Chapter 1

Beep, beep, beep. I blinked my eyes open, staring at the white walls that surrounded me, almost caving in on me.

Beep, beep, beep. I shifted a bit, or tired to shift, frowning slightly when I couldn’t, wondering what was stopping me.

Beep, beep, beep. And what the hell was that beeping?

I lifted my head, frowning even more as I saw the bed, the sheets, and the last thing, the damn IVs.

Of course, that was what was making that noise. But what happened? The last thing I remember was yelling at Rochelle on my cell phone, than swerving to avoid a wreck and skidded on the rain soaked road, and…that’s it.

I tired to lift my hand to rub my forehead, wincing at the pain that shot through my arm. I glanced down at it, seeing tons of scratches and more bruises than I could count. And shit, that was only one arm. I turned my head to take in the other side, seeing much of the same damn thing, tons of scratches and multiple bruises. This wasn’t painting a good picture. And why the hell could I not recall anything?

That thought was frustrating in and of itself. But the fact that I couldn’t move was starting to add to that irritation even more. And since I was in a damn hospital bed, where the hell were the nurses to check up on me?

I licked my lips and tired to make a sound, any sound; not even a croak came from my throat. What the hell had I become? Was I all of a sudden an invalid? One who couldn’t move, couldn’t speak…or at this point, couldn’t sing? That was actually impossible. I was AJ freakin McLean! This would ruin my career!

I finally lifted my eyes up to the door as it opened and watched as Rochelle walked in, wiping her eyes. I tried, once more, to lift my hand to take hers, but let it fall back down, the pain being too much for me to endure right now.

“Honey, you woke up. The doctor is coming in to see you and your mom flew in three days ago.”

Three days ago? I had been unconscious for three days? How the hell…why the hell…I lost the battle with trying to remember and closed my eyes again. I wanted to ask what happened, but once more, nothing came out. The silence in my ears was never something I could stand and right now, it was making my nerves even worse.

I opened my eyes again and looked up as the door opened and my mom walked over to the other side of the bed and gingerly took my hand. The doctor followed her and I watched as he offered me a weak smile. Of course, between that, the tears running down my mother’s cheeks and the fear I saw in my fiancé’s eyes, I knew something major was going on and knew, without a doubt, that I wasn’t going to like it.

“Mr. McLean, do you recall anything about what happened?” I looked around at the three faces surrounding my bed, cleared my throat a little and once more tried to voice something, anything. But still nothing came out. Instead of trying again, I merely shook my head.

“Try not to move hon. It’s best for you.” Best for me, mom? What was she talking about? How could not moving be best for me? Not like I could move much, because I couldn’t. But still…best for me? I just looked at her than looked over at the doctor as he cleared his throat to get my attention.

“You got into a serious major accident. Your car was totaled.” My car? My precious car? That was specially designed and custom made for me…was no more? Aw damnation that blew! Yet, that wasn’t the worst part. It had to get better, after all, I was lying here, and so more bad news was bound to come my way. He cleared his throat again, glanced at both Rochelle and my mom and than finally at me. “You wrapped the car around the tree, quite literally. In the process the airbags deployed at a much greater force and you severed your spinal cord in multiple locations. You had some internal bleeding, which we were able to stop right away. You did damage to some of your vital organs, but it won’t cause any more problems in the future.” My brows crinkled together, something sounding different and off about that statement. If I damaged my spine, like he said I did, recovering from that wouldn’t be easy.

I’ve seen enough people with back problems to know, that once you’re spine is screwed up, you are pretty much screwed up. So, where was he going with this, for it looked like he had more to say? I blinked a few times, trying to keep my attention on him, but could feel my body wanting to go back to sleep. Maybe, maybe I could dream about this so called accident I had, because I really could not recollect anything about it.

“Mr. McLean…” My sleepy eyes fought to stay awake and watch this older man, his hand running over the side of clipboard than flipped a couple pages, only to run over it again. He was nervous. He reminded me of the doctor I saw when I burned my throat with that stupid drink that was on fire and he thought I had burnt my vocal cords so badly that I couldn’t sing anymore. He was…scared to tell me the truth. And this doctor was acting the same way.

“Mr. Mclean…” I let out a sigh and felt my mom lay her hand on my shoulder, a comforting smile on her lips but tears pooled in her eyes again. “Mr. McLean…” If he said that one more time, I was going to ram my hand down his throat. Spill it already. What the hell was the problem? “There’s more.” No shit Sherlock! A blind man could see there was something else bothering you, something you had a hard time getting out. “With your cord being as damaged as it is…,” he took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose before going on, “you can’t move from the waist down. You’re paralyzed Alex., permanently.”

Chapter 2

I just watched the doctor as he slipped his glasses back on, offered me another weak smile, glanced at the two ladies who were there and than left me alone, trying to handle and comprehend this. How could this happen? It couldn’t. The guys were just getting big again and my solo album was doing well, and now I was doomed to spend the rest of my life…doing nothing?

First of all, there was no way that could happen. I’m not the type to just sit around. I couldn’t stand being off tour for more than three days because I got too damn antsy. And second of all, I’m AJ McLean, which I have already stated. I had…we had way too many fans and I just couldn’t disappoint them.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, thinking this was nothing more than a horrible dream. That I would wake up and all of this would be gone. It had to be. I knew that being out like this was not something I could do. Ever.

I felt my mom kiss my head and whisper softly. “I know what you are thinking hon. But don’t worry. Just rest, the morning will come and than we can discuss this a little more.”

There was nothing to discuss. There was nothing going on. Yeah, that’s what I wanted to believe. That’s what I would believe; this was nothing more than an ugly ass nightmare. I felt Rochelle’s lips lightly brush mine and than I drifted right back to sleep.

