Maybe by Arok
Maybe by Arok
Maybe it's better if we don't call it love
It's better if we don't call it love
Don't wanna get ahead of ourselves
When it's feelin' like this, when it's goin' this well
Maybe as good as it's gonna get
Is as good as what we got
Maybe, but maybe it's not

Kevin groaned as his head hit the wall of the hotel room. His eyes slid closed and he struggled to remain upright as the blond pressed his hips against him, rocking them in all the ways only he knew would drive Kevin absolutely crazy with desire. The tension had been building all night and Kevin knew that once they reached their climax it would all be worth it. Every tease, every smirk and dirty thought all culminating into one explosive evening together. Not that they all weren't this way, no, they very much were. Kevin couldn't remember ever having another partner who he was this sexually compatible and with. Every touch, each and every kiss or caress always felt like the first time all over again. It was invigorating and Kevin never wanted it to end.

He felt the other man begin to unbuckle his belt before flicking his zipper down. In a second the man's hands were wrapping around Kevin's length, stroking and touching, bringing him closer and closer to that glorious release he'd been chasing all day. Kevin moaned as the blonde kissed him deeply, flicking his tongue against his lips until Kevin parted his own allowing the man access. Once inside their tongues battled for dominance moving together as one in the most perfect harmony Kevin had ever experienced. The pressure was mounting as the hand moved quicker, sliding and circling his head before pushing back down again along his shaft. Quick determined strokes that left Kevin breathless and panting for more. Feeling the pull in his groin and the pooling in his belly, Kevin knew he was close. He also knew he didn't want it to end this way.

Using all of his strength he pushed the other man away. Nick's blurry blue eyes met his, full of lust and desire. "Not like this baby," Kevin whispered as he pushed himself off the wall. Grabbing Nick's hand he led him towards the hotel room bed. He backed the younger man up against it until the bed caught him by the back of the knee and he tumbled down into the softness. Kevin smiled and made quick work of removing his clothes before bending down and removing Nick's shirt. The other man smiled up at him with that lazy, sexy smile that Kevin had come to love. He reached for the button on Nick's pants and had it open in seconds. Nick shifted his hips, unzipping and sliding the pants down his muscular thighs as they went. Once they were both completely naked they gazed at each other for several moments, admiring the view before them. Nick's smirk grew as he watched Kevin's cock twitch and grow under his intense scrutiny. Kevin growled and launched himself onto the bed, falling on top of Nick in the process. Nick groaned and pushed his hips up into Kevin wanting anything to cause friction against his dick as they moved together further up the bed.

Once they reached the headboard Nick reached for him, pulling his long frame down on the blonde, their bodies lining up perfectly. Kevin caught his mouth in a hot kiss before grinding his hips down into the other man's, causing Nick to throw his head back against the pillows and let out a moan.

This wasn't going to be slow or gentle. There has been too much teasing, too much build up all day to this critical moment. Kevin reached for the bedside table, his cock thrusting up into Nick's as he moved. He smiled to himself as he felt Nick's hands grip down on his hips as Nick pushed and thrusted up into him. Securing the lube he settled back down in between Nick's legs. He applied a generous amount of lube to his hand and fingers before pushing one gingerly inside his lover. Nick groaned and met him, pushing his ass backwards as soon as he felt Kevin's intrusion. Kevin moaned at the sight and quickly inserted another finger, watching the way Nick's body swallowed it up, swallowed him. Yes, this wasn't going to last long at all. Adding a third he twisted and stretched as quickly as he knew Nick's body could handle. The blonde was thrashing his head back and forth against the pillows as he pushed down, riding Kevin's fingers. When he felt he was properly stretched Kevin removed his hand and grabbed for the lube again. Once he was sure he was ready he lined himself up with Nick's entrance and leaned down to capture the mouth he loved with his own. Nick groaned into the kiss as Kevin pushed all the way in. Kevin gave him a few moments to get adjusted to his size before pulling almost completely back out and then slamming back inside. Nick's body was on fire, needy for Kevin, for his release and Kevin was memorized watching Nick's ass suck his cock in over and over. It was a sight Kevin would never tire of.

