He didn’t know why he was in Canada, especially not in the brutal cold of January. He didn’t know why he came or what expected to happen. The family he was looking for had lived in the same house for 23 years. A home that no one even knew, he knew. A home he had visited often over the years but not recently enough for his liking. It had been five years too long.

He found himself on the plane after most of what he knew had fallen apart. Him and the group had been on a whirlwind press tour, when his girlfriend of forever, the most stable one he’d had, left. She didn’t want to be without him, she wouldn’t go with him, and she didn’t trust him on his own. His band mate and brother had succumbed to his fight with the devil again, and was back seeking help. He would never begrudge him the help, he knew that vice all too well. It was just not the perfect time for him, selfish, self-centered, him. He needed people surrounding him, not everyone taking a break. He knew he needed the break before what was to come; he just didn’t want to be alone. So here he was, driving through the familiar small town, in a rental car that certainly stuck out in the neighbourhood.

He drove down the familiar street and made a turn he had often, to find the house he knew, empty. The drive way was unplowed, the porch un-kept, peering in the window, he found the house empty. Getting back into the warmth of the car, he thought of what to do next. The only thing he wanted was to see her, them. Where were they? He never thought they would give up her childhood home, or leave the area they loved. He knew her mother was ill, but he was sure if anything had happened to her, someone would have told him. That couldn’t have been it. Now, more lost then ever, he thought of all he had lost. He had friends, were they close? Not really. He had family, they were estranged at best. The guys were all he had, and they had family and friends of their own. The one thing he relied on, knowing they were there, knowing he could make the trip and see them. They were gone. How did he find them?

He knew he had to try something. He hadn’t travelled this long to just give up. He wouldn’t be so lucky that her mother would have the same car it had been 5 years. The same license plate maybe, could he remember that, not likely. He did remember that it had a symbol of a local sports team. It was worth a shot. He tried driving down the road, to actually find the same car her mom had driven, with the local sports team license plate. Finding her had been a relief, but how did he just waltz in like nothing had happened, like he hadn’t missed 5 years of their lives, like they hadn’t lost their house.

Pulling in the driveway, he sat in the car for a minute, until he saw her mom walk outside with the dog. When she spotted his car she changed course and headed in his direction. He knew his thinking time was up then. He opened the car door and stepped out.

“Mom…”

“Nickolas…”

“I’ve missed you…”

“We’ve missed you…”

He couldn’t handle it anymore and broke down in tears. Finally seeing her and knowing that he was home and that things eventually would be okay, was overwhelming to him. He stood there, tears streaming down his face, when she waked to him and hugged him.

“Whatever it is Nickolas, everything will be okay. Come inside where it’s warm.”

Minutes later he sat on the couch, with the dogs in his lap drinking a warm cup of tea. He knew he had to try to explain why he was there. He desperately wanted to ask where she was, but was scared of the answer at the same time.

“You wanna talk about why you’re upset or why you’re here? Not that we mind, but it’s been awhile.”

“I had no where else to go. Lauren left, she refused to trust me and never wanted me to leave, A.J’s in rehab again, everyone else had families to go to and I just couldn’t be alone. I was scared to come because I figured you guys would be pissed, and I fucked up, but I have no where else“

“I’m glad you came home Nick, we’re always here. Are we pissed? Us, not so much, Adel, very much so, she will get over it though. “

“Thank you Mom. That’s why I came here, you’re more accepting than my own family.” Nick had called Adelia’s mother, mom since they were kids. There was really no question to it. She really was mom to him, his own mother was controlling and vindictive, where as Adelia’s mom was caring and kind, she was strong willed, she was everything you would expect of a mom. His own mom, was not so much, in fact the reason they even met was because his mom was having an affair with a Canadian man in the town and would bring him and his siblings on frequent trips to visit. If that wasn’t damaging in and of itself.

“I figured she would be pissed… I was stupid and I know this now, but you know me, when I get involved in things I go full force, whole hearted. I did that with Lauren and work and well, none of it really worked out well. Typical for me, I can never seem to win.”

