Summary: 
The coming of age story of a Backstreet kid.
Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys
Characters: Other, Nick, Group
Genres: Drama
Warnings: Sexual Content, Sexual Assault/Rape, Domestic Violence, Death
Challenges: Series: In Front of the World
Chapters: 43
Completed: No
Word count: 78665
Read: 76073
Published: 08/29/10
Updated: 12/01/10
Story Notes:
I wrote the first few chapters of this story two years ago on a whim. Ally recently woke up in my head and told me I needed to share her story. I hate when characters take over your head.
You don't have to read, or review but I needed to put her words down on paper...so to speak.
1. Chapter 1 by Sevily
2. Chapter 2 by Sevily
3. Chapter 3 by Sevily
4. Chapter 4 by Sevily
5. Chapter 5 by Sevily
6. Chapter 6 by Sevily
7. Chapter 7 by Sevily
8. Chapter 8 by Sevily
9. Chapter 9 by Sevily
10. Chapter 10 by Sevily
11. Chapter 11 by Sevily
12. Chapter 12 by Sevily
13. Chapter 13 by Sevily
14. Chapter 14 by Sevily
15. Chapter 15 by Sevily
16. Chapter 16 by Sevily
17. Chapter 17 by Sevily
18. Chapter 18 by Sevily
19. Chapter 19 by Sevily
20. Chapter 20 by Sevily
21. Chapter 21 by Sevily
22. Chapter 22 by Sevily
23. Chapter 23 by Sevily
24. Chapter 24 by Sevily
25. Chapter 25 by Sevily
26. Chapter 26 by Sevily
27. Chapter 27 by Sevily
28. Chapter 28 by Sevily
29. Chapter 29 by Sevily
30. Chapter 30 by Sevily
31. Chapter 31 by Sevily
32. Chapter 32 by Sevily
33. Chapter 33 by Sevily
34. Chapter 34 by Sevily
35. Chapter 35 by Sevily
36. Chapter 36 by Sevily
37. Chapter 37 by Sevily
38. Chapter 38 by Sevily
39. Chapter 39 by Sevily
40. Chapter 40 by Sevily
41. Chapter 41 by Sevily
42. Chapter 42 by Sevily
43. Chapter 43 by Sevily
Chapter 1
“How was school?”
I scrunched my nose up, “it was school. Nothing special. How was LA?” I hugged him. I had missed him. “I missed you.”
I could feel him smile into my hair, “I missed you too Ally.” He handed me a bottle of water and leaned against the counter top. “LA was fine. Everyone misses you and can’t wait to see you.” I grinned. I couldn’t wait to see them either, especially Alex, my godfather. Everyone said I was his female counterpart – right down to the name.
“I can’t wait to see them either,” I took a sip and looked around the house.
“You got a lot of homework?” I shook my head. School was over in two days, for me at least. The benefits of having a pop star for a father I guess. We were leaving for Europe early Saturday morning and were spending the entire summer there. “Do whatever you do have and then we can take the boat out,” he grinned.
“Are you sure you want to do that? You must be tired.”
“Of course I do, I want to spend some time with you,” he grinned as he threw a manila folder on the counter next to me. “Pick which one you think I should use.”
I opened the folder and smiled. He was in LA for a promotional shoot for the tour. Before he left, he had been so nervous about it. It still blew his mind that the Backstreet Boys were still so popular and that he himself was still considered a heartthrob. He had turned 35 in January but still had girls falling at his feet. I held up a photo of him smiling into the camera and handed it to him, “this one is you.”
“You think?” He frowned, looking at the photo.
“Yep, totally.”
He smiled and nodded, “cool. You want something to eat?”
I sat at the kitchen table and just raised my eyebrows. He couldn’t cook to save his life. “Depends. Are you going to make it?” He burst into laughter and threw me an apple. He sat at the table across from me as he bit into his apple. He flipped through my French notebook as I worked on my Physics homework. “Trying to learn French before we leave?”
“I’ll leave that up to you,” he chuckled but didn’t put the notebook away. “Are you fluent in French?”
“Pretty much,” I said.
“Say something,” he said.
I grinned, “Mon père est un gros neuneu.”
“What’d you say?”
“My father is a big dork,” I laughed when he stuck his tongue out at me. “Are we going to be in a city long enough to sight-see?” I asked. I had always wanted to see Paris but I’d take any city really. I had been to Europe plenty of times before but never long enough to explore anything.
“Not this time,” he sighed.
“Okay,” I tried not to be disappointed. I knew what touring was like. I did it every summer with them. I was proud of him when it came to his career. Without my mother in the picture at all, he had to work extra hard to find a balance between his job and me. During the school year, he made sure he was never out of town for more than a week and during the summers we traveled constantly. I knew how much he had sacrificed for me; I’d do anything to make it up to him.
“Come and get me when you’re done,” he stood up and walked out of the room. I felt guilty all of a sudden. It wasn’t his fault we never got to explore the cities we traveled to. It was his job and I understood; I felt like it was my job in a way too. I closed my textbook and sighed.
He was only 18 when I was born. We never really talked about my mother but he had told me before that she was older than him and when I was six months old, had left a note on his pillow telling him she couldn’t do it anymore. Neither of us has seen her since. I tried not to hate her, or be attached to her. My Dad was my best friend, and he always had been. My social life was almost nonexistent because of the fact that he was my father. I used to get angry with him for it but I knew it wasn’t his fault. Now I didn’t care if I had many friends, just as long as I had him.
Friends.
I was going to miss my best friend Chelsea. She was the only one who stuck around long enough to get to know me, Ally, not Alexandra Carter – Nick Carter’s daughter. He had never let me before but this summer, he agreed to bring her out for at least a week. I was afraid to tell him about Brandon. We had never discussed boyfriends because I had never had any, but I didn’t know how he was going to react. Thank God we had already had the sex talk. I remember I ran screaming from the room when I accidentally walked in on him and some woman. I refused to even look at him for nearly a week before he and Alex sat me down. I still get embarrassed just thinking about it. I swear he walked around with a permanent blush on his cheeks for weeks.
I found him in his office, typing on his laptop, “hi.”
“Hey,” he grinned. “That was quick.”
“Yeah, just had Physics.”
“Go get your suit on and meet me at the dock,” he said. “I just need to finish this up.”
“Okay,” I grinned. I quickly changed and ran out to the boat. “Nick, can you grab me some water?” I called as he walked out of the house. I could see him frown at me but he walked back inside.
“Would it kill you to call me Dad once in a while?”
I laughed, “Yes.” Truth was I had never called him Dad. We were constantly surrounded by people calling him Nick or Carter when I was growing up, so I started doing it too.
“Are you going to let me drive?”
“In your dreams kid,” he scoffed as he pulled away from the dock.
I stepped up to him and pouted, “Please?” He glared down at me but stepped aside, letting me slide in front of him. I took the wheel. I felt so free whenever he let me, which wasn’t often.
“Stop here,” he called and I slowed it down. He pulled the anchor down and I stepped to the back of the boat, when he lifted me over his shoulder.
“Hey! Put me down!” I screeched as he started laughing.
“No way Al,” he gripped me tighter as I started to squirm, “Better take a breath.” I didn’t even get the chance before I was under the water. I sputtered as I surfaced and glared at him as he leaned over the boat, grinning widely at me.
“You’re dead,” I growled as I climbed back onto the boat and started chasing after him. I cornered him and started hitting him.
“Ow! That hurts,” he laughed, trying to grab my hands.
“Say you’re sorry!”
“Never,” he grinned, grabbing my hands. I threw myself at him, giving him a giant wet hug. “Thanks Ally,” he said sarcastically, but hugging me back anyways. Bad move. He lifted me up over his shoulder again and brought me to the back of the boat.
“Not again,” I growled. “No, please!”
“Hold your breath!” He said as he jumped into the water.
“I hate you,” I narrowed my eyes at him and swam back to the boat.
“You do not,” he laughed, grabbing my leg and pulling me back to him. I dunked him under water and laughed as he came back up sputtering. We splashed around in the water for a good hour and both climbed back to the boat, breathless. “You’re getting stronger,” He laughed as he handed me a towel. I wrapped myself in it and smiled at him.
“No, you’re just getting old,” I teased him.
“I am not,” he gawked as he opened the basket of food. “You’re going to pay for that comment kid.”
“Not a kid,” I glared at him.
He just grinned, “You’ll always be just a kid to me Ally.” I rolled my eyes.
Chapter 2
“Hey!” I called immediately as I walked into the house.
“Kitchen,” I heard him answer and ran into it.
“Hi Brent,” I grinned as I saw him and Nick sitting at the table.
“Hey Ally, how was school?”
I was excited about being free for the summer. “I’m free!”
“You gonna stick around tonight?”
“Nope! I’m going out tonight to celebrate!” Every summer before we left, Nick had friends over to drink and play poker and say goodbye and I made sure to stay away all night.
“With Chels?” I opened the fridge and took out an apple.
“Brandon,” I said.
He paused. “Come again?”
“Brandon,” I chopped the apple into slices and looked up when I swear I could feel him watching me. Turns out they both were, with suspicious eyes no less. “We’re just going to the movies.”
“Is he a boyfriend,” he asked and I bit my lip.
“Maybe,” I said softly. Nick froze and Brent chuckled.
“Is it serious?”
“Define serious.”
“Has he kissed you?”
“What,” I so wasn’t going to answer that. “Whatever.”
“Is he picking you up?”
I narrowed my eyes, “why?”
“I want to meet him,” he said casually but I knew better.
“No way!” There was no way they were going to meet, especially tonight. He would be drinking and I know his loose tongue when he drinks. He raised his eyebrows at me suspiciously but didn’t say anything. “All of your friends will be here and stuff.”
“I want you home by ten.”
“Nick,” I said.
“That’s not my name,” he said.
“It’s not?”
“Not for you,” he glared at me. “I want you home by ten.”
My jaw clenched, “but it’s Friday!”
“We have an early flight tomorrow,” he reasoned.
I glared at him, “Who cares? You’re having people over.”
“Ten,” he repeated.
“Twelve,” I crossed my arms, hoping that it would help my case.
“You want to argue? You don’t have to leave the house at all,” he crossed his arms, and I have to admit, it worked better for him. I looked over at Brent but before I could say anything he interrupted, “don’t look at him; he’s not going to help you.”
“Fine, fucking ten,” I snapped as I stomped out of the room.
“Alexandra,” he called and I stopped.
“What,” I didn’t dare turn around because I knew the look he was giving me. I sighed and slumped my shoulders in defeat, “Fine, sorry.” I quickly walked out of the room and then ran up to my bedroom.
I slammed the car door and opened the gate as I heard Brandon drive away. As soon as I couldn’t hear the car anymore, I felt the tears slip from my eyes. I navigated my way through the sea of cars that were in the driveway and sat on the front steps so I could calm down before I went inside. I went into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water, and stopped when I heard someone calling my name. I looked out back on the porch, and saw them all. I saw Nick immediately shrug the woman that was hanging all over him off. I rolled my eyes and turned away. I was not in the mood to see another whore throw herself at my father. “Come sit out here with us,” I heard Brent say followed by a chorus of agreements.
“No thanks,” I said, walking back into the kitchen.
“You’re home early,” Brent said as he opened the fridge and got out another beer. I heard Nick call and ask him to get him another too. He stopped and looked at me, “you okay?”
“Fine,” I mumbled. “Tell Nick I went for a walk.”
I went upstairs to change and literally ran into Nick as I walked out of my bedroom. “You okay?”
“Fine,” I said, trying to move around him. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, especially him.
“No you’re not.”
“Yes, I am,” I said slowly. “I’m going for a walk.” I closed my eyes when he put his hands on my shoulders to stop me. “What,” I snapped.
“Did he hurt you?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I glared at him. I turned back around and walked into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. Did he hurt me? I was grateful when he didn’t follow me into my room like I thought he was going to. Did he hurt me? No Nick, he just told me I wasn’t worth having a long distance relationship with since I was gone for the summer. I wasn’t worth it.
It opened an old wound.
It reminded me of my mother. I wasn’t worth it to her, why would I think I was worth it to someone else. I took a deep breath; I needed to get over it. I heard a knock on the door and rolled my eyes when it opened. I felt the bed dip and a hand run over my hair. When I was growing up, we had a nightly routine. Nick would sing to me and smooth my hair until I fell asleep. It was something that never failed to relax me, even today. He didn’t say anything, and I knew what that meant. It meant I could not talk either and we would just sit with each other, which we did often if one of us hated the world. Each other’s company was all we needed. “He said I wasn’t worth it,” I mumbled, the silence killing me even though it was comforting.
His hand stopped and tensed, “he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Well he’s right,” I mumbled into my pillow. “I’m not.”
“Stop,” it sounded like he was rolling his eyes.
“Well it’s true,” I snapped. “You’re still here because she abandoned me first.” I closed my eyes and flexed my jaw as soon as the words were out of my mouth.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
His whole body tensed and he stood up, walking away from the bed. I flinched when the door slammed behind him. I was in so much trouble.
Chapter 3
“Get off the phone,” he said evenly as we sat in the VIP lounge at the airport. He plucked the Blackberry from my hand, turning it off and putting it in his backpack. I bit my lip and looked down at my hands. He hadn’t talked to me all morning unless it was telling me to do something. He didn’t come back after he slammed the door last night either. I knew that it was more than anger; it was hurt that kept him from talking to me.
It killed me.
“I want all of your exams done before the plane lands,” He said, taking out his iPod and slipping his headphones over his ears. I tore a page out of my notebook and scribbled before I looked over at him.
Je suis désolé de vous blesser. Pardonnez-moi. His eyes were closed. I folded the paper, slipped it into his backpack, and then tried to focus on my exams. Every year I was able to mail my exams in because I always took the last week of school off. The school let me of course because Nick always made a sizable donation to the school, mostly to fund the performing arts program there. I looked over at him once more and then went back to my exams.
I watched as he slammed the door behind him as he walked into one of the bedrooms in the suite. I felt like crying. He wouldn’t even give me a chance to apologize and I knew he hadn’t seen the note because as soon as the plane took off, he fell asleep. I ignored the knock at the door as I walked into the bedroom. I quickly shut my door as Nick came out of his and opened it. “Where is she?” I heard. I grinned. Alex was here. “Hi baby,” He grinned as he opened my door.
“Hi Alex,” I smiled as I leaned over and hugged him.
“How are you?” I shrugged and he laughed, “that bad huh?” I knew Nick had told him.
“Make him talk to me again,” I whined, tears suddenly escaping my eyes.
“He will honey, just give him some time,” he said softly. “He doesn’t know what to say to you.”
“I hurt him,” I whispered. “I don’t know what to do to make it better.” I pressed my hands to my eyes, willing myself not to cry.
“I know honey,” He hugged me tighter. “But I love you.”
“I love you too,” I mumbled into his shirt and he laughed.
“You look exhausted, why don’t you clean yourself up, we’re all going out to dinner,” He smiled and walked out.
I took a deep breath as I met them in the hallway. “Brian!” He grabbed me in a hug and I squeezed him.
“I can’t believe how grown up you look,” he held me at arm’s length and looked at Nick.
“How do you keep the boys away from her?”
“What boys,” I muttered. I blushed when he laughed.
“I bet you have a ton of secret boyfriends your Dad knows nothing about.”
Nick glared at me and I wanted to cower, “You better not.”
“Trust me, I don’t,” I glared back. “Are Baylee and Leighanne coming?”
“No, Bay has basketball all summer so Leigh is staying with him,” he said. I frowned and looked at Alex.
“Nina couldn’t get off work,” he said. I frowned again. I hope that I wasn’t going to be the only girl on this tour.
“Leigh isn’t coming out either,” said Nick. Damn it.
This was going to be a long summer.
I grinned as I watched them all exit the stage. My favorite part of the concert was when they performed solo. Right now, it didn’t matter that Nick still wasn’t talking to me. It didn’t matter that I was going to be the only girl on this tour. What mattered was that the four men I called my family were happy. I tried to ignore Mike as he came and sat next to me. I wanted to watch Alex sing his heart out. “What,” I asked.
“My boss asked me to give you this,” he said as he handed me a slip of paper. I rolled my eyes; his boss was my father. I opened the note and grinned when I saw Nick’s chicken scratch and his attempt at French.
Mike vous ramènera à l'hôtel, me rencontrer à l'extérieur et nous allons parler.
Our fight was over. Thank God.
I looked at my surroundings. Paris at night seemed unreal. The streets were alive and the sky was alit with sparkles. The black van pulled up in front of the hotel and Nick stepped out, making his way over to Mike and me. “Stay back a little,” he said to him. Mike nodded and waited for us to continue. “You hungry?”
“A little,” I said softly. I was nervous now that he was here. I just wanted him to forgive me. I didn’t want to have to explain my actions to him. He led me into a bistro and the host quickly sat us at a booth in the corner.
“What do you want?” I knew he had no idea what the menu said. He didn’t speak French.
“Want to split some French fries?” He asked. I nodded. “Get me a glass of water,” he said.
The waiter approached and I ordered our meal for Nick. When the waiter walked away I laughed at the expression on Nick’s face as he watched us converse.
“Are you laughing at me?”
“Yes,” I smiled, running my finger along the patterns on the tabletop. He never liked to prolong a situation so I knew he was going to start talking soon. “But it’s only because you’re a geek.”
He leaned forward a little, taking a sip of his water when the waiter set it down in front of him. “So I have a proposition for you,” he said.
I frowned, “okay?”
“We have a day off tomorrow, it’s supposed to be a travel day, but if you want to stay in Paris and explore the city we can fly down to Cannes the day after.” My eyes widened. I can’t believe that he would do this for me. “On one condition,” he said, reminding me of the terms.
“Okay,” I said eagerly. I’d do anything.
“We take tonight to sort out any crap that there is between us,” he said. “I don’t want to be mad at you anymore, and I don’t want you to keep waiting for me to snap.” I swallowed and nodded. I knew he was, but it still hurt to hear that he was angry with me. I hated disappointing him.
“Okay,” I said softly as the waiter placed the plate of fries between us. I thanked him and asked for another lemonade; it gave me something to do.
“This is so great that you’re fluent.”
“How come?”
“Because when I was your age I just didn’t even think about doing stuff like this. I was too focused on other things,” he said.
“Like her,” I said softly. He hesitated and then nodded, taking a handful of fries. “I’m sorry,” I said softly as I rested my head in my hand. “I should’ve never said it.”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” he agreed. “But you did, and now we’re going to talk about why you did.” I nodded solemnly. I was hoping it wouldn’t be in the bistro because I knew I was bound to cry. “But first I want you to tell me about Brandon.”
I rolled my eyes, “he’s a jerk.”
“I know that,” he agreed.
“It’s not like we were serious.”
“You’re 17, you better not be serious with anyone,” he said. I could easily call him on that but I knew what he was really referring to. He didn’t want me making the same mistake that he did. I was well aware.
I sighed, I knew he wouldn’t relent. “He’s a year older than me, and he’s on the football team. He’s friends with Chelsea’s brother.” I frowned, “just said that I wasn’t worth having a long distance relationship with, especially since I was spending the summer in Europe.”
“How long had you been seeing him?”
I shrugged, “a few weeks.”
He frowned and I sighed. “And you just told me about him now?” I shrugged. “Ally, you never wait to tell me stuff.”
“I’ve never had a boyfriend before,” I said. “I didn’t want you to freak out on me.”
He chuckled and I blushed, “good point. Thank God you told me when Brent was in the room, I would’ve freaked out. Are you finished?” He motioned to the plate that I hadn’t touched in a while and I nodded. He paid the bill and led me out of the bistro, smiling and nodding at Mike as we spotted him on the bench across the street. “Want to go for a walk?” I nodded as he led me down a side street.
“I really am sorry,” I grabbed his arm to stop him. It was killing me. I needed him to understand. “I don’t know why I said it.”
He stopped and leaned down to my level, “why do you think you did?”
I felt the tears prick my eyes, “He just hit a nerve.”
“Do you feel like there’s something missing Ally? Because if you do, whatever it is, I’ll fix it for you.” The tears started after that. I knew that if I said yes, he would do anything to make sure that it was fixed.
“No,” my voice broke. “It’s perfect, I just-” I was pathetic. “I don’t know why I said it. I’m sorry!” It all came in a rush, “He said it and it just reminded me of her, that she didn’t think I was worth it so why would anyone else. I’m sorry.”
He took the sleeve of his shirt and wiped my eyes, “Ally it’s okay. Don’t cry.” I just shook my head. I felt like I couldn’t stop and now people were starting to look at us.
“I’m trying,” I whispered as I saw Mike step closer to us. “Sorry.”
“Shh,” He whispered as he pulled me into a hug. “Take a deep breath.” I did and I was grateful it worked.
“Sorry,” I whispered as I finally calmed down.
I bit my lip nervously as he laughed, “stop apologizing.” He rubbed my back and smiled slightly, “you good now?” I blushed and nodded. We continued walking down the path and he took a deep breath, “I’m trying Ally…to be both parents. Trying to prove how worth it you are to me. I know it’s not the same and there are some things that I obviously can’t give you, but I hope that I did a good enough job-”
“Don’t,” I interrupted him. I was horrified to hear this. “You were everything I ever needed. I’m so sorry I made you think you weren’t.” He didn’t say anything, just wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we continued walking. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
He closed his eyes briefly and swallowed before looking down at me, “me either.”
End Notes:
Je suis désolé de vous blesser. Pardonnez-moi. - I am sorry to hurt you. Forgive me.
Mike vous ramènera à l'hôtel, me rencontrer à l'extérieur et nous allons parler - Mike takes you back to the hotel, meet me outside and we'll talk.
Chapter 4
Paris was amazing. He let me drag him all over the city. We started at the Louvre and made our way over to the Luxembourg Gardens. We strolled through the street markets and listened to street performers. We went to Notre Dame and ended at the Eiffel Tower.
It was perfect in a word.
I didn’t even care that we were descending into Cannes. Nick did however. We both hated flying, especially the landing part. He squeezed my hand and grinned at me. “We’re something else huh?”
“I blame it all on you,” I grinned and he just squeezed my hand again as the plane skidded on the runway.
“Woo, it’s over.”
“Baby,” I teased him.
“Hush,” he winked at me as the plane taxied to our gate.
“We’ve got company,” said Mike as we walked towards the exit. Nick stopped and grabbed the back of my shirt. The exits were lined with paparazzi.
“Is that for you?” I asked, looking up at him. I’d never had to deal with paparazzi before, at least not this many.
He didn’t answer, just shrugged and I frowned, looking at them again. The flashes were already starting. He took the baseball cap that was on his head off, and put it on me. “Here’s what you need to do,” he said, fixing the cap for me. “Keep your eyes on the ground, and don’t talk to any of them, okay?” I nodded. “Make a beeline for the van and stay with me.” He looked over at Mike, “me or you in front? Ally stays between us.” I bit my lip as I looked out the windows again. Now that Nick didn’t have his cap on people were starting to stare. I didn’t need the cap as much as he did. No one cared what I looked like. I took it off but froze when he snapped at me, “Keep it on.”
“Both of you keep your heads down,” said Mike as we walked out the doors. Nick was in front and I was sandwiched between the two of them. As soon as the doors opened, it became so loud and the flashes were blinding. I took a deep breath.
Nick opened the van door and someone grabbed my shirtsleeve, tugging at me. The next thing I knew flashbulbs were right in my eyes as he started asking who I was in French. His hand was digging into my arm. “Ow! Dad!”
“Hey!” Mike yelled.
“Don’t you touch her,” Nick snapped, grabbing me and pulling me into the van with him. “Are you okay?” I nodded, rubbing my arm. The doors to the van closed and we were driving away.
“I think I’m blind,” I mumbled, seeing bright spots from the camera that was in my face. Nick picked up my arm and examined where the man had grabbed me. “It’s fine.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Next time we’ll do it differently. They caught me off guard.”
“It’s okay,” I said.
He grinned suddenly, “You called me Dad.”
“Nicky,” said Alex as we walked into the green room. He winked at me and I grinned. Nick hated the nickname.
“What,” he rolled his eyes as he kept his attention on his Blackberry.
“Can I steal your daughter after the show?” He winked again. “That is of course if she doesn’t have a curfew.”
Nick looked over at me, “you want to spend the evening with the bastard? I don’t blame you if you don’t.”
I laughed, “I want to.”
“She’s all yours,” he said to Alex. I grinned at him. “You know the rules.”
“Yep, no matter how much she begs, we won’t go to the strip club that’s right around the corner from our hotel.” I buried my head in my hands as I heard Nick growl at him.
“You do and you’re a dead man.”
“Chill dude, she’s safe with me, you know that,” he patted my head and I blushed even more.
“Don’t make me question it,” he glared at him.
“Ally, how do you live with such a tight ass? No wonder you don’t have any boyfriends,” Alex said as he walked out of the room.
“Alex,” Nick glared at him as Alex grinned and laughed.
“He’s just joking,” I said, my cheeks still flushed.
“Better be,” I heard him mumble and I had to laugh. I heard he used to have a sense of humor before I was born. “What are you laughing at?”
“You,” I giggled.
He raised his eyebrows, “oh yeah? You think I’m funny?” Next thing I knew he was tickling me. I was so damn ticklish, I hated it. I burst into laughter again as I tried squirming away from him. “Say uncle,” He laughed, not relenting.
“Please,” I laughed. “Please,” the more I squirmed the more he tickled. “Uncle! Uncle!”
“You rang baby?” Alex grinned as he stuck his head into the room again.
“Make him stop,” I squealed as he wouldn’t stop. “Stop!” Nick grinned victoriously and sat on the couch. I pounced on him, grabbing him in a headlock.
“Hey!” He called as Alex burst into laughter.
“She’s not so tiny anymore dude, she can keep up with you.”
“Say you’re sorry,” I said as I tightened my hold.
“Never,” he laughed as he grabbed me and somehow threw me over his shoulder as he stood up.
“No fair,” I said as I dropped my hands as he carried me out of the room. “Where are you taking me?”
“I’m going to tie you to the rafters.”
“No you’re not,” I squirmed and he dropped me and started chasing me. I ran behind Alex and used him as my shield while he laughed. “You’ll have to get through him first!”
“Oh please Ally, you’ll have to try a little harder than that,” he easily shoved Alex out of the way and grabbed me again.
“Dude, that hurt,” Alex said, rubbing his arm. “Kick his ass Ally.” I rolled my eyes; I couldn’t even if I tried.
“Hey kids,” said Mike interrupting just as Nick grabbed me again. “Sorry to interrupt but the fans are waiting for the sound check.”
Nick narrowed his eyes at me and grinned, “I demand a rematch kid.”
“Not a kid Carter,” I glared back. He chuckled and kissed the top of my head before walking out onstage.
“Ready honey?” Alex asked as I stepped into the hall.
“Yep,” I grinned. “Where are we going?”
“Saks is letting us shop after hours,” he grinned widely. His addiction to shopping was one of my favorite things about him.
“You two loose in Saks? That can’t be good,” laughed Nick as he took out his wallet. He went to hand me a couple of bills but Alex pushed his hand away.
“Uh, uh, it’s all on me tonight.”
I frowned, “no way,” I turned to Nick “I don’t need anything anyways.”
“You never need anything Ally, but you always want something. I missed your birthday; I’m going to make it up to you.”
“You spoil her way too much,” said Nick and I chuckled when Alex stuck his tongue at him.
“Coming from the one who spoils her the most,” he said. Nick grinned.
“I’m not spoiled,” I argued. I wasn’t really. Sure, I had a lot of stuff but if I wanted something specifically, Nick made me work for it.
“Just take some money,” said Nick, “just in case.” I went to grab it again but Alex just shook his head. “Fine, fine,” he held his hands up in defeat. “Call me if you need anything.”
He looked over at Nick said, “No interrupting us, I need my Ally time. You have the suite to yourself, why don’t you go find a woman or something.” My face turned beet red.
“Shut up,” Nick blushed. He could barely look at me as he said, “have fun.”
“You didn’t have to say that,” I glared at him as we entered the elevator.
Alex laughed, “I like pushing his buttons.”
“You’re so embarrassing sometimes.”
“But you love me,” he laughed.
“If you loved me you’d move back to Florida,” I teased him. After my mother had left Nick and me, Alex had come to live with us to help Nick. He then got a place nearby but I remember him constantly being around. When he married Nina they had moved out to Los Angeles and ever since I’ve been trying to get him to move back home.
He grew serious, “I think I am.”
“That’s great!”
He looked at me, “Nina and I are getting a divorce.”
“…what?” I hugged him.
“We haven’t been happy,” he shrugged. “No one else knows okay Ally?” I nodded; I was great at keeping secrets from everyone but Nick. “Now, I want to go shopping with my favorite goddaughter and spend the night catching up because I missed her,” He grinned as he led me into Saks.
I think I could handle that.
Chapter 5
Alex loved to shop when he was depressed. Hell, he loved to shop when he was happy too, but he shopped more when he was depressed. And for some reason, he loved to shop for women's clothing. Not for himself of course, but he dragged me into the junior’s department and had a field day. He shoved dress after dress at me, shirts, pants and even bathing suits (which I would never wear). I swore up and down that I didn’t need any of this, that the clothes I brought with me would suffice, but he swore up and down that I was wrong, and in fact, my life would improve exponentially when I brought this stuff back with me. I joked that I’d need to buy a new suitcase to fit all this stuff…so he did. Of course he bought stuff for himself too, clothes, hats, shoes and even makeup. I thought it was overboard, but he had fun, and there was a smile on his face. So I kept quiet.
“You’re awfully quiet today,” Nick sat down next to me at the table.
I shrugged. I was. I was thinking about Alex and Nina. I didn’t want them to get divorced; I loved them both. “Yeah, I guess I have.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“I can’t. I promised I wouldn’t tell.”
“Want me to get you anything then?”
I smiled sadly, “want to get me some popcorn?”
I watched as he looked through the tiny cupboards that the bus had. “Sorry Al, it looks like we’re fresh out.” I dropped my head to the table; one more thing to be sad about. “We have ice cream though. Ice cream usually makes everything better.”
I smiled on his behalf; he was really trying. “I don’t think anything will make me feel better.”
“Not even me?” I looked up at him and frowned. He really did look concerned. “C’mon, what are you hiding?”
I debated for a long moment. Alex trusted me with this secret, but I wanted to tell someone. I wanted Nick to know why I was sad and I wanted to talk to him about it. “Promise you won’t tell?”
“Ooh, is it juicy gossip?” He grinned and sat down next to me again. I wiped the stray tear quickly before Nick would see it but he was fast. “Hey, c’mon Ally, it can’t be that bad right?”
“Alex and Nina are getting divorced…”
He looked thoughtful, and after a long moment, he sighed. “I had a feeling this was going to happen.”
“You did?” He nodded. “How?”
“He hasn’t been happy,” he said, “they both haven’t. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other, but sometimes the love changes.”
“I’m not a baby Nick; you don’t have to explain that shit to me. I get it.” He hated when I swore.
“Don’t swear.”
“Why? You do. I just lead by example.”
“Hey, I think I’ve been a very good influence thank you.”
I ignored him. “I just want everyone to be happy.”
“I know you do Ally, that’s what makes you so great. But life would kind of suck if we were happy all the time, believe me.”
“Liar, life would rock.”
He laughed, “I don’t think so. You know, when you were younger, you threw temper tantrums like you wouldn’t believe. Neither of us were happy then, you were such a little shit-”
“I was not!”
He laughed again, “oh yes you were Ally. But I let you cry it out and afterwards we talked, and you started to realize that talking is better than screaming, so whenever you were angry or sad, we talked, and that’s why we’re here right now, talking…and we’re both happier this way.”
I hated that he was right. I remember those tantrums; sometimes I threw them just because I knew how much he hated them. But it was true, I wouldn’t be able to talk about every little thing if he hadn’t of taught me that talking was better than screaming, or holding it all in. I slumped down in my chair, “I need to do something to cheer him up.”
“What did you have in mind?”
I had no idea, but I wanted to do something. He did so much for me; I’d be stupid not to do something in return, especially when he really needed it. “I could draw him something,” I smiled. I got my love of drawing from Nick. He never knew that I could draw until he found most of his sketchbooks missing. I remember he was scouring the house for them and I was too afraid to tell him that I took them. It was after he completely tore apart his office that I guiltily handed them back to him, all the pages full. He sat on the floor and quietly looked at each picture. The next day I swear he had bought out the entire art store, with enough sketchbooks, pencils, paints, and charcoal to last both of us a lifetime.
“I think he’d like that, what kind of picture?”
I shrugged, I would have to think about it.
I found an even better way to cheer my Uncle up. I quietly walked around the dressing room when Nick walked in. “What are you doing?”
I looked up guiltily, “Um…making my Uncle feel better?”
“By…”
“By taking out the crème of his Oreos and putting toothpaste in the middle instead?”
Nick laughed, “I taught you well Ally. You better hurry, he’s coming.” I finished quickly and stashed the toothpaste back in the bag as soon as they all walked through the door.
Howie walked over to the sink, still in his conversation with Brian and started washing his hands. Only Nick noticed that the soap coming out of the dispenser was bright blue. His wide eyes fell on me and I grinned sheepishly. He had taught me well. “Uh, Howie…” Brian pointed at his hands and I couldn’t help it; I giggled.
“What the hell?” Even towel drying them wouldn’t make the blue go away. He glared at Nick, “what the hell did you do?” I laughed out loud this time.
“It wasn’t me!” He defended himself. I glanced at Alex, who had his head in his hands and was shaking with silent laughter.
“You can join Blue Man Group now,” he got out between bouts of laughter, “Nick that was awesome!”
“I said it wasn’t me! I’m not the only Carter in here!”
All eyes turned on me and I blushed but continued to laugh. “I’m sorry Howie. But we’re already two weeks into the tour and a prank hasn’t been pulled yet. I knew you’d take one for the team.” Howie shook his head and laughed with all of us. “It’s just food coloring.”
I saw Nick grin when Alex took out his Oreo cookies. He popped one whole in his mouth and I burst into laughter at the disgusted look on his face. “What the hell happened to my crème?” He spit out the cookie, “and what the fuck is in this?”
“Toothpaste,” Nick laughed, wrapping his arm around me, “I taught my little one well didn’t I fellas?”
Just wait until Nick got changed. I cut out his deodorant stick and replaced it with a cube of cream cheese.
Chapter 6
Nick woke up in a bad mood. I could tell because when he got angry, he got quiet. The only time I ever saw him lose his temper was when my aunt BJ was staying with me one week while he went to LA for some recordings. I was thirteen and BJ had been late from picking me up from basketball practice. When she did show up, she was drunk, but I got in the car anyways because I was thirteen, and when she told me she was okay, well…I believed her. But then she got pulled over and got arrested and Nick got a phone call from the police station. He flew home immediately and I’ve never seen him so angry.
After he bailed out my aunt, he drove her straight to the airport without so much as a goodbye. When the front door closed he started yelling at Alex, who flew back with him. I started crying when he threw my plate of food and it broke into pieces against our refrigerator. I was cowered in a corner and it took him a good hour before he convinced me that he wasn’t mad at me, but at my aunt. From then on, he learned to control his temper, but getting quiet, like he was now, was still frightening.
“Are you okay?”
“Fine, do you have any books you need to read this summer?”
“Yes, but I already finished it.” He nodded and continued to stare at the magazine. I don’t think he was reading it. “Want to get some food?”
“Not hungry.” I turned around to leave but stopped when he said, “what the
fuck are you wearing Alexandra?”
I looked down at the dress I was wearing. It was one that Alex had bought me on that infamous night in Saks. It was a little short but it was actually really cute. “Alex bought it for me.”
I tried not to be really embarrassed as he dragged me though the venue and to the green room. I knew it was just the emotion talking and he wasn’t mad at
me. He just wanted a reason to be mad. “Alex, what the fuck is she wearing?”
I knew my whole body flushed bright red as they all glanced up at me. Alex grinned, “Nice dress Al. It looks great on you.”
“This is not a dress. It’s…a long shirt at best. Why are you buying my daughter clothes that even strippers wouldn’t wear?”
“Oh God,” I was completely mortified. “I’m going to go change.” But Nick just held my arm, waiting for Alex to answer.
“Please, you’ve been around strippers, you know they wear much less than that.”
I begged and pleaded for the powers that be to swallow me whole. I couldn’t believe they were having this conversation in front of me. “Who cares,” I groaned, “it’s just a fucking dress; don’t throw a hissy fit because of it.” I didn’t have to look at his face to know that it was the completely wrong thing to say.
“Don’t use that tone of voice with me,” he snapped.
“Then don’t treat me like a fucking child. I’m old enough to know what I should and shouldn’t wear. And if you really want to know, there’s a whole fucking suitcase full of clothes like these that I like and I will wear and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“You won’t be wearing them if I burn the fucking thing.”
“What the hell crawled up your ass?” His eyes just narrowed at me. I was crossing so many lines cussing at him like this. “Did you wake up deciding that you were going to pissy at me today?”
“Go change out of that joke of a dress and wait for me on the bus,” he glared and I relented completely. I hated when he did that. I stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind me, hoping it would have a dramatic effect.
When he came back on the bus I was dressed from head to toe in sweats. He rolled his eyes when he saw me, and I suddenly felt stupid. I had no idea why, but he was mad at me. “Why are you so mad at me? What did I do?”
"First off, apologize for mouthing off and cussing like a sailor. You're better than that."
I just stared at him, "rebellion is one of my quirky charms that you love about me." He wasn't buying it, "Fine, sorry."
“You didn’t do anything,” he sat across from me.
“Then why are you taking it out on me? The dress wasn’t that bad and you know it. You just wanted to find something to take your anger out on and I was the closest target.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Stop the presses! Nick Carter just said that I was right! “Did you just admit that you were wrong?”
He grinned slightly but it didn’t reach his eyes, “no. I just admitted that you were right. There’s a difference.”
“And what would that be?”
“I’m never wrong, but I can’t always be right.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Just accept the apology okay? I won’t take it out on you again.”
“I’ll forgive you only if you tell me what’s wrong.”
He looked contemplative, “Your aunt BJ called me this morning,” he sighed, “there’s some trouble back home.”
“What kind of trouble?”
He shrugged, “she just needed some advice, and a place to stay for a little while.” My aunt BJ has a sordid past; one Nick refused to talk about with me. I just knew that she had a hard time staying out of trouble but whenever she called him; he had never hesitated to help her out.
“You think you should let her back into your lives?” That was the statement that made me realize that they were talking about my mother. I had gone to get a soda from the vending machine to find our hotel door open and Nick asking for Alex’s advice. She had tried to contact Nick.
“Fuck no,” Nick snapped. “Everything that
ever happened with her was a fucking mistake.” What? I gasped and they both looked up in surprise. Did he just say I was a mistake? “Ally wait-” But I didn’t hear anymore. I ran down the stairs and out into the city, the tears blurring my vision as I tried to get as far away from them as possible. Why would he say that? I stopped running and bit back a sob. He thought I was a mistake. I looked down at my phone as it started to ring and pressed ignore when I saw it was Nick calling.
I needed to forget.
I wandered around the city for what seemed like hours. Nick and Alex kept calling and I swear someone was following me. I turned around and saw a man who looked to be a little older than I was but that was it. Why would he be following me?
Everything that ever happened with her was a fucking mistake.
His words rang through my head again and I narrowed my eyes at the street in front of me. I hated him. I didn’t need him. I’d be 18 soon and I could get away from him forever. I just had to endure one more year. I could do it; I was strong. “Excuse me,” I heard. I turned around and the man was closer, much closer. “Do you have the time? I mean, if you speak English,” he smiled sheepishly.
“Uh, um, it’s about 10:30,” I muttered.
“You do speak English,” he smiled.
“I do.”
“So I take it you don’t live around here,” he grinned.
“No, I’m just here for a few days.”
“Me too, and I’ve been wandering around the city aimlessly because I don’t speak German.”
“I don’t either,” I sighed.
“As much as I don’t know the city, I do know that there is a bar around the corner that serves great beer,” he winked. “We’ll be the only two non-speaking German people there,” he offered.
Was he serious? “Uh, sure,” I said. I bet that would piss Nick off.
He stuck out his hand, “I’m Dan.”
“Ally,” I smiled.
“Well then, follow me Ally,” he smiled and I followed him. True to his word, there was a bar around the corner. The only problem was that I couldn’t drink. But he didn’t need to know that. I was floored when we were able to walk right into the bar. “What do you want?” I had no clue, the only alcohol I’d ever had was sips out of Nick’s beer, and I hated it. I was never that rebellious child who broke into the liquor cabinet when Daddy was away.
“Uh, whatever you’re having,” I said quickly. My eyes widened as Dan ordered and the bartender didn’t even think twice. “Go find us a seat,” he grinned. I nodded and he followed me to a table near the front of the bar.
This could be a good way to forget how much I hated Nick.
I definitely loved the effect the alcohol had on me. I felt happy and free and once Dan started talking, he didn’t stop. I forgot all about Nick and what he had said. I looked at my phone, and saw how many messages and missed calls I had from him and Alex. I rolled my eyes and looked at the time. My eyes bugged, it was almost 1am. “I think I need to go,” I mumbled.
“Let me walk you back to your hotel,” he said. I nodded. I hope Nick saw him with me. I hope he got angry. I didn’t care one bit.
I was so lost in my thoughts that it didn’t register what he was doing. I was pushed up against a wall and his lips were on me. “Hey,” I said startled, “stop.” The alcohol seemed to wear off immediately as I realized what was happening. My phone broke the silence and I knew it was Nick calling again. “Stop,” I said with more conviction. I pushed him away and realized I had no clue where we were. We were on a deserted side street and I started to run but he caught up quickly. “Stop,” I tried pushing him away again but he pushed me up against the wall and started ripping at my clothes.
I started screaming.
Chapter 7
His hand clamped over my mouth and I bit him. I fell to the ground after the first punch and he quickly tried to undo my jeans. I tried to defend myself, screaming for help again as he attacked me but he was so much stronger than I was. My heartbeat was so loud in my ears that I didn’t hear someone else approach us. Dan was suddenly on the ground with someone over him. I looked up and wanted to burst into tears, “Dad?” How did he know where to find me?
He bent down to me and I saw tears filling his eyes, “Yeah baby, it’s me.” I tried to take deep breaths but I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He ran his hands over my hair but stopped when I flinched. My head was pounding from it being smashed up against the wall. His expression turned irate, “Alex, Mike, get her out of here.” The next thing I knew, I was lifted off the ground. I was determined not to cry, but the pain searing through my body was so intense. I buried my face in my hands, pressing my palms into my eyes so the tears wouldn’t seep out. I flinched when I heard Mike telling Nick to stop as Dan started to groan. I knew that Mike would protect Nick, but I still didn’t want Dan to hurt him. He was a monster.
“You’re safe Ally, it’s okay,” Alex whispered. I shook my head, not lifting it from my hands.
