Prologue

It’s weird, trying to get the mess of a life I had together. For what? A book. Because not everyone’s going to be as lucky as I was. Not everyone can get a wake up call. Not everyone can get that second chance. Sometimes I look at old photos and I don’t smile at them. Because I see what they don’t see. I might’ve been high on something (even if it was as minor as pot like my early years in the group). Or I’d be forcing a smile to hide the fact I was fucking miserable due to my parents. The reasons were endless really. It’s sad but, there’s not that many where I’m actually truly happy.

Before the past couple years at least.

I even fooled the world for awhile. Got myself to drop all the excess weight, scored some serious publicity for it too. I think I might’ve convinced myself I was okay. Because I could stop. I wasn’t like AJ, where it would always control me. It took me a long time to realize that I was wrong. And it took something that I can’t tell people. The guy helping me write this shit, the ghostwriter (I always think of that old 90s show when I think of him), can’t know. He’d think I’d lost my mind. Or that it was some stupid dream. But I know it happened. And I know it helped save me.

That’s why I’m so determined to save others in the same place I was.

They may not be so lucky.

Chapter One

If I told the truth about the night of the zombies, no one would believe me. Sometimes I even wonder if it actually happened the way I remember. I guess in the long run it doesn’t matter. All that matters is what came after.


Nick groaned as he stumbled out of the club. Glancing around he tried to remember where the hell he parked his car. The night had been an eventful one by his standards. Club hopping with Chris and Bean, avoiding the House of Carters cameras by paying off some cameramen to stay at the house and focus on his siblings instead. This whole thing had been more for their benefit than his of course. He wasn’t the one with the problems. He had a career; he wasn’t causing trouble every damn night. There was that night last year but, he could handle it. The only one who seemed to be taking the whole thing seriously however was Angel and he was grateful for it. Then again he always felt like she was the only one who had a chance of surviving their crazy family. Sadly that was including himself.

It was a night where he’d run off to escape everything. Mainly because another night of BJ telling him how he was wrong about their money-hungry mother wasn’t he bargained for. What did she know? She was no better. Ask Nick for everything. The human ATM. Obviously she’d defend their mother. The call he’d gotten from Bean had been a major blessing. Blinking his eyes slowly he wondered what time it was. The sun was rising at any rate. And they’d been the last ones to get out of the club after singing a round of Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing before downing their final shots of the night. Well, morning anyway. But if it was morning, it was early. This was Kevin’s buttcrack of dawn type early. Four o’ clock probably. He really didn’t care enough to find out. His Blackberry had died on him hours ago. Stupid battery.

“Fuck it.” He muttered and tried to flag a cab down. None came.

He knew between the cocaine and god, he didn’t even know how much alcohol anymore, that he was in no shape to drive. As the two had left the nightclub the thought of driving had only been considered for a fleeting second before being discarded. The idea of Bean driving was even more laughable. It was one of the sole truly coherent thoughts he’d had the entire night. Stumbling down the streets he headed towards where he thought the bus stop might possibly be. Bean was up ahead, falling every now and then in his rush to get where they were going. He’d laugh if he wasn’t already beginning to feel like he’d been though hell. His head was throbbing, he could feel himself sweating buckets and his stomach was beginning to betray him for what had to be the hundredth time.

A glance around gave him a surreal outlook on a world he didn’t understand. Despite himself Nick shuddered. The people around him didn’t look normal. It was as if they were nothing more than mindless being without any semblance of a soul. Zombies, for lack of a better word only with a better functionality than he currently possessed. He prayed in that moment no one recognized him. It was one thing to be a drunken, high, worthless disaster. This was beyond that, and he knew it. The last thing Nick needed was a fan to spot him screaming “Oh my god, you’re Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys!” – It didn’t happen as often as before, but it did happen.

Or worse, the paparazzi could spot him.

The paparazzi were something that hadn’t existed this strongly during his heyday. Incidents like what happened to Princess Diana had been shocking rather than the rule. While the endings weren’t so tragic it had become common to hear about celebrities breaking the law in their attempts to flee the photogs or minor accidents where people came out relatively safe. So while they didn’t care about Nick much because boybands were now considered lame, most thought the Backstreet Boys had broken up, and he was seen as washed up, they still would hound him if no better celebrities were around. Most times he was asked what he thought of Justin Timberlake’s lame ass song Sexyback which made him want to punch the asshole asking him. TMZ were the guiltiest of it, eager for juicy bits to throw on their gossip website. It would be gold for their demographic, women in their early twenties who couldn’t quite forget the heartthrobs from their childhood.

He hated feeling like such a damn has been. Most days, he blamed Kevin’s departure from the group.

Oh he knew, as he sat down (well, more plopped) onto the bench besides his so-called friend that most would consider him to be living a charmed life. Nick was a natural performer. His mother had always told him that when she realized he loved singing. If only he’d known then that she recognized him as a future meal ticket. The vocal lessons starting at age eight had been a treat – the first time he’d gotten something for himself without having to share with his four younger siblings. All the auditions had seemed fun at first. After awhile they’d been tiring, especially the acting ones because back then he’d known his real talent was in music. But a few casted him because of his golden blonde hair, big blue eyes, and charming smile even at that age. Then came the choice between a new music group styled after NKOTB or accepting a contract with the Mickey Mouse Club and as they say, the rest was history. Backstreet Boys had become a worldwide sensation and even when they were considered has-beens as they were ever since Kevin left the group, many would kill to be living his life.

Mainly, because they weren’t the ones living it.

When the bus arrived Nick had felt a burst of relief. Maybe he could doze till he got to where his condo was. That sounded practically heavenly right then. However the doors opened and before Nick could even get on the driver gave him a look of complete disgust and utter disdain for their obviously cracked out appearances. The doors shut immediately in Nick’s face before the bus pulled away without giving them a moment to even back away.

I really have sunk to a new low. He realized. Turned down by the metro bus? Pathetic.

He continued to shuffle along as best as he could. The sun was higher in the sky now and he was vaguely aware of Bean’s presence behind him. Nick wasn’t sure if he was even going the right way anymore. He hoped so because honestly his bed was sounding more and more like a release with every step he took. He pushed by teens now and then, on their way to school no doubt. It was hard to ignore their judgmental looks. Looks that shouted their thoughts of what they probably guessed to be a homeless addict looking for a temporary shelter.

Thankfully he finally flagged down a cab and climbed in. As the cab made its way towards his place, taking longer because the driver knew Nick wouldn’t notice, he stared out the window. He was in a daze, completely unaware until the vehicle began to slow down. The first stop was Bean’s apartment and his friend stumbled out with a tumble down to the pavement. He didn’t get a chance to see if he was okay. Nick assumed he was. They were always okay, because they didn’t have a problem. They were young and in their twenties. This was what people did. They partied as much as they could for as long as they could. This was what he told himself every time they did this. A way to soothe the fears and warnings he’d long ago learned to ignore from his bandmates who did nothing more than remind him how they saw him as a childish screw up. Not that it mattered. Especially anything Kevin had ever told him.

It felt like time dragged on for eternity before he finally reached his condo. His sanctuary from the hells of his life. Whether it was the never-ending publicity House of Carters, the latest train wreck caused. Or people who still believed Paris Hilton’s lies about their relationship. Or his siblings who were actually back at the house E! had set up for him. He just needed a break. A well earned break for a single night. As much as he loved his brother and sisters he knew they were all using him.

Nick made a beeline for his kitchen after the five attempts it took for him to finally use his key properly and open the door. He needed another drink. All these thoughts haunted him the most when he was sober and not on tour. On tour he could be the consummate performer. It was his ultimate escape and oddly enough he didn’t need to be high or wasted. The stage was his high. He only wished he could be there twenty-four hours, seven days a week. Maybe then he’d know what real happiness actually was like. Sadly, he couldn’t remember anymore.

He caught his reflection in the window. The person he saw wasn’t one he recognized. He skin was greyer than a decaying corpse; his eyes were bloodshot and glazed over. His face looked bloated, as if he’d been dumped in a river and only been recently recovered by CSI men. Nick shook his head at his zombie like appearance before turning away and going to the fridge. Reaching inside he desperately grabbed for a bottle of beer and popped off the top. Immediately he chugged it down. The taste felt like he was greeting an old friend again.

Not for the first time he thought, I might as well be dead. I can’t think of a reason to bother living anymore.

It was his last conscious thought as he fell towards the floor of his kitchen, darkness welcoming him with open arms.

*****

Floating, he was floating.

Is this what death feels like? Did I finally die?

A sharp kick came in contact with his ribs.

His eyes sprung open but, he was beside himself. In the very literal sense. He sat up but his body or another one just like him was lying on the floor. His mouth was open, a large lump was forming on his head, and his eyes weren’t quite closed. It was a sinister and harrowing sight. He also noticed that beyond that kick he felt no pain. Shouldn’t he be hung-over? Hungry? Something? How long had he slept? Nick shot up with a start and realized his feet weren’t quite touching the floor.

His feet weren’t touching the floor.

“HOLY SHIT!” He yelled, suddenly scared beyond anything he’d ever experienced. “Oh fuck…” Nick kneeled next to his body. “Am I dead? Is this some alien experiment…?”

“You’re not dead.” A soft voice said gently. “Yet."

Nick jumped again, whirling around to see a translucent figure with a serene glow. Her features were similar to his own, a feminine version of his own trademark Carter looks. She possessed a grin eerily similar as well to the one he used to win the hearts of millions of teen girls during the nineties. She reminded him a lot of his sister Leslie though there was another look to her, the look of another time. Her hair was a cap of golden curls, short and touched the nape of her neck. Her clothes were white and he immediately felt like he stepped into some cheesy religious movie or something.

“What is this?!” He demanded instead, fighting to ignore the fact he too, was slightly see-through.

“You said you didn’t have a reason for living.” She replied softly.

“I didn’t say that!” Nick shouted at her while willing himself to somehow jump back into his own body. He was getting more and more creeped out by the second.

“You thought it. Either way, someone heard you and now…” She smirked a bit. “I’m here to give you one.”

Chapter Two

When we first became a group I just knew, somehow, that our hard work would make our dreams reality. What I didn’t know was how easily dreams could become nightmares.


“Who are you?” Nick demanded, doing anything but looking at himself. He just, couldn’t.

The girl smiled. “My name used to be Grace. And before you ask again, like I said. I’m here because you’re not dead yet. Right now I guess you can say you’re…in between.”

A brow arched at her. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

She sighed and shifted closer. Her movements were elegant and refined, gentle and lovely. “I mean that you have possible alcohol poisoning and complications from the drugs in your system. You could die on your kitchen floor and no one would know for days. I don’t know because unlike Him, I’m not all knowing. Depends on when others choose to check on you again. You’ve pushed so many away.” Grace sighed deeply before continuing. “Or you can choose to survive and keep living. The man upstairs has given you this one shot.”

