My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter One

                December 18th, 2009

 

I’m on my way home, sitting on the plane going to LA after landing in New York. It was a long ass tour. I got a new tat, Betty Boop with my Grandmothers name under it, can’t wait to show Chels and Nadia.  Speaking of Chels she’s doing well, no headaches in I don’t know how long, a couple of months at least and the ones she has had were just normal headaches. Ohh and happy 18 weeks day!! Tomorrow we have the Ultra Sound and I can’t fucking wait.  I hope we get to find out boy or girl, I always thought I wanted a boy but now I just don’t know.  Another girl would be cool but a boy would be awesome.  Although I feel for Nadia, I guess Cheslea’s been a little on the overly bonding side.  I think it’s because of those hormones everyone’s always talking about but I think I got a surprise in the works for tomorrow after the ultra sound for her; hopefully it’ll chill Nadia out a little cause she might snap soon.  Ha-ha.  I’m off now till February. Sweetness, gonna enjoy this time with my fam, I love saying that, my family.

 

AJ threw his bag over his shoulder and shut the door to his car.  He walked to his front door with an excited pace and reached for the knob, as he skipped over his front step.  With his keys in his hand he fumbled with them until he found the one to the house.  He was still getting use to the new key and the new house.  They had just moved in last month, he was able to line up the moving with a small three day break on tour.  Chelsea and Nadia both loved the place but he was still getting use to it.  Slipping the key into the door he unlocked it and then turned the knob as he pushed open the door.  When he opened the door he could hear the sound of the TV and someone in the kitchen.  He looked to the couch and saw Chelsea stretched out watching TV.

“Hello!” He shouted into the house as he dropped his bag by the closet.

“Dad, sweet you’re home!” He heard Nadia shout from the kitchen as Chelsea sat up.

 

“Hi sweetheart” He smiled as he started to walk over to her but he was cut off by his daughters arms wrapping around him as she popped up in front of him.

 

“Hi” Chelsea replied with a smile as he wrapped his arms around Nadia.

 

“How ya doing kiddo?” He asked as he looked down at Nadia.

 

“I’m good” She replied but them made a really tense face, implying about the stress Chelsea’s put her under.

 

AJ chuckled as he hugged her again.  “Can you grab me drink?”

 

“Dew?” Nadia asked.

 

“You know it.” He replied.

 

AJ smiled as he watched her walk out of the living room and into the kitchen.  He looked back to Chelsea and she was watching the TV again so he walked over to the couch and knelt down in front of her.  Her eyes drifted to him and she smiled as he smiled.

 

“Don’t get up or anything.” He said sarcastically.

 

“I won’t, because if I do I might topple over.” She replied and AJ giggled.

 

“Chels your only five months, how big can you be?” He replied smiling.

 

“Not that.” She replied rolling her eyes lightly. “I get a little dizzy and sometimes I just lose my balance. Doctor says it’s normal as my uterus moves to the center of my body.”

 

AJ nodded not really sure what she was talking about. “Right.”

 

Chelsea smiled and rolled her eyes.  “Usually it’s down here.” She said as she pulled back the covers and AJ saw the bump.  He hadn’t really seen it yet, being on tour when they found out.  “Now it’s here.”

 

He put his hand on top of her stomach, it wasn’t the big baby bump that you see near the end; it was small almost like the size of a half a basketball.   Usually when he was filled with emotion; it was sadness, hate, pain, or loneliness.  But this feeling, this feeling that was swirling through out him was of pride.  Her left hand gently slid across his and he looked up at her.  They both smiled and AJ couldn’t help but wonder if she was thinking about the things he was thinking about. 

 

The moment he saw her sitting at the table, when Kevin had brought him to that place in Mexico and when he held her later that night.  The way he felt when he woke up and saw her at the hotel in Kentucky, the night that started the problems with Jerald and Tim.  The work it took to realize they would never be with each other again, whether it was because he thought she was dead or she thought he would have had a life that left her behind.  To the realization that there was a second chance and they’re lives could still be shared together.

 

“So how was the tour, what did ya get me?” Nadia asked as the couple’s moment was broken and they looked at their daughter.

 

“Nadia” Chelsea sighed.

 

“He told me on the phone he got me something.” She replied a little defensive.

 

“Go grab my bag.” AJ said with a laugh and then he looked at Chelsea.

 

“How are you doing?” He asked.

 

“I’m tired but ok” She replied.

 

“Still having trouble going to sleep?” He asked as Nadia walked over with his bag.

 

“Yeah” She nodded.

 

“And what about you, how’s school?” He asked.

 

“Its school” Nadia replied with a shrug.

 

“She tried out for the Volley-Ball team.” Chelsea said with a smile.

 

“You did, why didn’t you tell me?” AJ asked as he looked back to Nadia.

 

“Dunno, I didn’t really want to but Kandis was trying out, so I went along.” His daughter replied.

 

“Well did you make it?” He asked.

 

“Yeah” Nadia nodded.

 

“Seriously?” AJ asked a little surprised.

 

“The team was posted yesterday.” Nadia said.  “We both made it.”

 

“Kick ass.” He smiled as he raised his hand and she reluctantly high fived him.  “What it’s not cool to high five anymore oh wait it’s this now.” AJ said as he closed his hand into a fist.  “Come on, don’t leave me hanging.” He said when Nadia didn’t do anything.  With a roll of her eyes she fist bumped him back.  He heard Chelsea giggle at them but he ignored it and reached into his bag.  On purpose he struck up a conversation with Chelsea playing it off as if the gift inside was no big deal. 

 

Nadia took the plastic square package that was wrapped in shinny silver wrapping and looked at it confused.  She flipped it around a few times and then began to pull off the paper.  He knew there would be silence as he looked out the corner of his eye and saw her staring at the package.  He saw as her eyes light up and she gasped with excitement.

 

“O.m.f.g.” She spoke saying each letter.  “How did you get this?” She asked as she looked at AJ.

 

“What is it?” Chelsea asked a little confused.

 

“This…” Nadia said holding up to reveal a CD with the words Nick Jonas and the Administration written across it with a picture of Nick Jonas on the cover.  “This is his solo CD it’s not out yet, how did you get this?!” She asked with her eyes as wide as a deer caught in headlights.

 

“Met up with him and his brothers at the MTV European Awards, he had a few on him, so I told him what a big fan you were and he gave me one.” AJ said as she opened up the booklet.

 

“To Nadia, hope you like it, love Nick.” She read as he eyes scanned over the hand written note on the booklet.  “Oooh my gawd!!” She squealed as she stood up.  “I gotta call Kandis she’s never gonna believe this!” and with that Nadia took off like bat outta hell up to her room.

 

“Hmmm” AJ said with a small frown.

 

“What?” Chelsea asked still laughing at her daughter.

 

“Is that what I put other girl’s parents through?” He asked.

 

“Most likely” Chelsea said laughing and nodding.  “But you are now by far the best dad in the world.”

 

“Yeah” He replied with a smile.  “Wait till she see’s what I have planned for tomorrow.”

 

“Yes what do you have planned for tomorrow?” Chelsea asked.

 

“It’s a surprise” AJ replied lifting his head up a little in an ‘I’m not telling’ motion.

 

Chelsea slowly crawled from the couch and sat down on his lap as he sat cross legged on the floor; she leaned in and gently kissed him on the lips.  It had been to long since they last kissed, with him being away and Chelsea needing to be here so Nadia could go to school.  His hand slipped up her back as their tongues lovingly flicked back and forth at each other.

 

“Now will you tell me?” Chelsea whispered.

 

“Nope” AJ whispered back.

 

Chelsea pulled back and frowned.  “You suck” She said as she lightly smacked him on the shoulder.

 

“No” AJ replied shaking his head.  “I believe that’s your job.”

 

“Alex!” Chelsea gasped as she slapped him harder on the same spot and he started laughing.  Then the two were startled by pounding on the floor, nothing serious just the sound of an excited fifteen year old jumping up and down in her room.  Then they heard the bedroom door open, footsteps speeding down the hall and the stairs and then Nadia flying into the living room.

 

“Can Kandis come over, maybe stay for supper?” She asked.

 

“Up to you.” Chelsea said looking at AJ.

 

“Yeah it’s cool.” AJ nodded with a light smile.

 

“Yay!” Nadia squealed as she put the cordless phone to her ear. “Okay they said you can, we can listen to it…” Her voice trailed of as she went upstairs and it got the couple laughing again.

 

AJ looked at Chelsea she was smiling as she stared at the stairs but he could tell in her eyes there was some worry there.  “What are you thinking about?”

 

“Huh?” She replied looking at him a little confused.

 

“Just seems like there’s something on your mind.” He told her.

 

Chelsea shrugged.  “I dunno, sometimes I worry.”

 

“About?” He asked as she looked at him.

 

“Maybe she’s adjusted to quickly, that there’s still some resentment in her, somewhere.” Chelsea replied. 

 

“Is that why you’ve been doing the lets get to know each other smothering?” AJ said.

 

“Smothering?” Chelsea replied.

 

“From what Nadia has told me, yeah just a little.” AJ said as Chelsea frowned.  “I know you love her, I know you feel like there’s a lot you have to make up for, I mean I do to hence the cd.” He said with a light laugh and Chelsea smiled.

 

“When we found her I was in the Coma and then I left with her.” She told him.  “I wasn’t there for a whole month, I didn’t have that time with her, and you did.”

 

“But you can’t push it.” AJ replied as he took her hands.

 

Chelsea sighed.  “I know it’s just that with the baby everything’s been a whirl wind and I don’t want her to feel left out or anything.”

 

“And that’s great so now just ease up and let her take it in, she’ll come around.” AJ told her as lightly kissed the back of her hand.

 

“How’d you get so smart?” Chelsea said as he hugged her.

 

“I have my moments just remember for every smart thing I say or do, I do three dumbass ones; in no particular order.” He sighed and it made her laugh.

 

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Two

                AJ sat at a stop light waiting for it to turn green.  He looked over beside him and lightly smiled when he saw Chelsea sitting in the passenger seat, her jacket on her lap as she looked out the side window.  They were on their way to the Ultra Sound and AJ was a mess of nerves plus the stomach flopping wasn’t helping.  The man behind him honked and AJ looked at the light and realized it was green; he stepped on the gas and went through the intersection. 

 

“Where did you go?” Chelsea said with a light laugh.

 

“I was just looking.” AJ replied as he looked out the front window.

 

“At what?” Chelsea asked.

 

“You” He replied and he was shocked she even asked.  She laughed and shook her head.  “What?” He replied at her laughter.  “I can’t admire my beautiful wife?”

 

“So what time are we doing this surprise for Nadia that I know nothing about?” She asked.

 

“Well after the Ultra Sound I was thinking we’d go for lunch and then pick Nadia up from school, from there we’ll do the surprise and then go out for dinner or something.” AJ replied as he pulled into the doctor’s office.

 

“You’re still not going to tell me what it is are you?” Chelsea asked as she unbuckled her seatbelt.

 

“Nope” AJ replied

 

He got out of the car and met her at the walkway to the front door.  Reaching for her hand he waited for her to take his as they walked up to the office and he couldn’t help but smile at her; he was so excited.  They entered the building and made their way to the elevators.  AJ pushed the button and looked up at the numbers as the light blinked behind the number three.

 

“Are you excited?” He asked as they waited for the elevators came down.

 

“Getting nervous.” She replied.  “Hope everything is ok”

 

“I’m sure everything will be fine.” AJ said as he slid his hand across her back.

 

With a loud ding the elevator announced that it had reached their floor and as they door opened the couple walked into it.  They were the only ones around so there was no need to wait for anyone so AJ pushed the ‘Door Close’ button.  When the elevator started to pull them up he leaned over and gently pressed his lips to the side of her neck, giving her a gentle kiss.

 

As he pulled away she looked at him.  “Love you” He whispered.

 

“I love you too Alex” She replied and they both leaned in for a quick gentle kiss.

 

They walked into the office and told the receptionist that they were there; they then took a seat in the waiting room as they waited to be called.  He looked over at Chelsea when she picked up a magazine and started skimming through it.  His head then turned to the clock on the wall to see what time it was.  They still had fifteen minutes until their appointment.  He felt like a kid waiting to open up the presents on Christmas morning.   Seeing the packages under the tree and trying to guess what was in each one.  Would it be a boy or a girl, of course he always answered “I don’t care as long as it’s healthy” but deep down he wanted a boy.  Until he changed his mind and wanted a girl, now he just doesn’t know, he really would be happy with both.  Both…what if it was both.  His eyes darted to Chelsea’s stomach, was she big enough to be carrying twins? He had both been through Leigh-Anne carrying Baylee and Leigh carrying James but he never really paid attention that entirely well.  Now he wondered.

 

“What if it’s twins?” He whispered to her and she looked up from the magazine.

 

“It’s not twins.” Chelsea replied with a light shake of her head.

 

“How do you know?” He asked.

 

“I think I would know if there was two.” Chelsea replied.

 

“Well, you never know.” He said as he looked back at the clock.

 

“Then it’s a good thing we bought the new house with four bedrooms instead of three.” She said as he looked back at her and then he smiled.

 

“Mrs. Mclean?” A tall woman said and they both looked at her as she stood beside the nurse’s station.

 

“Here we go.” Chelsea said as she stood up with a sigh.  AJ stood up and took her hand after she had put down the magazine.  They followed the nurse together and walked down the hallway.  They past door and after door each one numbered than at the end of the hall they saw the door that read “Ultra Sound Room One”. The woman opened it and nodded for them to go in.

 

“Change into this, you can leave your pants on and have a seat on the table when you’re done.” She told Chelsea with a smile.  “You can change behind that curtain.” The nurse said before closing the door.

 

“Or right here I don’t mind.” AJ spoke up with a sly smile.  Chelsea raised her eyebrows at him as she walked around the curtain and he giggled to himself.

 

Within a minute she was changed into the hospital gown and sitting on top of the table. AJ sat beside her on the stool and they waited for the Doctor to enter.  His eyes darted across the room as he looked at all the posters and papers that talked about babies, ultra sounds, and everything else that had to do with Pregnancy.  When he heard the door knob turned he looked over to the door and saw Chelsea’s Doctor walk into the room.

 

“Chelsea, Alex how are we today?” She asked as she took a seat on the other side of Chelsea and the table.

 

“Good” Chelsea nodded. 

 

“How have you been sleeping?” She asked.

 

“When I can get to sleep great.” Chelsea replied with a smile and the Doctor smiled back.

 

“And how have the balance issues been?” She asked as she looked at her clip board.

 

“Not so bad the last couple of days.” Chelsea told her as AJ listened intently; he hadn’t been to many Doctors appointments because of touring so we wanted to make sure he listened to everything they talked about.

 

“Ok well why you don’t lay back and lift the gown up over your belly.” The Doctor said

 

As Chelsea did what the Doctor told her to do AJ watched as the woman grabbed a plastic bottle from the try hanging beside the TV to the Ultra Sound machine.  She shook it a couple of times up side down.

 

“This might be a little cold.” She said to Chelsea before she squirted some gel onto Chelsea’s baby bump.  Then she grabbed the rod, pressing onto Chelsea’s belly and spreading the gel around.  Both AJ and Chelsea watched the TV monitor intently as it came in and out of focus.  Then soon there was a dark blob on the TV and white patches everywhere. They waited patiently as the woman would move the rod around and then stop, press some buttons and then move somewhere else.  AJ couldn’t make out anything he was seeing, he thinks he knows where the head is, and he thinks he saw a nose, maybe a foot too.

 

“Okay” The Doctor said as she stopped what she was doing and looked at Chelsea and AJ.  “I was just taking pictures of the skull, spine, and getting a look at the development.” She told them as AJ looked from her to the screen.  

 

“How is the development?” Chelsea asked.

 

“Going good, you are right on target with your eighteen week.” The Doctor smiled and Chelsea smiled at AJ.

 

“Would you like to see and hear the heart?”  She asked.

 

“Yes” Chelsea nodded as AJ agreed with her. 

 

The woman reached over and flicked a switch, she then moved the wand over to a place she was before and slowly slid it around the spot.  Then AJ heard it, it was a deep whopping sound, and it was quicker than a regular heart beat.  His heart began to beat fast, almost in a rhythm to the one echoing through out the room.  He looked down at their hands when he felt Chelsea’s hand go tight around his and then he looked up at her.  She was staring at the screen; he took a quick glance and saw the movement on the TV completely in sync with the heartbeat coming from the speakers.  His eyes darted back to his wife and she was now fighting back tears, her eyes still locked on the monitor screen.

 

“Do you want to know the sex?” She asked and Chelsea nodded. “It’s in a good position so we should be able to tell.” The woman moved the wand down a little ways sliding it around her side.  “And I do believe…” She said as she studied the picture.  “Yes, it’s a Boy.” She said with a smile.

 

“Sweeeeeeeeeet!!!” AJ’s mind screamed as he looked at Chelsea and smiled brightly, it made her laugh through her tears.

 

“Now if you would like we can do another ultra sound at around seven months, it’s not mandatory but most parents go with it because they just like to see an update on their baby.” The woman told them.  “But if you are choosing to go to a private Ultra Sound Office that seem to be so popular these days, then you won’t need to do one here.”

 

“Okay” Chelsea nodded.  “We’ll talk about it.” She said looking at AJ and he nodded back.  He was still not able to say anything without screaming it because he was so ecstatic right now.

 

“Okay, well then I will let you get dressed and you can be on your way, make sure you book your next months visit and just call my receptionist when you decide about the Ultra Sound.” The Doctor told them with a bright smile before she got up and left.

 

“Are you ok?” Chelsea asked as she sat up pulling the gown down with a light smile.

 

“Yeah” AJ replied smiling.   “I’m just; first the heart beat than to hear he’s a boy, I’m just.”

 

“Yeah” Chelsea replied with an understanding smile.

 

“Can’t wait to tell Nadia.” He said as she got up. “How do you feel?” He asked while watching her walk behind the curtain and started to change.

 

“I’m still soaking in the heart beat; I don’t think it’s hit me about the boy thing yet.” She replied with a light laugh as he stood up from the stool. “Ready?” She said as she walked out from behind the curtain and met him in the middle of the room.  But AJ didn’t say anything wrapping his arm around her waist and pressing his lips against hers.  His free hand reached up and cupped the side of her neck, as her mouth opened and let his tongue slip in.  At that moment he didn’t care they were standing in the middle of an Ultra Sound room and a nurse or assistant could walk in at any minute.  The only thing he cared about was him and Chelsea and the kiss they were sharing right now.  Everything that had happened before she came back may have put him through hell but it made him stronger, it made him who he was this very minute.  His past made him ready for this, for her, for him.

 

“God I love you Chelsea” He whispered as their foreheads rested against each others.

 

Chelsea pulled him into a hug.  “I love you too”

 

AJ stood there with her in the middle of the room, his arms wrapped around her as tight as he could without squishing her.  He let the tears of joy and contempt fall down his cheeks as he took this moment in his life in. 

 

“Alex?” Chelsea said and he pulled them apart as he looked at her.  “This is nice but…” She paused and he looked at her a little confused.  “I’m hungry.”

 

He smiled and then laughed putting his arm around her back.  “Alright let’s go.”

 

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Three

           

                AJ sat in his Range Rover as he watched Nadia get into the back.  She tossed her backpack onto the seat beside her and closed the door.  When she looked up she looked right at him and he smiled at his daughter.

 

                “So what is it?” She asked as she looked at both of them excitedly.

 

“Should we tell her now?” AJ asked as his eyes darted to Chelsea.

 

“Come on tell me.” Nadia sighed.

 

“I dunno we should wait till dinner.” Chelsea said with a shrug.

 

“Just tell me!” She replied with a little excitement.

 

“It’s a Boy.” Chelsea said with a smile.

 

“Yes! Sweet I knew it.” Nadia cheered.  “So how come you wanted to pick me up today anyways? Are we going to Kevin’s or something?”

 

“Nope” AJ replied as he turned around and prepared to pull out of the pick up zone.

 

“So where are we going then?” Nadia asked after a moment of silence.

 

“You’ll see.” AJ said as he looked at her in the review mirror.

 

“Mom” Nadia said looking at Chelsea.  “What’s he up to?”

 

“I have no idea, he won’t tell me.” She answered raising her hands.

 

“Yeah she even tried seducing it outta me and nothing.” AJ said proudly.

 

“Ew” Nadia replied as she sat back in the seat.

 

He drove them to a building in the recording district in Hollywood and put the car into park.  He unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the car as the two girls looked at him confused.  Closing the door to the Range Rover he walked to the front of the car and looked back, they were still sitting in the vehicle. 

 

“Let’s go or we’ll miss it.” He said with a laugh as he waved them over.  The girls got out and walked over to him.

 

“Does this have something to do with your solo?” Nadia asked.

 

“Nope” AJ said shaking his head as he grabbed the handle to the door.  He motioned for them to go into the building and they did. 

 

“Hello Mr. Mclean, it’s the door at the end of the hall.” The woman at the desk said.

 

“Thanks” AJ replied with a smile as he led the way for the two girls.

 

“Ok what’s going on?” Chelsea mumbled to him as she walked beside him down the hall.

 

“You’ll see” AJ said with an ‘I’m still not telling you’ smile.  When they got to the end of the hall he turned to them.  “Give me one second.” He then turned to the door and opened it; a band could be heard aimlessly playing their instruments.

 

“What is he up to?” Nadia asked looking at Chelsea.

 

“I have no clue hun, I really don’t.” She replied with a sympathetic smile.

 

Then the door opened and AJ poked his head out.  “Alright come in.”

 

Chelsea and Nadia looked at each other one more time and then walked into the large warehouse like room.  He watched Nadia more so than Chelsea as his daughter walked into the room and looked around at the people.  When her eyes just about popped out of her head, he knew she had seen it…or him.

 

“Nick invited me to come watch a rehearsal, figured you wanna tag along.” AJ said as Nadia stared at the singer as he talked to his drummer.

 

“Shut up” Nadia said looking at her Dad. 

 

AJ smiled.  “So Nick how is it coming?” He asked as he turned and looked at Nick.

 

“It’s going good.” Nick smiled as he walked over.  “I’m tired of the are the Jo Bro’s breaking up though.”

 

“Ha-ha get use to it and then when you guys do, do another album together, it’ll be your comeback.” AJ laughed.

 

“I can’t wait” Nick sighed jokingly.  He then looked at Nadia.

 

“This is my wife Chelsea.” AJ said and the two greeted each other.

 

 “So you must be Nadia.” Nick said as he looked at the smiling girl.

 

“Yep that’s me.” Nadia said smiling.

 

“Nice to meet you” He replied as he held out his hand and she shook it.

 

“I know…” Nadia replied.  “I-I mean yeah nice to meet you to.”

 

“Do you like the album?” He asked

 

“Yeah, yeah I do, haven’t stopped listening to it.” She replied with a small giggle.

 

“Awesome” Nick smiled and nodded.  “Well we’re gonna start so just grab a seat.” Nick said as he pointed to some leather chairs at the one end of the room.

 

AJ walked them over to the chairs and he couldn’t help but keep laughing to himself at Nadia’s excitement.  When he sat down he looked over at Chelsea and smiled at her, she leaned and brushed her lips past his ears.

 

“You’re amazing.” She whispered and then sat back.  He smiled at her and then looked back at Nadia.

 

The music had started playing and Nadia was bouncing away in her chair to it.  AJ hadn’t really heard the stuff before but it wasn’t bad.  It wasn’t something he would listen too everyday but seeing the smile and happiness on his daughters face was something he couldn’t pass up.  The rehearsal had gone of for a couple of hours, Nick had gotten Nadia up to dance during a couple of songs and then she helped him sing on the last one.  As they were getting ready to leave AJ took pictures of the two of them and then Chelsea took one of all three of them.

 

“So when I swing back this way with my concerts I hope to see you guys there.” Nick said as he hugged Nadia.

 

“I think she’d kill me if we didn’t.” AJ said as Nadia shot him a look and then he heard Chelsea snort in the background.

 

“Awesome, well I’ll see you guys then.” Nick said as he waved.

 

“See ya man and thanks again.” AJ said as he waved, Nadia waved, and Chelsea waved.

 

They walked out of the building and headed to their car and Nadia was on cloud nine.  “Did that just happened?” She asked looking at Chelsea and AJ.

 

“Yeah, I knew you’d like it.” AJ replied with a smile as he hit the button on the car remote to open the door.

 

“Like it, omg god Dad I loved it, that was the best, that was so awesome, to be able to watch him practice and stuff.” Nadia squealed and AJ thought she was going to hyperventilate.   “I have to call Kandis, she’s never gonna believe this.”

 

“Well first we’re going to go get something to eat.” AJ said as he started the car but Nadia didn’t hear him as she excitedly talked about what songs were her favorite and why.  He looked over at his wife who was watching Nadia with a bright grin through the review mirror.  She looked over at him and he flashed a smile as she gently rubbed his arm lovingly.

 

They stopped at a local restaurant and Nadia could not stop talking about her surprise but AJ and Chelsea didn’t mind as they listened to everything she had to say.  Near the end of dinner she had calmed down a little and started asking questions about the baby.  They were on their way home when the name conversation came up.

 

“So does that mean the name is decided?” Nadia asked.

 

“It’s between those two really.” Chelsea said as she looked at AJ.

 

“I can’t decide I like them both but then I remember he’ll be stuck with it for the rest of his life and I rethink everything.” AJ sighed.

 

“Well I like Hunter.” Nadia said.

 

“I like Austin” Chelsea replied and then looked at AJ.  “It’s up to you darling.” She said with a joking smile.

 

“Oh no, I’m not deciding this one.” He said putting up his hands. “I’m sure I’ll fuck up enough, I’m not fucking up his name too.”

 

“Alex” Chelsea sighed with a laugh as she rolled her eyes and Nadia laughed.

 

“Well you said the middle name will be James.” Nadia said.

 

“Yeah” Chelsea nodded.

 

“Ugh” AJ rolled his eyes.

 

“I love the name James and you won’t let me have it as a first name so middle it is.” Chelsea said looking at AJ sternly.

 

“We can’t have two James running around.” AJ sighed.

 

“Plus Dad do you really want his initials to be AJ?” Nadia said with a smile

 

“Crap” Chelsea sighed when she had realized the connection.

 

“Hmmm, this is true” AJ nodded.

 

“Hunter James” Nadia said still selling the name she wanted.

 

“It does have a ring too it.” Chelsea said thinking.

 

“Well we don’t need to decide right now.” AJ told them as he pulled into the drive way.

 

“I’m going to call Kandis.” Nadia shouted as she busted into the house after AJ unlocked it and head upstairs.

 

“Alright” AJ laughed as he closed the door and locked it.  When he turned around he saw Chelsea standing right in front of him.  He turned his head a little to the side. “What?” He asked wondering why she was standing there looking at him.

 

“You my dear are amazing.” She said as she slipped her hands behind him.

 

“Think you said that already.” AJ replied as she hugged him.

 

“I know but you have such a thick head sometimes I want to make sure you understand it.” She said with a loving smile as she pulled away.  His laugh was muffled by her lips and in a heart beat he was calm.  He opened his eyes as she pulled away.   “I missed you”

 

“I missed you too” He said and then kissed her on the forehead.  “But I’m home now, so anything you want or need, just ask.”

 

“Oh I plan too” She replied with a smile.  “Like maybe you could run me a bath?” She asked as she scrunched her nose.

 

AJ smiled.  “Got it, I’m on it right now”

 

“I’m going to call Anne while you do that.” She said as he leaned in and kissed her.

 

“Tell her I said Hi” AJ said as she started walking down the hall.

 

“Okay” She replied as she headed into the kitchen.

 

He walked up the stairs and walked past Nadia’s room, he stopped when he saw her sitting on her bed.  “Hey so did Kandis freak out”

 

“She wants pics” Nadia smiled.  “Can I go over there tomorrow?”

 

“Sure” AJ nodded.  “I’ll drive ya tomorrow.”

 

“Today was awesome and the CD is awesome, thanks.” She said with a light smile.

 

“I know your Mom’s been a little anal in the spending time together with ya but she just wants to make sure you know she’s there.  We’re still getting to know each other we’ve only been a family for few months and now there’s a baby coming.”

 

“It’s gonna get hectic.” Nadia replied.

 

“Yeah so she just wants to be around you.” AJ said.  “But I know you could have been a total brat and just lash out and be angry about everything.  So this was my way of saying thank you for dealing with your Mom so well plus an I’m proud because you’re handling things well.” He said as he sat back.  “But you do know that if you need to talk about what happened or how you’re feeling about everything you can come to both of us or one of us and talk ok?”

 

“I know” Nadia replied.  “It’s just things were really hard with Helen and stuff and I dunno, I like it hear cause I don’t have to worry about stuff.”

 

“Like what?” AJ asked.

 

Nadia shrugged.  “Well you guys let me be me and you don’t yell at me for stuff, you let me go out with my friends, you let my friends come here, and you guys actually care about me.”

 

AJ frowned.  “Nadia”

 

“Like I said Helen and I just didn’t click but now I know why.” She said and then she wrapped her arms around him.  “Thanks again, you’re making a pretty kick ass Dad.” AJ pulled away and looked at her. “Fine then, you rock” She replied in response to his look.

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Four

 

                AJ’s eyes slowly opened and as they came into focus he saw a brown curly hair in his face.  Reaching for it he pulled it away and saw her sleeping.  His fingers drifted from the piece of hair he held down to her neck, it drifted across her shoulder and down her arm.  They slipped from her wrist and glided around her stomach as she slept on her side.  His eyes drifted back to hers as the memories of the night before flashed into his mind.  He shimmied down the bed a little and became eye level to her stomach.

 

“Hello” He said as he stretched his hand over the bump.  “I guess I should introduce myself, I’m your Dad.  I’m on the outside but I can tell you, you have a killer crib. I want it back when you’re done tho so take care of it.” He said as he jokingly pointed at her stomach. His eyes followed his hand as his fingers trickled down her stomach.  “I’m always going to be there for you lil man, I promise.”

 

“I’m not that good at the sports stuff but I’m sure your Uncle Kevin can help ya with that, and I can teach ya how to play pool and poker.” He spoke with a loving tone.  “Your Mom will teach you all the good stuff like how to be strong.  She taught me so I know she’ll have your back.”

 

“You were always strong to me.” Chelsea voice interrupted him and he looked up at her startled. 

 

“Well there was a lot you missed.” He sighed as he looked back at his hand.

 

“I still know what you’ve been through; I think I know a little something about having to find a new life, having to start over.” She said as her hand slid over his. “I know what kind of courage and strength it takes to pull yourself through that.”  He smiled, her words putting a skip in his heart.

 

“So you never did tell me what Anne said about the news.” AJ said as he shimmied back up to her.

 

“She’s thrilled” Chelsea replied.  “She wants us to come out there for Christmas, if we didn’t have anything planned.”

 

“Who’s going to be there?” AJ asked knowing, he would be there.

 

“Kevin, Kris and Mason, Tim, his wife and kids…” She paused. “…and Jerald” She said quickly.

 

“Chelsea, I’m not risking him saying something that would upset you.” AJ sighed.  “I just can’t not now.”

 

“Even if we stayed in a hotel? We could go if he started anything.” She replied and he saw in her eyes how much she wanted to go.  He knew why too, her Mom was out there, and with the exception of Jerald, they were her family.

 

“Talk to Nadia about it but if we do it that way I guess I’m ok with it.” AJ replied as he took her hand.  “He starts anything…”

 

“And we can just get in the car and go back to the hotel or do our own thing around town or something.” She replied with a hopeful smile.

 

“I’m ok with it then.” He shrugged as she wrapped her arms around him.

 

“Thank you” She said.

 

“There you’re family Chelsea I’m just worried about Jerald.” He told her as they pulled away.

 

“I know but I think if he were to start anything right now.” She said as she looked down at her stomach.  “Kevin or Anne would kill him or Jerald himself would come back and give that boy a whoopin’” She replied with a light laugh.

 

                “Did you tell Kevin yet?” He asked.

 

“No, I called last night but there was no answer, I’ll try in a little bit.” She said as she looked at the alarm clock.

 

“I wonder if Nadi’s up.” AJ said with a sly smile.

 

“She hates it when you call he that.” Chelsea sighed.

 

“I know” He said with a smile as he looked at her.  His wife rolled her eyes at him as he crawled out of bed and got dressed.  He opened the door and took a deep breath.

 

“NADI ARE YOU UP?!” He shouted down the hall way.

 

“Alex” Chelsea sighed again.

 

“NAAAAADIIIIII!!” He shouted as he started to walk down the hall.

 

“WHAT!?” Nadia screamed from her bedroom.

 

“WHATCH’A DOIN’!?” AJ shouted back at her.

 

“STOP SHOUTING!” Chelsea yelled back at the both of them as AJ stood at Nadia’s open door.

 

“So what ya doing?” He asked.

 

“Playing Baseball” She said as she swung the Wii wand.

 

“Am  I ever getting that back downstairs?” He asked as he sat on her bed.

 

“Nope” She replied and he wondered if she was impersonating him.

 

Just then there was a knock at the door and Nadia stopped what she was doing as AJ stood up.  He walked down the stairs and across the living room to the front door.  His eye looked out the peep hole and he saw Kevin standing on the other side. 

 

“Hello” He smiled as Kevin looked at him.

 

“Welcome home man how was the tour?” He asked as AJ let him in.

 

“It was good, hectic through the last part, not enough hotel time to much bus time.” He sighed as he closed the door.

 

“Ew, I don’t miss that” Kevin replied with a laugh as he sat down.  “So where’s the family?”

 

“Upstairs” AJ replied with a nod towards the stairs but then he saw Chelsea coming down.

 

“I was just about to call you” Chelsea said as Kevin got up to hug her.

 

“Kris and I went out last night.” Kevin told her as the two hugged.

 

“Why didn’t you call me to watch Mason?” She asked.

 

“Figured you’d want some alone time with AJ getting home and all.” He said as he sat back down on the couch.  “Where’s Nadia?”

 

“She’s upstairs probably still coming down from yesterday.” Chelsea said with a light laugh as she looked at AJ.

 

“Did I miss something?” Kevin asked as he saw the couple exchanging glances.

 

“Hey Dad” Nadia said as she ran down the stairs, cordless phone in hand.  “Oh, Hi Kevin”

 

“Hi” He said with a smile as she walked around the couch.

 

“When can you drive me to Kandis’s?” She asked.

 

“Well let’s have breakfast and then I’ll take you.” AJ said as he sat down.

 

“Okay” She replied as she turned and ran back upstairs.

 

“Don’t think she’s come down at all.” AJ said looking back a Chelsea.

 

“What?” Kevin asked as he looked at the both of them.

 

“After the Ultra Sound Alex took us to see a rehearsal of Nick Jonas.” Chelsea told him.

 

“What?” Kevin asked looking at AJ a little shocked and weirded out, than he remembered the fifteen year old upstairs.  “Oooh”

 

“Yeah, scored some major Dad points yesterday.” AJ said as he clapped his hands together and rubbed them excitedly.   Kevin laughed with a bright smile.

 

“So do you want to know what we’re having?” Chelsea asked.

 

“Yes damn it, took you long enough” Kevin said sitting up.

 

“It’s a Boy” Chelsea told him with a bright smile.

 

“That’s awesome.” Kevin said with an impressed nod.  “So awesome guys”

 

“Yeah that’s now four outta the five” Chelsea sighed.

 

“Four outta five what?” Kevin and AJ asked confused.

 

“Backstreet Babies” Chelsea said rolling her eyes.

 

“Oh Nick’s having a girl.” AJ said with such certainty.

 

“Yup” Kevin nodded.  “It’s karma.”

 

“Na-ah, that’s revenge.” AJ said shaking his head. “Karma is him having twin girls.”

 

“Puts a whole new meaning to that kids ‘Double the pleasure, double the fun’ saying.” Kevin said as AJ started laughing.  “So” He said looking at Chelsea.  “Did you call Mom and tell her?”

 

“Yeah I talked to her last night.” She told him.

 

“Did she talk to you at all?” Kevin asked and AJ smiled to himself knowing Kevin was going to bring up Christmas.

 

“Yes, yes she asked me if we could think about going out there for the Holidays.” Chelsea said as she too had a smile.

 

“Have you two thought about it?” He asked.

 

“Yeah” AJ nodded.  “We’re going to get a hotel just incase Jerald starts anything.”

 

“I don’t think he would.” Kevin said with a light shake of his head.

 

“I wouldn’t put it past him.” Chelsea said.  “But I know Anne would kill him.”

 

“Well good I’m glad you’ll be there.” Kevin smiled.

 

“We still wanna run it by Nadia but Kevin I swear if he starts anything.” AJ said as he looked at his former band mate sternly.

 

“He won’t I’ll make sure of it” Kevin said.  “I promise”

 

Kevin stayed for about a half hour more and after he left Chelsea started making everyone breakfast.  They sat around the kitchen table talking more baby names and talked to Nadia about going to Kentucky for Christmas. 

 

“I’m ok with going” She said with a shrug.  “I kind wanna see what it’s like to have Christmas with snow.”

 

“Plus we’ll get to see Kevin hurt himself.” AJ nodded.

 

“Why?” Nadia wondered.

 

“Cause he hurts himself every year.” AJ told her.

 

“Not every year” Chelsea sighed.

 

“Pretty damn close then.” AJ said with a light laugh. “Usually sledding somewhere, trees, bushes, rocks, nothing’s safe when that man is flying down a hill.”

 

“That’s funny” Nadia said laughing.

 

“Are you ready to go?” AJ asked her as she put her plate in the sink.

 

“Yeah my bag’s upstairs.” She said as she turned and looked at him.

 

“Okay, go grab it and meet me outside.” He told her as he stood up and Nadia headed upstairs.

 

“Do you want to come?” He asked as he turned to Chelsea.

 

“No, think I’m going to stretch out on the couch and watch TV.” She replied with a smile.

 

He walked over to her and kissed her on top of the head.  “Alright, I’ll see you when I get back, need anything, call my cell.”

 

“Okay.” She replied as she looked up and smiled at him.

 

AJ headed to the door and as he slipped on his sneakers he heard Nadia coming down the stairs.  She quickly shoved her feet into her shoes and opened the door.

 

“Hey” AJ said as she stopped and turned around.  She looked at him innocently.  “Say goodbye to your Mom.”

 

“Oh, yeah” Nadia said jokingly tapped her forehead.

 

When AJ got to the car Nadia came back out of the house and walked up to the passenger side.  He got in and slipped the key into the ignition as his daughter closed the door and buckled he seat belt.  AJ did up his and then backed the car out of the drive way. 

 

“Have you thought about writing to Santa?” AJ asked as the pulled out from his street.

 

He could feel Nadia’s eyes staring at him.  “Um, no”

 

“Awww why not” AJ pouted looking at her.  “I still do.”

 

“What?” She said looking at him like he had lost his mind.

 

“I write my Mom a list of things I want and she sends it to Santa and then Christmas morning he brings them to her house and then she brings them to me, it’s sweet.” AJ said as he looked at his daughter from the corner of his eye.  “Besides, you could always entertain us because we’ve never done the Santa thing before and really want to?” AJ said as he looked at her while they stopped at a red light.  “And did I mention you get presents, why wouldn’t you want to write a letter to Santa.”

