Double Exposure

Part One

~ New Years Eve 1997 ~

"Five, four, three, two, one, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"

People all around me were smiling, laughing, hugging, and kissing as Auld Lang Syne rang out through the crowded party. A pair of familiar arms wrapped around me from behind and I felt his lips graze my neck eliciting a grin from me as I turned to face him. He smiled down at me through sunglasses, "Happy New Year, Kel baby."

AJ McLean can also be known as the best friend I’ve ever had. We met in middle school and quickly decided that we were inseparable despite the fact that I was two years older than he was. He had the heart of the kindest, most gentle person I’d ever known and to top it all off was just as crazy as I was. From the time he was eleven years old and I moved to Orlando with my parents we spent most of our waking hours, and many sleeping hours together. Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t "a couple." Well yeah, we’d posed several times as boyfriend and girlfriend to get out of dating horrors, went to my prom with each other, and made it a habit to pretend we were a couple when we were in public just for the hell of it. But despite that, we were just friends, best friends. When he left high school in his freshman year to focus on his career as a Backstreet Boy I was proud, happy and sad all at once. I missed him horribly when they spent a few years over in Europe, but every time that we could manage to get together, we did. And despite his growing fame, we never lost touch.

I reached up and took his sunglasses off of his face, "Happy New Year, AJ..." He smiled as I put his sunglasses into my back pocket knowing that I wasn’t fond of the sunglasses-on- indoors look that the record company had hooked him on. I was forever telling him to let me see his eyes. "Got a New Years kiss for your bestest friend in the world?"

"Nah... I already kissed Howie a second ago..." he teased and pulled me into his arms pressing his body against mine. "But I do have a kiss for my bestest girl..."

"Oooh baby, I’m your girl now?" He wiggled his eyebrows at me and then dipped me while moving his face toward mine slowly. "No tongue or I’ll bite it off!" I laughed.

"Mmm hmm..." he mumbled and pushed his lips against mine. I held onto his body and reciprocated the kiss as he nibbled on my bottom lip gently. When he pulled us into an upright position and pulled away from the kiss he was grinning, "No tongue."

I laughed and fanned myself, "Remind me to ask you for kisses more often..."

"You know you want me... don’t fight it..." he chuckled.

I hugged him tight and kissed his cheek, "Happy New Year, Age... this is going to be a good year for you honey, I can feel it."

"You can feel what?" I heard an unmistakable voice ask from behind as I was pulled from AJ’s arms into another pair of strong arms. "I know what you should be feeling, Kel..." he smirked and pressed his hips against mine. I laughed and he dipped his face to mine kissing me gently, "Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year, Kev..." I grinned.

Kevin Richardson was a whole other story. The eldest Backstreet Boy and by far the sexiest piece of man I’ve ever met. Somehow in the midst of getting to know him we’d begun flirting with each other and to an innocent bystander you’d think that either we were screwing and were really bad at hiding it, or that we hated each other. He was constantly hitting on me and I was constantly hitting him upside the head. Then the next moment I’d be sitting in his lap teasing him about something. It was a strange relationship that we had, but we enjoyed it. He too, turned out to be a great friend to me over the years, hell all of the Boys were, but Kevin definitely earned his badges for concerned listener over the years. We got along so well in fact that people often wondered, especially back in the early days why we didn’t hook up as a couple. It wasn’t that I didn’t find him extremely attractive, he was a beautiful man. Very sexy, and frankly I enjoyed all of the dangerous flirting that we engaged in. The last thing I needed though was to get involved with a musician who was on the verge of super stardom. It was hard enough being the childhood best friend to one.

"So, sexy, you ready to let me love you yet?" he asked pulling me tighter to his body.

"Kev... you’re such a horndog! How many times do I have to turn you down before you get the point?" I giggled as I half-heartedly struggled to push my way out of his arms.

He held me from escaping his embrace and whispered into my ear, "Until you stop turning me down..."

"Keep trying, big guy... maybe someday I’ll see the light..." I grinned and kissed his cheek before he let go of me.

"At least dance with me tonight?" he pouted flashing me his green eyes. "Let me grind up against that nice ass of yours..."

We all laughed and I nodded, "Okay, Train, as long as you don’t step on my feet... but first I want to find the rest of the Boys and get some kisses."

"Making the rounds eh, Kel?" Howie asked as he joined our group and laughed.

There wasn’t really much to say about Howie Dorough. He was AJ’s best friend when they were on the road and I wasn’t around. We sometimes butted heads when we got together because we both loved AJ so much that we didn’t want to share. But eventually we worked things out and he truly fit his nickname Sweet D.

"Just call me The Original Backstreet Slut..." I laughed.

"But if you’re our slut then..." Kevin began and I slapped my hand over his mouth before he could shoot out some vulgar comment.

"Come here, Howie... kiss..." I smiled with my hand still over Kevin’s mouth. Howie smiled and gave me a sweet kiss. "Thank you... ewwwww Kevin!" I said pulling my hand away from Kevin’s mouth. He stood there grinning and I looked at the AJ and Howie, "He licked my hand..."

The three of them cracked up and I shook my head as I wiped my hand on my jeans, "How was it?" AJ asked Kevin with a grin.

"Yummy..." he smiled and licked his lips. "Next dance is mine, don’t forget..." he reminded me before walking off to get himself another drink.

I rolled my eyes and turned to Howie and AJ, "How do I get myself into trouble with him all of the time?"

"You’re a flirt, girlie," AJ laughed.

"True," I shrugged. "So where are the two blondes of the bunch? I’ve still got two kisses to get..."

"Brian was in the kitchen, but I haven’t seen Nick in a while actually," Howie said.

"Okey dokey..." I smiled and went off in search of Brian.

Brian Littrell was dangerous, but in a good way. The fans and media somehow marked him up to be the angel of the group, and I admit he had his moments... but Brian was no angel. He was wild just like the rest of us and loved to have a good time... he just knew when and how to turn his wild side down a few notches. A little less than two years older than me, he was the closest to my age and because of that we got along pretty well. His only major fault though, he couldn’t hold his liquor. I could drink him under the table, and usually did, every time.

"Kellie Kel!" Brian called out, obviously drunk, as his eyes settled on me.

"Hey, Rok..." I chuckled. "I was coming to get my kiss from you, it’s 1998 you know?"

"Heck yeah..." he drawled and I chuckled. "Cummere..."

He put his hands on either side of my face and placed a bruising kiss on my lips, "Geesh, Brian... a little less power next time okay?" I laughed.

He giggled, "Sorry... I’m drunk."

"I know you are honey," I said taking his drink from his hand. "Go eat something why don’t you?"

"Okay!" he yelled and quickly left.

I shook my head and took a drink from his glass and quickly spit it back into the cup, "Holy shit... no wonder he’s drunk," I muttered as I put the cup down and grabbed an ice cube from the bar trying to wash the tequila taste from my mouth. I rubbed the ice on my tongue and walked around the party looking for Nick.

Little Nicky Carter. Stunning blue eyes, silky golden blonde hair, tanned and toned skin, and taller than I was even when he was thirteen and I was a senior in high school. It was no wonder he was the original heartthrob of the group, he was the All-American kid. Kid... sure he was only four years younger than me, but that was enough for me to earn the right to call him a kid. Nick was special. He literally grew up in the band, and because of it suffered a lot. It’s not very easy going through puberty with literally the world watching you. There were times over the years when I wondered if he was going to make it through the storm, but somehow, with the support of us all he did. We’ve all seen some pretty hellish things over the years, but especially when it came to Nick, things were complicated, to say the least.

When I was about to give up on my search for the Blonde Wonder I glanced outside and saw someone sitting near the pool. I knew right away it was him and I quietly made my way out to him. "Hey, Nickers," I said as I plopped down next to him smiling.

"Hey..." he replied somberly as his eyes stared into the pool.

I frowned and tilted my head trying to look into his eyes, "You okay, kiddo?" He shrugged silently. "Where’s your little girlie girl you had running around with you earlier?" I asked noticing that his girlfriend Maria was nowhere in sight.

"Gone."

"Gone? Like as in left the party gone, or gone to piss gone?" I chuckled trying to make light of the situation.

"Gone."

I sighed and bit my lip wondering what type of stance to take with him. Humor, or Mama Mode. "Sweetie, did you two split up?" I asked choosing the motherly route. He nodded still not looking at me. "You want me to leave you alone?" I asked cautiously. I watched as he paused for a minute and then his eyes slowly rose and met mine as he shook his head no. I smiled and reached out grabbing his hand in mine squeezing it gently. He smiled a half smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes and then looked back into the lit pool. "So..." I said looking at a dark spot in the pool wondering what the object was that had fallen into the pool.

"So..." he sighed.

"You trying to figure out what the hell that black thing down there is too?" I asked quietly.

He began to chuckle and nodded, "Yup..."

I laughed and watched him laugh, "Good to see you smiling, Nicky... you’ve got a great smile."

He rolled his eyes and blushed, "Shut up..."

"Nope," I grinned. "So listen, it’s New Years, it’s after midnight, and we’re both lonely and sober. You’re too young to drink, and I’m not drinking by myself... whatever should we do? Aside from our intense study of the black thing in the pool of course..."

"Of course..." he chuckled. "Wait, it’s after midnight?"

"Yeah, honey..." I smiled and looked at my watch. "12:15 actually..."

"Oh that’s just great..." he mumbled as his shoulders visibly slumped.

"What?" I asked with a smile.

"Nuthin’..."

"What?" I persisted shaking his arm.

He looked at me with a pitiful look and sighed, "Promise you won’t tell anyone? Not even AJ?"

I nodded and smiled, "Promise... now what is it for heaven’s sake?"

"I..." he sighed and looked at me for a second before looking back into the pool. "I never... Well I was hoping that Maria would be my first real New Years kiss."

"And now she’s gone and you don’t have anyone to smootch for the New Year..." I finished. He nodded and continued staring into the pool. "Do you know why I came out here?"

"Because you felt sorry for me?" he mumbled.

"Hell no... I was looking for a kiss. My goal is to get a kiss from all five of you tonight or else my year is going to suck, I just know it."

"Bullshit..." he chuckled.

"No I’m serious. You can ask them yourself... well not Brian, he’s probably passed out by now..." We both laughed. "Seriously though... I came for a kiss."

"Yeah okay but it’s not the same."

"Why?"

"Because you don’t kiss me like THAT..." he groaned and looked up at me.

"Like what?" I teased with a grin.

"You know..." he blushed.

I chuckled, "No I don’t... teach me..."

"Bite me..." he laughed.

"Not til you’re eighteen next month..." I laughed.

"Kel!" he laughed. "God, you’re a pain in my ass..."

"Yeah I am, but it’s such a nice ass, Nicky..." I joked. "So you gunna kiss me or what?" He looked at me with curious eyes and I smiled turning sideways with my legs crossed Indian style between us to face him. I raised my eyebrows and nodded slowly, "Come here, kid..."

"Rob the cradle much, Kel?" he laughed nervously.

"Never... and you’re almost legal... close enough. Do you want to kiss me or not?"

"Yeah..." he said timidly looking down again.

I smiled and grabbed his face gently with my hands making him look at me, "Then come here..." His eyes were nervous and he unconsciously wet his lips sliding his tongue out over them which, despite the fact he was a mere seventeen years old, was utterly sexy. I couldn’t believe I was about to kiss him, ‘like THAT’ but I didn’t want the whole night to be a drag for him. Just when our faces were close enough that I could feel his breath on my lips I whispered against his lips, "Happy 1998 Nicky..."

"Happy..." was all I let him speak before my lips touched his and I drew his bottom lip into my mouth nibbling on it gently before pushing my tongue past his lips and into his mouth. He let out a soft moan as my tongue slid across his and explored his mouth. At first he barely moved, but before I knew what hit me he responded to the kiss and his tongue danced with mine in an erotic duel. I felt myself scooting closer to him on the pavement and his hands found my waist pulling me toward his body. My heart was beginning to race and my head was swimming as Nick, my Little Nicky, was kissing me like no one had before. I began to pull away from the kiss much to his distress and placed numerous gentle kisses on his lips before completely pulling away. "... New Year.."

I smiled and nodded, "Happy New Year." We were both flushed and breathing heavily. I looked back to the pool trying to calm myself back down from the kiss, which had left me visibly shaken, and took a deep breath.

"Kel?" he asked cautiously.

"Hmm?" I replied chewing on my bottom lip.

"Um... I..." he fidgeted and bit his thumbnail. "Can... can we..."

"Nicky, I..." I interrupted trying to avoid things going any further with us.

"No... I just want to know... if..." He sighed and pulled my hand into his and I looked into his deep blue eyes. "Can we please?"

I sighed and ran my fingers over the smooth skin of his hand, "Please what?"

"Please find out what the hell that black thing is at the bottom of the pool?" he grinned.

I began to laugh and smacked him in the head. "Race you to the bottom?"

"Oh yeah..." he smiled. "You go first..." he laughed and pushed me into the pool with one good shove and then jumped in after me.

geovisit();

Double Exposure

Part Two

~ New Years Eve 2000 ~

I sat in my apartment alone on New Year’s Eve. It was the first time in years I’d been alone for the holiday seeing that since I’d met AJ in middle school I’d always spent it with him, and for the past eight years spending it with him meant spending it with the other Boys. This year though I was alone because I was sick. Just my damn luck when I was about to fly home to Florida to spend New Year’s Eve with my best friends I’d get so sick that my doctor refused to let me fly, let alone leave the apartment.

My antibiotics were beginning to finally work after two days and I actually felt better, but even so, I was forbidden to leave the house. So instead of being in warm Orlando, I was in cold New York City and couldn’t even go to Times Square to watch the ball drop. I was throwing an enjoyable pity party for myself lying on the couch watching rented movies that my neighbor got for me out of sympathy. I’d decided that at midnight, if the antibiotic fog didn’t overtake my body and I managed to stay awake that long, I’d step out onto my fire escape and light a sparkler that I’d been keeping since the 4th of July for some odd reason. By eight o’clock though I was bored out of my mind and my pity party was elevated to a new level as I laid on my back and stared up at the ceiling singing off key thanks to my infected throat. I sang everything from "Rubber Ducky" to "Who Let the Dogs Out? " I even sang that annoying "She Bangs" song and had a five minute long laughter fit when I began shaking my hips like Ricky Martin as I sang. When I started belting out old Backstreet songs I only depressed myself even more and got up going into my bedroom pulling a large Rubbermaid tub out of my closet.

I dragged the heavy box into my living room panting from the physical exertion and opened the lid tossing it across the room scaring the shit out of my sleeping cat. "Sorry, Johnny’" I chuckled as he glared at me and curled back up and went to sleep.

Half an hour later I was surrounded by photographs, new and old, and the room was full of rubber cement fumes, which I couldn’t smell, as I arranged the pictures in a scrapbook. I matted each picture on a piece of black paper as I placed it in the book and wrote the title of each picture, as well as the date, in silver ink under the picture. I titled all of my pictures that were worth keeping. Call it strange, call it anal, call it me, I was a photographer and it was one of the many little things that I’d been doing since I was a child. I could always tell that a picture was going to be a good one if a title popped into my head as I took it. Some titles came after I’d developed the pictures, and it wasn’t to say that they were worse than the others, but the best ones always started with names at their conception.

Living in NYC gave me plenty of things to capture on film, the city was full of amazing sights just aching to be photographed. I loved it, and I loved my work even though there were times when I’d go weeks without any money coming in despite my efforts to sell my pictures. Luckily I had a nice little trust fund to live off of when I hit dry spells like that, but even then I’d wait until I’d eaten every last package of Ramen Noodles and practically cleaned out my cupboards of peanut butter and crackers before I’d dip into the fund. I wanted to work for my money, growing up rich could either do two things to you. It could make you appreciate money and the hard work that you needed to do in order to gain it, or it could warp your sense of the world and make you a greedy bastard who wanted to live off of mom and dad for the rest of your life. Luckily I turned out on the better half of the scenario and the last thing I wanted was to live off of my parents money.

I flipped through the pages in the scrapbook that I’d created that evening before starting another page and smiled at the images laid out before me. This was my personal scrapbook that I was working on, not something that I’d share as part of my portfolio. Pictures of vacations with AJ, of the Boys scared stiff at their very first concert, then of them flying on wires to the stage on their most recent tour, a snapshot of AJ and I dancing at Kevin’s wedding which Brian somehow managed to take without me seeing… Eight years of memories were sprawled out on the pages as well as on my coffee table, my couch, my lap, and my floor.

Chuckles consumed me as I dug through the box of pictures and found a picture of Nick and I that AJ took on New Years Eve three years prior after we’d pulled ourselves out of the pool. Nick had picked me up for the picture and was grinning as I kissed his cheek. We both looked like drowned rats with our clothes completely drenched with pool water. I lightly ran my finger over the face of the picture looking at how happy we were that night. Just as I’d predicted to AJ, Backstreet had a huge year in 1998 and things had pretty much blown up for them. It was amazing how much we’d all changed since then. How much we’d all grown up.

Nick, of course, being the youngest had gone through the most visible changes since that night. He’d gone from being a stunning teenager to a stunning adult. Despite the physical changes though, things had also changed dramatically with our friendship since 1998. I thought back to that year, and all the things that had happened between us, starting with that kiss by the pool, and an uncomfortable feeling washed over me. Staring at the picture I felt my heart ache and knew that if I didn’t force myself to put the picture aside that the familiar tears weren’t far away. I ran my hand over the picture one more time sentimentally and placed it back in the box, burying it deep underneath the other pictures.

I took a deep breath and looked at the mess I’d made in my living room with a smile. Checking the clock I saw that it was 11:30 and I chuckled thinking to myself that I might actually make it to midnight without too much trouble. I changed the channel to ABC and watched Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve. 98 Degrees was singing a song and I chuckled thinking that even though they could sing, and were fine, they sure as hell could use some help from the Boys’ choreographer Fatima. I listened to them singing as I continued working on my book until the phone rang.

"Sick Girl…" I answered with a raspy voice and a chuckle.

"Hey girlie…"

"Age!" I squealed as well as I could with half a voice.

He laughed and whined, "Oh honey you sound horrible…"

"Thank you," I laughed.

"How are you feeling?"

"Not too bad really. The shit they gave me is gooood. I’m enjoying it. Just spending another New Years Eve with dick," I chuckled and he didn’t make a sound. "Dick Clark honey…"

"Oh!" he laughed.

"Yeah, and I also think I’m high on rubber cement fumes, but I can’t tell because I can’t smell anything. Johnny is either sleeping or has passed out."

"Kel!" he chuckled. "You better not kill my fur kid."

"YOUR fur kid? Um honey I do believe that I got custody of one Johnny Suede McLean-Johnson when you gave him to me for my birthday."

"Yeah but I’m still his daddy, and his namesake, don’t kill him with fumes, baby."

"Okay, maybe I’ll open a window…" I chuckled and got up to crack the kitchen window slightly to let fresh air in.

"Why don’t you crack the door instead?"

"Huh?" I said as I struggled to open the window and not drop the phone into the sink in the process.

"I said why don’t you crack the door instead?"

"Uh probably because it’s New Years Eve, I live in New York City, and there are crazy people living in my building who I’d rather not let into my apartment…" I chuckled and finally got the window open. "Whew! I got it open’ you can relax, Junior isn’t going to die of asphyxiation anymore’"

"Kel?" AJ laughed.

"What? Don’t make fun of me Age I’m ill…"

"I’m not making fun of you, but I will be soon."

"Why?" I pouted and looked into the fridge wondering what I could eat as I all of a sudden had an appetite for the first time in days.

"Kel…"

"What! Geesh Age… What?"

"Open your door."

"AJ I opened the window, what’s your obsession with my door?"

"Kellie open your door."

I sighed and walked across my apartment and unlocked the door and opened it then shut it quickly. "Did you hear that? I opened it. Now would you… oh my god…" I opened the door again slowly and looked at AJ standing there on his cell phone laughing at me.

"Hi, baby…" he smiled and waved still talking into the phone.

"You’re laughing at me," I pouted.

"No I’m not," he chuckled.

"AJ!" I whined in a pitiful voice.

He reached for my phone and placed it to his ear and smiled, "She’ll call you tomorrow…" and then hung up on himself before turning off his own phone and sliding it into his pocket. "So, I just flew all of the way from Florida to cold ass New York in the damn snow on a holiday to see my best friend because she’s sick and I couldn’t imagine spending New Years without her.  You gunna hug me and let me in or what?"

I giggled and nodded, "Come on smartass…"

"Oh I’M the smartass?" he laughed as he lugged his things into the apartment and set my phone down on the coffee table. "I think you’re the one that opened and slammed the door on me…"

"Yeah but YOU are the one that was trying to be sneaky with the ill, that’s not fair."

"Ill my ass, you look just fine’"

"I know I’m fine," I laughed and shook my hips at him seductively. "But I’m ill and you were laughing at me and that’s not fair."

"Yeah but I’m here aren’t I?" he grinned taking his coat off and hanging it on a hook near the door.

"Yeah you are," I said quietly with a smile. "I miss you."

"I miss you more," he smiled and wrapped me in a tight hug. "That’s why I’m here."

"You sure you wanna be here? You could get sick, and if you get what I have before your tour someone is bound to kill me," I laughed.

"I’m sure," he smiled and held my face in his hands looking into my eyes as I held onto his waist. "You are sick, your eyes are glassy and you’ve got a fever."

"Told you," I grinned.

"Uh huh," he smiled and pulled me to the couch. "You must rest.  We need to get you well so you can come home and visit before this crazy year long tour." He looked down at the couch and noticed my mess. "Uh…Having fun here, Kel?"

"Mmm hmm.  Just dump those back in the box and I’ll show you what I made." He did as ordered and I flopped down onto the couch wrapping up in the blanket feeling suddenly tired again from all of the moving around.

"Share," he mumbled as he sat down next to me and got under the blanket with me shivering.

"Gotta dress for the weather Age, how many times do I have to explain to you how the further North you travel the colder it is? It’s called winter, you see, and it’s when this pretty stuff called snow falls from the sky and…"

I looked at him and he was giving me a look that made me laugh, "I can leave… go back to sunny warm Orlando where I can walk around nude if I feel like it’"

"Be nice," I whined and reached for the scrapbook putting it in his lap. He kissed my cheek and began looking at the scrapbook. "Although the thought of you naked is enticing…" I grinned and put my head on his shoulder looking at the pictures with him.

"You know you want me baby… don’t fight it," he laughed and I smiled. "Wow…"

"What?"

"Kel this is great… I didn’t know you had all of these pictures. I mean I remember you always having a camera with you no matter where we were, but these are great."

"Yeah well…"

"No really…"

"Thanks…" We sat quietly looking through the book together and reminisced over all of the memories on the pages. "I want to eventually write stuff around the pictures about what was happening that day, but I didn’t have the energy to go that far tonight. The next two pages are my favorites though.  I was actually thinking of framing one for you and sending it to you, and I’d keep the other."

AJ turned the page and found a two-page collage of pictures that I’d made of pictures of him and me together over the past eleven years since we’d met. A lot of them were self portraits which started out really bad when we were young, but were perfected as we grew older and figured out how to take a good one without cutting someone’s head off. Some of the pictures were shots that I’d taken of him on tours, in rehearsals, on stage, and then just silly stuff from we’d get together and hang out. It was essentially the history of our friendship squeezed into two pages of pictures. "This…" he said quietly and then looked up at me.  "This is amazing."

"Our friendship is amazing," I smiled. He hugged me and when we pulled away we heard Dick Clark on the television and noticed that the ball was dropping. Three seconds later the ball lit up, the numbers 2001 flashed over Times Square and we could hear people throughout my apartment building shouting "Happy New Year!" I grinned and looked at AJ as Auld Lang Syne began playing on the television. "Happy New Year, Age, thank you so much for being here with me."

"I wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else, Happy 2001, Kel…" he smiled.

"Guess you’re gunna have to kiss me on the cheek this year…" I giggled.

"I’ll take my chances…" he told me quietly with a grin and tipped his head towards mine pressing his lips to mine in a gentle kiss. My hands found their way to his hair and I ran my nails through his curls as we shared our once a year 'more-than-friendly-but-without-tongue-kiss.’

I pulled away from the kiss feeling more feverish than I had beforehand and smiled, "Jesus AJ you get better at that every year," I chuckled and put my head back down on his shoulder cuddling up under the blanket with him again looking down at the pictures of us that were still in his lap.

His fingers absentmindedly traced over the pictures and he smiled, "You know you want me… don’t fight it."

"Mmm hmm..." I giggled and then sat up reaching for my camera on the end table. "Picture time..."

"Oooh okay," he smiled and put his cheek to mine and we held the camera up together like veterans and took the first self-portrait of the year.

Click.

"Did that one have a title?" he asked as I set the camera back down on the end table and cuddled back up to him with a yawn as he started digging through the other pictures in the box laughing at most of them.

"Yeah..." I smiled. "A New Beginning."

geovisit();

Double Exposure

Part Three

I woke up the next morning to the sound of Johnny purring loudly and his tail in my face. "Johnny..." I croaked and pushed on his butt to move. He meowed at me and gave me a dirty look. "Don’t give me that look..."I whispered to him and pushed him away from my head as I frantically wiped his fur off of my face.

I sat up slowly and looked around the room wondering when I was going to start feeling better. I grabbed my bottle of antibiotics from my night stand and the bottle of water next to it and took the morning’s dose with a painful swallow. I started to whine and then felt movement in my bed reminding me that AJ was there. He rolled over onto his stomach, his arm slung over a pillow, and Johnny stood up next to him stretching. I smiled and looked at Johnny, "Get Daddy..." I whispered and shooed him with my hand toward AJ.

Johnny obeyed, for once, and used AJ’s bare back as his new sleeping surface sprawling out on his belly across AJ’s back with his head on AJ’s shoulder. I chuckled quietly and looked around for my camera. It wasn’t on its normal spot near my bed because AJ had been snapping pictures the night before, but I found it before either of them moved.

Kneeling on the floor near the bed I looked through the camera and focused on AJ and Johnny sleeping waiting for the perfect moment to snap the picture. The moment presented itself not too long after when they both began to yawn at the exact same time.

Click.

"My Boys..." I smiled whispering the title of the picture to myself. I took a few more shots from assorted angles as Johnny struggled to find a comfortable position on AJ. The light of the morning coming in softly through my sheer curtains was providing the perfect setting for the pictures. I was using my "Black & White" camera too so I could only imagine how great the pictures were going to be. Johnny’s black and white fur, AJ’s dark tattoos on his arms and back, his dark messy hair against the pale yellow pillowcase which in black and white film would be a pale gray... it was perfect. I crawled back onto the bed and sat next to AJ grabbing my light reader and holding it up near AJ’s face.

He smiled and whispered with his eyes closed, "You’re holding that light thing by my head aren’t you?"

I giggled and he opened his eyes as I pulled my hand back, "Sorry..."

"It’s okay," he grinned. "Morning."

"Morning..."

"I heard you clicking... figured you were taking pictures of me again." He rolled carefully onto his back making sure not to knock Johnny to the floor. Johnny meowed and we both laughed. "Oh stop whining..." AJ said quietly and put Johnny on his chest and began petting scratching his "good spot" and looked at me. "You taught him to whine didn’t you?"

"I did not..." I laughed and held up the camera as AJ looked straight into Johnny’s face and placed his nose to Johnny’s small nose.

Click.

"Oh please... no child of mine would whine this much," he smiled.

"Bullshit... your child DOES whine... and it’s all from YOUR side of the family..." I laid on my stomach getting the camera to the same level as AJ and Johnny.

Johnny laid his head down on AJ’s chest and closed his eyes and AJ grinned at me, "He loves his Daddy..."

Click.

"Yeah he does..."

I took a few more pictures, close-ups. I got a few of AJ’s face, of his large hand resting on Johnny’s small body, Johnny’s tiny paw lying across AJ’s "Bone" tattoo... "You almost done?" he whispered to me as I happily clicked away taking pictures.

"Huh? Oh... sorry..." I smiled and put my camera down on the bed between us. He smiled and picked up the camera handing it to me. "I’m done..." I said and pushed it back towards him.

"No you’re not... I can see it in your eyes. I was teasing. Keep clicking until you’re done. You’re the ONLY photographer that I don’t mind taking tons of pictures of me, Kel..."

I smiled and held the camera in my lap running my thumb over the sticker on the back of it. I chuckled looking at the sticker. It was an old Backstreet sticker of AJ’s head from when he was about sixteen years old. I’d been working on a photo shoot at a wedding a few months before and they’d wanted certain pictures in black and white, and others in color. Because my cameras were the same make, and I usually only worked with either all black and white, or all color I needed some way to easily identify which camera around my neck was the right one. I pulled the small Asian trading card from my planner that I used as a bookmark and peeled the AJ sticker off of it and put it onto my camera thus lowering the face value of the card drastically in the process. AJ had practically ripped me in two when I told him I’d used the sticker after having saved it for five years when he’d sent it to me from Europe. He’d lectured me about how much that would have been worth someday if I’d kept it in tact, but I told him that I wasn’t concerned about the value of the card because he was going to support me in my old age anyway. "Did you see the sticker?" I smiled and held the back of the camera to him.

He laughed, "Oh lord that’s not me..."

"Yes it is!" I laughed. "Look how little you look..."

"Wow..." he smiled looking closely at the sticker. "I should still kick your ass for ruining that card..."

"I didn’t ruin it, and you wouldn’t kick my ass because I’m sick and you love me..."

"Mmm hmm..." he smiled.  "How’re you feeling?"

"Like shit..." I shrugged and lay back down. "But you’re here, so it’s okay..."

"Face it, you love having me in your bed..."

I laughed and rolled onto my side to look at him, "Age? You hog the blankets and you have roaming hands... Sure I love having you in my bed..." I groaned.

He grinned a cheesy grin. Click. "Roaming hands?"

"Yup... I can always expect a good grope when you’re around honey..." I laughed.

"I do not grope you in my sleep!"

"Oh yes you do!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!" I laughed and took another picture of him.

"Well at least you’re getting some action then..." he laughed and stuck his tongue out at me.

"Oh you can get out of my bed right now!" I half laughed, half yelled.

"But I’ll disturb the boy..." AJ said holding onto Johnny.

"You can take the boy with you... out of my bed, McLean." I pushed him toward the edge of the bed giggling.

"No... it’s cold!"

"Put some clothes on then! Out!"

"Kelll..." he whined still holding Johnny and fighting to stay on the bed.

"No... you dis my love life and expect me to let your bony ass stay in my bed? I don’t think so..." With one final shove I pushed him off of the bed and he fell to the floor with a thud. I covered my mouth with my hand and held back a chuckle not having meant to succeed in pushing him off the bed. When he didn’t pop back up I crawled to the edge of the bed and laid on my stomach hanging my head over the edge looking down at him. "Age?" I chuckled as he lay on his back looking up at me.

"You pushed me off of the bed..."

"I’m sorry?"

"You pushed me off of the bed..."

"I love you?"

"You PUSHED me... off of the BED..."

I laughed, "I’m highly medicated..."

He chuckled and sat up, "If you weren’t sick you know I’d be torturing your ass right now don’t you?"

"Yup..." I smiled laying my head down on the bed.

"You also know that I’ll be getting you back once you’re well right?"

"Yup..."

"You know I’m gunna make you breakfast now too?"

I smiled, "I was hoping..."

AJ stood on his knees and kissed my cheek, "Stay in bed and rest, I’ll bring it in to you..." He grabbed my camera and aimed it at me as I rolled onto my back and wrapped the blankets around me. "Smile girlie..." I looked up at him making a kissy face and he took the picture.

Click.

"Title?" I asked.

"‘Smart ass who pushes people out of beds,’" he laughed and I stuck my tongue out at him. Click. "Oh and that one... ‘The girl I love... and the tongue I’ve never had...’" He carefully placed the camera in its normal resting spot and grabbed clothes from his bag in the corner of the room putting them on as quickly as possible.

I laughed and yawned as I felt my antibiotic fog taking over again, "You can turn the heat up if you need to, Florida Boy..."

"Plannin’ on it..." he mumbled with a laugh as he zipped up his jeans and put on my cow slippers that were near the bed. I laughed and he shrugged, "They’re too big on you anyway and they’re warm as hell..."

"I will get a picture of that before you go home..." I smiled with droopy eyes.

"Oh I’m sure you will..."

geovisit();

Double Exposure

Part Four

The phone rang in the middle of one of my yoga stretches and I ignored it continuing with my pose. Breathing deeply I held the pose and felt my muscles getting loose again after having skipped working out the whole time I’d been sick. In the "Down Dog" position my ass was high in the air while my head was near the floor and the blood was rushing to my head as my arms and legs stretched. My answering machine kicked in and after my short outgoing message "You know who you called... leave a message..."

His voice came through loud and clear.  "Hello! You TELL me to call you... no wait, you DEMAND that I call you when I get home and I do and where are you? Uh huh... you think that just because you aren’t sickly anymore that you can just ignore me? Well geepers creepers I think that’s just WRONG!" I chuckled listening to him ramble and lost my balance falling to the floor. I rolled over and grabbed the phone from the couch and clicked it on listening to his rambles. "You think you can just USE me like this? I come and take care of your sick ass and get you all better and what thanks do I get? Hmph! I call and get to talk to your answering machine. I swear, Kel, I just don’t know what I’m going to do with you... I just feel so... so used..."

I smiled, "You done?"

"No..."

"Okay..." I giggled and closed my eyes as I did a stretch on my back listening to him.

"And then on top of it all you don’t even take me up and come home with me! I mean come ON! You know you love me, and you love Florida... so come HOME! Stay with me in my big ol’ fancy house and spend my money. Let me be your Sugar Daddy for a few weeks before I go off on tour... I need some lovin’ girl and YOU are the one to give it to me... I need the Kel, I want the Kel, I’ve gotta have... the KEL!" He stopped talking and I waited quietly and kept stretching. "Okay I’m done now..." he laughed.

"Oh okay! My bad... Hi, Age..."

"Hi..." he giggled.

"I take it you’re home?"

"Mmm hmm... safe, sound, and lonely..."

"AJ..."

"Kj..."

I smiled, "Honey I told you, I can’t come to Florida..."

"Yeah yeah..." he mumbled.

"I want to, but I can’t."

"Riddle me this..."

"Yes?"

"If you didn’t have any assignments to do, would you come?"

"Of course I would. But I DO have assignments. So I can’t. I’m sorry honey. I’ll try and make it down for a long weekend before you leave on tour, but that’s probably all I can do."

He sighed dramatically and I frowned listening to him, "Okay... So what are you doing?"

"Yoga..."

"You still do that shit?"

"It’s not shit and yes I still do it."

"I don’t get it..." he laughed. "But okay... if it floats your boat baby..."

I chuckled, "It floats boats alright... Just think of how good I am in bed being so flexible..."

"Yeah well I wouldn’t know now would I?" he teased.

"Roaming hands..." I sang to him.

"Whatever..."

"What are YOU doing, my dear boy?"

"Missing you..." I sighed feeling extremely guilty that I wasn’t going to be able to spend more time with him before he went gallivanting around the world without me. "... I’m also watching television."

"Anything good on?" I asked as I sat up against the couch and turned the television on with the remote.

"Not yet..." he mumbled and we both channel surfed silently over the phone.

I began to laugh, "VH1..."

He changed his channel and began to laugh too, "Oh good lord that’s horrible..."

"You were such a dork..." I snorted.

"Oh thank you..."

"Look at your HAIR!" I cracked up and he laughed with me as we watched the Backstreet segment of "Before They Were Rock Stars."

"Check out Howie..." AJ giggled.

"Oh man..." I wiped tears from my eyes as I laughed at the old footage of the Boys doing one of their first performances. "Okay and Kevin..."

"I know... the shirt! I always hated that shirt..."

"Me too..." I giggled. "I can’t believe how much you’ve all changed since then..."

"Yeah, look at Nick..."

I already was looking at Nick. He must have been twelve or thirteen in the clip and looked like a baby. So innocent, and unharmed, "Yeah..."

"Oh my god look there you are!" AJ laughed.

I closed my eyes and groaned, "Oh GOD!" I peeked through my fingers and listened to AJ laughing on the phone. The camera was on AJ as he sang to a "random girl" in the audience who just so happened to be me. Of course that was before anyone knew me as "AJ’s friend" so it didn’t seem fixed at all at that point.

"You’re too cute..."

"Uh no... I think that’s too horrible! Look at my hair!"

"I love your hair..." he laughed.

"AJ..."

"I DO love your hair..."

"Well thank you, but THAT hair is horrible! We were both having bad hair days... god and this is on national television..."

"The price of being my best friend... you show up on television as a teenager with bad hair."

I smiled, "Yeah well it’s worth it..." The show began talking about N’Sync and I began flipping channels again and I could hear that AJ was doing the same. "How was your flight?"

"Four words..."

"Uh oh..."

"Class trip to Disney..."

I chuckled, "Oh no..."

"Yeah. About 30 middle school kids, their teachers and chaperones... I got through about oh 2 minutes of the flight before someone recognized me."

"I’m sorry honey..."

"It’s okay. They were good kids actually. I had fun with them."

"You didn’t warp their minds did you, Age?"

He laughed, "No I didn’t, Kage..."

"Good boy..."

"Yeah I... shit, I’ve got another call, hang on a sec?"

"Yup..." I mumbled as I watched Univision and didn’t have a clue what they were talking about because I didn’t speak Spanish.

A few seconds later he clicked back over, "Kel?"

"Hmm?"

He laughed, "What are you watching?"

"Spanish channel..." I giggled.

"Listen, it’s my mom on the other line... she’s rambling something about the tour. I’ll call you later okay?"

"Okay, honey, I’ll be here... I’m going to get back to my yoga and then take a nap I think."

"Cool... I’ll call you in a few hours then. Don’t watch too much Univision, it’ll just confuse you," he laughed.

"Bite me..."

"Remind me next time we’re together..." he laughed.

"Tell mom I said hello..."

"I will, and she says hi too. Now go do your yoga shit..."

"Namaste’ AJ..."

"Yeah yeah... abracadabra to you too baby..."

 

Double Exposure

Part Five

I began to giggle as I walked from the plane down the little accordion hallway thingy that stretches from the building to the plane and that I can never remember the proper name for. As soon as I caught sight of AJ I ran for him and attacked him with a huge hug. "Hi baby..."

"Hey sexy..." he grinned lifting me off of the ground slightly as he kissed my cheek.

"Miss me?" I grinned cheesily and noticed people watching us.

"Don’t I always?" he smiled with a matching grin and grabbed my hand leading me towards the tram to the main terminal.

"No security today?"

"Nope..." he smiled and held my hand tight in his.

"Feeling brave eh, boy?" I giggled.

"Guess so..."

I smiled, "I sat next to a fan... she talked about you and Howie the whole way here."

"Did you tell her who you were?"

"Hell no... you think I’m crazy? I just pretended that she was telling me all sorts of things that I didn’t know..."

AJ chuckled, "I hope she doesn’t see us then..."

"Yeah me too... OH! Did you know that you’re dating Pink now?"

"Really?" he laughed. "Are we happy?"

"No cause she likes cats apparently and your dogs don’t like her cats so you fight all the time. She supposedly wants you to get rid of your dogs, but you won’t so you’re about to break up..." I smiled.

"Ahh... okay, well thanks for the warning," he chuckled.

"No prob..." I laughed as we stepped into the tram. "Oh and D apparently got drunk at Tabu recently and fell off the stage..." I laughed.

"Oh that’s true..." he giggled.

"No way..." I said, eyes wide.

"Oh yeah I was there... funniest damn thing I’ve seen in a long time..."

I smacked him in the arm, "You didn’t TELL me!? I’m hurt!"

AJ rubbed his arm, "Not as hurt as I am... damn girl..."

"Oh sorry..." I laughed and stood on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "Still love me?"

"Very much so..." he smiled and wrapped his arm around my waist as the tram began to move and I held onto the pole to keep our balance.  "I can’t believe you’re here... I’m so geeked."

I smiled and shook my head, "I’m telling you, fate brought me here cause I can’t believe I’m here either." I’d had three assignments that had been keeping me from visiting AJ before the tour... a high society wedding, a fashion shoot, and an abstract shoot of sculptures by an up and coming artist. I’d sat back and watched all three assignments crumble before my eyes. First, the bride from the wedding got drunk and slept with the best man and one of the groomsmen, so the wedding was promptly canceled. The fashion shoot was canceled when two of the models, both teenagers who looked older than me, both got sick. One developed mono, and then a few days later so did the other, which was when we found out that they’d been sleeping together. Because the two girls who got sick were the spokeswomen for the clothing line the entire shoot had to be put on hold for a few months while they recuperated. As for the sculptures... well the artist was a "nature" sculptor, and had apparently been avoiding his dog a bit too much, because the night before the shoot the dog chewed up half of the sculptures and pissed on the rest of them. The next thing I knew I was holding a plane ticket to Orlando courtesy of AJ.

"Well call it fate if you want... but I am beside myself knowing that you’re here for the next few weeks."

I smiled and winked at him, "Yeah you just wanna grope me in your sleep... I know you."

"You know you want me... don’t fight it..." he chuckled. He’d been telling me that for years and it never failed to make me laugh. "Someday, Kel... someday you’ll just admit it and you’ll ravish me."

I laughed as we stood looking for my luggage among the many bags swirling around the conveyor belt slowly. "Ravish you? Such big adult words, AJ..."

He rolled his eyes, "Oh bite me..."

"Not in public, baby..." I giggled giving him a look and reaching out to grab one of my bags. I put it down next to his feet. "You get to carry that one..."

"Oh now I’m your bellboy?"

"Yup..." I laughed and spotted my other bag. I nearly tripped over someone else’s bag trying to get to mine and both AJ and I giggled. "Shut up..." I grinned as I walked back towards him with my bag in tow.

"Nope... is that all?"

"Yeah."

"Just two bags and a carry on?" he asked with a shocked expression.

"I’m not YOU, Age... I don’t carry my whole wardrobe with me. Plus..." I added with a grin. "Anything I need, you’ll buy me remember?" I pressed my body against him and licked my lips, "Sugar Daddy..."

AJ laughed and shook his head at me, "My god I’m friends with a nut..."

"Oooh I’m telling Howie you’re talking about him!" I giggled and grabbed AJ’s hand. "Come on, I didn’t fly all the way here to stand in the damn airport... Let’s GO!"

He chuckled and picked up my bag as I pulled at his hand urgently, "Yes, dear..."

Later that afternoon AJ and I were at his house hanging around the pool. I was nearly asleep floating on a raft and he was inside grabbing us drinks and humming along to the radio. I heard small plunk into the pool and giggled, "Sounds like someone fell in again." I opened my eyes and picked my head up to see Jack swimming around in circles panicking. I smiled and paddled my way over to him and picked his tiny body up placing him on my stomach. "Oh you poor little munchkin," I laughed as he trembled sitting on me. He stood up and shook his fur out and sprayed water all over my sunglasses. I laughed and put my glasses on my head then began petting AJ’s newest puppy trying to calm him down.

AJ came back outside and spotted Jack with me and smiled, "Again?"

"Yup..." I grinned and made Jack’s little paw wave at AJ. "Hi, Daddy!"

AJ sat the drinks down and walked into the pool towards us, "Jack, dude! You’ve gotta stay outta the pool geesh!" I smiled as I watched AJ pick Jack up and hug him to his chest rubbing behind the dogs little ears.

"Give him back!" I whined and held my hands out.

"Mine..." AJ laughed and turned around with his back facing me.

"AJ!"

He turned around and giggled as he gave Jack back to me. I stuck my tongue out at him and then returned to petting Jack’s wet fur as he settled back down on my stomach.

"You’re cheating you know?"

"What?"

"You’re cheating on Johnny..."

I smiled, "Yeah well Jack here is Johnny’s little brother so it’s not cheating. Plus, Johnny’s in New York and I miss him, so I’ve gotta love on someone."

AJ cleared his throat, "You can love on me..."

"Later..." I smiled and looked at Jack. "He’s a cutie, Age... Not to say that Vegas isn’t cute... but lil’ JD here is too much."

"Yeah..." AJ smiled and ruffled the hair on Jack’s head. "He’s a keeper."

I closed my eyes as the sun peeked through the clouds again and hit my face, "Yup he is..."

"So hey... When I was inside D called..."

"Oh yeah?" I smiled squinting shielding my eyes from the sun. AJ handed me his sunglasses, "Thanks..."

"No prob. Yeah he called and apparently everyone is going to be at Tabu tonight... wanna go?"

I fought the urge to ask who everyone was and nodded, "Yeah... who knows I’m home?"

"No one... I thought it would be a nice surprise..." he smiled.

"Cool..." I smiled as my mind went reeling. Nice surprise... yeah. "Um... what time?"

"Nine or ten, but I figured we’d do dinner before... so six?"

I grabbed AJ’s arm and looked at his watch, "That means I have to get into the shower, takes a long time to get the chlorine out of this hair, plus I’ve gotta get all purty if I’m going out with a Backstreet Boy." I held Jack up to him so that I could get up off of the raft and stood up facing him.

"You’re already purty..."

"Yeah yeah..." I giggled and kissed his cheek as I took Jack back. I began walking towards the steps of the pool and AJ followed.

"What are you wearing?"

I looked down at myself and grinned, "I think they call it a bikini..."

"Smart ass..."

I chuckled and got out of the pool, "Um... I dunno. Why?"

"I don’t wanna clash with you..."

"You’re too cute..." I shook my head and handed his sunglasses back to him. "Wear black... you always look sexy in black."

"Leather?"

"Nah... just black." He smiled and I blew a kiss to him. "See ya in a little while sexy..."

"Okay gorgeous..." he waved and laid down on a lounge beside the pool.

geovisit();

Double Exposure

Part Six

 

Everyone. My mind worked at top speed as I stood in the shower suds cascading down my sun-touched skin. In the past Everyone had always meant the five Boys and I… but the past was the past and I no longer knew who Everyone consisted of. I sighed as I finished shaving my legs and pushed my face into the stream of water closing my eyes. "Stop freaking out, Kel…" I mumbled to myself quietly and took a deep breath.

 

Once out of the shower I wrapped in a towel and brushed my long curls out. My mind traveled back in time and I could hear his voice in my head just as clear as it had been that afternoon, "I love the way your hair smells…" I closed my eyes and could feel his breath on my skin as he spoke quietly against my neck placing kisses on it.

 

I shook my head and opened my eyes, "Jesus… Don’t do this!" I walked into my bedroom and stood in front of the closet that my clothes were hanging in and looked through the many options for the night. "Club clothes… Florida style…" I muttered flipping through the choices and deciding first that it was too hot for leather pants and instead chose a short satin black skirt with a dangerous slit up one side. Standing in the closet wearing the skirt and a matching black satin bra I sighed trying to choose a shirt. Not satisfied with anything that was hanging before me I padded across the hall to AJ’s room and stepped into his closet. I could hear him singing in the shower and smiled as I looked through his clothes. "Shirt… shirt… shirt…" I mumbled to myself and began going through drawers. "Oooh…" I smiled and grabbed two plain white men’s wifebeaters with an idea.

 

AJ walked out of the bathroom and jumped when I walked out of his closet. "God, Kel!"

 

I laughed, "Sorry… I needed a wifebeater…"

 

"Looks like you have two…" he chuckled tightening the towel around his waist and sitting on the edge of the bed.

 

"Yeah well… you have about fifty of them in there… I think you can part with two."

 

"Whatever… I like you in what you have on…"

 

I laughed, "Half dressed? Yeah you WOULD like that…" I shook my head at him and flung the shirts over my shoulder. "Oh and, honey?" I asked spinning around to look at him.

 

"Yeah?"

 

I stepped back into his closet and grabbed a charcoal gray satin shirt and handed it to him. "Wear this one… it complements my skirt." I grinned at him and walked from the room and could hear him chuckling.

 

Nearly an hour later I made my way back to his bedroom not at all shocked that I was done getting ready before him. I stepped into the bathroom and sat on the counter watching him shave. He looked me up and down and smiled, "Damn you clean up good…"

 

"Thanks… you’re not looking so bad yourself, McLean."

 

"You cut my shirts…" he laughed motioning towards my body. I’d cut the bottoms of the wifebeaters off so that they were short and showed a little tummy action and were frayed at the edges. I’d layered the two tanks sloppily over the black bra and then slipped a small sheer black shirt, which would quickly be shed once we were dancing at Tabu, over them.

 

"Yeah but look…" I smiled hopping off of the counter and turning around lifting my arms up.

 

"Oooh I like!" he smiled and reached out to run his fingertips over the small black tattoo that I had on the small of my back, which showed when the shirts shifted.

 

"I thought you’d enjoy that…"

 

"Ahh yes… what did you call it before?"

 

"The proper accentuation of tattoos with clothing…" I smiled laughing at a conversation we’d had when we’d gone to get our last tattoos together. I’d gone on forever rambling about how the sexiest tattoos were the ones that don’t slap you in the face but rather were the ones that peek out of clothes when you least expect them to. Not to say that I didn’t love all of AJ’s tattoos, but I really enjoyed the dragons on his back when he wore a wifebeater and the tats were only partially exposed. Having to use my imagination, and wonder what the rest of a tattoo looked like when it wasn’t all being shown was a big turn on for me.

 

"Well you look good, girlie… you’re gunna knock him dead."

 

"What?" I asked looking at him with a confused look on my face.

 

He laughed, "I said you’re gunna knock em’ dead… You know, all of the men in the club…"

 

"Oh…" I sighed and fumbled with the brush on the counter. "I just thought you said… never mind, are you ready yet? I’m fucking hungry!"

 

AJ looked at me puzzled and shook it off, "Yeah come on… I wanna show you off in public…"

Double Exposure

Part Seven

I held AJ’s hand with a death grip as we walked past fans and club kids waiting outside of Tabu. AJ laughed and wiggled his fingers, "Uh, Kel... my hand?"

"Oh sorry..." I laughed and lightened my grip refusing to let go.

"What’s with the hand?" he asked as he maneuvered us through the crowd toward the VIP section. "Not that I mind it..."

"Just don’t wanna lose you..." I smiled and he squeezed my hand. The truth was I was nervous as all hell about going to the club that night. I hadn’t seen any of the other guys since Kevin’s wedding and although I occasionally would get a late night call from one of them and chitchat, things were different. We all had our own busy lives and AJ was the only one who I talked to on a regular basis. I’d worked myself up into a frenzy worrying about seeing them all again, and it was beginning to show. "Age?" I yelled over the music pulling at his hand.

"What’s wrong?" he asked turning around to look at me.

"I need a drink..."

He smiled, "I’ll get you one once we’re with the rest of the gang..."

"No, Age, I need one now..."

He looked at me and cocked his head a bit then nodded, "Yeah you do... come on..." With my hand still in his he changed our direction and pulled me through the club toward the bar. Once at the bar he leaned across it and said hello to the bartender by name. "Hey, Tony... meet my girlie, Kel... Kel, this is Tony. He makes the best drinks in town."

"Hi," I smiled and gave a slight wave with my free hand as I refused to let go of AJ’s.

"What’s your pleasure, beautiful?" Tony asked with a stunning smile.

"Tequila..." I smiled back.

"Wow... you sure you don’t want something a little less strong?" he laughed as he began pouring the shot for me.

I shot him a look, "No thanks, I’m a big girl." I looked at AJ, "You doing one too?"

He turned to face me and brought our locked hands to his mouth kissing my hand gently as he leaned against a stool making his eyes closer to my own height. "What’s up?"

I sighed and looked away from his eyes and absentmindedly searched the club, "Just nervous. I need to calm down."

He turned my face back to his, "Nervous about what?"

"It’s been a long time Age... I dunno, it’s just weird coming back home. Back to this world... your world."

"Kel, this is your world too. You’ve always been a part of this. You’ve been here since the beginning."

I nodded and smiled, "I know, honey. I just feel kinda nervous. I’ll be okay. Get a shot in me and let me shake my groove thang and I’ll be fine. Okay?"

"Okay..." he grinned.

"Shot?"

"Hell yeah... Tony? Another please..."

Tony laughed at us and smiled handing us the shots, salt shaker and lemons, "Have fun..."

"No lemons..." I said pushing the dish away.

"No lemons?" Tony asked in shock. "You sure?"

"Positive. The lemon is what makes you sick... Right, Age?" I chuckled.

"Yeah..." AJ said making a face. He’d gotten sick one night when we’d been clubbing and doing shots of tequila with the lemons. I’d warned him all night not to do it and then ended up cleaning up after him as he threw up half the night and I barely had a hangover.

"Okay... so a toast..." I smiled holding up my shot and handing him his. "To my bestest friend in the world, and to canceled photo shoots."

AJ smiled and nodded, "And to shaking our asses all night!"

I laughed and then we went through our ritual of licking each other’s hand, salting them, licking again and doing the shots.  I shuddered as the tequila burned its way down my throat and stuck my tongue out at AJ making a weird noise. He laughed and mimicked my moves. "Whoo... that’ll do it."

"Come on, girlie..." he smiled grabbing my hand again and pulling me toward VIP again.

My butterflies came back to my stomach, although they were beginning to soak in the tequila running through my bloodstream and were losing the battle. As we made our way up the stairs to VIP my eyes settled on Kevin and a grin splayed on my face. He took a double take of me and stood up grinning, "Holy shit she lives!"

"Kevy!" I laughed as he pulled me into a tight hug lifting me off of the floor.

"Look at you, girl..." he smiled stepping back to give me a look over.  "New York is treating you well..."

"Florida’s been kind to you too, baby... where’s that beautiful wife of yours?"

"She’s not here yet," he smiled pulling me in for another hug. "She’s on her way though. God, I can’t believe you’re here!"

"Did you really think that I’d let you Boys run around the world for a whole year without coming to love on you for a while first?" I chuckled.

"That’s true... you always come around to send us off... So you gunna tour with us? Finally live up to your nickname?" he teased.

I rolled my eyes, "You will never let me live that down will you?" I laughed, "God, a girl calls herself The Original Backstreet Slut once and it stays with her forever!"

"Mmm hmm..." he whispered and ran his lips across my neck gently before pulling away from our hug.  "Dance with me tonight?"

"Of course!" I smiled. "Now where’s shorty?"

“Brian or Howie?" Kevin laughed.

"Howie... I’ve gotta tease him about falling off the stage."

Kevin giggled and wrapped his arm around my waist as he looked around for Howie. "Oh... there he is... at the bar. He’ll be back though. And Brian, is out there on the floor dancing with some girl..."

I looked on the dance floor and smiled watching Brian dance. It always hit me how much I really missed having the guys in my everyday life as soon as I was around them again. "So where’s Nick?" AJ asked interrupting my thoughts about Brian and I felt my head swim a little at the mention of Nick’s name.

"I don’t know. Howie called him and invited him out tonight, but didn’t actually talk to him. Brian thinks he might be in LA with Aaron."

I pretended not to be as interested in their conversation as I was and listened while watching Brian shaking his cute little ass to the music. "Oh that’s right... I talked to him a few days ago and he said that he was going to visit Aaron for a few days. He’s probably still there. I think he said he was going to be home this weekend."

I turned around and faced Kevin and AJ. "Guess you’re just gunna have to catch up with Nick later, Kel..." AJ said and waved to someone walking by.

"Mmm hmm..." I smiled suddenly feeling as if the night was going to be okay. "So I dunno about you two, but I came here to dance. I’m going to go sneak up on twang boy down there..." I smiled pointing to Brian. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed both Kevin and AJ’s cheeks, "Miss me..."

"Always..." they said in unison and laughed as I took my over shirt off and threw it at AJ before running off to the dance floor.

geovisit();

Double Exposure

Part Eight

One great thing about having AJ as a best friend was being able to dance with him. He had a way of moving on the dance floor that was almost more erotic than sex. We were dancing, well grinding with each other, in our own little world for hours on end that night at Tabu. The music was thumping through our bodies and we moved as one. On a few occasions Kristen and I switched and I danced up against Kevin while AJ worked his magic on her, but it never failed, I always went back to AJ. Whenever we were together like that it was as if no one else mattered. We weren’t a couple, but if a guy would ask me to dance I’d always say, "I’m with him..." and point to AJ, and he’d do the same if some girl asked him to dance. It was an unspoken understanding that we always stuck together that way, and it suited us both just fine.

I can’t lie and say that when we were drinking and dancing and things got heated up that I didn’t imagine throwing my rules away to attempt hooking up with AJ. But somehow I managed to talk myself out of it each time. I’d decide that grinding up against him on the dance floor and then sleeping curled up next to him at night was enough for me. I didn’t need to complicate things with sex and romance. Romance and commitment weren’t exactly my strong suits.

Lost in AJ’s arms we swayed to a slow song together, my face buried against his chest and his in my neck. I wondered how I was going to handle having him on tour for nearly a whole year without many breaks. Usually their tours would have big chunks of down time between each leg, but with the Black and Blue tour, that was a thing of the past. They’d have down time, but not nearly as much as they’d been used to. A true world tour... I couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t actually seen the tour agenda yet, but from what I heard, it was going to be something else.

I lifted my head and looked at AJ quietly for a few minutes before speaking, "Make me a promise?"

"Name it..."

"Promise that this tour won’t pull us apart."

"Why would you say that?"

"I don’t know. I just have a feeling about this tour and it’s not a good feeling. It’s so long, Age... Just promise me that we’ll stay friends even though this is going to be a really long year and we might lose touch more than usual?"

"We’re not going to lose touch..." he smiled.

"Then it shouldn’t hurt you to promise me..." I sighed. "Please?"

"You’re serious aren’t you?" he asked taking my face in his hands. I nodded and looked away from his eyes as I put myself back into his arms and he wrapped them tightly around me. "I promise, baby..."

I closed my eyes not being able to fight the sinking feeling in my heart and tried to hold back the tears that were building. "Thank you..."

We danced quietly for a moment again and then he laughed, "You’re not getting all mushy on me now are you? You’re awfully quiet."

I laughed and looked up at him through partially tear-blurred eyes, "I may be a hard ass, Age, but yes I was getting all mushy on you..."

He pressed his forehead to mine and smiled, "Friends til the end..."

"Or until I find a better replacement..." I smiled and kissed his cheek. We’d been saying that to each other for years, and although to most people it sounded kind of wrong, it fit us perfectly. We knew what it meant to us, and that’s all that mattered.

Seconds later the music changed and once again the lights were brighter and the music loud and fast. AJ and I fell into a familiar groove dancing to the beat pressed against each other laughing and having a blast. The song was a particularly dirty one, which only served to make the way we were dancing X rated too. One of his legs slid between mine and I ground up against it loving the feel of his muscular thigh covered in soft fabric sliding between my bare legs pushing my skirt up. With a grin I turned my back to him and he pulled me back into his body, grinding against me from behind. One hand wrapped around my waist, while the other found the slit in my skirt and ran up and down my leg. I closed my eyes leaning back against him getting into the dance and reached my hands out to touch his legs, his face, and run my fingertips over his arms as his hands played with my body.

I was so lost in the dance that when a second set of hands began to roam my body I didn’t even make the connection of what was happening. Then I felt soft lips touch mine briefly and knew that it couldn’t have been AJ kissing me, for he was still behind me. My eyes shot open as I jumped back nearly knocking AJ over. I was about to yell but then my eyes fell on who’d kissed me, and I was rendered speechless.

Just as gorgeous as ever. Dressed in a blue shirt that brought his eyes out and black pants that accentuated his long legs, I stood there like an idiot lost in his presence. "I didn’t mean to scare you..." he said above the music.

AJ meanwhile stood beside me giggling like an idiot and I glared at him and smacked him, "Ow! Kel! It was funny..."

"Yeah..." I sighed giving him a look. I looked away from him and back to the mesmerizing blue eyes that I could feel taking in my body slowly. "Hi, Nicky..."

"Hey, Kel..." he smiled and stepped towards me for an awkward hug.

"You two dance, I’m beat!" AJ yelled and headed away from us.

"AJ!" I called out in panic.

"I’ll order you another drink. When you two are done come back up to the table."

I reached out and grabbed AJ’s hand, my heart racing, "But, Age, we were dancing..."

"Yeah..." he laughed.  "And we’ve been dancing all night, and we’ll dance again. But dance with Nick right now... what’s your deal, Kel?"

I swallowed hard and looked between AJ and Nick, "Uh..." I shook my head, "Nothing... sorry." I grabbed Nick’s hand carefully and released AJ’s.

"You’re crazy..." AJ laughed. "But I love ya! Have fun!" he called out and rushed off.

I watched him dart off and then was suddenly aware of the hand holding mine. Suddenly aware of the arm attached to that hand, and the body attached to it. I slowly turned to Nick and looked up to see him looking down at me. "Hi..." I said again.

He smiled, "Hi..." He let out a chuckle and looked around, "So um... shall we dance?"

Somehow I managed to nod and Nick pulled me closer to his body wrapping an arm around me and placing his hand on the small of my back. Just as AJ and I’d easily fallen into a groove Nick and I did too. The music took over and before I knew what hit me his hands were all over me as we ground up against each other. When he dipped his head down and kissed my neck I let out a quiet gasp. The combination of his warm breath on my skin, his soft hair brushing against my cheek and the way that our bodies were touching was almost too much. I closed my eyes as emotion swept over me and I ran my fingers up his back weaving them through his hair. His large hands pulled me even closer to his body and every inch of me that was in contact with him felt alive. Moving in a slow tortuous grind we interacted on the dance floor as if no one else were around. Driving me crazy with his every move I was elevated to a whole other world.

His lips moved up my neck and joined my lips with a touch so gentle it made me shiver. When his tongue slid between my lips though and grazed mine I responded by kissing him back with a soft moan. His tongue danced against mine with urgency and he pressed his body tighter against mine making my head swim. As I felt his erection forming against my body it suddenly it dawned on me what I was doing. I pulled back away from Nick wide-eyed and shook my head trying to regain my composure. He reached out toward me opening his mouth to speak and I stepped backward again, "No... I... I can’t."

"Kel..." he tried with a sigh, stepping toward me again.

"I’m sorry... for everything, Nicky. I..." I shook my head and ran my fingers through my curls nervously looking into his deep blue eyes. "Sorry..." I said again in a whisper before rushing off toward the bathroom to escape, leaving him standing alone on the crowded dance floor.