"Need you. Go faster." Nick managed to bite out as his eyes rolled back in his head. He was working hard, meeting Kevin's every thrust. He yelped when Kevin wrapped his hand around Nick's cock and began pumping it in the same rhythm. In and out, over and over. Nick felt his release coming and tried to warn the older man. Kevin nodded feeling his as well and with one final thrust of Kevin's hips and jerk of Nick's cock they were falling off the edge together.

Kevin pulled out and fell to the mattress beside the blonde, spent and exhausted. He struggled to catch his breath and was only made worse by Nick rolling over and wrapping himself around him like a spider monkey. As much as he loved holding the other man, loved feeling how perfectly their bodies lined up together, he was hot and sweaty. The extra body heat from Nick only made catching his breath worse, but he would never dare ask him to move, not when the mere touch of the man lit up something inside of Kevin never imagined was possible.

Kevin felt Nick shift even closer, a tan arm encircling his waist and squeezing him gently. Kevin smiled and leaned back into the pillows. He wasn't sleepy anymore. His body was alive, his heart full and his mind clouded. This is how it always ended, didn't it.

Yeah, I know you and I got a really good thing going
And I don't wanna lose you, I'm scared to rock the boat, so
I'll just keep playin' pretend
Like we don't know what this is
'Cause we both know what this is

They had been at this for more than a year. Stolen moments, erotic teasing. It started out as blow jobs and hand jobs when the tension of being on the road got to be too much. Nick was finally grown up and taking notice of the world around him. He'd figured out pretty quickly that the hornier Kevin was the more strict, and irritable he became. Kevin was surprised one evening, after a particularly grueling day to find Nick banging on his hotel room door. Before Kevin even knew what had happened Nick had his hands down his pants and was jacking him something fierce. Kevin had fallen against him in shock and so much pleasure he couldn't keep himself upright. When it was over Nick had kissed his mouth quickly and told him that the next time he felt this way all he had to do was let Nick know that there was no reason to terrorize everyone just because Kevin was hard. He'd merely been able to blink at the other man, wondering desperately when he got to be so wise and then Nick was gone. Kevin hadn't even been completely sure the whole thing had actually happened.

He'd figured out a week later that it must have been real when he found himself shoved into a broom closet after he'd yelled at Howie for messing around on his phone instead of paying attention to the photographer’s instructions. Nick had glared at him and pressed him into the wall before kissing him so deeply Kevin was still in shock when he pulled away. His brain had been so foggy he hadn't been able to realize what Nick was doing. Before he knew what hit him Nick had his pants open and his cock was in the blonde’s hands and exposed to the cool weather of the closet.

Nick had pumped him a couple of times before dropping to his knees and taking the entire length of Kevin in his mouth at once. He'd worked him furiously as Kevin struggled not to thrust his hips into Nick's face. He fully anticipated Nick to pull off and even tried to warn him seconds before his release, but Nick stayed on, his head bobbing happily as he drank everything Kevin had to offer. He'd sagged against the wall after, the fight leaving him completely. Nick smirked and repeated his sentiments of Kevin only needing to let him know when his services were needed. With one last look at the older man Nick had stood and walked out of the closet, leaving Kevin completely confused but oddly satisfied.

It wasn't until their third encounter that Kevin had the chance to return the favor. Kevin had been increasingly irritable all day and had even for a second, considered calling Nick. They had gotten behind packing up from the venue, one of the busses needed emergency service and to top it all off there were so many fans that it made leaving the parking lot a nightmare. By the time they were ready to depart for the next city Kevin had already yelled at half the staff and AJ and Brian. He was frustrated they were going to have to drive all night and then immediately move on to their morning interviews without so much as a hotel shower. He'd tried to keep his attitude in check but nothing was working. By the time he'd thrown himself on the bed in the bus he felt like he was going to rip his own skin off. He had just started dozing, preparing for the long bus ride when he heard a noise coming from the living area of the bus. Confused, he sat up in the bed to listen closer. He didn't have to wait long and the noise increased, the door to the bedroom slamming open to reveal a very pissed off looking Nick.