 

Nadia smirked and then laughed.  “Alright fine”

 

“Sweet” AJ smiled as the car started rolling through the green light.

 

They pulled up to Kandis’s house and AJ parked the car against the curb. “Ok so call me when you want to come home, if you’re going to stay for dinner call and let us know.” He said as she grabbed her bag.

 

“Okay” She replied with a smile.  Then she wrapped her arm around giving him a quick hug.  “See ya later.”

 

“Bye Hun” AJ said as she closed the door.  He watched her walk up the path and knock on the door.  When it opened Kandis’s Mom waved and closed the door behind Nalia.  He smiled to himself as he put the car into drive; this whole Dad thing wasn’t too bad.

 

 

 

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Five

            December 24th 2009

                Man it really is beautiful out here during the winter.  Made it out here last night, stopped by the house said our hello’s.  Jerald wasn’t there; he was out with his family.  All the better if you ask me but now we’re on our way over there.  I don’t think he’d try anything, or say anything, Kevin’s there and Tim too.  Thank god at least one brother finally saw the light but…never say never, I’ve learned that all to well.

 

                AJ walked into the large country style home as he held the door open for Chelsea and Nadia.  He took his sunglasses off and let his eyes adjust to the light of the house.  The house had a hint of Cinnamon and he wondered what was going on out in the kitchen.

 

“Hi guys” He heard Kevin say and he looked over toward the couches.

 

“What it do?” AJ said with a nod.

 

“I’m going to go see what Anne is cooking, wanna come?” Chelsea asked Nadia as they hung up their jackets.

 

“Sure” She replied with a nod and the two girls walked into the room, the door opening letting out even more aromas into the living room.

 

“So how are you?” Kevin asked as AJ sat down.

 

“Good” AJ replied with a nod.  “Where are Kris and the kid?”

 

“Out back playing in the snow.” Kevin said with a light smile.  “So are you sure you’re ok?”

 

AJ looked at him confused.  “Yes, I’m fine” He replied slowly not understanding where Kevin was going with the second are you ok question.  “What’s going on dude?”

 

“Nothing, I’m just wondering, you know with you getting off tour and the baby news…” Kevin then stopped and stared at AJ for a minute.  “You’ve been sober right?”

 

“Oh christ Kevin” AJ sighed.

 

“I’m just wondering man because I care and I know you and I just…just asking to make sure everything’s good.” He replied.

 

“Everything is good, I have Nadia, I have Chelsea, and I have the baby coming I’m good Kevin really.” AJ said as he sat forward a little.  “I don’t worry about my Dad any more, I’ve got my own kids to worry about now, and I know with Chelsea around I’ll never worry about being alone.  She loves me, she gets me, and she’s everything I wanted, everything I was looking for.  I want to enjoy life with them and not worry about the stupid shit that’s always bogging me down.”

 

“Good answer.” Kevin replied with a proud smile.

 

“Just don’t ask me anymore, or at least almost every time I see you.” AJ sighed as he turned into the TV.

 

“Alright” Kevin replied sitting back.  “So what did you get Chels for Christmas?”

 

“I’m not telling you” AJ scoffed.

 

“Come on” Kevin said with a quick nod.  “Necklace?”

 

“Yeah a pearl one” AJ replied with a cocky smile.

 

“Dude” Kevin sighed with a disgusted look on his face.  “Ring?”

 

“Nope” AJ said shaking his head.

 

“Really?” Kevin replied a little shocked.

 

“Really” AJ said as he moved his eyes to look at Kevin but not his head.  He looked back to the TV.  He could feel Kevin’s eyes staring at him, burning a hole into his skull.  Taking a deep breath he let out a sigh. 

 

“I’m getting her…” He was distracted by the kitchen door opened.

 

“Anyone want a cookie?” Chelsea asked as she walked in with a plate.

 

AJ looked back at Kevin.  “Awww” He pouted mocking his friend.

 

“Thanks Chels” Kevin sighed as he sat back.

 

“What?” She replied confused.

 

“Kevin was being nosy and you ruined it” AJ said with a smile as he took a cookie from the plate.

 

The kitchen door opened again and Nadia walked into the room.  “I’m going outside to play with Kris and Mason.”

 

“Alright” Chelsea said as she turned to look at Nadia.  “Hat and gloves.”

 

“Mom I’m fifteen.” Nadia sighed.

 

“Exactly, hat and gloves.” Chelsea replied as she nodded to the closet door.  Nadia gathered her things and then headed back into the kitchen.  AJ looked over at Kevin who was laughing.  “What?” Chelsea said looking at Kevin.

 

“You sounded so Mom’ish there” He smiled

 

“Ugh shut up” Chelsea replied rolling her eyes as she put the plate down.

 

The front door opened and AJ looked over as he laughed at Kevin and Chelsea bickering.  When he saw Jerald walk in his smile left his face just as fast as Chelsea stopped talking.  Kevin’s eldest brother looked at Chelsea for a minute than his head turned to AJ.  His eyes locked onto Jerald’s and the memory of what that man had done to his family ran fresh in his mind.  The memory of how confused and scared Chelsea was brought a feeling of anger onto him.

 

“Where’s Mom?” Jerald asked as he looked to Kevin.

 

“In the kitchen” Kevin replied with a nod.  Jerald looked back to AJ quickly and then walked to the kitchen door.  When he disappeared into the other room AJ looked back at Chelsea who was looking at the door with sad eyes.

 

“Besides, if I remember right you still owe me for last Christmas.” She said as she looked back to Kevin and acted like she had completely forgotten about Jerald walking in.

 

“You cheated.” Kevin sighed.

 

“No” Chelsea replied shaking her head.

 

His eyes moved back to the kitchen door, sometimes he felt bad, maybe if he had just backed off back when they first found her, maybe then Jerald wouldn’t have gone so anal, and then maybe they would be talking still, acting like a brother and sister like they use too.  Who’s to say Chelsea and him wouldn’t have still ended up together if he had backed off and then he could have saved her the heart ache.  When someone walked in front of him it woke him from his day dream and he looked up as Kevin walked through the kitchen door.  He looked over and saw Chelsea as she sat down beside him on the couch.

 

“You know I have to say I’m proud of you” Chelsea said as she looked at him.

 

“You are?” He replied a little confused about what she was proud of.

 

“You haven’t bugged me once since you’ve been home about your gift.” She smiled.

 

“Maybe I already know” AJ said to her with a playful smile.

 

“Right” Chelsea lightly laughed.

 

“Nadia’s pretty easy to get info out off.” AJ replied and her head snapped to him.  He started busting out laughing, knowing he was only playing with her but her reaction made him crack up. “It’s alright sweetheart I know nothing” He smiled at her.

 

“Good” Chelsea replied with a sigh.

 

“How ya feeling?” He asked as his hand slid down her back.

 

“A little tired.” She replied with a light shrug.  “Nothing new” As he looked back to the TV she spoke up again.  “Do you think you could take me to the cemetery?” She asked.

 

“Right now?” AJ asked as she took his and nodded.  “Ok, are we taking Nadia?”

 

“If she wants to go” Chelsea said as she stood up.

 

“I’ll go get her you get ready.” He told her as he quickly kissed her.

 

Pushing on the kitchen door he walked into the room and saw Jerald and Anne in the kitchen.  He did his best to not look at Jerald as he stopped and turned to Kevin’s Mom.  “Is Nadia still outside?” He asked.

 

“Yes she is” Anne replied with a smile.

 

“Thanks” AJ said to her as he headed across the kitchen. 

 

He walked out onto the back deck ignoring the mumbling comment Jerald had said and smiled as he watched Kevin and Nadia erupt into a snowball fight.  He stood there for a minute silently taking in the moment. 

 

“Uh-oh busted!” Kristin shouted and the two stopped throwing snow too look up.

 

“What’s up?” Kevin asked as Nadia packed another ball.

 

“I need to talk to Nadia for a second.” AJ said and as the words left his lips a snowball flew at Kevin’s head.  It hit with hard impact and it shattered into millions of snowflakes. 

 

“Not cool” Kevin said as he turned and looked at Nadia.

 

“My Dad wants to talk to me” Nadia said giggling as she started walking quickly to AJ.

 

“Don’t matter; he’ll look away sooner or later…” Kevin shouted as she walked away.  As Nadia walked up the steps she turned back to Kevin and made a sarcastic ‘I’m frightened’ oooh.

“What’s up?” She asked smiling as AJ laughed.

 

“You’re so much like me it’s awesome.” He smiled proudly.

 

“It is amusing how it scares people that I am.” Nadia answered. “So what’s up?”

 

                “I’m going to take your Mom to the cemetery, did you want to come or are you ok with staying here?” AJ asked.  “Jerald’s in the kitchen.”

 

“Yeah I know” Nadia nodded.  “But I’ll stay here, play with Mason some more.”

 

“Alright” He replied with a light smile.  “We won’t be long.”

 

AJ walked back into the kitchen and looked at Anne as she turned to him.  “I’m taking Chels to go see her Mom, Nadia’s gonna stay here, play outside some more.”

 

“Ok Darling” Anne smiled as she gave AJ a quick hug.

 

When he walked into the living room he saw Chelsea waiting by the door with her jacket on, he grabbed his from the closet, slipped in his sneakers and checked for his keys in the pockets.  “Ready?” He asked as he reached for the door.

 

“Yep” She nodded as he let her walk out first. 

 

He made sure she made it down the stairs, he hadn’t realized how dangerous stairs could be for a pregnant woman but when you think about, how many times do you miss steps, and then add balance problems, and loofiness into the mix.  He walked over to the passenger door and opened it for her.

 

“Aww thanks hun” She smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

 

“You’re welcome” He replied smiling back at her. 

 

AJ got into the car and pulled out of the drive way.  It was a quiet drive as the local radio station played a variety of Christmas music.  It lightly snowed but nothing that would cause vision problems while driving.  As they were stopped at a red light AJ looked over at Chelsea, she was staring out the passenger window.

 

“Any reason why you wanted to go there now?” He asked as she looked at him.

 

She shrugged.  “Just kind of missing her right now, want to talk.”

 

AJ frowned.  “I’m sorry”

 

“It’s ok” She replied as AJ went through the intersection.  “I’m fine really.”

 

When they pulled into the cemetery he saw a few cars driving around, it was probably the busiest he had ever seen it, not that he had been here many times.  He drove the car to the back and into the circle at the bottom of the hill. 

 

“Do you want some alone time?” He asked.

 

“If you don’t mind.” She said as she looked at him.

 

“No, I can sit here and listen to some more Christmas Music.” He smiled.

 

“Thanks hun” She said with a smile as she opened the passenger door.

 

He leaned in and kissed her.  “Anything for you sweetheart.”

 

Chelsea smiled and then got out of the car.  He watched as she closed the door and walked over to the steps going up the hill.  Normally they would just walk the hill without the steps but things were different now.  He skimmed through the radio channels hoping something wasn’t playing Christmas music.  There wasn’t much choice but he decided on the oldies station.  He looked out the window at the snow as it fell onto his car.  His fingers tapped away on the stirring wheel as he listened to the old tunes.  When he looked at the clock on the dashboard he saw about fifteen minutes had gone by.  He looked out his front window to the top of the hill, he didn’t see her.  Grabbing his keys he shut the car off and got out of the vehicle. He decided to take the stairs too since the hill was covered in snow.   When he reached the top he saw her sitting on the bench across from her mother’s grave.  Putting his hands into the pockets of his jacket he walked over to her.

 

“Hi” He said as he sat down next to her.

 

“Hi” She replied as she looked up wiping her eyes.

 

“You okay?” He asked as his fingers slid over her hand.

 

“Yeah” She sighed.  “Just missing Mom, I keep wondering what she would say right now.”

 

“She’d tell you how much she loves you...” AJ said as she laid her head on his shoulder.  “…and how she’d babysit for us anytime we needed one.” And that comment made Chelsea smile.   “She would also say what an amazing, wonderful, intelligent, strong woman you’ve turned into and that she’s proud of you.”

 

With a sigh Chelsea sat up.  “I guess we should get going.”

 

She stood up still holding onto AJ’s hand, she stopped when she noticed he didn’t move.  “We can stay longer.” He said as he motioned for her to sit back down.  Chelsea smiled at him and sat down on the bench.  She laid her head back onto his shoulders as he wrapped his arm behind her and held her, the snow falling down around them.

 

 

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Six

                “Hey!” Nadia yelled behind AJ and Chelsea’s hotel bedroom door and AJ popped his head up from the pillow.  “Hello” She said again as she knocked.  He looked over at the small alarm clock on the night stand and read the time as seven thirty.

 

“May I help you?” AJ finally replied as he sat up in bed a little more.

 

“What’s going on?” Nadia asked.

 

“What ever do you mean?” AJ replied as Chelsea moaned as she rolled over.

 

“There’s things out here” Nadia said and it made AJ giggled.

 

“Things? Yeah there’s lots of things out there, couch, TV, Mini Fridge.”

 

“Dad, you know what I mean” Nadia sighed.

 

“No I don’t” AJ replied even though he did.

 

“Ugh, there are presents out here why are there presents out here?” Nadia replied frustrated as Cheslea sat up laughing.

 

“There are?” AJ replied with a really fake surprised tone.

 

“Now you’re just pushing it Alex.” Chelsea said laughing as she got up out of bed.

 

AJ laughed as he did the same and grabbed his robe that hung on the bathroom door.  “Cut me some slack this is fun” AJ said as he met her at the door.

 

“I thought we were doing the present thing at Anne’s?” Nadia said as she backed away from the door to let them out.

 

“Hmmm I guess someone forgot to tell Santa.” AJ said and Nadia rolled her eyes as Chelsea chuckled behind him.  He walked over to the mini tree that the hotel had in their room and looked at one of the presents.  “This one says to Nadia.”

 

“Let me guess from Santa?” She replied as she walked over and took the gift.

 

“Maybe “AJ replied with a smile.

 

The couple watched as Nadia opened the gifts that were under the tree with smiles of content and excitement.  Just when Nadia was opening her last gift AJ got up and walked over to the tree.  He smiled as he picked up the perfectly wrapped present and remembered what was inside.  Turning around AJ looked at Chelsea and held the gift out for her.

 

“And this is for you.” He said as she looked up at him.

 

“Me?” Chelsea replied and AJ nodded, he knew she would be surprised because she thought her gifts were at Anne’s too.  She looked at the wrapped box confused as AJ knelt down beside her.  Chelsea untied the ribbon and opened the lid.  He saw her eyes light up as she looked inside the box.  Her head slowly lifted and she looked at him.  “What is this?”

 

“What does it look like?” He asked with a smile.

 

“A baby book” She said.  “But it’s a girl’s baby book.”

 

“Yep” AJ nodded.  “Take a look” He said nodding for her to pull out the pink plastic protected album. 

 

She pulled it out of the wrapped box and opened the thick cover, his eyes locked on hers as they raced across reading the name inside.  They stopped, frozen.  Quickly she turned the next page and he watched again as her eyes scanned the writing on the two pages.  Her eyes darted up at him and he smiled.

 

“I called Detective Wilkos had him get us the information, got a new birth certificate, Nadia helped me fill out things she remembered or was told by Helen.” He told her as she stared at him.  “There are missing parts but I figured what we got was pretty good, more than we had, you had.”

 

“Alex” She whispered as her eyes drifted back down to the book.  He didn’t even have to ask, he could see how much she loved it. 

 

AJ looked up when Nadia got up and sat down beside Chelsea.  “There’s more in the back.” She told Chelsea.  She tipped the book over and opened it up, Chelsea started crying immediately.  “I remember Helen did have pictures so Dad got the Detective to find out what happened to that stuff, it was in storage.”

 

“There sending more in a month but I was able to get the pictures before the holidays.” He said as Chelsea looked at Nadia.

 

“Thank you” She said through her tears as she looked at Nadia.  “To both of you, this-this is so amazing.”

 

AJ wrapped his arms around her.  “I’m glad you like it sweetheart.”

 

“I love you so much” She whispered and then she pulled away, turning to Nadia.  “And you too, I love you too.” She said and then hugged her daughter.

 

“I want to thank you guys for everything” Nadia said.

 

“You don’t have to thank us, you’re our daughter we do it cause we love you and we love seeing you smile.” He said.

 

“But I don’t want you guys thinking I need all this stuff to help me fit in cause anything was better than at Helen’s.” Nadia said as she looked down at her nails and AJ looked at Chelsea, who showed as much concerned as he felt.

 

“What do you mean by that?” Chelsea asked.

 

Nadia stayed quiet and it gave AJ time to think back to the conversation in the bedroom. He started to wonder if there was more to this than just her and Helen not clicking. “I just mean her having to work so much and not really having money, Christmas wasn’t that great ya know” She said with a shrug.

 

“Well we’re happy that you love everything” AJ replied with a smile.

 

“I’m going to go get ready to go to Anne’s, are we having breakfast there?” She asked as she stood up.

 

“Yep” AJ nodded.

 

“Okay” She said as she walked into her room and closed the door.

 

“Alex” Chelsea said and he turned and looked at her. “What do you think she meant by that?” She asked.

 

He frowned.  “I’m not sure, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

 

“That there’s more to how Helen treated her than just not clicking.” Chelsea said and he took her hand.

 

“Yeah” AJ nodded.

 

Chelsea sighed.  “I hate her for wasting all this time, for not giving Nadia the life she deserved but…” She paused.

 

“I know” AJ said as he pulled her into a hug.  “If it wasn’t for her Nadia probably wouldn’t even be here at all.”  He then pulled away and cupped his hand to the side of her face.  “But she’s here now, and she’s getting the life she deserves, with two parents that love each other.”

 

“What if it was bad Alex?” She asked.

 

“Don’t let your mind go there Chels, we really don’t know that much right now, if she wants to talk about it she’ll come to us, till then we just watch over her.” He said as Chelsea sighed.

 

“I just wanna sit here and look at these pictures.” She said as she opened the book back up.

 

“Take it too Anne’s I’m sure they’d love to see them too.” AJ said as she flipped through the pages.

 

“I don’t want it to get wrecked.” She said with a light laugh.

 

He took her hand and pulled her up. “It’ll be fine, now let’s get ready.”

 

 

AJ sat on the couch with Kevin and Tim as the laughter of the woman out in the kitchen broke through the walls.  AJ looked over and smiled knowing they were going through the pictures and the book.

 

“Nicely played” Kevin said and AJ looked at him.  “What made you think to do that?”

 

“After I found out she was pregnant. I was out shopping and I ended up looking at baby books.  It got me thinking about how she didn’t have anything like that for Nadia.” He told them.  “So I called up the Detective, Detective Wilkos and asked if he could help out.”

 

                “Did Nadia know?” Tim asked.

 

“Yeah, I told her what I was doing and that’s when she told me about the pictures.” He said with a nod.  “The look on her face” He smiled.  “I’m gonna remember that one for a long time.”

 

“Hey, Chelsea tells me the solo is gonna be released in Japan?” Kevin said and AJ nodded.

 

“Look’s like it January twentieth.” AJ told him. “And then Europe and hopefully North America in May.” AJ said.

 

“Dude” Kevin said looking at him.

 

“I know, the baby is due on the fifteenth but it’s not like it’s a major tour and nothing is set in stone so I’m sure I can work around it.” He said.

 

“When does Backstreet start back up?” Kevin asked.

 

“February” AJ said after thinking about it for a second. “Japan in February and then we hit up Australia and New Zealand in March.”

 

“Finally New Zealand.” Kevin sighed.  “Damn when I’m not there”

 

“You left” AJ sighed.

 

“Yeah, Yeah” Kevin scoffed as the kitchen door opened.

 

“Hey sweetheart what’s up?” AJ asked as Chelsea walked over to him.

 

“I’m tired, so I’m going to go up to my room and take a nap.” She told him and he stood up.

 

“I’ll come tuck you in” He said with a smile.

 

“Awwww” Kevin teased.

 

“Fuck off Richardson” AJ sniped as he walked up the stairs with Chelsea.

 

“So is everything ok?” He asked as he closed the door to the bedroom.

 

“Yeah I’m just tired, been a busy couple of days.” She replied as she sat down on the bed.

 

“Anything I can do?” He asked as he sat beside her.

 

“Can I get a foot rub?” She asked and he smiled.

 

He motioned for her to sit back on the bed and she smiled as she did so.  He grabbed her foot and began to rub the bottom.  She closed her eyes and laid back on the pillows.  The image of her there made him smile, made his heart flutter. 

 

“You know when I was making hot chocolate for everyone while you guys went out sledding Jerald came in and asked me a question.” Chelsea said and AJ stopped rubbing her feet.

 

“What question?” AJ asked not trying to hide his anger.

 

“He asked me how I knew at sixteen you would be the one” Chelsea said as she sat up a little.

 

“What did you tell him?” AJ asked.

 

“I told him that I didn’t know, maybe I had hoped.  Sure there was something really special there but we were only sixteen.”  She said.  “But when I saw you at the hospital in Mexico, I remembered what we had, how you made me feel and I wanted that again so badly.” She said as she looked down at the blankets.  “For thirteen years I was alone, unloved, scared, sad and then just like that…” She said as she snapped her fingers.”… One person took it all away with one hug. You’d have to be pretty stupid to give that up.”

 

“Good answer” AJ replied with a nod and it made her laugh.  “Just pisses me off he’d still ask you something like that.”

 

“Bah, let him mope and ask his stupid little questions.  We know what we have, what we share, and that’s all that matters.” Chelsea said before she leaned in and kissed him.

 

As they sat on the bed slowly kissing AJ noticed Chelsea had moved around and was now straddling him.  Her hands had slipped under his shirt and her nails gently skimmed down his stomach.  He slipped his hands from around her back and rested them on her hips.  As he let himself get lost in the kiss again something snapped him back to reality.  The clanging of his belt buckle as his belt loosened around him.

 

“Chels” He mumbled but she ignored him and kept kissing him as she reached for the zipper on his jeans.   “Chels” He said again this time pulling his lips away.

 

“Shhh” She said with a sly smile and then kissed him again.

 

His mind was racing as she loosened his pants.  What was she doing, this was Anne’s house, there were people crawling all over this house, their daughter was downstairs.  What if someone came looking for them?  She stood up on her knees and pulled his pants down leaving him sitting there in his boxers, pants around the ankles.  Before he knew it her pants were off and she was rocking her body against his.  His breathing was heavy and rapid and he tried to pull in air when their lips would part.  Finally finding some relief as her lips drifted down his neck. His body filled with worry over whether or not someone would walk in but yet it filled him with excitement.  The way she kissed him, touched him, and moved her body against his. The way she had taken him right there, taking control of what they were doing, and not caring about the people in the house.  There was no doubt in his mind she wanted him, wanted him more than she ever had before.  His body began to overload with emotion and he grabbed her face, pulling her lips back to his.  He kissed her hard and passionately as he muffled his moans of lust and pleasure.  AJ’s body shook as he hit his orgasm and she began to slow herself. 

 

“Holy shit Chels” He whispered breathless.  She lightly laughed as she leaned in and kissed him again.  When she finally pulled away she got up and dressed herself.  AJ got dressed as well and sat there still trying to grasp what had just happened.  Her arms wrapped around him from the side, her chin rested on his shoulder and he looked at her.  “Where did that come from?”

 

“Hormones” She replied with a light smile. “Plus I’ve always kind of wanted to do that, even when we were sixteen.” AJ started laughing as he turned and pulled her into a hug.  “Love you”

 

“I love you too sweetheart” He sighed.

 

 

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Seven

            February 3rd 2010

                Another day, another rehearsal and that pretty much sums up my week.  We leave tomorrow night for Japan; it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve been there.  My solo is doing surprisingly well, well not surprising for me but for the record company.  So much so they are thinking of upping my North American release date.  Which is good, for when the baby comes, I will most likely be around and not have to juggle an insane schedule.  Right now I’m just sitting at the kitchen table having my morning coffee before I head out.  Everyone is still sleeping but I gave them both a kiss before I came down, even my lil guy got one.  I felt him move last week and it was honestly the weirdest feeling I have ever had.  I hear woman joke about how when the baby moves they wonder if the baby will pop out like in the Alien movie but it’s true! And I never knew pregnant woman could be so…so…well horny.  I never thought I’d say this but the woman is tiring me out, ME! But I love her to death and I know she loves me too. I thank God every day he found me worthy enough to let me have this life, the life I always wanted and I promise nothing will make me let this go. No booze, no girl, no groupie, nothing, nothing will get me to let go of my family.

 

                “Come on Nick.” The choreography sighed as the guys stopped the dancing and moaned.

 

“Dude it’s not like this is the first time we’re learning this.” AJ said as everyone got in position to start over.

 

“Sorry I messed it up once.” Nick sighed.

 

“This one yeah, but the other eight fucking dances?” AJ moaned. 

 

“What ever it hasn’t been that many” Nick whined as he poured water into his mouth.

 

“Anyone up for breaking to eat, I’m starving” Howie said and everyone looked at him.

 

“Me” Nick replied.

 

“That’s shocking” Brian replied leaning over to AJ and AJ busted out laughing.

 

“Shut up Prick” Nick sniped as he walked by and lightly smacked Brian at the back of his head.

 

“Alright let’s go through it once, no mistakes and then you can eat.” The Choreographer said as he clapped his hands together.

 

“And if Nick fucks up again?” AJ asked as people around him started going over the routine in their heads.

 

“Than we don’t eat.” The man said.

 

“What?” Howie gasped as he looked at everyone. “You better get this right Nick, it’s like four in the afternoon and we haven’t had lunch yet. You don’t get this and I will get all Latino up on your ass.” Both AJ and Brian looked at each other and chuckled.

 

“No Promises.” Nick shrugged.

 

“Dude, seriously.” Brian sighed.

 

“Hey, I’m hungry too” Nick piped up.  Just then a cell phone started ringing.

 

“Who’s is that?” The Choreographer sighed.

 

“Oh” AJ said as the ring tone clicked in.  “That would be me”

 

“You guys, I said I want phones off.” The man sighed.

 

“Hey that’s the baby phone; you can’t shut down the baby phone!” Nick yelled.

 

“You’re a douche dude, seriously.” AJ sighed as he walked over to his jacket and pulled out his phone.  His smile got bigger when he saw the home number.  He pressed the answer button and put the phone to his ear.

 

“Hello?” He answered waiting to hear Chelsea’s voice.

 

“Dad?” Nadia replied into the phone.

 

“Hey darling what’s up?” AJ asked as he looked at Brian and Nick play wrestle while Howie sat annoyed and most likely hungry.

 

“It’s Mom” Chelsea replied and he heard the tone in her voice.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asked as he turned back around and walked out of the dance studio as Nadia told him what was going on.

 

“She was upstairs I was downstairs playing on the Wii when she called me upstairs.  She was in a lot of pain Dad, I didn’t know what to do so I called 9-1-1 they’re here right now.” Nadia said and he could hear in her voice she was scared as his own mind tried to grasp what was going on.  “Hang on” Nadia said quickly.

 

AJ put his hand on his head, hoping that would help his brain processes everything, then he heard the studio door open and he turned around.  He saw his band mates staring at him and he looked away.

 

“Okay” He heard Nadia say.  “Dad?”

 

“Yeah, yeah I’m hear darling” AJ said as his heart raced faster than a Nascar on a straight away.

 

“They’re taking her to Brier on Oak, they said I can go with them.” She told him.

 

“Okay, okay good.” He said as his mind raced.  “Go-Go with your Mom I’ll meet you there.”

 

When he heard the phone at the other end click he pulled his cell from his ear and stared at it.  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “Everything will be fine, it’ll be ok.” He said to himself as he tried to calm his emotions.  When he turned around he saw Brian, Howie and Nick standing in the hallway looking at him.

 

“What’s wrong?” Brian asked with worry in his eyes.

 

“I-I gotta get to Brier.” He said quickly as he walked back towards the dance studio.

 

“AJ what’s wrong with Chelsea?” Brian asked again.

 

“I don’t know, Nadia said she’s in pain and the ambulance is taking her to Brier on Oak.” AJ said quickly as he walked into the studio and grabbed his jacket.

 

“Is it the baby?” Howie asked.

 

“I don’t know!” AJ shouted as he stopped and looked at them. 

 

“Let me drive you dude.” Nick said as he grabbed his keys and jacket.

 

“I’m calling Kevin” Brain said as he reached for his things too.

 

AJ walked out of the studio and followed Nick to the parking lot, they walked to his car and Nick got into the drivers seat and AJ buckled into the passenger’s side.  His foot tapped on the floor of the car as he bit his thumb nail and stared out the window. 

 

“These things are normal aren’t they? Like woman go into false labor, it happens.” Nick said as they stopped at a red light.

 

“Yeah, at least from what the books say” AJ replied as his mind processed what he had read.

 

“Books? Was AJ Mclean reading?” Nick replied with a smart ass tone.

 

“Fuck you” AJ snapped but then found himself laughing.  “Just shut up”

 

“Okay fine but I’m just making sure you’re not jumping to conclusions.” Nick said.

 

AJ sat there for a moment.  “Right, yeah I mean it does say that it happens.” He paused and then sighed.  “But at 24 weeks?”

 

Both Nick and AJ sat quiet in the car for the rest of the ride.  They pulled into the hospital and AJ was unbuckling his belt before Nick even found a parking stall.  “Just drop me off here.”

 

“Alright I’ll wait for Brian and Kevin.” Nick said as he stopped the car.

 

AJ got out and closed the door, he walked behind his car and Nick pulled away.  His eyes darted around and looked for an entrance, not even worrying about the rain that came down.  When he got inside he followed the signs to the ER.  They had him zig zagging throughout the hospital and he found himself getting very impatient.  Finally when he reached the Nurses’ station he held his breathe.

 

“I’m looking for Chelsea Mclean; she was brought in here by ambulance.” He said nervously as he wiped his hands on his pants.

 

“She’s in a room right now, have a seat and the Doctor will be right with you.” The Nurse said.  He stared at her.  They’re making him wait, he felt himself starting to panic. “Um, is-is my daughter here?”

 

“Yes I will bring her out” She replied with a light smile as she got up.  AJ gave her a polite smile and turned to walk into the waiting room.  It was packed.  He walked over to a wall and leaned up against it.  Standing there he waited, nurses walked in and out of the doors, no Nadia.  He found himself craving a cigarette which then started to add to the impatient mood he was in.  His head turned when he heard the door to his right open but his heart sank when he saw another Nurse.  Then the woman stepped to the side and he saw Nadia behind her.  He stood up from the wall and walked over to her, she almost slammed into him wrapping her arms around him.

 

“It’s ok” AJ said as he lightly kissed the top of her head.  “Let’s go over here.” He said as he nodded to a free bench down the hall.  “So what happened?” He asked and he held his breath as the two of them sat down.

 

“She drove me to school but she said she wasn’t feeling well.” Nadia told him.  “When I got out she wasn’t there to pick me up, so I got a ride with Kandis’s Mom, she said Mom probably was having morning sickness and fell asleep or something.”  She paused.  “When I got home she was on the couch sleeping, she apologized over and over but I told her it was ok.” She paused again.  “She said she was going to go take a bath so I started playing the Wii, then she called me upstairs, she was in pain and crying and…” Nadia stopped. 

 

AJ didn’t know what to say as he pulled Nadia into his arms.  He sat there holding her his mind blank, he couldn’t think of anything, or he just didn’t want to.  When his brain did start processing again all he wanted was answers, he wanted to know what was going on.

 

“There they are” He heard Brian say and he looked down the hall.  Nick, Brian and Kevin were walking towards him and he pulled away from Nadia as he stood up.

 

“Where is she?” Kevin asked.

 

“In a room, I’m waiting for the Doctor to come out and tell me what’s going on.” AJ said not hiding his frustration.

 

“Hey Nadia are you hungry?” Nick asked.

 

“A little” She replied.

 

“Well I’m starving gonna head to the cafeteria wanna come?” He asked.

 

She looked up at AJ.  “Go get something to eat, when I hear from the Doctor I’ll come get you.” He told her. 

 

He noticed Kevin had waited for her to be out of ear shot before speaking. “Do you know what happened? Did she have an episode and fall?”

 

“No” AJ replied shaking his head.  “From what Nadia said no”

 

“What did she say?” Brian asked.

 

“Chels took her too school said she wasn’t feeling well, Chels didn’t pick her up from school, she got a ride home with Kandis’s Mom and when she got to the house Chelsea was on the couch sleeping.” AJ told them as he scratched his head.  “She went upstairs to take a bath I guess and then a few minutes later she called Nadia upstairs, Nadia said Chels was in a lot of pain so she called 9-1-1 and then called me when they arrived.”

 

“Mr.Mclean?” A woman said from behind him and he spun around.

 

“Yeah” AJ said staring at her.  She was wearing a long thick lab coat, she had green scrubs underneath, and her hair was covered by a white net.

 

“I’m Doctor Lane” The woman told him. “Chelsea is in the operating room right now.”

 

“Fuck” He thought to himself as a small crack started inside him.

 

“Operating room why?” Kevin asked and the woman looked at him and then back to AJ.

 

“Chelsea went into labor, her water broke but wasn’t dilating, the baby started going into distress.” She said.

 

“Distress?” AJ asked looking at the woman, the crack ripping more.

 

She nodded.  “So we moved her to the OR and another Doctor is performing a c-section to get the baby out.” She said as AJ dropped onto the bench. The crack inside of him just went from a rip in a piece of paper to a rip the size of the Grand Canyon.

 

“What does this mean for the baby?” Kevin asked as AJ ran his hands over his head.

 

“When we get him out we’ll get him on a ventilator, we’ll get him incubated and then we’ll see from there.” She told him.  “He’s 24 weeks and has a long, very long road ahead of him but we’ve had babies survive less than that.”

 

“What are the odds?” AJ asked, he was always a gambling man.

 

“If he survives getting on the ventilator and can handle that, the odds are about fifteen percent right now.” She said as he put his head into his hands.

 

“FUCK!” AJ’s mind shouted as he felt the tears rise into his eyes.

 

“If the ventilator goes well we’ll get feeding tubes into him, which will help a lot, and each day that passes is another boost to that percentage.” She said as AJ felt someone’s hand on his back.

 

“Do you know why this happened?” Kevin asked as AJ wiped the tears away and took a deep breath trying to keep himself together.

 

“We took some blood well know the results soon but either than that no, sometimes the body just decides it’s time.” She said.  “I or the other Doctor will come see you when Chelsea is out of the OR.”

 

AJ couldn’t say anything.

 

“Alright thank you” Kevin replied as AJ sat there staring at the floor.

 

“I need air” AJ gasped out as he stood up and bolted past his two friends.

 

 

 

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Eight

                AJ sat on a bench outside of the hospital, Kevin and Brian sat on either side of him.  The cars whizzed by as the tires drove over the damp roads from the rain showers of before.  He lifted his hand to his mouth and wrapped his lips around the filter of his cigarette.  His lungs pulled in as much smoke as they could before he pulled it away.

 

“This can’t be happening.” He finally spoke as smoke drifted from his mouth.  “This can not be happening.”

 

“You gotta take this one hour at a time right now.” Kevin said.  “Try and not let things over whelm you.”

 

“Over whelm me?” AJ snapped and then took another strong drag from his cigarette.  He shook his head as he blew the smoke from his chest.  “Everything was going so good.  We were happy, we were together, and I was happy, finally happy.” He said as the tears came back.  “No pain, no heartache…” AJ took a deep breath as a tear dripped from his cheek onto his hand.

 

“I know” Kevin said in a somber tone.  “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now but all I can tell you is that you need to be strong, maybe stronger than you’ve ever been.” His friend said as he sat back letting his tears fall and flicked the cigarette away.  “That baby is going to need you and Chelsea is going to need you.”

 

“Fuck what do I tell Nadia?” He asked.

 

“You just do what you always do.” Kevin said as AJ looked at him.  “Tell her the truth.”

 

He looked down, rubbed his hands on his pants, and realized he was still in his sweats and t-shirt.  “I just need a minute” AJ said sitting on the bench, his hand on his knees, as he stared at the ground.

“Ok we’ll go back in and wait for the Doctor, when you’re ready go talk to Nadia.” Brian said as him and Kevin stood up.

 

With his eyes locked on the ground his mind wondered about Chelsea, lying on the cold steel table, the giant green screen in front of her, and the beeps and clicks of the machines around her.  The Doctors talking, nurses prepping and then there was her.  Scared and alone, wondering what was happening to her little boy.  He put his head in his hands and started to cry again.  His heart ached to be there with her, to tell her it was going to be ok even if he didn’t know for sure.  He ached to hold her, to make her feel safe like he always did.

 

“It’s going to be ok” He told himself not caring if anyone heard him.  His eyes closed and he took a deep breath.  “It’s going to be ok” He said again.  “You have to trust Mclean, trust that everything will turn out right because they need to know it will and if you don’t believe it, they won’t either.”

 

Standing up from the bench he wiped his eyes and headed into the Hospital, he made sure to go past Brian and Kevin just to make sure the Doctor hadn’t come back out.  When they told him she hadn’t he made his way down to the cafeteria.  Again he was sent through a maze of hallways and down into what he figured was the basement of the Hospital.  He saw the sign that read Café and walked to the doors.  When he opened the glass door his eyes started scanning the large room immediately.   There near the large wall to wall windows were Nick and Nadia.  He took a deep breath, wiped his hands again and walked over to them.

 

“Hi” Nick said when he saw him walk up to the table.

 

“Hi” AJ said trying to smile.

 

“I’m gonna go see if Howie’s here yet.” Nick said and AJ knew he could see it in his eyes and gave them a moment.  When Nick got up AJ sat down in his spot and with everything he had looked at Nadia.  She was staring back at him and her face frowned.

 

“It’s bad” She said and for a second he blanked on what to say.

 

He nodded lightly.  “Yeah it’s bad but it’s not terrible.”

 

“What do you mean?” She asked.

 

“Your Mom’s in the OR they’re giving her a C-Section, do you know what that is?” He asked.

 

“That’s when they have to cut the baby out” Nadia replied.  “They’re taking him out?”

 

“They have to, she went into labor, her water broke and the baby went into distress.” He said

 

“Is he going to die?” She asked and he saw tears sitting in her eyes.

 

“We don’t know yet hun, when they take him out they’ll put him on machines to help him breath and machines to help him eat, and they’ll put him in a special crib that will keep him warm.” He told her.  “But how his little body will react to all of that we just don’t know.”

 

“Can I see her?” She asked.

 

“Not yet, she’s not out of the OR.” AJ told her.

 

“Should we go back up there then?” She asked.

 

“Finish eating” He told her with a nod.

 

“I’m not hungry anymore” She said as she looked at her food.

 

“Are you sure?” He asked and she nodded. “Alright let’s go upstairs then.” He said and they both stood up. 

 

When they turned into the hall that led them to the ER Nadia grabbed AJ’s hand.  He looked down at his hand then too her.  He wondered how scared a fifteen year old girl must be to take her Dad’s hand in public.  When he looked back up he saw Brian, Nick and Kevin standing by the benches they were on earlier.

 

“Howie’s here he’s outside talking to Leigh.” Nick said as the two stopped at his friends.

 

“Kris is on her way, she sent Mason to the other babysitter.” Kevin said.