-----
Ten hours later, I woke up with a start, every image as clear as day in my mind. The whole conversation with Rochelle, the accident I avoided and than totaling my car. Luckily, I had passed out, so I couldn’t feel anything. I tried to jerk up and couldn’t, my arms barley jerking up. I felt someone gently touch my arm and turned my head to look at the person. I smiled a bit and watched as she climbed on the bed, carefully wrapping her arms around me. I rested my head on her arm, holding onto her hand.

“Shh, Alex. Mom talked to me. And we both know that you did not believe this. But you have to deal with it. And you have our support, you know this.” I cringed, hearing my best friend’s voice and knowing that it wasn’t some horrible dream but rather the very life I now had to live. How was I going to do that? Do this?

I had the guys, my friends, and the fans, but would all these people be there if there was no AJ McLean, just an Alex? I knew my family would be there. And Resa wasn’t just my best friend; she was like my slightly younger sister. And with her, I knew I might be okay.

I cleared my throat, not thinking I would actually get anything out. I let her hold me, feeling a release there that I didn’t feel anywhere else half the time. “I’m….s….scared.” Her lips pressed against my head and I smiled a bit.

“You have every right to be. But you don’t know what could possibly go on. The doctors are saying there could be surgeries and therapy.”

“R…r…really?”

“I would think so. I would think they are expensive too.”

“I’m…I’m…..AJ…” Her fingers gently pressed against my lips and I almost wanted to laugh. It was sorry how well some people knew me.

“I know who you are. I know you have money.” I could tell she just rolled her eyes and than she removed her hand. “How about you go back to sleep and when you wake up again, the doctor can explain more, huh?”

“S…st…stay…w…w…with...me?” She shifted a bit to make herself comfortable and wrapped her arms around me. I was lucky, to have the family, and the friends, that I had.



I groaned at the uncomfortable position I found myself in as I woke up again. I opened my eyes and glanced around, smiling a bit as I saw Howie there. I licked my lips and lifted my head off the arm it was currently laying on and squeaked a ‘hi’. Howie turned his head and smiled, walking over to the side of the bed.

“Hey man. How you feelin’?”

“I…I’m…al…al..ive.”

“This is true. It could have been a lot worse. At least you only hit yourself.” I knew that was true. Sure, I screwed up my life by doing this, but at least I hadn’t taken anyone else’s nor had I screwed up anyone else’s. So, yeah, I was grateful for that. “Jen said…um, that it’s a good thing we weren’t going on tour or anything. After you recover a bit, we’ll discuss what we can, and can’t do. So don’t you worry any.” I blinked some; really not even knowing what options could be open to me. You can’t make CD’s and than not promote them. You can’t make singles and not have videos to make. And you certainly couldn’t make much without the tour. The fans want to see you live. And if you couldn’t make them happy, than you really didn’t have fans.

I sighed and Howie placed his hand on my shoulder, knowing me too well to know that I wasn’t even slightly happy by how this happened.

“Man, it bites, I know. And I know that you are unhappy. But, you can’t always give up hope so early in the game.”

“H…How..ie…y…you…k..know…I…l…love…you…b…but…y…y…you…know…that…p…per..for…ming..is…my…l…life.” I closed my eyes, never having any sentence take so much out of me. Right, other options, there wasn’t any. I was screwed. Howie just shook his head, rubbing my shoulder again.

“I’m telling you man, don’t give in. You never know what could happen. After all, miracles happen on a daily basis.” I turned my head back into her arm, thinking that over. Maybe they did, but something told me, I was on my own with this one. If I wanted to get better, it was going to be determination, my strength and my stubbornness to over come this!

Mentally, I sighed as I saw the images of many concerts drifted through my mind, along with tons of fans that had made impressions on me, and to wrap it up with the endless hours we had spent in the studio, goofing around or recording.

Those were things that I may have lost, and with that thought a few tears slipped out. As a performer, there is something in your blood that makes it like a high for you to be around those fans and perform. I was losing that, and I couldn’t explain that to anyone, they wouldn’t understand. And it hurt, it hurt rather badly.

And before I knew it, I was clutching onto Resa’s shirt, the tears flowing freely. Her arms tightened around me, and I heard her sigh before falling back to sleep.

Chapter 3

I stared out the window, looking up at a cloudless day in LA. It would have been an amazing day to lounge out on my porch or to take a trip down to the beach. But nope, not now. Today I was stuck in damn bed with people who kept telling me not to worry, that it would get better. Well screw them. Their life wasn’t over! They weren’t stuck in this stupid ass position. I was! I had to deal with it.

And it was stupid. What the hell did I do to deserve this? Who did I piss me off so damn badly? I couldn’t think of anyone, not like that meant much actually. I lifted my hand, finally able to do that with only a slight twinge of pain and rubbed my forehead. I heard the door open and close and turned my head slowly to see the doctor walk over, pulling up a chair.

“How are you feeling Mr. McLean?”

“I…I’ve been…b..better.” He chuckled slightly at that.

“Somehow, I’m not surprised.” He cleared his throat and looked over the chart he was holding than sat it on the bed beside my leg. “I know you think you are in a hopeless situation, but you aren’t. There are options open to you, because of WHO you are. There are procedures that I can discuss with you that I can’t discuss with other patients because they don’t have the type of funds like you do.” I crinkled my brow as I just stared at him. What in the world was he getting at?

“Do…g..go on.”