“Give her to me,” I heard and I didn’t have to know who said it. I knew that as soon as he grabbed me that it was Nick. The only one I could let my guard down with. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into his neck as I finally let go. My sobs came in gaping gasps and I was having trouble breathing. “Shh, Ally,” He whispered as he rubbed my back. He stopped immediately as I whimpered in pain. “We need to get her to a hospital,” he mumbled. “Mike,” he said as I heard a van door open. He tried to sit me down but I clung to him desperately.
“No,” I whimpered. He nodded and climbed into the van, pulling me with him.
“Get us to the nearest hospital,” he said angrily. I hoped he wasn’t angry with me. “Are you coming Alex?”
“Yes,” he said stepping into the van and hanging up his phone. “Hospital is expecting us. Did you kill the fucker?”
“Shh,” he whispered harshly. “Ally, baby,” I heard in my ear. “You need to calm down. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly.”
“I can’t,” I whispered. “It hurts so bad.” He unzipped his hoodie and wrapped it around me.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, trying to calm down. I gripped the front of his t-shirt and whispered, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” I was going to lose it again if I didn’t stop.
“Shh, just worry about calming down,” he whispered, kissing my forehead. The van suddenly stopped and Nick stepped out, never letting me go.
The ER was almost empty, and we were greeted almost as soon as we walked in. “Hello Ally? My name is Dr. Mathis, I’m going to help you get better okay?” The young woman smiled at me but I knew better. The last time I trusted a stranger in this city I was attacked.
I clutched Nick tighter, “Ally, you’re gonna have to let me go so they can take care of you okay?” He took a deep breath and pried my hand from his, “do you want me to come in the room with you?” I looked up at him and saw the pain etched on his face. He was trying so hard. I wanted him to come with me so bad, but I could tell how upset he was. I could be strong. I shook my head and followed Dr. Mathis into an examination room.
Everything was a blur as she examined me, and asked me questions about the attack. A nurse held my hand for support and I was grateful for it, but it wasn’t Nick’s hand. I wanted him. “Do you feel like you can walk?” I blinked as I realized that Dr. Mathis was asking me something.
“Huh?”
“Can you walk out of here or do you need a wheelchair escort? You must be in a lot of pain,” she said.
“No,” I said quickly. “I can walk.” She nodded and I followed her out the door. I saw Nick and Alex immediately and tears flooded my eyes. They were both clearly visibly upset and I felt like a complete idiot because I’d caused them to be that upset.
“Mr. Carter,” said Dr. Mathis. “Can I speak with you for a moment?”
Nick stepped over to the doctor and asked softly, “What happened?”
Dr. Mathis looked at me and I rested my head on Alex’s shoulder, closing my eyes. “While she does have a lot of bumps and bruises, be grateful it’s not a lot worse. Her hand is broken in three places, and how the bones are broken, it’s from her trying to defend herself against the attacker.” I saw Nick tense and tried not to notice it. I looked up at Alex as he started to rub my shoulder, and saw him staring angrily out the window, “She has some bruised ribs but nothing that shouldn’t heal within a few days. She does however have a mild concussion. From where it’s positioned and what she told me, it looks like her attacker banged her head against the wall a few times to try to knock her out.” I was about to cry as it was slowly starting to sink in what Dr. Mathis was saying. “Just keep an eye on her, if she complains of blurry vision or intense pain, get her to a doctor immediately.”
“Okay,” Nick said tightly.
“I have here some medicine to tide her over for the next few days.” She handed Nick two pill bottles. “This one is just a mild pain reliever; she should take no more than three times a day.” She lowered her voice but I could still hear her, “and the valium is if she’s having trouble sleeping. I’d say give her one tonight but her blood alcohol level was fairly high.” I closed my eyes as Alex’s head snapped to me. Nick gave me a sideways glance as he frowned. “As for you, I’d keep a close eye on her tonight, it might be a long night, and she’ll probably have nightmares.” Not just nightmares, I was awake and it was all I could think about.
“Thank you,” said Nick.
“Ally,” said Dr. Mathis. I looked back at him, “please try and take it easy okay? You’re safe now,” she smiled gently and I wanted to believe her. “If you feel tired, it’s okay to go to sleep.” I nodded numbly and looked up at Nick. I just wanted to leave.
“Let’s go,” Nick said as he reached for my hand. He opened the door to the van for me and tried to smile at me as he sat down. Alex shut the door and immediately put his head in his hands as he sat down. I wanted to drown myself in my misery for hurting them both like this.
I was so stupid.
“Go around back,” said Nick as we pulled into the hotel. Mike walked into the hotel first and I was grateful that Nick stood next to me. I wanted to cry at the uncomfortable silence that surrounded us.
Alex got out his key card and looked over at me before opening his door. I wanted to hug him. But I couldn’t. “I love you,” he mouthed to me. I smiled sadly at him as Nick opened the door to our suite.
“Why don’t you go get changed,” he said. I nodded silently and walked into my room. My pajamas were on my bed thank God. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to get a shirt over my head so I just changed into my pants and kept Nick’s sweatshirt on. “Ally?”
“One second,” I called and tried to get my pajama pants pulled up.
But he didn’t listen and opened the door and frowned, “Do you need help?” There was no way he was going to help me change. No. Way. “I’ll get all of this stuff out of your way,” he took the clothes that were strewn about the bed and stuffed them all into the suitcase, and then turned down the bed for me.
He was about to say something when there was a loud knock on the door. I gripped his arm when he went to leave. He kissed my head lightly and said, “Why don’t you go in my room while I get the door.” I nodded. I loved that he knew that I didn’t want to be alone tonight. I quickly shut the door as I heard Brian’s voice. “Hi,” said Nick.
“Alex told me what happened, is she okay?”
“She’s fine,” he said. “I however, am not.” I frowned. He wasn’t?
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m going to find that mother fucker and I’m going to kill him if it’s the last thing I ever do.” My eyes widened. I had never heard him talk that way before.
“I know you’re upset-”
“Upset? Brian my daughter was attacked tonight because of something she heard me say! How can I not be upset?” I heard a loud thud but I didn’t know what it was.
“Nick-”
“I haven’t seen her in 17 years and she’s still fucking everything up,” he growled. I froze. He was talking about my mother.
“Calm down, for Ally’s sake,” I heard Brian say.
It was silent for a moment before I heard, “you’re right. Fuck.” I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. I felt it slowly slipping away as the tears started pouring down my cheeks like a faucet. “I don’t want her to be alone right now Bri, we’ll see you tomorrow.” I buried my face in my hands as I heard the door open. He was beside me in an instant.
“Do you hate me?” I tried to sound coherent.
“No,” his voice cracked and it sent me into another round of tears. “I could never hate you baby. Never,” he whispered fiercely. “Don’t you ever think that I could.” He grabbed the bottle of water that was on his nightstand. “Take a sip, it’ll help you calm down.”
But I shook my head, “I don’t want it.”
“Ally, please, you need to rest and I don’t think you’ll get any if you don’t calm down,” he whispered desperately. My composure struggled again at the tone of his voice and I tried to hug him but the pain in my side was killing me. “Don’t move,” he whispered.
“I was so scared,” I whispered. “How did you know where to find me?”
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I was lucky.” No, I was the one who was lucky. “Thank God we found you in time.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’ll never run off again.” And I meant it. I would never be this stupid again.
“Alexandra,” he said, “now is not the time to talk about this. You need to rest.”
But he needed to know how sorry I was, “no,” I said. “You need to know.”
“I do know,” he said as he moved me and laid me down. “Now drink this and rest.”
“Wait-”
“No,” he said, interrupting me. “Drink this and rest.” He handed me the bottle and I frowned. “Don’t argue.”
“Will you leave me?”
His expression softened, “not even for a minute.” I nodded and took the bottle, drinking the whole thing, not realizing how thirsty I was.
I ignored the pain this time as I hugged him, “thank you for saving me. I love you,” I whispered.
He took a deep breath and whispered, “I love you too Ally. I love you so much baby.” He kissed my head and pulled the covers up over me, “now rest.” He turned on the television and moved to lie beside me. I looked at him for a moment before I closed my eyes, feeling the weight of what happened sink in.
Chapter 8
I didn’t want to walk through those doors. I didn’t want everyone to stare at me and I didn’t want them to talk about me. It had been a few days since the incident and I know what I did was stupid; I didn’t need the rest of them knowing too. “Can I just stay on the bus?”
“No,” said Nick as he opened the door, “go.”
I blushed as everyone looked up at us, “Ally!” Nick put his hand on the back of my shoulder and pushed me further into the room. I looked up at him and glared at his smile. Alex walked up to me and pulled me aside, frowning down at me when I trembled. I was about to lose it and I didn’t want to. “It’s just me,” he said so low that even I had to strain to hear him.
“Sorry,” I whispered and I looked over at Nick, who was watching me intently.
“How are you doing?” I shrugged. How was I doing? Crappy. I was in pain physically and I know that Nick hadn’t even begun dealing with what happened. I knew I hadn’t even heard half of what he needed to say to me and boy, I didn’t even want to think about the punishment he would give me.
Because I knew it was coming.
“Um, well-uh, I-” I whispered desperately. I hated that there were tears in my eyes and I hated that he had to see it.
“Alex,” said Nick softly as he walked over to us, “don’t.”
“No,” I said, “he didn’t do anything.”
“Love you kiddo, glad you’re okay,” Alex said softly.
I pushed Nick away from me a little and glared up at him, “you didn’t have to say anything.” He just raised his eyebrows at me, “Seriously, I have to start talking about it sometime.”
“So you’re ready to start talking about it?”
Was I? No, but I had to sometime right? I acted like a fool; it was time to start acting like an adult. “Have to eventually,” I said again.
“Okay,” he nodded, “then after the show tonight, we’re going to talk about it.”
I panicked, “no! I’m not ready.”
“You just said you were Ally,” he lowered his voice, “you need to start talking about it sooner or later, right?” He raised his eyebrows, challenging me. My eyes dropped to the floor, I hated how he could make me crumble with a tone of voice or a facial expression. I could never ever get away with lying to him growing up; all he had to do was raise his eyebrows or twitch his mouth and I caved.
“So soon?” I was grasping at straws and we both knew it.
“It’ll get easier faster that way,” he ran his hand over my hair and I flinched in pain, “shit, sorry,” he said quickly. “You want to take some more medicine?”
“Please,” I mumbled. Now that he had touched it, my head was throbbing. I smiled, embarrassed at Brian and Howie as they smiled at me.
“Sit,” said Nick as he pulled out a chair for me. I took the granola bar from him and took a few bites before he handed me the pill. He handed me the bottle of water and I chugged it, making sure the pill wasn’t still in my mouth. I hated taking pills and Nick knew it. I refused to take them when I was younger, insisting that I’d be fine without it. He didn’t think so and insisted checking under my tongue every time; and he found it there every single time too. He still won’t leave me alone when I have to take medicine. “You swallow it?”
I glared at him, “you want to check under my tongue?”
He chuckled, “do I have to?” I rolled my eyes and looked at the door when their tour manager stepped inside. “Stay in the wings tonight, Mike will be there,” he said as he stood up. I shook my head. I wanted to sneak back to the bus once he was onstage. He clucked his tongue and I knew he was getting annoyed, “it wasn’t a suggestion Ally. Let’s go.” I followed him wordlessly out of the room but stopped short.
He was here.
My breathing became shallow and I knew they all turned to look at me but all I could do was stare at him. Nick lifted my chin up so I’d look at him and he narrowed his eyes when my tears slipped down my face. I tore my gaze back to him and clutched Nick’s shirt tightly, hiding my body behind him so the monster couldn’t see me. He worked for the tour. He was here, right in front of me. Did he know who I was? All of a sudden I felt Nick tense and a growl escape his mouth, “son of a bitch.” I looked up at him and saw him glaring at Dan.
“Oh shit,” Alex said.
“What do I do?” I squeaked, looking up at Nick.
“Take Ally back to the green room and keep here there until I come and get her.” He waited until Alex stood next to me and without another word; he was walking towards Dan. “You motherfucker,” he spat as Dan caught sight of me and then of Nick. Alex had me walking in the other direction before I could see what happened. He wasn’t quick enough though. I saw Nick shove Dan against the wall, grab the front of his shirt and lift him off the floor. Security was around them in an instant, shielding the rest of my view. I couldn’t help it; I started to cry. I felt my body start to ache again as he hugged me to him but right now I didn’t care. Dan was on this tour and he had been the whole time.
“Why is he here?”
“I don’t know honey, but he won’t touch you again, I promise.”
“Promise,” I asked.
“I promise,” I heard and my head shot up. Nick. I reached for him as he got closer. “Give us a minute okay? We’ll be out soon.” Once the door clicked shut, I broke into another round of tears.
“Why is he here?”
“He was a roadie,” he said softly, “but he’s gone now okay? You’re safe.” But I shook my head as I buried it into his chest. “Yes,” he said again, “you’re safe. Mike is escorting him to the police car that is waiting for him. You’re safe.” He rubbed my back and kissed my forehead softly, “I hate this,” he whispered, “but I have to go.”
“The show must go on,” I said softly. I hated that he could never ever back out of a show at the last minute like this. I just wanted to stay by his side all night, to make sure that he wouldn’t come back. They said he wouldn’t before and there he was. What if he found his way back here again? I grabbed his arm just as we were about to leave the room, “What if he finds his way back again?”
He sighed and closed the door, “Ally listen to me okay?” I nodded, “he’s gone. He’s not coming back. Ever. You’re safe, especially with me, okay?” I took a deep breath and nodded. I was going to try to trust him on this. “Mike,” he called as we got closer to the stage, “Don’t leave her side okay?”
“Got it,” he said as he fell into step behind me.
This had to be the longest concert ever. I sighed in relief as they took their final bows and Nick quickly grabbed my hand as he exited the stage. I followed him to the bus, holding his arm tightly as we walked through the parking lot. There was no way I was going to let him go when Dan was standing in this very lot just hours before. “Get comfortable while I take a shower okay?” I nodded and went to my bunk for my duffle bag.
This was going to be a long night.
A list of things to talk about? What had happened first of all. Why it had happened in the first place. What had happened tonight. Why my mother even tried to contact Nick at all. Then there were the consequences of all that. I saw the look he gave me when he had found out I had been drinking. I knew I was going to get in trouble for that. I also knew I was in trouble for running off in an unfamiliar city by myself.
He sat down next to me and frowned down at me, “are you okay?”
I shrugged, “does it matter if I am or not?”
“Of course it does.”
“Why? It’s not going to change anything.”
“No, but how you feel is important.”
I paused, “I’m freaked out and scared. Can we just get this over with?”
“Get what over with?”
“The talk,” I looked up at him, “just give me my punishment.”
He smiled slightly, “what makes you think I’m going to punish you?”
I stared at him, stunned, “you’re not? But I ran away,” I bit my lip, “and I got drunk.”
“Oh,” he chuckled once, “those you’ll definitely get punished for.”
I knew it was too easy. “So what is it then?”
He shrugged and fixed the pillows so he was leaning up against the wall, “I’m not sure yet honestly. You need to explain yourself before I decide what the rational thing to do is.”
I frowned, “why?”
“Because all I want to do right now is lock you in this room so you’ll never leave and I’ll always know where you are.” I looked down at my hands and frowned. He patted the spot next to him and said, “Come here.” I still couldn’t look up at him as I moved to sit next to him, but he put his index finger under my chin and said, “Now talk.”
I had no idea where to even begin with this.
I was silent for a few minutes. I was trying to figure out the best place to start, “did you kill him?”
He tensed, “want me to be honest with you?” I nodded. If I had to be honest with him, he had to be honest with me. “I wanted to. I wanted to rip him apart for touching you. If Mike hadn’t of stopped me, I think I would’ve.” He hesitated, “I hate myself for letting him hurt you.”
I felt so ashamed, “It’s my fault,” I mumbled, “I was stupid.”
“Why?” I just bit my lip, “Ally if I’m honest with you, you have to be honest with me okay?” I nodded.
“You said I was a mistake,” I whispered, the tears automatically pooling in my eyes.
“No,” he said immediately, “I said everything that happened with her was a mistake.”
“Well I happened with her,” I sniffled, “I heard that and I got so upset, so I went for a walk to try and calm myself down. But it didn’t work so I made up my mind to come back to the hotel and just ignore you for the rest of my life when…he came up to me and asked me for the time. The next thing I know, he’s buying me drink after drink and then he said he’d walk me back to my hotel, and,” my deep breath was shaky, “I never thought that’d happen. I never thought-” I couldn’t finish. I turned my head away from him so he wouldn’t see me cry.
“Ally,” he said after a moment. He put his hand on my shoulder, and I bit my lip to hold back my sob, “how could you ever think that I would say that about you? You’re my world and that’s the way I always want it.”
“You don’t think I’m a mistake?”
He tensed for a brief moment, “God no Ally.” I was shaking now I knew it. “I don’t want you to ever, ever think that you are okay?” He tried to get me to face him but I refused to look at him, “Ally come on, look at me.” He cupped my face in his hands, “You’re my daughter and the only love of my life as far as I’m concerned. Nothing and I mean nothing will ever change that okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered. I felt like an idiot. He really had to convince me that he loved me? “I’m sorry,” I said suddenly. He looked at me confused but I shook my head, “you shouldn’t have to convince me that you love me.”
“I know,” he said, “but I would if it helps.”
“You know,” I said, “right after I told him to stop the first time and he didn’t-” we both tensed, “I tried to run away but he threw me against the wall,” I took a deep breath to steady my voice. “The phone started to ring, and it was you,” I finally looked up at him because I needed to see his reaction when I said this. “And I couldn’t think about what he was doing to me, I don’t even remember at this point,” I bit my lip, “all I could think was ‘how did you know?’” He looked away from me, “How did you know that I was in trouble at that exact moment? I know that you were calling me all night, but in that exact moment, at that exact time, how did you know?” He didn’t answer and I could tell he was trying to calm himself down. He looked like he was about to lose it. I put my hand on his arm and he tensed.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. He could cry in front of me, I wouldn’t tell anyone.
He chuckled and finally looked over at me, “shouldn’t I be saying that to you?” He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in for a hug, which I gladly accepted. Nick was great at hugs.
“I love you Dad,” I kissed his shoulder and closed my eyes as he wrapped his arms around me. He didn’t say anything, just kissed my head twice, which I know in Nick speak, meant me too. I knew this little moment couldn’t last though, we still had to get to the punishment, “so am I punished until I die?”
He laughed. It felt so good to hear him laugh, “No, but close though.”
“Okay,” I said. It was time to accept full responsibility, “give it to me.”
He sat us up, “Blackberry is off limits.” I nodded, fair enough. “So isn’t the laptop,” I nodded. That would suck but I could live with that. “And the iPod is conditional.” He grinned when I frowned. The iPod was what got me through most of the trips.
“What do you mean conditional?”
“Airplanes only,” he said, “this is going to upset you,” he said, “but, Chelsea isn’t going to come out this summer after all.” No way.
“Please?” I asked desperately. “Please, you can take away anything else,” I put hand over his, “Please; I want her here with me, please, please, please.”
But he steadfastly shook his head, “No Ally, not this time.”
“But-”
“I said no,” he said again.
I moved away from him and crossed my arms, “that’s not fair.”
He raised his eyebrows, “fair? Ally you ran off, got drunk and got in trouble, you don’t think that deserves some sort of serious repercussion?”
“You promised she could come out!”
He laughed, “You don’t think I should take it back?”
“No,” I stood up to leave.
“Don’t you dare leave this room,” he stood up. I ignored him and walked out the door, “Alexandra,” he caught my arm, “where the hell do you think you’re gonna go? The bus is only 45 feet long.”
“Fuck off,” I snapped at him.
His eyes hardened, “get back in here.” He dragged me back to the bedroom but I refused to look at him, “look at me,” he snapped. I glared up at him, “you really think she should still come out here?”
“Yes!”
“Drop the attitude,” he glared at me, “and think about it. You scare all of us to death by running off; you really don’t think it’s a reasonable punishment?”
I folded my arms and looked away from him. He was right and I hated it. I wanted Chelsea out here so freaking bad it was killing me. I hated being the only girl on this entire tour. And apparently, I had a hard time staying away from trouble. He relaxed and I bit my lip. My silence told him that he was right and I wasn’t going to fight him anymore. I felt like my mind was going off in a hundred different directions.
I couldn’t do anything right.
I leaned back against the wall as he continued to stand in front of me. I felt like my mother. I bit my lip and turned to leave again but he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kept me in the room, “don’t leave.”
I had to know why she called; I had to. “Why did she call you?”
He tensed, “huh?”
“Why did she call you?”
He was silent for a moment and I wasn’t sure whether he was going to answer me, “she contacted your aunt BJ.”
“Why?”
“You,” he said softly. I stiffened. Me? Why me?
“Why me?”
“You’re her daughter,” he said softly.
What a bunch of bullshit. “That’s fucking bullshit,” I snapped and he tensed. Right now, I didn’t care if he hated it when I swore. “Is she deciding now that she wants a daughter?”
He spun me around and placed both his hands on my shoulders, “You know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“What do you think I should do?”
His eyes hardened briefly but relaxed just as quick, “I can’t answer that for you Al, this is all you.”
“She really wants me back?” I asked after a long moment of silence. He didn’t say anything, just nodded.
Holy crap.
Chapter 9
It had been two weeks and four days since Nick told me that my mother had tried to contact him. I knew the exact day because it was all I could think about. He hadn’t pressured me into making a decision, which I was grateful for. I had always talked to him about everything, and together, we’d always come up with a solution, but this time, I think I had to do this on my own, or at least without Nick.
“Alex?” He grinned sheepishly when I caught him smoking. He had quit right before he and Nina got married, which was well over ten years ago. But I knew he must’ve been going through a hard time. And here I was about to make it a little more complicated.
“Sorry Ally,” he flicked the cigarette away.
“Don’t apologize…”
“You okay?”
“Well, I…I wanted to talk to you, but it’s okay if you don’t want to talk right now. You must have a lot on your mind-”
“You know I can always clear some space for you honey, what’s the matter?”
“I wanted to ask you some questions…about my mother…” His eyes widened to saucers and he cleared his throat. “I don’t want to ask Nick because I know it’ll make him sad, and I’m not sure if he’d want me asking these questions.”
He put his hands on my shoulder, “Pack a bag and put it on my bus. We need to head to the next stop right after this but we’ll talk okay?” I bit my lip and nodded.
“Thanks Alex.” I found Nick sitting with Brian in the green room, eating a sandwich. “What’s that?”
He glared at me, “my sandwich.” I laughed. He knew that I had a weakness for sandwiches. Not sure what it was, but I loved them. He used to joke that he could put anything between two slices of bread, it didn’t matter what, and I’d eat it. It’s how he used to get me to eat my vegetables growing up. He’d put my peas and carrots between two slices of white bread and lettuce and I was a happy girl.
“I’m not hungry. I actually want to ask you something. Is it okay if I ride with Alex tonight?”
“Did you ask him?”
I bit my lip, “actually, he asked me.”
He nodded, “It’ll be nice not to hear the snoring.”
I blushed even though it wasn’t true. “Please you’re totally talking about yourself there Nicky.”
“You did not just call me Nicky, Alexandra Nicole.”
I grinned, “That sandwich is totally chicken salad isn’t it.”
“After calling me Nicky, there is no way in hell that you are getting some of my sandwich.”
I saw Brian grinning at us and I rested my head against Nick’s shoulder, “But Dad…” I paused for effect, “M head is starting to hurt. I think I need to take my medicine but I haven’t eaten-”
“Don’t even try pulling that with me, you just said you weren’t hungry.”
Brian winked at me, and I continued, “please Dad? You really want your only daughter in the world to starve?”
“I hate you,” he scowled but pushed his sandwich towards me.
I took the sandwich and kissed his cheek, “Thanks Nick! Bye Bri!” I still got it.
I made myself comfortable on Alex’s bed before he came into the room. He handed me a Coke, which I know would keep me up all night; I had an extremely low tolerance for caffeine. Nick discovered this the hard way. He had never really let me eat or drink junk food growing up, and I never tried either. It was never in the house so I grew up eating fruit and water if I wanted a snack. But one Christmas we flew to New York to spend it with my grandma, and as soon as we walked in the door, she gave me a Coke. I spent Christmas morning with my head in the toilet and a massive headache. Nick had thought I had broken into the liquor cabinet while everyone was asleep.
“So what kind of questions do you want to ask me Al?”
I had tons, but I figured I’d start with the easiest first, “First off…what’s her name?”
“Nick never told you her name?”
“I had never asked before,” and I hadn’t. I knew nothing about her and that was fine with me. If I knew too much then I’d want to get attached; and I didn’t want that.
“Her name was Jen; she was a close friend of your Aunt BJ.”
I sipped my Coke thoughtfully, “is that why Nick was upset when BJ called?”
“Yes. Jen had contacted BJ and BJ contacted Nick. Jen wanted Nick’s phone number but BJ refused to give it to him.”
“What did she do? What does she do now?”
“Back then, she was a chef. BJ met her at culinary school. She was two years older than Nick and four years older than BJ.” He glanced at me, “she was very goal-oriented. She wanted her own restaurant by the time she was 25, she already worked at a five star restaurant in Sarasota. Then she met Nick and she fell in love, but her goals didn’t change.”
“Until she got pregnant…”
Alex nodded slightly and I sipped my Coke to keep myself occupied. “She was 20 when you were born and you made her so happy. Nick wasn’t ready to be a father at 18, but the moment he held you in that hospital room, he fell in love.”
I wanted to cry, “So what changed?”
He sighed. I could tell he didn’t really want to talk about it, but I knew he wouldn’t keep it from me. “She still had her dreams and goals and nothing could stop her from achieving them.”
“She couldn’t achieve them while she stayed? Were we that much of a burden?”
“No honey, you weren’t. But it’s her loss right? You and Nick are two of my favorite people in the world. She’s the one missing out.”
“She wouldn’t have to if she realized that she could’ve stayed and still got what she wanted.” Maybe she did get what she wanted. Maybe what she wanted was to leave us behind.
“How bad did it hurt Nick?” I threw the now empty can into the trash that was beside his bed and stared out the window as the highway flew by.
“I’m not sure he wants you to know Al.”
“Well I need to know Alex.” I glared at him, “if I decide I want to meet her, I’m not only bringing her into my world, I’m bringing her into his. Can he take seeing her again?”
He was quiet for a moment and I dreaded the answer. What if I decided that I wanted to meet her and the answer killed Nick? I wasn’t going to jeopardize Nick for her. She wasn’t worth it. “He would for you Ally. I can’t explain-”
“Try to,” I was on the verge of becoming hysterical, but Nick was my world; I wasn’t about to break him into a million pieces.
Alex sighed and stood up, “you want another Coke? I need some more tea.” He left the room when I nodded. I knew the next Coke would do me in; but there was no way I was going to get any sleep after this anyways. Maybe being sick would give me an excuse to stay awake and think about this mess. And what a mess it was. “Now before I tell you this, you need to know that Nick loves you more than anything he’s ever loved before got it? He would do anything for you and he’s sacrificed a whole lot for you, because he loves you so much. Do you understand Ally?” I nodded; I understood, but I could tell that it wouldn’t make me feel any better with what he was about to say.
He took a sip of his tea and started. “He refused to even look at you for the longest time. He said you looked just like her, that he was only 18, he was way too young to be responsible for you. He thought about giving you up to your grandfather so he could take care of you.” I kept my eyes trained on the comforter as tears pooled. I knew it was going to hurt to hear this, but I didn’t know it would hurt this much. He didn’t want me. “Your grandfather had driven up from the Keys and was going to take you with him. The car was all packed; you weren’t up from your nap yet. Bob had sat Nick down and asked him if this was really what he wanted. You woke up, started crying and wouldn’t stop, even when Bob brought you back downstairs. He went to go get something of yours from the car and handed you to Nick. You immediately stopped crying. Nick said that you just stared up at him, and then you smiled. Bob came back in and Nick refused to hand you over. Said that you were staying with him.” Alex put his hand on my shoulder and then I started to cry, “He called me up and asked what I was doing for the next couple of weeks. I told him I was going to move in with him and help him take care of my Goddaughter.” He hugged me tightly and he whispered, “You grew up with nothing but love Ally. We all loved the shit out of you, and being surrounded by that much love does something to a person. Look at you who are today. Ask yourself if there’s anything missing from your life. Is there a hole in your heart that you need filled? Look at the answers to those questions and then make your decision. Okay Ally?”
“Okay.”
Chapter 10
As soon as we got to the next venue, I holed myself in the bathroom, resting my head on the cool tile floor. I knew those two Cokes would come back to haunt me; my head was pounding. “Ally?”
“This is the girls room Nick,” I kept my eyes closed; it hurt to keep them open.
“You’re the only girl here, I think I’m safe.” I felt him kneel down next to me, “are you okay?” He checked to see if I had a fever and I whimpered when he touched my forehead.
“My head is killing me, I’ll be fine.”
“Shit, we need to get you to the hospital then.” I knew he would think it would be about the concussion that I no longer had.
“No, I just had two Cokes last night,” I propped myself up against the wall and stared at him. All I could think about was my conversation last night with Alex. I couldn’t picture Nick not strong. He had always been rational when it came to making decisions. For him to break down like Alex said he did, he must’ve really been heartbroken. It made me angry.
“You know your low tolerance for caffeine,” he sighed.
I shrugged, “I had a lot on my mind anyways.”
“Like what?”
I shrugged, I wasn’t ready to tell him, “Just stuff…you know.” He nodded. I’m sure he knew what that stuff was.
I needed to eat something. I wasn’t hungry but I knew that if I took aspirin without eating, my headache would get a lot worse. “Hey Ally,” Brian smiled as he sat down next to me.
“Hi,” I smiled sadly. I felt like I was falling into a depression over this whole thing. “Brian, why did my mother contact BJ?” I knew he and Nick had talked about it. Brian and Alex had always been his go to person whenever he needed advice.
Brian sighed, “I know you’ve been under a lot of stress, trying to decide what to do. I’m not sure if telling you is the right thing to do right now.”
“Please? I’m starting to lose my mind. Everyone tells me that I need to make this decision on my own, but how am I supposed to do that if I know nothing about the situation? If I make a decision, it’ll be based on false information and I don’t want that to happen.”
Brian smiled, “Nick raised you right Ally. You’re a good kid.” I smiled but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “Jen contacted BJ because wants to see you. She saw some photos of you and Nick leaving an airport on an entertainment website and said you’re almost an adult now, and she thinks you’re mature enough to hear her reasons for doing what she did.” What if I didn’t want to hear them? I wanted her to know what it was like to want someone who didn’t want to be there. But was that fair?
“So, you think she’s been waiting for me to be an adult about it? Hoping that I might see the error of her ways and forgive her so we can all be a happy little family again?”
He patted my head, “I can’t tell you yes or no but I can say that you’re much smarter than anyone gives you credit for Al.”
“Thanks Bri, this helped a lot.” I caught up with Alex as he saw him heading outside. “I have some more questions.”
“Can it wait until after the show tonight?”
“No. It needs to be now.”
He sighed and stared at me, “fine. But you can’t stop me from being a bad influence this time,” he took out a pack of cigarettes and lead me around the corner. “What do you want to know?”
“Was she a nice person?”
“Do you think your Dad would’ve fell in love with her if she wasn’t?”
“That’s not an answer, love can blind you. What was your opinion on her?”
He shrugged, “I had a feeling from the beginning that the relationship wouldn’t last, but Nick was in love, and she seemed equally smitten so I didn’t say anything. Then I banished the thought once they told everyone she was pregnant. Then…Nick found the note.”
“She couldn’t have been that nice if she left a fucking note,” I scowled. Alex just shrugged. I think he agreed.
“Uncle Howie,” I caught up to him as he was about to step on his bus.
“Hey Al, you okay?”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Is this about your mother?” I nodded and he led me into his bus. “Want something to drink?”
“No thanks.”
“What did you want to know?”
“Did you know her?”
He shrugged, “sort of. I only saw her whenever Nick was around.”
“So like…you didn’t know how she was? Alex told me that he thought she wasn’t that nice but you know how he is, he holds a grudge, I thought that maybe it was clouding his vision.”
Howie nodded, “She was nice. A little high strung, but she was nice.”
“Like she couldn’t take a joke?” I didn’t like people who couldn’t take jokes. I grew up with Nick constantly pulling pranks and telling jokes. I scowled at the people who didn’t laugh. I always thought Nick was the funniest person I knew. If someone didn’t laugh at his jokes, then that meant they didn’t like him. If they didn’t like Nick, then I didn’t like them.
“No,” he looked thoughtful and I knew that I should’ve gone to Howie all along. He wasn’t judgmental. “She laughed at any joke we told. But she worried too much about the little things.” I frowned; I had a tendency to do that. I wanted all my traits to come from Nick not her. “Is her being funny going to factor into your decision?” I wanted it to but I just shrugged.
“I don’t know what will and what won’t anymore. I don’t want to make this decision at all. I want to forget she even existed.”
“I know Ally,” he hugged me. “But it’s almost over.”
I nodded even though I knew it would never be over.
As I watched them perform, I thought about Jen. Now that I knew her name, I wasn’t going to call her my mother, because she wasn’t. Nick had been both parents growing up. I had a lot more bits and pieces thanks to Howie, Alex and Brian but I wanted to know more about her though. What did she look like? Where did she live now? What if she lived in Sarasota still? What if she was only thirty minutes from me my whole life? Who does that? It all became very clear. I stopped Nick as they made their way off stage after their last encore.
“Hey, you feel better? Your headache gone?”
I just nodded. “I just want you to know that you’re a great Dad, the best in fact. You were always there for me even when I didn’t want you to be. You held my hand whenever I was scared and showed me how to be a great person. I hope someday that I can be half as great as you are.”
He stared at me for a moment and I swear he started to blush. “Thanks baby,” he whispered and kissed my forehead.
“I have you.” I motioned to Alex, Howie and Brian as they watched our little exchange, “and I have them. I’m a lucky girl for being surrounded by people who love me so much.”
They all grinned at me and Nick said, “Yeah, you are.”
“Then I don’t need her.” I looked up at him, “I don’t need her because I like the way my life is right now. I have you, and I have my aunts and uncles, and they’re all the family I need. I think my heart is pretty full right now, I don’t have room for one more.”
I don’t think he knew what to say, “Ally…are you sure?” I nodded, “Let’s go talk about this.” He led me to the green room and I was surprised when Alex, Brian and Howie followed us in too. “So explain your logic to me Ally. You don’t want her in your life? I thought you always had.”
I shrugged, “I thought I did too. I wanted to ask her all of these questions about why she did what she did but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it.” I took a giant breath before continuing. “I can forgive her for deserting me,” I said. “I may not want to, but I can. I can because as much as a connection that I have to her, I didn’t know her.” I looked over at him to see him watching me intently, they all were. “I never knew her. Growing up, you there when I woke up from a bad dream, not her.” I put my hand on his arm, “but you loved her. And she left you, and I can’t forgive her for that.”
He looked surprised, “what? Ally, you can’t base your decision on something like that.”
“Yes I can. She hurt you in a way that no one else could. And I can’t forgive her for that.”
He shook his head, “I’m fine Ally. I think you need to reconsider this.”
“Do you want her back in our life?”
“She’d be in your life Ally, not mine.”
My eyes narrowed, “You’re a pretty important part of my life Nick, you’re the first and last person I go to for everything.”
He sighed, “Alexandra, are you really sure? Are you sure you thought this completely through?”
“Yes, I have.” He left the room without another word and left me staring after him.
Chapter 11
“Ally, why don’t you ride with me again tonight,” Alex led me out of the room.
“I don’t want to.”
“I think you should, give your Dad some time to process it all, okay?”
It hurt that Nick just walked out.
“Can I use your laptop?” I was still banned from using my own, but I wanted to get my mind off it and see if Chelsea was online. He handed me his laptop and went to change. I still had my bag on his bus so at least I wouldn’t have to sleep in jeans.
Allygator: Chels!
ChelsBug: OMG Ally, did your dad give you property rights to your laptop again?
Allygator: No, Alex is letting me borrow his. I wish I could call you, something big has happened.
Chelsbug: Are you okay? I mean, Nick told my mom what happened and why I couldn’t come out, even though I think it’s totally unfair.
Allygator: I know, you and I could be out in Rome right now.
ChelsBug: Damn, I love Italian men too *pouts*
Allygator: My mother contacted Nick.
ChelsBug: WHAT! Holy shit, when?!?
Allygator: Well technically she contacted my aunt BJ, but she apparently wants to meet me and tell me why she left.
ChelsBug: Holy shit Al. You’ll have to tell me EVERYTHING that happens when you meet her.
Allygator: I’m not going to meet her. I told Nick that I didn’t want to, and for some reason he’s not talking to me now.
ChelsBug: you’re not? I thought you always wanted to meet her.
Allygator: My priorities have changed. I don’t want to talk about it right now okay?
ChelsBug: Subject change :) You get your grades yet? The ranks have been posted too! I’m 15 out of 158, not bad! I’m sure it won’t match yours Miss Smarty Pants
Allygator: Oh shut up, no I haven’t checked, I haven’t had access to a computer. I’ll do it soon.
ChelsBug: Ugh, I gotta go Ally, I have to work, sucks big time. I MISS YOU!
Allygator: I miss you too Bug! 5 weeks left!
I closed the chat, grateful I had been able to catch her. She always made me feel better. I had met Chelsea when I was six. Her last name was Caywood, so on the first day of class, our seat assignments were right next to each other. We’d been best friends ever since. While she still got good grades, she always teased me that I took it a little too serious.
But Nick had always been completely serious when it came to school. I wasn’t allowed to stay home unless it was a legitimate excuse, and for motivation to do well, he said he’d give me one hundred dollars for every A I received. Of course the motivation worked, I knew I was in the top of my class; I had never gotten anything below an A. I wanted Nick to be proud of me, and working extremely hard in school was a way for him to be. I shook my head and went to the school’s website. I grinned when I saw all A’s but gasped when I saw my rank. My counselor told me to expect my rank to be high but I wasn’t expecting it to be one. I wanted Nick to be here.
“Are you doing something you’re not supposed to be doing?”
“No.”
“Then why’d you gasp?” He sat across from me and sipped his tea.
“Just looking at my grades and rank. All A’s of course. Nick owes me $500 bucks again.”
Alex laughed, “Good job. What’s your rank?”
I blushed, “one.”
His eyes widened and my blush deepened, “…as in Valedictorian?” I nodded. “Ally, that’s great!” He sat next to me and hugged me.
“Thanks.”
“You’re not excited?”
“No, I am.” And I was. But I wanted to share it with Nick and he didn’t want to talk to me right now. He didn’t even say goodbye, he just walked out of the room and onto his bus.
“You’re just worried about Nick,” he said. I nodded. “I’m proud of you, you know. The way you handled the situation and your decision. You weighed all your options and looked at all points before deciding what you thought was right. You’re not a kid anymore, as much as I don’t want to admit it,” I couldn’t help it; I laughed at that. “Nick honestly thought you’d want to bring her back into your life.” I shook my head. I was standing by my decision. “He just needs some time to grasp it.” I knew that. But it still hurt. We both looked back at the screen when we heard the chat screen.
TheCarter: What is your screen name doing signed online?
Allygator: Checking my grades, they’re posted.
TheCarter: How much do I owe you this time?
AllyGator: $500. Do I get anything extra for valedictorian?
TheCarter: Seriously?
AllyGator: Seriously.
TheCarter: Why are you not on my bus so I can hug the shit out of you right now?
AllyGator: You can swear but I can’t? Not fair.
AllyGator: You just walked out of the room, I thought you were angry with me.
TheCarter: Next stop you’ll switch busses and we’ll talk okay?
TheCarter: Now get off the laptop, your punishment still stands.
I woke up to find myself in my bunk. I don’t remember getting back to our bus. Nick smiled when I sat across from him. “How did I get back here?”
“You walked.”
“I don’t remember it.” I opened the tiny refrigerator and giggled when I saw a jar of green olives. “Did you get these for me?”
“I wouldn’t touch those, you know that.”
I popped an olive into my mouth. “So you want to talk about it?”
“About what?”
“Why you walked out of the room last night.”
“Not right now,” he sighed, “but I’m not mad at you Ally, okay?”
I nodded. I could live with that for now. “What time will we be at the venue?”
“Day off today,” he grinned. “I figured we could explore.” I just stared at him. “Rome, I hear it’s a great city, want to check it out?”
“You serious?”
He grinned, “We can celebrate your valedictorian with some chocolate gelato.”
I could live with that.
Chapter 12
I had never complained about touring because I knew how much Nick sacrificed for me. But I secretly did not like it. I hated packing up and starting over in a new city almost every night. I hated not having a connection to places we stopped at.
So when the last night of tour came around, I was beyond ready to be home. I wanted to see Chelsea and I wanted to sleep in my own bed. I was already planning to call Chelsea the minute we landed to tell her to meet me at my house. Nick usually went out with his friends and Chelsea and I stayed up until all hours of the night, catching each other up on our summers. Her stories usually consisted of kissing boys and sitting by the beach, where mine usually consisted of movie nights with Nick and the funniest fan moments. This summer was different though; I could tell her about the view from the Eiffel Tower, and the fans that spotted Nick and I when we were getting gelato in Rome. I needed to tell her about Dan and the whole Jen situation.
“Can I sit in the crowd tonight?”
“You want to?” I nodded. For as long as I’ve been touring with them, watching them perform, I had ever really only seen one show per tour, and that was usually the last show. We were in London for the last stop, because the day before the guys had appearances on some television shows. Mike escorted me to the pit and I blushed when the girls in the front room seemed to recognize me. One of them started snapping pictures left and right.
“Ally!” I looked over at them and smiled. If I wasn’t his spitting image, you would never guess I was Nick’s daughter. He craved attention, I hated it. He could talk to anyone at any time and I was super shy. “Can I get a picture with you?”
“Sure,” I smiled and scooted over to her. She handed her camera to her friend and posed with me. “Are you excited for the concert tonight?”
“Of course, it’s been years since I’ve seen them!” They all grinned excitedly as I posed with the next girl. This was so weird, why did they want my picture? “Can you give something to Nick for us?”
“Sure,” I smiled. Nick loved getting presents from fans. He didn’t get them as often as he did when they were just starting out, but he loved them, especially the shirts. Most of them had crude sayings or were just downright ugly, but he always grinned happily and wore them with pride. She handed me a brown box and I smiled, “he’s going to love it, I’ll make sure he posts something on his twitter about it.”
All of the girls giggled and nodded, “can we get your autograph?” I think my jaw literally dropped to the floor.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, you’re almost as famous as he is.”
Now I was really confused, “I am?” I mean, I know that people knew about me because of Nick, but I didn’t think that could be considered famous.
“Yeah Ally. You’re gorgeous, you’re always featured in articles when they talk about celebrity children. Of course they can never get a decent picture of you, except for those ones at the airport in Paris. But people love to look at you, you’re gorgeous. Have you ever thought about modeling?”