Nick had leaped on him from the doorway, pushing him back into the bed and yanking his sweatpants down in the process. Again, everything happened so fast Kevin couldn't even focus as Nick used one hand to cup his balls, rolling them gently before lowering his head and suckling him into his warm, wet mouth. Kevin felt his hips buck off the bed, not able to stop their movements. He felt Nick chuckle around him and he licked and sucked the length of him. Kevin tried to be more with it this time, wanting to remember all of it. When he came it was Nick's name on his lips as he shot down the blonde's throat.

Nick had sat up and wiped his mouth before smirking at him again. Kevin was constantly falling victim to that smirk it seemed. This time, despite how wonderful and boneless he felt, he was determined to pay his pittance. He sat up quickly before shoving Nick down on his back. The blue eyes glanced up at him, startled as he watched to see what Kevin would do next. Kevin slid Nick's sweats down slowly and groaned when he discovered the boy hadn't bothered to put on any underwear. He shot a glance up at the other man and felt his groin tighten as Nick gave him a bashful smile. Not to be deterred, Kevin continued his motions, taking the pants completely off and tossing them somewhere behind them. Kevin could remember the amazement he felt the first time he'd gotten a good look at him, Nick was absolutely beautiful. Heartbreakingly so. Kevin knew, right there in that moment, that he was in trouble.

Pushing past the feelings growing inside him, he dropped his head to Nick's lap and nuzzled along his thighs placing little nips and kisses as he went. The unique smell of Nick was so strong Kevin was scared he would come again, right there, just by running his face against Nick's thighs. It seemed the blonde was having a similar reaction. His cock was hard and thick, throbbing and leaking just for Kevin. He blew on it gently, loving the way it jerked and responded to him. Tired of wasting time, he shot out his tongue, taking the head in his mouth and massaging it with his tongue, lapping up the precum that had dribbled out. Nick had moaned and thrusted up into Kevin's awaiting mouth. Kevin had choked a little but quickly found a pace that worked for him. He placed his hands on Nick's hips holding him down to the bed as his mouth went to work bringing him closer to the edge. Kevin couldn't wait to taste him and gently scraped his teeth up the shaft, just enough to provide a different sensation for the younger man. Nick cried out as he came, his fingers buried deep in Kevin's long locks. Kevin had been waiting, eager even and licked up every drop before settling back on his heels to admire the other man. Nick's face was flushed with excitement and satisfaction. His eyes closed and those soft, plush lips slightly parted. Kevin had never seen anything more beautiful and he knew then that he was a goner.


The rest of their encounters were pretty much the same. After the first month or so they seemed to happen more frequently. It wasn't always Nick coming to Kevin to settle his irritation, sometimes it was Kevin going to Nick to get him to chill the fuck out. Sometimes it was because one or both of them were lonely or just plain horny. After several months it morphed again into something that seemed to happen at least three times a week if not more. After six months of whatever this was they had going on, Nick had begged Kevin to fuck him. He still remembered it like it was yesterday. He remembered every look, feel, taste and sensation the very first time their bodies came together as one. It was a memory not only etched in Kevin's brain, but on his heart as well.

He had put Nick off for more than a month, insisting sex would just complicate what they had and was unnecessary. Everything they'd done up to this point had been good, wonderful even, for both of them so why rock the boat and make this more complicated. But Nick persisted and whatever Nick wanted, he usually got, Kevin included. When the whole thing was over and Nick had fallen asleep, Kevin had laid there, much like he was doing now, his body alive in what felt like the first time in forever. But there was also a piece of him hurting as well. His heart ached knowing this would never mean as much to the blonde as it did to him.

They'd never talked about it, instead they skirted around the issue of putting a label on whatever it was they were doing. They kept it secret from the other guys, sneaking in and out of each other's hotel rooms and busses. During casual conversations with the other guys Kevin got the distinctive impression Nick wasn't interested in dating anyone at the moment, but according to him he still went out on the prowl several times a week. Kevin really wasn't sure how he managed that when anymore it seemed like all of their time was spent together, but Kevin didn't want to make things awkward between them by pointing that out. He wanted more, craved more but knew saying anything to Nick would run the risk of losing all of this. There had been no one else for Kevin since this whole thing began a year ago. He'd devoted his whole self to Nick, even though he'd never spoken the words out loud. Every time the feelings of love bubbled up from deep within him he would squeeze them back down, slamming his lips closed so tightly he was sure they would bruise, but it was all he could do to keep his true feelings for the other man locked inside.