“What happened to your back was the fact that you lost discs in your spine. To replace those, the price is in the one hundred thousand dollar ranges.” He grabbed the board back and moved the chair closer to the bed, showing me a picture of the spine. He arrowed to where I was missing the discs and went on to explain what was going on. “The operation is expensive as well, because of the location. It’s possible to end up doing more damage than good.” I rubbed my forehead again, trying to process exactly what he was saying than looked up as the most three important ladies in my life walked into the room, my mom walking over to the other side of the bed and took my hand.

“If it’s likely to do more damage than good, why would Alex want to do it?” Resa said as she sat down at the edge of the bed, looking at the doctor.

“Because it’s the only hope he has if he wants to walk again. The replacements will allow him to help move the other bones and joints. Granted, he will never be able to do, what he once did. But light dancing, and standing, walking, those things will be done no problem. But that will take months of therapy, days where it’s going to hurt and be rough. And rough in many areas, not just physically but emotionally and most certainly mentally.”

“And there’s no other way to help him without endangering his life like this?”

“No, Rochelle, there’s not. Alex will spend the rest of his life in a wheel chair. The way a person’s body is set up, the spine is literally the back bone. Missing a screw here or there might be okay, you will have pain, but it’s not so horrible. When you start missing multiple screws in different areas that are right on top of each other, you can’t function. Mr. McLean is missing that, they are gone, we had to remove them. They were damaged beyond repair. The decision is up to him of course, but as his family, it’s up to you to help him. This strain will not just be on him, but on you. The next year or two will be one of the bumpiest roads you will have to face.”

“But…it’s…that…or..not..walk. And…if I can’t….walk…I can’t…perform.”

“Nope. Unless they will allow you to sit in a chair and chances are, they won’t.” I looked up at my mom than at Rochelle and finally at Resa. There was no choice in my mind. I hated surgery, hated the thought of being sliced open, but the thought of never walking again or performing again was a lot more frightening to me.

“It’s…not…a choice. And you…all know it.”

“Maybe you should talk with the guys first? What if they feel is better just to end the group?”

“Mom…don’t….we all…know they won’t…see…it like…that.” I sighed, squeezed her hand and than looked at the doctor. “What…other…information…can…you tell..me?” He looked around as well than nodded.

“I will call the doctor who is trained in that surgery. George Marshall, a great surgeon. He will come in and explain exactly what they will do and what’s going to happen.” I nodded my head, watched him get up and leave.

“You don’t have to do this baby.”

“I…do. Life…for me…is being…able to walk…on a stage…and perform. We…all know…this.”

“But you have me. We can have another life.”

“Rochelle, this is AJ. He loves you, loves his friends, his family, but there is nothing more important than that stage to him. I don’t like the thought of him having a high risk operation anymore than you guys, but I know him too well. If he could, he’d sell his soul to the Devil to be able to perform again.” I looked at her, my lips twitching at that. She voiced my thoughts exactly.

“Resa, you just need to butt out already. You aren’t going to have to help him.”

“He’s my best friend. I’ve been there for everything with him. This, and you, aren’t going to stop me now.” Her eyebrow lifted it up in a strange challenge to Rochelle. No, Resa wasn’t jealous. In fact, there was really nothing like that between us. There never has been. We never once kissed or tested the waters, like you would do with normal, opposite sex, best friends. Way back when, when the guys first started out, Resa and I had bumped into each other at a tattoo pallor, of all places. She was way too young, but was looking anyway.

And since than, we were like glue. I rarely did anything without talking to her. In fact, I had to get her advice on purposing to Rochelle. Just because I talked to her, didn’t mean I always headed her advice though. But, that’s beside the point. Resa knew a lot about my life, she was truly a friend and I trusted her. And that was something that Rochelle wasn’t grasping.

I leaned my head back, watching these two women, really wondering if they would both help me. And if that was the case, would the sparks really fly? Would the claws come out? Hmm, a show to watch indeed.




“Want to talk?” I shook my head. “Want to watch TV?” Yet again, another shake. “Want to lie around doing nothing?” This time, that earned her a death glare. She looked up over the magazine and glared right back at me. “What the hell AJ?”

“I want to go outside. I want to feel the sun. I want to be able to dance! And I can’t do a damn thing because my no good ass is stuck in this damn bed!”

“I’m sorry; I can’t help you at this moment!”

“No one can!” I crossed my arms, glared at her one more time and than turned my head to look out the window. I had been confined to a damn hospital bed for the last week, over a week actually. I was more than tempted to get out of it, lift it up and toss it out the window. To say I was irritated and pissed off was beyond the realm of smart ass.

Of course, I couldn’t move, which made me stuck. And with the pity glances and the “sorry” that I kept getting, it was only adding to my anger! I didn’t want that pity ass shit and at this point, the next person to say sorry can shove it right up their ass! Don’t give me that damn crap. I didn’t need it. It was only bull shit to my ears! And it was pissing me off.

“Alex…” Her soft voice raked over my nerves and I turned to glare at her.

“Don’t…don’t say another damn word. You can’t help, than get the hell out. I don’t need your lame ass to keep me company! I don’t need you to lecture me about keeping my head straight and things will get better. At this low point in my life, I ain’t buyin’ that shit, so don’t sell it. Now….GET OUT!”

Chapter 4

Resa turned as she heard the approaching footsteps and offered a smile to Howie. He returned her smile and stood beside her, looking out the window, seeing the many fans.

“They wouldn’t let him go,” she said, her eyes scanning over the numerous people who were holding signs or stuffed animals.

“We know.” She swallowed hard and leaned against him as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

“I’m scared.”

“I know.”

“He’s my best friend. And…the options are so slim.” She closed her eyes, listening to Howie sigh.

“Would it help you at all if I told you I was scared too? I know the options, regardless if they talked to him or not. And he’s my best friend too and you know that I care for him. He is after all, my brother.” She chuckled at that and nodded.

