My name is AJ McLean and I hate blisters.

So combine my two greatest dislikes - body fluids and pain - and what do you get? Blisters. They're painful sacks of body fluid. Literally, I may even like blisters less than I like clowns. At least a clown doesn't grow on your feet. Although now that I've said that I'm kind of imagining red curly hair and a freaky fake ass smile on my blisters. Shit. Now there’s the stuff nightmares are made of right there. That'd be the absolute worst thing ever. Nobody ever tell Nick this, or next time he gets a blister he'll be drawing all over it and showing it to me.

I’m not sure what would be worse: Nick and his clown blister or Howie and his needle.

My name is AJ McLean, and this is my story.

~*~
“This is the walk that never ends,” I sang under my breath, “Yes it goes on and on my friends…” I glanced sideways at the llamas surrounding us and groaned. My feet had been killing me for the last fifteen minutes. God damn these boots I was wearing.. I glanced down at them and swore.

“Do not sing the fucking Lamb Chop song,” Howie commanded.

I looked up at him, “You knew the Lamb Chop song?” I asked, perplexed.

“I have siblings, what’s your excuse?” Howie asked.

“You’re the youngest, asshole,” I pointed out.

Howie looked momentarily crestfallen when I took away his excuse, then he perked up and pointed at me, “Nieces and nephews.”

I blinked at him in surprise. “The fact that you’re trying so hard to cover up that you watch it speaks volumes.”

Howie sighed.

“My feet are fucking killing me,” I grumbled.

Howie glanced down at the fancy cowboy-style boots I’d bought in Brazil. “Maybe it’s because you’re wearing those ridiculous shoes?”

“They ain’t ridiculous,” I said. They were red and had nice detailing.

Howie shrugged, “I’m just saying, you walk in ridiculous shoes, you end up with blisters. Has Rochelle taught you nothing about shoes with her stilettos?”

“I don’t know..” I muttered. I stared at the boots. “They ain’t ridiculous…”

“They have heels,” Howie pointed out. “I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be for senoritas.”

“Hell no,” I cried, “They’re 100% men’s!”

“Uh huh.”

“Get offa me! Get offa meeee!”

Nick’s shrill cry made Howie and I stop.

“Now what the hell is going on?” Howie muttered as we turned around, “Are they freaking mounting him or something?”

Brian was on top of Nick in what was possibly the most awkward man-man position I’ve ever seen, other than those times when you’re searching for porn and you accidentally stumble across the gay stuff. “Oh Jesus,” I groaned.

“Brian?” Howie sounded surprised.

Frick and Frack however, proceeded to start a yelling match. It was the weirdest yelling match I’ve ever frickin’ heard, concluding with Nick shouting that Brian’s eye was bleeding.

“I KNOW!” Brian yelled.

“Bleeding?” A look of concern flashed across Howie’s face and he started toward Nick and Brian.

“Yo why the hell does his face get your concern, but the fact that the bottom of my foot is one giant blister gets no mercy from you?” I called after him as Howie quickly started back towards Brian and Nick. I sighed when he didn’t respond, “Oh God dammit, do we have to backtrack?”

Reluctantly, I started back toward where Nick was pegged to the grass. Howie was kneeling down beside Brian by the time I got over there. If someone took a picture of those three about then, we never would’ve dispelled the throngs from singing Which Backstreet Boy is Gay ever, ever, ever again. They looked like they were involved in some weird ass threesome.

“Guys,” I called from about ten feet away.

None of them looked up, Howie was too busy examining Brian’s eye. Brian was still straddling Nick. I got closer and Nick turned his head up to look at me. “Hey,” he said, sounding a little winded. Probably because Brian’s weight, while low, seemed to be resting right on the soft of Nick’s stomach.

“Sup?” I said.

Nick paused, “I’m getting squished.”

“Noted,” I answered.

He blinked up at me.

I sat down after a few moments as Howie was assessing Brian’s shiner. “How did this happen again?” he asked.

Brian blushed. “The llamas… one of them beat me up.”

“Hoofed him,” Nick confirmed. “I’m telling yall – it’s us verses llama.”

I was tugging off my boots by this point.

