I blinked back the tears as I drove away. Trying to keep it together was harder than I thought it would be today. I grabbed my phone from the center console, and hit speed dial 2.

“What’s up, babe?” Gage’s voice rang so loud, I winced.

“Hey, Gage,” I started, clearing my throat. “I’m gonna have to take a rain check on breakfast this morning.” The tears starting to trickle down my cheeks.

“What’s wrong? Where are you?” I was prepared for this. Gage had been something close to my guardian angel for a few years now, and could read me like a book. Even when we weren’t around each other.

“I think I need to go to a meeting.” Silence.

“What? Why?” the panic is his voice started to rise; I could hear him trying to mellow it out. At the same time, the tears threatened to start pouring. I pulled over. “Harley?”

“I’m here.” Was all I could manage, losing the grip on my composure.

“Harley, you’re sobbing. Where are you? I’ll come get you.” I could hear him getting around, hear him grab his keys.

“I went and visited dad and Zane.” I spit it out between breaths, trying to deflect his need to rescue me.

“Oh.” He said, exhaling loudly. His whole attitude changed. “Wanna talk about it?”

I laughed through my tears, clearly thrown by the question. “Do I ever?”

Gage sighed. “No. But Harley, why didn’t you tell me? I could have gone with you. And why so early?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I needed to talk to them. I waited all night for the sun to come up. I didn’t want to wait anymore.” I took a deep breath, trying to get a hold of myself.

“I thought we had agreed today wouldn’t be a good day…” his voice lingered. I could tell he was upset. He was just going to have to get over it.

“I changed my mind. I needed to.” Anger started to seep into my voice, although I was trying not to get so irritable. I definitely needed a meeting. I took a deep breath. “Listen, Gage. I just called to let you know I couldn’t do breakfast this morning. I’ll be at the shop at open, okay?”

“No way. I don’t want you coming in today. You go to your meeting and then go home...” He shot back.

“You’re not the one that decides that. I’ll see you at noon.” I hung up the phone; I wasn’t going to wait for him to protest. My phone automatically started ringing again, I hit silent and slid it back in the console. I opened the driver’s side visor, and looked in the mirror. I was a wreck. Yesterday’s makeup was streaming down my cheeks with my tears; my hair was a messy knot on my head. I took another deep breath. Damn Harley, what were you thinking? I blinked my eyes, trying to clear the last of the tears away. I took out a tissue from my purse and wiped my face, adjusted my glasses, and looked back into the mirror. It’ll have to do. I have to go to a meeting. I was afraid if I detoured it home first, I would never make it back out. The urge to lock myself away from the world was way too strong.

I signaled and pulled back out onto the street, aware that it had started raining. Luckily where I was going was just down the street. I hate driving in rain. It spikes my anxiety up big time. As if I don’t have enough of that….

I took my usual spot behind the limestone building, and my stomach starting flip-flopping. Kind of sad that I have a usual spot, now that I think about it. Whatever. I grabbed my purse from the passenger seat, and got out of the car. I locked it, and took another deep breath, looking back at the building. It had been a while since I’d been here; I was thinking I didn’t need it as much. Obviously, this wasn’t the case.

I climbed the stairs, holding onto the rickety metal railing. The bottom of it was rusty from years of sitting in the weather with no care. I opened the heavy door and entered, wiping my feet on the black rubber mat just inside the door. I looked down the long hallway, thinking nothing had changed at all. I ran my fingers along the wall and I walked towards the door, thinking I was grounding myself. Making myself realize that I was really here, really suffering, and really reaching out. I should be praising myself. It only pissed me off.

I got to the door, and looked through the window. People were still milling about. I glanced at my watch. Two minutes to nine. Perfect, it was just about to start. I wasn’t interrupting anything. Or anyone. I took one more breath and opened the door, plastering a fake smile on my face.

I walked over to our director, and looked him in his eyes. I normally tried to stay away from him, but not today.

“Harley, I’m surprised to see you.” Dave said, and it was obvious in his expression.

“I would like to start the meeting.” I said, the smile still plastered. He looked confused, and I just stared at him.

“Of course,” he replied, “not a problem. I’ll call everyone together now.”

I made my way to the front of the room, walls bare except for a few inspirational posters. My shoes squeaked on the linoleum, but I only vaguely noticed. After everyone sat and quieted down, I stepped towards the podium. I looked out into about a dozen faces, most of them I’d never seen before. This only made me even more emotional.

“My name is Harley. I am a drug addict and an alcoholic.”

I tugged my pack of cigarettes out of my hoodie pouch as I made my way down the hall towards the back door. I felt better now that the meeting was over, having spilled my experience for everyone to hear. As much as I complained about it, I was always relieved after the meetings. I wasn’t too fond of sharing my whole story with everyone, there were certain details I omitted, but knowing that other people out there had the same struggle with addiction helped me. I could’ve settled for calling my sponsor, but today it seemed as I needed more than that.

I smiled as I got closer to the door, I could see the sunlight outside. Funny how weather can affect your mood. I pulled the back door open, walked down the steps and into the courtyard with a cigarette in my mouth. The courtyard was another reason I parked in the back, aside from skirting having to make small talk with the other members. It was beautifully landscaped; someone had spent a great deal of time out here. The trees surrounded a semi circle of old stone benches, little clusters of daisies on each side. In the middle of it all there was a beautiful fountain; the bronze in the middle of it sculpted with flowers and butterflies. I’ve taken refuge here many times since I started my sobriety, feeling at peace when I’m here, like a little escape. I took comfort in the fact that it was so close to my allies, so close to the reality of my life, my struggles and my accomplishments. Months ago I did research on the trees, fascinated by their tiny pink buds, and the shape of them. The branches hanging over the benches and if protecting the secrets of the people who sat on them. Weeping Higan Cherry trees, they turned out to be. I am still determined to find some to plant near the house.

I guess it was my house now, wasn’t it? And just like that, my thoughts were rattled.

“DUDE I already told you, I’m here! I just fucking got here!” The sound of his voice startled me, jarring me from my mini daydream. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be out here. But there he was, glaring at me while I looked back at him, giving me some variation of the look of death. He lowered his voice. Barely.

I lit my cigarette.

“I can’t believe you called to check on me. Last I knew, I didn’t have to answer to you.” Emphasis on the ‘you’. I tried really hard not to eavesdrop on his conversation, but given the fact that he was practically screaming, it was difficult. Plus, I was distracted by trying to figure out who he was. He looked familiar, but I couldn’t place him.