He eyed her suspiciously. “Why me?”

“Because unlike so many of our family, you have the potential to change the lives of an incredible number of lives Nick. You could do so much with your life if you chose to. I know you can’t see it right now but that’s what I’m here for.”

A bitter laugh followed immediately. “And if I’d rather not go back to my fucked up life?”

She smirked back at him, crossing her arms over her chest. “You’re not allowed to choose yet. You get to come with me, see and learn a few things. The idea is that those like myself at least attempt to make sure you’re capable of making an informed decision.”

“Those like you.”

“Guardians. In my case I watch over the Carter family.”

“You’ve been doing a fucked up job if that’s the case.”

Another sigh as she tucked a curl behind her ear. “I can influence, I can show things. But God gave humans the gift of free will. I can’t make the decisions for anyone. You’re right. Our family has fallen so far. But you’re the one who can change things around. I hope anyway cause otherwise everything I’ve done for the last few generations has been a waste of effort.”

“You keep saying our family.” It was easier to keep the focus off of himself, Nick decided.

“I’m a relative. A bit distant now I suppose.” She smiled at him and the serenity she possessed was something Nick almost wished he could have for himself. If death was the way to get it, all the more reason to go now and make it quick. “But this isn’t about me today.” Grace held her hand out to him. “This is all about you.”

He rolled his eyes. “I can’t ignore you can I?”

“You’ll remain in limbo the longer you keep fighting me about this.” She paused. “And I’ll leave so you’ll know true loneliness as you wander the earth in the in-between.”

“Okay, okay.” He grumbled as he snatched her hand. “I get it. Let’s get this shit over with. Not like it’ll matter if none of this is real and I’ve lost my fucking mind.”

And within a blinding light, the two were gone.


****


A flash appeared and suddenly Nick felt like he’d been here before, though it’d been a long time. The sky was bright and blue and it was the middle of the day rather than night like before. He glanced around and immediately knew he was nowhere near Los Angeles. “Damn I ain’t in Kansas anymore.”

“Nope.” She started walking to an old warehouse.

“Where are we?” He asked, glancing around as the occasional person walked by. It was weird though, something was different yet familiar all at once.

“Orlando.” They walked inside the building.

He turned towards her. “Orlando? What the hell is waiting for me in Or…lan…do…”

Nick’s voice trailed off at the sight before him. Grace couldn’t help but laugh. “I guess I should’ve mentioned the fact we’re in Orlando, Florida, January of 1992.”

Before him were five boys relentlessly rehearsing the same dance moves to the same old NKOTB song over and over again. Two of which were boys he’d call brothers for the rest of his life. There was AJ, skinny as a bean pole, floppy brown hair, and free of even the slightest hint of a tattoo. Howie wasn’t the shortest guy there; his cheesy grin was even cheesier. He hadn’t yet started his trademark wink and the years of age Nick was so used to seeing didn’t exist. The blonde, taller man with slightly defined cheekbones and an overly cocky persona was someone Nick hadn’t seen in almost a decade, he smirked, Sam Licata. And the other, a dark haired boy in the back a little bulkier than AJ, was someone whose name he couldn’t even remember anymore.

“Charles Edwards.” Grace piped up as if she could hear his thoughts. Maybe she could.

“Right. Burk had already left.” To be some hypocritical religious nut, he added silently. Nick remembered easily an interview he’d come across last year about how he’d given it up while judging Brian for his beliefs.

“Nick…” She nodded at the group again, one figure shifting towards the center during the routine and immediately catching his attention.

He was by far the smallest kid there. Dressed in bright clothes and stonewash jeans, he was the epitome of early nineties style. His floppy golden hair was flying all over the place as he used his boundless energy to keep dancing. His bright blue eyes were alight with so much excitement that he almost tripped over himself now and then.

“I’m not that kid anymore.” Nick spat out, nodding at his younger self.

“No, you’re not.” Grace agreed. “But I think you forgot who that kid was.”

“I wish I could.” He muttered. “Why here? Why now? Brian and Kevin hadn’t even joined yet.”

She shook her head and motioned for him to pay attention. She had her reasons for bringing him here. It was whether or not Nick could figure them out that was important to her. If she told him everything, she knew he’d learn nothing. There was risk in this of course but she had faith in Nick. There was simply too much potential and she prayed it wouldn’t go to waste because of his selfish and destructive choices.

“Alright!” Another voice broke through as a grossly overweight man waddled over to the group. “Let’s go over Sam’s song again for the next performance.”

“Actually.” Sam spoke up, smirking at the others. “I don’t want to let you guys use my song anymore.”

“What?” AJ was the first to speak out and Nick laughed at that. That was typical. Back then, knowing he was the baby put a little bit of fear into him. It kept him from speaking out as much as he’d learn to later over the years.

“What do you mean?” Lou said, before anyone else could spark an argument. The others had now started glaring at Sam.

“I’m not comfortable letting the group use my song Lou.”

“Why’s that? You were comfortable before.” It didn’t take long before it spiraled down into an increasingly heated argument.

“Things change. I’m not letting you use my song.”

“I thought you were committed to this. Charles, AJ, Howie and Nick are. I’ve done everything for you kids and this is-”

“I think we’ll call this a day.” Denise spoke up firmly, cutting their “sixth member” off before he could finish. She always tried to stand her ground when it came to protecting her only son. “Come on Alex, let’s have you try and get some studying done for once.” Her tone had been a teasing one.

“That’s for the best. I’ll call with the next rehearsal after Sam and I…talk out the situation.” Lou’s eyes were harsh and calculating. A look the others had never seen from him before. It was also a look they would someday see often.

Howie and Charles had headed outside with a wave to twelve-year-old Nick as his mother took him to the car. Everyone was eager to get away from the blowup though some looked slightly pleased about it. Grace motioned for Nick to follow his younger self. The argument between Sam and Lou began to fade out. Though the words “Fuck this band, I quit! I don’t need to be some fake New Kid wannabe anyway. I’ll go solo and make millions while you keep them rehearsing in this hellhole!” managed to reach his ears before he and his guide slipped through the car and settled in the backseat.

“He was the biggest fucking douche.” Nick muttered. “I remember in ’99 he tracked me down and asked for some help sinking a record contract for his solo career, heh. Then used us years later to get attention in some interview about him being in the group for a second, and talked shit about us not being real musicians. Bitter. Bet he wishes he’d have just let us use his stupid song. It wasn’t even that good.”

“That’s the thing about choices.” Grace replied smugly. “You can’t always see the consequences even when you think they won’t matter.”

Nick snorted in response.

Jane drove the car while her young son stared out the window. “I’m okay that Sam’s leaving.” He said out of nowhere. “I didn’t like him. I bet Lou finds someone better. The group won’t break up.”

Her gaze was colder and her tone was clipped. “It better not. When I think about the fact I let you sacrifice a thirty thousand dollar contract with Disney by choosing this instead of the Mickey Mouse Club…” She shook her head. “Our family is relying on this, on you, to get this somewhere after all the sacrifices your father and I made just for you. When we get home I need you to keep an eye on your siblings. Your father and I will need a drink after I tell him how Sam decided to up and quit.”

“Mom…” His voice grew softer. “I’ll try really hard. I won’t let you down.”

“I know you won’t.” Jane smiled at him now. “You’re out little star. I know it. One day millions of people will know your name. Your father and I won’t be up all night worrying about the bills.”

“You won’t fight as much?”

“There won’t be much to fight over then.”

The boy smiled brightly. “That’ll be great mom. And then I’ll be a big star singing anywhere I want…”

Grabbing Nick’s hand, she pulled him out of the car. They floated gently down to the pavement as the beat up vehicle sped off down the highway back towards Tampa. Nick pulled his hand away from her and sat on a nearby boulder, watching the traffic. “It’s a pretty fucked up thing, your mom blaming you for the financial shit.”

“But you cared so much about your family you were willing to do anything.”

“Is that why you showed me this shit?” He glared up at her with accusing eyes. “I thought you want me to live. If anything this just confirms for me no one’s given a damn for a long time. Mom fought with Dad constantly, threatening divorce at every turn. Money came up all the time. And if I didn’t fix it than it’s my fault. My siblings were more like my fucking kids. Hell that’s still true! I try to fix things and it fucks everything up more. My family was a wreck before I got famous but look at what they became after.”

Grace simply shook her head, undisturbed by his anger. “I showed you this to remind you how much you loved them. How much you still do love them. Did you see your face as you performed? That love was there since the beginning too. You had all this pressure but it didn’t ruin that for you. Others wouldn’t have been as strong as you.”

“We were such a mess then.” Nick said softly, more to himself than anyone else. “If it’d been like that, everything would’ve been different. I don’t think the Backstreet Boys would’ve existed.”

“Life’s full of infinite possibilities. That could be one of them.”

Maybe I would’ve been happier. Maybe I’d know what normal was. But he didn’t say those thoughts aloud. He couldn’t make believe himself into a better life or an alternate universe. Even if he did have an angel at his side, and part of him still thought this was a dream, nothing could make that possible. He had this life, or he had death. There were no other options.

“Come on.” Grace prodded softly. “We have more to see this year before we can move on. I promise though, it won’t be as depressing.”

“Again, do I get a damn choice?”

She shook her head.

“Then lead the way.”

Chapter Three

That first time we all sang together, it was like magic. Brian had just arrived at the band house and in that moment it made all the problems in the world fade away. I wished that feeling could last forever. But it’s like that one poem from that movie The Outsiders, nothing gold can stay.


Their next jump was only a few months forward. Grace led Nick down what was once an achingly familiar path. The cracked pavement where one night, angry at his mom he jumped on every single one in hopes her back would break. Maybe then he’d get to stay here. It was a small complex where most people knew one another. It was nothing fancy but typical middle class, kids were playing outside and that old feeling of longing managed to rise up in him again even after so many years. As well as the pain that followed when he remembered the fat bastard who’d bought this place.

“Okay, why are we here at the band house?”

She smiled at him. “I can’t spoil everything. Let’s go inside.”

Falling in step behind her they walked through the door and into the tiny building that after awhile felt more like a home than his one back then ever could. He shivered a little. “It feels weird walking through shit.”

“You get used to it.”

“If I die…would I be like you?”

Grace turned towards him, gazing at him with big blue eyes so much like his own as she tilted her in head consideration. “You might. I do this to undo some of my own bad choices. Especially seeing that recklessness runs deep in the family. He might let you do the same. Or make you watch over others to repent. I don’t know. Every soul is different.”

Nick nodded, gazing around. “I know what you’re trying to do. I don’t think it’ll help. I remember what got me to where I was.”

“Do you?” She shrugged. “You should remember this day but sometimes seeing it again does funny things. Besides, I have plenty of tricks up my sleeve.”

“What’s so special about this day?” He asked pointedly.

She shushed him, placing a finger to his lips. “You’ll see.”