People thought I was pretty? This girl thought I should be a model? Seriously? The lights flickered and the screaming started, “enjoy the show!” I took my seat but didn’t really pay attention to their entrance. My mind was on that girl’s comments. I had never given much thought to my looks. I knew I looked like Nick. I had always been told that I was his spitting image; himself in female form. I knew that girls threw themselves at his feet but it never really dawned on me that I was considered gorgeous. Boys had never paid attention to me at school, except for Brandon, so I just had never thought anything about it. When Chelsea and I were together, boys always went for her, not me. I caught Nick’s eye and grinned when he gave me a look. I took the brown box in my hand and continued to watch their last show.
“Before we go anywhere, open the box.” I wanted to know what was inside it.
He grinned, “Make friends with some fans tonight? I saw you posing for pictures.”
I laughed, “They also asked for my autograph, can you believe it?” He tore open the box and I groaned at the two t-shirts that were inside.
“Jackpot!” The first one read ‘In my next life I want to be a ghost,’ and the second one was black with a bright blue tribal design on it. “The ghost one is hilarious.”
“No it’s not,” I laughed, “I promised you’d say something on your twitter about it.” He grinned and took out his phone to no doubt post to his twitter.
“The girl told me that I’m almost as famous as you. That I’m always featured in magazines when they talk about celebrity kids.”
He looked at me, “I know. But they haven’t gotten any good pictures of you.”
“You knew?” Why didn’t he tell me? Did it matter anyways? I didn’t want to be famous. I had never really tried to be; I hated the attention. But she said I was in them because I was beautiful. “Can I ask you a question without you getting all Dad on me?”
He laughed, “What is it?”
“She said I was in them because I was pretty,” I shrugged, “I’ve never really paid much attention to how I looked but is that the reason why I’m in them? Am I pretty?”
His smile was soft and a little sad at the same time. “They mention your looks in them yeah.” He shook his head, “you really don’t know how beautiful you are Ally?”
I blushed, “I never said beautiful, I said pretty.”
“I know, I’m saying beautiful.”
“She said I should start modeling,” I said, “I wanted to laugh and tell her that I can’t walk in a pair of high heels and I’ve never worn makeup and the boys at school never look my way.”
He laughed and shook his head, “that’s what makes you beautiful.” I smacked him as I blushed again. “Ow! Be nice to me!”
“You kids ready?” I grinned as I hooked my arm through Alex’s as he led me out the door.
Nick had given me my Blackberry back when we were at the airport. I didn’t have my laptop back but we were back in Tampa again, it didn’t matter anymore. As we made our way to our car I sent Chelsea a quick text to meet me at my house so we could start our night. “You excited to see Chels?”
“Yes, I can’t wait. You heading out tonight?”
He nodded, “yeah, gonna head over to Brent’s for a little while, won’t be out too late though.”
“Is Aunt BJ still staying at the house?”
He nodded, “Yeah. She went food shopping and is cooking us dinner tonight.”
Yum. I hadn’t had a home cooked meal in ages. Of course for Nick; a home cooked meal meant me cooking; he couldn’t cook to save his life. We pulled into the driveway I immediately got out.
It felt so good to be home. I could’ve kissed the pavement.
“Leave the suitcases for now, we can do laundry later.” That suited me just fine. I walked into the house behind Nick and almost walked into him when he stopped short. I peeked around him to see what his problem was and froze.
There was BJ in the living room with…someone else.
“Nick.”
“…Jen.”
Chapter 13
Nick walked over to Jen and hugged her her, “you look great Nick.” Traitor.
“Thanks, so do you.” What was she doing here? I thought I said that I didn’t want to meet her. Just then I felt arms around my shoulders.
“Hey Ally!” Chelsea grinned. She giggled sheepishly when she noticed everyone staring. “Sorry, hi everyone!”
“Hey Chels,” Nick grinned and walked back over to us. He put his hands on my shoulders and whispered, “It’s going to be okay Ally. I think you two need to talk.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I didn’t want to talk to her. Nick put his arms around Chelsea’s shoulders, “why don’t we go into the kitchen and you can tell me all about your summer.” She glanced at me as Nick led her out of the room and I winked for her sake. Her crush on my father was a known fact to all of us, Nick included. He was used to it; I found it disturbing.
“Ally,” Jen said softly, “hi.”
“Hello,” I stepped into the room but refused to look at her. She didn’t deserve that. “What are you doing here?”
“She wanted to meet you,” BJ said.
“Even after I said that we should leave well enough alone?”
BJ bit her lip, I was so angry with her, “you didn’t know what you were thinking.”
I glared at her, “I didn’t?”
Jen turned to BJ, “give us a minute okay?” She turned back to me and grinned. I tried not to look at her but I had to. She was gorgeous…and looked nothing like me. My hair was blonde, hers was brown. My eyes were blue, hers were brown. I was tall and thin, and she was thin, but really short. I don’t know how Nick dealt with the height thing; it would’ve pissed me off. “You look just like your father.”
I nodded. “What are you doing here?”
She sighed, “I know you didn’t want to see me, but BJ thought we should talk.” It was nice to know my Aunt would go behind my back like this.
I shrugged, “So…what?”
“I’m sorry Ally, for everything,” She sat down. “I know those words have completely no meaning for what I’ve done, I understand and I accept that we will never be able to have a relationship; I deserve this. I saw pictures of you and Nick at an airport in Paris and knew that I just had to try and explain everything to you. There were things I would’ve handled differently. But, it was a choice that I can’t go back and undo.”
“Would you undo it if you could?”
She hesitated. She freaking hesitated, which meant, no, she’d do it all over again. So why were we here having this conversation? “I wanted to get the chance to know you.”
“Why did you leave Jen?”
She closed her eyes, “You have to understand, I was a little young back then. I wasn’t able to fully comprehend my actions or deal with the consequences.” I shrugged and she continued, “I felt suffocated. You only stopped crying when Nick would hold you, you would scream your head off if I ever tried to feed you, change you or hold you. Nick was your everything. After a while I started to resent him for it. Why did he have such a way with you and I didn’t? I was your mother, we were supposed to have a connection. Then, after a while I realized that I still had things I wanted to accomplish, and staying wouldn’t have let me accomplish them.”
I was glad I hated her even back then. I probably knew what was coming. “So it wasn’t what you wanted. Did you ever stop to think about Nick? He was two years younger than you, he was in a band, and touring all over the world, and all you could think about was yourself.”
“I’ll be honest with you, it wasn’t what I wanted back then. I was selfish. Nick was living his dream and I wanted a chance to live mine.”
“Is it what you want now?”
“I do have a family now, yes.”
I froze. “You have a family now?” She did? I had brothers or sisters? She was capable of loving someone and staying in one place?
She bit her lip, “I have two boys, twins, they’re six.”
“What are their names?”
“Jacob and Preston,” she said softly. She handed me a picture and I stared at it.
“Is that the father?”
“My husband, we live in Orlando, I’m a chef at a restaurant in Disney.” she said softly. I stared at the two boys, my brothers. They looked like her. So she wanted a family, she just didn’t want the one that I was a part of. I got angry.
“You know, I don’t really want to hear about any of this.” I shook my head, “they’re your reasons, and reasons I’ll never understand. Nick is the greatest guy I know and it’s sad that you missed out on that. It’s sad that you missed out on getting to know me, and I turned out fine without you. Nick was a great Dad, the greatest and taught me how to be the same. It’s sad that growing up I wasn’t able to share things with you…that you weren’t here for things that Nick couldn’t help me with. But that’s okay; I had other people who loved me that were willing to help me. I’m sad for you, that you missed out on getting to know two great people in your life. That your dreams were more important than helping someone else establish theirs, that your dreams didn’t include us.” I smiled at her, “But I refuse to be sad anymore about the fact that you weren’t there for me because my life turned out great anyways.”
There were tears flowing down her cheeks but I stood my ground even though it was killing me. “That’s all I wanted Ally. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, but I’m happy that you turned into a beautiful young woman. Nick did a good job.”
“Of course he did, he loves me.”
She nodded and stood up, “Here’s my number, if you ever want to talk, just call me. I think I should get going.”
I agreed, “I think you should too.” She took a step towards me but I took a step back. If I let her hug me, I would take back everything I just said and beg her to come back into my life. “Nice to finally meet you Jen.”
She smiled sadly, “Goodbye Alexandra.”
She quietly shut the door behind her and I walked into the kitchen. Nick was leaning against the counter and Chelsea was sitting on it. They were in conversation, but the atmosphere was tense. When I walked up to Nick he opened his arms and gave me a hug that I desperately needed.
Then I started to cry.
Chapter 15
I don’t know how long I cried into Nick’s chest, but when I pulled away, tears were streaming down Chelsea’s face as well. “Are you okay?” Nick frowned. He glanced at Chelsea, “you okay too Chels?” She just nodded but I shook my head.
“Did that really just happen?”
“Yeah, it did,” He rubbed my back. “You handled it well though Ally. I’m proud of you.”
“Where’s BJ?” I looked up at Nick and noticed his features harden. “I don’t want to see her right now.”
“She left.”
“Yeah, your Dad did a pretty good job of telling her how uncalled for that was.” I glanced at Chelsea. For Nick to say something in front of anyone, especially someone that was me or Alex, he had to have been pretty angry.
I glanced back at Nick and he just shrugged. “She was totally in wrong, I wasn’t going to let her get away with it.” I knew he counted this as the second strike against his sister. The first was the drunk driving fiasco, and now inviting Jen into our home completely unwelcome and uninvited. He turned to Chels, “You pack a suit in your bag?” She nodded.
“Why don’t you two go get changed, I’ll make some popcorn and then we can head out on the boat tonight.”
“I thought you were going out?”
He shook his head, “I don’t feel like it anymore. Why don’t we three spend the night on the boat.” I sighed contentedly; it sounded like heaven.
When I walked into my bedroom to change I stared at myself in the mirror, looking for anything that told me that I somehow belonged to her. I picked up my Blackberry.
“Hello?” He sounded sad.
“Alex?” There was no hiding the quivering in my voice.
“Ally, what’s up baby? Are you okay?”
“She was here,” I whispered and I locked myself in my bathroom just in case Nick or Chelsea came looking for me.
“Who was there Al?”
I started to cry, “Jen.”
“Huh? I thought you didn’t want to meet her?”
“I didn’t! But she was sitting in the living room with BJ when Nick and I walked through the door.”
“Jesus Ally…” He sighed heavily, “Is she still there?”
“No, she left and Dad kicked BJ out,” I whispered. “I’m sorry; I just wanted to call you. You and I talked so much about it and I know you would make me feel better.”
“I don’t know what to say to make you feel any better honey. I’m sorry.”
I bit my lip, “It’s okay. I’m sorry I interrupted-”
“You didn’t interrupt anything Al. You know you can call me absolutely any time you need me right?”
“Yeah,” I whispered. I loved my Godfather. “Bye Alex.”
“I want you to do something for me before we hang up. Take a deep breath, and smile.” I looked in the mirror and even though I looked like a mess, I smiled.
“I’m a mess,” I chuckled.
He laughed with me, “but you’re a mess that I love to help clean up. I’ve helped you grow, and shape that beautiful smile into what it is right now. So the next time you get sad about her, think about all the people who you had instead. Would you trade any of us if it meant you got to keep her?”
It’s amazing how a few little words or actions can put everything in its place. “I love you Alex.”
“I love you more baby.”
I met Nick and Chelsea at the dock and smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, I had to make a phone call.”
“Alex?” Nick helped us both on the boat. I nodded. “Once we get out on the open water, how about I let you drive?”
I grinned, “Oh definitely. No take backs on that one either.”
“Are you gonna let me drive too Nick?” Chelsea grinned and Nick smiled.
“And let the wild child risk sinking my boat? Think again Bug,” He winked at her.
Chelsea and I went to the front of the boat while Nick drove us out to sea. She rested her head on my shoulder and giggled, “Your Dad is so freaking hot.”
I scrunched my nose, “Gross Chels.”
“If he was like…15 years younger, and not my best friend’s father, I’d be all over him.” I rolled my eyes.
“Gross.”
“Hot…a little dorky. But hot.” I agreed on the dork bit. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, I felt tons better after I had talked to Alex. “Yeah, I am. Alex asked me if I would trade everyone who I grew up with for her and it put things into perspective for me.”
We hit the open water and I ran up to the deck and kicked Nick away from the wheel. It was my turn to relieve some stress. He went to the lower deck and I could see him chatting away with Chelsea. I groaned; it meant I would get an earful later about how swoon-worthy my father was. It made me sick.
“You want anything Ally?” Nick’s head poked above the ladder.
“Yeah, I want you to stop leading on my best friend. She’s getting ideas.”
He laughed, “The only girl who’s 17 and has my heart is you baby.” I rolled my eyes; he was such a dork. He climbed all the way up and handed me a bowl of popcorn. “Just the way you like it, cocoa powder and powdered sugar.” I shoved a handful of it into my mouth. “You know Ally, you handled the situation perfectly, much better than I would have.”
“How did it feel seeing her again?”
He shrugged, “not sure. I was too worried about you to figure out how I was feeling.”
I nodded, “I was worried you’d be sad.” I ducked out of the way when he tried to ruffle my hair.
“You don’t have to worry about me.”
I frowned. Then who would?
I couldn’t sleep. What Alex said made sense. No, I wouldn’t trade anyone, except for BJ, for Jen. But it didn’t change the fact that she just showed up on our doorstop and told me that she did have a family, that didn’t include me. That she was too selfish to stay. What made me angry was that her life, to her, seemed perfect. She had the perfect job, the perfect husband, and two perfect kids, and nowhere in that picture did I fit into it. She wanted to talk to me to tell my why she didn’t want me.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
I smiled as Chelsea sat next to me, “just thinking about what happened tonight.”
“I’ve come to realize that nothing in your life is normal. There’s craziness everywhere around you.”
I chuckled, “it’s why I’m friends with you.”
“Psht, I am not crazy.”
“Boy crazy,” we both giggled. “Please tell me your summer was full of hot boys.”
Chelsea laughed, “I spent the majority of the summer with Adam Kesher, our lovely senior quarterback.”
“No way,” I frowned. She always got all the luck when it came to getting guys.
“Yeah, but don’t let his hotness factor fool you,” she said, “he was actually pretty horrible in bed.” Chelsea and I may have been best friends, but we were pretty complete opposites. She had lost her virginity when we were 15, and at 17, the most I had done was kiss a boy, and it was only one. She went out on the weekends to parties, to the beach, to anywhere really, she could make anyplace fun. I sometimes tagged along with her, but mostly not. I was always pointed out as ‘Chelsea’s friend’ and I was sick of it.
Another thing about my life I was determined to turn around. I turned to her, “any parties happening this weekend?”
She grinned slyly, “I think I know of a few.” Her eyebrows raised, “care to partake?”
Chapter 15
“Are you going out tonight?” He walked in the kitchen dressed somewhat nicely.
He nodded, “Meeting a couple of people over in Orlando for the night.”
I frowned, “who?”
“Some record execs. Your Uncle Aaron wants my help on his next album, so I’m meeting him out there.” I nodded. “I’ll be home tomorrow afternoon. What are you doing tonight?”
“I’m going to spend the night at Chelsea’s,” I said, hoping he wouldn’t catch the lie. I had a hard time lying to him; he always caught me, or just gave me a look and I caved. “But maybe since you’re going away for the night, she could spend it here.”
He laughed, “You two alone in a house actually seems pretty scary. You two get into some weird business.”
“Oh please, we’re angels.”
He smiled at me, “either way, have fun tonight okay? Things here have been a little stressful, you deserve to be a teenager every once in a while.” I nodded in agreement.
I peeked out the window and watched as Nick drove out of the driveway and down the street. Finally alone, I changed into the mini dress that Chelsea had let me borrow and flew out the door. When I asked Chelsea if there were any parties this weekend, she had told me about one in particular; Brandon’s. He was in college now, but stayed in the city, which meant, still living at home. But his parents were away, I knew it was going to be a night to remember.
“You look fabulous,” Chelsea grinned as she slid into my car.
“Of course I do. You taught me well.”
“So, let’s talk goals for tonight.” I nodded. This was her area of expertise so I let her roll with it. “Drinking and lots of it.”
“Nick thinks I’m spending the night at your house,” I said. I was proud of myself that he hadn’t caught the lie. This was my chance to show Brandon what he missed out on.
“Good, my mom thinks I’m spending the night at yours.” She grinned evilly. “You are going to have Brandon all over you by the end of the night.”
I laughed, “I don’t want him all over me; I want him to regret missing out on me.”
“Same thing,” she giggled, “and if I have my way, he’ll be in your pants by the end of the night.” I scoffed. I wasn’t sure I wanted it to go that far. Maybe a kiss but Brandon wasn’t worth sleeping with I knew that much. “You can’t say that you don’t want to Ally. You should just do it and get it over with.” I frowned. I knew that if anyone had found I had just thrown it away, especially Alex, they’d be so angry with me.
Last summer on tour Alex overheard a phone conversation with Chelsea about the topic. After I had hung up with her, he dragged me to his bus and told me that if I didn’t wait for the right person, he’d find whoever it was and kick his ass. I, of course, was so embarrassed that I just agreed and turned to leave but he sat me down and told me why he thought I should wait. He told me that he lost his virginity at fifteen, just when the Backstreet Boys were getting started. Girls were throwing themselves at his feet and all he had to do was pick one and he’d be all set for the night. He was a teenage boy; he took advantage of it. He told me that he regretted not waiting for Nina because she was his true love. But if that were true, then they wouldn’t be going through a divorce right now.
But I was tired of not being allowed to make mistakes. I turned to Chelsea, “maybe I should just sleep with him.”
I always had had bad associations when it came to alcohol. It always brought out the worst in people. It sent Alex into rehab, it’s what got me attacked in the streets of Germany, and it brought out the mean side in people you thought you knew. When we had gotten to the party, Chelsea made us inaugurate the night with shots of Vodka. After the third one Brandon had walked up to do the fourth with us.
“Welcome back State side Ally,” he raised his shot glass.
“Here, here!” Chelsea giggled and shot hers back as well. I smiled but didn’t take the shot. Vodka had always been Nick’s go to alcoholic beverage and I felt weird downing it without him knowing. If I had my way, he would never find out about this night anyways, but it still felt weird. Chelsea said I relied on him too much. I couldn’t decide whether or not I should be angry about it but he was my father, I had a hard time keeping anything from him.
Chelsea dragged me away from Brandon, “you have to have him chase you. Let me introduce you to some hot guys okay?” I just nodded. She knew what she was doing.
I had no idea how much alcohol I had drank or what time it was but I was nestled in the corner like I usually was at parties. Except, this time, there was someone nestled in there with me. I couldn’t remember his name but Chelsea had introduced me to him. He was on the basketball team, which made him infinitely better than Brandon. Basketball was much cooler than football.
Basketball boy had left to get us some drinks when I felt a hand press into the small of my back.
“You look great tonight,” Brandon whispered in my ear.
“Thanks.”
“Want to get something else to drink?” I looked up at him and knew that Chelsea was right; Brandon was chasing me. I nodded and followed him out into the backyard. He opened a cooler and handed me a beer. I opened it and took a large gulp. “Trying to get drunk tonight Ally?”
“Would you help me if I said I was?”
He smirked and pulled me to him, “I missed you this summer.” Then he kissed me.
“I missed you too,” I smiled back. Okay so I hadn’t really, but I’d tell him anything if he kept kissing me.
When he walked back inside I couldn’t find Chelsea anywhere. Brandon had led me back over to the table with all the hard liquor and poured us another round of shots, tequila this time. “Here’s how you properly shoot tequila,” he grinned. He swept my blonde hair away from my neck and licked a long line from my ear to my shoulder. Jesus. He flicked salt over it and handed me the line. “Put it in your mouth.” I tried not to blush at how dirty it sounded. I wasn’t cut out for this. But I stuck the rind of the lime in my mouth and tried not to swallow it whole when Brandon licked the salt off my neck. He shot his tequila then put his mouth on mine, sucking the lime juice out of the lime. “Your turn,” he grinned.
“Ok,” I tried to muster the courage as I grabbed the salt as he filled the shot glass again. He put the wedge of lime in his mouth and waited for me. I leaned into him and licked his neck, flicking the salt on it and then licking it off. When I put my mouth on his to suck the lime juice he pulled away. He took the wedge out of his mouth and put his lips back on mine. His mouth tasted like lime, which took away the vile taste of the tequila.
“Want to head somewhere a little more private?” I bit my lip and looked up at him. Then I nodded.
His bedroom was a mess. There were clothes in the corner, video games all over the floor and posters of half-naked models on the wall. This did not look like the room I had pictured in my head when I lost my virginity. He shut the door behind him and then kissed me again. The alcohol had helped with the nervousness but still, when he lifted my dress over my head, I started to freeze. He sat on his bed and took off his shirt and then kissed my stomach.
I had never felt so naked before and I wasn’t even naked. I had no idea how this was going to happen if all I felt was my nerves. I leaned over him and started kissing him again. He scooted back on the bed and said, “Take your bra off for me.”
I took a deep breath, and then slid it off my shoulders.
Chapter 16
“What the hell are you wearing?” Nick glared at me as I walked into the house. I frowned and looked down at the mini dress. I was such a bad teenager. I didn’t even think to bring a change of clothes.
“A dress.” Aaron poked his head around the corner and grinned at me.
“Hey beautiful,” he hugged me.
“Hey Aaron! How are you?”
“Great, missed you tons.”
“You went to Chelsea’s dressed like that?” Our greeting didn’t interrupt Nick’s subject at hand. I blushed and completely blew my cover. “Come here,” he said lowly. When I walked up to him he sniffed and straightened. “Are you hung over?” I was but there was no way I was going to admit that to him. “Go up to your room, I’ll be up there in a bit.” I spun around but before I got to the stairs he said, “You might want to find a way to cover up your neck too.”
I turned on the shower and glanced at myself in the mirror. I groaned when I saw why Nick told me to cover up my neck. I was so stupid for last night. It’s not like I wanted Brandon in the first place. I sighed; I was going to be in so much trouble. I was sore and had a major headache.
When I got out, I dressed myself from head to toe in sweats. “Ally can I come in?”
“Yeah.”
I couldn’t look at him though, I could feel the disappointment radiating off him. “So…how was last night?” I shrugged. It sucked in all honesty. “I take it you didn’t go to Chelsea’s.”
“I did too.” His eyes narrowed at me, “we just didn’t stay there very long.”
“Where’d you go?”
“…There was a party at Brandon’s.”
“Is he the one who was sucking on your neck last night?”
I blushed, “stop.”
“What Ally, you can do it you just can’t talk about it? You want to be stupid enough to be reckless then you need to deal with the consequences no matter how uncomfortable it is.”
“We didn’t do anything!”
“Then why is there a hickey on your god damn neck?”
I felt like crying, “Because!” He wasn’t taking that for an answer, “Like I said, we didn’t do anything.”
“What were you drinking?”
I sighed, the only hope I had for a lesser punishment would be to tell the truth. “We had some vodka and tequila and some other stuff, I don’t know.”
“Do you remember last night at all? Jesus Ally, didn’t Germany teach you anything?” I knew what he was talking about, and it made me angry. In Germany, the last time I had drank any type of alcohol, was when I was attacked.
“Yes, it did,” I snapped, “at least this time I drank with people I know.”
“Drop the attitude Alexandra,” He glared at me. Then he shook his head, “never mind, give me your Blackberry, it’s off limits.” I took it out of my bag and handed it to him. “And for your mouth, you’re not leaving this bedroom unless it’s to go to school, got it?”
He had never grounded me before, “That’s not fair. I told you I didn’t do anything!”
He scoffed, “yeah well, the evidence seems to contradict your statement there. You got drunk and you come home dressed like a slut. So don’t try to tell me that nothing happened,” he snapped off at me.
I was about to lose it. “Get out of my room.” He slammed the door behind him as he left.
I fell back against my bed and wiped my eyes. Last night was such a mistake that no amount of wishing or fixing could make it go away.
I was completely topless and felt completely stupid. But I climbed on the bed anyways and lay down. He hovered over me and started kissing my chest.
“Brandon.”
“What baby?”
I frowned; I didn’t like him calling me baby. Nick and Alex called me baby. “Don’t call me baby.”
He chuckled against my skin, “put your hands on me.” I did, remembering the tips that Chelsea had given me. I ran my fingers along his spine and then reached around to undo his jeans. I hesitated when I pulled down his zipper. Moving my hand just inches inside would be like moving my whole sex life three miles. I couldn’t help but be nervous. “Ally you’re killing me,” he groaned and hooked his fingers into my underwear. I froze and he pulled away. “Do you not want to do this?”
“I do…I just,” I frowned, “I’ve never done this before.”
He smiled, “Then I’ll teach you everything I know.”
I grinned, “Okay, show me.”
I opened my eyes when I heard Nick calling my name. I slowly walked down to the kitchen to see Aaron sitting at the table, avoiding my or Nick’s stares and Nick glaring at me. “You called?”
I think I heard him growl. “So you got an interesting text from Chelsea just now.”
“You went through my fucking phone?” I snapped.
“Who’s phone Ally? Who the hell pays the bill around here?”
“It’s still my phone!”
He shook his head and looked back at the phone screen, “Let me tell you what she said okay?” I crossed my arms and continued to glare at him. “It says, Hey girl, heard about your wild night with Brandon. Glad you finally popped your cherry!” He threw the phone. “What the hell were you thinking?”
“You broke my phone!”
“Yeah well you’re not going to be using it for a while anyways.” He shook his head, “you never do stuff like this Ally. Why? Why’d you do this?”
“You told me to go out and be a teenager last night! So I did, it’s not a crime!”
“I didn’t tell you to go out, get drunk with your best friend and fuck some guy who fucked you over at the beginning of the summer.”
Even though I was angry, I still blushed, “I told you before, nothing happened.”
“That text eradicates every fucking thing you can say to me Ally.”
“You’re gonna believe someone else over your own daughter?”
“There’s a lot going against you right now Al. Give me some evidence here.” I didn’t answer him. I didn’t have anything to give him except my words.
“You know, parents are so usually nosy about their kids’ sex life,” I snapped, my anger overcoming my embarrassment.
“Yeah well, those kids seem to be stealthier about hiding it. You suck at it. You did things that were illegal so don’t pull that bullshit with me. So tell me Ally, right now,” he took a deep breath, “did you sleep with him?”
I stared at him, and then started to cry.
Chapter 17
The sex talk that Alex and Nick had given me after I had found Nick on top of some woman was vague and I spent most of it trying to burn the image out of my mind. But they had sat me down and told me that sex was something that I should take seriously, and be in love with the person I was with. It was awkward, uncomfortable and, well, scarring but they had both imprinted me with the notion that sex was supposed to be special, not something one went into lightly because the outcome was always an emotional one.
But Chelsea had always said that the best sex came with no strings attached because then you couldn’t get hurt. I knew why there could be such a disconnect for her though. Her parents were still married, but her father was constantly stringing along other woman while he traveled behind their backs. Chelsea’s heart had hardened, and I know mine would’ve been the same way if I didn’t have so much other love surrounding me.
That’s why I couldn’t take that final step with Brandon. But I had no idea how I was going to convince that to Nick. He was so quick to think that I could do that. God, I was so stupid last night.
I closed my eyes as Brandon started taking off my underwear but then stopped him. “Stop Brandon.”
“I don’t want to,” he didn’t stop. I sat up and pushed him off me. “What the fuck Ally.”
“I said stop! I don’t want to do this anymore.” I stood up and slipped the dress over my head.
“What the hell, you go to all that and just decide to stop.” He stood up, “I don’t fucking think so.” I searched around for my shoes and bra and walked to the door.
“My bad,” I grinned slyly at him, “Have a nice life Brandon.” I shut the door behind me and walked out of party.
I opened my eyes when I felt my bed dip. I saw Nick sitting on the edge, holding a glass of orange juice. “I crushed up some Tylenol and put it in the juice for you.”
I took it and chugged it, hoping the faster I drank, the faster my headache would go away. He didn’t move from the bed, but didn’t look at me either. “I’m not stupid.”
“Never said you were.”
Tears sprung to my eyes, “I can’t tell you what happened without getting insanely embarrassed.”
“Me either, but my number one priority is to make sure you’re safe.” He sighed, “I just…” He pinched his fingers to his nose, a sure sign that he was nervous. “I taught you better than that Ally. You have a good head on your shoulders, and I know it’s ultimately your decision but…” He finally looked at me, “you’re so much better than that.”
I pressed my face into my pillow, “I know. I just…” I couldn’t believe I was about to say this. “Chelsea always tells me how great it is and how I’m missing out. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one left who hasn’t tried it. And boys never look at me because they know my Dad is famous and a millionaire.” I peeked up at him to see him blushing.
“You’re not a cheap thrills kind of girl like Chelsea is Ally. You are two completely different people.”
“I know,” I whispered, “but everyone likes Chelsea.” I sniffled, “nobody likes me.”
“And you think that spreading your legs is going to change that?” He asked. I groaned into my pillow. “They’ll talk to you…only if they think you’ll sleep with them.”
“It’s better than being ignored,” I sniffled.
“No, it’s not.” He took a deep breath. “I used to be one of those boys Ally. We were assholes. We let the really good ones get away.” I did not want to hear about Nick used to get around.
“Nick, I don’t really want to hear this.”
He chuckled and I was now convinced that the blush I had on my cheeks was permanent. “Good, because I really don’t want to tell you.” He hesitated, “If you are going to…do that. Just be safe about it, okay?”
“God Dad, I didn’t have sex okay?” I huffed stood up, “All night I kept thinking that you would get so pissed if you knew what I was doing right now! I was doing shots of vodka, and the only thought running through my mind was that it was your favorite. I walked into his bedroom and saw all the video games that you have stashed in your closet that you convinced me you threw away.” I let out a frustrated scream, “I can’t even break any rules because all I can think about it how you’ll find out, because you always do! So no, Brandon and I didn’t have sex. I’m still a virgin, and now I hate you for making me say all of that.” I slammed my bathroom door behind me and was determined to never leave.
He needed to just drop it. I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to smile like Alex had said. I was still a mess, and I was starting to think that there was a permanent hole in my heart that slowly started to get bigger as the days went on. There was something missing but I had no idea how to fix it. It was bigger than Brandon.
Nick wasn’t in my room when I poked my head out. I was intending to throw myself on my bed and sleep for the rest of my life but the card sitting on my nightstand stood out like an elephant in the room. I looked at the door when there was a knock. I was not ready for another talk with Nick. I had enough of those to last a lifetime.
But it was Aaron. “Hi.”
He grinned, “Hey Beautiful. Your Dad and I are going to take the boat out for the afternoon. Please stay out of trouble while we’re gone okay?” I glared at him. “I’m not here for very long and I want to spend some time with you before I leave okay?”
My Uncle Aaron held a particular place in my heart. I didn’t see him a lot, mostly at holidays but he was so awesome. He was almost as protective as Nick was, which annoyed me, but he was so much cooler than Nick about it. He did things with me that Nick would never do. For Christmas one year, we had all met in Maine. My Grandma Jane had just moved there and the whole family made the trek for Christmas. It was cold as hell but Aaron took me to the beach and asked if I wanted to do something really cool. I, of course, said yes, and then we went in the ocean. In December. We had returned to the house drenched, shivering and freezing. Nick got so angry at Aaron but I didn’t care. I had fun splashing around and having snowball fights in the middle of winter was such a cool thing to do. I had a hard time staying out of trouble with Aaron was around.
I went to the window to see the boat just going out of sight. I grabbed the card and ran down to the kitchen and stared at the phone. I tried to convince myself that I shouldn’t. I didn’t want to, but I needed to. Someone picked up on the fourth ring, “hello?”
I took a deep breath, “Hi, is Jen there?”
Chapter 18
“I’m going to be late coming home today,” I said to Nick and Aaron as I grabbed an apple from the refrigerator.
“Uh, no you’re not. You’re grounded remember?”
I sighed, I hated lying, mostly because I was so bad at it. “Yeah, but there’s this club that I’m thinking about joining and they always have meetings on the first day of school.”
“What club?”
I pretended to look for the peanut butter when I said, “French Club.”
Aaron laughed, “French?”
I frowned at him, “it’s what I want to study in college.”
“Have you thought about what school you want to go to yet?”
I shrugged, “not really.” I grabbed my car keys, “see you later.” I didn’t wait for a response. The sooner I left, the sooner the afternoon would get here.
“Ally!” I turned and saw Chelsea running towards me. “So,” she grinned, “I heard about your night with Brandon!”
I glared at her, “I didn’t sleep with him Chels. I don’t know how you heard anything about it.”
She looked confused, “but Brandon said you did…”
I rolled my eyes, “well, we didn’t. I left him there. But my Dad saw the text you sent and now I’m in deep trouble with him.”
She giggled, “That sucks.”
“I’m grounded indefinitely.”
“It won’t be that bad, just be really good so you can get released and we can start partying again.” I frowned. I didn’t want to start partying again. After this whole fiasco, I was sort of content with being boring. “Do we have any classes together?”
We held our schedules side by side. “Dude, we have like four together! This is awesome!”
She giggled, “This year is going to be the best yet.”
I sighed, “I won’t be here in the afternoon.”
Her eyes got wide. “Are you skipping?”
I bit my lip nervously, “I’m going to Orlando for the afternoon. I’m meeting my mother there.”
“You are? I thought you didn’t want to see her anymore?”
I shrugged. That’s what I thought too.
I parked my car and just sat there for a while. I was nervous. I checked my hair in the mirror and stepped out into the Florida humidity. I had come to Disney once in my entire life. I was young and Nick and Alex had taken me for the weekend. Nick told me that I was so determined to meet Cinderella that I made Nick go to great lengths to look for her. I had scoured the entire park searching for her and burst into tears when I couldn’t find her. I wrapped myself around his legs and wailed. I refused to go on anymore rides or meet any other princesses. Then, as we were about to leave, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and there she stood. She waved at me and held out her hand. But I refused to touch her. I gripped Nick’s hand and even when he pushed me to her, I refused to let go of him. She was perfect, and I knew that if I had touched her, she’d crumble to pieces. But she hugged me, and gave me her autograph and afterwards she hugged Nick too.
From that moment on, I was convinced that Cinderella was my mother, and that she couldn’t be with me, because she had to be a princess inside the castle at Disney. Of course I was only fooling myself, but it had guarded my heart back then. I found it pretty ironic that I was walking through the gates of the castle to meet my mother. She wasn’t Cinderella, but my Disney fairytale didn’t seem so far off.
I spotted her restaurant and stopped in my tracks. If I walked into that restaurant, I had to be strong. I had to stick to what I came here for and not let anything she says affect me. I saw her standing by the hostess desk and she grinned when she saw me. She looked happy to see me. “Ally,” then she hugged me and kissed my cheek. I felt myself forget the pep talk I had just given myself.
“Hi Jen, thanks for seeing me.”
“You know it’s no problem. I told you to call me if you ever wanted to talk.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m surprised you said you could meet now. Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”
I shrugged, “yeah, but it’s the first day, it’s not like I’m missing much.” I looked at her as we sat down at a table in the corner. “I’m valedictorian you know.” I wanted to give her something to be proud of me for.
Her eyes lit up, “No way! That’s great!” She laughed, “Who knew. Why don’t you let me buy you lunch?” I nodded and smiled at her. “We serve the best club sandwiches here, would you like one?”
It’s like she knew I had a love for sandwiches, “Yes. I love them.”
“Great, just let me go put the order in.”
When she came back I asked, “So, are you like, the head chef?”
“The executive chef, yes. It’s my dream job.” She smiled, “I love it.”
“Nick can’t cook to save his life, so I’m usually the one cooking dinner at night.”
She laughed, “I see that still hasn’t changed about him.” She grinned up at the waiter when he brought out our food, “Thanks Frank.”
“That was quick.”
“Well technically the restaurant is closed. We only serve dinner, so they’re only prepping for tonight.” I nodded. “So Ally, I’m so happy you decided to call me, but I’m guessing there’s a reason behind it…”
“There is, actually.” I sighed. “I was just so shocked to see you the last time, I wasn’t prepared.” I looked up at her, “But I’m prepared now.” I took a bite of my sandwich.
“Okay,” she said, “you can talk to me about anything, and I’ll be honest okay?”
“How’d you and your husband meet?” I wanted to know what made him better than Nick.
“He was introduced by a friend.”
“Where’d you go after you left?”
“Here,” she said. “My former teacher told me about an opening here, so I took a job here.”
“I came here when I was five once, I was convinced that Cinderella was my mother,” I chuckled.
“I know,” she said. I looked up at her. She knew? “I saw you here with Nick and Alex. You ate here actually. Sat in booth in the back.” She looked towards the very booth. “I remember the day like it was yesterday. The waitress had come into the kitchen, giddy that Nick Carter and AJ McLean were in the restaurant. I asked if they had a little girl with them and when she told me that they did, I had to sneak out and see you.” She smiled sadly, “your hair was so curly back then, and so, so blonde. You looked exactly like him Ally. You had on this little blue sundress that made your blue eyes bluer if that’s possible.”
“You didn’t come and say hello?” I frowned at her. I knew the answer, but she was that close and had just ignored us?
“I couldn’t,” she sighed. “You were so young, and I knew that it would’ve only confused you. If I was going to reach out to you, I knew it would have to be when you were older, so you were able to make your own decision.”
That made sense, but she was so close, how did she resist the chance? “I spent my whole life afraid to ask Nick about you, because he always got so sad whenever you were mentioned. So I spent my life wondering who you were, what you looked like, what you were doing…”
“I’ve been here the whole time,” she smiled, “waiting to see if you would come.” Well I did come, so now what?
“Can I ask you a personal question?” She nodded. “Well, I don’t have any girls around me, and the one that I do is a little biased. So,” I took a deep breath, “there’s this boy that I’m sort of involved with. He dumped me at the beginning of the summer because I was going to Europe but I was with him at this party the other night, and things got kind of serious…” I blushed as I picked up a French Fry. “Nothing happened, but it almost did. Nick found out and freaked out, but…”
“Have you had sex before?” I blushed again and shook my head.
“Honey,” she put her hand over mine, “Wait until you’re absolutely ready. Don’t give into the pressure. Don’t think it’s not cool to wait. Don’t listen to what others say. If you give in, you’re going to make mistakes.” She looked down at her food. “I didn’t wait until I was ready, and I’ve made plenty of mistakes.” She didn’t look me in the eye and my heart rate sped up. Was she talking about me? “But when you find the one, it’ll make the wait worthwhile. You won’t have sex, you’ll have love. And that’s ten times better than what everyone else will tell you.” She sighed, “But if you’re serious about giving it a try, promise me you’ll be safe. That you’ll take precautions and know what to expect.” She looked at me, “and if you need any help, I’ll help you out.” I nodded and turned my head when she turned her head towards the door. “Shit…”
There was Preston and Jacob. I could tell. They were with their father, and walking towards our table. I followed Jen when she stood up and stared as she went to greet her husband and sons. I stared at them; they seemed so happy. She brought them over to me and I smiled, ready to meet the other people in my mother’s life. “Adam, this is Ally,” She introduced me. I shook his hand.
“Hi Ally, it’s nice to meet you.”
“You too Adam,” I smiled back.
“Are you two having a meeting or something? I can take them on a ride or two if you need to finish up.”
“No,” Jen said quickly, “we’re done here, right?” She looked at me.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think we were done. Not even close. “…Yeah, I think.”
“Okay, great,” she smiled. “Thanks so much for your time Ally. I’ll call you if you’re hired for the position of dishwasher.” She then turned back to her husband and kids.
I froze. She didn’t want to tell him about me. Who I was; that I was her daughter. I bit my lip; if I didn’t leave right now, I’d start crying, and I wasn’t about to do that in front of her. I took one last look at her, holding her children and kissing her husband and looking happy that I was not in that bubble with them. I turned out of the restaurant and took her card out of my purse, dropping it in the trash as I walked past it.
She wasn’t my Cinderella.
Chapter 19
“Your explanation for ditching school better be amazing Alexandra. You are in so much trouble, you’ll be lucky to see the light of day.” Nick stood towering over my car in the garage, his stature rigid and his voice ice cold.
But I didn’t care. As soon as I had gotten in the car in Orlando, I had started crying, and I hadn’t stopped. I walked up to him, wrapped my arms around his waist and burst into another fit of tears. He went to move away but I squeezed him tighter, my tears staining his shirt.
“What happened? Where did you go?” But I couldn’t answer him, I crying too hard to talk. “Hey,” he said softly, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, “Calm down Ally. It’s okay.” I still couldn’t answer him. “Ally baby, you need to calm down okay? I don’t want you to start hyperventilating. Take a deep breath okay?”
“I can’t,” I whispered. “It hurts so much.”
“What hurts? Where does it hurt? What happened?”
I pressed my face into his chest and continued to cry, “My heart. It hurts so bad.” I felt it breaking into pieces, and each sliver was getting lodged in my throat. I thought I was going to drown in my tears. I didn’t care if I did at this point, as long as the searing pain in my chest went away, I’d be fine. Nick had put my arms around his neck and swept his arm under my knees to carry me into the house. His shirt was officially drenched, but it was comforting.
I took his sleeve and wiped my face with it. “Hey,” he chuckled, “I’m wearing this shirt.” He sat me down on the couch and sat opposite me on the coffee table. He picked up his water bottle. “Here, take a sip.” When I shook my head he said, “Ally, I think you just cried all the water out of your body, I don’t want you to get dehydrated. Take a sip.” I nodded and took a few sips.
I looked up at him. He looked so concerned, when just a few moments ago, he was so angry. I felt horrible. “I lied to you. I’m sorry.” He just continued to stare at me. “I didn’t go to French Club. I went to Orlando, to see Jen.” If he had any feeling at all, he didn’t show it. “I don’t know why I did it. I just needed a few more answers. But,” I sniffled again. I felt like I was going to start crying again. “Her husband and kids showed up, and she didn’t tell them about me! She told them I was there for an interview for a job. And not even a cool job like a waitress or a hostess but a dishwasher! You know how I hate washing dishes. I was so stupid Dad!” I sniffled, “Why is she so ashamed of me?”
“Because she doesn’t know what she’s missing,” he said softly, running his hand through my hair. His touch calmed me down.
“Remember that time you took me to Disney?” He nodded, “remember where we ate dinner?” He had to think about it but nodded again. “She was there that night. She poked her head out the door and saw us. She saw me, you and Alex but didn’t say anything. Who does that? Why?” I started to get angry. “Why is my heart broken right now? She doesn’t deserve it. She doesn’t deserve my tears.” They started rolling off my chin again, “but I can’t help it. I’m sorry I’m crying over her.”