“The llamas aren’t ganging up on us,” Howie argued Nick, shaking his head. He glanced at Brian’s face once more, then sighed. “But I will admit we need to be more careful arou—“ he stopped mid-sentence, and looked at me, his nose scrunched up. “What the hell man?”

Just as Howie’s words came out, Nick, who was still pegged down by B-Rok, started choking ridiculously, his face contorting. Brian waved his hand over his face, “Oh g’Lord, Alex,” he complained, and fell to the side off Nick’s stomach, landing in the grass.

Nick quickly scrambled to his feet, still choking, a look of horror on his face as he looked back at me.

“Put the shoes back on, man,” Howie said.

I sniffed the boot. It didn’t smell that bad. “Yall are overreacting,” I accused, pointing the boot at them. Nick jumped back like I was armed with a rifle. “Jesus,” I muttered. I glanced down at my feet. “Speaking of Jesus,” I said in surprise, seeing the bubble that had taken over my foot. It was the hugest ass fucking blister I ever saw, and it was taking over the entire underside of my toes and the ball of my feet. “Fuckin’ look at that,” I held my foot up for the fellas to see – especially Howie.

“Ouch,” Brian cringed for me.

Nick’s eyes widened, “Holy bejesus,” he whispered. He looked down at his own feet, “Get no ideas, toes.”

“This is why I’m bitching while we walk,” I explained, “I’ll have you know this is extremely painful, thank you very much.”

Howie rolled his eyes. “If you pop it, it won’t bother you as much.”

“POP it?” I exclaimed. My stomach turned with the image of a breaking water balloon dancing through my head. “Hell fucking no.”

Howie shrugged, “Its not my problem if I give you a solution you just don’t like,” he said.

“Do you know how fucking gross that would be?” I demanded.

Brian was cringing and nodding.

Howie shrugged again. “Like I said, not my problem.”

Nick laughed.

“Fucking A,” I muttered. I pushed the boot back on – with much cringing and swearing – and struggled up to my feet. It hurt worse now. Taking the boot off was definitely a mistake.

“Okay, let’s go,” Howie said as Brian, too, got up. “There’s got to be something over this next hill.”

“Yeah,” Nick nodded, “The next circle.”

Brian shook his head and laughed, but Howie and I gave Nick strange looks.

“Nick thinks Dante wrote about llamas,” Brian explained.

I snorted. No, I thought, he did write about blisters though.

As we walked, I quickly fell behind. My feet were screaming curses at me every step I took. I kept pausing to double over and yell at them that they had to pull it together. “I’ll pamper you fuckers later,” I muttered at them, but they were in too much agony to listen.

“Come on AJ,” Howie called back. They were quite a ways ahead of me.

I tried to catch up but the dogs were barkin’ in my boots and the blisters were like walking on those Sketchers exercise sneakers, with the rolling sensation, except it wasn’t comfortable. It just hurt like hell. I could literally feel the water in them stretching as I put weight on it.

“Oh for cryin’ out loud,” Nick said… and with that he doubled back after a few minutes, and in a single gesture, before I could stop him, he’d bent down in front of me and pulled me onto his back in a piggy back ride. He ran to catch up with Brian and Howie. Brian was laughing.

As weird as it sounds, I was fucking thankful for Nick’s help. But hell if I’d ever tell him that…

My name is Howie Dorough and I still hate Nick Carter.

I know the other guys are being really creative with their chapter starters and coming up with new stuff to tell you about, but seriously I'm not that original. I'm still hating the same thing I was hating an hour ago, and that's Nick. I'll give him credit, though, at least it's for a different reason. I mean, no, he's not running naked with llamas anymore, but he won't shut up. Yes, we know he's hungry, we know he's tired. Because we know, he does not need to keep repeating it, correct? Actually, I shouldn't really narrow it down to Nick because AJ and Brian are pretty low on my shitlist right now, too. AJ with his damn blisters and Brian with the cell phone reception obsession... I swear to God if we don't find a way out of this hole soon, I'm going to fucking kill myself in self defense.

Nick would probably eat my remains.

My name is Howie Dorough and this is my story.