“I know. The brother that you really didn’t want.” He smiled. They stood like that for a few minutes, just taking in each other’s strength. “You know he didn’t mean what he said earlier?”

“I know. It was his anger, his frustration, all rolling out and I was merely at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“He loves you.”

“He better. I had to suffer through a lot for that man.” She sniffled, wiped her eyes and finally lifted her head, smiling at him once more. “Thanks Howie. Next to AJ, I think you’re the only one who really understands me.”

“I should. If you are friends with that man, and I’m friends with him, than we should really understand each other. Now, are you going to go back in there?”

“Do I have to? Rochelle was in there!” He just lifted a brow, knowing that wasn’t an excuse. “Fine, fine Howie. I’m going.” He wrapped his arm around her once more, gave her a slight squeeze and led her back to the room; opening the door for her and seeing AJ turn his head toward to the door.

I turned the TV off as I saw her walk in, followed by Howie. She gave me a weak smile and walked over to the chair next to the bed, taking my hand in hers. We hardly ever fought, strange as it may be. And I never, okay tried not to, raise my voice at her. She was the back bone that I needed and she was really the last person I ever wanted to hurt.

“I’m sorry.” The words were out of her mouth before I could even utter mine. She was sorry? She had no reason to be sorry! It was my dumb ass that hurt her.

“No…no. You have no reason to be sorry. I shouldn’t have vented at you.”

“I pushed you. I know how you are and I took advantage of that. Well, not advantage, but I just pushed you.” I shook my head a bit, not wanting her to think that she had any blame in this. She really didn’t.

“Theresa, not even, don’t think like that. It was all on me.” She stood up and kissed my forehead.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s over and done with. And neither one of us is mad at each other, deal?” I looked up and into her eyes, than watched as her lips lift into a smile and I returned it. I wasn’t mad at her; again, it was a rare sign when I was. And that was shocking for as often as she mingled my life. But just because she stood by my side and tired to cheer me up, that was not a reason to get upset. I finally turned to look at Howie who pulled up another chair to the bed.

“We talked about it. Nick, Brian, myself, Jen…we were discussing what do we do.”

“I figured you would have at some point.” Howie smiled a bit, glanced at Rochelle who stared at him for a moment.

“Bull crap! I’m not leaving.” She crossed her arms and went on staring, but Howie wasn’t one who could easily be pushed, at least at certain times. “If I’m going, so is Resa. It’s not fair that she gets to stay and listen!”

“For crying out loud Rochelle, just go. I know it’s not fair, but Resa is my best friend. And you know that I will tell you everything that happens later on anyways. Now please, go find my mom and try to be a help to her, huh?” She narrowed her eyes at Resa than shot me a glare before she strolled out of the room. Maybe I aught to rethink that whole proposal thing right about now. “I’m sorry D, go on.”

“We know you man, we know just how you are and how you think. And though we don’t like the odds of what could and couldn’t happen, we know that you not being on stage is by far the worse thing you could do.” I chuckled a bit. I had heard the couple interviews the news cast had done with the fans outside and all said they wished me well, but that they knew that somehow, someway, I was going to be on stage again. I guess everyone did know that performing was in my blood.

“I talked with mom. She’s worried of course, but she honestly thinks the surgery is the best choice. Doctor Marshall is coming in later to really sit down with us and discuss the pros and cons.”

“Good. And from there you’ll make a decision?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty much been made, but if for whatever reason, there are far worse cons than there are pros, it’s very likely my butt will be confined in a chair.” Howie gave me a huge ass grin and shrugged.

“There’s ways of putting ramps on stages so someone can wheel themselves around. That just means no more stage humping though!” Resa cracked up and I just shook my head.

“One damn show and I’m shammed for life! Geez, can’t you ever stop talking about it?” I shook my head and leaned my head back, letting out a yawn. Resa leaned over and tucked the sheet and the blanket up around me.

“Rest hon, Howie, mom and I will be back later with Doctor Marshall and we can discuss it more.” I nodded my head and closed my eyes, the fear of being in surgery quickly came to my mind and the fear of what I could end up losing Everyone told me to think long and hard about this and I knew that was true. There were some dangerous turns up ahead and I had better be careful, or I could end up screwing myself in ways I never wanted.

Chapter 5

I tried to sit up a bit, looking at my family and friends and than at the doctor as he sat down, offering me a smile.

“Well, Mr. McLean, I see you are in happier spirits than the last time I checked in on you.”

“You have checked in on me?”

“Yes I have. I’ve looked over your charts and thought I would come in to see you. But I think you were a little upset. Not that anyone in your case would blame you. To have everything in one instant to lose it all the next, it’s a rather tough pill to swallow.” I nodded my head, rather grateful that the doctor seemed to understand that.

“Do you have a lot of cases like mine?”

“Famous ones, no. But back problems, yes. In some situations, though, surgery is merely out of the question for the cost is rather high. They just go through as much treatment as they can and use that will and drive to get better. You have overcome a lot, AJ, and you certainly have the resolve to push through this, to overcome this. But at the same time, in the way your spinal cord is damaged, pushing through might damage it even more. You are limited, yes, but just having therapy without the surgery could really make it worse, to could all the possibilities and make them fly right out the window.”

“I guess, I’m not quite following. What exactly are you referring to? He can’t move.” The doctor turned a bit and smiled at Denise.