“Hey, Ally, listen to me,” he said firmly. “You never have to apologize to me for this okay? It doesn’t matter how little you know her, she’s your mother, and there will always be a connection to her. It’s too bad she can’t see how great of a person you are. She’s the one who lost out in this okay?” He took a deep breath, “and now you know. Okay?” I nodded. He was really good at comforting me, but this time it just wasn’t working.
“I’m going to go up to my room,” I walked up to my room and shut out the rest of the world. I started to cry again when my head hit the pillow. They were angry tears this time. I didn’t want to cry over her. She wasn’t worth it. She wasn’t worth my thoughts, feelings or tears.
I should’ve known that this was going to happen. All of the signs were there. Alex warned me, and so did Nick. If BJ had kept her nose out of it, then I would’ve been just fine. I would’ve gotten the last word instead of crying over her, because she stuck a knife through my heart.
Again.
Nick had known that Jen was like this. Maybe he didn’t know when she left him, but his heart had grown hard against her over the years. He avoided my stares, questions, and statements about her, and now I knew, it was for my own good. He wasn’t doing it because it hurt him, but because he knew it would hurt me. I was so stupid for not listening to him.
I opened my eyes to see Nick hovering over me with his laptop. I must’ve cried myself to sleep. He set the laptop down and I saw Alex’s face on Skype. “Alex,” I sighed, and as soon as Nick left us alone, I started to cry again.
“Baby, I hate to see you cry, especially over this.”
“I’m pissed that I’m crying over her. These are angry tears.”
“But they’re still tears, and your tears make me sad.” He frowned, “So smile, please. I love your smile.” I smiled for his benefit, “ah, there you go. Thanks honey.”
“Alex, she was so heartless. I was just another person to her. How could I be so stupid?”
“You didn’t know. How could you?” He was right. I couldn’t have known what a selfish person she was. But I had been warned. Alex had never lied to me.
“I wish you were here Alex, I could use one your hugs, they’re healing.”
He grinned, “imagine me wrapping my arms around you, loving you to pieces. I’m sending all my love vibes to you, are you tingling yet?” I laughed as I felt my arms start to tingle.
“I’m tingling! You really do love me.”
“Don’t you ever doubt that Ally. No matter what, I love you.”
I smiled sadly, “I love you too.” I did. I loved him so much; he was so good at making me feel better. “How are you doing? You hanging in there?”
He smiled, “As much as I can be. I’m tough, I’ll be okay.”
“Good, because when you’re sad, I’m sad too.”
“Thanks honey. I know you don’t have a phone right now, but if you ever want to call me, just tell your Dad and he’ll get me okay?”
I nodded, “Okay. Thanks. If you want to, tell Nina I said hello okay?”
He smiled sadly, “I will honey, she’ll like that.”
Alex always knew how to make me see the good in the situation. I had no idea how, because I was told that he was a serial cynic. He always expected the worst in people and in himself. But I refused to believe it because every time I had always come to him, he knew exactly what to say to make me see the good in any situation. When I was younger, I had shown up for tour sad and depressed because I wasn’t going to be spending my summer riding bikes and playing basketball like the other kids were going to. But Alex had surprised me with a bike, and when I confessed that I didn’t know how to ride it, had taken the time to teach me. The first time he let me go by myself, I panicked and fell off. While I was howling in pain at the blood seeping from my knee, he tended to it, and told me that I would do better next time, because I knew this time around not to worry about it. He was right. I got back up on my bike, confident as ever and rode around the parking lot for hours. Ever since then, he had been my go-to person whenever I needed to feel better.
I took Nick his laptop back and saw him standing in the kitchen with Aaron. “Thanks Dad.”
“You know Ally, this is like, the fourth time you’ve called me Dad in the last few days. Are you turning over a new leaf?”
“Don’t hold your breath,” I giggled, “You’ll always be Nick. I save the special moments for Dad. If I overuse it, you won’t cave every time I do use it.” He flicked my shoulder and I laughed. “I know I’m like, punished until I die, deservedly so, but,” I tried to give him my best puppy dog eyes, “I’m done crying and being sad over a situation I can’t control. Can I hang out with you two tonight?” Aaron laughed and grabbed my hand, pulling me in for a hug.
“We’re actually going to be in the studio tonight.”
I bit my lip, “can I come watch? I just don’t feel like being alone right now.”
Aaron wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we walked down to the studio. I knew that a night with my father and Uncle would do the trick; make me see the good that was hiding underneath all the bad.
Chapter 20
Nick was my good that was hiding underneath all the bad in this situation. He had been supportive, always checking on me to see if I needed something, or if I wanted to talk. I didn’t, but he always asked. The next time he asked, I was going to talk though. I wasn’t good at being a teenager. Chelsea told me that I had skipped over my teen years and went straight into adulthood. I agreed with her. Nick had taught me to talk about things until they were fixed, not ignore them. So that’s what I did. I faced everything instead of pushing them aside and ignoring them.
“Are you listening to me Ally?” Chelsea frowned.
I forked my soggy salad but then dropped it. I wasn’t hungry. “Yeah, sorry, I got distracted.”
“Are you coming this weekend or not?”
“No. I’m grounded until I die remember?”
“But you snuck out before; I bet you could easily do it again.” Yeah, and risk Nick going on another warpath. No thank you.
“Nah. I need to get back on Nick’s good side.”
“Please Ally?” She gave me a pout and I rolled my eyes.
“No Chelsea, find someone else to go with.”
“But you’re my best friend!”
“Just drop it okay? I don’t want to go!”
She sighed, “Fine. Sorry.” She took a sip of her Coke, “How’d Orlando go?”
I shook my head, “I’m better off without her.”
Chelsea nodded, “good. Fuck her. She doesn’t know what she’s missing.” I agreed. “Besides, if I had Nick as a father, I’d see no need to look anywhere else.” I stared at her. “Seriously Ally. I used to dream that I’d have at least one parent as awesome as he is.” She blushed a little. “Of course he’s gorgeous, but he’s so good with you, it makes me sick. That’s why I have to tease you about how perfect he is.” She stared down at her food, “I just wish I had a Dad like him sometimes. You know?”
“Yeah,” I said softly. Chelsea never talked about her home life much, mostly because she was embarrassed about it. But when she did, she always said something profound to me, mostly about Nick. And she just made me feel really guilty for taking him for granted.
“You’re late,” said Nick as I walked into the house.
“I really did go to French Club this time,” I said as I grabbed a bottle of water. “Sorry.”
He stared at me for a minute, “how was it?”
I shrugged, “boring actually. All we did was sit in a circle and talk in French. I thought, you know, we’d learn some culture or history or something. I don’t think I’ll go back.”
“Well, you tried it. That’s the good thing right?” I nodded. “How was the rest of school?”
“Did you know that Chelsea’s Dad cheats on her mom?”
I threw him off guard and he showed it. “Uh, no…”
I nodded, “He does. That’s why she’s a bit reckless. It’s her way of dealing with things.” He didn’t know what to say. “She had asked me how Orlando went and I told her. You know what she said?”
“What?”
“That if she had a Dad as great as you, she wouldn’t feel the need to look anywhere else. And she’s right. I took you for granted and I’m sorry. I never meant to because you seriously are awesome. You’re my Dad, but you’re one of my best friends too.” I took a sip of my water. “So, I’m going to sit back quietly and take my punishment. I’ve learned my lessons and I’m ready to deal with my consequences. I’ll go to school, come home and sit in my room and you won’t hear a peep from me. I promise.” He just continued to stare at me and I turned and walked up to my bedroom, ready to make things right again.
I looked up from my French book when there was a knock on the door. It wasn’t Nick, I could tell. Whenever Nick knocked on a door, he knocked to the tune of his favorite song, ‘Summer of 69’ by Bryan Adams.
“Come in,” I didn’t look up from my French book, because honestly, I didn’t really care.
“Ahem.”
If my eyes had gotten any wider, they’d probably fall out. “Alex!” I was off my bed and in his arms in seconds.
“Now that’s the reaction I wanted to see.” He kissed my hair, “how are you?”
Tears pricked the corners of my eyes, “so much better now that you’re here.”
“Good. Me too.”
“Why are you here?”
He smiled sadly, “We’re gonna be roommates for a little while, that okay with you?”
I knew what that meant. Divorce. I smiled and nodded, “of course. You know how much happier I get when my favorite Godfather is around.”
He laughed, “Considering I’m your only Godfather…” He pulled away from the hug, “I’m counting on you to smother me with love the next few weeks.”
I bit my lip, I wanted to cry again, “how long are you here for?”
He shrugged, “I figure I’m always welcome here, so why not pick a bedroom and get comfortable.”
I grinned, “I love a full house.” And I did. Growing up, I was surrounded by lots of people. When we toured, we were surrounded by people every day. Then at home, we usually always had visitors, whether they were family or friends of Nick’s. A full house reminded me of happy times and that was just what I needed right now.
“Good, cuz I need one right now.” He squeezed my shoulder, “come downstairs for a little bit.”
“I can’t, I’m grounded.”
He chuckled, “well, I unground you.”
I laughed, “No it’s okay. I don’t mind being grounded. I want to get back on Nick’s good side, make him trust me again.”
He sighed, “You’re a good kid Ally.” He pulled me out of my room, “but come downstairs anyways. He’ll understand this exception.”
Alex walked right into the kitchen while I slowly poked my head around the corner. I caught Nick’s eye and he grinned, waving me into the room. “Why are you hiding?”
“I’m supposed to be in my room.”
He rolled his eyes, “you’re excused for the night, come join us.”
I thought a night of laughing with people that I loved most would be the trick to get her off my mind. But it wasn’t. Not only was the thought of her keeping me awake, but the thunder outside was monstrous. I hated thunderstorms with a passion. When I was younger, and the storms rolled in when it was dark outside, I made a fort in Nick’s closet and we spent the night pretending we were somewhere else. He liked to pretend we were sailing the Caribbean while I used to have us on a safari in Africa.
“I knew you couldn’t sleep,” Nick whispered as he made his way up the stairs.
I bit my lip, “You know me well. What are you doing up?”
“Can’t sleep.”
“I was just headed to your closet actually. Remember those nights?”
He laughed, “How could I forget? Those were some of my best nights. You were so creative.” He led me into his bedroom and I jumped when the house shook from the thunder. “So, where are we going tonight?”
I sat up against the wall and smiled, “I just want to go back to a time where I was blissfully unaware off all the bad things in life.”
He smiled sadly, “Me too. Want to talk about it?”
“No. I’m hoping if I ignore it, I’ll eventually forget about it.” That was going to be hard. It was still all I could think about. How she told her husband that I was just interviewing for a job, like she hadn’t given birth to me and then ditched me for Mickey Mouse.
“You know that’s no way to deal with things,” he said.
I didn’t want to talk about it. “How are you doing? Handling it?”
“I knew this was going to happen,” he said softly. “But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just wanted you to not get hurt, but that didn’t happen.”
I scoffed, “because I was stupid.”
“Not stupid.”
I rolled my eyes, “fine then. Ignorant.” I scooted over to him, “if BJ hadn’t of invited her here then I would’ve been fine, but…”
“The bait was dangled,” he finished for me. It was. Once I saw her, and talked to her a little, there was no going back. “I want you to explain something to me Ally.” I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder. “Explain to me what you said earlier, about taking me for granted, because you know that’s the last thing I think you’re doing.”
I shook my head and hooked my arm though his, “No. I was. I was running around chasing someone who didn’t exist when I had someone better waiting for me at home.” When I thought of it like that, it brought tears to my eyes. Because it was true. I had been chasing around a mother who didn’t exist; I was chasing the thought of her, when Nick had been at home, providing me with everything I ever needed.
He kissed my forehead, “That’s not the way I see it.” He squeezed my shoulder, “why don’t we pretend we’re standing atop the Eiffel Tower, just us two, and feeling like we can conquer the world.”
I looked up at him even though we were surrounded by darkness, “I can conquer the world as long as you’ll stand behind me.”
“It’s a good thing I like standing behind you then huh.”
It was a very good thing.
Chapter 21
I had gone downstairs to get a bottle of water, but heard Alex and Nick in the kitchen and decided that I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation. I felt bad for eavesdropping but I heard my name and sat up against the wall, waiting to hear more.
“So, is this like, for real? You’re really gonna go through with it?”
I could hear Alex sigh, “Yeah, there’s no going back. She told me that if I left, I wasn’t welcome back.”
“I’m sorry man, it must’ve hurt to do that.”
“Yeah, it killed me.”
“Then why did you?” That’s the answer I wanted to know. When Alex fell in love with something, he committed whole-heartedly. He was reckless like that. Not that his relationship with Nina was reckless at all. I remember when they had met. He had just come home from Rehab and she was at his side. I hated her at first because I thought she had taken my Alex away; that she was the reason he went into the hospital in the first place. But Alex had fell head over heels, and if she was good enough for him, then she was good enough for me. Not long after they met, they wed, and had the picture perfect marriage ever since. Well, up until now.
“We grew apart, our priorities changed. She wanted one thing, I wanted another.”
“It’s hard when that happens,” Nick sighed.
“Yeah.” They were both silent for a moment. “It’s hard to let a good love go. She was good.”
“Well, don’t write it off yet. You’ll never know if you don’t try.”
“No, it’s over.”
I could practically hear Nick frown. He hated when people didn’t give it their all. Especially me. He used to tell me that you can’t possibly succeed if you don’t try your hardest. Failure just meant that you didn’t try hard enough. I knew he thought that this divorce with Nina wasn’t them trying hard enough to fix things. “Is there someone else?”
Alex scoffed, “No. That would make it easier. She could leave me, hate me, never talk to me again. Then I could beg for forgiveness and try and try and try to win her back. Then I would eventually, and we’d go on our merry little way.”
“So then what aren’t you telling me?”
I didn’t think Alex would answer him. Ever since he went to Rehab, Alex had learned to talk about things, but he always held his guard up. Alex told me once that he didn’t like anyone, especially the people who loved him, to see him vulnerable, because it reminded him of when he was drinking. I had asked why he told me that then, and he said it was because if he got stripped of everything right then and there, I’d still smile at him like he carried the world on his shoulders. And I would. I could care less if he was a Backstreet Boy, a musician, or anything else that he wanted to be. He was my Alex, my Uncle.
“She crossed a line…”
“What line?”
“She wants kids. I’m at a place right now, where I don’t want them. I’ve never really wanted children, and she knew that going in. She agreed that she didn’t want them either.” I frowned; I didn’t know he didn’t want them. I assumed that he had, because he was so good with me. He always knew what to say to make me feel better; he’d be a great Dad.
“Please,” Nick chuckled. “Look at the way you are with Ally. You’d be a great father.”
There was a long pause and I looked up from the floor to see if they had noticed me there or not. But they hadn’t. I had an overwhelming urge to help Alex, and call Nina, begging her to make things right.
“I probably would be for a little while, you’re right. But there are things about myself that I’d hate to see in other people, and if I pass on any of those traits to them, I couldn’t live with myself.” I could hear the deep breath he took, “Alcoholism is hereditary. There’s no way in hell I am putting my child through that. Nina argued that if we instilled values upon them then that wouldn’t happen, but it happened with me. If I didn’t listen, what makes me think my own kid wouldn’t listen. I told her that I was fine with helping you raise Ally. Then she said I was focusing too much time on your goddamn kid and not enough time on trying to make our own.”
I froze.
I heard Nick growl, “she called Ally a ‘goddamn kid’?”
“Yeah,” Alex replied, “it’s why I walked out. I mean, it was the final straw. I was looking for a reason to leave, and that was it.” He left her because of me? “I was pissed that she said that about Ally but,” he paused, “Ally’s like my kid too. She can’t say shit like that.”
“Did she fucking apologize for calling my daughter that?”
Alex sighed, “Eventually. She said she meant that I just wasn’t focused on starting our own family. I wasn’t focused on her.”
“I’m sorry.” They both turned to face me, their eyes wide. I wiped the tears that fell down my cheeks. “I won’t talk to you anymore. Tell Nina I’m sorry.”
“Ally, no that’s not what-”
“You said that she’s upset that you’re worrying too much about my problems instead of focusing on her. If you stop talking to me, you can get back together with her. I promise I won’t bother you anymore.”
I went to leave. I just wanted all the bad things in my life to go away. One bad thing ends and another begins. I felt like betrayal was becoming a constant in my life. “Alexandra,” Alex snapped and spun me around. I frowned, he never talked to me like that. “Stop talking like that. Whether or not this was even an issue,” he gave me a pointed look, “which it’s not, this would’ve happened anyways.”
I looked over at Nick and he was staring out the window. He looked angry. “I’m gonna go back up to my room, I just wanted a water.” I bit my lip, “sorry Nick.”
He finally looked at me, “that’s fine Ally. I’m not mad at you.”
I apologized again and left the room before Alex could stop me again. I just wanted to find a hole to crawl into and hide until everything went away. I didn’t want to live in this bubble where the bad things popped out of dark corners in the middle of the night. They haunted me and when all I wanted to do was smile, I cried instead.
Nothing in Alex’s life was ever simple, I knew that much. His father had fled when he was young, and then fame hit faster than he could handle. It brought on drugs, alcohol and an endless supply of women and he lost himself in the midst of it all. But amongst all the rubble, he had found Nina. They had met in Rehab that much I knew. I didn’t know what she was in there for, but was told that it didn’t matter. Alex had found a way to heal himself in her.
I was afraid that now that Nina was going to be out of the picture, he would find a way to spiral back out of control. I don’t think my heart could take it. It was already starting to shatter, one more blow, especially where it concerned Alex, would nearly rip it to pieces for sure. “Ally,” Alex opened my door and sat down on my bed.
“I’m sorry.”
“Please, don’t apologize. This isn’t your fault, and it never will be okay?” I nodded but I wasn’t fully convinced.
“I just want everything to go away. Find a way to push out all the negative in life and focus on the positive.” I sniffled, “but the bad things are so big. There’s Brandon, Jen and now this. I just want it all to stop.”
“I know baby, I do too. But think about how much stronger you’re gonna be after this…” He looked over at me, “what’s this thing with Brandon?”
“Nothing,” I was not going to burden him with my problems anymore.
“Ally, listen to me. This thing with Nina and me has nothing do to with you. Nothing. She said that because she needed an excuse, and I’m sorry to say that it was you. But it’s not your fault and you need to stop thinking it is,” he sighed, “for me.” I groaned into my pillow.
“I’ll try.”
“Good. Now tell me about Brandon.”
I still didn’t want to, so spilling the least amount of details possible would be better. “He’s telling everyone that I slept with him.”
His face hardened, “did you?”
“No!” I bit my lip, “I mean, I was going to, but…”
“But nothing,” he said, “You shouldn’t sleep with someone until you’re in love with them. And I can tell you right now, you weren’t in love with the fucker.” I blushed.
“I know, that’s why I didn’t do it. Can we not talk about this anymore?” If I had my way, I’d never have to talk boys with Nick or Alex ever again. It was just so embarrassing, mainly because I was so inexperienced that it was obvious that I didn’t know what I was talking about. But I think they liked it that way, which was even more embarrassing. “Can you be honest with me?”
“You know I always will be Ally.”
“Are you going to be okay? Because I don’t want you to be hurt, but I’m not quite sure how to help you get better.” What I really wanted to ask him was if he was going to lose control like he had before, but I felt like that was crossing a line.
“God doesn’t give us obstacles we can’t overcome Ally.” That statement threw me for a loop. Alex had never been religious or spiritual so him channeling God was out of the norm.
“Who told you that?”
“Brian.”
“Yeah well, Brian seems to have the perfect life doesn’t he?”
“Yeah,” he chuckled, “I don’t like him right now.”
“Me either.” I laughed; it wasn’t true in the least, but Alex had laughed. “I know I’m young, and don’t have a lot of experience in anything to go on, but if you want to talk to me, you know I’ll listen and give you any advice that I can.”
He squeezed my hand, “that’s why I love you.”
It was time to push my own problems aside and focus on helping Alex get better.
Chapter 22
My dreams that night were riddled with guilt, helplessness and Jen.
I felt myself drowning and when I looked above the wreckage I saw Nick, Alex and Chelsea staring down at me. But I was stuck inside this sinking ship, with Jen as she clung to my ankle. The more I tried to break free, the more she pulled me in further. No amount of flailing my arms would save me. Then amidst the panic and despair that hit me, everything drifted away. Nick dove under the water, maneuvering through the pieces of the broken ship and pulled me up. I watched as Jen disappeared into the deep water, finally fading out of sight.
I woke up in a sweat, breathing heavily, feeling like I was choking on air. The sound of the rain added to the anxiety of the moment, and for no reason at all, I burst into tears. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. All I wanted was to forget she ever existed, but when I wasn’t thinking about her, I was dreaming about her. And that’s what kept making me feel like I was drowning. I just wanted to forget she ever existed.
I snuck out of my room and went to the kitchen. It was pitch black outside, which would’ve scared me completely but I couldn’t stop thinking about Jen. I stood under the awning outside the patio door and listened to the rain.
I grew up hating thunderstorms but fell in love with the rain. Nick used to tell me that they were explosions of emotion. Mine in particular. If I held everything inside of me, then I would eventually burst, like the clouds, and everything would eventually pour out of me. Whenever it started to rain I ran to Nick and confessed all of my deepest darkest secrets because I wanted the rain to stop so he would know that I wasn’t hiding anything anymore. After a while I stopped believing him but the rain was coming down so hard tonight, I wondered if he was thinking the same thing, because I was holding everything in.
Alex walking into the kitchen caught my eye. He was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels and reached into the cabinet for a glass. Nick rushed into the room and said, “if you plan on bringing this kind of behavior into this house, you are no longer welcome here Alex.”
Alex looked so sad, “I know. I just…I don’t know how else to deal with the pain.”
“Drinking isn’t going to solve anything,” Nick took the bottle away from him and I sighed in relief. I didn’t want to watch Alex spiral out of control again. I couldn’t watch him fall apart.
“I know Nick. Don’t give me a lecture.”
Nick’s face hardened. If he found me here, while I was still grounded, he’d go on a rampage. Once Nick’s temper got going, it was hard to stop it. “Just don’t do anything stupid. Especially with my daughter in this house.” Nick left the kitchen with the bottle, leaving Alex with an empty glass. My tears mixed in with the steady rain that fell.
He came out onto the patio and lit up his cigarette, “I’m glad you didn’t do it.”
I swear he jumped a mile high. “Jesus Ally, you scared the fuck out of me.”
I ignored him, “why would you do it?”
He took a minute to answer, “I don’t know,” his voice cracked on the last word and that’s when I started to cry. “It was familiar.”
I flung my arms around him, “You can’t do that again,” I cried. “Promise me. Promise me. Promise me you don’t go down that path again.” When he didn’t answer me right away I hugged him tighter, “promise me Alex.”
He wrapped an arm around me to hug me back, “I promise Ally. I’m sorry.”
The door opened wider and Nick stepped out onto the patio, “Ally? What are you doing out here?”
“Sorry,” I tried to sneak past him but he blocked the door. “I couldn’t sleep, so I came out here.”
“How long have you been here?”
I looked over at Alex, who was avoiding my gaze, and then back up at Nick, “Just came out now. Can I go back inside now?” He let me through and I didn’t head up to my room, but to the dining room, where the wet bar was. I wiped my eyes and opened the cabinet, taking a handful of the bottles and bringing them to the sink. I unscrewed the Jack Daniels and poured it down the drain. Then I took the Vodka and emptied it into the sink too. I went to pick up the Whiskey but a hand went over mine to stop me. I looked up and saw Nick, frowning down at me. “He can’t do that again. I won’t let him.”
“He’s strong Ally, he won’t.”
“He almost did tonight.” I sniffled, “there’s so many bad things happening to all of us. I just want to make it all stop, but I can’t. I don’t know what to do but I do know that I will not let Alex hurt himself.” I shook his hand off and went to dump the Whiskey down the drain again.
“Alexandra stop,” He took the bottle from me and put it back in the cabinet.
“Dad, we have to help him,” I started to cry again, “we can’t let him go back to that.”
His put his hands on my shoulders and frowned down at me, “Ally, he won’t. I’ve known him a lot longer than you have. I know how strong he is.” He was right. He did know him a lot better than I did. I’ve only ever seen him weak once. And that was Rehab. I never wanted to see that Alex ever again.
“Promise?”
“I promise.” He led me to the stairs, “Now try and get some sleep, you still have school in the morning.”
“Ally,” I looked back and saw Alex walking into the kitchen. I bit my lip; if I said anything to him I’d start crying again. He came to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, “I’m sorry you had to see that baby. I don’t want to hurt you, me or anyone else okay? I promise that the next time I feel like taking a drink, I’ll talk to someone about it.”
I started crying again, “I just don’t want to see you like that again.”
“Me either, and I’m strong enough to keep that side at bay.” He looked so determined, like he wanted to believe what he was saying.
If only I believed him.
Chapter 24
People were starting to notice me at school. They stared at me as I walked down the halls with Chelsea. And I knew they were staring at me because I joked to Chelsea that she had all the eyes on her but she corrected me.
“They’re staring at you Ally. I told you…Brandon told everyone that you slept with him.”
If it had been any other time, I would have been embarrassed about the whole thing. But I couldn’t muster up the energy to care about Brandon and his pettiness right now. Nick was right, after this year, I’d never have to deal with any of them again. It was sad that they were paying attention to me because they thought I did something scandalous. That must be why Chelsea was so popular. Everyone in school knew she got around.
“I don’t want to go to French today,” Chelsea groaned as the lunch bell rang.
“I’m not going,” I finished my water and threw it away.
She looked surprised, “really? You’re skipping again? I’ll join you!”
“I’m not skipping, I have an appointment with Mrs. Palmer to talk about college.” Mrs. Palmer was our school’s guidance counselor. She was young, probably Nick’s age, and had a talent for knowing exactly what went on inside the mind of a teenager at Tampa Prep.
“You’ll have to let me know where you’re gonna go and I’ll apply there too.”
“What if I go somewhere that doesn’t have what you want to study?”
She laughed, “I have no idea what I want to study, but there is no way I am going to a college that you’re not at. Once those college boys get a look at you, they are not going to look away. And I want to be there to help them corrupt you.”
I rolled my eyes, “whatever. See you.” She waved goodbye and I stepped inside the guidance office. I had rarely been in here. I always thought it was for troubled kids and seniors, but Chelsea had practically lived here when she had found out what her father had been doing to her mother. “Hi Mrs. Palmer.”
She looked up from her paperwork and smiled. I hadn’t had much interaction with her in the past, but I knew I could trust Mrs. Palmer by the way she smiled. “Hi Ally, come sit, how are you today?”
“I’m okay, how are you?”
“I’m well thank you.” She turned to her computer and then grinned at me, “You’re valedictorian! Congratulations!”
I smiled half-heartedly. I hadn’t really let it sink in. Nick and I went out to celebrate in Rome, but I still had a whole year to keep it. “Thanks.”
“Have you thought about what school you wanted to go to?”
“I haven’t really thought about anything yet except what I want to study.”
“And what’s that?”
“French,” I smiled. I really did love it. Like Nick had music, I had French.
“That’s great. We’ll do some research and see what schools have a really good program. I know of a few off the top of my head. They’re out of state, I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for, but you can talk it over with you father, and if you need any help, you know where to find me.”
“Thanks Mrs.Palmer,” I smiled. She handed me some applications to the schools and then sat back in her seat.
“Are you okay Ally? You don’t seem like yourself.”
I didn’t answer her. I was trying to deal with my problems myself but that was because I always went to Nick or Alex, and I didn’t want either of them to help me. Nick would always give me honest advice, but this time, it dealt with the woman who had given him a fatal blow. And Alex…
After catching him almost taking a drink last night, I knew I couldn’t go to him for advice. He was having a hard time dealing with his own problems.
“I’m actually,” I bit my lip, “having a little bit of a hard time right now.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I did want to talk about it actually. “…my mother left when I was six months old, and my dad and I came back from Europe this summer and she was at our home with my aunt. Then I met her in Orlando and her husband and kids come in the restaurant and she doesn’t tell them about me. I’m having a hard time letting go of her. I want to let go of her, because I’ve lived without her for so long, and I know I’m better off without her. But I don’t know how.” I wiped the tears that fell down my cheeks. “I’ve spent my whole life wondering who she is, what she’s like…and then I meet her and she’s a horrible person. She tells me that she left because she was selfish, that she didn’t want me, but how she found someone else not long after and had two kids with him. I don’t know what I did to make her think that I’m this horrible person. I’ve been trying to figure it out, because she’s obviously ashamed of me.”
I started to full on cry when she hugged me. It felt good to talk to someone who was on the outside about it.
“Any my Uncle is going through a divorce right now and he’s taking it really hard and I hate to see him sad and knowing I can’t do anything to cheer him up is killing me.” I took a deep breath and took the tissue she offered. “I just feel so lost right now. I don’t know how to deal with anything and no one can help.”
“It’s okay to feel that way Ally. I know feeling lost isn’t a good thing to feel, but I know you’ll find your way again. It sounds like you’ve got a great head on your shoulders and have a heart of gold. It looks like you want everyone to be happy. As for your mother…people change so you can learn to let go. The image you had of your mother was simply that – an image. She wasn’t a role model, she wasn’t someone you admired because she wasn’t around to be any of that. So instead of feeling lost because you found out that you’re mother isn’t what you wanted her to be, just be aware of what’s around you.”
I didn’t get it.
She smiled at me, “is there someone in your life that was like that? That was a role model, someone you admired? Who was there?” The look on my face must’ve given it away because she smiled knowingly at me. “Who was it?”
“My dad,” I whispered, reaching for another tissue. “He was great and I look up to him so much.”
“Then if you don’t mind me being honest…why is it so hard to let go?”
I couldn’t answer that.
I spent a good hour in the office with Mrs. Palmer, and we both decided that it would be better if I left early for the day. As I went to my locker to pack my things, she called Nick told him that I was coming home. When I did make it home, he smiled at me, and gave me a hug. And then he led me straight out to the boat.
“I’m grounded; you said I needed to be in my room if I wasn’t in school.”
He shrugged, “I want to talk to you, away from everyone.”
We didn’t go out very far, the shore was still visible when he stopped the boat. He dropped the anchor and met me at the front. “What’s going on?”
“Mrs. Palmer told me what you two talked about today.”
“About college? She gave me some applications, when we get back we can go over them together.”
He smiled, “I’d like that, but that’s not all she told me…”
I nodded. I had a feeling she had told him. “Yeah…”
“You’re not a horrible person because she’s ashamed of you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“It doesn’t feel that way.”
“Well it’s true Ally. You’ve grown up into a beautiful young woman Ally, inside and out.”
“I just want everything to stop. I don’t want to feel helpless anyone. I can’t help Alex, I can’t help Chelsea and I can’t help me. I just want everything to magically be okay again.”
He put his hands on my shoulders, “Ally, everything is going to be okay. Alex is going to get better, Chelsea will fine as long as she has you, and you have me for anything you ever need.”
It didn’t stop me from feeling helpless.
“It’s awesome that you want to try and fix the world and everyone you love, but sadness is just a part of life and once we move on from the sadness, we’re stronger people.”
“Promise?”
He grinned, “Of course. I’m your dad, I’m all knowing.” I rolled my eyes but hugged him anyways.
Learning to let go was going to be hard, but I could do it. It was the first step in making everything right again.
“Now remember all of that okay?”
“I will.”
“Good,” he bit his lip and started the boat, “because BJ is back at the house.”
My face set in stone. Bring it on.
Chapter 24
BJ had come to apologize. She sat in the living room looking pathetic. Her face was blotchy, her eyes wide with tears and she looked like she hadn’t showered in days. She looked as miserable as I felt.
“BJ…”
“Ally, how are you?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer her. I wanted to tell her the truth, that since she sprung Jen on me, I was miserable. But she looked so horrible that I couldn’t make it worse. “Fine.”
Nick squeezed the back of my neck and led me further into the room. “BJ has something she wants to say to you Ally.”
I looked over at BJ and she nodded, “I do. I have a lot to say to you. And I know you shouldn’t want to talk to me, but please, just hear me out.”
It was the least I could do.
“So talk…”
She looked nervous. She knew she had two strikes against her when it came to me. One more and she’d be out.
Nick went to leave but I held his arm, “can you stay?” He looked between us but then nodded, and made himself comfortable.
“I’m sorry for putting you in that position Ally. I had no right. Jen had called me and asked if she could meet you. I went through the channels and when I told her that you thought it’d be best if you didn’t, she got so upset. She begged and pleaded and I gave into her. I’m sorry…”
No amount of apologies were going to make it better.
“She said that you didn’t really know what you wanted, because you’re just a kid-”
“She’s not just a kid,” Nick snapped. “She’s got a great head on her shoulders and maybe you’d know that if you weren’t screwing up all the time!”
His outburst shocked me.
“I know Nick. I’m sorry.”
“You always say that BJ yet you keep fucking up. You have no idea how many problems you actually cause for us. One more and you’re gone for good.”
BJ looked like she wanted to run from the room. Which she usually did when things weren’t going according to her plan. I guess she had that in common with Jen.
“Stop,” I sighed, “arguing isn’t going to fix anything.” I gave BJ a pointed look, “or apologizing. What’s done is done.”
“I know, but I screwed up.”
“I know,” I sighed, “but I can forgive you.”
They both looked surprised.
“I don’t want to be mad, sad, or helpless anymore,” I looked at Nick. “You said that once we move on from the sadness we’re stronger. Well I want to be stronger now, and forgiving BJ is the first step.” I turned to my aunt, “I’m still hurt that you betrayed me. I know that you grew up with a mother and even though, from what I hear that Grandma wasn’t very supportive for a couple of years, I think she’s redeemed herself. But you had no right to throw Jen in my face when after I decided that I was better off without her. You told me that I didn’t know what I was thinking but you didn’t know what you were thinking. She just wanted to tell me why she didn’t and still doesn’t want me.”
BJ looked horrified, “Ally I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. She said she wanted to get to know you again, that she wanted a second chance. I had no idea that she just wanted closure for herself. I swear, if I had known, I would’ve kept out of it!”
I shrugged, “I believe you.” And I did. I’d only met Jen twice, but I knew her enough to know that she was manipulative. “But you’re going to have earn my trust again, and it’s not an easy task to do.” I looked at her, “but I forgive you BJ. I promise.” I glanced at Nick and he was beaming. He looked so proud. “It’s time to move on,” I said and stood up. I didn’t know what else to say. “I have homework, so I’ll be in my room.”
I don’t know how long I was up in my room for when Nick came knocking on my door. I knew BJ was still here; I had been keeping a watchful eye on our drive way, looking to see if she left. But he brought me popcorn and a cup of hot chocolate.
My love for popcorn started at an early age. Every Friday night during the school year was movie night for Nick and me. He always let me pick the movie, and I almost always chose Peter Pan. But he sat a giant bowl of popcorn between us and by the time the movie was over, it’d be all gone. He used to tease me, how I’d hogged the entire bowl, but I couldn’t help it. Popcorn reminded me of awesome nights with Nick, watching movies and having fun. Then as I got older, it became a thing for us. Every birthday and Christmas he’d get me popcorn, and they’d always been in crazy flavors like blueberry, grape, and vanilla.
This popcorn was just butter, but it still worked at making me feel better. “Thanks Dad.”
He grinned, “I’m really proud of you today Ally. I know I’ve been saying that a lot, but I’m amazed at how well you’re reacting to the situations you’re put in. You’re thinking like an adult and making adult decisions,” he sighed, “I don’t want you to grow up.”
“I don’t feel like I’m being an adult about it,” I frowned. I felt like he was looking at a completely different person when he talked about how adult I was being.
But he shook his head, “wanting to do anything to help, forgiving your aunt even though you didn’t have to, those are pretty big qualities to have Ally. You saw me down there, I wasn’t ready to forgive her yet.”
“Then why did you?”
He sighed, “it hit you harder than it did me, and if you’re able to forgive her, then so am I.”
“I don’t want to forgive her. I want to hate her, but what you said was right. The only way to get stronger is to get through this.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I curled up against him. “Will it be over soon?”
He kissed my forehead, “Yeah, it’ll be over soon.”
“When Alex first got here, he told me that God doesn’t give us obstacles that we can’t overcome. But sometimes I don’t think he realizes how weak I actually am.”
“You’re not weak Ally. Just the opposite in fact.” I scoffed, I didn’t believe him and changed the subject.
“Where’s Alex today? He’s usually in front of the television when I get home.”
Nick tensed a little and I braced myself for another blow. “Nina flew in to town to talk.”
That was a good thing right? That meant there’s hope! “Good, they need to talk things out.”
“I agree, but they’re not talking about how to save their marriage.”
“What else is there to talk about?” I could tell Nick didn’t want to answer me. But I didn’t know why. “Don’t hide anything from me please. I think we both know that if I can handle what’s happened already, I can handle pretty much anything.”
“Well, you know Alex and Nina met in Rehab,” he started and I nodded.
“Yeah, but no one ever told me what she in there for.”
“She didn’t have a substance abuse problem…”
I was confused, “then why would she be in Rehab?”
“She was his sponsor after getting out of Rehab. That’s why they were practically inseparable. And soon that connection they shared turned into love.”
“She was his sponsor? So she helped him get better?”
“Yeah, and he called her up and told her that he wanted a drink. So she flew out here this morning.” I was glad that Alex was smart enough to talk to someone, but I was still shocked that Nina was his AA sponsor. “So before they talk about anything else, they’re talking about that. It doesn’t mean that they won’t talk about their marriage, but Alex’s sobriety is her number one priority right now.”
I was glad that even though they were falling apart, she loved him enough to still help him.
At least someone could.
Chapter 25
Alex and Nina had gone away somewhere. He had come back for a short time to pack a bag. Nina had stayed in the car the entire time while I had cornered Alex into a corner in the guestroom.
“Where are you going?”
“Nina and I are headed somewhere to try and work some things out.”
“Nick told me,” he didn’t look up at me, “that she was your sponsor.” He still didn’t look up at me.
“She still is. And right now, I need that more than I need a wife.”
“Will you be back?”
He finally looked up at me, “not sure Ally. It depends on how this weekend goes.”
“Well,” I frowned, “I hope you don’t come back. It’s not that I don’t want to see you here, it just means that if you’re not here, then you’re with her. And that’s where you need to be.”
“Thanks baby.”
“Once all this sadness passes, we’ll be stronger.” He smiled. “Nick told me that.”
“Your Dad can be smart when he wants to be,” he chuckled. “But I think he gets all of his insightful wisdom from Brian.”
I laughed; it was probably true.
“How come Nina stayed in the car?”
He sighed, “Because she doesn’t want to take the focus away from why she’s really here.”
“I’m proud of you, that you took the smart way out instead of the easy way.”
He slung his bag over his shoulder, “I don’t want to see that Alex any more than anyone else does. I’m not giving him a reason to come back.” He kissed my cheek, “I hope you get everything worked out honey. Call me if you need me.” I wouldn’t but nodded anyways.
He finished packing and I went to my window and waved to Nina. After a moment, she smiled and waved back, but didn’t step out of the car.
BJ was in the kitchen cooking Nick and I the dinner that she promised to cook before she invaded my space with Jen. She asked what I wanted and I told her that it didn’t matter, she didn’t even have to cook. I knew she was trying to win me over, but it wasn’t necessary. Nick wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity for a gourmet made meal. He requested Filet Mignon with all the trimmings. He made sure there were French fries and onion rings, corn, string beans and a decadent dessert. I didn’t care in the slightest but Nick seemed hell bent on making sure BJ slaved in the kitchen.
“Dinner is served,” BJ smiled from the doorway.
I followed her down into the kitchen and grinned when I saw Chelsea sitting at the table. “What are you doing here?”
Nick smiled, “I invited her for dinner, is that okay?”
“Yes!” I wrapped my arms around Chelsea and sat next to her. It was so good to see her out of school.
“I was going crazy without you,” she squeezed me back.
“Aren’t you joining us BJ?” She had put all of the food out on the table but had started to walk out of the kitchen.
“No,” she smiled, “I have somewhere I need to be.”
Once she left I turned to Nick, “you basically made her slave over a meal she wasn’t going to eat?”
“Who cares?” His mouth was full of steak, “it tastes great!” Chelsea agreed, taking a generous bite of her steak as well.
It did taste good. “Don’t you think we took advantage of her?”
“It’s not taking advantage if she wanted to do it Ally. She owed us dinner, and a favor.” I nodded and let it go. I could forgive BJ, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that wanted to make her pay just a little bit. I was only human.
“Do you know where she went?”
“She went to look for an apartment,” Nick said with his mouth full, again. It grossed me out but it no doubt was endearing to Chelsea. Gross.
I grinned, “She’s moving here?”
“She’s going to try. She wants to make a change.”
BJ had a hard time dealing with change, that’s why she looked towards trouble. If she got into enough trouble, then things would go back to the way they were. It never worked, it only brought more trouble, and backlash. After my grandparents got divorced, she had moved in with Papa Bob in Miami. She went out every single night and she came running to Nick when she was kicked out of the house when the cleaning lady found some drugs. Nick never told me what they were, but Papa Bob was so laid back that I knew it must’ve been something serious if he kicked her out. Nick didn’t let her stay here until she got some help so she admitted herself into Rehab. The only problem was that when trouble started back up, she went right back to causing trouble.
So for BJ to say she wanted a change, meant she was serious. I was glad that I was taking a second chance with her. “Woohoo!” Chelsea waved her hand in front of my face to get my attention.
I smiled sheepishly, “sorry, I zoned out there.”
“Well duh, we asked you to join the conversation like, ten minutes ago.”
I laughed, “What are you talking about?”
“You want to head down to the beach after this?” Nick asked.
“You’re letting me out?”
He laughed, “As long as I’m invited and I can drive then yes, I’m letting you out. It’s such a nice night out, we can bring the dessert with us.” He smiled at Chelsea and at that moment, I knew what he was doing, and I wanted to kiss him and hug him and tell him how awesome he was.
He was doing this for Chelsea. I didn’t think he’d really listened when I told him about Chelsea’s home life simply because my outburst was so sudden that it would’ve been hard to take in. But he had listened, and now he was doing something about it.
“That sounds awesome Dad, thanks,” I hoped he caught my double meaning. His wink told me he did.
“Can I borrow a sweatshirt Ally?” Chelsea asked as Nick took our plates to the sink.
“Yeah, let’s go up and get some,” I grabbed her hand and looked at Nick, “we’ll meet you at the truck.” He smiled and nodded at us.
“Seriously Ally, your Dad is the greatest Dad ever. I hate you.” Chelsea squeezed my hand.
“He loves you too you know. You’re like his second daughter,” I laughed. And that was true. We’ve been inseparable since we were six.
I handed her my favorite sweatshirt, it used to be Nick’s and she grinned, “I was so excited when Nick called and asked if I wanted to join you two for dinner. I called out sick to work for this.” I laughed, “seriously, for selfish reasons obviously, but I also really needed to tell you something.”