He stood leaning against a black Mercedes convertible, legs crossed at the ankles. He obviously had money, as it wasn’t a car that everybody here was driving. He was wearing baggy dark blue jeans, no doubt designer something, and a dark blue windbreaker, although I couldn’t tell what brand it was. His shoes were so white; they were either brand new, or never worn. He had silver hoops in his ears, and a hat shaded his eyes from me. He also had a pair of sunglasses sitting on top of the brim of the hat. I couldn’t help but notice how thin he was; he didn’t look very healthy to me at all.

“Well, I don’t give a shit who you think you are! You aren’t really my brother, and you sure as hell ain’t my father! Quit fucking checking up on me!” He slid his phone shut, and put it in his front pocket. With his other hand, he grabbed a pack of smokes out of his jacket, shaking them. The sun reflected off of a silver watch, no doubt expensive as well.

“FUCK!” he yelled, throwing the empty pack into the parking lot. He was obviously not very happy. I pulled out my pack, walking towards him, offering.

“They’re menthols.” I said, as he reached out.

“No problem. And…thanks.” He gave me the pack back.

“It’s cool. I'm having one of those days as well.” I said, zipping up my hoodie.

He laughed, and it threw me off. “You have no idea what kind of day this has been.” he looked at me, and I had a feeling he was right. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know. “AA in there?” He asked, pointing towards the doors I had just exited.

“Uh, yeah, it is. But it just got out. Not another meeting until tonight.”

“Shit.” Was all he said, leaning back against his car again. He took off his hat, and ran his fingers through bleached blond hair, then replaced it on his head. “Today is turning out to be pretty worthless already. And then I got assholes thinking they gotta call and check up on me, like my fucking word ain’t good enough since they found out ‘my secret’.” the air quotes caught me off guard.

I stood there and didn’t know what to do. I felt like he wanted to talk more, but I wasn’t really into making conversation with this complete stranger who obviously had a lot of stuff going on. He cut off my thoughts.

“By the way,” he walked towards me, hand outreached, cigarette between his lips. “I’m AJ.” I shook his hand, and his eyes locked on mine.

“Harley.” I said, and the feeling that I knew him from somewhere grew, but I still couldn’t place him.

“Harley, huh?” He smiled. “That’s an interesting name.” He let go of my hand.

I hesitated. He kept his eyes on me, and smiled again. The smile comforted me, although déjà vu was kicking into overdrive. It was then that he grabbed a McDonald’s cup off the roof of his car, and it was also then that my stomach growled. For the first time today, I felt hungry.

“Thanks.” I started. “Anyway, I gotta go. It was nice meeting you.” I said, making my way towards my car.

“For sure. Hope your day gets better.” He replied, opening his car door as well. I unlocked my door, got in, and relocked it. I looked over at him, and he was backing out, not paying any attention to me.

What the hell, Harley? I thought. I watched him put his car in gear and drive away. I racked my brain for a few minutes, and determined that I might have been going crazy. I obviously had never met this man before.

Interrupting my thoughts, my stomach growled again. I turned my car on, and pulled out of the lot. I checked my phone, and realized I had two voicemails from Gage. Sometimes he didn’t know when to let up. That’s not fair, Harley. You know he’s just worried. I decided to call him when I got home, but first I had to go get food. And McDonald’s seemed to be a pretty damn good idea.

As I pulled into the driveway, I hit the garage door opener. I made sure to park on the right side of the oversized garage. My dad always parked his bike on the left, and the habit had stuck with me, even though I knew he was never coming home. I guess it was an old habit I couldn’t break. Of course, it was also possible that I didn’t want to break it.

Gage called me crazy when I told him I didn’t want to sell the house. “It’s not healthy, Harley.” He said. “It’ll make things worse.” I was determined to prove him wrong. I admit, sometimes it was very hard on me, difficult to the point I felt like I was suffocating. But most days I took joy in it, happy that the little things reminded me of a time when I felt pleased in my life.

I climbed the three concrete steps and closed the garage door, hitting the switch on the wall. I unlocked the door that led into the house. As soon as I was inside, I set my purse and my food on the dining table, and went left to wash my hands in the sink. I glanced at the backsplash as I rinsed my hands. It was tile, the color of sand. I reached out and touched it, wondering what real sand felt like.

Dad told me that the ocean was my mother’s favorite place. He told me the story about how the two of them met – it was the summer my dad had turned 16, and he had taken my grandpa’s bike down to the beach. He saw a cute red head walking with her friends, and he told me he knew then that he wanted to be with her, a love-at-first-site thing. He walked right up to her and asked her out. They had been inseparable ever since.

My father had this house built when they both found out they were pregnant with me. And since my mother loved the ocean so much, he brought it to her, in the kitchen. It looked a little out of date, with the deep blue linoleum, the sea foam green walls, and the seagulls painted around the trim, but my father said it was my mother’s favorite place to be. The cabinets almost matched the backsplash, just a little bit darker, a little grittier look to them. He had also gone to that same beach and collected tons of shells from it, putting them in various glass vases, placing them on the counter. Dad told me once, that if he stood in the kitchen long enough, he could feel her presence. I had stood in the kitchen for hours probably, and had never felt a thing.

I grabbed my purse and my food and headed towards my room. Just as I got inside the door, and set my food on my bed, my phone rang. It was Gage, I could tell by the ring tone. I definitely wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. I put my phone on silent and set it down on my night stand.
While I was eating, I looked around my room. I didn’t spend too much time in here. If I was home I was most likely in the living room, or the basement. The living room is more formal, the basement was what dad always referred to as the family room. And if I wasn’t at home I was in one of two places: the family garage, or Gage’s shop.

I loved my room though. I had redecorated it after I decided to keep the house. All my furniture was black. My curtains and my bed spread both had black and white patters. The walls were painted a dark gray. The room didn’t really have a bad vibe though – color was splashed throughout the room in picture frames, knickknacks, a patchwork quilt I had made years ago on the floor. I also had tons are art adorning my walls, from pictures Zane had drawn, to pieces I had found in antique shops, flea markets, yard sales.

After I was done, I pulled out my journal from under my bed. My therapist had told me that it would probably help me to write things down every once in a while. Since I started, I’d written in it at least once a day. My journal was different than my therapist, or even Gage. It listened to me; let me use it without asking for anything in return. It didn’t ask me to sort out my feelings, or figure out my problems, it didn’t judge me or tell me what to do. It was especially useful in a time like this – when I didn’t want to talk to Gage. I cranked up my radio and leaned against the wall with a pillow behind me, grabbed my pen, and started.

As soon as I put my pen to my journal, pounding sounded from the front door. I rolled my eyes and sighed as I shut my journal and slid it onto my night table, next to a book I was currently reading. I knew it had to be Gage. I sat there for a few minutes, hoping that if I didn’t answer he would just leave me alone. Unfortunately, the pounding just got worse and I decided to go ahead and make my way out to the door.