~*~
"There's still no reception," Brian was holding his cell phone aloft, squinting to see how many bars he had.

Somewhere among the llamas AJ had given Brian the brilliant idea of trying to call someone for help. Brian had then turned it into talking to his wife, and had been trying to get reception in, waving his phone around and dancing like he was performing in a ballet, trying to get reception in. It was like watching a live action version of one of those US Cellular ads with Joan Cusack balanced in precarious positions around town.

"I'm hungry," Nick whined.

AJ kicked his hips with his heels like he was riding a horse.

I tried to ignore them.

"There's gotta be something," Brian muttered, walking backwards and holding his phone like it was a satellite of some sort.

"And I'm tired," Nick added, ignoring Brian's words all together.

"Giddyap, or I'm shippin you off to become glue," AJ joked, nudging Nick's hips again.

Nick stopped short, "Yo, I am not a horse, okay? Jesus, I'm trying to help you out so you don't gotta walk on your fucked up feet."

AJ laughed.

"Oh! Oh!" Brian's voice climbed, "OH!... wait.. is it?? Oh." His voice dropped. "Nevermind."

We were about to crest yet another hill. I was praying beyond all prayer that a village waited on the other side of this hill. I didn't think I could take another minute of my brothers.

"I'm hungry" Nick complained.

"You could eat the grass, like a good pony," AJ suggested, laughing.

"That's it." Nick stood upright, dumping AJ off his back. AJ slid to the ground, grabbing at Nick's shirt, trying to catch himself before he fell. The neckline of Nick's shirt flew to his throat, and he choked, clutching at it, and falling backwards.

"Aw shit," AJ groaned in a high-pitched voice as Nick landed on top of him, his elbow landing in a very unfortunate place.

Nick sat up and looked at AJ, whose hands had flown to cover his crotch. "That's what you get for being a dick," Nick said in a vengeful tone.

AJ rolled onto his side, "Could I be in just a little more pain today?" he asked, "Jeeeeeesus."

Brian, oblivious to the drama going on right at his feet, whipped around and stepped on AJ's foot as he was searching for a signal.

"FUCKING A!" AJ cried, sitting up quickly.

I sighed, "C'mon guys we're almost there," I gestured toward the top of the hill, "Can we please keep the dramatics at a minimum until we get there at least?"

Brian's eyes lit up, "I bet I get reception up there."

I closed my eyes and tried to count to ten as Brian frolicked away up the hill, cell phone high over his head, shiner reflecting the sun.

"I can't go on," AJ muttered, shaking his head, "I'm fucking going to lay here and die among the llamas." He laid back onto the grass.

"Will you all stop trying to leave your damn carcasses among the llamas?" I pleased, "Jesus. Come on." I reached out a hand for AJ's as Nick leaped to his feet.

"So we're almost there?" Nick asked.

"I think so," I answered hopefully.

"Good 'cos I'm starving," he said.

I gritted my teeth. "Come on AJ." He was just staring at my hand.

Finally, he took hold of it, and I pulled him to his feet, but he was only on his feet for a mere second before he dropped back down to the ground and curled his legs up, clutching his toes. "Shiiiiit," he moaned, hugging them to his stomach.

Nick stared at AJ. "Aw, does your feet still hurt widdle Ayy-jaayyyy?" he asked in a mock baby voice.

"I am not walking," AJ scowled.

"Nick, carry AJ again," I commanded.

"Me? Hell no, carry the prick yourself," Nick answered, "I'm exhausted, no way."

"Nick, it's just a little further," I said, exasperated.

Nick shook his head, "This horse is glue, remember?" he pointed at his own chest. "Let him ride a fuckin' llama."

"DO NOT," AJ shouted, "PUT ME ON A LLAMA."

Nick sniggered.

AJ looked at me.

I looked at AJ.

"There's only one option man," I said.

AJ shook his head, "You are not popping my blister.

"You gotta walk," I said.

AJ looked at Nick, "I'll be nice to you."

"This horse has sailed..." Nick answered. He paused. "This ship is -- I-- the horse is --" he stammered. He paused, trying to collect his thoughts and complete the sentence in his head. He squinted in concentration. Despite the lunacy of the moment, AJ and I both stared at him, waiting for him to work it out. "Yanno what?" he said finally, "Just no."