“And what’s that, you finally got Eric’s attention?” Eric was the basketball center. She was constantly switching between football and basketball players.
“No,” her face softened, “I set everyone straight today for you. No one thinks that you slept with Brandon anymore. I told them that he was just licking his wounds because you turned him down.”
Chelsea and I may have been complete opposites in almost every aspect of our lives, but the one thing we had in common was fierce loyalty. That’s why I loved her. “Really?”
She hugged me tight, “yeah, no one fucks with my best friend and gets away with it.”
“I love you Chels,” I squeezed her again.
“Aww, isn’t that cute,” Nick teased. Then he wrapped his arms around both of us, “Let me join in.” I felt Chelsea’s face blush as Nick placed a kiss on each of our heads. “Now, let’s blow this popsicle stand.”
I had placed the chocolate cake in my lap and had swiped my finger across the frosting. “Hey! No cheating just yet,” Chelsea laughed, swatting my hand away.
“Yeah, no fair,” Nick grinned from the driver’s seat. “So Chels, anything new in your life? Are there any guys I have to kick their ass for breaking your heart?”
I smiled at the both of them; Chelsea looked like she was ready to cry. “No, nothing new. And I’m staying away from boys for a while.” My eyes widened, Chelsea never stayed away from boys. “It’s time to focus on something else right now.” She squeezed my hand and whispered, “taking inspiration from my best friend.”
“Ah good, high school boys are dumb,” said Nick and we both laughed. “You’ll both be in college soon, enjoy this last year happy instead of sad.”
I loved my Dad. And my best friend.
Chapter 26
The picnic at the beach with the chocolate cake and Nick and Chelsea was one of the best nights I’ve had in a while. I think it was a night we all needed badly, and for all different reasons. I felt liberated as I played in the sand with Nick and Chelsea. The weight of everything was off my shoulders for at least a little while and I wanted to it last as long as possible.
“Anyone bring forks?” Chelsea asked as Nick took the cake out of its container. I was officially banned from touching the cake according to Nick and Chelsea because I had swiped half of the frosting off before we even got to the beach.
“Oh shit,” Nick laughed, “I don’t think we did.”
I shrugged, I didn’t need a fork to eat a cake this delicious. I dug my fingers into the cake and stuffed the morsel into my mouth. “Ally!” Chelsea burst into laughter.
Nick did it next and mimicked my shrug. “Tastes even better with your fingers,” he laughed, “good call baby.” Chelsea joined in on the fun and soon enough, half the cake was gone and our fingers were covered in chocolaty goodness. I picked up another piece of the cake but dropped it in the sand. “Party foul!” Nicks mouth was covered in chocolate and he looked ridiculous. “I dare you to eat it still.”
Chelsea laughed with him, “Do it!”
“God Al, when you were a kid, the first time I let you walk on the beach without me holding your hand,” he burst into laughter, “you had to be about three, and you were so excited that you got to run around,” he was still giggling and my eyes narrowed to slits. I didn’t like where this was going. “You ran to a pile of sand and took a huge bite!” Chelsea burst into laughter too. “You started screaming, and the only water around was the sea but I didn’t know what else to do, and once the sand was out of your mouth, I brought you back to the house and,” he burst into laughter again, “oh god, your lips were so cracked because of the salt in the water.” He rubbed my head, “you were so miserable, but you looked so fucking cute. I couldn’t stand it.” They both looked like they enjoyed that story a little too much.
I contemplated the sandy chocolate I held in my hands. Then I smeared it across Nick’s cheek. “Jerk!” I laughed at him as he stared at me, his eyes wide.
“Oh crap,” Chelsea scooted away from the two of us. She knew a war was coming.
“What was that for?”
“For telling that story,” I whined but couldn’t help but giggle. He looked hilarious with chocolate smeared across his mouth because he was a damn mess, and the chocolate that was across his cheek from me.
He picked up a chunk of the cake and started chasing me around the beach. I could hear Chelsea cheering on Nick and I screamed when he grabbed me. He held the cake to my mouth and let out a war cry, “eat it!” He managed to shove the chunk of cake into my mouth but cried out in pain when I bit down on his fingers. “That’s it,” he laughed. He hauled me up over his shoulders and started running towards the water.
“You throw me into the water and you die,” I threatened but really, I was kidding myself. He was going to do it anyways and the only thing I could do was hold my breath. So that’s what I did. I didn’t go without a fight though. I kicked and called Chelsea for help even though all she did was laugh.
“Don’t drink the water Ally! Your lips will crack,” she and Nick burst into another round of laughter at my benefit and when I walked back onto the shore I ran straight for Chelsea. She screamed and tried to run for cover but Nick grabbed her, hauled her up over his shoulder and threw her into the ocean as well. He stood victorious but tumbled down, hilariously I might add, when I pushed him from behind.
The night ended with all of us soaked from the cold water, but happy. On the way back to our house, Nick asked Chelsea what she was doing this weekend, and when she replied "nothing," Nick invited her stay the weekend and see how a Carter truly lives. She raised her eyebrows at me, silently questioning me but I shrugged. I was a Carter and didn’t know how we truly lived. “Why don’t you call your parents and let them know you’re spending the weekend with us.”
But Chelsea shook her head, “they won’t care. It’s fine.” I frowned.
“Are you sure?” Nick was frowning too. But Chelsea just nodded and looked out the window.
Nick’s eyes kept glancing back at her through the rearview mirror. I could tell he was pissed. There was only one parent for me, and Nick showed me more love and support than two of Chelsea’s. It pissed me off too.
Knowing how a Carter truly lived in Nick’s mind meant driving down to Miami for the day. I didn’t think the day needed to start at 6:30am but as soon as Nick said the words Miami to Chelsea and me, we shot right up. Miami meant that I’d get to see Papa Bob today, and it probably meant a shopping spree. Not many of his fans know this, but Nick loves to shop. Not as bad as Alex and you may have to drag him out, but once he’s there, he has a ball, and he doesn’t care what he spends his money on. I used to love back to school shopping because I knew if I’d let him, he’d buy me an entirely new wardrobe.
We had stopped at a McDonald’s and we all loaded up on egg mcmuffins, hash browns and orange juice (coffee for Nick, he said he couldn’t handle a full day of two seventeen-year-olds without an immense amount of caffeine). By the time we had gotten to Papa Bob’s house, it was almost noon. “Papa!” I jumped into his arms and laughed with him.
“It’s been ages since I’ve seen you love, you look stunning,” He kissed my cheek and then hugged Nick. They looked so much alike even though they were decades apart. Nick stepped aside and Papa stepped up to me again, “how are you doing love? You hanging in there?”
I smiled, “I am much better actually. I have the best Dad in the world to help me.” Nick flicked my shoulder and chuckled.
Papa Bob laughed and looked at Nick, “I did good on him huh?”
I laughed, “yeah, you did real good Papa.” I pulled Chelsea up and grinned, “You remember Chelsea!”
Bob smiled and hugged her, “Little Chelsea Caywood, is that you?”
Chelsea laughed, “hard to believe huh?”
“It’s good to see you all, come in; I just need to let the dogs outside before we leave.”
“Where are we going?”
“We’ll spend a few hours on the boat and then head to dinner,” said Papa Bob. I knew we couldn’t get out of Miami without going to Nick’s favorite restaurant. I just had no idea what we were going to do about clothes; his favorite restaurant was more than a little upscale, and Chelsea and I arrived in Miami in bathing suits, and cover ups.
“Ally, I never understand why you only wear one piece suits,” Chelsea frowned at my choice of swimwear.
But I shrugged, “the only people I ever wear a bathing suit around are you and Nick, and he’s my Dad. It’d be weird…”
Chelsea grinned, “Well, Nick’s not my Dad.” I pinched her shoulder. Gross.
“You think after this weekend Nick will spring me loose?”
“He better, we need more weekends like this,” she smiled as we met Nick and Papa Bob at the dock. “This is awesome so far.” I agreed.
“Are you really giving up on boys?”
She shrugged, “Well, people started to notice you after they thought you slept with Brandon,” I could tell by the wince that she thought that they came out wrong, but I knew what she meant. “I know that people only like me because they know I get around, and all the guys think I’ll sleep with them,” she looked ready to cry, “I don’t want that to be the only reason they talk to me though, you know? I don’t want to be labeled a slut, whore or whatever else is written on the wall in the boy’s locker room about me. I don’t want to be that girl anymore…”
“I don’t want you to be either. I miss the old Chelsea.” The mood was getting too serious for such a fun weekend, “although, hearing your stories about your weekends and summers were fun.”
She rested her head on my shoulder, “my mom filed for divorce yesterday.” Then she sniffled, “it was horrible Ally, she told me right as I got home from school and then locked herself in her bedroom with a bottle of Vodka. Then…Nick called and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner and he wouldn’t take no for an answer.” She giggled and wiped her eyes, “I swear he has a sixth sense when it comes this stuff. I was going to go out with Eric, but…I couldn’t say no to your Dad.”
“I wasn’t going to let you say no,” Nick said softly. We both looked up in surprise. I had no idea how long he had been standing there, but judging by his facial expression, he heard the whole story. But then he smiled and held out his hand, “Come here Chels.” She looked at me and I grinned. Nick took her hand and then pulled her into a hug. I couldn’t make out what he whispered to her but when she started to cry, I started crying as well. I hated when Chelsea cried because it didn’t happen often. He held out his other arm for me and I gladly accepted the hug. “Are we done being sad? We’re not allowed to be sad okay?”
“No sadness today,” Chelsea giggled and wiped her eyes.
“Good,” Nick flicked her shoulder. “Cuz tonight we’re going to the best restaurant in the world, and they don’t allow sad people inside.”
I snorted, “We are so not dressed for the best restaurant in the world.”
“That’s why I’m taking you two shopping,” he made a face, “duh!” He squeezed me, “we’ll go to the mall, get some stuff. We’ll probably spend the night here if that’s okay, just head back tomorrow.” He walked over to the railing and looked out at the water, “that you okay with you two?”
“Yeah,” Chelsea smiled and I agreed. I wanted this perfect weekend to last forever.
“Hey Chels, wanna hear about Ally’s first boat ride?”
I laughed; I remembered the story well. Nick had avoided me going on a boat for the first five years of my life because he didn’t want me to fall over the edge. But then he and Papa Bob took me on a boat for the day and I had so much fun. I jumped in the water with Nick, I caught my very first fish, and we even saw dolphins. By the end of the day, I was so worn out that I was, according to Nick, hellish to be around. And when the boat docked, I wrapped my body around the railing and refused to leave, letting them know that I was going to live on the boat for the rest of my life. Nick and Papa disagreed and when Nick pried my body away from the boat, I started screaming. Nick said I eventually cried myself to sleep and when I woke up, I got a lecture that only good girls get to play on the boat.
“…she lived in her bathing suit for a whole week before I finally had to convince her to put on real clothes,” they were both chuckling and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Please,” I rolled my eyes, “you thought I was an adorable child.”
“Yeah,” Nick laughed, “I guess I did.”
My heart was so full right now, I thought it would burst.
Chapter 27
Nick had conditionally un-grounded me.
The conditions was that I wasn’t allowed out on weeknights, which I rarely did anyways and if I did go out on the weekends, I had a new curfew of 11pm, and I needed to check in with him. I hated that last part. I didn’t think he needed to be so strict. I thought it was stupid that if Chelsea and I went to the movies, I had to let him know when we got there and when we were leaving.
But he had said that he was the boss and if I didn’t want to abide by his rules then I didn’t have to go out at all. So I just shut up about it.
Besides, I had more important things on my mind. Sunday night Chelsea had driven home and I hadn’t heard from her since. She hadn’t been in school at all and it was now Thursday. She wasn’t returning my texts or phone calls. There was one thing I always did when I wasn’t sure what to do.
Go to Nick.
I walked into his office and he smiled up at me but frowned when he saw the expression on my face. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t get ahold of Chelsea,” I felt like I was about to burst into tears. “She hasn’t been in school all week and she’s not returning my calls or texts. I drove by her house on my way home yesterday and there were no cars in the driveway.
“What do you think happened?”
I sniffled, “I don’t know! I just know something’s wrong.”
“Okay,” he pushed himself away from the desk and picked up the phone. “Go into the kitchen, makes yourself something to eat, and finish your homework.” When he stopped dialing he looked up at me, “I’ll take care of it Ally.” I nodded; I knew he would. He always took care of it.
So I did what he told me to do. I made some popcorn and started my homework. But I couldn’t concentrate. I had no idea where my best friend was. I was going out of my mind, thinking the worst. Chelsea wasn’t a rational person. She ran from everything, which is why she had a reputation around school. Only this time, instead of running to a guy, she was literally running away.
“You get your homework done?” Nick sat across from me at the table.
“No,” I sighed, “I can’t focus, sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he said, “I can understand why you’re upset. I called Chelsea’s mom, and she didn’t answer so I want you to think.” I frowned, I didn’t want to think because then I tended to overthink, which was never a good thing for anyone. I would imagine Chelsea in a ditch somewhere, or worse, we couldn’t find her at all. “Where do you think she could have gone? Is there someplace you know she would run to?”
“I can’t think of anything, that’s the problem. Chelsea never ran to a place, she ran to a person, but I don’t think she ran to anyone this time.” I caught Nick’s frown and blushed. I didn’t want to rat out my friend’s promiscuous behavior to my father, but I had to consider all of the possibilities. “But I don’t know where she could’ve gone to.”
“Why don’t we drive around town for a little while until we find her,” he got his keys and looked at me expectantly. “Are you okay?”
“I just don’t want anything to happen to her.” I was grateful when he wrapped his arms around me. His hugs never failed to make me feel better. “Let’s start off with hotels, see if her car is in any of the parking lots.” I doubt she’d be there but it was a place to start.
And I was right; she wasn’t at any of the hotels in town. I made Nick drive to three different shopping malls, driving up and down every aisle all the while constantly calling Chelsea. Nick had stopped for gas and I tried calling her one more time. Instead of ringing give times and going to voicemail, it went straight to voicemail. That meant she turned her phone off. “Chelsea, Nick and I are driving all over town looking for you. Where are you? I’m so worried, please call me.” I hung up and burst into tears.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“She turned her phone off,” I cried, “which means she’s been getting my messages.” I wiped my eyes, “why won’t she talk to me?”
He put his hand on my shoulder, “maybe she just wants to be alone.”
“But this isn’t like her, if she’s out of school this long, she always tells me. She tells me everything.”
He turned towards me, “think of where she might be. Is there any place that she used to go to when she was a kid?” He ran his hand through my hair, “Someplace that made her happy?” I was so upset though that I couldn’t think. “Ally don’t worry,” his voice was soft, “we won’t stop looking until we find her okay? She’s probably just hiding out somewhere, didn’t she say the divorce is rough?”
“Yeah,” I took a deep breath to calm myself down, “sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I wasn’t sure if he was talking about Chelsea or my reaction. I couldn’t stop worrying about Chelsea though.
I tried paying attention to where we were, looking at every car we passed but still, all I could think about was that something horrible was happening. I nearly fell out of my seat though when Nick stopped the truck short. “What?” I looked around for another car but the street was deserted.
“Look,” he pointed at the parking lot to the marina, and there in the middle of the lot, was Chelsea’s white Mustang Convertible. I gasped as Nick pulled into the parking lot next to her car.
“Her dad has a boat here!”
Nick locked the car up as we exited, “do you know what slip?”
“No,” I frowned, “but the name is ‘Better Days.’” The marina was huge, I felt like it was going to be like finding a needle in a haystack. Nick and I had started at one end of the marina and by the time we made it halfway through, it was getting dark. I grabbed ahold of the sleeve of his sweatshirt and let him lead us through the slips.
Before we moved into the house we were in now, Nick had kept the boat at a marina. I used to love running up and down the docks, the way they swayed ever so slightly made me feel like I was flying across the water. One year for my birthday, Nick had bought me water color paints and then took me out on the boat to watch the sunset so I could learn to paint it. Nick warned me not to run along the docks with the paints, but of course I didn’t listen, and when we got back, I ran along with them, tripped on a plank and not only did my paints fly everywhere but I slipped into the water between two very large boats. Needless to say, walking on the docks at night is not something I like to do.
“Any sign yet?” I was giving up and I hated feeling defeated. I was about to suggest that we leave when I saw her. The light to the cabin in the boat was on and she was standing on the starboard side looking out into the water. “Chelsea!”
She jumped out of the boat and onto the dock when she saw us and wrapped her arms around me, “sorry I’ve been ignoring you.”
“Are you okay?”
“No,” she started to cry. When she pulled away I got a look at her face; it was bruised.
“What the fuck happened to you?” My worry turned into anger.
“Let’s go on the boat,” Nick wrapped his arm around Chelsea’s shoulders and led us to the boat. “Now,” he started once we were all situated, “what happened honey?”
“I got home Sunday night,” she whispered, “to my mom and dad fighting like crazy.” My eyes narrowed, I didn’t like where this was headed. “He was calling her a whore, telling her that he never loved her, how all of the other women he slept with while he was away were so much better than what he had at home and I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take coming back from a perfect weekend to that. I was tired of putting up with their bullshit, so I stood up to him.” She looked up at me, “I finally stood up to him Ally.” My anger blossomed into rage when she said, “And then he started hitting me.” She started crying again, “Once he realized what he did he left, but I couldn’t stay there. My mom didn’t do or say anything to stop him, she let him hit me.”
I wanted to find her scumbag of a father and hurt him like he hurt my best friend. “Where did he go?” I was seething.
Nick grabbed the back of my shirt when I went to leave to find the motherfucker. “Slow down there killer.” He stood up, “go outside and calm down. I want to talk to Chelsea alone for a minute.” I looked at both of them and then stomped out of the cabin.
Everything was going to so well and then this happened. What killed me was that I wasn’t there to do anything about it. He was her father. He wasn’t supposed to lay a hand on her. He was supposed to love her, protect her and support her. It was hard to comprehend a parent not being like Nick, who was perfect. I didn’t want to know how long it had been going on for but he had been hard on her for years, and she never stood up to him.
My thoughts of revenge were broken when Nick said, “Ally baby, take this.” He handed me Chelsea’s bag, “Take this to the car okay?” I looked at him expectantly, “she’s coming back with us.” I nodded; she was safe with us.
The car ride was silent and tense. I could tell Nick was angry. I was angry and Chelsea was broken. She rested her head on my shoulder and whispered, “Sorry I was ignoring you, I just didn’t want you to see me like this.”
“I’m sorry I wasn't there to kick his ass for you,” I whispered back.
She shook her head, “I saw his face when he realized what he had done. I don’t think he’ll show his face around here again. He’ll make a clean break, which is the way I want it.”
“You’re not going back there any time soon.”
She sniffled, “Nick said I was staying with you two until things at home are better.” She looked out the window, “which means I’m probably staying with you for a while.”
“Good,” I whispered. That way I could keep an eye on her. Tears welled in my eyes when I caught Nick’s eyes in the rearview mirror.
Nick got Chelsea’s things as made our way inside. I got her an ice pack for her eye and when Nick came back into the kitchen, he rubbed her shoulders. “I put your things in the guest room. Do you want something to eat?”
“No,” she didn’t sound like the Chelsea I loved. This voice was soft and broken, not light and flirty. “If you don’t mind, I’m just going to shower.”
He lifted her chin frowned, “your face still looks swollen.” He got the nighttime aspirin out of the cabinet and handed her two tablets. “You know where everything is Chels, just make yourself at home okay?”
“Thanks for everything,” she bit her lip. “I don’t know how I can repay you.”
Nick shook his head, “you know you’re welcome here any time Chels. You’re like family.”
When she left the room I threw my arms around Nick’s waist. He hugged me back tightly, “I can’t believe he would do this.”
“I told you I’d take care of it,” he whispered, “I promise I will.” He kissed my head, “I love you Ally, I just want you to know that.”
I did know that, “I love you too Dad. I promise I won't argue with you anymore about the rules you set for going out. I won't argue with you about anything anymore. I’m so lucky to have you.”
He kissed my head again. “Me too. I don’t even want to think about where I’d be right now without you.”
I didn’t either.
Chapter 28
Chelsea and I didn’t go to school the next day. In fact, when I woke up, Nick and Chelsea weren’t around. The note on the counter told me that he had taken her down to the police station to report her father. While I was upset that I wasn’t there with them, it gave me a chance to collect my thoughts.
Last night had been a jumbled mess. Chelsea had taken the nighttime aspirin and been asleep before I had my way upstairs to check on her. But my night had been riddled with nightmares and worry.
I thought back to all the times that Chelsea ever had a bruise that she never explained. The first time I had ever slept over her house was the last time I had slept over her house. She had always been so insistent that we always spend time at my house, and I thought it was because she had a crush on my father, but I found out that night that it was because her father was an asshole. Like normal kids at that age, we stayed up all night and made a lot of noise. Her father had come back from a trip that same night and was in a bad mood. He had always made me uncomfortable and even from upstairs I could hear him yelling.
Chelsea had frozen and ran down the stairs when he had called for her, and when she came back, she was in tears. We spent the rest of the night whispering. We talked about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I had told her that I didn’t know what I wanted to be, but I wanted to live in Los Angeles since that was where the majority of my family was. Chelsea said she didn’t care; she just didn’t want to stay in Tampa. I told her that she could come with me to LA and then we started talking about boys. But the next morning she had woken up with a bruise on her arm and an excuse that she fell running back up the stairs.
But now I knew better. The bastard probably hit her. He probably had been for a while. I wanted to find him myself and make him pay for hurting my best friend.
“Hi,” BJ smiled, balancing a ton of bags in her arms.
“Hi Beej,” I grabbed some bags and put them on the counter.
“Where’s Nick?”
“He’s at the police station with Chelsea,” I frowned, “her father fucked up.”
“Is she okay? Are you okay?”
“She’ll be okay,” I sighed, “and I’ll be fine once they find him and throw him in jail.” Then she hugged me, which was odd. BJ was not a touchy-feely person. “I hear your shopping for an apartment around town.”
She smiled, “I am. I think in order to fix some things, it’s best I moved back to a place I used to call home. It doesn’t hurt that you and Nick live here too. I have an interview at this restaurant downtown tomorrow morning too.” She started unloading the groceries.
“You went food shopping for us?”
She shrugged, “I was going to prepare some meals for you two so all you have to do is heat them up.”
“You know you don’t have to do this,” I said, “it’s not necessary.” And it wasn’t. She didn’t have to her win her way back into our good graces. I just wanted to move past it and forget about it. BJ stringing it along like she was, was making it harder to let go of Jen because I kept thinking of her.
She shrugged, “I cook when I’m stressed,” she looked over at me, “it takes my mind off things.”
I needed that, “can I help?”
She grinned, “I was going to make lasagna first.”
By the time Nick and Chelsea had come back, BJ and I had managed to make lasagna, chicken pot pie, and Nick’s favorite paella. Nick had fallen in love with the dish in Spain, and one tour stop he had made me try it, wanting me to love it as much as he did. But I just couldn’t. I didn’t mind the rice and vegetables but knowing that I was also eating duck, snails and rabbit made me shiver. I wasn’t adventurous as he was. But BJ was right; cooking did take my mind off things. “Hey guys,” Nick and Chelsea walked into the kitchen.
She still looked sad and her face was still bruised but it was better than it looked last night. “Hey, how’d it go?”
Chelsea hugged me, “as good as can be expected,” she whispered. “I don’t want to be afraid of him anymore.”
“Good,” I hugged her back, “did you get ahold of your mom?”
“Yeah,” she sniffled, “she’s with my uncle now, trying to straighten up before she comes back.” She pulled back, “I’m gonna go take a nap.” She turned to Nick, “thanks for everything today Nick. I don’t know how I can thank you.”
“You don’t need to honey, I’m glad to do it.” When she disappeared he turned back to me, “can I talk to you alone please?”
He led me out back, “is everything okay?”
“Did he ever lay a hand on you?” I looked up at him and he looked angry.
“No-” but then I remembered. He had grabbed me once when I brought Chelsea back late one night. I had run inside to use the bathroom and he had been waiting up for her. He told me I wasn’t welcome in his house and shoved me back outside. “Well…he grabbed my arm once-”
“When?” His fists clenched.
“He didn’t leave a mark or anything but I had brought Chelsea home late, and he grabbed my arm and pushed me outside…”
Nick’s face looked murderous for one wild second. He seemed to reel himself back in but growled, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I frowned, “Chelsea told me not to…I’m sorry.”
“Is that the only time?”
“Yes.”
“You sure?” He pinched the bridge of his nose, “I can’t believe he touched you.”
“Positive. Why?”
He glared out at the ocean, “This isn’t the first time he’s done this to her.”
I glared out at the ocean this time, “fucking bastard.” He gave me a look, “I’m sorry! I know, no swearing.” I slumped down onto our outdoor couch, “what are we going to do?”
He sat down next to me and I immediately curled up next to him, “well,” he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, “she’s staying here indefinitely. She talked to her mom while at the station and they’re both afraid to go home, so I offered to keep her here while they go through the divorce. If her mom wants to file the charges against him, then they’ll go to court…”
“Is she really doing okay?”
He ran his hand through my hair and I felt the tension leaving my body, “she’s strong. It sounds like she wants to deal with it, not run away from it.” She was a lot stronger than I gave her credit for.
“BJ and I made some food today,” I sighed, “she said it helps her relieve some stress so I helped her.”
“I know things haven’t been ideal lately but you’re dealing with it beautifully. I’m proud of you.” Then he chuckled, “you and Beej make anything good?”
“Yeah,” I smiled, “lasagna, chicken pot pie, and your favorite paella.”
“Ooh!” He cried happily and stood up, “let’s go eat!” He led me into the kitchen and kissed BJ’s cheek, “thanks for making us food.”
“You’re welcome,” she smiled at us.
“How are things going with you? Getting things settled?”
BJ hesitated but nodded, “I have an interview at this restaurant downtown tomorrow morning…and yesterday I talked to Jen.”
We both froze, “What, why?” I was forgetting about her, what a bitch she was, and now BJ reeled her back into my mind…again.
Nick squeezed my shoulder, “what’d you talk to her about?”
BJ handed Nick a plate of paella and turned to me. “I told her that she had no right playing with your emotions the way she did. That she was selfish and the way she played you was immoral.”
Tears welled in my eyes, “really?”
“Of course Ally, you’re my niece, she’s just a person who is unworthy of our time.”
I wrapped my arms around her, “thank you.” I had Nick and Alex stand up for me plenty of times, but never a female. Chelsea didn’t count because she was my age but a female that I considered family. It was overwhelming.
“Thanks BJ, that means a lot,” Nick said softly.
She shrugged, “she can use us as her doormat, I won’t let her.” Any grudge that I had held against BJ before was gone. She hugged Nick, “I hope you can forgive me.”
He kissed her cheek, “as long as you keep making me food, I will.” It felt good to laugh, but there was still one more piece that was still slightly askew.
“I’m gonna go check on Chelsea.” I left them talking about the paella and knocked softly on Chelsea’s door. “Hey.”
“Hi,” she smiled. “I can’t sleep.”
“You want to talk?”
“Not about the mess that my life is right now,” she sighed but chuckled.
“Everything will work out,” I promised.
“I know,” she smiled, “Nick told me that too. He promised he’d take care of it for me.”
“He will,” I smiled, “he always does.”
“I want to do something to repay you guys for help, and support-”
“We love you Chels, you don’t have to repay us for that.”
She grinned, “I love you too.” Then she hugged me again, “and I’m not gonna lie, I’m excited to live with you for a little while.”
I laughed, “me too! We’re gonna have so much fun!”
“It’ll be nice to see how a normal family lives.”
Just then Nick poked his head in the door and laughed, “Oh Chelsea, we are not normal, we’re crazy.”
She laughed, “Crazy is good though.” I agreed.
Nick was crazy, but I loved him.
“I just ate a ton of paella, why don’t we go get some ice cream and then come back and take the boat out?”
“That sounds fun,” I smiled. I think we all needed another worry free night.
“I’d like that,” Chelsea agreed.
I think Chelsea living here for a while was a dose of medicine we both needed.
Chapter 29
By Sunday, Nick had to sit both Chelsea and I down to lay some ground rules. Chelsea and I had run amuck around the house the entire weekend. Well, not really, but it felt like old times as we stayed up all night watching movies and attempting to bake cookies.
Nick had sat us on the couch and sat opposite on the coffee table. “Okay, ground rules ladies.”
We had both started giggling. “Okay Dad.”
He flashed me a 1000 watt smile. “There’s not gonna be a bedtime for you two during the week, you’re not babies, but go to bed at a reasonable hour, in separate rooms, got it?” We both nodded. “Homework will get done before you do anything else.”
“We know,” I shot him a look. That had always been a rule no matter what.
“This isn’t really a rule, but we eat dinner together and we talk.” Chelsea smiled and nodded. It actually was a rule. We always had to sit down at the table and we’d take turns telling each other three things that happened that day. I used to hate it and make up things just so I could go back up to my room, but I realized that he just wanted us to communicate. It was another reason why I always talked things through instead of running away from them.
“Nick’s just nosy,” I teased.
He ignored me and turned to Chelsea, “Ally has a rule that if she goes out, she needs to let me know when she gets there and when she’s leaving. I want you to do the same, just so I know where you are.”
She nodded, “okay, that sounds good.” I stifled my snort of disapproval. It was borderline tyranny to me; I don’t know how Chelsea of all people thought it was fine.
“Are you going to be okay to go to school tomorrow?”
She bit her lip and nodded, “yeah, I’ll just need some makeup,” she smiled wryly, “you don’t have any do you?”
I laughed, “I’ve never worn makeup in my entire life.” She giggled with me; it was a thing we had in common.
Nick took out his wallet and handed me a bill, “well go get some.”
“I can pay for my makeup,” said Chelsea softly.
“I know you can,” Nick smiled softly, “but you’re not going to.” He grinned at me, “Want to pick up some pizza too?”
I scoffed, “what about all that food that BJ and I cooked?”
He laughed, “Those are for the weeknights, it’s technically still the weekend. I’ll call and you can pick it up.”
I rolled my eyes but took the bill. I didn’t get his logic sometimes.
Chelsea and I had stopped by the drugstore and gotten her makeup. We had been shopping plenty of times together, but we were shopping for an item to help hide the fact that her father had beaten her. I didn’t like it. I hated that he had taken my best friend away. She was here physically, but the Chelsea that I loved was gone, and I had a feeling that she wouldn’t be back for a long time.
By the time we got back to the house with the pizza, I had lost my appetite. Nick dug into the pizza with gusto asking if we got everything we needed at the store. Chelsea nodded quietly and nibbled on her pizza and I frowned. I couldn’t understand why this would happen. I couldn’t understand how someone could do this. Nick barely ever raised his voice to me, and here Chelsea was, trying to cover up bruises from her father.
Nick squeezed my shoulder and I smiled sadly up at him. I couldn’t fool him no matter how hard I tried.
After Chelsea went to bed, Nick poked his head into my room, “Alex wants to talk to you on Skype.”
I grinned and followed him. Alex had never come back after he left with Nina, which meant that he had gone back home with her. I hoped that she got him back in check and they could start working on their marriage. “Hi baby,” Alex grinned when I sat down in front of the computer.
“Hi! You look great.”
He laughed, “It’s the digital, it takes away my old man wrinkles.”
“Psht, you don’t have any wrinkles old man,” I teased. He was so afraid to get old.
He looked hurt but I knew better, “I’m an old man? You know what that means? Nick!” Nick dragged a chair over and joined the conversation, “She called me old, which means in two years, you’re gonna be old.”
I giggled, “He’ll always be old, he’s my Dad.” The next thing I knew, I was in a headlock and Nick was giving me a noogie. I swear, the bones in his fingers were extra hard. “Ow! Stop Nick!”
“That’s for calling me old, kid,” he grinned.
I shoved him and turned back to Alex, who was laughing at both of us. “Are you back in LA?”
Alex smiled a smile I hadn’t seen in months. It was so good to see. “Yes, I am. We’re both here, and…we’re working on things.”
“Good,” I smiled. “You don’t look good sad.”
He laughed, “That’s a lie. I always look good baby.” I scrunched my nose. I didn’t want to picture Alex as a ladies man. That was like picturing Nick a ladies man, which I heard he used to be…
Gross.
“I hear you have a new roommate to replace me.”
I smiled sadly, “Yeah, Chelsea’s staying with us for a while.”
“Nick said you two were tearing the house apart this weekend.”
I elbowed Nick in the ribs.
“Ow!”
Alex laughed, “And terrorizing him.”
I punched him in the shoulder.
“Seriously,” Nick grabbed both my hands and held them in one of his while he flicked my ear, “stop abusing me girl.”
I stiffened. I knew he was teasing, but it was the wrong word to use. “Sorry,” I whispered.
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kissed my forehead, “sorry Ally.”
I turned back to the screen, “How’s Nina?”
Alex grinned, “Perfect, way too good for me…the usual.”
I shook my head, “you don’t give yourself enough credit. I want my husband to be as awesome as you are.”
“Don’t talk about marriage please,” Nick groaned, “I haven’t dealt with the fact that in April you’ll be 18.”
Alex agreed, “Besides, you’re not getting married until you’re like, 40 anyways.”
I rolled my eyes, “whatever. What if I meet someone in college and he proposes to me?”
“You’re not getting married if you’re in college. You’re not getting married until you have a career.” Nick flicked my ear again, “in fact, you can’t get married until I give you permission to. And I’ll never do that.”
I chuckled, “sorry to say, you’re not the boss of me.”
“I beg to differ kid.”
“Stop calling me a kid,” I frowned. I hated when he did.
“No,” he argued, “you’re my kid, and that’s what I’ll call you.”
I shrugged him off me and turned back to Alex, “you see what I have to put up with?”
Alex grinned, “yes, and believe me, I had to put up with his obnoxiousness for years before you came into the picture. Thanks for taking one for the team.” I rolled my eyes but laughed.
“So where’d you and Nina go?” I glanced at Nick. I was glad that he asked the question that I was dying to know.
“Marco Island.”
“Isn’t that where you proposed to her?”
“Aww, it was?” Alex was a hopeless romantic at heart. He didn’t like his fans to know because he was thrilled with his “bad boy” image that the fans labeled him as. But I overheard him once telling Nick that when he proposed to Nina, he lit 500 candles all around the room, laid rose petals on the bed and had champagne on ice. It didn’t surprise me that Alex had taken Nina to Marco Island to do it.
Alex laughed, “Yeah it was. That’s why we went there.” He sighed happily and it brought tears to my eyes. “We talked, got myself under control and then moved on to us. Things aren’t perfect again but we both don’t want to give each other up.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“We’re gonna go to counseling for a little while, help us learn how to deal with the issues we’re having. When we were talking about AA, we both realized that we pride our relationship on being able to communicate effectively, and somehow along the way, we stopped doing that. So since what we knew to do wasn’t working, we’re going to learn new and more effective ways to communicate.”
I beamed; I was so proud of him.
“Good for you man, what about the baby issue?” I leaned against Nick; he was asking all of the questions I felt bad asking.
Alex took a deep breath, “If it happens, it happens. But we’re not going to try and we’re not going to worry about it. I’m still not convinced that I was made to be a father, but I am convinced that Nina was made to be a mother, and she for some reason, has chosen me to spend her life with, so if I’m the only one who can give her the opportunity to be a mother, then so be it.”
I wanted to reach out and touch the screen. I wanted to hug him. “I love you Alex, you’re such a great person, I have no doubt in my mind that you’re meant to be a father. The fact that you’re worrying about it means that there’s hope. And I bet if you weren’t around to help Nick, I’d be far worse off than I am right now.”
Nick laughed and agreed, kissing my forehead. “And I know you’re worried about some other things when it comes to being a father, but I don’t think you should deny yourself the fulfillment raising a child brings on the off chance that it might happen.” Nick shrugged and squeezed me, “and if it does happen, at least they’ll know that they’re not alone, there are ways to cope and be happy after getting through the hellish part.”
Alex looked like he was ready to cry, and that made me want to cry. I was an emotional person to begin with, but the stress that had been put on me as of late with Jen, Chelsea and Alex, I felt like I could snap at the drop of a hat. “You shouldn’t worry about that Alex. If you do, you’re not going to get very far, and it wouldn’t be fair to your child.”
“I know,” He sighed. “I’m trying, I really am. And you’re right Nick, if it does happen, then at least they’ll know that I can help because I went through it too.” He pointed at the screen, “as for you Ally. You’re not supposed to be so insightful, you’re only 17. I shouldn’t feel like spilling my guts to you. Can you go back to being five please?”
I laughed and blew him a kiss.
“I second that going back to five thing. You’re growing up way too fast.”
Alex laughed, “when is the photo shoot happening?”
“Friday,” said Nick, “they’ll be here all day.”
I turned to Nick, “what photo shoot?”
“Aaron and I are having a joint interview/photo shoot to talk about his new album with Rolling Stone. They’re gonna do it here at my studio since he wrote a bulk of the songs here.”
“Really?” Nick had never let cameras or journalists anywhere near our home or his studio. He had said that his private and public life were two separate entities and he felt no need to intertwine them.
“You’re old enough to see what goes on,” he smiled. “Maybe you can help out.”
“No way,” I said, “that’s your job, not mine.”
Alex laughed, “You don’t want to break into the biz Ally? You’ll have plenty of stepping stones if you do.”
“Nope,” I said, “I don’t know what I want to do. I just know that I want to study French.”
“You can be our translator when we go on tour,” Alex laughed.
Nick looked thoughtful, “that’d be an option, you could be a translator or something.”
I shrugged, “I don’t know. I have plenty of time to think about it.”
“You can translate the songs Aaron wrote for his album into French,” Alex suggested.
Nick grinned, “Then you can really join the interview.”
Alex turned his back to the screen for a second and when he turned back around he said, “Nina just finished making me a fabulous dinner so I’m going to go.” He waved, “Ally, I love you and am proud that you’re dealing with everything beautifully.”
“I love you too. Pretend I’m hugging you right now!”
He beamed, “I just got chills baby, I can feel it.” We laughed, “See you bro.”
“Bye Alex.”
Nick shut the laptop down and I turned to him, “What happened to keeping me out of the limelight forever?”
Nick shrugged. “After the way you’ve handled everything else, there’s no doubt in my mind that you can handle it.” He smiled, “I’m proud of you, I want to share you and show everyone else how great you are.”
I made a face. I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to get out of it.
Chapter 30
Once Chelsea had heard that Nick might make me be in the photo shoot, it was all she could talk about. She talked about how great it would be to be in Rolling Stone and have everyone looking at you. But that’s the part I worried about the most. I didn’t want everyone looking at me. I liked being invisible even though Nick and my aunts and uncle had been scrutinized for most of their lives. It wasn’t anything I wanted to be a part of.
Chelsea said she couldn’t understand; that I was gorgeous and should be proud of who I was and the way I looked. But no one had paid attention to me my whole life because Nick was my father. No one wanted to get to know me because they just assumed that I thought that I was better than everyone else. But the way they treated me made me think that I wasn’t good enough, and that’s why I hated the attention.
If I put myself in the spotlight, I’d just be proving them right.
“I so want to call out of work and be there,” Chelsea whined.
I laughed, “So why don’t you?” I wanted Chelsea there, she knew exactly what to do to keep me from getting too self-conscious or nervous.
“Ugh,” she rolled her eyes, “if I call out one more time, I’m fired, and I don’t want to lose this job just yet.”
“Why? You hate it.”
“I know, but it keeps me from thinking about everything else, and that’s okay with me.”
I frowned, “you know you can talk to me whenever you want to. I’ll try and help you.”
She smiled, “I know. I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.” Just then, Eric walked by and pinched her shoulder. “Hey, we still on for tomorrow night?”
“Oh yeah,” he winked at her, “I’ll be there with bells on.”
When she turned back to me she said, “He finally asked me out on a date. I think it was the playing hard to get thing that made him start chasing me.”
“What happened to staying away from boys for a while?”
She shrugged, “Eric is persistent, and I don’t want to say no.” She grinned suddenly, “but you need to let them do your hair and makeup, and wear a dress.” She changed the subject but my frown was persistent.
I didn’t want her going back to the old Chelsea. I mean, I still loved the old Chelsea, but I knew she was fake. I knew that she stood for something that she didn’t want to. I knew deep down that she didn’t want to run away from her problems, I knew she wanted to face them head on. She’d be stronger if she did that; she and I both knew that.
There were at least four cars in the parking lot when I got home from school. As I weaved my way through the cars, I got more and more nervous. I had no idea what to expect when it came to these things. Nick had never let me accompany him on anything besides tour, and that was because I had to. Photo shoots, interviews, junkets, conferences were completely off limits to me. He had basically kept me in the closet for my entire life so to speak when it came to his career.
So when I walked into the house and saw racks of clothing and makeup strewn all over the place, I got a little intimidated. I grinned when Aaron walked into the room, on his cellphone with a stylist following his every move. “Hi,” I whispered. It was stupid, but I didn’t want to disrupt the atmosphere.
“Hey Johnny, let me call you back,” and he hung up his phone. He ignored the person behind him and wrapped his arm around. Long time no see Ally. How are you?”
I blushed, “I’m a little nervous.”
“Ah,” he chuckled, “don’t be. You’re gonna do great. You’re smart, you’re gorgeous and you got your Dad and your favorite Uncle there with you.”
I frowned, “you’re making it seem like the interview is going to be all about me. They’re here for you!”
He grinned, “Remember that song you sat in on that night?” I nodded. That night was a lot of fun. I had been depressed about the Jen fiasco and had spent the night with Nick and Aaron in the studio while they wrote a song. I had just sat on the couch the entire night, watching Aaron sitting at the piano and Nick sitting behind the drums as they played with melody and lyrics. When they finally got what they wanted, they had asked me to sit at the sound board and press buttons so they could record it. They had walked out of the booth so proud of themselves. And they should’ve been. The song was great, and I knew instantly it’d probably be a hit. The lyrics were honest and the piano and drum accompaniment brought the song full circle. They went to go listen to it…
…and realized that I pressed the wrong button so nothing was recorded. I took it as a sign that I wasn’t meant to be in the same world as them but they both laughed and walked back into the booth to start all over.
“Well, that song is my first single,” He chuckled. “So we’re going to be talking about it. And by that, I mean I am going to tell the world how you tried to sabotage this song by not pressing record,” he winked at me.
“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes.
“Why don’t you go sit in the chair so you can get your hair and makeup done,” he pointed to the chair and a woman waiting expectantly.
I frowned, “I’m getting my picture taken?”
“Yeah, you’re in the photos with us,” said Nick as he walked into the room looking down at his Blackberry.
“But I don’t want to be,” I frowned.
He came over and leaned against the wall as the woman started applying makeup to my skin. I tried not to make a face as she did it; I hated wearing makeup. “How was school today?”
I shrugged; it was all downhill after the chat with Chelsea. I was so scared she was going to get herself in trouble. “Fine I guess.”