Doule Exposure

Part Nine

I could still feel Nick as I sat in the bathroom trying to regain my composure. I could taste his glorious tongue in my mouth and feel his breath on my neck and it was driving me wild. I vowed not to break into the familiar tears that were normally associated with him and instead sat hyperventilating as I took one deep breath after another. I wasn’t sure how long I stayed in the bathroom, but apparently it was pretty long, because as I cautiously stepped back into the club AJ was standing nearby with a look of worry on his face.

"Hey..." he said hugging me gently.

"Uh, hey..."

"Nick told me..." he said and smiled supportively.

Panic washed over me again and I blushed, "He... I... um... AJ, I..."

"Yeah he said you turned green before running in here. Too much tequila huh?"

I looked up at AJ blankly and made the connection of what he was telling me... of what Nick had told him. "Uh..." I muttered and my eyes drifted up to the VIP lounge where Nick was sitting with Kevin and Kristen. My eyes met his and he raised his beer bottle to me slightly and nodded. My heart broke just a little bit more and I nodded at him before looking at AJ again, "I think I need to go home. Why don’t you let me take the car, and you can have Howie drive you home?"

"No way..." AJ said shaking his head. "You’re sick, I’m not letting you drive alone."

"AJ, I’m okay. And you’re not ready to go home. Just stay and finish hanging out with everyone and I’ll go home and warm up the bed." I smiled giving him my best puppy dog eyes.

"Kel..."

"AJ..." I smiled. "If you take me home you’ll be bored. I’ll be asleep in no time and you’ll be sitting there wishing that you were here."

"But..."

"No but... You know it’s the truth."

AJ looked at me and smiled, "You know me too well. But still, Kel, I don’t want you to be alone if you’re sick."

"I’m not sick... just tired. Think about it, I was up at the crack of dawn’s ass... had to sit on a plane for several hours next to a fan, then we hung out outside in the sun, and then we danced for several hours while drinking. It’s a wonder I’m still standing."

"That’s true..." AJ giggled.

"So gimme the keys, Sexy..."

AJ looked at me and tipped my face up toward his so that he could read my eyes. I stared at him hoping that I could cover the stew of emotion brewing just beneath the surface from my encounter with Nick. He looked into my eyes and sighed, "Okay..."

I smiled and he hugged me before digging his keys out of his pocket and handing them to me. "Thank you..."

"Yeah... just promise you’ll be careful driving home?"

"Always..."

"Okay... you gunna go up and say goodbye to everyone?"

My heart beat rapidly within my chest and I looked back up to the VIP section where Nick was still watching us. I ran my fingers through my hair and nodded, "Yeah... my shirt’s up there anyway."

We made our way through the club to the others and I actually did begin to feel ill. Every time I looked up at Nick he was watching me, his deep blue eyes burning my skin. My skin was flushed and I could barely look at him. Kevin stood up as we approached the table and he handed me my shirt. "Hey... how you feeling?"

"I’m fine..." I said forcing a smile as I put my shirt back on. "Just tired I think, from the traveling, dancing and drinking." Kissing... Touching... Grinding...

"Yeah, you’ve had a long day," Kevin smiled. "Get some rest okay?"

Kevin reached out and pulled me into a tight familiar hug that I wanted to get lost in. I held him tight, "Okay."

When he pulled away from the hug he looked at me and I could tell immediately that he knew something else was going on. With all of the kidding around and flirting that Kevin and I had done over the years, we’d also become really good friends and he could read me as well as AJ could, sometimes better. He kissed me on the cheek gently and whispered in my ear, "Call me..." I smiled and he pulled back speaking at a normal level, "We’ll all have to get together again soon okay? We’re going to get as much Kel Time in while you’re here as possible, got it?"

I giggled, "Got it..."

Kristen, Howie and Brian all hugged me and said their assorted good-byes to me and then I was faced with the inevitable. Nick. If I didn’t hug him and say goodbye, someone might notice the tension between us. Yet if I did hug him I risked breaking down into tears. I looked at him and could see that he too was wondering what I was going to do. Airing on the side of keeping up my façade though I stepped toward Nick and leaned down toward him. "Bye, Nicky..." I whispered as I slid a hand over the side of his face and kissed his cheek gently.

He kissed my cheek in return and reached out to hold the hand that I’d had on his cheek. Shocked at his grasp I stood back up and looked down at his hand holding mine. He stared at me for a moment making me squirm under his gaze and then kissed my hand gently, "I hope you feel better..."

I took a deep breath and nodded as I took my hand back from him, "Thanks..." I took a step back and walked into AJ, "Oh sorry..." I laughed nervously.

"You sure you’re okay to drive?" he asked in his best fatherly tone.

"She’s fine, Bone, just walk her out..." Kevin intervened and I thanked him with a look.

"Kev?" AJ groaned.

"Yeah?"

"We’re not working, you don’t have to be the Daddy right now..." AJ laughed.

"He’s always the Daddy," I smiled and blew a kiss at Kevin, which he caught in his hand.

"Mmm hmm... I know. But I can always dream can’t I?" AJ giggled. "Come on, Beautiful..." he smiled and grabbed my hand pulling me through the club again.

~~~~~

The excuse I’d given AJ about me falling asleep quickly once I got back to the house had been pretty much true. I took a quick shower cleansing my skin of the cigarette smoke of the club. I’d hoped that the shower would also take care of the lingering feeling of Nick’s touch on me, but no amount of soap and water could ever rid me of that. I’d pulled on my "comfort pajamas" and slid into my side of AJ’s bed and didn’t even have time to overanalyze the night as I normally would before sleep took over my body. I woke up slightly when AJ got home and crawled into bed cuddling up to me, but even then the grasp that sleep had over me was too strong and I fell back into a deep slumber until later that morning.

AJ’s arms were wrapped around me and I carefully slid out of bed trying not to disturb his sleep. Successfully doing so I made my way downstairs after stopping to brush my teeth and I looked through the fridge for something to eat. I chuckled and shook my head, "Puppy food..." I heard Jack moving around in his play pen and shut the refrigerator with a smile. "Hey, little guy..." I picked him up pulling him to my chest and ruffled the fur on his head making small talk as I looked for food. "Daddy is crazy do you know that? Mmm hmm... he spends more money on feeding you and your brother than he does feeding himself. That’s why he’s so damn skinny..." I chuckled at my own statement and at the fact that I was talking to a puppy like he was going to actually answer me. I sighed and looked around the kitchen, "He’s gotta have cereal. All guys have cereal right?" I looked at Jack and he licked my hand.

"It’s in the cabinet above the fridge..." a quiet voice told me from behind.

I spun around in my spot in shock and came face to face with Nick. He was rubbing his eyes as if he’d just woken up and his hair was messed. My eyes looked him over, drinking in every bit of him. His blue shirt had been shed to reveal a simple wifebeater, which I’d previously decided was the sexiest piece of clothing ever invented for men, and his pants were wrinkled all the way down to his bare feet. I stood there gawking at him noticing his new tattoos, which I hadn’t heard about from any of the other guys, and forgot how to talk. He looked at me with a puzzled look and shook his head as if to clear his mind and stepped past me opening the cupboard that was high above the refrigerator. He looked at the cereal boxes and pulled the Corn Pops out then turned to look at me. I simply watched as he handed me the box and motioned silently to me to sit down at the table. I followed his orders and he yawned as he walked to another cupboard pulling two bowls from it before reaching into a drawer for spoons. He started to join me at the table and then stopped realizing he’d forgotten the milk and went back to retrieve it before returning to the table.

"You still like Corn Pop’s right?" he asked quietly as he poured cereal into one bowl. I watched him until he looked up at me shocking me back into reality with is blue eyes. I nodded and petted Jack who was still sitting in my arms. Nick proceeded to pour a second bowl of cereal as well as the milk and slid a bowl and spoon to me. I sat Jack down on my lap and he curled up into a ball as he settled and Nick and I ate quietly. A few bites later Nick spoke up, "He keeps the cereal up there because no one else can reach it... Figures that if he’s got a girl here or has a party and someone tries to raid his fridge in the middle of the night, at least they won’t get to the cereal stash and he’ll have something left to eat in the morning."

I chuckled, "That’s definitely something I can see him doing. Standing there contemplating where he can hide his cereal..."

"Yeah..." he smiled.  "I was with him when he was doing it. I couldn’t figure out what the hell he was doing. I don’t even think the other guys know... just me."

"And me..." I grinned and he smiled at me in return. We sat smiling at each other for a moment before getting uncomfortable and looked back to our cereal.

Several more moments passed before Nick spoke up again quietly, "I remember the first time we ate cereal together..."

I smiled as I moved pieces of cereal around with my spoon, "You were such a cute little shit back then..."

"I’m still cute..." he laughed.  "Just not so little anymore."

I continued to smile and looked up at his tattoos, "I like em..."

"Huh?"

"The new tat’s..." I mumbled as I took a bite and motioned toward his arm with my spoon.

"Oh..." he smiled looking down over his shoulder.  "Yeah... thanks. I like your new one too... I got a glimpse of it when you ran away from me last night."

Silence enveloped us again and I sighed as I tried unsuccessfully to sink my cereal in the milk. "I..."

"Don’t..." he said cutting me off causing me to look up at him again.  "Don’t give me some excuse okay? I shouldn’t have kissed you. I know the rules. I got carried away and whatever. So... it’s done."

I watched him quietly for a moment, irrational thoughts running through my head and I nodded, "Okay..." Our eyes stayed fixed, our spoons lingering in the air as we both thought words that we couldn’t say. Jack yawned and let out a little puppy sound that made us both laugh and I looked away from Nick to look at Jack. I ran my hand over his small body and bit my lip.

"Can I ask you one thing?" Nick asked quietly.

"Mmm hmm..." I said still looking at Jack.

"Do you ever regret it?"

My head shot up and I looked at him, "No..." I shook my head, "No Nicky I never regret it. I mean..." I sighed and put my spoon into my bowl. "I regret that we can’t sit here and eat breakfast together anymore without feeling uncomfortable... I regret that part... but nothing else." I sighed again as I felt tears threatening my eyes and had to look away from his eyes, "I don’t regret it..."

"Okay..." he practically whispered. I heard him pour more cereal into both of our bowls and then milk. "Cause I don’t either you know?"

I looked at him again opened my mouth to say something else but was interrupted as AJ walked into the kitchen, still half asleep by the look on his face, and sat down at the table next to me. He gave us a confused look and then looked at Nick, "You showed her didn’t you?"

Nick laughed, "She found it on her own, she knows you better than any of us..."

I chuckled and AJ looked at me, "Did he show you?"

"Dude, she was standing on a chair when I walked in. I heard her dragging it around in here making all sorts of noise, it’s what woke me up..." Nick smiled.

AJ looked at us both skeptically and shook his head as he got up and got his own spoon and bowl before looking at us both and pouring his cereal, "You wanna know something?"

Nick and I both laughed and nodded, "Sure..."

He dipped his spoon in the cereal and held it in front of his mouth, "Y’all suck at lying..."

geovisit();

Double Exposure

Part Ten

Lying flat on my stomach in the grass of AJ’s back yard I laughed as Jack stalked Vegas who was sleeping in the sun. I snapped pictures quietly as the smaller dog crouched through the grass and then leaped onto Vegas and then ran to me for protection as Vegas barked and snipped at him. As Vegas settled back down and closed his eyes, Jack wiggled his tiny butt with excitement and started to stalk Vegas again.

“You’re gunna piss him off, JD...” I whispered and snapped another picture. Jack pounced again, and once again Vegas attacked sending Jack yelping toward me. “Dude, you really need to learn how to fight back, running away like that is not cool...” I chuckled as I put my camera down and picked Jack up. I rolled over onto my back and Jack licked at my face as he stood on my chest.

I closed my eyes and the three of us baked in the sun quietly. AJ had run over to his mother’s house to help her with some project that she claimed she needed some ‘man power’ to help with. I’d teased him about how maybe Denise should have called Kevin instead, but when he’d begun to pout and guilt took over I ended up apologizing and promising to make him dinner later that night.

I’d been taking pictures to waste time while AJ was gone and somehow the dogs and I’d ended up outside in the grass. The phone rang startling me from my daydream in the sun and I answered the cordless lying in the grass next to me. “Hello?”

“Hey, Beautiful...”

“Hey, Sexy,” I laughed. “You being all manly for your mom?’

“Of course!” AJ laughed. “‘And what might you be doing, little lady?”

“Lying in the grass taking pics of the kids...”

“Aww, they being good for you?”

“Of course! They’re hams just like their daddy...” I smiled as I picked up my camera again and took a picture of Jack and Vegas who’d decided to cuddle together finally. “So when you coming home I’m booooored!” I giggled.

“Okay, Nick...” AJ laughed and I smiled. Nick had taught me how to whine like a pro years before and everyone had suffered ever since. “I’ll be home soon...”
 
I sighed dramatically and then laughed, “Okay. Oh hey, and some Richard dude called about an auction. Said you need to make sure that your items are turned in by Monday.”

“Oh fuck...” AJ sighed and I laughed when I could hear Denise in the background scolding him for his language. “Sorry, mom… Damn, I forgot all about that.”

“What do you need?”

“Oh I’m supposed to get together something that a fan would want to bid on, all the money is going to Save the Music.”

“Like one of your sweaty hats or something?” I laughed.

“Yeah… but I wanted it to be something better than that… oh well...”

“Hmm...” I said thinking out loud.

“What?”

“‘Oh...” I giggled. “I just had a thought. I’ll explain when you get your skinny ass home.”

“Is that a hint?” he laughed.

“Yep!  Hurrrrrry!’ I laughed.

“Yes, dear...”

“Tell Mom hello for me...”

“I will… I’ll be home in a little bit.”

“Okey dokey, Love Muffin,” I snorted.

“Kel?”

“Yeah?” I laughed.

“Step away from the caffeine...” he chuckled.

“Whatever!  Just come home! Bye!” I laughed and hung up the phone. I pushed myself up off of the ground and clapped getting the dog’s attention, “Come on boys, let’s go save Daddy’s ass...” I said running into the house with them on my heels and an idea in my head.

****

“Wow... “AJ said as he walked into the kitchen finding me with photos spread out all over the kitchen table.

“Hi, honey...” I smiled looking up from my project.

“Uh… I know I shouldn’t ask, but what the hell are you doing?” he asked with a smile sitting down next to me.

“Kiss...” I smiled making a kissy face toward him and leaning toward him.  He smiled and kissed me gently. “Thanks. I’m making something for your auction...”

“Really?”

“No, I’m lying,” I groaned and looked up at him with a wink. “Yeah. You said you wanted something better than a hat, and I’ve got all of these pictures of you and the guys over the years that people haven’t seen over and over again in the teen mags. I’d pay a hunk of money for them if I were a fan… Well I AM a fan but you know what I mean...”  I focused on sorting through the pictures in front of me and chose my favorites that weren’t too personal for me to give away. “Okay so these are the ones I thought I’d use and...” I grabbed my scrap paper that I’d scribbled a sketch on and handed it to him. “I want to do this. The group picture of you guys will be the blown up one in the middle, then I’ll matte the individual pics of the you guys along the bottom and sides of the group pic and leave them this size. I want you to tell me if you like the pictures though okay? If you don’t, we can pick other ones or if you have a better idea for a lay out we can...”

“Kel!” AJ giggled.

“Huh?”

“You’re rambling. It’s perfect, and I love it.”

I smiled and could feel myself blushing, “Cool… Sorry.”

He kissed my cheek again, “Don’t be sorry. You ramble when you get excited about your work. It’s a good thing. Thank you, for doing this.”

I shrugged and started making a list of supplies I’d need to finish the project, “Gives me something to do while I’m here instead of just mootching off of you.”

“Kel!”

I laughed and put my hand over his mouth before he could complain, “I know! I’m not mootching… blah blah… but you know what I mean. So you gunna take me to the store?” AJ grinned at me from beneath my hand and attempted to lick it but I pulled away anticipating his movement. “Perv.”

He smiled and nodded, “Yes?”

“Take me to the store or I’m not cooking dinner for you tonight...” I smiled as I stood up and stuck the list in my pocket.

“I suppose I’m buying too huh?” he mock whined as he stood up and took my outstretched hand.

“You’re the one who wanted to be the sugar daddy...” I grinned.

“Yeah but normally sugar daddy implies that I’m getting laid in return for spending all of my money on you...”

I rolled my eyes, “Roaming hands!”

“I’ll show you roaming hands...” he laughed and ran after me as I squealed and ran out the door toward the car giggling.

 

Eleven

I smiled as I turned AJ’s computer off and pulled a piece of paper out of his printer carrying it, and Jack, with me into AJ’s bedroom where he was lying on the bed waiting for me to come to bed for the night. "What’s that smile for?" he laughed.

"Nuthin’… " I laughed as I climbed into bed and placed Jack between us. "I just have something for us to do."

"Hot steamy kinky monkey sex?" he grinned.

"Tempting… but no. Actually it’s a survey."

AJ rolled his eyes, "A survey? You’re more excited about a survey than hot steamy kinky monkey sex with me?"

"Uh… yeah!" I said making a face at him as I cuddled up to him under the covers and we leaned our heads against each other. "Ready?"

"Mmm hmm…"

"Okay… we’ll skip some of them because they’re stupid. But basically you have to answer the questions about me…"

"Okay, hit me…"

I fought the urge to actually hit him and laughed, "Alright what was the first thing I ever said to you?"

AJ giggled and I smiled, "Oh god… that’s an easy one. You told me to fuck off!"

The day that I met AJ I was a little less than happy to be in Florida. Our family had moved across the country pulling me from my school and my friends. AJ, the little flirt, came bouncing up to welcome me to the neighborhood and I simply looked at him and told him to fuck off. I giggled at the memory and kissed AJ’s cheek, "Forgive me for being such a bitch?"

"Of course… what’s the next question?"

"Uh… When you first saw me what was your first impression? Before I told you to fuck off that is…" I laughed.

AJ was silent for a moment and then smiled, "Truthfully… I remember thinking that you had the prettiest eyes, and that I really hoped that we’d be friends because there was something about you that I was drawn to."

I picked up my head and looked at him, "No shit?"

He smiled gently, "No shit."

I covered my face and put it down on his chest, "And then I told you to fuck off… oh I’m just horrible!"

He giggled and patted my head, "It’s okay…what’s the next question?"

I picked my head up and laid on my stomach to look at the paper, "What’s one of my favorite things to do?"

"Easy… take pictures, and be with me."

I smiled and looked back at the paper, "When’s my birthday?"

He rolled his eyes, "July 17th…"

I closed my eyes, "What color are my eyes?"

"Deep Chocolate Brown…"

I grinned and opened my eyes again, "Ever had a crush on me?"

"Still do…" I looked at AJ quietly for a moment and he was smiling at me.

I grinned and kissed him gently full on the lips before looking back at the survey, "Eh… I guess that’s about it. All of the other ones are too easy." I threw the survey to the floor and looked back to AJ who was still watching me. "What?"

"Nuthin’. I’m just really glad that you’re back home. I miss hanging out with you like this."

"Me too…" I smiled and cuddled back up to his body closing my eyes at the feeling of his warm arms closing around my body.

~~~~~

"These are great… who took them?"

"Kel did…" AJ beamed like a proud daddy.

"She’s good huh?"

"You took these?" Richard, one of Backstreet’s record company reps said looking at me as he admired the collection of photos I’d make up for the Save The Music silent auction. He was an older man who kind of gave off that weird "You’re looking at my chest way too much" vibe, but he seemed harmless enough.

"Mmm hmm… I’ve got eleven years of memories on film with this one," I smiled motioning toward AJ. "And I’ve been a part of Backstreet since before they even had a name."

"Wow… not many people can say that…"Richard smiled taking another glance at my chest.

"Nope…"

"Well these pictures are great. Thank you so much for giving them up for the auction. I’m sure we’ll get a nice amount for them."

"Thank you, and it’s not a problem, I’m glad to help," I smiled. I turned to AJ and smiled, "Honey, I’m going to go look around at all of the other stuff okay? You stay here and answer questions for me for a few?"

"Sure thing…"

"Richard, it’s been a pleasure…" I smiled shaking his hand. "I’m sure I’ll see you again tonight, but if not, have a great evening."

"You too Kellie, and thanks again for the pictures…" Richard smiled as I walked away.

I walked around the hall looking at all of the auction items on exhibit and listened in on conversations of people in the party chit chatting about the celebrities in the room. I took a sip of my drink as my eyes settled on a framed drawing on the wall. I stared at the picture and noticed the use of shadowing and texture. It was a beautiful drawing, which at first glance could be mistaken for a photograph. "You like?" I heard a familiar voice whisper in my ear and I turned quickly to look up into his blue eyes.

"Yeah… it’s really good. Looks like something I’d take a picture of… it’s beautiful."

"Thank you…" he smiled. I looked at him with a confused look on my face and followed his hand as he pointed to the information card hanging with the drawing.

I read it and then looked into his eyes, "You drew this?"

"Mmm hmm…"

"Wow…" I stared at the drawing again. "You’ve gotten better at this… wow Nicky…"

"It’s not as good as your photos over there…" Nick smiled and motioned toward the display of my pictures. "But it’s something."

"No… honey it’s good. All I did was push a button on a camera. This must have taken a while…" I looked at the drawing again in awe. It was a charcoal drawing of a woman from behind as she sat watching the ocean. Her face wasn’t visible, but he’d captured so much emotion in the drawing and it pulled me in. There was a sadness about her, and for more reasons than one I related to her. "Someone you know?"

Nick leaned down and whispered in my ear again, "She’s you…"

I shivered at his voice in my ear and turned around once again to look at him, "Me?"

He smiled and nodded, "Yeah… I did it from memory. This was the day after my eighteenth birthday. I remember finding you on the beach watching the waves… it was kind of cold that day because it had been raining the night before and you’d balled yourself up like that to keep warm…"My eyes drifted back to the drawing as my thoughts drifted back to that day.

I shook my head of the feelings running though my body and sighed against my own will. "It… it’s a beautiful drawing Nick…"I took a long drink from my glass and smiled weakly, "I’ve gotta go back to my pictures and relieve AJ of question duty. Um… good luck with the auction."

"Thanks…" Nick said quietly as I began to back away. "You too Kel…"

 

Twelve

"Kel come with meeeeeeeee!" AJ whined pulling at my hand.

"AJ nooooo," I whined back planting my feet and not moving.

"Why not?"

"Because I don’t belong there…"

"Bullshit. You know you’re always a part of the group."

I sighed and shook my head, "Not like this though…I’m a part of touring and shit, but not meetings."

"Kel," AJ sighed as he stood before me and looked down at me. "It’s a freakin half hour long meeting about stupid shit like tee shirts and tour books… please come with me."

"AJ…"

"KJ…" he laughed. I pouted and he smiled reaching for my camera which was sitting on the kitchen counter, "Come on…you can take candid pictures all the way there, during the meeting and everywhere else that we go after the meeting. When was the last time that you took true Backstreet pictures?"

"A long time ago…" I mumbled.

"Exactly… so come on."

Twenty minutes later I was standing beside AJ in an elevator going to the meeting with him. I snapped a picture of him watching the numbers flash above our heads and he smiled, "What do you do with all of the pictures you take of me?"

"I sell them on the Internet to psycho fans…"I teased and stepped out of the elevator as the doors opened. "Wait… don’t move…" AJ froze in his tracks and waited for me to take the picture. "Thanks…"

"No problem… but really, what do you do with them?"

I took AJ’s hand in mine as we walked the long hall through the building together, "Most of them I just keep in a big box and when I miss you I can dig through them. But I frame a lot of them… which you’ve seen on my walls and stuff."

"You should make a book… ‘My Freak AJ,’"he laughed.

"How about a Backstreet book? ‘The Five Biggest Pains In My Ass…" I smiled and he stuck his tongue out at me. "’Whom I Love Dearly…’ that is…"

"Mmm hmm… we’ve already got Andre doing another book for us thank you."

"Really?"

"Yeah… I told you that didn’t I?"

"Nope… once again you give me the shaft…" I sighed dramatically.

"Oh I’d like to give you a shaft…" AJ giggled.

"Oh you’re SICK!" I snorted and smacked him in the back of the head.

"You know you want me…" he grinned rubbing the back of his head slightly.

"Mmm hmm…" I mumbled. "Actually… THAT is what I want…" I stopped and pulled my camera up to my face again as I snapped a picture of Kevin deep in thought already sitting in the meeting room. He heard the click of my camera and looked up and smiled. I took another picture and walked into the room, "Hey stud muffin…"

"Hey sexy… come here…" he grinned and I sat in his lap. "How’s my girl?"

"Good…" I laughed as he tickled my waist. "Cut it out…" I smacked at his hands and kissed his cheek. "How’s the wifey?"

"Simply wonderful… How’s life living with Bone?"

"He’s a perv as usual… you should’ve heard what he just said to me…" I shook my head slowly. "He’s just nasty Kev…"

Kevin looked at AJ who’d sat down in a chair nearby and was listening to us, "You better be nice to her…"

"Or what?" AJ laughed.

"Or you’ll have to deal with my Kevy…" I grinned leaned my cheek against his, "Right Kev?"

"Exactly…"

AJ took my camera and aimed it at Kevin and I, we cheesed it up and AJ snapped the picture. "I’m showing that one to Kristen…"AJ laughed.

"Oh please… Kristen loves me…" I smiled and looked at Kevin. "Doesn’t she baby?"

"Very much so…" I looked at AJ and stuck my tongue out.

"Shouldn’t stick that thing out if you’re not planning on using it…" Nick said with a grin as he walked into the room.

I blushed and quickly put my tongue back into my mouth and got off of Kevin’s lap. AJ meanwhile snapped a picture of me, "You’re blushing Kel…"

"Shut up…" I groaned and took the camera back from him as I sat in the chair next to him.

"You’re SO blushing!" he giggled.

"Shut up AJ!"

"Y’all fight like a married couple I swear…"Brian twanged as he walked into the room.

I gave Brian my best pout, "He’s pickin’ on me Rok…"

Brian thwapped AJ on the back of the head as he walked behind AJ, "Cut it out Bone…"

I giggled as AJ whined, "Hey!"

"Love me…" I smiled.

"Yeah…" he pouted as he rubbed his head again.

"LOVE me!"

"Mmm hmm…"

I rolled my chair closer to his and twirled him to face me, "Love… me…" He stared at me with a look that screamed challenge and I lunged at him and held him in a head lock as everyone laughed. "Love me AJ…"

"Kel… Arg… Kel…" AJ groaned as I held him and he struggled against my hold.

"Say it…"

"Kel…"

"Not that…" I laughed.

"I love you…"

"Hmm? Didn’t hear you…" I giggled looking at Brian who was cracking up.

"I LOVE YOU!"

I let go of him and kissed his forehead before sitting back down, "Love you too baby…"

The whole room erupted into laughter and by the time Howie and Richard walked into the room we were all in tears. "Did we miss something?" Like school kids caught misbehaving in detention we all sat up straight and stopped laughing as much as possible. Howie sat down at the table opposite of me and I waved to him quietly. He chuckled and waved back.

"Well Kellie… hello again," Richard cooed.

"Hi," I smiled giving Richard a wave. "I can leave if you need me to. AJ just thought that I could…"

"No… no problem. Stay, by all means…" he said with a huge grin that made me shiver. Nick let out a chuckle at the obvious flirting that Richard was pulling with me and I shot him a look across the table.

"Thanks…" I said quietly and fidgeted with my camera in my lap avoiding Nick’s obvious stare and Richard’s creepy looks. Richard began the meeting and I quickly became bored and looked around the room at the guys. They too looked bored and I was suddenly faced with numerous photo opportunities. Quietly getting up I moved around the room and started snapping pictures. The guys, used to my picture snapping, knew better than to look up at the camera but Richard stopped in mid sentence and looked up at me. "Oh…sorry…" I blushed. "I um… do you mind? I’m a ‘take pictures when I see them’ type of girl and I… I can sit down…"

"No you’re fine…" Richard smiled.

"She knows she’s fine…" Nick mumbled and smiled as he looked into his lap.

"What’s that Nick?" Richard asked as I glared at Nick.

"Nuthin…" Nick said and looked up at Richard who was clueless about anything going on. Richard continued the meeting and I stood motionless for a moment looking at Nick. Twice in less than a few minutes he’d embarrassed me, it wasn’t like him, and I didn’t like it. Struck by genius again though I started taking pictures again getting great shots of them pretending to pay attention to what Richard was saying.

Several minutes later though everyone, including me, paid attention as Richard spoke, "I do have some bad news though… Andre’s pulled out of doing the book. He’s decided that being away for a whole year on this tour is too much for him."

"You’re kidding…" Kevin said shocked.

"I wish that I were… but no," Richard sighed.

"So are we canceling the book?" Brian asked.

"Well we’re trying to avoid that… we’ve already penned a deal with the book company and they’re expecting a book at the end of this tour."

"But Andre and Kel are the only people who’ve ever been able to take good candid pictures of us," Brian said.

"How are we supposed to find someone who is good enough at such short notice? The tour is right around the corner."

"I know… we’ve already started looking for another photographer…" Richard said. "We’re looking through portfolios right now. Hopefully we’ll find someone good."

"What about Kel?" AJ asked looking up at me where I was standing behind Kevin.

"What about me?"

"You could do it… Brian said it a second ago. You and Andre are the only ones who we’ve trusted… you could tour with us and do the book."

"Age I…" I stuttered shaking my head and reaching out to hold the back of Kevin’s chair. "I…"

"You can do this Kel…" Howie said supportively. "We’ve all seen the pictures you’ve taken of us over the years and we all know…"

Richard chuckled interrupting Howie’s statement as he looked around the table, "Listen… Don’t take this the wrong way… I know you all are friends with Kellie, but we’re looking for a REAL photographer to do this book… not some girlfriend who snaps pictures as a hobby."

The room fell silent at Richard’s statement and my blood boiled as I looked at the older, balding, overweight man in a bad suit across the room from me. How dare he call me a girlfriend, and how dare he insult my abilities to do my job? "You know…" I sighed. "You don’t know me well enough to make an assumption like that…"

Richard squirmed slightly under my gaze and the guys watched, knowing better than to interfere, "Hey… sweetie don’t get me wrong…"

"Oh no…" Howie muttered under his breath.

"Sweetie? Excuse me, did you just call me SWEETIE?" I looked at Brian, "Did he call me Sweetie?"

"Yeah… yeah he did…" Brian answered as he visibly flinched waiting for my response.

"That’s strike two Dick… Your best bet would be to stop before you strike out…" I looked at AJ and shot him a look, "I’m going to wait in the hall before I embarrass someone."

I started across the room and put my hand on the door knob when I heard Nick speak up, "Kel wait…" I sighed and turned around to find him looking directly at me. He took a moment with his eyes fixed on mine before he looked at Richard, "You owe her an apology. She’s not a girlfriend, she’s our best friend. And she’s not just taking pictures for a hobby, she’s an artist. She’s an amazing photographer and if you give up the chance to get her in on this book, then you’re an idiot." Richard looked at Nick through narrowed eyes and opened his mouth but Nick silenced him by holding his hand up. "One more thing… she’s not your ‘sweetie.’ Now apologize to her…"

My heart was beating out of my chest as I watched Nick standing up for me and the rest of the room watched him intently. When Richard finally did look at me to speak I didn’t even look at him, I couldn’t tear my eyes from Nick’s. "I apologize Kellie… I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions like that. I’d love to see your portfolio if you’re interested in doing this job."

Tearing my eyes from Nick’s I looked at Richard and shook my head, "No thank you…" I looked at Nick once more quickly and then to AJ, "I’ll be in hall…"

"Kel stay…" he said reaching his hand out to me.

"I’ll be in the hall," I repeated quietly and stepped into the hall closing the door behind me.

 

Thirteen

I sat in the hallway for a while until my emotions got the better of me and tears began falling from my eyes. I was so frustrated. Frustrated that that puny little gross man had insulted me. Frustrated that Nick had stood up for me. Frustrated that I’d barely stuck up for myself. My body felt shaky and I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I brushed away my tears and began walking toward the elevators figuring that AJ would be able to find me when the meeting was over, he always did.

As I stood at the elevator waiting for the doors to open I noticed someone approaching me out of the corner of my eye and I stared down at my camera in my hands, running my thumb back and forth over the sticker of AJ on the back. "Running away?"

I closed my eyes at the tone in his voice and was unable to hold back the tears that fell as my eyelids closed. "It’s what I do best…" I refused to look at him and feeling even more frustrated wiped at my tears. "Don’t you have a meeting to be in?"

I heard him sigh and he whispered, "Yeah…" He then turned and began walking away quietly.

"Shit… Nicky?" I turned to look at him and he’d stopped walking and faced me. I blinked out more tears much to my dismay and looked away from his eyes to my feet, "I’m sorry…" I choked on my words and he stepped to me and pulled me into a tight hug. I melted into his embrace and could feel his heart beating through his chest. "Thank you.  For standing up to him for me… I…" I looked up into Nick’s eyes and lost my words as he stared at me.

The doors of the elevator opened and Nick grabbed my hand in his, "Come on…" He pulled me into the small room and the doors closed us in, alone. As quickly as the doors closed and the elevator began falling toward the ground floor Nick had pulled my face to his with his hands and began kissing me. Not even attempting to stop him I parted my lips allowing him access to my mouth and let out a soft moan as his tongue met mine and slowly moved against it. Backing me up to the back wall of the elevator Nick pressed his body against mine and moved his mouth to my neck as I gasped for air.

His hands were all over my body and I was in heaven. "Oh god," I panted as his tongue worked magic on my neck behind my ear and his hands supported the weight of my breasts squeezing ever so gently. I used my hands to force him to look at me and we paused for a moment breathlessly staring into each other’s eyes. I ran my hands down the front of his body slowly and he licked his lips. I bit my lip at the sight and looped my fingers in his belt loops pulling him to me again as his mouth met mine and again he pressed the length of his body against me.

The elevator kept falling and I remember thinking that the doors were going to open and someone would find us, but I didn’t even care. All I knew were the feelings running through my body, and they were all that mattered. Nick lifted one of my legs and began grinding his body against mine and I threw my head back in pleasure. "I need you… So bad," he whispered in my ear before tugging on it with his teeth gently.

I ran my fingers through his messy hair and sucked on his neck, reveling in the sensation running through my body as his groin rubbed up mine. "Nick…" I whispered trying to get his attention. He groaned and licked at my neck causing me to gasp, "Nick… the elevator…" I moaned. "We’re… oh god…" I pushed at Nick just in time for the elevator doors to open. We jumped apart breathing heavily and began to laugh as absolutely no one was standing outside of the elevator and the doors closed again. I reached out and pressed the button for the floor that the meeting was on and looked at Nick all of a sudden feeling bashful about what had just happened.

I leaned against the wall of the elevator again and Nick slowly crossed the space between us and my heart nearly beat out of my chest. He brushed his fingertips over my cheek and looked into my eyes, "We need to talk."  I nodded and grabbed his hand holding it tight in mine. "I mean really talk… about everything."

"I know…" I said quietly and looked away from his eyes. He squeezed my hand and pulled me into another of his tight protective hugs kissing the top of my head as we climbed back up to the top of the building quietly. I found myself wishing that the elevator ride would last forever. That we could be there alone together and never worry about anything else. I longed to remain with our bodies pressed together like that, breathing in his wonderful scent, listening to him breathe in my ear.

Slowly though he pulled away from me as we neared our floor again and just before the doors opened he pressed his lips against mine carefully, slowly, beautifully. He squatted to retrieve my camera, which had been lowered to the floor in our moment of passion and handed it to me just as the elevator doors opened. Silently we walked from the elevator back toward the meeting room and once outside of the door I sat on a couch across the hall and Nick paused looking at me before reopening the meeting room door, "Soon..."

~~~~~

"All I’m asking is that you look at it…" AJ sighed as he pushed a contract across the couch at me.

"AJ…" I sighed running my hand over Jack’s soft fur.

"Baby, it won’t hurt to read it. I know that Richard is an ass… and I’m sorry that he did what he did to you. But this book, it could be a great opportunity for you."

I eyed the contract lying on the couch between us and then looked up at him, "I’m doing fine with my career, Age."

"I’m not saying that you’re not doing well, you know that… I’m just saying that this could be a really great thing. Think about it… you’d be doing all of the things that you love to do. You’d be taking pictures, and not manufactured photo shoots, but the real stuff. All of the candid shit that you love to catch on film. You’d be traveling around the world for a year, and you’d be hanging with me and the rest of the guys. This is perfect. Just read the contract? That’s all I ask. Read it before you say no."

I knew what AJ was saying was the truth. The book could be an amazing opportunity for my career, yet as much as I wanted to do it, I just wasn’t sure if I could. I didn’t know if I could handle all that time with the guys… all that time with Nick. I picked up the contract and ran my fingers over it before looking up to AJ’s eyes. "I’ll read it… but I’m not making any promises."

AJ nearly knocked me over with a hug, "Thank you!" He placed kisses all over my face and I giggled.

"Age…" I groaned.

"Oh, sorry…" he laughed as he sat back up and I shook my head laughing at him.  "So… you gunna read it now?" he asked with a grin.

I smiled slightly and looked at him, "Can I use one of your cars?"

"What for?"

"If I’m going to read this, and really think about it, I need to take my time and not be here with you waiting like a puppy dog to hear what I decide."

"Oh…" he replied quietly.  "Well yeah… take the convertible. Keys are on the hook in the kitchen."

I smiled and leaned across the couch and kissed him gently, "Thank you."

"No problem.  Meet me for dinner at seven?"

I smiled and nodded, "Yeah… our restaurant?"

"Yup," AJ grinned.

"Okay, see you then." I grabbed the contract, patted Jack and Vegas on their heads and waved to AJ as I grabbed the keys and my bag which held my camera and my purse then headed out of the door. I pulled my cell phone out as I backed out of the driveway and hesitated for a moment before dialing the number. I drove toward the highway as the phone rang and as it was answered I took a deep breath, "Hey it’s me… can I come over?"

 

Fourteen

"Alright, let’s look at it this way… you’ve told me all of the reasons why you COULD do this book. How about you tell me why you feel you can’t do it?"

I sighed and looked across the short distance between Kevin and me as we sat in his back yard talking. I flopped backward onto the lounge I was sitting on and put my hands over my face as I groaned, "I don’t know, Kev…"

"Sure you do…" he said with a slight chuckle in his voice. "Tell me why."

I laughed and sang at him, "Tell me whyeeeee…" He groaned and I giggled. "Sorry…" I sighed again and rolled over onto my side and perched my head up on my hand. "I’m afraid."

"Okay," Kevin said quietly in his best concerned voice. "What is it that you’re afraid of?"

"Everything… I’m afraid of fucking up, of not doing a good enough job.  Of letting you guys down… I’m afraid of touring…"

Kevin smiled, "Okay let’s break that down. First of all, you’re not going to fuck up, none of us would let you." I smiled slightly and continued watching him as he spoke. "Second, I know you’ll do a ‘good enough’ job. You’ll do better than that. Those pictures that you gave for the auction… You took those pictures when you were just a kid, and they were great. Since then your work has only gotten better, so I can only imagine what amazing things you could do with this book." I looked away from Kevin’s eyes at his compliment and played with the fabric covering the cushion on the lounge. "I mean it, Kel…"

"I know…"

"Good. Now as for letting us down? Not possible. Which leaves touring…. You’ve toured with us before, what’s scaring you about it now?"

I sighed and laid face down on the lounge and hid my face. "Why do you DO that?"

"What?" Kevin laughed.

"You figure out what I’m saying even when I don’t know what I’m saying…" I mumbled against the cushion and then turned my head to the side to look at him as I crossed my arms and used them as a pillow.

"I’m just good that way I suppose…" he smiled.  "Now why are you scared of touring?"

"I don’t know… things are just so much more different since the last time I toured with you. And even then, I only toured for a month. This is a whole year, Kev. What if something happens on tour and I start fighting with one of you? You know how I get…"

Kevin smiled and laughed, "I wouldn’t let you fight with anyone, BECAUSE I know how you get."

"What if I fought with you?"

Kevin made a face at me and I rolled my eyes, "Have we ever fought in eight years?"

"No…" I pouted.

"You do realize that your reasons for doing this book are by far outweighing your reasons for not doing it don’t you?" I nodded silently and Kevin watched me. "There’s something else…"

"Yeah…" I responded quietly.

"What is it?"

"What if I lose my best friend?"

*****

I sat across the table from AJ and he was grinning like a child on Christmas morning that was waiting for the go ahead to open his presents. I smiled and took a drink, "I can’t believe you haven’t asked."

"I’m being good… but it’s difficult," he laughed.

"You can ask."

AJ leaned forward resting his arms on the table and grabbed my hands in his, "So are you gunna do it?"

I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "Answer me a question first?"

"Anything…"

"If I take this job…" I looked down at our hands and played with the silver ring on one of his fingers. "If I take it… can you promise that it won’t change us? Or at least that you’ll do your share in making sure that it doesn’t change us?"

"Kel…"

I looked up into his eyes and sighed, "I’m serious AJ. I’m terrified that I’ll accept this job and it’ll be great for like six months and then we’ll get sick of being around each other and it’ll ruin what we have. I would turn this job down in a heartbeat if you have any doubts about what it might do to us."

AJ smiled gently and held my hands in his tighter, "Do you know how much I love you?" I smiled and nodded, "Then you know how much I want you to go on this tour with us. With me… I’d never let something like a tour come between us. I know that you can do this book and that it will be amazing. But if you’re really scared of what it’ll do to us, then don’t do it. I don’t want you to be worried like this."

I sighed again and looked back at his hands, "I want to do it… I’m just afraid of what it might do to all of my friendships with you guys, but especially you."

"We’ve survived eleven years together, I’d like to think we’ve already been through the worst…" AJ and I both chuckled and I looked back up at him. "We’ll be okay…"

"Are you sure?" I asked, still not totally convinced.

"Boy Scout’s honor," he grinned.

"Honey?"

"Yeah?"

"You were never a Boy Scout," I laughed.

"Girl Scout’s honor?"

I giggled and shook my head, "You’re too much, McLean…"

"That’s why you love me, Johnson…"

"Yeah and?"

"Just stating the facts…"

I grinned and took a deep breath, "Well I’ve got two facts for you…"

"Oh yeah? Shoot…"

I leaned across the small table to kiss AJ gently on the cheek, "I love you…" He smiled and I sat back down, "… and I’ll do the book."

 

Fifteen

"You’re grinning…" AJ laughed as he walked into his bedroom where I sat in my pajamas reading a stack of papers that Richard had sent over to me about the book.

I looked up at him and laughed, "Am I?"

"Oh yeah… really big too," he smiled and crawled onto the bed next to me. "Interesting reading?"

"Uh huh…" I said as my eyes traveled over the document I’d been reading. "Listen… ‘The main purpose of this book is to show a different, more personal, side of the Backstreet Boys. Pictures should primarily be candid, non posed shots of anything associated with touring that the typical fan wouldn’t know about…’" I stopped reading and looked at AJ as I nodded and smiled, "Yuh huh…"

AJ giggled as he lay next to me watching me talk, "I haven’t seen you this excited in a while."

"I know… I don’t know what to do with myself… Look at the…uh… the…" I mumbled as I dug through papers excitedly looking for a specific piece of paper. "Oh! Here…" I giggled at myself and handed the paper to AJ, "My equipment… They’re getting me all of that stuff… can you believe it?" AJ smiled and looked over the list as I rambled, "And see the camera listed at the bottom?" I pointed and AJ nodded.

"Yup…"

"THAT’S the one that I whined about last Christmas that I wanted so bad but wasn’t going to spend the money on… And now, I’m getting it for FREE!" I laughed and pulled all of the papers into a pile and dropped it on the floor next to the bed. Then I looked at AJ and he was grinning up at me. "I’m going on hyper speed aren’t I?"

"You’re practically panting, yeah. "

I cracked up and sat on my knees bouncing the bed beneath me and wiggling AJ with my hand, "Be happy with ME!"

"I AM happy with you…"

I sighed and rolled my eyes, "No you’re not. You’re just lying there like a bum… Come on…" I pushed at his body and shook him a bit.

He smiled and shook his head, "What do you want me to do?"

"I dunno… play with me…"

"Play with you? How old are we now?"

"Oh don’t give me that age bullshit… play or I’ll torture you." I gave him by best evil eye in between giggles and he laughed but didn’t attempt to move. "You sick bastard you WANT me to torture you don’t you?" I promptly jumped on AJ and straddled his waist and looked down at him with a grin.

"Torture me, baby…" he laughed and ran his hands up my thighs to my hips.

"Perv…" I groaned pushing his hands off of me and placed them back on the bed.

"Yes?" he grinned.

"Torture huh?" AJ nodded and I put a finger on my chin. "Hmm… what could I do to torture you?"

"Have sex with me, you know I’m not attracted to you at all, so it would be pure torture…" he laughed.

"Yuh huh…" I groaned and mocked him, "You know you want me, don’t fight it."

"That’s MY line…"

"Well this is MY happy night and MY game so I make the rules. And since you won’t play, I get to torture you."

"You’re certifiably insane… did you mention that to Richard when you took the job?"

"Yup…"

"And did you tell him all about your medication?"

"My happy pills?" I laughed.

"Yeah… happy pills."

"Mmm mmm…"

"Apparently you took too many today though right?"

"What crawled up your ass tonight, Bone? I’m HAPPY! Be happy with me…" I sighed dramatically and shrugged, "Fine… torture time…" I bent my face down close to his and began placing gentle kisses all over his face and moved slowly down his neck paying special attention to his infamous popping vein and his Adams apple.

He swallowed hard as I sucked softly at his sensitive skin and his voice came out in a raspy whisper, "I thought you said that sex wasn’t torture…"

"Mmm hmm…" I mumbled as I unbuttoned his shirt slowly and slid down his body kissing his chest as I moved the fabric from his body. My mouth found its way down to his belly button and I slithered my tongue out and traced a circle around it. Inwardly giggling I noticed how still AJ was lying and I glanced upward meeting his eyes with my own before going back to the licking of his stomach.

When I reached the waistband of his boxers I paused for a moment wondering how far I should take the torture and tried not to laugh. I carefully unbuttoned and unzipped his baggy jeans and slid my fingers along his waistband. His stomach visibly contracted at my touch and I kissed it gently noticing out of the corner of my eye that AJ was gripping the blanket of the bed in his fists. I kissed my way back up his body slowly making sure to press my body against his and then focused on kissing his neck again. I used my hands to move his hands onto my body and his arms immediately wrapped around me.

I tugged on his earlobe with my teeth as his hands finally began to move around caressing my back and the sides of my body. "You know how you’ve always wondered what it would be like to REALLY kiss me?" I whispered and moved to the other side of his neck.

"Yeah…" he whispered.

"And how you’ve always wanted to taste my tongue?"

"Yeah…"

I kissed my way back up to his lips and sucked on his bottom lip gently as I ran my fingers through his hair. I paused my kisses and whispered against his lips, "I think…" I kissed him again and ground my hips against his. "I think…"

"What?" he finally sighed as I continued running my hands over his body.

"I think…" I whispered again against his lips and then kissed them softly. "That you’re full of shit because you won’t play with me and you’re not getting this tongue any time soon!" I sat up and grinned down at him for a second, "HA! Punk…" Laughing, I quickly jumped up and off of the bed running from the room and could hear AJ groaning as he stood up trying to run after me and button his jeans back up.

"I’m SO going to kill you!"

"You’ll have to catch me first, dumbass!" I yelled as I sprinted down the stairs with him quickly catching up to me. I screamed like the girl that I am when he got close enough to touch my arm and I ran faster dodging the dogs and running outside into the back yard.

I fended him off for a few long minutes, running around the house, trees, shrubs, and anything that I could hide behind, but one wrong move ended it all and AJ caught me and tackled me to the grass. Laying his body over mine he grabbed my arms and held them over my head as he smirked down at me trying to catch his breath, "You scream like a girl…"

I laughed and struggled to get away from his grasp breathing heavily, "Yeah well I AM a girl…"

"You’re a bad girl…"

"Spank me,” I laughed.

"You know what you get now don’t you?" AJ asked raising an eyebrow at me.

"A big ol’ warm and fuzzy hug?" I giggled.

"No…"

"You gunna sing me a song?"

"No…"

"Uh… midnight run to Taco Bell?"

"No…"

"I give up… What do I get?" I grinned.

"You get some of your own medicine…" he smirked and dipped his head down to my neck, quickly lashing his tongue out over my skin behind my ear. I sucked in my breath as he proceeded to use every conversation that we’d ever had about turn-ons against me. He sucked on the spot just below my ear that he knew drove me wild, he ran his tongue along my collarbone, and he kissed down the valley between my breasts.

"AJ…" I whined as my body reacted to his touch and my heartbeat increased.

"Shh…" he whispered against my skin before he ran his tongue along the neckline of my tank top over my breasts and continued to hold my hands above my head with one hand. His other hand lightly moved up my side tickling me with his touch.

"AJ!" I groaned again as I squirmed under his touch as he turned me on further. "You can’t… this… I… oh, lord…"

AJ giggled and whispered once more against my skin, "You like…"

"This isn’t fair…"

"Neither was my torture… but you’re enjoying this."

I sighed and closed my eyes as he began sucking on my neck again. I was enjoying it... a lot. The truth was, I’d enjoyed torturing him too. There was something about kissing his body and being totally in control of him that got me deep inside. Maybe it was the danger that came with mixing sexual tension with a best friend, or something else, but to have him kissing my skin in ways that he never had before was making my head swim. "You know you want me… don’t fight it…" he said quietly.

As many times as he’d said that to me before in the past, there was something different about his voice when he said it that night. Something in the tone, the way it fell so easily from his lips and wasn’t dripping with the usual sarcasm. It was soft and gentle, sensual. He stopped kissing me when I didn’t respond to his comment and looked into my eyes. I couldn’t speak. All I could do was look at him and I could see him searching my face, trying to figure out what I was thinking, but for once in the time we’d known each other, he couldn’t, and I couldn’t tell him.

"What?" he asked quietly. Still unable to form words I stared at him and he let go of my arms. I cradled his face in my hands and ran my thumbs gently over his cheeks, loving how smooth his skin was under my touch and remembering that his stomach was just as soft, if not softer. "Kel…" he said in a concerned whisper.  "Did I…" In one quick movement I silenced his words by pulling him halfway to me as I lifted my head and kissed him.

It was a kiss like we’d never shared before and if I didn’t know any better I’d say that the earth shook with it. Our lips met in a gentle yet urgent motion and he laid his body on top of mine. Then it happened. After eleven years of harmless kisses, we broke our own long-standing rule and our tongues touched. It wasn’t like I’d never had a man’s tongue in my mouth, but I’d never had HIS in my mouth and the sensation was almost too much. It was like we couldn’t kiss enough, couldn’t possibly be satisfied unless we continued to kiss. And so we did. We kissed until we were out of breath, and then lay there in the grass wrapped in each other’s arms not speaking or moving until we both fell asleep. 

 

 

Sixteen

When dew started forming on the grass beneath AJ and me wetting our clothes, we woke up. I don’t think either of us knew what to say, and so nothing was said. I stood up and offered my hand to him and gently pulled him to his feet, walking into the house silently. Once inside and at the top of the stairs I pulled away from him to head toward my bedroom and he refused to let go of my hand. I turned toward him and smiled looking up at the concern on his face. "I just need to change into dry clothes…" I said quietly and motioned to the damp clothes clinging to my body. "I’ll be there in a second…"

He stared deep into me for a moment and then bent his head down to kiss me again. I melted into his embrace as once again his kiss elevated me to another level. As we broke apart I laid my head on his shoulder and we hugged as if letting go was going to wake us up from the strange dream that we were floating about. I could feel his hands at the small of my back, his thumbs slid under my shirt and rubbed my skin gently. "Don’t leave me…"

I pulled back slightly and looked at him, my heart beating fast, and the look in his eyes took my breath away. "I…" I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his and all thoughts of coherent speech left my head. "Um…"

He took my hand in his and led me into his bedroom and looked down at me cautiously. We knew that we were about to tread new waters once again and as much as neither of us wanted to stop, I think we also found ourselves looking for signs telling us to stop. I nervously bit my lip and he ran his fingers through my hair slowly before dragging his hands down my back. Looking into my eyes he dipped his head to mine and covered my lips with his. His warm hands slid underneath my shirt and caressed the cool skin of my back, warming it with his touch. I shivered and held on to his waist as my knees threatened to give out. Slowly he backed me up to the bed and guided me onto my back and lay over me, never once breaking the kiss.

His tongue was driving me wild as it roamed my mouth in slow circles fighting against mine. When he moved his mouth away from mine I let out a quiet sigh and then sucked in my breath as he moved lower and raised my tee shirt and began kissing my stomach. My eyes rolled back into my head as he kissed and sucked around my belly button and my fingers tangled in his hair. He pushed my shirt further up my body, moving his kisses closer to my breasts and my breathing was turning increasingly ragged. I felt him hesitate and I opened my eyes to look at him. He looked up at me and I could tell that he was wondering if he should go any further.

I took the lead and pulled my shirt over my head revealing my bare skin and tossed it aside. AJ looked at me in a way that went right through me. There was so much tenderness in his eyes, almost as if he was afraid to go any further. I ran a hand through his hair again and nodded for him to go on. He licked his lips and then dipped his head to my body again kissing his way upward. As he moved up my body I gripped the bedding in one fist while my other hand rested on his shoulder. He kissed one nipple, then the other and I arched my back, wanting more from him. Taking the hint, his mouth closed over one of my nipples sucking at it tenderly while his hand attended to the other.

I felt like I was spinning as I lost myself in the feeling of his mouth on my body. Moving past my breasts he focused on kissing my neck again as he pressed his body against mine. I could barely breathe I wanted him so bad, and I began to tug at his clothes. I unbuttoned his jeans for the second time that night and urgently pushed them down his body with his boxers. Helping me rid him of his clothes I took in the full beauty of his body and bit my bottom lip. He dipped his fingers in the waistband of my shorts and I raised my hips from the bed as he pulled them slowly down my legs.

He ran his fingers over my skin with a feathery touch and then hovered over me looking down at me, "Are you sure?" I reached up to touch his face with my fingertips and nodded wordlessly then moved my other hand down his body to touch his erection. He shuddered at my touch and I slowly began stroking his length as he closed his eyes momentarily. His head dropped to my shoulder and he began kissing it while lowering his body back to mine, laying his full weight on me.

I bent my knees placing my feet on the bed and pressed my hips to his, silently telling him what I wanted and he reached between us to guide himself into me. We both held our breath as I took him deep inside. Once again his tongue found mine and we kissed deeply before ever beginning to move the rest of our bodies. When he did finally begin to move it was amazing. As he’d pull away I felt almost like crying because I didn’t want the feeling to end, but then he’d thrust back into me and fill me with the sensation all over again.

Our lovemaking was slow and quiet and our hands roamed each other’s bodies as if trying to include every inch of skin in the experience. I couldn’t get enough of him and each time he’d thrust, I met his hips with my own thrust, urging him to fill me as deeply as he could. I dug my nails into his shoulders as I squeezed him within me producing a throaty moan from his mouth. His pace increased as I continued to squeeze my muscles around his length with each thrust pushing us both toward the sweet reward of release.

When the thrill of our orgasms finally washed over us we both called out wordless sounds of love and we fused into each other. Our bodies shook at first with the release of energy from the lovemaking, and then from the sheer fright as we realized what a huge step we'd made just then. Knowing that we could never go back, we held each other close, arms and legs entwined together, and comforted each other wordlessly into a deep sleep until morning.

 

 

Seventeen

Waking up next to AJ in a tangled mess of arms and legs was something that I was more than used to. But waking up next to him entangled with his body and nude with my body still feeling the effects of him making love to me was a whole new world. I woke up that next morning wrapped in his arms with one of my legs stuck between his and my face was pressed against his chest. At first I thought it was a dream, the love we’d made. But as I took in the feelings running through my body and opened my eyes, I realized that although it may have felt like a dream, by all means it was real. We’d crossed the line. We’d broken the rules. We’d admitted our love for one another. At least physically we had...

For a long time I stayed in his arms watching him sleep. I wondered what he would say when he woke up. What he’d do when he woke up. Would he kiss me again? Make love to me again? Pretend that nothing had happened? Would he break my heart? Or would I perhaps break his? Shaking the uncomfortable thoughts out of my head I decided to simply go with the flow instead of analyzing it all to death.

I smiled as he mumbled in his sleep and I couldn’t help but reach out to touch his cheek with my fingertips. His eyes fluttered open and as his chocolate eyes met mine a smile spread across his face making my heart swell. He kissed me good morning, no tongue, and then looked into my eyes silently. I watched him watching me and then wrinkled my nose at him with a grin, "Say something…" I whispered.

"Something…" he whispered back and I rolled my eyes. He kissed my forehead and ran a hand through my hair, "Sleep well?"

I nodded and felt goose bumps form on my skin from the feeling of his fingers in my hair, "Very… you?"

"Yeah…" I smiled, not knowing what else to do or say and he pulled me closer so that my head rested against his chest again and his fingers twirled within my hair. I traced my fingernails over his chest lightly trying not to think, but to just enjoy the feelings coursing through my body. Then quietly he spoke up, "So… are we going to give ‘Us’ a try?"

My heart jumped at the question, and before I allowed my head to step into the equation I looked up into his eyes and nodded with a smile, "Yeah…"

*****

I stood in the closet of my bedroom and sighed not knowing what to wear. Looking through my clothes I hated them all at the moment and covered my face with my hands groaning. "Aaaaaaaaaaa Jaaaaaaaaaay?" I called out loudly.

"Yeah?" he answered quietly from the doorway of the closet giggling when I jumped and covered my heart with my hand.

"Jesus! I didn’t know you were right there…" I laughed and tightened the towel that was wrapped around my body. "I’m having a problem."

"I kind of gathered that by the groan and the pained ‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!’ that just blew out my ear drums…" he giggled sticking his fingers in his ears pretending to be having hearing problems.

I half laughed and half pouted, "Don’t make fun of me…"

He smiled and stepped into the closet wrapping his arms around me as I rested my forehead on his shoulder. "You’re frustrated…" I nodded silently and he rubbed his hands over my back. "What’s wrong girlie?"

"I don’t know what to wear…" I mumbled and he chuckled. "AJ!"

"I’m sorry…" he laughed as I looked up at him.  "It’s just funny to see you like this. You’re never this concerned about what you wear."

"Yeah well I’ve never been your date before either…"

"Sure you have…" he smiled.

"Not like this though," I sighed.

He tipped my face up toward his and kissed my lips gently, "You’re amazing in whatever you wear. You always are. Don’t freak out on me okay? It’s just dinner with Kevin and Kristen."

"Dinner with Kevin and Kristen where they’re going to find out about our secret romance that we’ve been having for the past week and no one else knows about…" I groaned. "Age I can’t do this…" I pulled out of his arms and walked back into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed that I hadn’t slept in once during my whole trip to Florida.

He followed me and sat down on the bed next to me, "Talk to me…"

"I’m scared." I said quietly looking at the floor.

"Of…"

"Of everything. Of Kevin not approving, of him thinking that it’s a bad idea for us to be together and touring… of him giving me that look. You know the look? The one…"

He smiled and nodded, "I’ve been on the wrong end of that look a lot…"

"What happens if he give us The Look? What do we do then?"

"Then we keep on doing whatever we feel is right because we’re adults. And we do everything to prove to Kevin that what we have is okay and that I love you and you love me…"

I smiled as I listened to and looked at him, "I never get tired of hearing you say that…"

"What? That we’re adults?" he teased.

"Yeah…" I laughed. I held onto my towel with one hand and with the other reached out to touch his cheek before leaning in to kiss him. "I love you more…"

"I love you more…" he mumbled against my lips and then laughed.  "Especially when you’re half naked… why don’t you let go of that towel?"

I shook my head and scooted away from him, "Nope. I’m not that kind of girl…" I stood up and walked back into the closet grinning. "Plus I have a dinner date to get ready for…"

*****

"So…" Kevin said as he followed me into his kitchen as he and I cleared the dirty dishes while Kristen and AJ picked out new CD’s to put into the stereo.

"So…" I laughed and refused to look at him busying myself with loading the dishes into the dishwasher instead.

"What’s going on?"

"Loading dishes… that’s how they get clean. See this is called a dishwasher and it’s used to wash dishes… it’s a great invention really, " I grinned and he smiled but then gave me a look. It wasn’t The Look, but it was enough to make me flinch. I loaded the last dish into the dishwasher and closed it, locking it as I spoke quietly, "We’re together…"

I was too chicken shit too look at him, and decided to wait for a response before looking back into his eyes. When I didn’t get one though I took a slow breath and cautiously looked up at him expecting to see The Look. Instead he cracked a grin and laughed, "It’s about fucking time…"

My mouth fell open and I looked at him in amazement, "You’re kidding…"

"No I’m not kidding… It’s about time you two stopped fighting it. Come here…" he held his arms out and I stepped into them to hug him. He wrapped me in one of his warm comforting big brother hugs that always made everything feel better and I smiled. "Congratulations…"

"Thanks…" I said quietly as I suddenly felt the urge to cry and wasn’t sure why.

Kevin, as usual, sensed the change in me and pulled back to look into my eyes, "Uh oh…" I sighed and closed my eyes as he pulled me close again. "What’s wrong?"

I held tight to his body, not really knowing why all of a sudden I was overcome with emotion. A few tears managed to seep from my eyes and I wiped at them before pulling away from the hug and shrugging, "I don’t know. All of a sudden I just got all… I don’t know…"

"You’re happy with him right?" he asked cautiously.

I nodded, "Yeah… very… I mean he’s my best friend and I love him, and he loves me and its damn near perfect."

"Scary though…" I nodded again. "And now that you’ve told me, it makes it real…" Again I nodded as I closed my eyes and fresh tears formed in my eyes. "I know that feeling. When Kristen and I made our relationship public, I was a mess. I was so in love with her and I wanted so badly to be able to tell the world that I loved her. But there was a part of me that kept thinking that if we kept our relationship a secret and things didn’t work out, then I wouldn’t have to share that with everyone too. But if everyone knew about us and we broke up, then everyone would see it and would know what was going on."

"Then everyone sees that you failed…" I added and he nodded.  “Kev, you know how shitty my track record with relationships is…”

“Sure, but this is different.  You’re not just with any guy…” He wiped my cheeks with his thumbs and smiled, "But the plus side of being public… is that you don’t have to hide the good things. Like when you just out of the blue feel like kissing him, you can. And if he wants to hold your hand or tell you that he loves you… he can. At least in front of me and Kristen… I’m assuming that we’re the first to know?"

"Yeah, we’ve been pretty much hiding out at the house trying to get used to the idea of ‘Us’ on our own before we told anyone else."

"So now that I’m done… who’s next?"

My heart caught in my throat and I tried to hide the emotion in my voice as I spoke looking away from his eyes, "Nick…"

 

Eighteen

I woke up one morning to the sound of Jack and Vegas wrestling each other on the floor of AJ’s bedroom. Their little growls in between yelps and thuds on the floor while although humorous, pulled me out of a deep comfortable slumber and I wasn’t amused at that. I whined and covered my head with a pillow trying to muffle the puppy sounds so that I could go back into my happy sleep world, but it didn’t work. Picking my head up I looked toward AJ’s side of the bed to whine and then stopped when I realized that he wasn’t there. I’m sure the look on my face was priceless as I lay there on my stomach looking at his empty side of the bed. I couldn’t figure out when he’d left. I vaguely remembered him kissing my forehead and telling me that he was going somewhere, but I assumed it was a dream.

Apparently it wasn’t a dream though and I rolled over and sat up looking around the room with a yawn. "Hey!" I finally called out in frustration to the dogs and they stopped their WWF imitation and looked up at the bed. "Cut it out…" Jack wagged his tiny puppy butt and attempted to jump up onto the bed yet fell short and I shook my head and leaned over the edge of the bed to pick him up. "Where the hell did Daddy go? Huh?" He just looked at me with his little pink tongue hanging out of his mouth as he panted and I shook my head. "You’re useless…"

I racked my brain on where AJ was as I got up to take a shower and had pretty much decided that I’d had entirely too much to drink the night before because I simply couldn’t remember anything that he’d said to me when he’d left that morning. Once dry and dressed I made my way downstairs and sat down at the kitchen table jotting down ideas for the Backstreet book, and making lists of things that I still needed to do before we left on tour.

I made a list of things that I knew in my head that I wanted to make sure to capture on film for the book. I played with the idea of having a section for each of the Boys doing the same thing over and over. Like Howie winking, or Brian making a certain face. I giggled to myself wondering how many times in the first week of touring that I could catch AJ thrusting his hips at something or someone. I lost myself making notes and doodling along side of them while Jack and Vegas napped near my feet and I ran my bare toes over their fur. When the telephone rang interrupting my thoughts I got up to answer it giggling at how I’d jumped at the sound of the phone.

"What’s so funny?" AJ laughed at the sound of my giggle.

"You…" I smiled and leaned up against the counter.

"Me?"

"Yeah… it’s a complicated story and I’m hung over so I’m not going to explain."

"Oh okay then…" he giggled and I smiled.  "How are you?"

"I’m alright, and yourself?"

"Not too shabby… Missing you though." A familiar rush of love surged through my body and I closed my eyes listening to him. "What are you up to?"

"Working on ideas for the book. Baby? Where the hell are you?"

He laughed loudly, "I didn’t think you were really awake when I left… I’m in my car."

"And where might your car be smart ass?"

"On the highway…" he chuckled.

"AJ…" I sighed.

"Sorry… I’m on my way to meet my mom for that interview with People magazine remember?"

I rubbed my forehead as things started making sense. "That’s today. God, whatever you gave me to drink last night, don’t give me again. I can barely remember my own name right now…"

"Why don’t you go back to bed then? I won’t be home for another few hours. I’m about half way to Orlando right now and the interview I’m guessing will be at least three hours with all of the pictures and shit. Get some rest, then I’ll come home and we can have dinner together and watch movies all night or something."

"Age?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah baby…"

"Tell me again why you’re not already in Orlando?"

"Oh shit, you ARE out of it…" he giggled. "I was with Nick. Remember I told you that he and I had made plans to hang out in the studio for a few hours working on that song that I want to put on the Johnny CD?"

"You were with Nick?"

"Yep… oh, and Kel?  I know that we were going to tell all of the guys about us while we were together, but I kind of let it slip today with Nick."

"You told him about us?" I asked as my heart began beating rapidly.

"Yeah. He asked me why I was so hyper and made a crack about how I must have gotten laid and when I didn’t argue he asked who and I just blurted it out."

My eyes closed and I shook my head not believing what I was hearing, "He… What… How did he react?"

"He was alright. I think a little shocked, but nothing major."

Nothing major my ass. "What did he say though?" I sighed running my hand through my wet hair.

"I don’t know, baby… he just said it was cool."

"How? Did he say ‘That’s cool…’ or just ‘Cool’?"

"Baby, go back to bed… he’s cool with it."

"AJ I need to know how he said it. You know just as well as I do that Nicky doesn’t always say what he feels. And because I wasn’t there to read his answer, I don’t…" I sighed and took a deep breath. "How did he say it?"

He was silent for a moment and then spoke gently, "I think he said ‘Cool… that’s good for you… congratulations, she’s a great girl.’ Or something along those lines. I’m sorry that I didn’t wait for you... I…"

"It’s okay…" I said quietly.

"You alright?"

I nodded as if he could see me and closed my eyes knowing full well that I wasn’t okay. "Yeah… I’ve just got a lot on my mind I guess. I was thinking about getting out of the house this afternoon. You know, enjoy my freedom a bit before I’ve got a bodyguard all of a sudden."

"Yeah, that’s a good idea. Get some rest too though okay?"

"I will… If I’m not back before you get home, you can pick out the movies okay?"

I could practically hear his smile through the phone, "Okay…"

"Tell mom I said hi too… and treat the photographer good…"

"Always. I love you, baby…"

"I love you too…" I hung up the phone and fell back into my chair at the table with a thud. My heart felt heavy and I picked up my pen twirling it between my fingers as I stared out of the window. I shook my head trying to clear it of thoughts of Nick and looked back down to my notebook but sighed as I saw his name. When AJ had called I’d been on the list of Nick things I wanted to get on film and as my eyes re-read the items, tears filled my eyes. I’m not sure how long I sat there crying, and part of me didn’t even know why I was crying. But after a while I forced myself to stop the tears and stood up grabbing a set of keys from AJ’s collection, and headed out to the car, stopping only momentarily to grab my things.

 

Nineteen

The thought that Nick might not be there after I made the long drive from Orlando to Tampa didn’t enter my head until I pulled onto his street. I’d been so lost in my own thoughts that I made the drive on auto pilot and it never once dawned on me that he might not be there. All I knew was that after he’d heard about my relationship with AJ in the manner that he had, I needed to talk to him in person.

I let out a sigh of relief when I pulled into the driveway behind his car. I took a deep breath and got out of AJ’s Blazer and walked slowly up to the door trying to figure out what to say. After ringing the doorbell I waited as I heard Nick’s dogs running around barking. I fiddled with the keys in my hand and practically held my breath waiting for him to answer. When he didn’t, I looked through the small window that ran along side the door. 

He was sitting on the couch with his head tipped up looking at the ceiling. I knew that he couldn’t possibly be sleeping with the doorbell ringing and with the dogs barking like they were. I tried knocking on the door while looking through the window and saw him reach for a glass and take a drink before settling back into his original position on the couch.

I sighed and closed my eyes not knowing what to do. I looked around the yard and rang the doorbell again. Still nothing. He simply sat there ignoring the door and the dogs. I ran my fingers shakily through my hair whispering to myself, "What the hell do I do now?" The last thing I wanted to do was to cause a scene by banging on his front door like some obscene fan, but I had to talk to him. Then suddenly it came to me and I ran back to the Blazer reaching in for my cell phone.

I dialed his number as I walked back toward the house and after two rings his machine picked up. I knew he wouldn’t pick up, but after the beep I began to talk, "Nick? It’s me. Honey, its Kel. Listen, I know you’re home. I’m the one outside ringing your doorbell and knocking. Can we please talk?" I waited momentarily looking through the window again for any movement but there was none. "I know you’re upset… I don’t blame you. I didn’t… I… Shit. You shouldn’t have heard about it that way. Will you please just let me talk to you? We have to talk about this. We can’t go on tour together for a year without talking. I need to know what you’re feeling. I mean… I think I know, but I need you to tell me. Even if you just want to yell at me… please?" Again I waited, and again there was no response. My shoulders slumped and I turned my back to the door and sat down on the front step. "Okay then I’ll talk…" Burying my face in my hands I held the phone to my ear and began to talk again. "I’m sorry, Nicky. I’m sure you’re sick of me saying that but I don’t know what else to say. But I really am sorry and I never wanted you to find out like this. I was going to tell you face to face. I never meant to hurt you… I don’t know what to say that will make this any better or easier. I don’t think there is anything that I can say. Whether we talk today or not though, you and I have to talk before this tour. We have to…"

"Why should I talk to you?" His voice startled me and I jumped up and stood looking at him as he stood in his doorway. "Why, Kellie?"

"I don’t know why…" I said in a near whisper. "I know I don’t deserve anything from you after the way I’ve hurt you time and time again."

"Yeah…" he said nodding. I bit my lip trying not to break down and cry as I watched him. He opened the screen door slowly and held it inviting me in silently. I walked into the house and sat down on the couch and he followed my lead sitting down on the opposite end. I turned my body so that I could face him and he glanced up at me, "So talk…"

I nodded and played with the case on my cell phone nervously, "I didn’t plan this. I want you to know that I wasn’t hiding this from you. When we danced at Tabu, or when we kissed in the elevator… I wasn’t with him then. I didn’t know this was going to happen. It just kind of happened and I went with it…" My voice trailed off as I ran out of words and I shook my head.

He let out a bitter chuckle and shook his head.  "You know what I want to know Kel?" I shook my head no and waited for him to go on. "I want to know if you get off on this."

My stomach flipped at the tone of his voice and I looked at him puzzled, "I don’t understand…"

"Do you get off on this…" he said again.

I sighed, not understanding what he was getting at, "Get off on what?"

He looked at me, his eyes cold, and his voice low, "Hurting the men that you supposedly love."

His words hit me like a slap in the face and I looked away from his eyes. "No I don’t…"

He let out a sarcastic laugh, "Funny… seems to me you enjoy it. I mean you do it often enough. You going to break AJ’s heart? Sleep with him and then leave?"

My fight against tears ended and I tried focusing on my phone again, rubbing my thumb over the buttons. "Keep going…" I said quietly. "Get it all out if it’ll help… Call me names, yell at me… whatever. I deserve it all."

He sighed and leaned forward putting his elbows on his knees. For probably an hour or more we sat there in silence. Nick, with his face buried in his hands, and me focusing through tears on the small phone in my hand. I didn’t know what to say that I hadn’t already said, or that wouldn’t hurt him any more than I already had, and I didn’t know what was going through his head, yet at the same time I couldn't leave. Then, after silence for so long, he spoke again softly, "Do you love him?"

I nodded, "Yeah. He’s my best friend…"

"Yeah but do you love him more than that?" he asked turning his head to look at me.

I looked up to his eyes, "I think so."

"So what was the kiss in the elevator about then? The dance at Tabu?"

"I don’t know… I…"

"You can’t tell me that it was a mistake. That you didn’t feel anything…" he said scooting closer to me on the couch closing some of the distance between us.

"Nick I…"

"If you love him so much then why are you here?" He asked me quietly, still moving closer to me on the couch until he was sitting right next to me and I swore I could feel him staring into my soul.

I looked at him with pain in my heart and shook my head, "Because I…" I sighed as fresh tears fell from my eyes. "I don’t know…" He reached out and brushed away my tears with his thumb and pulled me into a hug. I held him closely and cried into his chest, "Don’t hate me, Nicky…"

"I don’t think I could ever hate you…" he said quietly and smoothed my hair with his hand. My cell phone rang and we pulled apart from the hug. I looked down at the display and saw that it was AJ calling and my heart felt like it was breaking even more. "Answer it…"

I shook my head and set the phone on the coffee table. "We’re not done."

"What else do you want me to say, Kel? I don’t think you’re in love with him. I don’t know what the hell is going on between you and me, but I don’t think that you love him like this. I think that if I were to kiss you right now, you’d respond to it. You’d kiss me back…" I shook my head looking into his eyes. "You would…" he said quietly and leaned in toward me placing his lips to mine before I could respond. Pushing me back slightly he kissed my lips with an urgency and I pushed at his chest until he broke away from my lips.

"Don’t…"

"If I kissed your neck… on that spot that you love so much…" he whispered as he dipped his mouth to my neck and sucked on my weak point and I closed my eyes as tears slid down my cheeks. "Or if I ran my hand up the inside of your thigh…" he said as he snaked a hand between my legs sliding it over my skin slowly.

"Stop…" I whispered weakly as my heartbeat increased and my breathing became labored under his touch. His lips lit up my skin and as I tried pushing him away, I could barely find the strength.

"Don’t fight it…" he whispered against my neck and his hand moved further up my leg. Shaking my head I finally found the strength to push him off of me and I stood up backing away from the couch looking down at him with tears streaming down my face. "You felt it…"

I shook my head and closed my eyes, "No…"

"Bullshit."

"No, Nick!" I yelled startling us both. "I’m with AJ okay? God…" I sat down on the couch across the room from him and put my head in my hands. "Don’t do this to me…"

"Fine…" he said flatly. "You love him." I looked up at him and watched as he stared at his hands. "Just don’t fuck with him the way you fucked with me."

Again, his words hit me like a ton of bricks and I sighed, "I never meant to hurt you."

"Yeah well…"

"Do you understand why I pulled away from you so long ago? Do you really understand?"

"Because you were afraid…"

I nodded, "Yeah. That was part of it. But more than that… I did it for you. I know it may not seem that way, but if you think about it, really think about it... I pulled away because I didn’t want you to get hurt. I knew what being around you would do to the both of us, so I took myself out of the picture."

"Fuck that, you ran away and you know it…" he snapped at me.

"Maybe…" I whispered. "I had my reasons. Obviously you’re not ready to even hear what they were yet… so…" I stood up and picked my phone up off of the coffee table. "I’ll just go."

I moved toward the door until he stopped me with his voice, "What was your reason?"

I let out a sigh and turned around to look at him again. "I left because I fell in love with you okay? I didn’t know what it was at first, because I’d never felt it before. No one had ever gotten into my heart the way that you did. I fell in love with you and it scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t stay because I didn’t know what to do… and because I knew that it wouldn’t work. I couldn’t be with you the way that my heart told me it wanted to. That kiss in the elevator, and the dance at Tabu... the reason I can’t be in a room with you without feeling uncomfortable… it’s all because I fell in love with you. I wanted to tell you about AJ and me myself because I didn’t want to hurt you again by making you think that I didn’t care enough about you to explain things. So that’s it…" I threw my hands up in the air and shook my head as he stared at me, his eyes wide. "Is that what you wanted to hear? I fell in love with you, and instead of breaking your heart, I walked away and broke my own."

I watched him carefully as he processed my words and my heart felt like it was going to beat its way out of my chest. My cell phone rang again and again it was AJ. I’d been gone for hours and the sun was setting. I knew that he was at home freaking out wondering where I was, and yet I couldn’t answer the phone as I stood there watching Nick. The ringing stopped and I looked at the floor waiting for him to say something... anything. He looked up at me and shook his head sadly, a look of pain falling over his face, "Go home to your boyfriend, Kellie."

 

Twenty

By the time that I got back to Orlando and to AJ’s house it was after midnight. I hadn’t called, or answered my cell phone any of the times that he called. I just couldn’t do it. When the phone would ring I’d pick it up to answer it but I’d begin crying all over again and couldn’t speak. Somehow I talked myself into believing that answering the phone in tears would freak him out worse than letting him hang until I got home. All those thoughts faded though as I pulled into the driveway and sat staring at the house. I could see that the living room light was on and my stomach did flip flops wondering how in the world I was going to explain myself.

I walked in the front door quietly and set the keys and my cell phone down on the small table in the foyer where AJ stored his mail. I then kicked off my sandals and bent down to pick up Jack who was running around in circles at my feet. I hugged his small body to my own and kissed his head as I took a deep breath and stepped into the living room. AJ sat in his leather chair staring at the empty fireplace and my heart broke at the expression on his face. He glanced at me momentarily and then looked away again as I sat down on the ottoman of the chair next to his feet and looked at him cautiously, "Hi…"

"Is your phone broken?" he asked with a twinge of anger in his voice, which made me flinch. I shook my head slowly looking into his eyes. "Was it turned off?"

I shook my head again, "No…"

He sighed angrily, "Are you okay?" I shrugged and I looked down at Jack in my lap as I ran my fingers over his fur. I truthfully didn’t know if I was okay, and I couldn’t answer him. My ears rang in the silence that filled the room and I tried to think of something to say. The ever growing lump in my throat made it harder and harder to breathe though and I couldn’t even look at him in fear of breaking down into tears. "I’m going to bed…" he sighed quietly.

I closed my eyes as he stood up and my tears broke through. I let go of Jack and he trotted out of the room after AJ. I ran the palms of my hands over my legs biting my bottom lip, occasionally letting out a soft sob. My world, which several hours earlier had been full of love and exciting feelings, felt like it was spinning out of control. I looked around the living room and wiped my tears not wanting to cry anymore. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I knew that crying wasn’t one of them.

Part of me was hurt that AJ walked off like he did. It wasn’t that I blamed him for being upset with me… I would have been beside myself if he’d done to me what I did to him. Yet after all of the years we’d been friends, we’d never gone to bed angry with one another. As that thought crossed my mind I stood up and took the stairs two at a time bursting into his bedroom turning the light on. "Eleven years and we’ve never gone to bed angry. We are NOT going to start this now…"

He rolled over in bed and looked at me, "Kel… don’t do this."

"Don’t do what, AJ?" I half yelled as I threw my hands in the air. "Don’t refuse to break a tradition that we’ve had for eleven years? I’m sorry but no. Yell at me. Tell me how bad I hurt you tonight. Break up with me. Do something… but don’t shut me out. Don’t pretend that you all of a sudden have forgotten how to talk to me because you’re pissed off." I stood in the middle of the bedroom staring at him as all of a sudden I had all of my courage back. I refused to back down, and he could see it. "Say something!"

He pushed himself up into a sitting position and looked at me, "Where the hell were you and why didn’t you answer my calls? You knew it was me calling and you just fucking ignored me!"

The pain in his voice caused me to calm down a bit and I sat down on the foot of the bed. "I was at Nick’s."

My heart felt like it was going to explode as I waited for him to respond. He shook his head and looked at me in confusion, "Nick?"

"Yeah…"

"I don’t get it…" he sighed shaking his head.

"I needed to talk to him. I couldn’t stand just sitting here wondering how he really felt about you and me. I could have taken it if you told Brian on your own, or even Howie… but not Nicky. I needed to be there for that one because of the relationship that we’ve had over the years. I can’t explain it… But when you told me that you told him I didn’t think it bothered me so much, but the more I thought about it, the more it did. So before I knew it I was in the car driving to his house."

His shoulders slumped, some of the anger started to fade from him face, "Okay… but why did you ignore me?"

"Because we were fighting. Some things came up that we’d never really discussed before. Things that would get in the way of this tour… So we were hashing it all out. And when you called, I couldn’t answer."

"But when…"

"When I was in the car driving home?" I interrupted and he nodded. "I was upset.  I cried half of the way home and I didn’t want to answer the phone crying. I knew that you were freaking out wondering where I was and if I was okay. But I couldn’t do it. I just needed time to think and be alone. It all just hit me you know? The shit with Nick, the tour, this new relationship between you and me… Everything I know is changing. You’ve just got our relationship to worry about. Touring for you isn’t anything new. But I’m leaving home for a year, working on this extremely important job, I’m in love with my best friend, and I’m dealing with what that does to my other friends. There’s just so much going through my head right now and I can’t… I couldn’t… I’m sorry that I hurt you, and that I worried you. You have every right to be upset with me. Just please don’t shut me out…" I stared down at my hands and slid the ring that was on my finger on and off. "I can’t take that…"

Suddenly feeling helpless again I didn’t move or attempt to talk anymore. I simply sat there pulling my ring on and off quietly. AJ sighed and crawled down to the end of the bed and sat next to me. He reached out and pulled me into a hug, which opened my floodgates again, and I cried on his shoulder. "I won’t shut you out, baby…" he whispered in my ear as he pulled me tighter to his body. "Just…" He pulled back from the hug slightly and looked into my eyes, "Don’t worry me like this. Don’t disappear on me. Even if you don’t want to tell me where you are, just say that you need some space. I need to know if you’re okay… cause if I don’t, my head plays all sorts of games on me. I start thinking the worse, picturing all of these horrible things happening to you, or that you just decided to walk away…"

"I would never just walk away… not from you…"

He nodded, "I know. But I’ve seen you do it before with other people and I can’t help it sometimes… I’m always worried that people are going to leave… you know that."

I nodded and pulled him back into a hug. His sense of trust had been pretty warped over the years by his father, ex girlfriends, and people who called themselves his friends and then only ended up using him for his fame and then walked away. I knew that I was one of the few people who he trusted completely, and so I knew in my heart what it did to him when I didn’t show up for dinner and then didn’t answer his calls that night. Guilt coursed through my veins and I held him as close as I possibly could, "I’m so sorry…"

He shushed me and took my face in his hands looking into my eyes, "I was just scared because I love you so much… I’m sorry that I tried to shut you out. Thank you for not letting me do it though."

"I did it because I love you too…" I whispered and kissed him gently on the lips before wrapping my arms back around his waist.

"So this was like our first argument as a couple…"he chuckled and I smiled.

"I guess it was," I smiled as I played with the hair at the back of his neck with my fingertips.

He ran his hands up and down my back gently as we held our embrace and then he began kissing my neck softly. "Guess that means we’ve gotta have make up sex then huh?"

I giggled as he continued kissing my neck and began pulling his clothes off with a smile, "Oh I suppose… If we must…"