“That’s not true. He has function of his arms, his head, his upper body. It’s his lower body that can’t move. He can talk, eat, swallow, blink, those kinds of things. He can’t walk or dance, and by that, he is limited. The discs in the spinal cord are rather simple to break and damage, if done properly. They even out the pressure along the spinal cord. When one breaks, it’s like a road accident. One car piles up, than two, three and so on. He already has two broken discs and damage to the cord. Without surgery to fix those, and merely just doing therapy, his likely to break more discs, do more damage to the spinal cord, which could than make it a full paralysis rather than just the lower part. He would than be confined to a bed for the rest of his life and the chances of any surgery even helping are useless.” Well, if that was you, and you were given those options, what one would you pick? Really? I rubbed my eyes and sighed.

“Okay, so I could end up doing a lot worse. Got it. That’s a con to not having the surgery. So, talk to me a little bit more about the surgery.” Doctor Marshall cleared his throat and shifted a bit before flipping to a page on the clipboard that showed a spine.

“Like any surgery, it’s dangerous.”

“I know, I had my knee operated on a while ago.”

“Good, I mean, you know what surgery is like. As I have made it aware, anything concerning the back and the spine is dangerous. There really isn’t one safer road than the other. You run risks either way.” He cleared his throat again and showed me where the damage was done on my spine. “If we operate, we go in here, replace these two discs and try to fix any damage we can to the cord. Not everything is fixable, and things are certainly tighter, the tissue, the muscle and you do have to work it out, which is why you will still need therapy afterwards.”

“Doctor Marshall, I know exactly what you are explaining. I know the after effects of surgery. I want to know what the chances are that this would be successful.” The doctor looked up and glanced at each face before finally turning to look back at me.

“Mr. McLean, I’ve done this surgery quite a few times, and I’ve never lost one patient, I wouldn’t let you be the first. I’ve had to replace discs, and fix cords, although, I’ve never had to do it at the same time. The rate of success is high. But at the same time, to overcome it, to push through and be almost as good as new with the extensive damage you have had done to it, isn’t the best. In my professional opinion, for whatever it is worth, it’s the best choice for you to make. You’ve had damage to your back before and without the surgery, you are taking a very huge unnecessary risk.” And there you have it. The line between worse and the worst was rather thin and very gray. The success rate of having both fixed wasn’t good yet I could totally screw up my back if I didn’t take that surgery. “It’s a lot to think about. I’ll be around for the next few days Mr. McLean, so just let your doctor know when you are ready to talk to me. Either way you go, I understand.” He offered a smile to me, than the rest of the guys before leaving.

“Honey, that’s a huge risk.”

“I know mom. But to go without it, is even worse.”

“AJ, you don’t have…”

“Howie, I need to. Performing is my life, and everyone in this room knows that. I’m nothing if I don’t have that stage.” Resa walked up and took my hand, giving me a very warm smile.

“You guys know AJ as well as I do. Do you want this man whining for the rest of his life because he’s not able to do anything?” Everyone chuckled, including me. “AJ has the will, the drive, the resolve to overcome this, to push past this. He won’t quit and yet he won’t screw himself over anymore. And if nothing else, he has the support of every one of us and then some.” There it was in a nut shell. My best friend just voiced my thoughts and gave my answer. Without really stopping to think about it, I knew what I was going to do. I think we all did. Take the surgery and screw what could happen!

Chapter 6

For the next few days, I heard from just about every doctor and heard just about every plan as well. Some scared me more than others, some made no sense, and others were just a plain joke.

Finally, I rubbed my eyes, my mind trying to process everything. My head was hurting from listening and my heart was hurting because the after part was not something I was looking for. No matter which direction I went, I was stuck with either a visiting nurse or a stay at home nurse; though each doctor, with every surgery, suggested that a loved one be home to take care of me rather than a nurse. And yes, I knew that I had loved ones who would help take care of me, but the one that was currently living with me, was the one in question.

I wanted to believe that Rochelle loved me like the way that I loved her, but things were questionable, actions were questionable.

“How about we go get AJ something to eat,” my mom said, glancing at Rochelle. I was grateful to my mom for that. I knew her feelings to Rochelle but I knew she was aware that I wanted to talk to Resa. I watched them leave then turned to look at Resa.

“Am I crazy?” Resa smiled and nodded, sitting on the edge of my bed and taking my hand.

“Of course you are. But I think that’s why we loved you.” I took her hand, smiling at that.

“Am I a fool for thinking that she would help to take care of me?”

“Alex, you are asking the wrong person. I have always felt that she would be the type to leave you when you no longer served her purpose. Rochelle is not the type to wait on you or to take care of you. But then again, you know that I don’t care for her very much.”

“I think you have made that clear a time or two.”

“Well, her feelings have been very open and honest about me. She even stated this morning that she would take care of you so that I can just go home, that you wouldn’t have any need of me.”

“She just doesn’t understand our friendship.”

“No Alex, she doesn’t like our friendship. She hates that your best friend is a girl.” I sighed and leaned my head back again. I can admit that it bugged me to no end that my best friend and the woman I loved, couldn’t get along. But how many past boyfriend had I hated that dated Resa?

“I just want happiness.” Resa wrinkled her brow, rather surprised.

“Hm, that’s what all of us want.” She rubbed my hand and sighed. “You know I’m always here. Through anything and everything.” I smiled up at her, knowing that was very true. “As are the fans. Your facebook and twitter have both blown up over this.” I chuckled and shook my head as she told me that.

“I’m sure you are staying on top of things for me.” I sighed and leaned my head back.

“You need to rest AJ. Just let you mind stop, and rest.” She leaned down and kissed my cheek. And as I drifted off to sleep, I couldn’t help but smile.

-----
Two days later, I stared at our manager, who could only seem to tell me that she was very worried about all of this. I glanced at D who only held up his hand and shook his head, letting me know she hadn’t stopped worrying.