“Chels just sent me a text, she’s at work for the afternoon.” I just nodded; I didn’t want to blurt out that I was afraid that she was going to revert back to the Chelsea that hid behind a mask of rebellion. Nick didn’t take to rebellion well. “Don’t put too much makeup on her,” Nick told the woman. I blushed.
I followed Nick and Aaron out of the house and to the guesthouse that Nick had turned into his studio. They shut the door behind us and I blushed when everyone in the room turned to look at me. Who I assumed was the journalist because he was holding a tape recorder blurted, “This is your daughter?” Then he grinned right at me. He had to have been around Aaron’s age.
I blushed and I swear Nick and Aaron frowned at the exact same time. Nick put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Yes, this is Ally. My 17-year-old daughter…” If it could’ve, I think my face would’ve gotten redder. If Chelsea had been here, she’d be eating this up. She never could understand how I didn’t take advantage of things like this.
“Why don’t we start with some photos first,” the journalist said, “Pat, get them up against the wall first.” Nick and Aaron leaned up against the wall and then they all looked at me expectantly. “You too sweetie.”
“Her name’s Ally,” Aaron frowned. I walked up to them but had no idea what to do.
“Hey guys, I’m Pat, I’m the photographer. Ally, if you can stand in between Nick and Aaron and then Nick, why don’t you put your arm around her.” As the photographer started taking pictures, I felt myself getting antsy. Nick and Aaron both moved every so often to change poses but I felt like I was just standing there, not knowing what to do. “Hey Ally, just pretend there’s not a camera here okay?” I blushed; he noticed it too. “How would you normally act around these two?”
“Yeah, let’s not pose anymore,” said Aaron. “Let’s just lean against the wall and talk.” He flicked my ear and asked, “so I hear you can translate my album into French? Maybe I should do it, I love me some French ladies.” Nick chuckled and I scrunched my nose.
“You know, if you Alex and Nick keep talking about how you all used to be with “the ladies,” I’m going to be officially scarred for life.” Even the photographer laughed this time.
The journalist walked back in the room and motioned for everyone to sit on the couch, “okay so let’s get started…Ally why don’t you tell me a little about yourself.”
Nick wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I rolled my eyes. “I shrugged, there’s nothing really to say…I’m just a typical high school student.”
“Yeah, she’s a good kid,” Nick said, “…and still underage…”
I elbowed him in the ribs. This was going to be a long afternoon.
____________
Authors Note: I think updates might be few and far between for a few weeks, things have gotten super busy at work and I'm not sure how much time I can dedicate to Ally and Nick. But if you bear with me, this story is going to go so far! :)
Chapter 31
Aaron was in town for the weekend, which meant that Nick was probably going to be spending all his free time with him. Chelsea had her date with Eric so that meant that I was going to be spending another Friday night alone. Chelsea had asked for help getting herself ready for Eric but I didn’t feel like sitting on the bed while she got dolled up to probably just fling her clothes off in the back of his car by the end of the night.
After she left and Nick and Aaron were nowhere to be found, I sat there feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t have any other friends to call up and I came to the conclusion that I was pathetic. It was a Friday night and I had absolutely no one to spend it with. I decided to get my popcorn and plop myself down on the couch for a night of channel surfing.
But I must’ve fell asleep because I woke up to Nick and Aaron tossing popcorn kernels at me. “Ah, she wakens!”
“Go away,” I whined, burying my face into couch cushion. They didn’t stop tossing the kernels at me. “Stop!”
“Why are you napping? It’s not even 8 on a Friday night, why aren’t you out living it up?”
I groaned, even my uncle sensed I was a loser. “Because I have no friends,” I spat into the cushion.
“Get up,” he said. When I didn’t move, he grabbed the back of my sweatshirt and lifted me off the couch. “We’re taking you out.”
“That’s okay,” I said. I started to lie back down on the couch but he wouldn’t let me.
“We’re not letting you say no. Pizza first,” He pulled me to the door, “and then whatever else we feel like after.”
“Don’t you two want to spend some quality brotherly time? Without me?”
“Nope,” Nick winked at me, “you’re not getting out of a night with us so stop trying.”
“Well then wait,” I frowned, “let me go change real quick,” I chuckled down at my pajamas. They let me change and I grabbed my notebook and shoved it at Aaron when Nick got into the driver’s side.
“What’s this?”
“I translated your single into French.”
“For real?”
“Yeah,” I was bored one night. I cringed when he started to try and say the words. “No, you’re saying it wrong,” I chuckled, “it’s une lumière dans la nuit,” I sang the melody softly, “qui ont inspiré un changement. See, make it float off your tongue. That’s why the language is so pretty, it flows.”
We were stopped at a red light and they were both staring back at me. “I didn’t know you could sing…”
I blushed, “I can’t.”
“From what I heard, you can.”
“No,” I argued, “singing is your thing, not mine. I can’t even press a freaking button to record a song.”
“You know, come to think of it, you never let me hear you sing.”
Aaron chuckled, “Let’s go to a karaoke bar, and get her onstage.”
Nick’s eyes lit up but I snapped, “no fucking way.”
“Hey, watch the language kiddo,” Aaron said.
“Okay Dad,” I retorted.
“I will never be like your Dad,” Aaron scoffed, “I’m way too cool for that.” I laughed when Nick smacked him.
The pizza parlor we went to was one Nick had been taking me to ever since I was a little girl. The place was called Alessandra’s. Nick used to tease that it was named after me because I was a pizza fiend growing up. The woman who owned the pizzeria used to tell me it was true, that Nick and I were her best customers and everyone once in a while, she’d give us a free pizza because we’d be in there at least once a week. Alessandra moved to Tampa from Italy after her husband Tino had passed away. I never asked why she moved to Florida of all places but her little pizzeria was her life and legacy. Nick’s face and autograph was plastered all over the walls and sometimes fan flocked to the place to look at the pictures and see if we’d be there. When Nick released his second solo album, Alessandra surprised Nick with a new pizza she had added to her menu, called Carter’s Pie; a white pizza with feta and parmesan cheese topped with olives, prosciutto and basil. Nick had been so flattered that he ordered fifteen pizzas and that’s all we ate for three weeks.
It’s been a while since we’ve been here and Alessandra was much older now, her gray hair neatly fitted underneath her chef’s hat but she was still as feisty as ever. “Nick!” She stepped out from behind the counter and wrapped her arms around him. He returned the hug and kissed her cheek.
“My favorite woman,” he chuckled, “how are you tonight?”
“Ah, you only love me because I give you food,” she chuckled. Her eyes widened when she saw me, “is this Ally? Oh my…”
“Yeah, she’s kind of pretty huh?” Nick winked at me.
“Kind of? Darling you’re going to have a load of trouble on your doorstep if you don’t keep your eye on her,” Alessandra teased, “her looks have heartbreaker all over them.”
I blushed and looked around the parlor and froze when I saw Brandon and a few of his friends sitting in the back. I caught his eye but quickly turned away from him. “I’m an angel,” I teased.
Aaron laughed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “She only likes to think that,” he winked down at me.
If only he knew…
“What are you three in for tonight? Your usual?” Our usually consisted of Nick’s pizza and a pitcher of Coke but knowing how Aaron ate, we’d have to order a lot more.
Nick laughed, “Yeah, with some fries and mozzarella sticks too.”
I couldn’t help it; my eyes kept glancing to Brandon and his friends. I had forgotten what a jerk he had been; of all the places to see him, it had to be here, with my Dad and Uncle. “I’ll just have a salad and some water.”
Alessandra shook her head, “no, no, you’re too skinny, you need some meat on your bones. You’ll have what they’re having,” and she walked away without another word.
When we sat down in a booth Aaron looked over at me, “so who’s the guy you keep playing hide and seek with?”
I sunk lower in my chair, “no one…”
“Bullshit,” he laughed, “he can’t keep his eyes off you.”
Nick frowned, “who is it?”
“No one, leave it alone,” I snapped at them and poured myself some Coke when Alessandra dropped the pitcher down.
“I’d save that if I were you, you know you can’t handle more than one glass,” Nick warned but I didn’t listen. I sucked half the drink down in one gulp.
“It’s Brandon,” I said quietly.
A look of recognition spread across Nick’s face and his face tightened, “oh really? Think he’ll mind if I go introduce myself?”
“You wouldn’t dare,” I glared at him.
“And who is he? An ex-boyfriend?” Aaron asked but I just shrugged. I didn’t want to bring up the past. Those few days when I completely rebelled and felt horrible doing so, where I almost slept with Brandon and drank entirely too much alcohol.
“Yeah, he was a jerk,” I said and smiled at Alessandra as she brought out our food.
“Well,” Nick gave me a pointed look, “I think you gave him a reason to be one.”
I glared at Nick. “He spread a rumor around my school that I slept with him that night and I didn’t,” I snapped back at him and then I shrugged, “but I guess you didn’t believe me either, right?”
His eyes narrowed at me and his voice was low when he said, “you want to start this again?”
I slumped in my seat, embarrassed, “no, sorry.”
Aaron ruffled my hair, “oh to be a teenager again.” Then he dug into his pizza with gusto. “Forget about him if he was an asshole Ally,” he said with his mouth full, “you’re better than that.”
“Much,” Nick agreed.
“Just wait ‘til this Rolling Stone article comes out,” Aaron laughed, “you’ll have the boys all over you and the girls all jealous of you.”
I rolled my eyes; there was no way that was ever going to happen. I just knew that everyone was going to think the worst of me, that I was shoving who I was in their faces to prove that I was better than them. “Never going to happen,” I frowned, “but I’m fine with that. I’m almost out of there.”
Nick grinned and waved Alessandra over, “Those guys in the corner,” he motioned towards Brandon and his friends, “give them another round of drinks on me.” What was he doing? “Tell them it’s from Nick Carter, Ally’s father, and he knows what Brandon did.” My eyes widened and before I could protest, Alessandra grinned and walked away.
“Dad,” I squeaked out. “What the fuck did you just do?”
“Watch the language,” he said, “and I just wanted to send Brandon a little message.”
Aaron laughed, “Yeah, you don’t mess with a Carter.”
“I can’t believe you just did that,” I sucked down the rest of my Coke and poured myself another glass. This night had just gone from bad to worse. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Alessandra brought them their drinks, and then they all turned and looked over at our table. I wanted to kill my father and uncle when they both waved. “I hate you both.”
“You’ll thank us later baby,” Nick said. “Now eat, there’s a lot of food here.”
I wanted to text Chelsea so bad right now, but she probably had her feet propped up against a car ceiling right about now. I didn’t look at Brandon and his friends as they walked by our table on their way out. “Thanks for the drinks guys,” I heard Brandon say.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Aaron smirk, “any time kids.”
“You’re both so embarrassing sometimes,” I mumbled into my cup.
Aaron laughed, “Yeah but I bet they won’ t mess with you again.”
But I was passed the point of caring when it came to Brandon. I got my revenge on him and even though it didn’t make me feel better, it left the ball in my court when it came to him. His rumor didn’t work because of Chelsea so if I left it alone, he’d leave me alone.
“Are you enjoying the food?” Alessandra asked.
“You’ve outdone yourself again Alessandra,” Nick oozed charm when it came to getting what he wanted. It had never worked on me so I didn’t get why women fell all over him. But he apparently still had it because the older woman was eating out of the palm of his hand. “Send us the bill and we’ll promise not to bother anymore of your customers.”
She chuckled and shook her head, “no, no bill for you tonight. Your food is on the house because you made my night. It’s not every day I can see a look like those boys gave me. They were truly scared. It reminded me of my beloved Tino when we were in Italy scaring off my daughter’s suitors.”
Nick chuckled, “It’s tough raising daughters huh?” He wrapped his arm around me shoulder, “They’re always causing trouble because they don’t know how beautiful they are.” I rolled my eyes. He was so cheesy sometimes.
“Sure is Nickolas, promise me you won’t be strangers around here okay? I’ve missed your faces.”
“I promise Alessandra, we’ve missed you too.”
Aaron laughed when we got back to the truck, “now about that karaoke bar...”
“Haven’t you two embarrassed me enough for one freaking night?” I whined and slouched down into my seat.
“What’s your problem tonight?” Nick frowned. I shrugged; I didn’t want to answer him. As much as I loved him, I was spending Friday night with my father who just intimidated my ex-boyfriend for no reason at all.
“Yeah Ally, you’re not your usual self, everything okay?”
“Fine.”
“Liar.”
“I’m not lying,” I argued, “I’m fine.”
“I get it, you just want to brood,” Nick pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward the pier. “You can brood but you can’t rain on our parade girly.”
Every October the pier in downtown Tampa held a carnival. I wasn’t sure why they held it in October but Nick had been taking me ever since I could walk. I’d stare at the bright lights in wonder and attach myself to Nick’s leg and scream as we went to leave at the end of the night. One of my earliest memories is Alex holding my hand as he took me through the house of mirrors. I remember being freaked out because there were so many of me, my reflection was everywhere in every shape and size. He had to carry me out in tears but Nick made it all better with a bag of kettle corn. By the end of the night I had eaten the entire bag and never wanted to leave. He was right, just because I was moping didn't mean I should bring them down.
I smiled when Nick asked, “want some kettle corn?”
“You already know the answer to that,” I laughed.
“You know those girls?” Aaron asked. I turned and looked at a group of girls from my school, staring at us all. I quickly turned back around.
“Yes,” I frowned.
“You want to skip out and hang with kids your own age tonight?” Nick asked, “it’s cool if you do.”
“No,” I frowned again, “they’re not my friends.” I didn’t have any friends besides Chelsea, I didn’t know how many times I needed to remind Nick of that sad fact.
“You gotta have some friends Ally,” Aaron frowned and I got angry.
“I have Chelsea,” I snapped, “and that’s it. I don’t know how many times I need to repeat that.” I turned and walked away; I didn’t want to embarrass myself even more.
Aaron caught up to me quickly though and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, “I didn’t mean to make you mad,” he frowned, “sorry.”
I suddenly felt defeated; my emotions were one giant rollercoaster tonight. “It’s just embarrassing. I don’t know why everyone at school hates me.”
“I doubt they hate you Ally. They’re just intimidated.”
“No,” I argued, “they hate me. And I hate that I have no idea what I did to them.”
Nick joined us with my bag of kettle corn and frowned down at me, “okay, seriously Ally, what’s with you tonight?”
“I don’t feel good.” I moved when he pressed his hand against my forehead to check my temperature, “no I mean, about myself.” And because I didn’t want to talk about it, I said, “it’s stupid.”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing,” I frowned. It was Aaron’s last night with us before he left for more promotion and I had no idea how long it would be until I would see him again. “Kettle corn will make me feel better, and a night at the fair with my Dad and my uncle.”
It probably wouldn’t make me feel better, but at least it was a distraction.
Chapter 32
Chelsea had come home sooner than expected and found me in my room. She plopped down on my bed and asked, “How was your night?”
I just shrugged. The night had gotten considerably better. Nick and Aaron had made a pact to go on every single ride and dragged me along with them. After causing a ruckus in the funhouse, we all got stopped by some girls. Some I recognized and some I didn’t. They wanted autographs and pictures. Nick and Aaron were gracious enough to oblige but I declined when some girls asked if I could join the pictures too. It was only after Nick grabbed my shirt sleeve and hugged me to him as one girl snapped a picture that I finally gave in. The girls that I did recognize thanked me and told me they’d see me in school on Monday. Aaron and Nick gave me a smug smile as they pulled me towards the photo booth. Aaron gloated that I’d probably be the most popular girl in school come Monday but I vehemently denied that because I knew it wasn’t true. And I think I gained some more enemies when Nick, Aaron and I spent a good half hour in the photo booth taking every kind of crazy picture imaginable. But they had made me laugh and forget about why I was sad that night.
I showed Chelsea the string of pictures and she burst into laughter, “these are awesome! Oh my God, I love your Dad,” she gushed. She pointed to a picture of Nick and Aaron on both sides of me, each kissing my cheek, “This is the great picture ever.”
I laughed, “Yeah it is pretty great.”
“This one too,” she laughed and showed me the picture of Nick and Aaron making goofy faces at the camera and me stuck in the middle, laughing hysterically.
“It was a good night,” I smiled.
“So you wanna hear about my night with Eric?”
Not particularly but I knew she’d tell me anyways. “You slept with him didn’t you,” It wasn’t a question because I knew it was probably true.
But Chelsea frowned, “you think I’m a slut don’t you.”
“You’re only a slut if you do it just to do it.”
She sighed, “Well, I didn’t sleep with him. I was going to but…I thought of your Dad and I stopped.”
I chuckled, “I would think the thought of my Dad would make you want to? Aren’t you in love with him?”
She rolled her eyes, “No, I’m not in love with him. I just want him to be my Dad. He’s perfect.” She sighed, “Besides, Nick’s right; high school boys are dumb. What else did you guys do tonight?” I grinned at her; I was proud. I was desperately hoping that she wouldn’t revert back to the old Chelsea.
“We went to Alessandra’s,” I started. “And Brandon and a couple of his friends were there.”
Her eyes widened, “are you serious? What’d you do?”
I scowled, “nothing, but Nick sent over a round of drinks on him and when they looked over at us Nick and Aaron waved at them. Then as they left, Brandon thanked them for the drinks and Aaron was like ‘any time kids.’” Chelsea gasped and I nodded. “I know, it was horrible.” I sighed, “Then we went to the fair at the pier and as we were coming out of the funhouse Ashley Reynolds and a couple of her friends asked Nick and Aaron for their autographs.”
Chelsea burst into laughter, “are you serious? What a bitch.” I shrugged, it didn’t matter anymore.
“Yeah, then as they were leaving, they said they’d see me in school on Monday.” I sighed, “So what did you and Eric do; besides not have sex?”
“He took me to a movie that sucked really bad.” She smirked, “I didn’t see much of it anyways.” Then she rolled her eyes, “then after that we went through the drive-thru at McDonalds and then drove to an empty parking lot. All I could think about was that weekend Nick took us down to Miami and insisted on stopping at McDonalds so he could get as much caffeine as he could because he couldn’t deal with us without it. After we ate, we started fooling around but then,” she made a face, “he burped and I told him to take me home. Showing gas on the first date is so not attractive.”
I laughed, “So I take it no second date either.”
She frowned again, “no. I’m staying away from boys for real this time. And make sure I do because you know my weakness.”
I smiled, “okay, I promise.” But Chelsea had never listened to me before, so I wasn’t sure why this time was going to be any different.
“I didn’t tell you, but I talked to my mom a few days ago,” she said softly. “She filed the divorce papers and because she’s pressing assault charges, there’s a court date in like, two weeks.” She frowned, “I know you knew this, but that’s why I went out with Eric. I don’t want this to be real. I want to be that happy, oblivious little girl who wanted to be a princess when she grew up. I don’t want to be this broken child who doesn’t know how to deal with blow after blow.” I nodded; I felt the same way. “Blah, I have to work tomorrow morning so I guess I should head to bed. After work though, we should hang out.”
I smiled, “Yeah, maybe I can convince Nick to let us take the boat out by ourselves.”
She laughed, “That’d be awesome, give him those puppy eyes, I know he can’t resist those.” I laughed as she walked out of the room. I had a feeling that he’d let me take the boat out anyways; anything to try and cheer me up. I curled up under my covers and closed my eyes, glad that the night had turned out better than I thought it was going to be.
Those two glasses of Coke that I had sucked down at Alessandra’s was taking a toll on me. I was trying to fight off a headache by sitting in the kitchen and chugging glass after glass of water. I didn’t want to get dehydrated. “Can’t sleep baby?”
I frowned in the dark at Nick, “no.”
“Those Cokes coming back to haunt you?” I nodded and reached for him. I suddenly felt like I needed a hug. “You sure you don’t want to tell me what’s bothering you?”
I sighed; I knew I was eventually going to spill my guts to him. “I’m not happy.” He ran his fingers through my hair to try and calm me down, but instead, it made me start to cry. “I just don’t really understand why everyone at school hates me. I didn’t do anything to them. And it used to not bother me…but it does now.” I sniffled, “it’s not like they say anything mean; they just ignore me, which is almost worse. I’m afraid when the magazine comes out; they’re all going to start saying things, because they’ll think that I’m some snotty daughter of a celebrity.”
“Ally, they’re not worth your time if they think that about you. You’re a gorgeous young adult who is smart, caring and selfless. You’re strong and independent and I don’t want you to feel like you need to be liked to be accepted, because you don’t.” I didn’t respond; just hugged him tighter and sniffled. He sighed and said, “Come with me.”
I followed him out the door and into his studio. “Are you going to sing to me?” I asked as I wiped my eyes.
“No,” he responded, “you’re going to sing with me.” I blushed and shook my head but before I could verbally protest he said, “When I was your age, I was singing professionally, but I was doing it mainly because it gave me an outlet to let everything out. I’ve tried so hard to give you stability because I never had it, and when I found singing, and found out that I was good at it, it gave me the confidence that I always lacked in myself. And I know you always say that singing is my thing, not yours, but it might be a stepping stone to another creative outlet that is bursting at your seams.”
“What if I’m horrible at it and everyone laughs?”
“I don’t think you should hold yourself back because you’re afraid of what people might think…” I knew he was right but I was afraid. “There’s this song that I want you to sing with me,” he said softly.
I highly doubt that I could keep up with Nick Carter when it came to singing.
“I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, about how you must be feeling about everything that’s been happening,” his voice was soft and it brought tears to my eyes. “And I wrote a song about you, that I want you to sing on with me.” I just stared at him incredulously. He had never written a song about me before, but had always sang me songs. Paul Simon’s “Father and Daughter,” was my favorite but he loved singing Bob Carlisle’s, “Butterfly Kisses,” because it reminded him of times when he thought he wasn’t doing anything right, and when he’d tuck me into bed at night, I’d tell him I loved him and he’d rub my hair and think of what our lives would be like when I was all grown up. My emotions have been a complete rollercoaster lately, and I had a feeling that this song he had written me was about to make me fall off the ride completely. “I wrote you a song and it won’t be complete unless you sing it with me. And this could be the last time you ever sing a note, but hopefully it’ll make you realize that there are other ways to find your voice other than the obvious.”
I watched as he went into the booth and grabbed his guitar. He sat next to me on the couch and ran his hand over my hair.
Then he started to strum.
Well, it’s hard to live in front of the world.
There’s only so much that you can pretend.
Write down what it is you’re thinking,
Take each day as it comes.
You never know what’s hanging ‘round the bend.
And as far from the world as we get,
I can swear that the two of us will always be the same.
Figure out what it is you believe in,
And if you must choose, try not to trade your fortune in for fame.
And you’ll learn, learn, learn.
You’ll wait your turn, turn, turn.
And you’ll get sick on the way,
By the things that people say.
It’ll break your heart against the wind,
But you will just keep breathing in.
Well, if you’re scared to live in front of the world,
I’ve got news for you, you should be then.
When your confidence gets low and you’ve got nowhere to go,
Just remember how you felt about me and our friends.
And we’ll learn, learn, learn.
We’ll wait out turn, turn, turn.
And we’ll get sick on the way
By the things that people say.
It’ll break out hearts against the wind,
But we will just keep breathing in.
Watch the way you fall in love,
‘Cause if you’re smart, you’ll take it slow.
And don’t ask me about it, cause I don’t know,
‘cause I don’t know, know, know.
But I’m gonna learn, learn, learn.
I’ll take my turn, turn, turn.
If I get sick on the way,
By the things that people say.
It’ll break my heart against the wind,
But I will just keep breathing in.
As soon as he put the guitar on the coffee table, I wrapped my arms around him and cried my eyes out. “Hey don’t cry. I hate it when you do.”
I wiped my eyes and pulled away, “How-how did you know exactly what I was feeling?”
He chuckled and wiped a stray tear that made its way down my cheek, “because half of me runs through you baby. You’re not quite so oblique to me.”
“I don’t want to ruin the song,” I whispered. It was a piece of perfection and I didn’t want to touch it because I knew that I’d ruin it somehow.
He chuckled again, “the song won’t be complete without you on it. What do you say?”
I smiled up at him, “okay. I’ll do it.”
He smiled a smile that always used to assure me that I was doing something good. He picked up his guitar again and started to strum, teaching me the parts he wanted me to sing. It turns out I was just complimenting his parts instead of singing them solo, which I liked much better. And after he told me how beautiful I sounded, I started to rethink my no singing policy. Nick was right, it did make me feel good, and singing a song as beautiful as this made me feel even better. When he told me it was time to step into the booth I got nervous because I had never done this before. But Nick sat next to me the whole time, holding my hand and making me laugh. And after we recorded a rough cut he handed me the guitar and showed me how to play some chords. And when I started to recognize the tune to his favorite song, he grinned and laughed and told me that it was his dream to teach me how to play this song. So when I felt confident enough to play on my own, he hopped on the drums and told me that we were about to have our very first jam session. As I continued to strum the chords, he started to sing, and when the chorus hit, I joined him.
And I used my father’s music to heal myself.
End Notes:
The song I used is called "In Front of the World," by one of my favorite bands, Stephen Kellogg & the Sixers. I've never seen them live, but check out a live performance of the song here.
Chapter 33
Ever since that night in the studio, I had been singing. I didn’t want to turn it into a profession and follow in Nick’s footsteps, but he was right; I loved the way it made me feel. And according to Nick, I was a natural. I knew every single song of Nick’s by heart and sang the ones that were the most cathartic to me. “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely,” an oldie was for Jen. “Poster Girl,” another oldie was for Chelsea. “Unmistakable,” one of my favorite songs, was for whoever was out there that I haven’t met. That was the song I sang the most. I hated not knowing what was out there and how people would react to me. I knew Nick had been right; that ultimately it doesn’t matter…but I couldn’t believe that wholeheartedly.
Because there was still a hole in my heart that needed to be filled.
Nick had told Alex about my new endeavor and demanded that I get on Skype to sing it to him but I refused. But Nick had dragged me to the computer anyways and broke out his guitar. “Hi baby,” Alex grinned at me.
“Hi Alex,” I smiled back, “I’m still not singing for you.”
He gave me his lethal puppy eyes, “But you love me don’t you?”
I scowled at him, “you know I do, but it doesn’t mean I’ll sing for you.”
“What are you so afraid of?” He sighed, “You think I’ll laugh? You seriously think that I, Alexander McLean, the love of your life, would laugh at you?”
I laughed. He did have a point, but I still wasn’t sold. “Sorry Alex, I’m a one woman girl and Nick’s already heard the goods.”
Nick laughed, “yeah but I don’t mind sharing you.” I elbowed him in the ribs. “C’mon Ally, just this one time. And I mean, there’s already a recorded version…”
“Yeah, and the next time I see Nick, he can slip me a copy, and just to spite you, I can send it off to a local radio station and then the entire world will hear your beautiful pipes.” I stared at him incredulously. He wouldn’t dare…
I knew the only thing to get him to shut up was to give in. I turned back to Alex, “because I love you, and you’ll probably annoy the hell out of me until I give in…fine, I will sing for you my love,” I sighed dramatically, which caused Alex to burst into laughter. “It’s going to cost you though.”
“Oh yeah? Cost me what?”
“A visit,” I grinned.
They both chuckled and Nick started to tune his guitar. “Well, it just so happens that I will be in the area in about two weeks. Nina has some work to do over in Orlando and I thought I’d pop over and see my favorite person named Ally.”
I laughed, “Awesome! I can’t wait to see you.”
“Damn. I fly to LA in two weeks, I was hoping we could catch up,” Nick frowned.
“Nina and I will only be in town for a few days, how long you in LA for, a week?”
“Two,” said Nick and I looked up at him. He never traveled for more than a week at a time when I was in school - the whole wanting me to have stability issue. He grinned down at me, “as much as I don’t like it, you’re old enough to stay by yourself for long periods of time. And even though it scares me to leave you and Chelsea alone in a house for two weeks, I trust you both.”
I smiled, “it’s fine, as long as you promise not to show the song to anyone.”
He feigned innocence, “would I ever do that?”
“Yes,” Alex and I responded at the same time. “Now let me hear this future number one.”
I rolled my eyes but sat up straight when Nick started to strum. I closed my eyes and got lost in the music and the words. Nick was pitch perfect, and together, we sounded perfect. When I opened my eyes again, Alex’s expression was unreadable. “It’s called ‘In Front of the World,’” said Nick when he put his guitar down.
“That…was awesome,” Alex said softly. “You seriously wrote that Nick?”
I looked at him with pride when he nodded, “for this little one.”
I chose to ignore the ‘little one’ comment. Alex grinned at me, “I can’t believe he convinced you to sing. I’ve been trying to get you to for years. And, I was right, your voice is unbelievable.” I blushed at the compliment and Nick wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“Isn’t it? I was blown away.” I elbowed him in the ribs again.
“And don’t think I didn’t notice the look on your face girly. You look exactly like your father when you sing…like at that moment, it’s the only thing that matters…like it’s a glue that holds all your jumbled pieces together.” I rolled my eyes at his metaphors even though they were slightly true.
“It’s a once in a lifetime thing boys.”
“We’ll see,” they said in unison and I frowned.
Chelsea couldn’t shut up about the Homecoming Dance. She’d been trying to convince me to go, but I hadn’t been to one yet; I didn’t want to break my streak.
“Ally, it’s the last one you’ll ever go to, you don’t want to leave high school thinking that you didn’t live out your last year to the fullest.”
But she was wrong; I could definitely live out my senior year to the fullest without going to the Homecoming. “I don’t think I’m going to be written out of the books if I don’t go to the dance Chels.”
She looked like she was ready to drop to her knees and beg me. “Please Ally? Come with me. This will be a perfect night to sort of forget all the shit that’s been happening lately and we can dance the night away.”
I frowned, “you can dance the night away with your date.” But she did have a point; it’d be a nice excuse to forget all the bad things that surrounded us lately.
“You’re my date; remember the whole staying away from boys thing? That includes the Homecoming Dance.”
“But that means I have to buy a dress,” I whined. Homecoming at Tampa Prep was like a dressed down Prom. Guys wore dress shirts and girls wore frilly dresses and it was something I absolutely did not want to be a part of.
“We can go shopping!” Chelsea clapped excitedly and I think the reason for all her enthusiasm was for the both of us, because I was rolling my eyes. “Let’s go to the mall!”
She grabbed my hand and pulled me off the floor. The last thing I wanted to do was spend my Saturday at the mall, shopping for dresses…and high heels. Nick and Aaron were both in the kitchen, each with their glasses on and each had their nose buried in notebooks. “If you two weren’t eight years apart, I’d swear you could be twins.”
Aaron laughed, “Triplets darling, I already have a twin.”
I chuckled, “yes but Angel never comes to see me.”
“You two heading out?” Nick looked up from his notebook just enough so he could peer at us. But he gave us his full attention when he saw the look of disdain on my face.
“Yes,” Chelsea grinned, “we’re going shopping for dresses for Homecoming.”
Nick’s face broke out into a grin, “Ally’s willingly going?”
“No,” I frowned, “I’m being forced against my will. Are you sure I’m still not grounded? Because, I don’t have to go.”
“No, no,” Nick said quickly, “I think you and Chels should go.”
“You have dates yet?” Aaron asked and then Nick frowned.
“Just each other,” said Chelsea. “It’s not going to be as much fun if we bring along boys.”
Aaron laughed, “That’s the spirit Chels. Have fun you two.”
“Use the credit card I gave you,” said Nick, and then he grinned, “For the both of you.” I tried to hide my smile. Nick had given me a credit card last year to use for emergencies only when he was traveling. I had never used it for emergencies before, but more than once, when I asked to go somewhere, he told me to take it and use it.
“No,” Chelsea protested, “you don’t have to do that.”
Nick winked at her, “I know I don’t, but I want to. While you’re here, you’ll be treated the same way I treat Ally.”
“Yeah, and he spoils her,” Aaron laughed.
I frowned, “I’m not spoiled. I buy the things I want, and if I ask for something, Nick makes me work for it.”
“He made you work for the Mercedes sitting in the driveway?”
I blushed but Nick said, “It was her birthday gift. Every girl needs a car for her sixteenth birthday.” Then he waved us out, “Go before he starts spewing more lies. Have fun girls.”
If he meant fun as in torture, then I was sure going to have it.
I was right, dress shopping was torture. We drove to the mall and Chelsea dragged me around from store to store until she spotted a bridal boutique.
“Um, I am so not going in there.”
Chelsea frowned, “why not? I bet they’ll have cute dresses.”
I snorted, “For getting married yeah. Chels, it’s just Homecoming, it’s not prom or a wedding.”
“So? We can just look. I bet we’ll be the two hottest girls in the room if we find killer dresses here.”
“Fine,” I sighed, “we’ll look, but I doubt we’ll find anything.”
But, of course, we did find something, for each of us. I didn’t hide my annoyance for Homecoming, but when I saw it, I literally gasped. It was hanging on a mannequin, and it was simple, but I was a simple kind of girl. Chelsea grinned at me when she saw the look on my face and I wanted to tell her to shut up, but I couldn’t stop staring at the dress. It was white with some sequins detail along the bottom and a one shoulder with a subtle ruffle along the top hem. When the sales lady saw me gawking at it, she brought me to the dressing room with the dress in hand. When I showed Chelsea, she gasped too.
“Holy shit Ally, this dress was made for you.”
“I love it,” I whispered, staring at my reflection. It was a little short for my taste, it hung a little above my mid-thigh, but I actually felt gorgeous in it. “I’m so buying this dress.”
Chelsea grinned, “Perfect!” Then she turned to the sales lady, “she needs shoes and some accessories to go with this too.” I turned back to the mirror to stare at myself again. I couldn’t believe that in this dress, I looked like that. I didn’t want to take it off.
When I came out of the dressing room I turned to Chelsea, “now let’s find you a dress.”
She frowned just a little, “I really don’t want your Dad paying for it.”
I smiled, “he loves you Chels. He spoils the ones he loves.”
She rolled her eyes, “If I ever win the lottery, I am so giving him a million dollars.”
I laughed, “And he so wouldn’t accept it, you know that.”
“Okay, so what do you think I’d look good in?”
“You look good in anything, you have the perfect body,” I rolled my eyes. It really wasn’t fair.
Chelsea laughed, “I have the perfect body? Are you serious? Ally, you have the longest legs I’ve ever seen on a human before. You’re skinny, your boobs aren’t too big or too small, and you have blonde hair and blue eyes so clear they almost look gray.” She made a face, “if you look up perfection in the dictionary, there’d be your picture next to it.” I blushed and rolled my eyes.
I so didn’t believe that.
“Whatever, let’s find you a dress that makes you look like perfection.”
“Yeah, I can be a tease, show all those boys what they’re missing now that I’m done with them,” she giggled.
Chelsea ended up finding a dress that seemed to be made for her as well. It wasn’t as simple as mine, but it screamed Chelsea. It was a slate gray one shoulder gown that had a gathering of fabric down the side of the dress and a split that came up almost to her hip. But she looked fabulous in it.
I tried not to wince when the sales lady rang everything up, and when I handed Nick the receipt I’d probably run and hide afterwards, but Chelsea and I were happy and I knew he’d think that that was all that mattered.
Once we left the boutique, Chelsea turned to me. “Okay, since Nick bought the dresses, how about I buy lunch?”
I grinned, “sounds perfect.”
Chapter 34
I didn’t want to go to the dance tonight. Chelsea was beyond excited and I really tried to be for her sake, but I couldn’t muster up the excitement. Nick had surprised the both of us by bringing us a stylist over to help us with hair and makeup.
“Hey girls,” Nick grinned, “This is Isaac, a friend of mine.” I smiled at the man; he looked to be about Nick’s age but unlike my father, this guy was gorgeous, but could tell instantly that he was gay. “He’s a hair and makeup artist, I thought he could help you two get ready for tonight.”
“Really?” Chelsea looked like she was ready to burst.
“I heard this is your very first dance,” Isaac grinned at me, “let’s make you look like a knockout.”
I saw Nick frown, “Not a knockout,” and all three of us looked at him, “I mean, she’s beautiful no matter what, just enhance…that.” He looked uncomfortable and Isaac laughed.
He pinched Nick’s cheek, “you’re so cute when you’re protective.” Chelsea laughed and I blushed. “Who wants to go first?”
I turned to Chelsea, “why don’t you go first, I’m hungry.”
Nick followed me into the kitchen, “what do you want to eat?”
“What do we have?”
He looked through the refrigerator and freezer and frowned, “nothing. I need to go food shopping.”
“Can we order some subs?” I grinned when his face lit up. “I want a steak and cheese with barbeque sauce.”
Nick pretended to gag. If there was one thing Nick hated; it was barbeque sauce. I was ten when I first had it. We had gone down to Miami for a weekend to visit Papa Bob and we went to a sports bar for dinner and also so they could watch the football game. I had ordered chicken fingers and they brought me a side of barbeque sauce. Nick told me I wouldn’t like it, so I told him I did just to spite him, but then I really did like it. He swore I was not his child and still swears it whenever he sees me eating the stuff. “Let me go see if Isaac and Chels want anything.”
When he came back downstairs, he flipped through the take out menus. “Where should we order it from?”
“Hmm,” I looked at all of them, and this one place called “Brother’s Subs” had a picture of the exact sandwich I wanted on their cover. I felt like it was fate. He called the sub shop and picked up his keys. “Want to go for a ride?”
“Can we stop at the drugstore too?”
He sighed dramatically, “I guess so. What do you need?”
I blushed, “nothing. You can wait in the car.” I didn’t think he wanted to know because he scrunched up his face and just nodded.
It turned out the drugstore was right next to the sub shop so while he went to get the sandwiches, I went to the drugstore. I picked up a box of tampons and some pantyhose and made my way to the front. “Can you double bag it please?” I didn’t want Nick to see the tampons; it was embarrassing. I went out to the car and waited for him to come out of the sub shop.
Ten minutes later he still hadn’t come out of the sub shop and when I looked in the window, I saw why. He was talking to Brandon, who was behind the counter. I squeaked and ran into the shop. “Dad, what are you doing?”
“Oh, hey baby, I was just talking to Brandon here,” he grinned at me but I knew better.
“Hi Ally,” Brandon gave a little wave.
“So, how long have you been working here Brandon?” Nick asked. I wanted to die, or kill Nick.
“A few years,” Brandon shrugged. “How’ve you been Ally?”
Nick interjected, “really? You can hang onto something for that long? Don’t need variety?”
I tugged on Nick’s sleeve, “We gotta get back to the house…” anything to leave here.
“Nope, I keep the good things,” Brandon shrugged.
I was beyond mortified. “Dad, let’s go.” I turned to Brandon, “see you later.”
“Bye Ally, you look good.”
I blushed and Nick chuckled, “doesn’t she?” Nick wrapped and arm around me, “she’s gorgeous. Too bad you messed that up huh?” Then he winked at Brandon, “see you later kid.”
Tears were in my eyes by the time we got in the truck. I smacked his arm, “what the fuck were you thinking?”
“Don’t swear Ally, it’s unbecoming,” then he started whistling as he pulled out of the parking lot.
“How could you do that to me?!” I didn’t understand how he couldn’t think that wasn’t one of the worst moments of my life.
“I was just making conversation.”
I glared at him, “no you weren’t and you know it. He’s my ex-boyfriend for a reason, just leave him alone. I’m over it, why can’t you be?” I crossed my arms and glared out the window.
“He hurt you Ally, how am I supposed to be okay with that?”
“So you’re gonna harass every guy I date?”
“No,” he scowled, “just the ones who break your heart.”
Tears rolled down my face silently, “well you just broke mine, are you going to harass yourself now?” He put his hand on my shoulder but I shrugged him off, “don’t touch me.”
“C’mon Ally, don’t be so dramatic.”
When we got home, I ran up to my room and slammed the door behind me. Then I started to cry. I ignored the knock on the door but wiped my eyes when I saw Chelsea poke her head in. “What happened?”
“Brandon works at the sub shop we went to,” I whispered, afraid my voice would break. “Nick decided to fuck around with him, embarrassing the life out of me.” I started to cry again, “I can’t believe he did that.”
“Seriously?” Even she looked mortified. I would’ve taken her sympathy if she didn’t look so gorgeous, but Isaac did a fantastic job on her hair and makeup.
“You look really pretty,” I took a deep breath, “I’m going to look like shit.”
Before she could respond Isaac poked his head through the door, “Oh honey, Nick just told me, no guy is worth your tears.”
“Even your own father?” I asked.
Isaac chuckled, “He’s just being a Dad. If I had a Dad as great as yours, I knew he’d never do it on purpose.”
But Isaac was wrong; Nick totally did it on purpose.
“Now come on darling, come sit in my chair and let me make you gorgeous.”
I sat in the makeup chair and leaned forward, “I don’t want gorgeous. I want knockout.” Isaac grinned evilly and picked up his brush.
I heard a loud whistle when I walked down the stairs. I looked in the living room and saw Brent and Nick watching a basketball game. That was the exact reaction I was looking for even if it was only from Brent. Maybe other guys would notice me tonight.
“Nice dress Ally,” Brent smiled.
“Or lack thereof,” Nick frowned. “That’s the dress you bought?” I rolled my eyes and walked into the kitchen. He followed me, “so what, you’re ignoring me now?”
“Yes,” I snapped.
I went to leave but he grabbed my arm, “drop the attitude got it? I’m sorry I embarrassed you.”
But saying he was sorry didn’t mean anything to me, “words,” I snapped at him. “This was the second time Nick; you couldn’t just leave it alone?”
Chelsea walked into the kitchen with Isaac, “oh Ally, you look breathtaking.”
I grinned at Sam, "a knockout right?"
"It's just a dance," said Nick, "no one else is going to look like this."
"You're right," Isaac agreed, "because no one else is as gorgeous as your daughter is. Even without the hair and makeup, she'd be a knockout."
Nick frowned at Chelsea, “that slit is a little high don’t you think?” I went to leave but he held my arm, “can you guys give us a minute?”
“No,” I said, “we’re gonna be late if we don’t leave now.” But he held my arm still.
He turned me around and glared down at me. I wanted to cry but didn’t want to ruin my makeup. “What do you want me to do huh? I said I was sorry.”
“Are you really sorry?” I knew he wasn’t, that’s why I didn’t want to accept it.
He sighed, “No. I’m not.”
“Then I’m not accepting it.”
He sighed and let me go, “fine. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye,” and then I turned out of the room and grabbed Chelsea’s arm. “I’m driving.”
I had to admit that the dance was fun. I hated to dance, I thought I was horrible at it; but it was a good way to forget what an asshole Nick had been. Chelsea had dragged me to the dance floor as soon as we got there and we hadn’t left since. Every time a boy would ask her to dance, she declined telling them that I was her date for the evening. I knew that no one was going to ask me to dance, but that was okay. I didn’t need any of them talking to me after four years of ignoring me. I’d soon forget about them.