~~~~~

"Brian if you don’t stop splashing me I’m going to kick your Kentucky ass!" I groaned loudly as I attempted to lounge on a raft in Kevin’s pool. A long standing Backstreet tradition was to have a daylong cookout/pool party as a group before a tour began and Brian apparently had one too many happy pills that day and was running around torturing us all.

"You better watch out Brian…" Kristen giggled from the edge of the pool.

"Kel you’re in a pool, you’re supposed to be wet…" Brian laughed and held his hand up to smack the water at me again.

I shot him a look, "How much do you value your privacy, Brian?"

His hand fell back to his side, "Huh?"

"Your privacy. How much do you value it?" I smiled looking at him over my sunglasses.

Brian looked at Kristen and back to me, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I’m on a contract to do a pictorial book of you right?"

"Yeah…"

"And I get free range over what I take pictures of right?"

"Yeah…"

"Well… if you value your privacy you will not splash me again. Because if you do…" I grinned evilly, "I’ll embarrass the hell out of you by taking some picture of you in your skank holey underwear and put it in the book. By the second day that book is in print your ass will be all over the Internet and on Backstreet fan sites for the rest of your life…"

"You wouldn’t…"

"Wanna test me?"

Brian sighed and shook his head, "You suck…"

"Occasionally yes…" I grinned. Brian groaned and turned his back to me to talk to Kristen. I meanwhile slid off of my raft and slid up behind Brian as Kristen kept him in conversation. When he least expected it I tackled him from behind and sent us both underwater.

"Kel!" he gasped as we surfaced and he wiped water out of his eyes.

"You’re in a poo,l Bri… ‘you’re supposed to be wet,’" I giggled mocking his twang perfectly.

"You’re such a pain in the ass…" he laughed shaking his head at me.

"Mmm hmm… but you love me…" I smiled and hugged him.

"Usually…" he smiled and I stuck my tongue out at him. "So…"

"Uh oh…" I laughed. "I know that ‘so…’ what is it?"

Brian motioned with his head for me to follow him and we swam a little further away from the edge of the pool and Kristen. He lowered his voice a bit, "What’s up with AJ?"

"What do you mean what’s up with AJ?" I smiled as I tread in the water.

"Look at him…" Brian said and I looked across the pool to where AJ was sitting on the edge with his feet in the water. He was talking to Kevin who was tending to the grill and drinking a beer.

"Yeah?"

"LOOK at him, Kel. When do you ever remember him just sitting around like this at one of these parties?"

I looked at AJ for a moment and sighed looking back at Brian, "You’re right…" I chewed on the inside of my cheek and watched AJ for a little while. He wasn’t as animated as he usually was, and he’d been sitting there by Kevin for a while. "Has he said anything to you?"

"Nope…" he said shaking his head. "And while we’re at it… what crawled up Nick’s ass today?"

I smiled and shook my head, "Long story… I’m gunna go check on Age though, he’s kinda’ my responsibility now."

Brian grinned and nodded, "Yeah… and I guess Nick is still mine. Damn I need a woman…"

"Yeah you do…" I giggled and kissed Brian’s cheek and swam away from him toward AJ. When I reached him I was in the shallow end of the pool and I stood up wrapping my arms around his waist standing between his legs. "Hey, sexy…"

"Hey, beautiful…" he said quietly.

"Got a kiss for me?" I smiled giving him my best puppy eyes. He nodded with a slight smile and leaned down placing his lips against mine gently.

"Thanks…" I smiled. "So whatcha up to?"

"Nuthin’…"

"Kev… you boring AJ with the ways of the grill again?" I giggled.

"Naw… he’s torturing himself by sitting by me," Kevin laughed looking down at me, spatula in hand.

"I’m gunna steal him then…"

"Go for it…"

"Come on baby get wet with me…" I grinned and tugged at AJ’s hand. He couldn’t help but chuckle at my comment and slid into the pool dropping to his knees so that the water was up to his chest. I knelt too and wrapped my arms loosely around his neck as he wrapped his arms around my waist and put his chin on my shoulder. For the longest time we didn’t talk, we just hugged there in the water silently. I pulled back from the embrace, still holding onto him and backed us further into the deeper water where he could stand up then I wrapped my legs around his waist. His hands roamed my back slowly as he looked into my eyes and we waded in the water. "Feel like talkin’?" I finally asked breaking the silence. He shrugged silently and I sighed as I kissed his neck, "What’s wrong, baby?"

"Just thinking…"

"Okay…"

AJ sighed and pulled back to see my face, "What happened between you and Nick the other night? You said that you fought and that you were crying. Today he’s looking at you weird, and I swear every time I look at him he looks like he’s ready to explode…"

"Honey, don’t worry about Nicky… he’s just being Nick. You know how he gets when he’s upset. He holds a grudge for a little while and then he’s fine."

AJ looked over my shoulder at Nick and shook his head looking back at me, "No…"

I smiled nervously, "No?"

"No. You didn’t answer me. What did you fight about?"

I sighed and put my feet back on the bottom of the pool and looked up at him trying to figure out what to tell him. I couldn’t tell him the whole truth; it would hurt him too much to know what was going on with Nick.  About how much I still cared for him despite the love I had for AJ. Yet I knew he needed to know something. Clearly it was tearing him up wondering what was going on, and seeing that I was his girlfriend, I needed to offer up something. "You know how Nick and I were really close and then all of a sudden we weren’t?" AJ nodded giving me his undivided attention. "Well that’s what we fought about. We fought about what happened to make us drift apart and he still has a hard time understanding it, so it was really frustrating for us both."

"So what was it though? What made you two drift? I always wondered it, but never asked."

"Well…" I started, my heart beating fast. "I don’t know honey. He’s always been a little jealous of the friendship that I have with you. He valued my friendship with him because I never looked down at him like he was some stupid little kid you know? But despite that he’s always seen me as ‘yours.’ So he had some issues there. And then when he found out that we were finally together, it just pushed it that much more, and dug up his old feelings. He doesn’t really think that us being together and being on tour and working together is a good idea either."  It wasn’t a lie, just not the whole truth.

"That’s none of his damn business…" he sighed angrily.

"Honey… it’s okay. He’ll be fine. He’ll see that it’s going to be okay. He just needs a little time to cool off. Don’t make this worse than it is. Kill him with kindness you know? If we act like everything is okay… because it IS okay, then he’ll be okay too." AJ looked down at me and I took his sunglasses off of his face, "I hate it when I can’t see your eyes…" I smiled.

He smiled back at me, "I know you do." He wrapped his arms around me and held me close to his body again. "You sure it’s okay? He’s not bothering you or treating you bad?"

I managed to get him to turn around so that his back was to Nick and I was looking at him. Nick watched us closely with an emotionless stare and didn’t move as Brian sat next to him joking around trying to get him to smile. My heart hurt watching him knowing that he was feeling badly at least in part because of me. I looked away from Nick and back to AJ’s eyes and smiled, "Yeah, baby… it’s fine…"

 

Twenty-One

"Kellieeeeeeeeeeee…." AJ whined.

"Ajaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy…" I laughed. "God, baby, you’re killing me with the whining."

"It huuuuuuuurts!" I giggled and smoothed more cream on his sun burnt back. "It’s not funny…" he sighed and pouted.

"I’m sorry honey…" he flinched slightly as I gently ran my fingertips over his sensitive skin. I leaned forward and kissed his bare shoulder, "I think I got it all… any better?"

"A little…"

I crawled around his body and sat between his legs facing him and smiled, "Your face is a little red too…"

He gave me a pitiful look that made me laugh, "Why didn’t you get burnt? You fell asleep with me…"

I smiled, "Because I use sunscreen? You know… that sticky lotion you loved rubbing into my skin all day?"

"Kel…"

I chuckled, "It’s true, honey. It has nothing to do with the fact that I’m naturally darker than you are. I burn just as easily as you do with my mocha skin, as you call it, as you do with your almond skin. I just know better than to sit outside all day in Orlando without sunscreen."

He rolled his eyes at me and then closed them as I smoothed cream on his face for him, "You’re enjoying this too much."

"What?" I giggled.

"All of this… me being burnt, you NOT being burnt, the cream, the whining, rubbing it in…"

"I’m not enjoying the whining, "I laughed and winked at him. "But yeah… I am enjoying this…" I leaned forward and kissed his lips gently. "Anywhere else hurt?" I asked holding up the tube of cream.

"Just the fact that I can’t make love to you tonight…"

"Baby…" I whispered. "Junior didn’t get burnt…"

He laughed and shook his head, "I wish you wouldn’t call him Junior."

"I could call him much worse things…" I laughed.

"True… and I know he didn’t get burnt, but I can barely stand to sit here without wincing in pain. There’s no way that Junior and I can… uh… perform."

I dropped my head against his chest and giggled, "Perform…"

"Kel!"

"Sorry…"

"So no nookie tonight."

"No nookie?"

He shook his head, "Nope…"

"Not even a little nookie?"

"Nope…"

"Now it’s my turn to whine…" I sighed and he laughed. "What if we’re really careful? I won’t hurt you baby… unless you ask me to."

He shook his head and laughed, "You’re too much. Sex sex sex! Is that all you want me for?"

I nodded, "Pretty much… that and your money. Maybe a little of your fame. Oh and your friends!" I laughed and he silenced me with a kiss pushing me onto my back on the bed as his tongue slid across mine and his body pressed against me.

"Smart ass…"

"I thought it hurt your back to move…"

"You know…" he smiled thinking about it.  "It doesn’t feel so bad anymore… maybe we’ll be okay."

I pressed my hips up into his, feeling his erection press against my body and licked my lips, "Oh yeah… we’re going to be just fine…"

*****

Packing for a yearlong tour is not an easy thing to do. I found myself standing in my apartment with Johnny rubbing up against my legs purring, as I looked around dumbfounded about what to take. AJ kept telling me how anything that I didn’t pack, we’d be able to get on the road, but I just wanted my own things. I bent down and picked Johnny up, holding him to my chest, "I wish I could pack you…" I sighed rubbing under his chin. "Mama’s going to miss you the most…"

Walking over to my bed I laid down with Johnny padding his way up my body until he settled on my stomach and curled up to sleep. I stared at the ceiling for a while as I ran my fingers though his fur, and then reached for the phone as it rang startling me from my thoughts. "Kel’s love pit…" I chuckled as I answered after checking the caller ID seeing that it was AJ.

"How’s my girl?"

"Emotional."

"Talk to me…"

"I don’t want to leave Johnny, and I don’t know what to pack."

He chuckled and I closed my eyes listening to his voice, "Baby, don’t worry about packing, you know how touring is, we learn to make do with what we have. Just pack the things you know you can’t live with. Anything else, we’ll replace, or have someone ship to you."

"What about my kitty?" I pouted.

"Grandma Denise will give him all sorts of love while we’re gone. Plus, we’ll visit him whenever we have a long enough break. The first leg is only forty-one dates and then we get to come back home for a month. It’s not like we’ll be gone for the whole year without coming home at all…" he paused and listened to the silence over the line. "You there?"

"Yeah…" I whispered and looked up at the ceiling again. "I just miss you…"

"I miss you too, baby. So much… I wish I could have gone up there with you."

"I know… but there’s no way you can miss the last week of rehearsals. I’m just being whiney…" I smiled.

"It’s okay… I whined enough last week with the sunburn," he laughed.

"Yeah you did…"

"You don’t have to rub it in…" he giggled.  "Yeah I was sitting here in bed thinking about you and I decided I just had to call. I want you back home…"

"I know, honey. And I’ll be back in a few days. Then you’ll have me non stop for months on end."

"But I want you right now…" he sighed. "God… I can’t even explain what I’m feeling."

"Try to…" I pushed gently.

He paused and I listened to the silence waiting for him to talk. "I ache for you. It’s like my entire body, heart, mind and soul longs to be with you. I want to touch you and be next to you, and kiss you, taste you, make love to you, cuddle with you, talk to you… All the things we’ve been doing for the past couple of weeks. I know you’ve only been gone for a day, but it feels like an eternity. I can’t concentrate, I can’t sleep,  I keep screwing up in rehearsal. I swear Kevin’s about to kill me." He paused and laughed a bit and I smiled through the tears that were falling down my cheeks silently. "I don’t know, baby… I just feel like I finally got a hold of you, and I don’t want to let go. Not even for three days while you’re up there packing and getting ready to spend the rest of the year with me." He paused again and listened, "Kel?"

"You made me cry…" I chuckled as I wiped at my tears.

"I didn’t mean to make you cry… but you told me to explain so I did."

"I know. And you did a great job explaining it. I just…" I sighed and closed my eyes with my hand on Johnny’s back.

"Just what?"

"I never expected to ever hear someone say anything like that to me. Let alone my best friend in the world."

I knew he was smiling as he listened to me and I smiled too, "I just love you so much…"

"I love you too… and I’m hating the fact that I won’t see you for two more days now even more than I was before. I just want to hold you next to my body…"

"We can always have phone sex to tide us over while we’re apart…" he laughed.

"Sex sex sex…" I laughed mocking him.

"Oh please…"

"I wasn’t saying that I didn’t enjoy the idea… I just like saying the word sex. Sex sex sex sex sex…" I giggled.

"Uh huh… so what are you wearing?"

I looked down my body and laughed, "Dopey sweatshirt, flannel pants, a pair of your sweat socks and my cow slippers."

"Oh man… that’s so not sexy!" He laughed.

"Yeah but it’s warm…"

"How’s the weather up there?"

"Gloriously cold and snowy…" I smiled and listened to him groan.

"That’s an oxymoronic statement if I’ve ever heard one."

"Yeah well… this gloriously cold and snowy weather is exactly what you’re going to be living in soon. I do believe that just a few weeks into the tour we hit DC, Philly, New York, Chicago, Pontiac and Toronto… that means snow baby!" I grinned knowing how much he hated the cold weather.

"You’re evil…"

"I’ll keep you warm…" I smiled.

"You better…"

"You know what I just realized?"

"That you want my body?" he laughed.

"Well yeah… but I just realized that we’ve never had sex in my apartment." I chuckled and looked around the bedroom. "I’m lying on a bed that we haven’t christened."

"Damn… we’re going to have to do something about that when we’re in New York then aren’t we?"

"Perhaps…" I smiled.

"Perhaps?! Um what the hell is the ‘perhaps’ for?"

I giggled and my call waiting beeped at me, "Shit… got another call… back in a sec…" I switched over to the other line with a smile still on my face, "Hello?"

"Kel?" a quiet voice whispered.

"Yeah?" I asked rolling over to look at the caller ID only to find it to say Private. "Who…"

"It’s Nick…"

I immediately sat up in bed and Johnny raced away as I startled him out of sleep. "What’s wrong?"

"I… Well I wanted… Shit…" He sighed into the phone and I found myself with my hand over my heart listening to him as intently as I could.

"Nicky?"

He sighed again and began to talk, "I just wanted to talk to you. I was thinking about the fight we had last week and I wanted to talk to you. I was thinking about everything you said and how we… well I just… I didn’t want you to think that I hated you or anything. I just couldn’t understand. I never understood what happened. I mean I understood what happened but I didn’t understand why. And then you told me all of that stuff the other night and it just fucked with my head. You were right though… we need to really talk about this and I want to do that now, I’m ready to do that now."

I could tell by the way that his voice was coming across the line that he’d been drinking. The last thing I wanted was to engage a "serious" conversation with him while he was drunk, but I could also hear the desperation in his voice and could tell that he really did want to talk. "Okay, honey… I’ve got someone on the other line though okay? Let me get rid of him, and then we can talk…"

"Him?" He asked quickly. "Who are you talking to?"

"It’s just AJ… Let me put you on hold for a minute and I’ll get rid of him."

"No… you know what? Never mind. I shouldn’t have interrupted. I…"

"Nick…" I sighed.

"Kel, don’t okay? I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have called… I’m gunna let you go. "

"But we need to talk about this stuff…"

"Yeah…" he said somberly.  "I’ll see you at rehearsals when you get back to Florida."

"Nick, I…" the line went dead before I could finish my sentence and I laid back on the bed. "Fuck!" I squeezed my eyes shut and took deep breaths until I realized that AJ was still holding on the other line. I clicked back over, "Sorry…"

"It’s okay. I’m just fantasizing about what I’m going to do to you when you get back down here…" he chuckled.

"Cool…" I said quietly still running Nick’s words through my head.

"Who was on the phone?" AJ asked with concern in his voice.

"It was Nick…" I said shaking my head. "I think he was drunk…"

AJ’s voice was spiked with anger, "What did he say?"

"He wasn’t mean…" I sighed trying to figure out how to explain Nick’s call. "He was almost sad. Kept saying that he finally wanted to talk. But then he freaked out when he found out that I was talking to you. God I wish I were down there right now."

"So you could go talk to him in person?" he asked quietly.

I shook my head somberly and closed my eyes as I rolled onto my side hugged the pillow that I’d covered with a pillowcase carrying AJ’s scent on it, "No… so that I could be with you, and you could hold me right now."

 

 

Twenty Two

"So do you have everything set?"

"Yeah I think so…" I said as I stood in the middle of my apartment double checking to make sure I’d packed everything that I wanted to take with me while I talked to AJ on the phone. "I forwarded my mail to your house, Jimmy downstairs is going to keep my plants for me, Johnny is coming with me…" I stopped to pick Johnny up and smiled as he began to purr. "He’s all set to come see his Daddy again…"

"Aww… well I can’t wait to see him, or his Mommy…"

I smiled again, "Oh and I have to give him is kitty Valium for the p-l-a-n-e…" I laughed and AJ did too. "What am I forgetting?"

"Um… you paid your rent?"

"Yup…"

"Did you get the spare keys to your cousin so she can get in when she gets to New York?"

"Yeah I overnighted them and she called me this morning to let me know she got them. She’ll take over the bills and junk next month."

"Okay… um… did you unplug all of your small appliances?"

I laughed, "You sounded like your mom just then…"

"I know…" he giggled. "Scary…"

"Yup it is… but yeah I did unplug them."

He laughed, "Well, that sounds like you’ve got it all."

"Yeah…" I mumbled biting my lip and walking around the living room. Every time I did a walkthrough of the apartment I’d find something else that I didn’t want to leave. I knew that half of the stuff would probably end up staying in AJ’s house during the house, but I knew that he didn’t care. Plus there was the fact that during breaks from the tour I’d be staying with him in Florida, so it made sense to have some of my things there.

"Oh! Do you have your cows?"

I giggled and looked down at my feet, "Wearing them…"

"You might want to pack them… I doubt if you want to wear them to the airport."

"Why not?" I joked.

"Kel…"

"What? Why can’t I wear cow slippers to the airport?"

"Babe…"

"So are you saying that if I step off of the plane wearing cow slippers that you’ll disown me?" I smiled.

"No…"

"Good… because I don’t want a man who can’t accept me in anything that I wear."

He laughed, "Baby, I love you in everything that you wear, and everything that you don’t wear."

I smiled, "Yuh huh… and I love you in almost everything you wear and everything that you don’t wear. I love your naked body, baby…"

"Hey!"

"What?" I laughed.

"Almost everything that I wear? That’s not fair, I just said that I love you in anything. You’re supposed to say the same back to me."

"Whine much?" I giggled. "Nope, cause I don’t want to lie to you, and well let’s face it… there are a select few things of yours that I don’t like."

"Kel!"

"Yes?"

"What of mine don’t you like?" he pouted.

"You’re pitiful… I’m kidding! Why is it that you’re the girl in this relationship when it comes to clothes?"

"Kel!"

I cracked up and he whined on the other end of the line, "Stop saying my name!  I love everything about you. Oh! Well expect that slot machine suit that you wore to the premiere of The Phantom Menace… that was bad."

He laughed, "Yeah that was bad…"

"Oooh and that coat that looked like you killed Grover from Sesame Street to make…" I snorted.

"True… that was bad too."

"Oh! And the shirt from the Larger Than Life video… and…"

"Dude!  Stop! You’re giving me a complex here…"

"My bad…" I giggled as I slid Johnny into his pet carrier.

I grunted, yelled and dropped the phone as Johnny fought me and yowled at me. When I picked up the phone again AJ was laughing, "What the hell just happened?"

"Your child just scratched the hell out of my arm. Then I dropped the phone."

"Why did he do that?" he asked between giggles.

"It’s not funny, No Ass, I’m bleeding here. I was trying to put him in the damn pet carrier…" I glared at Johnny and walked into the bathroom to clean the scratches on my arm.

"I’m sorry, baby…"

"It’s okay…" I sighed as I ran water over my arm wincing at the sting. "I’m sorry I called you No Ass…"

He chuckled and I smiled, "It’s okay. I know you love it…"

"Very much so. You’re MY No Ass…"

"Yes I am…"

"Damn he really got me…" I groaned looking for Band-Aids in the cabinet.

"How about I kiss it and make it all better?"

I couldn’t help but smile as I put the Band-Aid’s over my scratches, "Okay…"

"Well then you have to come home for that…"

I threw away the wrappers and turned off the light, "I’m on my way…"

~~~~~

Stepping off of the plane I spotted Kevin waiting for me and I walked up to him grinning, "Not that I don’t enjoy seeing you, but why are you here and where the hell is my man?"

Kevin laughed and grabbed the backpack I had thrown over my shoulder putting it over his own, "He’s tied up… asked me to come get you for him."

"Who tied him up this time?" I laughed.

"I think it was Brian… could have been Howie…" he joked.

"It happens…" I smiled and reached out to hug him. "I missed you, Kev…"

"I missed you too. You’re the only one who can contain AJ most of the time. Not to mention Brian... Lordy the two of them together without you around is scary."

I chuckled and nodded, "Aren’t you glad I’m touring with you?"

"I’m ecstatic!" he grinned. "Um, Kel?"

"Yeah?"

"Why the hell do you have cows on your feet?"

I looked down at my feet and cracked up, "Oh shit… I forgot! See, AJ and I were talking earlier and he told me not to wear my cows on the plane, well kinda… So I put them on during the flight so that when he picked me up he’d see them…"

He shook his head and laughed, "Have I mentioned that I’ve missed you? You’re nuts…"

"Gotta love me…" I smiled and pulled at his hand. "Come on, let’s go save my child from the mean luggage people."

"Don’t you want to change out of your cows?" he laughed as he trailed behind me.

I looked at him and shook my head, "Nope… come on, my kitty needs to be saved…"

We walked through the Orlando airport together laughing at the weird looks that people were shooting at my cows mixed with the second glances that he was receiving from being recognized by fans. Half an hour later we were in his car headed to AJ’s house and Johnny was happily sleeping in my lap as I ran my fingers over his fur.

"Kev?" I asked quietly as I looked out of the window at the scenery passing by.

"Yeah?"

"How’s Nick been this week?"

Kevin glanced at me sideways and then looked back to the road and shrugged, "I don’t know, I guess he’s been pretty normal. Why?"

I shrugged and shook my head, "I’m just worried about him."

"Why?"

"You sure he hasn’t been a little off this week?"

I watched Kevin as he clearly processed the question and then nodded, "Well I guess he’s been a little more quiet than usual."

"Has he been talking to you at all?"

"Not about anything important… What’s going on?"

"I don’t know… it’s complicated. He called me the other night in New York though and I was worried about him. He’s not…"

"You know," he interrupted. "I did notice that he and AJ aren’t nearly as chummy as they have been in the past year or so. Thought that was kind of weird…"

I sighed inwardly and looked back out of the window as we turned into AJ’s neighborhood, "Yeah…"

"Did something happen?" I laughed to myself and thought about all that had "happened." Kevin pulled into AJ’s driveway and stopped the car. "Spill it… what’s going on?"

"You’re giving me The Look…" I smiled trying to make light of the situation.

He nodded, "Yes I am…"

I sighed and began putting Johnny back into his pet carrier. I looked at him and he was still giving me his look, "I’ll tell you…" As I spoke I watched as the front door of AJ’s home flew open and my adorable grinning boyfriend came running out trailed by two small barking dogs. I looked back at Kevin and shook my head, "I just can’t tell you now…"

AJ opened my door and literally pulled me out of the car as I giggled, "I… love… you… I… missed… you… I… love… you…" he mumbled between kissing my lips.

I laughed and grabbed his face holding it away from me, "Baby! Kiss me for real, then you can tell me how much you love me and missed me." I raised an eyebrow at him and grinned then leaned in toward him as his head dipped down to mine and his lips pressed at mine urgently. His tongue quickly and easily found its way inside my mouth and danced with my own tongue slowly. His hands found the small of my back and pulled my body against his and a rush surged through my body at being so close to him again.

Breathlessly we pulled away from the kiss and he wrapped his arms around me tighter as he hugged me and whispered in my ear, "I love you and I missed you."

I smiled from ear to ear, "I love you and I missed you too, honey…"

"Okay, loverboy, help me with this girls luggage," Kevin called out from behind the trunk. "You can grope her later…"

AJ laughed, "Promise?" I nodded and kissed his cheek, "Cool!" He bounced away excitedly and helped Kevin with my things while I pulled Johnny from the car and headed for the house.

Kevin followed me and set my suitcases down in the foyer of the house. He looked outside to check to see where AJ was and then looked at me, "We will talk about this right?"

I nodded, "Yeah, honey… I promise."

"Good…" he smiled and kissed my cheek. I smiled at him and then laughed as we watched AJ struggling to carry the last of my bags into the house while the dogs ran circles around his feet. "I’m outta here… I’ll see you tomorrow, right?"

"Definitely…"

"Bye, Kiddo…" Kevin gave a little wave and then patted AJ’s back as he walked past him, "Later, Bone…"

"Thanks, Kev!" I called out and he waved as he got into his car. I shut the door for AJ and then smiled at him. He had two bags thrown over his shoulders and then held three smaller bags in his hands. "Nice luggage, McLean…"

"Mmm hmm…" AJ literally dropped the bags to the floor with a thud and walked toward me slowly smiling as he looked at my feet and laughed shaking his head, "Nice cows, Johnson…"

 

Twenty Three

"How do you DO that?" I whined as I watched AJ successfully complete a shot on the pool table that I’d previously thought was impossible.

He smiled before moving to make his next shot ending the game, "It’s all in the hands baby…" He walked up to me where I’d been leaning against another pool table in the bar and wrapped his arms around my waist after leaning his pool sick against the table. "Gotta know how to let your fingers glide along the stick…"

I laughed and pushed him away as I began to rack the balls. "Yeah, yeah, I haven’t heard you complaining about my fingers on your stick…" Once finished racking the balls I walked back up to him and reached into his back pocket pulling his wallet out. He watched silently as I searched through the wallet for cash and pulled out several bills. "We need music, I’m going to load up the jukebox and you’re paying since you’re beating my ass at pool."

He smiled and kissed my cheek, "Okay…"

I returned the wallet to his pocket and turned to go toward the jukebox but stopped, "And don’t you dare break without me… It’s my turn."

He held his hands up in surrender and laughed, "It’s all yours, baby…"

"Good…" I smiled and stuck my tongue out at him before walking away and making my way up to the front of the bar where the jukebox was located. Standing before the jukebox I fed it bills and picked a few hours worth of music knowing that it was going to be an all-nighter. When AJ got it in his system to play pool out in public, it was never a short event. He’d wanted to get out one last time before the tour began, and pool was his natural choice.

I giggled as I deliberately chose a few songs that I knew he hated thinking that maybe if he was moaning enough about the music that his pool skills might be thrown off at least a little. "I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone enjoy picking out music so much…" I heard a familiar voice chuckle from behind me.

Turning around I met his eyes briefly with a stutter, "Nicky… uh… I… hi…"

"Hi…" he smiled and took a drink from his beer bottle before moving to stand next to the jukebox with an arm perched on top of it.

I looked back down at the jukebox nervously and continued to look for songs, "So what brings you all the way to a bar in O-Town?"

"Your boyfriend invited me."

I looked up at Nick in shock, "He did? He didn’t tell me…"

He shrugged, "He said something at rehearsal today about mending relationships before the tour began and how you and I should hang out more… get used to being together again. So he asked me to meet you two here."

I looked toward the back of the bar where AJ was, I could see him playing pool by himself and I then looked back to Nick, "How do you feel about that?"

"About what? Being here with you?"

"Yeah… and mending relationships…" I said as I pushed a code into the jukebox.

"I told you, I don’t want to fight with you. I hate not being able to talk about things with you. And AJ’s right, we need to try and fix this because we ARE going to be together so much this year." I nodded silently and chose another song. "What about you?"

"I never wanted to hurt you…" I sighed. "I don’t know how many times I can say that. When you freaked out on the phone the other night and wouldn’t talk to me, it killed me to know that I’d done that to you."

"I did that to myself…"

"No… if it wasn’t for what I did, what I’ve done, you wouldn’t have been so upset that night and…"

"And if I’d listened to you when you tried to talk to me before and hadn’t been such an ass to you we could have worked things out before then. Plus I was drunk that night that I called you. You know that. I was drunk and feeling sentimental and sorry for myself and when I called you I didn’t know what I was doing. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Let’s face it, we both fucked up once or twice in the last few weeks. But we can fix that now."

I smiled and nodded my head, "Okay…"

He watched me picking out music silently for a minute and I kept my focus on the jukebox. "So… can I pick some of the music or are you going to torture us?" he grinned.

"Oh I’m thinking that the Mistress in me is aiming toward torture. You two will be kicking my ass all over the place. I’ve gotta have some tricks up my sleeve to try and win a game."

He laughed and shook his head, "I’ll let you win if you let me pick a song or two…"

"Nice try, blue eyes, but no. I’ll pick something out for you, now go away and let me work my magic. Go back there and drag No Ass away from the table long enough to let me break, he’s hogging the table."

"No Ass?" he chuckled.

"You know he doesn’t have one… I mean yeah he’s got one, but it’s nothing like yours…" I laughed.

"I do have a nice ass don’t I?" he smiled proudly.

"Yes, Nicky, you do… now go away…"

"I’m not feeling much love here, Kel…"

"Uh huh… you can feel the love later," I grinned as I picked out a song for him and coded it into the jukebox.

He shook his head with a smile, "Fine… be that way…" he said and began to walk away.

"I will… oh and, Carter?"

"Yeah?"

"Get me another beer why don’t you?" I chuckled as I looked over my shoulder at him.

He shook his head again and threw his hands up in the air, "Women!"

"Love me!" I called out as he walked away.

"Always have…" he replied and walked up to the bar to get me another beer.

~~~~~

"God you two SUCK!" I groaned as Nick and AJ continued to beat me at pool.

AJ laughed, "Actually baby I think it’s you that sucks… we’re both doing pretty good here."

Nick giggled and I smacked him in the head, "Shut up, AJ."

"Hey!" Nick whined. "Why did you hit me and tell him to shut up?"

I laughed, "Because you were closer…"

AJ laughed and grinned at Nick, "That’s what you get for standing so close to her…"

"Yeah well I’m moving away from her…" Nick smiled as he moved away to a seat further away from me rubbing his head.

"I really hate this damn game…" I sighed and then smiled at both of them as they grinned at me. "Shut up…"

"Did you say something, Nick? Cause I didn’t hear you say anything and I know I didn’t say anything…" AJ chuckled.

I shot him a look, "You two play, I’m done. I’ll just admire the view as you two bend over the table sticking your asses out…"

I sat down next to Nick and he laughed, "Don’t you mean No Ass for him?"

I giggled and looked at him wide-eyed, "Nick!"

"Are you calling me No Ass again?" AJ whined only making Nick and I laugh harder.

"Dumbass, you weren’t supposed to tell him that…" I said out of the side of my mouth as I elbowed Nick in the side gently.

"I’ll get you back… I’ll give you some bad nickname and call you it all through the tour and get even the roadies to call you it."

"No you won’t…" I said matter-of-factly.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah…"

"Why not?"

"He wants to know why not…" I said to Nick quietly making a face and he laughed. I then looked at AJ and stood up crossing the room to stand in front of him. I slid my hands over his chest under his shirt but on top of his wifebeater and smiled then took his pool stick and slid my hand down it slowly. "Because if you do… I’ll stop letting my fingers slide over the stick…" I grinned and then laughed as Nick cracked up from his seat. "Now be nice and play with your stick, baby…" I kissed him gently on the lips as he smiled and then sat back down next to Nick.

"You’re horrible…" Nick laughed.

"And you’re just now figuring this out?"

"Has she always been this evil?" Nick asked AJ as he stood up.

"Yeah… she’s getting worse though…" AJ laughed and set up the next game.

"I thought so…"

"Y’all can both bite me…" I laughed and took a drink of my beer.

"Sounds like a good idea to me…"AJ smiled. "Winner gets to bite Kel!"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, "Whatever… just shut up and play."

Twenty minutes later AJ was running around the room after me cackling like a wild man trying to bite me after winning yet another game. Nick meanwhile wasn’t much help as he stood there laughing at us and eventually helped AJ catch me by grabbing me and holding me still. The boys played another couple of quick games of pool and then I beat both of them at air hockey. We closed down the bar and then all headed back to AJ’s house when I refused to let Nick make the drive back to Tampa that night.

The night was what we would all consider good. We all got along and after a while the weird tension faded away and we just had fun. I’d missed being able to joke around with the two of them, and it was pretty apparent how much they’d missed it too. Once back at the house, we goofed around for a bit and then drug ourselves to bed.

Sometime in the middle of the night though I woke up feeling the effects of all of the drinking we’d done at the bar and I got up. Unable to go back to sleep I made my way downstairs after downing some pain killers and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. I felt a warm breeze blow through the kitchen window and decided to go outside for a while and enjoy the warm night figuring that the fresh air might help clear my head enough to get some sleep.

As I closed the sliding door and stepped out on the deck I noticed Nick sitting near the pool and my heart skipped a beat. I tried to back up and go back inside without him hearing me but he turned his head and looked at me over his shoulder, "Hey…"

"Hey…" I said quietly. "I didn’t realize that you were out here… I’ll leave you alone."

"Kel…" he called out as he looked back toward the pool and my hand lingered on the door.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, "Yeah?"

"Don’t go back inside yet please."

I opened my eyes and turned back around to look at him. He looked over his shoulder again and I nodded silently and walked across the deck and stood beside him. He held his hand up to me to help me sit down and I took it gently and sat next to him at the edge of the pool. I took my hand back from him and then looked into the pool. "You okay, kiddo?"

"Just been doing a lot of thinking. I couldn’t sleep."

I nodded and looked at him as he stared into the pool. The reflection of the moon on the pool was lighting his face softly and he looked so innocent. "Yeah I do that a lot myself. AJ always wakes up and walks around the house like a lost puppy trying to find me in the middle of the night." I chuckled and played with the cap of my water bottle, "Of course he usually falls asleep again shortly after he finds me. One night I was sitting out here and he came out to find me and he curled up next to me on the deck and fell sound asleep…" I smiled at the memory and looked up at Nick again.

"Do you know what it did to me that first time you kissed me out by the pool on New Years all those years back?"

Nick’s question threw me off track and I shook my head as my smile faded, "I… no…"

He sighed and shook his head, "God… I can’t stand it sometimes when I think about it and everything that came after it. I know you’re with AJ now, and I’m not going to do anything to try and mess with that. But I can’t help but wonder."

"Wonder what?" I asked hesitantly.

He looked into my eyes, "Why you thought it was okay to be with him, but not with me."

" Nicky…" I sighed and shook my head looking away.

"I just don’t get it… why?"

"Don’t do this…" I pleaded. "We can’t do this."

"Why?" he asked defensively.

"Because it’s useless okay?" I groaned as I stood up. "It’s just going to drudge up a bunch of shit that we don’t need. Just be happy with what we DID have… Things were so different back then, Nick. We can’t change that…"

He stood up and looked down at me, "Okay so we can’t change what happened in the past. But we can’t ignore it either. You said that you loved me. You said that the reason you ran away was because you fell in love with me and you didn’t want to hurt me. But did you ever stop to think about how I felt? Did you ever stop to think that maybe I’d fallen in love with you?"

I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me and I’m pretty sure I let out a gasp. I shook my head and felt my throat closing up, "No…"

"Right…" He said with a nod. "I did fall in love with you," he said reaching out and grabbing my hands in his. I closed my eyes and shook my head, "I still love you…"

That did it. The tears began to flow and I tried pushing away from him unsuccessfully, "Don’t…"

"What? It’s okay for you to tell me that you loved me but I can’t tell you?" he said holding my arms so I couldn’t get away.

I struggled against his hold, "No, I’m not saying that. But I… Goddamn it, Nick, let me go!" He let go and I stepped back rubbing my arms. "You can’t love me. You can’t still love me like that. I’m with AJ…"

"I can’t turn it off. Just because you’re with him doesn’t mean that I automatically can turn off all of my feelings for you. I told you… I’m not going to try and break you two up. But I’m not going to lie. Not to you or myself. I’m not going to lie and pretend that every time I’m around you I don’t want to kiss you. That I don’t want to be close to you and touch you and run my fingers over your skin. I’m not going pretend that I don’t dream of you and that I’m not jealous as hell when I watch AJ doing all of the things to you that I wish I could be doing. It hurts like a bitch to see you with him. To see him touch you, to imagine him making love to you like I should be doing…"

"What am I supposed to say to that?" I whispered, as I wiped at my face frustrated.

"I don’t know…" he said back to me softly.  "I guess though that I want you to know that I know how you felt." I looked through my tears up into his eyes not understanding what he meant. "You let me go because you loved me and knew it wouldn’t be right…" He shrugged, "I’m doing the same thing. I love you, but you’re with AJ and I know that I can’t break that up. So I’m letting you go… it sucks."

I nodded as I bit my bottom lip trying to stop it from trembling, "Yeah it does…" As more tears fell down my cheeks I sighed and turned away from him.

"Promise me just one thing…" he said as he placed a hand on my shoulder. I turned to look at him and waited for his statement. "Promise me that if he hurts you, you’ll come to me."

I looked at him not exactly knowing what he meant but the look in his eyes shot straight through me and I shivered. I took a shaky breath and stepped away from him, "I’m um… I gotta go. I’m going back to bed."

Turning I started to go back toward the house when I felt Nick grab my wrist and pull me back toward him, "Wait…" Nick looked down at me and held my wrist in his hand. I looked into his eyes and he smiled carefully, "Sleep sweet…" He bent his head to mine and kissed my cheek gently before letting go of my wrist.

I looked at him in shock and my head was spinning trying to process everything, "Night…" I whispered and turned away moving as quickly to the house as I could.

 

Twenty Four

"Kel? Where do we go after Ft. Lauderdale?" AJ called out from the bathroom where he was doing last minute packing. We were leaving the next morning for the beginning of the tour and neither of us could sleep. I sat on the bed triple checking my list of things we needed to take with us in my head while flipping through a magazine but not really reading it as AJ ran around the house panicking that he was forgetting something.

I smiled and shook my head, "Charlotte… then Atlanta, then back to Tampa for the Super Bowl, followed by Philly, DC, New Jersey, New York, Toronto, and Pittsburgh." For at least three days he’d had been asking me that same question. I knew from experience that he was getting the pre-tour jitters and that as soon as the first concert was over he’d be much better. So when he’d ask, I’d repeat myself for him.

"How do you remember all of that?" he asked, still in the bathroom as I could hear him rustling through drawers.

"I don’t know, I just do. I’ve looked at the schedule for so long it’s stuck in my head. It’s also in my planner so when I look in it I’ll know where we are at all times. I get just as confused as you all do when the hotels all start to look the same." I looked up from the magazine that I’d been flipping through when I saw the bathroom light finally turn off. "Honey, watch out for the…"

He fell to the floor with a thud as he tripped over pile of notebooks I’d left lying in the floor. I began to giggle and covered my mouth as I looked at him. "Kellie, I swear…" he sighed as he stood up and then moved to sit on the bed.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah I’m fine… Can you explain to me why you have little piles of shit all over the house in front of the doors though? I wasn’t going to ask but I’ve tripped three times tonight already for crying out loud!"

I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of him tripping over my things and then looked at him with apologetic eyes, "I’m sorry, baby. It’s just how I pack."

He inspected his elbow and mumbled, "You’ve never packed like this before…"

I smiled at him and held back another chuckle, "Yeah I have.  Did you hurt your elbow?"

"Rug burn…"

I made a face and scooted closer on the bed to him and kissed his cheek, "Sorry…"

"Thank you. But I still don’t get it. How does leaving stuff all over like that help you pack?"

"Come here…" I said holding my arms out to him and leaned back against the headboard as he laid his head in my lap and I ran my fingers through his hair. He almost immediately relaxed and his eyes closed. I smiled down at him, "I know it’s a silly way to pack. But I figure if I have to step over something as I walk out of the room, I’m not going to forget it. But if I leave a pile of books on a bed, I could very easily walk right out and not realize that I’d forgotten them until I go looking for them and it’s too late."

"Baby?"

"Yeah?"