“Jen…wait…stop!” She finally looked up and at me.

“Huh? What?”

“Cool it. Look, I know you’re about the only person against this, but it’s going to happen; tomorrow in fact. And I have all the help from you all, and the fans. You know me Jen. I have to be on stage. And not just in a damn wheelchair. That’s not AJ McLean’s style.” She nodded and gave me a hug.

“You better pull through this or I will kick your ass myself.” I chuckled a bit, and then turned my head as the doctor came in.

“Sorry folks, Mr. McLean needs his sleep. And visiting hours are about up.”

“Thanks,” my mom said. She stood by my bed while everyone gave me a quick hug. I waved to them all then looked at the last three women there. I finally let my gaze linger on Rochelle who gave me a soft kiss.

“I love you babe. And I’ll be right here, waiting for you.” She gave me another kiss and then walked out with Nick. My mom brushed my hair aside and then kissed my forehead.

“I love you mom.”

“I love you too baby. Be here first thing in the morning.” I gave her a tight hug before she smiled and then turned to leave the room.

“So…”

“You’re staying right?”

“Please Alex. I’m going to do what you did when I was in here. I’ll be back.” I smiled and leaned back. There was no way I was staying alone. Not this night. After about ten minutes, I heard the door open and then heard her set the alarm on her phone before she climbed up on the bed. She lifted my arm and wrapped it around her and I smiled, glad to have my best friend here with me, glad she knew how scared I was, without voicing it!

Chapter 7

One week later, I looked around the house and sighed. Being gone from it for so long made me love it all the more. And why did I think all those damn stairs were beautiful? Damn it all to hell!

“I guess that guestroom that you painted that hideous shade of yellow just became your bedroom,” Resa joked as she took the suitcase in there. She turned and looked at me and I shot her a glare. But I knew she was right. There was no way I was making it upstairs in a damn wheelchair. And then for that matter, there was a lot that needed to be changed at my house. And that was a task I’m sure both Rochelle and myself weren’t looking forward to.

“I guess you wanna follow Resa hon.” I tilted my head back and looked up at Rochelle, noticing the slight grimace as she pushed me into my new room.

“I hate this room. Do we have to stay there?”

“Well, do you wanna carry him upstairs every night? And then carry him down every morning?” Theresa lifted a brow as she looked at Rochelle and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing at the mere thought.

“No one asked for your input Theresa.”

“That’s true, Ro Ho, but then again, if you thought before you speak, you would have known it’s impossible for Alex to stay anywhere that’s not on the first floor. He, and you, are lucky enough there is a bedroom down here, other wise, you would be sleeping alone.”

“Hey, okay, stop. Geez you two!” I glanced between these two women and knew that having them together to help through this was going to be a challenge. “I don’t you two fighting. Besides, I’m rather tired. Ro, hon, can you please get me some water; I need to take my pills.” I smiled as she leaned down and gave me a kiss before walking out of the room.

“God AJ, how you stand her?” Resa asked as she pushed me closer to the bed and helped me out of the chair.

“She’s a good lay.”

“Eww! That is not what I ever wanted to know. That’s just nasty!” I cracked up and kissed Resa’s cheek.

“I love you Resa. You really are one of my best friends. Thank you.” She pulled the blanket up over my legs and then over my waist before gracing me with one of her smiles.

“Yeah, I know. I’ll be back later. If you need anything, just text me.”

“How about some paint?”

“Not my problem, McLean, bye!” I chuckled again and rested my head against the headboard, feeling a sense of happiness that I hadn’t felt in quite a while.


-----
“Is he okay?” She swirled the liquid around in her glass before taking a sip and answering his question.

“Ya know D, I think he is. He was joking around before I left. So, I’m thinking he might pull through this. I’m not sure he will ever be the same AJ, but I think he might be close.” Howie smiled at Theresa, taking a sip of his own drink.

“Even with her around?” Resa rolled her eyes and shot D a glare.

“You know how much I hate her and yet you still bring her up?” Howie only chuckled some more.

“Why do you hate her?” Resa paused and then turned her eyes to her glass. The why was a bit more complicated then she honestly wanted to explain. “Theresa?” Her eyes finally glanced up and she looked at him. Howie only shook his head as she stared at her. “He has no clue.”

“No clue about what, Howie?”

“About how you feel; about how much you love him.”

“I do not!”

“Are you trying to tell me that?” Howie paused and set his hand on her arm. “Or are you trying to tell yourself that?” Resa glanced down one more time, finally pushing her glass away.

“AJ waltzed into my life and was this amazing bubble of energy. He was smart and funny and talented. But there were dark moments, a hatred I could see just buried in his eyes. And from what I could sense, that felt like me.” Howie pushed his glass away as well, honestly only having the basics of how those two became friends. “Like AJ, my dad had left too. And after we really ran into each other at the parlor, we just, couldn’t stop talking. I told him I was getting ideas for when I turned 18 and that just the stage. When he was finally done and we left, we still didn’t stop talking. I remember staring into eyes and all that anger that I could sense, could see, wasn’t there.” She stopped talking and licked he lips before smiling up at Howie. “I learned that day, and many more times after that, that for whatever strange reason, when AJ is with me, that anger isn’t there. His brown eyes are so clear and wonderful. And yet, he’s been with all these other women, and that stupid, underlying anger is back.” She stopped again thinking how to put her next words. “I know I have loved that man for many years. I’ve always been scared to pus that issue because I don’t want to see that anger, and know I’ve put it there.” Howie wrapped his arms around her; not even admitting that he knew of AJ’s many secrets about Resa.”