 

“Cool” AJ nodded.  “Shit I gotta call my Mom”

 

“I did” Kevin said “I hope that’s okay.”

 

“Yeah” AJ replied.  “Don’t think I could handle telling her right now. “

 

“She’s going to call my cell when she gets a flight; she figured you’d be pretty busy.” Kevin told him as the door opened and AJ looked over. No Doctor.

 

“Hey I brought my hand held wanna play it?” Nick said as he reached into his jacket pocket and handed it to Nadia.

 

“What game?” She asked.

 

“Call of Duty.” He replied

 

“Sweet” She said as she walked over to the bench and they both sat down.

 

“How’s she doing?” Kevin asked and AJ looked at him.

 

“Fine now, she’s got her video games.” He said and he actually smiled.  “Otherwise quiet, she wants to see Chelsea.”

 

“And you?” He asked.

 

“Wish I could see her too, tell her.” He paused.  “Tell her everything’s going to be ok.” The left door opened and AJ looked up. No Doctor.

 

“There’s some seats over there AJ let’s go sit down.” Kevin said as he took AJ by the shoulder.

 

They walked over to the benches and sat down. “She’s probably so scared Kevin.” AJ said as he started to cry again.

 

Kevin nodded.  “But she’s strong AJ, I know you know that, she’ll be ok.”

 

“And my son?” AJ asked looking at Kevin.  “Will he be ok? There’s nothing I can do for him, there’s nothing I can do for her and I’m crawling out of my own skin, it’s driving me so crazy.”

 

“Do you need a smoke?” Brian asked.

 

“No” AJ said shaking his head.  “I just wanna see them.”  The right door opened. 

 

“Mr. Mclean?” The woman said as she looked down to the benches that Nadia and Nick were sitting on and AJ stood up quickly.

 

“Y-yes, I’m right here.” AJ said as the woman looked at him.

 

“If you’d come with me I can take you to see your wife now.” The woman said.  He nodded unable to speak and then he looked at Nadia.

 

“I’ll come and get you ok?” He said as she walked up to him.

 

“Okay” She nodded.

 

AJ walked through the door and the woman closed it behind them.  They walked down the hall; it was busy, nurses and doctors walking all around.  His eyes darted at every door wondering which one she was in.  He had so many questions racing through his head and then they stopped, his mind went blank.

 

“She’s in here” The woman said pointing to the door on his left.  “She’s sedated and recovering well.”

 

“What about the baby?” He asked, his voice cracking.

 

“It’s still up in the air, he is being put on the ventilator and being incubated but his heart rate went back to normal the minute we got him out, so that is a good sign.” She told him.

 

“It is?” He replied unsure.

 

“Yes” She nodded.  “As soon as he’s settled I will come and get you, let you know how he’s doing and you can go see him if you like as well.” The Doctor said as AJ nodded a little enthusiastically.

 

The Doctor left him standing at the door.  He stared at it not sure how the woman on the other side will be.  Reaching for the handle he turned it and pushed open the door.  He saw her right away, the bed raised slightly, she was lying on her back, her head was turned to the side, and her eyes were closed.  Carefully he closed the door and walked over to her bedside.  There was a stool there so he pulled it close to the bed and sat down.

 

When he looked back to her, her eyes were fluttering open.  “Alex?” She mumbled.

 

“Hi.” He whispered as he took her hand and she started crying right away.  “Shhh, sweetheart it’s ok”

 

“No” She mumbled shaking her head.  “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Chelsea you have nothing to be sorry for.” He told her as he touched her face.

 

“I couldn’t protect him.” She cried and AJ frowned.

 

“You did nothing wrong Chelsea, this wasn’t your fault.” He said his voice still a whisper.

 

“But I was supposed to protect him.” She said as he wiped the tears from her face. “Just like I was suppose to protect Nadia and I didn’t.  I didn’t keep him safe.”

 

“You did sweetheart, you did.” He told her but he wasn’t sure if his words made a difference as she started crying again.  AJ pulled down the side bar, slipped his arm under her, carefully sat beside her and gently pulled her into his arms.  “It’s ok, it’s going be ok Chelsea. “

 

“You don’t know that” She whispered as she held him tightly.

 

“I do” He told her and he noticed it calmed her a little.  “I do because when things get bad, we fight, we fight to make it good again and that’s what he’s going to do, he’s going to fight, and he’s going to make it.”  She moved her head and looked at him.  “He’s strong and tough like his Mom.” He smiled

 

“And thick headed like his Father.” Chelsea replied with a small smile.

 

“Impatient like me too apparently.” He said and it brought a bigger smile to her face and he thinks he even heard a laugh.

 

“Have you heard anything?” She asked as she laid her head on his shoulder.

 

“Nope, the Doctor said she was going to check on him, and will let us know as soon as she can.” He told her as he brushed her hair from her face.  His head rested on the top of hers.

 

“Oh god” Chelsea said as she lifted her head.  “Nadia? Is Nadia ok?”

 

“She’s fine Chels, she’s out near the front with Kevin, Brian, and Nick.” He told her.

 

The room went silent and then her arms wrapped tighter around him as she started crying again.  He closed his eyes and held her.  “Get some sleep Chels.”

 

“Promise me something?” She mumbled.

 

“Promise?”

 

“When they say ok, go sit with him, and stay with him until I can get there.” She said and he looked at her.

 

“And what about you?” He asked.

 

“I’ve got Nadia, Kevin and Anne, you’re all he has.” She said as she looked back at him.

 

“Okay” He nodded and kissed her on the forehead.  “But till then I’m staying right here”

 

Chelsea laid her head back down and it didn’t take her long to fall asleep.   He lied there with her and he kept his mind busy with memories of them.  He thought about the night in the hotel in Kentucky and how they had fallen asleep on the couch much like they were lying now.  He thought about the night they made love for the first time and then the first time thirteen years later.  The door opened and AJ looked up.  Doctor Lane stood at the door and motioned for him to come outside.  Carefully he slipped out from under her and pulled up the roll bar.  He walked over to the door and met the Doctor in the hall way.

 

“Ready to see your son Mr. Mclean?” She asked as AJ stood there frozen.

 

 

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Nine

                He walked down the hall with the Doctor beside him. They had gone through a set of doors by Chelsea’s room, walked down another hallway and took an elevator up to the fourth floor.  Now they left the elevators behind and walked down another hall.  He saw the window of the nursery but he knew his son wouldn’t be there.  When they stopped at a door she pulled out a card and then swiped it along the door knob. It went green and she opened it.  He walked into the room and looked around.  Everything was metal, bare, and sterile.

 

“He’s doing well.” The Doctor told him as she turned around.  “He’s on the ventilator, he has the feeding tube in, he’s not wrapped up but he is nice a warm so don’t worry there and his eyes are covered because they’re too sensitive to the light right now.” She explained.  “His heart is beating well, it’s strong and that’s what we need to focus on right now, then we need to watch how he’s developing outside of the womb.  Are his lungs growing, is his heart growing, and things like that.” 

 

“Okay” AJ nodded a little hopeful with what he had just heard.

 

“But I must warn you, it can go from great to bad in a second, he’s still very small, and we’re just not sure how strong that heart is just yet.”  She told him and his hopefulness went out the window.

 

“Take off your jewelry and just put it here.” She said as he looked down at the box she held.  “And then was your hands up too your elbows.” She explained.  “After get dressed in those garbs and the when you’re dressed go through that door, don’t forget your mask.  The nurse in there will help you.”

 

“Okay” AJ said with a light nod, he felt a little overwhelmed as he pulled off his rings and watch.

 

When the Doctor left AJ walked over to the large metal sink, he turned on the water and grabbed the soap.  Lathering his hands first he scrubbed up to his elbows and then rinsed them in under the abnormally high tap.  He walked over to a cupboard and opened it there were shelves in front of him.  Each shelf had different pieces of clothes on them, pants, long sleeve shirts, and boxes on the others.  The clothes were not cotton, or jean or anything you would normally see, they were made out of a paper like material.  He slipped on the pants and carefully pulled the shirt over his head.  The one box that was right in front of him read boots. He looked inside and saw protective shoe covers, so he put those on too.  Then he checked the other box, it had a picture of a head on it and when he pulled out the tissue like hat he knew what it was.  He grabbed a mask and put it over his face and sighed nervously.

 

When he was dressed he turned to the door and froze.  His son was on the other side.  He had seen movies that had showed preemies, he had probably seen pictures somewhere so he tried to use that.  Use it to get him ready for what he was about to walk into. He exhaled.  It was a whole new ball game as soon as he walked through that door.  He took a moment.  AJ then stepped towards the door; he reached out to grab the handle but stopped. A moment of hesitation and then he opened it and walked into the room.

 

The room was kind of small or maybe it was because there were so many things in it that it looked small.  He heard beeping and whooshing, he looked over at the sounds and that’s when he saw it.  A small plastic see through box, with two circular windows, tubes and wires running in and out of it, and then he saw him.  He was so small about the size of a, well AJ couldn’t think of anything at that moment but he was sure the little boy would fit in his hand or close too it.  He had a tiny tube in his nose and a tube in his mouth.  AJ breathed in and slowly exhaled keeping himself as calm as he could.

 

“Hello” A short middle age woman said and AJ looked at her.  “You must be Alex”

 

“Yeah” He nodded still standing in the room, frozen not wanting to move in case he accidently pulled out a wire or cable.

 

“I’m Jamie did you want to come over” She waved him over and he looked around first making sure there was nothing around him.  Slowly and carefully he made his way over to plastic box.  “I know it’s hard to take in but I’m going to tell you what everything does, so you know they’re not hurting him, okay?” She said as he walked up to her.

 

“Okay” AJ replied his throat dry and raspy.

 

“The one in his nose feeds him and the one in his mouth helps him breathe.” She told him as AJ looked at his son.  “The patch on his chest is to monitor his heart.”  He looked at it and he had seen those before, he had worn them a few times too but the ones on him were bigger.  “The one in his foot is his IV, cause his hands are too small for it right now.” She said and AJ’s eyes darted to his sons hands.   They were small he wondered if he would be able to wrap his hand around AJ’s pinky, let alone hold his Dad’s hand.

 

“We want to give him a few days and then you can probably hold him.” The nurse said and AJ looked at her.  “But for now you can put your hand through here and try and get him to grab your finger.” She said.

 

“Now?” AJ asked.

 

“Sure” She replied with a light smile. 

 

AJ walked closer to the incubator as the nurse opened the window.  Slowly and carefully he put his hand through the circular window, he extended his finger and touched his sons hand.  The small fingers opened up and AJ was able to get his pointer finger close enough to his little boys hand that when his fingers closed they barely wrapped around it.  He closed his eyes for a moment, his heart fluttered and he let the feeling of those tiny, tiny fingers wrapped around his sink in.  After a couple of minutes AJ took his hand out and the nurse closed the window.

 

“You can stay as long as you like, I just need to go over some charts but right now we need to limit visits just because of infection or illness, so try to limit how much you go in and out okay?”

 

“Okay” AJ nodded as the woman walked over to the door.

 

When she left AJ looked back at the plastic crib. He leaned down a little and looked inside through the top.  “Hey Buddy” He whispered. “Been a crazy day huh?” He said at the small eyes that were covered by white tape and the small nose that was covered in clear hospital tape.  His eyes drifted to the tube in his mouth and he got flash backs of the night he woke up in the hospital after the car accident.  “I know things are pretty scary right now, they’re scary for me too.” He said as he lightly touched the top of the incubator.  “But I promise they will get better, if you can just make it through this I promise. There are so many people that want to meet you like your Mom, she’s amazing you’ll love her.” AJ said with light smile.  “She’s funny, kind, caring, and she gives awesome hugs.” He said with a soft laugh.  “Oh and your sister Nadia, I’m sure you two will get along great, well up until you start getting into her things.”  He looked at the baby lying below him.  “And wait till you meet your Uncles, don’t listen to Nick he knows nothing about women.”

 

AJ sighed.  “But speaking of sisters I need to go check on yours but I’ll be back.” He whispered.  “Stay strong and we’ll meet back up in ten, okay?”  His face fell even he couldn’t laugh at his own jokes.

 

After getting undressed and throwing out the clothes in the proper garbage container, he walked out of the prep room, the heavy door clicked behind him.   He wanted to drop to his knees and start crying, he felt helpless but he couldn’t he had to keep walking, keep going for them.  His hand pushed against the door and when he looked up he saw more people in the hall.  Kevin, Brian Howie and Nick we’re still there, plus Kristin and Howie’s wife Leigh and then there was Nadia.  She looked up at him Nick’s hand held still in her hand.

 

“Did you see her how is she?” Kevin asked as AJ stopped in the hall.

 

“Chels is doing ok” AJ nodded.  “Right now she blames herself.”

 

“Well she shouldn’t” Kristin said as AJ looked at her.

 

“I know and I told her that she shouldn’t, I think I cheered her up with some jokes but she’s pretty tired and out of it still.” He told them.

 

“Can I see her?” Nadia asked.

 

“She’s sleeping right now.”

 

“Can I go sit with her then?” Nadia asked again.

 

AJ nodded lightly.  “Alright, I’ll walk you to her room in a little bit.

 

“AJ?” Kevin said and he looked at his friend.  “Have you seen the baby?”

 

“Yeah” AJ nodded.

 

“You did?” Nadia said and he heard some excitement in her voice.

 

“Yeah” He nodded again.  “He’s small, very small, like this big.” AJ said looking at his friends as he held out his hand.  “He’s got the ventilator on, feeding tube in his nose, and everything else you can think of coming out or going into him.”

 

“How is he doing?” Nadia asked.

 

“Well the Doctor told me that when they got him out his heart rate went back to normal.” AJ told them.

 

“That’s good?” Kevin said.

 

“From what she said yeah it is, plus the fact he seems to be doing ok right now is also good.” He said as he took a deep breath.  “But it can change and it can change fast, they said.”

 

“Do you need to sit or anything?” Kevin asked.

 

“Actually I need a smoke” He sighed as he reached for his pocket.

 

“Want company?” Kevin asked.

 

AJ shrugged. “Sure” He then turned to Nadia. “When I get back I’ll take you down to see your Mom okay?” AJ said as he looked at her.

 

“Kay” Nadia replied and he could tell she wanted to go now.

 

When Kevin and him walked outside they found a bench and sat down.  He pulled a cigarette from his pack and put it into his mouth.  Lifting the lighter he lit the end and then took a big drag.  As he exhaled he felt some of the stress and worries go away with it.  He looked up as a car drove past the busy street, which was still wet from the rain before.

 

“How are you doing man?” Kevin asked.

 

AJ sighed with a small laugh behind it.  “Hanging by a thread.”

 

“Things will get better Alex.” Kevin said as he looked at his friend.

 

“They have to.” AJ replied.  “Because what I just saw in that room…” He paused the helplessness came back.  “It just has too.”  Kevin lightly smiled.  Now AJ had known Kevin a long time so he knew what smile that was and like he had predicted they sat in silence for the rest of the cigarette.

 

“I need to ask you something” AJ said as he headed back to the ER doors.

 

“Anything man.” Kevin said looking at him.

 

“Be there for Chels, she made me promise that I would spend every second I could with the baby, I need someone to be with her for me.” He told him as they stopped at the doors.

 

“You can count on it” Kevin said with a nod.  “I’ll be there, my Mom will be there, don’t worry about her.” He said and AJ raised his eyebrows and scoffed a little.  “Ok try not to worry.” Kevin smiled.

 

AJ lightly grinned and then reached for the ER door.  He walked to the hall where everyone was standing and he noticed they fell silent when they saw him.  With a light smile to them all he walked over to Nadia as she shut the game off.

 

“Ready?” He asked her and she nodded giving the hand held back to Nick.

 

They walked down the hall, Nadia beside him as Nurses whizzed by them.  “He needs a name.”

 

“He does” AJ nodded and he realized they needed to do that.  “We’ll talk about it when your Mom wakes up.”

 

“What about Logan?” Nadia said and AJ stopped walking.

 

“Logan?” He replied.

 

“Yeah, Logan James Mclean” Nadia said and it flowed through AJ’s ears.

 

“What happened to Hunter?” He asked as he walked up to her.

 

Nadia shrugged.  “He’s been through a lot already and he needs a cool name.”

 

“You mean like Wolverine?” AJ replied with a smile.

 

Nadia rolled her eyes.  “We can’t call him Wolverine Dad.”

 

“Why not, I’m a celebrity isn’t that the trend now, to name our kids ridiculous names?” He asked looking at her.

 

“You’re not Gwyneth Paltrow.” Nadia sighed.  “And I think its use to be famous.”

 

AJ’s eyes shot open but he knew she was joking.  “Yeah well let’s see if this use to be famous person ever takes you shopping again.” He replied as he nodded his head and started walking again with a smile on his face, he really did love bugging her.

 

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Ten

                AJ stood outside Chelsea’s room, they had moved her to her own room on the fourth floor and he had just come back from the baby’s room.  He looked at the pictures on his phone, one of the little guy from the top of the incubator and one from the side, there was also one of their son holding AJ’s finger.   The nurse told him that as long as he serialized the phone or camera he could take pictures with the flash off.  He smiled as he closed the folder and reached for the door.  When he opened it he saw Kevin and Nadia sitting in the room, with an awake Chelsea sitting up in the bed.

 

“Hi” Chelsea said as she looked at him.  The last two times he had gone to see her she was still sleeping.  When the nurse told him they had moved her to the fourth floor, he had hoped she would be up.  “What are you doing here?” She asked.

 

“The nurses do tests every couple of hours, so I came up here to check on you.” He told her.

 

“Oh” She replied as she watched his fingers wrap around hers.

 

“Have you eatin’ anything?” Kevin asked with a yawn.

 

“No” AJ replied shaking his head.

 

“You should go get something to eat.” Chelsea said as she looked at him.

 

“I’m ok, maybe I’ll go down to the cafeteria later.” He replied with a shrug.  “Are you hungry?” He asked Nadia.

 

“Yeah” She replied.

 

“Will you take her to get something to eat?” AJ asked as he looked to Kevin.

 

“Can we go to Subway across the street; I can’t eat anymore grease covered fries.” Nadia asked as she stood up.

 

“Sure” Kevin replied with a smile as he followed her out of the room.

 

“You should go with them.” Chelsea said as the door closed over.

 

“I’m good Chels really.” He told her.

 

“Alex” She sighed.

 

“I’m just not hungry ok?” He replied trying not to snap. “It’s just been a long, stressful day and I’m not hungry.”

 

“Okay” She replied and he was glad she backed off.

 

“How are you doing?” AJ asked as he played with her fingers.

 

“Tired, sore, mad, and disappointed.” She said with a frown.

 

“Mad and disappointed? I hope not at yourself.” AJ said as he got up from the stool and sat down on the side of her bed.  When she didn’t say anything he frowned.  “Sweetheart, you can’t blame yourself for this, you can’t be mad at yourself, these things happen and obviously if your body wanted him out because something was wrong than its better he’s out here now, than something far worse happening.” He told her as he saw a tear drip from her eye, it slid down her cheek and landed on the light blue blanket.

 

“It’s just so hard” Chelsea whispered as she stared at the blanket.  “Women have been doing this forever and I fucked it up.”

 

“Chelsea, you didn’t fuck anything up.” AJ told her as he pulled her into his arms and she started crying harder. “It’ll be okay.”

 

“Every one keeps telling me that.” She cried.  “When I was in the OR, they kept telling me everything would be okay, when they took him away before I even got to see him or hold him, they said it would be okay, and now I’m sitting here doing nothing  while my son is in another room and…” She stopped and cried some more.  He held her a little bit tighter as she shook with sadness in his arms.

 

After a moment AJ spoke up.  “So you didn’t get to see him, even for a second?” He asked.

 

“No” She replied not letting go of him.  “Not even for a second.”

 

“Do you want to see him?” he asked as he slowly pulled away from her.

 

“I’m not allowed going down there yet.” She replied.

 

“I know but I was allowed to take some pictures with my phone.” AJ said as he held it up.

 

“I want to see them.” She replied shaking her head quickly.

 

“Nothing is hurting him, they’re for his benefit, help him eat when he needs to and they help him breath.” He said as the picture popped onto the screen, he looked up at her before showing her the picture.

 

“Okay” She nodded and he hoped she was ready to see it, to deal with it.

 

Carefully he handed her the phone and his eyes locked on hers.  “This one is from the top of the incubator.” He said as she covered her mouth and lightly cried. Her finger drifted across the screen.

 

“He’s so small.” She whispered.

 

“Yeah” He nodded.  “But he’ll have lots of time to get bigger.” She looked up at him.  “This one is from the side so you can kind of see how long he is.” AJ said as she looked back at the camera screen.  “And this one…” He said but she interrupted him.

 

“How come you seem so certain?” She asked him and he looked at her confused.

 

“Huh?” He replied.

 

“Since the moment I saw you after they took me out of the OR you seem so sure everything will work out.” Chelsea said as AJ put the phone down.

 

“I have to because if I think of the other…” He paused.  “Well one train of thought will keep me out of the bars, the other won’t.”  She frowned and put her hand on the side of his face.  “Besides, like we said, he’s strong and tough and he’ll make it through this but you…” He said as he took her hand from his face, kissed the back of it and then held it to his mouth.  “You have to stop blaming yourself because when the time comes to go see him, when the time comes to hold him, you have to focus on him.”  He said as he brushed her hair from her face.  “He needs his Mom to be happy he’s here and not sad.”

 

“You know Nadia thought of a name today, she wants me to run it by you?” AJ told her.

 

“What is it?” She asked.

 

“Logan, Logan James.” He replied.  “And as much as I don’t want the middle name to be that, it actually really works.”

 

“Wow, I really like that.” Chelsea said with a light smile. “Logan.” She said as she looked at the cell phone again.  Her eyes fixated on the picture and then a tear dripped from her eye. “I’m just so scared.” AJ was about to say something but she kept talking.  “For the first time, I think I understand why my Mom did what she did.” She looked from the picture to AJ.  “Cause I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t make it Alex.”

 

He took her into his arms and she held him tightly.  “Chels he’s going to make it, I bet your Mom is making sure of that right now.”

 

“I hope so” She whispered and he frowned.  AJ sat there holding her letting his fingers drift down her hair.  He thought she had fallen asleep until she pulled away and looked at him.  His heart broke as he looked back at the puffy, bloodshot, tired, wet eyes but then she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.  The heartache he had felt only a second ago was whisked away as his lips parted and he kissed her back.  The couple sat on the hospital bed lost in each others embrace.  Chelsea slid her hand over his shoulder and down the side of his arm as she pulled away.  She rested her forehead against his and he opened his eyes, hers were still closed.

 

“I love you so much.” She whispered and he lightly smiled.

 

He moved his head and softly kissed her forehead.  “I love you too Chels.” He whispered back before pulling her back into his arms.

 

This time she did fall asleep and he smiled at her as he gently laid her back on the pillows.  Quietly he got up from the bed, raised the side bar, and carefully left the room.  He walked down the hall towards the elevators.   When he arrived he pushed the button and waited.  Looking down at his wrist he read the time on his watch.

 

“Jesus it’s almost two in the morning.” He said not caring if anyone was around.

 

The elevator dinged and he watched as the doors opened and as he walked in he slammed into someone.  “Sorry” He said and the woman looked up at him.

 

“Alex” She said with a frown.

 

“Mom” AJ said shocked to see her there, he had completely forgotten Kevin had called her.

 

“How’s Chelsea?” She asked worried.

 

“She’s doing ok, although she feels like it’s her fault.” AJ replied as he pushed the buttons to open the door.

 

“What about the baby is he…” She paused.

 

“He’s still alive” AJ said with a sigh.  “He’s on a ventilator, he has a feeding tube, and he’s in an incubator but he’s hanging in there right now.”

 

“Nadia?” She asked.

 

“Went to Subway with Kevin, I didn’t even realize it was so late.” He told her as he got on the elevator before it left.

 

“And you?” She asked as she followed him on.

 

“Going for a smoke, get some cold air on me, the coffee here is shit and I need to wake up a little before I got back to the baby.” He decided to hold off on telling anyone the name until Nadia was there.

 “Ok, but I meant how you are?” She asked.

 

“Trying to hold it together.” He sighed.

 

“Why don’t you go home get some rest?” She said as they hit the bottom floor.

 

“No I gotta stay here” AJ said shaking his head while he walked off.  “Chels needs me to be with the baby as much as possible and when I’m not with him I’m with her.” He told her.

 

“And when are you with Nadia?” She asked and he stopped walking.

 

“She’s been sitting with her Mom before that she was with Kevin.” He said as he looked at her.

 

“Where was she before that Alex” Denise said and he stopped to think.

 

He sighed.  “With her Mom”

 

“She needs to go home and have a good night sleep in her room.  Maybe spend a little time with her.  Why didn’t you go eat?” She asked.

 

“Not really hungry” He said.

 

“Hi Denise” Kevin said as he walked up beside them.

 

“Hello Kevin” She said with a smile and then she looked at Nadia. “Hi sweetheart how are you doing?” She asked.

 

“I’m ok” Nadia replied with a shrug.  AJ frowned, she looked tired and bored.

 

“How was the Subway?” He asked.

 

“It was good” She replied.  “Is Mom still awake?”

 

“No she fell asleep again.” AJ told her.  “But I was thinking me and you should head home, get some sleep ourselves.”

 

“Really?” Nadia and Kevin said at the same time.

 

“Yeah, I figured you’re staying till your mom get’s here right?” AJ said looking at Kevin.

 

“Yeah and then I can just go home with Kris and Mom can sit with Chels.” Kevin said with a nod.

 

“Yeah so, she’ll have someone with her to keep her company and we can go home and sleep and then get up and come back.” AJ told her.

 

“What about the baby?” Nadia asked.

 

“You mean Logan?” He said with a small smile.

 

“Logan?” Kevin asked.

 

“Really? She liked it?” Nadia said surprised.

 

“She loved it” He smiled.  “Logan James.”

 

“Yay” Nadia cheered as Denise and Kevin looked on confused.

 

“That’s his name?” Denise asked.

 

“That’s his name.” AJ said with a soft proud smile on his face.

 

“I like it” Kevin nodded.

 

“Nadia thought of it.” AJ told them.  “But anyways we should get going.”

 

“Wait” Nadia said.  “What about the baby?”

 

“Right now he needs rest, so the nurses can handle it and if anything happens they will call me.” AJ told her.  “We need rest too kiddo.”

 

“We’ll let Chelsea know if she wakes up.” Kevin said as they said goodbye.

 

AJ walked with his daughter to the car and they had already had a fun little adventure trying to find it in the parking lot.  Especially since he was going by Nick since he parked the car and most likely told him some bullshit directions.  When they finally found the car they both got in and buckled up.  AJ started the car and pulled out of the hospital parking lot.  The drive home was quiet and AJ noticed Nadia spent most of the time staring out the window.  They pulled into the drive way and AJ parked the car. He got out and walked around the front as Nadia caught up with him.

 

“So did you wanna do something or just crash?” He asked as he unlocked the door.

 

“Crash” She replied as she hung her jacket on the closet door knob.

 

“Yeah, I’m beat” He said as they started walking to the stairs.  When they reached the top and Nadia went to walk into her room AJ stopped her.  “I’m very proud of you today, you went through something really scary and stressful and you handled it very well.”

 

Nadia shrugged.  “I’m just glad they’re gonna be ok.” She said.

 

“Well you did a good job” he said as he hugged her.  “I know things are going to be crazy for the next little while but I’m really gonna try to make sure we still get time too.”

 

“It’s ok” Nadia replied as she hugged him back.  “Do you think I can go with you tomorrow to see him?”

 

“I’ll talk to the nurse but I don’t see why not.” He told her and she smiled.  “Night kiddo.”

 

“Night Dad” She said as she opened her door and went inside.

 

He walked into his room and shut the door, shutting out the day he had just lived through.  He sat down on the bed looking around and realized he was sitting on Chelsea’s side.  His hand drifted along her pillow and he closed his eyes.  It was at that moment everything came flooding out, the pain, the worry, and the tears.  Not even bothering to take off his clothes he crawled under the blankets, buried his head where Chelsea’s would have been and let it all out.

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Eleven

                February 5th 2010

               

                Today would have been the first day of the tour, cancelled indefinitely. People understand and the love and well wishes we are getting are amazing.  Then some people don’t and those people can pretty much suck it.  I’m drinking a coffee in my kitchen wondering what today will bring.  How will Chelsea be? How will Logan be? Yesterday Chels was pretty quiet and didn’t talk much, even to me when I saw her.  Yesterday Logan had a good day and is now working on day three.  Now there’s something new on my mind, Nadia.  I couldn’t sleep much last night just like the night before.  I’d wake up every hour or so and then the one time I woke up I heard her crying. When I went to check on her she wasn’t awake she was sleeping.  I wasn’t sure what to do so I woke her up; she started yelling “stop it” over and over.  Then when she saw it was me she wrapped her arms around me and wouldn’t let go until she fell back to sleep…

 

                AJ closed his journal over when he heard Nadia coming down the stairs.  He slipped it back into his bag and then continued to drink his coffee at the kitchen table.  When she walked into the room he looked at her.  In an oversized hoody, jeans, sneakers and her hair up in a ponytail she sat down at the table. He smiled, even though she had his eyes, she looked like her Mother.

 

“Ready” She said as she sat back in her chair.

 

“Almost done my coffee” He said as he put the cup to his mouth.

 

“Just get one at the hospital.” She said as he made face.

 

“God no their coffee is shit, so horrible.” He told her as he put down the empty mug.  “So your Mom’s bag is in the hallway right?”

 

“Yep” Nadia nodded as she stood up.

 

They picked up the bag from the hallway and headed out to the car.  AJ put the bag in the trunk as Nadia got into the passenger’s side.  His mind raced back to the night before but he wasn’t going to push her on it, not yet, not while this stuff was going on.  But he wondered how he was going to tell Chelsea about it, she had enough to worry about right now.  He pulled the car out of the drive way and drove down the street. 

 

“I hope Mom is better today.” Nadia said as they drove through the city.

 

“Me too.” AJ replied with a light sigh.

 

“I wish she’d stop blaming herself.” Nadia said as he looked at his daughter.

 

“I know.” AJ replied.  “Her Doctor told me it’s normal though, they’re going to bring someone in to talk to her.”

 

“Do you think I’d be able to go see Logan with you today?” Nadia asked.

 

“Yeah the nurse said yesterday that you would be able too.” AJ replied.  “You just couldn’t yesterday because the room was so small, but they’re moving him to a bigger room today so, I’m sure you’ll be able too.”

 

“I feel bad tho.” Nadia sighed.

 

“Why?” AJ asked as he stopped at a light and looked at her.

 

“I get to see him before Mom.” Nadia said with a small frown.

 

“You’re Mom saw him.” AJ replied.

 

“A couple of pictures.” Nadia said.  “That’s not the same Dad.”

 

“Yeah I know.” AJ replied as he saw the light go green.  “But who knows maybe she can go see him today too, with the bigger room, they can probably fit a wheel chair in there now.”

 

When they arrived at the hospital and went to Chelsea’s room they saw Kevin, Anne and Kristin standing around outside her room.  His heart started beating and his hands got sweaty.  Was something wrong with Chelsea? Why were they all outside her room?

 

“W-What’s going on?” AJ asked as he walked up to them.

 

At first there was silence and then Kevin spoke.  “We came out here so Chelsea and…” He stopped and AJ’s face feel in confusion.  “So Chelsea and Jerald could talk.”

 

“Jerald!” AJ snapped.  “You let him in there? After everything she’s been through you let him in to see her?” 

 

Anne started to say something but AJ didn’t wait; he headed right to the door and opened it with anger.  He didn’t even wait for his eyes to connect to see the man in the room when he lashed out.  “Get out!” AJ snapped.

 

“Excuse me?” Jerald replied.

 

“Alex” Chelsea said.

 

“Get out now or I’ll have security escort your ass outta here.” AJ said angrily.

 

“Alex its fine.” Chelsea replied.

 

“NO! No it’s not fine, after everything he’s put you through, put us through and now everything going on with Logan…No, I don’t want this asshole here.” AJ snapped.

 

“Jerald go.” Chelsea said and AJ saw Jerald’s head snap at her.

 

“What? I’m not done talking.” Jerald replied.

 

“Yes you are.” AJ snapped.

 

“We’ll talk later just go.” Chelsea said.  AJ stared at Jerald and he saw that Kevin’s brother, Chelsea’s brother was fuming.  Slowly he got up and walked out of the room.

 

“You’ll talk?” AJ said angrily after the door closed.  “Again I say, after everything he’s put us through, after everything…”

 

Chelsea cut him off as she shouted back.  “After everything he’s still my brother!”

 

“Well he sure does have a funny way of showing it.” AJ said bitterly.

 

“I know” Chelsea said with a sigh. 

 

“I just don’t need his bullshit right now; you don’t need his bullshit right now.” AJ said as he thumped down into the chair by her bed.  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, this wasn’t the time, he wasn’t going to let Jerald get to him he had more important things to worry about.

 

“Do you want to know what he said?” Chelsea asked.

 

“Not really.” AJ replied standing up.  “I’m going to go check on Logan; I’ll let Nadia know you’re up.” He said as he headed to the door.  “I’ll be back.” He said as he opened the door and walked out.

 

When he walked into the hallway he saw everyone still standing there, with Nadia and Jerald.  Ignoring everyone he turned to Nadia.  “You’re Mom’s awake; I’m going to go check on Logan see if they’ve moved him to the new room yet.”

 

“Ok” Nadia replied with a nod.

 

“AJ.” Jerald said in an apologetic tone.

 

“Fuck off.” AJ snapped as he put his hand up and walked down the hall. He didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to hear Jerald try to blame this on him, try to find some way to say that his drinking had caused this or his drug abuse had cause this.  Like he hadn’t already thought about it the night before or last night when he was lying awake not being able to sleep.

 

When he walked up to the nurses’ station he found himself calming down and with a light smile looked at the woman behind the counter.  “I’m Alex Mclean, I was wondering if my Son Logan had been moved yet?” He asked. 

 

“One moment.” The nurse said as she began to look over some papers.  “Yes, yes he has I will get his nurse to come down and show you the way.”

 

“Great thanks.” AJ replied smiling a little brighter.

 

He waited a couple of minutes and then the nurse showed up.  “Hello Mr. Mclean.”

 

“Hello Jamie.” He replied.  “How’s he doing?”

 

“Good.” She said with a nod as they started walking down the hall.  “Doctor Lane has given the ok for him to come out of his incubator so you or your wife can hold him for a few minutes, every couple of hours or so.”

 

“Awesome” AJ said excitedly.

 

“He’s been taking his food well, his heart beat is doing wonderfully and all the tests have come back too.” She told him.  “His blood cell count is great for his development range and there is nothing abnormal.”

 

“Good” AJ replied with a nod.  “So what happens now?”

 

“Now we just keep an eye on his development.” She told him as they stopped in front of a room.  “We watch his lungs, his heart, his kidneys and liver and make sure things are growing how they are suppose too.”

 

“And if they’re not?” AJ asked.

 

“Things will get worse for him, if his lungs don’t develop properly he could have lifelong breathing problems and anything not developing properly could most likely lead to death.” She said as her voice went to a somber tone.  “But as of right now everything is going great.”

 

“So that’s what Chels and I will focus on.” He said with a nod.

 

She gave him a smile.  “This is his room now.  There’s a window right over here, were family and friends can take a look.  This door here is where you and Chelsea can go in and prep and enter the room.” She told him.

 

“Is it ok if our Daughter goes in as well?” AJ asked.

 

“Of course as long as one of you is with her, there’s no problem in that.” She replied with a soft smile.

“There’s a wheel chair in there for Chelsea until she can walk on her own, just bring her down in the wheel chair in her room and switch over after she’s dressed.” The nurse told him and AJ nodded.

 

“Ok” AJ nodded.  “I’m going to go back and get Chelsea and Nadia and bring them here then.” AJ said.

“I’ll be in there.” The nurse said and then they said goodbye. 

 

AJ walked back down to Chelsea’s room and noticed no one was in the hallway.  As he reached for her door he hoped Jerald wasn’t in there and as the door opened he sighed in relief when he saw that Kevin’s brother wasn’t there.  Anne, Kevin, Kristin, Nadia and Chelsea looked at him as the door closed behind him.

 

“Ready to go see your son?” He asked looking at Chelsea.

 

“Now?” Chelsea replied and as he nodded she smiled brightly. “Yes” She nodded.

 

“Can I go too?” Nadia asked.

 

“Yeah, we all can go.” AJ said.

 

“Really?” Kevin replied.

 

“Yeah, I’ll take Chelsea in to see him and there’s a window you guys can look through.” AJ told them.  “When your Mom has had time with him you can come in ok?” AJ said looking at Nadia.

 

“Ok” Nadia replied with a smile just like her Mom’s.

 

AJ walked over to Chelsea’s bedside and carefully helped her off the bed.  He helped her slip on her robe as Kevin brought over her wheel chair.  Holding onto her tightly AJ helped Chelsea sit down, he felt her body tense up as she lowered herself down onto the chair.

 

“You ok?” He asked as she sat down.

 

“Yeah just hurts.” She replied with a light painful smile.  He smiled sympathetically at his wife, kissed her on the top of the head and then walked behind the wheel chair as Kevin opened the door for them.

 

Everyone followed behind AJ as he pushed Chelsea down the hall.  He could hear the excitement in their voices and it made him smile.  When they arrived at the door AJ stopped the wheel chair and everyone stopped behind him.

 

“The window’s over there.” He said pointing it out to them.  “Chels and I go in this door to get dressed.”

 

“Ok” Kevin replied with a nod and then walked over to the door and opened it for them.

 

AJ helped Chelsea up and he heard her moan in pain under her breath.  He walked her carefully into the room; he helped her scrub her hands to her elbows and then sat her down on a chair that was in the room.  AJ walked over to the large shelf and grabbed some garments for her.

 

“I’m sorry” He said as he handed her the light paper like clothing.  She looked up at him with confusion in her eyes.  “For snapping at you about Jerald.”

 

“It’s ok” She replied as he knelt down in front of her.

 

“No it’s not; you’re going through enough without my temper going off.” He replied as he helped her slip on the pants.

 

“And you’re going through enough that you don’t need Jerald around.” She said and he looked up at her.

 

He sighed.  “What did he say?”

 

“He said he was sorry about what happened, about everything.” She told him.

 

“Do you believe him?” AJ asked.

 

Chelsea shrugged.  “Maybe but I’ll wait and see, because he’s said he’s sorry before.”

 

“Why do you think he’s had the change of heart?” AJ asked as he slipped a pair of booties on her feet.

 

She took a deep breath.  “I don’t know.” 

 

He stood up, got himself scrubbed up, then grabbed some garments for himself and got dressed.  “Well it doesn’t matter right now.” AJ said as he turned to her.  “What matters is that you are going to get to see your Son.”

 

Chelsea smiled and it made AJ smile too.  Carefully he took her by the arms and helped her stand up.  Slowly the couple walked over to the wheelchair and he gently sat her down. AJ handed her a mask to wear.  He reached for the door but then he felt Chelsea’s hand on his arm.  AJ turned to her.  She already had tears in her eyes and he knelt back down in front of her.

