How Do I Become And Stay A Sane BSB Fan? by TheDistantHeart, catseye1769
Summary:

 

This handbook is specially written for those who are scared of ever becoming an ONLPF (Obsessed No Life Psycho Fan) and would like to stay sane. Or for those who just entered the Backstreet World (yes, there still are fans like those!) and have no idea how to become sane (and with that, stay sane).

Here a few rules. Yes, rules. If you want to become and stay a sane fan, you have to obey these rules.

 


Categories: Non-Fiction Characters: None
Genres: Humor
Warnings: None
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 5 Completed: No Word count: 4244 Read: 5786 Published: 02/24/11 Updated: 03/18/11
Story Notes:

This is an idea TheDistantHeart thought of after tweeting a little with catseye1769 and we decided to actually write a handbook on how to become and stay a sane BSB fan.

Hope you'll enjoy this but most of all, laugh about it! This is meant pure for fun!

 

1. Chapter One - Concerts - 1.1 The Concert by TheDistantHeart

2. Chapter 2 by catseye1769

3. 1.3 - Standing in Line by TheDistantHeart

4. BSB on the Internet - 2.1: Stalking BSB by TheDistantHeart

5. Chapter 5 by catseye1769

Chapter One - Concerts - 1.1 The Concert by TheDistantHeart
Author's Notes:

Reviews are ALWAYS appreciated!

 

Written by TheDistantHeart

 

Let’s start with the most common situation we see the Boys. Concerts. I bet that 90% of the fans (or even more) have been to a BSB concert now and have seen our lovely Boys rock the stage. Now, for a lot of fans this event is simply awesome, mind blowing and a thing to never forget. After the concert, sane fans might go to the merchandise, buy a little souvenir then head home with a smile on their face, talking miles an hour about the concert. Some have been lucky to touch one of the Boys’ hands. Some have been lucky to catch a rose, a towel or a water bottle.

Lucky or not, there are a few things you should NOT do at a concert.

1.1 The Concert

1. Don’t pull the poor guy towards you into the audience. He can get... no, he WILL get seriously injured. You don’t want any of the Boys to end up dead, now do you? Kevin leaving the group was bad enough. We want to keep all four of them! Besides, you won't make friends with actions like those! Even your psycho buddies will form a cult against you! We already have enough cults to deal with, thank you!

2. When, for example Nick, touched your hand, don’t stare at your hand, cry and scream “OH MY GOD NICK CARTER JUST TOUCHED MY HAND, I WILL NEVER WASH IT AGAIN!!!”. I understand you’re excited Nick (or any of the other Boys) just grabbed your hand, but their hands are not special. They’re just human hands. They have the same hands as you. They’re not made of gold with little diamonds on them. Calm. The Fuck. Down. And no, the world won’t end when your hand touched something else or when you washed Nick’s DNA off of it. Which leads to another point: don’t scrape your skin off your hand and try to sell it on eBay. Who wants to have the skin of another person? Ew. You’re gross! (And your hand will look like shit for the next few days)

3. Don’t pull out their hair/earring/nose piercing/dislocate their arm or leg. You won’t score any brownie points with the Boys OR their security! They don’t LIKE aggressive fans.

4. When someone catches a rose/water bottle/towel/any other object, don’t jump like a fucking monkey through the crowd and slaughter the poor girl (or boy, you never know). If you were the one to catch one of those things, would you be happy if someone went all apeshit on you and you had to go to the hospital and miss the rest of the concert? Exactly.

5. If you grab a sweaty towel.. seriously, don’t wipe the thing all over you so you have Nick’s/AJ’s/Howie’s/Brian’s sweat on you. If a random stranger, who was sweating all over, would come at you and wipe their sweat on you, would you like that? Would you nearly wet your pants? Their sweat is not much different from the sweat of any other person. I much rather watch the Boys covered in sweat (preferably with bared arms.. or bared upper body.. or no clothes at all) instead of having myself covered in it. If you think of it, it's pretty gross.