Chapter 8

“Leave my alone, damn it! If you can’t help me than you don’t need to be around! Now get out!” Resa walked past Rochelle as she huffed, grabbed her purse and left without saying a word.

“Okay McLean, what did I miss?”

“Nothing, everything!” I muttered, throwing my hands up in the air.

“Yeah, okay, that makes perfect sense. Care to explain?” Resa stopped me as I tried to roll away and knelled before me. “Hey, dumbass, talk to me, what’s going on?”

“Her!”

“I gathered that much when I walked in. Why don’t you open up a bit more?” I glared at her then sighed. Did I honestly think I could go, get all pissed and not explain what the hell happened? Not with this woman.

“Rochelle is just being a pain. I wanted to try my therapy and because I couldn’t even do it slightly, she got all upset and started calling me names. So, I yelled in returns and told her to leave.”

“I see. Has the nurse stopped by?”

“What nurse?”

“How about the therapist?”

“What therapist? What the hell are you talking about Theresa?”

“I see she didn’t tell you. I guess it’s a good thing that I was there.” I gritted my teeth and glared at her.

"I just yelled at my fiancé, I would have no problem yelling at my best friend.”

“Theresa…”

“Slow your roll AJ. A nurse was supposed to come by and check the place out, make sure everything was okay, including you. And a therapist was supposed to stop by to help set things up and start helping you. Rochelle has no idea on what to even look for. You are not supposed to be doing anything alone. You could end up doing more damage then you think.”

“You’re kidding. And she knew this?” Resa shrugged at that.

“She was there. But if she was listening and computing, I can’t really tell you.” I rolled my eyes, even more annoyed with her. How was this supposed to be helping me? This could make it even worse. Maybe she was being to damn dense to understand all that could happen if I couldn’t get back on my feet.

“Sometimes I wonder about her.” Resa lifted a brow at me and I shrugged. What exactly could I say? That at certain times I wondered why I stayed with her. But, I did love her, and yes, the sex did blow my mind. “So, did these people say when they might come?”

“That I can’t answer Alex. They just said sometime today. But do know and remember this; you have the will power to beat this. But if you over do it, you’re going to do more harm then good. And if that means I’m stuck taking care of your ass, I will hurt you all the more myself.” I just stared at her for a moment before I started to chuckled, thankful to have her around.

“I know Resa. The last thing I wanna do is keep myself confined to something like this chair. It would drive me insane.”

“Good, I’m glad we are on the same page. And, with that note, how about something to eat?” I glanced at her as she got behind my chair and pushed me to the kitchen, not meaning to compare her to Rochelle. Nor did I mean to think about how many times I had done that in the past, nor how many times I could, and would, do that in the future.


------
“At least you look a tad happier.” I rolled my eyes at Howie as he sat on the bed later on that evening.

“I am. I know the road I’m going on is gonna be long and hard, but I can do it.”

“Performing means that much to you?”

“You know that man. As it is, I already think I sold my soul for all the blessing we have gotten.” Howie had to smile at that, for in truth, he could agree to what he was feeling.

“I know. So, where’s your woman? I saw Resa in the
living room.”

“Rochelle has just pissed me off right now. I don’t get her, or the things she does half the time, it makes no sense.” I rubbed my face and leaned my head back on the pillow. “It’s like, she wants me, and then she doesn’t. Does that make sense?”

“Of course man. It all depends on what’s going on. If it works in her favor, she’s the sweetest, most loving person to you, right?” I cringed when he said that. It was the truth, but it sound so very wrong. Yet, I just nodded my head in agreement.

“I hate that point too. I mean, she really has other times when she’s ad not getting anything, you know?”

“You mean other than your love, affection, and money?”

“Okay, she’s not quite that bad of a gold digger, you know.” I crossed my arms and frowned, hating that all the more. I wasn’t always the best judge of character, but even I wasn’t that bad.

“Well, you’re more than welcome to believe whatever you want.”

“You know what D, did you come here to harp on me or to try and cheer me up. Because of it’s the latter, you’re doing one shitty ass job.” Howie held his hands up in protest, but couldn’t seem to stop smiling none the less.

“Sorry man, I’ll stop. Did the nurse stop by yet? What did he or she say?”

“You knew someone was coming over too?”

“Um, just bout everyone knew, why?” I shook my head, not about to get into it over Rochelle again. But when she came home, I was going to have a talk with her.

Why she as trying to screw things up, I wouldn’t understand. Having me homes rather then out working means that I couldn’t give her all the fancy crap and she so desperately needed. I snorted at that and looked at Howie as he glanced at me, but I just shook my head.

“Are you ready to eat?” Resa said, poking her head into the room.

“I am. Jay, are you?” I looked from Resa to D, glad to at least have people like them in my life.

“I am. Think someone could give me a hand?” Both of them started clapping and I glared at them. “Smart asses.”

“But of course,” Resa said as she walked into the room and helped me into the chair.


-----
“Thank you Resa.” She frowned as she put the chair against the wall, leaving it within reach if I needed it. She sat down on the bed, setting her hand by my hip and I reached out and took it.

“Thank me for what Alex?”

“For helping me. When I told Rochelle to leave, I didn’t think she was gonna be gone the whole day. But you stayed and took care of me. I couldn’t ask for a better friend.”

“Oh, J, you don’t have to thank me. We have been best friends forever and I can’t imagine just leaving you to fend for yourself.” I squeezed her hand and she smiled. I may not have always picked out the best girlfriends, but I had one of the best and most amazing friends around. And I wondered how often I took that for granted. I stared into her eyes, my breath catching as I saw the glow in her eyes, a spark that I hadn’t seen but once before, when she had fallen in love with a Marine. And my heart sped up to a beat that couldn’t be good for my recovery.