I knew I should have just answered the damn phone, but the truth was, I just didn’t want to listen to him. Gage tended to be quite domineering. He always means well, but sometimes he doesn’t quite recognize that he goes overboard with things. All I really wanted to do was curl up in bed with my body pillow and blankets. Perhaps make some hot tea and just be alone. I’ve already gone to a meeting; that was the best thing I could do for myself. Now I just needed time to process my emotions over everything. I needed that to be able to continue the day, not being bombarded with countless questions that I don’t want to answer. The day had already been exhausting so far, and it wasn’t even close to being over yet. I hadn’t even determined if I wanted to make an appearance at work. I thought perhaps a distraction would be nice, but I also don’t think I should be putting holes in people when I clearly have my mind on something else.

I could physically feel the irritation of being bothered build up inside me as I walked to the door. Right before my hand made it to the doorknob, I heard Gage slide his key into the deadbolt. I stopped, placing my hands on my hips, fuming. Sometimes I really regret having ever given him a key. He pushed on the door, but it wouldn’t budge; I always made sure the chain was slid in place whenever I was home.

“Shit!” Gage exclaimed as the door wouldn’t open completely. I could barely see him through the slight opening the chain on the door had allowed. He made eye contact, and his attitude softened. “Harley! Are you okay? Can you let me in?”

“Why should I?” I questioned.

He frowned. “Because I need to talk to you?”

“No, you don’t want to talk. You want to bitch at me, and I am really not up for that. I told you I would call you.”

“But you didn’t!” His voiced raised a bit. “I have been worried about you! Now open the damn door!”

I stood there for a moment, contemplating what to do. I was distraught that he couldn’t leave me alone, and yet I knew I probably sounded irrational earlier on the phone. I had certainly felt irrational. I understood why Gage insists on keeping such a close eye on me, but sometimes I resent it.

I finally decided to let him in and threw the latch and chain back. The door opened without hesitation this time. I turned my back and made my way to an overstuffed forest green reclining chair that faced the great fireplace in the center of the wall opposite to the door. “What do you want, Gage?” I threw over my shoulder, fully aware of the answer.

He followed me over, coming around the chair and looking me in the eye. “You know exactly why I am here, Harley. Don’t be like this.”

“Don’t be like this?!” I cried. “You don’t be like this! I don’t call you when you think I should, or I don’t answer when you call me a thousand times, and I’m the one who has a problem?”

“You call me this morning, upset, saying you went and visited your dad and Zane, and then you go to a meeting, and then I don’t hear from you. I am here for you, Harley. I need to make sure you’re alright.” He expounded, anger starting to drip from his voice.

“I told you I would call you later, Gage!” I said, annoyance strengthening my voice.

He looked hurt. “Don’t get upset with me, Harley! I don’t know what is going on with you today. You can’t really expect me to sit at home and wait around for you to decide whether or not you’re okay! You had to go to a meeting today. How long has it been since you’ve done that?!”

“You told me to go home and not come in to work today! Sounds like you already knew what I was doing!” I spat out. “And why does it matter how long it has been since I have been to a meeting? I am an addict, Gage. I always will be. If I feel like I need to go to a meeting, I will damn well go to a meeting, and it has nothing to do with you!”

Gage knelt down to meet my eyes, and I could see the fury slowly creating tension. He inched closer to my face and gritted his teeth. “Did you even go to a meeting earlier, Harley? Are you sure you didn’t just decide to drink?”

I slapped him and pushed him out of my way as I got up from the chair and walked away from him. “How dare you, Gage! Does 11 months sober mean anything to you?!” I was seething now. He always did this to me, always pushed me to my breaking point when things didn’t go the way he demanded they do. “I am tired of your bullshit and your rage you try to disguise as concern!”

“Does relapse mean anything to you? Do you realize what you did to yourself today? Do you realize how dangerous the choice that you made could have been? You are right, Harley, you are an addict. You are the one that needs to remember that! I refuse to watch you die!” he had gotten in my face again, backing me up until I could feel the door handle to the basement digging into my back. He had both hands on either side of my head, and his eyes were harsh just like his words.

“Your scare tactics do not work on me, remember?” I seethed as I pushed him out of the way again. “Do not try to turn this around on me, either! You need to chill the fuck out, or get out of my house!” I once again crossed my arms, taking up post next to the front door. It wasn’t the first time Gage attempted to pull this approach on me, but I had been done letting him guilt trip me years ago.

His eyes relaxed and he lowered his voice. “Harley, no, babe, listen. I know you didn’t drink. I just get so worried about you. And you not answering your phone scared me to death. I know you. I know how you crawl up inside yourself after meetings, and how you shut out the world. I care about you, Harley. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.” He held out his arms, offering the closest thing to an apology I would get from him.

I gave up and walked into his arms. “I get so tired of you being so angry with me all the time. How long is it going to be until you will trust me? What is it I have to do to prove to you I can take care of myself?” I asked, burying my face against his chest. He was almost a foot taller than my 5’2” height. He smelled just like he always did, so familiar it put me at ease. He wrapped his arms around me and sighed.

“It’s not like that, Harley. I do trust you. But it’s difficult to let you go when I know everything you have been through and I know how you react. I just know you, and you know that.” He said as he gently rubbed my back. I let my body sag against his and started to cry, emotions coming back to the forefront of my mind.

“It’s been five years, Gage. Five years since they left me. Five years since my entire world came crashing down. Five years since I was forced to figure out how the hell to live somewhat normally. How could they do this to me? Why me, Gage? Why?!” I cried. How dare they do this to me?

“Shh” Gage said soothingly. He continued to stand there until I finally gave up and sank down onto the floor, hugging my knees close to my chest. He sat down across from me and gathered me in his arms again. “It’s going to be alright, Harley. We will get you through this. We always do.”

While it’s true, I have made it this far, his words didn’t mean shit to me at the moment. I didn’t know how I was going to recover this time. Five years hit me a lot harder than I imagined, and I felt even more lost than I had before I had visited them. I didn’t feel like doing anything, and I found myself hoping Gage would just go ahead and leave me so I could be alone.

When I was done crying, Gage let go of me and stood up, holding out his hand to me. “Come on, babe. How about I make you a bath and some tea, and then I’ll get out of here and you can have your alone time? I could come back tonight and make us dinner after I close up shop.”

I sat there, looking up at him. He amazed me. Sometimes I couldn’t quite grasp his ability to go from explosive to sweet in a matter of seconds. But this was the same Gage I’ve known since I was a kid. I had instantly gotten a crush when my brother had invited him to the house for the first time, even though we were just children. That seemed like eons ago. Gage still had a heart of gold; he’d just built up a wall of thorns around it since then. He was the one person I had left in my life, the one that knew the most of my story, the one that has stuck around for me. He was here to comfort me when dad and Zane were gone. He knew how close my family and I were.