It was clearly still 1993 as Nick was still short and scrawny, AJ looked normal, and Howie was sporting his Rico Suave look. This time however, Kevin was there, his hair a knock off of the Kurt Cobain look. Howie was in the kitchen making some salsa from the looks of it. Behind Kevin was a fresh faced and country bred Brian Littrell, barely eighteen years old. He was still looking around with amazement as Kevin gave him the tour. He looked every bit the country bumpkin rather than the cool guy the thirteen year old had thought he’d be. Of course since he’d been dropped off at the band house earlier, he watched with a grin.

“Man, did you come straight off the farm or something?”

Howie laughed. “Nicky he just got here from the airport, try to be nice.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Brian, that’s Nick, you’ll…learn how to deal with him. This is Howie, he lives here to. And lazybones on the couch is AJ. He and Nick don’t live here but they’re here enough they should be paying rent.”

AJ snorted as he changed the channel on the TV. “You don’t even pay rent. Lou covers all that shit.”

Brian simply chuckled. “Nice to meet y’all.” He replied, his accent thick as molasses. “Is Lou coming here? I mean you know I had that private audition at his place after I flew in earlier but he didn’t say or anything.”

“In a couple hours. He wanted you get settled before we worked you to the bone.”

Brian nodded, glancing to Nick who looked like he wanted to say something. “Why don’t we try singing together? Ya know, mess around before he gets here.”

“Cool!” Nick bounced over. “What song?”

Howie shrugged. “Don’t look at me. What about I’ll be loving you?”

The eldest made face and shook his head immediately. “None of us are capable of being as pitchy as Jordan Knight.”

Present day Nick smiled to himself while the others debated about the song. “We always said the first song we sang was It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye by Boyz II Men in interviews. And it was, sort of. It was the first song we sang at an official rehearsal. It wasn’t the first song we ever sang. None of us ever corrected it. I think we just wanted to keep this memory personal. Because the first time we sang, I can’t describe it…”

“I thought we were supposed to be like them?” Brian asked. He had sung a little bit of one of their songs over the phone for someone who worked for Lou when he’d still been in Kentucky, and then another one at his earlier audition.

Nick smirked. “We sing better.”

Howie laughed and shook his head. “Okay, so what about Boyz II Men?”

“Motown Philly?”

“No Nick, c’mon, something we can do a capella.”

Grace smiled back at him. In the background they kept tossing around songs. “Sometimes when the stars align like that…” She touched his shoulder gently. “You can feel an influence you can’t explain. That was His guidance you felt that day Nick. Things happened that day because it was the path He hoped you’d choose.” But every path diverged and that was what she was there for, to help the lost one back onto the road.

“I don’t believe in fate.” Was his soft reply. “I-”

“Wait.” She stopped him.

The five boys had gathered into a circle, trying to find a harmony. It was Kevin who finally got it going and the others soon joined in. It was something to be seen but no one was there to witness it, no one but the boys themselves. None of them had any inkling then of what had really begun. All they knew was that finally despite the changing members, the bad rehearsal space—or lack of one at all on days they’d be outside literally pounding the pavement, this was it. This felt right. As Brian would say years later – when the five of them sang together it was like magic.

And so they began, snapping their fingers in unison.

Sha doop shobe doo, Sha doop shobe doo, Sha doop shobe doo, Sha doop shobe doo…

Brian took the reins first, singing with a precision and purity that none of the others had. It was simple, strong, and beautiful. If any of the others had their doubts they were silenced here. Years of church choir had done nothing but help hone the raw talent the teen possessed.

In the still of the night
I held you, held you tight
Oh how I love, love you so
Promise I'll never let you go
In the still of the night

The rest of the group joined in, their harmony simplistic and beautiful.

In the still of the night

Nick stepped in while Brian moved back out. Here he possessed a confidence he never did in school. This wasn’t the kid who got bullied or mocked for what he loved. Here he was the consummate performer who knew exactly what he could do.

I remember
(I remember)
That night in May
(I remember)
The stars
(The stars)
(I remember)
Were bright up above
(I remember)
I'll hope and I'll pray
(I remember)
To keep your precious love

And at the very end came Kevin, a professionalism the others hadn’t quite grasped yet because it had more to do with age than experience. He brought with him a maturity that would day influence the others though it would take years to come for the two youngest of the group.

So before the light
Hold me again with all of your might
In the still of the night
(In the still of the night)
In the still of the night


Then it was all five again, singing together. Their voices blending together in such a way nothing else could match it. Each member was strong on his own but together was where they were at their best.

Shoo wap shoo wa, Shoo wap shoo wa, Shoo wap shoo wa, Shoo wap shoo wa, Shoo wap shoo wa…

In the still of the night

“That was fucking awesome!” Nick said after they were all silent for a few moments.

“Watch your language!” Kevin retorted but he was smiling.

“Good luck with that Kev.”

“Hey he’s right, for once.” AJ smirked and walked into the kitchen for some water.

Before the others could really discuss what had just transpired, and before Brian could chime in, Nick practically lunged at him. “Kevin said you’re good at basketball, are you?”

“I was captain of my high school’s team.” Brian said with a grin, amused by the youngest member’s antics. He could see why he’d drive his cousin crazy but he liked it. “Why?”

“Because, I’m gonna kick your ass before Lou gets here.” The blonde kid raced for Kevin’s basketball and practically dragged the newcomer out the door. “Come on!”

Brian laughed but let himself get pulled. “I’m coming, I’m coming! Y’all just wanna tire me out before we gotta rehearse.”

Nick was about to walk outside and follow them but Grace grabbed his arm and shook her head. “We’ve seen all we need to see here. I have so much more I need to show you before you can make any decisions.”

“What do you mean?”

She smiled. “You think you can make a decision based only on the earliest memories of the group when it first formed? I know better. You need to see everything. The past, the present, your family, and what could’ve been.”

A brow quirked at her as he crossed his arms. This whole thing was getting stranger and stranger. “What could’ve been?”

“Perhaps, if this isn’t enough.” She laughed and grabbed his hands. That now familiar feeling of blinding light and the rush of energy of coming over him. “But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.”

And with that, they left the year of 1993 behind them.

*****

Merry Christmas Orlando! This is FLZ 106.7 and with the holidays here and only six more days till 1996 is upon us, what do you think your resolution might be? Call in and tell us at 985-1067. And now here we have Boyz II Men with their rendition of “Let It Snow…

Nick glanced around only to see that once again, he was in the band house. But the furniture had changed and it’d become a lot homier in the two and a half year gap from the last time jump. He smirked to himself. Brian’s mom had come to visit once and immediately helped them redecorate the place. He sighed deeply and looked around for Grace but this time, she wasn’t here to accompany him. He supposed for now, he was on his own. Nick walked over and sat by the Christmas tree Kevin, Howie and Brian had put up. Ever since he was a little kid he always loved to sit and just gaze at the tree and that habit never quite died.

It was a little off putting though when he glanced over only to see himself eleven years younger.

Even when it was why he was here.

Fifteen year old Nick was wiping at his eyes and hugging himself. It was something his older self remembered clearer than anything. That was how he tried to pretend his parents were there to hug him and make him feel loved. Many times it was on nights they were keeping him up with their shouting matches and the crashes from random items hitting the wall during the fights. Or after they’d demand he pick which one he’d want to live with if they got a divorce. This night was different. He racked his brains for why the Guardian might’ve brought him here. Obviously it was a memory he’d fought to block out over the years since it wouldn’t immediately come to mind.

Footsteps caused both Nicks to glance over, the elder one momentarily distracted.

“Why are you still up? It’s four in the freaking morning.”Kevin said gently, sitting down beside the depressed teen. His hair was all over the place and it was easy to see that the crying had awoken him.

“I’m fine.” The younger Nick said defiantly.

“You can talk to me you know.”

He snorted. “Yeah right. You hate me. I heard you tell Brian this wasn’t how you’d wanted to celebrate Christmas. Why doesn’t anyone want me?”

Kevin frowned, his fuzzy brows furrowing. “Nick when I said that it wasn’t cause I was mad at you. I was mad at your parents for abandoning you here.” He shook his head. “I don’t think its right and while yeah, you can drive me crazy…” He chuckled. “I don’t hate you. Spending Christmas with you, Brian, and Howie is still being with family. Just a different one. We want you around. I wish I could tell you why your parents did this…but I can’t.”

He gazed up at Kevin with sad blue eyes. “You really think I’m family?”

He nudged him playfully. “Yeah you knucklehead! You’re the little brother I never wanted!” He grinned at Nick. “But I wouldn’t give you up for anything now that I got you little man.”

“I’m not so little anymore.” He retorted but the teen was also trying to fight back a grin.

“You’re always gonna be seen as little to me. And so you know, I chose to stay behind for you. I could’ve left to go back home but I knew I was needed more here. I don’t blame you for your parents, and I never will. I’m glad we’re spending Christmas together even if you are a pain in the ass.” Kevin laughed while grabbing a present from under the tree. “Here, go on and open this. I won’t tell Brian you got to have one early otherwise I’ll never stop hearing about it.”

The teen tore the paper apart furiously before grinning up at him. “A new walkman! Kevin you’re the fucking best!”

He smirked before tousling the blonde’s floppy hair. “Watch your language. It’s the one thing that can keep you quiet the longest besides your Gameboy. Besides your other one was looking pretty beat up.”

“Cause AJ freaking dropped it.”

As he watched the scene Nick remembered why he’d blocked this out. The feelings of abandonment had been so strong. While he’d been dropped off and left there before for weekends at a time without much warning, this had been the first holiday where his parents dismissed him. A week of arguments and then suddenly he was left at the apartment after a rehearsal without being picked up. Just phone calls asking Brian if they could let Nick stay there. Why they’d asked Brian rather than Kevin, he’d never understood. But Kevin had risen up to the challenge of being sure Nick felt wanted despite his parents. They all had.

“Come on.” Grace’s voice came out of nowhere, as did she. “We should go.”

When it came down to it, fellas had been there for him that Christmas.

Like a real family should be.

Chapter Four

The more famous we became, the more complicated everything became. I used to think fame would solve my problems and fix my family. All it did was make it worse. But in the end I found a new family. Brothers who looked out for me. No matter how much hell we gave each other back then, it was the only thing I was sure about.


“Give it to me baby…uh huh! Uh huh! Give it to me baby…uh huh! Uh huh! And all the girls say I’m pretty fly, for a white guy!” Nick sang along as he blasted his music from his bunk on the tour bus. He head banged along, his golden hair flopping about everywhere.

“Give it a rest Nick, uh huh! Uh huh!” AJ yelled back at him, covering his face with a pillow. “I don’t give a fuck what management says. Next tour I’m getting a separate bus.”

Howie yawned, stretching a bit as he walked down towards the fridge. “I know. Maybe then I won’t wake up with food in my mouth.” He yawned again.