"Fuck you Carter," AJ said, pointing at him, "I would've carried you!"

"You wouldn't give me oxygen on the plane!" Nick replied. He paused. "No wait, that was Brian." He paused again, looking up at the sky.

"Oh Jesus Christ," I muttered. I grabbed at AJ's chick boot.

"Keep your latin hands off me!" AJ yelled, kicking as I caught the heel and the toe of the red leather in my hand and stared yanking. He rolled on to his stomach and attempted to crawl away.

"Oh yeah! You put llama shit down my pants!" Nick said, clicking his fingers, "I knew you did something to me that made me not like you right now."

Brian suddenly reappeared as I got AJ's boot off and caught him by the ankle. AJ was clawing at the grass, digging it up and wriggling. "There's no reception up top, either."

"Did you see a restaurant by any chance?" Nick asked, "Maybe a pizza place?"

"IN PERU?" AJ, momentarily distracted by Nick's stupidity, flipped onto his back to look at him and stared blankly. I whipped out the needle I'd gotten out of the sewing kit in my bag when AJ had first mentioned his blisters to me, and quickly stabbed AJ in the foot with it. "JESUS!!!!!!" he screamed. About fifteen llamas looked over.

Nick leaped backwards - whether from the staring llamas or the waterfall of liquid that fell out of AJ's blister, I couldn't tell - his eyes wide and palms up. Brian closed his eyes, wincing, at AJ's foot.

"Yanno, I'm not really hungry anymore now," Nick said quietly.

AJ was punching me in the back, "You fucker, you fucker," he repeated over and over, "You didn't even fucking warn me."

"Well consider this fair warning for foot number too," I answered, grabbing at the second boot.

"You think I'm voluntarily letting you repeat that?!" AJ bellowed, he kicked again, catching Nick in the ankle with the toe of the boot.

"OW!" Nick dropped to the ground, clutching his ankle. "What the fuck man?" He grabbed at AJ's boot, too.

Brian had turned back to his cell phone.

With some struggle and trepidation, we managed to get the second boot off AJ and poke the other blister with the needle as well. Nick moved out of the line of fire and made a face as it gushed the pus. "That is so fucking gross," he groaned.

AJ was moaning. "I need morphine," he muttered, "The pain is too great."

"It wasn't that bad, stop it," I said, shoving the needle back into the sewing kit and dropping it into my bag again.

"It was SURGERY," AJ snapped, "I need pain killers. Christ."

"I have Advil," Nick suggested helpfully.

AJ sat up, grumbling, and muttering something about not wanting Nick's help. He grabbed the boot that sat by his left knee, and looked around. "Where the hell's my other boot?" he asked.

"Maybe the fashion police came and confiscated it as evidence," I snapped.

Nick pointed over my shoulder, a laugh growing on his face.

AJ turned around, as did I.

A llama stood a couple feet away, a bright red boot in his mouth, gnawing.

"You fucker," AJ gasped. He struggled to his feet, favoring his toes, keeping them from the ground by splaying them up and walking primarily on his heels. He moved toward the llama, arms outstretched, as the animal stood, staring blankly at him, a bored expression in its eyes, chewing serenely. "Gimme the boot, bitch," AJ whispered.

"Careful," Nick whispered, too, "They got kung-fu moves."

I rolled my eyes. "This is the most ridiculous day, ever. I swear to God, one of us better be dreaming all of this crap." I looked at Nick, "And it better be you, because I hate to think any of the rest of us is this fucked in the head."

Nick frowned.

AJ was really close to the llama now. He reached out a tentative hand.

The llama dropped the boot.

He stared at AJ.

AJ stared at the llama.

"Oh shit," Nick whispered, "You pissed it off."

"I pissed it off?" AJ whispered back, scared sounding, "How can you tell?"

"I just know," Nick answered, "I can feel it's anger."

"Shit."

The llama opened its mouth slowly.

AJ's eyes widened.

The llama's teeth were showing.

"It's gonna eat you!" Nick hissed.