His eyes opened and he looked up at me with a grin, "You are so weird…"

~~~~~

I opened the front door the next morning in mid yawn and Brian laughed at me, "Good morning, Sunshine!"

I rolled my eyes at him and shook my head, "Brian, if you’re going to be this chipper at this time of morning during this whole tour, I’m going to end up killing you real quick."

He laughed again and grinned, "No you won’t, because you love me…"

"Yeah and?" I asked yawning again.

"And I brought you Starbucks…" He pulled a bag and carrier of coffee from behind his back cheesing at me.

"Okay you’ll live… come on in…" He followed me into the house and I curled up on the couch hugging my knees to my body. "Why is it so cold? I thought this was Florida?" He laughed and handed me my coffee, "Don’t tell AJ I said that… he’ll never let me live it down."

"Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Speaking of our tattooed friend, where is he?"

As if on cue we heard a thud above our heads and I closed my eyes and began to laugh, "Upstairs…"

"God DAMN IT!" we heard AJ yell from upstairs.

"Did he just trip?" Brian giggled.

I laughed and nodded, "Oh god, he’s going to kill me…"

AJ came downstairs and sulked into the room and I stopped laughing. He tossed a pair of shoes into my lap and then sat down on the couch next to me, "You forgot those…"

"Sorry, honey…" I smiled and kissed his cheek. He merely grunted at me and began looking through the bag of muffins that Brian had placed on the coffee table. I shot Brian a look and stood up to stick the shoes into one of my bags.

Brian smiled and looked at AJ, "So you all ready, Bone?"

AJ grunted a yes and began eating a muffin. I stood behind him and looked at Brian making a goofy face and smiled. I put my hands on AJ’s shoulders and massaged his neck a bit. "Brian why don’t you help me get this stuff into the car and Age can eat."

"Alrighty…" he smiled and got up and began picking up bags.

I leaned over the back of the couch and ran my hands down AJ’s chest and over his stomach before kissing his neck, "I’ll make it up to you, baby… I promise to kiss all of your sore spots tonight okay?"

He smiled and nodded, "Okay."

"Eat your muffin…" I smiled and kissed his cheek again before standing up. I turned around to help Brian with the bags and promptly tripped over AJ’s backpack that he’d brought downstairs with him when he brought my shoes down. "Shit… ow!"

Brian walked in the house and laughed at me as he stood looking down at me and AJ sprang off of the couch to check on me, "Geesh… what’s with you two? Has all of the screwing thrown off your sense of balance?"

I laughed through the pain and AJ and Brian both stretched out a hand to me. "Hey, Brian?" I groaned as I stood up and winced slightly at the pain in my knee from hitting the hardwood floor.

"Yeah?"

"That offer to kill you on this tour still stands…"

~~~~~

"Oh stop laughing at me why don’t you?" I groaned as I limped through the bus and thwapped Brian in the head before sitting down next to Kevin.

"Hey! AJ you gunna let your woman hit me like that?" Brian whined as he rubbed his head.

"Uh, yeah?" AJ yelled from the back of the bus where he, Nick & Howie were playing video games. "I don’t know what you did, but I’m sure you deserved it…"

"Man… I forgot how everyone always takes the girl’s side… this sucks!" Brian laughed. "I’m going to go play video games with the children…"

I stuck my tongue out at Brian as he walked away and smiled as Kevin shook his head at us. "First day of tour and we’ve already had an injury and you’re beating up Brian… I’m not sure if this is a good omen."

"Oh we’ll be fine…" I smiled as I stretched out sideways and put my feet in his lap as I laid down on the couch looking at him. He returned the bag of ice that he was holding for me to my knee carefully, "Thank you…"

"Welcome… So tell me something?"

"Uh oh…" I laughed and he smiled.

"Sorry but I have to ask…"

I whined and covered my face, "You’re already starting with the Kev Questions? We’re not even to the first city yet!"

"I’m just doing my fatherly duty…" he laughed.

"Okay…" I said peeking out from behind my hands. "What?"

"Have you and AJ decided if you’re going to be public on this tour?"

My hands dropped to my sides and I looked at him with my head cocked to the side, "What do you mean?"

"About your relationship… Are you going to be public about being together, or keep it hush hush to keep publicity down?"

I sighed and looked up at the mirrored ceiling of the bus and then closed my eyes not wanting to look at myself. "I don’t know. We didn’t really talk about it that much. I mean we want to be public… But now that you mention it, I can see how it could be messy."

"Yeah…"

"A lot of the fans already know me… but if they see that I’m working for you guys now and I’m dating Age then the ones who didn’t like me already will have all sorts of fuel for rumors and Anti-Kel websites…"

"Yup…"

"Shit…" I sighed again and opened my eyes looking at Kevin.

"I’m sorry. I just wondered if you guys had thought it out in detail."

"What would you do?" I asked quietly and grabbed my camera that had been sitting in a bag on the floor next to me. I busied my hands by loading a roll of film into the camera and listened to him.

"Truthfully? I think I’d keep it quiet at least for a little while. Feel out the whole thing before deciding to go public. Even the fans who know you might not take too well to the idea that you’re touring with us the whole time this time. See how they react and then decide if you should go public with it or not." I looked through my camera at Kevin’s hand resting on the bag of ice on my leg and snapped a picture of it. "You’re going to be faced with the evil fans no matter what. It’s a fact of our lives. But maybe if you wait to see how things go, you might save yourself some unneeded additional stress you know?"

I aimed the camera up at the ceiling and got a picture of his refection in the mirrors then put the camera down on my stomach, "Yeah…"

"At least you two have always been very affectionate in front of the fans up to this point. So he can still love on you, just not heavily…"

I laughed and nodded, "We’ll have to have a no-tongue clause again…"

"You had a no-tongue clause?" he laughed.

"Yeah… broke that one a few weeks ago in the backyard though and the rest is history," I smiled.

He smiled back at me, "I’m really glad that you two finally got together…" We were interrupted as a loud roar of laughter came from the back of the bus where the rest of the boys were playing. We laughed and he nodded his head in their direction, "Looks like everything is going pretty well with Nick too… You have something to do with that?"

I shrugged, "The three of us went out and played pool together the other night… Got drunk together."

"You didn’t screw him did you?"

"What?" I looked up at him in shock. "Kev…"

He laughed, "I was kidding Kel… drunken threesome joke?"

"Oh…" I sighed and fidgeted with my camera again.

"You never did tell me what was going on with all of that you know?"

"I know…" I smiled. "I will though…"

"When?"

"Kellllllllllll!" AJ called out from the back of the bus. "I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed you!"

I laughed at his call and shook my head as I sat up and took the bag of ice from Kevin and began to get up, "Apparently not right now…"

"Just remember… I’m not letting you get out of this. Eleven months of touring.  I’ll get you my pretty…"

"Yeah yeah and my little dog too…" I laughed as I began hobbling back to AJ. "Soon, Kevy… Soon…"

 

Twenty Five

~ Fort Lauderdale, FL~

There’s something about being in a hotel that makes people go crazy. You find yourself doing shit that normally you wouldn’t do at home. I think it’s probably the sense of losing control. For example, when you’re at home and you want to eat Oreo’s in the middle of the night you can. And if you don’t have Oreo’s, you can go to the store and get them. In a hotel though, the act of getting Oreo’s in the middle of the night isn’t exactly easy. Especially if you’re a Backstreet Boy. It’s not all about Oreo’s though. It’s just being closed in. Knowing that you can’t go out and do whatever the hell you please whenever the hell you want. It gets to you… even on the first day of a yearlong tour.

"Baby, come on…" AJ whined as he stood on our bed in the hotel bouncing on it. "Jump with me."

"AJ, I can barely walk right now let alone jump. I’m not jumping on the bed with you. I promise that as soon as I can walk without pain, I’ll jump on the bed with you…" I snapped a picture and smiled up at him, "That one was called ‘Twelve Hours.’"

"Twelve Hours? Why?" he asked, still jumping on the bed.

"That’s how long we’ve been on tour…" I laughed.

"That’s all? Only twelve hours? Oh, god…"

I giggled, "You’ve just got pre-first show jitters…"

"Then let’s DO something!"

"What do you want to DO?" I grinned.

"I dunno…"

"Well we can’t leave the hotel. Too many fans downstairs, it’s nuts." He sighed and plopped onto his butt on the bed. "We could find something to do here though."

"Like what? There’s only so much you can do in a hotel…"

I shook my head and sighed, "Have you no faith in my ability to find fun in every situation?" I reached for the phone and dialed a room number. "Hey it’s me… yeah… it’s time… pass it on…" I laughed and hung up the phone.

"What the hell was that all about?"

I smiled then stood up and held my hand out to him, "It’s time you find out about an old hotel tradition… Come on, I need a ride."

He laughed and got off of the bed turning his back to me so that I could ride piggyback, "And where might I be taking you my dear?"

"Big Daddy Kev’s room…"

AJ and I giggled as he carried me down the hall to Kevin’s room. I playfully sucked at his neck and he nearly dropped me which only made us laugh harder as I clung to his body. Once at Kevin’s door though I reached over AJ’s shoulder and knocked our secret knock on the door. We’d been knocking that way since the guys had stopped rooming together on tour. That way without even getting up to look through the peep hole we were able to tell it was one of the six of us. Kevin finally opened the door and shook his head at the sight of me on AJ’s back. He looked past us into the hallway and looked around, "What’s the password?"

"Password?" AJ asked. "Kev, what the hell are…"

"Shh baby…" I said patting his head. "I’ve got the password…"

"Spill it…" Kevin smiled.

I held my camera up and gave him a wink, "Nude photos…"

He laughed and opened the door further, "Welcome…"

"Y’all are nuts…" AJ laughed as we all went into Kevin’s room.

AJ carefully set me back onto my feet and I started going through Kevin’s mini bar. "Okay this place sucks… Tell me you brought your own stash of alcohol…"

Kevin smiled and opened a cupboard above my head pulling a bottle of tequila out, "You mean like this?"

"Ahh… I love you!" I grinned and took the bottle. I grabbed a collection of glasses and handed them to Kevin. He carried them to the coffee table in the middle of the sitting area of the suite and I sat down next to him and began pouring shots.

AJ stood and watched us, "Um… Y’all planning doing a lot of shots or what?"

Kevin and I laughed, "Get the door, Age…"

"What? No one knocked…" As if on cue the secret knock was heard on the door of Kevin’s room. "What the…"

"Get the door, honey…" I smiled and waved him away.

"Party time!" Brian shouted as he came into the room carrying a bag of limes.

Kevin and I laughed as AJ tried shutting the door, "Hey…" Howie called as he stuck his foot in the door. "Not so fast Tattoo Boy…"

"Sorry, D… I didn’t see you…" AJ laughed as he shut the door again.

"Baby?" I asked AJ from the couch where I was opening up a bag of chips that Howie brought with him.

"Yeah?"

I smiled, "Door…"

He looked at me puzzled again and then heard the knock. He turned around and opened the door again to let Nick in. "Hey, everyone…"

The room all mumbled assorted hellos to Nick and AJ shut the door and looked at me, "Are we expecting any more guests, Oh Psychic One?"

I laughed and looked around the room, "Five Boys and me… nope, we’re all here…"

AJ walked across the room and sat on the couch with Kevin and me, "So, Kel?"

"Hmm?"

"Call me clueless, but how did this happen?"

Kevin smiled, "Well, Clueless, it’s the Kel & Kevin Party Train…"

AJ looked at us and sighed. I laughed, "Remember the call I made? ‘It’s time… pass it on…’"

"Yeah…"

"Those are the code words. It’s time, means it’s time for a party, pass it on means call the others and meet in the room of the person who got the first call."

"And you all knew this?" AJ asked the rest of guys.

"Yup…" they all responded in unison laughing.

"Where the hell have I been?"

"Amanda’s pants…" Nick chuckled as he picked up the telephone and began dialing.

We all laughed and I threw a pillow from the couch at Nick. "When we first started doing this you were with Her. I was bored, and the rest of the boys and I started having these little parties while you were busy screwing the hussie."

AJ laughed and shook his head as Brian spoke up, "Yeah but see now that you’re with Kel and we all actually like her…"

"LOVE me!" I corrected with a giggle.

"Oh my bad… yeah since we all actually love Kel, you’re invited to join the party now."

AJ looked around at everyone busing him or herself with something and clarified it out loud, "Kevin has the tequila, Rok brought the limes, D brought the chips and salsa, Kel organized the whole thing and is setting up shots… What the hell is Nick doing on the phone?"

"Ordering a bitch-load of room service for when we get the munchies…"

AJ chuckled and nodded, "Okay I’ve got it… but I have one question."

"Yeah?"

"Now that I’m a part of this little tradition, what’s my job?"

I giggled and patted his leg, "You’re my horse, baby…"

Kevin laughed and groaned, "Oh, god… don’t tell him that! We’ll be hearing how he’s hung like a horse for the rest of our lives…"

"Giddy up, baby…" I laughed. "You get to carry me to the party, and then lug me back to the room and take advantage of me after I’m highly intoxicated."

AJ smiled, "Sounds good to me… And I am you know…"

"What?" Brian asked from the other side of the coffee table where he was sitting on the floor cutting limes.

AJ grinned, "Hung like a horse…"

The room groaned, "Kel!"

I giggled, "My bad…"

~~~~~

"Can I take a picture of you with the first hang over of the tour?"

"No…"

"Can I scream really loud like a fan?"

"No…"

"Can I jump on the bed now that my knee doesn’t hurt as much?"

"No…"

"Can I cuddle up to you and snuggle?"

There was a pause and AJ pulled the pillow off of his face that he’d been mumbling from behind, "Yes…"

I smiled and slid back into bed with AJ and as promised cuddled up to him to snuggle. We’d been up way too late in Kevin’s room drinking our way through two bottles of tequila and then returned to the room and made love until we literally passed out. Spending the time together drinking and hanging out had been exactly what we all needed. Each of the guys had been pacing around their own suites worried about how the first concert of the tour was going to be and the more shots we did, the less the concert worried them. I took a bunch of pictures, most of which would never make it into the book because of their lewd nature, but we had fun nevertheless.

"Why aren’t you hung over?" he mumbled into my neck where his face was buried.

I laughed, "I stopped drinking before you did. After Brian and I finished doing the Macarena we stopped drinking because we were so dizzy. You, Nicky, Kev and Howie kept going though. You must have had a good four or five more shots after that."

"Damn…"

I laughed again and started to pull away, "I’ll get you some aspirin…"

His arms tightened around my body, "No…"

"No?"

"Nut uh…"

"What’s wrong, baby?" I smiled and pulled him back to my body.

"Cuddle…"

I chuckled and ran my fingers slowly through his hair, "Okay… we cuddle…"

~~~~~

Watching the guys rehearse the concert in an actual venue was amazing. It hit me at that moment how far they really had come. Compared to the first concert they ever did and even compared to the Into the Millennium tour, they’d grown so much. I couldn’t help but have tears in my eyes as they sang "Time" and by the time they’d finished the rehearsal I gave them a standing ovation which made them all laugh.

"You cried didn’t you?" AJ asked as I joined them on stage.

I stuck my tongue out at him, "Yeah so?"

"I love you…" he smiled.

"I love you too…" I smiled back and leaned in to kiss him softly.

"No kissy-face on stage!" Brian giggled as he ran by us with a basketball.

"Bite me, Brian…" I laughed and he made a face at me.

"Come here and I will…" he smiled with his trademark grin. I snapped a picture of him and then handed the camera to AJ.

"Pardon me…" I ran after Brian and grabbed his basketball with a grin of my own. "Ooh, Rok, a girl just stole your ball…"

"Just cause you cheated…" he laughed as I began dribbling the ball and held him off with a hand. "You really think you can keep that ball away from me?"

"Always have before… or did you block out all of the times that I kicked your ass at basketball?"

Brian groaned and tried getting the ball from me with no success, "I just go easy on you because you’re a girl…"

"Oh please!" I said rolling my eyes. "You suck and you know it…"

Nick laughed from where he was sitting and shook his head, "She’s got a point there, Brian…"

"Shut up…" Brian laughed.

"Thank you, Nicky…" I smiled.

"I thought you hurt your knee…" Brian asked as he again tried to get the ball but a quick change in my direction kept the ball in my possession.

"Feels better today… got any other excuses?"

"I’m hung over…"

"Bullshit… you stopped drinking when I did you lush."

"I just finished rehearsal and I’m tired…"

"Mmm hmm… whatever… you want me to give you your ball, baby?" I asked as I stopped dribbling and held the ball on my hip with my arm.

"Yup…" he smiled.

I gave him a dirty look, "Whatcha’ gunna’ do for me?"

"Let you take pictures of my cute ass…" he smiled and turned around raising his tee shirt to show off his shorts covered ass.

I raised an eyebrow at him, "Uh… try again."

"Kel…" he whined.

I laughed, "Bri…"

"I want my ball…"

"Tell me that I’m better at ball than you…"

"No."

"Then you don’t get your ball."

"You suck."

"We’ve already discussed whether or not I suck, honey… All you have to do is say it." Brian looked around the stage at all of the other guys and I smiled, "They aren’t going to help you are they?"

Brian sighed and smiled, "I love you…"

"I know you do…"

"And you’re the best photographer that we’ve ever had."

"Thank you."

"Can I have my ball back?"

"No."

"Kel!"

I giggled and shook my head, "You either tell me that I’m better at ball than you are, or there’s one other thing that you could say that’ll get your ball back."

"What is it?"

"I’m not telling. But if you think back you can figure it out."

Brian stood there dumbfounded for a moment and looked at me, "You’re my goddess?"

We all laughed and I shook my head, "You’re pitiful… and no, that’s not it."

"What then?" he sighed.

"Why did I take your ball?"

"Because you’re mean and you’re into torture?"

"Beside that…" I smiled.

"Because I told you that I’d bite you?"

"Yup…" I nodded.

Brian was still clueless. He looked to Nick for help shrugging. Nick laughed and blew kisses at him. Slowly the light above Brian’s head flickered on, "Oh! Kissy-face!" I laughed and AJ walked up behind me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Y’all can do kissy-face on stage all you want…"

"Very good…" I smiled.

"Can I have my ball back now?"

"Kiss me…" I giggled. He kissed me and we both laughed as I handed him the ball.

"You’ve got a mean woman…"Brian mock pouted to AJ.

"Nah… you’re just a pansy ass who can’t stand up to a beautiful woman…" Nick laughed as he stood up and grabbed the ball from Brian.

I smiled at Nick and he grinned at me before running off of the stage with Brian trailing him. I shook my head and looked at AJ, "Boys…"

"You just make it worse you know…" he smiled.

"Yuh huh…" I smiled. "It’s more fun that way…"

 

 

 

Twenty Six

~ Fort Lauderdale, FL, Day Two, Concert One ~

The boys inevitably always freak out just before the first show of a tour. Not that I blame them, but you’d think that after doing so many concerts it wouldn’t turn into such a big deal each time that a new tour began. Nevertheless it did, and it was pretty amusing to anyone watching.

Kevin paced around in his leather backstage biting on his bottom lip refusing to talk to anyone. Howie kept crossing himself and praying. Brian too said a prayer here and there but mostly walked around dribbling a basketball and warming up his voice. AJ couldn’t sit still and resorted to smoking again promising me that he’d stop again after the first concert. And Nick, who was the least frazzled of the bunch, ran around terrorizing everyone playing jokes on them.

I meanwhile watched and captured the moment on film. For the first few nights of the tour I planned on staying backstage and taking pictures from the sidelines since that was a view that most fans wouldn’t ever have the opportunity to see. Then, as we moved on to the next city I’d focus more on getting shots from the audience’s level. As the time ticked away and show time neared, the anxiety level rose and I couldn’t help but go Protective Mama on them all. I handed my camera to Marcus who I’d been standing with and smiled. "Okay boys… group meeting over here…" I yelled waving all of them over toward me. Just like well-trained puppies they all sauntered over and stood around me waiting for me to talk. I smiled at the looks on their faces and held my hands out, "Come on…" With AJ on one side of me and Kevin on the other we all joined hands and formed a circle. I looked at them all admiringly and smiled, "Damn, you all look good in black leather…" They all laughed which was one of my goals and I grinned. "Now, it’s time for the first of many Mama Kel lectures on this tour."

"I was wondering when we’d get one…" Howie laughed.

I stuck my tongue out at him and then elbowed Kevin before he could make a comment about my tongue, "So… what can I say to my boys?" I shook my head, "You have come so far in the time that we’ve all been together. I can’t tell you how proud I am of this show you’re about to put on. I know that you’ve all been beating yourselves up worrying about the concert, but I can tell you this… Even if you fall on your ass and forget your lines, the fans will still love you and so will I."

"Oh thanks, Kel…" Brian laughed.

"Welcome…" I grinned. "Seriously though. You’ve worked amazingly hard, and now it’s time for the fun part. It’s time for the fans to give you that feeling in the pit of your stomach that builds up into your heart and makes everything great. Don’t worry about getting it perfect, just go out there and give those fans the best you can. Show them how much you love them and how much they mean to you. Then when you’re done… we party!"

The group laughed again and AJ spoke up, "She’s right. Let’s do this for the fans."

"And for ourselves…" Brian added.

"Exactly…" I smiled. "I love you guys…"

"We love you too…"

I stuck my tongue out again and laughed, "You better!"

"You know what I’m thinking?" Nick asked.

"What, sweetie?" I smiled.