Staring up into those now calm blue eyes, I once again realized I wouldn’t have been able to make it this far without him. As independent as I want to be, he has been a solid rock when I have needed him. He has always dropped everything to help me if it’s needed.

It was a shame things didn’t work out between us. We are much better off friends, but it would have just been so easy had it worked out for us. However, as much as I love Gage, I hate being coddled, and I hate feeling like I’m in competition with someone constantly. Gage also has to be continually on the go, doing something all the time. I just couldn’t handle it, especially with everything I was going through. It was tough to keep boundaries between us though. Thankfully, that mess of an experiment hadn’t deterred our friendship in the least.

“It sounds fine to me.” I said, grabbing his hand and pulling myself up. “A bubble bath would be preferred, and I just bought some new Lady Grey tea, it’s in the pantry.” I headed for my bathroom and got a towel and washcloth from the closet.

“No, Harley, you just sit down and relax. I will take care of it all.” He softly guided me through the bathroom door into my bedroom. After he left me to run the bath water, I shut the door and changed into my silk cerulean robe. I went out to the kitchen to get the tea while Gage was running the bath. He came and saw me standing there.

“I told you I was going to get that for you.” He said, opening the microwave and placing the tea bag in the cup of water.

“It’s okay, I’m capable.” I laughed. “You need to get to work anyway. I’ll see you later tonight.” I walked to the front door and opened it.

“You’re sure you’re going to be alright?”

“Yes, I’ll be fine. I’m going to take a bath and go to bed. I’m tired.” I waited for him to come to the door.

“Alright. I’ll see you later tonight then. Enjoy your bath and your nap.” He said, kissing the top of my head. Then he was gone and I shut and locked the door behind him. I was thankful to finally be alone. I was going to enjoy it. I grabbed my tea out of the kitchen, picked up a book from my room, and locked myself in the bathroom.

I blinked as I walked in to the smoky bar, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. It’s been over a year since I’ve been here, and not much has changed. Booths lined one wall, there were a few tables thrown in the middle of the floor, and the bar ran along the entire length of another wall. The wall was mirrored behind the bar, cluttered with numerous bottles. There was a small dance floor in the corner of the room, and there was a group of girls dancing with each other. It was Friday night, and it was pretty busy. I felt a small rush looking at the crowd. This place had been a home away from home for a while, I had spent a lot of my time here.

And now I was back. I desperately wanted a drink. I wanted to feel the burn start in the back of my throat and travel down to my stomach. I wanted to let go of everything. I was hurting, and I needed to numb the pain. I had been in tears the past few days and couldn’t seem to shake it. I even had to take a couple more days off of work. I tried to block out the thoughts as I made my way to the bar. I stood there for a moment before a bartender got to me.

“What can I get for ya? Wait, Harley? Is that you?” the woman asked, and I was surprised when I looked up at her.

“Summer? Hi! You’re bartending now?” I knew Summer from when I was coming to the bar before. She had been my favorite waitress back then. We’d even hung out a few times.

“Yes! Have been for a while now. How are you doing? I’ve haven’t seen you forever! It was like you just quit coming out!” She replied, wiping at the bar with a towel. “Where’s Gage? How’s he doing?”

“Gage is good. He’s doing really well. Business is really going great for him.” I replied.

“Who’s Gage?” someone behind me asked. I turned around and saw the man from AA. He was wearing a hat again, this time he had his sunglasses on. He was holding an empty glass and sat it down on the bar. “Double Jack and Coke, please.” He said, sitting down next to me. He looked over at me and took his sunglasses off, placing them on the brim of his hat. He grinned. “How’s it going? Harley, right? Funny, running into you at a bar, after meeting you at AA.”

“Make that two please, Summer. Two cherries in mine.” I turned back to look at the man. He was wearing a leather jacket over a tank top, and baggy jeans. “I’m sorry, I forgot your name….”

“AJ.” He said, focused on Summer.

“So, AJ,” I said, watching her as well. She sat down our drinks on napkins in front of us. He took his and threw it back, finishing it quickly. He pulled a credit card out of his wallet and set it on the bar.

“Can I start a tab? Put hers on it, too. And can I get another one, please?” He asked Summer, and she took his card and started making his drink.

“You didn’t need to do that.” I said.

“I didn’t think I did.” AJ drew out a cigarette and lit up. I followed suit. I swirled my straw around in my drink, wondering if I was really going to go through with this. Almost a year sober. Did I really want to throw it away? “If you have to think about it,” AJ said, taking a drag off his cigarette, “maybe you shouldn’t do it.” He reached over and removed the straw out of my drink, and pulled the drink towards him. I watched him put the glass to his lips and drain my drink. “Here, have your cherries back.” And he pushed the glass back towards me. I sat there, a little unsure of what to do next. I stood up and reached for an ashtray, and put it between us. I flicked my ashes into it.

“So,” I started again, watching Summer set down AJ’s next drink, “what brings you out tonight?”

“Needed to get out of the house. Just moved in a month ago, and am already tired of the damned thing. It’s confining. I feel like I’m in jail. I can’t get away from everyone and everything fast enough.” he looked at me. “You never answered me. Who is Gage?”

I sat there for a moment, wondering who the hell this guy was and why he was so curious about me and my business. He seemed like he was feeling his alcohol. I envied him.

“Hey, Summer! Can I get another drink?” I called to her, pulling out a twenty dollar bill and setting it on the bar. Fuck it, I thought. One drink won’t hurt me.

Deep down I knew better. I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t do it. But I was desperate. And here I was with a guy who looked like he was having a good time and was feeling good. Damn it, I wanted that.

“Gage is a friend. I used to come to this bar with him all the time, before I got sober.” I said as the bartender set down my drink and took my money. I smiled at her as she made my change. I gave her a couple of dollars and put the rest back in my pocket. “He would kill me if he knew what I was doing.” And that wasn’t a joke. I was going to be in for it when Gage found out.

AJ laughed. “Why does he have to know?” Once again he downed his drink, his third just since he sat down next to me. I was a little concerned about him.

“Are you going to be okay?” I asked.

“I’m good. I drink more than this all the time. ” He said, putting his cigarette out. “Harley, Harley, Harley. I gotta ask. What’s up with your name? That’s a cool name. I like it.” he turned his body towards me.

I laughed. “Well, my parents gave it to me.” I plucked one of the cherries out of my drink and ate it. I savored the sweetness of the Jack Daniels dancing on my tongue. Man, I missed drinking.

“Ha ha, very funny.” He elbowed me, and I smiled at him.

“What about you, AJ? Tell me something about yourself. You said you just moved here. Where are you from?” I asked, pushing my hair back off my shoulders.