6. Just because one of them smiled or winked at you, doesn’t mean they are interested in you. Who says they smile or wink at you? For all you know, they just flash a quick smile at the crowd. So, don’t go all hysterical and text all your friends that Howie Dorough from the Backstreet Boys winked at you a thousand times (that’s a tic of him, you know) and he probably wants you. I would love to continue about what you should not do at their hotel, but I’ll leave that for later! All I’m saying is that Leigh will kick your ass! (And their bodyguards too, you don’t want to face them)

 

End Notes:

That was the first part of chapter one of the How Do I Become And Stay A Sane BSB Fan? handbook! Did you recognize anything? Did you see someone acting like this? Let us know! ;)

Chapter 2 by catseye1769
Author's Notes:
These are the V.I.P rules. Please observe.
How Do I Become And Stay A Sane BSB Fan

Written by catseye1769

One of the most important events when you become a BSB fan is the VIP event. If you are one of the lucky few that get to attend one it can be an awesome experience if you follow a few simple rules so the experience can be wonderful for everyone. You may get to meet the boys, take a few pictures with your favorite and even get a hug.
Even if these things occur you should still observe and obey a few simple rules.

1.2 The VIP sound check meet and greet.

1. When it is your turn to ask a question DO NOT ask
your favorite guy if he wants to be your boyfriend or
“hook up”. The answer will be no to both questions because a. He has a girlfriend and b. Why would he want to get together with someone that would proposition a complete stranger? And c. It makes you look like a ho bag. (no matter what you think you are a stranger to them)

2. Please for all that is holy don’t dress like a street corner tramp. Keep the girls under lock and key. Showing off your saggy assets with a pushup bra will not snag you a guy. It will just make people throw money and insults at you. You know like when you see someone else dressed that way and you walk by and cough ”ho bag”.

3. As you are being let in to find seating do not push, shove, curse, hit, bump or jump over anyone to get front row. It will result in you looking like psycho bitch from hell, will get you screamed/yelled at and might get you ejected and slapped.

4. Realize if you get the platinum package and actually meet the boys it is just that. A meet and greet. It in no way means your are or will become bff’s. You can talk to them for a few minutes maybe take some pictures and ask them politely to sign something then move on. Yes you have to let them go. Other people have waited and will cut a bitch if you hog their time.

5. Don’t ask them for their email address, phone number, home address (like they would actually tell you), or hotel room number (see rule 1) because they will look at you like you are “special”. And for those of you too fucking stupid to figure it out that is not a term of endearment.

6. It is perfectly ok to shake their hand and say thank you and even ask for a hug before you leave. They expect this. But do not grab their butt (no matter how juicy and tempting it is), crotch (yes I have seen women do this), nipple, or wrap your arms around them and refuse to let go. Trust me on this their security is tougher than you and you will get tossed out on your psycho ass.

7. I saved the most important rules for last. I do not give a flying fuck if you have a disability. Do not try to use it in hopes of getting closer to the guys. You will be found out and will look like the idiot you are.

8. No one gives a flying rat’s ass how much you paid for a cruise if you stalk them you will be thrown overboard or shot into space with the rest of the crazies. And please have the dignity to not stalk their girlfriends and pour out some lame ass sob story to get a t-shirt. You will only succeed in looking like some pathetic, lame ass retard.

9. And the absolute most important rule. No matter what you think just because you spend all of your money on tickets and plane fare to follow them, tweet them, play some online game with them, or claim that you explored each other backstage (we all know you are a lying ho when you say that) you are not now nor will you ever be friends with them. If they ran into you someplace they wouldn’t know who in the hell you were. Grow up and get a life.

10. Hi Rachel J

Ok so that is it for part 1.2 Take our advice to heart. We have extensive knowledge on this and have done twitter research. As always comments are welcome.
End Notes:
Comments are always welcome.
1.3 - Standing in Line by TheDistantHeart
Author's Notes:

 

 

Written by TheDistantHeart

Concerts: 1.3 – Standing in Line

Before I start on this part, I will give you one advice: save money for a VIP! Standing in line for a VIP is much better than standing in the normal line! But, as you read in 1.2, VIP also has its dark sides. That’s why we must stand and fight against the crazies! SANE FANS FTFW! SPREAD THE WORD!

Now let’s finally start, shall we?

1. DRESS NORMAL FOR FUCKS SAKE! There are skirts for sale where people don’t see your crotch. Just stay out of the porn store. These days, all Boys are taken. I’m sure they won’t take skanky groupies anymore. It’s not the Millennium era. You’re not a teen anymore (well, there are still teeny fans but let’s say I’m addressing this to all grown up fans.. even when you are a teen, you’re not supposed to dress like that!). They’re not teens anymore. WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD! Besides, if you want to make a good impression, you won’t achieve anything by wearing skanky skirts, ‘leather bras are so not done’ tops and heels with the height of the statue of liberty. Look around you. You’ll be the odd one out there. Besides, people will so be talking about you. You know damn well how mean girls can be. They love to gossip. And this time they are allowed to gossip. (Pssh, if you truly insist on wearing a skanky skirt, make sure you shave in all the right places! ‘Oh my God! Is that Donkey Kong?!’)