Sometimes for the briefest moments before Nick would collapse on top of him, Kevin would think he saw a flash of something in Nick's eyes as they raked over him, a flash of love. But then as quickly as it had been there would be gone, replaced by that trademark smirk of his. Late at night with Nick curled around him, nestled safely in his arms he let his mind wander to maybes. What this could be if they would let it grow. The fear of losing what little he had with the other man crippled Kevin from doing anything more. Maybe he could continue to pretend this wasn't more, that he wasn't in love with the younger man.

We been dancin' around an important conversation
Anything that I say gonna make it complicated
I feel like I'm frozen in place
If I move in or away
Everything's gonna change

A month later Kevin was having trouble sleeping. This was the fourth night this week alone that Nick had followed him back to his hotel room after a show. This routinely wouldn't have bothered him, but within the last month Kevin had felt some of his resolve slipping. He was starting to wake up with cold sweats or completely unable to sleep at all. All his thoughts began and ended with the blonde currently curled up tightly against his side, their fingers laced together so tightly Kevin wasn't sure if they would ever separate. How was it possible for Nick to be satisfied with just this little bit they allowed themselves to share with each other. Sure he had unadulterated access to Nick's body in the comfort of their rooms or busses, but Kevin needed more. He needed the other man like most people needed air to breath. He wanted conversation, to share his hopes and dreams, fuck it all, he just wanted to be working towards something together. The sex was out of this world and the feeling of intimacy between them was strong sometimes it took Kevin's breath away, but it never seemed to go beyond that. Kevin just couldn't seem to make sense or understand why. Kevin knew without a shadow of a doubt that if Nick opened himself up to Kevin that he could make him happy. That they would be great together.

'Cause I can't stay this close
And act like I'm not hopin'
I'll find a way to put this off
Because I don't want this to stop, so

He knew for sure he was in love with Nick. He'd fallen so hard, so fast and there was absolutely no way to save himself from the inevitable heartbreak when this all imploded. The more he allowed his mind to wonder the more he grew convinced that he wasn't going to be able to keep this up much longer. The need for more was becoming too great and he was becoming obsessed. Something neither of them would be prepared for. He started trying to memorize everything, knowing their time together was drawing to a close he wanted to be able to remember as much as he could about being with the other man. His touch, the feel of his petal soft lips sliding all over Kevin's heated skin. He memorized the look on Nick's face the moment he came, knowing it was him that put that look of bliss and satisfaction on those beautiful features. He committed to memory the feel of Nick's body, so perfectly fitted to his own. They could lay side by side and line up so perfectly, the symmetry between them was everything. Just when Kevin thought he had it all down, knew it all, Nick would say or do something else and Kevin would be right back in that state of remembrance, trying frantically to remember something else.

Then there were days when he thought for sure he could pull through and continue this farce forever. The threat of having no Nick at all this way was so great that it felt like there was a boulder crushing his chest at the mere thought of breaking this off. Be damn his heart, nothing else mattered to him but the small bits of time and love he was sure was present anytime their bodies touched. The hopefulness was overwhelming. Thinking, pretending, hoping that somehow, someway there was a chance he would feel the same. That fantasy would be blown apart whenever he would hear Nick laughing and talking to the guys about how he would never be in another relationship or get married. Each comment was another knife to Kevin's already fragile heart. His hopes crushed and the empty feeling threatening to take over once again. He couldn't give Nick up, no matter how much the almost daily interactions now were killing him.

Anybody who sees us together thinks we're datin'
We're runnin' out of the reason to keep on hesitatin'
We can't keep ignorin' it now
But if we say it out loud
We can't just turn back around

"What's going on with you and Nick?"

The question dropped in Kevin's lap like a bomb. His eyes darted upwards into the blue eyes of his cousin. "What are you talking about? Nothing is going on with me and Nick."

"Bullshit." Brian said as he flopped down in the chair across from the older man.