AJ was frozen.

The llama puckered its lips.

"It's gonna KISS you," Nick hissed.

The llama spit.

A big... fat... juicy... phlegmy... wad of llama spit smacked AJ square in the center of his face, oozing between his eyes and down the bridge of his nose.

"Or that," Nick said.

AJ just stood there, still frozen, a look of utter disbelief on his face.

"I GOT RECEPTION!!!!!!" Brian screamed.

Nick and I turned - AJ was still in shock, staring at the llama - and saw Brian balanced precariously on the branch of a tree, his eyes bright, phone held aloft, "WHO DO I CALL? WHO DO I CALL!?" he cried.

"GHOST BUSTERS!!!" Nick screamed back.

I rolled my eyes. "CALL THE COPS!! OR THE US EMBASSY!" I yelled.

"WAIT! SCREW GHOST BUSTERS!! PIZZA!!!!!!!!" Nick screamed, "CALL FOR PIZZA!!!"

"NO." AJ's voice was dead calm, low, anger-laced. "Call a fucking llama sniper."

My name is Nick Carter, and I hate it when things choke.

When I was five years old, I was eating a Granny Smith apple in the kitchen and I stuck a slice in my mouth and bit it sideways so I had green teeth. BJ, who was a baby, though that was hilarious and tried to copy me. She swallowed the apple whole and it got lodged in her throat. I thought she was funny until she turned purple, then it got kinda scary. That's when I chose to tell my mom. My mom called the police and these firemen guys came really quick and got the apple out before BJ died, but it involved like all kinds of crazy stuff and oxygen and BJ's never liked Granny Smith apples since. After that day my mom made us all take Heimlich lessons.

I guess it was instinct that made me save the rapist-sheep.

My name is Nick Carter, and this is my story.

~*~
"Get a large cheese, with extra cheese, and ham, pineapple, and red pepper. Make sure they fry the red peppers first!" I called, standing at the foot of the tree Brian was up.

Howie was sitting on a stump next to me, and AJ was trying to swallow Advil with just his spit.

"I can't fucking believe you two," Howie grumbled, "We're lost in the middle of Peru with a crapton of llamas, you have no idea how long the reception will last, or where we are for that matter, and you're trying to order Dominos instead of calling the embassy..."

"Hey just because you aren't hungry doesn't mean everyone else isn't," I retorted, rolling my eyes.

"Hello? Dominos?" Brian asked, "Hey... I gotta question. Do you got a location in Peru?"

My eyes were pleading.

"Oh," he sounded disappointed.

"DAMMIT," I cried. I punched the tree. It shook. Brian clutched the branch. My hand hurt. "Ouch," I doubled into myself, holding my wrist, "That really hurt actually," I muttered.

Howie rolled his eyes. "You just punched a tree, what'd you think it was gonna do? Feel soft and make rainbows shoot out your ass?"

I frowned, "You're cranky."

"Ya think so?" Howie snapped.

AJ looked over, "Order water while you're getting the pizza," he demanded.

"There is no pizza," I said, "There's no locations in Peru."

"Any chance you'd deliver to a llama farm in Peru?" Brian asked. He paused, then held out the phone to look at it, "Hello?" He frowned. "They hung up."

"Shocking," muttered Howie. "Brian, just call the US Embassy. We can get food after we get rescued."

"I need water," AJ said, shaking the Advil container.

Howie groaned.

"And I need pizza!" I shouted, "Or I'ma starve to death! Like those kids in Ethiopia."

Howie poked my tummy. I instinctively laughed like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. "You're not starving to death quite yet," he said. He looked up at Brian, "They'll be able to get us out of here."

Brian stared down at his phone, "What's their number?" he asked.

Howie palm-faced.

"OH! I know, I'll call Leighanne and she can look it up."

"But you'll never hang uppppp," I whined, grabbing at Brian's foot. He kicked at me to knock me away and withdrew his foot from my reach. “I’m hungry!”

“We know, for the love of God, we know,” Howie groaned into his clasped hands, which he’d drawn over his face.

AJ was now shaking the Advil container like it was a maraca.