He sighed, lighting up another cigarette. “I came from Florida. I needed to get away from my life. Needed a break. Needed to meet new people. And here I am, doing the same thing, just with different people.” He looked at me thoughtfully. “Maybe I am in worse shape than I thought.” He blew out some smoke.

“What was so bad with your life that you needed to leave?” I asked, curious.

“I was becoming someone I didn’t recognize. But hey – let’s not talk about all that bullshit. I want to have a good time!” He finished his drink and slammed the empty glass back down on the bar. “Oops, didn’t mean to do that.”

I fished the other cherry out of my drink and sucked on it, once again appreciating the alcohol. I wanted very much to just toss back my drink as well. I watched AJ signal for the bartender again, and wondered again who this man was. Florida? Seemed he was running from something. And I didn’t know that he would find it here. I took another cigarette out of my pocket and AJ reached for his lighter and tried to light it for me, but was having trouble staying stable enough. I finally took his lighter from him and did it myself. He laughed.

“My bad” he said, putting his lighter back in his pocket. He made a face and pulled his phone out of his other pocket. He did something, I assumed replied to someone, and put it back. “Screw that shit! I am busy!” and Summer set another drink in front of him. He knocked it back just as quickly as the others. “I’m not listening to that right now. I’m here having a good time with my new friend Harley. You gonna drink that?” he pointed to my drink.

I didn’t know that I was. I kept wavering back and forth on whether or not I wanted to. As AJ watched, I took a sip and almost moaned. The burn felt so good and it tasted like heaven. I licked my lips and watched AJ eyebrows raise.

“Damn. I think yours must be better than mine. Must be those cherries.” He leaned in close to me, those brown eyes piercing mine. “Why don’t you finish it?”

I grabbed my glass and put it to my lips, and downed the entire drink. It burned all the way down. I smiled as I felt it hit my belly, and AJ grinned back at me.

“Another!” he said, signaling for Summer. She brought us another round, and I finished the second drink quicker than the first. Quicker than AJ, even. I just looked at him.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing.” I smiled, and he smiled back. “Who was bothering you on your phone?”

“Oh, someone I used to think was a friend of mine. I’m not so sure anymore.” He stared off, looking at something I wasn’t sure was really there.

“Does the alcohol have anything to do with that?” I asked.

“Right now, or any other time?” he ran a hand through his hair. “The alcohol has a major part in it, but this is something that’s been going on for a while now. See, I work with these guys, and they all have their own opinion about what’s going on and what I’m doing. I’m trying to do right by them, but I think that’s part of the problem I am having. I need to get sober for me. Not them.” He explained.

I knew exactly what he was talking about. I went through the same thing. Trying to get sober for somebody else wasn’t going to work; it never did. “It doesn’t work like that.” I looked into his eyes.

“I’m figuring that out. These guys have this picture of what I’m supposed to be like in their heads, and I’ve tried for so long to conform to that and it’s just not working. I need to worry about me now. It’s not even just about getting sober. It’s about me being me. I’m just trying to figure out who I am in all of this.” He took out another cigarette and lit up. I did the same.

“You know, I did exactly the same thing you are doing now. Well, maybe not exactly the same, but I was trying to find myself during all of the drug and alcohol use. Some bad shit happened and I lost myself for a long time, and it took me a while to get myself back.” I turned towards him, wondering if it was really okay to be spilling all of this to him. “But you have to do it for you, and not for anybody else. It took me a long time to realize that.” I gestured for Summer again. “Can we get another round please?”

We had three more drinks, and I was feeling pretty good. Things were getting a little fuzzy for me, and I was enjoying it all. My inhibition was down, and I was feeling pretty loose. I missed this feeling.

“Hey,” AJ said, leaning into me, mouth close to my ear, “Want to do a couple bumps with me?”

I pulled back and just looked at him. “No,” I said, “I don’t think so. But go have fun.” I didn’t do cocaine. I didn’t know he did either. He got up and winked at me. I wondered if I should get up and leave, knowing that I didn’t particularly like being around drugs like that. But it wasn’t like he was doing them around me, right?

“I’ll be right back.”

I looked at Summer and she brought me another drink. “He sure is a looker.” She said.

“What?”

“Well he is! He has a great smile. You guys are cute together.”

“Oh, no. we aren’t together. I just met him recently.” I sputtered, hastily grabbing my glass. Someone placed their hands on my shoulders and I jumped. AJ started laughing.

“Not funny”, I said sticking out my tongue at him. I finished my drink and sat it down on the bar. “Let’s go outside,” I said, “I’m getting hot in here.”

“Okay”. We made our way to the back patio, where there was just one couple out there huddled up close to each other. I took a seat at one of the tables, AJ sat across from me. The breeze was a little chilly.

“Here, take this” AJ shrugged out of his jacket, leaning towards me.

“Oh, no, I am fine.”

“Take it, please.” I took the jacket and put it on. It smelled like smoke and cologne. I pulled my hair out from under the jacket. A phone went off in the pocket, and I pulled it out and gave it to AJ. He looked at it and grimaced.

“Damn, they won’t leave me alone!” he silenced his phone, slamming it down on the table.

“So what is it that you do, AJ?” I asked, curious. All this talking about these guys he worked with made me question what he actually did for a living.

He sat there for a minute, like he was deciding what he wanted to tell me. “I work in entertainment.”

I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. I didn’t push. “Your friends, do you think they feel like it’s somewhat their responsibility to help you?”

“I am not sure, but I’m assuming they feel like it’s their responsibility to help, even just a little bit. It’s just that they have these ideas of what needs to happen, and they want it on their schedule, and they want it done their way, and I just can’t do that. I need it to be on my time, my schedule. I need to figure things out for myself, and it doesn’t help when they are all breathing down my neck.” AJ said, taking a drink of his Jack and Coke. I looked at him for a minute.

“These guys you work with, you’re awfully close with them, aren’t you?”

“I have known them for years. A lot of years, and they are like brothers to me. And that’s why I think it’s so hard. We are so so close and we’ve been in each other’s lives constantly for so long that it’s just hard to pull away from them and to separate ourselves. I know they want what’s best for me, but what they think is best and what I think is best are two different things and we keep clashing on how to get there.” AJ paused and took a drink, spilling a little over the side of his glass. He pulled out a cigarette and held it between his fingers, not lighting it. “But I think it was good for me to move away and put some distance between us even if I still feel like I can’t breathe. AA has to work. I need it to work. I need it work really bad. I just got out of rehab about two weeks ago and that was shit. Maybe I need to go again. I don’t know. I don’t seem to know anything at this point. Would you help me figure things out?”

“How am I supposed to help you when I can’t even help myself?” I whispered, closing my eyes. I was feeling sorry for myself all of a sudden.