"Group hug!" he yelled out and we all laughed as we closed in for a six person hug giggling and squealing until we were all on the floor and Marcus was snapping pictures of the scene with my camera.

~~~~~

"The sound was bad…" Kevin mumbled as we all sat around his room dissecting the concert. Kristen was there too, she’d joined us earlier that afternoon and was massaging his shoulders.

"Not your fault…" I smiled and Kristen smiled at me in return.

"I know but it still pisses me off."

"What doesn’t piss you off, Kevin?" Nick muttered and I nudged his head with my hand as I got up to refill my glass with water.

"Be nice…" I said quietly to him and smiled. I looked at Kevin as I passed him, "It wasn’t that bad, honey, just kind of choppy during the first two songs. The fans are busy screaming their loudest at that point anyway and didn’t miss anything. By the third song it was fine. Tomorrow will be better."

I sat back down and AJ put his head in my lap as Kevin shook his head, "Do you always have to be so positive?"

"Better that then grumpy…" I grinned and made a kissy face at him.

I smiled down at AJ and ran my fingers through his hair as he spoke, "I think it went pretty well considering it was the first one. We’ve had worse first concerts before…"

Brian laughed, "And you didn’t lose your pants this time, Kev…"

We all laughed and Kevin cracked a smile.  On the first night of the last tour Kevin had experienced quite the wardrobe malfunction as during the first song his pants that had been designed to rip away for easy costume changes had ripped open and given everyone a sneak of his underoos.  Kristen kissed his cheek, "I think the fans would have enjoyed that though…"

"Heck yeah," I smiled. "As a matter of fact, Kev, can you lose your pants tomorrow night? I could make some big bucks on those pictures alone."

"You could sell them on the Internet for a hundred bucks a piece easy…" Howie laughed.

"A hundred? More like two or three hundred," Brian laughed. "Kev’s got a nice ass…"

"When did it turn into pick on Kevin night?" Kevin whined making us all laugh.

"When you decided to piss and moan about everything even though we had a good show…" Nick laughed and then flinched in anticipation of me smacking him in the head again. I didn’t do it though and just smiled at him until he looked away and then did it.

We all laughed, "You should know better than to turn your head on her man… Never look away!" AJ giggled.

"Yeah, yeah…" Nick groaned as he rubbed his head.

"Hell, even I learned that a long time ago…" Howie said from the floor where he was laying on his back looking at the ceiling.

I laughed, "I used to beat up Howie all of the time… he’s learned pretty well though haven’t you, D?"

"Yup yup…"

Kristen smiled, "How come you guys don’t listen to me like you listen to Kel?"

"Kel’s been around a lot longer, baby…" Kevin explained. "I mean you’ve been around almost as long, but she’s been more hands on with the five of us."

"Do you know how perverted that sounds?" AJ laughed.

"AJ!" I groaned.

"What?" he giggled. "It does… you’ve been hands on with us?"

I rolled my eyes and Kevin grinned at me, "Go ahead and say it… I know it’s killing you not to."

He smiled, "What? You mean calling you The Original Backstreet Slut?"

I shook my head, "I’ll never live it down…"

"Nope…" he smiled.

It was Kristen’s turn to smack Kevin in the back of the head, "Be nice, Kev…"

I laughed and grinned at her, "Gotta behave when the wifey is around!"

"Yeah, yeah… and I think it’s time for some husband and wife time…" he smiled and kissed Kristen’s neck. "Y’all can get out now…"

"Oh lord they’re at it again let’s go…" Brian groaned as he got up. "Who wants to go down to the bar?"

"I’m with ya…" Howie said from the floor and sat up.

"Me too…" Nick said and reached a hand out to help Howie up from the floor.

"Kel… AJ?" Brian asked.

I shook my head no, "I’m whipped, but if you want to go, Age, feel free. I’m going to go back to the room and crash though…"

AJ sat up and took my hand in his as he stood up looking at Brian, "I’m joining my girlie… maybe next time."

Howie and Nick looked at each other and laughed, "Whipped…"

I smiled at them, "He may be whipped, but you know you wish you were too…" I kissed each of them on the cheek, "Night, boys…"

 

 

Twenty Seven

~ Fort Lauderdale, FL… Day Three… Concert Two ~

Kevin’s warning about the fans definitely was something that AJ and I needed to think about. We hadn’t thought about keeping our relationship under wrap since in Orlando we hadn’t been shy about PDA’s. But on tour it was a whole different world. I knew that once the news about our dating was public knowledge that I would surely be faced with some opposition. I didn’t think that it would happen by the third day of the tour though.

I woke up early for some reason, probably still on a high from the night before, and slid out of bed to the shower. Fifteen minutes later I'd left the suite, AJ snoring adorably curled up with my pillow, and explored the hotel. It’s amazing how quiet hotels can be early in the morning compared to at night with all of the screaming teenies running rampant through the building hoping for a glimpse of the Boys. Marcus would have kicked my ass had he known that I was wandering the building without security, but I figured that it was still early enough in the tour and I was fine. Armed with one of my smallest cameras that could fit into the pocket of my AJ inspired baggy jeans, one of his oversized tees and a baseball cap; I wasn’t exactly attracting much attention.

As I stepped into the lobby I giggled at the heap of girls who’d been in the lobby all night and had fallen asleep on the couches. I quickly snapped a picture and looked at the young man behind the front desk who I’d spoken with the night before. "Morning…" he smiled.

"Morning, Ben," I smiled back as I stepped to the desk and leaned on it. "I’m surprised you let them stay…"

"They fell asleep about an hour ago. They’ve been here all night. I only had to warn them once to calm down. I think it was when they realized that a few of the guys were in the bar."

I laughed, "Too young to follow them in though huh?"

"Basically…"

I smiled looking at the girls again, "Do you know if they’ve been to a concert or are going tonight?"

"Actually they’re hanging out here because they didn’t get tickets to the show. That’s kind of why I gave them pity and let them stay even though I’m not supposed to."

"You’re sweet…" I smiled as I reached into my pocket of goodies. "Do me a favor?"

"Sure…"

I pulled out four meet and greet passes for that evenings show and leaned over the counter grabbing a piece of paper from the desk scribbling a note on it. "When they wake up, give them these. This will get them into the meet and greet tonight and I’ll make sure that they get great seats for the show."

"Wow… they’re going to love you."

I smiled, "Yeah, whatever… I know all too well what it’s like to sit in a lobby waiting for just a glimpse."

"Very cool…" he smiled looking at the passes and slipping them into an envelope for me.

I started to turn away but then stopped and smiled, "You a fan too?"

He grinned and laughed, "I try not to let that get around much…"

"Closet fan, huh?" I asked with a smile. I pulled two more passes from my pocket and handed them to him, "For being so sweet to the fans… and to all of us."

"Oh you don’t have to do this, ma’am… I…"

I reached out and touched his hand gently, "First of all, I know I don’t have to, but I want to. It’s a perk of the job. Second, I told you, never call me ma’am… It’s Kel.”

"Thank you, Kel…"

"Welcome, sweetie… I’ll see you at the meet and greet…" I turned to go and then spun around quickly to snap a candid picture of him grinning at the passes in his hand. I winked and laughed as he looked up at me, "Later, Ben…"

I made my way to the hotel’s restaurant and looked around. I started to move toward a small table in the corner when a familiar head of hair stopped me in my tracks. I took a double take and then walked over to his table with a smile. I sat down and shot him a grin, "Morning, Nickers…"

He looked at me and laughed, "Morning, AJ…"

I giggled and looked at my clothes, "Nah… I don’t have enough tattoos yet. What are you doing down here with no security this early in the morning?"

A waitress brought his breakfast and sat it down in front of him. He picked up a piece of sausage and smiled, "Eating breakfast…"

"No Corn Pop’s huh?"

"Nope. But they offered to go get me some…" he laughed.

"Would you like anything else, Mr. Carter?" the waitress gushed. Obnoxious flirting going on there.

"Well you could take my friend’s order…" he said with a cocky look. I held back a giggle.

"What would you like?" she sighed looking at me.

"Same as he’s having please. But add the biggest coffee you have along with the orange juice."

She scribbled my order down and walked away without another word. Nick and I waited until she was out of range and then cracked up, "She doesn’t like you…"

"Yeah well I’ve gotta get used to that now don’t I?" I asked and grabbed a fork and started eating his eggs.

"Unfortunately, yes. I sometimes wonder if the women with me get it the worst though."

I nodded, "Yeah they probably do. You’re the stud…"

Nick rolled his eyes, "Am not…"

"Oh please, Carter… you are and you know it. You just don’t let it go to your head, that’s a good thing."

He shook his head, "Well I don’t feel like the stud… I may know it, but I don’t feel like it."

"Trust me… you are…" I smiled.

He blushed, "Thanks… are you going to eat all of my food?"

I laughed, "We’re sharing. Mine will come out and you can eat half of it…"

Nick smiled, "You’re weird…"

"Everyone keeps telling me that…" I laughed. "It’s more fun that way."

"Being weird?" he laughed.

"No!" I giggled. "I meant sharing food. It’s more fun that way. But you know what?"

"Hmm?"

"It is more fun being weird too…"

Nick smiled and nodded, "Yeah it is."

We ate and talked finishing up both plates of food and going through way too much coffee. We were giggling like kids and picking on each other relentlessly. At one point I looked across the restaurant and then looked back to Nick, "Fans…"

"Yeah they were in here when you came in. I could see them trying to figure out if they were going to come over or not. So far they haven’t."

"I didn’t see them when I came in."

"You were blinded by my studlyness…" he laughed.

"Oh that’s right…" I groaned with a smile.

"They’ve been giving you the evil eye. I’ve been watching them."

I sighed, "What is it with teenage girls now a days? I’d never be like that when I was a teenager."

"Oh bullshit…" Nick laughed. "I’ve heard all about how you treated AJ the day you moved into his neighborhood."

I smiled, "Okay you’ve got me there. But I’d never do that to an adult. I’m like ten years older than those girls are. Oh my god I’m ten years older than those girls!"

Nick laughed, "You’re not old…"

"Thank you…" I smiled.

"I understand what you mean though. It’s just that whole possession thing. They sometimes think that they own us. Then when they see someone else with what they think is ‘theirs’ they lose it."

I nodded and glanced at the girls, they were definitely giving me the stare, "Yeah…"

"Try not to let it get to you. You’ve been around it before. There are more good fans around who will treat you good… think about them."

I took a deep breath and smiled, "You’re right. Did you see the bunch up front in the lobby asleep?"

"Yeah they were cute."

"I left them M&G passes for tonight. They weren’t going to go to a show at all."

"See?" he smiled.

"What?"

"Good fans…"

I laughed and nodded, "Yup…"

"Plus, I’ll be mean to the fans that aren’t nice to you. It’s all good."

"You got my back, homie?"

"Sho nuff…" he giggled.

My cell phone rang and I jumped, "Whoa…"

Nick laughed, "Too much coffee for you, you’re getting jumpy."

"Morning, baby…" I smiled sticking my tongue out at Nick as I answered my phone.

"Where are you?" AJ groaned. I could tell that he’d just woken up and was probably still in bed with a confused look on his face.

"Restaurant downstairs…"

"Why?"

"Breakfast…want me to bring you something?"

"I want you…"

"Aww," I smiled and Nick rolled his eyes. I reached across the table and swatted at him. He smiled and grabbed my hand then kissed it. "I’ll be back soon. We’ve been down here for a while. I think we’ve gone through two carafes of coffee."

AJ groaned and I laughed, "Who is letting you drink that much coffee?"

"Blondie…" I smiled.

"Tall or short?"

"Tall…"

"Remind me to kick his ass. You are not allowed to have that much caffeine in one sitting…"

I cracked up, "Yeah but just think about the stamina that I’ll have with my caffeine rush!"

Nick groaned and I giggled at him, "Tell him to stop groaning."

I smiled at Nick, "AJ says stop groaning."

Nick took the phone from me, "Dude, you’re interrupting our breakfast!  Get your own woman." I laughed as Nick teased AJ, "Nope. We decided that I get her on…" He covered the phone and whispered, "What day is it?"

"Wednesday," I laughed.

"Yeah… I get her on Wednesday, Friday, Sunday and Monday. You get her on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays."

"Kev gets Saturday actually…" I smiled.

"Oh. My bad, she said that Kev has Saturday. So you get Tuesday and Thursday. So you get her tomorrow. Today she’s mine." Nick cracked up and handed the phone back to me, "He’s going to hurt me…"

"Baby? Honey?" I laughed. "Alexander!"

"What?"

"Stop yelling at Nicky. He’s not even listening."

"Sorry…" he mumbled.

"You’re pitiful honey. Go back to sleep. You’ve got two hours before you’ve gotta be up. I’ll be back upstairs in a little while and I’ll bring you breakfast."

"Okay…" he yawed.

"I love you."

"Love you too.  Make Nick keep his hands off of you."

I winked at Nick, "He’ll treat me real good…"

"Kel!" AJ groaned.

"You’re too easy to pick on," I laughed. "Sleep, baby…"

"Yeah, yeah…"

"I love you, AJ!" Nick called out as he leaned across the table and talked into the phone. "I’ll keep a watchful hand on her… Maybe two."

"Nick, I’m going to kick your ass today… Watch it," AJ laughed.

"Such a nice ass he has too," I laughed. "Nicky can you show me your ass again before I go back to No Ass? Oh, bye, AJ…" I hung up the phone and we both laughed as it rang again.

Nick answered it for me, "I’m sorry, the party you have dialed is currently unavailable because she’s adoring my cute ass at the moment. If you’d like to leave a message call someone who cares…" Nick cracked up again and I literally could hear AJ saying something loudly to Nick over the phone. "Yuh huh… Yup… Okay, AJ… Yes, AJ… No problem, AJ… Okay… Yup… Bye…"

 "What did he say?" I asked as he handed me the phone back.

"Oh just a bunch of shit about how he’s gunna hurt me if I touch you and how you belong to him and no one is taking you away from him… the usual boyfriend shit."

I smiled, "He’s too easy to pick on."

"You’ve got him whipped."

"Yeah I do don’t I?"

"Mmm hmm… oh look, the fans left," Nick smiled as he took a drink of his coffee.

"It’s about damn time… I really should get back upstairs though. Got a lot of planning to do before I start snapping pictures today…. I feel so unorganized right now."

"You’re doing fine…"

I took a picture of Nick for that one, "You make my head swell you know?"

He nodded, "Some would say you do the same for me," he smirked.

I rolled my eyes, "Oh, hard on jokes… very nice." I chuckled and shook my head, "That was a good one though."

“Thanks."

"So, are you going upstairs with me?"

"You’ve got a boyfriend, Kel…"

I rolled my eyes at him and he laughed, "Sorry.  But nah I’m gunna sit for a little longer. I’ll find you guys in a little while. Go on up without me."

"Okay, kiddo… if I see Billy I’ll play dumb for ya."

"Thanks…"

"No prob. Thanks for sharing breakfast with me. We should do this more often, it was fun."

"I’m free next Wednesday. I’m sure Philly has a restaurant for us."

"It’s a date…" I smiled and stood up putting money on the table. "You can pay next week."

"Cool."

I kissed him on the cheek and then messed up his hair with a giggle, "Later, Nickers…"

He looked at my clothes again and laughed, "Later, Bone…"

I walked back into the lobby and stopped to tie my shoe just before making it to the front desk again. I heard fans talking and smiled as I took longer than usual tying my shoe so that I could listen, "Yeah Nick’s in the restaurant right now. He was waiting for breakfast all alone and we were going to go over and say hi then some bitch walked in and sat down at his table. Didn’t even ask him she just sat down!"

"Oh my god!"

"Yeah and then she started eating his food and stuff. I couldn’t believe her nerve!"

"Did he make her leave?"

"Well no… he just talked to her and let her eat his food and then when her food came he ate hers…"

"That’s cute… maybe they’re a couple or something? But last I heard he was still single."

"I don’t think she’s a girlfriend. She was too plain. Had on a big ol’ tee shirt and baggy jeans. Something like AJ would wear…" I chuckled as I heard that I and moved to tie my other shoe so that I could listen some more.

"So did you ever talk to him?"

"No cause that bitch hogged him."

"That’s a bummer. But we lucked out. Some woman who is on tour with the Boys came down while we were all asleep over there and left us meet and greet passes for tonight and a note that said she’d make sure we got great seats."

"No way! Is she still here? Did you meet her? Can she get us in too?" In your dreams little girl.

"I don’t know… Hey, Ben? Do you know if the woman who left us the passes is still here?"

I stood up with a grin on my face and leaned on the counter, "Ben, do I have any messages?"

He laughed and smiled at me, "I’ll check your box for messages… and" he pointed to the group of girls standing in front of me, "I believe these girls are looking for you."

The looks on the faces of the girls who were calling me a bitch were priceless as they realized what they’d done, "Hi girls… did you get my little gift?"

"Yes!" one of the good fans squealed. "You rock! Thank you SO much!" She hugged me and I smiled.

"You’re welcome honey. Anyone who did what you did last night without making a scene or getting in trouble deserves it."

"We were here all night too…" one of the mean fans smiled.  "Can we get passes too?"

"Hmm… Sorry, I’m fresh out… I only get a few for each show. They don’t give as many to the Tour Bitch as they do everyone else."

Ben laughed behind the desk and I looked at him, "No messages…"

"Thanks, honey… I’ll see you tonight." I looked at the good fans again, "I’ll see you all tonight too." I started to walk toward the elevators and then stopped with an evil smile, "Oh and girls… for the record… This is AJ’s shirt…" I smiled and waved before stepping onto the elevator smiling all the way back to the suite.

 

 

Twenty Eight

Late night bus rides to the next city. There was a time that I understood them. Like back in the day when the Boys were under what I commonly refer to as The Wrath of Lou and they had concerts every night. But as they took control of their careers and spaced out the shows I didn’t understand it.

It was Wednesday night, after the second, and much better, Fort Lauderdale concert and instead of staying in the hotel and traveling on Thursday we were en route to Charlotte that night. In some ways it would pan out because there wasn’t a show on Thursday and we could goof off all day and relax, but traveling after a show wasn’t fun, ever. It was like getting in a car and driving home as soon as you stepped off of a roller coaster at an amusement park and you were still spinning.

Each of the Boys had opted to go on their own busses. Only when we were bored or wanted to play together did we travel together in one bus anymore. We did have lots of fun with the CB’s though. We all had our own CB names and referred to the different busses as BSB 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Usually we used it for fun, but there were times when it saved our sanity on bus trips.

"Jesus, Kel, you’re worse than me. Calm down!"

I was pacing around the bus, literally and couldn’t sit still. "I can’t!" I sighed. "I so badly don’t wanna be on this bus right now. I feel like I’m going to explode."

AJ laughed at me and pulled me by the hand to make me sit next to him, "Breathe, honey…"

I took a deep breath, "I’m getting claustrophobic…"

"Kel…"

"Oh shit…" I put my head between my knees and AJ rubbed my back.

"Baby, we’ve got a whole lotta bus rides ahead of us…"

"Not helping!" I gasped.

"Sorry…" he laughed.

"When do we stop again?" I said between deep breaths.

"Savannah…"

"Where are we now?"

"Just past Daytona…"

I whined, "That’s another hour and a half… oh god… AJ, I can’t do this… "

He sighed as he continued to rub my back, "Breathe, baby…"

"I’m… trying… to…"

"No more coffee for you in the morning with, Nick.  It gets you too wired."

"Not… funny… A… J…" I was literally hyperventilating.

"I’m not trying to be funny… Come on, let’s get you up front…" He wrapped his arm around my waist and walked me up the length of the bus plopping me in the seat next to Paul the bus driver.

"Whoa… she okay?" Paul asked as he looked at me.

"Yeah just a little claustrophobic... We’ve done this before…" AJ explained as he turned the air vents on me giving me some fresh air from outside. "Breathe…"

"Try… ing… to…"

"Do you need me to stop the bus?" Paul asked.

"No…" AJ mumbled and grabbed the CB as he squatted next to me and held my hand. "BSB 1 to Anyone… talk to me, this is Captain Crayola, over."

A moment later a familiar voice was heard, "BSB 3 here, this is Shark Food, what’s up?"

"Sexy Shutterbug is having a panic attack, we need some laughter."

"Uh oh… what’s going on Sexy Shutterbug?"

"Can’t… breathe… I answered.

"Damn, girl… okay… um… let me think…"

"BSB 2 here, this is Choir Boy… I hear you need some help."

"BSB 5… Big Daddy is here too."

"Swivel Hips over here on BSB 4."

I smiled between deep breaths, "My… heroes…”

"Shark Food to Sexy Shutterbug… Joke for you. A woman goes into an ice cream store and says, ‘I need a gallon each of Strawberry, Chocolate and Rocky Road ice cream.’ The guy behind the counter says, ‘Sorry, ma’am, we’re all out of Chocolate, but I can give you the others.’ The woman says, ‘Okay then I’ll have a gallon of Strawberry, a gallon of Rocky Road and a half gallon of Chocolate.’ The guy sighs and says, ‘Ma’am, we don’t HAVE any Chocolate…’ The woman smiles and says, ‘Ohh… okay so I’ll take a gallon of Strawberry, a gallon of Rocky Road and a pint of Chocolate.’ The guy smacks his head and says, ‘Lady… can you spell the berry in Strawberry?’ ‘Sure, b-e-r-r-y.’ ‘And can you spell the road in Rocky Road?’ ‘Uh huh… r-o-a-d.’ ‘Great, now can you spell the fuck in Chocolate?’ The woman looks the guy all confused and says, ‘There’s no fuck in Chocolate…’ The guy smiles and holds his hands up in the air, ‘That’s right! You finally get it! There’s no fuckin’ Chocolate!’ Over."

I began to giggle and AJ smiled, "Captain Crayola to All, she’s giggling… keep going."

"Choir Boy to Sexy Shutterbug… Okay so a guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in terror and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost, and
came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said, ‘I didn't mean to frighten you. I just wanted to ask you something.’ The taxi driver says, ‘It's not your fault, sir. This is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.’ Over."

I laughed some more and started to calm down a bit, "Captain Crayola to All, more laughter… you’re doing good."

"Swivel Hips to Sexy Shutterbug, my turn. I don’t have a joke but this always makes you laugh. Remember when we were rehearsing for the Millennium tour and AJ was running around like a maniac teasing you and dodging you as you took pictures and Fatima opened the door to the studio and he ran smack into it and knocked himself out for three minutes? Over."

That did the trick, I laughed so hard that I forgot about hyperventilating and snorted. AJ groaned, "Captain Crayola to Swivel Hips, screw you.”

I grabbed the CB, "Sexy Shutterbug to Swivel Hips… I love you!"

"Shark Food to All, she speaks!"

"Sexy Shutterbug to All… you saved me. I love you all."

"Big Daddy to All, Wait I’ve got one."

"Go ahead, Big Daddy."

"Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Over."

I smiled and looked at AJ and Paul, "Dunno Big Daddy, Why?"

He chuckled into the CB before stating the answer, "Because he was feeling crummy… over."

Dead silence. I could see us all looking at the CB’s with thought bubbles over our heads saying ‘No he didn’t…’ "Choir Boy to Big Daddy… remind me to smack you in the head for that one."

"Shark Food to Big Daddy, me too... Dude, that was horrible!"

"Swivel Hips to Big Daddy, I thought it was kind of funny, but it was pretty bad too."

I giggled, "Sexy Shutterbug and Captain Crayola to All. Leave Big Daddy alone… It was cute!"

"Oh sure, Shutterbug… side with the old man!"

"Who was that?" I gasped.

"Shark Food. Over."

"When we get to Savannah your ass is mine, Shark Food!" I laughed.

"Come and get it, Sexy Shutterbug," he laughed right back.

AJ grabbed the CB, "Captain Crayola to Shark Food, I warned you this morning to stay away from my woman!"

"Oooh Shark Food is SCARED of Captain Crayola! I’m shaking in my Nikes! Oh wait, I’m not wearing shoes!"

"I’m going to kill that kid…" AJ mumbled to me and I laughed. "Captain Crayola to All, Let it be known that the rest of the tour might have to be done without Shark Food because Captain Crayola is going to beat him down when we get to Savannah. All in agreement say I. Over."

"Big Daddy, I. Over."

"Choir Boy, I. Over."

"Swivel Hips, I. Over."

"Shark Food, Nay! Over."

AJ looked at me and handed the CB to me. I smiled and took it, "Um… Sexy Shutterbug… Nay. Over."

"Kellie!"

"Swivel Hips to Captain Crayola, No using real names, Dumbass!"

AJ rolled his eyes, "Sexy Shutterbug voted against me… I’m in shock!"

"Sexy Shutterbug has a book to finish. She can’t do that with four dorks instead of five," I giggled.

"Shark Food to Captain Crayola, HA! Over."

The Boys proceeded to ‘argue’ over the CB and I listened and laughed. I caught Paul giggling at our conversation and smiled, "You didn’t know we were this nuts did you?"

"No I didn’t… but it’s good for a laugh…" he chuckled.

"Especially at 3:00 in the morning huh?"

"Exactly… most people sleep on these overnight trips…"

"Choir Boy to BSB 1 Bus Driver, We heard that…”

"Swivel Hips to BSB 1 Bus Driver, That’s right. Sleep? We don’t need no stinkin’ sleep!"

The Boys all grunted assorted agreement sounds over the CB and Paul laughed shaking his head. I smiled, "Welcome to the Backstreet World…"

Twenty Nine

~ Charlotte, NC ~

Once we finally made it to Charlotte it was mid morning and we were all exhausted from being on the busses. We used the back entrance of the hotel and went straight to our suites and crashed. Several hours later I woke up to the sound of our phone ringing and I groaned because I was closest to it. Years before on tour AJ and I had agreed that whoever was closest to the phone had to answer it in the morning.

"What?"

"Damn woman… way to answer a phone!" Brian laughed.

"Brian do you insist on waking me up every day?"

"I didn’t wake you up yesterday. But I’m aiming for several times a week, yes."

I shook my head and sighed, "State your business shorty or I’m hanging up."

"Dinner, the six of us."

"When?" I yawned.

"6:30. Then clubs at 11:00."

"Time now?"

Brian chuckled, "You’re cute when you’re half asleep…"

"I know…"

"It’s 4:45. We’re meeting in my room. Got it?"

"Clubs 11:00, Dinner 6:30, meet in your room."

"Very good!" Brian giggled.

"Night Brian…" I hung up the phone and cuddled back up to AJ and fell back asleep.

*****

Dinner was fun. Of course none of us but Brian were on time. All of the rumors about Backstreet living in a different time zone, totally true. It didn’t matter if we were all ready to go sitting in the same room, we’d find some reason to be late. We made it to a club by midnight and were all ready to dance. Nick had done the honors and called ahead to reserve the VIP section for us and when we got there complimentary champagne was waiting for us on the table.

I nudged Nick and smiled, "You did good for someone who isn’t even technically supposed to be in here…"

Nick groaned, "Two days… I’ll be legal in two days…"

I smiled and squeezed his cheeks, "My widdle Nicky is gunna be a man…" I wiped away a fake tear, "I can’t believe you’re so old…"

"Still younger than you," he grinned.

I shot him a look and shook my head, "You must enjoy torture."

"Pretty much…" he shrugged and laughed.  "Dance with me tonight?"

"You calling dancing with me torture?" I teased.

"It can be…"

I looked into his eyes not quite knowing how to read his last statement and opted to smile, "I’ll dance with you, kiddo…"

"Cool…"

"Toast!" AJ yelled as he poured the champagne. Nick was still looking at me and I was still trying to read his expression. "Hello! Kel and Nick, toast!"

I snapped out of my trance and turned around, "Sorry… we were uh…"

"Having a staring contest…" Nick finished with a laugh. "And I won."

Brian looked at me, "A staring contest?"

"Shut up, Brian…" I smiled and shoved him lightly.

"Okay so anyway a toast…" AJ began and we all held up our glasses.

"To a kick ass world tour…" Howie smiled.

"And amazing travel…" Kevin added.

"Good health for the whole tour…" Brian smiled.

"Great times with wonderful friends…" I said.

"An amazing photographer…" Nick said and the rest of the group nodded making me blush.

"And lots and lots of hot wild monkey sex!" AJ grinned and then laughed as we all groaned. "I love you guys!"

"We love you too…" we all said in unison and raised our glasses in the center of the group touching them together.  "Backstreet…"

We drank our champagne and before I could fully set my glass down AJ was pulling me to the dance floor where we proceeded to dance and grind for a good hour before a slow song came on and we were able to slow down. He pulled me close and I melted into his arms as I kissed his neck gently and he kissed my shoulder. "Age?" I whispered.

"Hmm?"

"I love you…"

He pulled back slightly and looked at me and smiled, "I love you, too."

"Just felt like telling you…" I said with a shrug.

He kissed my forehead, "I can never hear it enough. Tell me anytime you want."

"I love you…" I whispered again and smiled as I looked up at him. There was barely any gap between our bodies we were dancing so close, and I loved it. I loved being that close to him, feeling his body against mine like that and knowing that he was all mine. I’d always loved dancing with him before, but it was so different knowing that the way our bodies moved on the dance floor was just a preview of what was to come when we made love.

AJ looked into my eyes for what seemed like forever and then he leaned his forehead against mine, "Tell me what you’re thinking…"

"I’m thinking that I love you… and that I need you to make love to me tonight when we get back to the hotel no matter how late it is or how tired we are."

"Damn, Kel…" he whispered with a sigh and ground his hips against mine.

I could feel the effect that I was having on him and smiled, "I need to feel you… pressed against me…" He let out another sigh and pressed his body to mine completely. "I need to feel your skin…" I whispered as I slid a hand under his shirt and ran my fingertips over the small of his back. I knew I was torturing him, but I loved having that power and I grinned. I pressed my chest against his and discretely ran my tongue over the pulse point on his neck before whispering in his ear, "I need to feel you deep inside of me…"

"Oh, Jesus…" he muttered and his arms wrapped tighter around me.  "You can’t do this to me…"

"I am, baby…" I smiled. "I want to touch you as you slide in… and out… and back in to me slowly… erotically…" AJ’s hips began moving with my words and mimicked the familiar rhythm of our slow lovemaking. "Yeah, baby… just like that…"

"I need you…" he gasped into my ear.

"I need you too, baby…" I smiled. I was beginning to lose control, his hips moving against mine was almost too much and every bit of my body was tingling.

"I need you, now…" he said pulling his head back to look at me. I looked at him wide eyed as my heart skipped a beat. I hadn’t thought that I’d get him that turned on. He nodded, "Now…"

I was speechless. I couldn’t think of anything other than to nod and I grabbed his hand pulling him off of the dance floor through the crowd and down the stairs to the basement where the bathrooms were. How we managed to be down there when no one else was, I’ll never know, but we called it fate. I pulled him into the women’s bathroom and pushed him into a stall and onto the toilet. As I slid my panties off he undid his pants and in a quick movement I was sitting in his lap sliding down onto his erection. "Holy shit…" I sighed as he filled me and we began moving together.

There was nothing slow about what we did in the bathroom that night. We both needed a release so bad that we could taste it and that was the only thing on our minds. His hands stayed on my hips from pushing my short skirt up. I leaned my head forward and kissed his lips as he mumbled against mine, "I love you…"

"I love you, too…" I whispered as I heard the bathroom door open and could hear at least two women talking to each other. I grinned at him and kissed him deeply. The kiss only heightened our excitement and our bodies moved faster toward their release. When I couldn’t breathe I tipped my head back gasping for air trying not to make any noise and he sucked at my neck and down between my breasts.

My eyes rolled back into my head as he moved beneath me and his mouth roamed my skin. I slid my fingers into his hair with one hand and pressed my other hand against the stall wall. As soon as we heard the women leave the bathroom we both let out moans and kissed again as almost simultaneously our orgasms finally hit and the release we’d been craving so badly was achieved.

He laid his forehead against my chest and I laid my head on top of his running my fingers through his hair as we both came back down to earth slowly. "Damn, baby…" he finally sighed as he kissed my chest gently and lifted his head.

I chuckled and kissed his lips, "I didn’t mean to do that to you…"

"I’m not complaining," he smiled.

"Me neither… but I was just hoping to get you a little excited and then have this back at the hotel."

"Trust me, by the time we get back to the hotel, we’ll have this and more. I’m going to be thinking about this all night long. I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off of you."

I smiled and ran my thumbs over his cheeks, "I’m all yours, baby…"

"And I’m yours…"

Leaving the bathroom I made AJ stay in the stall until I was sure that no one was around to see him coming out. The last thing we needed less than a week into the tour was a headline talking about him getting a quick fuck in the basement of a club. We headed back up the stairs holding hands and I started to laugh. "What?" he asked with a smile.

"I just realized that I uh… left an article of clothing down in the bathroom…"

He looked at me dumbfounded and then his eyes bugged out. "Oh… OH! You… really?"

I cracked up at his reaction and put his hand on my ass as we began to dance again, "Yup…"

"Damn…" he sighed again as his hands roamed over my skirt feeling for the panty line that wasn’t there.

"I think I’ll just leave them… more fun to torture you this way…" I smiled and kissed his nose.

"You are pure evil…"

I winked at him, "And?"

"And I love you…"

I chuckled and pulled him back toward the VIP section, "Your evil woman needs a drink… come on."

I sat down at the table and looked out over the dance floor as AJ decided it would be quicker for him just to go get our drinks than wait for a waitress. Kevin came walking up and sat next to me holding a beer. I took it from him and took a drink and handed it back, "Thank you…"

"Welcome…" he smiled. "Having fun?"

"Too much…" I laughed. "But you don’t look so happy. What’s up sweetie?"

"Nuthin…"

"Kevin…"

He looked at me and smiled, "Stop doing that."

"What seeing through your lame ‘nuthin’?"

"Yeah…" he took another drink and looked back out over the dance floor.

I took his beer and sat it down on the table and then took his hand and pulled him up, "Come on, lover boy… time to dance with me."

We passed AJ as we were stepping down to the dance floor and he held up the beer bottles, "What’s up?"

"Dancing with Kev…" I smiled and he read the look on my face.

"Cool… have fun," he smiled and patted Kevin on the back as he walked back up the stairs to the table and we proceeded to the dance floor.

The song was still a slow one and he wrapped his arms around me more in a hug than anything and we danced slowly to the music. Dancing with Kevin was comfortable. That was the only way I could describe it. Sure, he could get down and dirty with the best of us, and we had on several occasions, but then there were the times where our dances were just long swaying hugs, and I loved them. When the second song began Kevin pulled back and took my hand in his dancing with me in that traditional stance where his right hand was at the small of my back and my left was on his shoulder near his neck. I loved that too… gotta love dancing with a man who could ballroom dance if he wanted to. He held me closer than in a true traditional stance though and smiled down at me, "Have I mentioned how glad I am that you’re touring with us?"

I smiled, "Not recently…"

"I’m so glad you’re touring with us…"

I touched his cheek and smiled, "Me too, honey…"

"This tour is going to be rough on me and Kristen. She can’t travel with us much this time because she’s working. And I totally love that she’s working and happy, but it sucks that she’s not here."

I nodded, "I’m sure it’s hard…"

"Yeah. But having you here helps. I bet you knew when I sat down up there what was wrong with me didn’t you?"

"Yup…"

"See? You read me better than the guys do. You know I love them… but it’s different. They’d tell me to suck it up and find some girl to dance with. But all I want to do is dance with my wife. You don’t do that though. You let me hug you until I’m ready to talk and then dance with me without hitting on me like all these other women would do. You just… I don’t know… you’re…"

"I’m your friend…" I finished for him with a smile.

"Yeah…"

"Well I’m glad to be here for you, honey. And I will be here for you the whole tour. No matter what’s going on with me and the skinny tattoo boy up there. I’m not just here for him. I’m not just the girlfriend you know? I’m still your friend and the Protector of all of you guys."

He smiled and chuckled, it was a beautiful sight, "I thought I was your Protector?"

"You are… but I don’t need one right now and you do. So when I need one, I know who to call. But until then, I hold the special Protector ring."

"Oh… okay…" he laughed with a smile. "So you’re the Protector right now… I can handle that…"

"Can you?" I smiled.

"Kind of. I can’t turn off the big brother thing…"

"I know, it’s like asking me not to be the Mama…"

"Exactly."

I looked up into Kevin’s eyes and smiled, "You’ve got that look on your face. That ‘I’m going to go Daddy Kev on you now’ look…"

Kevin laughed, "Would I do that?"

I sighed, "Yes… so what is it?"

"Staring contest…"

I sighed again and hugged my body to Kevin so that I didn’t have to look into his piercing green eyes. "He said something that I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to take it and then he wouldn’t stop looking at me. It was like I couldn’t take my eyes away from his."

"What did he say?"

"I can’t even remember. Something about dancing with him being painful or something."

"Painful?"

"Yeah. It was weird. We were teasing each other about age and stuff then he asked me if I’d dance with him tonight and it went on from there."

"Well it looked pretty intense to me whatever was going on…" I closed my eyes and tried to lose myself in Kevin’s arms. He kept silent for a while and ran his hands up and down my back slowly. "You okay, kiddo?"

"Yeah…" I looked at Kevin and smiled, "I’m okay. The whole thing just threw me I guess. We’re doing a lot better together. Had breakfast yesterday and we’ve been goofing around like old times. But every now and then I get this weird vibe from him. Like he’s hurting or something, and I’m doing it to him."

"Why would it be something that you’re doing?"

"It’s part of that story that I haven’t told you yet…" I smiled.

"Ahh… you know I haven’t bugged you about that in a few days."

"After the chaos of the Super Bowl and Nicky’s birthday… I promise."

"Deal…"

 

Thirty

~ Tampa, FL ~

The Charlotte and Atlanta shows flew by with countless hours of rehearsal for the Super Bowl stuck in between normal tour stuff. It was both exciting and exhausting all at once. I can name all of the times and places that I’ve seen the Boys sing the National Anthem, but none of them compared to the Super Bowl. I could barely see through the lens of my camera as I took pictures because I was crying so much. I can’t explain the pride that I felt in my heart that evening. It was amazing and completely overwhelming. Even now sometimes when I think back on that night or look at pictures or video of the performance I tear up.

After the football game, which I insisted on staying for even though AJ wasn’t much interested, we all headed to a club for Nick’s 21st birthday. We’d reserved the club and only folks on a specific guest list were allowed to get in. We all planned on getting him shit-faced and the last thing we needed was a stray reporter catching it and printing up some evil article about it.

The party was going great. Loud music, great food, and so much alcohol that none of us had plans to drive anywhere that night. Nick was having a blast too. He’d been smiling since we made it to the club and it was great to see him so happy. I was sitting at a table with Howie and Brian talking about nothing in general when Nick ran up and grabbed my hand, "Come on…"

"Where are we going?" I laughed.

"Dancing… you and me…" he giggled as he pulled me through the crowed club.

I laughed, "Someone is drunk…"

"Yep… me too…"

I chuckled again and we began to dance to the loud throbbing music pumping through the club. We danced like fools, giggling and jumping around making ourselves dizzy, pure fun. When the music slowed down I think I was still spinning. Nick pulled me to his body and we held onto each other in a hug breathing heavily from dancing so hard. I smiled as we danced, "Happy Birthday, Nicky…"

"Thanks…" he smiled and pulled back to look in my eyes.

"You having a good one?"

"Super Bowl, my home town, great party, dancing with you… yeah it’s great."

"Best birthday you’ve ever had?"

"Almost… there was one that was better."

"Which one was that?" I smiled and pushed a stray strand of hair from his face as he looked down at me.

"My eighteenth…" he said quietly looking into my eyes.

I took a deep breath remembering that day and looked away from his eyes, "Um… did you get your presents? I left them with Billy…"

Nick nodded and purposely moved his head so that I couldn’t look away from him, "Yeah I did! Thank you! How’d you know which one I needed?"

I shrugged, "I heard you telling Brian about it one day on the bus. I wrote it down and did a little searching. Turns out there was a comic book store down the street from the hotel in Atlanta. I went in there to see if they had it but figured they wouldn’t because no one else who I’d called had it, but they did. I had to get it."

"Must have cost a lot. That one is hard to find."

"Extremely hard to find. You don’t know what I went through to find it. I’d actually given up on finding it. But, you’re worth the money. I knew you’d appreciate it."

"I love it…"

I smiled, "Good."

Nick wrapped his arms around me tighter and pressed his body to mine. I leaned my head against his shoulder listening to the music. "Kel?"

"Yeah?"

"You know what I said about my eighteenth birthday being my best one?" I nodded, "I meant it. That’s a day I’ll never forget. I think about it all of the time…"

I sighed, "Nick…"

"I’m serious. I can’t tell you how much that day affected me…"

"You don’t have to…" I said looking at his face again. "Please don’t do this."

"What? Tell you what you mean to me? What you made me feel? What I still feel every time I see you? Every time I touch you?" He pulled me to his body again pressing it to mine. "Do you know what it does to me to have you this close to me and know that I can’t follow through on what my body wants me to do? What it does to me when I see you and AJ sneaking off to screw?"

I fought tears and tried pushing away from his body but his grasp was too tight, "This isn’t fair…"

"Yeah well it’s not fair to feel the way I do and not be able to do anything about it either."

I sighed and continued to push away from him, "You’re drunk. Leave it alone. Don’t let the alcohol say something that you’ll regret in the morning."

"Why not? It wouldn’t matter anyway…"

"Is that what you think about me? That I don’t care about you? Jesus…" I finally pushed away from him and shook my head, "Go sober up…"

I tried to walk away and he grabbed my wrist pulling me back to him. He put his face next to mine and whispered into my ear as I struggled to pull my hand back from him, "Do you think of me when he’s inside of you?"

Before I knew what happened I’d smacked him in the face, "Fuck you!"

He laughed and rubbed his cheek as he let go of my wrist, "You already did…"

I shook my head as I looked at him before turning and running off the dance floor in tears. I literally ran into Kevin as I was heading for the door and he looked down at me smiling, "Whoa  what’s the…" When he saw my tears he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, "Come on…" He led me quickly through the crowd and out of the club to the quiet parking lot.

We walked around to the side of the building and found a curb to sit on out of the way and I covered my face and cried. Kevin pulled me into his arms and held me until I was able to calm down a bit. "I’m sorry…" I sighed as I wiped at my face, checking my fingers for mascara.

"What happened?"

I teared up again and shook my head taking a breath, "Nick…"

He sighed and rubbed his hand along my back, "What did he do?"

"Nothing that I didn’t cause. I swear, Kevin, I keep telling myself that one day I’m going to stop fucking things up. But my problem is that my fuck-ups from the past keep coming back. Just when I think things are good, something I did when I was stupid and not thinking comes back to haunt me."

"You’re not a fuck up…"

"Bullshit…"

"You’re not…"

"You don’t know! You don’t know half of the stupid shit I’ve done. You know a lot, but god, Kev… there’s so much more."

"Even so, it can’t be that bad. You know that I’m no angel. Think of everything I’ve done… we all did it. We all did stupid things for a while. We were living the reckless life of superstars and you were right along there with us. But that doesn’t mean that we’re horrible people because of the shit we did. Does it?" I shrugged and looked at my feet on the concrete. "Think about it… there’s no reason that Kristen and I should have ever gotten back together after everything that I did to her. But we did, because I cleaned up my act and proved my love to her. Sure every now and then something pops up that I have to explain to her, and it’s hard. But that’s life. It doesn’t mean that I’m doomed to be a fuck up for the rest of my life. And neither are you."

I sighed and looked at him, "He’s so drunk he probably won’t remember what he said…"

"True. So don’t let this get to you…"

I shook my head, "Alcohol for him is like a truth serum. He says what he feels when he’s drunk. Whether he remembers it or not, he meant it."

He searched my face for a moment, "Honey, I don’t know what to tell you because I don’t know what’s going on. All I can say is that we’ll get through it. Tomorrow night when we get to Philly, I’m stealing you away from Bone and you’re going to talk to me. However long it takes. Okay?" I nodded and began to cry again. His arm wrapped around me and he kissed the top of my head, "I’ll tell him that I need your company because I miss my wife or something. Send him to play pool with Brian and Howie…"

"Thanks…" I whispered as I shut my tears off again and took a deep breath.

"No problem, kiddo… now let’s get you cleaned up before Kristen or AJ come out here looking for us and want to know what the hell is going on."

I smiled as he smiled at me, "We’re having a torrid affair and I was missing you so much in there that I burst into tears and had you meet me out here."

"Yeah and I made you cry because I told you that I’m sleeping with my wife tonight instead of you."

"Yup, and then to make me feel better you told me that cookie joke again, but that only made me cry harder because it was so corny…"

"But then I ravaged you against the brick wall of the building and you were all better…"

We stood up and began walking back toward the entrance of the club smiling, "I was still jealous that you’re going home with her, but we agreed to meet up tomorrow night when she’s flown back to LA and we’ve sent my boy out to a bar with the Boys."

"Exactly. And we’re going to have hot break-the-bed sex while he’s gone."

"The maids will hate us for the mess we make in the bed…"

"And we’ll both be so sore the next day that people will start to suspect us…"

"But we’ll cover by telling them that we’re just old and shit like that happens as you age…"

Kevin laughed, "I love you…"

"I love you too, honey. Thank you…"

"Anytime…" he smiled and hugged me one last time before we went back inside.

"Tomorrow night…"

 

 

Thirty One

~ Tampa, FL ~

We sat in the VIP lounge of the airport the next morning waiting to board our flight to Philadelphia. All of us were hung over and we weren’t speaking much. Kristen and Kevin were off by themselves kissing their good-byes before she headed to her plane to return to Los Angeles, Brian and Howie were both sound asleep where they sat, and AJ’s head was resting on my shoulder. Nick meanwhile was missing in action having wondered off with Billy for a few minutes.

I hadn’t told AJ anything about my run in with Nick the night before. I knew that when I opened that can of worms that it was going to be a long process and neither of us needed to deal with it with hangovers. He hadn’t noticed me disappearing from the club while Kevin and I spoke outside because he and a few friends had been playing pool. Kristen noticed though, and I knew just by the way that she’d hugged me that morning that Kevin had told her something was going on. I loved the relationship that I had with her. She was confident enough in her relationship with Kevin to know that I wasn’t a threat by any means no matter how much Kevin and I flirted with each other or spent time together. She knew about as much about me as Kevin did, and was never afraid to ask me a question about anything.

When Nick & Billy finally came back to the lounge I glanced at him. He looked like shit. Our plan on getting him shit-faced on his birthday was a smashing success and it looked like he was hurting the most of all of us. I had no idea though how much of how bad he looked had to do with what had happened between us on the dance floor. There was a small bruise on his face too from where I’d smacked him. I hadn’t realized how hard I’d hit him, but there on his face was the proof that I’d hit him pretty hard.

AJ spoke quietly, "Looks like Nicky’s pretty hung over."

"Yeah…"

"How the hell did he get that bruise on his face? I bet the dumbass fell down or something…" he chuckled. I nodded silently and looked away from Nick. AJ picked his head up and looked at me, "You okay?"

I nodded again, "Yeah I just feel like shit… I’m gunna um… I’ll be back in a minute…" I kissed AJ letting my lips linger on his lips for a moment as my hand rested on his cheek and then got up and headed for the restroom.

I sat on the counter in the bathroom for a few minutes just taking the moment to breathe deep. I did feel like shit physically, I’d drank way too much the night before. But most of what was causing me to feel so bad was emotional. When Kristen walked into the bathroom I smiled, "Which one sent you in after me?"

"Both of them. Kevin suggested it and just as I was about to get up AJ came over and asked if I would."

"God, I love them…" I sighed and looked down at the floor.

"They’re keepers alright…" I nodded and smiled wryly. "So… you okay?" I nodded again and looked up to her trying to smile. She smiled and slid herself onto the counter next to me. "Kev told me that something was up with you and Nick. He’s pretty worried…"

"I figured he’d tell you."

"You don’t mind do you?"

"Nope. I knew he would, he always does. But I know that you keep it between the two of you too and that you’d never do anything to hurt me."

"Good… He told me that you’re going to talk to him tonight?"

"Yeah… I’ve been promising him that I’d explain everything for a few weeks now. But after last night, I’ve gotta tell someone. Otherwise I’m going to explode on this tour. The tension is so thick out there I can’t breathe."

"Yeah I noticed that Nick’s avoiding eye contact with you. I truthfully don’t think though that to anyone who isn’t aware that there’s a problem it’s that obvious."

"Really?"

"Really. I think Kev and I noticed because we were looking for it. But I bet to everyone else, Nick just looks hung over."

I sighed and nodded, "Good. The last thing I want is to create tension between the guys."

"I think you’re safe there, kiddo…"

I smiled, "Kev’s got you calling me kiddo now huh?"

Kristen laughed, "I guess so… but it seems to fit."

"I don’t mind it. Although I’d only allow a select few people to call me kiddo."

"So I’m special?"

"Very much so…" I laughed.

"Cool… So will you do me a favor on this tour?"

"Sure?"

"Take care of Kev for me? He told me how you made him talk to you the other night when he was missing me. Keep doing that no matter how stubborn he gets okay? And if you need to, call me. I’ll help you kick his ass…"

I smiled, "No problem. We’ve got this little battle going on between us, I take care of him, he takes care of me…"

"Well I like that. I’m glad to know that you’re on this tour with him. With all of the guys actually... It’s so easy to see how much they all respect you and trust your opinions. When they’re alone for too long without any other input I swear they start to feed off one another and they come up with the most insane ideas…"

I laughed, "Boy Logic…"

"Exactly!" she giggled.

"Like AJ deciding to color his hair piss yellow on the last tour. That was when I wasn’t around to tell him not to do it. They were all like, ‘Yeah dude, do yellow…’ Dorks…"

We both laughed, "Well it’s going to do them good to have a woman around on this tour. Especially one who they clearly love so much."

I smiled, "Thanks…"

"Anytime…"

"I suppose we should get out there before they send in some woman in here after us huh?" I laughed.

"Probably…" We walked out of the restroom to find both AJ and Kevin pacing near the door.

I laughed and shook my head, "I’m okay… just needed some girl conversation…"

"You sure?" AJ asked as he looked down at me and pulled me close.

"Positive," I smiled and kissed his chin. I could feel Kevin watching me and I smiled at him, "Wipe that look off of your face, Kev… I’m fine. Your wifey took good care of me. We bonded."

"You two don’t need to bond anymore, you’re already too close…" he laughed and then flinched as she smacked him in the arm.  "Ouch!"

"Watch it…" she laughed.

"Mmm hmm…" he smiled.  "Say your good-byes, I’m going to grab your bag and walk you over to your gate."

"Okay…" Kristen smiled. She turned to AJ and held her arms open to him to hug him, "Take care, sweetie… I’ll see you in three weeks for the Grammy’s."

"Cool," AJ smiled. "Keep in touch…"

"Always…" she smiled in return. She turned to me, "We’ve got a deal right?"

I grinned and nodded, "Yup… I’ll call you with weekly reports…"

"Oooh I love it!" she laughed and hugged me tight.

"Thanks, Kristen…"

"Welcome, kiddo…"

AJ looked at Kevin as he returned carrying Kristen’s carryon bag. "Dude they’re plotting something… weekly reports and shit…"

Kristen and I laughed and smiled at them, "We know nothing…"

Kristen walked away and made the rounds with the rest of the guys. She kissed Howie and Brian on their foreheads as they continued to sleep and then hugged and kissed Nick before coming back over to where we were standing. We hugged again and she gave me a quick wink before walking off with Kevin, "Did you see that?" AJ asked. "Wink… she winked… what are you two doing?"

Kristen pulled Kevin by the hand toward her gate and I led AJ back to where we’d been sitting, "Stop being paranoid, dufus. I just promised to take good care of Kev while she’s not around to do it."

"Oh…" he smiled. "Okay, that’s cool…"

"Now do me a favor?" I smiled.

"Anything…" he said looking into my eyes. I could tell that he still wasn’t convinced that I was okay, I could see it in his eyes.

"Cuddle with me until the plane arrives?"

"Oh I can definitely do that…" he smiled and opened his arms up for me to lean up against his chest. I closed my eyes and sighed contentedly and he kissed the top of my head as his fingers began to run through my hair gently, "I love you…"

I smiled and looked at him and kissed his lips, "I love you, too…"

 

Thirty Two

~ Philadelphia, PA… Day One ~

It was harder getting rid of AJ than Kevin and I had planned. He’d begun whining horribly about leaving me alone with Kevin pouting that he "needed" to be with me. After a little bit of urging though and several promised sexual favors we convinced him to go. The four of the other Boys and their respective security went to a nearby pool hall while Kevin and I settled in his room on his bed for the night with a pizza and beer. It wasn’t like either of us needed to drink after Nick’s birthday bash the night before, but Kevin figured I’d probably need a little loosening up to get the conversation about Nick going. He was right.

For a while we just talked about whatever came to mind. We talked about how his marriage was going, how my relationship with AJ was, and pretty much anything else that came up. Kevin and I were both talkers and never had a problem carrying on a conversation for hours.

"How’s the book coming along?"

"Good… I think…" I said and took a drink. "I’m supposed to get the pictures from last week back sometime this week. Sucks to have to send all of my film away for developing, but I can only imagine what would happen if we used a local shop."

"Eww… yeah that wouldn’t be good. The pictures would all be out there before the book even showed up."

"Exactly. I’m tempted to set up a traveling dark room though so that I can get the pictures back faster. At least the black and whites, that’s not too big of a deal to do…"

"Don’t ask me… you know I know nothing about photography except that you kick ass at it."

I laughed, "You’re cute…"

"Naturally…" he grinned.  "I’m sure the pictures are great though. Are we going to get to peek?"

"Of course! Some of them I may keep secret so that you can’t see them until the book comes out, but I want your input on it too. It’s just as much your book as it is mine. I want you to be happy."

"Cool…" We sat and ate for a little while longer and then stretched out lying on the bed next to each other.

"You know…" I laughed as I lay on my side with my head propped up on my hand looking at him. "I was totally intimidated by you when I first met you."

"No way…" he laughed.  "You’re never intimidated by people."

"I know, it was weird. I kept telling myself that I was being silly because I never let people get to me like that, but until we got to know each other I was totally afraid of being around you. AJ kept telling me that you were cool, but that you just were a perfectionist and that’s probably what I was picking up on."

"That’s funny…"

"I think now though that I could tell how much alike we were and it worried me that we’d clash. I was the surrogate parent until you came around and I think I kind of wondered if you were going to come in and take over for me and push me out of my job."

"Little did we know that we’d end up sharing the job…" he smiled.

"Oh god, remember how they used to call us Mom and Dad for a while?" I laughed.

"I totally forgot about that… They were relentless about it too…"

"I know… I swear for a good half a year no one but you called me Kel. It was ‘Hi Mom…’ ‘Mom can we go play basketball?’ ‘Mom I’m hungry!’"

He smiled, "We had a lot of fun back then… Still do, but those days were so different."

"Yeah…" I smiled. "We’re pretty lucky to have each other. Not many people can survive in a group of friends this big for so long."

"True. But we all love each other so much that it keeps us fighting for the relationships…" I nodded and looked at the bedspread and traced the pattern with a fingernail. "Which leads me to go ahead and ask since you’ve got that look on your face… What’s going on with Nick?"

I sighed and rolled over onto my back, "God this is such a long and complicated story. I should have told you about this ages ago, but kept telling myself that it was going to work itself out."

"We’ve got all night…"

I smiled, "Yeah I know…" I looked at him again, "So tell me something. How much about Nick’s eighteenth birthday do you know about? What did he tell you?"

"His eighteenth? Wow… um… Isn’t that the year that his family took him sailing or something? We couldn’t celebrate with him on his birthday because Jane wanted to keep it a family thing, so we got together with him later that week…"

I nodded, "Yeah. That’s the story. But that’s not what happened. He never told you what he really did that day?"

Kevin looked at me and shook his head, "No, I thought that’s what he really did… what happened?"

I shook my head, "I can’t believe he didn’t tell anyone. Wow…" I sat up and crossed my legs underneath my body not being able to get comfortable lying there. "He didn’t spend the day with his family. Hell they weren’t even in Florida. Jane called at the last minute and told Nick over the answering machine that they had to stay in New York with Aaron because of some recording stuff."

"You’re kidding? He never told us…"

"Well he didn’t feel real great about it. I mean think about turning eighteen and having your family call and leave a message telling you that they weren’t going to see you for your birthday. They’d abandoned him again."

"God… poor kid.  But how do you know all of this?"

"I was home on break from college. I knew it was his birthday, and you know how my relationship with Jane is. I didn’t give a rat’s ass if she didn’t want non-family showing up, I wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday in person and give him my gift on his actual birthday. So I drove out there to see him. I showed up at his house to find him alone and practically in tears. He’d invited his girlfriend over that afternoon since his family was around and he didn’t want to call any of you guys and have to explain what happened. But they’d gotten into a fight and she’d left a few minutes before I got there."

"Wow… talk about a suck ass birthday…"

I laughed and shook my head, "Yeah but it got better."

"Because you took care of him," Kevin smiled.

"Yeah…" I said and nodded. "I guess you could call it that…"

"Go on…"

"Can I ask you a question?" Nick asked as we sat in the middle of the living room floor watching MTV on mute and eating junk food.

"Yup…"

"Anything?"

"Yup… what is it?"

Nick sighed and looked at the Oreo cookie in his hand as he twisted it apart, "How old were you when you lost your virginity?"

"Too young…"

"How young is that though?"

"I was fourteen. Slept with one of my dad’s interns from work. He was a college student. Probably the worst lay I ever had. He was sexy and all, but sucked in bed. He rushed through it, didn’t know how to do it right, and it hurt. He probably still doesn’t know what he’s doing. Why?"

Nick shrugged, "I dunno. Just wondered."

I watched him playing with his cookie and I licked the icing out of my own, "How old were you?" Nick shrugged again and picked up another cookie and took it apart. He had a row of four cookies all separated into the halves with and without icing. "Have you?" He shook his head no and continued to look at his row of cookies, "That’s good, kiddo… trust me, it’s better to wait. I wasn’t ready when I did it. I thought I was, but I wish now that I’d been older. I mean I was fourteen and he was twenty. That’s statutory rape, you know?  But I did it, and can’t take it back."

"It’s different for guys though…"

"How?"

"Well the guys are always talking about how they’ve screwed this girl, and did this with that girl… I just sit there and listen. They all look at me like Poor Nick the Virgin."

I smiled, "I bet if you asked any of them if they regretted losing their virginity at an early age they’d say yes. Hell I know AJ does. He was much too young when he lost it. Showed up at my house in the middle of the night knocking on my bedroom window all upset afterward. He slept next to me cuddled up in my arms all night long that night he was so upset with himself."

"Really?"

"Yup really…" I grabbed one of his cookies from the icing row and ate it.

"Well I guess I never thought about it that way. But I still feel like I’m such a loser."

"You’re not a loser," I smiled supportively. I reached out and made him look at me, "You’re not…"

"My girlfriend thinks so…"

"What happened with her today? Why did she leave?"

"Because she didn’t want to sleep with me…" he mumbled quietly.

I nodded, "Okay… so she’s not ready?"

He shrugged, "She said that she was but then freaked out and pushed me away. Said I was being too rough or something and that she’d changed her mind. She thought that I was only with her because I wanted to sleep with her."

"Were you?"

"No…"

"Just checkin’."

"But that was part of it. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t."

I nodded again, "Okay… You do know that for most girls, especially when they’re young… How old is she again?"

"Seventeen…"

"Yeah… she’s young, honey. And for a lot of young girls it’s a really big deal. Really big. And it’s not to say that she doesn’t want to with you, but she needs to feel totally comfortable with it before she can do it."

"Well I don’t have to worry about that cause she’s not coming back…"

"I bet she’ll be back…"

"No. She broke it off. Said that she didn’t want to see me anymore. That it was too hard to date me because I’m never around Florida anymore and we don’t go to school together or anything."

"I’m sorry, honey…"

"Whatever…"

"No, not whatever. It’s okay to be upset. Especially with me. Don’t hide that for my benefit…"

"I just don’t get it. I’m this ‘superstar’ and people have my face all over their walls and in their lockers but I can’t get a girl to even stay with me."

"It’s not going to be easy to have a relationship considering what you do, that’s for sure. But it’s not impossible. Just don’t assume that you’re doomed. It’ll happen when the time is right."

"Well the time IS right as far as I’m concerned."

I smiled, "Hang in there, Nickers…"

"I’m trying to. But I want it so bad…"

I laughed slightly and nodded, "I know…"

He rolled his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair, "Let me ask you something else…"

"Anything…"

"When we kissed on New Years, did I do it right?"

"Let me guess, she had a problem with your kisses too?"

"Yeah. Said I was too erotic or something. How the fuck is a kiss too erotic?"

I giggled, "That’s one I’ve never heard before. But, honey, you have nothing to worry about in the kissing department. Nothing at all…"

He grinned at me, "You liked it…"

I blushed and nodded, "Lots…"

"Cool…"

It was my turn to roll my eyes, "So forget about this girl. She’s obviously a prude… I never really liked her anyway… And I KNOW she didn’t like me."

Nick laughed, "Yeah she hated when you were around. Every time I told her we were meeting up with the guys she asked if you were going to be there."

I laughed, "Did she know about the kiss she missed on New Years?"

"Nope… kept that one to myself," he smiled.

"Cool…" I smiled back.

"Technically we’d broken up that night too, so I figured she didn’t need to know."

I nodded, "Makes sense…"

"Can I kiss you again?"

I about choked on the Oreo I was chewing on, "What?"

"Can I kiss you again?"

I looked at Nick for a moment and watched him, "Why?"

"Because I want to? I dunno… I just want to make sure that I’m doing it right."

"Honey, I told you that you’re doing it right."

"You were drunk that night… maybe you just thought it was good, but it wasn’t."

"I was NOT drunk that night," I laughed.

"Never mind…"

I sighed and shook my head looking at him, "It is your birthday…"

"Yeah…" he mumbled.

"And you are technically legal now…"

"Yeah…"

"And I haven’t been kissed in a while…"

"Yeah… wait, you haven’t?" Nick’s head shot up and looked at me.

"Good Lord, Nick I’m not that much of a slut. I know I get around but I do go without sometimes…"

"Sorry…"

I smiled and winked at him, "It’s okay…"

I watched him for a while longer and he looked up at me, "What?"

"Just thinking about what it’s going to be like kissing you again…"

"Wait a second. So you and Nick made out on New Years and on his birthday that year?"

"Yeah… God, I didn’t mean to do it. I mean I guess I did, but I didn’t mean for it to blow up like it did."

"How did it blow up?"

I sighed and looked down at my lap, "It didn’t stop with a kiss…"

The kiss that Nick and I shared turned into a full on make out session in the middle of the floor. Once he’d begun kissing me I’d gone back to that place that he’d taken me to out by the pool on New Years and I forgot all about him being my Little Nicky. My fingers were in his hair and our bodies were pressed together tightly rubbing up against each other every now and then to heighten the mood.

When we broke the kiss Nick was laying over me and I pushed his hair back from his face and smiled, "That was some kiss…"

"Does that count as just one kiss?" he smiled.

"Not really…"

"Was it really okay?"

I nodded and took note of the feeling rushing through my body, "Definitely. That girlie of yours just doesn’t know what a good kiss is, cause the way that you kiss… it’s damn good."

He blushed and smiled, "Thanks…"

"I don’t know what you did to her today but I doubt you did anything wrong if you kissed her like you just did me."

Nick frowned, "But how do I know I didn’t do anything wrong, touch her wrong?"

I bit my lip and thought about it, "Well you have to pay attention to how she reacts to you. Like if you kiss her and she doesn’t kiss you back, then something is wrong."

"You kissed me back…" he smiled.

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah I did. And let’s say you touch her somewhere… if she tenses up and doesn’t relax, or she moves your hand away, she’s not comfortable."

"Okay, but still… how do I know that when I touch her that I’m touching too hard or touching the wrong things…" he blushed and I smiled.

"You just figure it out, honey… either that or she’ll teach you…"

"I want to know ahead of time though. I want to know that I’m doing it right. I don’t want some girl thinking about how bad of a lay I was while I go around thinking I’m a super stud. Like the guy you slept with. He probably doesn’t even know that he sucked in bed…"

I laughed, "Yeah… that’s true. And he did think that he was a super stud."

Nick groaned, "See? I don’t want that…"

"Honey, you’re already a better kisser than he ever was… I think you’ll be fine."

"You THINK I’ll be fine. But you don’t know…"

"You’re thinking about this way too hard. Most people don’t know what they’re doing the first time. It’s just a fumbling mess and eventually you figure it out." Nick sighed again and I reached up to his face and ran my thumb over his cheek, "What can I do to help you feel better about this?"

"Teach me…"

Kevin choked on his beer and began to cough. "Sorry… I… you? You and Nick? You’re the woman who taught him?"

I rolled my eyes, "He told you about that?"

"Yeah… he said that someone taught him how to make love. That she’d taken her time with him and showed him everything so that he knew the right way to do it all. But he never said it was you. Holy shit… I thought it was some fan or groupie… but you? God it all makes sense now…"

"What makes sense?"

"Why he’s so good at fucking. You taught him how to do it."

I rolled my eyes again and groaned, "Kevin!"

"I’m serious, Kel… I’ve talked to women that he’s been with. They would go on about how attentive he was to them and how they’d never experienced anything like him before. I thought it was all because they’d put him on a pedestal but they all kept saying the same thing so I asked him about it and he told me about the woman… well you, and how you’d taught him… I believe it all now."

"Yeah… so I taught him…"

"Teach you?"

"Yeah… teach me what to do. How to do it right."

"Nicky I don’t…"

"Kel come on… it’s not like we don’t know each other. I’d rather learn this from you than to learn it from some groupie or something."

I sighed, "Don’t you dare let a groupie teach you about sex…"

"Well then teach me!"

"Nick…" I sighed and looked into his eyes. Damn his blue eyes. "But…"

"But what? You know I love you. So I’m not in love with you, but I didn’t even love Sarah and she was my girlfriend. I was going to sleep with her today if she’d let me. But with you at least my first time will be with someone that I care about. And I trust you. I trust that you know what you’re talking about when it comes to sex…"

"Cause I’m such a slut…" I sighed.

"You are not a slut. But you’re older than me and you’ve had more experience…"

"Slut…" I mumbled. "Nick I just don’t…"

"You’re not going to hurt me. I know that’s what you were going to say right?"

"Yeah…"

"But you’re not… I heard you once talking about how you and Kevin are both able to separate the physical act of sex from the love part. That’s what this can be. Just physical and a lesson for me."

"When did you hear us talking about that?"

"On the bus once. I was supposed to be asleep but was lying in my bunk listening to you talk."

"Nicky that’s not exactly a good thing. I mean, sex and love should go together. I want it to be right for you, not all warped like it is for me. Sex for me isn’t about love. But that’s because I started way too young and kept going from there. I don’t want you to have to separate the two…"

"But I told you, I love you. You’re one of my best friends. My only best friend who is a girl. Who better than to do this with?" I stared up into Nick’s eyes as he looked down at me and sighed. I could think of a dozen reasons why I shouldn’t do it, but could find a dozen more why it would be okay. Had it been some other kid, I probably would have been so flattered that he wanted me to be his first that I would have ravished him. But I loved Nick so much, he’d been such a big part of my life, and I’d always prided myself in taking care of him, making sure that he was okay and that no one hurt him, that I was scared. I was scared that I was going to hurt him, and I didn’t want to be the cause of any sort of pain for him. He brushed my lips with his and my eyes fluttered shut at the softness of his kiss. His breath covered my lips as he whispered to me, "I want you to teach me… show me how to please a woman… show me how to please you…"

I swallowed hard and tried to think clearly. "Um…" He kissed my lips again and slowly ran the tip of his tongue against mine before pulling it out again. "That’s good…" I whispered. "You’ve uh… gotta move slow like this at first. Lots of kissing, all over…"

"Like this?" he asked as he kissed my lips again and then moved them down along my jaw to my neck.

My hands fisted his tee shirt and I sighed as I nodded, "Yeah… behind the ear… it’ll drive her wild… use your tongue…" He followed my guidance and licked slowly over the sensitive spot behind my ear. "Good… the pulse point on my neck…"

"Here?" he asked as he nailed it perfectly and began to suck at it.

I gasped quietly and nodded, "Mmm hmm…"

He chuckled at my gasp and I thumped him in the head, "Don’t laugh…"

He chuckled again, "Sorry…" I smiled and ran my hands through his hair. "God I like that…" I smiled again as he looked down at me, "Now what?"

I took a deep breath still not convinced that I was going to follow through with this. "Touch me…"

"Where?"

"Where does your mind tell you to touch me?" He blushed and bit his lip looking down at me, "If you can’t do this then it means you’re not ready…"

"No I am…" he said quickly. "It just… well I’m new at this…"

"Follow your heart…" I told him quietly. "Kiss me and follow your heart. Remember to pay attention to my body too…" He nodded and swallowed before beginning to kiss me again. I was pleased that he didn’t automatically begin to grope me. Once he got back into the kissing his hand cautiously touched my waist and his thumb rubbed gently over my tank top. I didn’t resist and his hand slid down my hip and I pressed my hips to his eliciting a whimper from him. I slid my hands through his hair again and then down his back, slowly dragging my nails up his back. He pressed his body to me and increased the speed of the kiss. His hand began to slide up the inside of my leg and I tensed up purposely to see if he paid attention. He did, and pulled back looking into my eyes, "Good… not yet though…"

"Oh…" he said with a nod. I pulled him back to my mouth and slid my tongue into his mouth taking charge of the kiss. His hand returned to my waist and then moved upward and I smiled inwardly. Quick learner. Moving to my breast his hand practically trembled as he touched me. I pulled away from the kiss and licked at his neck slowly. He sighed in my ear as he began kissing my neck again and his hand squeezed my breast finally. I arched against his hand and slid my hands down his back again.

I was so used to not having to teach anyone what to do that it was killing me that Nick wouldn’t move on unless I told him what to do. I needed him to keep going, he was heating my body up like mad, and his slowness was torture. "Um… okay… skin…"

"What?" he asked looking at me again.

I half laughed and half groaned, "Skin… touch my skin. Slide your hand under my shirt, kiss my skin…"

He nodded and smiled, "Yeah… skin…"

Nick followed my orders like a pro. He carefully slid his hand under my top, running his fingers over my skin with an expert touch. I sighed and urged him silently to go further. He pushed my shirt up revealing my stomach and slid down my body to kiss around my belly button. I slid my fingers in his hair again and arched my back slightly. I sat up and pulled my shirt over my head not wanting to take any longer before he could explore my skin. He looked at me and licked his lips, "Do you know what licking your lips like that does to a girl?"

He laughed, "Nut uh…"

I smiled and shook my head, "It’s good…" I reached out and tugged his shirt over his head throwing it across the room. I ran my fingers down his chest and he shuddered watching me. I scooted closer to him and kissed his neck, "Relax…" I kissed down his chest and he took a deep breath. I sat in between his legs facing him and putting my legs over his wrapping them around his waist. I pulled his head down to mine again and licked his lips and then slid my tongue into his mouth as I reached behind my back and undid my bra and slipped it off. I then pressed my chest to his and he pulled me closer. He kissed my neck again as his hands slid up and down my back, and I did the same to him. His kisses trailed their way down toward my breasts and then he hesitated again, "Do it, Nicky…" I sighed. Carefully he moved his mouth to one of my breasts and kissed it gently. I guided his hands to my breasts and he resumed fondling them as he had before. He naturally got the point and began sucking at my flesh and took one of my nipples in his mouth running his tongue over it. I tipped my head back and took in a deep breath, "Oh, God, yes… that’s good…" He moved his mouth to the other breast and did the same before laying me back on the floor. Definitely a quick learner.

I worked at undoing his shorts and pushed them down his body and then used my feet to kick them off onto the floor. He then followed my lead and undid my shorts. I watched him with a breathless smile as he took such care unzipping my zipper. So careful, so slow, never wanting to make a mistake. I raised my hips and helped him pull my shorts down and as he moved back up my body he ran his fingers up my legs producing goose bumps over my body. When he reached the top of my legs he leaned down and ran his tongue along the crease where my leg met my body then moved to do the same with my other leg. All thoughts of turning back had completely fled my mind and my body was calling out for more. His eyes met mine as he ran his thumbs under the fabric of my panties and I nodded to him signaling that he could go further.

He discarded my panties with the same gentle movements that he’d removed my shorts and then looked down at my body with a blushing smile, "You’re beautiful…"

I smiled, "Thank you…" I reached my arms out to him and he lay back down on the floor with me.

His hand slid up the inside of my thigh once again and when I didn’t hesitate he did, "Kel, I…"

"What, honey?" He blushed and couldn’t form the words but I understood. I guided his hand over my body with my own and showed him what he needed to know. "Look at me," I smiled and he looked into my eyes. "You need to know how to do this without looking…" He smiled and chuckled. He let me move his hand between my legs feeling the moist heat that he had been producing within and the look on his face was priceless. He bit his lip as his eyes glazed over with lust at the feeling against his fingers. "Feel that?" I said as I guided his fingers to my clit.

"This?" he asked as he ran his finger over the bud.

My hips moved toward his hand and I gasped at him, "Stop…"

"What?"

"Don’t do that while I’m trying to talk…" I smiled. "But remember that spot… don’t ever forget it…"

He grinned at me and stroked it again with his fingertip, "So you like it when I do this?"

I closed my eyes and nodded, "Shit… uh huh…" I pressed his fingers so that they’d enter my body and I moaned at the sensation.

When I started to move my hips, Nick got the hint and began moving his fingers in and out of me at the same pace. "Damn…" he whispered as he watched the effect he was having on me.

I couldn’t take any more, I needed him inside of me and I reached out to stop his hand, "Now…" He looked at me in shock and I pulled his boxers down his body. His chest was heaving with nervous excited breaths and he watched me run my hands down his thighs. I guided him back on top of me and reached out and touched his erection slowly and carefully stroking it making sure not to get him too excited and cause him to lose it early. I placed the head of his cock to my opening and he looked into my eyes as I pushed at his ass urging him to enter me fully. I had to remind him to breathe as he began moving within me and squeezed him within my grasp slowing down his movements, "Let me hear you, Nicky… don’t hold it back…" I whispered as I licked as his earlobe. Nick let go of the sounds he’d been holding in and within a few minutes his body shuddered with his orgasm and I held him close running my fingers gently up and down his body as he calmed down.

When he’d regained his composure he lifted his head and looked at me, "Damn, Kel… I…"

"Shh… I smiled and kissed him.

"Thank you…" he whispered against my lips. I smiled and pushed his sweaty bangs out of his face gently. "Did you um… was it okay?"

I nodded, "It was really good…"

"Yeah? But did… uh…" He sighed and looked at me, "Don’t make me say it… did you?"

I laughed, "Say it, Nicky… ‘Did you cum?’ It’s not hard to say…"

"Did you cum?" he mumbled.

I chuckled at his shyness, "Um… almost. But it’s okay…"

"What? You didn’t? Oh god I suck!"

I began to laugh again, "You do NOT suck! Oh my god, Nick, you SO don’t suck. You just…"

"Just what?" he sighed.

"Just have to hold out a little longer. It’s partially my fault because I made you stop the foreplay early…"

He sighed and shook his head. "I can do this right…"

"I’m sure you can, honey… you did do it right…"

His mouth was once again on mine before I could say anything else and his tongue pushed past my lips into my mouth. I moaned against his kiss as he pulled his length from me and replaced it with his fingers. His mouth explored my body as his fingers probed me and again pushed me to another level. Everything I’d shown him the first time around he remembered and embellished as he found the courage to try new things. He truly listened to my body language and found pleasure points that I hadn’t even pointed out. Some that I didn’t even know where there.

Instead of focusing on one act at a time as he head before he combined them. His fingers pushed in and out of me as his thumb rubbed at my clit slowly and his tongue ran along the crease of my leg meeting my body. I couldn’t stand it. It was pure heaven and pure torture all at the same time. Then just as I began to lose it he pulled his fingers away from me as I whimpered and then slid his recovered erection into me. "Tell me how you like it…" he said quietly in my ear before moving.

I could barely breathe, but somehow I found the strength to speak, "Deeper…" He pressed deeper into me and I moaned, "Yes…"

"What else?"

"Faster…" We fell into a comfortable groove with one another moving together and working against each other’s movements. "God, Nick," I sighed as I could feel my release building. "I’m almost there." Then just when I was about to pass the threshold he slid his hand between our bodies and began rubbing my clit as he continued to move within me. That was all it took and an earth shattering orgasm swept over me.

I looked at Kevin, "No one had ever made me feel the way he did that day…" I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "I don’t know if anyone has made me feel that way since. I mean, the way that AJ makes love to me, it’s so different. It’s amazing, but no one has done what Nick did. I spent the whole day and night with him. Letting him explore my body, teaching him things about a woman’s body and things about his own. The next morning I was sitting out on the beach when he woke up. You know that picture he drew for the auction?"

"Yeah?"

"That was me… he drew it from memory of that morning. I’d woken up and realized what we’d done. I sat out there on the beach thinking about it all and decided that as amazing as it all had been the night before that we couldn’t go back there. We talked about it that morning and decided that we’d just leave it be. There was no way that it could have worked. He was eighteen, I was twenty-one, and he was about to truly hit superstar status. Plus AJ was my best friend and it just… well it broke all of the rules you know?"

He nodded, "Yeah I understand…"

"But the worst part… I fell in love with him. I fell hopelessly in love with him. I’d never thought that I’d fall in love. I thought I was doomed to just have meaningless sex with men who didn’t give a rip about me for the rest of my life, but he showed me that I didn’t have to do that. Showed me how being with someone that I cared for meant so much more. But because I didn’t want to hurt him, I kept it a secret and tried my best to hide it."

"It got hard to do didn’t it?"

I nodded, "Yeah. I couldn’t stand to be around him because I wanted to be with him so bad. So I stopped coming around as much. I pulled away and just focused on my friendships with you and AJ. But when I showed up in Florida this month… everything just changed. That first night when we were clubbing and Nick showed up and danced with me. I didn’t get sick from drinking too much. I can fucking drink AJ under the table, I wasn’t drunk. I lost it because Nick kissed me and took me back to that feeling again. And the day that we had that meeting and Nick stood up for me to Richard about my ability to do this book… he went after me when I ran off. He kissed me again that day." I looked at him, "I know what you’re thinking… and yes I do love AJ. That’s not a lie. I never thought that I’d end up with him. It just happened. And I didn’t think about Nick as it happened. Nick didn’t even know that I’d been in love with him until after I got together with AJ."

"But he does know now?"

"Yeah… when AJ told Nick about us I went to find Nick because I hasn’t wanted him to find out that way. We fought and argued and I admitted it to him. That’s why he was acting so weird for a while. He was trying to process it all and didn’t know how. But things seemed to be getting better. Every now and then he seems a little uncomfortable around us when AJ and I are getting too sentimental, but he was doing okay."

"He did seem better. What happened last night?"

I rubbed my face with my hands and sighed, "Last night we were dancing, and he started telling me about how his eighteenth birthday was the best one he’d ever had. How he thought about it all of the time, and how it killed him to be so close to me and not be able to follow through on what his body wanted. He said something about how much it killed him to watch AJ and I run off to screw, and when I tried to walk away from him he grabbed my wrist and whispered in my ear. He asked me if I thought about him when AJ was inside of me…"

"Jesus… he didn’t?"

"I hit him. That bruise on his face that he said he got from tripping when he got home last night? I gave him that bruise after he said that to him."

"Well he deserved it. That’s ridiculous."

"I know but… that’s not the worst of my problems… I think he’s in love with me."

He sighed and nodded, "Sounds like he is… Does AJ know about any of this?" I shook my head no, "Do you love Nick?"

"I’ve always loved Nick…"

"I know, honey, but you know what I mean. Are you in love with him?"

I laid back on the bed next to him and looked up at the ceiling, "I think part of me still is…"

"And are you in love with AJ?"

"More than I can explain in words…" I said as a tear fell down my cheek. "I don’t want to hurt them..."

Kevin pulled me into his arms and hugged me, "I know you don’t. And trust me, I know that you didn’t do any of this on purpose."

"Do you think it’s possible to love two people equally? Or am I just confused about what I want?"

"I think it’s possible to love more than one person. I mean think about people like my mom who fall madly in love and marry the person of their dreams. They live happy love filled lives together and then one of them dies. I don’t think that means that she’s doomed to be alone for the rest of her time on the planet. Maybe though that with you, you found both of your soul mates at the same time…"

"What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"I really don’t know kiddo. But we’ll figure it out. Maybe we just need to ride it out for a while and see what happens. It might actually play itself out for you."

"If my head doesn’t explode first…" I laughed.

"I’ll keep your head from exploding…" he giggled.

"God, Kev, what would I do without you?"

"Your head would explode…"

I laughed and smacked him in the chest, "Smart ass…"

We cuddled for a while before he spoke up again, "So Nick is the best you’ve ever had?"

I laughed, "On some levels yeah…"

"I thought I was…"

"Honey, you by far have been the best ‘push me up against the wall and fuck me now’ sex I’ve ever had. But Nicky was the best in other ways…"

He smiled, "Okay, just as long as I’m still the best in some ways… I was gunna get jealous you know?"

"Yeah…" I giggled. "Does Kristen know about our one night stand?"

"Yup…"

"You better not ever fuck up your relationship with her. She’s too good. To know that I screwed you and have her still trust me to be with you and flirt with you the way I do? That’s a good woman."

"Oh I know she is… and when you and I were together it was before we were serious. She knows that. Neither of us were very faithful then. I’m lucky that I have her…"

I smiled and cuddled up to him again, "So am I…"

 

Thirty Three

~ Philadelphia, PA… Day two, concert #6 ~

"Rise and shine sleepy heads…"

I let out my normal morning moan and cuddled up to the warm body next to me, "Not yet…"

"It’s time to get u,p Kel… come on girlie. Don’t make me jump on this bed and knock you out of it…"

"Don’t you dare, AJ…" Kevin mumbled and wrapped his arms tighter around me while nuzzling his face against my neck.

"Dude, you’re all over my girl! Get up," AJ said as he shook the bed slightly. Neither Kevin nor I budged and I heard AJ sigh. "Kel? Come on baby get up."

"Too comfy with Kev…" I yawned with my eyes still closed.

"Fine… you asked for it," AJ laughed and seconds later he pulled the blankets and sheet from us.

"AJ!" Kevin and I whined together as the cool air of the room hit us.

"Get UP!" Kevin and I finally opened our eyes and looked at AJ where he stood at the foot of the bed. We then looked at each other and went back to cuddling. "Uh, Kev…"

"Whaaaat?"

"Your hand is on my woman’s ass."

I laughed as Kevin lifted his head slightly to look at his hand, smiled, and then lay his head back down, "Sure is…"

"Kevin!" AJ shouted.

"Yeah?"

"She’s mine…" AJ pouted.

I giggled and looked at AJ, "Share me?"

"Nope…"

"Oh come on…" I smiled. "I could enjoy being in the middle of an AJ & Kev sandwich."

"Mmm… a sandwich sounds good," Kevin laughed.

"Doesn’t it? Come on, Age, we need the other half of the bun."

"I think he’d have to be the bottom half. Those are typically the skinny part of the bun."

I giggled again, "True… Come on sexy…" I reached out my hand toward AJ and wiggled my fingers. "Be our bun, baby…"

"Y’all are crazy. I can’t believe that I willingly left you two alone all night."

"You know you love us…" I smiled.

He nodded, "Yeah. But, Kev, you really need to get your hand off of her ass. That’s killing me."

"It’s not killing me though…" Kevin laughed. "How about you, Kel? Is it killing you?"

"Nope. Kinda nice actually," I grinned. "I could use a little nibbling on my neck though…"

"I can handle that…" Kevin smiled.

"Oh no you don’t!" AJ said loudly and crawled onto the bed lying down behind me.

"Hi honey…" I smiled over my shoulder at him.

"Nibbling is MY job…" AJ mumbled as he spooned up to my body. "And you need to move your hand now…"

"Fine…" Kevin sighed and took his hand and moved it to AJ’s ass. "How’s that?" he laughed.

"Better…" AJ giggled and kissed the back of my neck.

I smiled and closed my eyes taking great comfort in being wrapped in the arms of my two best friends and began to giggle. "What?" Kevin asked after laughing at me.

I grinned and shook my head, "I just really love my life…"

*****

"Where the hell is Brian?" AJ groaned as he walked around on stage waiting for rehearsal to begin.

"Probably hitting on some girl backstage," I laughed.

Kevin shook his head, "I swear he’s worse than Howie lately…"

"Nah… I’ve still got him beat," Howie grinned.

I rolled my eyes, "Playa…"

"Basically…" he smiled. "Can’t leave Nicky out of the equation though," Howie smiled. "Talk about a boy who can get the women. You should have seen him last night at the pool hall." I glanced at Nick and he was looking down at the floor pretending to not be listening. We hadn’t spoken to each other since his birthday. Each time I’d forget about that night and got ready to talk to him about something I’d see the bruise I’d left on his cheek and it reminded me of the painful things he’d said. "Nicky turned 21 and the next night turned into a full on pimp. What I want to know though is what you and that blonde did when you disappeared into the bathroom for twenty minutes last night Nick..."

Nick looked at Howie and smiled, "We held hands…"

Howie groaned, "Yeah right…"

"I’ll have you know…" AJ piped in. "That I was a good boy last night and stuck to playing pool while these fools ran around getting sucked off by pool hall sluts."

I smiled weakly and kissed AJ’s lips, "Thank you, baby." I looked at Kevin knowing that he’d been watching me. "Come on, Kev, let’s go find your cuz…" Kevin nodded and walked backstage with me. Once we were away from the rest of the guys he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I smiled and wrapped an arm around his waist. "Thanks…"

He nodded, "Told you I’m going to keep your head from exploding…"

I giggled, "I have the feeling that you’re gunna be pretty busy then…"

Kevin shrugged, "Not a problem."

"He won’t even look at me."

"I noticed that. Give it some time. You both are the type that need a little space to think things through and then you’re okay."

"True," I said as I stopped walking and looked around. "Where IS Brian?"

"We probably don’t want to know," he said and smiled.

"Brian!" I yelled out loudly and laughed. "Briiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaan!" Kevin and I proceeded to walk around calling Brian’s name obnoxiously giggling like fools.

"Are y’all on speed?" Brian asked as he walked up behind us several minutes later grinning.

I rolled my eyes and smacked him in the head, "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well I WAS taking a piss," he laughed. "But then I heard two idiots yelling my name and giggling so I've been following them around for ten minutes watching them.

We all laughed and I jumped on Brian’s back messing up his hair and pretending to choke him. He laughed, "Ride me, baby…"

"Giddyup, Rok…" I giggled and smacked his ass.

He neighed liked a horse as he carried me piggyback toward the stage and Kevin walked along side laughing. When we made it back to the stage AJ looked up at us from where he was sitting on the floor, "Found him huh?"

"Yeah…" I smiled and jumped down to my feet again. "Thanks for the ride," I smiled.

"Anytime…" he grinned wiggling his eyebrows.

I winked at him and laughed, "I swear, I need another girl on this tour with me. I can’t handle all of the sexual advances from y’all…A girl has to get her rest you know?"

"I’m sure you can handle it," Howie smiled.

"Yeah we’ll let you rest occasionally," Kevin laughed.

"Yup, plus if you take on two of us at the same time, you’ll have even more time to rest," Brian added as I smiled at him and shook my head.

"If anyone can handle two of us at once it’s Kel…"Nick said with no sarcasm in his voice at all as he walked toward the back of the stage to get his water.

Everyone but Kevin and I laughed. I forced a smile and kept myself from looking at Nick, "Yeah well that’s true. No one else could tolerate y’all’s shit like I do."

Kevin reached out and put his hand on the back of my neck letting his thumb rub circles between my shoulders, "And that’s one of the many reasons why we love you so much…" He kissed my cheek and I smiled. "Now let’s get this rehearsal done before it gets too late and we’re stuck here with no time to go back to the hotel and rest before the show."

I turned to AJ as all of the guys got ready to rehearse. "I think I’m going to go get some pictures of the venue and maybe find some fans to give M&G passes to. I’m sure I’ve got plenty of rehearsal pictures for now. If I’m not back when you’re done, just call me okay?"

"Sure, baby…" he smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist.  "You okay though?"

I looked into his eyes knowing that I couldn’t lie to him and get away with it. I shrugged my shoulders and hugged him. His hands rubbed my back and I closed my eyes wishing that we could stay like that forever. I knew that we both had to work though and pulled back just as a tear fell from one of my eyes. I smiled but he didn’t, "I’m just emotional today… I’ll be okay…"

AJ sighed and held my face in his hands studying my eyes, "You know what I think we need?" I shook my head no. "AJ and KJ time…" I smiled and nodded. "We really haven’t had much alone time since the tour began. We went from being alone for days at a time back home to hanging out as a group again every night. I think it’s beginning to take its toll."

I nodded, "It’s weird. I’m with you so much, but I miss you." Another tear fell down my cheek and hit AJ’s thumb. He pushed it away gently.

"Same here… So tonight after the concert it’s just you and me. No clubs, no parties, no phones. Just us, room service, pay per view and cuddling while talking about nothing all night long."

"That sounds wonderful," I said as my face lit up with a smile.

"Now that’s the smile I fell in love with," he grinned.

"I love you," I whispered as I tiptoed to kiss him gently.

"Not nearly as much as I love you."

"Okay so let’s both go work so that the day can go by faster and we can have our date…"

"Ooh a date with my girlfriend? What will I wear?"

I grinned and picked up my camera bag, "I’d be happy with just a smile, baby…" I kissed him again and smiled as I walked toward the backstage.

"I think I can handle that, " AJ laughed as I walked away.

"I know you can…" I called out over my shoulder. I walked by Nick on my way out and glanced at him. He was watching me with a cocky look on his face and I stopped for a moment and walked up to him and looked up at him. Speaking quietly yet firmly I addressed him, "Don’t ever pull shit like that with me again. If you have a problem with me, then you deal with it with ME. Don’t drag the rest of them in on it. Trying to humiliate me in front of them will only end up getting you burned in the end because I don’t play that game. You should know that by now… Don’t fuck with me Nick or this is going to be one long and miserable tour for you. I guarantee it."

 

Thirty Four

"Which movie, baby?" AJ called out to me as I thanked the delivery guy and carried our bag of Chinese food into the bedroom of our suite.

"I don’t care… whatever you want," I smiled and sat down next to him. I began unloading the food cartons and plastic forks. "Here’s yours…"

"Thank you…" he smiled and took his food. "How about… uh…" he flipped through the pay per view options with the remote. "We’ve seen most of these…"

"Well either pick one you’d like to see again or that we haven’t seen…"

"You’re not going to help at all are you?"

"Nope, cause I’m the one who found the late night Chinese delivery place and ordered dinner. You get to pick the movie…" I smiled at him and he groaned then giggled. "Honey, we can watch the Cartoon Network for all I care. As long as I’m with you…"

"We watch cartoons too much," he laughed. "People our age shouldn’t know as much about kid shows as we do."

"Yeah, well… we’re special. People our age also don’t typically pull in the kind of money that you do and travel around the world on an eleven month tour either."

"Good point…" he nodded and flipped to the Cartoon Network. "Powerpuff Girls it is…"

An hour later we’d scarfed our food down and were lying on our stomachs with our heads at the foot of the bed watching television. Our knees were bent and feet were in the air occasionally swaying toward each other to play footsies while we watched Dexter’s Laboratory.

"I say we make a point to do this at least once a week."

I smiled and turned my head to look at him, "Our weekly date… I love it."

"Good… you’re in a better mood."

"I feel better," I smiled and kissed him. I wasn’t lying, I did feel better. I hadn’t thought of Nick all night and he’d steered clear of me after I’d confronted him earlier that day. I’d decided that until he came to me to discuss things that I wasn’t going to let him get to me. I’d always babied Nick because he was the youngest, but the truth was that he was an adult and needed to act like one. I was on tour to do a job, to be a friend and to be a girlfriend. I wasn’t there to make Nick pull his head out of his ass and talk to me. I’d been so wrapped up in worrying about him that I’d nearly forgotten about the amazing best friend and boyfriend that I had by my side. I wasn’t going to let that happen anymore though.

"Well I’m glad. You’ve seemed pretty up and down lately. I figured that you were going through the transition of getting used to being on tour again."

"Yeah. That and Nick. He’s been really weird around me again. I had to yell at him today."

"I noticed that you two haven’t been real chummy since his birthday. Want me to talk to him?"

"No…" I said shaking my head and looking down at the bedspread. "He’ll come around sooner or later. I don’t want to force the issue unless I have to."

"Well you know that if he needs some pushing around all you have to do is say the word."

I smiled, "That was such a boyfriend thing to say."

AJ laughed, "Yeah it was wasn’t it?"

I rolled onto my back and looked up at him, "Do you ever have those moments of clarity where you stand back and think about us?"

"All the time," he smiled.

"I just had a ‘Wow… AJ is my boyfriend’ moment."

"I have those… Like when we’ll be at a venue doing something and someone will say your name. My heart kind of fills up and I smile and think, ‘God I love her…’ Or the other day you were taking pictures of Nick and Brian wrestling on stage and one of the venue security guards was standing with Marcus and me watching. He was totally watching you though and gawking at you. Then he asked about you but said something like, ‘Damn who is she? Tell me you don’t get to tour with that and see her every day.’"  I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Yeah nice, huh? But anyway I just looked at him and said, ‘Actually she’s my girlfriend, and yes she is touring with us.’"

I smiled and played with the cross dangling from AJ’s neck, "Did he freak out?"

"Not too bad, but he kept apologizing. After he left I must have stood there watching you for a good twenty minutes. Just watching you load film into your camera, or talking to a roadie. Anything that you do just pulls me in and I can’t look away. I’ve never been so into someone. It’s amazing. I can’t even explain it cause it’s so strong. I mean, you know I’ve loved you for years.  But since we’ve gotten together as a couple it’s just gotten stronger. I didn’t think that I could love you any more than I already did, but I do every day." I stared into AJ’s eyes as he watched me and then I smiled, "What?"

"I think I just fell a little bit further in love with you…"

*****

AJ and I are so much alike at times that it’s pitiful. We are practically the same person in two bodies most of the time. I’m sure it has a lot to do with why we’d always been such close friends and then when we became lovers things just intensified. Despite our similarities in personalities though, there were still some things though that we just didn’t have in common.

Take for example food. I’m pretty open about what I eat. I’ll try almost anything once and I’m into eating weird things that a lot of people wouldn’t eat. AJ on the other hand is not one to try new foods easily. On many occasions I’d been known to get Kevin to help me hold AJ down while I force fed AJ something just so that he’d try it. Call it the sick and twisted side of me, but I found joy in torturing him like that.

Another way that we were different though was sleeping. AJ and I both loved to sleep, and I was notorious for over sleeping. AJ was pretty good at doing that too, but on a regular basis would wake up before me. The exception to the rule though was after sex sleeping. When AJ and I would have sex all night I would almost always wake up before him. Sometimes hours before him. We’d both crash and have that great comfortable sleep that you could only get after mind-blowing love making and then while he’d continue that sleep, I’d wake up totally revived pacing around waiting for him to wake up.

The morning after our first "AJ & KJ Date" of the tour was no exception to the rule. I woke up bright and early, full of energy and hungry. AJ meanwhile was so deep into sleep that even my kissing his neck didn’t make him flinch. He loved when I kissed his neck.

I sighed and sat up in bed looking around the room not knowing what to do with myself. I snapped a few pictures of AJ unable to resist capturing the moment on film noting that those pictures would go into my "Kel’s Eyes Only" file with a smile. When my hunger took precedence over my boredom I finally got dressed and scribbled a note to AJ leaving it stuck to the television screen for him. I headed up to the top of the hotel where there was a restaurant and asked for a table near a window so that the artist in me could take in the view as the sun moved high into the sky. I ordered a huge coffee, orange juice and more food than I needed, then focused out of the window.

I loved watching a city wake up. Wondering where people were rushing to in their taxis and busses. Watching the colors change as the sun slowly moves high enough to move around the shadows cascading over the buildings. I’d spent many a sunrise and sunset on the roof of my building in New York taking pictures of the scenery. Just watching out of the window of the hotel made me long to be watching the sunrise from my roof back home in New York. Not that I didn’t want to be on tour, or be with the guys, I would have just loved to be home for a bit. By the end of the week we would be in New Jersey, and a few days later would be in Nassau, New York, but that was still over two hours away from my cute little apartment that I loved so much. I was going to have to wait to be back there until the first leg of the tour ended in March.

"Excuse me…" the waiter said quietly pulling me from my gaze out of the window.

"Yes?"

"Sorry to interrupt you, but I have a message from you and I’m supposed to wait for an answer from you."

I shot him a confused look, "Oh yeah?"

"Yes… here," the waiter handed me a note and I opened it up.

It’s Wednesday, I was supposed to pay for breakfast this week. I promise not to be an ass if you give me another chance…

I looked up at the waiter and smiled. I then looked around the quiet restaurant. There were only a few other customers, and none of them of the twenty one year old blonde superstar persuasion. "He’s hiding isn’t he?"

The waiter nodded and smiled, "Won’t come in unless you give him the okay through me."

I chuckled and flipped the note over, "Can I borrow your pen?" The waiter handed me his pen and I scribbled a note and gave it to him, "You can take this to him. Thank you…"

"No problem…"

I waited for a few minutes and then smiled as Nick came in and sat down across the table from me. He held the note up with a questioning look on his face, "Boxers or Briefs?"

I laughed, "The waiter… not you. I know what you wear."

"Oh…" he chuckled.

I smiled, "Remember when we used to sit around wasting time trying to figure out what people wore to bed and what kind of underwear they wore?"

"Yeah, that was fun. Always used to get us into trouble though. Kevin didn’t enjoy it when we’d be laughing like fools while he was getting interviewed off in the corner."

"He was a little paranoid back then…"

"Just a little…"

"So, what do you think?"

"About what?"

I rolled my eyes, "The waiter… boxers or briefs?"

"Oh… uh…" he looked across the large room and then looked at me, "Briefs… bright purple ones with pink polka dots."

We both giggled and the waiter eventually came over to take Nick’s order, which just ended up with us laughing even harder. We goofed off for a while and when my food came we ate together sharing like we had the week before. I looked up at him noticing the fading bruise on his cheek and felt a familiar pain in my heart. He must have caught the look on my face though because when he finished taking a drink from his glass he smiled, "It doesn’t hurt anymore…"

I nodded and bit my lip, "That’s good…"

He shrugged, "Yeah, I guess. But when it did hurt it was just a reminder for me how much of an ass I was and how much I must have hurt you. I’m so sorry. I should have never said the things that I did. And yesterday I shouldn’t have pulled that shit with you. Thank you for calling me on it."

"I hated doing that…" I said quietly looking down at my food. "But you pissed me off…"

"I know." He chuckled, "I definitely know. Trust me, when you’re pissed off it shows. I’ve known for a long time that I never wanted to be on the wrong end of your temper."

I cracked a slight smile and nodded, "Yeah… I get pretty heated. I don’t even remember what I said to you. I just remember going off and trying not to yell so that the others wouldn’t hear me."

"Well you were effective. I was up half the night thinking about it all…"

I looked at his eyes, "You look tired…"

"I’m always tired on tour."

"Yeah but not like this."

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, "This has been a rough month you know? I mean so much has happened in just a few weeks that it’s crazy…"

I nodded, it was strange to think that everything that had been going on had started less than a month before. I’d flown down to Florida to visit AJ in part way into January and a few weeks later there I was on a world tour, in a relationship and I’d not only told Nick, but also Kevin about what I’d felt for Nick over the years. "Nothing like catching up for lost time huh?" I smiled.

"That what this is? We went for three years without hanging out much and now we’re trying to catch up and squeeze all of the drama that we missed back into our lives?" he smiled and laughed.

"Could be… but I’m thinking that we should give up on that plan and just kind of chill out for a while. Drama will find us on its own, no reason to make it worse you know?"

He nodded, "Sounds good to me… And Wednesday mornings are still mine right?"

I smiled, "Sure thing… on one condition."

"Name it…"

"Total honesty. When you’re having a problem, even if you think it might upset me… talk to me. Don’t hold it in so that it comes out one night when you’re drunk. I don’t want to fight with you, Nicky. I’m still your friend despite everything that we’ve revealed to each other in the past few weeks. And I’m still here to listen even when it’s about me."

His finger drew a line down the condensation on the side of his glass and then looked up at me and nodded, "Okay. Same goes for you too though. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk about AJ around me anymore because of what I said on my birthday. I really do think that you guys are good together. What I said that night, and yesterday for that matter, was me being jealous. I see how happy the two of you are together and I wish that I had it too. But really, if you ever need to talk about AJ, I’m always willing to listen."

I smiled and reached across the table and took his hand, "Thank you…"

He smiled and nodded, "Thank YOU… for not killing me for being such an ass."

I laughed, "I don’t kill, I just torture…"

 

 

Thirty Five

~ Philadelphia, PA… Day three, concert #7 ~

Backstreet Boys on caffeine... That’s about as scary of a statement as Postal Workers with guns. You can’t possibly take five men in their twenties who are confined to small spaces like hotel rooms and tour busses and let them have a bottomless access to caffeine. Yet, that’s what nearly every venue that we’d traveled to did. Craft Service is not my friend. Well okay I take that back, Craft Service is a great thing when you’re starving and you walk into a room and there is a table of food sitting there begging to be picked at. But the never-ending supply of Coke and Mt. Dew on a Craft Service table is not my friend. People think that I’m bad on caffeine, but it’s nothing compared to my boys on the stuff.

I walked out of the group dressing room drenched in water and ran into Kevin, "Oh god what did they do to you?"

I rolled my eyes and held my shirt away from my body shaking water off onto the floor, "Fucking idiots attacked me with their water bottles!"

Kevin giggled, "I probably shouldn’t go in there then huh?"

I started walking down the hall, "Kevin they didn’t even have a reason! They just opened up new full bottles of water and started pouring them on me! I know I’ve been known to start shit, but good lord I was just sitting there! I swear if they don’t stop giving them caffeine I’m going to hurt someone."

"Where are you going?" Kevin asked as he followed me in my huff.

"I’m going to see if the souvenir stations are set up yet. I can’t walk around here in a wet shirt. Fucking hell…"

He laughed and I shot a look at him, "I’m sorry…it’s just that you’re kinda cute when you’re pissed like this… swearing and all…"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, "Why did I agree to do this again?"

"Because you love us despite the fact that we’re a bunch of boys and you didn’t want to spend a year apart from your boyfriend. Oh and there’s also the fact that we’re paying you to do it…" he said and grinned.

I laughed, "Yeah because I sure as hell wouldn’t take this torture for free… I should have started charging you guys a long time ago! And my boyfriend… oh he’s SO sleeping on the couch tonight…"

"He didn’t…"

"Oh yes he did!" I practically yelled. "It was him, Howie and Brian!"

"Howie?"

"Yes! Short little fuck pouring water on me…"I mumbled. "I’m so going to get them back… they don’t know what they started…"

"Can I help?"

I looked up at him and grinned my evil grin, "Oh yeah…"

Kevin and I talked on the way to and back from the tee shirt stand and decided that the best revenge for me to take on the guys would be good old-fashioned campground torture. Between his being raised on a camp and the many years that I’d been shipped off to summer camp as a girl we had plenty of stupid tricks up our sleeves to annoy the three stooges who’d decided to gang up on me with their water. For some strange reason at the beginning of the tour I’d been given spare keys to all of the Boys’ busses. Even they didn’t have keys to their busses, but I did, and I used that to my advantage later that night after the concert.

We were headed from Pennsylvania to Washington DC the next morning, so when all of us were hanging out watching a movie after the concert Kevin and I snuck off under the façade that we were going to find microwave popcorn. All of the boys bought it, and we left without any hassle.

As we walked down the hall giggling I stopped off at my and AJ’s suite and grabbed a bag of supplies that I’d hid in the closet earlier that night. Marcus and Carlos walked behind us shaking their heads and I laughed, "You can’t tell anyone that you watched us do this, got me?"

"Yes ma’am…" Marcus smiled.

"Cause if you do tell, you’re subject to your own share of revenge… We know where you sleep too…" Kevin smiled.

"We’re not saying a word… you two are looking for popcorn, we were just following you for your own safety."

Kevin and I smiled, "I believe these two deserve a bonus on their next paycheck."

Once we made it to the busses, which were thankfully parked in a back lot where no fans could see or have access, we started our mission. I laughed so hard as we attended to the busses that I almost wet my pants, and Kevin was literally gasping for breath as he laughed. On Howie’s bus we short sheeted his bunk and smeared Vaseline in them knowing that as soon as we left town he’d be crawling into his bed trying to get some extra sleep. For Brian, who had a bladder weaker than a pregnant woman in her third trimester we saran wrapped his toilet, which would provide a real nice mess for him to contend with as the bus rocked its way down the highway. Then, for my dear boyfriend, we were horrible. First we short sheeted his bed too knowing that he’d want to go straight back to sleep once he got on the bus, and seeing that it was winter and he was a whine ass about the cold, I knew he’d get under the covers. Then we opened all of the sunroofs on the bus so that when he got in there it would be extra cold. We also smeared baby oil on random spots of the linoleum floors to lube them up and then poked a hole in the end of his toothpaste tube so that when he tried to use it he’d squirt toothpaste on himself. The best part though was that in all three busses we rigged up water balloons, large ones, to hang above the doorways of the bathrooms so that once the doors were opened all three of the fools would get doused.

I dumped my bag of supplies in a dumpster next to the busses after pulling out a handful of microwave popcorn packets looking at Kevin, Marcus and Carlos, "Well look what I found! Microwave popcorn! I guess we can go back to the room now huh?"

"Well I’d sure say so…" Kevin grinned and linked his arm with mine.

"Oh and, Kev?"

"Yeah?"

"I’m riding in your bus tomorrow…" I giggled.

"Good idea…"

~~~~~

AJ yawned as we stood outside of the busses and he pouted, "But I want cuddle with you…"

I shook my head and patted his cheek, "You’ll be fine. I have to spend time alone with each of you guys taking pictures… today is Kevin’s day to have me. It’s a short drive to DC, baby, you’ll get to cuddle me before you know it…"

He continued to pout and sighed, "Fine… but he better keep his hands off of your ass…"

I laughed and kissed him gently on the lips, "Go on…I’ll see you in a while…" I sent AJ on his way and then quickly made it onto Kevin’s bus. "Go go go…" I giggled to the bus driver who we’d warned that we needed to get moving as soon as I was on the bus. We’d figured that in the case that one of the guys discovered his prank before their bus started moving, they wouldn’t be able to catch up to us until we were to DC if we were the first ones to leave the lot. I looked out the window of the bus and laughed, "Oh god they’re going to kill us…"

"Yeah well they asked for it…" Kevin smiled from where he was sitting on the couch.