Brian used that golden opportunity to throw a grape into his friend’s mouth mid-yawn. “Score!”

Nick high fived him. At nineteen he was one of the most well known faces in the world. It was hard not to let it get to his head. But then he’d remember his mother, the book she wrote and the way she emotionally blackmailed him into writing an introduction. How she guilted him into helping her promote it. Then the demands to help his brother get famous followed, which worked, and now she was telling him to do the same for his sister Leslie. Something he wasn’t so sure would work. It didn’t always. Between that and the influence of the fellas – especially Kevin and Howie he wasn’t too full of himself. Or so he thought.

“He needs some cool tunes, not just any will suffice…But they didn’t have Ice Cube so he brought Vanilla Ice! Now cruising in his Pinto he sees homies as he passed, but if he looks twice they’re gonna kick his lily ass! ”

“I swear to God if you don’t turn it down I’m gonna kick yours…”

His cousin smirked as he aimed another grape at Howie. “You’ve been threatening that for years.”

AJ laughed, poking his head out of his bunk. “Kev I’ll fucking pay you a thousand dollars if you finally do it.”

“I might raise the ante then.”

Howie snickered at all of them. “Let me film that when it happens.”

“I gotta thousand, do we have two? Two? Two?” Brian started rattling off in his impersonation of an auctioneer. “Come on people do we have two thousand for the ass kicking of the marvelous Nick Carter…”

The youngest of the bunch rolled his eyes. “I’m worth at least ten.”

A chorus of snorts followed.

“Now he's getting a tattoo, yeah, he's gettin' ink done… He asked for a '13' but they drew a '31'. Friends say he's trying too hard, and he's not quite hip, but in his own mind he’s, the dopest trip!” Nick sang louder this time, trying his best to be as obnoxious and hyper as humanly possible.

“Lord give me the strength.”

Unbeknownst to the group, the form of Nick’s future self was watching now and shaking his head. “I hate thinking about the Millennium tour.”

Grace slowly shimmered into place beside him as if she was made of glitter. “Why?”

“Doesn’t fucking matter.”

“I think it does.”

He didn’t answer.

“It doesn’t matter. You need to see the journey, the paths you’ve taken.” She grinned at him. “Otherwise what’s the point? You’d only get half the story and that’s no way to do anything.”

“Whatever.” Nick rolled his eyes but watched anyway. It figured that his guardian had a little bit of an attitude.

The bus was slowing down and nineteen year old Nick cheered. “Finally! We can get off the damn bus!”

“Finally, a break from the kids!” Kevin retorted with a smile as he climbed off once the bus parked at a road stop with various food options. They were currently on tour on their way to Amsterdam and Howie was carrying around a video camera they agreed to use for spots on MTV. It was crazy to think about how far they’d come.

“Smile for the camera guys!”

Brian grinned cheekily at it. “Hello again! By the time this tour’s over Howie’s gonna drive us crazy to the point where Kevin’s gonna break that camera. So…sorry MTV! Make sure to charge Howie and not the rest of us.”

Kevin simply flipped the bird at him in response and made a beeline for what looked to be a local takeout place. AJ snorted and started towards the McDonalds. “Dad’s sick of being around us kiddies.”

“Eyebrow man needs to recharge!” Nick mocked, following him with Howie. “Eyebrow man, boyband heartthrob by day, defending the world against razors by night. Dun na nunun, dun na nunun Eyebrow Man! Eyebrow Man! Eyebrow Man!”

Brian cracked up, running ahead of them. Security was trailing behind as they always did. It was weird for any of them to adjust to bodyguards when it was so easy to remember that only a few years ago they’d been nobodies. But now it was unsafe to be anywhere without them.

“This is good stuff.”

Nick blinked, whirling around. “Are you still recording?”

He winked. “Of course Nicky. I’m sure Kevin will love your new comic idea. Maybe you can use that instead of that Backstreet Project you’re working on.”

“Nice blackmail D.”

“I swear to God if you show Kevin that one night I’ll shave your head.” He grinned evilly. “And we know you fall asleep the easiest.”

Howie eyed him. “Try that and…remember when you attacked me after we threw you out in your tightie whities?”

“Yeah.” He found himself reddening now even at the memories. He’d tried to get him back by jumping on him and it was like someone turned Howie into Ricky Ricardo. Next thing any of them knew was Howie yelling ’If you ever do that to me again I KEEL YOU!’ - the lesson had been that the normally calm man was frightening when you brought the Latin out in him.

“I’ll look nice back then in comparison to what I’ll do to you now.” Howie smiled and went back to recording.

AJ snickered to himself. “That’s Howie D for ya. Everyone thinks he’s Sweet D but really he’s pretty evil. Dude just hides it well.”

Finally the four put in their orders and stood off to the side. All of them were wearing either sunglasses, baseball caps, or both in hopes less people would notice them. It worked sometimes and was always worth the effort when it did. That was when they were able to pretend they were still normal. Nick wondered what normal really was. Because even when he was a nobody, he didn’t have anything resembling normality. He took off his shades and rolled his neck, trying to shake away depressing thoughts.

“Oh my god you’re Nick Carter!” A young voice shrieked, followed by a small chorus of screams. The English was a little halted and their accents thick but he knew how to understand any fans demand for autographs. It was a universal language for budding pop stars.

He grinned a grin that was now infamous. “Yup, that’s me.” As the girls calmed down, he and the others signed whatever they could for them. “Thanks girls, we do what we do for you guys.”

“Thank you Nick!”

“We love you so much!

“Hey we gotta eat and get back on the bus. Will we see you girls on tour?”

“Yes! Oh my god yes. Thank you so much!” Amazingly enough after the teens got what they wanted the four of them were left alone again. It was a rare event these days.

He leaned against the counter beside AJ. “Man they need to hurry up with our damn food before we got mobbed.”

“It wasn’t that bad.” Brian replied.

“For now.”

“So Nick and AJ, what are you guys doing?” Howie asked after he finished talking with a fan and returned with the camera rolling yet again.

The pair turned around as Nick rolled his eyes. “We’re picking our noses, what do you think we’re doing?”

“By God, we’re still waiting on our food.”

“We’re gonna starve!” Brian cried out dramatically, diving in front of the camera.

Before Howie could respond their number was called and AJ grabbed the bags. “There! Let’s go drama queen.”

“Hold up guys, I gotta take a piss. I’ll meet y’all on the bus.”

No one had heard Nick and all assumed he was trailing behind as they all got back on. Their bodyguards had gotten back on the staff bus, assured their charges were safe and sound. Brian was passing around the massive amount of food that was ordered and Kevin was already lounging on the couch in the back with some local concoction that had the others making faces. So when Nick left the McDonalds, he walked out only in time to see the busses beginning to pull out of the parking lot without him.

Panicking, he started racing after them. His arms were flailing about frantically to get their attention. “HEY! STOP THE BUS!”

Someone must’ve heard him because the so called rebel’s head poked out one of the windows and started cracking up immediately. He waved him along encouragingly. “Come on!”

“AJ! STOP THE FUCKING BUS!”

His yelling didn’t do a bit of good. Instead it picked up speed before turning off onto the road. Nick picked up the pace, something he hadn’t thought possible. His heart was pounding as kept chasing the vehicle. “Hey! That’s okay! Just forget me!”

“Ta-ta!” AJ called out.

“That’s right! Leave me behind! I’m only NICK FUCKING CARTER! What do I matter?!”

“STOP THE BUS!” He threw his soda at it. “You can’t forget me!”

Finally he gave up. A scowl crossed his face as AJ waved goodbye at him. “Asshole.”

I’m gonna dye his hair pink or something next chance I get.

He patted around for his cell phone. “Mother fucker!”

Nick had left it on the bus, of course.

Sighing, he pulled out some change and made his way to a payphone. He didn’t have much money or at least the right kind of money for this country. But having made a few shopping trips while here he’d garnered enough for a phone call. He debated on who to call. Management would rip all five of them a new one so that was out. AJ was out of the question, Howie probably too. He might look innocent but Nick knew he was stealthy about revenge. So it was either Brian or Kevin. He glanced around and prayed no one else realized who he was as he dialed the cell phone number.

“Hello?”

“Brian? It’s Nick.”

“Ha ha. Very funny. Why the hell aren’t you calling me from your…oh shit. Where are you?”

Nick snickered despite himself. “Shit isn’t in the bible Brian. I’m at the McDonalds! You fucking left me behind!”

Uncontrollable laughter. “Kevin…Kevin it’s for you!”

Suddenly the eldest member’s smooth voice came over the line. “This better not be some prank.” Doors opening and closing could be heard in the background. “He’s really not on the bus. Nick where are you?”

“I just told Brian I’m at the McDonalds. Y’all left me behind and AJ was waving as you drove off!”

“AJ! You knew we forgot Nick and you didn’t say anything?!”

Nick smirked deviously to himself. Good, let AJ get a lecture this time. He deserved it after letting him be stuck here in the middle of nowhere. “Hey, you there?”

His friend stopped mid-rant. “Go back inside and stay there. I’ll get the driver to turn around and come back.”

Watching himself walk inside, Nick laughed and turned to Grace. “It took an hour for them to get back. Traffic jam or some shit. I was so mad at the time. I couldn’t believe they didn’t notice I was gone even if it only was for like ten minutes. Now I think about this and laugh. Because it was funny and I know it wasn’t because they didn’t give a shit.”

Grace chuckled. “They would’ve even if you hadn’t called. And look how furious Kevin got. He always cared so much about you.”

“Then, he did.”

“Why are you so convinced that changed?”

Because he left. Because he abandoned us. The last argument we had was how he couldn’t handle me and my shit anymore. He thought but didn’t say it aloud. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does, everything matters. Stop being so stubborn.” She placed a hand on his shoulder. “At least tell me why you hate thinking about this tour so much, this time. I would think they were mostly good memories for you.”

Nick plopped himself on the ground and sat Indian style. He gazed up at her almost defiantly but there was sadness written clearly in his crystal blue eyes. “Because it was the last.”

“The last what?” She prodded. “I’m not a mind reader.” Well, technically she could but that wouldn’t help. She needed to hear this from Nick himself. So that he could hear his own words and realize how wrong he was, about everything.

“The last time everything was good.” He sighed deeply, running a hand through his messy blonde hair. “We didn’t share a bus during Black and Blue. Everything had started to change. We were on top of the damn world here. Breaking records, destroying the competition, blazing a trail no one could stop. I wasn’t so fucked up then. The world didn’t feel so fucked up then. After this everything got to where it didn’t make sense and it got harder. I started getting the feeling I always got being around my parents.”

“Nothing lasts forever.” She told him gently.

“No, it doesn’t.” He said bitterly as he got back up. “Let’s get the hell outta here.”

Nick didn’t need nor want more reminders of what once was, and what never could be again.