They had a rare chance to relax before they had to be available onstage for sound check. Kevin had tried to steal himself away for some peace and quiet to ease the pounding in his head. Apparently his cousin had other plans. Kevin looked at him curiously. "What are you talking about?" Kevin repeated the question, his heart was already beginning to pound. He wasn't a good liar, especially when put on the spot and he was getting nervous by that look in Brian's eyes.

"I mean, you two are running around like love sick teenagers or something. Are you guys like boyfriends or something?"

Kevin snorted with laughter, pushing his reaction a little to the extreme to help hide his uncomfortableness. Brian continued to eye him, not at all amused by his response. "No Brian, we're not boyfriends and nothing is going on. We've just been spending time together. We have more in common now than we did when he was a kid, is that a problem?" The laughter was gone and he stared Brian down pointedly, hoping he would get the hint and drop it.

Brian stared at him for a moment longer before nodding. He pushed himself up off the chair and bounced out of the room in search of his next victim to terrorize. Kevin dropped his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes tiredly. That has been way too close.

What the hell had Brian meant? Both of them acting like they were lovesick teenagers? Had he seen something in Nick that Kevin had not been able to see? Was it possible that Nick could possibly feel something for him besides this sexual attraction they had going on? His mind was swimming. He thought again for the hundredth time that this wasn't going to work much longer. Kevin felt like he was hanging on by a threat. One good snap and he would crumble. He'd been at this place so many times before and continued to hesitate because he didn't want to lose it all, but he was starting to realize he wouldn't be able to ignore it for much longer.

'Cause if we're bein' honest
It's never been platonic
I'm findin' ways to put this off
Because I don't want this to stop, so

Nick bounded off the stage and leaped towards Kevin, wrapping his arms around Kevin's neck from behind and almost sending them both crashing to the floor. Behind him Howie and AJ clambered backstage and almost tripped over both of them. Once the silliness of the situation had passed Nick shot Kevin a look that let Kevin know to expect Nick that evening. He nodded sadly, not catching the look that crossed Nick's eyes. Turning towards his locker Kevin grabbed his toiletry bag, towel and clothes before heading towards the shower stall. Nick watched him go, noticing the defeated curve of Kevin's shoulders. He felt something inside him seize and for a moment he was unable to take a breath. Fear ran through him at the implications of Kevin's demeanor. He'd looked almost hurt when Nick had given him the signal.

Was he getting tired of them? Did he want to break up? Nick stumbled a bit, tripping over his own feet as he made his way towards his locker. Falling soundly on the bench he stared at the floor for several moments. There was now way Kevin could leave him right? They were perfect together, at least Nick thought so. He'd never felt this way about anyone else before. Kevin made him feel things that he'd only read in fairy tales. This all couldn't be coming to an end. Sure they'd never spoken out loud about their feelings, Nick was always afraid to whisper those words that sat on the tip of his tongue. He was scared the moment he did that Kevin would laugh or worst of all that Kevin would leave.

They'd never made any promises to each other, hell it had been Nick that started all of it. Fed up with his desire and need for the other man he'd made a bold play, figuring he'd get shot down and they could laugh it off later like no big deal. Instead, Kevin seemed almost relieved that Nick had made a move on him. They settled into a rhythm that seemed to settle them both and it was great for a while and then Nick figured out he needed more. So he started coming around more than before, multiple nights a week and when hands and mouths weren't enough for him any longer, he'd begged Kevin to fuck him. No joke, straight up begged like a little bitch for Kevin to climb inside him. He'd been embarrassed, sure, but he'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Nick sighed. Now he was scared to even go to Kevin's room. What was he going to do if Kevin said they were done? His stomach rolled at the thought. Maybe he could pretend to be sick, well at this rate there wouldn't be much pretending. He felt dizzy with fear and as he climbed into the shower stall he kept one hand braced on the shower bar to keep himself upright. No, no matter what Kevin said, he couldn't let this be over.

I know we can't stay like this
And I don't wanna move it
'Cause I don't wanna lose it, no
I know we can't stay like this
And I don't wanna move it
'Cause I don't wanna lose it, so.