"True…" I smiled and sat down next to him kicking my shoes up and pulling my feet up onto the couch. "So how long you think before they show up on the CB?"

"Ten minutes tops… Brian will probably be first…maybe Howie…"

I giggled and nodded, "Yeah… we probably should warn Nick huh? They might automatically think it’s him since he’s known to prank during tours…"

"True…" Kevin laughed. "So I see you two are talking again?"

"Yep. We had breakfast yesterday together. Kind of came to the conclusion that he’s gotta stop shutting down like that with me and tell me what’s on his mind instead of holding it all in until he blows up."

"What did he say to that?"

"He agreed… told me that he was sorry and that he’d deserved to be smacked on his birthday and that I had good reason to yell at him in rehearsal the other day. I…"

"You yelled at him?"

"Oh yeah… after the comment about me handling more than one guy at a time… When I left the stage I stopped and told him not to fuck with me… among other things."

"Go you!"

I smiled, "Yeah. He pissed me off…"

"Me too… he shouldn’t have said that…"

I shrugged, "Yeah I know, but I think we’re okay again. We love each other too much to keep fighting you know?"

He nodded, "Can I ask a question?"

"Can’t you always?" I smiled.

He smiled, "Yeah… So, does AJ know about what happened between you and Nick?"

I sighed and shook my head, "No. He knows that there’s something that happened and that it’s what caused us to kind of lose touch for a while there. But he doesn’t know the details. I don’t know… part of me doesn’t know if he needs to know. I mean, sure Nicky is AJ’s friend and brother… but it was just one time you know? It’s not like we had this ongoing affair. We spent one night together. I’m sure AJ has had plenty of one night stands that I don’t know about."

"I’m sure he does… but were any of them with people that you know?"

"Could be…" I shrugged. "He doesn’t even know about our night of passion…"

Kevin laughed loud and tipped his head back, "Night of passion? Oh god that’s corny…"

"Night of fucking up against a wall?" I grinned.

"Better… And I know what you mean. But I also wonder what it might do if he finds out from Nick but not you."

"I’ve thought about that…" I said as I looked down at the hem of my jeans and picked at them. "I don’t want to hurt him, Kev. I just don’t know what will hurt more. Telling him that I had one night stands once upon a time with two of his best friends, or not telling him and having him find out. I mean, you’re not a threat to him. I don’t think telling him about you would even make him flinch. But Nick is young and single and clearly still flirtatious with me." Kevin nodded, "Tell me this… if Kristen came to you while you were dating and confided in you saying that she’d slept with two of the guys on separate occasions before she was even dating you… what would you think?"

He thought about my question and then looked at me, "I don’t know. I’d like to think that I’d be able to understand that the past was the past and that she was in my bed so it didn’t matter who she’d been with. But I also think that it might kind of hurt knowing that two of my best friends knew the woman that I loved in a very intimate way that should be only for me to know…"

I sighed again, "Exactly. So if you had the choice of knowing that, or not knowing it at all, which would you choose?"

"Probably not knowing."

"Yeah…" I bit my lip and looked around the bus. "Been ten minutes yet?"

He checked his watch, "Nine…"

"Choir Boy to Sexy Shutterbug!" we heard being yelled over the CB and laughed.

"Oh shit…" I laughed and we ran up to the front of the bus. "Sexy Shutterbug to Choir Boy… what’s up sweetie?"

Kevin stood watching me holding back his laughter and I grinned as we listened, "Not only am I soaked from head to toe but I now have piss all over my feet!"

Kevin, the bus driver and I laughed and then I shushed them, "What happened honey?"

"Don’t ‘honey’ me you little shit… I know you did this."

"Did what?"

Brian groaned into the CB and we laughed, "You started a war young lady… watch your back…"

"Swivel Hips here… I’ll second that."

"Captain Crayola agrees too," AJ added in a ‘so not amused’ voice.

I giggled and looked at Kevin, "Rut ro, Rorge…"

Kevin cracked up and shook his head, "We’re in trouble…"

I nodded and spoke into the CB, "I know not what you’re talking about, over…"

"Bullshit! You and your little bus mate over there did this, I know you did."

Kevin and I laughed together, "Oh yeah? Prove it…"

"Y’all both better run fast when these busses stop," Brian said with a laugh.

"Come and get me Choir Boy…" I giggled. "Over."

"Oh the war is on… It’s so on… over."

I looked at Kevin and made a face, "We’re fucked…"

"Oh yeah…" he laughed. "We better call Nick, we're going to need another person on our side..."

 

 

Thirty-Six

~ Washington DC… Day two… Concert # 8 ~

After Kevin and I rigged the busses all hell broke loose between the six of us. We were completely nuts. The afternoon that we showed up in DC was spent running around like wild animals sneaking up on one another and playing pranks. There wasn’t a show that night which just made matters worse because we were stuck with nothing better to do than torture one another all night. Pillow fights, wrestling matches on the beds, hiding behind corners and jumping out to scare someone, truth or dare, water fights… you name it, we probably did it that night.

We were so into our child-like play that we all ended up crashing that night in the same room scattered about. I woke up to the familiar sound of my camera and opened my eyes to see Nick standing in the corner taking pictures of the roomful of passed out friends. I smiled and waved as he snapped another picture. He giggled and smiled, "I figured if you were the first one up you would have been taking pictures of us, so I took over…"

I sat up and yawned as I ran my fingers through my messy hair, "You’re right… this is too priceless not to capture on film." I looked around the room and chuckled, "Did you get them?" I pointed to AJ and Brian on the couch practically cuddling with one another.

"Heck yeah…" Nick laughed.

I got up and reached my hand out for the camera as an idea came to me. I stood over Kevin and took a picture of him from above as his head hung off the edge of the couch he was sleeping on and his hair was sticking straight up. "That one is for Mrs. Richardson…" I giggled again at the sight of the room and stood next to Nick. "God we made a mess last night…"

"Yeah… whose room is this anyway?" he chuckled.

"I think its Howie’s…" We both laughed at the idea of Howie, our resident neat freak, waking up and realizing what a mess we’d made of his room. I ran my hand through my hair again and groaned, "Having long hair and playing with you guys just doesn’t go together… I think I still have food in it from the food fight."

"Look at D’s hair though…" Nick snorted.

I cracked up. Howie and I had very similar hair types. Both naturally curly and thick, but with all of the shit that he put in his to "manage" it, his always looked worse than mine in the morning…especially after a night like we’d had. "I’m gunna cut it all off…"

"Howie’s hair?"

"No!" I laughed. "Mine… Yeah, Nick, I’m gunna cut Howie’s hair off…" I snorted.

"Oh…" he laughed. "Well that’s what it sounded like… shut up…"

I made a kissy face at him and smiled. "What time is it?"

"Ten…"

"Okay that gives me… four hours before we’ve gotta be at the MCI Center. I’m gunna go. Tell AJ I’ll be back before we’ve gotta go to the venue okay?"

"Sure, but where are you going?"

"To cut Howie’s hair off…" I teased.

"You’re not really gunna cut your hair off are you?"

I nodded, "Yup… I can’t survive the rest of this tour with this mess every morning…" I smiled as shook my hair for him. "See you in a few okay?" I turned and headed for the door to go shower and find a salon.

"I wanna come with you…" he said as he followed me to the door. I turned around and smiled at him. "Emotional support you know… you’ve had long hair the whole time I’ve known you…"

I laughed and shook my head, "You sure it’s not for your own emotional support?"

"That too… I love your hair…" he smiled.

I looked at him and smiled, "Alright… Give me ten minutes to shower and throw on some clean clothes…"

"Cool… I’ll meet you in your room."

~~~~~

So we were late… it wasn’t anything new. I was habitually late to everything, and when Nick was with me, it was only worse. What can I say? When we got together and goofed off, time had no bearing on us. The salon that we found to get my hair cut was great. They closed the place down for us to avoid a fan mishap and in exchange we paid them a lot of money. While we were at it I not only got my hair cut but also both of us got facials, pedicures, and I got a manicure, Nick refused that one. A few hours later we’d been pampered very well and went directly to the venue to meet up with the rest of the guys.

"Who is going to be more upset? Kevin because we’re late, or AJ because I cut my hair?" I laughed.

"Hmm… good question. Probably Kevin, AJ would love you if you shaved your head…"

"Aww…" I smiled. "That was really sweet. And trust me, I’m not going to shave my head, this is short enough." I ran my hand through my new short hair still not believing that I cut it after so many years.

"It’s true though. I was watching you guys last night. There’s no doubt in my mind, he’s head over heels in love with you."

I kept smiling as we walked through the venue toward the dressing rooms. I wasn’t sure what to say in response to Nick. I was glad that he was able to talk to me again, but I couldn’t help but wonder what he was really feeling in his heart. "Yeah I think he is…"

"You in love with him?"

I looked at Nick, surprised that he’d asked, but also relieved, "Mmm hmm… I think so…"

"Cool…"

"You okay with that?" I asked cautiously glancing at him sideways.

He was silent for a minute while we walked and then nodded, "As long you’re happy…"

I smiled, my eyes beginning to tear up and then heard AJ, "Finally! Where the hell have… oh… my… GOD!"

Nick and I laughed then looked at AJ who’d stopped dead in his tracks. Brian, Howie and Kevin all followed him out of the room to see what was wrong and they all mumbled assorted holy shit’s and whoa’s. "Hi boys…" I giggled.

"You cut your hair…" AJ whined.

"Yes, baby, I did…"

"It’s gone…"

"Yes, baby, it is…"

"It’s short…"

I laughed and looked at Nick, "I think he’s in shock…"

AJ reached out and ran his fingers through what was left of my hair and sighed, "Oh god…"

"Honey…" I smiled. "Stop or you’re gunna make me cry. I had to cut it off. It was driving me nuts…"

"But…"

"I love it…" Kevin smiled.

"Me too…" Nick added.

"Yup I think it’s cool…" Brian said with a grin.

"Going to be much easier to do," Howie said and I laughed as he shrugged. "Shut up, you know it will be… I’m just stating the facts."

"I know, honey…" I smiled then looked at AJ. "You’re next. You like or hate?"

AJ circled me and looked at my hair then stood back in front of me, "It’s gunna take some getting used to… but baby, I’d love you even if you shaved your head…"

Nick grinned and I grinned back at him before kissing AJ, "Thank you…"

 

 

Thirty-Seven

~ Nassau, NY… Concert 10 & 11 ~

"Kel?" Nick asked quietly as he walked into the dressing room where I’d been sitting alone digging through the proofs of pictures I’d taken on the tour so far marking the back with notes and ideas.

"Hey sweetie, what’s up?"

"Nuthin’ I’m just bored. Can I bug you?"

"Sure, come clear a spot and sit with me, you can get the first glance at these…"

He smiled and sat down next to me on the small couch taking a pile of pictures and letting them sit in his lap. "Oh wow…"

"What?"

"These are good…"

I chuckled, "Well I should hope so, you Boys are playing a lot of money for me to take those." I nudged his arm with mine and smiled. He smiled too, but not nearly as much as he normally would have. I watched him looking through the pictures for a moment wondering what was going through his mind and then looked back down to the pictures in my hand. We gazed at pictures silently and then I chuckled, "I was waiting to find these…from the hotel the other morning…" Nick looked up and watched as I flipped through the pictures. "Wow…"

"What?"

"Well to quote you, ‘These are good…’ You’ve got a great eye…"

He sighed and looked back down to his pile of pictures, "Yeah right…"

"I’m serious. Don’t ‘yeah right’ me…"

"Sorry…" he mumbled and kept looking at pictures and looked at my notes on the back. "What’s all this stuff on the back mean?"

"It’s the roll, the exposure, the city and who the picture is of. And their titles. I keep track of all of them by roll and city so that I can find them easier when I need them. I’ve got a program that I’ll put all of that into on my laptop and it’ll sort them any way I want it to. If I want all of the pictures of you and Howie, I type in a code and it’ll show me where I need to look. Now back to these pictures… I mean it, they’re really good." He sighed again. "Why do you keep sighing? Is it against the rules for me to say anything nice to you today?"

"Yeah…" he said quietly, not looking at me.

"Well tough shit, I don’t follow rules. Look at this one…" I held the picture up for him to see and started pointing things out. "See how the light is coming through the window here? If you’d been any further over to the left or right this picture wouldn’t have come out at all because of the lighting. You picked the perfect spot to take it. And see how it looks soft around the corners? That’s also because of the light and the angle that you took the picture at. You can get the same effect with an expensive ass slide that attaches to the camera, or you can do it like you did." I picked another picture up. "And this one of AJ and Brian…you didn’t just stand up to take this one. I can tell because of the angle. You got down on your knees didn’t you?" Nick nodded and I did too, "Exactly. Most people would have taken that picture from a standing position and looked down to take the picture, but you didn’t. You got down to their level and made sure that you got the whole couch while you were at it. You framed it. Then this one… you took the same perspective and zoomed. Perfect for a book like I’m doing. I can show the wide shot, and then the close up without having to distort the original picture by blowing it up." I went through the rest of the pictures that he’d taken and explained what was good about each of them as he sat quietly and listened while chewing on his thumbnail. "When I say that someone has a good eye, I don’t bullshit." I handed the pictures to him and he took them and started flipping through them thinking about what I’d said about each one.

"They’re not bad huh?"

"Not bad at all…"

"Thanks…"

"Thank you for taking them while I slept…"

I went back to sorting through pictures making my marks on the back and would hand them to Nick as I finished with them and he’d stick them into the pile. We made it through three rolls of film before either of us spoke again. "My brother is in New York this week too."

Bingo. I knew he’d eventually spill it. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah… He’s got a few appearances to do today and then I guess he and my mom are hanging out for the rest of the week."

I didn’t want to ask but I had to, "They coming to the show tomorrow then?"

"Naw…" his voice was quiet again, I waited. "Aaron wants to come, but my mother doesn’t want to make the drive. Says it’s too far." I’ve always loathed that woman. "Too far to drive so that she can see her own son and I can see my brother who I haven’t seen since Christmas? That’s bullshit…"

I nodded and put the pictures I was holding down in my lap, "Yeah it is…"

"She told me herself that they don’t have anything to do after today. They’re just going to sit around the hotel and maybe sightsee a little bit. But she can’t drive two and a half, maybe three hours to come see me. It’s not like she’d even have to do the driving…" I didn’t know what to say. Well, what to say that would help at least. I could have ranted and raved about what a bitch Jane was, but I didn’t think it would help. "She’s such a bitch!" Or then again, maybe it would.

"I’ve never been too fond of her…"

He laughed, "I know…"

I smiled, "She doesn’t exactly love me either though…"

"Nah… she likes you, she’s just that way…"

"What about Aaron coming out by himself? Would she let him do that?"

He shrugged, "Didn’t ask…"

"You know the number of where they are?"

"Yeah…"

I pulled out my phone, "Dial for me…" I smiled holding out my phone to him.

"Wha… naw, Kel, I…"

"Dial…" I persisted shoving the phone toward him. "I want to talk to Mini You… haven’t talked to him in a long time…"

He hesitantly took the phone and dialed looking up at me every so often then handed the phone back to me. "That’s his cell phone…"

"Cool… even better," I smiled as I listened to the phone ringing. Aaron’s voice mail picked up and I laughed at his message which was he and Nick goofing off together, "Hey sweet little blonde thing…this is your big sister Kel… you know, the one who you never call anymore? Hey short stuff… yeah I know you’re taller than me now, but you’ll always be short stuff to me… anyway, I wanted to ask you a question so call me back on my cell tonight okay? Love you, baby!" I told him my number and hung up and smiled at Nick. "Cute voice mail message you two made…"

"Yeah that was at Christmas…" he smiled wistfully. I smiled supportively and kissed his cheek and he laughed, "What was that for?"

I shrugged, "Just thought you needed it."

He smiled, "Thanks…"

~~~~~

One thing that anyone knows about me is that once I’m on a mission… I’m really on a mission. I don’t give up, and I don’t take no for an answer. Cheering Nick up that day in New York was no exception. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, and didn’t care what I had to do in order to make it happen. Including taking a rental car in the middle of the night into the city to pick up a blonde kid named Aaron and turning around and driving back in order to surprise his big brother.

I left as soon as we made it back to the hotel after the concert and made it into the city by 1:30 in the morning. Pumped up on caffeine and the adrenaline from knowing how happy Nick would be seeing Aaron I pulled into the city with a grin on my face. I was home. I hadn’t been in My City in so long it seemed, but as soon as I was there it was like I’d never left. I navigated my way expertly to the hotel that Aaron was staying in, and parked in the underground garage.

Getting Jane to agree to let me take Aaron wasn’t as hard as I’d expected it to be. Apparently it wasn’t that she wanted to keep Aaron away from Nick, she just didn’t want to get off of her lazy ass and make the trip herself. As soon as I’d offered over the phone to personally pick up and drop off Aaron she agreed. Stupid bitch probably liked the idea of not having her kid around anyway… I so didn’t enjoy that woman.

She was sound asleep when I got to the hotel and Aaron let me into the suite jumping into my arms for a hug. "Oh my god you’re huge! Holy shit you’ve grown so much!"

"Well it’s been a while…" Aaron laughed.

I smiled and messed up his hair and hugged him again, "Way too long, hi sweetie…"

"Hi…"

"Where’s the She Beast?" I whispered and Aaron laughed.

"Asleep. I have strict orders not to wake her up either. I’m just supposed to go with you and call her tomorrow… Let’s go…"Aaron picked up his bags and pushed me out of the door.

"You know, honey… your mom is possibly the strangest woman I’ve ever known…"

Aaron nodded and smiled his beautiful smile, "Me too…"

Stopping for more caffeine and a late night snack Aaron and I hit the road back to Nassau and made up for lost time along the way. We laughed as I told him stories about when Nick was his age and we reminisced about the things we’d done together when he was just a little guy hanging around his big brothers.

I’d always loved Aaron. Just like Nick, he often was misinterpreted as a pain in the ass, but the truth was that they were just so smart that they got bored, and to keep themselves occupied, they messed around. Aaron was an amazingly smart kid, and his talent was no fluke. He wasn’t just "Nick Carter’s Little Brother" he had the talent gene.

Aaron filled me in on everything that was happening with him, and we even listened to his CD and sang along together. Probably forty minutes before we got back to our hotel he fell asleep with his head resting against the window and I smiled. He looked so much like Nick it was crazy. If his eyes had been blue instead of brown, the similarities would have been even more frightening. I imagined the smile on not only Nick’s face when he saw Aaron, but also Aaron’s when he saw Nick. They truly loved each other so much, it was a shame they didn’t get to spend more time together.

Because it was so late when we got back to the hotel, we figured we’d wait until morning to spring Aaron on Nick. He sleepily followed me back to my and AJ’s suite and crashed on the couch not bothering to pull it out, while I crawled into bed fully clothed with AJ and promptly passed out.

The next morning I woke up to giggling. Boys giggling. I got up and walked into the sitting area of the suite and found AJ and Aaron watching cartoons and laughing. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight as I ran my fingers through my hair combing it. One thing about short hair, it was a hell of a lot easier to take care of, but it was rather comical in the morning the way that it stood up on end.

"Hey, baby…" AJ smiled and reached his hand out to me.

I took it and sat down on the couch between him and Aaron, "Hey, Kel…"

"Hey boys…" I smiled and reached out for Aaron’s hand. I sat between the two of them holding their hands watching cartoons with my head on AJ’s shoulder. When the cartoon was over I looked at Aaron, "Ready to get your brother?"

The Carter Grin spread across his face, "Yup…"

I picked up the phone and called Nick’s room. He answered with a groggy voice, "What?"

"Honey it’s me… Can you come to my room?"

"What’s wrong?"

I sighed dramatically and winked at Aaron and AJ, "I’m bored…"

AJ and Aaron laughed quietly and I smiled as Nick groaned, "What? It’s 9:00 how can you be bored? Go back to sleep."

"Nicky please…" I whined. "AJ got up and went somewhere with Twangy at the crack of dawn and I couldn’t go back to sleep because he woke me up too. Please, Nicky? At least come here and sleep next to me while I watch TV. I hate being alone in hotels… you know that."

I knew I had him when I heard his sigh, "Alright… I’m on my way, but I’m not promising that I’ll stay awake. Just remember that you said I could go back to sleep."

"Okay… I love you! See you in a few…"

"Yeah…"

Nick hung up the phone and I laughed, "He’s on his way…"

"Should I hide?" Aaron laughed.

"Oooh yeah, and AJ honey, you really have to hide cause you’re not technically supposed to be here. Go into the bathroom. Aaron, honey, go into the bedroom and I‘ll send him in before I go in there okay?" The boys both laughed and ran off to hide as I turned the television off and looked down at myself. I was still in my clothes. "Shit…" I rushed into the bedroom and looked at Aaron, "Close your eyes, I need to put pajamas on…" I got dressed in my pajamas as quickly as I could and then heard the secret knock on the door. "Okay, sweetie, hide…"

I walked to the door and opened it to Nick in his pajamas yawning, "Hi…"

I laughed, "Hi…"

"Bed…"

I laughed again, "Go on in ,honey, I’m going to grab a juice from the fridge, I’ll meet you in there…"

"Mmm kay…" he yawned and I smiled as I watched him walk into our room and listened.

I laughed as I heard Aaron yell at the top of his lungs and jump out at Nick and Nick yelled various obscenities before laughing. With my camera in hand I followed him into the room and snapped pictures as they wrestled on the bed laughing and yelling playfully at each other. AJ stepped out of the bathroom where he too had been watching through the cracked door and joined in on the laughter. Aaron was literally piggy back on Nick when Nick was finally able to sit up and look at me, "How did you do this?"

I smiled and snapped a picture of him and Aaron smiling up at me, "I have special powers…"

Nick stood up and hugged me with Aaron still on his back, "Thank you…"

I smiled and kissed his cheek and then Aaron’s "You’re welcome… anything for my Blondies… now get the hell out of my room don’t you know that people normally sleep at this time or morning?" I giggled. Aaron jumped off of Nick’s back and ran to get his bags and I looked up at Nick. "You’ve got today and all day tomorrow. I’m supposed to take him back on the way to Toronto on Wednesday morning."

"God…" Nick sighed and shook his head. "Thank you so much…"

I pulled him into a hug again and held him tight, "You’re welcome, sweetie. Go have fun with him. He misses you big time."

Nick smiled and nodded, "Yeah… I’ll see you later today… go back to sleep… You must not have had much if you drove all that way last night."

"I’m used to not sleeping…" I shrugged. "But I’m going back to bed as soon as you’re out of here… go on, kiddo." I pushed him toward the sitting room and looked at Aaron, "Don’t forget to call the She Beast or she’ll have my ass okay?"

"I won’t forget!" Aaron laughed.

"She Beast?" Nick chuckled.

"Private joke…" Aaron smiled and I winked at him. "I’ll tell you about it later… come on… Kel needs to sleep." He was pulling at Nick’s arm and Nick was laughing as Aaron dragged him along. Nick looked at me one last time and mouthed the words thank you. I smiled and nodded then gave him a wave as I closed the door behind them as they giggled down the hall.

I turned around with a smile plastered on my face and AJ was watching me with a smile of his own, "You never cease to amaze me you know?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, "He’s my friend…"

"Yeah and you barely slept last night and had to deal with ‘The She Beast’ to pick AC up in the middle of the night just so that your friend could spend two days with his little brother… That’s more than most friends would do, baby…"

I grabbed AJ’s hand and pulled him into the bedroom as I crawled onto the bed, "Yeah well then most friends suck. I’d do anything for my true friends and to make them happy. She Beasts or not…"

"You’re amazing…" AJ whispered as he crawled over my body on the bed and looked down at me.

"You’re sexy…" I grinned up at him and made a kissy face at him.

He laughed, "I love you…"

I pulled him down to my body and kissed his lips gently with a whisper, "I love you more…" We made love slowly and then fell asleep for the rest of the morning.

 

 

Thirty-Eight

"I thought Nick was bad alone… add Mini Nick to the picture and oh god it’s frightening!" AJ laughed as we all sat around the hotel pool. Aaron and Nick being the water babies of the bunch called an impromptu pool party after the concert. We were all buzzed on caffeine and sugar as well as the residual adrenaline running through the Boys’ systems from the concert. Nick and Aaron were taking turns diving into the pool trying to see which of them could make the largest splash and get those of us along the side of the pool wet.

"Kellie come innnnn…." Aaron whined and I laughed.

"Oh, honey, haven’t I told you that whining is not attractive?"

"But Nick does it…"

I laughed again, "Exactly…"

"Hey!" Nick called out from the pool. "You trying to say I’m not attractive?"

"Nope…" I grinned. I turned to AJ, "Coming in?"

"Not a chance… you go and have fun though, I’ll watch."

"Party Pooper…" I smiled and kissed him on the cheek before standing up. He smacked my ass and I shook my head. "So you want me to come in huh?"

Aaron looked up from where he was treading water and smiled, "Yup…"

"How about you, Carter?" I asked Nick.

"You think I’m unattractive, I’m not talking to you…"

"I didn’t say you were unattractive, you are talking to me, and you’re still whining… cut it out…" I dove into the pool and surfaced right in front of him. I pushed my wet hair back out of my face and looked up at him. He was pouting something fierce and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at me with puppy dog eyes. I whispered to him, "Nicky… you know I don’t think you’re unattractive. You are one of the sexiest men I know… Now stop whining, you’re ruining your own pool party." I smiled and stuck my tongue out at him.

"What have I told you about that tongue?" he smiled.

I purposely licked my lips and then laughed, "I’m not sure… what have you told me?"

Nick rolled his eyes and sighed, "How can you flirt with me with AJ watching over your shoulder?"

"Am I flirting?" I teased.

"You’re torturing…"

I grinned, "I’m evil that way… You know you love it, you started it. Such sexual tension… without it we’d be…"

"Dating…" he finished for me as he cut me off.

I looked into his eyes and then looked away, "I wasn’t going to um… I wasn’t going to say that." I sighed and squatted so that most of my body was under the water.

Nick did the same and stayed close to me. His hands reached out and held my hips and I felt myself take a deep breath, "Sorry… I didn’t mean to make you feel weird. I just… Well sometimes it’s hard you know? Most of the time I can flirt with you and take it without it bugging me. But sometimes it does bug me. Sometimes it’s…"

"It’s what?" I asked quietly as I touched his arm under the water urging him to go on.

"Nuthin…"

"Nick…" I sighed. "Remember our deal? You’re not going to shut me out. So tell me. Sometimes it’s what?" He looked over my shoulder where AJ and the others were sitting by the pool drinking then looked back at me. He then looked into the pool between us and our knees touched brushing gently up against one another. "Please, Nicky?"

"Painful… sometimes it’s painful okay?" he whispered and tried to move away.

I grabbed his arms and held them with all of my strength. My heart was beating rapidly, and trying to hold a six-foot-something man still in a pool was not helping. "Stop…" I groaned as I pulled at him and he continued to pull which basically pulled me into his body as his strength took over mine. With a splash, my body was pressed against his and our legs were tangled under the water.

He looked down at me and brushed a drop of water from the splash off of my cheek, "Sorry…" I shook my head saying that it was okay and watched him. He chuckled and looked down at us, "You’re straddling my leg…"

"Oh god… I…"

He held me in place with his strong grasp. His arms were around my waist, tight. "I like it…" My mouth fell open and I stuttered incoherently not having a clue what to say or how to react to the way that he’d said what he said, and the look that was on his face. He smiled at me and shook his head, "Gotcha…"

"What?"

"I was teasing…" he chuckled.

I struggled to move away from him but he wouldn’t let me go, "Teasing about what? The pain, or the leg thing?"

He shrugged, "One or the other, maybe both…"

I looked at him through narrowed eyes and shook my head in disbelief, "You…" I sighed and shook my head again, "Let me go…"

"Come on, Kel…" Nick smiled.

"Nick let me go…" I said with tears in my eyes. His smile faded as he saw the look in my eyes and he started to say something but I cut him off, "Let me go!"

Nick released his grip and I pushed away from him, "I…"

"Don’t okay?" I sighed. "If you…"  I couldn’t understand why all of a sudden I wanted to cry and there were tears welling up in my eyes. I bit my lip in frustration and shook my head determined not to cry. "You said that sometimes the flirting is painful right? Well I’ll tell you what’s painful for me…" The lump in my throat was taking over and I took a deep breath trying not to break down. "This… this is the painful part. When you open up and say something that means so much to me, and then you shut me out. You close down and pretend like you didn’t say anything and that it didn’t mean anything to you or to me." My hands were trembling under the water and I’d lost the power to hold back my tears. "I know that this is hard for you… But it’s hard for me too okay? You think that I don’t ever think about you that way? After being…" I lowered my voice a bit, "After being in love with you for so long? You think I don’t wonder if what I’m doing is right? If that’s what you think, then you’re wrong. It hurts me too…"

He looked like he’d been smacked in the face. He shook his head and tipped it head back wetting his hair in the pool, "I’m sorry. I didn’t think… Well, I wasn’t thinking about how this is for you. I just thought about me and that wasn’t fair. I’m sorry… Please don’t cry. I don’t want to make you cry…"

"Nick what are you doing to my woman over there?" AJ laughed from the side of the pool.

"Dunk me…" I said quietly.

"What?"

"Dunk me so that he doesn’t wonder what’s up…"

"Kel…"

"Jesus… you’ve dunked me a billion times before. Just do it. We’ll talk about this later…"

"We’re taking dirt about you Bone!" Nick yelled out to AJ and then lowered his voice as he looked back to me. "Promise we’ll finish this?" I nodded and he sighed, "Okay…"I took a deep breath as he put his hand on my head and pushed me under the water.

*****

My encounter with Nick in the pool once again led me to some pretty heavy deep thinking. The next day we had off and we all sort of went our own ways. Nick and Aaron spent the day in a nearby arcade and movie theater, Kevin, Brian and Howie worked on stuff for the new record label that the group was starting, and AJ and I spent the day alone just being together.

We slept late and then stayed in bed talking for most of the morning. We didn’t talk about anything in particular, just whatever came up. When we finally got out of bed we decided to venture out into the city for a while. AJ of course wanted to shop, and I humored him. We found a handful of interesting little shops where running into fans would be pretty rare and had a pretty good time. Those moments where we’d forget about all of the Backstreet Madness and the bodyguard trailing us were the best. It was when we felt "normal" like we had all of the years before the group had started.

AJ and I easily fell back into our routine of picking on one another and goofing off. When we made it to a vintage clothing store we had a blast trying weird outfits on and took pictures of each other to capture the moment on film. AJ bought me a deep red dress, which he practically drooled over when I tried it on, and I bought him a black satin shirt that seeing him in made my hormones go wild.

Even with it being February in New York AJ didn’t whine about the cold and snow much because he could see how happy it made me. A few times I saw him trying to conceal his coldness and I smiled inwardly pretending like I hadn’t seen it. We found a bar to have dinner in and sat eating wonderful greasy bar food while talking and people watching. AJ was talking to our waiter about some guy thing that didn’t interest me and I sat there watching him. I hadn’t a clue what they were saying, but I loved watching AJ. Just listening to his voice of velvet as it flowed out of his mouth no matter what he was talking about. I loved watching his eyes and the long beautiful eyelashes that curled off of his face, and when he smiled… god, that always got me.

He caught me staring at him and smiled as the waiter walked away, "What?"

I shrugged and smiled, "Just watching you… I love watching you…"

He blushed and I smiled. "What are you thinking right now?"

"Honestly?"

"Yup…"

"I’m thinking about what a wonderful day we’ve had and that I’d really love to kiss you right now, but there are fans over in the corner so I can’t."

He nodded, "I noticed them too… You know, we haven’t talked about that much. The whole thing about whether or not we’re open about Us in public or not…"

I nodded and played with the edge of the coaster my soda was sitting on, "Yeah… I’ve thought about it a lot. But… I dunno…"

"Does it hurt you as much to have to hold back in public as it does me?"

I smiled and glanced up at him, "Yeah it does…"

"The other day when we had that magazine interview they asked the girlfriend question…"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, and I told them that I had one and that I loved her more than I’ve ever loved anyone."

My turn to blush, "You did?"

"I did… I think we should just do it. Just let the public know. We don’t have to hold a press conference or anything, but we can just start being more open. When someone asks if I have a girlfriend I’ll say yes and if they ask who I’ll tell them. If I want to kiss you, I will…and when we’re out in public, we’ll be the same as we are when we’re not. What do you think?"

"You sure you want to take the risk? All of the negative stuff that might come out of it?"

"As long as you’re with me? I’ll take on the world…"

"You might have to…" I said quietly. "You know how it gets…"

He reached out and put his hands over mine, "Yeah I do know how it gets. But I also know that I’m head over heels in love with you. And that’s not something that I want to hide. Most of the fans will be fine with this, and all of the other ones… well you know what? I don’t need them. I know that’s harsh, but it’s true, baby. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t show the world how much I love you just because of a fan… I’m ready to face anything and everything that comes our way. If you’re not ready, then we can wait… this is up to you too. But if you’re ready, so am I…"

I smiled and looked at him in awe, again he’d made me fall further in love with him and soothed my fears. My heart seemed to overflow and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his. "Age?"

"Yeah?"

"Kiss me…"

He smiled and looked at me cautiously, "Really? In public..."

I nodded with a grin as I leaned across the table meeting him half way, "Yeah... right here, in public..."

 

 

Part Thirty-Nine

~ Toronto, Ontario… Concert # 12 ~

"So did AJ tell you?" I asked Kevin as we walked through the SkyDome looking for something to eat.

"Tell me what?"

I smiled, "Guess he didn’t tell you huh? We’re going public…"

"You’re going pub… oh! Really?"

"Yup. Slowly, but we talked about it yesterday and decided it was time. That the select group of fans who will have a problem with us dating aren’t worth the pain of having to hide it."

Kevin smiled and nodded, "Good… I think it’ll be a really good thing for you two. Even if you face some opposition, you’ll be able to do it with each other, that’ll make it easier."

I nodded, "Yeah I think so too. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not scared shitless about what my first anti-Kel encounter is going to be. But just knowing that at the end of the day all that really matters is how much I love my tattooed freak and how much he loves me… it’s all good."

"You two are so in love…" Kevin chuckled. I wrinkled my nose at him and smiled. "It’s so damn cute I can barely stand it…"

"Well we all need a bit of cute-ness in our lives…" I laughed.

"Speaking of cute… what you did bringing Aaron in for Nick?  That was really cool, Kel. Seeing those two together like that was great. Very cute."

I nodded, "Yeah. They both needed it." I sighed and looked around, "Why the hell isn’t there any food in this place? As big as it is! I’m starving, I’m about to bite you…"

Kevin laughed, "Down girl, no biting me… that privilege belongs to the wife. How about we just go order pizza?"

I nodded furiously, "Yes… pizza. Soon… there was a pizza place on the corner,  I saw it when we came in. Hell I’ll walk over there through the fans if I have to… I need to eat."

"You’re not walking through the fans… but yes we’ll get food. I’m right there with you in the hunger. Now tell me something…"

"What?"

"What’s up with you and Nick? You changed the subject awfully fast a second ago."

I looked at Kevin and rolled my eyes, "God you’re good…"

"Thank you, now what happened?"

"We had another ‘encounter’ the other night. He said something and I said something and I started to cry and he apologized and we’ve barely spoken since because Aaron was with us. Today was our normal day to have breakfast together, but because we were busy getting Aaron back to Jane and getting here it just didn’t happen."

"Have you made plans to talk?"

"No… We’ll be in Philly for two days tomorrow though, maybe then? Or else we’ve got two days off between Philly and Chicago."

"How do you memorize our schedule like that?"

I laughed, "I need to know where I am, where I’ve been and where I’m going at all times… it’s a control thing. I can’t just let go and wake up each day not knowing where I am or where we’re headed."

"That makes sense… So anyway, when you and Nick had your ‘encounter’ the other night… what happened? If you want to tell me that is…"

I ran my hand through my hair and shook my head as we walked slowly, "We were talking about flirting. He mentioned that sometimes it hurts him to flirt with me or rather to have me flirt with him when he knows that I’m with AJ. And Kev, I was glad to know that… well, not that he hurts, but I was glad he told me you know? But then he blew it off like he’d been joking when he said it and I knew he wasn’t. I ended up getting pissed off and I told him how it hurt me when he’d say something and then take it back when I knew it was the truth. I told him that there are still times when I wonder if what I’m doing with him and AJ is the right thing, and that it still hurts to be around him sometimes."

"Wow…"

"Yeah, I didn’t mean to say all of that, it just kind of spilled out in frustration."

"Tell me about wondering if what you’re doing is the right thing…"

"It’s just what I’ve told you before… I wonder if passing up my love for Nick was right, and if what I have with AJ is going to last. Or if AJ and I don’t last as a couple, what’ll happen to our friendship? There are so many ‘what if’ questions you know?"

"Sure I do… but there are ‘what if’ questions with any relationship."

"True… but I seem to have more because of the fact that AJ and Nick are so close… and AJ doesn’t know about anything that happened between Nick and me."

"Have you thought any more about telling AJ about Nick?"

"Yeah… but every time that I think I should tell him, he does something sweet making me fall for him even more and then I think about how if he knows about Nick that he might freak out and I could lose all of what we have now. I’m so afraid to lose him Kev… not just as my boyfriend, but as My AJ. He’s been My AJ for so long, I can’t imagine him not being that anymore. Part of me thinks that he’ll always be around no matter what, but another part of me worries that he’s so into Us that if the Us part no longer exists, that no other part of our relationship will exist either."

"I don’t ever see him just walking away from you. Even if you two were to split as a couple, I just can’t imagine him giving up on your history together that easily."

"Well that’s what I hope…" I said quietly.

"You want to know what I think?"

"Please…"

"I think that if you can get things ironed out with Nick so that you two can be at least comfortable together again, that it’ll help a lot. If both of you can be comfortable with your relationships with him and AJ and the different dynamics of the two, it’ll make a world of difference."

"I thought that’s what we were doing Kev. He was hanging out with me again, we were kidding around again, and just being friends. But then he threw that statement out there the other night and blindsided me with it."

"Well then maybe he has more of the work to do in feeling comfortable with you rather than you with him… but keep trying. I’m telling you, if he can accept you and AJ being together and just being your friend… your lives will be so much easier."

"I hope so… cause this is getting harder and harder every day. I don’t want to hurt either of them you know? I love them both so much…"

Kevin wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a one armed hug, "I know you do, kiddo…"

*****

 

After the show in Toronto we were almost immediately on the busses again because we needed to be in Philadelphia in the morning the next day. AJ and I promptly fell asleep with the rocking of the bus and I assume that the rest of the guys did the same thing on their busses.

Somewhere a little over half way to Philadelphia we stopped at a truck stop so the bus drivers could take a break. The bright lights of the truck stop woke me up and I sat up looking around to see if I could tell where we were. I couldn’t, and got up with a craving for junk food. I threw on a pair of shoes and a then a sweatshirt over my tee. Marcus was blocking the bus door when I opened it and I tapped his shoulder, "Hey big guy…"

"Hey…" he said with a yawn.  "Going inside?"

"Yeah… need anything? AJ’s paying," I laughed holding up his wallet.

"Nah… I’m okay. You alright going in there by yourself?"

"Yup… I doubt there will be any Backstreet fans here… where are we anyway?"

"No idea…" he smiled.

I chuckled, "Okay, I’ll be back in a few then… don’t let them leave without me…"

"Never…" he smiled.

I went into the store of the truck stop and smiled. There was something about a bright convenience store in the middle of the night on a road trip with its blinding fluorescent lights that made me feel comfortable. Whether you were looking for coffee, ice cream, a bag of chips, some weird candy that you only craved when on a trip, or heaven forbid, a hot dog cooked on one of those spinning cooker things… all you needed and wanted was there in the store.

I was craving salty food and promptly headed for the chip isle. I stood there looking at all of my options trying to decide between my two favorites and instead just got them both figuring that having an extra bag around wouldn’t hurt. I then went looking for juice. When I’d picked out a bottle of apple juice I turned around and walked toward the cashier. The man behind the counter rang my things up quietly and told me my total.

"Does your boyfriend know you swiped his wallet?" I heard a voice ask me from behind.

I smiled as I paid the cashier, "He’s currently sound asleep… he won’t know its missing."

"Remind me to hide my wallet when you ride on my bus…"

"Thanks…" I said to the cashier as he gave me my change stuffed the bills back in AJ’s wallet before picking up my food. "I’ll tell you exactly where to put it too…" I turned around to face Nick and immediately cracked up as I noticed he was wearing a horrendous pair of sunglasses with the tag hanging over his nose and a huge smile on his face. "Oh god…"

"You think they’re me?" he laughed.

"I think they’re horrible…"

"Sure they are, but are they a good disguise?"

I shook my head at him, "Still see the blonde hair… covering the eyes is good because they’re a dead give away, but the hair is too… But… if you add this…" I smiled as I grabbed a hat from a rack nearby and stuck it on Nick’s head, "That might actually do the trick…"

"Yeah?"

"Well kind of…" I laughed.

Nick took the glasses off, "I like the hat actually, but the glasses are too much like something my mother would have worn when I was a kid…" He put his stash of food down on the counter and ripped the tag off of the hat giving it to the cashier. "I’ll take the hat too…" When the cashier gave Nick his total, Nick looked at me, "Give me AJ’s wallet…" I laughed and handed him the wallet, "He’ll never know…"

"I’m not tellin’…" I smiled.

After paying for his things Nick gave AJ’s wallet back to me and smiled, "Thanks… So what are you doing up in the middle of the night too?"

"The lights woke me up and then I wanted junk food…"

"Me too… the sucky part is that I’m going to be up for a few hours now… There’s no way I’m going back to sleep now."

"Exactly…" I smiled and looked out of the window at the busses waiting patiently to keep moving toward Philadelphia.

"Wanna ride in my bus… keep each other company? We can talk about the other night, or just eat junk food and play video games… whatever you want…"

I looked into Nick’s eyes and smiled as I nodded, "Sure… let me go put AJ’s wallet back and leave him a note so he knows where I am… I’ll meet you on your bus?"

Nick smiled and nodded, "Yeah… see you there…"

I did just as I’d told Nick I was going to do and rushed onto our bus leaving a note for AJ and dumping his wallet back into his bag then ran from our bus to Nick’s in the cold. I stepped in giving a hello to Billy at the door and then quickly shut the door behind me shivering at the cold. "You know you could wear a coat… it helps…" Nick laughed.

"Oh shut up… I didn’t need a coat to go from the bus to the store and back. You Florida Boys and the cold…" I shook my head and laughed. "Gotta get Kev and Brian to teach you something about the cold."

"I know plenty about the cold…" Nick laughed. "I know its cold, and I know I don’t like it, and anyone who does like it is crazy…"

"Like you didn’t already know I was crazy?"

"Of course I did… I’m just sayin…"

"Yuh huh… So where’s the PlayStation set up?"

"Back in the bedroom…"

I laughed, "Of course it is…" I reached my hand out to Nick and pulled him up from the couch where he’d been sitting, "Come on, I wanna play Extreme 3… We’ll start a new season and see how far we get before passing out."

That’s exactly what we did too. We played the video game for a few hours talking a little bit as we raced each other trying to see who could get the most points for tricks. Finally when I could barely move my thumbs anymore we gave up on playing and saved the game to finish at a later date. I laid back on the bed as Nick put the PlayStation away and then he joined me laying on his back next to me.

Nick started to laugh as we lay there, "I have to say it’s pretty funny that the ceilings of our busses are mirrored. That’s so pitifully Rock Star of us…"

"Isn’t it though?" I laughed and made a face at him up at the mirror. He made a face too and we both laughed.

"So, Kel?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we okay?"

I rolled over onto my side and looked at him, "I think so… how about you?"

"Well yeah… I mean we just played Extreme 3 for three hours together. That’s gotta mean something right? And I didn’t make you cry again…"

I smiled slightly and he turned to face me on his side, "I appreciate that…"

"Sorry, again…"

"I am glad that you told me you know? I don’t like to think of you hurting because of something that I’m doing for fun… I just don’t want you to lie and say that you’re kidding because I know you’re not."

"Yeah… I kind of freaked out you know? Felt like I’d told you too much or something and so I backed off… but I should have known better. You always see through my bullshit."

I smiled, "One of my many talents…"

"Does he know?"

"AJ?"

"Yeah."

I shook my head, "No. I’ve gone back and forth wondering if I should tell him, but I just don’t think it’ll help him at all. I don’t want to cause any pain or weirdness between the two of you, and I guess I kind of feel like he doesn’t need to know. He’s had affairs in the past with people that he hasn’t told me about... It’s a little different because this is you we’re talking about… but you know what I mean?"

Nick nodded, "I do… no need to make him feel like he has to compete for you with me since I’ve… well, I’ve been ‘there.’"

I chuckled, "Been there? I should get shirts for all of you guys saying ‘Kel… been there, done that.’"

"I didn’t mean it that way…" Nick laughed.

"I know, honey…" I smiled.

"That is a good idea though… the tee shirts."

I shrugged and smiled, "Except if you all wore them on the same day…"

"All? How many of us have you slept with?"

"Oh lord… you don’t know do you?"

"Tell me you didn’t do Howie…"

I cracked up and hit Nick in the arm, "No I didn’t ‘do’ Howie… I did have a one time romp with Kevin though… way back in the day when he was ‘off again’ with Kristen and I’d gotten my heart stomped on by that guy Chris…"

"I hated that guy…"

I smiled, "For good reason… he was a dick."

"He looked like one of those guys who was going to snap at any moment…"

"He did… that’s why I left him. He snapped and decided that hitting me was fun and I left."

"He hit you?"

"Twice in the same night. I didn’t stay around for any more than that…"

"Asshole…"

"Yup… So anyway sometime after that I was visiting you guys on a tour and Kevin and I went out to a club and danced and drank all night long. Then when we got back to the hotel we just went at it… one night, no strings, just physical sex. Wild and great physical sex… but we agreed that it wasn’t going to change anything, and it never has. Kevin actually told me a few weeks ago that Kristen knows all about it too."

"That’s cool… So you haven’t been with Brian have you?"

"Nope…"

"Just wondered…" Nick said quietly.

"What’s going through your head, honey?"

Nick adjusted his pillow a bit and then looked at me, "I was just thinking that we haven’t been this close on a bed since…"

"Since you ‘went there?’" I laughed.

He smiled, "Yeah…"

"Long time…"

"We used to take naps together a lot before then… I miss that."

"Me too…" I smiled.

He smiled too, "Wanna take a nap with me?"

"I think our traditional nap position might need a little make over. You’re bigger than I am now…" I laughed. When Nick was smaller and we’d take naps together I’d spoon up behind him running my fingers through his hair or he’d curl up laying his head on my chest as I protected him in a big sister/motherly fashion.

"How about I pretend I’m you? And you can be me?" Nick opened his arms to me and I scooted closer to him and wrapped my arm around him as my face pressed against his chest and I could feel his heart beating beneath my ear. His arms wrapped around me and I closed my eyes as the warmth of his body spread over mine.

"God you’re warm…"

"It’s the Florida Boy in me…" he giggled. He slid his knee between my legs pressing our bodies closer to one another and whispered to me, "My leg okay there?"

I nodded against his chest, "Mmm hmm…" Sleep was quickly taking over me and I could tell by the way his body was relaxing around mine that he was losing the fight to sleep too. "Night, Nickers…"

There was a long silent pause before he spoke again and kissed the top of my head, "Night, Kellers…"

 

 

Forty

~ Chicago, IL … Day One ~

After Philadelphia we had a four-day stay in Chicago with two days off, then two days on followed by an overnight to Michigan. Chicago was always a fun place to be, and we definitely took advantage of it.

Things seemed to be going well between Nick and me after our night in the bus. We’d gone back to communicating openly again, if not more openly than we had been before, and things just felt comfortable with him again. Things with AJ meanwhile were pretty great too. We were going ahead with going public with our relationship and hadn’t yet received any negative feedback. We figured the true test though would be in Chicago when we had two days of being out in public together with press and fans around every corner. If we were going to run into any trouble, it was going to start in Chicago.

"Mr. and Mrs. Richardson! Are you coming to dinner or not?" I yelled as I banged on Kevin’s suite door. Kristen had surprised him by flying in for our two days off and they’d barely surfaced for air once we got to the hotel.

"We’re coming… geesh, Kel!" Kevin laughed as he opened the door while putting his coat on. "Obnoxious much?"

"Nope, just hungry!"

"You sound like Nick…" Brian laughed as he joined us in the hall.

"Do I?" I asked Nick with a grin.

He nodded, "A little, but I don’t see why that’s so bad…"

We all giggled and I looked at Kevin, "Where’s the wifey?"

"Putting on her shoes, I’ll go get her…"

"Oh no you won’t!" I laughed pulling at Kevin’s hand. "If you go back in there you’ll take her to bed again and we won’t get to eat…"

"Here I am…" Kristen laughed. "And you’re right… good move not letting him go back in there for me…"

Kevin pouted, "Am I that bad?"

"No, baby…" Kristen cooed as she stood on her tiptoes and kissed Kevin. "You’re that good…" She winked at him and he grinned from eat to ear.

Nick laughed and nudged me. I shot him a death look and smacked him in the arm. Ever since I’d revealed to him about Kevin and my one night stand he’d been teasing me about it secretly. He’d walk past me and whisper in my ear, "God, Kevin has a nice ass doesn’t he?" Or one time after a concert he sat next to me in the van on the way back to the hotel and he looked at me and said, "Did you see the hard on Kev was sporting during the concert tonight?" He was ruthless, but I had to admit it was funny.

"So we’ve got everyone but AJ…" Howie said as he looked around the group of us standing in the hall. "Kel? Your man?"

"I have no idea. He said he was going to meet us there because he had something to do." I shrugged. "He and Marcus left about an hour an a half ago…"

"Well then you’re my date…" Nick smiled and offered me his arm.

"Thank you…" I smiled and took Nick’s arm. "Let’s go…"

Dinner was a hilarious, to put it gently. We hadn’t all been together like that in a long time, and it was a blast. We ate dinner in a fairly fancy restaurant that Howie had contacted about getting us a private room, which meant that we were able to totally relax without worrying about fans and the press. After dinner we headed to a nearby jazz club that Kevin had heard good things about and we danced all night long and closed the club at 3:00.

"Who wants breakfast?" Brian asked as we rode back to the hotel.

"Oooh… you know what sounds good is an omelet," I smiled.

"That’s what I was thinking…"Brian smiled.  "Nick, you up for breakfast in the hotel restaurant?"

"Yup…"

"Howie?"

"No thanks, I’m beat…" he yawned.

"Kev?"

"The only thing that sounds good to me right now is sitting here next to me holding my hand… we’ll get our own breakfast later, but thank you." Kevin kissed Kristen gently and I smiled watching them.

When we got to the hotel we went in the back entrance to avoid the bulk of the fans and then walked through the lobby as muffled screams could be heard from outside the doors of the hotel where the fans were camped out in the cold. The guys waved through the windows a bit and cameras flashed. I shook my head knowing that none of the pictures would turn out because of the bad lighting and the ricochet of the flash on the glass doors.

AJ tugged at my hand slightly and I stopped walking to look at him, "I think I’m going to skip breakfast…"

"You are? Are you okay?" I asked as I ran my fingers over his cheek.

"Yeah I’m just tired and I drank too much. I don’t want to eat."

I looked into AJ’s eyes silently, "You sure that’s all?"

AJ smiled and nodded, "Yes… stop looking at me like that…"

"Like what?"

"Like you’re going to skip breakfast to make sure I’m okay…" he smiled.  "I promise, I’m okay." I continued to watch his eyes for any flinch of hesitation in them. "Do I lie to you?"

I shook my head, "No…"

"Go have breakfast… then tomorrow is KJ and AJ date day okay?"

I smiled, "Okay… I love you ya know?"

AJ smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me to his body, "Yeah I do… and I love you…" He leaned down to kiss me and I tiptoed to meet his lips. We must have given the fans a pretty nice show because when we pulled apart both of us were breathless.

"Damn…" I sighed with a giggle.

He laughed, "You’ll get more of those later… now go catch up with the guys."

We went our separate ways and I joined up with Brian in the restaurant. "Where’s AJ?" Brian asked as I sat down.

"He went to bed…"

"You’re kidding? He okay?"

I shrugged, "He said he was, and I can usually tell if he’s lying. Said he was just tired and drank too much tonight and didn’t want to eat."

"That’s weird…"

"Yeah I thought so too…"

"Thought what?" Nick asked as he slid in the booth next to me after coming back from the restroom.

"AJ went to bed. I thought it was weird that he didn’t want to come with us."

"Huh… that is weird. Maybe he’s just tired…"

"That’s what he said," I said quietly.

"I’m sure he’s fine, Kel…" Brian said supportively and handed me a menu.

"Thanks, honey…"

Brian and Nick worked their Frick and Frack magic on me and before long I’d stopped worrying about AJ because I was laughing too hard at the two of them. Between them picking on one another, telling jokes, doing imitations and telling stories about one another that I’d never heard before, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Brian was the first to get tired and left Nick and me alone at the table as he decided to turn in.

Nick moved to the other side of the booth so that he could see me better as we talked and we continued picking at the food we’d ordered while continuing to talk. "So how are the pictures coming along?"

"Good… I can see how hard it’s going to be to choose which get into the book though. This is only what… the third week of tour? I’ve already got enough to make a book now…" I smiled.

"That’s okay, we’ll just have lots for our own photo albums then…"

"Exactly. Oh and I have an idea that I’m going to try soon too. I’m giving you guys an assignment. Probably the day after tomorrow."

"An assignment? What kind of assignment?"

"I’m not telling… but you’re going to do just fine at it so don’t worry."

Nick made a face at me and I smiled, "Whatever you say, Kel…"

"Don’t you trust me, Nicky?"

"Sure I do, but sometimes your ideas frighten me!" he laughed.

"Frighten you?" I giggled. "Wow… such power I have!"

"You’re nuts…"

"You keep telling me that…"

"Repetition is the best tool for teaching, don’t you watch Blue’s Clues?"

I cracked up, "Actually I do, but the thought that you do scares me…"

Nick scooted out of the booth and stood up and began to sing and dance, "We are lookin’ for Blue’s Clues… We are lookin’ for Blue’s Clues…"

"Oh my god…" I laughed and let my head hit the table in front of me.

Nick smiled, "Steve rocks…"

I shook my head and stood up, "And you call me nuts… Take me to my room, Carter…"

"But, Kel… your boyfriend is there… don’t you think we should go to mine?"

"Nah…" I shrugged. "He’s been asking me about a threesome, I figure I might as well indulge him…" I winked as I threw cash on the table and took Nick’s hand in mine leading him out toward the lobby of the hotel. "Come on, sexy…"

"Threesome? I don’t think so… I mean, that would mean I’d have to touch AJ…"

I laughed, "Yeah and?"

Nick shuddered, "Nope…"

"Nope?"

"Now Kev maybe… he’s so hot you know? And I hear he’s wild in bed…" he snorted.

"You are such a shit!" I laughed and attacked him.

He overpowered me as usual and managed to tackle me to the floor of the lobby as we both cracked up and the overnight desk clerk chuckled at us. Nick smiled as he looked down at me, "You should know better by now that I’m stronger than you…"

"Yeah well I like it when you’re rough…" I winked with a laugh. "I got you on top of me didn’t I?"

"Tease…"

"Yes?"

Nick rolled his eyes and then kissed me quickly before getting up and pulling me up with him. "Come on, I’ve gotta get you back to AJ before he gets worried that I’m trying to steal you… or I take you up on the threesome…" We laughed and teased each other all the way back to our floor.

 

Forty-one

~ Chicago, IL… Day Three, Concert # 15 ~

"Okay boys here’s the deal… over the years you’ve all taken turns grabbing my camera and taking pictures for me. Then two weeks ago when we were in DC, Nick took his turn at taking over the camera for me and it gave me an idea." I reached beneath the table that we were sitting around and put my hand into a grocery bag that was sitting at my feet and pulled five disposable cameras out placing them on the table with a smile. "Once a month during this tour… or how ever often I decide I want to do this, I’m turning the five of you lose with disposable cameras. I want you to capture whatever you want with these cameras, but you have to use all of the film then return the camera to me for developing." I passed a camera to each of the guys as I spoke, "You can take pictures of fans, of buildings, random objects… whatever you want, I’m giving you free range here. Just remember that if the pictures are good, and even if some of them are not, they’ll end up in the book at the end of the tour. Also remember, that if you get vulgar or kinky with the pictures, I am not the one that will be developing this film, so watch what you take pics of okay?"

AJ cackled, "That means no snapping pictures of your dick unless you want some intern at the record company scanning it and sending it all over the Internet before Kel even gets them back in her hands…"

I rolled my eyes but nodded and patted AJ’s shoulder, "Thank you, honey… that wasn’t exactly how I was going to phrase it, but basically yes. Although we haven't had any trouble yet with someone stealing my proofs before I get them, you never know… so be careful what you take pictures of. Oh and you have to take a self portrait of yourself each time too so that I know whose pictures they are…" I laughed. "Any questions?"

"Can we take pictures of you?" Brian smiled.

"Why?"

"Because you’re always taking pictures of us, but we hardly have any pictures of you…" Howie added and the rest of the guys nodded.

I smiled and shrugged, "If you feel the need to take a picture of me, then sure… Like I said, it’s up to you. I’m not going to guide you at all." Practically all at once the five of them snapped a picture of me and I laughed, "Do you guys do everything together?"

"Ooh now that would be a fun picture… a six-some!" Nick laughed

"Six some?" Kevin laughed.

"Yeah I know it’s not a word, but do you have a better name for it?" Nick giggled.

"Orgy…" Brian, Howie, Kevin and I all said in unison then laughed.

"I’ve got a name for it…" AJ smiled as he stood up.

"Oh yeah?" Nick asked. "What is it?"

"Never Gunna Happen Cause She’s Mine So All of Y’all Can Back Off My Woman…"

*****

Sending the boys off with their disposable cameras was something that I should have done years ago. That afternoon at the venue I didn’t have to play mom to any of them and I didn’t have to be the prey in any of their pranks because they were all off taking pictures. From what I could see as I shadowed them taking my own pictures of them taking pictures, they were putting a lot of thought into them too. In fact I started to think that maybe if the pictures turned out well, I was going to have to start giving them two cameras each for each assignment.

With the boys happily running around taking pictures in the venue I went outside to take pictures of the fans waiting outside near the back entrance and planned on giving out meet and greet passes to the good ones who stuck a chord in my heart. I walked out of a side door which wasn’t being watched by the fans and walked up to the security guard who was standing in the bus lot and handed him a cup of coffee, "Hi there Michael… brought you a warm up…"

"Thank you… So, Miss Kellie, how are you today?"

"I’m pretty good… the girls behaving today?"

"So far so good, no one has crossed the barricade and they’re all being polite."