Chapter Five

Rising to the top and staying there is incredible. The fucked up thing is that what comes up, always comes crashing down. When it did I felt like I lost myself. Because they were the only stability I had. Now, like with my parents, that was gone. All that was left was me. I couldn’t handle it.


Grace sat down on the cushions of the luxury private plane and smiled to herself. “This is pretty cozy.”

Nick chose to stand and look around with a simple shrug. Sometimes it felt surreal, knowing all the things he’d done in his career so far. Incredible achievements spanned the list that people wouldn’t even dream of in their lifetimes. Yet he’d done them. He knew he didn’t appreciate them for what they were. Mainly because what he really wanted, so many had and couldn’t even see how amazing that was. He glanced over at her. “It was but not with the way we used it.” He sighed. “And not with the way things were then. Look…”

Her gaze followed his at the scene before them.

“Damn, this is sweet…” AJ whistled lowly.

“Around the world in a hundred hours.” A now twenty year old Nick grumbled, feeling exhausted as he climbed onboard. “Who’s dumbass idea was this again?”

“Watch it.” Kevin reminded him with a nod at the camera crew coming in behind them. Management, Jive specifically, loved the idea of this trip being aired for the fans. There was going to be a video, it was gonna be turned into a special for MTV Diary. It was a huge media blitzkrieg to help launch their Black and Blue album. The idea was that if it had the upmost attention, sales would be able to top those set by NSYNC’s No Strings Attached which had broke the first week sales record set by Millennium. While it hadn’t outsold the album over all worldwide, not even close, so far, the media didn’t care about that.

Kevin started exploring immediately. “This is the way to travel right here y’all…daaaannng…”

AJ was following Kevin further into the plane and most of the cameras had chosen to follow the two of them. It was a relief mainly because they were getting enough press about the boyband rivalry.

“Let’s see NSYNC top this.” Brian cracked before plugging his nose and wailing. “Guess what, it’s gonna be meeeeeee.”

“A little more nose.” Howie chimed in. “He sings like he always has a cold.”

Suddenly they could hear shouting before Nick could comment. “HOLY SHIT! Rok you gotta come see this toilet man! It’s like a reclinable chair!”

“I’m coming!” Glancing around, Brian snatched a camera and stared down into it. “AJ’s just so excited.” He whirled it back around and followed the sound of AJ’s voice. “Look at this! It just keeps on going! It’s an energizer bunny!”

Now that only Nick and Howie were in the room, Nick stretched out on the couch. “Wake me when we’re finally wherever the hell we’re going first.”

His friend frowned, deciding to sit on the younger one’s legs. “What’s wrong? You’re pretty crabby today.”

“The fact I’m up at asscrack of dawn isn’t enough?” Nick retorted, his voice muffled by the cushion he pulled over his head.

“Nope.” Howie smirked down at him. “Not when we know there’s more to it than that.”

Nick sighed; trying to move but of course couldn’t with the tiny Latin man sitting on him. Well, he could throw him off but that wasn’t worth the effort because he really was tired. Howie asking what’s wrong was such a loaded question though. He was living in Florida again rather than LA, having had more than enough of his family. He bought them a freaking compound basically and then they get upset when he decides they need to make their own money. Suddenly he’s a horrible son. He was never enough. Why wasn’t he ever enough? He’d been working ever since he was thirteen and yet, he felt like a failure despite everything he’s accomplished.

Not to mention once again, he was single. For what felt like the millionth time he’d gotten into an argument with Mandy. Mandy who wanted nothing more than to be known the way he was. He understood that fire, that passion. He didn’t see her as a gold digger or a fame whore the way so many fans seemed to. At least from what he saw on fan sites when he got bored. Kevin hated her. AJ got along with her alright. Howie was indifferent and Brian, well…Brian didn’t care about much of anything now that he was married to Leighanne. Or Yoko, his personal name for her.

If the group ever broke up he knew it’d be because of their Yoko.

Brian had changed ever since he met her. It’d been a slow process sure, but the closer he got, the more distant they became. Suddenly Brian didn’t care about Nick anymore. The person who was once his best friend didn’t have time. Leighanne hated him since day one of course. When he needed advice, the person he always went to wasn’t there. He couldn’t go to Kevin because Kevin’s advice was to dump Mandy and move on. That he deserved better. But Nick, well, Nick knew he didn’t. He was too much of a screw-up.

“There’s not.”

“Don’t push me away Nicky.”

Knowing Howie wouldn’t leave him alone till the cameras came back or he fessed up, Nick sighed again. “Fine. I’m sick of fighting with my family. They see me as their ATM and then act shocked when I tell them they maxed out their limits. But hey, it’s fine. I’m sure my mom is doing just fine.” He rolled his eyes. “She’s probably leeching off of Aaron some more and filling his head with how I’m her fuckup son who doesn’t give two shits. Or she’s selling the latest argument to the National Enquirer. Upside of this vacation from hell is that I ain’t gonna see it till we’re back in the states.”

His friend frowned, his long straightened hair falling into his face. “Nick, it’s gonna be okay. You have us and…”

“I know. I’m okay.” He didn’t want to hear it though so he forced a smile. Over the years it’d become a refined skill.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. Hey D, when you gonna cut your damn hair?” Nick snickered. “You look like a Jesus impersonator.”

“That’s it!” He cried playfully and immediately grabbed at his neck. Nick squealed. It was his most sensitive spot and he hated how the fellas always exploited it.

Present Day Nick shook his head as he watched the others come back in, acting as if nothing was wrong. Like they were all one happy family and everything was as it seemed. “Funny thing is Grace; they had to edit a lot out. If The Firm hadn’t had our backs then, a lot of our dirty laundry would’ve been thrown out the window.”

“Because it wasn’t like this.” It wasn’t a question.

“No.” He crossed his arms. “Brian and I were barely fucking talking. Kevin was worried but he hated Mandy so I didn’t go to him the way I used to. He was right but hell I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, let alone me. AJ was a train wreck. I can’t remember how he managed to get out of having his alcohol abuse counselor on board but he did. It probably helped him hit rock bottom next year. Howie was the only stable one to me then and,” He shrugged. “I always felt like he was getting sick of it. Fans don’t see it but Howie always saw the stuff no one else did. He saw through me like I was made of glass. It pissed me off.” Nick smirked a little. “We were always fighting and it took a lot of creative edits to keep it out. That’s why they used practically the same footage for the specials, the video, MTV Diary…cause there wasn’t much they could keep without fucking up our image.”

“Why don’t we move on to one of those moments then?” It was a suggestion but Nick also knew he couldn’t say no.

He wished, like he did back then, that the image they portrayed to the world during that album had actually been real.

*****

Grace pulled Nick off into a corner of a pretty posh lobby. “Don’t get too close. Sometimes the distance prevents anyone for sensing an extra presence.”

“You think they could?”

“They haven’t yet but as crazy as this time period was and how out of it AJ is, I’m not risking it.” The jump was a bit of lengthy one. They were well into the Black and Blue tour, sometime during 2001 though watching his younger self he couldn’t put a finger on the date.

“Where the hell is AJ?” Kevin shouted as they waited in the hotel lobby.

The group was getting ready for their soundchecks and everything so that tonight everything would run smooth. It was about noon and Nick could feel his stomach grumbling. Later on he was so getting a pizza. The night they were in Boston and so far this tour had been huge. Amphitheaters had become the norm and oddly enough Nick found himself missing the smaller venues. He felt like they connected with the fans better back then. Obviously no one else outside the group felt that way so what did they know?

Today was one of the few days they’d gotten to crash in a hotel rather than on their busses. That was the other thing this cycle. Everything was separate. No one shared a bus; there was no feeling of family. Each of them were on their own. The others had their family or loved ones with them often during the tour. Nick had no one.

“How am I supposed to know?” Nick muttered, checking his phone. No calls from Mandy. Didn’t she miss him? He missed her. They’d been back together for a couple months now. Plenty of messages left from his mother however. Some apologizing, others yelling at him for being a horrible son. He deleted those.

Brian was on his cell phone, talking to Leighanne. “No baby, of course I miss you.” Pause. “I know but why don’t you meet up with me on tour again? Then…”

Nick hadn’t even realized Kevin had stormed out till he glanced around. “Shit. Where’s Kev?”

Howie glanced over; it was easy to see he wasn’t comfortable with any of this. “He went to go find AJ.”

“Shit. I don’t want to be him right now.”

“I’m fucking fine Kevin! Get off my ass!” AJ was shouting from down the hallway.

Nick walked over with a frown, not really thinking about what he was doing. He wasn’t so convinced AJ had a problem. Now that he was twenty-one he drank and partied too. Sure, unlike AJ he never got drunk before going on stage. Or high. When he did pot it was well after their performances when he wanted to forget things. But even then it wasn’t that bad. He wasn’t his parents. As the two youngest of the group, AJ and Nick understood each other. So, maybe it wasn’t that bad. Kevin did have a tendency to blow things up sometimes.

“The hell I will! You have a fucking responsibility here! Now you can come down on time, and let’s try sober. Maybe then I won’t have to treat you like a five year old!”

“You treat everyone like a five year old! You’re not my father Kevin!”

“I’m the closest thing you got because your father doesn’t give a shit!”

Whoa. Kevin crossed the line. Nick stepped between the two. “Guys, stop for a minute-”

“No Nick! He needs to hear this!” Kevin pushed forward. “I thought you were serious about getting it together! About getting help! Isn’t that what you told me before that little league game? Before you decided to quit for five seconds? Wasn’t that why we hired that counselor to go with us on tour? Instead you ditch her every chance you get like a fucking child!”

That was news to Nick though part of him wasn’t surprised at being out of the loop. Again.

“Fuck this group and fuck you!”

Caught in the middle it was hard to tell what happened. Both men were fighting in a moment of rage. Nick did his best to try and keep them apart. He couldn’t have this happen. His family did this. Fought, threw things, got violent and then the cops were called. The group, the fellas, they were supposed to be his escape from that. They always had been since that fateful day Brian flew down from Kentucky. He had to stop it somehow. AJ grabbed him and threw him aside. Somehow his hand twisted forcefully in the process. The three could hear the crystal clear snap as his hand broke and Nick crumpled to the floor, holding his hand to his chest. “Fuck! What the hell did I do to you!?”

Both men immediately rushed beside him, their anger forgotten. “Nick are you alright?”

“Shit man I’m sorry…”

“To hell with the both of you!”Tears shone in his eyes but they didn’t fall. He learned long ago that crying for a broken family did nothing.

The scene faded away and the two were sounded by relative darkness, a void though it was comforting rather than scary. A light with no true source illuminated the pair so that they could see each other. Grace could see how upsetting it was to face this again and she reached over to squeeze his hand. “I know seeing that wasn’t easy.”

“Why the hell are you showing me that? To remind me how the only other family I knew fell apart?”