“I can’t help it if I’m hungry,” I cried, dancing away from Howie as he looked up and gave me the glare of death. I moved so AJ was between us, then realized being on that side of AJ left nothing between me and the llamas. I quickly did a balance in my head: pissed off Howie versus rapist sheep. Which was scarier? I moved toward Howie. “It’s been a really, really, super-dupers long day!” I whined.

“Hallo hunny!” Brian called from up in the tree. “How’re you? How’s Bay-Bay?”

Howie looked up. “Stick to the point, Littrell…”

“WATER,” AJ sang in a strange, beatnik-like voice, and returned to shaking the Advil maraca.

Howie and I both glanced at AJ.

“No seriously, I’m starving,” I complained again. My stomach felt like a void.

Howie gritted his teeth.

“Well, I’m in a tree right now,” Brian laughed suddenly. After a pause, “Yeah a real tree. In a llama farm. We kind of crashed the plane…. Yes, yes honey, yes I’m okay. I’m all right. I’ll be fine…”

“Give it time… But the ooo –ooo h- ooonlyyy … trouble isss I can’t get any foooood…” I sang, hearing Brian say the lyrics to the song. He waved his hand at me to shut me up and Howie covered his face again.

AJ shook the Advil maraca in beat with me.

“Seriously, none of us are hurt except – well a rouge llama gave me a shiner…”

“AND AJ FUCKING HAD SURGERY PERFORMED BY AN AMATURE!” AJ bellowed.

Brian waved him off too.

“Oh burrrrrrn,” I mumbled, pointing at AJ.

AJ muttered something under his breath.

Howie stood up, “Brian, God damn you, ask her for the US Embassy number. You can talk to her again while we’re waiting for them to come rescue us.”

Brian scowled down at Howie. “Honey, I’m getting yelled at by the guys. Can you get me the number to the Peruvian US Embassy?” he asked.

“Thank the Lord,” Howie muttered, tossing his hands into the air.

Brian had Leighanne text the number to him, and promised to call her back after he called the embassy. I was pacing under the tree, my stomach growling loudly. AJ had returned to shaking the Advil bottle, saying random words and clicking his fingers, sitting in a yoga-like position with crossed legs. Howie was rubbing his head. Finally, Brian’s phone vibrated and he laughed, “That always gets me,” he said flipping it opened, “It tickles.”

AJ looked up, “You know what’s really great about the phone vibe? When you have it in your pocket and it rubs up against your ---“

Howie’s head snapped up. “AJ, SERIOUSLY.”

AJ blinked, “What?”

Howie gave him The Look.

“I was gonna say hip…” AJ ended lamely.

“Why would it rubbing against your hip be great?” I asked, feeling stupid.

AJ looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

Howie smacked his forehead. “Oh holy shit, they should make pills for this.”

“Want an Advil?” AJ asked, waving the bottle at Howie.

Howie smacked his hand and the Advil bottle went flying and rolled down the hill.

An enthusiastic llama picked it up and started chewing on it.

AJ stared at it, dumbfounded.

“The llama’s gonna die if it eats that!” I cried. I paused. “EAT UP YOU BASTARD! EAT UP!”

“NICK!” Howie groaned.

“Hello, US Embassy of Peru?!?” Brian cried from the tree. All three of us were diverted from the llama and looked up at Brian. “Hi! Our plane crashed, we’re stuck in a field of llamas!”

“Brian!” I called.

“Please come rescue us!” Brian pleaded.

“Briiii-aaaaan,” I called. AJ was looking down the hill at the llama with the Advil bottle. Howie was staring up at me. “BRIANNNNNN,” I whined louder. “Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian…”

He didn’t even look down.

“Okay.. Yes, okay, I understand. Yes I can do that,” Brian was saying into the phone.

“Brrrrrrrrriiiiii-aaaaaaaaaaannnn…” I reached for his leg but he had it out of my reach still. I jumped trying to catch him.

On my way down from the jump, I stumbled and fell forward into the tree.

Now would probably be a goodtime to mention that by tree, we really mean what looked like a large stick with a branch sticking out of the ground. It wasn’t that big. Seriously it had one branch, which was what Brian was on, and it looked all dead or something. Llamas probably pissed on it so much it died.