“What do you mean?” he turned towards me.

“I just, look at me. I’m a mess. I just threw away my sobriety. I am not strong enough anymore. It’s been five years, A.J.” I blurted out.

“Five years for what?”

I sighed, biting my lip. “Five years since my dad and my brother died. They were my world. My mom died when she was giving birth to Zane and I. I never knew her. But my dad and my brother, we were all very close. I was devastated when it happened. I still am. It tears me up every day. It’s my fault. It should have been me!” I started crying, knowing I looked like a complete idiot. I didn’t care.

“I’m so sorry Harley. That sucks. What happened?”

I wrapped A.J.’s jacket around me tighter. “A motorcycle accident. My dad took my brother out for his first ride. They had the right of way with a green light and a semi ran his red light. They didn’t have a chance.”

A.J. scooted his chair closer to me and grabbed both of my hands, rubbing his thumbs over the insides of my wrists. “I wish I could say its okay, but it’s not, not really. I’m sorry you had to go through that. No wonder you’re such a mess.” He wiped my tears away from my cheek and laughed. I smiled, enjoying the tenderness of his fingers on my face. I snuggled up close to him, clinging onto his shirt, burying my face in his neck, and he put his arms around me and just held me for a while, letting me cry.

After a bit, I let go of him and leaned back. “Sorry about that.” I apologized, looking down at my nails, starting to pick at them. I felt better though, better than I had in a few days. Even though I didn’t really know A.J., I was beginning to feel like we could be friends, like maybe we could help each other out. We seemed to have something in common; the emotions that drive us to drinking and drugs.

“Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry for that. Ever. I meant it.” A.J. said, eyes serious. “Nothing wrong with venting.” We sat in silence for a little while, and I was thinking about everything I just told him. I don’t tell people my story, I feel like it’s too personal. “Hey, you know what? Let’s go dance. Let’s take our minds off things. You need cheered up, before we lose our buzz. What do you say?” A.J.’s eyes lit up, like he had this major epiphany and it was the greatest idea he’d ever thought of.

“Um, sure.” I got out of my chair and stumbled, A.J. grabbing my arm. He laughed. He grabbed my hand and walked me back into the bar and over to the dance floor. I stood there, waiting for the room to stop spinning. I hadn’t danced in a long time. I wasn’t very good at it, but I did enjoy it. A.J. suddenly put his arm around my back and pulled me in close to him, and I started swaying to the music. He smiled at me again and we danced together, a bit awkwardly, until finally I caught the rhythm of the music. I moved my arms up to rest on his shoulders while we grinded against each other. Touching his forehead with mine, I laughed until he started laughing, and eventually he put both of his arms around me and held me tighter, pulling me closer to him until I could feel his arousal. I pushed away from him, and started walking away.

“I’m sorry, I need to go.” I said as he followed behind me.

“What? I didn’t hear you.”

“I said I need to go, A.J. Please don’t follow me. I need to get home.” I turned around, taking off his jacket and tossing it at him. “I’ll see you around. Thanks for listening. Good night, A.J.”

“Hey!” I called out as I made my way into the shop through the back door.

“Hey, there you are!” Gage replied, making his way into the back room. Gage purchased Eternity Tattoo quite a few years ago. His plan was to open it with my brother. I never wanted to have anything to do with it, I’m not artistic like Gage and Zane. But Gage talked me into being a body piercer, and I’ve been here ever since. I enjoyed my job. I enjoyed working with Gage – for the most part. His domineering nature is still present even at work, and a lot of times he doesn’t know his boundaries. At least he has never crossed the line when the other tattoo artists are in, or when there are clients. There are two other artists in the shop, a girl and a guy Gage has known for years, and they are pretty good. There is only one other tattoo shop in town, so the competition is low. It really makes me happy that Gage decided to go on with his and Zane’s dream even though Zane’s not around anymore.

“Sorry I’m late. No excuses. Has anyone been in for anything?” I asked, shrugging off my hoodie and hanging it on one of the hooks on the wall next to the door. There were framed photos of my brother’s artwork all over the walls in the back, another reminder that this too was Zane’s dream.

“Nope. And no appointments on the books until 2:00, with me. Charlie comes in at 4, she has an appointment. And Chris is off today. It should be a slow day, but I guess you never know.” He grabbed a pop out of the refrigerator. “How’s things down at the garage?”

“Fine. They want to hire another new guy, I guess just part time. I told them to go for it.” I made my way to the front of the parlor and washed my hands in one of the sinks. There were two sinks along one wall of the front room. Three of the walls were painted black, the fourth wall painted red. Flash art and original drawings by Gage, Charlie, and Chris hung on the red wall. There were three tattoo stations along another wall. There was a counter with a glass case exhibiting piercing jewelry towards the front, with a computer on it.

“Oh, why?” Gage asked.

“I don’t know. I think someone else must not be working out. We had that new hire a few months ago, and he’s just been calling in a lot.” I am the owner of Parker Mechanics, the family motorcycle repair shop. My dad taught me everything he knew about mechanics when I was growing up, and I guess it sort of stuck with me, so I went to school for mechanics. Although I rarely do any hands on work anymore, I am in charge of everything. It’s a lot different when you’re the boss, and there’s so many aspects to owning a business that I knew nothing about until dad was gone.

“That sucks. Sorry you have to deal with that.” He leaned against a wall and crossed his arms.

“It is what it is.” I said as I sat down behind the counter. Honestly, I hated being the boss. But I couldn’t bring myself to sell the shop.

The bell over the front door rang out as someone opened it. “Welcome to Eternity Tattoo” I said without looking up from the computer.

“Harley!” someone said. I looked up.

“AJ? What are you doing here?” I looked over at Gage, noticing he had looked up and was watching.

AJ stumbled over to the counter and leaned onto it. “Hey, so this is where you work, huh? Very cool. You busy? Who is the piercer? I’d like to get something done.” He reeked of alcohol and I could smell it from where I was sitting.

“I haven’t seen you around in AA. Where have you been?” I stood up.

“Fuck AA man, I don’t need that shit.”

“I’m sorry, are you drunk?” Gage moved across the floor closer to AJ. “We can’t help you if you’re drunk.”

AJ looked at Gage. “Who are you?”

“This is Gage. He owns the parlor.” I glanced back at Gage, who eyed AJ and I suspiciously. I walked closer to AJ, so I could get in between the two of them.

“Oh this is the Gage? The one you were telling me about at the bar a couple weeks ago? Hey. How are you doing?” AJ extended his hand, as if he wanted to shake Gage’s.

“What?” Gage said, clenching his jaw. I saw him ball up his hands into fists.