“Life isn’t just the ups, it’s the downs too and how you face them.” She said softly.

“I didn’t face them.” Nick admitted. “I ran away from them, and the group.”

“I know. And that’s what we’re off to see next.”

Chapter Six

Breaking away from the others was the worst thing I could’ve done. I didn’t find myself like everyone led me to believe. Instead I lost what little sense of self I still had and found myself surrounded by the same demons that chased AJ. Only with me, I knew how to hide it better. No one knew that I was already drowning right before their eyes.


Nick sat down beside, well, himself. The differences weren’t as drastic as this was only four years ago and he remembered this far better than he wanted to admit. Grace was on his other side and there they observed completely unbeknownst to anyone else. Apparently there must only be a danger when someone isn’t completely lucid as was the case with AJ during the last stop. Nick glanced at the Guardian curiously.

“This day? Why?”

She shushed him and motioned for him to listen.

Jive’s CEO, Barry Weiss, smiled charmingly at the twenty two year old Nickolas Carter as he slid a stack of papers towards him. Nick looked at everyone, evidently a bit confused. “Where’s the others? You guys said you wanted a meeting.”

“We do.” One of the female executives replied, patting down her curly black hair. “But with you.”

A brow quirked as his fingers tapped the table impatiently. Why the hell would they want a meeting with him? He was the one the executives tried to avoid. Mainly because of his recklessness and his attention span. He got chewed out immensely last month when he got arrested at that nightclub. He didn’t see the big deal. Nick had been out with Bean and a few others, they partied and when this guy gave him hell for being a Backstreet Boy, he hadn’t backed down. How was he supposed to know he’d been friends with security and they’d have him arrested within the hour? The cop had been a jerk too, purposely keeping him in holding longer so they could mock the “pathetic washed up ex-backdoor boy”. Even now it made him want to hit things.

Instead of voicing his thoughts he just shrugged. “Why?”

Barry chuckled to himself. “Why? Because Nick, you’re the star of the Backstreet Boys. You know that, don’t you?”

He found himself frowning. “There’s no star…we’re all equal.”

“Are you sure?” The female, Janet, asked as she twirled a curl around her finger. “Nick think about it. You get the most media, the most attention; merchandise with your face attached sells the most. Face it doll, you’re the most popular.”

It felt hard to believe. Despite everything he still felt like that poor kid from Ruskin, Florida who lived out his car for a short while. That kid everyone loved to pick on and beat up if they got the chance. Awkward Nick who’d get lectured on getting the dance steps right, or always too fat like he’d hear in the past couple years. Nick who just couldn’t get it together. He was the one who hated being on break from performing. The others seemed so damn happy. AJ was working on himself, Brian was happy cause it meant more time with Leighanne, Howie was going around buying buildings, and Kevin was auditioning for Broadway last he heard. Then there was him. He’d party around with Bean and a few others and crash at his house. Every day the same thing but the difference between that and touring is that he didn’t feel alive. None of it felt real to him. He was simply going through the motions.

“You’re really offering me a solo deal?” He asked again.

Barry grinned at him, sliding a contract down the table. “We insist.”

“What about the group? We were supposed to start recording…” In two months. Nick was practically counting down the days.

“You can do both.”

Nick started looking through the contract having learned the basics of what he dubbed as “legalese”. He grinned to himself cause so far everything was looking really good. “You know I can’t sign this without my man lookin’ at it.” He’d learned from Lou how easily it was to get screwed over.”But you’re gonna fund a tour and everything?”

“What’s the point of doing it if you don’t do it right? You’ll have six months to get your album together. We can find you a backing band or you can put one together, we’ll start putting your music video together as soon as we decide on the tracklist and a single.”

“It sounds fucking awesome.” Suddenly, it was like he’d found the answer of how he’d survive without the Backstreet Boys.

Grace turned to her charge. “You look really happy here.”

The other Nick snorted. “Because I didn’t know what I was doing. It sounded great. I could make the music I wanted and hadn’t been able to do, because I loved what we did as a group but I could show another side ya know? I thought the fellas would be proud of me and I’d find a way to get my shit together. I wasn’t drinking or anything when I toured cause I got my highs naturally. I didn’t think about much else.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I should’ve.”He shifted his gaze away. “I thought the record company really believed in me. All they saw was a fucking cash cow to put up against Afro-Boy."

“So you stopped binging that night?”

He snorted, walking out of the office while the meeting continued, knowing the angel would follow. “Hell no, I partied till five in the morning cause I wanted to celebrate.”

Her voice was gentle. “You didn’t see anything wrong with that?”

“Everyone parties. I’m not AJ. AJ couldn’t keep a handle on it. He was performing high, he was showing up drunk to photo shoots and shit. It’s incredible no one caught on till we admitted it. And we were backed into a goddamn corner. We knew he had to do rehab and we couldn’t tour without him.” Nick sighed, gazing up at the clear blue sky. “I wondered sometimes if we admitted it for the fans or if we admitted it because we knew we didn’t have another choice, that bullshitting wouldn’t work.” He shrugged. “I still wonder why Kevin didn’t quit then. Why did he wait so damn long?”

Grace took his hand. “Come on, there’s something else you should see.”

Somehow, someway, she had to make him understand. To see what he’d been blind to for so long.

****

Immediately they appeared in Kevin’s room and Nick pulled away. “I know what you’re doing and hell no. I don’t want to see this.”

“I want you to trust me.”

He plopped on to one of Kevin’s creamy leather couches and watched as his younger self walked through the door. Kristin led him to the kitchen area not too far from where the other two were watching, only to see the other four members of the group waiting for them. Instead of being angry though, Nick smiled at them. He looked excited and energetic.

“I know, I know, I’m late.”He was a little twitchy, unable to keep still. “So, the next album. Are we still thinking like we were last year?”

Brian however didn’t look happy. None of the others did. Howie looked as neutral as possible, his expression calm and thoughtful. “No we can’t do the album. Jive put us on hold!”

The other blonde blinked with surprise. “What? Why? We’ve had this planned for months?”

AJ rolled his eyes, almost slamming his coffee cup on the counter. “Because their prized pig has a solo album to put out first! When the hell were you gonna tell us you were recording behind our backs?!”

“Hey fellas, we agreed we’d be calm about this…”

“To hell with calm Kevin, I wanna know too.” His cousin retorted.

Nick was hurt; those who knew him best could see it clearly. But it was as if a mask went over him because that look was wiped out of his eyes within an instant. His face contorted with rage. “I wanted to surprise you guys when it was done! I was told we’d be able to do the group album as I wrapped up my album which I’m doing right now! How was I supposed to know they’d pull this?!”

Howie took a deep breath before answering. “We filed a lawsuit and you refused to be a part of it. That’s why we thought you knew about this. Why didn’t you join when we sent it to you?”

“Maybe because I don’t see a problem. Management is handling me just fine. No one asked my opinion. Y’all think I’m some little kid who can’t handle himself. Oh Nick the fuckup here he comes, better not ask Nick, he’s too stupid! Isn’t that right?!”

“Maybe you are that stupid if you really believed Jive wanted you to do a solo album for your own good! It’s pretty damn easy to see they’re using you to break us up.”

“Fuck you!”

“Forget it AJ.” Brian said. “He’s gotta learn the hard way. Always does. Maybe we won’t be there to fall back on this time when you screw up again Nick!”

“Why don’t you get your wife some more plastic surgery instead of blaming me for everything!” Nick glared at him. “Hell we used to be friends till she decided she’d hop on your ass and play gold-digger. She’s a fucking Yoko. I ain’t gonna break up the group, she is!”

“What did you just say?” Brian shook his head before Nick could respond. “Forget it, why don’t you just grow up! The world doesn’t revolve around you no matter how many fans tell you it does!”

Kevin stepped between them before things got ugly. “Look, calm down. Nick, maybe you should just back off the solo record, just for a bit. That way we can get things settled and then…”

Nick glared at the man he once looked up to more than anyone. “You really agree with them don’t you? Fuck it, I don’t have to be here and hear this!” He headed for the front door. “If you want an album record without me! I don’t give a damn!”

“Nicky wait…”

“DON’T CALL ME NICKY!” He shouted and the next thing anyone would hear was the door slamming with a sense of finality behind him.

The remaining Nick went to follow but Grace pulled him back. “No, this is what you should’ve seen.”

Kevin whirled around on Brian and AJ. “What the hell was that? The plan was to figure out how he got pulled into this. Not to accuse him right off and get him angry. What good did you think that was gonna do?”

“Oh come on Kev, you don’t honestly believe he had no clue Jive was using him to screw us over.”

Howie was leaning against the wall, shaking his head. “I did. Come on, this is Nick. He goes crazy when we’re not touring. Jive offering him a chance to keep himself busy with music is like a golden ticket. Did you see how happy he was to be here cause he thought we’d be starting to work things out again for the next album?”

Brian rolled his eyes, taking a sip of coffee. “I also saw how defensive he got when you brought up the lawsuit. He knew. He’s just being a selfish asshole. The way he’s been ever since the world stopped revolving around him.” He swallowed some more before continuing. “He got that way about me because of Leighanne, he got the way when AJ went into rehab…”

“He didn’t get like that when I married Kristin.” Kevin pointed out.

“And he’s getting like it again cause he got what he wanted and hates that we’re mad.” He continued, ignoring Kevin.

“He’ll fail and then he’ll come back.” AJ said smugly.

“You want him to fail?” Howie asked with a brow raised. “Why would you want that?”

“It’ll teach him a damn lesson.”

“I hope he succeeds.” Kevin told the others firmly. “Maybe then he’ll finally see what we always did. God, you guys better find a way to support him.”

“What about the album?” It was a valid question, even if Kevin was in no mood to hear it from Brian. He considered pointing out the fact he completely ignored the thought of supporting Nick but decided to let things cool down first.

Howie answered instead however, forever the peacemaker of the group. “How about we start getting songs together and working, but we don’t finalize anything till Nick’s ready.”

“We could do it without him.”

A pair of intense jade green eyes met AJ firmly. “We didn’t move on without you and to hell if we’re gonna do it without Nick.”

“I say we keep our options over it.”

“Why don’t we talk about this later when your head isn’t up your ass?” Kevin finally snapped at him. “Right now all we’re gonna do is fight and be stupid.”

Some grumbling followed but the subject finally shifted to something else and Grace watched Nick curiously. “You look surprised.”

Nick shook his head, staring at the scene with surprise as AJ and Brian left soon after. “I didn’t know Kevin was that defensive of me. I always thought that Dirty Little Secrets album was their way of showing me that they didn’t need me. When I learned about it…” He laughed but it wasn’t a happy sound. “I went home and did a shitload of stuff to try and forget that no one really needed me.”

“Kevin saw you as his little brother, that never changed. They all loved you. AJ and Brian were just hurt.”

