Look After You by Abbey
This Is Not You by Abbey
Natalie

“Nat you never listen to me. Why? Why don’t you ever listen to me?” Howie’s eyes wouldn’t tear away from mine. He was so dissapointed–I’d never seen him so dissapointed in me. Howie never really got angry, he just got sad instead. And the looks he gave me...I never could handle the looks.

I lay, almost passed out and drunk on his couch yet again.

“I’m sorry.” I barely mumbled.

“I know.” He whispered. I could see him running his hand through his hair as he paced back and forth. I was so disposed, it was almost like he was one big blur.

He picked me up and I clung to him as he carried me into his bedroom. He tucked me into his bed and I was immediately lost in the smell and warmth of his sheets. Before I knew it, I was completely gone.

***

I woke up in the morning with a pounding headache, which seemed to be a regular occurrence for me. I couldn’t even figure out where I was or what I was even doing here. I looked around and finally realized...I was at Howie’s. I stumbled out of bed, realizing every bone and muscle in my body hurt like pure hell. I barely made my way to the kitchen, tripping over a few things as I guided my hands along the wall. What had happened?

I saw him at the kitchen table, just sitting there. He turned his head towards me as I sat down across from him, resting my head in my hands.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, his face as cold and expressionless as possible.

“Okay.”

“Do you even know why you’re here?”

“No...” I looked around the room again, before letting my eyes fall to the table top, “What happened?”

Howie shook his head, rubbing his arm slowly, “Well, you went out again last night and drank way too much. After searching for you for about half the night, I finally found you outside of some sleezy bar, nearly passed out for any creep to find.”

“Oh.” Had I heard this before?

“Natalie, we can’t do this anymore.” He said simply. I could feel his eyes on me, but I still couldn’t look at him.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry isn’t good enough anymore Nat. I can’t watch you hurt yourself all the time. You’re always going out and getting way too drunk, or you’re here drinking...you’re home drinking. And somehow, someway I always end up putting you to bed at night, taking care of you. Then, the next night you do it all over again. Why can’t you just stop Natalie? We had a good life together, what did I do to deserve this? What did you do to deserve this? Can you...can you please just...stop?” I could see Howie’s eyes go dark, was...was he about to cry?

“You’re just hurting yourself Natalie.” He repeated.

I swallowed hard.

“You were so drunk last night I couldn’t even talk to you. If I wanted to tell you I loved you, you wouldn’t of even known.” He sighed, and I saw him turn his eyes away from me.

It was silent, except for the pounding in my head. Now what? What could I possibly say to him that would make this situation any better? Had it really gotten that bad?

"You need help Natalie." He told me, running a hand across his forehead.

"I know."

"No I don't think you realize. You need professional help. You need to go to a place where they will help you recover."

"Recover? Howie, I'm fine."

He raised his eyebrows at me, "Fine? You think this is fine? Natalie you're digging yourself a grave! You can't even see what you're doing? Are you serious right now? "

Again I couldn't say anything.

"Are you willing to get help? Are you willing to let me help you?"

"I don't understand what the hell you mean by help." I shot at him.

"Natalie, your drinking is out of fucking control, you're an alcoholic."

Had he really just said that to me?

"Don't....don't treat me like a child Howie. I'm not a child."

"Explain to me then...explain to me why you're acting like one. I've taken this for too long Nat, I love you more than......more than anything and I can't just watch you throw your life away. You promised we would share our lives together. How can we do that if you come home drunker than hell every single night? And if we were to have a family? Oh I'm sure the kids would appreciate that--"

"HOWIE!" I screamed at him. A drink. A drink....I needed a drink. Something strong, something that would make me numb to what he was saying.

He swallowed hard, "I'm sorry...." He shook his head and moved his chair closer to me. He ran his hand through his hair before speaking softly, "You....you know that I love you. This is the only reason why I am acting like this. You've got to understand that. It just scares me that you don't seem to understand how bad this has gotten. I had to go and throw away every trace of alchohol in this house. I have to keep the local bars on speed dial. I have to--well I've been doing things I shouldn't have to do Nat. I've got my best friends and my family telling me that I can't be with you anymore because all I'm doing is hurting myself. But....I can't listen to them because....because..."

I looked up at him, my eyes filling with tears, "Why don't you listen to them Howie? I don't need help, I just...I just need to leave."

"Because I believe in you Natalie." He brushed his hand over mine and I bit my lip nervously. "If you were to get help, if you were to realize that you have an addiction that is tearing you apart, I know that you could overcome it. I don't know what else you want me to do. I think I've done just about everything I can do, and this is all I have left."

We sat there for a few minutes, in complete silence. He lightly caressed the top of my fingers with his thumb all while gently searching my eyes. What had happened to us? What had I done?


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