 

“Scared?” He asked as he caught and wiped a tear that had fallen. Chelsea nodded.  “Yeah, I was too.” He replied as he brushed some hair behind her ear.  “Did you want to wait a minute or two?”

 

“No” She said as she quickly shook her head.

 

“Okay” He replied with a light smile. 

 

AJ opened the door as Chelsea put her mask on; he walked behind the wheelchair, put on his mask and then pushed her into the room.  There was a lot more space than the last room Logan was in and AJ found himself more relaxed in this room as well.  He brought the wheelchair to a stop and smiled behind the mask at the Nurse as she walked over to them.

 

“Chels this is Jamie, she’s Logan’s nurse.” AJ told her but when he looked down at his wife she was staring at the incubator and he wondered if she had even heard him.  Then he noticed she was shaking, a lot.  “Chels?” He said as he knelt down beside her.

 

“I-I…” She paused.  “I can’t do this, I need to leave.” She said quickly her voice shaking.

 

“Chelsea I know…”

 

She interrupted him.  “Now” She said and AJ wasn’t sure what was in her tone, anger, fear, sadness.  He quickly looked at the Nurse and then stood up and pushed Chelsea out of the room.  When they entered the prep room Chelsea ripped off her mask as she broke down into hysterics.

 

“Chelsea” AJ said sadly as he knelt down beside the wheelchair.

 

“Look what I did to him.” She gasped out as she wrapped her arms around AJ and squeezed him tightly.  AJ closed his eyes as his heart began to ache and sunk with sadness.  “It’s all my fault.”

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Twelve

                AJ pulled away and placed his hands on the side of her face as she cried.  “Sweetheart, look at me.” He said.  “This is not your fault, all the tests came back, there was nothing wrong and it was just something really unfortunate.” He told her.  “The Doctors told you this is not your fault.”

 

“But it is I am his Mother, I was supposed to protect him.” Chelsea said angrily. “Not a bunch of wires, tubes and a plastic box.”

 

“He still needs you.” AJ told her. “He still needs his Mom there, to tell him everything will be ok, to watch over him every day, to hold him in your arms and keep him safe.” AJ said as Chelsea began to calm.  “You have to stop blaming yourself sweetheart, this wasn’t your fault.  You did everything you were supposed to.” He said and she scoffed a little.  “He needs you to be strong.”

 

Chelsea took a deep breath and exhaled.

 

“Do you wanna come back later?” AJ asked.

 

“No” She said as her eyes closed.  “No, I can do this.” She took another breath.  “I can do this.”

 

The couple got ready again and then headed back into the room.  AJ rolled her up to the incubator and locked the wheelchair in place.  When he glanced up he caught everyone looking at them through the window.  They looked a little confused and worried, so he gave them a gentle wave letting them know things were ok, for now.  He pulled a chair beside her and took her hand as the Nurse explained to Chelsea what everything is for.  She shook all the way through, her hand never once releasing its grip.

 

“Would you like to hold him now?” The Nurse asked and Chelsea looked at her in shock.

 

“H-hold him?” Chelsea replied unsure.

 

“Yes” The Nurse nodded.  “When you can hold him close to your heart and skin, it allows him to pick up the bond he has with you.  It’s been proven that preemies who are held by their mom or father have a stronger chance of surviving than ones who stay incubated.” 

 

“I-I don’t know” Chelsea replied as she looked at the baby.  “Is it safe to take him out?”

 

“Right now we’ll keep him wrapped and secure to protect the skin from to much moisture, when he gets a little older then we can do the skin to skin but he has no under lining health problems, many preemie Doctors prefer  to do this, the bonding they get from it is a huge positive.”

 

“Alright” Chelsea said.

 

“You sure?” He whispered to her knowing how she was just a couple of minutes ago.  Chelsea nodded but her eyes didn’t break from the baby.

 

“Hold him like this ok?” The Nurse said as she handed Chelsea her son.  AJ noticed his wife took a deep breath as Logan was set in her arms but AJ smiled.  He knew his smile was ear to ear seeing the two of them together.  He took a moment and then reached into his pocket; he pulled out his phone and set it to camera.  Taking a couple of steps back he lined the two up on the screen and then took a picture.

 

“We’ll do two minutes once a day and then in a few weeks we’ll do two minutes twice a day usually in the morning and at night.”  She told them.  “Now if something does happen while you’re holding him don’t panic, I will come over and check him, maybe something slipped off or it might be more serious but the important thing is not to panic ok?”

 

“Ok” Chelsea replied with a nervous nod.

 

The nurse lightly smiled at them and then walked over to a counter and began writing something.  AJ looked at Chelsea and Logan and a wave of calmness came over him.  He turned a little and looked out the window.  Everyone was standing around, they waved and he lightly waved back. 

 

“How you doing?” He asked when he looked at back at her.

 

“I’m ok right now” She replied but didn’t move her eyes from her little boy.  “Oh do you want to hold him?” She asked finally looking at him.

 

“No its ok this is your time.” He replied as he put his hand on her leg.

 

“Are you sure?” She asked.

 

AJ lightly laughed. “Yes sweetheart.”

 

When the nurse came over to put Logan back into the incubator AJ was kind of glad.  He really didn’t want something whether major or not, to happen while Chelsea was holding him for the first time.  Trying to get her to see none of this was her fault was hard enough.

 

“So did you want to stay longer or did you want to go back to your room.” He asked her.

 

“I want to stay” She said.

 

“Ok” He replied with a light smile.

 

AJ grabbed a chair and sat down next to his wife.  He held her hand and stared at her as her eyes stayed locked on their son.  The two didn’t say much to each other but they didn’t need to.  The way they held each others hand, the look in their eyes when they would quickly glance at each other and the gentle kisses on the temple said more than words ever could. 

 

When AJ looked down at his watch he was surprised to see it was after lunch.  He looked at Chelsea and she was still staring adoringly at Logan.  He looked out the window and saw that no one was there.  A frown came over his face wondering where everyone had gone too.

 

“Are you hungry?”  He asked Chelsea when he looked back to her.

 

“Yeah but I don’t want to go.” She replied with a small frown.

 

Just then one of the machines started buzzing.  Both AJ and Chelsea jumped and then looked at the incubator.  The nurse hurried over and began looking at the machine that was buzzing and now beeping.

 

“What’s going on?” Chelsea asked and then the door to the room opened and Doctor Lane came into the room. 

 

“Chelsea I’m going to ask you to step out for a minute ok? Just so we have some room.” The Doctor said to them.

 

“What’s going on?” Chelsea asked as AJ grabbed the back of her wheelchair.  She leaned over to get a better look now that people were blocking her view.  “Why is she opening the incubator, what’s going on, tell me what is wrong with my son?” Chelsea asked as her and AJ left the room.

 

“Chels let them check it out ok?” AJ said as he stopped her.

 

“Go to the window.” Chelsea told him.

 

“Just wait here and she…” AJ stopped when Chelsea stood up.  A gasp of pain broke from her lips.  “Chels.” He replied as he reached up and grabbed her arms.

 

“Take me to the window.” She demanded but let him sit her back down.

 

“No” AJ replied.  “We are going to stay right here and wait for the Doctor.” AJ told her.  He didn’t want to walk her over there and end up seeing something that would upset her more, making him more upset.  He was barely hanging on by a thread as it was. 

 

“He has to be ok, he has to be.” Chelsea whispered.

 

“We don’t know anything yet sweetheart, it could be something as simple as one of the heart monitor pads fell off, we don’t know so please don’t get yourself all worked up yet.” AJ told her as he placed his hand on the side of her cheek.

 

“Guys?” He heard Kevin say and he turned around.  “Everything ok?”

 

“We’re not sure.” AJ told him as he stood up.  “One of the machines started going off and Doctor Lane asked us to wait out here.”

 

“Did you need to get some air or something?” Kevin asked.

 

“I could go for a smoke.” AJ sighed. “But I want to wait and see what the Doctor says first.”

 

“Where’s Nadia?” Chelsea asked after a moment of silence.

 

“We figured you two were going to be a bit so Mom and Kris took her shopping.” Kevin said as AJ sat down on a chair against the wall.

 

The three sat there waiting, wondering as each minute past what was going on in the room.  AJ knew Chelsea was getting restless by the way she gently shook her leg and would bite a nail here and there.  With a deep breath AJ rested his head against the wall.

 

“Are you ok?” Chelsea said and he looked up.  He looked beside him and saw Kevin was reading something on the hallway wall. 

 

“Yeah” He replied as he looked back at her.  “Just worried, wondering what’s taking so long.”

 

“Do you feel dizzy or anything?”  She asked

 

He looked at her confused.  “No, why?”

 

“I just wanted to make sure the stress wasn’t getting your blood pressure up to high.” She said

 

AJ reached up and ran his hand down the back of her head and smiled.  “I’m good.”  He then leaned in and gently kissed her on the temple.

 

“Are you sleeping ok?” She asked as he started to sit back.

 

His mind raced back to the night before when he was lying awake and heard Nadia crying.  “Yeah, yeah I’ve been sleeping ok.”

 

“Okay?” Chelsea asked her eyebrow slightly rose.  “Well I guess I should be happy you’re sleeping at all.”  AJ smiled and lightly laughed at her comment. 

 

He looked at her and wondered if he should tell her.  No, not now, not until after they find out about Logan, she’s still far too upset.  He didn’t want her to worry at all about Nadia; he could handle Nadia her focus needed to be on getting herself better.

 

“I’m fine really.” He told her with a light smile.

 

The door to the room opened and Doctor Lane came out.  She closed the door behind her and then looked over at the couple.  AJ stood up right away trying to read the expression on the Doctors face.   Was it good was it bad? He couldn’t tell.  Chelsea hand wrapped tightly around his and he looked down quickly. 

 

“He’s ok for now.” She said and AJ sighed, the grip on his hand got tighter for a second and then loosened.  “We believe he’s suffering from patent ductus arteriosus. Prior to birth, the ductus arteriosus connects the two main arteries leaving the baby's heart-the pulmonary artery, which pumps blood to the lungs, and the aorta, which pumps blood to the rest of the body. The ductus usually closes when the baby is born, separating the two arteries. In premature babies, however, the ductus arteriosus may remain open causing extra blood to be pumped through the lungs in the first days of life.”

 

“Is that what happened?” Chelsea asked.

 

“Yes” Doctor Lane nodded.  “But we were able to clear his lungs and we now have him on medication called indomethacin.  This medicine causes the ductus arteriosus to close. Greater than eighty percent of premature babies who have an open ductus arteriosus improve with this treatment.”

 

“What if it doesn’t work?” AJ asked.

 

“If it remains open and symptomatic, an operation to close the duct may be required.” She told them.  “But one thing at a time…”  Doctor Lane looked down at her notes and then back at them.  “He’s resting now and you should do the same.” She said looking at Chelsea.  “Try not to worry too much alright?”

 

“Okay” AJ replied with a light smile.

 

Doctor Lane left them and headed to the nurses station.  AJ knelt down beside Chelsea.  “Ready to go?” He asked.  “I’m sure your lunch is waiting for you.”  Chelsea nodded and he stood up, grabbing the back of the wheelchair. 

 

“So did you guys understand what she was talking about?” Kevin asked as they walked down to Chelsea’s room.

 

“I think that ductus thingy was suppose to close when he was born but because he was premature it didn’t.  Which meant blood was filling his lungs, so they are giving him medication that will help it close.”

 

“Well that’s good that it’s something that is fixed with meds.” Kevin replied.

 

AJ gave Kevin a smile but he remembered the words the Doctor said.  If it didn’t close they were most likely going to have to operate.   It seemed to be one thing after another, the baby being borned early, worrying about Nadia and now things for Logan are up in the air.  His thoughts started to over whelm him and he stopped dead in the hallway.

 

“You alright man?” Kevin asked as he turned around.  AJ looked up at him and then down at Chelsea who turned slightly in her chair and looked at him.

 

“I…” He paused.  “I think I’m going to go for the smoke now, can you take her back to her room.”

 

“Alex are you ok?” Chelsea asked.

 

“Yeah sweetheart I’m fine.” He said trying to be as normal as possible as he moved from the wheelchair.  “I’ll meet you in your room.”

 

“Alright” Chelsea replied as he gave her a quick kiss and then headed down the other hall towards the elevators.  All he needed was a little air and everything would calm down.

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Thirteen

               

                AJ stood on the pier as he watched the water below crashing into the wooden pillars. With a flick of his fingers he sent the ashes out into the wind.  He looked up and saw the sun was getting close to the Ocean line.  Letting out a deep breath he sighed, thinking about what brought him here.  How he was only going out for a cigarette and ended up down on the pier in Malibu.  He just needed to get away if only for a few ours.  It felt like the walls were closing in, like he roof was coming down, and the air was being sucked out of the room he stood in. He was trying so hard to stay calm, to stay focused for Chelsea but he was starting to find it to hard.

 

“I need a drink.” He mumbled to himself.

 

Yeah just one drink that’s all he needed something to put his mind back into focus.  He took a drag from his cigarette and held it in and then exhaled blowing the smoke out.  His eyes darted down and he saw his smoke was almost out.  Pinching it between his thumb and pointer he flicked the butt out into the Ocean.  As he turned back to walk down the pier to the parking lot his cell phone went off.  He was actually surprised that this was the first time it rang since he had been gone.  Pulling the phone from his pocket he flipped it over and looked at the screen.  It told him it was Kevin’s phone.  Pressing on the screen as he put the phone to his ear he answered.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Are you okay?” Chelsea’s voice asked on the other end.

 

“Yeah I’m fine.” He replied as he slowly walked down the wooden path.

 

“Are you sure because I asked before you answer yeah I’m fine and then took off.” She replied.

 

“I know sweetheart and I thought I was but when I got outside, I just…I just had to get away and clear my head for a few.” He told her.

 

“Where did you go?” She asked.

 

“Down to the piers.”

 

“In Mali?” She asked a little surprised.

 

“Yeah, I was just getting ready to head back when you called.”  He told her.

 

There was a pause and then she spoke.  “Have you been…”

 

He cut her off.  “No Chels.  Just needed to get away.”

 

“So you’re coming back now?” Chelsea asked.

 

“Yes.” AJ replied.  “I see our car now.”

 

“Okay” She replied.  “I love you.”

 

“I love you too sweetheart.” He said then he waited for the click and then hung up the phone.

 

AJ got into his car and headed back to the hospital.  It was nice to get away, even though it was unplanned.  Although now came the guilt.  The guilt of not letting Chelsea know, like his wife didn’t have enough things to worry about.  Then he wondered if he was being selfish.   He pulled into a Coffee Bean and grabbed his usual but as he pushed on the door to leave the coffee shop something happened that he was not expecting.

 

AJ stopped dead and stared at the person in front of him.  “Dad” He spoke his voice barely a whisper and for a moment the three year old boy came back, glad to see his Father but then the memories returned, the pain returned.  Only there was a new feeling this time, the feeling of almost losing his son. 

 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” AJ said and he could tell his Dad was taken off guard by the anger.

 

“I heard about what happened and…” His Father started to say but AJ knew what he was going to say.

 

“…and you wanted to come and say how sorry you are.” AJ snapped.  “How we should use this as a sign for us to work on our relationship, sound about right?” He asked as he moved past the man.  “I’ve heard this shit before.”

 

“Look Alex…” Again he interrupted him.

 

“No you look!” AJ yelled as he spun around.  “Two days ago my whole world almost came crashing down.  Two days ago I almost lost my son.” His Father showed no emotion as he continued yelling.  “The thought of almost losing him, kills me inside, it hurts, it’s scary, and I hate feeling it. So I have to ask myself when I see you standing here, pretending to give a shit.  How pathetic of a person do you have to be to lose your son by choice?” He then turned to his car and put his key into the lock.

 

“I didn’t come here to fight.” His Dad replied.

 

“Well what the fuck did you think was going too happened, huh?” He yelled as he got into his car and slammed the door shut.  “The last time I saw you was in fucking Paris, two years ago!”  AJ slammed the car into reverse and squealed out of his spot.

 

When he got to the Hospital he was still fuming over the encounter at the coffee shop.  He stormed his way upstairs and down the hall.  He paid no attention to Kevin and Anne in the hallway as he walked into Chelsea’s room.

 

“There you ar…what’s wrong?” Chelsea asked as he sat down in the chair beside her bed.

 

“You’ll never fucking guess who I ran into at the fucking Coffee Bean.” AJ snapped.

 

Chelsea sighed and he looked at her.  “There’s only one person who gets you that angry.  What did he want?”

 

“Same fucking thing he wants every time.  Try to make it work.” AJ replied sarcastically. “Well I’m done making it work, been done since fucking Paris.  I know why he left, cause he couldn’t deal with the damn song, can’t own up to anything but when he thinks he has an easy way in, a way he can get to me without having to deal with his shit, the he comes back.”  AJ took a deep breath and looked at his wife.

 

He sighed.  “I’m sorry”

 

“Don’t be you’re mad and you have every right to be.” She said. 

 

AJ got up from his chair and slipped onto the bed beside him.  He took her in his arms and gently laid them back.  “But I shouldn’t bring this on you.”

 

“I don’t mind.” She replied.

 

“I hope I didn’t make you worry too much.” He said as he closed his eyes.

 

“I can of figured you had gone some where to get away for a bit.” She told him.  “I was worried…” She stopped.

 

“You were worried I was out drinking?” He asked even though he knew the answer.

 

She nodded.

 

“Well I wasn’t, I just drove around and then went to the pier.” He told her.

 

The door to the room opened and AJ opened his eyes.  He smiled when he saw Nadia walk in.  “Hey kiddo”

 

“Welcome back.” She replied as she sat down in the chair on the other side of the bed.

 

“Did you have fun shopping?” He asked as he gave her a look for the comment.

 

“Yeah, shopping with Kris is always fun.” Nadia replied and AJ frowned.  His daughter then rolled her eyes.  “Next to you of course.”

 

“That’s more like it.” AJ replied with a light nod and Chelsea chuckled.

 

“So did you tell him?” Nadia asked as she looked at Chelsea.

 

“Tell me what?”

 

“No” Chelsea replied at the same time as AJ.

 

“Doctor Lane said Mom should be able to go home tomorrow.” Nadia said.

 

AJ quickly looked at Chelsea. “Really?”

 

“Only if I am up too it and I’m not sure if I wanna leave Logan.” Chelsea told him.

 

“I think you should go home.” AJ told her.  “I know.” He said when she went to protest. “But wouldn’t you like your own shower, your own PJ’s and your own bed?” He asked. 

 

“Yeah you’ll be more relaxed at home and you’ll sleep better, which means you’ll be better for Logan.” Nadia told her.

 

“And this is why they say she has your smarts.” AJ replied looking at Chelsea, his wife lightly smiled.  “We’ll get up and have breakfast, we’ll go the Hospital, we’ll spend a few hours with him and then we’ll go home. We’ll have a nice dinner relax and do it all over again the next and the day after that, until we bring him home.”

 

The three of them started talking about bringing Chelsea home but before they could get too far into the conversation the sounds of shouting outside of the room took their attention.  AJ got up off of the bed and walked over to the door.  When he opened it the voice broke through the room.

 

“You got a lot of nerve showing up here man.” Kevin snapped and AJ looked at his Dad.

 

“I just want to talk.” His Dad said sounding like a broken record.

 

“This really isn’t the place.” Anne spoke up.

 

“You really need to go home.” AJ said and the three people in the hall looked at him.

 

“Alex please don’t be angry with me you need to let this go so…”

 

“Do you want me to go get security?” Kevin asked.

 

“Yes” AJ replied.

 

“Coo” Kevin said as he turned to walk down the hallway.

 

“Fine.” Bob said as he put his hands in the air. “I’ll g…” His Dad stopped and stared.  At first AJ thought he was staring at him but then he realized his Dad was staring past him.  He looked over his shoulder and saw Nadia.  AJ closed the door and it broke his Dad’s stare.

 

“Is that…”

 

“Forget it.” AJ said sternly.  “I’ll be damn if I let you do to her what you did to me.”

 

His Dad stared at him, the expression on his face showed anger, frustration and then it went blank.  He watched as his Dad walked down the hall and disappeared as the door closed behind him.  Turning his head he looked back at Kevin and Anne who looked at him with sympathetic eyes.

 

“Number One Dad.” He replied sarcastically as he turned and opened the door to Chelsea’s room.

 

“Everything ok?” Chelsea asked.

 

“He’s gone.” AJ told her.

 

“That was your Dad?” Nadia asked him.

 

“Yup” AJ replied as he looked from the ground to Chelsea.

 

“How come he’s here?” She asked.

 

“He does this when something happens to me, he tries to come back into my life and make things right.  Thinking I would forgive and forget everything that’s happened.” AJ told her.

 

“When was the last time you saw him?” Nadia asked.

 

“A couple of Months after we found your Mom, he flew out to Paris to see one of my shows.” AJ said as he stood up.

 

“Where are you going?” Chelsea asked.

 

“For a smoke” He told her but he saw the look on her face.  “I swear.  I’ll bring Kevin with me.”  Chelsea lightly smiled at him.  “I’ll be back.” He said before he walked out the door.

 

Chelsea watched the door close and then she looked down at her blankets.  She hated seeing him like this and she didn’t mean his anger.  Whether his Father would show up or not show up or just the mere mention of his name would irritate him like this. She looked up when her daughter spoke.

 

“So if his Dad doesn’t care why spend all that money to go to Paris and see him?” Nadia asked.

 

“I think that’s a question your Dad often asks himself.” Chelsea replied to her.

 

“Why doesn’t he just ask him then?” She asked.

 

Chelsea looked at her daughter and she lightly laughed at herself.  She wondered if this was how she made people feel with her questions when she was Nadia’s age.  “Your Dad and his Dad have a very fragile relationship.” She told her.  “A lot of it has to do with the fact your Gran…” She paused catching herself.  “It has a lot to do with the fact Bob won’t own up to walking out on your Dad and for not being there.  He blames your Grandma, your Great Grand parents; he would probably even try the blame the Pope if it fit the story.”

 

“You don’t like him either?” Nadia asked as she curled up in the chair.

 

“It’s not that I don’t like him, I don’t know him.  When he showed up in Paris I was in Kentucky.  Before that was when we were about fifteen sixteen and he hadn’t heard from him since he was about eight.” She told her.  “All I knew of him was what your Dad told me and even then it wasn’t much because he didn’t remember much.”  Chelsea paused and thought back.  “I can only imagine what went on in your Dad’s head the day he showed up at Bob’s house when he was eighteen and saw everything.”

 

“What did he see?” Nadia asked.

 

Chelsea looked at her.  “Backstreet.” Nadia looked at her weird.  “He had magazines, pictures, posters, articles, and even concert tickets.”

 

“Bummer” Nadia sighed.

 

“Yeah” Chelsea nodded.  “From that moment Bob was all about your Dad until he went into rehab and then the spot light started to fade, the group took a break, and Bob stopped calling, stopped visiting and that was that.”

 

“Did he tell you this?”

 

“Yeah, Kevin’s told me a bunch of stuff too.” Chelsea said. “Your Dad does talk to me about it, when it is bothering him but he doesn’t go into detail.”  She looked down at her wedding ring.

 

“Well Dad didn’t like it when his Dad was looking at me.” Nadia said.

 

“Is that why he closed the door?” Chelsea asked and Nadia nodded.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Nadia spoke up after a moment of silence.

 

“Sure”

 

“I over heard Kevin telling Anne that you were asking Dad about his blood pressure and Kevin was really confused on why you were so concerned over it.”  She told her.  “Is Dad ok?”

 

“Yeah he’s fine.” Chelsea told her.  “When he went for his physical before the tour his Doctor said his blood pressure was a little high and he pinned it down to being stress.”

 

“How come you never said anything before?” Nadia asked.

 

“It’s not life threatening just something your Dad needed to pay attention to, so we figured there wasn’t any need to and with Logan and everything I just wanted to make sure he was ok.”  

 

“Well you should say something to Kevin cause he’s kind of freakin’ out.” Nadia said with a light laugh.

 

Chelsea chuckled.  “He does that when he worries.”

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Fourteen

February 6th 2010

 

                Chelsea comes home today.  Yay! It’s gonna be nice having her home again.  One less person I have to worry about at night.  Dad’s in Cali, he had the fucking nerve to show up at the hospital.  I do not need his shit right now.  I hope he’s going home today and not gonna show up at my door while Chelsea is getting adjusted to being back.  I should have known he was going to show up but I guess I had other things on my mind.  I can’t believe he thinks this would bring us together; doesn’t he know what I’m going through? No, no he doesn’t because he never has.  That’s our entire fucking problem.  Nadia’s at school she was a little pissed I made her go but by the time Chelsea actually gets out she’ll be on her way home from school.  It was weird; I had to put my Dad foot down.  I hope she doesn’t make me do that too often.

 

                AJ walked down the same hospital hallway he had walked down every day for the past few days.  He had a small spring to his step excited to bring his wife home and happy that life would turn some what back to normal. 

 

“Alex” He heard Kevin say and he looked up with a smile.

 

“Hey man you beat me here.” AJ replied with a smile.

 

“Alex.” Kevin spoke again and this time he saw the look on his face.  There was sadness, pain, and glossy eyes. 

 

“Is Chels ok?” AJ asked and Kevin slowly nodded.

 

He didn’t wait for Kevin to say anything more and took off down the hall past Chelsea’s room.  His former band mate called after him but he ignored it.  His heart was racing a mile a minute and it wasn’t from the running.  Logan was fine, his son was fine, he had to be, he was fighting so hard. When he ran up on the door to Logan’s room it opened and he almost slammed into the Doctor as she walked out.

 

“Mr. Mclean” The woman said a little shocked.

 

“I want to see Logan.” AJ said breathless.

 

“Mr. Mclean…” She stopped and looked behind him AJ turned to see what was so important that she couldn’t answer him.  When he turned around he saw Kevin standing there.  He saw the glance the two shared.

 

“I want to see my son.” AJ said as he looked back at the Doctor.

 

“I am sorry AJ but you can’t.” Doctor Lane said.

 

“Alex” Kevin said

 

“Why?” AJ asked as he looked from her too Kevin.

 

“Don’t say it, please, please don’t say it.” He thought to himself.

 

“Your son passed away a couple of minutes ago.” She spoke in a solemn tone.

 

“N-no” AJ said shaking his head.  “No you’re lying, you’re fucking lying.” AJ shouted.

 

“Alex” Kevin said as he reached for him.

 

“Don’t! Don’t fucking touch me.” AJ snapped as he pulled away from Kevin.   He looked at his friend searched his face for some kind of smile, some kind of sign this was some sick joke but it wasn’t there.  The reality began to hit him and he looked over at the door.  His face contorted into pain. “No” He spoke as he began to cry.  “No no, oh god please no.”

 

“We believe it was his heart, with all the stress it had been under just before labor and the stress afterwards was just too much for it.” Doctor Lane told him.  “We’ll know more after the autopsy.”

 

“Autopsy?” AJ replied with a slight whine as he looked up at the woman.  Quickly he looked away as he started to shake a little.

 

“This can’t be happening, he was going to make it, and I believed he was I told Chelsea he was….”

He felt like he was going to be sick, the room was spinning and he put his hand over his mouth.  He felt someone grab him and walk him over to a chair. They sat him down and when he did everything poured out.  He put his head in his hands and cried.  His heart began to rip into two and the pain was so bad he could barely breathe.

 

“AJ man, I’m so sorry.” Kevin said from beside him.  He looked up and saw his friend looking back at him crying.

 

“This can’t be happening Kev, please tell me this isn’t happening, tell me I’m dreaming or something.” AJ cried.

 

Kevin sniffed and wiped his eyes.  “Wish I could man.”

 

“Does Chelsea know?” AJ asked and then it hit him, If this was how he was feelings, what about Chelsea.

 

“Yeah Mom and Doctor Lane told her just before you got here.” Kevin said.  “What are you doing?” He asked when AJ stood up.

 

“I need to go see her.” He replied as he wiped his eyes and then wiped his hands on his jeans.

 

He walked down the hall not saying another word, his body was numb.  He did nothing to stop the tears, even if he wanted too he couldn’t his body was only able to do one thing right now and that was to get to Chelsea.  When they walked up to Chelsea’s room they saw Anne outside the door.

 

“What’s up?” Kevin asked and his Mom turned around.

 

“Oh Alex I’m so sorry.” Anne said as she pulled AJ into her arms.  AJ could see she had been crying too.  “I’m waiting for the Doctor.” Anne told them with a sniff.

 

“What’s wrong?” AJ asked.

 

“Doctor Lane told her about Logan…” Anne started to cry again.  “Chels just went silent.  She didn’t cry, she didn’t do anything, and right now she’s staring at the wall.  Doctor Lane said she was going to come back and check on her in a few minutes.”

 

AJ inhaled, the breathing was shaky as he wiped his eyes and tried to calm himself.  He stared at the door for a moment and then walked towards it.  The words of Kevin and Anne became nothing more than mumbles as it took everything he had to open the hospital room door.  He poked his head around the wooden entrance and just like Anne had said, she was sitting on the bed staring at the wall.  Carefully he walked over to her and sat down on top of her blankets.  His lip quivered as he went to speak and his hand shook as he took hers.

 

“Chels?” AJ said but it got no reaction from her.  “Chelsea look at me.”  AJ said trying to be strong for her.  Not knowing what else to do AJ leaned in and kissed her and then wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him.  Still no reaction, no arms sliding up his back, no tight squeeze no anything.  He pulled away and looked at her.  The tears streamed down his face and he sniffed as he tucked a hair behind her ear.  “Sweetheart please say something, do something.”

 

Nothing happened.  AJ closed his eyes and gently laid his forehead against hers.  He started to cry, cry harder than he had in a long time, maybe harder than he ever had.  His heart broke for his wife, she was lost, she was numb and he didn’t need to be her to know how she felt.  AJ pulled her back into his arms as he continued to cry and he didn’t stop until…

 

“Alex?” His wife whispered beside him. Slowly he pulled away and his eyes met Chelsea’s. “I-I…” She stopped talking and closed her eyes.  “My baby.” Chelsea gasped out as she began to sob.

 

AJ pulled her back into his arms.  “I know, I know sweetheart.” AJ spoke as he began to choke up.

“Why? Why did it have to be him?” She cried in his arms.

 

“I don’t know Chels.” AJ replied with a sob.  “But he has a plan and we always knew Logan was special.”

 

“Don’t!” Chelsea snapped as she pulled away from AJ.  “Don’t say that bullshit, he has a plan, I don’t give a shit about his plan he took my son from me!” She yelled at him.  “Do not pull this God crap on me…what kind of creator keeps a child locked away with her psychotic Father, what kind of creator gives you hope, hope that your son will live and then just rip it away from you!”  Chelsea began to sob uncontrollably.  AJ didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to do besides hold her so that’s what he did. 

 

“I want to go home.” Chelsea said as she pulled away again wiping her eyes.

 

“Huh?” AJ replied a little confused.

 

“They said I could go home today, there’s no point on me staying here now is there?” She said as she looked at him. 

 

“Chelsea…” AJ said with a sigh but she interrupted him.

 

“Just get me out of here.” His wife snapped quickly.

 

“I-I’ll see what I can do.” AJ said as he stood up from the bed.

 

He walked out into the hallway and saw Kevin, his wife Kristin and Anne sitting in the chairs across from the door.  They all looked at him with sad faces and he took a deep breath and sighed.  He looked down the hall, the direction Logan’s room was. Logan.  His face etched with pain again and he started to cry.  Anne was the first one over and wrapped him in her arms.

 

“Your Mom is on her way over hun” Anne said as AJ tried to calm himself.

 

“I need to go talk to the Doctor.” AJ spoke.

 

“Why, what’s going on?” Kevin asked.

 

                AJ took a deep breath and slipped his hands into his pockets.  “She wants to go home, she said since they were sending her home anyways because there’s no point to her staying here now.”

 

“I’m going to go sit with her while you do that.” Anne said as she gave AJ another quick hug and then walked into the room.  When the door opened AJ could still hear Chelsea crying. 

 

“Want some company?” Kevin asked.

 

“Sure” AJ replied with a shrug.

 

Making his way down to the nurse’s station AJ thought about what had just happened.  It was still to surreal wondering, hoping he would wake up from this god awful nightmare but something inside him kept telling him it wasn’t going to happen.  He would have to go through the days, remembering what little time he had with his Son.  Remembering how much love he had for his little man.  He would have to look at the pain on Chelsea’s face, the sadness on Nadia’s.

 

He stopped dead. “Nadia.”

 

“Huh?” Kevin replied as him and his wife stopped walking.

 

“Nadia’s at school, I still have to tell her.”  AJ said and his mind started spinning again.

 

“AJ can I help you with something?” AJ turned around and saw Jaime standing by the station.

 

“Chels wants to go home.” AJ told her. “Can I talk to Doctor Lane.”

 

“Of course.” Jaime said sympathetically and he noticed the redness in her eyes.

 

“So what are you going to do with Nadia?” Kevin asked as Jaime the nurse walked away.

 

“I’ll find out if Chelsea can leave, then I’ll drive down to the school and get her.”  AJ replied. 

 

They waited for a few minutes and then Doctor Lane came out of a room.  She walked over to AJ and grabbed a metal clipboard from the desk.  He wondered if she would let Chelsea go, knowing how hard she took the early birth and now what this must be doing to her.

 

“I assume I will have a fight on my hands if I keep her here?” Doctor Lane asked and AJ nodded.

 

“If you don’t think she’s well enough, keep her here.” AJ told her.

 

“This is where my job gets tricky.” The Doctor said.  “Even though there are Doctors here, people she can talk to here, sometimes just going home helps.  I’m not sure which one will work best for her.  You know your wife AJ what do you think will help her?” She asked.

 

“I think going home, being with Nadia and I, having some normalcy back would help her a lot.  It did when we found her in Mexico.” AJ said and the Doctor nodded.

 

“I want her to talk to someone before she goes.”  Doctor Lane said.  “I will set something up and get someone up there right away.”

 

“Okay” AJ replied with a nod.

 

“I will go get her papers ready then.” Doctor Lane said with a light smile.

 

“Will you guys take her home?” He asked as he turned to Kristin and Kevin.  “I’m going to go get Nadia, fill her in.”

 

“No problem man, we’ll see you at home.” Kevin said and AJ gave him a hug. “Tell her I love her and I’ll see her at home.”

 

“Okay man.” Kevin replied as AJ started walking down the hallway.

 

AJ left the hospital and he had hopped the cloudy fog would leave as he did but it didn’t.  Everything looked so different from when he showed up here only a half hour ago.  When he got into his car anger filled him and he squeezed the steering wheel. As rage over came him he started punching his stirring wheel.  Sometimes he would hit the handle part sometimes he would land a direct blow right on the horn but he didn’t care.  With each hit he let out a small cry until he couldn’t hit anything any more and just started sobbing as he whimpered his Son’s name.

 

Eventually AJ calmed down, he sniffed and wiped his eyes as he composed himself.  He lit up a cigarette and sat there for a moment.  He stared out the window watching the cars and people pass.  His cigarette was half way done before he even pulled out the Hospital parking lot.  Making his way through the twist and turns of LA he drove up to the front of the school and parked in visitor’s parking.  As he closed the door to his car he took a long drag from his cigarette and then butted it out on the ground.  He looked up at the large building and blew the smoke out of his lungs. 

 

“Please give me the strength” He sighed and a tear escaped from his eye.

 

 

               

               

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Fifteen

February 10th 2010

 

To you Logan James Mclean Thank You; Thank You for the love, Thank You for the joy you shared with me.  Thank You for giving me the chance to be your Father, even though it wasn’t very long and Thank You for being strong enough, for holding on long enough so your Mother could hold you. I know she’s been crying a lot because she misses you so much and today we have to say goodbye to you.  I want you to know you will always be in my heart; you will always be with me. So go in peace and know your Mom will be ok, I will make sure of it.  I miss you lil man.

 

Love always and Forever;

                Daddy

 

 

“Knock Knock” His Mom’s voice said and he looked up from his desk.

 

“Hi” AJ replied as he closed his book.

 

“Oh darling.” Denise sighed as she walked over to him.  She wiped the tears from his eyes and then hugged him.  He looked at her with a light smile and sniffed, his Mom frowned.  “The Limo’s are here, it’s time to go to the church.”

 

“Is Chelsea ready?” He asked as he put his journal into the top drawer.

 

“She’s still upstairs, I was figuring we’ll all head out and the three of you can go when you’re ready.” His Mom told him. 

 

They walked out of the room and down the hall to the kitchen.  It was pretty full; Kevin and Kris were there, Brian and LeighAnne, his Dad Tony, and Tim and his wife.  He felt a little bit of anger rise up in him when he saw Jerald wasn’t with the Richardson’s.  He looked over and saw Nadia at the table sipping on a soda. He sighed.

 

“Limo’s are here.” AJ told them.  “I’m going to go get Chels, we’ll meet you guys there.”

 

“I’m going with you guys right?” Nadia asked as she spun around.

 

“Yes Hun you’re coming with us.” He replied.  “I’ll be right back.”

 

AJ left the kitchen and headed up the stairs, he walked down the hallway to his bedroom.  As he passed the room that was supposed to be the nursery he stopped and peaked around the doorway.  There he saw Chelsea sitting on the floor in the middle of the room.  He stood there for a moment and watched her.

 

“Sweetheart?” He spoke hoping he didn’t scare her.  She looked back at him and he took a step in.  “The Limo is here.” He told her.  “Ready to go?”

 

“No” She spoke quietly.

 

With a sigh he opened his black suit jacket and sat down on the carpet.  He pushed her hair behind her ear and kissed her temple and then brought her into his arms.  It didn’t take her long to start crying.  He closed his eyes, focusing so he could be strong for her.  He remembered back to when he brought her home.  How she walked upstairs, shut the door to their room and didn’t come out.   She was sleeping when he went to bed but he was awoken by her crying. She wouldn’t go with him to pick out the Coffin luckily his Mom and Kevin were there to help him. Yesterday it was a battle royal trying to get her to see the councilor Doctor Lane had set them up with and she still hasn’t said a word to him since.  He didn’t care how mad she got at him, she needed to go, and she needed to talk to someone because she wasn’t talking to him.

 

“I can’t do this Alex.” She said as she pulled away.  “Please don’t make me do this.”

 

“Chelsea you have to go or you will regret it later.” AJ said “I’ll be right there right beside you the whole time, you can hang onto me and not let go for the whole day I don’t care, but you need to go sweetheart.”

 

“It’s not fair.” She cried.  “I want him back Alex, I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this, I want my baby.”

 

“I know Chels , if I could bring him back I would, I’d give up my life to bring him back to you if I could.”  He said as he started crying with her. “But I can’t and I know you don’t want to hear this right now sweetheart but you need to say goodbye.  You don’t have to let go you can keep him locked away in your heart forever but you at least need to say goodbye.”

 

“But I don’t want too.” She cried her voice almost a whine.

 

“Neither do I Chels.” AJ told her and she looked at him.  “You’re not alone in this, I’m dying inside too and the only things keeping me sober right now are Nadia and You.  I need you to go; I need you there beside me, holding my hand and keeping me sane.” 