“The day my album came out, I was so proud even with Jive meddling with the tracklist behind my back. Because I did it all on my own. Then I heard the interviews Brian did calling my album a joke. During the tour AJ showed up and I heard him at a club after saying how he didn’t think I’d be so bad.” He looked broken, so broken, in that moment. “But on my release day Kevin called me up, left a message of him singing I Got You and telling me how proud he was. Howie surprised me on the set for Help Me.”

“Families fight, but they stick by you.”

“Not my family.”

Grace smiled at him. “Like we’ve both learned, it’s not always blood that makes a family.”

Before Nick could answer, Kevin and Howie got his attention once more. Kevin had pulled out a bag of potato chips and the two were snacking. Somehow this had turned into a secondary meeting now that the other two had left. Now or Never had damaged his once unbreakable friendship with Brian almost beyond repair. Nick knew to his own present day that damage hadn’t been undone. He wondered if it ever would be.

If he planned to live, anyway.

“So what do we do about this?”

“We support him as best as we can. I’m worried about him.”

“You’re not the only one.”

“Now if the other two could stop seeing beyond themselves they’d realize Nick needs this. He needs us. No matter what he says.”

“Fat chance of that, they’re too mad.” Howie sighed. “This is a mess.”

“You’re telling me. But we can’t help if he doesn’t know we’re there. So we gotta keep reminding him that we are, and that we’re not going anywhere.” Kevin smiled. “He’ll never admit it, but it’s what he wants most.”

Kevin, you always knew. Nick thought as he started to leave. Always.

And he missed that feeling more than he’d ever realized before.

Chapter Seven

During the making of “Never Gone”, I knew I was completely broken. The music industry now considered us a joke. Jive was trying to ruin us at every turn. People thought I was scum, a woman beater, based on nothing but lies from someone I thought I loved. My life had become a living hell no matter how I acted otherwise. And yet, it was our most creative time musically. It was also our freefall back to the bottom.


Nick smirked to himself before plopping down at an end of the table he knew none of those who were actually there in the real sense for January 28th, 2004 would sit. Grace was suddenly absent but that was okay for now. The memories this time weren’t bad per say though they weren’t exactly good, either. It was funny but he remembered not being remotely bothered by the idea of working on his birthday. Mainly because as cruelly predicted by both AJ and Brian, his solo project had failed. He’d proven nothing yet at the same time had been putting off the reunion despite how badly he wanted it. Getting the phone call from Brian of all people a few months ago about Oprah had sparked a chain reaction that led to all five realizing something had been missing. A light that only performing together seemed to bring. Neither this self or his past one would ever admit it, but even solo it didn’t have that same sense of satisfaction.

Could by why he partied every night after the show.

It didn’t matter though because he could control it. The others wouldn’t know.

The others came in pretty timely of course. Twenty five year old Nick strolled in twenty minutes with a sheepish look at his face. “Don’t say it Kev, I know, I’m late.”

He still earned the look he’d long ago dubbed as the Dirty Brow.

Howie laughed, sliding him a cup of coffee he’d picked up from Starbucks for everyone. He was just happy Nick came in without being hung-over. It was becoming a common occurrence ever since Paris Hilton had entered his life. “Here, drink and he can lecture you later.”

The blonde grinned as he grabbed Howie’s cheek and loudly kissed it before sitting down with his coffee. “How’d you know I overslept?”

AJ snorted. “When do you not?”

Brian grinned. “When you wake up and get to a meeting on time it’s a sign the end is near.”

“Pretty sure that’s not in the bible.”

“It’s in the fine print.”

While things with Brian weren’t the same, they had gotten better. It was that their friendship had become more of a professional one. No more meeting up on days off. Or random visits when they weren’t touring. Their friendship existed when they were working. It was something but only a fraction of what their bond used to be. Nick wondered if he was more like Brian, didn’t get arrested, if maybe things would’ve been different. Another example of his failures, he supposed.

“Alright kids, time to work.” But Kevin was grinning. In his hand was a list of the songs they’d recorded so far. It seemed like they worked with everyone possible so far. The Underdogs, Boyz II Men, Five For Fighting, so many people wanted to work with them. It felt incredible. They were working songs they’d written, more than ever. It was something they almost didn’t want to see end.

Almost.

“So we have our list of songs we gotta narrow it down to.”

“What about Jive’s request who go record some songs with Max?” Brian pointed out, bringing up the latest in problems. For whatever reason those at the label had insisted they work with Dr. Luke and Max Martin, just in case. In case of what, it wasn’t clear. True this would’ve been the first album they went without recording with their longtime friend but so far they’d hit their stride this album. It felt like it was truly theirs. “I don’t think they’re satisfied with anything we have.”

“Fuck them.” The youngest member said casually. “We were promised some real freedom and we’re gonna use it.” He still remembered how badly they’d meddled with Now or Never and still hadn’t forgiven them. That whole project was like a heartache that wouldn’t quite leave.

“We’ll get to that later. We gotta figure out what songs we’re cutting first anyway, what songs we’ll fine tune today when the producers show up in a couple hours and…”A knock of the door caused Kevin’s infamous brows to furrow. “The hell?”

AJ shrugged. “Don’t look at me. The only one who knew I’d be here today was my mom.” She was still protective especially now that he was diving back into music post-rehab. Still he hadn’t slipped up yet even though he’d just broken up with his most recent in his line of girlfriends, Katie.

A glance went towards Howie who just smirked in response.

“Leighanne’s back in Atlanta with Baylee.”

Nick shrugged. “Why’s everyone looking at me now?” Groaning, he got up and went towards the door at the end of the small meeting room at the recording studio they’d reserved for the day. “Paris isn’t really into the whole behind the scenes of music.” He glanced back before opening the door. “I think if she had her way I’d be out of the business completely if she didn’t think I’d go completely nuts.”

“You’re already there!” Howie cracked.

His response faded away when his girlfriend was on the other side. She was smiling her trademark smile that’d helped her use a humiliating sex tape as a way to fame. Kevin however was glaring. He’d never been able to hide his feelings for the spoiled heiress though he’d always been respectful mainly as a favor to Nick.

“Paris, you’ll have to come back later. We’re working and…”

“But it’s important.” She replied in that baby voice. “I have a surprise for Nick’s birthday.”

Nick couldn’t help but smile.”Really? Baby, that’s sweet of you but you didn’t have to.”

The other four shared a look before Kevin sighed. “Alright but it can’t be long.”

Motioning behind her two camera crews along with several paparazzi flooded the room moments after she picked up a cake from the table. The cake was beautiful, lovingly made and frosted from one of the finer bakeries in Los Angeles. It also had the smiling face of Paris Hilton staring up at them. AJ coughed, trying to hide back a laugh at the ridiculous. Howie was texting away on his phone probably as a distraction. Flashes were practically blinding them as Nick struggled for a response.

Brian smiled. “That’s…different.”

Nick forced a smile, unhappy with all the people, cameras, and attention as Paris set the cake down on their meeting table beside some papers before wrapping her arms around him. “Do you like it?”

No. Because I thought you were trying to surprise me. This feels like a publicity stunt. Are you using me too? Like everyone else I’ve ever met? I thought you were different. That you understood. None of those thoughts were voiced aloud however. He simply smiled some more before nodding. “Of course I do.”

But for the first time so far, Nick was wondering if everything in their relationship was what it seemed.

Grace appeared behind the older Nick and nodded at the scene. “I don’t think anything needs to be said.”

“I thought I loved her.” He admitted. “That’s why I had her name tattooed on me. But I don’t think she ever knew what love was. And then…she took my feelings for her and stabbed me in the back with em.”

“I know.” The guardian told him softly. “That’s where we’re going next.”

*****

“I don’t wanna go out Kevin.”

“Come on, you can come with me and Kristin, it’ll be a good night.” Even over the phone Nick could hear that tone where he knew it would be useless to argue. Still, he couldn’t help but try to anyway. Ever since the breakup he’d been living like a virtual hermit, living on the internet with his computer games and random lurking moments at LiveDaily.

“Oh so third wheel. That sounds funtastic.”

“Funtastic.”

“Sarcasm Kev, geeze.”

“So we’ll meet you at the Spider Bar.”

He sighed. “Do I get to say no?”

“No.”

Another sigh. “Fine. Whatever.”

“On the bright side, at least Paris will never crash one of our recording sessions with a cake featuring her face and accompanied by all those paparazzi again.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. That had been way over the top and one of the many things he’d be glad to be beyond. Unlike his ex-girlfriend, he hated being in the spotlight when he wasn’t performing. His private life should stay private. But when you were dating Paris Hilton, even the idea of that was a complete impossibility. Only, why couldn’t he find someone? Howie was still head over heels with Leigh even if that wasn’t public knowledge, Kevin had Kristin, and Brian had Leighanne. He’d never tell the others but he wanted what they had. That sense of security knowing someone loved you. He didn’t believe in marriage, but he did believe in that.

Whether or not he believed it would ever be in the cards for him was another thing entirely.

“Alright I’ll go willingly, how’s that?”

“Good, Kristin misses you. See you soon.”

Admittedly Nick missed Kristin too. As he got up and forced himself out of the camo pants he liked to use as a second skin, he mused upon his relationship with the one wife he really got along with. He liked Leigh, Howie’s girlfriend, as well though she wasn’t married to him yet. The two might as well be, but not officially. It was funny though when one compared the two women who’d been in their “Backstreet world” the longest. Kristin was practically the polar opposite of Leighanne. In the same way Kevin was a big brother, Kristin was his big sister. She understood the bond the four men shared and never once tried to interfere. Maybe it was because she’d been there since practically the beginning of their careers, Nick wasn’t sure.

It didn’t matter. Maybe tonight he could try not thinking about Paris and the how she’d broken his heart. The list of women who did that was getting to be a bit lengthy. Not something most would expect from Nick Carter, the Backstreet Boy. However it was definitely something that wimpy kid who loved to sing knew he’d have coming. It traced all the way back to his own poor excuse for a mother. Someone who’d been betraying him since before he even became a household name. He headed to the club, determined not to let Paris or her fame obsessed ways destroy yet another night for him.

She wasn’t worth it. If she was, I wouldn’t have been shown off as a trophy for the media all the time.

Watching himself after he’d met up with his two friends, Nick smiled a little. “I needed this escape and he’d known that.”

Grace nodded as she tucked a curl behind her ear. “Big brothers usually do.”

His voice grew softer, sadder. “You know he never doubted me. Not even once. Brian…he didn’t fully believe me at first. But Kevin never wavered. He’d say all he needed was the look on my face when I heard the rumors to know I’d never lay a hand on her.”

“Just because Brian’s faith was shaken doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Just…I want to enjoy this.” Because for the most part, oddly enough, it ended up in the end being a fun night. At least before everything felt apart. In that moment Nick watched his younger counterpart dancing with Kristin to the music while Kevin laughed and took photos.

