Plopping down on the couch, Nick scooped up the remote and started channel surfing. It was a Saturday night and he had nothing to do. After several trips round and round all his channels, he lit one a channel of some Chinese/Japanese type movie.

"What the hell am I watching" Nick asked himself. Then he hit the info button on the remote.

The Notorious Concubines (Wakamatsu Koji 1968)

Based on the legendary exploits of Pan Chin Lien, a 13th century Chinese housewife whose passion and prowess not only eventually led to a prestigious status but also to the overthrow of several key men of power.

After reading the description twice, Nick pulled his iPhone from his pocket and googled Concubine.

con·cu·bine [kong-kyuh-bahyn, kon-]

noun

1. a woman who cohabits with a man to whom she is not legally married, especially one regarded as socially or sexually subservient; mistress.

2. (among polygamous peoples) a secondary wife, usually of inferior rank.

3. (especially formerly in Muslim societies) a woman residing in a harem and kept, as by a sultan, for sexual purposes.

"Hmmm, more or less like a live in girlfriend. Interesting." he thought.

Settling in, he watched the strange movie and fell asleep on the couch. He had vivid dreams of a girl who lived with him, did various sexual acts, and cooked and cleaned for him.

Nick woke with a start, jolting up and looking around. Rubbing the crick in his neck from the awkward position on the couch, he glanced at the clock. Only 10'oclock. Getting up he headed up to take a shower to help wake himself up. While scrubbing his hair, his mind wondered back to the dream he’d had.

"Must be a combination of that weirdass movie and not having a girlfriend for a long time Carter. You’re sexually frustrated!" he reasoned with himself. He got out of the shower, picked up the nearest t-shirt giving it the sniff test to see if it was clean, and threw on a pair of red basketball shorts. He then headed downstairs for his tennis shoes. He decided to go for a run on the beach. Later on that evening, the fellas were coming over to watch a football game with him. Brotherly bonding Kevin called it. Nick was excited to have his brothers over and just chill out with them.

Heading out the back door, he jumped off his deck and into the sand. He’d jogged for nearly two miles and then stopped for a breather. He bent over with his hands on his knees to catch is breath. When he looked down, he saw something shiny mostly buried in the sand. Curious, he started digging around the foreign object. After uncovering it, he picked it up and carried it to the water to wash it off. After it was clean, Nick sat down on the sand to look at it. Upon further inspection, it resembled a Genie Lamp like the one in Aladdin.

"I wonder if I rub it I will get three wishes" Nick chuckled. Then he proceeded to rub the lamp feverishly. Nothing happened so he started rubbing it again. After nothing happened this time, he threw the lamp down and got up.

"Oh well, it was worth a shot" he said. Just as he was about to turn around, the lamp started pouring out smoke. Nick’s eyes widened, his mouth dropping open. Then, he appeared.

"Greeting! You have summoned the Genie of the Lamp! I am Abdab. I will grant you one wish!" boomed the genie.

"Wait..I thought it was three wishes" Nick shouted.

"Hey..we aren’t in the movies kid. You only get one. Take it, or leave it" Abdab told him.

"Ok, I’ll take it. Lemme think. What do I want?" Nick asked himself.

A few minutes later, some scenes from the movie he watched the night before flashed threw his mind. Then it hit him!

"I wish to have a concubine! Nick said.

Just as Nick made his wish, a girl in a tiny bikini jogged by, catching the genie’s attention. Hey, can ya blame him? He’s been stuck in a lamp for 100 years!

Nick noticed the genie watching the girl and cleared his throat to get Abdub’s attention.

"Oh, of course!! As you wish!" Abdub boomed again.

A sudden sandstorm surrounded Nick. He closed his eyes expecting to wake up in bed with a beautiful woman at his side. When he opened his eyes next, it was not the scenario that he had in mind.

Blinking a few times, Nick felt really weird. He looked around and knew something was not right. First of all, he was on the ground, but still standing up. And he was in the woods.

"How the fuck did I get here?! Where’s my bed?" Nick shouted. It was his voice but it was very small. He began to walk and then he knew something wasn’t right. He looked back at himself and discovered he had 4 legs instead of two! On top of it all, he was covered in some kind of prickly fur!

"Abdooley! What did you do to me? I said concubine, not PORCUPINE!" Nick shouted in his little screetchy voice. After no answer, Nick started crawling away. The feeling was foreign to him but he finally got the hang of it. Looking around, he noticed he was in the woods that was not far from his house. He then set out to the direction of his house.

Coming to a small stream he stopped at the edge. Peering down at his reflection, Nick gasped.

"Ohhhhhhhhh myyyyyyy GODDDDD! I look hideous!" he screamed.

After the shock had worn off, Nick crosse the stream and headed towards home. He had no idea what time it was, but then he remembered the fellas were supposed to come over tonight. Thank the Lord for small favors! They will know what to do to help! Nick scuttled as fast as his little legs would carry him. As he was about to reach the end of the woods, his little nose began to twitch.

"Wow...feels kinda like Spidy Sense!" Nick thought. All things indicated trouble. And it presented itself in the form of a big dog directly in his path. The dog was starting at him, with his hackles raised. In turn, all the quills on Nick’s back shot up. As the dog inched closer, bearing his teeth and growling, Nick turned and a few quills shot out of his back, striking the dog right on the snout. It started yipping, turned and ran the opposite direction.

"Ok, how the hell did I do that? That was kinda cool!" Nick said outloud. Guessing that it was just pure instinct, Nick did a little porcupine strut out of the woods, proud of himself.