They arrived back at the hotel in record time. Nick would have been impressed on any other night but tonight the queasy feeling in his stomach refused to go away and he felt himself break out in a light sweat. Maybe he truly was getting sick. He ignored the other guys as they made their way to their floor, kept his head down and his hands in his pockets. He shuffled along beside everyone else trying not to lose his lunch with the way the elevator pitched and rose. He leaned his head against the side of the cool metal wall and tried desperately to avoid the curious gaze Kevin was shooting him. Finally when they reached their floor Nick shot off the elevator, pushing his way to be free of the confides, knocking Brian into AJ as he went. He didn't even glance behind him when the yelling started, just kept pressing on to his room.

He extracted his key card on his way and slid it effortlessly into the lock. Once the light blinked he hurriedly opened the door before slamming it shit behind him. He leaned back against the door and breathed a sigh of relief. At least he was safe for the moment. Knowing the older man as well as he did, he knew it would be only a matter of time before he was knocking at the door. Especially since Nick had already given the signal. He took several deep breaths and then propelled himself into the room, flopping facedown onto the messy bed. He hadn't even tried to clean it up before he left, his plan had been all along to sleep in Kevin's room tonight. He always trashed the hotel bed the moment he checked into a room. More nights than not he fully intended to sleep with Kevin and never wanted his room to appear unused to anyone who happened to find themselves inside. If he trashed it immediately then no matter where he actually spent his evenings, it still looked like he'd slept there. It was a good system and it has saved him more times than he'd thought it would. As this thing with Kevin grew deeper Nick only wanted to spend his nights with him more. If it were up to Nick they would ditch the extra room all together and he and Kevin would share from now on. It would make it a lot easier.

Maybe that was it? Maybe Kevin was just feeling a little claustrophobic. Nick had started invading more and more of his time, but that was mostly because Nick was an incredibly needy person. It was probably the reason most of his relationships never worked out, no one really wanted to take the time to give him everything he needed, but Kevin always did. It was one of the many things that drew Nick so close to the other man, that feeling of being satisfied, both mentally and sexually. He'd never had that before. He groaned again, he wasn't sure he could take it if Kevin walked away. He would get down on his hands and knees and beg Kevin to give him a chance to love him. Nick knew he would do whatever it took, he just wasn't sure if it would ever be enough.

There was a soft knock at the door. Kevin's knock. Nick felt like all the air in the room had disappeared and there was sawdust in his mouth. He sat up and watched Kevin try the handle before knocking again. He knew he needed to get up and answer the door, he just didn't think his legs were strong enough to support him. He watched in silence as Kevin tried the door again. This time the lock caught and Nick stared in horror as the door swung open, the older man standing in the doorway. They stared at each other for several long moments before Kevin walked inside, kicking the door closed with his foot. Once he was further inside he stood with his hands on his hips and stared down at the embarrassed man.

"What's going on Nicky? I thought you were coming over to my room." he asked softly, his eyes never leaving the top of Nick's head.

Nick couldn't look at him. His eyes trained on a spot on the floor. "Stomach hurts." he mumbled.

Kevin's eyes softened as he crossed the room and dropped to his knees in front of Nick. He spread his legs until he could move in between them as Nick sat in the edge of the bed. Bringing his hand up Kevin moved Nick's shirt just enough to expose the soft, lovely skin of his belly. Kevin's hand found it instantly and began rubbing small, soft circles in the flesh to ease the ache in the younger man.

Nick's eyes closed as he breathed in the scent of Kevin and allowed himself to relax under his touch. "That better baby?" Kevin asked softly.

Nick nodded but refused to open his eyes. Kevin watched him curiously, knowing something much more serious was going on than a stomach ache. Nick never got this way, this pouty and withdrawn and when he did, it always meant trouble.

"What's going on baby?" Kevin whispered again placing the hand that wasn't rubbing Nick's tummy on his knee before squeezing it gently.

Nick felt the tears start to well up and squeezed his eyes shut, willing them not to fall. He lost the battle quickly and they began cascading down his cheeks. Kevin watched in shock as the blonde seemed to crumple before his eyes. Deep, heaving sobs racked his chest as he struggled to take in air between gasps. Kevin quickly got up off the floor and sat beside the younger man, pulling him into his arms. He'd never seen Nick like this before and it was scaring the shit out of him. Nick wrapped his arms around Kevin’s waist and nestled his head under Kevin's chin as he pushed himself into Kevin's chest, a place he'd long since claimed as his own. Kevin held him, whispering quietly to him as he held on through the sobs. Finally Nick decided there was no other way around this, they wouldn't be able to go back now. Whatever happened, happened. But maybe, maybe something good could happen too.