I walked from behind the counter and grabbed AJ by the arm. I led him out the front door to the side of the store. “What are you doing? You can’t come into a tattoo parlor drunk. That’s ridiculous!” I was scolding him, but I didn’t care. I was pissed he had just told Gage I’d been at the bar.

“I was walking down the street, from the bar, and I saw the sign and decided I wanted to get something done, so I stopped by. You can’t get pierced when you’ve been drinking? What’s up with that?”

“No you can’t.” I sighed, “And why are you drunk anyway? It’s one o’clock in the afternoon! You said you were going to get help. You said you were going to go to AA and stop drinking and get your shit together!” I looked into the shop window, where Gage had his arms crossed again and was glaring out.

“Not you too! You think I need a babysitter? You think I need more people telling me what to do? I asked you to help me! Not reprimand me like a fucking child! Fuck this, I don’t need this shit!” AJ turned around and started walking away from me.

“AJ, wait!” I called after him, but he just kept walking. Fine. If he wanted to be that way, he was just going to have to be pissed off. Why did it even matter to me anyway?

I walked back into the shop and could feel Gage’s eyes on me. “Don’t start. I don’t want to hear it, Gage.”

“Who the fuck was that?” Gage ran his hand over his skull trimmed hair, his temper burning.

I sighed. “He went to an AA meeting once. We had a cigarette together.”

“What the fuck was he talking about you being in a bar? Tell me he was fucking lying.” Gage shoved off the wall and got in my face. “Tell me you didn’t do it, Harley.”

He stared at me.

“I, I…”

“Fuck, Harley, what the fuck were you thinking?!” He threw his hands up. “You are an alcoholic who was sober for 11 months. And you threw it all away?” He shoved his finger in my face. “You are fucking unbelievable. I can’t, I don’t even know what to say. And you’re hanging out with another alcoholic? What the fuck is wrong with you?” he was almost screaming now, and I was on the verge of tears.

“Gage, I-!” I started, but he interrupted.

“Don’t fucking lie to me, Harley. I can’t listen to lies. You’re back to your old ways and you’re going to fuck everything up. You had so much going for you and now you just, ugh.” Gage was pacing around the shop now, wringing his hands.

“Shut up! Stop talking to me like that!” I was crying now. “You’re not my fucking dad, Gage. Stop treating me like a child!” AJ’s words resonated in my head. That is exactly what he said to me. I couldn’t believe now here I was, saying the same thing to Gage. I walked to the back of the shop to get my hoodie.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Gage followed me, anger still seeping in his voice.

“Out for a damn cigarette. Leave me alone.” I pushed past him and let myself out the back door. I walked around the corner before I stopped and lit my cigarette. I leaned against the brick building and cried. I knew Gage would lose it when he found out that I went to the bar, so I was planning on him never finding out. Fucking AJ.

I finished my cigarette and lit another one. I slid down the wall until I was on the sidewalk and hugged my knees. The sky was cloudy and looked like it was threatening rain. I could hear thunder in the distance.

What was I doing with my life? Having drinks at a bar, no, getting completely hammered, what was I thinking? How could I put myself in that situation? Gage was right. I was fucking everything up.

“Hey.” I looked up and saw AJ.

“What do you want?” I asked, flicking the ashes of my cigarette away. I really was in no mood to deal with him. I was furious and hurting.

“I think I should apologize. I’m not exactly sure what I’m apologizing for, I think being drunk, or maybe something else, but I’m sorry.” He sat down next to me and lit a cigarette as well.

I blew out some smoke and sighed. “Don’t apologize. I need to say I’m sorry to you. I shouldn’t have talked to you like I did.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I don’t even know what happened. I think I’m a little wasted.” He stretched his legs out and crossed them at the ankles.

“I’m worried about you. That’s all I’m going to say.” I questioned why exactly I cared. I didn’t know him very well. He was an alcoholic. Why did I feel this fascination for him? I looked him over, noticing once again he was wearing a tank top under a leather jacket, and jeans. Blue shoes this time, but nice as usual. I also noticed, again, how skinny he was. He had dark circles under his eyes, too. He smiled at me.

“Like what you see, do you?” he raised his eyebrows, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

I’m pretty sure I blushed as I got up from the ground. “I got to go back in. I’m supposed to be working.” A fat raindrop spattered on my head, and I looked up at the sky for a second time. It would be nice to have a thunderstorm.

“He told me I was dead to him, Harley.” AJ said quietly, picking at his nails. I noticed for the first time that they were painted black. How odd, I thought.

“I’m sorry, what?” I wasn’t sure if I had heard him right.

“One of the guys I work with. He told me I was dead to him. That I didn’t exist anymore. He told me to get the fuck out of his life and never to speak to him again.”

I cringed hearing those words. “Woah. Why?”

“Because I just keep fucking up. It’s all I ever do. I’ve been so high and so drunk these past few weeks I don’t even remember them. The guys don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. They think I’m beyond help. They don’t believe in me anymore. And I don’t think I do either. I fucking give up.” He spat out, grounding his cigarette out on the sidewalk.

“Don’t say that. You can do it.” I said. Although everything he just said reminded me exactly of myself. I didn’t know if I could do it anymore, either.

“I just, I feel like I don’t even have a reason to anymore. Those guys…my job means everything to me. And now I don’t have it anymore. I have nothing.”

“I know what that’s like. But we can’t keep thinking like that. We can’t give up. Most days I feel like I have nothing anymore, too, but it’s not true. We have plenty. We can do this.” I looked down at him.

He stood up and brushed his pants off. “I just don’t know, Harley.”

“Listen, I got to get back to work. But let me give you my number, okay? And you can call me whenever you need to talk. Or when you feel like you need a drink, or whatever else it is you do.”

“Okay, sure.” He got out his cell phone and I recited my number. “Wait, is Gage going to get pissed? If I call?”

“It doesn’t matter what Gage thinks. I do what I want. He doesn’t own me.” AJ raised his eyebrows at me. “We’re not together, if that’s what you mean. We’re just friends.”

“That’s not what it seemed like when I was in there. What’s his problem?”

“He’s just very overprotective. He cares about me. Wants me to do well. Anyway, I’ll talk to you later, okay? And you should go to AA tonight. Make it a habit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“That’s fine. Take care of yourself, AJ.” I turned to walk around the corner and back into the shop. I knew Gage would be waiting for me, and that our conversation wasn’t over.

I gathered myself together before heading back into the back door of Eternity Tattoo. I wasn’t up for anymore fighting with Gage. On one hand I agreed with him, I was screwing things up, but at the same time I didn’t want to hear about it anymore from him. One thing about Gage is he gets so angry, sometimes he doesn’t see what the real issue is. He bypasses the fact that I am hurting and in pain, and just sees what he wants to see. It doesn’t matter that I am struggling.