I’d die if a llama pissed on me, too.

Anyways, I fell into the tree and it snapped.

Yeah, that’s right. It snapped.

Brian’s limbs flailed as he came down, his eyes big as those plates we talked about before, and he landed with a thump in the grass, his cell phone falling through the air. Howie’s jaw dropped in horror.

“You asshole,” Brian cried, wincing and grabbing the general area that he was referring to.

I bit my lip.

Brian grabbed at his cell phone as it landed next to him and looked, “Shit I got disconnected. There’s no reception again.” He glared at me. “Now I can’t call my wife.”

“OR FOR PIZZA!” I panicked.

Howie closed his eyes. “PLEASE tell me the embassy said they’d disbatch help before numb-nuts here broke the damn tree?”

Brian frowned, “I – I dunno. I think so.”

Howie didn’t move.

“OH JESUS,” AJ suddenly exclaimed.

All three of our heads turned to him.

“The fucking llama really is choking.” He pointed. The llama was convulsing, a lump in its throat where the Advil bottle was located.

“SAVE IT!” I commanded. The other three guys looked at me like I was nuts. “WELL, WE CAN’T JUST LET IT DIE!” I cried.

AJ looked at me, “Why the fuck not?”

“HAVE YOU NO HEART?!?!?” I cried.

“I think that fucker that ate my boot ate that, too,” AJ answered.

“I’LL SAVE YOU, RAPIST SHEEP!” I cried, running down the hill as the llama started hacking very loudly and desperately, his eyes bulging. My feet carried me as fast as I could. Part of me felt like Tweety bird or something, like my legs were doing 360* turns as I ran – even though they weren’t, but dude you know the feeling I mean right? When you run too fast down hills?

I reached the llama as it’s neck was getting wobbly. I leaped onto its back, my arms wrapped around it’s chest/neck and I squeezed, trying to give him the Heimlich. The llama bucked, rearing up and kicking its front legs in panic. “I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU DILDO!” I cried at it. I reached for the lump where the Advil was and figured there was nothing I could do to make it worse - it wasn’t like if it died it was ‘cos I killed the bastard thing, so I started pushing the lump up towards its face.

The llama’s head jerked around as I pushed, it’s tongue out and a wild look in his eyes.

“STOP MOVING BITCH!” I yelled at it as it continued bucking like it thought it was a rodeo bull.

Finally I worked the bottle up to its throat area and, in a move I’ll never understand the thought-process behind, I caught its face in my hands, yanked its mouth open, reached inside and stuck my arm down its throat, and grabbed the Advil. The llama thrashed.

I extracted my arm and the pill bottle and the llama started coughing. I jumped off him and he bolted like there was no tomorrow, his legs carrying him through the fields, the other llamas parting like the Red Sea before Moses as he ran off.

“Fucking ingratful bastard…” I muttered.

I turned to look at the fellas, and started walking up the hill towards them. They all looked thunderstruck. “What?” I asked.

“You saved a rapist sheep,” AJ muttered when I got closer.

I frowned, “Don’t remind me.”

Suddenly, the air overhead was filled with a loud humming. The llamas all looked up, as did we. A helicopter was hovering over the field. The llamas scattered, giving the helicopter wide berth.

“DUDE,” I shouted over the noise, “WE SHOULDDA GOT A HELICOPTER A LONG TIME AGO!” I pointed at the fleeing llamas.

“WE’RE RESCUED!” Brian cried, waving at the helicopter as it lowered to the ground.

“Halle-freaking-lujah,” Howie grumbled, doing the sign of the cross on his face.

A dude in a full bodysuit and a big ass gun jumped off the helicopter and ran towards us, “Brian Littrell?” he asked, looking at us.

Brian raised his palm.

“My name is Jake, and I’m –“

“A LLAMA SNIPER!” AJ cried. He pointed at the fields, “KILL’EM ALL!”

The guy blinked blankly at AJ. “I was thinking ‘here to rescue you’, actually,” Jake answered.

AJ flushed.

“DID YOU BRING PIZZA?” I cried.

Jake blinked. “Was I supposed to?”