“You know what Nick, you know the one thing that always works with Adelia, and no not chocolate. Just tell her the truth. It’ll help.”

“Yea, makes sense, but we also both know Adel, and she is likely to kick my ass before I get to say hello.”

“Also true, I guess you’re fucked.” I love mom, so straightforward.

“Where is she?” I wanted to know when I would run into her so I could be slightly prepared.

“She is in class now, she should be home sometime tonight. She doesn’t live here though, she has her own place.”

“Oh, that’s nice, does she live close?”

“Ya, she literally moved 5 minutes away. Do you want me to tell her to stop by?”

“I guess that would work.”

“I’ll text her and tell her to stop in, why don’t you go lay down for a bit? You look exhausted.”

“Ya I could use a nap for sure.”

Nick walked into the bedroom, mom led him to and laid down. He knew sleep wouldn’t come easily but it would give him time to come up with a strategy. He wanted her to be okay with him, he missed her desperately. If only he had done things differently.

I felt the hard smack of a hand across my cheek, and I woke up abruptly. I knew immediately that Adelia had made it home.

“What the hell woman!” Okay, not the best response, but that friggin hurt.

“Don’t even deny that you don’t deserve that and even more. What the hell are you doing here? Just decided to waltz back in did you? Did you think I wouldn’t remember missing you for 5 years? Really, are you that dumb?”

“Whoa, Delia. I can explain, just let me sit up. I promise I’ll explain.” She was perched across his mid drift ready to whack me one again. She looked older and hotter, but now, with her really pissed at me was not the time to notice. I slipped up the bed and she sat on my legs making it impossible for me to run. Not that I would.

“Go, you have an explanation and I wanna hear it.” She was a pretty girl, she always had been. It was difficult to not check her out. She was far younger than me but the difference seemed less now she was older.

“Well, it’s not a great one, but lets start with, I’m an ass. I got completely caught up in my own selfish life and didn’t bother with anyone that meant anything. I was so involved in my music, my health, and Lauren that I just blacked out everyone else. I realize I am stupid for being that way, but I did and I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me but I came home because I had nowhere else I wanted to be. My life is shit, I have no one and I realized my mistakes. So go on and hate me, I know you want to. I know I hurt you, I’m just really mind numbingly sorry. You’re the last person I have ever wanted to hurt babygirl and I know I don’t deserver for you to forgive me.” I took a deep breath and hoped for the best. I knew that there was not much sense in saying anything else. I had said almost everything in one breath. It was all her from here on in.

To my complete and utter surprise, she sat up, laid her head on my chest and hugged me. I didn’t really know what to do; I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I put my hands gently on her back and let myself breathe her in. She smelled, wonderful, comforting, like I had expected her to.

“I just wanted you to suffer a little, mom already told me what went on. I’m not gonna get over this easily, but I missed you. I’ve always cared about you and we always promised that we would be there for each other unconditionally. I’m happy you came back; it’s just hard to see you and not think of how lonely I was. I missed you, a lot.”

“God, I’m such an ass, I missed you so much. I always thought about calling but I just didn’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay, I might get mad once in a while, it might take a bit for me to get used to you being here, but I will.”

Today, I have cried more than I ever wanted to. I couldn’t help it, and who the fuck cares, so it’s not manly to cry. My life was shit, I missed my family, I missed my girl and she forgave me and was currently burying her head in my chest. Life was shit, but it was better then it had been in a long time. So I cried, I let it out, got it over with and buried my nose in her hair, just taking her in. At that moment, my universe was working on realigning.

I’m not sure how long we lay like that, but the next thing I knew we were getting called for dinner. I felt like a little kid again.

“Race ya?” I knew this wouldn’t end well. She took off, jumped off me, ran around the corner, I chased her, and BAM! Right smack on to the floor we went. Laminate floors and socks, didn’t really go well.