I snapped a picture of him and he smiled, "That’s good…" I looked around for something to inspire a picture and saw a group of girls huddling together to keep warm. I zipped my coat up further and put my gloves on. "Stay warm, Mikey… I’ll talk to you later… duty calls…" I smiled and walked away. As I got a little closer to the girls I stopped and took a picture of them, "Dedication…" I said as I scribbled the title in my notebook. I approached the girls and said hi, "Hey ladies…"

"Hi…" one of them said with a smile.

"How long you’ve been standing out here in the cold?"

"About five hours… Do you know if any of the Backstreet Boys are in there? Those girls over there said that they weren’t here yet."

I smiled, "Those girls are lying… the Boys are all inside actually. We got here early today and used the other entrance."

"Really?" the girl said with a sad statement on her face.

"Yeah… sorry, honey."

"Are you sure that AJ is in there? I just want to see AJ, we all do actually, he’s our favorite…"

I giggled and pulled out my phone, "Hang on a second." I dialed AJ’s cell phone and waited as it rang.

"Yes my love?" he purred as he answered.

"Where are you, honey?"

"Taking pictures of Nick…"

I laughed, "Do I even want to know what he’s doing?"

"Nope… wait til you get the pictures back…"

"Okay… well listen I’ve got a few girls outside who’d like to say hi to you…"

"Cool, put em on…"

I handed my phone to the girl who’d been doing all of the talking and then took pictures of her as she talked to AJ on the phone. Her whole face lit up and tears glistened in her eyes. After a few minutes she handed the phone to me with a shaky hand, "He wants to talk to you again…"

"Hey…"

"She’s cool…"

"Yeah I thought so too…" I smiled.

"Get them M&G passes okay? And send them home to warm up for goodness sake."

"Way ahead of you, honey… I’ve gotta go. But whatever Blondie is doing, tell him to be careful, I know what a klutz he can be."

AJ laughed, "I will… don’t stay outside too long okay?"

"I won’t…"

"Love you…"

"Love you too…" I smiled and hung up the phone. The girls all looked at me in shock and I laughed, "You guys still breathing?" They nodded in unison and I giggled as I reached into my pocket. "I’m under strict orders by AJ to give you girls passes to tonight’s meet and greet… and then send you home to get warm." I handed them over to the girls and they looked like they were in shock.

"You mean we’re going to meet them?"

"All five…" I smiled.

"Oh my god…"

"You’ll be fine… now get out of here before you freeze to death or get sick and have to miss the meet and greet you hear me?"

"Heck yeah… we’re out of here!" the girls giggled. "Oh my god we’re going to meet them!" They danced around a bit and I took more pictures. "Who are you by the way?"

"Me? I’m Kel…" I said holding out my hand to them. "Tour photographer, friend to the Boys, and…"

"Resident groupie…"

I looked up to the voice that had cut me off, "Excuse me?"

"You can pretend that you’re their ‘friend’ but we know the truth, we saw the pictures…"

Looking at the teenager through narrowed eyes I shook my head, "What are you talking about? What pictures?"

"Don’t read the paper much huh? Check out today’s Times…" I didn’t have a clue what the little girl in front of me was talking about but she was pissing me off. "Why don’t you stop bullshitting and just go away?"

I couldn’t believe my ears. I think my mouth fell open and I stared at her, "Listen I don’t know what you’re talking about or who you think you are, but say one more thing like that to me and I’ll have you thrown off of the property faster than you’ll believe."

The girl laughed a cold laughed, "Try it, bitch…"

That was it… I called security on my cell, "Hey it’s KJ… listen I’ve got a situation out here at the fan barricade. Can you come take care of it? Thanks…" I looked at the girl, "They’re on their way…" The girls who I’d given the passes to meanwhile stood by in awe, they didn’t know what to do or say. I smiled at them as much as I could and motioned for them to go with my hands, "Go ahead ladies… I’ll see you tonight okay?"

"O… Okay… thank you, Kel… will you be at the meet and greet too?"

"Yeah, I’ll be there. Now go get warmed up, wouldn’t want you frozen when you meet the Boys…" The girls nodded and said goodbye and rushed off while the little bitch and her partner in crime stood looking at me wide eyed as they realized I’d given out passes to the other girls. When security arrived a moment later I stepped out of the girls hearing range and explained to the guard what had happened. He promptly escorted the girls off property and I walked back into the building with a bewildered statement on my face.

Once inside the venue again I looked around remembering that I’d seen newspapers somewhere back there but I couldn’t remember where. I walked around frantically looking for a newspaper and then saw a janitor with a paper in his back pocket. "Excuse me… is that a Sun Times paper?"

"Yup…" he smiled as he took it out of his pocket. I’m done with it if you’d like it."

I nodded, "Is it the whole paper? All sections?"

"Sure is…"

"Okay… um I can pay you for it… if…"

"No," he smiled holding his hands up, "Go ahead and take it. I’d be pleasured to have such a beautiful young lady take my paper…"

I forced a smile, "Thank you… thank you so much…" I started flipping through the paper page by page frantically looking for what the girl could have been talking about. The janitor said goodbye and walked down the hall as I stood there searching the paper throwing sections to the floor as I finished searching them. "Come on come on… where are you?" I threw another section to the floor and flipped a few more pages then stopped in my tracks as I finally found what I’d been looking for. "Oh god…"

 

 

 

Forty-two

"’Some sources report that Johnson not only travels with the Boys as their tour photographer but that she also dates one or more of the guys…’ What the hell ‘sources’ are they talking about? This is bullshit! Listen to this. ‘The lucky Ms. Johnson has been seen with the Boys on every stop of their current world tour and witnesses claim that she is ‘very comfortable’ with the guys.’ Very comfortable? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Very comfortable…"

"Kel, honey, calm down…"

"No I’m not going to calm down, Kevin… God! They’re trashing my fucking name all over this article.”  I sat down on the couch in the dressing room and sighed with my head in my hands. I’d been pacing around the room ranting and raving as I filled the guys in on the article. "I just don’t get it… I’ve been around with you guys on tour and stuff for eight years… now all of a sudden I’m the fucking Anti-Christ."

"Kel…" Brian said quietly as he sat next to me and ran his hand over my back soothingly. "It’ll be okay… we were bound to see a little backlash when people found out that you were dating AJ…"

"This isn’t little Brian…" I said as I jerked away from him and stood up grabbing the paper from Kevin and handing it to Brian. "Have you read it? Have you looked at it? You tell me if you think that is little, Brian… Jesus…" I turned my back to all of the guys and ran my fingers through my hair as I took a deep breath.

The article that had been published in the Chicago Sun Times wasn’t pretty. Put simply, they questioned whether I was really a photographer or not and implied that I was the group whore. The worst part though had to be the pictures. Whoever got it in their head to trash my name in the paper had us followed in Chicago. There was a pictorial timeline with dates and times showing me with the guys. They say that a picture says a thousand words, but in this case it told a thousand lies. The photographer had captured me joking around riding piggy back on Kevin when we first got into town and before Kristen showed up, then the next day I was shown walking out of the hotel with my arm linked to Nick’s when we were all headed to dinner. At the club I was shown dancing with Brian and Howie when they’d been goofing off and made a sandwich around me, then back at the hotel they caught AJ and me kissing in the lobby before he went to bed. The clincher though was a set of pictures of Nick and me from that night. They’d captured us in the restaurant laughing at the table, then walking holding hands as we walked out to the lobby, me jumping at him and him pinning me to the floor and of course his kiss. Those pictures of us in the lobby of the hotel alone made me look like a slut, but added to the rest of the pictures and the article that went along with it was pure tabloid trash.

Howie took the paper from Brian and looked at it, "They must have been following us the whole time… this is nuts. I don’t remember seeing anyone with a camera around."

"They used a zoom…" I said quietly as I turned around and faced them all again. "You can tell by the way that the pictures are so grainy… He or she must have had one hell of a zoom on the camera, makes the pictures shitty quality. The ones from the lobby are clearer because they could have been standing at the door with the rest of the fans."

Brian chuckled, "Only you would critique the quality of the pictures…"

I cracked a slight smile and rolled my eyes, "Yeah well contrary to what this chick wrote about me, I am a photographer…" I sighed again and looked at Nick and AJ who were sitting at opposite sides of the room and were very quiet.

"Well I can talk to management and see if we can get a retraction printed. You could interview with the paper and tell your side of the story, clear things up," Kevin said.

"Yeah but how many people are going to believe me now Kevin? It’s going to look like we made some story up to cover my ass… They’re still going to think whatever the hell they want to think about me. We might as well just forget it…" Anger began to leave my body as the hurt rushed in and I felt tears coming on and I took a moment to compose myself. "Let them believe what they want… I don’t want to cause anymore trouble. I’m the whore that’s all they care about…"I turned and left the room as I started to break down and cry. I made it to the women’s restroom across the hall and sank to the floor hugging my knees to my body as I cried.

Seconds later I heard footsteps and then felt arms wrap around me tightly. I knew without even opening my eyes that it was Kevin. He held me as I cried and spoke quietly to me, "Kel… you’re not ‘the whore’ and we’re not just going to let this drop. They printed lies about you and that was wrong. We’re not going to pretend that what they said was okay. You are not only our friend, but you are an amazing photographer and you are working on this tour, the world needs to know that, and we’re going to let them know. I know this hurts, but it’s going to get better…"

"I can’t do this, Kevin…" I whispered as I held onto him tight and we rocked slightly.

"Do what?"

"All of this… the article, the pictures… I’ve been in the press because of you guys before but this is so different, Kev… I let you guys down."

He pulled my face up to look at me, "You did no such thing…"

"Bullshit…" I sighed. "This is going to cause so much shit for you guys to deal with. Like you don’t already have enough to handle? Now you’ve got to worry about defending the poor little photographer who just so happens to be fucking AJ and has been in bed with a few others too…"

"Kellie…"

"I let you down…" I bit my bottom lip as it trembled and more tears fell down my cheeks. "I hate that I let you down…"

"Honey, come here…" Kevin sighed as he pulled me into a hug again. "You didn’t let us down. You didn’t do anything wrong. Those pictures just show you being the person that the five of us all know and love. Fooling around and being goofy is what you do. And you also happen to take amazing photographs and you’re in love with AJ… that’s nothing to be ashamed of and by all means it’s not wrong. You know just as well as I do what the press can do to twist a story around. You didn’t do anything…"

"What about AJ and Nick? Did you see them in there? They both looked like they’d been slapped in the face… Maybe I didn’t let you all down, but I let them down…"

"They’re upset because you’re upset… that’s all. They both love you, we all love you… and none of us want to see you hurting like this. But I can guarantee you that AJ and Nick are not upset with you. They love you…"

I sat up from Kevin and wiped my tears away angrily, "Yeah well answer me one question then. If they both love me so much and they’re both so concerned about me… why is that you’re the one sitting on the bathroom floor with me? If AJ is so in love with me and I didn’t let him down, why isn’t he in here?" I shook my head when Kevin didn’t have an answer for me and pushed more tears off of my cheeks, "I’ve gotta get out of here… I can’t do this."

"Where are you going?" Kevin asked as I stood up and he followed.

"Back to the hotel I guess? I don’t know… I’m taking the night off… You’ve got another concert here tomorrow, I’ll get pictures then."

"Don’t go back there alone… just stay and watch the concert for fun. Then we’ll all go back together afterward."

I shook my head, "I don’t want to have any fun right now… I just want to go somewhere and cry, and I don’t want to do that here with all of you."

"Kel…"

"Kevin, please don’t make this any harder than it already is!" I yelled and then began to cry again as we stood in the hall between the dressing room and the restroom. "I just need some time okay?" I added in a much softer voice.

He nodded, "Okay… I’m sorry…"

"Me too…" I sighed and wiped my tears yet again before taking a deep breath and walking back into the dressing room to get my bag. I stepped in and any conversation that had been going on promptly stopped as they saw me. I rolled my eyes and picked my bag and coat up off of the floor. I glanced at AJ and Nick who were both still sitting looking at the floor and not talking to anyone and my heart broke a little bit more. I looked at Kevin and shook my head sadly, "Later…"

*****

I’d gone back to the hotel and had a good cry but then got antsy. I didn’t want to be in the hotel anymore with all of the reminders of the guys around me, and I didn’t want to cry anymore. I scribbled a note on a piece of hotel stationary for AJ to tell him that I went "out" and that I’d be back later. I wondered if he’d even care where I was when I left the note, but went ahead and left it anyway.

Sneaking out of the back entrance of the hotel I walked around the city for a few hours just taking in the scenery and occasionally snapping a picture. Chicago by no means was my New York, but being in a large city made me feel at home. I loved the noisiness of the streets and the bright lights mixed with the bright yellow taxicabs and colorful busses. The hectic pace of a large city calmed me for some reason and as I walked through Chicago I began to relax.

Eventually I made it to Navy Pier and sat around watching the people and taking pictures of the scenery. As much as I was enjoying my job touring with the Boys and taking pictures of the tour process, I missed taking random pictures in the city. I missed being able to roam around without security and without worrying that someone was going to recognize us. I loved all of the guys with all of my heart, but to say that being in their lives was hard, was an understatement. There were times where I secretly longed for AJ to be a "normal" guy who could go out without it being a big production. Of course, it was different when we were in Orlando. Rarely would we bother with security there… but anywhere else in the world that we went Marcus went too. Try having a romantic dinner with a bodyguard sitting three feet away; it’s not very romantic at all.

I thought about a lot of things that night as I sat on a bench breathing in the crisp winter air blowing through the city. But the thought that kept entering my mind was the way that AJ and Nick had both looked when they saw the article in the paper. Neither of them had said more than a few words in response to it, and they’d both just shut down. I didn’t know how to take that, and I didn’t know what it meant for my relationship with either of them. I knew in my heart that the only way that I was going to find out how they felt was if I talked to them both, but it just didn’t seem to me that either of them really cared to talk to me just yet.

My cell phone rang around 1:00 in the morning as I was walking back to the hotel slowly. I looked at the Caller ID and saw that it was AJ and the tears I’d shut off hours before threatened to return. "Hello?"

"Hey, baby…" he said quietly.

"Hey…"

"I wanted to give you some time alone because I found your note… but it was getting late so I was starting to worry about you wandering around without anyone with you. You okay?"

"Yeah… I’m a few blocks from the hotel now…"

"You’re coming home?"

Something about the way he called it home hit me hard. My home really was with him and the rest of the guys, and when I’d left that night to think, I had essentially run away from home. "Yeah I’m coming home…" I said quietly.

"Okay… cause I miss you. I know I was an ass earlier, and I should have gone after you to make sure that you were okay when you left, but I don’t know… I freaked out for some reason and I couldn’t move. I kept sitting there telling myself to get up and go after you or to at least say something but I couldn’t. Baby, I love you… I’m so sorry…"

I was crying again, "I’m sorry too…"

"For what?"

I paused as I saw the large crowd of fans standing in front of the hotel and I wiped my tears. "I’m outside of the hotel, I’ve gotta go through the fans so I’m going to put my phone away… I’ll be up in a few minutes okay?"

"Okay … bye…"

"Bye…" I put my phone in an inside coat pocket and then made my way through the group of fans. Apparently Marcus had been waiting for me because when he saw me he helped clear a path for me and I followed him into the hotel. I sighed with relief as we made it inside and away from the fans. The heat of the building hit me and I realized how cold I’d been outside as my skin tingled.

Marcus looked down at me, "You alright, girlie?"

I nodded silently and then pushed the elevator button for us. We rode the elevator in silence and then stepped off on our floor. When we reached his room I looked up at him and smiled slightly, "Night, Marcus…"

Before I could get my keycard into our suite door AJ opened it and I had a hard time looking at him. I felt stupid and I didn’t know why. "God, you must be freezing…" he sighed as he looked at me. I nodded and walked into the room as he closed the door and locked it. He adjusted the thermostat in the room turning the heat up and then looked at me, "Come on…" He took my cold hand and let me into the bedroom and made me sit down on the bed as he started pulling my warmest pajamas from my bag and then found my cow slippers and sat them next to me on the bed. I lost it again and started to cry yet again at his sweet gesture and covered my face with my hands.

"I’m so sorry…" I whispered through my fingers. "I never wanted it to be like this, I never wanted to hurt you or embarrass you and… god, I’m so sorry…"

AJ knelt on the floor before me and looked up at me as he rested his hands on my knees, "Is that what you thought? That you embarrassed me or hurt me? Oh, Kel… No. You didn’t do any of that. You didn’t hurt me or embarrass me."

"Then why wouldn’t you talk to me?" I sighed as I looked down at him. "Why did you ignore me after you saw the article?"

He sighed and shook his head, "Truthfully? Because I was afraid… I was so afraid that the article was going to be too much too soon for you and that you’d say that it wasn’t worth it."

"Say that what wasn’t worth it?"

"Being with me…"

"Oh, honey…"

"You’ve been in my life for eleven years, Kel, and never had to deal with anything as ugly as this… I know how important your name is to you and how important letting people know that you’re good at what you do is. I just kind of flashed forward and saw you telling me that you couldn’t be with me if it meant that people weren’t going to take you seriously… I never wanted to be the reason that critics ignore all of your hard work… I… "

I took AJ’s face in my hands and he flinched at how cold they were, "Don’t ever think that you’re not just as important to me as anything else in my life or that I could walk away from you. You’re right, I do take it very personally when someone disrespects my name… but, honey, I love you. I can’t walk away from that. That article hurt me so much, but losing you would hurt me to a degree that I couldn’t ever begin to put into words."

AJ got up and sat next to me and put his hand on my cheek wiping away a tear with his thumb, "You’re never going to lose me… baby, you’ve got me for life."

 

 

Forty-three

I couldn’t sleep that night. Even after clearing things up with AJ, I was too worked up to sleep. With all of the excitement of the day on top of that night’s concert AJ was exhausted though and soon passed out next to me in bed. For a while I just stayed there and watched him sleep. He always looked so peaceful when he slept and often times watching him would put me at ease and I’d fall asleep too. Unable to relax though, I eventually got up and went into the sitting room of our suite.

Not wanting to watch television I instead opted to work. I pulled out a stack of un-catalogued pictures and booted up my computer. For an hour or so I worked on logging pictures and running queries to find out how many of each type of picture I’d already taken on the tour. Once I got tired of that though I signed onto the Internet to check my e-mail. There weren’t many e-mails there, and after responding to them all I looked at the clock wondering if anyone I knew was online. I figured that it was too late even for my West coast friends to be online, yet I turned on my IM anyway just to see. I was shocked to see that someone on my list was online, but even more shocked to see that it was Nick. I frowned at the screen wondering why he was up so late and clicked his name before typing a message.

SexyShutterbug: Can’t sleep?

SharkFood: Nope. You?

SexyShutterbug: Not really. Been working for the past hour on stuff for the book.

SharkFood: Ahh…

SexyShutterbug: What’s got you up so late?

SharkFood: You.

SexyShutterbug: Me?

SharkFood: Worried… glad you’re back though.

SexyShutterbug: I’m sorry…

SharkFood: For what?

SexyShutterbug: Worrying you… the article, everything…

SharkFood: The article wasn’t your fault and I worry because I care.

SexyShutterbug: *smiles* Thanks

SharkFood: Np… so why can’t you sleep? You okay?

SexyShutterbug: Too worked up. Can’t seem to relax. I feel better but when I close my eyes it all comes back.

SharkFood: Yeah, me too.

SexyShutterbug: How so?

SharkFood: That article messed with my head

SexyShutterbug: Keep going…

SharkFood: I hated what that bitch said about you. She had no right… but those pictures of us… well part of me sees why they thought we were together. I’m not making excuses for the article… I just kind of understand.

SexyShutterbug: Yeah me too. No one is ever going to understand the relationships that I have with you guys. The pictures just made it look bad though.

SharkFood: The kissing one…

SexyShutterbug: exactly

SharkFood: It looks like we’re a couple

SexyShutterbug: Yeah…Honey can I ask you a question?

SharkFood: Sure

SexyShutterbug: Why wouldn’t you talk to me today at the venue? You and AJ both clamed up. I talked to AJ and I know now why he closed up like that. But I don’t know why you did. I just… well I guess I need to know how the whole article affected you…

There was a long pause and I bit the end of a pen waiting for Nick’s response.

SharkFood: I closed down because there was a part of me that saw those pictures and wished that they were really what they looked like. I see you with AJ and I’m insanely jealous of what you two have and how you’re so happy and in love. Yet I’m alone. And the reason why I didn’t talk is because I felt like it was AJ’s "job" to be there for you, not mine. I’m always here for you Kel, but when he’s there I stand back. But when he didn’t go after you… I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to go after you so bad but I just didn’t because I wanted you and AJ to deal with it first.

SexyShutterbug: I don’t know what to say, Nicky. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this is so hard on you and I’m causing you so much pain. You know that I never want to hurt you right?

SharkFood: You don’t have to apologize. Like I said before, I do it because I care. If you weren’t so important to me I wouldn’t care so much and it wouldn’t hurt. And if I had to choose between not caring so that I didn’t hurt, or having you around to care about… I’d choose having you in my life every time.

I closed my eyes after reading his message and then heard another come through.

SharkFood: Stop crying…

I smiled.

SexyShutterbug: I can’t

SharkFood: I didn’t want you to cry… but I promised to tell you the truth no matter what it was. I’m not going to fuck up that rule anymore.

SexyShutterbug: Thank you, Nicky

SharkFood: You’re welcome. Still crying?

SexyShutterbug: Yes

SharkFood: Stop! *grin*

SexyShutterbug: I’m trying to…

SharkFood: Good…

SexyShutterbug: The sun will be rising soon…

SharkFood: Yeah I was just thinking that.

SexyShutterbug: Ever watch the sun rise over Lake Michigan?

SharkFood: Nope

SexyShutterbug: Up for it?

SharkFood: You’re kidding?

SexyShutterbug: Nope

SharkFood: It’s cold out there…

SexyShutterbug: Wuss… put on lots of warm clothes and meet me in the hall in 5 minutes.

SharkFood: Yes dear… see you in 5.

I got dressed extra warmly and scribbled a note for AJ and left it on the television in its usual spot. I grabbed my camera bag and a blanket then quietly stepped into the hall just as Nick was. I giggled at how cute he was all bundled up and grabbed his hand, "Come on…"

Ten minutes later thanks to a cab that we’d hailed from the back of the hotel Nick and I were sitting on a bench wrapped in the blanket I’d brought and were talking quietly waiting for the sun. By the time the sun raised Nick and I both started yawning and decided to go back to the hotel and finally get some sleep. Maybe it was getting things off of our chests that helped us relax, or perhaps the fact that we’d spent time together that did the trick… either way we were both much calmer by the time we made it back to the hotel and we said goodnight in the hall with a hug. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

~~~~~

"So what do you think?"

I sighed as I looked at Kevin and held AJ’s hand in mine. "I don’t know…"

"Baby, this will be good…" AJ said quietly squeezing my hand for emphasis. "At least for some people it’ll clear it all up and you’ll get them back on your side."

"But television? Can’t I just do a print interview?"

Kevin smiled, "You’ve been on television before. Hell, you’ve been on ET before… this isn’t anything new."

"I never had to defend myself before…" I mumbled quietly. "But if you think this is what I should do, then fine…"

Kevin somehow had called in a favor to someone who worked for Entertainment Tonight and had arranged for someone to fly out during our off days and interview me to clear up the rumors about me being the group’s traveling groupie. He assured me that if I had the chance to tell the story in my own words that people would listen and understand me a little better. I assured him, on the other hand, that I was going to be a nervous wreck and would probably make matters worse by talking like an idiot on national television.

"So, Kellie… what can you tell me about your relationship with the Backstreet Boys and what your purpose on this tour is?"

The interviewer Ben was new, looked younger than me, and frankly looked like he was out to catch me in a lie. I wasn’t having it. "Well, my relationship with the guys is threefold. I’m their friend. I’ve known them all since before there was such a thing called the Backstreet Boys, so I’ve always been a part of the group. I’m a photographer and I’m shooting pictures on this tour for a pictorial behind the scenes book that will be published after the tour. And, I’m AJ’s girlfriend."

"So you are dating one of the guys?"

"Yes I am…"

"And how long has this been going on?"

"Since January, so not for long. But like I said, I’ve known AJ for a very long time, he’s my best friend. Oh and before you even ask… yes I had the job before he was my boyfriend." I smirked at the look on the Ben’s face.

"You say that you’ve always been a part of the group… but suddenly the articles like the one that prompted this interview are popping up now. Why now?"

"Because I’m a girlfriend now. When I was around before I was just a friend who no one really cared about. I’ve done interviews, I’ve been part of videos an specials… I’ve even been on this show about four or five times now, but when I was known as ’AJ’s Friend’ it was a whole different story than being ’AJ’s Girlfriend.’"

"Let’s talk about Nick Carter…" he said with his own smirk.

"What about him?" I asked as my eye’s narrowed.

"How about the lip lock you two had in the article printed in the Chicago Sun-Times?"

"He’s my friend. I’m affectionate with my friends."

"Looks like more than affection to me…"

"So because I kissed Nick I’m automatically dating him?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. "What if I kiss a girl who is my friend, are you going to assume that I’m all of a sudden dating her? If I kiss my parents what does that mean? Different people have different ways of showing their affection. It just so happens that I hug and kiss. AJ is my boyfriend and Nick is one of my best friends. If people are that shallow that they want to assume that I’m messing around with Nick because I kiss him, then go right ahead. I know who I am and the guys do too. That’s all that matters to me. I have a job to do, and I don’t have the time, the patience or the desire to spend my time trying to convince anyone of anything. If they can’t believe the truth, then they can think what they want. That includes you…" I took my microphone off and left the room without saying another word.

AJ was in the hall waiting for me and followed me, "Wait up… you okay?"

"Yeah… I’m just done. He pissed me off. I’m okay…"

"What did he do?" he asked as he stopped me from walking and put his hands on my shoulders.

I sighed, "He’s just like everyone else, Age… he doesn’t believe I’m more than a girlfriend tagging along for the ride either. It didn’t matter what the hell I said in there… all he cared about was trash television. I said what I needed to say, and that’s all I can do."

AJ nodded and then kissed my forehead, "That’s all you can do sometimes… it’ll be okay."

The next day we all sat in Brian’s room watching the show from Pontiac, Michigan where the next concert would be. I was a nervous mess and sat between AJ and Kevin who were more focused on keeping me calm than anything else. When the segment with our interview began I grabbed AJ’s hand in mine and watched carefully.

Mary Hart was on the screen in a really bad outfit introducing the segment, "It seems that there is controversy brewing in the world of the Backstreet Boys. A few days ago the Chicago Sun-Times published these pictures of Kellie Johnson in Chicago with the Boys. The article that accompanied the photographs stated some pretty heavy accusations about Johnson’s relationship with the members of the highly successful group. Ben Haliden met up with Johnson as well as the members of the Backstreet Boys to get their twist on this ET Exclusive…"

"Wow… you made Exclusive, Kel…" Howie smiled. I smiled back slightly and we all went back to watching the show.

The screen flashed the pictures from the newspaper again while Ben did a voice over quoting the articles ugliest points and Backstreet music filled in the background. The screen then showed Kevin sitting with Ben talking, "Kel has been a part of our lives for a very long time now. She is truly the best friend that the five of us have. She’s seen us through thick and thin, and has never given up on us even when we were ready to give up on ourselves…"

Nick then showed up on the screen with Brian at his side, "Sure I kissed her. She’s my friend, I kiss all of my friends…" Nick then cheesed into the camera and planted a kiss on Brian.

Howie was next and he smiled at Ben while he spoke, "Kel? Oh yeah she’s great. Trust me, anyone who can put up with the five of us for so long is a very special person. I’d say that if anyone could hold the title of being the Sixth Backstreet Boy… it would have to be Kel. Even though she’s a girl…"

AJ’s face appeared on the screen and he shrugged, "I love her. She’s my best friend, and I love her more than anything in my life. What else is there to say?"

The segment then went on to show some of my interview with Ben, "I know who I am and the guys do too. That’s all that matters to me. I have a job to do, and I don’t have the time, the patience or the desire to spend my time trying to convince anyone of anything. If they can’t believe the truth, then they can think what they want."

The screen flashed images of me taking photos of the guys and then Ben was shown in the lobby of our hotel, "After meeting with Kellie and the Backstreet Boys I decided to do a little of my own research…" Ben went on to do a voice over as a montage of Backstreet footage from both Entertainment Tonight as well as other public appearances where I made an appearance was shown. "I have to say that it looks like everything that Johnson and her Backstreet friends said is true. Not only did we find clips of her appearing on our own show, but also on several other shows as well. As for her current job as the tour photographer, that too panned out. Sources with the Backstreet Boys management team verified that Johnson truly is employed as the tour photographer for the group. In fact, every past employer that I spoke to about her stated what a wonderful job she did and recommended her highly. It seems to me that the pictures as well as the article printed in the Chicago Sun-Times, were unfounded. Sources at the Sun-Times were not responsive to our requests for a statement."

Mary Hart and Ben were shown sitting in the Entertainment Tonight studios and Mary looked at Ben, "It’s pretty clear to me just by looking at your piece that the Backstreet Boys all care about Miss Johnson pretty deeply."

"Yes it is…" Ben said nodding. "It’s a shame that an article like this one had to come out like it did. It wasn’t hard for us to find out the information about Kellie and her long-standing relationship with the Backstreet Boys as well as her reputation in New York as a photographer. As for the Backstreet Boys, they simply didn’t have anything bad to say about her what so ever."

"Well I hope that hearing their side of things will help out the tough situation that they’ve all been going through in the past few days… It‘s official ladies, one more Backstreet Boy is taken."

We all let out a collective sigh of relief as the show went to commercial and we stared at the television. "Wow…" I said quietly.

"Yeah…" AJ said and squeezed my hand in his.

"That was so much better than I thought it was going to be. I really thought he was going to slaughter me by the way that he was drilling me for dirt..."

"It’s hard to slaughter someone when you can’t find the dirt… He may have tried to get you to break, but it wouldn’t have meant anything if he didn’t have something to back it up." Kevin said as the rest of the guys nodded in agreement. "But apparently he couldn’t find anything, which of course isn’t a shock to all of us. Your past employers have been happy, and our management wasn’t about to deny the fact that you’re on staff for us. You’re just of as good of a person as we all know you are… they couldn’t slaughter you and have it be true."

I nodded, "Well thank goodness for ET wanting to report the truth for once…"

Brian laughed and we all looked at him, "How long y’all wanna bet it takes until a rumor is started about Nick kissing me?"

 

 

Forty-four

After the Entertainment Tonight appearance things actually seemed to calm down a bit. AJ and I received a great deal of support from the more mature fans who were able to understand that he was happy with me and that’s all that really mattered in the grand scheme of things. There, of course, were that expected group of fans who hated me simply because they knew that I wasn’t just AJ’s friend anymore. I tried not to waste much time on them though. On top of those fans, there was another small group of fans who didn’t like me because they were able to see that my friendship extended past AJ and was with all of the guys. To see a girl hanging out with "their Boys" and having fun touring with them and goofing off with them was too much for some of the more possessive fans to handle. In all though, the backlash from the Chicago incident died down within a few days.

The biggest difference that I could see was that I went from being known to the more dedicated fans as "AJ’s Friend" to Kel. It was weird to go out into the venue to take pictures of the fans before the concert began and have girls calling my name. Before they’d yell, "Hey… aren’t you AJ’s Friend?" After the ET appearance though that all ended. I even had girls asking me to pose for pictures with them, and requests for autographs.

"Kel’s turning into a superstar…" Howie teased as we sat around eating lunch at the venue one afternoon.

"Oh please…" I groaned.

"Haven’t you heard them yelling your name?" Brian asked.

I ignored him and took a bite of my sandwich while AJ chirped in, "Yeah and I’m not exactly enjoying the ever growing group of male fans that are hanging around asking for you…"

I smiled and patted his cheek, "I like them…"

"You would…" Nick laughed.

"Mmm… young boys…" I laughed with a wiggle of my eyebrows and lick of my lips.

"Kel!" AJ groaned.

"Sweetie, you fall into that young boy category you know? Stop whining."

"I’m not whining…"

"Then stop pouting…" I laughed. "I’m yours, baby…"

"And mine on Wednesday mornings…" Nick smiled.

I nodded, "Yeah and Nick’s on Wednesday mornings."

"And mine on Thursdays…" Kevin added.

"Howie and I get her on Mondays…" Brian laughed.

I giggled, "My Short Boy Sandwich day…"

We all laughed and kept teasing one another until one of the tour interns came in with two packages for me. I recognized one as another box of photos coming back from being processed, but the other one looked like a personal package. I looked at the padded envelope in confusion and read the return address. "Why does this name look so familiar?"

AJ leaned over and looked at the envelope and shrugged, "Doesn’t ring a bell for me. New York though…"

"Yeah…" I mumbled as I opened the package and pulled out a book with a note tied to the front with a ribbon. I untied the ribbon and unfolded the note. AJ reached out for the book and I slapped his hand away and shot him a look. The guys all giggled at him and waited patiently to find out what it was I’d received. I read the note silently with my hand resting on the book and then smiled, "Wow…" I opened the book and flipped through a few pages before looking up at the guys.

"What is it?" Kevin asked.

I read from the note.

Dear Kellie,

I’m not sure if you’ll remember me or not. It’s actually been about five years since we met, and even then we didn’t spend much time together. My older sister Meredith got married four years ago and you took the pictures at her wedding. It was then when I walked around following you and watching you take pictures that I realized that photography might be something that I wanted to do with my life. Since then I’ve graduated from high school and college majoring in Photography and I’m currently doing freelance work here in the City. After I picked up a camera I found my purpose in life and realized that I couldn’t put it down. I’ve wanted to thank you for opening up my eyes so many years ago but never really knew where to find you since you no longer work for the same company that you did when you photographed my sister’s wedding. When I saw you recently though on Entertainment Tonight I realized that I was being given a second chance to find you and thank you for bringing the gift of photography into my life. I searched high and low trying to find you since that show was broadcast and even now as I write this, I’m not sure if this will reach you but I still feel like I need to try. Enclosed are a collection of some of my favorite of pictures that I’ve taken as well as a picture that I recently found in my mother’s home of me trailing behind you as you took pictures of the chapel that the wedding was held at. I tend to call that picture, ‘Life’s Path Realized.’ I hope you enjoy the pictures, and by all means if you want to respond and tell me what you think about my work, I’d love to hear from you. Even if you can’t contact me though, please know how much I thank you for showing me the path to take in my life. I’ll forever be grateful for the kindness that you showed for a quiet sixteen-year-old who at the time was lost in the world.

Sincerely,

Faith Harper

I flipped open the book again and looked at the photographs that she’d sent me. AJ leaned in and looked at them too and Nick got up and moved to our side of our table to get a better look. "She’s good…" Nick said quietly.

"Yeah she is…" I agreed as I turned another page.

"Oh wow… that one is cool…" Nick said as he pointed to a black and white picture of a body of water and a sailboat.

AJ pointed to one, "I like this one…"

I smiled, "She’s really good." When we finally got to the end of the book we found the photo that her mother had taken of Faith following me at the chapel. I smiled as I remembered her trailing me asking me about photography. I was never one to walk away from a conversation about photography, but especially when someone seemed as interested in it as Faith had. She’d soaked up the information and clearly used it to her advantage as she homed in on her talent. Knowing that I’d affected her life in such a positive way seemed to overflow my heart with good feelings and I sat there grinning like a fool.

The guys passed the album around the table taking a moment to look through it themselves and AJ looked at me, "What no tears?"

I smacked his arm, "No tears smart ass… just goose bumps"

Kevin smiled his proud big brother smile, "You’ve got your first real fan…"

~~~~~

"Hey, Kel?"

"Hmm?" I mumbled as I dug through my bag on a mission for a piece of paper that I couldn't find.

"What the hell are you looking for?" Nick chuckled as he stood in the doorway of my suite leaning against the doorframe watching me.

I stopped my search and plopped down on the couch and sighed looking up at Nick, "I wrote down a phone number on a piece of paper and I can't find it now."

"What did it look like?" he asked as he walked in the room.

"It was on a post-it, red ink..." I got up and started searching again by pulling the couch cushions up and looking under them. "I swear I had it like two minutes ago and now it's just fucking gone... I'd lose my damn head if it weren't attached to my body..."

Nick tapped me on the shoulder, "Kel?"

"What?" I asked turning around to face him.

"This what you're looking for?" he smiled as he held up a piece of paper.

I groaned and pulled it from his hand, "Where?"

"Stuck to your butt..." he laughed.

I rolled my eyes and sat down on the couch and put the post-it in my planner before I lost it again. "Today sucks..."

"Why?" he asked as he sat down next to me.

"Everything I've done today has just gone to shit. I dumped shampoo all over AJ's last clean shirt this morning, I tripped over his shoes in the bedroom and jammed my finger when I hit the ground..." I held up my hand for him to see my swollen and bruised finger. He took my hand gently and looked at the bruises while I spoke. "Then I accidentally ruined a whole roll a film by opening the camera before the film was rolled back up into its canister. I burnt my tongue on my coffee, and apparently for the past twenty minutes I've been searching for a post-it note that was stuck to my ass..."

Nick chuckled and opened his arms, "Come here..." He hugged me and I sighed and hugged him back. "Better?"

I nodded with a pout, "A little... but my hand hurts..."

"Did you ice it?"

"No..."

"Why not?"

"Because I like to whine..." I smiled. "And I was too pissed at myself when I did it that I wanted the punishment."

Nick shook his head, "You are crazy..." He got up to look in our fridge, "No ice... come on..." He grabbed my hand and dragged me across the hall to his room where he pulled ice out of his fridge and put it into a washcloth then carefully placed it on the top of my hand. He made a face as I flinched at the pain, "Sorry..."

"It's okay..." I smiled. "Thanks, kiddo..."

"No prob..." he shrugged. "So... whose phone number were you searching for so frantically?"

"Oh... that girl Faith."

"The one who sent you the book?"

"Yeah... I wanted to talk to her and thank her for the letter and the pictures..."

"That's cool..."

"I thought maybe if we get along over the phone that I'll have her fly out and join us for a few dates do that she can get a look into the life of a 'Tour Photographer.'"

"Oh yeah? That would be cool... How old is she?"

"She's your age I think... She was sixteen when I met her so that would make her twenty-one now cause she said that it's been five years."

"Cool..."

"Maybe she's single..." I smiled and winked at him.

"Don't even think about it, Kel..."

I laughed, "Okay we'll make a deal... I won't play matchmaker unless you see her and you ask me to. How's that?"

"Deal..." Nick smiled.

"Cool..."

"So... when you gunna call her?" Nick grinned.

I laughed and stood up, "Come on, Blondie... I'll call her now, but her number is in my suite."

"You sure it's not on your ass?" Nick giggled.

I glared at him over my shoulder and stuck my tongue out at him, "Bite me, Carter..."

"Nah... I think your day is already going bad enough..."

 

Forty-five

~ Grand Forks, ND… Concert # 19 ~

"Where the hell are we?" Brian sighed as he walked into our suite and plopped down on the couch.

"Minnesota…" Nick mumbled slightly glancing up from the video game that he was challenging me to.

I laughed, "North Dakota, dork… Minneapolis was yesterday."

"What?" Nick said looking at me. "Nut uh… we’re in Minneapolis."

I laughed again and took the lead in the game, "Nope. We’re in North Dakota… Grand Forks to be exact. Don’t you remember Howie’s corny joke last night about how the forks here must be grand?"

Brian laughed, "Oh yeah I remember that…"

"Damn… I totally missed a city? Where the hell was I?"

I finished the game and put my fists up in the air, "Yes! Finally I beat your ass!" Brian laughed and I giggled. "I dunno where you were, honey, but we’re in North Dakota today and then we’re off tomorrow and on Choir Boy’s birthday we’ll be in Denver followed by the Grammy’s in LA the next day.

"My girlfriend the walking appointment calendar…" AJ laughed as he walked into the room.

"Hey, sexy…" I smiled.

AJ sat down on the couch behind where I was sitting on the floor and kissed the top of my head, "Hey, gorgeous…"

"Hey, vomit…" Nick laughed. "Come on… Sexy and Gorgeous? Could you get a little more nauseating?"

"I bet they could…" Brian giggled.

I looked up at AJ and smiled, "Come here, Snookie-Ookums… I need some lovie wuvvies."

AJ laughed, "Anything you need, Pookie-Wookie…"

I kissed AJ and then grinned at Nick and shrugged, "You just make this harder on yourself you know…"

Nick smiled, "Yeah I know…"

"Dude I’m bored!" Brian whined from the couch and we all laughed.

"What do you wanna do?" I smiled.

"I don’t know, but this is boring. Kevin’s asleep as usual… Howie’s probably doing the same or is off on the phone somewhere, and you guys are playing video games. Come on… can’t we find something less predictable to do?"

I grabbed the phone book from the end table and started flipping through it. I giggled, "We could go to all of the Burger Kings in town and you could pretend you’re your super hero toys out to save the city from boredom."

Nick and AJ laughed while Brian just rolled his eyes and shook his head, "Next option…"

I shrugged and laughed, "I thought it was a good idea…" I looked through the book again and then looked up, "Wonder if their Dairy Queen is seasonal up here or open year round…"

"Probably seasonal…" Nick said.

"You are the only person who can think of ice cream in the dead of winter, Kel…" AJ laughed.

"Uh no I’m not…" I smiled as I flipped through the phone book. "Oooh they have a Ground Round here…" I looked up and the Boys to see confused faces, "Y’all don’t know what a Ground Round is?"

"I bet Howie the Cow Hurdling Man does…" Nick snorted.

I cracked up and snorted myself, "Leave Howie and his cattle alone… So no Ground Round… Hmm…" I kept flipping through the phone book. "Oh I’ve got it…" I grinned.

"What?" Brian asked.

"I’m not tellin’ come on. Get your ass up." I picked up the phone and called Marcus, "Hey it’s me… AJ, Brian, Nick and I are going out… get Billy and Raul? Thanks honey, yup we’re in my room." I turned around and found the three guys standing watching me and I laughed. "You guys are so cute… you look like you’re waiting for your mom to tell you to get in the car."

Brian laughed and grabbed my hand, "I get to sit by Mom in the car…"

Later that afternoon I was in tears laughing as Nick, AJ, Brian and I finally made it to the venue. "Dude you SO didn’t win that last one… face it."

"No!" Nick whined. "That little old lady cheated. She just got sick of me winning so she changed the number! I swear…"

Brian shook his head, "You’re such a poor loser. Blaming that sweet little old lady of cheating?"

"Sweet little old lady my ass…" AJ laughed. "I saw how she was looking at us. I believe you Nick, she cheated."

Kevin and Howie simply watched us and looked at each other waiting for a moment to jump into the conversation. "What the hell are you talking about? Where did you go?"

I chuckled and held up a receipt, "Bingo Palace, baby…"

Kevin laughed, "Bingo?"

"Yup… your cousin over there was being a whine ass wanting to do something ‘different’ so we went and played Bingo. We were doing quite well too until Nick decided that the little old lady next to him was cheating and we had to leave."

Brian and I laughed and Kevin soon joined us, "Nick, a little old lady?"

"She CHEATED!" Nick whined throwing his hands in the air.

"You that hard up for the money, Nicky?" Howie giggled. "How much were you playing for?"

Nick looked at the floor and pouted. I smiled at him, "Go on and tell, Carter… How much did the old bag cheat you out of?"

Nick mumbled his response too low for anyone to hear. "What?" Kevin asked.

I held back giggles as Nick sighed and then looked up at Kevin, "$17.82…"

Brian and I doubled over in laughter and Nick continued to pout. Kevin got up and walked over to Nick while reaching into his pocket, "Its, okay, Nick, I’m not gunna make fun of you."

"Thank you…" Nick smiled and then shot a look at me.

Kevin pulled out his wallet and pulled out a twenty, "Here man… you can keep the extra $2.18, knock yourself out…"

~~~~~

"Kel, have you seen my glasses?" AJ yelled through the suite as he was attempting to pack his things for our trip to Denver.

"Shhh!" I hushed him as I listened to my voice mail messages on my cell phone and wrote information down on a note pad.

"Why are you shushing me?" AJ called out loudly from the other room where he couldn’t see what I was doing.

I groaned as I missed a digit in a phone number and slammed the bathroom door shut and locked it so he couldn’t barge in and interrupt me. After finally getting the phone number after three attempts I ended the call and walked back out into the suite to see AJ standing there looking at me. "I was on the phone… sorry."

"Oh…" he said and turned around to put the tee shirt that was in his hand into his bag that was on the bed.

I sighed and picked up his glasses from the table and walked up to him and handed them to him, "Here, honey…"

"Thanks…"

"Hey…" I said quietly and waited for him to look at me. He did and I looked up at him, "I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just tired and don’t feel good this morning for some reason. You know I love you right?"

AJ cracked a smile which in turn made me smile and he nodded, "Yeah I do…"

"You love me?"

"Sure do…" AJ leaned down and placed a kiss on my lips gently. I smiled again and he pulled me into a hug.

I sighed as I held onto him and closed my eyes. "I hate flying when I’m sick…"

"I know… we all do. But it’s a short flight. And we’ve got all day and night to get you in bed resting before you have anything to do tomorrow afternoon."

I nodded and pulled away from AJ looking around the room. "Where did the pile of stuff I had on the floor go?"

AJ laughed, "I packed it for you so that I wouldn’t trip over it and you wouldn’t jam another finger."

I laughed and shook my head, "You’re learning… Thank you…"

"Anytime, baby… come on, let’s go to Denver so you can rest."

By the time we made it to Denver a few hours later I was miserable. Just the thought of movement let alone the smell of food made me nauseated. I was a whiny miserable mess. AJ threatened to carry me into the hotel when we the van pulled up because he said I looked so bad. But when I started crying because I was frustrated he gave up on arguing with me and instead just wrapped his arm around me and walked me into the building. Five minutes later I was sound asleep in our bed and he was sitting nearby in case I needed anything.

I woke up around midnight and rolled over to watch him watching television sitting next to me. He flipped the channel and I smiled when I heard the familiar sounds of the Cartoon Network. He looked down at me, "Hey…"

"Hi…" I croaked and cleared my throat.

"How are you feeling?"

"If I don’t move I don’t feel like I’m going to throw up…"

AJ reached out and put his hand on my forehead, "You’re not as hot anymore…"

I closed my eyes and nodded, "Yeah I don’t feel as hot…"

"You’ve been sleeping for like twelve hours non stop, I was starting to freak out. I even called Kevin."

I opened my eyes, "You called Kevin?"

"Yeah…"

"Oh, honey…" I smiled. Kevin had flown to Los Angeles after the Grand Forks concert to spend his off day with Kristen instead of flying to Denver with us. He was planning on flying in to Denver the morning of the concert.

"I didn’t know if you should sleep that much with a fever…"

"I’m okay, honey…"

"Well we didn’t know, so we called Kevin. Kevin said you were probably fine, but we..."

"We?" I interrupted.

AJ smiled and motioned toward the floor on my side of the bed. I rolled over carefully and looked over the edge. Brian, Nick and Howie were all camped out on the floor sleeping on hotel blankets and pillows. I smiled and put my head down on the bed watching the guys sleep. AJ leaned over me to look at them and bent down to kiss my cheek, "We kind of freak out when it’s you that gets sick cause you’re usually the one to take care of us when we’re sick…"

I chuckled and pushed myself up off of the bed and sat up against the headboard. "Honey, I’m fine… but I’m flattered that you guys were so concerned about….oh shit…"

"What?"

I pushed AJ out of the way and ran to the bathroom just in time to throw up into the toilet. My body trembled and tears streamed down my cheeks as I flushed the toilet and fell back against the wall sitting on the floor. I closed my eyes and sighed, "God…"

AJ brushed the tears from my cheeks and I opened my eyes to look at him. He looked really worried, "You’re not okay…"

I forced a smile, "Just the flu, honey… I’m…" As if on cue I threw up again and rested my head on the toilet seat afterward taking a deep breath. "I’m fine…" I whispered.

"Bullshit, I’m calling my mom…" AJ sighed and grabbed his cell phone from the pocket in his pajamas and began dialing. I didn’t have the strength to fight him and instead lay down on the floor of the bathroom pressing my face to the coolness of the tiled floor. AJ’s fingers carefully ran through my hair as he mumbled to the phone urging his mom to pick up the phone.

Meanwhile Nick peeked into the bathroom, "You guys okay?"

"She’s throwing up now…" AJ said over his shoulder. "Mom? Hey I need your help… Yeah I’m fine but Kel’s sick and none of us know what to do with her. Kevin said she’s probably okay but she just doesn’t look good mom and I don’t… what? Okay…" AJ held the phone out to me, "She wants to talk to you…"

I weakly reached out for the phone and put it to my ear, "Hi, Mama…"

"Sweetie what’s wrong? AJ’s freaking out…"

"I know… I think it’s the flu."

"Have you eaten anything today?"

"Not since the airport this morning."

"Well you need to eat. Are you vomiting?"

"Twice…"

"Drinking fluids?"

"Not yet. I’ve been sleeping all day."

"Fever?"

"AJ says it’s better…"

"Okay, honey… I want you to get back into bed, get some fluids in you. And have the boys get you some crackers or bread and when you feel like you can keep them down, eat a little at a time okay? And if you aren’t feeling better by tomorrow afternoon, go see a doctor…"

"Okay…" I said quietly and then felt it happening again. "Fuck…" I sat up and threw up again dropping the phone to the floor.

Nick picked up the phone while AJ was rubbing my back for me because I could hear him taking directions from Denise. I leaned against AJ for several minutes in silence and he ran his hand over my back slowly. Nick finished talking to Denise and then hung up and relayed her directions to AJ.

I must have fallen asleep shortly after that because the next thing I knew it was morning and I woke alone in bed with the faint sounds of Scooby Doo coming from the other room and the smell of breakfast heading from the same direction. I stayed still for a moment wondering if I was going to get sick again and when I didn’t feel woozy I sat up. I looked on the floor and sure enough, Howie was still asleep, but Brian and Nick were gone. I got up and slowly made my way into the other room. "I need water…" I said quietly as I sat down between AJ and Nick on the couch. They both practically sprung off of the couch running into one another to get me water and I couldn’t help but chuckle at them. They came back to the couch, each of them holding a bottle of water and I took one. "Thank you…"

"You hungry? Mom said you could eat crackers…" AJ said quietly.

I shook my head, "Not yet, honey… I’m just thirsty." I yawned and looked at Nick, "How many times did he call Mom?"

"Just three…" he smiled.

I smiled and leaned my head on AJ’s shoulder. "I really do feel better this time…"

"You better, cause I can’t take having you sick like this…"

"Did you two sleep at all?"

"Not really…"

"Oh great… so when you guys suck tonight cause you’re so tired the fans can blame me right?" I laughed.

"We’ll be fine…" Nick laughed. "We just want you to be okay."

Brian walked into the room from the hall carrying coffee, "Ooh she lives!"

I smiled, "Hi, honey… Happy Birthday"

He smiled, "Thank you… Feeling better?"

I nodded, "Yeah…"

Brian handed a coffee to Nick and AJ then sat on the floor sipping his own cup, "I assume you don’t want coffee right?"

I nodded again and smiled, "Right…"

"So I have to ask…" Brian smiled. I raised an eyebrow waiting for him to ask his question and he laughed. "You pregnant?"

AJ began to choke on his juice and sat up coughing. I turned to him and rubbed his back as he caught his breath, "You okay?" He nodded and mumbled a yes and I looked at Brian with a glare, "No I’m not pregnant. Geesh scare the hell out of AJ why don’t you?"

"Hey I’m just asking… you were all pukey and emotional yesterday and stuff… with the way you two are always at it, I had to wonder…"

"That’s true…" Nick said. "I admit I thought the same thing when you burst into tears yesterday over AJ saying he wanted to carry you into the hotel. You never cry that easily."

I looked at AJ and he was looking a little pale. I put my hand on his, "I’m not pregnant… trust me."

He nodded, "Okay…"

"Brian… see what you did?"

Brian chuckled, "Looks like he’s going to start hurling now instead of you…"

I looked at Nick, "Smack him for me why don’t you?" Nick reached out and smacked Brian in the head and laughed. "Thank you…"

"Anytime…" Nick smiled as Brian rubbed his head.

"I’m not pregnant…" I said again to clarify it not only to the guys but also to myself. "I know I’m not."

 

Forty-six

~ Vancouver, BC… Concert # 21 ~

By the end of that week we’d flown from Denver to Los Angeles for a day and a half, then found ourselves on another plane flying to Canada. I wasn’t nearly as sick as I’d been in Denver, but the extraordinarily hectic schedule of that week with all of the extra air travel wasn’t helping. I continued to have bouts of nausea although thankfully I’d stopped throwing up.

My lack of vomit however didn’t stop everyone from teasing me about the fact that they thought I was pregnant. At first it was okay, even a little bit funny… but after a day or two it was just tiring. Everywhere I turned someone was asking me how I was feeling and if I was honest and told them that I wasn’t feeling great they’d make smart ass cracks about morning sickness. Someone even went as far as to buy me a pregnancy test and leave it with my mail. That was the straw that broke this camel’s back.

"Oh for Christ’s sake…" I sighed as I opened the manila envelope which contained an EPT home pregnancy test with a note on it.

"What’s wrong?" Kevin asked as he fiddled around on the Internet on my laptop while I opened my mail.

I opened the note that was taped to the test and shook my head reading the note aloud, "’Just take it and settle the bet…’ Who the fuck did this?"

Kevin looked up from my laptop with a concerned look, "Settle the bet? What is it?"

I threw the test across the table at him and he caught it before it fell off of the edge. "I’m NOT pregnant…" I got up and walked to the window looking out over the city with tears in my eyes. "Why can’t they just leave me alone?"

Kevin got up from his seat and stood behind me running his hands over my arms and resting his chin on the top of my head for a moment. He waited until I turned around and hugged him before he spoke again, "I’m not saying it’s right… but you do understand why they all think you’re pregnant don’t you?"

"Of course I do but you’d think they’d trust me. I’m not pregnant… I’ve been telling them that all week, but no one will drop it." I pulled away from Kevin and walked to the couch and sat down with a sigh.

He followed me and sat down next to me. He was looking at me even though I wasn’t looking at him. "How are you feeling today?"

"I feel like shit, Kevin… but I’m not fucking pregnant."

"Are you sure? Or are you just saying that because you don’t want it to be true?"

I closed my eyes as tears spilled out of them streaming down my cheeks. I took a deep breath and shook my head, "You don’t understand…"

He reached out and put his hand on my knee, "Then help me understand."

I tipped my head up to the ceiling trying to stop crying enough to talk and I wiped angrily at my tears. "I can’t…" I looked at Kevin and shook my head, "I can’t have kids.  So, I’m not… Okay? I’m not…"

"Damn…" he pulled me into a tight hug.  "I’m so sorry… I didn’t… Jesus so all of the jokes this week that people have been making must have… oh, honey…"

I sat there feeling comfort in Kevin’s arms for a while just letting him hold me. Neither of us spoke, and I thought about everything until I felt like I could talk about it without sobbing all the way through. I sat up and looked at Kevin and touched his cheek, "Stop looking at me like that… I’m okay…" I smiled. He had that look of "I’ve got to take care of her" on his face. He smiled slightly and nodded. "I found out when I was pretty young. I kept getting really sick and they realized I had this problem which basically makes it nearly impossible to get pregnant. They literally told me, ‘Don’t plan on having kids. Your chances are pretty much none…’ If I ever were to get pregnant on some whim, I most likely would have a miscarriage early on. It was hard at first. I mean I was like 18 or 19 when I found out. That’s when I started my reckless sleeping around. It was kind of like well shit, I’m not going to get pregnant so why not?" I shrugged and shook my head, "Of course it was still a stupid thing to do and I’m lucky I never got struck with HIV… but eventually I came to terms with it. I realized that I just wasn’t going to have kids naturally. If I was meant to be a mom I’d either hook up with a guy who already had kids, or adopt or something. I really was okay with it. But, Kev…" I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "This week… with everyone joking around about me having AJ’s child… I just realized that it’s never going to happen. I’m never going to have his child. Even if we’re together for the rest of our lives, I can never give him that. For the first time in my life I’m with someone who I can actually see myself having kids with, and I can’t do it…" I was crying again and closed my eyes shaking my head. "I just want people to stop saying it… I can forget it if they don’t say it."

"Does he know?"

I nodded, "Yeah but I guess he forgot… he was the first person I told about it. But it was when you guys were just getting into all of the big stuff. He had so much else to deal with. I mean, he was there for me by all means… but I don’t know. Just the way he’s been talking this week and responding to the jokes, he acts like he forgot. Like he really is afraid that I’m pregnant. Or maybe it’s that he does remember and he’s upset because he knows that it’s not possible that I am. I don’t know. He won’t talk to me about it."

"You’ve tried?"

"Kind of… I try to and he cuts me off saying how I look tired and need to rest." I shrugged, "I usually am tired and feel like hell anyway so I just drop it and go to sleep. We’ve never gotten past ‘Honey I wanted to talk to you…’"

"Well you know you need to talk to him right?"

"Yeah… of course I do."

"But…"

"But I don’t know… it just seems so weird. Before AJ and I were a couple, I would have automatically gone to you or him with a problem. And in the past year I’ve gone to him more because you were busy getting married and stuff… But now that he’s my ‘boyfriend’ it’s almost like I’m afraid to go to him. It doesn’t make any sense. I automatically go to you or Nick now. I mean sure, if it’s a problem with AJ it kind of makes sense for me to go to one of you two first to vent instead of going to him, but I’m sitting here crying to you about not being able to have AJ’s kid. I should be talking to him."

"Why aren’t you?"

I shrugged and shook my head as sat back against the couch and looked across the room. "I really don’t know… I still feel comfortable talking to him, it’s just getting it started which seems hard to do now for some reason. Once we get to talking it’s like old habit and we’re fine. But I don’t just open up and whine to him anymore. I wait until it’s huge and out of control and I have to talk to him." I stopped and thought about what I’d said then looked at Kevin and sat up. "Oh god…"

"What?"

"I just figured it out… Oh, Kevin…" I whined.

He laughed, "What?"

"No…" I sighed. "I’m acting like a girl…"

Kevin laughed and shook his head, "Explain…"

I sighed yet again, "I don’t whine to him on a daily basis anymore.  Kevin you know how much I love to whine… I haven’t been whining to him because I don’t want him to think less of me. I want him to keep loving me and being in love with me… being my boyfriend." I shook my head and groaned, "God I’m an idiot! He fell in love with me… with his best friend. Whining and all. That’s who he wanted. Not this version of me who can’t open her damn mouth and talk to him anymore. Not some girl who censors herself to keep him ‘happy.’" I shook my head, "Kevin! Why didn’t you tell me?"

Kevin was finding great amusement in my rambling and I smacked him in the arm, "I’m sorry… but you’re hilarious."

"You’re fucking supposed to tell me when I start acting like a girl! God!" I smacked him in the arm again and stood up.

"Where are you going?"

I sighed and picked up my key card, my cell phone and my camera, "I’m going to find my boyfriend and turn him into my best friend again…"

 

Forty-seven

"Kel?"

"Yeah, baby?" I asked as I flipped through a stack of photographs that I’d been ignoring during the time that I was sick. We were one hour into the three and a half hour bus ride from Vancouver to Washington.

"I’m bored…" AJ sighed.

I chuckled, "I offered to let you help me do this…"

"I don’t want to do that…" he sighed.

"Then play a video game…"

"Don’t wanna…"

"Eat?"

"Not hungry…"

"Talk to someone on the CB?"

"Nut uh…"

"Watch a movie…"

"I’ve seen them all… twice…"

I giggled and kept looking through my photos, "Write a song…"

"No…"

"A poem… ‘Ode to boredom on a big shinny bus…’"

"Kel…"

I looked up at him and smiled, "Honey… I don’t know what to tell you. I know you’re bored. But there’s only so much you can do on a bus…"

AJ pouted and looked at the floor for a moment and then looked at me, "Can’t you stop working?"

I smiled and chuckled, "Is that what you were getting at all of this time?" AJ shrugged, "If you wanted to spend time with me you should have just said so…" I set the pictures down in a box and then got up and climbed onto the couch that AJ was sitting on. I straddled his waist facing him and kissed him softly.

"I knew you had a lot to do because you were sick… I didn’t want to put you further behind, but I miss you."

I smiled as his hands ran up my legs and circled around my waist. I could feel his fingers rubbing the fabric of my tee shirt between his fingers at the small of my back. I held his face in my hands and looked into his eyes, "Crazy week huh?"

"Yeah…"

"Actually crazy couple of weeks…" I laughed remembering that just the week before had brought us the Chicago incident. AJ smiled and nodded before wrapping his arms tighter around my body and pressing his cheek to my chest. I closed my eyes and ran my fingers through his hair slowly. The bus rocked us slowly and AJ began kissing my chest where my shirt dipped to a V. I sighed at the sensation, it had been a while since I’d felt up to much of anything, let alone being physical with him, but having his mouth on me again felt fantastic. "Age…" I whispered and he looked up to me.

I bent my head down and kissed his lips gently before sliding my tongue into his mouth eagerly. As we kissed his hands slid underneath my tee shirt and he squeezed my breasts. I moaned quietly into his mouth and rotated my hips against his wanting to be closer to him. AJ broke the kiss and pulled my shirt over my head tossing it to the other end of the couch grinning up at me. His grin sent shivers through my body and I watched breathless as his beautiful fingers traced their way over my skin moving back up to my breasts slowly. "I’ve missed your skin…" he said quietly. He unhooked my bra and pushed it to the floor easily. I looked up quickly to make sure that the shades on the windows of the bus we closed and we weren’t sitting in direct view of the bus driver’s mirror then looked back to AJ as he continued. He kissed along the tops of my breasts while holding them in his warm hands massaging them from beneath. He moved on to suck each of my nipples into his mouth one at a time as his tongue danced over them slowly and then he looked back up at me, "I’ve missed your breasts…"

I was losing my mind, and my body was on fire, "Baby, I…"

AJ shook his head, "Shh…" He smiled again and moved me onto my back on the couch as he hovered above my body. He pulled my flannel pajama bottoms down my body along with my underwear leaving me naked waiting for him to touch me again.

I closed my eyes as he dipped his head down and kissed the inside of my thighs, "Oh, Jesus…"

His nose grazed the sensitive strip of skin where my leg met my body and I shuddered with a sigh, "I’ve missed your smell…" he said quietly, his warm breath trailing over my heated center.  “I’ve also missed your taste…" he said before sliding his tongue between my folds lapping at my clit slowly. My eyes rolled back into my head and I tried my best to keep quiet but it became increasingly hard as AJ added his hands roaming over my skin to the sweet torture that he was showing me with his mouth.

"Fuck, AJ…" I cried out quietly as my hands held his shoulders and my nails threatened to dig through the thin fabric of his shirt. "Please…" I threw my head back and arched my back as I felt tingling beginning to surge through my body. I began to push at his shoulders signaling for him to stop and soon he picked his head up and looked up my body toward me. "Please…"

Within seconds AJ had his pants down and had buried himself inside of me filling the void I’d had all week while I was sick. There was no way possible the bus driver didn’t hear the sounds we made when that happened. My legs were wrapped around AJ’s body and I pleaded with him to move faster… harder. He graciously listened and pushed us both quickly to a much-needed release after which he collapsed against my body with his head buried against my neck.

Panting, I ran my hands over his back and sighed, "God, I love you…"

AJ chuckled and lifted his head to look into my eyes, "I’ve missed that too…"

~~~~~

"Someone got laid…" Brian laughed as he ran into me riding piggyback on AJ through the halls of the hotel in Washington.