2. Is that a bus? OH MY GOD! I BET THE BACKSTREET BOYS ARE IN THERE! AHHH!!!!!

Seriously, stop making yourself look like a nutcase and don’t think every single bus might be filled with Backstreet Boys. Don’t go running like a maniac after it. Don’t scream your head off. Don’t. Just don’t. You also do that when you’re waiting for the bus?

*bus comes* *doors open* Driver: Good morning ma’am.
You: OH MY GOD! ARE THE BACKSTREET BOYS HERE?! ARE YOU A BACKSTREET BOY? I BET YOU’RE WEARING A MASK! *pulls at driver’s face* OH MY GOD AJ, I KNOW IT’S YOU!!!!

3.  Don’t brag about all the things you would do to your favorite Boy. Because you will never get to do it. Sorry I crushed your dreams but that’s life. Life? You don’t know what life is? Maybe you should get one. It’ll make everything so much easier for us normal human beings. And no, a life is not available at the porn store.

4. Be happy or at least, pretend to be happy for the fan who just told you they met one of the Boys. Don’t scream like a chimp and pull the poor fan’s hair out. Don’t shred her to pieces. Don’t rip off her head, play volleyball with it with your other psycho buddies (honestly, I can see this happening) and don’t be a jealous stinker. Your time will come. If you follow this handbook, your meeting with them will be more pleasant. Trust me.

5. Just like a bus is a bus, a car is a car. It doesn’t necessarily have the Boys in it. So don’t flash the car. You could flash a perv for all you know. You’re a perv too, by the way, so maybe you finally found your match!

6. This will make me rip your head off and play volleyball with it: offering sex to the guards at the door so you can get in first or get backstage. YOU WHORE! You know, I know this spot in Amsterdam where they would love girls like you. Want me to book a flight for you? You’ll be more than welcome! By the way, I’m not sure if it would work. Those guards aren’t stupid if you think so. I’m sure they would love to keep their job. (And we DON’T want our Boys get killed!)

7. Don’t strip naked to attract attention. The Boys are inside the building. If there are windows and they can look through it, they won’t stare at the damn crowd all the time. Besides, you will embarrass yourself BIG TIME. And if the Boys would be looking at you shaking your boobs, it won’t leave a great impression either. Sure, they wouldn’t mind seeing a pair of boobies (Brian: Oh lordy, censor! *shields eyes* - Okay, well, maybe not Brian because he’s ‘happily married’. *whispers* wuss) but they wouldn’t grab you out the crowd and hump you like no tomorrow. Nope. Because, not only Brian is happily married, Howie is too. AJ will be soon (that’s what we all will hope for, at least. Yes I said, ALL) and Nick… uh… he’s happily taken (YES HAPPILY! We’ll get to the girlfriend and wives later on). You can go and say ‘well Nick and AJ haven’t been all too faithful in the past’. Like you said, in the PAST. Us sane fans are just hoping these girls are ‘the one’ for them. Because we actually don’t keep ourselves preoccupied with the lives of their girls. I’m getting off track, we’ll get to that chapter later on.

Standing in line should be a lot easier from now on! You have more ideas for this? Or any experiences? Does some of these things sound familiar? Don’t hesitate and leave us a review! ;)

BSB on the Internet - 2.1: Stalking BSB by TheDistantHeart
Author's Notes:

Due to lack of energy, more things will be added later! & sorry it took so long before this was posted! I kept forgetting to write this! I suck at updating.*pulls bag over head and goes to corner*

Written by TheDistantHeart

Chapter 2: BSB on the Internet.

2.1 – Stalking BSB

Ooooh this is gonna be FUN! I looooove talking (read: bitching) about little psychos on the internet! MUAHAHAHAHA! *imagine an evil laugh hollering through your house like an earthquake*

I think nearly every normal fan who’s pretty active on the internet, has experienced their fair share of crazies. Whether it be on Twitter, Facebook, MySpace (RIP), Tumblr, a forum, a fanfiction website.. everywhere on the internet you’ll find some fucked up people. In my short time as a BSB fan, I have been annoyed or amused by a lot of crazies.