But then Tyler came up to me and asked if I wanted to dance. And Chelsea wouldn’t let me say no. Tyler had never deliberately ignored me in school, but said hello in the hallways and sat at the same lunch table as Chelsea and me. He wasn’t a jock, or a geek but I remember seeing him in French Club the one time I went. A slow song came on and Tyler pulled me close, telling me he liked my dress, and I looked pretty. And when the slow song was over he asked if I wanted a drink. I glanced at Chelsea and she nodded for me to go, so I went with him.
He told me about a party at his friend’s house after the dance, and if Chelsea and I wanted, we were invited. When I told Chelsea, she grinned and told me that I should give Tyler a kiss as a thank you. I rolled my eyes even though the thought crossed my mind. So when the dance was over, Chelsea and I got into my car and followed Tyler to his friend’s house.
“You girls want anything to drink?” We followed Tyler into the kitchen and saw the counters laden with alcohol.
“Ooh,” Chelsea grinned, “I’ll take a beer.”
Tyler handed Chelsea a beer and then grinned at me, “and for you?” I didn’t necessarily want to drink, but I didn’t want to look like a wimp either. The last time I drank at a house party, I nearly lost my virginity. “You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to,” he said. I bit my lip; it was like he read my mind.
“I’ll take a beer too,” I said finally. He handed me one and then took a can of soda for himself. “You’re not gonna drink?”
“No,” he said, “I’m driving tonight.”
I frowned down at my beer; I felt like an idiot. I was driving too.
“You look uncomfortable, are you okay?”
I smiled, “yeah, I’m fine,” even though I wasn’t. I turned to Chelsea to see that she had wandered off and when I turned back to Tyler, he took the beer and handed me a soda instead.
“How’s that?” He smiled and I relaxed a little.
“Better, thanks.”
He led me out the back door and we sat down on the bench. “I didn’t think I’d see you at the dance tonight. You’re usually always a no show at school functions.” He was sort of right. I wasn’t usually a no show; I was always a no show.
“Yeah,” I shrugged slightly, “I just…”
“Don’t want to talk to people you don’t like?”
“No…well, sort of. I mean, most of the kids we go to school with have spent four years without talking to me…”
He shrugged slightly, “I don’t know about them, but I’ve been trying to get the courage to talk to you for four years…”
I nearly choked on my soda, and blurted, “What?”
He blushed slightly, “yeah, I’m a idiot like that. I just…thought you wouldn’t give me the time of day. Then I heard you telling Mrs. Murphy that you were joining French Club this year, so I went, determined that I was finally going to ask you out, but you only went once, so I thought I blew it.”
I was baffled, confused but completely flattered. I turned to face him, “really?”
“Really,” he gave me a small smile, “I saw you tonight and knew that I just had to just do it, before I’d never get the chance.”
“So…you’re asking me out?”
He looked down at his soda, “only if you say yes.”
I bit my lip, “Yes Tyler, I would love to go out with you.”
Chapter 35
Chelsea was drunk off her ass and I as I snuck past the front door; I saw the light in Nick’s office on. She clung to me as I helped her up the stairs and into her room. She crawled onto the bed and immediately passed out. I went to my bathroom, grabbed a bucket, a glass of water and some Tylenol and put it by Chelsea’s bed. Before I went downstairs to talk to Nick, I changed out of the dress and pulled my hair up.
I saw him typing on his laptop and I said, “I’m still mad at you.”
He didn’t look up, “awesome,” he said sarcastically.
Tears sprang to my eyes, “don’t give me an attitude.”
He looked up at me and asked, “Excuse me?”
But I stood my ground, “you heard me. If anyone has the right to be angry here, it’s me. I’m not going to let you ruin my night.”
His eyes softened a bit but his face was still hard, “So I take it I didn’t ruin your life this afternoon?”
I flopped myself down on the couch, “only sort of. I hate that you did that to me. I know he deserved it, but…” I closed my eyes and relived the mortification, and when I opened my eyes again, he was sitting next to me on the couch.
He sighed, “You cried over him Ally. I couldn’t ignore the way he hurt you.” He turned to me, “I can’t be sorry for it, and you can’t ask me to be.” I frowned at him, “but I will promise you that I won’t do anything like that again.”
I looked up at him; it was now or never, “I have a date tomorrow.”
I couldn’t read his expression but when he asked, “oh yeah?” I could tell he was trying to be nice.
“His name is Tyler Pearson,” I whispered as I curled up beside him. He wrapped his arm around me and I continued to tell him, “He told me he’d been trying to get the courage to ask me out for four years.”
He chuckled softly, “so how could you say no?”
I looked up at him, “I was afraid to tell you, afraid you’d get mad.”
He shook his head, “You’re a teenager, boys will come in and out of your life, and it’s my job, and I take it very seriously, to pick up your pieces when they walk away.” He ran his hands through my hair and I felt myself relax, “you’re too gorgeous for your own good baby. Everyone else sees it; I just wish you would.”
Tyler made me feel beautiful tonight. I shrugged, “yeah.”
“Why don’t you head up to bed, it’s late.” He stood up, and held out the bag I bought at the drugstore, “you uh, left this in the car.”
I blushed, grabbing it quickly and leaving the room even quicker.
I looked out the door and saw Tyler pull up the driveway. I grabbed the front of Nick’s shirt and brought him down to my level, “you embarrass me, and I will kill you.”
He looked amused, “got it boss.”
Tyler rang the doorbell and then smiled when I opened the door, “Hi Tyler.”
“Hi Ally, you look great,” I self-consciously picked at the hem of my shirt and blushed. Then Tyler turned to Nick, “Hi Mr. Carter, it’s nice to meet you.”
Nick politely smiled and shook Tyler’s hand, “you too Tyler. Have a good time today.”
I leaned up and kissed Nick’s cheek, “Bye Dad.” I felt him slip something into my purse and glared up at him when I saw it was pepper spray.
“Have fun baby,” He winked and shut the door behind us.
I smiled when Tyler opened my door for me and when he got in the car, I asked, “so where are we going?”
“I figured we could get something to eat, and then go for a walk somewhere.” He looked over at me, “is that okay?”
It sounded perfect, “it sounds perfect.”
He took me to his favorite pizza spot, which just happened to be Alessandra’s. She grinned when she spotted me, “Miss Ally!”
Alessandra threw her arms around me and I blushed when I saw Tyler staring at us, “Hi Alessandra, how are you today?”
“Better now that I see you’re beautiful face.” Then she turned to Tyler, “and who is this charming young man? Is he your date today?”
“This is Tyler,” I smiled and Alessandra put her hands on his shoulders and kissed each of his cheeks.
“Hello, it’s nice to meet you.”
“You too, I see you in here sometimes, right?”
Tyler laughed, “Yes, you make the best pizza in town.”
Alessandra winked at me, “You have good taste in men.” I blushed and when Alessandra led us to a private booth in the back she winked at me again.
Tyler smiled at me, “So I take it you know of this place?”
I laughed, “Ever have the Carter Pie? It was named after my Dad.”
Tyler laughed, “That one is my favorites!” When Alessandra came back, Tyler ordered us our food and she made more comments about my taste in men but left us alone when she brought us our pizza. After the meal, I tried to give Tyler some money for the meal but he refused, and when he tried to give Alessandra some money, she refused.
After Alessandra’s we went to the beach. It was October but the weather felt like August. We talked about everything. He told me that he had two older brothers and a younger sister who passed away from cancer when he was younger. His parents were divorced and he lived with his mom and they both were real estate agents and wanted him to follow in their footsteps, but he wanted to be a doctor. He asked me about my life, how it was to live with a father like Nick. And I told him about it; that touring was for the most part boring, but watching people I grew up with and admired so much live their dream was so much better than anything I could’ve hoped for. Tyler grinned and slipped his hand into mine and told me that if he had someone like me on the sidelines, he’d never see a reason to give up on his dream either.
I never wanted it to end.
But it had to, and when the sun started to set, he drove me back to my house and walked me to my door and asked if he could kiss me. I blushed and nodded, and when he kissed me, I swear I saw fireworks. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” he whispered and he kissed me again. “Bye Ally.”
“Bye Tyler. Thanks for today; I had a lot of fun.”
He grinned and kissed my cheek, “I did too.”
When I closed the door behind me, Nick seemed to appear out of thin air, “Have fun?”
I could hide the goofy grin, “Tons.”
“Good, come into the kitchen with me, I want to hear all about it, but first, I need to talk to you.”
“Okay,” I frowned when I saw Chelsea in the kitchen, nursing a cup of tea.
I bit my lip; I knew what this was about. “Hi Chels.”
Her eyes were red-rimmed as she smiled up at me, “Hi Ally.”
“Chelsea said you two went to a party after the dance last night. That Tyler invited you two,” Nick said, crossing his arms.
“He did,” I answered, “but nothing happened.”
He leaned down slightly to try and intimidate me, and it worked, “Then why does Chelsea have a killer hangover right now?”
I looked at Chelsea and then back at Nick, “There was alcohol there.”
I swear I heard him growl, “God damn it Alexandra.”
“I didn’t drink anything!” He glared down at me, “I swear. Tyler gave me a beer but then he grabbed a soda for himself and said he had to drive, so I put down my beer and grabbed a soda too.”
He was still glaring at me and his voice was low when he said, “if I find out you’re lying to me Alexandra Nicole, so help me, you will not be seeing the outside of this house until you’re thirty. Got it?”
“I swear I’m not lying,” I whispered. He looked like he didn’t believe me. “Why don’t you believe me?”
“Because the last time I asked, you were lying to me. And your best friend is sitting at the kitchen table trying not to throw up because she had too much Vodka.”
“I told you I was going to be good from now on,” I argued feebly, “I went because I just wanted to spend some more time with Tyler.”
“Go up to your room, I’ll be there in a few,” he pinched the bridge of his nose and looked over at Chelsea. “You feeling okay yet Chels?” She nodded slightly, “Good, because you’re grounded.”
I walked up to my room and threw myself down on my bed. I had the perfect day; I didn’t want it to be ruined. When Nick knocked on the door and sat on the edge of my bed, I sat up and faced it. I wouldn’t let him ruin my day. “You can think whatever you want, but I know what I know, and I know that I didn’t have a sip of alcohol last night.”
“I believe you,” he said, “Chels told me that you didn’t.” Then he sighed, “You didn’t text me to let me know.”
“I know I said that I’d play by your rules, but that one’s stupid.”
He frowned, “I just want to know you’re safe, that’s not a crime.”
“It’s not,” I agreed, “but it’s not a crime for me to be a teenager either.”
“I know,” he scowled, “but it is a crime for an underage girl to get drunk.” I couldn’t argue with that, but I knew what Chelsea was like. “She told me about the trial next week. You think I should cancel my trip to LA?”
“No, I don’t think Chelsea would want you to. She’ll have support here.” He nodded. “Did you really ground her?”
Nick grinned, “Hey, if she’s gonna live in my house, she’s gotta play by my rules.” He nudged me, “So I take it you and Tyler are going on a second date by the way he kissed you goodnight.”
My eyes widened, “you were spying on me?!”
He chuckled, “Don’t fault me Ally, I couldn’t help it.”
“Yes, there’s going to be a second date. I really like him.”
“You just met him,” he gave me a pointed look, “don’t go rushing into anything just yet.”
I blushed, “well duh, I won’t, but…” I shrugged, “he took me to Alessandra’s and then we walked on the beach and just talked.” I bit my lip and blushed again, “I know it’s only one date, but it felt good…I’ve never felt like that before.” When I finally looked up at him he looked pained. He looked like he wanted to lock me in the closet and keep me there for the rest of my life. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
He sighed, “I hate that you’re not a baby anymore. I miss you being knee high, tugging on my jeans, holding up your arms and me picking you up and carrying you around on my shoulders.” He looked at me sheepishly, “I don’t want you to grow up.” He put his hand over his heart, “It hurts.”
“Don’t you always say that I’m always going to be your little girl?”
He grinned, “yes, and don’t you forget it.”
I knew I wouldn’t.
Chapter 36
I felt like I was doing the walk of shame when Principal Conway called me down to his office. I had no idea what I could be in for.
But my fears were calmed when I saw who was in the waiting room, “Alex!” I leapt into his arms and he laughed and nearly stumbled backwards.
“Hi Ally,” he put me down and grinned, “ready to go?” I must’ve looked confused because he clarified, “I’ve come to post bail.”
“Does Nick know?”
Alex laughed, “of course he does, he’s the one who suggested it!” He held out his arm and I hooked mine through his, “shall we?”
I grinned, “We shall!”
“Now, I had a car take me from Orlando to here so you’re driving.” He gave me a pointed look, “just don’t run over my foot this time.” I grinned sheepishly. Last year Alex had broken his foot, because when he took me out for a driving lesson, I had accidentally run over it.
Oops.
“Where are we going?”
“The mall,” he grinned, “I’m starving.”
“You know there are other restaurants not associated with the mall,” I teased him.
“I know,” he laughed, “but I want a sandwich and the food court has them.” Then he pinched my shoulder, “are you really going to argue with a trip to the mall with your favorite Uncle?”
I laughed, “I’ll never argue about you taking me someplace.”
“I ain’t driving baby, you’re taking me.” I rolled my eyes. “You have that credit card Nicky gave you?”
“Yeah.”
“Good,” he snickered, “he’s paying then.” I couldn’t help it; I laughed. “So…any news for me?”
I tried to think, “Uh…no?”
“Really?” I could sense the overly casual tone in his voice, “No new friends I need to know about?”
I chuckled, “Oh, you mean a new friend named Tyler?”
“Oh really? Is that his name?” I just glared at him. “Nick just told me that you came home the other night with stars in your eyes, and I thought it was because you were thinking about me. It makes me sad that it takes another boy to give you that look.”
“Well,” I tried to hide my snicker, “I guess sex does that to a person.”
“WHAT!” His shrill exclamation pierced through my ears and he turned towards me, “Alexandra Nicole, you better not have had sex with him!”
I burst into laughter, “kidding! Your reaction was priceless though.”
He scoffed but relaxed in his seat, “I cannot believe you did that to me.” He was silent for a moment, “I think I’m having a heart attack.”
“Oh whatever old man,” I rolled my eyes, “I can’t believe you believed that I would do that on the first date.”
“How many dates has it been so far?”
I shrugged. “Just two,” I said, “but I see him every day at lunch too.”
“Is he nice?”
“Well I wouldn’t be dating him if he wasn’t now would I?”
“I don’t know,” his face hardened slightly, “you dated that other shithead and he was well, a shithead.” He had me there. “Does Nick like him?”
“He didn’t throw a fit when Tyler came to pick me up on Sunday. And he even shook his hand.”
Alex nodded thoughtfully, “that’s an improvement.”
“Well, he really doesn’t have a say in it…even though he thinks he does.”
“Give him some credit Ally, you’re all he’s got. He doesn’t just want anyone to come in and sweep you off your feet and take you away from him.”
I frowned; I had never questioned why Nick never fell in love again because I was selfish and loved that it was just me and him against the world. And even though Tyler and I were still getting to know each other, the way he made me feel on Sunday when he dropped me off was too hard to ignore, and I wanted more. Why would Nick want to shy away from that? It made me sad, that he has spent the last seventeen years alone, and probably lonely. I wasn’t completely naïve; we had the sex talk for a reason, because I had caught him in the act. Gross.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.” We had gotten to the mall, and I was lucky enough to find a parking space up front. I hooked my arm through his again as he led us to the food court.
“Why hasn’t my Dad fallen in love again?”
Alex looked at me, “again?”
My eyebrows furrowed, “what?”
“You asked why he hasn’t fallen in love again, what makes you think he’s fallen in love before?”
I felt terribly naïve. “You mean he didn’t love Jen?”
He looked pensive, “maybe he thought he did. But could you love someone who would devastate your life like that?”
No, I couldn’t. I wanted to cry suddenly. “Is that why he hasn’t fallen in love? He doesn’t want to risk repeating history?” Alex just shrugged. I’ve never known Nick to be afraid of anything. But he was afraid to fall in love. “That’s so sad,” I whispered.
“You’re telling me,” Alex whispered back. I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed heavily. “Don’t be sad for him baby. He wouldn’t give up the past seventeen years with you for anything.”
“But he stopped living his life for me.”
“No,” he said, “he started living his life for you.” He smiled suddenly, “now, what kind of sandwich is Nick going to buy you?”
After lunch Alex had taken me shopping. I had sent Nick a text, telling him I was with Alex and we were shopping, and he told me to buy a pretty dress, and to head to the newsstand. So I grabbed Alex’s hand and led him to the newsstand, hearing him complain the whole way because he was just about to buy a new pair of shoes. But once we got to the stand, he gasped, and I mirrored it shortly after. It was like an elephant in the room, a large white elephant that was stuck in a tiny room. The Rolling Stone issue was out, and they had put a picture of me on the cover. I was sandwiched between Aaron and Nick. I was facing Aaron with my back against Nick and his arm wrapped around my shoulders protectively. We were all smiling, and I could tell that we had just finished laughing. The picture was perfect but not Rolling Stone cover perfect.
“You’re on the cover of Rolling Stone,” Alex said softly. He turned to me, “Ally, this is huge.”
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from it, “I wasn’t supposed to be on the cover.”
He chuckled, “how could they look at these and not put you on the cover. Jesus Ally, you’re fucking gorgeous. Do you know how many magazines they’re probably going to sell?”
I blushed, “shut up.” I picked up the issue and frowned down at it. The cover boasted about having the first pictures of ‘Nick Carter’s Daughter,’ and how I might just be following in ‘her father’s footsteps.’ Alex and I flipped to the story and I frowned again. I was in all of the pictures except for two solo shots of Nick and Aaron. As Alex read the article, I called Nick. He answered on the first ring and my voice broke when I said, “Dad they put me on the cover.”
“I know baby,” he said softly, “how are you handling it?”
“I don’t understand. I’m not anything special,” I whispered, “I didn’t do anything to warrant a cover. Did you read the article?”
“Yeah,” he said, “you’re in it.”
I closed my eyes, “I don’t want the kids at school to hate me.”
“They won’t hate you Ally. Besides, we’ve already talked about this; they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. You’re bigger and better than they are if they do hate you, which they won’t.” He sighed, “The pictures turned out great though, you’re beautiful in them.”
I blushed at the compliment, and decided I needed to get over it. He was right; caring about a reaction from people I didn’t care about was stupid. “Yeah well, if I didn’t have such a handsome father, I guess I wouldn’t be in this predicament.”
He laughed, “I know baby. I’m gorgeous, a heartthrob, all the ladies want me.”
“Okay,” I pretended to gag, “you don’t have to remind me that my father is a heartthrob, because you know, I don’t see it.”
“Psht, whatever.”
I smiled coyly, “bring home a girlfriend and then we’ll talk, okay heartthrob?”
I rendered him speechless for just a moment. And when he spoke again, he sounded unsure, “whatever Ally. I need to go, I’ll call you tonight to talk some more okay? I want to hear about the trial and your day with the worst influence in the world.”
I scoffed, “Alex is not a bad influence. If he wasn’t my Uncle, I’d probably swoon after him.”
“I would never allow that to happen,” he snickered. “Bye Ally.”
I was grinning, “bye Dad.” When I hung up the phone I burst into laughter at Alex, “what are you doing?”
He grinned, “Don’t judge. I’m proud!” He had taken all of the magazines that were on the stand and bought them.
“What are you going to do with that many issues?”
He winked, “Well first, I’m going to ask for an autograph, because when you do become famous, I can say I had the first one, and then I can pawn it on eBay for a couple thousand dollars. Then I’m going to frame a copy and hang it in my studio, because it’s your first cover and it’s Rolling fucking Stone magazine. Whether or not you’re embarrassed by the attention, be proud Ally.”
I frowned, “The only reason why I’m on there though is because Nick Carter is my father.”
“The article says that you co-wrote Aaron’s first single. Your name is on the credits.”
I grabbed the magazine from him and turned to the article again. And sure enough, there is was. Aaron was quoted saying, ‘She doesn’t believe that she has any musical ability, and she used to avoid it simply because of what family she comes from. But she sat in on the session, gave a couple of offhand comments about what the lyrics should be on this particular line and how it would be cool what the guitar could sound like on this bridge and on the final cut I ended up using her suggestions. So her name is on the credits as a co-writer.’ I looked up at Alex, “What does this mean?”
Alex grinned, “It means you’ve got yourself a paying gig.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and led me back to the department store that I had dragged him away from. “I’m going to start working on some solo stuff again and right after Christmas, we’re going back in the studio. I expect you to help pen me some hits.”
I rolled my eyes, “whatever. That’s never going to happen.”
He rolled his eyes in response, “whatever. We’re writing a duet together. Final say, end of story kid.”
“I’m not a kid,” I snapped.
He stopped and looked at me, “no, you’re not.” He took a deep breath, “Now that this is out Ally, people are going to start to talk. Men are going to talk, and they’re going to be shallow and superficial like we always are. People are going to ask you questions and they’re going to want certain things from you. You’re not a kid anymore Ally, and this magazine cover proves it not only to me, but to everyone else who doubted you.” He ran his thumb over the apple of my cheek when I blushed, “People are going to expect you to make something of yourself, so you need to stay focused like you always have been, and use the attention you get to your advantage.”
“I don’t want the attention, that’s the thing.”
He nodded, “I know you don’t, but unfortunately, you don’t get a say in that. So use it wisely.”
I frowned; I suddenly didn’t like being a Carter.
Chapter 37
Everyone at school was still ignoring me, but now they were staring at me. If no one had the guts to say anything to me, I could live with that. The only person who said something was Tyler. Chelsea was still out of school, spending her the next few days at the courthouse instead.
He grinned at me when he sat down, “so, how are you doing today?”
“Fine,” I shrugged, “nothing new. You?”
“Oh you know, I just went to buy a new notebook for my math class and walked by the magazines to get it…and saw this,” He pulled out the magazine and I scowled. He laughed, “You didn’t tell me you wanted to be famous.”
“I don’t want to be famous. I didn’t know they were going to put me on the cover.”
“That’s still really cool Ally, it’s Rolling Stone.” I wanted to roll my eyes; I knew it was Rolling Stone. Everyone kept saying that like it was a big deal. But it wasn’t to me. Brian and Howie called me congratulating me and like Alex, said they expected some co-writes on their album when they all went back into the studio in December. BJ dropped by with a box of cookies and gave me a hug and told me that it was about time another Carter made headlines.
“It’s just a magazine; I don’t see what the big deal is…”
Tyler rolled his eyes, “that’s because you grew up with your Dad being on the cover of this magazine. But to everyone else, it’s a huge deal.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek, “But I’ll shut up about it if it makes you uncomfortable.”
I looked at him gratefully, “thank you.” It felt like he always knew the right thing to say.
“Let’s go out on Saturday night, that cool with you?”
I grinned, “Definitely.” And then that was the end of that.
Chelsea freaked out when I showed her the magazine cover. She had come home from court and flopped herself down on my bed.
“I hope your day went so much better than mine.”
I shrugged, “Tyler asked me out for Saturday.”
She sighed, “You two are so cute together, I can tell already. For once, I’ll live vicariously through you, how’s that sound? Infinitely better than my day. ”
“Not really, everyone keeps mentioning this…” and I took the magazine out of my bag and tossed it on the bed.
At first she just stared at it, but then she gasped as she picked it up, “Holy shit Ally! You’re on the COVER!”
“I know,” I frowned, “isn’t it horrible?”
She snorted, “Horrible is not the word I would use.” Then she looked up at me, “although, I can see why you think that. You hate attention.”
I shook my head, “I hate unnecessary attention. I didn’t do anything besides be Nick Carter’s daughter to get on the cover of this stupid magazine. Even Tyler said something to me about it.”
She flipped through the pages and grinned when she landed on the article, “God you look hot Ally.” She laughed, “You totally wore those clothes to school that day, I remember, because I thought it made your boobs look good.”
“Shut up,” I whined. I wanted to drop the subject, “How is court going? You didn’t come home last night…I was worried.”
She frowned, “I was with my Mom. We’ve talked and decided that when Nick gets back, I’m going to move out and back with her.” She smiled at me, “She’s in therapy and she was actually being a mother to me last night.” Then she shrugged nonchalantly, “I miss her. I don’t know if we could ever have a relationship like you and Nick have, but I’d be stupid not to try right?”
I nodded. I agreed. Because of Nick and I, and the love that we had shown Chelsea throughout this horrible part of her life, she knew that it was possible for a parent to love their child in such a way that didn’t result in a horrible outcome. If I were in her shoes, I’d try anything to find it too. I didn’t even want to think about the person I’d be if I had Jen instead of Nick. It was like Chelsea had two Jen’s in her life and she knew that one of them had the potential to be a Nick.
“It’s almost over,” the hope in her voice brought tears to my eyes.
“Yeah,” I smiled and hugged her, “it’s almost over.”
I sat in front of Nick’s computer just as he texted me. I opened Skype and smiled when I saw his face. “Hi,” It was so good to see his face.
“Hey,” he grinned back, “How are you?”
“Good.”
“You look like you were just crying, everything all right? Did Chelsea finally come home?” I nodded. When he called me last night, I had told him that Chelsea didn’t come home, and he started to worry, but said she was probably with her mom, which had been true. “How is she?”
“When you come home, she’s going to move back in with her mom. She spent the night with her last night and she really wants to try and build their relationship again.”
“That’s good,” he smiled, “She needs that.” I nodded in agreement. “So, are you the most popular girl in school yet?”
I scowled at him, “No, they stare at me but they’re still ignoring me, thank God, but Tyler busted out the damn thing at lunch today.”
“What did he say?”
“He said I didn’t think it was a big deal because I grew up with you being featured in things like this all the time. But it’s a big deal to everyone else.”
Nick nodded thoughtfully, “he’s right.” I just stared at him. He agreed? “It’s normal for you.”
“I guess it is. I just feel like I didn’t do anything to get on the cover besides stand there looking pretty.”
Nick’s eyes crinkled, “It’s called modeling. Lots of girls do it.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, “Yes but there’s an infinite number of differences between then and me.”
“I know, the most important difference is that you’re better than all of them.”
“No, the most important difference is that I didn’t ask for this.”
“I’m sorry,” he said suddenly, “When they asked if they could put you on the cover, I agreed because I want everyone to see you Ally. I used to hide you because I wanted you to stay my little girl forever. But you’ve proven time and time again that you’re not my little girl, that you’re an adult who can make decisions wisely and still wear her heart on her sleeve. It’s endearing, and I’m so fucking proud of who you’ve become, and I want everyone to know that.”
I blushed at his compliments. They were undeserved. “I love you Dad,” I whispered.
He flicked the computer screen and I could imagine the tip of fingers nipping at the tip of my nose, “Love you too Ally. But you know I always will.” He grinned, “You’re popular with my fans. They keep asking if you’ll join Twitter.”
“No,” I said.
“Oh come on, do it.”
“Why?”
“Because they want to talk to you,” he said. “You don’t ever really have to post anything, just do it. For me,” he frowned, “For my fans. They love you too.”
“How do I do it?” I had never gotten into the whole social media fad because I knew I’d get a lot of attention because of Nick. I didn’t have any friends so why would I need to join Facebook or MySpace? I saw Chelsea every day, why would I need to follow her on Twitter?
“Go to the website, and sign up.” He took me step by step through the sign up and grinned when I told him I was done. “What’s your username?” I heard him typing and clicking and when I told him ‘AllyCarter,’ a couple of seconds later I got an email telling me that Nick started ‘following’ me. “I tweeted at you. Go to your homepage and follow me girly.”
I did as he asked and grinned when I saw Nick’s tweet, ‘Everyone follow the most amazing girl I know, @AllyCarter, welcome to Twitter baby…’ “How many people do you think I’ll get followed by in the next twenty minutes?”
Nick laughed, “Probably a lot. Go through who I follow and follow each of the guys.” I did and a few minutes later my email inbox was flooded with alerts telling me I had a new follower.
“What should my first tweet be?” I had to admit, this was kind of fun, but I wouldn’t tell Nick that.
Nick laughed, “No idea, but Alex just tweeted at you.” I refreshed the page and grinned when I saw his tweet, ‘Ladies and gents, hell as frozen over, @AllyCarter, the 2nd love of my life, has joined twitter…’
I sent out the tweet ‘Hi everyone! @NickCarter made me get a twitter, this is kind of fun, but don’t tell him, shh… ;) Love you dad’
Nick saw it and laughed, “Click on your replies page.”
“Whoa, all these people are talking to me!” I looked through the replies, some were saying hello, some were telling me that I had an amazing father, but most were telling me how beautiful I looked in the magazine. “I had over 200 followers already!”
Nick laughed, “Look at you being popular.” I laughed and shook my head.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Am I really getting writing credits on Aaron’s single?”
He grinned, “Yes, in fact, I have your first royalty check for you.”
I think my eyes popped out of my head, “are you kidding me?”
“No, all the writers get paid for writing the song, and they get paid more if the song does well on the radio, which you know…” he smiled softly, “it just hit number five.”
“This is insane, it all happened so fast.”
“That’s fame for you. It hits faster and harder than a ton of bricks.” He gave me a pointed look, “but it can disappear just as fast.”
I nodded in understanding. It wasn’t that way for the famous people in my life, but some of Nick’s friends had experienced fame for a short while. Even Brent had experienced it, and for him, it seemed to end quicker than it appeared. Now he worked for an insurance agency, writing claims all day. I knew that Nick and Aaron were some of the lucky ones.
“How much is my check for?”
He grinned, “You’re not touching any of it. I’m putting it in your college fund.”
“Like you need help paying for my college,” I teased. “Just tell me, how much was it?”
“$3500. And I know you’re going to an Ivy League, I need all the help I can get.”
I ignored the last part. I was still stuck on the first. “$3500, just for making a few offhanded remarks?” Holy crap.
He laughed, “Kind of cool, isn’t it?” Then he winked, “Hey, if you’re not busy tomorrow night, I think you should stream the radio station out here so you can listen to your Dad do what he does best.”
I gave him a pointed look, “second best, after taking such good care of me.”
I swear I saw his cheeks pink through the computer screen, “fine, second best then.”
Chapter 38
Chelsea and I had made ourselves comfortable in front of Nick’s computer screen to prepare to stream the radio station. After I told her about it, she was so excited to listen to it. “This is so cool Ally,” she giggled with a mouth full of popcorn.
“Did you know that Nick made me join Twitter last night?”
Her eyes perked up, “Really? Do you have a lot of followers?”
I opened my Twitter page and laughed, “1,589 followers to be exact. It’s kind of weird, I don’t know any of them, but every time I send out a tweet, I get like, 400 replies.”
“That’s awesome!” She handed me my blackberry, “tweet a picture of us getting ready to listen to your Dad.” I laughed and took a picture of us snuggling up on Nick’s couch together and sent out the tweet, ‘hanging out with my best friend Chelsea, getting ready for @nickcarter’s interview. Are YOU listening?’ Chelsea giggled, “How many people do you think will reply?”
I laughed, “No idea. I bet, fifty at the most. It’s late on the east coast.” The radio DJ got on the air and chitchatted with his cohost for a few minutes before they introduced a slew of songs that I didn’t care for. I never really listened to the radio because I grew up listening to the music that Nick had listened to, which was mostly 80’s rock, and the music he created of course. “Chels, I have over 80 replies,” I giggled with her.
We scanned each one and Chelsea pointed at Nick’s reply, “even Nick replied to you.” I felt myself blush at the tweet, ‘@AllyCarter, you look gorgeous baby. I miss you.’ He had been gone for nearly a week and I missed him like crazy. “Aww, he’s so cute! Do you know what they’re gonna talk about tonight?”
“No idea,” I grinned and grabbed a handful of popcorn, “but it’s starting!”
“Hey Nick, how you doing man?”
I could practically hear Nick grinning, “I’m doing great man, really, really great.”
“You sound it! Glad to hear it.” The DJ laughed, “I’ve been sitting on the edge of my seat, staring at the cover of Rolling Stone. Who’s the bombshell in between you and your brother Aaron?”
Nick laughed and Chelsea nudged me. I covered my cheeks when I felt the blood rush to them. Nick answered, “That’s my daughter Ally. Isn’t she beautiful?”
“She’s gorgeous man, you have your work cut out for you,” the DJ laughed.
“Nah, she’s a great kid, I really lucked out, especially because I raised her on my own. She’s got a great head on her shoulders and I’m just really proud of her.”
“It sounds it, tell me, does she want to follow in her father’s footsteps like the article suggests?”
Nick chuckled, “Not sure. She really didn’t even realize she had co-written the song until the article came out actually. She was with AJ and freaked out when she saw she was on the cover.”
I frowned when Chelsea giggled, “It’s not funny, I was freaked out.”
“Oh please Ally, deep down inside you love it.” I rolled my eyes at her.
“So anything new you working on besides producing for Aaron?”
“Well I’m always working on solo stuff. Not sure if I’ll get around to putting another album together soon but the boys and I will go back into the studio in December.”
“We hear you brought a little something special along for us.”
I could tell Nick was suddenly nervous by the way he laughed. “I did. A song that I had written is going to be on the new record for VH1’s Save the Music. It’s going to be the leadoff single. I was talking to some of the producers about writing a song for them and when they heard about this one, they immediately jumped on it.”
“What’s it about?”
He paused, “I wrote it about Ally, and how she saved me. How there’s still so many unanswered questions but if we stick together, we can answer them.”
I didn’t hear anything past my name. I knew what song it was. My jaw dropped and I could hear Chelsea asking me what was wrong but I wasn’t hearing her completely. He was going to play the song he wrote for me to the entire world. “I can’t believe he did this…”
“And I hear there’s something that makes this song stand out.”
“Ally sings it with me,” he said softly. “I know she’s listening right now, Ally, don’t be scared, it’s gonna be great. I promise.”
“So let’s play this baby. Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re about to listen to the world premiere of Nick Carter’s ‘In Front of the World,’ featuring Ally Carter, and can be found on Vh1’s Save the Music’s upcoming charity record out later this month.”
Tears sprung to my eyes as the music started playing. Listening to it this way was unreal. I was expecting to feel angry, scared and betrayed. But I wasn’t feeling any of those things.
A song I was singing was playing on the radio. Granted I didn’t have any solos but you could clearly hear my voice. Now I knew how Nick felt whenever he heard one his songs on the radio. He’d turn the music up as high as it could go and belt out the words right along with the radio. He was so happy, and felt so proud.
And that’s how I felt right now.
After the song was over, it went straight to commercial and I turned to Chelsea, “I can’t believe that just happened.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that you could sing? That you did sing?”
I shrugged, “I didn’t think it’d ever see the light of day. Nick told me that he used to sing because it helped him deal with things he didn’t want to deal with. That it was a creative outlet he used to his advantage and I didn’t have to use it as an outlet but it might be a stepping stone to another creative way.”
“Was it?”
I paused and closed my eyes, “It turns out I’m exactly like Nick. I love it. I just don’t know if I could do it professionally.”
“How come?”
“Because I like the anonymity I have now. His fans know who I am, and they’re the ones that matter, right?”
“There’s going to be a lot more curious eyes now that both the article and the song are out.” I frowned; she had a major point there.
“I know. Alex told me to use the attention wisely and to my advantage, but I have no idea what he means by that,” I sighed.
I didn’t really pay attention to the rest of the interview. I was still stuck on the fact that everyone heard my song, and as it turns out, it wasn’t so off-putting to know that I was going to be talked about. “Ow!” Chelsea elbowed me hard in the ribs.
“Nick is calling you.”
I shook my head to clear my mind and picked up my phone. Before he even said hello, he asked, “Are you mad?”
“No, I’m not. But I can’t believe you did that.”
He was silent. “You’re really not mad?”
I was more surprised than he was. “No I’m not. I thought I would be, because I do hate attention. But like I said to Chels, I hate unnecessary attention.” My voice went quiet, “It was so…awesome to hear the song we sang together on the radio, and that you’re using it for a good cause.”
He didn’t answer right away again. “I don’t know what to say. I was braced for a warpath when I called, not an extremely tolerant and happy girl.”
I laughed, “I hated being in the magazine because I didn’t do anything to garner the attention. It was undeserved, but now, with the song, people will be curious. Alex told me that more people than usual will be curious and that I need to use the attention seekers to my advantage. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that, but that’s what I’ll do.”
“Do you…want to do this as a career?” I could tell he was hesitant to ask, because I was hesitant to answer.
“No,” I said. I just wasn’t so sure of that anymore. I sighed, “I still don’t know what I want to do.”
“That’s okay,” he said softly, “You’re still young and have plenty of time to figure that out.”
I wasn’t entirely satisfied with that answer, “But I’m the daughter of a musician, I don’t think I’ll be able to stay away from it for long.”
“You’ve stayed away from it for seventeen years Ally. Your willpower is extremely strong.”
“Yeah, but now that I’ve had a taste, and know how good it makes me feel, I don’t think it’ll be that strong anymore.”
“We’ll talk about it more when I get back, and if you decide to continue, you know I’ll help you in any way I can.”
“Okay,” I said. It gave me time to sort out an answer, weigh the pros and cons and figure out if it was the rational thing to do.
“Speaking of…” He took a deep breath, “I’m not coming home next week. I need to be out here for another week or so.”
“Oh,” I tried to hide my surprise and disappointment. I went with dramatic instead, “Freedom from being a Dad treating you well?”
He laughed, “They asked me to produce the Save the Music record, so I’ll be out here doing that.”
“And here I thought maybe it was a girl that had your attention.” He didn’t answer. “Fine then. Just know, that I miss you like crazy already, and if it is a girl, I’m planning to steal all the attention away from her if you decide to bring her home.”
Chelsea was squirming with curiosity as she listened to the one-sided conversation. I couldn’t believe I was being so casual about it. “What the hell are you talking about Ally? You know you’ll always be the only girl for me.” That was the problem apparently.
But I let it go for now; this was a face-to-face conversation. “I do miss you,” I said softly. The confession all of a sudden embarrassed me.
“I miss you too Ally,” he replied just as quietly. “But we have Skype, and phone calls and texts and now Twitter, so all the world can see how much you annoy me.”
I laughed at his attempt to lighten the mood, “You mean so your fans can see that you’re really just a loser living in a celebrity’s body.”
“Psht, whatever girly,” he chuckled then, “I have to go. I just wanted to call and make sure you didn’t hate me.”
“I don’t hate you,” I laughed, “I never could.”
“Good, because you’re the only one I can’t live without,” He laughed with me.
“Have a good night, and let’s Skype tomorrow.”
“Okay,” he agreed, “it’s going to have to be late though, 10pm you’re time. Is that okay?” I agreed and frowned when we hung up.
“What the hell was that talk about Nick bringing a girl home?”
I thought back to the conversation I had with Alex, ‘what makes you think he’s fallen in love before?’ “Alex told me that Nick has never been in love,” I started softly. I felt like I was betraying Nick somehow, like it was a secret he didn’t want anyone to know. “I thought he was in love with Jen, because, you know, he loved her enough to have a kid with her, but Alex asked if I could ever love someone that would desert me like that, and no I can’t, so I couldn’t imagine that Nick could.”
Chelsea frowned, “I never thought of that. But you’re right; I’ve never seen Nick with even a girlfriend.”
I shrugged, I didn’t want to think about the fact that that didn’t mean he was probably lonely. If I let myself really think about it, I knew he probably still found ways to have a night out. I shuddered, but if I thought about it, I’d throw up.
“I think he didn’t bring anyone home because of me.” I straightened defiantly, “It’s time he stopped focusing on me, and start focusing on himself. He deserves it.”
Chelsea grinned suddenly, “Well, what are we going to do about it?”
The look on her face made me grin. It was time to find my Dad a girlfriend.
“Operation Get Nick A Girlfriend,” I giggled, “Has officially begun.”
Author's Notes:
Two updates in one day - go me :)
Chapter 39
I felt like I was breaking so many rules, but really, I wasn’t. I didn’t think. Instead of Tyler and I going out, he was coming over to watch a movie. I was afraid to tell Nick. But I did tell BJ and this morning before she went to work, she brought over some type of pasta dish she made. Then she brought me chocolate covered popcorn.
I hugged her tightly but told her she couldn’t tell Nick if she talked to him. She gave me a wink and kissed my cheek, reminiscing about her teenage years.
Chelsea grinned in a way that made me blush. I told her that nothing was going to happen, that we were just going to watch a movie, but before she left for work, she slid a couple of condoms into my hand.
I threw them in the trash after she left. Then right before Tyler came, I fished them out of the trash and put them on the table next to my bed. It wasn’t going to happen, but what if it did? Or what if it did next time? I shouldn’t be thinking of that already. Alex would kill me – if Nick didn’t get to me first.
“Hey Ally,” Tyler grinned when I opened the door.
“Hey,” I smiled. I blushed when he kissed my cheek. “My aunt brought food over this morning, are you hungry?”
He grinned, “Definitely. But I would’ve been more impressed if you told me you made it.” I laughed and pulled the dish out of the refrigerator. As I heated it up, he wrapped his arms around me from behind and I tried to ignore the sudden butterflies in my stomach. He kissed my shoulder and said, “I want to talk to you.”
“About what?” I was nervous.
He turned me around and then kissed me, “About us. Is that okay?”
I bit my lip. Was it? I wanted to tell him that he could talk to me only if he wasn’t going to break up with me. He was too good to be true. “That’s okay,” I said softly.
He smiled, “You look nervous suddenly, don’t be.” It eased my mind slightly, but not entirely. He took a deep breath and said, “I don’t want to share you.” I must’ve looked confused because he laughed, “I didn’t mean for that to sound so possessive. Let’s get our food and sit down so we can eat and talk. I’m starving.” I grabbed my plate and followed him to the living room. When I sat down, he turned to me again and said, “I heard your song last night.”
I blushed, “Oh…”
“And it was really fucking good Ally,” he sounded sincere and I felt my cheeks get redder.
“You listened to my Dad’s interview?” Why would he do that? Was he a fan?
He looked sheepish, and then he shrugged, “I really like you Ally. I just-” He ran his hand through his hair, “I know things are going to get busy for you now, and guys will be throwing themselves at you, because, why wouldn’t they? You’re gorgeous.” I blushed again. They wouldn’t be doing that. “I just want you to know, before you go and become some big superstar, that, I really, really like you Ally.”
I didn’t know what to say.
He made a face, “I just sounded so pathetic.” He waved his hands in this adorable little way, “erase everything I just said to you okay? Let me start that over.” He put his fork into the noodles and I smiled at him when he took a giant bite. “Okay,” he chuckled once he swallowed, “is that conversation erased from your memory?” I smiled. It wasn’t but I nodded anyways. I was curious as to what he was trying to say. Was he going to tell me he was in love with me? “Now before I put my foot in my mouth again, I want to just say that, if I sound pathetic, tell me, and I’ll try and start over again. Okay?”
“Okay,” I smiled.
He smiled back, “Okay good.” He took me hand, “I feel like things are going to blow up for you soon, with the magazine and the song, and I want to support you and be there for you because I really like you. And,” he swallowed, “I had this whole speech planned out in my head on the drive over, and now that I’m here, I have no idea what to say.”