Pulling away from Kevin he peered up into his eyes, gasping softly at the look he found there. Kevin was gazing down at him like he was the most important thing in the world. Nick felt his breath hitch and felt like he was drowning in the green pools. He smiled softly before leaning up and brushing his lips against Kevin's. "Please don't leave me," he whispered as he pulled away.

Kevin shook his head, his mind reeling from the kiss, Nick's crying and his declaration. "What are you talking about?" he asked as he took both of Nick's hands in his. God he felt like a parrot today.

Nick tried hard to look at the other man, but the heat from Kevin's gaze was too intense and he had to look away. He instead opted to stare at their hands. "Tonight, after giving you the signal, I watched you walk away from me and you looked so…dejected. I was hit with this overwhelming feeling that you were unhappy, with me, with us and you were going to end it. The more I thought about it the more panicked I became until it was this red hot fire in my belly that made me feel like I was going to get sick. You can't leave me Kevin, you can't. I don't care how much I have to beg, or how desperate or foolish it makes me appear. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I just can't lose you. " Nick's speech seemed to come out all in one breath and when he was done he sagged against Kevin, trying desperately not to start crying again.

Kevin sat there dumbfounded. He wasn't sure which issue to address first. He was impressed that Nick was able to pick up on the subtle body language of Kevin being unhappy, but he was wrong in its nature. He was also impressed Nick had the balls to bring the conversation up first when Kevin himself had been skirting around it for a month, too scared to do anything but fret. He squeezed Nick's hands to get him to look up.

"Nick," he said softly. Nick's eyes immediately filled with tears again, this time he didn't even try to stop them. The simple note of his name in Kevin's lips that way sent a ripple of fear though him. He tried to brace himself for whatever it was Kevin would say next. Knowing that no matter what he said, they couldn’t turn back and go back to the way it was.

Kevin pulled one of his hands away from Nick and ran it shakily through his hair. He wasn’t even sure how to have this conversation. Nick’s words, please don’t leave me, echoing in his head. “Nick,” he started again. “How can I leave you when I don’t even know what this is? Are we fuck buddies? Boyfriends? What? I’ve tried so hard Nicky. I’ve tried not to push you too far, I’ve tried to just be happy and content with whatever it is you want to give me, but I can’t do it anymore.”

A loud guttural sound echoed off the walls. Kevin looked up, started as he heard a wail leave Nick’s throat. The younger man gripped him around the waist, throwing his head in his lap as he cried. Kevin immediately brought his arms around the boy and began rubbing small circles against his back, the movement second nature to him after all of these years. “Please Kevin, please,” Nick continued to sob. “I love you, I love you.”

Kevin’s hands stilled. What had he just heard? He pulled back from Nick momentarily to look down at the blonde. Nick’s beautiful face was covered in tears, his nose running and his eyes bloodshot. He had never been so attracted to anyone in his entire life. “What did you say?”

Nick looked at him confused. “I said I love you.”

Kevin’s face broke out in a grin a mile wide. He reached down and grasped Nick’s face in both hands, raising it just enough for their lips to touch. He kissed him gently at first before deepening the kiss, thrusting his tongue inside Nick’s mouth. He smiled again as he pulled away. “Oh baby, I love you too. That’s what this whole thing has been about. I’ve needed more, wanted so much more from you and I’ve been so scared of ruining what we have to tell you. I kept pretending like the sex was enough but it’s not I need more and I only want it with you. I kept thinking maybe you felt the same, but then I would convince myself it could never be the case. I’ve been driving myself crazy.”

It was Nick’s turn to smile. “I love you.” Kevin smiled back before pulling the blonde against him. He sighed with happiness as Nick’s body lined up perfectly with his. This right here made everything it took to get here worth it.

Maybe it's better if we don't call it love
It's better if we don't call it love
It's not like we're pullin' ourselves
When it's feelin' like this, when it's goin' this well, yeah
Maybe as good as it's gonna get
Is as good as what we got
Maybe, but maybe it's not

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