“Good to know neither of you grew up. If you’re hurt, suck it up and get to the table.” I had to laugh at that. I picked myself up and then offered a hand to Delia.

“You know, we were better at that when we were kids.”

“Yea, the old house had way more carpet though.”

“I vote, we’re too old for that crap.”

“Hmm, you are mistaken, one, you are too old for that crap and two, you’re never too old to act like a kid. It’s fun.”

“ I don’t appreciate the too old comment. I’m only 30, but I guess I could agree to the fun part.”

“Well, I’m not even 25 so, I win.”

“Well, with age I get wiser, so there.”

“Nick, honey, you’ve been gone a long time, but uh, you’re still never wiser.” Gotta love mom for stepping in and crushing my win. I never get to win in a house of women.

“I suppose you’re right, but man I gotta get something out of getting older.”

“Don’t worry Nicky, you do. Erectile dysfunction. It’ll be okay though, they have really progressed with treatment.”

“Wtf? I demand that you know, there is nothing wrong with my erectile abilities. And there ain’t ever gonna be.”

“Children, dinner, talks about penises can continue later.”

“Mom, you ruin all the fun. I was gonna make him cry again.”

“Adelia, be nice. For once, he has had a rough enough day and he still has to put up with you.”

“See, mom’s on my side.”

“That’s only because you cried.” I was never going to live anything down.

“I hate you.” I obviously didn’t but that ended the conversation and we ate in peace. A real home cooked meal was phenomenal. It wasn’t exactly healthy, but it tasted so friggin good. We all chatted and watched television until it was time for Adelia to head home. I hugged her good night and crashed on mom’s couch. It wasn’t the swanky beds I was used to, but it was definitely home.

The smell of coffee might be one of the best joys in the morning. I stretched myself out and rolled over, falling off the couch. This is something that had happened a couple times in the middle of the night and then the dogs had come running, to see if I was okay.

“Nickolas, how many times have you done that already?”

“This is the first time, I just forgot where I was.” A little white lie wouldn’t kill me. Also, I didn’t really need any more ammunition used against me.

“So that wasn’t you hitting the floor and making the dog use my bed as a trampoline?” I hate how I always get busted in this family. I absolutely can’t get away with anything.

“It was me, guess I’m not used to sleeping on a couch.”

“I get that, I wish I had a bed for you. You could always stay with Adel.” I really really did like that idea, but I didn’t want to push my luck. She was working on forgiving me and I didn’t want to be the ass to push.

“It’s really okay, I can always go get a hotel room, it was just so late last night.”

“I honestly don’t think you will find Adelia making you stay in a hotel. You have to give her time though. There is a lot you don’t know about her anymore.”

“ I know I don’t, I don’t even know what she is doing in school, where she works, what she likes. There is so much to catch up on.”

“There’s other stuff too Nick, bad stuff. I think she should tell you, but I don’t think she will.”

“Will you tell me?”

“I want to Nick, I really do. I just don’t know if it is my place.”

“Mom, what if I promise not to tell her.” I was scared to think that bad things had happened to her and curiosity had the best of me. I knew I wouldn’t tell her, not until she brought up. I just didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing, I’d screwed up enough.

“I will tell you the basics, if she wants to tell you details, that is her choice.”

“Fair enough, I don’t even plan on bringing it up. I just wanna know.”

“Well, you know she was in college, she was leaving last time you were here. “
“Yea. It was a big issue because the boyfriend of the time was not well liked.”

“Yea, well, we were right, he was a dick.” My heart sank, I figured what was coming. I didn’t like him then, I knew something bad was gonna happen. I knew guys like him, hell at some points, I was one.

“Okay…”

“He abused her Nick, he hit her, he constantly put her down, he made her cry. She had to move out in the middle of the night because she knew he would hurt her.”

“Oh my God mom, why didn’t anyone tell me? I knew he was bad news, but fuck.”