I laughed and nodded, "Several times huh, Age?"

"Yup…" he laughed as Brian groaned.

"What? You brought it up! If you didn’t want to know you should have kept your mouth shut…"

"She’s got a point there…"AJ laughed.

"Where ya headed, Choir Boy?"

"Coke machine… I need caffeine."

"Oh, god…" AJ and I said in unison and giggled.

"Bite me…" Brian laughed as he waved us off and kept on down the hall.

"Come to our room and I’ll bite you all you want, sweet ass…" I yelled with a giggle just as Nick was stepping out of his room.

"Uh okay I totally walked out at a bad moment…" he smiled.  "What the hell are you two doing?"

"Teasing Brian…" we laughed once again in unison.

Nick chuckled, "Cool… you going out tonight?"

AJ looked up at me, "Are we?"

I shrugged, "I dunno… are we?"

AJ looked at Nick, "Are you?"

"Yeah… Brian’s complaining about being bored again so I guess there’s a bar nearby where there’s dancing, pool and shit…"

"What about Kev and D?"

"They’re coming too…"

"And no one told us?" I teased. "You guys don’t want us around do you?"

"I was coming to find you and ask you… tried calling and you weren’t there cause you were riding AJ and teasing Brian…" Nick laughed.

"Oh, okay then!" I laughed. "You wanna go, Age?"

"Sure…"

I nodded, "It’s a date, Nickers…"

"Cool… 9:00," Nick smiled.

"Oooh that gives us two hours… what ever will we do?"

"Sounds like quality AJ and KJ sex time to me…" AJ laughed.

I snorted and wiggled around on AJ’s back, "Yee haa!"

Nick laughed and shook his head, "I’m taking a nap… try to keep it quiet, this place has thin walls you know…"

"Aww… you mean I can’t scream ‘Ride me baby ride me!’ really loud?" AJ giggled.

Nick shook his head unable to hold back his laughter, "No… and from now on… no screwing on bus rides, you two get WAY too goofy after sex…"

I cracked up and grinned really big, "Well just imagine how goofy we’re gunna be later tonight after two more hours of sex…"

"Yeah, baby…" AJ giggled and I made goofy faces at Nick as we made our way to our door.

"Hey, Nicky?" I called out, as we were about to step into the suite.

"Yeah?" he smiled.

"If we get too loud?"

"Yeah?"

"Cover your ears baby cause we’re not gunna quiet down…" I laughed and AJ ran me into the room with a cackle and slammed the door before attacking me.

 

 

 

Forty-eight

~ Oakland, CA, Day 1… Concert #25 ~

I was standing in a buffet breakfast line in the venue loading fruit onto my plate while balancing it on top of my coffee cup in one hand. We’d had to be at the venue early that day for a press conference and fan conference, so feeding us for getting us up so damn early was part of the deal. Nick walked up to me and giggled, "I see you’ve got your appetite back finally…"

I smiled and nodded while focusing on balancing a strawberry on my plate without disturbing the balance of the plate, "Yuh huh…"

"That’s cool..." Nick smiled and stole my strawberry popping it into his mouth.

"Damn it, Nick!" I groaned. "Fine, you hold the plate then…" I shoved the plate into his hands, "You’re such a shit…"

"I know…" he grinned.  "But we didn’t get to have breakfast this week… so I haven’t shared your food with you in a while."

"Nick, you always share my food…" I smiled putting more food on the plate.

"Oh yeah…" he laughed.

I shook my head and held up a small box of corn pops, "Yes?"

"Yup…"

"Okay. Here, take my coffee and the plate…" I said handing him my cup. "And I’ll bring the cereal and get you your juice."

"Cool… where’re you sitting?"

"Over by the window…"

Nick looked around the room, "Who’s that chick?"

I poured the milk into one bowl and then emptied another box of cereal into the second bowl, "The blonde by my stuff?"

"Yeah…"

"That’s Faith. She got here during the press conference."

Nick groaned, "Another spend a day with a fan thing? God… I thought we were done with those…"

I smiled, "No, honey… Faith. The girl who sent me her pictures…"

I glanced up at Nick and could see his wheels turning, "Oh! The New York girl? The wedding…"

"Yup."

"Oh cool…" he said looking in her direction. "How long is she here for?"

"Til I get sick of her and send her away…" I laughed.

"No really…"

"Really. She’s in between freelance projects so unless she turns out to drive me nuts or something I’m keeping her for a while."

Nick laughed, "You act like she’s a puppy…"

I smiled, "Nah… just another kid to take under my Mama Kel wing…"

~~~~~

"You must never get bored with those guys around…" Faith smiled as we sat in a dressing room recovering from a surprise silly string attack courtesy of Brian, Nick and AJ.

I laughed pulling pieces of string out of my hair, "Well it’s rare… but every now and then boredom strikes. There’s only so much you can do in certain hotels and on the busses, so we get creative. It helps that we all know each other so well…"

"Yeah I’m sure it does… they really seem like great guys."

I smiled a proud smile, "Yeah they’re my boys… gotta love them."

"Is it hard though? All the fans wanting to be where you are and being jealous of you?"

I sat down on the couch next to Faith and pulled my picture envelopes back into my lap, "Well sometimes. I’ve been lucky actually; I haven’t encountered that much negative response yet. I mean, it’s always there… but I think it helps that I’m nice to the fans and I truly do understand why they’re jealous. I mean, if I were a fan and saw what a great group of guys they are, I’d want to be friends with them too. It’s only natural to want that. So I don’t ever look down on the fans, and the good fans see that and respect that."

Faith nodded, "That’s cool…"

"Yeah. Plus I’ve been around longer than some of the guys have… so that helps. I have a whole lot of history with them…"

"Do you ever get sick of each other on tour? Being stuck together so much?"

"Are you kidding me?" I laughed. "Of course we do… Just last night I was so sick of Brian being obnoxious that I threw a book at him. And it wasn’t a soft cover book. I literally hurled a hard cover novel at him, nearly knocked him in the head." I laughed, "Then he apologized to me for being such an ass and I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him. We do that though… we have our moments, we fight, and then we make up and go play video games or something…"

Faith smiled, "Sounds like me and my older brothers…"

"Exactly. Until AJ and I hooked up this year, he was my little brother, and I still protect him like he is… I do that with all of the guys. Even Kevin and Howie although they’re technically my big brothers. We love each other too much to really hurt one another."

Faith thumbed through a stack of pictures that had been shipped to me after developing and sighed, "You’re so good…"

"Oh hush…" I laughed. "Thank you…"

"You’re welcome… Although I’m beginning to think that I suck…"

I chuckled, "Don’t say that… you had some great stuff that you sent to me."

"Thanks, but it’s nothing compared to…"

"Don’t compare… that’s the worst thing you can do to yourself, especially as an artist. Each of us has our strong points and you have to focus on those. There are certain types of pictures that I still struggle to get right, but what matters is that for one, I still try… and two, I focus on the kinds that I know I take well. You can do the same…"

Faith smiled shyly and looked back down to the pictures she was holding, "Okay…"

I smiled as I looked back to my own stack of photos. Faith was a cute kid. Of course, she wasn’t exactly much of a "kid" but I still called her that. She was actually the same age as Nick, as we’d figured earlier, and was turning out to be great company. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed girl conversations. I loved my boys, and always loved hanging out with guys even before I met My Boys, but there’s something comforting about hanging out with a woman sometimes. It’s not like I could talk about PMS and tampons to Kevin… although if I really wanted to I know he’d listen.

The part that worried me about Faith though was that she was cute. The boys all flirted with me and knew that even before I was with AJ, I was pretty much off limits. But Faith was cute, and single which was a dangerous combination when left with single attractive superstars.

"Finally!" I laughed as I opened a package of pictures.

Faith smiled, "What?"

"Oh… I had this idea a few weeks ago to give the Boys homework to keep them busy. Every so often I give them disposables and they run around taking pictures on their own. I’ve been waiting for them to finally develop their first attempts so that I could see them."

I opened the first set and began looking through them, "But how do you know which one belongs to who?"

"The last picture of the roll has to be a self portrait so that I know who it is…" I giggled. The first stack of pictures was humorous to say the least. I was pretty sure I knew who had taken the pictures by the amount of thumbs in the pictures. I laughed and held up a picture, "Now see, this one would have been good if he hadn’t cut it off with his thumb. He’s trying…" When we got to the self portrait I laughed so hard that tears fell out of my eyes. "Oh god…"

"Who is that?"

I laughed, "Howie… I can tell by the forehead… and I was pretty sure those were his thumbs…" The next stack of pictures was better, but not much. "Geesh… haven’t they listened to anything I’ve taught them about photography?"

"Apparently not…" Faith giggled as we looked through a stack of blurry pictures caused by too much moving around while taking the picture.

"I bet you five bucks these are Brian’s… he had coffee that morning…"

"I trust you…" she laughed.

I flipped the last picture up and sure enough it was a self-portrait of Brian. Except it was aimed at his chest instead of his head and was a perfect picture of his UK tee shirt. "Now this is actually a good one…" I smiled. "Very nice Brian…" I knew right away that the next pile belonged to AJ. He’d been around me enough to pick up and retain a few key photo-taking techniques.

"Who took those?"

"AJ… totally…" I smiled looking at assorted pictures of neon signs in the venue in Chicago. He’d used different angles and heights while taking each picture. The pictures that he’d taken of Nick when I’d called him that afternoon to talk to the fan outside was Nick climbing around on the stage hanging off, and sometimes falling off of surfaces. He’d actually gotten some good action shots of Nick in mid air jumping off of things. Then his self-portrait was of his hand, palm up with the words "I love you" written on it.

"Aww…" Faith smiled.

I grinned and blushed before opening the next pack of pictures. I cracked up looking at them, "Kevin…" I said to Faith. The pictures were all of various feet. AJ’s feet, my feet in my cow slippers, feet in the elevator, feet that I didn’t recognize, and then the self portrait of course was a picture of his feet looking down his body as he lay on the bed in the hotel. "Which leaves Nickers…" I smiled opening Nick’s pictures.

Faith took the words right out of my mouth as I flipped through the photos, "Wow…"

I nodded silently and looked closely at the pictures. They were great. Not a single picture of Nick’s had turned out bad. The first few pictures were of AJ taking his own pictures. He’d managed to get a look of deep thought caught on AJ’s face while he looked up at a sign. Then he took some great head shots of AJ making goofy faces, then just smiling. Nick captured Howie asleep in the dressing room with his head resting on his hand, he got Kevin rehearsing a dance step with a dancer, and Brian hugging a little boy who was a fan. The picture that caught my heart in my throat though was a picture that he’d taken of me sleeping cuddled up in the bus with AJ. Then finally Nick’s self portrait was taken by aiming his camera up at the mirrored ceiling of his tour bus. The statement on his face was one I’d seen on him too many times... sadness. I stared at the picture silently for a while until Faith spoke up again.

"He must take pictures a lot huh?"

I shrugged, "I don’t know if he still does. When he was younger I used to give him pointers. He was always really good at it though…"

"Natural talent…" Faith said quietly looking through the rest of Nick’s pictures again.

I nodded looking at Nick’s self portrait again, something about it was drawing me in. "Yeah… he’s a talented guy…"

"Seems nice too… he was funny at breakfast."

I smiled and put the picture away, "Nicky’s a good one. He’s cool…"

"Cute too," Faith grinned.

I chuckled and nodded, "Definitely…"

"You two seem close…"

I looked at Faith not quite knowing what her statement was implying, if anything. "We are. Very…"

Faith smiled and nodded, "That’s cool…"

I smiled back at her and started packing up the pictures we’d been looking through, "So how about we go snap some pictures before the guys start getting ready for the concert?"

"Sounds good…" Faith said as she stood up and grabbed her camera as I grabbed mine. "I do have one question though…"

"Go for it…" I smiled as we walked out of the dressing room.

"So Nick… he’s single right?"

 

Forty-nine

~ Oakland, CA… Day two… Concert # 26 ~

I hung up my cell phone and sighed as I sat down next to AJ. He smiled, "What happened now?"

"My cousin is getting married…" I groaned.

"Which one?"

"Cindy…"

"Isn’t she twelve?" AJ laughed.

"Just about… she’s nineteen."

"Pregnant?"

"Swears she’s not, but I wouldn’t doubt it. They’re rushing. The wedding is in a few weeks."

"Wow…"

"I know…" I sighed as I ran my fingers through my curls. "I, of course, was offered by my mother to take the pictures. Nice of her to ask huh?" I buried my face in my hands with a sigh and groaned.

"Are you going to do it?"

"Of course I am… If I don’t I’ll be written off yet again as the daughter who is irresponsible and doesn’t care about anyone but herself."

"So you miss a few dates of the tour… no big deal…" AJ said as he put a hand on my knee.

"Yeah I guess… It’s the weekend of the San Diego concerts. Then we’re on break for the rest of that week until Mexico City on the weekend. So I should be able to meet back up with you in time to fly down to Mexico."

"See? Everything will work out just fine…"

"I hope so…"

~~~~~

I sat nursing an iced coffee later that afternoon as I watched the guys messing around on stage during rehearsals. AJ was bouncing around with his normal amount of endless energy taunting the dancers, Howie was talking to Brian, and Nick was chasing Faith around trying to tickle her. Kevin sat down next to me and nudged me, "Hey, kid…"

"Hey…"

"You’re pretty quiet today… wanna talk?" I shrugged and kept my eyes on the stage. "Something happen?" I shrugged again and took a long drink. "Want me to shut up?"

I hesitated for a moment and then looked at Kevin, "No…"

I looked back at the stage and he leaned back in his seat wrapping an arm around my shoulders, "AJ told me about the wedding…" I nodded. "You and your parents still having trouble getting along?"

I laughed wryly and shook my head, "Having trouble… that makes it sound like we ever did get along."

"Didn’t you? I seem to remember you getting along okay."

"That was an act. They didn’t know you then, so they wanted you to think we were a perfect family. They wanted to impress you in case you were a potential son in law."

I could see Kevin nod out of the corner of my eye, "I see…"

I shrugged, "I shouldn’t let it bug me as much as I do. But it still fucks with me you know? You wouldn’t know though would you? Your parents actually love you…"

"Oh, Kel…"

"AJ doesn’t get it either. Even with his dad being the fuck up that he is.., Age just doesn’t get it. He just says, ‘It’ll be okay…’ Well you know what, Kev? It’s not okay. It’s not okay when your parents don’t give a rat’s ass about you. He should know that… I know he’s got Denise… and god he’s so lucky to have her. But he should at least understand because of Robert… I suppose he does understand but he’s not ready or willing to deal with it…"

"That could be… have you talked about it with him?"

"Til I’m blue in the face…" I sighed. "It’s one of the only things I can’t talk to him about. He figures that because my parents are still married that it’s okay. That I’m blowing it all out of proportion or something… I’m ‘too hard’ on them…"

"Sounds like he’s not ready…"

"Yeah… well…" I said with a shrug.

"What else is on your mind?" Kevin nudged carefully.

"The blonde on stage…"

"There’s three blondes on stage… which one?"

"The female one…"

"Hmm…"

"What’s that mean?"

"I haven’t made my opinion on her yet."

I looked at Kevin, "Talk…"

Kevin sighed, "Something about her doesn’t sit right with me. I haven’t figured it out yet."

I shook my head and looked up at the roof of the venue, "Finally…"

"Finally, what?"

"Yet another thing that AJ thinks I’m overreacting to. ‘She’s a nice kid, Kel, leave her alone…’"

"Well sure she’s nice, but there’s something else there. She like…" Kevin paused and thought about what he was going to say. I meanwhile looked at the lights in the ceiling of the arena and wondered who changed them and how. "It’s like she’s not a fan… doesn’t know anything about us… but then I catch hints of recognition when we talk about old music of ours or videos. I just wonder how much she really knows about us and how much of this is an act."

I nodded and turned my head to look at Kevin, "She seems really fake at times… I can’t figure out though if it’s her being sneaky, or if she’s just doing that girlie flirt thing with Nick. You know that, ‘I’m a girl and everything you say makes me giggle like a fool and is just so… cute!’" I rolled my eyes again and Kevin laughed.

"I’m so glad you don’t like being a ‘girl’… cause you know… if you acted like that, you and I never would have gotten so close."

I chuckled and nodded, "Yeah… and I probably would have ended up in bed with you a lot sooner…"

"I do not fuck girlie girls!"

"Not anymore you don’t… but you did."

"Bullshit…"

"Bullshit my ass!" I laughed. "You were horrible… you had no standards aside from female and breathing… Thank god you found Kristen!"

He laughed and shook his head, "Whatever… we digress…"

I looked back up to the stage to where Nick had tackled Faith to the floor and was teasing her and holding her down, "Yeah…"

"So how do we find out what her deal is?"

I smiled a mischievous smile and looked at Kevin, "I say we get her drunk…"

 

 

 

Fifty

"Okay my turn!" Kevin smiled as he held his shot glass up. "I have never given a blow job…"

All of us laughed and I glared at him, "That’s not fair, Kevin…"

"Why not?" he grinned.

"Never mind…" I laughed and looked at Faith. "So… they all know I have to take a shot at that one… you joining me?"

Faith blushed and held her shot glass out in front of her, "Fill me up…"

I laughed and then Faith and I did our shots, I took mine like a pro… she took hers like an amateur. I looked at Kevin and grinned, just as we’d figured, Faith was a lightweight. I interrupted the friendly banter going on in the room, "I’ve got one… I’ve never bought a Backstreet CD, album or cassette…"

"Bullshit…" Nick laughed.

"Nut uh… AJ’s always given them to me, never once have I had to buy one…" I stuck my tongue out at Nick and he smiled doing the same at me.

"That leaves you, Faith…" Kevin smiled. "Shot or no shot?"

Faith looked around the room nervously and smiled, "Fine, you found me out… shot…" She held her glass out. "Although I swear we’re going to have to end this game soon. I can’t drink like you all do."

I winked at her, "That’s the whole point of the game, girlie…" I stood up and walked into the kitchen area of Kevin’s suite and put a bag of popcorn in the microwave. I heard someone behind me and turned around, "Oh hey, honey…" I smiled looking at AJ.

"Why are you picking on her?"

"What?" I asked as my eyes narrowed.

"You and Kevin… why are you picking on Faith?"

"We’re not picking on her, AJ, we’re just playing a game."

"Bullshit…"

"Whatever…" I sighed as I turned around facing the microwave.

"She’s here because of you… don’t forget that. You brought her here. It’s not her fault you don’t like her."

I spun around and looked up into AJ’s eyes, "No one said I didn’t like her. And you don’t have to remind me who brought her here. It’s a game, AJ. We’ve played it countless times before with plenty of other people. Maybe I should be asking why you feel it necessary to protect her all of a sudden?"

"I don’t…" AJ said and shook his head looking away from me.

The microwave beeped and I turned around grabbing the hot bag carefully before turning back around to face AJ. He was shifting his weight from one foot to another and wouldn’t look at me. I sighed, "What?"

He shook his head, "I don’t know… you just seem…"

"Seem what?" I asked in an agitated tone.

"So different…" he said quietly.  "You were okay just a few days ago… but I don’t know…"

"I’m still the same person."

"You bit my head off earlier today because I wouldn’t side with you about your parents…"

I shook my head, "Why do you insist on defending them? After everything you’ve seen them do to me over the years, why the hell do you still support them? Of course I bit your head off… they practically fucking hate me!  And you act like it’s all in my head, like I caused it all myself. I’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t hurt me when you do that."

"You have a family, Kellie… and you don’t even try…"

"I don’t even try?" I yelled flinging the bag of popcorn around. "I don’t even try? Christ, AJ! I don’t try! You try being me just for once! You try having parents who don’t ever approve of anything you do!"

"But maybe if you tried harder they…"

"You want to know something?" I interrupted. "I’ll tell you what my ‘family’ did to me… When you and I got together… I called my mom one morning while you were still asleep. I was feeling abnormally strong that morning and wanted to share with her something that I thought she’d actually like to hear for once. I mean she adores you right?" AJ nodded and listened to me, "Yeah well I called my mom and told her that I was in town visiting and such… told her that we should all get together for dinner before the tour began. I told her about my job with you guys and then told her how you and I had fallen in love… You know what she said?" I waited for AJ and when he didn’t say anything I yelled at him with tears in my eyes, "Do you know what she said?"

"No, I don’t…" AJ sighed.

"She told me that they were too busy to see me. That I shouldn’t even stop by for a few minutes, because they wouldn’t have the time. Then she told me that it was about time I started giving something back to you in exchange for your money. When I asked her what she meant by that, she basically called me a whore. She didn’t actually use the word, but she mentioned that if I was going to be touring with you and sleeping with you that I might as well be getting paid for it since I didn’t have a ‘real’ job." I looked down at the floor as my tears blurred my eyes and I shook my head. "Yeah, I don’t try hard enough…"

"Shit, why didn’t you…"

"Why didn’t I tell you?" I asked.

"Yeah…"

"Gee, maybe because every time I try to tell you how shitty they are to me you never listen and you defend them? That might be why…" I said bitterly.

Faith peeked into the kitchen and smiled, "Hey guys… sorry, but did you finish the popcorn? Nick’s hungry…"

I hurled the bag of popcorn at her head and she caught it just before it hit her in the face, "Take it…"

Faith looked at me with a bewildered statement on her face and then silently turned to walk back to join the others. AJ meanwhile glared at me, "What the hell is your problem with her?"

I groaned loudly, "I don’t have a problem!" I yelled.

"You threw a bag of popcorn at her head!" AJ yelled back at me.

I admit, I couldn’t believe I’d thrown a bag of popcorn at her head, but in retrospect it was kind of humorous. "I don’t want to talk about this anymore… I’m drunk, I’m pissed off, and I’m tired."

He shook his head looking at me, "You haven’t changed huh? Still the same person…"

I sighed and shook my own head, "Leave me alone…"

He grabbed my arm as I tried to pass him, "We need to talk…"

"Well talk, in the morning," I all but growled as I yanked my arm away from him noticing the red marks on my skin from his grasp. I looked up at him and saw his own shocked look on his face, "Don’t ever grab me like that again…"

"Kel… I’m sorry…" he sighed shaking his head at me. "I…"

"I’m staying with Kevin tonight…" I said quietly. "Goodnight." Before he could respond I turned and walked out of the kitchen and stepped over Brian and Howie’s legs as I walked into Kevin’s bedroom and shut the door.

The next morning I woke up with a bad hangover and to the sound of Kevin packing. I rolled over and covered my eyes with my arm. "You’ve got an hour before the busses head out…" he said quietly.  "There’s water and aspirin on the table by you…"

I opened my eyes slowly to the bright light of the morning and grabbed the aspirin and took it, "Thank you…"

"Welcome…" I watched Kevin as he walked around the room putting clothes into his bag which was sitting on the dresser and he smiled at me. "He’s been by about five times already asking if you’re okay and if I thought you were going to leave him…"

"You’re kidding…"

"Nope…" Kevin sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at me. "Apparently he’s been thinking a lot about what you said. He feels guilty for not supporting you when it came to your parents, and the fact that he grabbed you like that last night… well that really messed with him."

I sighed and picked at the blanket on the bed, "Messed with me too…"

"Yeah… you know he’d never hurt you though right?"

"Of course I do…" I whispered.

We heard a knock at the door and Kevin looked at me, "If it’s him, you wanna see him?" I nodded and he smiled before leaning down to kiss my forehead. He grabbed his bag as he walked out of the bedroom and I heard the suite door open. Moments later AJ stepped into the room and he looked as bad as I felt.

I sat up and waved him into the room as I crossed my legs beneath me and he came further in and sat on the bed. I reached out and took his hand and ran my fingers over his soft skin, "I hate fighting with you…" I whispered.

"I hate fighting with you," he sighed. "I’m so sorry… I wasn’t thinking. I don’t know what made me react like that… I spent all night thinking about it and you were right… I’ve never supported you when it came to your parents… And Faith… well I don’t know… maybe I was just trying to put the focus on something else so I picked her. I know you and Kev weren’t trying to be especially mean to her. I was agitated and I saw you guys ganging up on her and I decided to make that an issue instead of really dealing with what was bugging me…"

I nodded, "What was really bugging you?"

"I was getting jealous…"

"Of what…"

"Of you spending time with the other guys… with Faith… then when you said that you were going to miss some of our off time because of Cindy’s wedding…" He shrugged, "I think that just set me off even more because I wanted to spend that time alone with you…"

I sighed and scooted closer to AJ pulling his hand into my lap, "Don’t you think I wanted to spend that time with you too?"

"Well yeah…"

"But…"

"But I don’t know…" he sighed and let go of my hand to stand up.  "I feel so damn stupid reacting like this… I know who you are. I know that you’re friends with them. You always have been… but all of a sudden I feel like you spend more time with them than you do me. I know in my heart it’s not true… but I still feel it."

I ran my fingers through my messy hair and shrugged, "What am I supposed to say? You’re right.  I’m not spending more time with them… Because, AJ…" I got up and walked over to where he was leaning on the dresser. I stood between his legs and held on to his waist, "I go to bed with you at night… I make love to you at night… You, are who I’m in love with…" I searched his eyes as he looked down at me and I smiled, "Of course when we have a fight or something then I sleep with Kevin…"

He cracked a slight smile and shook his head, "Why am I so jealous?"

"Probably because you love me more than anything in the world and you don’t want to lose me…" I grinned with a wink.

He smiled and kissed my forehead before wrapping his arms around me, "Yeah… that’s about it…"

 

Fifty-one

~ Las Vegas, NV… Day 1… Concert # 29 ~

In a word, things with AJ after our little fight in Oakland were… weird. His jealousy of me spending time with other people turned into pure possessiveness. Pretty much the only time that AJ wasn’t by my side was when he was on stage or in some sort of meeting or doing an appearance where I couldn’t be next to him. At first, it was flattering. I thought to myself that it was "cute" how he’d follow me around like a puppy dog begging me to spend time with him and sneak off to make love in the middle of the day. A week later though, it wasn’t cute anymore. It was annoying.

I slipped Kevin a note at lunch when AJ was getting a drink and although he gave me a confused look, I knew he’d follow my directions. When AJ got back to the table I kissed him on the cheek with a smile, "Honey I’m going to go to the bathroom and then check my voice mail while you guys finish lunch. I’ll be back in a few okay?"

"You want me to go with you?"

I held back a groan and instead smiled, "I’m a big girl honey, I can do it on my own. Finish your lunch and relax, you’ve got a busy afternoon ahead of you with the fan conference and stuff… I’ll be right back…"

"Okay…" he smiled and leaned toward me.  "I love you…"

"I love you too…" I smiled and kissed him gently.

I walked to the women’s restroom down the hall from the room we were eating in at the venue and almost exactly a minute later Kevin walked in and smiled at me, "So why am I in a women’s restroom?"

I finally let out my groan and jumped up to sit on the counter, "Because this is the only place AJ won’t follow me. But he would if I let him…"

Kevin smiled and sat down next to me, "He’s been a little clingy to you lately… I’ve noticed that."

"A little? I tripped over his fucking foot this morning Kevin! That’s how damn close he was walking to me… I can’t move without him there with me. I swear he’s going to drive me insane. What the hell is going on with him? Has he said anything to you?"

Kevin shook his head, "Nope. I mentioned to him the other day that he seemed a little high strung, but he blew it off. I figured he was talking to you about whatever it was…"

I sighed and shook my head looking down at my feet as they swung above the ground from my seat on the counter. Kevin’s legs were so much longer than mine they almost looked weird. "I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but it’s beginning to worry me. He won’t talk to me either. I try to talk to him and he changes the subject. I swear Kev all he wants to do is fuck. Every time I turn around its ‘baby I need you so bad…’ Every conversation turns into ‘let’s talk later… I just need to feel you… god I want you…’ It’s not even fun anymore…"

"I don’t know, honey…"

I looked at Kevin, "He practically raped me the other night…"

"Whoa… what happened?"

"Remember when I stayed at the hotel in Sacramento and you all went out?"

"Yeah…"

"Well I took a sleeping pill that night because I couldn’t sleep and hadn’t been sleeping well. Whatever time you guys all got back he came into the room and crawled into bed trying to wake me up. But I was so drugged I couldn’t wake up. He started in on how much he needed me and the next thing I know he’s screwing me. I barely remember it, but I remember asking him to stop, but he wouldn’t…" I looked away from Kevin and focused on the floor again. "He passed out when he was done, and I did too. Except I passed out from the sleeping pill and he passed out from whatever he drank that night."

"Jesus…" Kevin muttered.

"Yeah…" I sighed. "I don’t know, Kev…something’s happening to him. I don’t know how to get through to him."

"Well… we’ll figure something out. You know I’m always just a phone call… or a note… away right?" he smiled.

I nodded and smiled, "Yeah… thanks…"

"Anytime…"

"We better get back before he has a conniption," I said with a roll of my eyes.

Kevin smiled and wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we walked toward the door of the bathroom, "Hang in there, Kel… remember, I’m your official ‘Keep Kel’s Head From Exploding Guy.’ I won’t let you down…"

"Kevy my hero…"

~~~~~

"Hey, Kel?" Faith asked as she followed me through the casino as we headed to take pictures of the fans sitting outside.

"Hmm?" I mumbled as I checked to see how much film I had left in my pockets.

"Do you think Nick likes me?"

I shot her a quick glance and then looked ahead, "Yeah, of course he does. He talks to you doesn’t he?"

"Well yeah… but I don’t mean just like. I mean…does he like me? Is he interested in me?"

I sighed and shrugged, "I wouldn’t know, Faith…"

"But you’re his best friend… hasn’t he talked to you about me?"

"Not really…"

"Maybe that’s my answer then… I mean if he really liked me he’d talk to you. I’m sure of it. He’s always talking about how great you are to talk to and stuff…"

"Really?"

"Yuh huh… I swear half of the time all we do is talk about you… it’s actually kind of weird. Almost like he’s got a crush on you…"

Once again Faith gave me the weird feeling that she was after something and I wasn’t about to give it to her. "A crush and adoration are two very different things. Nick respects me and he may very well look up to me, but that’s it."

Faith shrugged, "Whatever… I’m just saying. He talks about you a lot."

"Yeah well you talk about me a lot too… does that mean you have a crush on me?"

"No…"

"Exactly…" I said and took a picture of a group of fans singing Backstreet songs out in front of the MGM Grand.

Faith, thankfully, was quiet again for quite a while as we both snapped pictures outside of the hotel. Her comment about Nick having a crush on me bugged the hell out of me. I mean sure, he and I both knew that his feelings for me ran a little deeper than friendship but the fact that Faith, of all people, was picking up on it bothered me.

Later that afternoon I was back upstairs in the hotel trying to take a nap as AJ, Nick, Brian and Howie played video games in the sitting room. Just as I’d start to drift off one of them would yell something and I’d wake up with a groan. I heard the bedroom door open and then close and assumed it was AJ doing something. I kept my eyes closed until I felt someone tap my shoulder gently. I opened my eyes to see Nick kneeling next to the bed.

"Hey…" he said with a smile.

"What’s up?" I yawned.

"Nothing… I just haven’t talked to you much lately."

"Aww… you miss me?" I laughed.

"Yup…" he smiled.

I rolled over and patted the bed, "Join my nap…"  He smiled and got onto the bed and I cuddled up to him resting my head on his chest, "Oh yeah… this is better… the pillows here suck…"

Nick chuckled and ran his fingers through my hair, "I bet AJ’s not a very good pillow huh?"

I laughed, "He’s a little bony, but he doesn’t do bad… you and Kev are the most comfy though…" I closed my eyes listening to Nick breathing and felt my body totally relax. "We still doing breakfast tomorrow morning?"

"Of course we are… why wouldn’t we?"

"I don’t know… You’ve been hanging with the girl a lot lately and I didn’t know if you…"

"Hey!" Nick interrupted. "Stop right there…don’t even finish. Kel, you’re more important to me than she is. You always will be. I’m not breaking tradition with you for her. Got it?"

I nodded and smiled, "Yes, Nicky…"

"Good… So you pick me up from my room tomorrow at the normal time okay?"

"Yeah…"

"Good…" Nick chuckled, "You know… your man is out there whining cause he wants you to wake up. I came in here under orders to get you up so you’d play with us."

I groaned, "Jesus…"

"Trouble in paradise?"

"Kind of…" I sighed.

"Tell me about it at breakfast tomorrow?"

"Of course…"

"Good… cause I don’t like the way you sound…You’re not happy."

I thought about what he said for a minute and then spoke up again, "So what’s up with you and the girl?"

Nick chuckled, "Nice subject change…"

"Thanks…"

"Welcome… but I dunno… Nothing really. She’s nice to hang out with I suppose… but that’s about it."

"No sparks?"

"Not even a flicker…" he chuckled.

I laughed, "You better watch yourself then…"

"Why?"

"Why do you think?"

"Oh god… she doesn’t have a crush on me does she?"

I giggled, "You’re not that blonde, Carter…tell me you see it."

"I thought she was just being nice…"

"She tried to kiss you yet?"

"Yeah…"

"Did you kiss her?"

"Yeah…"

I groaned and smacked him in the chest, "She give you a BJ?"

"Kel!"

"Shh…" I laughed. "If you let AJ know I’m awake I’m kicking your ass… Now answer me."

Nick sighed, "No… she hasn’t."

"Has she offered?" Dead silence. "She has…the slut…" I giggled.

"You’re bad…"

"Of course I am… and I’m telling you. Keep your dick out of her mouth and all other orifices or you’ll be in deep trouble. She’s got it bad for you…"

Nick chuckled, "Yes, dear…"

I lifted my head and looked at him, "I mean it… no nookie with this girl. She’s like weird… or something."

Nick nodded, "Yeah… she gives me the weird vibe."

"Then why the hell did you kiss her?"

"Cause you weren’t around…" Nick laughed.

I giggled and kissed him then put my head down on his chest again, "All you have to do is ask, Blondie…"

"It’s not the same… but thank you."

"So you agree that she’s kinda odd huh?"

"Yup. I think she’s a closet fan actually… that just kind of weirds me out."

I nodded with a yawn, "I think I’m gunna send her home soon, before she gets herself into trouble. She’s been here a week ya know?"

Nick yawned, "Yeah… that’s probably a good idea…"

I nodded with my eyes closed, "Nicky?"

"Hmm?" he responded in that ‘I’m almost asleep’ tone.

"Night…"

"Night…" And we slept.

 

Fifty-two

There’s something about a concert in Vegas that gets everyone excited. Maybe it’s just the excitement of the town that rubs off on you… the lights, the casinos, and the whole experience. Whatever it was though, it had a hold of us all. I even skipped my usual costume of blue jeans and a tee shirt for the red dress that AJ’d bought be earlier on the tour and I’d yet the opportunity to wear. It was a simple dress, but short enough to show off my legs and cut low enough to show a little chest action too.  It was no wonder AJ loved it so much.

I sneaked out of the concert before the finale knowing that we had the next day off which meant that we were going to party hard that night, especially being in Vegas. I went back up to the room and checked my hair and makeup while putting my cameras away figuring that I could get casino pictures of the guys later because we were going to be there for four days. Just as I was finishing up I walked back into the sitting room of the suite and heard the automated click of the lock on the door and AJ walked into the suite. "Hey, baby…" I smiled and walked toward him for a kiss. He more or less grunted at me and walked around me toward the bedroom. I stopped in my tracks with a confused look on my face for a moment and turned around and headed for the bedroom. AJ was moving around taking sweaty clothes off leaving them in piles around the room. I watched him for a moment and noticed that he was purposely keeping his eyes off of me. I leaned against the doorframe and crossed my arms in front of me rubbing my hands over my skin, which suddenly felt cool from the chill in the room. "Something wrong?" AJ let out a dry chuckle and looked at me wordlessly and then looked away before walking into the bathroom and making a point of locking the door behind him. I sighed and shook my head, "Great…"

I sat down on the couch and flipped on the television and began watching CNN to pass the time until AJ decided to come out of the shower and talk to me. When I heard the shower turn off and the bathroom door open again my heart skipped a beat wondering if he was finally going to talk. My heart dropped though when he shut the bedroom door and once again made a point of locking it to keep me out. I dropped my head into my hands and groaned quietly.

A secret knock on the door startled me and I got up to answer it, "Hey, Kel…" Howie smiled from the hall.

I smiled, "Hey, honey, come on in, what’s up?"

"Didn’t AJ tell you? We’re going out tonight, he told me to meet you two here."

"Oh…" I said with a forced smile and sat down on the couch.

Howie followed my lead and sat down next to me, "You okay?"

I shrugged, "Yeah… he’s just not talking to me for some reason. Locked me out of the bedroom…"

Howie looked at the closed bedroom door and then back to me, "Did you have a fight?"

"Nope."

"Hmm… that’s weird. He seemed fine earlier."

"Yeah he did…" AJ had been "on" during the concert that night. He was his usual hyper self running around doing bad things to the minds of the prepubescent girls in the venue while providing all sorts of good fantasies to the adults. Watching him that night made me forget all about how weird he’d been acting with all of his possessiveness…at least until he’d locked me out of the bathroom and the bedroom.

Howie reached out and patted my knee, "I’m sure it’s nothing. Maybe he just needed a few minutes alone." I smiled at Howie and then looked back to CNN. "You look really great tonight by the way…" he said and smiled.

I smiled again, "Thanks… he bought me this dress."

The door to the bedroom opened and I looked away from Howie back to the television with my stomach doing flips. "Hey, D…"

"Hey…" Howie said cheerily. "I was just telling Kel how great she looks tonight. Apparently your taste in clothing is improving…" he giggled. I smiled and looked at him and then to AJ. AJ wasn’t smiling, and he still wouldn’t look at me.

"You want a beer?" AJ asked Howie.

"Sure…" We sat quietly as AJ reached into the mini bar fridge and pulled out two bottles of beer and handed one to Howie. Howie looked at me, "Kel… you want one?"

I shook my head getting more and more pissed off at AJ’s behavior, "No thanks, honey…" Howie shot me a supportive look and I looked down at my hands. I played with the ring on my middle finger sliding it on and off slowly while deep in thought. "So where we headed tonight? I guess Nick went off downstairs to gamble already, but Kevin and Brian are waiting for us to tell them where we’re going."

AJ took a long drink of his beer, "I wanna play pool."

Howie nodded, "Cool… But I don’t think Kel’s gunna be able to lean over the table in that dress… How about we go dancing and then play pool tomorrow?"

"I want to play pool…" AJ said again.

Howie chuckled, "Dude, I heard you. But how about we just do something all together tonight? We’ve got tomorrow off… we can do whatever we want tomorrow…"

"D, what part of ‘I want to play pool’ don’t you get?"

"AJ, I just…"

I reached out and put my hand on Howie’s knee while looking up at AJ, "He’s trying to say that he doesn’t want me there…"

AJ smiled and held his beer bottle up to me in a mock toast, "She’s a smart one isn’t she?"

I sighed and looked at him, "What the hell is going on?"

"Oh like you don’t know…" he shot back at me.

"No… I don’t know. You were all over me before the concert, you had a good concert and then you get back here and you’re locking me out of the bedroom and you don’t want to talk to me. So no, I don’t know… why don’t you tell me?"

"How do you know I had a good concert?"

I sighed and gave him a confused look, "How do I know that you have a good show any night, AJ? I was there!"

"No you weren’t…"

"I wasn’t there… My ears aren’t ringing from the screaming… I didn’t use a whole roll of film when you guys got into the silly string fight and you and Nick had bra’s on your heads…"

"Sure sounds like she was there…" Howie said quietly.

"Where the hell were you then? I looked down to wave at you and you weren’t in your seat. Some little girl was there… I didn’t expect to see some fucking fan in your seat…"

I stood up to give myself something to do to try and keep my cool, "First of all… The ‘fucking fan’ you’re talking about has a name. It’s Katie. She’s 17 years old and when I was down in the lobby tonight someone stole her purse that had her ticket in it. So I gave her my seat and I wandered around with my press pass. Second of all… I’m not some fucking slave, AJ. I have a job to do on this tour and it’s not to follow you around and sit in a specific seat each night so you can check on me and see where I am. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but you’re smothering me! Following me around like a goddamn puppy half of the time? Offering to go to the bathroom with me? This has to stop!"

"Yeah like I can trust you…"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I yelled as I finally lost my temper.

"Gee… let me think…" AJ said sarcastically with a finger on his chin. "How about I walk into the bedroom this afternoon to find you sleeping with Nick? How about someone tells me they saw you walking out of the bathroom earlier this afternoon holding hands with Kevin when you were supposed to be checking your voice mail? Why don’t you tell me what that means, Kel?"

"So what, you’re calling me a whore now? You think I’m fucking Nick and Kevin because I don’t spend all of my waking moments with you? Maybe I’m fucking Howie too, we were just alone in this room together while you were in there getting dressed! He told you how hot I looked in this dress… I could have thanked him with a quick blow job you know… Ooh and Brian… I must have fucked him on the bus ride here since I rode with him instead of you. Isn’t that right?" AJ glared at me for standing up to him and I stood my ground as he walked up to me trying to use his height as his intimidation. "You going to hit me now? Did I embarrass you in front of Howie?" There was absolutely no way I was backing down on this one. "You walk up to me like you’re tough shit and you’re going to do something to me… well do it AJ. What the fuck are you going to do?" I caught a glimmer of remorse in his eyes but he knew it was too late, he’d gone too far. I nodded, "That’s what I thought…" I backed away from him and grabbed my purse from the table before looking at him again and pointing a finger at him. "Next time you accuse me of something… you damn well better be sure it’s true." I looked at Howie who was still sitting on the couch with a deer in the headlight look on his face, "Sorry, Howie…"

I stormed out of the suite and ran into Marcus, "Whoa…"he smiled.

"Sorry, Marcus…" I sighed as I fumbled around trying to get my phone out of my purse.

"You okay, kiddo?"

"Yeah just peachy… I’ll see you later…" I said as I finally grabbed my phone and began walking toward the elevators.

"Kel, you need security…" Marcus yelled out toward me.

"Trust me… I’ll have it…" I yelled back as I listened to the ringing in my phone. Just as the elevator doors closed he finally answered.

"Sup?"

"Where are you?"

"Getting my ass kicked at poker, why?"

"Want some company?"

"I thought you were all going out?"

"Do you or don’t you want company, Nick?" I sighed as I leaned against the mirrored wall of the elevator.

"Where are you?"

"Middle elevator, about half way down."

"I’ll meet you in the lobby…"

Fifty-three

Nick watched me as we walked out of the back entrance of the hotel and got into a car that was waiting to take us off. "You want to tell me what’s up?" I shook my head no, not quite ready to go there yet and he grabbed my hand in his. I watched his thumb rub over the back of my hand slowly and he smiled, "I can wait… How about we just drive around for a while?" I nodded and then looked out of the window and closed my eyes as I pressed my forehead against the glass.

Visions ran through my head making me want to scream and cry all at the same time as the car began moving and Nick held my hand. My mind went back to all of the good times that AJ and I had shared together over the years and then flashed forward to the previous few weeks when he’s pretty much changed into a complete stranger and started treating me horribly. The words he’d said that night though, the accusations he’d made… those hurt more than anything else did. I felt like my world was crumbling. AJ was my rock, my best friend, my lover… if I didn’t have him and couldn’t trust him, I didn’t know what to do.

I’m not sure how long we drove around before Nick spoke up again, "How about we go dancing? It’s been a while since we’ve danced…"

I smiled and looked at him, "That would be good…"

Nick leaned forward and told Billy and the driver what we wanted to do, and a few minutes later we were in front of a club passing all of the "normal" patrons as we whizzed through the VIP entrance and made our way into the club. Nick handed Billy my purse and I laughed at the look on Billy’s face as Nick pulled me away out onto the dance floor and he was left holding a black purse. Tough to be a big bad bodyguard holding a purse with rhinestone covered straps.

Nick and I ignored the obvious stares from fans in the club as we began dancing to the thumping beat of the song being pumped through the club. The black lights of the club gave everything a surreal look to it and Nick’s white shirt glowed blue while the lightest blonde streaks in his hair glowed too. Just about every thought about how shitty the evening had begun left my mind as Nick and I danced non-stop with one another.

Finally after an hour the music slowed down and we fell into each other’s arms swaying slowly to the music. I rested my head on his shoulder and his hands lingered at the small of my back as our bodies pressed close to one another and the rest of the club seemed to fade away. I picked my head up and looked into his eyes with a smile, "Thank you… for bringing me here…"

"You’re welcome…" he smiled back.

"I miss dancing… it’s been so long."

"Yeah… I mean I dance every day, but it’s not the same…"

I nodded, "It’s nice… I haven’t felt…"

"Felt what?" Nick pushed.

"I haven’t felt so good in a long time. Just having someone touch me gently… You’re not pawing at me, you’re not trying to take my clothes off… you’re just dancing with me. It’s like we’re so close right now, but it feels so right. I miss that…" I put my head on his shoulder again and closed my eyes taking in once again the feeling of his arms being wrapped around me.

He tightened his arms around me and I did the same to him with a sigh, I knew he was going to make me cry if I wasn’t careful. "The last few times we did this I fucked it up…" Nick chuckled. "First I kissed you that one night, and then on my birthday… well… we both know what I did that night…" I smiled and played with the hair at the back of his neck, "Have I apologized for those nights?"

"Several times…" I smiled.

"Oh good…" he laughed and we continued to dance. When the next song began he pulled back slightly, "Wanna take a break and get a drink?"

"One more?" I smiled.

He nodded and pulled me close again, "One more…"

I see the way he treats you,
I feel the tears you cry,
And it makes me sad, and it makes mad,
There's nothing I can do baby.
Cause your lover is my best friend,
And I guess that's where they story ends.
So I've gotta try, to keep it inside,
You will never be, never be mine but…

We danced slowly and then I started talking, "He accused me of cheating..." Nick stayed silent waiting for me to go on and I pulled back to look at him while I spoke. "He mentioned how you and I were napping together today, and something about someone seeing me holding Kevin's hand this morning. I think... no, I know it's just a cover for something else. But it still hurt. I called him on it though. I could see it in his eyes by the time I was done yelling that he was regretting saying what he did. Howie was there... I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head..." I smiled slightly and touched Nick's cheek gently, "Go ahead and say what you're thinking..."

If I was the one who was loving you, baby,
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.
And if I was by your side,
You'd never know one lonely night.
And if it was my arms you were running to,
I'd give you love in these arms of mine.
If I was the one in your life…

"I just can't believe that he has you and is blowing it. After being your friend for so many years and knowing you as well as he does... I can't understand how he can let himself fuck it up."

I nodded and thought about it as tears clouded my eyes, "Probably because he knows that I love him so much I'll never completely let go of him. He'd have to do something completely unforgivable in order for me to leave his life. I may not be his girlfriend after all of this. But I can't let go of the friend I've known for all these years."

If I could have just one wish,
I'd wish that you were mine,
I would hold you near,
Kiss away those tears.
I'd be so good to you baby.
You're the one I want next to me,
But I guess that's just not meant to be.
He's there in your life,
And he's sharing your nights,
It'll never be, never be right.

"How bad does he have to hurt you before you let him go?" Nick asked in a quiet voice.

If I was the one who was loving you, baby,
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.
And if I was by your side,
You'd never know one lonely night
And if it was my arms you were running to,
I'd give you love in these arms of mine.
If I was the one in your life.

I shook my head, "I don't know, Nicky... I've never done this before. I've never been in this deep before." I paused, "Well at least with the guy knowing how I felt at the time..." I smiled shyly and looked away from his eyes.

Yeah, baby. I wanna reach out and feel you beside me,
Right here beside me, babe.
Take you in my arms right now,
Scream 'I love you' right out loud.
Some day I pray, that I'll find the strength,
To turn to you and say...

"So you walked out on him tonight... what happens now?"

If I was the one who was loving you, baby.
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.
And if I was by your side,
You'd never know one lonely night
And if it was my arms you were running to,
I'd give you love in these arms of mine.
If I was the one in your life.

I shook my head sadly, "I don't know, honey... I guess I just hope for the best. Whatever that is..."

If I was the one who was loving you, baby.
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.
And if I was by your side,
You'd never know one lonely night
And if it was my arms you were running to,
I'd give you love in these arms of mine.
If I was the one in your life.
If I was the one, if I was the one, In your life.

He looked at me and smiled, "Well you know that no matter what happens... I'm always here for you."

I smiled and kissed his cheek as I stood on my tiptoes, "I love you, Nicky..."

I hugged him and he hugged me tight and kissed the top of my head, "I love you too..."

 

~ If I Was the One - By Ruff Endz

 

Fifty-four

~ Las Vegas, NV... Day Two ~

Nick and I danced until we couldn't dance anymore and then we got back into the car and headed back to the hotel. We walked in the back door and could almost immediately hear the bells and whistles of the casino still going strong. When we stepped onto the elevator it was like a special room where all of the sounds were drowned out, and it was nice. A minute later we'd climbed all of the way up to our floor and we stepped off of the elevator. My eyes traveled down the hall toward my suite with AJ and I looked to Nick. He smiled reading my mind and took my hand in his leading me toward his room. "Technically it's Wednesday morning... and I haven't bought you breakfast yet..."

I smiled, "Room service..."

"Yup... and a comfy pillow..." he grinned patting his chest.

I giggled and nodded, "Sounds perfect..."

We said goodnight to Billy and headed into the room picking on each other for one thing or another. I teased him about the mass of clothing on the floor. He told me that he couldn't decide what to wear. I picked up a tee shirt to change into. He went to order the food.

An hour later we were finally eating and watching tv sitting on his bed. I waited for him to load a bite on his fork and then detoured his hand with my own so that the fork ended up in my mouth. I laughed at the look in his face and then talked with my mouth full, "'ank 'ou..."

He giggled, "You're welcome..."

"You know what drives me nuts about Vegas?"

"Hmm?"

"You lose all track of time... It's what, six in the morning? And I'm not tired... or my body doesn't think it is... but if I lay down, I bet I'd be out in a few minutes..."

"Yeah, but until this year, I wasn't legal so it really sucked for me... I mean, some of the places would let me in, but I hate going up there like 'Hey I'm Nick Carter...'"

Nick struck a pose and I cracked up, "Is that your 'I'm Nick Carter' pose?" He laughed and nodded, "It's very cute..."

"You need one though..."

"For what?" I laughed.

"You need an 'I'm with Nick Carter' pose..."

I cracked up again, "Oh yeah? Okay let me think... Oh I got it..." I stood up on the bed and held my hand out to Nick, "Come on, you have to do yours first... and don't spill the food..." Nick laughed and stood up with me on the bed. "K... do yours..." He did his look and I hunched over laughing.

"Kel!"

I waved my hands around laughing, "I'm sorry... okay, I'm okay... I can do it... okay go again..." I giggled.

He gave me the serious face, "No laughing..."

I cracked up again, "Oh god... but you're so cute... Okay I'm ready..." I took a deep breath. "Whew... I can do this..."

I bit my lip so not to laugh again and Nick looked at me and shook his head. "Okay... so we walk up to a bouncer and I go..." he did his pose.

I smiled, "Then I take your arm like this..." I said linking my arm with his, "Then I do this..." I struck my pose and we both cracked up snorting and falling back down onto the bed. French fries from Nick's "breakfast" flew everywhere, which only served to make us laugh even harder.

By the time we'd stopped laughing we were both out of breath and lying on the bed on our backs. I grabbed the remote and started flipping through the pay per view options. "You know what's bad?"

"Huh?" Nick giggled as he pulled a french fry out from underneath his head.

"It's bad when you flip through the movies and you've seen them all... including the porn."

Nick giggled, "I was thinking that too..."

I cracked up, "Did you watch 'Princess Vixen and the Wizard of Bras?'"

"The Wizard was hilarious..." Nick laughed.

I mocked the Wizard, "Suck it baby... then you'll get your wish..."

Nick mocked the princess, "But Wizard, I'm not that kind of girl..."

"Hee hee then they go and have a threesome... I guess she's that kind of girl huh?"

"I can't believe you watched that..."

"Oh please... don't you remember when we used to watch them in my room so that you wouldn't get caught ordering them?"

Nick laughed, "Oh my god I forgot about that! That's right..."

"I happen to like porn thank you..."

"We should have a porn party..."

"Oooh yeah! Next Room Party is a porn party..."

"I was kidding..." Nick smiled.

"Yeah and I'm not..." I laughed.

"I don't know if I can watch porn with you anymore..." he laughed.

"Sure you can, Nicky... and if you need help, we'll play..." I smiled and licked my lips then cracked up.

"Tease..."

"Yeah well... Backstreet Slut ya know..." I stared up at the ceiling, "At least to some people..."

Nick turned on his side and looked at me, "Hey..."

"Hmm?"

"You're not a slut..."

"I was though..."

"No you weren't..."

"Nicky, I was a slut. I know it, we all do... But I'm not anymore... And god, to hear AJ call me one... Hell he didn't even use the word, but he didn't deny he was thinking that..."

Nick patted his chest, "Come here..." I smiled and moved into his arms resting my head on his chest. "I don't care how pissed off he may have been at you or why... he shouldn't have done that to you."

"Yeah..." I said quietly.

Nick's fingers were in my hair again and again his touch was relaxing me completely, "I'd never do that to you..."

"I know, honey... You love me too much to do that..." I said with a yawn and heavy eyelids as my exhaustion finally started to hit.

"Exactly..." Nick said quietly.

"My problem," I yawned just before my eyes closed, "... is that I thought AJ did too..."

 

 

Fifty-five

I woke up from the weirdest dream and sat up to find myself still in Nick's bed. I automatically thought to myself, "I wonder how AJ would like to see this?" With a sigh I sat up and leaned back against the headboard pulling my knees up to my chest. I watched Nick sleep, wishing that I had one of my cameras to capture the moment forever in time. He really was a beautiful man. Not just inside, but out too. Just laying there hugging his pillow rumpled underneath his head, his blond locks a mess and his jaw relaxed enough to let his mouth fall open slightly, the sight made me love him. Not as if I didn't love him already, but watching him sleep, there was no way that I couldn't love him.

He stirred and opened his eyes, their blue color a shocking contrast to the white pillowcase. I smiled gently at him and he smiled a half-awake smile up at me, "What are you thinking?"

I shrugged, "All sorts of things..."

"Like?"

"Like I wonder if AJ's even the slightest bit worried about where I am. What I'm going to say when I see him. What he's going to say. And that I wish I had my camera right now, because you're too adorable when you sleep."

Nick smiled, "I'm not asleep anymore."

"You're adorable awake too though..."

"Oh..." he smiled.  "Well then yeah, I wish you had your camera too."

I shook my head and smiled, "Smart ass... I got your pictures back by the way. The ones that you took. They're amazing. Just beautiful pictures."

"I learned from the best..."

"Well I don't know who she or he was, but you learned well," I teased.

"I'll thank her..."

"Good..."

"Thank you..."

I smiled, "You're welcome..."

Nick rolled over onto his back and stretched with his arms above his head with a groan. I fought the urge to tickle his exposed armpits and he looked at me, "So…"

"So…" I repeated as I put my head down on my knees looking at him.

"You know you can hide here all day if you want. Make him suffer… I wouldn’t tell."

I smiled and nodded, "Yeah I know… and it’s tempting. I’m just not sure yet what I want to do. There’s a part of me that just wants to go to him and make him tell me what’s wrong so that we can make things better again. But another part of me is just hurt, and wants to make him hurt too."

Nick nodded, "Yeah I can understand that. Hell I’ve done that to you before…"

"Don’t you dare apologize for your birthday again," I smiled. I laid back down and pulled the blanket up over my body as the air conditioning of the room chilled me. I rolled my head to the side and looked at Nick. He was smiling and I giggled, "I’ve forgiven you… I promise."

"Good…" Nick sighed. "I still feel bad though."

"Honey, I wouldn’t be here with you if I were still upset right?"

"Right…"

"So it’s okay."

I looked up to the ceiling and we stayed silent for a few minutes. "Kel?"

"Hmm?" I answered staring at a spot on the ceiling that I was trying to figure out if it was a bug or dirt.

"Can I ask you a really weird question?"

I looked back to Nick and raised an eyebrow, "Sure…"

"You ever wonder what it would have been like if we were a couple? If we hadn’t hid our feelings for each other…"

I smiled and rolled onto my side facing Nick, "Yeah. I think your mom would have killed me. She hates me anyway…" I laughed. "But aside from the She Beast, I think we would have been okay. We’ve got that problem of not telling each other things that always gets in the way…that’s probably what would have ended us."

"Yeah but we don’t do that anymore… we talk now."

I nodded, "Yeah… I love that about us."

Nick nodded, "Me too…"

"Yup, cause if we were together now, we’d be fine. A year ago…" I shook my head, "Would have been a disaster."

Nick chuckled, "Kind of ironic how you and AJ used to be the communicators and now it’s you and me."

I nodded and reached out to brush a strand of Nick’s bangs out of his face, "Yeah…"

The phone rang startling us both and Nick sat up and answered it before laying back down, "Yeah?" I watched Nick’s face as the person on the other end of the line talked to him. After a moment he smiled and handed the phone to me, "Kev…"

I giggled and took the phone, "Hey, Kevy…"

"Oh my god… you’re okay?"

"Considering… breathe, honey."

Kevin sighed and I could imagine him running his fingers through his dark hair, "You don’t know how worried I was… they didn’t tell me last night about your fight. I asked where you were and AJ said you didn’t want to come with us. So I just assumed you were back here asleep or something. Then as we’re coming back early this morning Howie mentions that you got in a fight and I freaked out. I asked where you were and no one knew… then I called your cell phone and you didn’t answer, and I tried Nick and he didn’t answer either…"

I put my hand over my heart, "I’m sorry, honey… we both turned our cell phones off. I was having a rough time last night and didn’t want AJ deciding to be nice and call me. Apparently I didn’t need to worry about that though…" I sighed and looked up at the ceiling again, "Anyway I’m sorry; I should have called you to let you know where I was."

"Tell me to butt out if you want, but what happened? Howie wouldn’t tell me anything other than that you fought."

"He didn’t tell you what we fought about?"

"Nope…"

I chuckled, "Howie’s always trying to keep the peace isn’t he?"

Kevin’s voice dripped of concern, "What was it, Kel?"

"Why don’t you come to Nicky’s room and I’ll fill you in/"

"Okay… I’ll be right over."

"K… Hey and, Kev?"

"Yeah?"

"You don’t know where I am… got it? You haven’t heard from me yet."

Kevin hesitated and then answered, "I have a feeling I’m not going to like what you have to tell me… but yeah, if I see him, I won’t say a word."

~~~~~

"Yeah… I know… yup… if I hear anything I’ll call you… okay… yup… good luck… later." Nick hung up the phone and looked at me with a supportive smile.

I put my head in my hands, "Thanks…"

Nick sat down next to me and put his arm around me, "I told you I’d do it… no thanks required."

"I hate making you lie to him though…" I sighed.

"Kel… he did this to himself. If he hadn’t been such a raging asshole he wouldn’t be worried sick about where you are because you’d be with him. It’s his fuck up… I’m more than happy to help you punish him."

AJ had finally begun freaking out later that afternoon when I hadn’t shown back up. The fact that none of the bodyguards had seen me and I hadn’t been back to the room for clothes, or my camera was what got to him and he started to worry. At that point he started calling each of the guys asking if they’d heard from me. Brian and Howie didn’t have to lie because they hadn’t seen me, and as for Kevin, well he was pissed off enough after I filled him in on the argument to lie to AJ too. Kevin wasn’t exactly a happy camper when he heard the things that AJ had said to me. It took several minutes of pleading with him to stop him from going and ripping AJ a new hole.

"He’s going to look around the hotel for you…"Nick said quietly and the knots in my stomach tightened.

"Why does punishing him end of making me feel so bad?" I sighed as my stomach felt like it had been kicked repeatedly.

"Because you love him. And as much as you want him to be punished, you still care about him, and hurting him hurts you."

I frowned and dropped my head back into my hands, "I feel like shit…"

"Well if it helps… you look like shit too," Nick chuckled. I tried to smile but couldn’t even find the strength to pick my head up to look at Nick. I knew he was trying to cheer me up, but all I wanted to do right then was roll up into a ball and cry. I heard him sigh and he squeezed my shoulder, "It’s gunna be okay…"

I took a slow deep breath and looked up to Nick, "We should probably go get my stuff while he’s downstairs looking for me."

Nick nodded, "Did you finish the note?"

I nodded and handed it to him, "Read it? Tell me if it’s okay?"

Nick nodded again and took the note reading it aloud, "Dear AJ… I can’t tell you what feelings are running through my body right now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as confused as I do right now. You hurt me last night. You hurt me in ways I never thought that you of all people would. I love you, but I need some time away. So for the last week of the tour before I go to Cindy’s wedding and then we break before Mexico, I won’t be staying with you. I need to figure out what I want, and how I feel. I can’t do that if I’m sleeping next to you each night. I’ll see you tomorrow when we’re both working. Until then, please don’t try to find me. Always… KJ." Nick looked up and reached out to wipe away the tears that were falling down my cheeks, "I think it’s good."

I nodded as my bottom lip trembled, "Thanks…"

"You ready?"

I nodded and bit my lip to try and stop it from trembling, "Yeah, let’s get this over with…"