About an hour later, Nick finally reached his back deck. Looking at the steps, that now looked like Mt. Everest to his tiny form, Nick was trying to figure out how he was gonna get back into his home. Looking down, he noticed some impressing looking, razor sharp claws at the end of his paws. Walking over to the first step, he stood up on his back legs. His front legs barely came to rest on the edge of the step. Digging the claws into the wooden step, he hoisted himself up. Once he was settled on the first step, he was already huffing and puffing. Looking up, he still had five steps to go.

About an hour later, he finally came to rest on the deck. He was pure worn out from the adventure up the steps. He laid on the deck in the sun and began to dose after all the physical excursion he’d just put his little, round, fat body through.

"NICK! Where are ya dude!" Nick woke with jump and nearly rolled off the deck’s first step.

"What the fuck?!" Nick screetched, momentarily forgetting he was now a porcupine.

"Nick! This isn’t funny! We know you’re in there! You’re car’s in the driveway! Open up!"

Recognizing the voice as Brian’s, Nick didn’t even think that the guys would come to the front door! He’d facepalm himself if he wasn’t scared of getting a quill in the eye. Praying the guys would come around back since he didn’t answer, he waiting by the back door. No way in hell he was going back down those steps! He’d probably fall down them and impale himself!

After about 10 minutes, he heard the gate to the backyard open. YES! They were coming to the back door!

Brian was the first to round the corner, followed by Kevin, AJ, then Howie bringing up the rear. Making their way up the steps (Lucky bastards. Look how easy it is for them!) Nick waited for them to notice him. Brian went to the back door and started pounding on it.

"Nick! Get your butt down here and open the door!" Brian shouted.

"I’m down here asshole!" Nick screamed as loud as he could.

"Down where? In the basement? What’s with your voice? Are you sick? Well, get your skinny ass up here and let us in!" Kevin shouted back.

"No you idiots! Down here! Look DOWN!" Nick screamed back.

All four guys looked down at once.

Reactions came in a variety. Howie jumped back down the deck steps, AJ backed himself up into a corner with wide eyes, Brian just stood there and stared at him like a statue, and Kevin, Kevin being a good ol’ country boy knew exactly what they were dealing with and bent down to get a closer look at the creature.

"What the FUCK is that?" AJ spat out.

"Would you guys just relax. It’s just a porcupine. Be it odd that it is on the deck since they don’t really care for people" Kevin explained.

Nick then realized they didn’t know it was him.

"I’m so glad you guys are here! I need your help!" Nick screamed in his little porcupine voice.

Now it was Kevin’s turn to freak out. He stood up and tried to back away so fast he promptly fell on his ass.

"Guys! It’s me! Nick!!!" Nick started waddling over to where Kevin landed. Kevin started to crab-walk away from him.

Brian, having recognized Nick’s somewhat distorted voice, walked closer to him.

"Nick, is that really you?" Brian asked tentatively.

"YES!! It’s me!! I found this lamp on the beach and I rubbed it and a genie popped out and he was an idiot cuz obviously I wouldn’t ask to be turned into a porcupine and".

"Wait, wait, wait, slow down Nick. With that squeaky, low voice we can’t understand you." Brian said.

Now that the guys were relatively calmed down, they all crouched around Nick so that they could listen to what had happened to him.

"A concubine Nick? Really? REALLY?" Kevin drawled.

"Hey, give him credit that he actually knew what one was!" AJ said.

"Ten bucks says he googled it" Howie chimed in.

Nick just glared at t hem with his beady, little porcupine eyes. "Will you guys cut it out and HELP me please!!" Nick yelled.

Thinking for a bit, Kevin said, "Well, the only thing I can think of to do is to try to find this lamp and see if we can get the genie to undo this mess."

Brian walked into Nick’s garage and found a durable, thick pair of gloves. Walking back out onto the deck, he put them on and then gently picked up his friend. Then they all they all headed back down to the beach in search of the lamp. Following Nick’s directions, they found the lamp partially buried in the surf. Digging it up, Kevin washed it off in the tide then gave it a hardy rub.

Smoke began pouring from the lamp and the genie appeared.

"Greeting! You have summoned the Genie of the Lamp! I am Abdab. I will grant you one wish!" boomed the genie.

"Hey! Dipshit! Remember me? Look what you did to me!!" Nick screamed as loud as he could at Adbab.

"Nick", Brian whispered to Nick, "I don’t think insulting the guy that could be your only hope is the way to go here bud."

"Adbdooly, remember me from this morning? I asked for a concubine and you turned me into a damn porcupine! Can you please turn me back into myself...PLEASE?" Nick yelled.

"I remember you. I thought it was an odd request. But I will regretfully admit, my attention was taken away by the girl running down the beach. I will right my wrong" Adbub said.

Placing Nick on the ground in front of him, Brian stepped back. The sudden sandstorm surrounded Nick once again and once it settled, Nick stood there, in his 6 foot +, blond frame. Looking down at himself, feeling his whole body to make sure everything was in tact, he let out a big whoop of joy.

"Thank you! Oh my God! I was so scared I was going to have to spend the rest of my life as a freakin porcupine! I was wondering how I was going to survive, what I was gonna eat, if I was ever gonna have sex again! Hey, how do porcupines do it anyways? Carefully, I know, but still..." Nick rattled on.

"SHUT UP NICK!" they all yelled at him.

Two hours later they were all sitting in Nick’s living room, feasting on all the food Nick had bought for their little get together the day before.

"That was awful nice of you Nick, to use the other wish from the genie since he screwed up your first wish to donate a million dollars to the St. Jude Children s Research Hospital." Howie said.

"Well, I figured that was a safe wish to make! I didn’t see how he could screw THAT one up! And it made me feel good" Nick said.

All the guys nodded in agreeance then turned their attention back to the game.