“How were we gonna get a hold of you Nick, email? Phone call? Ooh a text would have been good. You weren’t here. “

“Fuck, I feel even worse now.” I couldn’t believe it, I thought he was a dick, but I thought he would use her, not abuse her. I would have stopped it when I could. I can’t believe all this happened without me knowing. Mom was right though, I made my choice. I wasn’t there. How could I have helped her, I couldn’t even help myself. Still though, she’s my girl. I promised I would protect her forever.

“There is one more thing you should know. It might not be rational, but she partly blames you for it. She said that you always promised you would be there and you would protect her. She was always wishing that you would come in the night and whisk her away. I don’t think she has ever given that up. She is happy you’re here now, but there is definitely going to be some stuff to work through.”

“Great, I blame myself and she blames me. God I am a fucking asshole. I always promised I would be there; I would save her from anything. I failed, I fucking fail at everything. Why do I even bother living, all I fucking do is hurt people.”

“Nickolas, now you smarten the fuck up, you know why you are here and you do not fail at everything. Nothing comes easily Nickolas but the best things are worth fighting for. I can promise you that, I have not fought to be here for you guys, for you to spew bullshit. Now you need to buck up and be the man she needs. Self loathing be damned, you’re here now, make the best of it.”

Mom was always right. I suppose I couldn’t change the past, I can only make the change now. I would be there for her now. Anything she needed me to be. I might have come home for me, but I had to be here for her. I wouldn’t tell her that I knew, I would just buck up, like mom said, and be the man she needed. In every possible way, after all I love her.

“Alright mom, you win. I came for me, but it’s about so much more.”

“Good, now drink your coffee, I’ll make breakfast and we are off to do some shopping.”

We did just that. We did groceries so that we could make Adelia dinner after class. I also went to the mall and bought a few things for winter, I figure I will probably be here longer then planned. I also bought Delia a few things, she would kill me but I missed Christmas, so I get to spoil her a little. Mom and I grabbed hot chocolate, headed home and made dinner. I have to admit that it was really nice to be out in public without paparazzi, or even anyone noticing me. Just a day out with my family.

Adelia showed up at her mom’s just in time for us to pull out the chicken potpie. I couldn’t wait for dinner, as I had smelled this all day. I could tell when she came in that she was in a bad mood. I figured I would give her space, until she cheered up. We sat and ate dinner quietly discussing our days. As it had turned out, apparently Delia was overwhelmed with readings and felt like she couldn’t keep up.

“Dels, I bet I could make you smile.” I knew that presents would make her smile, even if she didn’t want to admit it.

“I bet you could, I have a request that would make me feel so much better.”

“What’s that Del’s?” I would do pretty much anything to make her smile.

“Hug me, and stay the night with me.”

“You want me to stay the night with you?”

“I don’t want you to lose more brain cells from falling off the couch.” I knew she would find out, but the chance to stay at her house was one I wouldn’t pass up.

“Done deal, now come in for your hug.” I wrapped my arms around her and she buried her head in my chest. I loved the feeling of holding her; it was one that I didn’t want to give up again. I wasn’t sure what was up with my need to touch her. We had always been close and cuddly but this was bordering obsession.

“Thank you Nicky, so you’ll stay?”

“Of course I will baby girl, where do you live and in what?” I knew that was a crass way of putting it, but I’m still shit with words.

“I have a little house I rent from family-ish. It’s literally like five rooms. There are two bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen and living room. Most of it is open concept. It’s just big enough for me though.”

“Well, I would love to stay with you.”

“Good, you can meet devil cat and the lizard. You met the dog, sadly, he’s even more trouble at home. Also, the second bedroom only has a small double bed, so please don’t fall; it’s also kind of my office.”

“That’s fine pretty girl, I’m not about to fall again, it’s gonna be much better then that couch.”

“Ya, wanna get going? Watch some movies and crash?”

“Sounds good.” I got into my car and followed her home. She literally had moved five minutes from home.