 

Chelsea slid her arms through his and wrapped them behind him; pulling him against her tightly.  She didn’t say anything she just held him and he didn’t say anything either as he held her just as tightly back.  After a couple of minutes they pulled away and looked at each other.  He held her hands in his and took a breath.

 

“Ready?” He asked.

 

She nodded slowly.

 

He gave her a light smile and stood up. Then he walked behind her and slipped his arms under her and carefully lifted her up off the floor.  “You shouldn’t be sitting on the floor Chels, you’re still recovering .” He told her with concern, she didn’t say anything.  Following her out of the room, AJ closed the bedroom door behind them and then began to walk back downstairs.  When they reached the bottom Chelsea turned around and looked at him.

 

“Where is everyone?” She asked.

 

“The kitchen but they might have left already; they’re going to meet us there.” He told her. 

 

“They left” Nadia said as she walked out of the room.

 

“Well then we should get going too.” AJ told them as he motioned for them to go to the door.

 

AJ walked his family down to the long cars and the driver opened the door.  Nadia was the first one in and then Chelsea followed.  After AJ had gotten in the driver closed the door and he sat back.  He looked over to Nadia who was looking out the window and then he looked over to his wife.  She was fiddling with her fingers.  Reaching over he took her hand and she looked up at him.  He the brought it to his lips and gently kissed the back of her hand.  A small very tiny smile broke from her lips and right now it was enough for him.

 

The closer they got to the church the closer his wife got to him.  Eventually he had his arm wrapped around her as her head lied on his shoulder. They entered Hollywood Forever Cemetery and headed towards the small church that was on the property. When they rolled up to the Church they saw Denise, Anne and Kevin standing outside.  Kevin turned to look at the Limo and then that’s when AJ saw Jerald standing there. 

 

When the car stopped and the driver got out, the man walked around to their door and opened it.  AJ got out first and then he reached for Chelsea carefully holding her as she climbed out of the limo.  When she stood up he looked at her.

 

“You ok?” He asked and she nodded.

 

When Nadia got out of the car she turned to her parents.  “I’m going to go see Denise.”

 

“Okay” AJ replied and then watched her walk over to his Mom and Dad Tony.

 

He looked down when Chelsea took his hand.  “If he starts anything even looks at you the wrong way so help me god.” She whispered.  He squeezed her hand lightly and smiled. 

 

“Don’t you worry about me and him.” He said. 

 

“Did you guys want to go in right away?” Kevin asked when he walked up to them.

 

He looked at Chelsea to see what she wanted to do but instead she spoke up.  “I’m sure you’re going want a smoke before going in.”

 

“No, it’s cool.” AJ replied.

 

“We’ll meet you in there.” Chelsea replied. 

 

He watched as their family went inside including Nadia and then he looked at Chelsea.  “What’s up?”

 

“Not ready.” She said looking at him.

 

“Well we’ll go sit over there and I’ll have my smoke, then we’ll go in ok?” He told her.

 

“Okay” She replied with a nod.

 

They walked over to the bench and sat down.  He pulled his lighter and cigarettes from the inside of his jacket and popped one out from the top.  “Give me one.” Chelsea said and his head snapped up at her.

 

“No” He replied quickly.

 

She rolled her eyes.  “Alex I’m a grown woman, my son just died give me a damn cigarette please.” She said her voice calm yet stern.

 

He gave her a look to let her know he wasn’t happy about her lighting up but he gave her the pack anyways.  Who was he to argue right now?  She lit the cigarette like most first timers do but it didn’t take her as many tries as he thought to actual get the flame on his Bic to stay lit long enough.  AJ was ready for the cough attacks that happen when you take your first drag.  Even though you try not to suck to much, it always ends up happening.

 

“Chelsea” AJ sighed.  She ignored him as she took a deep breath and a break.  After a moment she took another drag, she coughed again but not as bad as before.  By the time she was half way done her smoke it wasn’t bothering her anymore.

 

AJ stared at her as she took another drag from the cigarette.  It was weird seeing her sitting there smoking.  He started thinking how really life changing this event was to be for them.  Things were going to be different from this point on.  Their foundation was shook to the core and as Chelsea started to sob again he hoped he was strong enough to keep them up until the crack got fixed.

 

 Slipping his arm over her back he pulled her close to him.  There was nothing he could say, how many times could he tell her it would be ok.  With a heavy sigh he blew out the last of the smoke in his lungs and stood up as he butted out the cigarette.  He then turned to his wife and looked at her.

 

“Let’s go inside now okay?” He said as she tossed the butt of her cigarette.

 

She said nothing as she wrapped her arm through his and then let him lead her up to the church doors.  He pulled off his sun glasses as they walked inside and looked around.  Family and friends sat staring back at them with sad eyes. He saw Nadia sitting up front on the right with his Mom and Tony; the Richardson’s were on the opposite side of the isle.  Chelsea’s grip on him tightened and he looked over at her.  She was staring straight ahead and he followed her gaze. That’s when he saw the small ivory casket that he had only picked out a couple of days ago.  It was surrounded with baby blue flowers and a single white rose on top.  The walk to the bench seemed to take years but they both made it and sat down.  He looked over when Denise handed Chelsea some tissue and he gave her a light kiss on the side of the head.

 

When he looked away his eyes locked on the ivory box.  He thought about the small baby boy that laid inside.  Chelsea was right it wasn’t fair.  He wanted more time with his son.  He wanted to see him smile, hear him laugh, and tell him how much he loved him.  He wanted to take him on trips to the park, swims in the pool, and rides in the car.  Closing his eyes he tried to stop the tears from falling but he couldn’t.  He looked down as one dripped down his check and fell onto his hand.

 

The service was a blur the only thing AJ paid attention too was the box that sat in front of him.  He thought about the little time they had, taking pictures and little pep talks.  He thought about when Chelsea held their son, the smile on her face after she had calmed down and the look in her eyes as she looked over him.  He was never going to see that smile or that look in her eyes again.   AJ looked over at his wife, she sat still her hand still tightly wrapped around his but her eyes were closed. 

 

Leaning over he whispered.  “How are you doing?”

 

Her eyes opened and she looked at him.  She did not answer but laid her head on his shoulder.  He slipped his hand behind her and wrapped it around her side.  He glanced over to Nadia who was looking down at her hands twiddling her fingers.  His attention was taken away when he realized the people around him were standing up.  Gently he pulled Chelsea away and helped her stand up.  When he saw Kevin, Tim, Tony and Brian gather he knew it was time to go.  He watched as the four men gently picked up the small casket and followed the Priest down the isle.  A woman motioned for AJ and Chelsea to follow.  Still holding her around the waist AJ began walking with her down the isle, making sure Nadia was behind them.

 

When they walked outside the sun was a blinding bright so he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his glasses putting them on.  Carefully he took each step making sure Chelsea was ok.  They stopped at the bottom of the stairs and watched as the small ivory casket was loaded into the hearse.   AJ felt a hand on his arm and he looked to his right.

 

“Want me to take Nadia, so you and Chels can have some alone time?” His mom asked.

 

He looked over and his daughter.  “Do you want to go with my Mom?”

 

“Sure” Nadia replied.  She walked up to him and hugged him.  He held her tightly and longer than he normally does.  When she pulled away she turned to Chelsea and did the same.

 

“Love you” She heard Nadia say to her Mom.

 

“I love you too sweetheart.” Chelsea replied and AJ saw a small smile.

 

He took his wife’s hand as he watched his daughter walk away with his Mom to the other Limo’s.

 

“Let’s go.” AJ said to Chelsea as he looked at her.  She was still staring at the back of the hearse, the back door now closed and the group of pallbearers already getting into their limo’s.  It took her a moment but she started walking with him down to their car.  He opened the door for her and helped her on to the seat.  When she was settled he got in and closed the door.  It wasn’t a very long ride to the burial sight.  A nice little spot close to one of the many trees that scattered the lawn and it was a peaceful calm as the people gathered around the white chairs.  The car stopped and AJ turned to his wife, she stared at the back of the driver window. 

 

“We’re here Chels.” AJ said as he lightly placed his hand over hers, she didn’t move.  The driver opened their door and she still didn’t move.  “Chels.” AJ said as he cocked his head a little.  Her head slowly turned to him, her eyes locked on him and she started to slowly shake her head.

 

He turned to look at the driver.  “Just give us a second.” The man nodded and AJ closed the door.  He turned to his wife and saw the look on her face.  She looked a little frightened and tired.

 

“I-I-I don’t want to go.” She whispered her voice shaky and weak.

 

“I know you don’t but you have to…”

 

“Please Alex I don’t want to remember him like this.” She as he placed his hand on the side of her neck.  “I want to remember holding him and being his Mom for the short time I was.”  AJ pulled her into his arms as she started to sob.  “I don’t want to see the box on top of a pile of dirt; I don’t want to remember him that way.”

 

“Chelsea…”

 

“I can still say goodbye, I’m saying goodbye I…” She stopped but her grip around him tightened.  “Please Alex.”

 

His heart was telling him to pull her out of the car and sit her down, even his brain was agreeing but there was something nagging, somewhere at him and it told him to give her what she wanted.  Slowly he pulled her away and gently placed his hands on the side of her arms.  He looked into her wet, red puffy eyes and slowly inhaled.

 

“Alright” He sighed and before she looked away and fell back into his arms he saw relief in her eyes.

 

“Thank you” She whispered.

 

“Are you really sure this is what you want?” He asked and she nodded.  “Okay” AJ turned to open the car door when something grabbed his face and then he felt two lips press against his.  When she pulled away he looked at her a little stunned.

 

“I love you” She said and the shock disappeared and he lightly smiled.

 

“I love you too” He replied and gave her a quick kiss.

 

He thought about asking her one more time but knew at this point there was no convincing her. So he opened the door and got out of the car.  He informed the driver Chelsea would be staying and then began to walk towards his family and friends.

 

“Where’s Mom?” Nadia asked.

 

“She’s staying in the Limo.” AJ told her as he sat down beside her.

 

“What?” Kevin, Kevin’s Mom, and his Mom replied.

 

“What do you mean she’s staying in the car? Alex she needs to be here.” Kevin told him.

 

“Well she doesn’t want to be and I’m not going to make her, she doesn’t want to see this, she just wants to remember what she had and I trust she knows how she wants to deal with this.” AJ replied as he looked at everyone.  He then looked to the Priest.

 

“Sorry Father you can begin now.” He replied and the man nodded.

 

He felt a tug on his jacket and looked beside him at his daughter.

 

“Is Mom ok?” She whispered.

 

“Yeah she’s okay” He replied with a light smile and Nadia looked back at the Priest as he talked.  AJ took a deep breath as he looked at the casket in front of him.  “Please be okay.” He prayed to himself.

 

 

 

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Sixteen

                AJ sat on the white chair, alone.  No one was around him, they had all gone to their cars, they had all started to head to his place for a small collation but he sat alone on this white plain chair staring at the ivory box.  His hand sat on the bottom of his chin, his eyes dripped with tears and his mind raced with pictures of what could have been.  What Logan would have looked like at one, trying to walk, holding himself up on the tables and being all around annoying to his sister.  He thought about what his first day of school would have been liked, the little brave boy waving goodbye to his scared parents as they watched him find his friends and play.  He thought about having the little boy on stage, letting him run around and play much like Brian and Howie do with Baylee and James.  His eyes closed pushing the tears from them and he sniffed as something touched his shoulder. 

 

 

                Chelsea sat in the car waiting patiently for AJ.  Her daughter on the other hand was ready to burst from the doors.  She sighed wondering what was taken AJ so long but she didn’t want to look over and see the box.  Her chest tightened and she took a deep breath but the tightness made it choppy. Her son was lying in the box ready to be put into the ground.  She thought about not being able to hold him again and wished she had held onto him longer during that visit.  Again the sadness over whelmed her and her whole body tightened as she tried to fight it.  She was tired of crying, hell she was just tired. All she wanted to do was sleep.  From the moment she stepped foot into her house after the hospital to when Alex woke her this morning to get dressed.  Even now she wanted all the people at her house to go home, leave her alone so she could go upstairs and sleep.

 

                “Mom” Nadia said but she ignored her daughter.

 

A small feeling of guilt came over her but it was washed away by the grief that consumed her these last few days.  Even the guilt of not being able to protect her son wasn’t enough to hold back the sadness and sorrow.

 

“Mom” Nadia said again.

 

“What?” Chelesea replied a little snappish.

 

At first Nadia looked shocked and then she pointed out the window.  “I think you should go get Dad.”  Her daughter said to her and she looked at the girl confused but looked to where she was pointing too.  It was hard to see past the dark blue tint of the windows so she moved closer to get a better view.  Her eyes went wide when she realized what Nadia was talking about. AJ stood there toe to toe with his Dad. Quickly she reached for the handle, opened the door and flew out of the car but stopped dead when the pain of getting up to fast hit her.  She grunted in pain as she grabbed her stomach but looked up when something caught her eye.  She relaxed a little when she saw it was Kevin running a few feet away on her right but then she realized the hair was too light.

 

She gasped. “Jerald.”

 

 

His Father had done some pretty ballsy things but this, this took the fucking cake.  AJ couldn’t believe his Dad was standing here, that he had the nerve to show up here today.  He didn’t think there would be anything that could take away the sadness he felt right now but the rage was doing a pretty good job in keeping up.

 

“Give me one fucking reason why I shouldn’t knock you the fuck out right here!” AJ snapped as he put his face in his Dads.

 

“Alex I just want to talk.” His Dad pleaded.

 

“Talk!?” AJ shouted. “You have no right to be here! Chelsea doesn’t want you here and I definitely don’t want you here, so fucking leave.” He growled.

 

“Alex” His Dad pleaded again.

 

“Leave!!” AJ screamed and slammed his hands against his Dad’s chest and his Father stumbled back but didn’t fall.  As he reached back ready to send a fist flying two arms grabbed him and pulled him back.

 

“Not here man.” A voice said and at first he thought it was Kevin’s but it was just a little bit deeper than his.  Quickly AJ pulled away when he realized who it was and looked at the man shocked.

 

“Alex” He heard Chelsea say and he turned to look behind him.  She walked up to him and took him by the arm.  “Let’s go home okay?”

 

“I’m not going anywhere until I talk to you Alex.” His Dad said as he started walking with Chelsea back to the car.  “I’ll follow you to your place if I have too.”

 

“No you won’t.” Jerald said and he slowed his pace a little.  He noticed Chelsea did too.

 

“Excuse me.” He heard his Father say and he stopped walking, Chelsea too and they both turned a little to see what was playing out behind them.

 

They both watched as Jerald sat down in the chair.  “I’ll sit here all damn night if I have too; you’re not going to be bothering them anymore today.”

 

Chelsea and AJ looked at each other, he raised his eyebrows at her a little shocked and she looked back to Jerald.  A light smile broke from her lips and then she turned around heading back to the car.  He followed her, helped her into the car and then got in himself.  When the Limo pulled away AJ looked over to his wife ready to discuss the weirdness that had just happened.  He frowned when he saw the pain on her face.

 

“Chels you ok?” He asked.

 

“I got out of the car way to fast.” She replied.

 

“Should we go to the hospital?” AJ asked.

 

“No, I’m ok.” She replied.  “I didn’t feel anything rip, it just hurts, I think it’s easing off though.” He looked at her not happy with the uncertainty in her reply.  “That was weird.”

 

“Very” AJ replied as he looked out the window and noticed they were leaving the cemetery. 

 

“Are you ok?” She asked and he looked at her.

 

He took a deep breath the rage and anger disappearing when Jerald showed up.  “Yeah” He sighed.  “Why was he still here?”

 

“I don’t know I was sitting here and Nadia showed me your Dad had shown up.  I got out of the car and that’s when I saw Jerald walk up well run up.”  She told him.  “I thought it was Kev at first.”

 

“Me too” AJ replied with a light chuckle.  AJ looked up at Nadia and she was staring at the both of them.  “How are you doing?” He asked her.

 

“Me?” She asked and he nodded.  “I’m fine.” She replied, she always said that.  “So who’s all going to be at the house?”

 

“Basically just everyone that was there in the morning plus Howie, his wife and Nick.” AJ told her.

 

“Cool.” She replied with a nod and looked back out the window.

 

The rest of the ride home was pretty quiet; he wondered what everyone was thinking.  Were they thinking about the things that could have been or were they thinking about something else, anything else beside what the last few days had brought.  He wondered if Chelsea was thinking about what happened now.  What would happen tomorrow and the day after, and the day after that.  Living every day without their Son and without the love his little life gave them.

 

The Limo jerked and AJ looked up as the car stopped in front of their home.  He waited for the driver and then got out when the door opened.  When he climbed out of the car he turned to Chelsea and helped her out.  They both waited for Nadia and then made their way to the front door.  AJ walked into the house and he heard the chattering voices coming down the hall.  He waited for his wife and daughter to walk inside and then he closed the door behind them.

 

“Is everything alright?” Kevin asked as AJ turned around.

 

“My Dad showed up.” AJ told him and Kevin’s eyes almost bugged out of his head.

 

“What?” His friend replied.

 

“I’m going to go change.” Chelsea said before AJ could reply to Kevin.

 

“Okay” He replied with a light nod.

 

“So what happened?” Kevin asked as they both watched Chelsea slowly carefully walk up the stairs.

 

“I almost knocked him out.” AJ replied.  “But your Brother showed up and stopped me.”

 

“My Brother? Tim’s been here the whole time.” Kevin said confused.

 

“The other one.” AJ replied.

 

“Jerald?” Kevin gasped in shock.

 

“What did my Son do now?” Anne asked and AJ could tell she was annoyed.

 

“Nothing.” AJ replied.  “He actually helped us, holding off my Dad so we could leave.”

 

“My Jerald?” Anne asked confused as she tilted her head a little and AJ lightly laughed with a nod.

 

“Weird” Kevin said.

 

“Yeah” AJ replied still chuckling. “Maybe he’s not such a heartless prick after all.”

 

Kevin smirked and laughed as he walked with AJ into the Kitchen.  He saw Nadia in the fridge and got her attention.  “Dew” He told her and she reached in and grabbed him a soda.

 

“The whole thing was very beautiful AJ.” Howie’s wife said to him and everyone in the kitchen nodded.

 

“Thanks” AJ replied.

 

“Where’s Chelsea?” Kristin asked.

 

“She went upstairs to get changed.” AJ told them.

 

“Do you think she’d come back down?” Kevin asked.

 

AJ took a deep breath.  “I dunno”

 

“Are you sure her not being at the burial was the right thing to do?” His Mom asked.

 

He took another deep breath.  “I wanted her there but she didn’t want to be.  Like I said she didn’t want to see any of it, she just wanted to remember what she had.”  A couple of people mumbled in protest and AJ sighed.  “Look when she came back from Mexico everyone thought they knew better but they were wrong, she knew what she wanted, what she needed, so I just have to have faith that she knows how to handle this as well.”

 

 

Chelsea sat upstairs staring back at herself in the long mirror on the other side of the room.  Her mind played tricks on her.  It played tricks with her eyes and ears.  She heard her Father speaking too her.  She saw her Father staring at her as he sat beside her.

 

“Horrible” He smirked and she knew what he meant.  She closed her eyes and tried to push him out of her mind.  “Just horrible”

 

“You’re one to talk.” She whispered back.

 

“I never killed you.” He replied.

 

“I didn’t…” She stopped.

 

“You couldn’t protect the first one and you thought you could protect this one?” He asked. 

 

“Shut up” She whispered his words cutting into the fresh wound.

 

“That’s two children you’ve failed, one up on me.” He said and she put her head into her hands.

 

“Shut up” She moaned with her sobs.  The sound of her Father laughing ate away at her; so many times she had heard that laugh.  So many times she just wanted to silence it, forever.

 

“Chels?”

 

“Shut up!!” She screamed and shoved the person in front of her.  She opened her eyes stunned at what she had done but she was even more stunned to see it wasn’t her Father that lied on the floor.  Instead it was the eyes of her husband looking at her a little bewildered.  Quickly she looked into the mirror it was just her, she looked beside her and no one was there.  Then she looked at Alex.

 

“What the hell was that about?” He asked and she could tell in his voice there was no anger in his tone.

 

“I-I…” She stopped now a little confused herself and then she sighed realizing she had let her imagination get away from her.  “I’m fine”

 

“Chelsea you just screamed in my face and shoved me to the floor.” AJ said as he got up on his knees and knelt in front of her.  She looked at him embarrassed she didn’t want to tell him.  He pulled her into his arms and she slowly wrapped her arms around him. Right now this was the only place where everything didn’t over whelm her; right now everything was calm and peaceful.  “Talk to me Chels.” 

 

“Talk to him?” She thought.  How could she talk to him, sure he was in pain over the loss of their Son but it wasn’t his responsibility to protect him, it wasn’t him who failed Logan.  He would just tell her it wasn’t her fault and things would get better because he didn’t understand.

 

“I’m fine Alex really, I was just confused and upset and you scared me that’s all.” Chelsea told him.

He pulled away and looked at her.  She could tell he was studying her.  “Okay” He replied and she was relieved he dropped it.  “Are you going to come downstairs?”

 

“I’m really too tired to talk to people.” Chelsea said.  “I was kind of hoping just to nap for a little bit.”

 

“Chels I know you’re hurting but there’s a little girl downstairs…” Chelsea gave him a puzzled look.  “Okay she’s not little but she’s down there wanting to spend time with her Mom, she’s worried about you.”

 

“Alex I’m fine really, I just want some sleep it’s been a long day.” Chelsea replied.

 

“It’s been a long day for all of us.” AJ replied and she thought he sounded a little snippy. 

 

“Alex I want to sleep.” She told him.

 

“Well I want a fucking drink but I haven’t been spending all day at the bars.” He snapped.

 

“Don’t compare me wanting to sleep to that!” Chelsea snapped back.

 

“Why it’s the same thing.” He replied.  “All you’ve done since you’ve gotten home is sleep, you’ve spent no time with me but most importantly you haven’t spent any time with Nadia.” AJ told her.  “But yet she’s been very patient giving you the time you need.”

 

“She’s fine Alex.” Chelsea replied with sigh.

 

“Is she?” AJ snapped back and she looked at him shocked.  “Damn it Chelsea she hasn’t been with us that long, she was still adjusting when we found out about the baby, she had to get use to this new family and then a new baby. Now…” He stopped and she waited for more. 

 

“Now, what?” She asked.

 

He paused and stared at her.  “And now she’s having nightmares.”

 

“Nightmares?” Chelsea replied confused and AJ nodded.

 

“The first night we got home after you went into the hospital.” He started to tell her as he sat down on the bed.  “I was awake couldn’t sleep and I heard her talking, thought I was going to bust her on the phone with Kandis but when I walked in she was sleeping, talking in her sleep.”

 

“What was she saying?” Chelsea asked as she looked at him.

 

“At first it was just mumbling, I wasn’t sure if I should wake her but it was looking pretty intense.”  He told her and she frowned.

 

“Intense?” She asked unsure just how intense he meant.

 

“She was tossing, kicking a little and mumbling, so I woke her up and that’s when…” He paused.

 

She looked at him worried.  “What Alex?”

 

“She started swinging and screaming stop it over and over.” He told her.  “I didn’t tell you because there was everything going on with Logan and I didn’t want you to worry and then…” He paused.  She looked away knowing what he was going to say.

 

“Have you talked to her about it?” Chelsea asked.

 

“No and I’m not sure she really remembers waking up.” AJ told her.  “I don’t think she’s had another one since but with everything going on…” She nodded knowing they both missed it if anything more was happening.

 

Chelsea looked down when she felt his hand slid over hers.  “We lost our Son Chels but we still have our Daughter.” He told her and then pulled her into his arms.  With a sigh she started crying again and he held her a little bit tighter.

 

“I’ll make you a deal.” AJ said as he gently pulled her away.  “Come downstairs, spend some time with Nadia and then if you want to take a nap you can take one after.”

 

She really didn’t want to go downstairs and it was nothing against her daughter, it was just everyone else.  Looking at her with sad eyes, asking her eighty times a day whether she was ok or not, and the constant hugging.  But she knew he wouldn’t leave her alone if she said no.

 

“Alright” She replied.  He smiled and gently kissed her on the lips. 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Seventeen

               

                AJ sat quietly in the patio chair as he smoked a cigarette.  He stared out towards the mountains in the distance, the palm trees swayed in the gentle breeze and the early, very early morning sky calmed the land below.  He had been up all night fighting with himself, to go or not to go.  Everything in him wanted so desperately to leave this moment and just get down right tanked.  Not just tanked but the wake up three days later in an IHOP tanked.  But not this time, not now.  This time he was going to prove them all wrong, this time he was going too…

 

“What are you doing up?” A voice said from beside him and he looked up at Kevin.

 

“What are you doing in my house at…?” He looked down at his watch and was a little shocked by the time.  “Four Thirty in the morning.”

 

“I was up talking to Jerald I was around the area going home and figured I’d see if anyone was up.” Kevin said as he sat down beside AJ.

 

“I’m up” AJ sighed.

 

“Chels sleeping?” Kevin asked.

 

“Yeah” AJ replied a little agitated. 

 

“How are you?” His friend asked.

 

“I’m fine” AJ replied quickly yet almost robotic like.

 

“Ya don’t sound like it man and since its four thirty in the morning I have to wonder.”

 

“I want a drink so fucking bad.” AJ blurted out.  “I haven’t slept yet at all, I’ve been doing everything I can think of to kick it, playing the Wii, playing the three sixty, online poker, and now sitting here chain smoking.”

 

“I know it’s hard.” Kevin said but AJ interrupted him.

 

“No, no you don’t.  Hard is when your cat dies, this…this…this is merciless” He paused and took a deep breath.  “Chelsea is falling apart, you didn’t see her in that limo Kev, she was so terrified to leave it, I think she’s still blaming herself and I caught her talking to herself after we got home from the funeral.”

 

“Talking to herself?” Kevin replied confused.

 

“She was sitting on the bed saying shut up over and over and then when I went to talk to her she screamed at me and shoved me to the floor.” AJ told him.  “She said I scared her but I don’t think that was it.”  He took a drag of his cigarette.  “And then there’s Nadia.”

 

“What’s wrong with Nadia?” Kevin asked shocked.

 

“She’s having nightmares about something.” AJ told him. “I’m not sure what about but there’s stuff that happened with Helen that we don’t know about.”

 

“Like what?” Kevin asked and AJ heard the small hint of fright in his voice.

 

“We don’t know and we didn’t want to push.” AJ sighed.  Like a semi going over an old wooden bridge in Madison County AJ started to crumble.  He held his head in his hands as he sobbed and his friends hand on his back was no consolation.  “I am trying to hold this family together; I’m trying to be strong for them, to be there for them…”

 

“But” Kevin spoke.

 

AJ took a deep breath and wiped his tears.  “But what about me?”  He asked.  “Chelsea’s done nothing but sleep.  I take care of Nadia, I met with the Priest, I picked out the coffin, and I’m trying to keep my wife from totally losing it.  I’m just trying to keep everything going because if I stop...” He paused and took a deep breath.

 

“Yeah man I hear ya” Kevin sighed.

 

“I’m scared for her…” He told Kevin and his friend looked at him with concern.  “I’m scared she’s going to do something stupid.”

 

“Like what?” Kevin asked but AJ just looked at him. “AJ…”

 

“We got home from Hospital and she went right to bed, she woke up around three crying, she fell back to sleep, she crawled out of bed at two in the afternoon, I got her to eat toast and she went back to bed.  It’s like she just doesn’t want to be here, she doesn’t want to deal.”  He took a drag from his cigarette.  “Even today I tried to get her to come downstairs and sit with Nadia. You know, get her around her daughter around her family.  She sat there for something like fifteen minutes and then went upstairs and back to sleep.”

 

“How was she in the limo?” Kevin asked.

 

“A mess, she was sobbing almost uncontrollably, she was shaking and she looked terrified.  I don’t think I could have gotten her to go even if I tried to drag her out of the car.” He told him.

 

“Mom said she caught Chelsea smoking before she went upstairs.” Kevin said.

 

“That explains why I’m missing a few.” AJ sighed.

 

“You knew she was smoking?” Kevin asked.

“She wasn’t ready to go into the chapel that’s why she was a little pushy about the smoke.  We sat down I lit up and the next thing I know she’s asking me for one.”

 

“What?” Kevin replied stunned.

 

“I told her no but she bitched me out, told me she was a grown woman her Son had just died and if she wanted a cigarette she was going to have one.” AJ said.

 

“Alex you gave her one?” Kevin replied.

 

“What the hell was I suppose to do?” AJ snapped back.

 

“Not giving her one would have been a start.” His friend spoke trying to keep his voice down.

 

“I don’t know what to do, I’m trying to hold this all together, I’m trying to let her deal with this how she wants too but I don’t think it’s the right way.  It’s like she’s slipping from me.”

 

“Have you heard anything from Doctor Lane?”  His friend asked. “About he autopsy?”

 

“They are almost ninety percent sure it was an Apnea spell.   With his heart being as weak as it was…” AJ replied with a sigh.

 

“What is that?” Kevin asked.

 

“Basically it’s because his brain wasn’t fully developed in the area that controls the drive to breathe.  He stopped breathing and his heart went into cardiac arrest and because he was already pretty weak he didn’t come out of it.” AJ told him. 

 

Taking a deep breath he reached over and grabbed his pack of cigarettes.  He put the brown end into his mouth and lit the open tobacco tip.  With a deep inhale he pulled the smoke into his lungs, held onto it for a moment and then blew it out.  He looked over at his friend.

 

“So what did you and Jerald talk about?” AJ asked.

 

“About what happened at the grave site.” Kevin told him.  “And why he was there in the first place.”

 

“What did he say?”

 

“He was there because he says he saw your Dad hanging around so he stayed back too see if he would approach you.” Kevin told him.  “He said when he saw you jump up he started heading over and when you shoved him he started running.”

 

“Why?” AJ replied confused.

 

Kevin looked at him with a look of relief on his face.  “He’s not a heartless prick after all.”

 

AJ smiled and snickered.  “Well that’s good to know” He sat back in the chair and put his legs out.  The sky was starting to show a little pink which meant the sun was coming.  “I just don’t know what to do now.” He said as he looked down at his hands.  “How do I get Chels to stop blaming herself, how do I help her move on from this?”

 

“Ask her” Kevin said. “If you don’t know what’s going on, then ask her.”

 

“I did I asked her to talk to me when she shoved me.” AJ replied back.

 

“Not when she’s upset, cause obviously she was upset at that moment.” Kevin told him.  His friend then looked down at his wrist.  “Wow it’s almost five, I should get going.”

 

“Well thanks for stopping by.” AJ said as he stood up and walked inside the house. “Don’t make a habit out of it.”

 

“Whatever man, it sounded like you needed the talk.” Kevin replied with a smirk as they walked down the hallway.

 

AJ walked Kevin to the door and let his friend out.  He locked the door behind him and then turned back around.  Stopping at the bottom of the stairs and wondered if he should go out for one more smoke.  He looked upstairs and thought about his wife sleeping.  The urge to drink disappeared and the need to hold her took over.  Step by step he made his way up to the second floor.  The exhaustion of the day caught up to him when he reached the top and the door to his bedroom seemed to be miles away.  Finally he reached his room and opened the door.  The old wooden bridge buckled some more when he saw her sitting up crying.

 

“Chels” AJ sighed as he closed the door.  He walked over to her and sat down.  “Chelsea” He said as he took her hands.  “How long have you been up?” She didn’t answer but she lightly shrugged.

 

“Where were you, you weren’t here when I woke up?” She asked.

 

“I was outside having a smoke.” He told her.

 

“That sounds like a good idea.” She said as she pulled away the blankets but he gently grabbed her arm and stopped her from standing up.

 

“You’re not going outside; you’re not going to have a cigarette.” AJ told her.

 

“What did I tell you this morning?” She replied with an angry glare.

 

“That was this morning, this is now.” AJ told her.  “I want to talk to you.”

 

“Then talk to me outside while…”

 

“Damn it Chelsea no” AJ snapped and she looked at him confused.  “You’re not going to have a cigarette you don’t need one. “

 

“What do you want?” She asked coldly.

 

“I want you to talk to me.”

 

“About what?” She asked.

 

“Chelsea you know what.”

 

“I’m tired of talking.” She sighed.

 

“It seems you’re tired of a lot of things.” AJ replied to her and her head shot towards him.

 

“What is that suppose to mean?” She asked.

 

“The only thing you’ve done these past few days is sleep.”

 

“So?” She replied.

 

“So?” AJ replied a little shocked and a little hurt.  “So you have a daughter that lost her brother, a daughter that is still getting use to her Mother and Father…”

 

Chelsea interrupted him.  “I sat with her this afternoon.”

 

“One day Chelsea for about fifteen minutes and then you were upstairs sleeping again.” He said trying to stay calm.

 

“What the fuck do you want from me?!” Chelsea screamed and AJ sat there a little speechless.  “You come up here and bother me...”

 

“Bother you, I was going to bed and you were up here…”

 

She interrupted him. “Oh right you were downstairs smoking, sure.”

 

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?”  She said nothing but the look in her eyes said it all. “And when exactly do you think I’ve had time to drink, hmm?” He shouted.  “While you were sleeping and I was watching our daughter? Or maybe it was when I was down at the Funeral Parlor picking out the casket…oh wait I know it was when I was talking to the Priest we tossed back a few while writing out the Eulogy.“ He got up and walked over to his dresser, grab his PJ’s and walked into the bathroom. 

 

He threw the cotton pants across the bathroom and growled in anger and frustration.   As he leaned over the sink he looked at himself in the mirror.  Man he looked tired.  AJ lowered his head and let the tears fall, he let the pain, and frustration out.  He was trying so hard to stay on the right path, to stay the course focus on his family but what was the point of putting himself through this if she was just going to accuse him anyways.

 

“Fuck it” He thought and he grabbed the bathroom door knob.  He swung open the door ready to burst out of the room, out of the house into his car and down to the closes bar he could find.  But when the door opened he looked down and saw Chelsea standing right there. 

 

“What?” He asked his voice not hiding his anger and frustration.

 

“I-I’m sorry.” She replied.  “But you don’t know what it’s like…”

 

“I?” AJ snapped back. “I don’t know what it’s like? What the fuck does that mean?” He shouted as he walked into their bedroom.  “I don’t know what it’s like.” With a sarcastic laugh he shook his head.  “You’re right I don’t, I know  nothing about loosing a kid…” AJ’s temper was getting the best of him at this point and he spun to Chelsea.  “You know why!?” He yelled at her. “Cause I’ve been picking up your fucking slack.”

 

“Alex” Chelsea spoke but he ignored her.

 

“I’m the one who looked after Nadia; I’m the one who talked to the Doctors, the Councilors, even though you were there.  I’m the one that met with the Priest, picked out the Casket, I did everything!” He shouted at her.  “Everything while you stayed locked up in here sleeping; I haven’t had a fucking chance to fucking deal!”  With a growl he headed out of the room.

 

“Alex where are you going?” Chelsea shouted after him down the hall.

 

“For a fucking drink.” AJ mumbled as he hurried down the stairs, grabbed his jacket, his keys and walked out of the house making sure he slammed the door behind him.  He fumbled for his car key on the chain, his anger preventing him from focusing.  When he found the key he unlocked the door and got into his car.  He looked up as he started the engine and saw Chelsea standing at the door.  Quickly he looked away and peeled out of the drive way. 

 

He drove quickly through the streets of LA, blew through a couple of Stop signs, and almost got into another accident flying through an intersection.  His phone rang over and over and over but each time he ignored it.  His eyes locked on the road as he just drove and when the lights of the city faded away, when the lights of the heavy traffic vanished, AJ stopped the car. 

 

He pulled off to the side of the road but sat there still, not moving staring at the road.  It wasn’t about drinking any more it was about getting away, getting away from the pain, from the grief and from everything that was weighing him down.  He just wanted a moment to breathe; he needed a moment to exhale.  When his cell phone went off, his jaw and the grip on his steering wheel tightened.

 

“One fucking second all I want is one fucking second!” He shouted as he grabbed his cell phone and pressed he talk button.  “What!?” He yelled into the phone.

 

“She’s gone.” Chelsea quiet shaky voice said into the phone.  “She’s gone Alex.”

 

“Who’s gone?” AJ asked confused as Chelsea cried.

 

“Nadia” Chelsea replied.  “She took off after you did.”

 

AJ closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Just one second” He thought.

 

“Alex?” Chelsea shaky voice broke over the phone.

 

“I’m on my way home.” He said and then cut the call.

 

His eyes looked back onto the road and he gripped his steering wheel.  His mind drifted back to yesterday morning, although it wasn’t really yesterday to him since he hadn’t been to bed yet.  The words he wrote in his journal played back.

 

“So go in peace and know your Mom will be ok, I will make sure of it.”

 

His hands on the steering wheel loosened and he let out a sigh.  His car pulled back onto the two lane California highway and then turned around in a U turn, heading back towards Los Angeles.  He drove back the way he came and in his mind he knew where Nadia was most likely heading.  When he reached a Red Light he picked up his cell and dialed home.

 

“Did you find her?” Chelsea asked without saying hello.

 

“No not yet” AJ replied.  “Did you call Kandis’s?”

 

“Yeah Jodi said if she shows up there they will call right away.” Chelsea told him.

 

“I’ll head that way see if I can see her.” AJ told her and cut the call before she could say anything else.

 

When he turned off one of the major streets he started to follow the path he knew Nadia took whenever she walked over to Kandis’s.  He drove down about a couple of blocks and then to his relief he saw her.  As he rolled up to her he slowed down and rolled down the passenger window.

 

“Nadia” AJ said as he watched her out the window and watched the road.  She didn’t answer. “Nadia get in the car please.”

 

“No” Nadia snapped back but kept walking.  She adjusted her backpack and then picked up her pace.  AJ put the car into park and got out.  He jogged up to his daughter and stopped her.  “Let me go.”

 

“No you’re coming home; your Mother is worried sick about you.” AJ told her.

 

“Bullshit” Nadia barked.

 

“Hey!” AJ replied taking her by the wrist.

 

Nadia pulled her arm away.  “She doesn’t care, she doesn’t care about anything!  What’s going too happened to me now that you’re gone?”

 

“I’m not gone” AJ told her.  “And your Mom does care Nadia but she’s really hurt right now and…”

 

“And we’re not? We loved him too.” Nadia snapped back.

 

“I know” AJ replied as he pulled her closer to him.  “But we both have to remember that what your Mom is going through is different than us.  Your Mom carried him and there’s all that Mother Baby bonding they’re always talking about. She was already blaming herself because he was born premature and now this on top.  She feels guilty and yeah things are really rough for her right now.”

 

“Then why did you get so mad at her and take off?” Nadia asked as she wiped her eyes.

 

“Because I forgot, maybe I got a little selfish too; it’s been a rough few days.  We got to help her get better, we gotta try and get her to see this isn’t her fault and get her to snap out of this.” AJ replied.  “So” He said as he looked down at his daughter.  “Ready to go home?”

 

“Are you?” She asked.

 

“Yes” He replied with a nod.  She looked at the car and then at him. Then with a sigh she headed towards his vehicle.