It clicked. “Tyler,” I whispered, “I really like you too. And I think I know what you want to say.” I leaned in and kissed him because I couldn’t help it. “I want you to be there with me too if anything happens. I won’t ditch you for someone else, I promise. You noticed me before anyone else did.”
He grinned and kissed me, “that’s exactly what I wanted to say.” Then he gave me a kiss that took my breath away. “Now,” he turned towards the pasta, “I had a bite and I want more. Your aunt is an awesome cook.” Then he made a show of shoving a fork full of pasta into his mouth.
My heart was so full right now, I thought it would burst.
Before Chelsea even said hello, she asked, “Did you pop your cherry?”
I blushed, “No. Almost though.”
“Really? Almost? Why didn’t you?”
I shrugged, “I’m not ready yet.” I sighed, the night was perfect. After we finished off BJ’s pasta, we popped in a movie and halfway through, we started making out. Unlike that time with Brandon, I wasn’t nervous at all as Tyler kissed me. My hands moved on their own accord and the next thing I knew, he was hovered over me, his shirt on the floor. He gave me a grin that made my bones feel like jello and then told me he thought we had done enough for one night. He wanted to wait a little bit longer before we moved things along. I was glad he had stopped us, because I knew that I didn’t want to lose it this way, that I wanted it to be special…and not on my Dad’s couch. “Chels, I swear he’s perfect.”
She giggled, “What’d he do?”
“He streamed the radio interview last night too, because he knew I was listening too. He was trying to tell me that he didn’t want me to basically ditch him if I decided to follow in Nick’s footsteps.” I giggled, “But he didn’t know how to word it right, he kept embarrassing himself. It was so cute.”
Chelsea giggled with me, “You know, I never really ever paid attention to Tyler before. But,” she looked thoughtful, “he is kind of cute. I mean, he’s one of those kids that gets along with everyone, you know?”
“Yeah,” I smiled, “I noticed that he always smiled at me as we passed in the halls or something. He never deliberately ignored me but never talked to me either.” I sighed, “I wonder if he’s getting any shit for dating me.”
Chelsea twirled a piece of her long hair around her finger and asked, “Would you change your high school experiences if you could?”
I thought about it. Would I? I always thought I would, because I was absolutely miserable. I didn’t mind the whole going to school part like most other kids my age did. I just minded the people who went there with me. But if they hadn’t of ignored me all this time, and I was friends with them, would I still be the same person that I was right now? Would Nick and I have the same relationship we did now? Would Alex and I be as close as we were now? Would Chelsea and I still even be friends?
I was a full believer that everything happens for a reason. I knew the sacrifices in life were all part of a plan, that without suffering there’d be no compassion. If I didn’t have a miserable high school experience, would I have to sacrifice something else that I loved in life? If I had to suffer in high school and get everything else that I loved about my life, I’d take it. “No,” I finally answered her. “I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the misery of it all. I like who I am right now, aside from the horrible fear of getting attention.”
Chelsea laughed, “I think the only thing I would change, would be my reaction to my sucky family life. I wouldn’t have spread my legs to anyone who asked. It sucks that I got branded as the school whore,” but then she shrugged, “But what else would’ve changed for the worse if that had changed for the better?”
I laughed out loud, “You are totally reading my mind right now.”
“That’s because you’re like my sister Ally. It’s scary.”
It was pretty scary, but not in a bad way. “How is the trial going? Is your sorry excuse for a Dad getting reamed?”
Chelsea smiled slightly, “Sort of.” Then she shrugged, “It’s going fine. They settled on the abuse charges, he gave up all custody,” she rolled her eyes, “like it matters anyways, I’ll be eighteen in February, no one can control me then.” Then she grinned, “I kind of don’t need to be there anymore, but my mom’s lawyer is hot.”
I laughed. Typical Chelsea.
“BJ brought over some chocolate covered popcorn, want some?” She grinned and followed me down to the kitchen.
“I have the perfect person for Nick,” she said suddenly.
“Really? Who?”
“Mrs. Palmer!” Chelsea grinned excitedly but I rolled my eyes.
“She’s a Mrs. for a reason Chels. She’s married,” I wanted to say ‘Duh!’ but I refrained. She would be cool for Nick if she wasn’t married and if I felt like I wouldn’t be seeing a teacher every time I walked into the room.
“I know, but,” she frowned, “if she wasn’t married, she’d be perfect.”
“He needs someone who won’t care if he’s not around all the time. I have a feeling that leaving me alone for two weeks is a test. To see if I can handle it. And if I can, which I can, he’ll probably be going away a lot more.”
“Maybe they can start touring during the winter now or something,” Chelsea suggested, but I frowned. I didn’t want him to tour without me. I didn’t necessarily like touring, but it was the thing we did together. Being stuck in such close quarters for two to three months at a time was how we became so close in the first place. I tried very hard to suppress the jealousy that was threatening to surface at the thought of him bringing someone else along on tour with him.
But I could put my feelings aside if it gave Nick a chance to be happy.
“Ooh!” Chelsea said suddenly, “I have Wednesday night off from work; we should go to a movie!”
I wouldn’t say it, but I was thankful for the subject change. “I really want to see that new movie about the aliens.” I silently laughed; I was so Nick Carter’s daughter.
Chelsea looked disgusted, “No way. I was thinking that new dancing movie, with the hottie that is shirtless 98% of the movie…”
I grinned for her sake, “That’s fine with me!”
Chapter 40
“What time does the movie start?”
I locked the door behind me and looked over at Chelsea. She had actually gone to school with me today. She wouldn’t be there tomorrow but it was cool sitting with her and Tyler at lunch today. They got along really well and it made me happy to see my best friend and my boyfriend becoming friends. “7:30,” she said, starting towards the stairs. “I need to get started on this massive amount of homework,” she frowned, “I can’t believe that being in court isn’t a good enough excuse to get out of all this. I mean, they let you off the hook when Nick pulls you out to tour,” she frowned. She did have a point.
“If you need help with any of it let me know,” I offered, it was the least I could do.
“Nah,” she sighed dramatically, “Just buy me some popcorn tonight at the movie. And maybe bring a few napkins so when I start to drool over the hottie, you’ll have my back.”
I laughed, “Okay.” She walked up the stairs and I walked to the kitchen. I grabbed an apple and some peanut butter and a bottle of water. I grinned when my phone vibrated and Nick had sent me a text. ‘If you’re home, get on Skype girly.’
I practically ran to his office and turned on the computer. While it loaded I sliced my apple and smeared it with peanut butter. I saw Nick’s face just as I stuck a large slice into my mouth. He laughed, “That looks delicious.”
I shrugged, trying to chew as fast as I could, “Just apples and peanut butter, they don’t feed you out there?”
He wrinkled his nose, “I’ve been holed up in the studio, it’s water and crackers for me mostly.”
“Are you on a break now?”
He nodded, “Yeah. That’s why I wanted to see if we could talk. I think I’m going to have to pull an all-nighter to make this production deadline.”
“Are you guys trying to rush it?”
He shrugged, “No. I just want to go home. I realize that the whole one week thing was as much for me as it was for you.”
I grinned. I wanted him home too.
“Is the house still in one piece Ally?” He tried to look authoritative but I just chuckled at his expression.
“Define one piece?”
He glared at me, “Don’t be trying to give me a heart attack like you did Alex with your little joke.”
I blushed, “He told you about that did he?”
“Yes,” his tone was still sharp. “You don’t want to know what I would’ve done if it had been me.”
I chuckled despite my embarrassment, “Okay, so no sex jokes with Dad. Got it.”
He rolled his eyes, “No sex jokes period!”
Since we were on the topic, I wanted to tell him about Saturday, just in case he found out through someone else. “Okay, so I have something to tell you and you can’t freak out about it okay?”
“Okay…” Nick looked weary.
“I had Tyler over here on Saturday night.”
“Was Chelsea there?”
“No.”
“So it was just you two?”
“Yes.” I bit my lip, “BJ stopped by during the day and dropped off some food, so she knew he was coming over.” He didn’t say anything, “Are you mad?”
“I want to be, but no,” he sighed, “you’re an adult now, you’re capable of making reasonable decisions. I don’t have to like it but that’s the way it is.”
“Well if it makes you feel any better, he listened to your interview on Friday and said the song was awesome,” I grinned.
Nick looked surprised, “Really? Are you sure he just didn’t want to impress you?”
I flicked the computer screen, “No. He told me that he wanted me to not forget him when I became a superstar.”
Nick laughed, “Speaking of a superstar, our song has gotten a lot of positive feedback already.”
“I know,” I giggled, “Your fans can’t stop tweeting at me at how much they love it and can’t wait to buy it.”
Nick laughed, “I know, I told them they have good taste.”
“Other than you wanting to rush it, how is producing going?”
He nodded, “Good. We got a lot of good people singing on this record. You know, if you want to record a song completely by yourself, I just might be able to secure you a notch on this thing,” he winked.
I blushed, “No thank you.”
He smiled softly, “Not gonna follow in Dad’s footsteps then?”
I shrugged, “I want to,” I said and I watched his expression change, “I just don’t know if I can.”
“You can do anything you want to Ally, you know that.”
“I know,” I sighed, “I just…I’m not good enough.”
“Never say that,” he frowned, “You can be good enough if you just try hard enough.”
“I want music lessons,” I said softly.
“Okay,” he said instantly. “What kind?” But I shrugged, “Guitar? Piano? Voice?”
“I don’t know,” I frowned. “I’m still not sure I can make this a career. I still love French.”
“I’ll be home in nine days, we’ll sit down and talk about it then okay?” He asked, “If you decide you want to go to college instead, we need to start on those applications.”
I smirked, “We?”
He chuckled, “I want to help you, and you can’t stop me.” He looked pensive, “So, I can tell, you really like this Tyler kid huh…”
I blushed, “Yeah…”
“Maybe when I get back we can all go out to dinner…”
I think my eyes were about to pop out of my head. “Seriously?”
Nick laughed loudly, “Hey! I can be nice!”
I was still speechless, “I – you – huh?”
He snickered, “Oh come on Ally, I’m not that bad.” Then he grew serious, “I know you like him. And he seems like a good kid.” He shrugged, “I have to accept that he might be sticking around for a while.”
“You know he’s never going to push you aside or anything, you’ll always be the first and last person I go to for everything.”
He placed his hand over his heart endearingly, “That makes me feel slightly better. Thanks baby.” I smiled at him. It was true; no one could ever replace him.
“Chelsea and I are going to the movies tonight.”
“Really? Seeing anything good?”
I chuckled, “Not really. I wanted to go see that aliens movie, but she wants to see that new dance movie,” I frowned. “I said fine.”
“Good, you and I can go see that aliens movie when I get home, okay?”
I beamed at him, “okay.” I heard a door open and close, and I asked, "is break time over already?"
He nodded with a mouth full of crackers, "'uff voo."
I laughed and waved, "Love you too Dad. Bye."
“That man, that we just saw,” Chelsea pointed back at the movie theatre, “He’s my future husband, I swear it.”
I laughed, “Yeah okay.”
“I’m serious! No one should be allowed to be that gorgeous. I was getting all hot and bothered just watching him stand there while he let the girl shine in the spotlight. If I looked like that, I’d be pushing everyone out of the way.”
I shook my head, “You’re such a sap,” I teased, “You’ll take anything that resembles a fairytale.”
She snorted, “So wouldn’t the rest of the female world. Except for you, because you live in a fairytale world.”
It was my turn to snort, “Oh yeah, perfect. Please…”
“Seriously Ally, you have the perfect Dad, the perfect boyfriend. Your biggest dilemma right now is whether or not you want to go to an Ivy League or enter the music business.” She gave me a pointed look, “You’re life is perfect.”
I frowned. I didn’t want to admit that she was right, but from where I stood now, there was nothing about my life right now that I would change. I was happy for once. I was able to smile without worrying about added stress. I was over Jen and the little fiasco she caused. Alex and Nina were back on track and from what he told me, stronger than ever. I didn’t care that people ignored me in school. I had my best friend, I had my boyfriend and I had my father. Another thing I also had was music. I really couldn’t complain right now.
“See?” She laughed when I didn’t answer, “I’m totally right.”
I shrugged, “I’m not gonna lie, I like where my life is right now.”
Chelsea squeezed my arm, “In just a few short months, I plan to say the same. This whole fiasco is almost over, and when it is, you and I can go to a college and you can help me find the perfect guy.” We stopped at a red light just as it started to rain. I frowned. I hoped it didn’t bring storms, or else I’d be in Nick’s closet by myself tonight.
"Ugh, I hate the rain," she frowned. Then she smiled slyly at me, "We are not going to let a little rain get in our way tonight." She reached over me and into her glove box and pulled out a cd, “I feel like dancing, that boy got me all hot!”
I laughed as she pulled out the cd from her stereo, threw it in her backseat and then put the new one in. As soon as the music started we started moving our bodies to the music.
The light turned green.
Chelsea stepped on the gas.
Everything went black.
Chapter 41
I was swimming somewhere. I think. At least that’s what it felt like. There was water everywhere and even though it was agony to breathe, I could still do it.
But both my feet were on solid ground, so I wasn’t swimming, I was walking on something hard. Pavement. My steps were light and weightless. I could skip ten feet without gravity holding me down. But I couldn’t move my arms in this water.
They seemed to be held by invisible chains at my side, locked in fetters that couldn’t be moved. But it didn’t seem to bother me. Because I liked being surrounded by this much water. It was comforting.
The pavement was so dark that the water reflected the moon perfectly. Maybe I was flying in the sky, in the rain clouds.
I couldn’t be upset with this new revelation either. I’ve always wanted to fly.
I was moving to my own accord, like a nomad, with no home but wherever it felt like. Was this my new home? It felt like someone had their hand over my heart and was guiding me in the right direction.
But then Nick’s face suddenly clouded my vision and I realized at once that it was the wrong direction.
It was pulling me towards the darkness, and I didn’t like being in the dark all by myself. Nick’s irrational fear had rubbed off on me. I knew now that Nick was here somewhere but I had a feeling that this hand that was guiding me wasn’t leading me to him.
I had started screaming even though the pain that it caused my ribs screamed louder. I screamed at the hand, telling it to take me to Nick, to my refuge – he’d take the pain away – but the hand didn’t listen, and still pulled me towards the darkness. It had a plan. The longer it held my heart, the more my body seemed to become numb, like it wasn’t in my control anymore.
Even though the numbness was consuming, I wasn’t giving up without a fight. I refused to accept that I’d never see Nick again. Or Alex. Or Chelsea. I screamed again even though I knew it was futile. No one had listened yet, they wouldn’t start now. After one more frustrated attempt at screaming, my ribs had felt like they collapsed into my body.
The hand over my heart squeezed as hard as it could, stopping it from beating momentarily. The pressure was enough to paralyze me. Then I felt the hand contract and for just a few moments, my heart seemed to swell twice its size. The hand squeezed my heart again and my body reacted the same way it did before. It repeated twice more after that.
I was thankful the hand didn’t squeeze my heart for a fifth time. If it did, I was sure it would’ve permanently silenced it. I was able to focus for a moment, and realized the water that I had been surrounded with wasn’t water. It was too thick for that. It had tints of red and when it fell upon my lips, I realized it was my blood.
Suddenly the hand returned, only this time I felt it grasp my head, pulsing its fingers around my skull.
It was painful, but tolerable.
And every time its fingers made contact, I could hear voices. I couldn’t make out what they were saying and none of them sounded familiar, but they comforted me while I was swimming in pain. Maybe I wasn’t alone in this wet oblivion.
As soon as the thought left me, the hand suddenly released me and things turned worse. It felt like my body was caving in on itself, and panic set in. I started to hyperventilate which didn’t help the searing pain that ripped through my chest. The moon was gone and there wasn’t any light coming from anywhere. I was alone, surrounded by blood, panicked to the core.
“Nick?” I started to cry, “Dad?” But calling out to him was useless.
I was alone.
Something changed, like a shift in the wind that knocked me to my feet. I tried to hold my breath this time but it was nearly impossible. I called out for Nick again but the blood hindered my coherency. My tears mixed with it as it consumed my body.
I was going to die.
I wanted to give up. It felt so much easier to let the numbness consume my entire body because then I wouldn't be in pain. Because crying out didn't do any good anymore, I said my goodbyes to Chelsea and Alex, and especially Nick. And I closed my eyes and waited for it to just take me away.
But it didn't. Giving in seemed to make me strongeer, and then I opened my eyes. And I wasn’t surrounded by blood, water, or anything else. I was in a bright room, surrounded by machines. I only had use of one of my arms, and my chest burned, my ribs were in agony but I was coherent. I knew that I was in a hospital. The hand that I did have control over was heavy, something was weighing it down.
I twitched my fingers to see if I could move it, and not only did the weight lift off it, but a loud shuffle accompanied it. My eyes darted to the left. It was Alex. So I wasn’t alone.
“Ally,” his voice was rough, and there were fresh tears sliding down his face. “Oh god, Ally, you’re awake.”
“Alex,” I whispered back. The voice didn’t sound like mine. It was rough, and detached.
Alex was here. My eyes scanned the room. Nick wasn’t. “Dad?” I called to him like I did in oblivion, and like my oblivion, he didn’t answer. I couldn’t control my reactions, and tears pooled in my eyes. But my eyes were sore, and they stung.
“It’s okay Ally. He’s on his way. He caught the first flight he could.”
“What happened?” Did I want to know? Was I dreaming?
But he didn’t answer. He hit a button above my head and about three seconds later, a nurse walked in. “Oh Ally, you’re awake.” Her smile would’ve been contagious if I had the will to smile. But I was too confused for that. “I’m Abby. We’ve all been very worried about you.” She fiddled with a few machines and smiled, “You have a lot of bumps and bruises but you’ll be just fine. Can I get you anything?”
Tears stung my eyes again, “My Dad.”
“He’ll be here soon sweetie, I promise.” The sincerity in her voice and eyes was enough to comfort me. “Now, I want to ask you some questions,” she looked serious.
“No,” I whispered, “Not until my Dad is here. Please.”
“Ally, I just want to make sure, that now that you’re awake, that everything is fine.”
I tried to shake my head, but it was pounding, “No,” my voice broke, losing my conviction, “not until Nick is here. I just want him here.”
“Ally, I think you should listen to Abby.”
But I stood my ground, “No. Not until Nick is here.”
“Fine,” Abby frowned, “I won’t tell you why, just let me feel your head, okay?”
“Fine,” I whispered because suddenly my mind clouded over with the pain of it. My head was pounding, like there were a thousand hammers inside. The pain decreased when she placed her hand gently on top of my head. Just like in my oblivion. Her touch didn’t cause me more pain like I thought it would. Her hands were cold and comforting and they felt around with ease, placing light pressure at some points. When she took her hands off my head, the pain started again.
“And just let me see your chest, real quick okay? Like before, I won’t tell you why,” She pulled down the front of the hospital gown I had on and I could see that I had burn marks on my chest. She pressed down and instead of finding it comforting like I did before, I gasped in pain. “Does that hurt?”
“Yes,” I tried to control my tears. She poked around for a few more seconds but then withdrew her hands.
She threw a glance at Alex but nodded. “How is your throat?”
“It hurts,” I whispered. It felt like it was on fire.
“Let me get you some water, I’ll be right back.”
When she left, I turned to Alex, “Can I call Nick? Please?”
“He won’t answer Ally, he’s on a plane,” but he took his phone out anyways.
Nick’s phone when straight to voicemail and when it beeped, I started rambling. “Dad, it’s Ally. Where are you?” I started to cry. “I want you here. I need you. Please hurry-”
Alex took the phone out of my hands, “Nick, she’s awake. She’s in one piece. She won’t agree to anything until you get here.”
I felt like this time, I couldn’t control my emotions, and the tears poured out of me and the sobs racked my body. And it hurt each time a sob cut through me. I felt Alex grab my hand and whisper for me to calm down, and I tried, but it was hard. The pain was constant, and it made it hard to concentrate on controlling anything else.
“Alex, don’t leave me,” my voice was broken and I let in a painful, ragged breath when a sob broke through his voice.
“I won’t baby, you know I won’t,” he kissed my cheek and I buried my face into his shoulder briefly, seeking a kind of comfort I hadn’t found yet. I loved Alex, but he wasn’t Nick. And the kind of comfort I needed right now, wouldn’t find me until Nick got here.
Abby came back with a glass of water and she held it for me as I tried to sip it. But it hurt to swallow. “It still hurts,” I whispered, “it hurts to do anything. It hurts to think.”
“I know,” Abby’s kind eyes frowned down at me, “But you’ll get better. I promise.” I believed her. “Try and drink some more. Hopefully after a few sips, it won’t hurt anymore.”
And she was right. After a few sips, my throat didn’t hurt and I drank the rest of the water greedily. “Can I have some more?” I asked when I finished the glass.
She smiled, “Of course, I’ll be right back.”
I went to turn to Alex but something on the television had caught my eye. The volume was on low so I couldn’t hear anything, but I could see everything. And my picture was on the television. And so wasn’t Chelsea’s car. And it was totaled.
And under the picture of me and Chelsea’s totaled car was the words ‘fatal teen accident.’
I started to hyperventilate. I could dimly hear Alex’s voice, trying to calm me down. But he couldn’t help me.
Every single detail flooded back to me.
I knew what happened.
I went hysterical.
Chapter 42
I opened my eyes even though I didn’t want to. What was the point?
Chelsea was –
I refused to think what the end of the sentence was. Because it wasn’t true. There was no way it could be. But just the thought had my body near convulsion. I heard a voice in my ear telling me to calm down, and when I saw that it was Nick, I crumbled. “Daddy,” I breathed into his shoulder. His hand was in my hair and his shoulders were shaking. He was crying. “Daddy I thought I’d never see you again.”
“I know,” his voice was shaky, “God baby, I was so scared I was going to lose you.” I didn’t care if my head was still pounding; he kissed my head over and over again as we cried together.
“There was a hand over my heart, but he wasn’t leading me to you,” I clung to him. “He was pulling me away from you and I kept screaming your name, but he wouldn’t listen.” I wiped my eyes against his shoulder, refusing to let go of him. “I refused to give up without a fight.”
“I’m glad,” He whispered, “I taught you to fight with everything you are.”
“I love you,” I whispered, staring at his face. “I never thought I’d get to say that to you again.”
Tears still poured down his cheeks, “I love you too Ally. I was so scared I’d never get to hear you tell me that again.”
Then I closed my eyes and thought of Chelsea. Moments ago I didn’t even want to think about it, but now that I knew Nick was here, and he wasn’t leaving my side, I had to know. “Dad, is Chelsea…?”
His face gave it away, and I didn’t care about the pain. “Please don’t get upset baby. They’ll have to come in and calm you down if you can’t control yourself.”
“How can I?” I wanted to shriek. I shook my head even though it hurt, “Never mind, don’t tell me.”
His voice broke when he said, “I’m so sorry Ally. I’m so sorry.”
So it was true. “She’s…dead?” Suddenly my body wasn’t in pain anymore.
Nick couldn’t speak for a moment. “They thought you were dead too for a minute. They had to use a machine to jump start your heart. That’s why you have burns on your chest.” He was talking but I wasn’t listening to him. “Your ribs collapsed, you went into cardiac arrest,” his voice was shaky. “They did everything they could to save you.”
I tried to sound coherent, “they couldn’t save Chelsea?”
He grabbed my good hand, “I’m so sorry Ally. It was instant; there was nothing they could do.” He wiped his eyes, “but at least she didn’t suffer.”
My best friend was dead. She wasn’t ever coming back. We were so happy, talking about fairytales, and falling in love, and now this. Despair ripped through me. “Why did this happen? What did we do wrong to deserve this?”
“You did nothing wrong okay? Someone ran a red light…”
My eyes felt so swollen, like they’d be filled with tears for the rest of my life. “I want her to be alive.”
Nick’s shoulders convulsed once and then he gently placed both hands on my face, “Me too baby. I wish she was here too.” That was all he said, because there was nothing anyone could do to bring her back. There was nothing anyone could say that would make me feel better about losing my best friend.
Stupidly I whispered, “If I could go back in time, I would offer to drive-”
“Don’t say that,” Nick snapped. But I ignored the emotion behind his voice. If I could’ve saved Chelsea, I would’ve, and that was the only way to save her. But that meant that if I died that Nick wouldn’t know what to do with himself. Save Chelsea or save Nick – they were two people that I couldn’t live without and right now, I was living without one.
I had always assumed that my heart was comprised of four pieces, all jumbled and misshaped but if you put them together, they fit perfectly. One piece represented Nick, another Alex and another Chelsea, but the last piece was missing – and it had been missing for as long as I could remember, but I was still able to breathe in and out just fine. But now that Chelsea’s piece was taken away, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t function properly because a whole half of my heart was gone.
“Don’t get yourself worked up Ally,” Nick whispered, but the long deep breaths I was taking to try and calm myself down were only making it worse. I heard one of the machines start to wheeze and a few seconds later, Abby entered the room.
“Are you okay sweetie?”
“No,” I whispered, “I’m in pain.”
Nick tried to soothe my by rubbing his thumb over the palm of my hand but it wasn’t working.
Half of my heart was missing.
Abby put her head on my hands and for a brief moment, the pain reprieved. “The swelling has gone down a little, has the pain lessened?”
My head was fine, my heart on the other hand…
“Now that your father is here, can we talk about what happened?”
I grabbed Nick’s hand and nodded, “I already know what happened. My best friend is dead.”
Abby frowned and I couldn’t tell whether she was sympathetic or if she pitied me. “I’m sorry Ally, I know how hard this must be to process, how devastating it all is.”
“You’re strong baby,” Nick whispered encouragingly, “You don’t feel it now, but you’re gonna get through this just fine.”
I nodded but I wasn’t so sure about that.
“You are Ally, you’ve already showed so much strength…”
I scoffed even though it hurt my chest, “no I haven’t.”
Abby sat down at the edge of my bed and smiled, “of course you have. Sometimes after accidents like this, not many people open their eyes again.” I felt Nick take a shaky breath and Abby smiled at him, “but you knew everyone was waiting for you. You have a great family here who is going to be here for you and with you while you recover.”
“How long will I have to be in here?” I just wanted to go crawl in a hole and die right now. I didn’t want to be alive.
Abby shrugged, “That depends on your willingness to get better. After experiencing a loss like you have, some people tend to retreat within themselves and forget about the world around them. I can already see that your Dad isn’t going to let you get away with that,” she chuckled slightly when Nick nodded his head. “So once we get your heart a bit stronger, we can start working on getting everything else stronger as well.”
“My heart hurts so bad,” I whispered, “I don’t think it’ll ever beat normally again. I’m ruined.”
“No, you’re definitely not ruined.” Abby said quickly, “I tell my patients that when you think you’re at the end of your rope,” she smiled softly, “just tie a knot and hang on.”
Nick smiled, “Yeah, and you used to love to tie knots when you were a kid, so make sure you tie them tight.”
“So Ally, what do you remember about that night?”
Tears were already stinging my eyes again. “Chelsea and I went to the movies because she wanted to see that new dance one even though I didn’t want to. I wanted to see that alien movie. I remember Skyping with Nick, and he told me that we could go see it when he got back from LA. I remember I hated the movie.” Abby chuckled and I tried to smile, “But Chelsea’s had a bit of a hard time lately so if it made her happy then I could grin and bare it.” I turned my hand over and latched onto Nick’s. He squeezed reassuringly. “After the movie, all she could talk about was how hot the actor was, and that she was going to marry him one day.” I chuckled, “Then we started arguing about the perfect life. She thought I had one and she wanted one. She always used to tease me that I had the perfect life, the perfect grades, the perfect vacations,” I glanced at Nick, “the perfect father.” He smiled softly and kissed my hand. “And it was her time to get everything she wanted; she worked so hard for it all.
“What happened after the movie?” Abby asked so softly that I had to strain to hear her.
It was hard to remember though. It felt like that single memory was sitting in a giant puddle in the middle of my brain, muddy and opaque. “It’s hard to remember.” No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get the image to clear. But then, for just once second, I saw Chelsea dancing like a maniac in the driver’s seat while we were at a red light.” “Oh Chelsea,” I started to cry.
“It’s okay baby,” Nick whispered in my ear. “She’s not in pain, and she’s being taken care of wherever she is.”
The red light. “It started to rain…and I remembered thinking that I hated storms at night, and hoped that it was only just rain or else I’d be in Nick’s closet all by myself tonight.” Abby chuckled. “Chelsea said she wanted to dance, because the movie had made her happy.” I took a deep breath and muddled my way through the rest of the memory. “We were stopped at a red light…we were dancing…the light turned green,” my watery eyes tried to focus on Nick, “and I don’t remember anything else. I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay,” said Abby. “That was great that you remembered all of that. Do you want me to tell you what happened about the stuff you don’t remember?” I nodded. “Chelsea was driving,” she started. “It was raining, it had just started. It was about 10pm on a Wednesday night, it’s now Friday morning.” Her whole demeanor suddenly changed, “The other vehicle ran a red light; wanted to plow through it so they could get somewhere faster. They instead plowed right into Chelsea’s car.” I felt like hyperventilating again. “The car hit the driver’s side head on, and pushed it up onto the curb. Your head cracked the passenger side window, and when the car rolled upside down, you cracked your ribs.” She was whispering now, “When the paramedics pulled you out of the vehicle, your ribs punctured your lungs, which caused cardiac arrest. They were able to save you though with a defibrillator. It’ll take about eight weeks for your lung to heal fully, the wound is pretty big and we need to monitor it closely to make sure it doesn’t become infected. You also have a pretty severe concussion and we thought you were going to fall into a coma but the swelling is healing and you should make a full recovery. Your right hand got crushed in the crash and we’re still trying to see if you need surgery to help it heal properly.”
I couldn’t really comprehend anything she was telling me, and she seemed to sense that because she smiled softly, “I know it’s a lot of handle, and if you have any questions, I’ll be here to make sure you recover 100%.”
How had I managed all of that and was still alive? And Chelsea was dead? “How did I survive and Chelsea die?” My voice broke, and I thought it was going to be permanently broken.
Abby’s voice was soft again, “Chelsea died instantly Ally. She didn’t feel any pain, and she didn’t see it coming.” That last part made it even worse. We were both blindsided. “The car was going too fast, and she had direct impact. There was nothing anyone could do…”
I tried to control my emotions because I knew it would make Nick upset. But I couldn’t be rational about this. I couldn’t comprehend this. I couldn’t accept this. “I don’t know how to deal with this,” I admitted, “how to deal with everything that’s happened.”
“Well,” said Nick. “You’re going to have a lot of help, and a lot of support.” He moved the stray hairs out of my face. “Papa Bob is on his way up right now, and Aaron is flying in from New York. Alex is still in the area, he’s coming by later when visiting hours start.”
They didn’t have to put their lives on hold because of me. I wasn’t worth it. “It hurts to breathe.” The pain was suddenly overwhelming, and it made it impossible to control my emotions. It made it impossible to think about anything else but the pain.
“Slow down your breaths Ally,” Abby was up at my side instantly. “I know it’s difficult but you can do it. Breathe in for two counts and breathe out for two counts. Keep doing that until you calm down.” Nick looked panicked which made me more emotional. Abby guessed that immediately. “Nick, can you take a step outside for just a moment?” He left wordlessly and she turned back to me. “Continue to take deep breaths Ally. You can do it.” It was hard, but I did it. It was painful but once I felt like I could control myself again, I did feel better. “Great job Ally,” Abby smiled at me. “Your Dad loves you a whole lot,” she said softly and I just nodded. “And this is hard for him, seeing you like this.” I nodded again. I knew it was hard for him. “And I know you’re a very selfless person, and you’re always putting everyone else instead of putting yourself first.” She threw me a pointed look, “but this time, you can’t let that happen. In order for you to recover, you need to focus solely on yourself. If your Dad gets upset, let him. If he needs to leave the room, let him. Don’t let his emotions influence yours. The only thing I want you to do is focus on yourself.”
“I don’t want him to be upset,” I whispered. “He never gets upset.”
“I know sweetie. I know it’s hard to do that. But please try. No one wants to see you suffer either.”
“I can’t help it,” I whispered. It was hard to control everything, I could only focus on one thing at a time and even that seemed difficult.
“I know, but you need to try sweetie. Chelsea wouldn’t want to see you suffering like this…” She smiled reassuringly, "I'm gonna go out and talk to your Dad for a moment."
My eyes welled up at the mention of Chelsea’s name, but Abby was right.
Chelsea was a fighter, and I was going to fight. For her.
Chapter 43
Miserable was not a strong enough word to describe my demeanor. My insides were hollow; they had been ripped from me. I wanted to writhe in pain, but even that caused more pain. Keeping still, staring out the window seemed to lessen the pain, because I imagined the rain pattering against the window were the buckets of emotion that I couldn’t let go of myself.
The rain was crying the tears that I couldn’t. The clouds depleted themselves because I was already empty and hollow. The tears were only for Chelsea.
The vows of fighting because she was a fighter were just words right now. I wanted them to mean something, but the grief was overwhelming. The only ray of hope I had was Nick by my side to help heal me. But there wasn’t a lot he could do. Because I was broken and it was hard to fix something that was shattered beyond repair.
But that didn’t mean he left my side, because he hadn’t. He was flipping through channels right now as he sat on the edge of my bed and I was staring at the rain outside. Alex was in the chair in the corner, staring at me, and Abby had been coming in and out periodically to check on me.
There was a knock at the door, and the rain came down a little harder. “Ally?” Abby stood in the doorway. “You have someone here who wants to see you…” I could tell she was nervous. “…she says she’s your mother…”
It started to downpour. Nick tensed and Alex stood up. But I continued to stare out at the rain. “I don’t care.” And I didn’t. I couldn’t seem to muster up the energy to care. The whole situation with Jen seemed miniscule compared to what I was trying to deal with now.
“Do you want me to let her come back here?”
“I don’t care,” I replied again. Nick took my chin and tore my gaze away from the teardrops on the window.
“Ally listen for a second,” he sighed, “do you want Jen to come in here or not? Think about it.”
I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about anything. My mind was only stuck on one thing and that was Chelsea and the fact that I was never going to see her alive again. “Tell her I guess she’ll need to find another dishwasher to hire.” The voice didn’t sound like me but it gave an answer I could live with.
“Ally,” Nick put his hand over mine and it reminded me that I was going in for surgery tomorrow. They needed to insert wires to realign the bones so it could heal. Another thing I was trying not to think of.
“Why would she come here? Tell her to go away and leave me the hell alone. She made her choice and so haven’t I.”
Alex followed Abby out the door, “I’ll tell her.”
When he was gone I turned to Nick, “are you sure you want to turn her away?”
The rain seemed to lessen and it brought back the moisture to my eyes. “I don’t know what to do anymore,” I whispered. “I miss Chelsea, my body hurts, I don’t want to have the surgery and now Jen is here…I feel like my insides are hollow and my whole body hurts.” His outline was blurry because of my tears, “it takes so much concentration to focus on one thing it seems.” My voice broken, “I just want it all to go away.”
“I know baby,” he whispered, “I wish I could do something to help take the pain away.”
Even though it hurt to move, I leaned forward into his open arms, and because I couldn’t help it; I started to cry. But he held me until I calmed down and then he wiped away my tears and the simple gesture made me smile. “That’s the first smile I’ve seen out of you in a while.”
“There haven’t been a lot of reasons to smile lately,” I whispered back.
The familiarity of his touch was comforting and when he ran his hand through my hair like he always did when I was upset, I didn’t really hurt anymore. “I know it’s hard, but instead of focusing on the negative, try focusing on the positive. What are the good things that have come out of this?”
There weren’t very many good things to have come out of this. “I’m alive,” I said.
He kissed my head, “yes, that’s a very good thing. What else?”
“Abby’s great, she’s really been taking care of me. She acts like she really cares and that helps…”
“She does,” Nick agreed, “you’re lucky to have her here.”
I was glad that when I giggled, it didn’t hurt as bad. “It got you home from LA sooner…”
Nick laughed, “That it did, and I won’t be going back for a while.”
He continued to rub my hair and I tried to think of other good things that came from this tragedy. “Does everyone know?”
“Who’s everyone?”
“Your fans,” I whispered.
“Yes,” he said. “They ask how you’re doing every day.”
“Do you reply?”
“No,” he said, “I’ve been too busy and it’s not their business.”
“You should reply, or maybe I should, most of them follow me too.”
“I don’t know…”
“Do you have my phone?”
“It got ruined in the crash, I haven’t replaced it…” I should’ve figured that…
“Do it from your phone,” I insisted, “They should know that I’m okay physically.” He still looked uncertain, “Please.” He got out his phone and when he looked up at me one more time I said, “Can we post a picture of me and you too?”
“No,” he said, “No.”
“Do I really look that bad?”
“Of course not Ally, I just…I’m not comfortable with that…”
“They’ve been worried, you said so yourself, they should see that I’m okay.” My head was still pressed against his neck and he held the camera out. I didn’t want any of them to know I was suffering; they could probably tell from my haggard appearance but I smiled to relieve some of their worries.
“What should I tweet with the picture?”
“Tell them I’m fine, that I’m getting better every day and I thank them for their wishes and to keep Chelsea in their prayers…”
When he was done, he showed me the tweet: Ally gets better every day, thanks for the love, it means the world to us, and keep Chelsea alive in your heart, she’s too good to let go.
“That’s perfect,” I whispered and settled back into him. “You’re making me feel better,” I sighed, “My body doesn’t hurt as much as it did.”
He ran his hands through my hair again and I felt his body relax a little, “Good. It kills me that you’re in pain.”
I had one more question to ask, “Is the media still covering this? I saw they aired it when I woke up after it happened…”
“It’s being covered, but don’t worry about that okay?”
But how could I not? Everyone knew what had happened. Everyone knew that my best friend was dead and I was alive. I’m sure everyone at school wanted it the other way around… “Tyler hasn’t come to see me yet…”
“Yes he has,” Nick whispered. I frowned up at him, “I told him that you needed some time before you saw him. Get through the surgery first and when you’re feeling a little better, he can come back.” I didn’t want to argue with that because I didn’t want Tyler to see me like this. I was a certified mess.
Alex walked back into the room and took his seat in the corner. He looked upset. “Did you tell her what I said for you too?”
“Yes.” His mouth was a set line.
“What happened?”
He shrugged, “I told her what you said and she left.”
“Alex, tell me everything that happened.”
“I did.”
“You edited,” I frowned.
“Why don’t we talk about this later?” Nick asked.
He looked gratefully at Abby when she walked into the room, “Ah, I see you’ve got a good support system there,” she grinned.
“Yeah,” I tried to joke, “He makes a good crutch.”
She chuckled, “It’s nice to see you smile Ally, I’ve been worried about you.”
I told her what I told Nick, “There’s not many reasons to smile these days.”
“Sure there are, you just have to focus on the positive things that are hiding amongst the negative things.” I threw a side glance to Nick because he had just told me the same exact thing. He was chuckling. “Like one positive thing today is that you’re getting out of bed.”
“What?”
She held out her hands to me, “Stand up.”
“It hurts.”
“You’re a fighter Ally,” She persisted, “Your legs aren’t broken, just bruised. If you get off your cute little behind, you can start working towards healing everything else.” She smiled and still held out her hands, “Work with the easiest and finish with the hardest is what I say.”
I reached out and held onto her as I stepped away from the bed. My legs felt like jelly from days of lying on the bed. My butt hurt too from being on it too much. “It feels weird to walk.”
Abby laughed, “I bet. You’ve been on your bottom for little while. I don’t want you to get bed sores,” she chuckled, “one more thing we don’t need to add to your list.”
“Seriously,” Nick agreed.
“Nick, why don’t you and Alex go get some coffee or some lunch. I want to examine Ally, and I don’t think she’d appreciate an audience,” Abby winked at me. I blushed; I so didn’t want an audience for that.
Alex was too eager to leave the room, “Let’s go Carter. We’ll be back sweetheart.”
When they were both gone, Abby turned back to me, “You look better Ally, really.”
“Thanks,” I smiled slightly. “Nick made me think of all the positive things earlier just like you said.”
“And what are your positives?” She placed her hands on my ribs and I tried not to wince in pain.
“I’m alive, he got home from LA sooner, and I met you.”
She stopped her prodding, “Me?”
I smiled, “I feel like you really want me to get better, like you’re not just a nurse and it’s your job to help me get better.”
I was surprised by the tears in her eyes. “I do want you to get better Ally…because I know how it feels.”
“You do?”
“I’ve sort of been in your shoes before.”
“You were in an accident too?” Maybe that’s why she’s seemed so empathetic. She’d been here too.
“No,” she whispered, “But I’ve been in Nick’s shoes before.” She looked into my eyes when she said, “Well, not Nick’s, but…Chelsea’s parents…”
My jaw dropped. She had lost a child? She didn’t look old enough to have a child. “You had a kid?”
“Yeah,” she smiled, “his name was Dominick and he was five when he was struck and killed by a driver…” I must’ve looked horrified because she shook her head, “it was nobody’s fault, just at wrong place at the wrong time.”
“Oh my god, Abby…” I had no idea what to say to her because nothing I could say would make a difference. She had lost her son. Just like I had lost my best friend. And when she told me that things would get better she knew what she was talking about. “How old were you?”
“I was 26 when he passed away.”
I wanted to hug her, “I’m so sorry.”
She smiled and squeezed my hands, “It’s okay Ally. I didn’t tell you about it for you to be sorry. I told you about it to let you know that when I say that everything’s going to be okay, it’s really going to be okay. We all have a chance to rise from our own ashes.” She looked at me, “How’s your head feeling?”
“Full,” I frowned; I had so much new information thrown at me today, and I was having surgery on my hand tomorrow.
She pressed to my ribs again and then placed a hand on my head, “How bad does it hurt today?”
I thought about that. It had hurt this morning, but then Nick comforted me, and the pain had considerably lessened. “It’s getting better today…”
“Good,” she smiled. “The swelling in your ribs has gone down, I might want to see if we can get you into x-rays, just to see how it’s progressing.” She took out her stethoscope and said, “Take as deep of a breath as you can.” I did but winced in pain. “Take a lesser breath again,” she said as she moved her stethoscope. It hurt still. Then she moved away from me, “walk towards me.”
It hurt to move my upper body so I tried to stay as still as possible. Every time I took a step towards her, she took another step backwards. “Stop moving,” I frowned, “It hurts to walk.”
Abby grinned, “No pain no gain sweetheart.”
Nick walked back in the room with two cups and his eyes lit up, “Hey look at you, you’re walking.”
“Yeah,” I growled, “real freaking awesome.”
“Stop,” he chuckled, “you’ve been sitting in that bed for way too long. No pain no gain…”
Abby laughed, “Great minds think alike apparently.” She turned to Nick, “we’re channeling the same source today.” She held her arm out and I grabbed onto it before she could move again. As much as I hated to admit it, the walking felt good.
Maybe I could fight after all.
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