When we got into the house the puppy was so excited that we were home that we had to take him out. Once we were back in and warm, we got settled in Del’s bed with movies. I being a gentleman had suggested sitting on the couch, but she had a better television in her and wanted to be comfortable. Really, what kind of guy would I be if I denied myself curling up in bed with a pretty girl?

I sat as far to the edge of the bed as I could. I didn’t want to crowd her or anything like that. I sat against the back of the pillows and got myself comfortable. Twenty minutes or so into the movie I heard her voice whispering to me.

“Nicky… you could move closer Nicky, I won’t bite.” I couldn’t help but want to move over. I shifted a bit closer to her and she made the move the rest of the way over. We lay close to each other but without touching. I could hear her every breath and watch her chest rise and fall in the peace of lying together.

I reached for her hand, just wanting to link our fingers together. I was surprised at the jolt of pleasure I felt. I just wanted the comfort of touching her. When she moved closer and laid her head on my shoulder, my breath caught in my throat. The sexual urge that ran through me had me a little shocked to say the least. Of course she was a pretty girl and I had certainly noticed that she had grown up, but I had known her since she was little with pigtails in her hair and mud on her face. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and focused on the movie.

“Everything okay Nicky?”

“Yes pretty girl, everything’s alright.” I had been calling her “pretty girl” since she was little and looked up at me with her big brown eyes, chocolate smeared across her face and her two front teeth missing.

“You flinched Nicky, you never flinch, and you’re breathing funny. You want me to move?” There was nothing that I had ever wanted less in my life. In fact I think I truly wanted her even closer.

“Sorry, I was just surprised, you don’t have to move, it’s all good.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. She snuggled in again and we continued to watch the movie.

When the first movie had finished, we decided that we were still awake enough for another. Del’s popped in another one and settled back against me. I was certainly wide-awake and very concerned with where she was and every single move she was making. I think I watched her much more then the movie and I was hoping that I wasn’t busted, but to no avail.

“I can’t possibly be as interesting as Angels and Demons, so really, what’s the deal, something in my hair, on my face?”

“Nah, just taking it all in, just happy to be home and here with you I guess.” I had to come up with something besides her being sexy as hell and me trying to watch her every move so she would avoid the erection that occasionally made an appearance. It’s not really like I could help it, if I could, I certainly would.

“Alright, whatever, you might be nuts though.” She laid there peacefully and watched the movie as I continued to watch her. She moved her leg to straddle across my thighs and I nearly choked again. She had fallen asleep and was completely wrapped around me. I laid there and willed sleep to come, I wasn’t planning on sleeping in her bed, but I couldn’t possibly move her. I fell asleep dreaming of her smile and all the things I wanted to share with her. I would save the presents for another day, turns out today she just needed me.

I could feel something hard under my face, my pillow didn’t feel like this, didn’t smell like this. No, Nick Carter, felt like this and smelt like this. Not that I had woken up laying on him before. I can safely assume though. I didn’t want to move, didn’t want to give up the prime spot that I had. I didn’t want to have to pretend like it didn’t bother me that he was here, that I hadn’t missed him desperately, that I was the same person. So I lay there, I took shallow breaths and kept my eyes closed. I was busted though, when I heard his voice.

“Dells, you awake?”
“Yea, I’m awake.”
“Can you get up?’
“Yup, it’s physically possible.”
“Could you do it soon?”
“I suppose.”
“I have to pee.”
“I could move now.”
“That’d be good.”

This morning’s banter was similar to all other banter, it was nice to relish in the simplicity of it. Everything in my life got complicated when he left and never came back. I used to be able to call for help, or to vent. When he had time off, mom would let me travel to see him. Then there was nothing. I was expected to be an adult and do important things like graduate college, get a job, take care of myself. How could I do that when I was empty inside? A significant part of me just missing.