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Eighteen

                AJ walked into the house with his daughter in front of him.  When he turned around from closing the door he saw Chelsea getting up from the couch. She walked right up to Nadia to hug her but Nadia moved and headed up the stairs.  AJ looked at his wife who just stared up the stairs and then she looked away as she walked back over to the sofa.  He hung up his jacket, put the keys on the hook and headed into the living room.  She sat on the couch her head in her hands crying.

 

“I’m Sorry for taking off.” He told her as he sat down beside her.  “I’m sorry for losing my temper; you’re not…”

 

“I’m such a failure.” Chelsea whimpered.

 

AJ placed his hands around hers and pulled them away from her face.  “You are not a failure.”

 

“Yes I am” She cried.  “I failed Nadia, I failed Logan…”

 

“Sweetheart”

 

“I’m a horrible Mother.” She sobbed.  “You should go find someone who will take care of her children and not have them taken away or…or…” She stared crying again.

 

“Chelsea” AJ sighed as he pulled her against him.  After a moment he pulled her away.  “Chelsea look at me.” He said as she kept her head down.  Slipping a couple of fingers under her chin he lifted her head and her eyes darted to him.  “You are not a failure, you didn’t fail Nadia and you did not fail Logan.” He told her. “And there is no way in hell I’m going to find someone else because there’s no one else like you Chels.”

 

His wife started crying harder and he pulled her into his arms.  Carefully he laid them back lying his head on top of the arm of the couch.  She curled up into him, holding him tightly still lightly sobbing.  He ran his fingers gently through her hair.  It had been a while since they had lied like this whether she was crying or not.

 

“And you’re right I don’t know what it’s like.” He started to say and Chelsea sat up.

 

“That was stupid of me too say, I know you are hurting just as much as I am.” She told him.  He brushed a chunk of her hair behind her ear. 

 

“But I get why it’s different with you.” He told her.  “And if want to sleep the next year away, than its fine by me.”

 

“Alex I don’t want to sleep the next year away and I know I’ve been sleeping a lot, I’ve just been so tired and so drained.”  She sighed.

 

“Chels can I ask you something?” AJ asked as he sat them both up a little straighter and she looked at him.  “Are you feeling…?” He stopped not sure how he should word it.  “Do you…?”

 

“What?” She asked confused. 

 

“Are you thinking about…you know…?” He spoke again still not sure how to say it.  She shook her head still not understanding.

 

“Just say it Alex.” She told him.

 

“Are you thinking about killing yourself?” He blurted out.

 

“What?” She replied shocked. “No” She said quickly. “No no” Chelsea looked away and AJ stared at her for a moment.  “You thought I was thinking that?”

 

“Yeah” AJ replied with a frown. “You’ve been really out of it Chels.” He told her.  “Plus what you said that night in the Hospital when you first went in.”

 

She looked at him for a moment and he could tell she was thinking back.  With a deep breath she sighed and looked down at her hands.  “I’m sorry”

 

AJ took her by the hands and she looked up at him.  “There’s no need to be sorry sweetheart, I just want to know if you’re okay, like really okay.” He told her.  “I want to help you get through this and I want you to understand none of this is your fault.”

 

“I keep replaying that day in my head, over and over and over, searching trying to find what I did wrong.” She said as she wiped the tear away that fell down her cheek.

 

“And?”

 

“I can’t think of anything” She mumbled.

 

“Because you did nothing wrong.” He told her as he gently rubbed her shoulder.

 

“But that hurts even more” Chelsea said as she looked down.

 

“What does?” AJ asked.

 

“That they couldn’t find anything, it just happened.  For no reason I went into labor and because of it our Son died.” She said as more tears fell.  “I want someone, something to blame, someone to sue, something to get mad at but I have nothing.” AJ noticed she started getting agitated.  “And he just keeps laughing at me.”

 

“Who?” AJ replied as his eyebrows fell in confusion.

 

“Nothing” Chelsea mumbled and she became even more agitated. 

 

He slid his hand down her arm and turned her to look at him.  “Who’s laughing at you Chelsea?” And then like a firework bursting inside of his head, the memory fluttered out like the small glowing balls of light.  The memory of her sitting on the bed, the words she was speaking, and what she yelled at him.  He looked back at her.

 

“Chelsea answer me please.”

 

“My…Dad” She replied slowly.

 

“I’m calling that councilor and making you an appointment for like today.” AJ told her.

 

“Alex I don’t want too…”

 

He interrupted her as he shook his head.  “Nope I’m not hearing it; I’ve been more than lenient on letting you deal with this but that, no, no, no.  You’re talking to someone.” Chelsea was about to answer back to him but the sound of someone thumping down the stairs broke the conversation.   They looked over to the staircase and saw Nadia heading to the kitchen.

 

“Nadia?” AJ said as he looked into the other room.

 

“What?” She replied.

 

“Come here we want to talk to you.” He said as she huffed and headed towards them.

 

“So how long am I grounded for?” She asked as she slumped down on the big couch chair.

 

“You’re not grounded” AJ replied.

 

“Really?” Nadia replied a little shocked and it made AJ smile a little.

 

“Yes, we’ll let this slide this one time.” AJ told her.  “But why did you take off in the first place?”

 

“I woke up to you guys fighting, you guys were screaming at each other, you guys don’t fight like that.” She said as she laid her head on her hand.  She played with the bottom of her shirt.  “Then you left.” Nadia said as she looked at AJ and then she looked at Chelsea.  “And I wasn’t going to stay here while you slept.”

 

“I’m sorry” Chelsea spoke quietly.  “Nadia I really am, I’ve just been stuck in this fog and…”

 

“And you forgot about me” Nadia replied.

 

“No” Chelsea said quietly. 

 

“Why not? You did before.” Nadia snapped back at her.

 

“Nadia” AJ replied a little irked by the attitude.

 

“Can I go have breakfast now?” She asked with a sigh.

 

“No we’re not done talking.” AJ replied back to her and she huffed sitting further into her chair.

 

“Its fine Alex if she wants to go eat she can go eat.” Chelsea said as Nadia stood up.

 

“Sit down!” AJ snapped to his daughter and she looked at him.  “You’re Mother was talking to you.”  Nadia sat back down in the chair and curled up into the position she was sitting in before. He then looked at Chelsea.  “Go ahead.”

 

“Nadia I am really sorry.” Chelsea began to talk again.  “I never meant to ignore you or make you feel like I didn’t love you.”  He noticed his wife was starting to get choked up. “I know the both of you are hurting from this just as much as I am and I promise from this point on I’ll work on getting past this.”

 

“We’ll do it together.” AJ said as he took her hand.

 

“Fine, can I go eat now?” She asked.

 

“Nadia” AJ said as he felt his frustration towards her hit a new high.

 

“It’s fine” Chelsea said as she gently squeezed his hand.  “Go eat.”

 

Nadia mumbled something and AJ was going to ask her what she mumbled but Chelsea stopped him.  He sat back down and looked at her as she shook her head.  “She’s angry just let her cool off.”

 

“She shouldn’t talk back to you like that.” AJ replied.

 

“And I shouldn’t have ignored my Daughter for the past four days.” Chelsea sighed.  “But I did because I was upset and she’s upset too.”

 

AJ looked at her he had started to realize she was making sense, she wasn’t babbling she wasn’t crying and it had been like that since he got back.  Chelsea seemed like she was more aware about what was going on around her.

 

“And how are you doing now?” He asked.

 

“A little better” She replied as she looked at him.  “I guess when your Husband and your Daughter walk out on you it wakes you up.”

 

“I didn’t walk out on you Chelsea, I just…” He took a deep breath.

 

“Needed a drink” She replied.

 

“Yes” He said but then corrected himself. “No…I mean yes I did plan on going when I left but it was more about just getting away, being able to think without Doctors calling, or you crying or Nadia needing something.” He told her.

 

AJ was taken back when she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him against her.  With a small smile he slipped his hands up her back and returned the hug.  “I’m so sorry”

 

He slid his fingers through her hair.  “Its okay Sweetheart, I should have been more understanding…”

 

She pulled away and shook her head.  “No, you were beyond understanding Alex, you were right you’ve done everything.” She told him. “You went by yourself to buy the casket.”

 

“I had Ma and Kev” AJ replied out of habit of protecting her.

 

“Alex” She said and her lips frowned a little.

 

He looked down as his fingers twiddled away. A flurry of emotions ran through him. Her arm slipped past him over his arms and he looked down at it as he felt the side of her head on his shoulder.  He took a deep breath as the emotions whisked away the air in his lungs and gently rested his head against hers.  Each second he was in her arms a piece of the bridge was repaired.  He was confident to know she was not going to freak out or he wasn’t going to upset her anymore than she already was. So he let it out.  Everything he held inside so he could talk to the Doctors, pick out the Casket, make the Funeral arrangements, and take care of Nadia came rushing out. 

 

“I needed you there” AJ sobbed.

 

“I know and I’m so sorry.” Chelsea replied and she held him a little tighter.

 

He knew she was and it wasn’t like she wasn’t there because she was off shopping or chilling at the beach.  With a deep breath he started to calm and started to enjoy just being able to hold his wife without her sobbing.  When he pulled away she reached up and wiped the tears from his cheeks.  He flashed her a light smile as he took her hand and gently kissed the back of it.

 

The couple looked away when the sound of their Daughter’s footsteps broke their stare.  They watched as she walked past them and up the stairs.  AJ looked at Chelsea as she looked at her Daughter with sad eyes.

 

“I’ll go talk to her” AJ said as Chelsea looked at him.

 

He left his wife on the couch and made his way to the second floor.  When he walked up to his Daughter’s room he knocked on the door.  There was no answer but he could hear video game music playing quietly.  Again he knocked on the door and this time got a reply.

 

“What?” Nadia yelled through her door.

 

“Can I come in?” He asked back.

 

“Whatever” Nadia shouted back, he rolled his eyes at the comment.  He hated it when Nick said it and he hated it when she said it. 

 

AJ opened the door and saw Nadia sitting against her bed with a controller in her hand.  “What are you playing?” He asked.

 

“God of War” She replied without looking at him.

 

“Can you pause it?” He asked.

 

With a sigh she pressed a button and stopped the game.  She looked up at him and he could tell she was annoyed.   “Why?”

 

“What’s with the attitude all of a sudden?” AJ asked as he sat down beside her.  “You’re Mom was willing to talk about everything and you just shot her down.”

 

“So” Nadia sigh.

 

“So…look at how she was before we came back, how she’s been the past couple of days and look at how she is now.  She wants to talk, us leaving the way we did scared her and woke her up from the haze she was in.”  AJ told her.  “That’s gotta mean something, that tells me she still cares about us, and that she still loves us.”  Nadia looked at him and then looked away.  “We gotta meet her half way, we gotta let her know that we support her, we want her to get better, and we’ll help her do that.”

 

It took him a little by surprised when she started crying.  He put his arm around her and pulled her in for a hug.  “Nadia?” Chelsea’s voice broke through out the room and they both looked up.  She walked over to them and started to sit down but AJ stopped her.

 

“Sit on the bed.” He told her as he helped her to the bed.  AJ sat down on the bed as he watched Chelsea take Nadia’s hand.

 

“I am truly sorry, I never meant to hurt you and I never meant to ignore you.” Chelsea told her.  “I didn’t want to face reality.” She told her as she brushed her Daughter’s hair over her shoulder.  “I just didn’t want to deal with what was happening.”

 

“And now?” Nadia asked as Chelsea wiped her tears away.

 

“Now I have too.” She told her.  “I forgot that I wasn’t alone in this.” She turned to AJ. “I know I’m not alone in this.” AJ flashed her a light smile.  “Now I’m not saying the crying is going to stop or I’m going to wake up tomorrow and want to go to Disney…”

 

“Oh Disney” AJ said with a squeal to his voice and Nadia smiled Chelsea too.

 

“But I promise that I will do what I have to so we can all move on from this.”  She told them.

 

“But moving on doesn’t mean forgetting.” AJ said to them and Nadia rolled her eyes.  “What?” He asked when he saw his Daughters reaction.

 

“Where’d you get that from a Hallmark Card?” She asked and Chelsea snorted a laugh.

 

“Why you lil…” AJ said as he reached for Nadia but she jumped up out of his way cracking up laughing.

               

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Nineteen

               

                Chelsea looked at herself in the steamy mirror through a small spot where she had wiped the gathered water on the glass away. She really wanted a bath but she wasn’t allowed to have any yet, at least one more week.  Her face was expressionless as her eyes stayed locked on her own but her mind was stuck on one thing; the thought of her baby boy in her arms.

 

“Horrible.” She heard her Fathers voice whisper in her mind.  Her eyes closed and pushed it from her thoughts.  With a deep breath she opened the bathroom door and walked out into her bedroom.  As she walked across the room she looked over to the bed and stopped when she saw her Husband finally sleeping soundly.  She wasn’t lying when she told him she felt better and she wasn’t lying when she told him she wanted to move on.  But everything still hurt, parts of her still felt numb, and then there was her Dad.

 

Walking over to the bed she reached for their giant comforter and pulled it up over him. She remembered back to the moment she had realized she was alone again as she stood in the living room with the cordless in her hand.  AJ was God knows where and not answering his phone.  Nadia had taken off and Chelsea was alone.  That was a feeling she never wanted to have again, leaving that feeling behind was the whole reason she fought so hard for him and now she was the reason it was back.

 

When her Husband mumbled something it snapped her out of the small daydream.  She watched for a moment more to make sure he didn’t wake up and then she left the room.  Making her way down the hall she peaked into Nadia’s room.  A small smile broke from her mouth when she saw her Daughter sleeping against her bed.  Chelsea walked over and shut the TV off and the game system down.  She then turned to Nadia and gently woke her up.

 

“Hun, climb into bed.” Chelsea whispered to her.  Half asleep her Daughter listened and slumped up onto her bed.  When her head hit the pillow she was back out.  She walked out of Nadia’s room and closed the door.  She then made her way downstairs and just as she was heading into the kitchen the door bell rang.

 

“Well…Hi” Kevin said as she opened the door.  His face showed extreme shock.

 

“What’s that look for?” She asked.

 

“Didn’t think it would have been you opening the door.” Kevin said as she stepped back and let him in.  “Where is everyone?” He asked after he looked around the open house.

 

“Sleeping.” She told him.

 

“AJ finally went to sleep?”

 

“You knew he was up?” Chelsea asked.

 

“Yeah I was out early talking to Jerald and figured I’d stop by and he was out back having a smoke.” Kevin said and then his face went expressionless.  “Speaking of smoking.”

 

“Ugh Kevin” Chelsea sighed as she made her way into the kitchen.

 

“Look Chels I know you’re going through a lot and…”

 

“Save it, I haven’t had one since Anne caught me and I don’t plan on having anymore.” She told him.

 

“Yeah, I’m good but I’m not that good darlin’ now I’m gonna sit here all day and make sure…”

 

“Damn it Kevin I don’t need a babysitter!” Chelsea snapped but then she closed her eyes and calmed herself. “Just stop ok?”

 

“So what are you doing up?” He asked.

 

“I was up when Alex came up to bed last night.” She told him.  “I was crying like usual and he tried talking to me.”

 

“I told him to do it when you weren’t upset.” Kevin sighed.

 

“Well when would that have been?” She asked.  “I was crying all the time.”

 

“So what happened?” He asked.

 

“He had just had it with me I guess, we started yelling at each other, he started screaming at me and then the next thing I know, he’s flying out the door.” Chelsea told him.  “Nadia heard it all so when she saw him take off, she took off too.”

 

“Did you find her?” Kevin asked.  Chelsea gave him a ‘duh’ look because obviously she wasn’t freaking out.

 

“She was heading to Kandis’s, Alex picked her up.” Chelsea told him as they both walked into the kitchen.

 

“So is everything cool now?”

 

“I dunno, I guess.” Chelsea sighed as she sat down.  “They’re both here.”

 

“What do you mean by that?” He asked as he sat in the chair across from her.

 

“Nadia hates me.”

 

“Chelsea she doesn’t hate you” Kevin said.

 

“You didn’t see the look she gave me when she got home Kevin.  I tried telling her I was sorry but she wasn’t having it.” Chelsea looked down at the kitchen table.  “She adores Alex though of course it wasn’t Alex’s fault she was taken away by some fat ugly bitch who did God knows what to her.”

 

“Alex told you about the nightmares?” He asked.

 

“Yeah” She replied.

 

“Look she’s going through a lot and yeah you’re right she is closer to Alex than she is with you but you know she loves you.”  Kevin said as he leaned towards her a little.  “You didn’t see her at the Hospital when you first went in and she was there everyday sitting with you.” Chelsea didn’t say anything as she thought about what he said.

 

“But I’m her Mother I’m suppose to protect her.”

 

“And you have” Kevin said supportively.

 

“And where the hell have you been?” Chelsea asked as she stared at him with a stone cold expression.  “I let her get taken away by a complete stranger…”

 

“Chels” Kevin started to say but she ignored him.

 

“And then when we get her back I ripped her away from her Father and dragged her to Kentucky.” Kevin didn’t say anything this time.  “Now I just spent the past four days ignoring her, acting like she didn’t mean anything to me.”

 

“But what about the time you spent together when Alex was on tour, last Christmas your families first Christmas and the gift her and Alex put together for you.” Kevin said as Chelsea’s eyes drifted downward.  “She loves you Chels but it’s just a really bad intense time for the three of you, she’s just hu…”

 

“Hurting, I know” Chelsea sighed. There was a moment of silence and then Chelsea spoke up again.  “You said you talked to Jerald?”

 

“Yeah” Her Brother nodded. “I wanted to know why he was there when Alex’s Dad showed up.”

 

“What did he say?” She asked.

 

“He said he saw him hanging around, he was at the chapel before all of us, and I don’t think his Father knew it was Jerald.” Kevin told her.  “So when he didn’t see him at the chapel he said he hung around to see if he would show up at the burial sight.”

 

“And he did” Chelsea sighed.

 

“Jerald said he told you when you were in the hospital he wanted to start a new.” Kevin said to her and she looked up at him.  “He said he never got a chance to finish the conversation.”

 

“Cause Alex saw him and kicked him out.” Chelsea replied. “But he’s said that all before Kevin.”

 

“When he flew in for the funeral he went right to my house but I wasn’t there.” Kevin told her.

 

Chelsea’s eyebrows frowned in confusion.  “Where were you?”

 

“I was with Alex and Denise” Kevin said and Chelsea didn’t need him to say anymore.  “Mom was there with Kris and she told him how you had been.  Sleeping all the time and just kind of going through the motions. She then told him that if he started anything with Alex he better be ready for a war…” That comment made her smile inside.  It was something the Boys Father always said when they were about to get into trouble.  “…because Alex was under so much stress.”

 

“Well he snapped just not on Jerald.” Chelsea sighed.

 

“When he took off last night did he?”

 

Chelsea looked at him.  “Go to a bar?”

 

Kevin nodded.

 

“No” She replied.  “I’m not much of a source but as far as I know he hasn’t touched a drop.”

 

“He said this morning the reason why he was up all night was because he was hurtin’ pretty bad, so he was up playing Wii and other shit to try and get his mind off it.”  Kevin told her. “I have to say I’m a little surprised he hasn’t pounded some back by now.  Relieved and proud but still shocked.”

 

“How do I make this up to him?” Chelsea asked as she stared at her reflection in the glass table.

 

“By getting better” Kevin said to her and she looked at him.  “That’s all he wants, is for you to get better, to smile and laugh again.” 

 

“I want to go to Kentucky” Chelsea said as got up from the table.

 

“Well why don’t you? The three of you, you can use my place.” Kevin told her.

 

“I dunno, Alex made me an appointment today to talk to that councilor again and who knows how many times he’s going to want to see me.” Chelsea said as she grabbed the juice from the fridge. “Besides Nadia has school and she’s missed a lot as it is.”

 

She sat back down at the table and stared at her Orange Juice.  “Well don’t you look fabulous.” Kevin said and it broke her from her daze, she looked up.  Kevin wasn’t looking at her but behind her. She turned around and saw AJ standing there staring at them, in his PJ’s and his hair looked like…

 

“I told you not to use D’s Flowbee?” Kevin said with a smile.

 

“Fuck off Richardson” AJ mumbled.

 

“What are you doing up?” Chelsea asked. 

 

“Can’t sleep” He replied as he walked over to the coffee maker and began brewing some coffee.

 

“Well I’m gonna go and take Kris, Mom and Mason out for Brunch, what time is your appointment?” He asked as he stood up.

 

“One” She told him.

 

“Okay well we’ll probably stop by later.” Kevin said as he leaned in and hugged her.  “Love ya kiddo”

 

“Love you too” Chelsea replied with small smirk at the kiddo comment.

 

“It’s ok I’ll let myself out” Kevin shouted as he walked up to the door.

 

“Turn the little knobby thing and pull towards you.” AJ shouted back.

 

“Ass!” Kevin shouted.

 

“Douche!” AJ shouted as the door closed.

 

Chelsea looked back to AJ as he sat down at the table.  “Why don’t you go back to bed we still got a couple of hours.” She told him.

 

“I’m good” He replied with a yawn. 

 

“Alex you only had a couple of hours.” She said as she reached for his hand.

 

“I’ve done more on less; I’m fine, just need to get some coffee in me.” He said as he looked back to the coffee maker.  “So what did Kev want?”

 

“Just to stop by and check up” Chelsea told him.

 

The couple sat at the table quietly but Chelsea was lost in a far stare.  Her mind went back to her sitting in the wheel chair with her baby in her arms.  Remembering how it felt holding their son and she remembered looking at her husband as he knelt in front of her.

 

“Oh do you want to hold him?” She asked.

 

“No its ok this is your time.” He replied as he put his hand on her leg.

 

“Are you sure?” She asked.

 

AJ lightly laughed. “Yes sweetheart.”

 

The features on her face fell with sadness.  She looked away as a feeling of guilt came over her.  Her eyes started to water and she reached up and quickly brushed them away before he saw but it was too late.

 

“Sweetheart are you ok?” He asked and her eyes darted to his hand as it slid across the table.

 

She nodded quickly and sniffed.  “I’m fine”

 

“Chels” AJ said as he took her hand.

 

“You never got to hold him” She said.  He didn’t say anything but he squeezed her hand.  After a moment he pulled his hand away and grabbed his mug.  She watched as he brought the cup to his lips and took a gulp of coffee.  “Alex I’m so sorry.” He looked up at her over his mug.  “I’ve spent the past four days wallowing in my own sorrow and…” She paused so she could fight back the tears.

 

“Chels” AJ spoke as he put down his mug. 

 

“You had every right to be mad at me.” She said as he sat back in his chair.

 

“I wasn’t mad at you sweetheart I was just frustrated and tired and got mad.” He told her.  “I could never be mad at you for what happened.  Our Son died, you just weren’t ready to deal and I get that.”

 

She looked down at her empty glass of Orange Juice.  His words were comforting but they made little difference in the way she felt.  Grabbing her glass she stood up and walked over to the sink.  She placed the glass under the tap, turned the knob, let the water fill the cup and then she set it down in the sink.  She was about to turn around when two arms wrapped around the front of her and she was gently pulled against her husband.  Her eyes closed as she rested her head on his shoulder and he gently kissed her cheek.

 

“Do you regret not going to the burial?”

 

“No” Chelsea answered firmly.  “I meant what I said; I didn’t want to see that.”

 

“Yeah but wouldn’t it have helped with closure?” He asked

 

Chelsea shook her head.  “I didn’t need to go to the burial to tell me it’s over or to say goodbye.  I knew that and did that the minute I saw that tiny coffin…” She took a deep breath.  “The only thing I regret over the past four days is not being there for you and Nadia.”  She then turned around in his arms and locked her eyes on his.  “But I promise I’m here now.”  A light smile broke from his lips and he pulled Chelsea into his arms.  She slid her hands up his back and rested her forehead against his neck.

 

“I love you sweetheart” She heard him whisper as his fingers drifted down her hair.

 

“I love you too Alex” She replied squeezing him tighter.

 

The couple was broken apart by the sound of their Daughter yelling upstairs.   They looked at each other for a moment.  “Go go, I’ll be up there.” Chelsea told AJ pushing him towards the door.  He took off upstairs and she followed but not as fast as he was going.

 

“Don’t touch me!” She heard Nadia shout.

 

Her husband replied.  “Nadia hun it’s me.”

 

As she reached the top of the stairs she could only hear her Daughter sobbing.  When she reached the door she saw AJ holding Nadia as they sat on the floor.  She walked towards them and slowly sat down.  When Alex went to protest she waved him off.

 

“What happened?” She asked.

 

He shook his head and she frowned.  “Nadia?” She spoke as she placed her hand on her Daughters back.  Their Daughter said nothing but continued to sob.  “Nadia talk to us.”

 

AJ slowly pulled her away and she looked up at him, hair in her face, eyes wet and red.  “Nadia we’ve never pushed you to talk about what happened while you were with Helen, we let you tell us when you wanted too but you’re hiding something darling and you need to tell us.”

 

“What are these nightmares about hun?” Chelsea asked.

 

Nadia still didn’t say anything.  “Did Helen hurt you?” AJ asked and Chelsea could hear the anger in his voice. 

 

“Not Helen” Nadia whispered and both Chelsea and AJ looked at each other.

 

“Who?” AJ asked when he looked back at her.

 

“One night Helen was working the late shift and I was in my room watch some TV show.”  Nadia told them.  “One night one of her boyfriends showed up drunk looking for her…” She paused and Chelsea had the sudden need to run away.  “I shouldn’t have opened the door; I should have just stayed in my room like I was suppose too.  He was so mad she wasn’t there and he started throwing things and...” She cried. “He started hitting me and then he locked me in the closet.”

 

Chelsea sat there stunned as her Husband pulled their Daughter back into his arms as she started sobbing again.  They didn’t need to hear anymore they could piece together what happened. When she felt her Husbands hand on her shoulder she looked up.

 

“Take her I’m calling Detective Wilkos.” AJ told her and Chelsea nodded.

 

She was a little surprise to see her Daughter held her as tightly as she did AJ.  She watched as he stood up and walked down the hall.  When she heard him walking down the stairs she knew he was going into his office.  A lot of anger flowed through her body but it didn’t affect how she held her Daughter. 

 

“Nadia?” Chelsea spoke calmly.   Her Daughter didn’t say anything but she continued. “What happened after he locked you in the closet?”

 

“I just stayed there” Nadia whimpered. 

 

“For how long?” She asked.

 

“Till Helen got home and found out what happened.”  Her Daughter told her.

 

“Did she call the Police?”

 

“No” Nadia whispered.

 

“So what happened?” She asked and Nadia pulled away a little.

 

With a shrug she answered.  “Cleaned me up with her nursing stuff, kept me home with a fake Doctors note and that was it.”

 

“When did this happen?” Chelsea asked.

 

“Couple of months before those FBI people showed up.” Nadia told her.

 

There was a silence in the room as the Mother and Daughter sat on the floor.  Chelsea thought about getting up but then she realized she needed AJ to help her up.  She looked over at Nadia as she sat in front of her twiddling her fingers. 

 

“I am sorry about the last few days” Chelsea said and Nadia looked up at her.

 

“Its ok” She shrugged.  “Dad’s right, you’re his Mom so…”

 

“But I’m your Mom too” Chelsea said as she took Nadia’s hand.

 

AJ walked into the room and they both looked up at him as he sat beside them.  “I talked to Wilkos he’s sending someone from the LAPD to come down and take a statement.  Then he’s going to talk to the DA here and see if there is any legal action that can be done.”

 

“Nadia is there anything else we should know?” Chelsea asked.

 

Nadia was silent as she looked down at her hand.  “Hun?” AJ said as he placed his hand on her shoulder.  Chelsea frowned when her Daughter started crying and AJ pulled her into his arms.  Her Husband looked at her and she knew the light smile he showed was for comfort but it didn’t help.   Why didn’t she fight harder, why didn’t she scream louder.

 

“Horrible” Her Fathers voice echoed in her mind.

 

 

 

 

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Twenty

                AJ stood at the back sliding doors in the kitchen as he watched Chelsea.  She was sitting on the patio chair smoking.  He frowned when she lowered her head and slid her fingers through her hair; something had her very agitated and she had been this way since Nadia woke up screaming.  She scrunched up her hair, lowered head a little more and then let go as she went for another drag.  He sighed as he watched her lips move for a couple of seconds.  When he heard footsteps behind him he turned around.

 

“Hey darling, how are you doing?” He asked when he saw Nadia.

 

“Fine” She mumbled as she sat down.

 

He walked over to the table and sat down across from her, when he did she looked over at the window.  The officer came and took her statement.  She told him about what happened with Helens boyfriend and then she told him about what happened with Helen herself.  Being left alone for days on end, having to find food for herself, waking up for school to find strange men in the house, and the endless verbal abuse.  No wonder she felt safer with them, was happier with them, and no wonder she let it all happen.  She wanted out of there whether they were her parents or not.

 

“She’s smoking again huh?” Nadia asked as she looked back to him.

 

“Yeah” AJ replied as his eyes darted to the door.

 

“I’m sorry she missed her appointment.” She said.

 

AJ reached across the table and touched her hand.  “Don’t be, you’re more important to us right now.”

 

“Is Mom ok?” She asked him.

 

“Yeah, yeah she’s fine” AJ told her.

 

“You don’t lie very well.” Nadia replied in a mumble loud enough so AJ could hear.

 

“No, no I don’t” He sighed remembering all the times he got in trouble because of that fact. None of which he will tell his daughter about.  “She’s fine hun really, she’s a little upset about what you told us today and she’s just outside getting some air.” He told her hoping he sounded more truthful.

 

“Do you care if I go chill in my room?” Nadia asked.

 

“Yeah go ahead” AJ replied with a nod.

 

AJ watched as his Daughter left the room, he listened as she walked up the stairs and when her bedroom door closed he looked out the back window.  He strummed his fingers along the table and then stood up from his chair.  He walked over to his back patio doors and opened it.  Chelsea looked up as the doors whooshed open; she started wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her sweater, and sat back in the chair.

 

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cigarettes.  “I’m missing one” He said without even looking. 

 

Chelsea’s head was low and it didn’t move as only her eyes darted up to look at him and then she looked away, looking back down to the pavement.   He sat down on the chair beside her as he dropped his pack of smokes on the table and lit one up for himself. 

 

“Where’s Nadia?” Chelsea asked quietly.

 

“In her room” AJ replied as he blew out the smoke from his lungs.  “So if you wanna talk…”

 

“About what?” Chelsea mumbled. “About how horrible of a Mother I am.”

 

“Chels” AJ sighed

 

“It’s all my fault she went through all of that.” Chelsea said as she started to cry again.

 

“If it’s your fault than it’s my fault too.” AJ told her and she looked at him with a little bit of shock.

 

“You didn’t even know she existed.” Chelsea told him.

 

“And you were being held captive by your Father, you couldn’t even leave the mattress you slept on let alone chase after her.” AJ said and then he took another drag.  “I don’t know what I can do to make you see none of this, what happened to Nadia, what happen to Logan is not your fault.”

 

“You can’t” Chelsea replied.  “You weren’t suppose to be the one protecting them, you weren’t the one that failed them.”

 

“So what…” AJ replied.  “What am I suppose to do, let you mope around here, smoking all my cigarettes…”

 

“I’ll get my fucking own if they mean that much too you!” Chelsea snapped at him as she jumped up from her chair and sent it toppling over.  For a second he saw pain etch across her eyes and then they flared up with anger.

 

“Chelsea” AJ said stunned.

 

“There’s nothing you can do ok?” She yelled as her finger jetted out in front of her pointing at him.  He sat there frozen he had never seen her this mad especially at him. “You think you or some Doctor can ask me questions that I haven’t already asked myself?!  You want me to deal so let me fucking deal and stop hounding me!”

 

“Chelsea May Stanley!” Someone’s voice bellowed out from behind them.  Chelsea spun around and AJ quickly leaned over his eyes darting right to the back doors.  There standing outside of them was Kevin, Kristin, Mason, and Anne, and it was Anne that busted out the full name.  His eyes went back to Chelsea her breathing was heavy, she was lightly shaking and she stared at the woman.  “Get into this Kitchen now” He heard Anne say and as she said the words Chelsea turned to look at him.  Her eyes were filled to the lids with tears that hadn’t fallen yet but they showed anger and rage and it burned him like a branding iron.  As she turned the tears fell and she walked across the patio.  She said nothing to Kevin and Kristin as she walked past them and she said nothing to Anne as she walked past her.  Kevin’s Mom followed her inside and closed the patio door.

 

His eyes finally broke from her but only because he couldn’t see her anymore.  The sun reflecting made it hard to see through the glass.  He sat there in awe at what had just happened.  Never had he seen her that mad but that mad at him? 

 

“What the hell was that about?” Kevin asked.

 

AJ just shook his head; he still needed a minute to absorb what had just happened.  Everything replayed back in his mind, her jumping up from the chair, the screaming, the anger and he put his head in his hands.  He rubbed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair.

 

“Alex?” Kevin said.  AJ sighed as he sat back grabbing a smoke from his pack.

 

“We found out why Nadia’s been having the nightmares.” AJ told him and then it hit him.  “I think….Chelsea needs help Kevin.” He said as he looked at Kevin with tears in his eyes.  “I can’t help her through this.”

 

“What did Nadia tell you?” Kevin asked and with a deep breath and a wipe of his eyes AJ told him.  Telling him everything that had happened in the kitchen, Nadia waking up screaming, what she told them, and then what she told the Officer. 

 

“She’s still talking to herself which I could only assume means she’s still hearing her Dad.”  AJ said as he put out his cigarette.  “And she’s still smoking, not by my permission, she’s stealing them outta my packs.”  He then sat up in his chair and took a deep breath.  “Our Daughter needs at least one of us there right now, Chelsea doesn’t want me around, and she doesn’t want me helping her with this…”

 

“Alex she’s upset…” Kevin spoke up but AJ put up his hand.

 

“You didn’t see her eyes Kevin; I know that woman and I have never seen her like that.” AJ said as he started to get choked up.  “Something is seriously wrong; this is more than being upset.  When Chelsea wants to be left alone?  Alone Kevin”

 

“Yeah” Kevin nodded and AJ could tell by the look on his face he understood.

 

“I’m going to go take Nadia out somewhere, when you guys wanna head out just give me a call, I’ll start heading home.” AJ told him as he stood up.

 

Holding his smokes and lighter in one hand he reached for the door with the other and opened it.  When he walked into the kitchen he saw Anne, Kristin, and Chelsea all sitting at the table.  Chelsea was still very agitated and she didn’t look at him as he stood in the kitchen.

 

“Where’s Mason?” Kevin asked after he closed the door.

 

“In the living room watch TV” Kristin replied and then her eyes went to AJ.

 

“I’m going to go take Nadia out somewhere for a couple of hours.” He said as he looked away from Kristin’s sad eyes to Chelsea.  When she didn’t say anything he pushed back the anger trying desperately not to be angry at her over this.  He walked out of the kitchen and into the living room; Mason paid no attention his eyes locked firmly on the TV show he was watching.  AJ walked upstairs and over to Nadia’s bedroom door.  He knocked on it and waited, after a moment it opened.

 

“Hey” She said as she looked up at him.

 

“Wanna go out for a bit? Grab a bagel or something?” He asked.

 

“We don’t have to, I’m ok really.” Nadia told him.

 

“I want to; you know spend some time with my Daughter.”  AJ said in a joking tone.

 

She lightly smiled.  “Let me shut this off then.”

 

“Sweet I’ll meet ya down stairs.” AJ told her.

 

“Is Mom coming?” She asked as he went to turn away.

 

“Ah…” He froze wondering what to say. Although he was glad she obviously hadn’t heard the fighting.  “No, Kev, Kris, and Anne are here so she’s going to stay with them.”

 

“Is Mason here?” She asked.

 

“Yup” AJ nodded.

 

“Cool” She said as she turned around, he sighed to himself in relief she wasn’t going to press for Chelsea to come.

 

He walked downstairs and over to the door, grabbing his hoody, he put it on and grabbed his keys from the hook.  As he zipped up the sweater just a little bit, Nadia came skipping down the stairs.  She then turned to him as she reached the bottom.

 

“Just gonna go say bye to Mom” Nadia said and AJ almost stopped her but he couldn’t think of anything to say.  He held his breath as she went into the kitchen and listened intently to the conversation.

 

“Do you want anything?” He heard Nadia ask.

 

“No” Chelsea replied, even from the door he could hear the coldness in her voice and his anger meter went up a notch.

 

“Are you sure, Onion Bagel, with Herb and Garlic?”

 

“I said I’m fine Nadia” Chelsea spoke again.

 

“I’ll take a Frap” Kevin spoke up.

 

“Me too” Kristin replied and AJ sighed.

 

“Oh-okay” Nadia said.  “I’ll let Dad know see you guys later.” A moment later she came out of the kitchen.  “Kevin wants a Frap…”

 

“I know I heard” AJ said trying to push down the anger.  He opened the door for her and they both walked outside and headed to the car.

 

“So where did ya wanna go?” AJ asked.

 

“Don’t care” Nadia replied as she stared out the front window.

 

“Well let’s go take a walk down Robertson Boulevard and get something to drink, maybe do a little shopping.” AJ said with a light smile.

 

“I know Kev and everyone was there but I wish Mom came with us.” Nadia said as she looked at him.  “I guess I upset her huh?”

 

“You didn’t upset her; she’s just upset over the whole thing.” AJ told her as he stopped at a red light.  When the light turned green AJ pressed on the gas and the car started to move.  “Is that why you didn’t say anything?” AJ asked as he started to come to a realization as he spoke. Nadia looked at him confused.  “Because you didn’t want to upset your Mom?”

 

Nadia lightly shrugged.  “One of the first things she told me was about how sorry she was she couldn’t protect me; she was in the hospital and everything.” Nadia shrugged again.  “I didn’t know if you guys were really my parents besides what I felt...”

 

“What you felt?” AJ asked.

 

“When I saw Mom for the first time, I dunno it’s hard to explain what I felt but it was something.” She told him.  “And when ever you hugged me.”

 

“Really?” AJ asked a little surprised but it gave him a good feeling. 

 

Nadia nodded.  “It just felt like what a Dad’s hug would feel like.” She told him and he smiled almost got teary eyed. “And then we got the tests back and you really were my parents and I thought about what she said and how sad she was so, I didn’t say anything.”

 

 

AJ pulled into the bagel shop they went into when Cheslea first went into the hospital.  He parked the car and looked at her.

 

“But then Mom had Logan and for a second I thought I was going to lose her cause I didn’t know what was going on.” Nadia told him.  “I started thinking more about how things use to be and how they are now and I was worried it would end.” His Daughter took a deep breath.  “And then Logan died, Mom stopped talking, stopped eating and just stopped; now you guys are fighting…” She paused and then looked at him.

 

He knew at that moment he was wrong and she had heard them fighting.  “When you’re Mom remembered you she blamed herself for forgetting, for letting Helen and her Dad take you away from her. But it was never anything major.  She understood there was nothing she could have done.”  He looked out the front window.  “And remember I told you how she was blaming herself for what happened to Logan.”

 

“But they said they couldn’t find any reason.” Nadia told him.

 

AJ nodded.  “And to most people that would be good, that there was nothing wrong with them but your Mom took it as then it must have been her. Something she had done, or ate, or who knows.”