My best experiences are from Twitter. If you are searching for a piece of entertainment, go search some BSB crazies on Twitter. They do a LOT of things that’ll make you laugh.. or makes you want to punch them in their face.

1. Do NOT send a gazillion tweets asking them to tweet you, say hi to you, say happy fucking birthday to you, when they are coming back to your country, when there´ll be new stuff etc etc ETC! When you tweet your question 3 times.. meh.. you’re getting close to exceeding the tweet limit. When you tweet it 2 times.. acceptable. You’re going the right way. When you tweet it one time: THAT’S IT BABY! I think they’d be highly annoyed when their timeline is full of your endless nagging. Of course, you can ask it the next day or maybe after a few hours. But not every damn second. Please, have mercy! .. No that won’t be me begging you, that’ll be you begging me, if you spam their damn timelines, right before I’ll get you in a plane and throw you out into the middle of the ocean and let you swim with sharks. BE AFRRRRAID.

2. @brian_littrell omg brian I love you so much I have been a fan for 13 years and I will never stop thinking about you! You are my idolll!!!! 1 second ago

@skulleeroz AJ I LUV UUUUUU!!!!!! I WANNA SEE UUU!!!!! 2 seconds ago

@brian_littrell pls i want to meet you! :) I am your biggest fan!!!!! 3 seconds ago

@nickcarter I AM YOUR FAN FOR 15 YEARS NOW!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU!!!!!! YOU’RE SO HOT!!!! 6 seconds ago

OH PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP!

@howie_d howieeeee!!!!! TE AMOOOO!!!!! Please come back to españaaaa!!!!! 10 seconds ago

Ok ok. Howie needed some love too. But really, stop it. It’s not like they will tweet you back and say “I LOVE YOU TOOOOO!!!!!! MARRY ME NOW!!!!”. It looks stalkerish and it makes you look like a teen. Even so, if you’re a teen, cut it out. It’s annoying as heeeeyull! You’ll only embarrass yourself in front of them. IT’S TRUE! I MEAN IT! FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY FUCKING HEAAAAART!!!!

Uh.. yeah.. let’s continue.

3. Here’s a thing I’ve actually seen. Don’t create fake profiles on of the guys on Facebook and send messages between “his” and your account back and forward like you two are a couple. Great, you can live in your own pink fantasy world. But remember that you’ll have no social life. This is probably one of the worst things you can do. It will probably reach the top 10 of craziest shit fans have done. Sure, you think you look cool “dating” one of them. But it’s not when you slip and people find out. If that happens, you should bury yourself alive. No funeral, please. We can cry though. Oh no, one piece of entertainment less! *sob* Or.. we can celebrate. VICTORY TO THE SANE FANS! LET’S HAVE A PARTAAAAY!!!

4. Don’t follow people who know the Boys in hopes to get close to them or in hopes the Boys will follow you. It’s okay to follow Leighanne, just because you like her or if you think her tweets are funny. Same goes for Rochelle and Jen. If there’s a guy who’s AJ’s friend, you can follow him for his tweets. But if you seriously think their friends, family, whothehellever will get you closer to the Boys, you’re dead wrong! Just accept that there's 0,00001% chance you will become close friends with them. Your duty is to just be a nice normal fan. Yeah you can crawl into a corner and bawl your eyes out but that’s the truth!

5. Don’t try to find their personal contact details. It won’t be all over the internet unless one of them is just being incredibly stupid and accidentally drops their phone number on twitter because they thought they were sending a personal message to someone! *glares at a particular blonde* Even if you do manage to find out their address, don’t try to break in (you really think they don’t have a security system? Have fun in jail!) or get a piece of grass and keep it in a jar just because it’s from their frontyard. (IT’S JUST GRASS! Fucking sheep!)

 

End Notes:

*pulls bag off and comes back from corner* At point number 2 I didn't mean to insult the Spanish fans! I LOVE SPAIN!!!! I don't think Spanish fans are psychos! At least not all! .. *pulls bag back on and goes back to corner*

*comes back from corner and screams through bag* Oh yah.. REVIEWS ARE ALWAYS APPRECIATED! :D *runs back*

Chapter 5 by catseye1769
Author's Notes:
written by catseye1769
HOW DO I BECOME AND STAY A SANE BSB FAN?
Written By Catseye1769

One of the most important things you will do as a BSB fan will be online communication with other BSB fans. You will probably make some lifelong friends as you have so many things in common. Mainly a love of a wonderful bunch of musicians. (and if you don’t think they are actual musicians then stop reading now, kiss my ass, and go listen to N’Stink) You may also attempt to communicate with BSB through email from their website or Twitter. There are several good and not so good ways to go about this. Most of which I will cover here.