Chapter 9
Resa walked out the door, shaking her head. She sat there, on his bed, just staring him in the eye, and was about to blurt out her feelings. How the hell could she? Thank goodness Rochelle called so she could leave and mentally kick herself.

She had loved that man for so long, even before she had met Matt and fell for him. But, back then, she had known that Alex would never see her as anything more than a friend. Granted, that didn’t stop her heart from falling in love with Alex.

But, she didn’t use Matt; she did love him, just not to the extreme that she had loved Alex. God, and here Ales was, talking about marrying Rochelle. Really? Couldn’t he see that she would, was, doing him wrong?

A lot of people had always told Resa that she was very over protective of Alex, and she knew that was true. She could openly admit that she had managed to chase off a chick or two. Not that she cared, nor in all truth, did Alex. It wasn’t like she acted differently behind his back. And what was great about their relationship, all the chicks that he ever dated, knew Resa was in the picture. He always said she was his best friend, and if they didn’t like it, too damn bad. But, even she could admit, things with Rochelle were different.

Resa sighed and plopped down on a bench. When they started dating, she hated to think about what that difference made, and she hated thinking about it now. Did she really feel that AJ was in love, no. Did she think it could happen, of course. Alex, AJ, was a great guy. Jerk when he needed to be, but all in all, a huge teddy bear.

And what made everything even funnier, Rochelle was, or
has been, the only person to have the balls to stand up to Resa. So, either she loved Alex enough to fight for her, or loved his money enough that she just couldn’t afford to lose him. Mean as it was, Resa believed that second though way more so then the first one. And no matter how much she told Alex that, he ignored her. And that hadn’t happened either.

For a time, she had thought, had felt, that she would lose his friendship, but he never allowed it. He always claimed she was way more important than she ever thought; which always made her feel special. And, the other joy was that Rochelle hated that. Hated the closeness that they had; hated that Rochelle and he weren’t like that and never would be. Yeah, Resa had a mean bone and a jealous side, but could anyone really blame her?

Granted, having a friend of the opposite sex had both pros and cons. Like she wasn’t the only to chase people off in a relationship. AJ had on plenty of occasions, managed to get those big ass bodyguards involved while scaring away some creep. Although, when she fell in love with her Marine Mat, Alex hadn’t tired to scare him off. Maybe he knew Matt was different. Or maybe, for a change, Alex was actually scared of someone she dated. But then again, wasn’t the term ‘Marine’ scary enough?

She sighed and ran her hand through her hair, nearly jumping and screeching as her phone vibrated in her pocket. She pulled it out, laughed at the caller ID and quickly answered it.

“Yes sir?”

“Are you home yet?”

“Excuse me Alex?”

“It doesn’t take you twenty minutes to get home. You live two streets down from me! Are you okay? You usually text me when you get home.” She frowned as she listened to that whole deal. Did she actually do that to let him know she had gotten in okay? Strange, it must be out of habit, because she couldn’t really recall doing that.

“I’m fine hon. I just took a detour through the park and I’m sitting on the bench. Do you always worry about me?”

“When you don’t text me within 45 minutes, you’re damn right I worry.” She glanced at her watch and frowned even more.

“I guess I got more lost in thought. I’m sorry Alex.”

“Thinking about what?” She bit her lip from blurting out the truth for the second time that night, settling for half the truth instead.

“Matt. I miss him. The anniversary of his death is in a few days.”

“How many years now?” She closed her eyes, hearing the phone call from his mom and had to swallow a few times. Alex may have part of her heart, but Matt did too. He really was her second greatest love and recalling parts of their past was difficult.

“Three next Monday.” She got up off the bench and made her way to her house. It was one story, and she thought for the umpteenth time, that Alex should stay here while he got better. But, she would be damned if she let Rochelle stay in her house. And since she couldn’t, Alex wouldn’t stay without his precious pet.

“Are you almost home?”

“Yes mother. I already left the park and I’m getting ready to go in.” She entered and quickly turned the alarm off, making sure he heard so that he knew she wasn’t lying.

“Good. Now, I’m snug in bed, Rochelle will be home any minute to take care of anything. Please be safe and I’ll talk to you later hon, love ya.”

“Love ya too.” She hit the end button on her phone and then tossed it on the couch. She had to close her eyes and ignore the words that he said about Rochelle. Did he really think she cared? Yeah, probably, since they were such good friends.

She sighed, grabbed a bottle of water and then sat down on the couch, feeling quite lonely. Not that she wanted to go out with anyone, but she wanted to be home, curled up on the couch with her man, watching some romantic movie. Okay, that made her laugh. She would probably watch some action movie over that. But that was beside the whole point. She sighed again and then heard a bark.

“Come here Jack. I know you miss daddy. He will be by soon.” The dog jumped up on the couch, rested his head on her leg and she scratched behind his ears, leaning her head back and letting her mind wander.

-----
She awoke a few hours later, groaning at the stiffness in her neck. She sat up some, and with one hand, tired to massage the kinks out and with the other, grabbed her cell phone. The vibrations is what woke her up and she thought it would be Alex. She frowned as she saw Nick’s name pop up. God, they hardly spoke, why would he be calling?

“Yes Nick?”

“Did I wake you?”

“Mmhmm. But its okay, what’s up?”

“Well, um, I thought we could talk?”

“About what?”

“About what happened. We were supposed to talk, but then all that stuff with Alex happened.” She narrowed her eyes as she listened to him.

“Nick, are you drunk?”

“Do you think I only call you when I’m drunk?”

“Yes, like you only call me when you need to get laid. There’s nothing to talk about, alright?” With that, she hung up, groaning as she knew that Nick had become more of an enemy.