 

“Is that why she just shut off when Logan died?” She asked and AJ nodded.

 

“Sometimes when people are really upset they find a way to not deal with it.” AJ told her.

 

“Like you and drinking?” She asked.

 

“Yeah” AJ nodded.  “With your Mom it was sleeping and she was getting better.”

 

“Until I told her about my nightmares.” Nadia told him.  “Because now she feels like an epic failure.”

 

AJ couldn’t help but show a small smile.  “Yeah.”

 

“Are you and Mom going to break up?” Nadia asked after a moment of silence.

 

“No” AJ replied quickly and with confidence.  “No darling we’re not going to break up.”  He told her.  “Look at our family like a house, ok?” He told her.  “When Logan died, it was like an Earthquake and it shook the house.  There’s some damage and we need to fix it, it’s a lot of damage so it might take a while.”

 

“But what happens if it can’t be fixed?” She asked as she turned in her seat towards him.  “What happens if that Earthquake put a huge crack in the foundation and the house has to be torn down?” 

 

Damn how did she get to be so damn smart?  “Chelsea” He sighed to himself and he didn’t know how to answer her but he knew he had too.  “Then we’ll fix the foundation and rebuild.”

 

“But it won’t be the same house.” She said.

 

AJ lightly shook his head with a sigh.  “You’re to damn smart for fourteen.” 

 

“Whatever is going on with Mom I can deal.  Not knowing what is going on but knowing there is something wrong that doesn’t work with me.” She told him.  “I don’t like not knowing especially with you guys because…” She paused.  “That was with Helen, not knowing if she’d come home in a mood, if she’d come home at all.  Who was going to be there after school when I got up?”  AJ slowly nodded understanding what she was saying too him.

 

“Let’s go grab something to eat and we’ll talk.” AJ told her and she nodded as she sat back in her seat.

 

 

 

 

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Twenty-One

               

February 14th 2010

                Chelsea is going down hill and she’s going fast.  The only one she’ll talk to is Nadia and even that borders on heartless, I’m trying not to get mad at her but fuck it’s so hard.  Sometimes I wanna slap her up side the head and be like wake the fuck up.  Other times I wanna just grab her in a big hug and hold her and tell her everything’s ok…I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I talked to Kevin when Nadia and I got back from our outing and he said she basically took the lecture Anne gave her and then went upstairs.  She was still up there when we got home. I took her to the councilor and nothing; she refused to talk to him.  I told him about her hearing her Father, talking to herself, her mood swings and he said right now they couldn’t do anything if she wasn’t willing to talk but if she became a danger to herself or others, than they could admit her.  My poor Chelsea, I’ve only ever seen her this broken once and that was when she was in Mexico, so I can only imagine what kind of pain she is in.  I try to remind myself it’s only been about a week since he died but with everything going on it feels like years.  It’s like she’s falling and slipping out of my grip…I dunno…I just don’t know...Right now Nadia is at Kandis’s house, the girls don’t have school tomorrow some teacher workshop.  I’m glad; she hasn’t really been out of the house since Logan died so I’m hoping some girl time with Kandis will help.  One less thing I have to worry about.

 

                AJ lightly tapped the back of his pen against the pages of his journal as he thought about what to write next.  His head tilted a little when he heard the echo’s of his wife shouting upstairs. A loud thump shook the ceiling above him and he looked up.  It wasn’t directly above him that was Nadia’s room.  The sound of glass breaking and things falling onto the floor sent out a muffled thunderous crash from above.  AJ threw down his pencil as he jumped up from his desk.  He heard the sound of glass smashing, Chelsea screaming with thumping foots steps and then more glass shattering.  Then directly after that a loud bang that sounded like something slamming of the wall in their room. He bolted out of the door and skipped up the stairs as he heard his wife screaming for him to help her. 

 

AJ erupted through the door and stopped dead in his tracks.  He didn’t even have time to see the trashed room, the broken mirror across from their bedroom floor, her shattered vanity mirror and all the debris on the floor.  No, all he saw was Chelsea on her knees, her arms held out in front of her as blood dripped down from the numerous gashes and cuts on her arm.

 

“Chel…” AJ couldn’t speak his throat was dry with a lump the size of a boulder in it.

 

“Alex help” She said when she realized he was in the room.  He hurried into the bathroom and grabbed a couple of their towels and rushed back to her.  When he went to wrap the towel around her arm, he saw that some of the wounds had glass in them.

 

“Jesus Christ Chelsea what did you do?” He asked as he looked at her.  Dropping the towels under her arms as she started to sob again he reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the cordless phone.  With his shaking finger pointing at the shaking phone he dialed 9-1-1.

 

“I just wanted him to stop to just leave me alone.” She cried.

 

When the operator came on the line AJ frantically gave her the information she needed to know.  Keeping her arms elevated and keeping her calm were the most important things. Her face was getting pale, she was shaking and sweating. AJ could barely listen to what the operator was telling him as his mind race with worry and fright.

 

 He could hear the sirens off in the distance through the open bedroom window.  Quickly he thought about the front door, was it unlocked?  Yes, yes it was unlocked.  He heard the front door open and shouted that they were upstairs.  His mind flashed back to the night in the bathroom when she fell and hit her head. 

 

The medics came thundering up the stairs and when the reached their bedroom AJ was moved out of the way.  His eyes broke from her for a second but it was long enough to take his attention from her to their room.  It was trashed.  Her vanity mirror was shattered, the objects on top scattered through out the room.  With pieces of glass strewed among the objects his eyes drifted over to another pile of glass only this collection of glass was from the long mirror across from their bed.

 

“Sir?” A man said and AJ looked at him.  “We have to take her to the ER we can’t remove the all the glass in her arms here.”

 

AJ nodded as the man turned around.  He looked down at his wife as the other medics helped her stand up.  They still held the towels under her arms as they walked her out of the room. He looked down at the cordless phone still in his hand and then put it to his ear.  The line was dead so he hung up.  Dropping the receiver onto his bed he walked out of the room and down the hall.  When he reached the stairs the medics had Chelsea half way down.

 

“Do you know what happened?” The last medic at the top of the stairs asked.

 

“No” AJ replied shaking his head.  He was still shocked and jolted by what had just taken place.  “I was in my office downstairs, she started yelling and then I heard banging and glass breaking.  When I got to the room she was on the floor bleeding.”

 

“She’s not telling us anything” The Medic told him.  “Her arms and hands are pretty bad but she missed the arteries.”

 

AJ swallowed hard as his chest tightened and his heart stopped for a few beats. “She’s… We… Our Son died only a couple weeks ago, she’s been having a very hard time dealing with it.  I’ve taken her to see Councilor Entra at Cedar Sinai.”

 

“Okay good because that’s where she’s going.” He told AJ as they walked down the stairs.

 

AJ followed the men and Chelsea outside.  He locked up his house and followed them to the ambulance.  They let him ride in the back with her but he wasn’t much support, seeing as he couldn’t hold her hand.  Nervously his foot shook on its toes as his arms rested on his legs.

 

When they got to the Hospital AJ was told the usual response about waiting outside until a Doctor came a got him. 

 

“Cigarette” AJ mumbled as the nurse walked away.  He reached into his pocket as he started walking towards the large sliding doors but there was nothing there.  Checking his other pockets he let out a sigh, they were sitting on his desk back home.  Then he realized he had also left his cell phone there, sitting right beside his smokes.

 

He walked down the hall a little bit and dropped a quarter into the phone.  He dialed Kevin’s number and waited as the phone on the other end rang.  He knew Kevin would most likely screen the call since the number was most unknown.  When the answering machine picked up he looked up at the ceiling. 

 

“Dude its Alex are ya there?” He spoke trying to stay calm.

 

The phone clicked as someone picked up.  “Hey man where are you?” Kevin asked.

 

“I’m at Sinai” AJ told him.

 

“What happened to Chelsea?” Kevin asked his voice dropped to a somber tone.

 

“I don’t even really know, I heard shouting, smashing glass, banging, thumping, I go running upstairs and she’s on the floor bleeding…”

 

“What!?” Kevin shouted into the phone.

 

“Our room is trashed, everything is everywhere, glass everywhere, she smashed the fuck outta the mirror and her vanity mirror.”

 

“Jesus Alex” Kevin replied a little breathless.

 

“Yeah, yeah so, so I’m like fucking freaking here” AJ said as he started to shake.  “What the fuck am I suppose to do huh? I can’t do this anymore…” He spoke as he started to cry.  “How do I tell Nadia about this?”

 

“Where is Nadia?” Kevin asked.

 

“At Kandis’s” AJ replied as he sniffed and wiped his eyes.  “Thank fucking God.”

 

“Yeah no shit man.” Kevin agreed.  “Do you want me to come down?” He asked.

 

“I-I don’t know, I don’t know if she’ll be let out, or if they’re going to keep her, I’ll call you back when I know more.”

 

“Are you sure? I can just come and sit with you.” Kevin said as AJ sighed.

 

“Fine, sure” AJ replied.

 

“Where’s your cell anyways?” He asked.

 

“Forgot it at home” AJ replied.  “I need to sit I’m gonna let you go.”

 

“Okay I’ll see you in a bit.” Kevin told him.

 

“Yeah sure” AJ replied and then hung up the phone.

 

AJ walked over to the chair he was sitting in before which by his luck was still empty.  He sat down with an exhausted sigh and laid his head back against the wall.  AJ sat waiting running what happened back at the house over and over in his head.  He knew he was right when he told Kevin this was it.  He wasn’t going to sit around and watch her destroy herself if she didn’t want any help.  His mind drifted back to the past week.  The mood swings, the bickering, and the out right fighting.  The look on Nadia’s face after a fight, after a bickering match, or any time her Mom would snap at her.

 

“Mclean?” A woman said and AJ quickly sat up.

 

“Yes” AJ replied to the woman as he stood up.

 

“Follow me please” She said as she turned towards a door.

 

AJ followed her and they walked through the emergency room.  Past the small rooms made from curtains, past other nurses, helpers, and Doctors. The farther down the hall he walked the louder Chelsea’s crying became.  There was a man standing outside one of the rooms and when they approached him the Nurse stopped.

 

“This is Mr. Mclean” The Nurse told he man that AJ figured was a Doctor.

 

“Thank you” The man replied as he closed a metal clip board.  He then turned to AJ.  “I would like to keep her over night for observation and then tomorrow morning I want to send her for a psychiatric evaluation.”

 

“Okay” AJ nodded.

 

“Your wife refuses to talk and she refuses to stay so I will need your signature to admit her.” The Doctor told him and AJ nodded.

 

“Whatever it takes to get her better.” AJ replied.

 

The Doctor gave him a light smile as he opened his clipboard and showed him the form he had to sign.  He handed AJ a pen and looked down at the document.  With the light sound of his wife crying behind the curtain beside him, he took a deep breath and signed the form.

 

“We’re still stitching her up and removing the glass from her arms.  After we get her bandaged up we’ll give her something to help her calm down and sleep a little, you can sit with her as long as you would like too.” The tall man told him and AJ nodded.  “If you want to get a Coffee or something go ahead the nurse can let you back in.”

 

“Okay” AJ replied as the Doctor closed his clipboard.

 

As AJ turned around he exhaled and ran his fingers through his hair.  He walked down the hall and out the door he entered from.  Out of habit as he walked out the large sliding doors he reached for his smokes and sighed. He didn’t care if he had them or not, he just wanted to sit and get some air.  His head was spinning and as he sat down he let out a small whimper.  Softly he cried as he sat on the bench outside, the cars whizzed by and the people walked past.  He didn’t care if they saw him and he didn’t care if they stopped to stare.

 

When he had calmed down he wiped his hands and sat back against the bench.  He stared at the ground his mind replaying different moments over the past couple of years and then a memory he hadn’t relived in a very long time came rushing back too him.

 

He sat in front of his Mom’s couch watching TV but his mind wasn’t on the show, it was on one person.  Chelsea.  Johnny called earlier in the day telling him that stuff had been canceled for a couple of days.  Kevin had to leave for a family emergency.  His Mom’s words were.

 

“That girl Chelsea, that’s good friends with Kevin, apparently her Dad was in jail and he escaped so Kevin went out there, I really don’t understand delaying this, it’s not like she’s his sister or anything major.” He remembered.  Reaching over to the end table he grabbed the phone, dialed Chelsea’s number in Kentucky and waited.  His mind race through excuses on why he was calling her as the phone line kept ringing.

 

“Hello?” Her voice said on the other line and he smiled hearing her voice.

 

“Hey Sweetheart are you ok, Johnny called told me about your Dad.” AJ said as he sat up and turned down the volume.  He was glad his Mom or Grandparents weren’t home right now so he could talk to her freely.

 

“I’m scared Alex” Chelsea whispered.  “Mom’s freaking out”

 

“It’ll be ok Chels I’m sure they will find him.” He told her hoping his words would calm her. “It’s the freakin’ FBI”

 

“Can you come out, like maybe visit Kevin or..or…something?” She asked.

 

AJ frowned. “I don’t think I could Chels, my Mom was already asking me a hundred questions from going out there last time.” AJ told her.

 

“I miss you” She sighed.

 

“I miss you too” He replied frowning with her.

 

 “Crap I need to go.”

 

“K, I’ll talk to you soon okay and don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll be fine, you’re Mom will be fine, and we’ll see each other when all this promo stuff is done.”  He told her wishing he could kiss her.

 

“I love you Alex” She whispered.

 

“I love you too Chels” He said back as he closed his eyes and pictured her face.

 

“Bye”

 

“Bye”

 

That memory faded out as another faded in.

 

“No dude you’re doing it wrong it’s like this.” AJ said to Nick as they stood in the middle of the hotel hall way.

 

“Like fuck I’m staying here man, I’m sister has gone missing!”  Kevin shouted as he stormed out of the hotel room, with Johnny behind him.

 

“What!?” Brian shouted from the other side of the hall.

 

“Chelsea’s missing, she wasn’t at the bus drop off.” Kevin said as Brian came running up to him.

 

“Kevin her Dad…” Brian said stunned as AJ’s chest tightened.

 

“And these fucking bastards aren’t letting me go home!” Kevin screamed back towards the two managers. 

 

AJ turned around and walked into his room.  He closed the door, locked it and stood against it as he stared at the window on the other side of the room.  His breathing was heavy and quick as he replayed what had just happened.

 

“No” He whispered as his eyes began to well up with tears.  “She’ll be ok they’ll find her.” He whispered as he closed his eyes.

 

Those two memories brought up the other memory, the one he tried so hard to forget.

 

“What did Johnny want?” AJ asked as he looked over at him Mom from the couch, his heart was racing and he tried to keep himself calm. 

 

“They found Chelsea sweetheart.”

 

“They did” He said with a smile, maybe to big of a smile for a friend.

 

“Alex” She said with a frown as she lightly shook her head.  “The police were called to a cabin fire in the northwest part of Kentucky, there was someone inside.”

 

“Someone?” AJ asked as his chest started to tighten.

 

“It was Chelsea hun…”

 

“What?” AJ replied breathless.  “You means sh-sh-she’s dead?”  He felt an over whelming pain rush through him but he blocked it, all of it. He put up a wall, a gate, whatever he had to do not to breakdown right here in front of his Mom.

 

“I know you and her were friends.”

 

“Yeah….Friends.” AJ thought.

 

“Did you want to go out there for the funeral?” His Mom asked.  If he said no she would wonder why, she would tell him he should go to be there for Kevin and if he fought her on it she would want to know why.  He didn’t want to go; he didn’t want to see her lying in a box.  There would be no smile to warm him up, there would be no hug to keep him safe, and there would be no more happiness without her.  He didn’t want to marry her, not yet anyways, he didn’t want to have kids, he wasn’t that stupid but he wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, to just live and have fun and now…that was never going to happen.

 

“Alex?” His Mother spoke and it broke him from his daze.

 

“Ah, yeah, sure, whatever.” AJ replied with a nod. His Mother gave him a smile and then walked over to the phone.  “I-I’m going for a walk.”

 

“Alright, be back soon supper will be ready.” Denise told him as he walked to the door.

 

AJ walked out of his house and through the complex they lived in.  He walked towards the back and through an open break in the fence.  It brought him out to a small field, he walked across not know where he was going he just walked.  Getting away from the crumbling world as it fell on top of him, he headed into the park on the other side; it was empty most kids in for dinner already.  He climbed up the climbing structure and made his way to the long plastic red tube that stretch from one plat form to another.  Crawling into it he made his to the middling and scrunched himself into a sitting position. Hiding away from everything he let it out, the pain, the sadness, the anger, and sobbed against his knees.

 

“Alex?” Kevin said and AJ looked up startled.  His eyes were soaked with tears and he wiped them quickly.  “What’s going on?”

 

AJ sighed.  “Ugh, they want to keep her over night for observation and then give her a psychiatric evaluation tomorrow morning but she doesn’t want to do that, she’s not talking and wants to go home.” He paused and then looked at Kevin.  “So I signed a form saying I give the Doctors permission to keep her here and do what they have to do.”

 

“Good” Kevin told him. 

 

“I know” AJ replied as he looked away.  “Doesn’t mean she’s not going to be pissed about it.”

 

“She doesn’t know any better right now.  This isn’t like Mexico.”  Kevin told him.

 

“Tell me about it.”  AJ said as he looked up at a cloud rolling by casting a shadow over the falling sun.

 

“Does Nadia know?” His friend asked.

 

“No, I figured I’d wait until I knew what was going on, I don’t want to ruin her fun, and she needs this time.” AJ told him.  “She doesn’t need to see Chelsea like this.”

 

“I stopped by the house and I grabbed this.” Kevin said handing him his phone.

 

“Sweet dude thanks.” AJ sighed in relief.  “Hey you didn’t happen too…”

 

“Grab you’re smokes” Kevin interrupted as he tossed him the pack. 

 

“I fucking love you.” AJ said as he pulled a smoke out and took his lighter from Kevin.

 

               

               

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Twenty-Two

               

                AJ took a long drag from the cigarette and blew out as his body sunk back just a little.  For a moment things were calm and focused and then Kevin spoke.

 

“What happens now?” He asked.

 

“I really don’t know.” AJ replied.  “I guess wait and see what they say tomorrow.”

 

“What if she won’t talk?” Kevin asked.

 

“I dunno” AJ replied with a shrug. “Maybe keep her longer?” He asked. “I hate this I don’t know what to do.  Should I be mad and pissed off she did this to herself, that she let herself get like this or do I love her and comfort her because obviously she’s really sick. She’s hearing her Dad for Christ sakes, it’s probably been the whole reason for all of this.”

 

“It’s driving her crazy?” Kevin asked and AJ looked at him.

 

“Fuck I knew I should have pushed harder but I just wanted to give her space.” AJ replied as he put his head in his hands.  “When she was at home she was so moody and then she would stop talking, she hasn’t said a word to me in three days, three fucking days not a hello how are ya, nothin’ it’s like I’m not even there.  With Nadia she’ll talk but its stern and cold and if Nadia is around her too long she get’s agitated and then gets snippy.” He took a drag from his smoke.  “But when she’s with the Councilor she shuts down completely.  Won’t talk, won’t do anything just stares, she goes but she just sits there and walks like a robot or something.” He said as he blew out the smoke from his lungs.

 

Kevin sighed. 

 

AJ flicked his cigarette ash onto the ground.  “I should have done something when she started pushing to be left alone.” He sat back on the bench and looked at Kevin.  “I just…”

 

“You just didn’t know what to do, who does when their kids dies man.” Kevin told him.  “You guys are living on the fly right now trying to get through this.  I’m seriously proud of the way you have handle this shit, from the moment Chels went in to now.  Seriously man.”

 

There it was it was always Kevin that said it.  Not his Dad, sometimes his Mom but Kevin, when Kevin said it he knew he meant it. This man that came into his life just by pure chance showed more compassion and love than his own Father.  AJ sighed and then took a drag of his cigarette. 

 

“Maybe she’ll talk when we get back in they said they were going to give her something to calm down.” AJ said as Kevin looked over at him.  “Will you come with me, there’s still a chance she’s pissed and I don’t want to get her worked up so, that way you can stay and I’ll leave for a bit.”

 

“Sure man” Kevin nodded as AJ butted out his cigarette in the public ashtray.

 

The two stood up and made their way into the hospital.  “Did you call your Mom?”

 

“No I’d figured I would just wait till I knew more, didn’t want to worry her.” Kevin told him as they walked through the sliding doors.

 

AJ walked up to the nurse sitting at the station.  “AJ Mclean for Chelsea Mclean.”

 

“Okay” The older woman smiled and the opened the door for them.

 

“She’s not in the General ER?” Kevin asked as they walked through the doors.

 

“Nope” AJ replied as he looked at Kevin.

 

The walked down the hall and AJ lead him to the small curtain room that was Chelsea’s. He reached for the curtain but then Kevin spoke up.

 

“I’ll wait out here for a minute, give you guys some time.” Kevin told him and the look on his face made AJ wondered if he needed some time too. 

 

Turning around AJ pulled back the curtain and walked into the little room.  It was only big enough for the bed, the machines, and a chair beside the bed.  He looked over at his wife lying on her side, the blankets wrapped tightly over her all the way up to her shoulder.  Slowly he walked over to the chair, her eyes were closed and he wondered if he should just sit or say something. He tried sitting first but as he sat back her eyes started to flutter open.

 

“Can we go home now?” She asked as he sat forward putting his elbow on the top of his legs, by his knees.  He placed his head in his hands and looked at her at eye level.

 

“No sweetheart.” He told her.

 

“They can’t keep me here.” Chelsea mumbled.

 

“Yes they can” AJ told her calmly and she looked at him tired confusion. “I signed a form saying I gave them permission to keep you here.”

 

“What?” She replied.

 

“Tell me what happened upstairs.” He said as he looked at her.  She looked away and said nothing.  “Damn it Chelsea talk to me please.” His eyes didn’t break from her face even as his eyes filled with tears.  “It’s me sweetheart, why can’t you tell me what’s going on?”  He waited for a response but nothing.  Reaching up he grabbed the blankets and pulled them down a little bit and she looked up at him.  He pointed to her arms wrapped in white bandages from her elbows to her hands on both arms. “Look, look at what you did Chelsea, look at  what you did to yourself, who’s to say next time it won’t be something really fucking stupid.” He told her.  “You need help and you obviously don’t want it from me.”

 

“I don’t want it from anyone” She mumbled.

 

“Really?” AJ asked.  “So you’re just going to let your Dad keep talking to ya huh?” He asked with a snip of frustration.   “Cause if you are let me know, so I can bail.” Her eyes snapped up too him and he could tell she was seeing if she could call his bluff.  “I’m not going to sit around and watch you do this to yourself, I’d rather go back to when you were fucking dead.” He stared at her for a moment.  Maybe it was time some tough love.  Last time it kicked her out of her stooper.  “You can go live with Kevin although I doubt he’d want you around Mason like this.  Cause I sure as hell don’t want you around Nadia.” He sat back in his chair.

 

“I thought you would be there for me, guess I was wrong.” She as she pulled the blanket over her.  “Good to know I can count on my husband.”

 

“Don’t you dare put this on me!” AJ replied as he got a little fired up at her comment.  “I have been there for you and you damn well know it.”  He stopped himself and sighed.  “Chelsea I don’t wanna fight with you.  I just want you to get better, I miss you.”  She didn’t say anything.  AJ waited and waited and she still didn’t say anything.

 

“Alright” He said as he stood up and her eyes drifted to him.  “Nadia’s at Kandis’s, Kevin’s here, so I’m going to go home.  I need some time to myself and think about some things.”  He told her.  “I’ll be back tomorrow and I seriously hope you decide to talk to them so that they can help you, so that I can get my wife back and Nadia can get her Mom back.” AJ said and then he turned and left the curtain room.

 

“What’s up?” Kevin asked.

 

“She’s not saying anything, I’m just gonna go, I need to get my head clear and just figure shit out.” AJ told him.

 

“Alright man” Kevin nodded and AJ walked down the hall.

 

He left the hospital and hailed a cab.  He told the man where to go and sat back for the ride home.  His eyes stared out the window but he paid no attention to the buildings as they past.  He thought about Chelsea, seeing her on her knees in the bedroom holding her arms out, the panic and fright he felt, and just the not knowing what she had done and what was going to happen.  The car jerked a bit and he looked up, they were pulling into his drive way.  With a sigh he reached in and pulled out his wallet.  At least he never took that out of his pocket.  He paid the driver and then got out. 

 

He looked up at his home as the cab pulled away, the memories of before ripped through his mind and he looked down as tears started to drip from his eye.  When he looked back up again he felt like he was in a fog, thoughts clouded his mind, feelings rushed through him as he walked towards the house.  Opening the front door he stepped inside and let the door close behind him.  He dropped everything right there and walked towards the kitchen.  Stopping at the back patio doors he looked outside.  He didn’t look at the chairs they sat in before she blew up, or where she sat as she talked to herself outside.  His eyes focused on the back pool shed.  Opening the door he made his way outside and with his mind still whirling, made his way towards the small aluminum building. 

 

AJ pulled on the sliding door and walked in, his eyes darted around the small area as his mind fought with the other memories to find the one he was looking for.  A quick flash made him look over in the left corner and he made his way over to a bunch of boxes.  He started looking through them but didn’t find what he was looking for.  When he reached the last box he saw a wooden box sitting behind it.

 

“Bingo” He whispered as the memory broke through.  The memory when they were unpacking here, he had found it.  He should have dumped it down the sink but back then things were still uncertain.  Pulling it out he opened the box but to his dismay it wasn’t there.  Instead in its place was a piece of paper.  He reached in and took it between his fingers pulling it out of the box.

 

He pulled the one side open.

 

“I Love You” Was written in Chelsea’s handing writing.

 

He sighed.  She had found it.  A little anger rose in him at the thought of her not trusting him and actually looking but then again, he just stood here and was ready to drink it.  Slowly he slumped down still staring the slim but tall hand writing.  It still hadn’t changed much from when she was sixteen, and he knew it well.  He would find notes in his pocket, in his room, he got mad at her once, worrying his Mom would find them but it was only a couple of more letters after he stopped getting them.

 

Back then it was like his life had stopped, everything around him had stopped the day she died.  When she came back the spark reignited and his life started again and now, now it was like his life was stuck.  He didn’t know where to go, or what to do.  He wanted to be mad at her; she wasn’t the only one suffering from this but the guilt he felt after wards made him sick to his stomach.  He wanted to hold her and tell her it will be ok, there was still life out there and she could move on but she didn’t want to hear it.  AJ started to cry as frustration, anger, guilt, and sadness over whelmed him.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there but when his sobs stopped and he wiped his eyes he had a small feeling of déjà vu.  Slowly he got up with a small groan as the wear and tear of dancing over the years slowly started to catch up with him.  He closed up the shed and left the backyard.  He walked to the front door and picked up his things.  Staring at the door he wondered about leaving, taking the car and just driving, where he ended up he didn’t care, and if it was at a bar…then who could blame him.  If Chelsea was allowed to slice open her arms because she was so upset, a few fucking drinks wouldn’t hurt.

 

With a grit of his teeth he pushed the thought from his head.  Maybe Chelsea wouldn’t have a right to say anything but Nadia would and he wasn’t going to do that to her.  He locked the door and shut out the lights; he headed upstairs and headed to the guest room.  Not wanting to see the mess that was left behind in his room, he dropped onto the smaller guest bed and closed his eyes.

 

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Twenty-Three

               

                Chelsea lied on her side, her blankets wrapped around her as she stared at the wall.  She knew she had been up all night, the sun was starting to turn the sky a lighter blue, her room was lighter and she was glad for it.  All night she heard him laughing and taunting her.  Calling her stupid, pathetic, and horrible and it made her mad she couldn’t just push him away.  It made her mad that AJ expected her too.  She heard people talking outside her door and her eyes darted to see.  She wondered who was going to come in.   A nurse, maybe the Doctor telling her it was time for the test.  Her eyes frowned in anger as she thought about AJ walking through the door.  He was the reason she was still here, stuck in this room with her Father all night.  And now he wanted her to talk but she didn’t wan to talk, she just wanted to be left alone, by them, by him and her Father.

 

                When the door opened she held her breath and exhaled when someone walked in she wasn’t expecting.   She sat up as they closed the door and turned to her.

 

“Nadia? What are you doing here?” She asked as she went to pull her hands from the blankets but decided against it.

 

“I called Dad this morning to see how you were, he told me what happened.” She said quietly as she stood at the door.  “He came and got me before he came here.”

 

“You don’t need to be here.” She said a little angry at AJ for bringing her here.

 

“Why?” Nadia replied as she stood by the door and Chelsea looked at her a little confused.  “You’re my Mom and you’re sick.”

 

“I’m not sick.” Chelsea replied with a slight roll of her eyes.

 

“Really” Her Daughter replied and the tone took her by surprise.   Nadia walked over to her bed and pulled down her covers, they both looked at her arms.  “Looks sick to me.”  Chelsea looked up at her Daughter.  Trying to explain but how could she.  “I may be fourteen almost fifteen but I know enough to know that that…” She paused and looked at her Mothers arms again. “Is not a good thing.”

 

“Nadia I…”

 

“I don’t blame you for what happened.” Nadia said and Chelsea looked up at her.  “They took me from you, she kept me hidden.”

 

“But I forgot…” Chelsea mumbled as she looked away.

 

“Because you couldn’t deal.” She told her.  “And when you were able to you remembered, you searched for me and you found me.”

 

Chelsea sighed as she closed her eyes.

 

“And stop blaming yourself for Logan too.” Nadia spoke up.

 

“Nadia” Chelsea replied not wanting to go there.

 

“I miss him too.” Her Daughter told her.  “But he’s gone and we can’t bring him back.

 

“Nadia.” Chelsea said as she started to feel herself getting upset again. “Please” Even her, why couldn’t people just drop it and leave her alone.

 

“It doesn’t make you a bad Mom…”

 

“I don’t want to talk to you about this?” Chelsea said sternly.

 

“Then talk to somebody.” Nadia told her.

 

“Nadia” AJ said from the door and both girls looked at him.  All he did was look at her and with a huff she got up from the chair and walked outside with the others.  He took a step in and let the door close behind him.  Chelsea looked away from him and folded her arms under her blankets.

 

“How did you sleep?” AJ asked as he walked over to her.  She didn’t say anything. “Well I didn’t sleep much” He replied but she didn’t want to talk to him.  She heard the crinkle of him sitting back in the leather chair. “I was up all night wondering what to do.  I thought back to what it was like not having you.” AJ told her.  “When you were dead and how lost I was.”  She still didn’t move.  “When we found you in Mexico I thought, I have her back and I’m never letting her go.” He paused and she heard him take a deep breath.  “And I never thought the day would come when I would say, I gotta let her go.”  Her head snapped up at him and he didn’t flinch.  “Until last night.”

 

“Alex” Cheslea said as he stood up.

 

“I’ve already talked to Kevin, you’re going to be staying with him.”

 

“Excuse me?” She replied, hurt and anger rushing through her.  “Where do you get off telling me…?”

 

He interrupted her.  “I have to do this for Nadia” AJ told her.  “She can’t be around this Chelsea.  She’s been through enough.”

 

Chelsea looked down at her blankets again; she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

 

“You’re right, there’s nothing I can do, there’s nothing the Doctors can do.  The only one who can do anything is you Chelsea.” AJ told her.  “I hope for Nadia’s sake, you do.” When she heard the door click she looked up and he was gone.

 

 

“So is this some sort of threat to get her to snap out of it?” Nadia asked as they walked down the hall.

 

“No” AJ replied not looking at her just kept walking down the hall but she stopped dead.

 

“So we’re just going to kick her out of our lives? You told me you two wouldn’t break up, you wouldn’t get a divorce.”

 

AJ stopped and turned to his Daughter.  “I’m not kicking her from our lives and no one is saying the D word yet…”

 

“Yet?” Nadia replied.  “Why didn’t you wait until we heard what the Doctor said; now you’ve given her more of a reason not to give a shit!” Nadia yelled.

 

“Nadia” AJ said sternly towards the word she used.

 

“You go; you leave her I’m not!” Nadia yelled at him and started walking back towards Chelsea’s room.

 

He looked around the hallway, the rage rushing through him he wanted to hit something, anything.  His fingers ran through his hair as he growled and sat down in a chair in the hallway.  He closed his eyes tightly pushing his emotions away, he needed a clear head right now, and he knew he was doing the right thing, for him and for Nadia.  When he felt someone walk up beside him he looked up and saw Kevin sitting down on the chair next to him.

 

“Nadia says she wants to stay with her Mom.” Kevin said as AJ looked away.  “She can if you want to know, she can stay in the house with us while Chelsea stays in the Guest House.”

 

“Am I doing the right thing?” He asked as he looked to Kevin still fighting back his tears.

 

“What do you think?” His friend asked.

 

“I can’t have Nadia around that, if she had been there last night and saw what I saw…” AJ paused.  “I can’t deal with that…with what I saw…I don’t wanna deal with what else she could do to herself.  I can’t just sit around and wait for her to wake up because it’s eating away at me.”  He told him.  “Last night I came this close.” AJ said as he showed his pointer and middle finger a hair width apart. “This close to drinking.”

 

“But you didn’t?” Kevin replied.

 

“No” AJ sighed.  “That’s not me anymore. I’m a Dad now, I’m Nadia’s Dad and I can’t go there.”

 

The two sat quiet not knowing what else to say and then Kevin spoke up.  “I think you’re doing the right thing.” Kevin told him.  “I know you love Chelsea, but you gotta think of Nadia and you gotta think about yourself man, and if taking a step back is going to help you.  If it’s going to help you take care of your Daughter and Chelsea than it’s something you gotta do.”  AJ looked down at his hands.  “Plus she needs to know, not just from you from all of us that what she is doing, the path she is going down is wrong and if this is the way you have to do that than, man, that’s what you gotta do.”

 

AJ looked at him; it made him feel a little better that someone had his back.  It didn’t surprise him it would be Kevin.  He sat there for a few more moments repeating the words Kevin had said, reminding himself he was doing the right thing. 

 

“You should at least wait till the Doctor does the evaluation and then go home; Nadia can stay with us if she wants.” Kevin said as AJ looked at him.

 

“Yeah” He replied with a light nod.  “I’m going to go for a coffee and a smoke tho.”

 

“Okay” Kevin replied as they both stood up.

 

AJ walked out of the hospital and headed down the street to the coffee shop.  He lit a cigarette on the way there and started to think.  Things had gone wrong so fast, things had changed so fast, and this was the part of life he hated.  Just when you were happy, you were in a groove and loving every minute of it, the music stops and the club shuts down.  Something ruins the fun, the groove and the happiness.

 

He walked into the shop, walked up to the counter and ordered a large black coffee.  It wasn’t his usual fancy coffee with the works, this one was straight black.  When the woman handed him his drink he walked over to a table and sat down.  As he looked out the window he let his mind wonder to a time that didn’t hurt, a time where there was certainty.

 

“What are you doing?” AJ whispered as he walked up behind Chelsea as she stood at Nadia’s slightly opened bedroom door in her PJ’s.

 

“Just watching” She whispered back.

 

AJ smiled as he looked into the room and saw his Daughter sleeping.  They had just gotten back from dinner after flying back from Kentucky.  His arms wrapped around her and she leaned back against his chest.  “We found her.” Chelsea nodded lightly.

 

“I’m sorry” She sighed as her head titled a little to look up at him.

 

“Don’t be, I told you already you were scared, he shouldn’t have come after Nadia or you like that.” He told her as he held her a little tighter. 

 

“I didn’t care how much it hurt me, all that matter was you being able to see her.” She told him still talking low.

 

“I know sweetheart.” He said as he kissed her temple.  “Come on we should get to bed, you need rest.”

 

AJ wrapped his arm behind her and they walked down the hall.  They both climbed into bed and AJ took her back into his arms.  She lied there enjoying the comfort of his grasp, the safety of being in his embrace.

 

“Chelsea?” AJ said.

 

“Hmm?” She replied.

 

“Chelsea” She heard again but this time it wasn’t AJ’s voice.  She opened her eyes and looked at the man sitting in front of her.  “What were you thinking right now?”

 

She sighed to herself, she was still here, in this room with this Doctor who thought he could fix everything with his pad of paper and tapping pencil.  Shifting around in her chair she sighed and looked away again.

 

“Chelsea do want help?” He asked.

 

“No” She replied.

 

“Do you think you need help?” He asked.

 

“No” She replied again, still not looking at him.

 

“What if I told you, you were suffering from Delusional Depression and if left untreated it could possibly turn into Schizophrenia?  You would become not only a danger to yourself but everyone around you.  And if you still refused treatment you could be put into a psychiatric hospital.”  He told her. “You wouldn’t be aloud to see your Daughter or your Husband until those Doctors decided that you were well enough too.”

 

“My Husband doesn’t want me around now anyways.” She mumbled.

 

“Can you blame him?” He asked.

 

“Yes” She snapped.  “He supposed to be there for me, he’s supposed to…”

 

“Watch you wither away into a blubbering fool?” He asked.  “Are you the only one allowed to be suffering here? Are you the only one allowed being in pain?  He needs his time to morn the loss of your Son, his Son.” The man looked down at his clipboard and looked back at her.  “From what I understand he has been there for you but you’re the one pushing him away.”

 

Chelsea looked down and the Doctor continued.  “Well you got what you wanted Chelsea, he’s leaving you alone. So why are you mad at him, he’s doing what a Husband should do, he’s respecting his wife’s wishes.”

 

“You’re depressed Chelsea you are so depressed you are hearing voices, whether they are aliens or your Father, it doesn’t matter.” He told her.  “I’m going to give you a prescription for Seroquel and I want to see you in two days, we’ll see how you’re feeling then and talk some more.”

 

He handed her the piece of paper as she stood up.  “If I find out you haven’t been talking them, I’ll send you to hospital that day.” He said to her still holding onto the piece of paper.  She looked away and didn’t say anything as she took it from him.

 

Chelsea walked over to the office room door and opened it.  She looked up and saw everyone staring at her.  Kevin walked over with the wheel chair but she waved him off.  “I need to go to the pharmacy.” She told him.

 

“Okay” Kevin said with a nod.  “I’ll walk you down.”

 

“Mr. Mclean?” She heard her Doctors voice from behind her and she turned around.  “Can I see you for a minute?”  Chelsea quickly looked at AJ as he walked past her and into the Doctors office.  When the door closed she spun around and with a huff she walked out of the waiting area. 

 

“Chelsea!” She heard Kevin shout a minute later.  She didn’t stop but his run was faster than her walk.  “Hey what did he say?”

 

“Why don’t you wait for AJ and find out?” Chelsea snapped. “What ever happened to Doctor patient confidentiality?” She asked.

 

“It only works like that when the Doctors think you’re competent enough to make your own decisions.” Kevin told her.

 

“I am” She snapped.

 

“No darling you’re not.” Kevin sighed.  “You are teetering on the edge of losing it completely and you are such a smart woman, I don’t understand how you can not see that.” He told her.  “…at least enough to want this help.”

 

Chelsea looked down at the piece of paper and stared at the chicken scratch that barely passed as hand writing.  “And like I said you’re more than welcome to stay with me and Kris but you have to follow Doctors orders.” He told her and she looked up at him.