“What ya wanna do today?”
“Ummm, I’m actually kind of lame. I have to get some school work done.”
“Hey, that’s cool with me, I wanna take a look at lyrics I wrote and figure out if I can do anything with them.”
“Well, I don’t have to work to long, maybe we could hike in the snow after, movie, hot chocolate, low key. Then we could always raid mom’s for dinner.”
“You may have just described my perfect day.”
“Let’s get to it then.”

We headed into the kitchen for breakfast and coffee and after usual morning routines we got to work. About an hour into working I felt hands rubbing my shoulders. I was slightly freaked, forgetting that I was not alone, however, I quickly clued in.

“Dells… I’m bored. Can we go have fun now?” I was pretty sure I had done enough work that I wouldn’t be swamped later.

“Yea, we can go have fun.” We got all bundled in our sweaters, coats, boots and mittens. I have to say Nick looked really good in a toque.

We took the dog and trudge out through the snow, it was a beautiful sunny day, cold as hell, but nice enough to be outside. We took a thermos of hot chocolate and went out to the forest. We looked at all the tracks, threw snowballs at each other and watched the dog chase sticks in the snow.

“You cold yet?” Nick must have been able to tell I was cold, since I was shaking and my cheeks were rosy.

“Yea I am, wanna walk to the clearing and drink our hot chocolate?”

The clearing was just over half way back and would give me a chance to warm up a bit. We walked back and sat on some big rocks that were clear. Nick poured the hot chocolate and we cuddled up close to share the cup. Nick wrapped his free arm around me and rubbed my back to keep me warm. It was comforting if not a little arousing. I mean, we had been friends forever, but I was most definitely not immune to him.

“You ready to head back?”

“Yea, I want to get home, I’m freezing now.”

We walked back to the house, me freezing the whole way. When we got in I made more hot chocolate while Nick found something to watch. I changed my clothes again to get warm and laid on my bed waiting for a movie. Nick climbed on the bed beside me and started the movie. I was still absolutely shaking.

“C’mere, you need to get warm.” Nick opened his arms and I crawled over next to him to lay closer.

“No no, here.” He patted in between his legs. This got quite a laugh from me but I obliged anyways. I laid in between his legs with his arms and the blanket around me. This was definitely the way to get warm, and quick. I was used to being this close to him, but not as the older version of me, the version that could find this incredibly sexy. I didn’t dwell and soon fell asleep watching the movie.

I could feel Nick shift behind me and knew that he must have been awake. I was still cuddled in close and was really not interested in moving.

“Dell… I’m hungry.” I suppose it was time for dinner. I got up and called my mom to let her know we would be over. She had pretty much assumed that. After going there for a nice dinner and some mindless TV we headed back home. My mom had spent the night giving me questioning looks at Nick’s apparent touchy behaviour. Between cuddling on the floor, playing with my fingers and helping me get my coat on; mom had a lot of ammunition for our next “girl talk.”

The behaviour didn’t change much as we arrived home. Helping me get said coat off, hugging me to warm me up. It was silly, cute, and gentlemanly, not things I was expecting. The shocker came when he asked to sleep in my bed… with me. A few years ago I could see him being egotistical enough to expect the nicer room. He was not usually like this with us, but that was because we wouldn’t let him. Now, though, to share a bed with him, felt weird. We always slept in the same bed or near each other as kids, had done it accidentally the night before. The planning and intent this time felt different, good different, awkward different, just different. I wasn’t about to say no though, not by any means.

We got ready for bed, me in the cutest but warmest pajamas I had, him settling for stripping off his shirt and pants. Dear Lord. We climbed into bed, turned on the TV and picked a string of shows that would hopefully keep our interest. I felt Nick shift closer to me, and then closer again. He reached for my hand and pulled me the rest of the way to his side. Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, he turned my face slightly to his and kissed my cheek, right to the side of my mouth. Tease.

“Good night Dells, sweet dreams.”

“Good night Nick.” As if I was gonna sleep now. I curled into him and let myself relax and watch TV until my body literally couldn’t take it any longer. Then I slept tucked into Nick safe and sound.