“DAMMIT BRIAN!” I yelled.

The Boys were escorted onto the helicopter and fastened in. Brian was reluctant to get on anything that flew ("What if it crashes in another llama field?" he rationalized). Howie immediately fell asleep before the thing had even taken off again. AJ drank two bottles of water within seconds and was begging for a third. Nick, however, pressed his nose to the window, and stared down at the field as the helicopter lifted off the ground, carrying them away from the llama field. He stared as the llamas all looked up, watching as the helicopter departed, their necks stretching.

It felt like a salute - as though Taps should've been playing somewhere in the background.

Nick turned to AJ. "Are you gonna miss them?" he asked quietly.

"Who?" AJ asked, gurgling on the water.

"Them," Nick answered, thumbing at the window, "The llamas."

AJ gave Nick a weird look. "Fuck no," he answered, "Why the fuck would I miss those bastards?" He rolled his eyes.

Nick turned back to the window and looked down at them.

They were still watching, craning their necks, in a cluster at the top of the hill on the horizon as the helicopter sped away.

"Yeah you're right, they're a bunch of bastard rapist sheeps," he muttered, shaking his head and turning away.

But after that, Nick always had a secret love for llamas that he never disclosed to anyone except for Ethan - the stuffed llama that he bought and slept with every night for the rest of his life.

The End.

Artist: Nick Carter, feat. AJ McLean
Song: The Llama Rap (Llama, Llama Remix Version)
Album: Llamas Can Lick Us For All We Care
Label: LLAMAZ


Soft, tinkly piano music plays. The camera pans a field in Peru, which is completely covered with Llamas, all eating the brilliantly green grass. It zooms in on a tree with a broken branch. Nick is standing on a rock, AJ is under the tree, dressed like up with a shawl and a sombrero, shaking maracas.

Nick: LaLa… LaLaLa…LaLa…LaLaLa… LaaLaaa…Laaaaa-maaaa—Llaaaama,…

Suddenly the music breaks into a heavy rap beat with that chains noise sound every few beats.
AJ (heavy rap background vocals): He’s a llama lover, damn straight a llama lover. Lover of the llamas, could love a llama all day-ay-ay-ay-ay…

Nick: I have a llama-llama, it’s a llama toy – llama llama, oi… llama llama, oi! I love the llama llama, if its girl or boy – llama llama oi… llama llama oi!

AJ (still heavy rap bg vocals): He’s a llama lover, oh yes a llama lover. Lover of the llamas, loves a llama all ni-i-i-ight…

Nick: Don’t yall be judgin’ me, cos the llama fill me with joy – llama llama oi, llama llama oi! Don’t be hatin’ on my llama, llama lovin’s not a ploy – llama llama oi, llama llama oi!

AJ (still): Llamas in pajamas are coming down the stairs, llamas in pajamas stole Nicky’s underwearssssss…

Nick: Some don’t be understandin’ so they be hatin’ but llama llama and me we ain’t frontin’, we be creatin’… a love that be real on the inside, a love that be hot like the hottest fire.. mmm, llama llama… mmm, llama llama…

Record player scratching sounds

AJ (spoken): Dude, you’re like freaking me out here.

Nick (spoken): Just roll with it.

AJ (spoken): Okay. (shrug)

The beat starts back up.

AJ (in a high falsetto): Noooooooobody love the llama like he do, oooo, noooobody love the llama like heeee dooooo….like- like- like he do… like he do…

Nick (husky singing/spoken voice – ala ending of IYWTBGG): Ohhh yeaaahh, Llamaaaa… my baby llamaaaa… oooo… hahaa… yeah that’s right llama… Nobody gonna looove you… nobody gonna huuuug you… nobody gonna make sweet llama love to you like I do.. Like – like – like I do…

AJ (in high falsetto): Nooooobody love the llama like he do, oooo, like- like- like he do… like he do….

Nick (in sexy whisper): Llama llama… its gonna be you and me… forever… yeahhhhhhhhhh…. OOOOOOOOOOO-oooooooooo-ooooooo-ooooo

AJ (in high falsetto): Forever, llama llama, forever.

Video cuts.
END.