1.3 Online Communication (or attempted) with BSB and Other BSB Fans

1. Once you become a BSB fan you will develop sleuthing skills that will rival the CIA, FBI and MI6 combined. You may discover old or new phone numbers, past hookups on Twitter, message boards. You may on occasion tweet them and if you are extremely lucky you may get a tweet back. Once in awhile sending a tweet is fine but please for all that you hold dear do not continuously fill up our timelines with 97 tweets in a row because you want a birthday shout out. All you will do is succeed in pissing people off and 1 or 2 things will happen. 1. You will get blocked 2. You will get unfollowed.

2. I do not care how many old hookups (one night stands, hump & dumps, encounters) you find online, following them WILL NOT get you any closer to BSB. It will make your sad, sorry ass look like the pathetic loser you are.

3. As you have by now figured out twitter is the main form of communication between BSB fans which can be a good thing most of the time. However there are some that have not figured out that spending hours online looking up their family, best friends and girlfriends/wives/fiancÚs then following (read stalking) them will not get you closer to them. You will once again look like the pathetic loser you are.

4. Some of the ladies you will meet on twitter are wonderful authors of some fantastic fiction and I encourage you to read and review. However if you take it to mean that they are actually talking about really people (with the exception of BSB) and leave them nasty reviews then you are a retarded bitch who needs to go back to your cave along with that tall brunette ho from Europe.

5. This may be the worst offense of them all hypocrisy. If you get pissed off at other fans that attempt to see/talk to or meet BSB then you do the same you become a hypocritical bitch. (if you take offense at this them you are obviously are one)

6. This next one is a personal pet peeve of mine and I do not give a damn who doesn’t like it. If you sign up to play an online game with any member of BSB then start tweeting or emailing like you are intimate friends allow me to let you in on a secret. You are in no way friends with them. All you are is a pathetic idiot. They do not care who you are or what your name is. All they care about is playing the game. Period. So following their friends, tweeting their girlfriends, tweeting them to call you once again makes you look like a pathetic idiot and if it brings you to their attention trust me on this it will not be in a good way. Can we say restraining order. Play the game and be happy.

7. On occasion BSB plans fan events which any and all are welcome to attend although you may have to join their fan club to purchase tickets. These will range from acoustic shows to cruises. And from what I hear they can be extremely fun and a fantastic way to meet your favorite Backstreet Boy. However if you are unable to attend then proceed to whine and bitch all over twitter and your website about how you are sick and tired of hearing about them then do a complete 360 and decide to go you become a hypocritical bitch. I can certainly see not being able to go because of the money issues and that is fine. However do not pitch a fit and call other fans cunts because they can go. Because if you do that then decide to attend the same event then you become a hypocritical cunt yourself.

8. Many of the ladies (and a few men) you will meet have a particular thing for a certain Backstreet Boy. I say to each their own. They will talk constantly about said boy. Again to each their own. But when you go on and on in the same manner then proceed to bitch because other people do the same thing you again become a hypocritical bitch. This goes along with bitching because certain people tweet their favorite guy and actually get a tweet back. Good for them. Why you would complain when you have done the same thing is beyond me.

9. If you follow a certain Backstreet Boy and for some reason he blocks you then take a hint. It was not an accident. He does not want anything to do with you and constantly tweeting his wife and friends to ask him to unblock you won’t work. Take the hint and go back to your rubber room.

10. BSB have been known to send shout outs, birthday greetings and occasionally a signed picture. But if any of you think that by constantly bugging them you will get one. WRONG!! They are very busy and hardly have time for themselves let alone people that constantly bug them.

11. One last thing. Please for every fan out there if you are fortunate enough to run into any one of the guys when they are eating have mercy and leave them be. No one I repeat no one likes to be bothered when they are eating. Especially them. You will run into their security and from what I have heard they are not to be messed with.

This is all for now. Please read and if you see yourself in here well then you have a few things to change. And if you see yourself and get mad too damn bad. The truth hurt. Deal with it.
12. Hi Michelle. =)
End Notes:
Reiviews and comments are always welcome.
This story archived at http://absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=10493