 

“You’re not mad at him for kicking me out?” She asked a little hurt.

 

“No Chelsea, he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do.” Kevin told her sternly.  “Do you not understand the severity of what happened last night?” He asked.  “If you would have hit an arty Chelsea you would have bleed to death right there in front of him.”

 

Chelsea said nothing as she just sat there staring at the paper.  Kevin put his arm around her and she slowly looked up at him.  “Let’s go get that filled and head home ok?” Chelsea could only nod as they both stood up and headed towards another wing of the Hospital.

 

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Twenty-Four

February, 19th, 2010

               

                Well it’s another day and another entry.  Nadia is still mad at me for making her stay with me and besides the other things I’ve written about like the fights, the attitude, the not telling me where she’s going, and now I get a call from the school she got busted for skipping class today. Everyone’s telling me I’m doing the right thing and to give her time, she’ll understand and come around but she feels like I’m abandoning Chelsea.  I guess I can’t blame her for thinking that way too.  It’s been a week since she left the Hospital and went to Kevin’s.  Haven’t talked to her either, only to Kevin and Kris as they updated me on her last two Doctors appointments, giving her the space she needs, the time she needs to get her head straight.  I need to take Nadia to Kevin’s for Brian’s Birthday shindig.  Don’t think I’ll be staying but I’ll at least pop in and say Happy Birthday day to the Prick. Fuck I’d never hear the end of it.

               

                AJ got out of the car as Nadia closed the door to her side.  She walked around the front and didn’t bother to wait for him as she walked up the path the Kevin’s door.  With a knock she turned the knob and walked into the house.  He shut the door to his car and followed her inside.

 

“Where’s Mom?” He heard Nadia ask from the kitchen.

 

“In the Guest house hun, just be careful she might be sleeping.” Kristin told her and then a moment later he heard the back door open.  He sighed as he closed the front one and walked into the kitchen.

 

“Hi” Kristin said with a smile.

 

“Hey” He said as he sat down at the breakfast nook.

 

“You look like shit” Kristin said and he looked up at her.  A small smile cracked from his lips, he loved her spunkiness.

 

“Feel like it and no it’s not booze its lack of sleep.” He said quickly.

 

“Alex, I’m a professional dancer and an actress, I know the difference between tired and hung over, and you still look like shit.” She said as she put her glass down.

 

“Where’s your husband?” he said with a light laugh.

 

“Backyard, cleaning up the barbeque.”  He stood up and Kristin followed him out back.

 

“Hey man” Kevin nodded as he saw AJ walk outside.

 

“Hey” AJ said as he sat down and looked around.  Brian was over at the patio table talking to LeighAnne and his eyes drifted around the yard to the guest house.  He sighed.  When he saw movement he looked to his right and saw Brian heading his way.

 

“Awesome” He sighed to himself as he wondered what he had to say.

 

“Happy Birthday Prick.”

 

“Thanks Asshole.” Brian replied with a smile.  “Are you staying?” He asked.

 

“Dunno” AJ replied with a shrug.

 

“She doesn’t talk much” Kevin said as he sat down beside him.  “She keeps the place clean, she eats, sometimes she’ll walk around back here but other than that we don’t really see her until she goes to Cedar.”

 

“Is Nadia in there?” AJ asked nodding.

 

“Yeah” Kevin nodded.  “She knocked and went in.”

 

“And her Doctors are saying this is normal?” He asked remembering what Kevin told him last time.

 

“Yeah, they said she needs time to adjust to the pills and she starts dealing with everything with a clearer mind.” He told him.

 

“Do you think its ok for Nadia to just go walking in?” He asked.

 

“I think so” Kevin nodded.  “I think it would be ok for you to go in and say hi too.”

 

AJ sat there as he lightly bit his bottom lip.  He wasn’t sure if he was ready to see her, what would he say or do.   The last week was filled with fights with Nadia, phones calls tracking her down, and more fights with her.  He really didn’t have time to think what was next for him and Chelsea. 

 

Just then Nadia came out of the small house and walked over to him.  “She wants to see you.” She said as he looked up at her.

 

“Okay” He said as he stood up.

 

Making his way over to the house, he looked through the front door window and saw her sitting in the sofa chair as she picked at the blanket across her legs.  Grabbing the knob he pushed on the door and walked into the house.  When he closed the door and turned around she was looking at him. 

 

“Nadia said you wanted to see me?” He asked as he stood by the door.

 

“Are you staying for the party?” She asked.

 

“I don’t know, maybe” He said with a shrug.

 

“How has Nadia been?” She asked.

 

“A handful” AJ replied with a sigh.  “She’s pissed at me for what I did but I figured she would be. She’s not coming home when she’s suppose too, she’s taking off without telling me…” Chelsea went to say something but he spoke too soon, know what she would say.  “She’s just going to Kandis’s.”  He noticed she relaxed when he said that.  “And the school called today she skipped Math.”

 

There was a long silence and during that silence AJ caught himself staring at her.  She looked a little better, more colour to her face, a little life in her eyes, it looked like she had been at least getting sleep.  “So how are you feeling?” He asked after a moment.

 

She took a deep breath.  “I’m doing better I guess.”

 

“Are the pills working?” He asked.

 

“Yeah, they seem to be.” She replied quietly.

 

His eyes jotted down to her arms, they were a little hard to see bunched around the blanket that laid across her.  “How are your arms?” He asked.

 

She paused and he watched as he eyes drifted down.  “They’re fine.” She replied.

 

“Good” AJ replied with a light nod.  “So…everything’s going good then?”

 

“Yeah” She said with a nod.  He thought about what to say next, wondering if he should go now and just leave this conversation where it’s at.  “I’ll talk to Nadia if you want.”

 

“About?” AJ replied a little confused.

 

“Taking off and skipping school.” Chelsea said as she looked at him. 

 

“It’s fine, she’s just pissed at me and I can’t really blame her.” AJ said with a light sigh.  “Anyways I should get back before Brian spends the next two years whining how I spent his entire Birthday party in here.”A small smile broke from the corner of her mouth. “Are you going to coming out at all?” He asked.

 

“I don’t know, still not handling being around people to well yet, and I hear there are a few people coming so…” She paused.  “I think I’m just gonna lay low have a nap.”

 

“Oh okay” He said with a light nod trying to hide the disappointment.  “Well I’m gonna go.”

 

Chelsea lightly nodded.  “Sure”

 

AJ turned to the door and opened it, he wondered should he say bye? Should he say more? This was their first conversation without fighting in weeks and he didn’t wanna jinx that so he opened the door and walked outside.  He didn’t look at anyone but he felt all eyes were one him.

 

“So” Nadia said as he sat back down in the chair he was in before.

 

“Huh?” AJ replied a little confused.

 

“Is she coming home with us?” She asked.

 

AJ looked at her; he knew this wasn’t going to end well.  “No Nadia.”

 

“Why?” She asked with a whine.  “She’s looking better, she’s taking her pills.”

 

“It’s only been a week and…”

 

“So?” Nadia replied in a much louder voice.

 

“So she’s still not ready, she can’t even come out here, she needs to be alone…”

 

“You’re an idiot.” She sighed as she got up.

 

“Hey!” AJ snapped as he grabbed her arm and spun her around, Nadia and everyone around him looked at him in shock.  “I have been more than lenient with you Nadia but that right there was the last straw.” AJ yelled. “Get in the car we’re leaving.”

 

“What?” Nadia replied with anger.

 

“You heard me” AJ replied in a stern tone.  “I get that your pissed, I would be too, but you’re Mom is still very sick and this isn’t something that can get better in a week.”

 

“Well maybe if the person, who’s supposed to be there for her, was actually there for her…”

 

“Nadia” Chelsea yelled from her door and everyone turned and looked.  “Come here” She said as she nodded to inside the house.  Nadia looked back at AJ he said nothing; he was still pretty pissed at her.  His Daughter turned and headed towards her Mother and walked in.  He looked at Chelsea and caught the quick glance she gave to him before she closed the door behind them.

 

With a grunt AJ sat down and waited.  There wasn’t anything he could do now, he couldn’t leave he had to wait for Nadia but he didn’t want to stay any longer.  When he looked up everyone was going back to what they were doing before.  Kevin was checking on the barbeque, Brian was talking to Leigh-Anne.

 

“Alright bitches let the party start I’m here!” Nick shouted as he walked out the back door.

 

“Kris you still have the bear mace I got you?” Kevin shouted.

 

“Fuck off Richardson.” Nick scoffed with a light smile.

 

“What’s up man.” Kevin said as the two hugged.

 

“AJ you made it.” Nick said looking at him a little surprised.

 

“Yeah” AJ replied with a nod. 

 

“I should have just dropped her off at the door.” He sighed to himself.

 

AJ sat there patiently and waited. When he looked down at his watch he noticed a half hour had past since she had gone in there and he wondered if he should go get her.  Just as he was about to stand up though, Nadia opened the door to the guest house.  She walked right over to him and he took a deep breath.

 

“I’m sorry” She said.  “I shouldn’t have called you that.”

 

“Thank you” AJ replied acknowledging the apology.

 

“Mom wants to talk to you again.” She said as she sat down.

 

AJ got up and walked over to the house, the door was still slightly opened and he walked into the house.  She wasn’t sitting on the chair anymore she was sitting on the couch, with the blanket still across her.  When the door closed she looked up at him.

 

“Did she apologize?” She asked.

 

“Yeah” He replied with a light nod.

 

“Good” Chelsea said as she looked back down at the blanket. 

 

“She said you wanted to talk to me?” AJ said as he stood in the hallway again.

 

“I know she’s in trouble for skipping school and now what she said outside.” Chelsea said as AJ listened.  “But…” She paused.  “Could she spend the weekend here, she can stay in one of the rooms in the house, if you don’t feel she’s safe with me…I just.”

 

“Chels” AJ sighed as he walked over to the couch and sat down beside. “I know she’s safe around you, I didn’t do this because I thought you would hurt her.” AJ told her as she looked at him.  “You needed help and you weren’t listening to me, you weren’t listening to anyone, this wasn’t like Mexico, you were spiraling out of control.” Chelsea didn’t say anything and he looked away as he thought about her question.  “She can spend the weekend here.” AJ spoke up. “Only if you feel up to it and if it’s too much just call me and I’ll come get her ok?”

 

“Okay” Chelsea replied with a nod.  “Thank you”

 

“You don’t need to thank me Chelsea, you’re her Mom.”  He said as he stood up.  “I’m going to go let her know, I’ll run by the house pick her up some clothes, and then I’ll drop them off.”

 

“Okay” She replied with a nod.

 

He walked over to the door and turned around.  She was still sitting on the couch.  Now she was staring and picking at her blanket.  He sighed to himself, he wanted to hold her, and kiss her but he had seen her get better before and then totally lose it again.  He turned around and reached for the door but as he went to open it Chelsea spoke up.

 

“Alex?” He heard her say and he turned around.  “Are you doing ok?” she asked and he looked at her for a minute.

 

“I’m okay.” He told her with a light comforting smile.

 

“It’s just I over heard Kris and Kev talking and Kevin said you told him you almost went out drinking the night I went into the hospital.”

 

“Ah” AJ replied with a light nod and the he walked over to her.  “Yeah I was going too…”

 

“Going too?” She replied.

 

He looked at her.  “You got to the box before I did.” She looked at him confused and then in her eyes he saw her realize what he was talking about.  “I don’t know if I would have drank the bottle if it was there.” He told her.  “Probably would have.”

 

“I’m sorry” She said with a frown.  “I mean that I’m putting you through this not that I’m sorry the bottle wasn’t there.”

 

AJ lightly smiled and even laughed lightly to himself.  “Don’t be sorry Chels, just get better.”  He told her and he looked at her for a moment as she looked back down to her blanket. “Well I’m gonna go and get Nadia’s things, I’ll pop in before I leave.” He told her and she nodded not looking at him. 

 

Habit told him to bend down and kiss the top of her head and he almost did but something stopped him.  He then turned around and headed to the door.  When he opened it he looked behind him, she was still sitting in the couch, doing the same thing she was doing when he walked in.  Opening the door he walked outside and over to Nadia.

 

“So are we going home now?” She mumbled.

 

“No” AJ told her.  “You’re Mom asked if you could spend the weekend.” He told her as her head shot up to him.  “I told her you could as long as she could handle it but if it got to be to much she’s supposed to call me and I’m coming to get you.”  Nadia was about to say something but AJ didn’t let her.  “I mean it Nadia, no taking off, no bullshit, you’re Mom is not a hundred percent yet.”

 

“Okay” She replied with a nod.

 

“I’m going to go get some things for you, is there anything you wanted?” AJ asked.

 

“Just my DS.” She said.  AJ nodded and then headed to the door, before he left he looked back to the guest house.  He wasn’t surprise to not see her standing there but something in him had hoped she would be.

 

 

           

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Twenty-Five

                Chelsea sat on the couch watching an old movie that she hadn’t even heard of in Black and White.  Nadia was sleeping and everyone in the other house was too.  Day one with Nadia had been okay.  Alex came back dropped her stuff off but then he left.  She was hoping he would have stayed but when he left it just made her understand more what she had done, to him, to herself, to Nadia to everyone around her.  How could she have let herself get so out of control?  How could she let herself slip so far that she lost Alex. A tear started to fall and she wiped it away.  Her eyes drifted needing a break from the plan colours of the old movie.  They went towards the phone and she wondered if he would be up.  She looked back to the DVD player and the green neon clock read one fifteen.  He would most likely be up but she didn’t want to take the chance that if he wasn’t, she would wake him up and she knew he hadn’t been sleeping.

 

                 At first she was angry at him.  Angry at what he did, angry he wasn’t there for her but then as her head started to clear and she started to see through the fog,  she started to realize why he had done it.  She didn’t want to believe it at first.  Expecting him to call within the first day or the second day but the only time she heard that he had were after her appointments and even then he just talked to Kris or Kevin.  She asked Kevin if they were coming to the party and he said Nadia was but he didn’t think Alex was going to stay. 

 

Was he really that angry with her that he didn’t even want to stay for Brian’s Birthday? Wouldn’t he want to see her and see how she’s doing?  That was the moment she started missing him.  She started to wonder how long she would have to go without him.  Now she sat here with a clearer answer, it would be a while yet.  And not because he didn’t stay but because when she saw him, she didn’t know what to say.  How could she make up for what she put him through? How could she apologize for what he walked in on that night?  And how does she ask him for help now? Was it even fair for her to ask?

 

She sighed as she fixed her blanket and looked back to the TV.  The movie she was watching was over and the bad effects of credits faded in and out from the screen.  She shut the TV off and lifted up her blanket as she stood up.  Opening her door she walked into her bedroom and shut it behind her.  Chelsea crawled into bed and pulled her covers around her.  She looked around the strange room as she lied in the strange bed and looked over to the empty pillow beside her.  With a light sigh and a small frown she closed her eyes.

 

A shout woke her from her slumber at first she wasn’t sure what it was and then she heard the noise coming from the room beside her.  Quickly she climbed out of bed and hurried out of the bedroom.  She opened Nadia’s door and saw her Daughter sitting up on the bed crying. 

 

“Nadia?” Chelsea spoke as she walked over to the bedside.  As she sat down Nadia looked up at her and then wrapped her arms around her.

 

“Please don’t go” She sobbed.

 

“I’m not going anywhere” She said as she held her Daughter in her arms.

 

“I don’t want you to be here, I want you at home so I know where you are and that you’re okay.” She cried and Chelsea closed her eyes as she held her a little tighter.  “I-I don’t care if he doesn’t want to help you, I do.” She whined. “I want to take care of you, I want to help you.”

 

Chelsea slowly pulled Nadia away and looked her in the eyes.  “You’re Dad is helping me Nadia.”

 

“How?” Nadia asked with anger and hurt.

 

“By taking care of you.” She told her Daughter.  “I wasn’t a good person to be around, I was in my own little world and I just didn’t care. I was in a bad place and I need time to move on from it and while I’m doing that he’s making sure you’re okay.”

 

“Do you still love him?” Nadia asked.

 

Chelsea frowned; she reached up and placed her hand on her Daughters shoulder. “Of course I do, I will always love your Father.”

 

“Do you miss him?” She asked.

 

“Yeah”

 

“Maybe tomorrow I can call him and we can go do something, go out to eat or something.” Nadia said and Chelsea saw the hope and excitement in her eyes. 

 

“We’ll see okay?” Chelsea replied with an unsure smile.

 

“Okay” Nadia said with a nod.

 

Chelsea lightly smiled glad she dropped it.  “Alright let’s get back to bed.”  She helped Nadia get under the covers and tucked her in.

 

“Night Mom” Nadia yawned as she tucked her arms under her pillow and rolled over.

 

“Night hun” Chelsea replied as she walked to the door.  When she closed it she headed into her room and crawled back into bed.

 

Her eyes didn’t open back up until late in the morning.  She walked out of the room and went into the bathroom, she grabbed the glass that was sitting out and filled it with water.  Opening the medicine cabinet she pulled out the orange pill bottle and gave the lid a twist as she pushed down.  She dumped out two small pills and placed the cap back on.  Dumping the pills into her mouth she put the bottle down and grabbed the glass with her other hand.  Taking a sip she swallowed the pills and sighed as she breathed out.

 

Dumping the unused water out, she put her medication away and left the bathroom.  When she walked into the living room she realized Nadia’s door was open.  She peaked in and saw she wasn’t there.  Chelsea walked over to the intercom and buzzed the living room in Kevin’s house.

 

“Well it’s about damn time young lady.”

 

“Right, is Nadia with you?” She asked ignoring Kevin’s smart comment.

 

“Yes she’s playing with Mason.” He told her.

 

“Okay, I’m going to have a shower and I’ll be over.” She said and then waited for him to reply.

 

“Did you take your meds?” He asked

 

She rolled her eyes a little.  “Yes”

 

“Okay see ya when you get here” He replied and the intercom cut out.

 

As she headed to the bathroom the phone rang but she ignored it they were always for the other house.  She walked into the bathroom and reached for the water but the voice on the intercom in the living room stopped her.

 

“Chels, you still there?”

 

She stood up and walked out of the room and over to the small speaker on the living room wall.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Alex is on the phone wants to talk to you.” He told her.

 

She replied “Okay” And then headed to the phone.  When she picked up the receiver she spoke. “Hello?”

 

“Hi” AJ’s voice said on the other end.  “Just calling to see how Nadia was yesterday.”

 

She sat down on the sofa chair.  “She was good, she hung out with everyone, came into the house when everyone started leaving, then we watched a movie and then she went to bed.”

 

“So she didn’t give you a hard time or anything?” He asked.

 

“No” She replied lightly shaking her head even though he couldn’t see her.

 

“Good, good” AJ replied.

 

“She did have a nightmare though.” She said.

 

“What happened?” AJ asked with concern.

 

“She woke up crying and I went in there, she was sitting in her bed and when she saw me…” She paused, she knew the next sentence would lead to a lot of talk she wasn’t sure she was ready for.

 

“Chels?” AJ replied into the phone.

 

With a quick deep breath she spoke. “She begged me not to go, she told me she didn’t want me to be here, she wanted me at home so she knew where I was and if I was okay.  That she didn’t care if you didn’t want to help me she did.” She told him and there was a silence on the other end.  “I told her you were helping me by taking care of her while I get better.” There was still silence on his end and she couldn’t tell how he was reacting.  “And she wants the three of us to go out together go get something to eat.”

 

“She does” AJ replied finally speaking.

 

“I told her we’ll see but…” She stopped.  She knew Nadia wanted them to go out but she could barely walk around the backyard without feeling disoriented and jumpy.

 

“But what?” AJ asked.

 

“I’m just…” She paused thinking of the right words.  “I’m just still trying to get through the day with at least one thought of him that doesn’t make me cry for an hour, if I go out and see a Mom and her…” She paused.  “I really want to do this for Nadia cause she seems really worried about…us.”

 

“It’s okay I’ll talk to her.” AJ said.

 

“Okay” Chelsea said not really sure what else to say.

 

“Kay, well I guess I’ll let you get back to you’re shower, I just wanted to see how she was.” AJ told her.

 

“Okay” She replied and she found herself feeling sad the conversation would be ending.  “I’ll page Kev and tell him to get Nadia.”

 

“Sweet, thanks.” AJ replied.  She pressed hold, put the phone down and walked over to the intercom.

 

“What?” Kevin voice broke from the speaker.

 

“Alex wants to talk to Nadia.” She told him.

 

“Nadia your Dad’s on the phone!” Chelsea heard Kevin shout and she rolled her eyes and sighed.

 

“Did you have to keep the button down to do that?” She asked annoyed.

 

“In the words of my youngest band mate…Yes” He replied.

 

“That’s Ex band mate.” Chelsea shot back and let go of the button.  Kevin said something to her but she ignored it as she walked back into the bathroom.  Reaching for the taps she turned them on and let the water run to the right temperature.  She pulled knob and the water blasted out from the shower head.  After she undressed she walked into the shower and with a sigh she let the water fall on her head.  Her mind thought about the conversation she had just had and how hard it was to get through it.  Everything was harder to do these days but at least now she wanted to do them.

 

After going through the normal routine, she shut the water off and grabbed the towel from the rack.  Wrapping it around her she stepped out of the shower and sat down on the edge of the tub.  Her hair was still soaked and it clung to her wet back.  Her mind drifted back to the conversation again.  She wasn’t sure why a part of her was disappointed AJ didn’t want to go out to eat because she really didn’t want to go.  Maybe it was more of a hope he would have shown some interest. 

 

This whole thing scared her.  Sure he said it was just for her to get better, but sometimes she would get a vibe from him or a feeling just out of the blue that this arrangement was something more.  She wondered why he hadn’t said I love you in a week or I miss you.

 

Chelsea sighed as she stood up and walked out of the bathroom.  She walked right into her room and over to her dresser.  Pulling out clothes for the day she laid them on top of her bed and began getting dress.  Flipping her hair over she wrapped the towel around her head and scrubbed as she dried her hair a little.  She gave it a quick brush and then walked out of the room.

 

“Hi” She said as she saw Nadia sitting on the couch.

 

“Hey” She said with a smile.

 

“What are you doing?” Chelsea asked as she sat down.  “Ugh, this movie again?”

 

“Yep” Nadia replied with a nod.  “You don’t complain like Dad does when I watch it so can I watch it?”

 

“I don’t care” Chelsea replied with a light laugh as she got up.

 

“Where you going?” Nadia asked as she sat up.

 

“Going to grab something to eat.” Chelsea replied.

 

“Why?” Nadia asked and Chelsea turned around.

 

“Cause I’m hungry?” she replied with a laugh.

 

“But Dad’s coming.” She said and Chelsea’s face fell in confusion.

 

“He is?”

 

“Yeah” Nadia nodded.  “Dad told me you weren’t feeling up to going out to eat so he’s gonna bring something here.”

 

“He is” Chelsea replied and couldn’t help but hide the stun tone in her voice.

 

“Yep, he should be here soon.” Nadia said as she looked back to the TV.

 

Chelsea stood there by the door for a minute not sure what to think about what had just transpired.  As she went to head back to the living room the door to the guest house opened and AJ walked in with bags in his hand.

 

“Sweet I’m starving” Nadia said as she jumped up.

 

“Kevin didn’t feed you?” Chelsea asked.

 

“Hello this is my kid we’re talking about.” AJ said as he walked past her.

 

Chelsea lightly smiled as he put the bags down on the counter. Nadia already sitting at one of the chairs.  “Cheeseburger and Onion rings.” AJ said as he pulled out the plastic container.

 

“That’s moi” Nadia said as she took the food from him.

 

“Kevin said you had just woken up so I grabbed you a fruit salad and a bagel.” AJ said as he looked up at her.

 

“Oh-Okay thanks.” She replied with a light smile.

 

She watched the two as they pulled away the lids to their food.  The two busily talked as she walked over and sat down where AJ had put down her food.   This she could do, just them, eating and talking.  She opened the lid to her plastic bowl and went to reach for a fork.

 

“Again? Seriously Nadia…” AJ moaned and Chelsea looked up.  She followed his eyes and lightly laughed. “How can you like this boring f-“

 

“Alex” Chelsea said stopping him.

 

“F-Friggin’ movie.”  He said correcting himself as Nadia rolled her eyes and looked back to the movie…Yeah she could do this.

 

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Twenty-Six

               

                AJ’s elbow rested on the marble table as he took a sip of his soda. His other arm lied in front of him as he rested against the table. He looked over at Chelsea as she picked at her Salad.  She had been quiet while they ate and he started to wonder if this was a bad idea, maybe she wasn’t ready to be around him yet.  When there was a knock at the door he looked and saw Kevin coming in. 

 

                “We’re taking Mason down to the peer for a walk.” Kevin told them. “Did Nadia want to go?”

 

“Can I?” Nadia asked as she looked at AJ and Chelsea.

 

“Up to your Mom” AJ said as he looked at her.

 

“I guess so” Chelsea replied.  “If you want to go.”

 

“Let me just go grab my sweater.” She said as she jumped down from her chair and headed into her room.  When she came back she walked over to Kevin.

 

“We won’t be to long.” Kevin said as Nadia headed out the door.

 

“Okay” Chelsea replied as he turned and left.  When the door closed he looked over to her and she looked from the door to him.  She lightly smiled and looked back down to her fruit salad, picked up her fork and began eating again. 

 

“So” He said trying to break the silence.  “How have you been?”

 

“Better” She replied. 

 

He looked at her waiting for her to say more, hoping she would say more.  “Good” He replied with a nod when he realized she wasn’t going to say anymore.

“I can clean up if you want to go.” She said before she took a piece of mango off her fork.

 

“Well I don’t have to go right now.”

 

“Oh, well I just figure since Nadia went out you’d want to go.” She said as she picked up a strawberry.

 

“I couldn’t possibly want to stay here and talk to you?” AJ asked and his tone was surprisingly calm, even to him.

 

“I dunno” She replied “You haven’t wanted to talk to me all week.”

 

“I was just giving you the space you wanted.” He told her.

 

“I know” She replied and then sighed.

 

“What?” He asked knowing there was more.

 

She sat there for a minute staring at the bowl.  “I just figured you would have wanted to know how I was doing.”

 

“I talked to Kevin and Kristin…”

 

She interrupted him.  “Yeah, Kevin and Kristin.  Not me.”

 

AJ sat there for a moment.  “I’m sorry, I just thought you were still mad at me for making you come here so…” He placed his hand on her forearm and she quickly pulled away.  Her hand smacked her glass of juice and sent it off the table and spilling onto the floor.

 

“Crap” She said as she quickly got up and grabbed some paper towel.

 

AJ watched with confusion, why did she pull away like that?  She stood up and dumped the wet towels into the garbage.  “Chels?” He said as she sat back down but she didn’t look at him. 

 

She must have known what he wanted to know because she answered without him even asking the question.  “Still a little edgy about my arms. Sorry” She spoke quietly.

 

“Don’t be.” He replied with a frown and his heart ached a little.  He watched as she cleaned the last of the juice up and then sat back down. “So you’re not mad at me then?”

 

“At first I was yeah but…” She paused and he tilted his head a little.  “Since I’ve been taking these pills I’m not so drained and foggy so I’m starting to see things clearer now.  I realize why you wanted me to stay here.”

 

“Are you still hearing your Dad’s voice?” He asked a little hesitantly.

 

“No” She replied as she lightly shook her head.  “Not sure when the voice stopped but it’s been a few days since I’ve heard anything.”

 

AJ found himself relaxing when he heard that. “That’s good.”

 

She lightly smiled and then she picked up her bowl and fork and walked over to the sink.  He didn’t want to get his hopes up and he had seen her pull herself around before only to end up worse than she was.  But he was seeing things in her he hadn’t seen before.  She didn’t seem so fragile, it seemed, like she had said, she was seeing things clearer. 

 

Letting out a small sigh he thought back to when he called her this morning.  He woke up early and drove out to Kevin’s and went to a coffee shop just in case. He then called to see how things were, and if she needed him to pick up Nadia, he would be right there and wouldn’t take long. He remembered how he felt when she told him about Nadia waking up.  It made him realize maybe the lashing out was more than just his Daughter being mad at him.  She missed her Mom and wanted to be with her. He thought the brunch was a good start but with how quiet she had been, maybe she just wasn’t ready yet. His thoughts were broken when he heard a soft whimper.  He looked at her standing at the sink, her hands resting on the edge of the counter. 

 

“Chels?” He asked wondering if that was her or was he just hearing things.  She didn’t say anything. 

 

“I’m sorry” She said softly after a moment.

 

“For what?” AJ asked as he turned around in his chair.  She didn’t say anything but he could tell she was fighting back tears.  He stood up and walked up to her, he reached up to touch her and turn her around but he stopped his hands, remembering the last time. “Chels?” He said hoping his voice would turn her around but when it didn’t he reached up and lightly touched the side of her upper arms by her shoulders.  To his surprise she didn’t jump so he turned her around to face him and he sighed when he saw her crying.  “Chelsea, talk to me.”

 

She reached up and wiped her eyes.  “It just feels like I woke up from this nightmare and now everything is gone.  I’m living in a strange house, sleeping in a strange bed and…” She stopped and he assumed she was catching her breath, fighting back tears.  “I miss you and I miss Nadia.”

 

He stood there looking at her as she wiped her eyes again and he was about to pull her into his arms when she looked up at him.  Her eyes showed sadness and regret but there was a spark to, not the emptiness he saw last week.

 

“I’m sorry” She said.  “I’m sorry for not being there for Nadia and for you.  I’m sorry I pushed you away, I was just so…” She stopped and swallowed.  “I wanted to get better, I thought I could do it on my own, I just had to make him stop but he wouldn’t.  I got scared, confused and…lost.”  Chelsea took a deep breath and continued.  “I want to get better now, I don’t want to go back there, and I don’t ever want to be like that again, no matter how much losing Logan hurts.”

 

A light smile broke from his lips and he pulled her into his arms.  It had been to long since he held her like this. To long since her hair had brush against his cheek and he could smell the sent from it.  “I’ve been taking my pills every morning.  I’ve been talking to the Doctors and working on getting past this, I’ve been sleeping and…”

 

He interrupted her. “Do you want to come home?” He asked.

 

“Yes” She replied in a whisper with a light nod.  “But-But only if you want me too, I know why you wanted me to stay here and…”

 

He interrupted her again as he slowly pulled her away.  “Chels.” His eyes locked on hers.  “I want you to come home if you’re ready to come home.”

 

“I am” She replied with a quick nod.

 

“Then why don’t you start packing your things up and when Nadia get’s back we’ll let them know and head home.”  He told her.  “Sound good?”

 

When Chelsea lightly nodded he smiled as she headed towards her room.  “Chels?”

 

She stopped and turned and looked at him.  He walked up to her and locked his eyes on hers.  Then slowly almost studying her reaction he leaned in and when she showed no signs of pulling away, he kissed her.  His fingers drifted along the side of her face as he reached up and slid his fingers through her hair.  The kiss was long and passionate, it had to be, it had a whole weeks worth to make up for.

 

Slowly he pulled away and rested his forehead against hers.  “I love you so much Chelsea.”

 

“I love you too Alex.” She replied

 

He let her go to her room so she could get her things together and walked over to the couch.  When he sat down he looked up at the open door and saw her putting cloths onto the bed.  A thought, a question popped into his head and he looked at her. 

 

“Hey Chels?”

 

“Yeah?” She said as she stopped at her door.

 

“Are you sure you’ll be ok going back?” He asked.  “What happens when you see the nursery?”

 

“It’s one of the reasons I want to go back, I need to deal with the memories, with the room because if I don’t…” She paused.   “Logan dying wasn’t the end of everything.” She said and he looked at her.  “There’s still you and Nadia.”

 

“Okay” He replied with a light smile, she lightly smiled back, and then returned to her packing.  AJ didn’t show the joy that refilled his heart.  He knew she was going to be okay, she still had some ways to go but he knew she would get through it, she wanted to get through it, and he wanted to be there to help her.

 

He sat on the couch quietly watching her was she walked back and forth in her room.  She walked out of the room and into the bathroom a couple of times and then she walked out with her bag and set it down.  When she saw down beside him on the couch he looked at her.

 

“I’m sorry too.” He replied and she looked at him confused.  “Sorry I didn’t call and talk to you about what was going on, I just thought…”

 

“That I was mad, I get it.” She replied with a light smile.

 

“Plus you know me…” He said.

 

“Stubborn as an Ox.” She replied with a sigh and he smiled.  He watched as she looked down at her nails.  “I was getting a little worried I had pushed you to far, that maybe after everything you wanted this to be permanent.”

 

“I never ever wanted this to be permanent; I just didn’t know what to do anymore.” He said remembering.  “I was terrified I was going to lose you again.”

 

Just then the door opened and Nadia came walking in with Kevin behind her.  When she walked over to them she saw the bag on the floor and looked at the both of them.  AJ looked over to Kevin and saw the look on his face; he had seen the bag too.

 

“What’s goin’ on?” He asked as he looked from Chelsea to AJ.

 

“We’ve been talking this whole time and we’ve decided that she’s going to come home.”

 

“Today?” Nadia asked with a smile and AJ nodded.  “Awesome I’m going to go tell Kris.” And with that she was gone.

 

“Are you two sure about this?” Kevin asked with concern.

 

“Yes” Chelsea nodded.  “I need to go back so I can move on.” She told him and AJ could tell that was enough of a satisfying answer for Kevin.

 

“Well say goodbye before you leave then.” Kevin said with a light smile and then left the guest house.

 

“So” He said looking back to her.  “Need anything else?”

 

“No, I’m ready to go.” She replied and then he smiled before he walked over and picked up her bag. 

 

“Let’s head home then.” He said to her and she smiled with a light nod.

My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Twenty-Seven

February 20th 2010

 

                Chelsea’s home.  It’s funny; I had no intentions of her coming home yet until we talked this afternoon.  She seems clearer in thought, there’s a want there, to be with Nadia, to be with me, to just keep moving forward and I don’t want to set her back if she’s ready.  She convinced me today she was so I brought her home.  We’ll see what the next few days bring but it’s hard to fight how good it feels to have her home…

 

There was a knock at the door and he looked up.  “Yeah” He spoke in a loud tone.  The door slowly crept open and he saw Chelsea poke her head in.  “Hi”

 

“Hi” She replied back as she walked in a little.  “Are you busy?”

 

“Nope just checking Emails and stuff.” He said as he closed the book.  “What’s up?”

 

“Nadia fell asleep on the couch can you bring her up while I grab my bag?” She asked.

 

“Sure” He replied with a light smile.  He stood up from his desk as she walked out of the room.  Walking across the living room he walked over to the couch and picked up his sleeping daughter.  Making his way slowing up the stairs he carried her to her room and laid her down on the bed.  He pulled her sheets over her and sighed. 

 

“Night kiddo” He whispered before he stood up and walked out of the room.

 

When he walked into their bedroom he saw Chelsea sitting on the bed, her bag beside her.  He walked over to her and sat down on the other side of her.  “You okay?” He asked.

 

“Yeah” She sighed as she looked away.  “You got a new mirror for my dresser.”

 

“And new carpet.” He said as he looked down at the floor.

 

Chelsea sighed as she looked away.  “Oh Alex I’m so sorry”

 

“I told you before don’t be sorry, just get better.” He said as he took her hand.  “We all have our moments where we go to a dark place, some are darker than others but the important thing is you get through them.”

 

“But that night, what you walked in on…”

 

“What I walked in on was horrifying and terrifying but it’s nothing compared to how I fault when I realized I couldn’t help you.” He told her and she looked at him.  “That you didn’t want my help; you just wanted to be left alone.  That’s not you Chels.”  Wrapping his arm over her shoulder he pulled her against him.

 

“I just wanted him to go away and he wouldn’t.” Chelsea said as she wrapped her arm around his stomach.  “He just kept telling me how much of a horrible mother I was, how he always knew where I was, he never lost me, like…”

 

“Like Nadia” AJ said sadly and she nodded.

 

“And he never once tried to kill me…” She whispered.

 

“Chels you didn’t…”

 

“I know that now.” She replied with a sigh.  “But then it was just too hard to ignore. I started seeing him looking back at me, laughing and I just wanted him to go away.”

 

“Well he’s gone now Chelsea.” AJ said as he lightly kissed the top of her head and held her a little tighter. “And I want you to know, just for the hell of knowing, you are not a horrible Mother, you are the best Mom I know.”

 

Slowly she pulled away as she wiped her eyes; he lightly smiled at her as he brushed the hair from her face.  “I missed you.” She replied as she closed her eyes to his touch.

 

“I missed you too Chelsea.” He replied with a light sigh.  “And I’m sorry if I made you think I just walked out or abandoned you…”

 

“No” Chelsea replied as she sat up and looked at him.  “I really do understand why.”

 

His fingers brushed through her hair.  His eyes followed as they drifted down to her neck and then his eyes strayed to hers.  He flashed a quick smile before he leaned in and kissed her.  When he pulled away he noticed how she was sitting.  She had pulled her arm with the other one sitting against her stomach.  He looked down at her arms and reached for her hands as he pulled them towards him.

 

“And I don’t ever want you to be afraid of me seeing your arms.” He told her as he gently squeezed her hands.  She didn’t say anything and she didn’t really look at him as she lightly nodded.  “Did you wanna crash now?” He asked.

 

“Yeah” She nodded.  AJ softly smiled at her as she got up and walked over to her bag and pulled out her pajamas.  As she got dressed he pulled down the blankets and walked over to his side of the bed.  He got undressed and climbed in just as she was coming over to get herself.  Letting her lie next too him, his arm tucked under her neck, her head nestled against his neck, and her arm draped over his side.  He could feel the warmth of her breath on his neck. 

 

They both lied there silently as they both enjoyed being back in each others arms.  At a moment through out this ordeal, at one time or another they both thought this moment would never happen again but as they both started to drift to sleep, they each pulled the other closer knowing this was the beginning of their climb back out the dark hole.  The damage was determined they knew what they needed to do to fix it, so now it was time to get to work, so they both could have a home again. 

 

The next few days were quite but they were good days.  Then one day about a couple of weeks after Chelsea came home AJ noticed something in her clicked.  He wasn’t sure what it was but she seemed more aware? Alive? She talked, she laughed she took Nadia to school and picked her up.  He had even had talks with her about how she would be if he started his solo back up again.  He wasn’t sure what it was that just made things click for her and sometimes he wondered if he should ask or just enjoy the fact she had found herself again.  Until one day when there was a knock at the door.

 

“Hi” AJ said as he looked up at Kevin’s oldest brother.  He hadn’t seen him since Logan’s funeral, it was the last time he saw his Dad too.  He still really hadn’t heard from Jerald’s mouth what happened that day.

 

“Hi Alex how are you?” Jerald asked.

 

“I’m good.” He replied.  “Ah Chels isn’t here she went shopping with Nadia…”

 

“Little shopping trip before the solo in Japan?” Jerald asked with a light smile.

 

“Yeah” AJ replied with a chuckle. 

 

“Actually I came to talk to you.” Jerald told him.

 

AJ looked at him a little confused.  “Me?”

 

“I promise no name calling, not cheap shots, I just came to talk.” Kevin’s older brother said.

 

“Okay” AJ replied as he took a step back.  As Jerald walked in