I entered the back door and immediately noticed Gage was waiting for me. “There’s nothing to talk about, Gage. I have nothing to say to you about any of it.”

“You don’t get to decide that, Harley. You made the bad choices, now you have to deal with it. And if that means listening to me talk, than that’s what it means. I thought things were going well?”

“That’s your problem, Gage. You always assume things. When do you even really ask how things are going? You think because I don’t say anything about it to you, that things must just be perfect. You have no idea how things really are. You’re stuck in a fantasy land. You have no idea what things are really like for me.” I walked back to the front of the parlor.

“I’m living in a fantasy land? You are the one who is pretending like things are okay! You went to a bar, Harley. A fucking bar! With someone you met in AA! You’re acting like you don’t have a fucking problem. You’re a damn alcoholic! You were sober almost a year! You have more issues than you think you do!” He slammed his fist down on the counter. “I can’t stand here and watch you destroy yourself again, I won’t do it! You should just go, Harley. I don’t even want to look at you right now. You’re a mess, and I don’t want to be around it!”
I stood there in disbelief, not knowing what to say.

Tears started welling, but I would not cry in front of Gage again. I turned away and walked to the back where I grabbed my purse and slammed the door behind me as I left. I didn’t even bother locking it. I got to my car and fumbled with the key fob, finally hitting the unlock button. I sat in my car for a few minutes, willing myself to calm down. I wasn’t sure what all just happened. Or what I was going to do now. I guess just go home and try to figure things out.

I pulled out of the parking lot and turned left, towards home. I lived in a relatively small town, and it doesn’t take much time to get around anywhere. I stopped for a stoplight and noticed AJ on the corner. I rolled down my window.

“AJ!” I called.

He turned around at the sound of his name, stumbling a little bit. He face lit up when he saw me. “Hey, Harley! What are you doing? You’re supposed to be working!”
I motioned for him to come to the car. “You want a ride?” I asked.

“Sure, thanks!” he crossed in front of the car and climbed in the passenger seat. The light had turned green but nobody was behind me. I continued down the road. “So what are you doing?”

“Oh, I left. Gage was pissed and it’s probably better that I am not there right now anyway. Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. Not home. Don’t want to go there. What are you going to do?”

I thought for a minute. “I got somewhere we can go.” I said, making a right turn. We sat in silence as I drove, and it was nice. I was able to calm down a bit and was glad I didn’t have to answer any questions.

We pulled up to the coffee shop a few minutes later. AJ looked surprised. “A coffee shop?”

I laughed. “Yeah, let’s get you sobered up. Plus it’s kind of chilly out, it’ll be nice.” I put the car in Park and got out. AJ had trouble getting out, so I came around and opened the door for him. He grinned.

“Sorry! Sobering up is probably a good idea…” he shut the door behind him. We stepped up on the curb and crossed the sidewalk to the door to the coffee shop. He opened it for me.

“Thank you.” I said, sliding in quickly.
There were a few people in line. “How do you like your coffee?” I asked AJ.

“Uhhh, whatever tastes good?” he grinned, and I couldn’t help but grin back.

“Okay, I’ll order. Go find a place to sit.” I turned towards the counter and left him to his task.

I found AJ sitting on a couch in a corner. I brought our drinks over and set them on the black coffee table in front of it and made myself comfortable at the opposite end. The coffee shop was relatively quiet, considering the time of day. The music was somewhat loud without people’s conversations to drown it out.

AJ was looking out of the floor to ceiling window for a while before he grabbed the maroon mug I had placed in front of him. He took a sip. “This is good. Coffee supposed to help sober you up, right? I’m not usually trying to get sober these days.” He took another drink and set it back down on the coffee table. “Sometimes, I’m really happy being fucked up all the time. It’s like an escape. It gets me away from all the shit that I constantly have to deal with. All the pressure of every day. Pressure from the guys. Pressure from my family. Pressure from every day people. And pressure from myself.” I wondered why he felt so much pressure, but I didn’t ask. The fact that he was opening up a little bit made me bite my tongue. “Other times,” he continued, “I hate it. I feel like I’m wasting my life away and that scares the hell out of me.” he looked at me. “What about you, Harley? Do you like drinking? Is that all you do?”

I wasn’t prepared for a question, and I sat there for a minute before I answered. “I think I can relate to you, how you feel about it. I love the fact that it takes me away from reality. Away from all of the pain. That’s what I’m running away from – pain. I used to pop pills too, anything I could get my hands on. For some reason the idea that I was taking drugs that were prescribed, whether to me or someone else, made me feel like I wasn’t doing anything bad. I smoked pot too, but other drugs, harder drugs, scare me. I could never bring myself to do anything besides smoke a little weed, pop some pills, and drink. But that was enough for me. It numbed me out enough, it did its job. I didn’t have to think about all the shit I was going through. But I was killing myself. And I didn’t like that part of it, when I would get sober enough to realize I was doing it.” I took a drink of my coffee as well.

“Why are you in so much pain?” he asked quietly. I swallowed, trying not to cry. I wasn’t ready to go there yet. “Never mind, none of my business. Maybe one day we’ll get there, but not today. Cocaine is my drug of choice. All the time. I’ve done other shit, but nothing compares to the way coke makes me feel. Coke and alcohol. And pills, too. I’m with you there. I’ve been in rehab once, and got sober for a few days, but I went right to my old shit again. I’m terrified to go back and fail again. How do I know if I am ready? How did you know?”

“One day I woke up and said I was done. I went on a week-long bender and was so fucked up I wrecked my car one night. I knew I shouldn’t be driving but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything. I could have died. The following day I told myself I was done. That was enough to scare the shit out of me so bad I went to rehab, for the second time, and I’ve been sober ever sense. With the exception of that fucking sip I took at the bar, where I almost threw everything away.”

“I’m sorry,” AJ started, “I’m sure that was my fault. I probably should have left you alone, then maybe you wouldn’t have done it.”

“Nah, I probably would have drank the whole thing plus more if you hadn’t been there, actually.” I took another drink of my coffee. “So, you’re going to go to AA, right?”

“I guess.” He mumbled.

“Tonight, right?” I prodded.

“Yes, tonight. Are you coming?”

“Yes. I’m going regularly. You should too.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay. I will make it a habit. Only if you go too.” He looked at me. “Would you be willing to give me a ride there?”

I paused. “Um, sure, I guess I could do that. Only if you don’t stand me up.”

He laughed. “Nah, I won’t.”

“Alright. I’ll pick you up at 7:30 then.”

“Actually, could you pick me up around 7? Or even better,
do I have to go home? I don’t want to go home. Home sucks. Let’s go do something. Let’s go shopping!”

I just looked at him, wondering why he didn’t want to go home. None of my business, I thought. “Why not?”