Playfully he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. “Hey Kevin, you sure I can’t borrow her?”

He mock glared at his surrogate baby brother. “I told you a hundred times you can’t have sex with my wife!”

“Sharing is supposed to be caring Kevin!” He grinned cheekily. “Didn’t you learn that in kindergarten
dude?”

A roll of his eyes followed.

“Aww babe, I don’t mind keeping him.” Kristin teased, pinching Nick’s cheek. Her pretty blue eyes were sparkling impishly as she blew a stray lock of golden hair out of her face.

“Ha! See she wants me.”

Kevin laughed, pushing him lightly. “In your dreams. I think you’ve had too many if you think I’m gonna let you take her home with you. Or if you think you’re coming back with us.”

Nick smirked. “Guess I’ll let you have her for the night then.”

She kissed his cheek. “If I ever left him it’d be for you.”

“Ha!”

“Don’t encourage him.” But there was too much laughter in the mix for him to be taken seriously.

The trio headed outside, arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders. It was the first night since last week’s breakup where Nick had forgotten about his ex-girlfriend completely. He hadn’t been debating calling her or trying to come up with ways for her to take him back. Which was funny since for once, he’d been the one to dump her. He told her he felt like her latest publicity stunt and there were never any moments without cameras around anymore. But after the argument that had ensued, he’d been second guessing himself ever since.

Once they got outside however there was a mob scene. Nothing but brightly flashing lights and people yelling to get their attention. To Nick it was a nightmare. He’d thought they would back down now that Paris wasn’t his girlfriend anymore. Mainly because for the past week that fact had been absolutely true. While far from D-List, he wasn’t at the top of the A-List without her and he was okay with that. In fact he was happier about it than he would’ve thought before he became single again. But this, this was worse than anything he’d dealt with.

Because of what the paparazzi were yelling.

“NICK! NICK!”

“How do you explain Paris Hilton’s bruises?”

Nick blinked, his eyes wide as saucers. “What?!”

“Are you denying the allegations that you hurt Paris Hilton?”

He couldn’t form a complete thought let alone a sentence. “I…what?”

“How does it feel now that the world knows you’re a woman beater?”

“Do you think her family will press charges?”

Nick finally gained enough composure to respond. “No! I didn’t touch her!”

“Do you think your fans will believe you?”

“Why were you so angry you had to hit her?!”

Kevin glared at all the paparazzi and shoved them aside after pulling Nick close. “Ignore those assholes.” He whispered in his ear, trying to fight his way through. His other hand grasped his wife’s as he tried to get to their car as fast as he could. The photographers merely followed. Their questions as relentless as they were heartless. “I’m gonna get to the bottom of this. Don’t you worry little bro.”

“Is it because she’s more famous than you?”

“Do you regret leaving so many marks on her?”

“That is enough!” Kevin roared before whirling around on them as Kristin and Nick climbed into the car. “You vultures get the hell away from him! I don’t know what Paris or her friends are leaking to the tabloids but he says he didn’t hurt her, so he didn’t hurt her.”

“Kevin! Do you really believe Nick or are you trying to cover for the group’s image?”

He stared them down, stepping forward. “I believe him. Now get the hell out of here! Go stalk someone else for your garbage. If not the first call I’m making is to my lawyers for libel, you got it?!” He got in the vehicle and glanced at Nick.

Kristin wisely sat in the back knowing her husband was the best one to help in that moment. She was doing her best to comfort him from where he was. “It’s gonna be okay. You’re not that person sweetie, I know you’re not. Okay?”

Nick stayed silent unable to say anything in response.

Flashes were still going off outside but Kevin ignored them as he turned towards his friend. “Hey, you alright?”

His face was in his hands and his voice wavered the tears he was fighting so desperately to hold back. “Why were they saying that? I never would’ve hurt Paris. I loved her. She didn’t love me.”

Kevin pulled him against him in a tight bear hug. “I don’t know. But I believe you. I know you wouldn’t hurt her.” Even if she deserves it now were the words unspoken. “We’ll find out whatever is going on and get her to stop. I promise you that.”

For the first time in years Nick cried against him. “You really believe me? I didn’t hurt her. I wouldn’t. My…” He shook his head. “You know how my family is. I’d never, never lay a hand on anyone I dated.”

“Yeah, I do. And I’m gonna be here for you, no matter what.” He rubbed his back in soothing circles. “You can crash at our place tonight. Tomorrow morning we’ll call PR and figure out what to do next. I won’t let her destroy you.”

Grace turned towards her companion. Nick’s face was a window to a swirling tornado of mixed emotions. “He meant that you know.”

“I know. I do. Just…if he did then, why did he leave?” He asked, almost pleadingly as she led him away.

“That’s why I’m here, so you can see, and so you can understand.” There was more to it but now wasn’t the time. That would be later when his choices were facing him. She had one more card to play but she was hoping she wouldn’t have to. That perhaps maybe, just maybe, these memories and visions of the past would be enough to sway him. But she wasn’t sure.

Nick wouldn’t say it but a small part of him hoped that in some way, Grace really would help him see why. He wanted to know, to understand. Because Kevin’s departure was the last string of hope Nick had clung to. When he left, it snapped completely. It was only natural that his spirit had followed.

Chapter Eight

When Kevin told us he couldn’t do this anymore, I think I was the angriest. It was the biggest betrayal. I lost the only man who tried his best to raise me when my parents failed over and over again. Now, he’d abandoned me too. The one person who’d been there through everything. In that moment it felt like everything he’d ever told me was a lie. And suddenly, I stopped caring about everything and everyone. In a life filled with broken promises, it feels like nothing matters.


It’d started off so simply. It was towards the end of the Never Gone tour, the second to last show actually. Kevin had asked if they could meet somewhere on their day off. The others agreed. Lately Kevin seemed so stressed and aggravated. Nothing anyone did seemed right and more fights were happening. It reminded Nick of Black and Blue just before AJ finally hit rock bottom and went to rehab. Now, well, AJ was still making some questionable choices, such as dating their barely legal opening act Kaci Brown. But he was staying sober and that in and of itself was an accomplishment.

So the five of them were eating dinner at this local café. No one had recognized them so things weren’t as bad as they could be. Their album was their lowest selling one yet; no one wanted to hear Backstreet Boys try to play at singing pop/rock. At least that was what all the critics were saying. Normally no one would care because the sales and charts would state otherwise. Except this time that wasn’t the case. MTV refused to really advertise them beyond their first single because “Boybands are done, and so you will be too”. Jive hadn’t let them put the songs they wanted. Towards their release date, three months before, they demanded they change the direction.

Suddenly “organic” and “rnb” became “pop/rock” with a song that sounded so similar to Kelly Clarkson’s new single Kevin had almost punched his fist into a wall after another meeting with the label. Management reminded them they didn’t have much room to go against them. Their contract stated that Jive had the right to release the albums when they saw fit. That could mean now, or it could mean ten years from now. So in the end the five of them were forced to go along with it. Their sole act of rebellion was the fact Nick and Howie snagged the cds with unused demos and purposely leaked as many songs as possible onto the internet using Nick’s fake screen names on the popular fan forum LiveDaily.

At least the music wasn’t completely wasted. Someone would hear them and enjoy them.

“Alright Kev, what’s this about?” Howie asked between bites.

He sighed, looking nervous. Kevin was never nervous and the observation scared Nick. “Guys, I know things have been really rough in the past couple of years.”

“Between me almost fucking us up completely…”

“AJ, I’m proud of you. I don’t mean that.”

“We all are.” Brian added.

“And my solo album.” He muttered, knowing it was better he said it first.

“Hey, I was just as proud of you by standing by your music Nick.”

The silence that had become typical anytime someone mentioned Now or Never followed. It was a taboo subject these days. He suspected that was mainly because of AJ and Brian. No one wanted to cause another argument despite the fact Brian himself was going to be doing some dates for his Christian record that would be out early next year. Nick thought about calling him out on his hypocrisy but it wasn’t worth it. He was too afraid it would ruin what little hopes he had about getting their friendship back to the way it was. He missed Frick and Frack but also felt like they’d died long ago.

Brian frowned a little, his brow furrowing as he took a long sip from his cocktail. Finally the time had come where AJ felt comfortable enough to allow the guys to drink around him. Most times they avoided doing so but that night it was pretty clear to see something was up. So all of them with the exception of the recovering alcoholic had opted for some. “Then tell us.”

The words that followed shocked them all.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“Can’t do what anymore?” Nick blurted out. If it’d been anything else they were discussing everyone would’ve started laughing. But it wasn’t.

“This.” His gaze met theirs. “I can’t keep going in the group anymore. We all know I haven’t been happy. It’s been affecting the group, our performances. Even the fans are starting to notice.”

“You’re not saying what I think you’re saying.”

“C’mon don’t get angry…”

“How the fuck did you think I’d react?” AJ retorted, all thoughts of food forgotten.

A glance around told Howie others had noticed the rapidly elevating voices and he motioned for both of them to calm down. “Okay let’s talk this out. Maybe another break after this album-”

“Another break?” Nick laughed but it was far from a happy sound. “We barely survived the last one.”

“I don’t know if another break will fix this.” Kevin explained. It was more complicated than that but a lot of it was tied up in their problems with Jive. As long as they stayed with the label he knew he’d be miserable. He had so many ideas, so many visions, of where the group could go – they all did really. None of them would ever be realized however unless something changed. Jive saw them as a figment of the nineties that didn’t belong anymore. That logic led them to nothing but dead ends and controlling CEOs who wanted them off their label and into oblivion. Especially now that Justin Timberlake was the new thing, and Nick Carter had failed to launch. It was frustrating and infuriating, and even thinking about it Kevin could feel his jaw clenching.

“But it might, right?” Nick asked, breaking him free from his thoughts. His voice, it was subtle but Kevin could hear the earnest tones. The almost silent pleas for him to stay. He hated to do this to him. Even at twenty-six, he knew Nick needed some guidance. He’d tried by giving him a book for his twenty-fourth birthday but both of them knew he hadn’t read it yet. Kevin was watching him self-destruct but there wasn’t anything he could do. AJ he could scare into rehab. Nick would only fall further into waste if he tried that. And there was his own life he needed to think about, selfish as it sounded. Part of him needed to put himself first instead of the four men he knew to be his second family.

Present Day Nick was with Grace at a nearby table, glancing back at the angel inquisitively. “I can hear his train of thought.”

She nodded, taking a bite of the food at the table. It was only when she was working that she could enjoy meals like this. “I figured you needed that in this case. What you’ll see next will explain more but I want you to really see that Kevin wasn’t making this decision lightly.”

He said nothing, and she hoped maybe he was letting it sink in as the events unfolded before them.

“I don’t think it will. But I don’t want this to stop you guys. You can keep recording without me and...”

The younger Nick rolled his eyes and stood up, unable to hear anymore. “Fuck this. We will keep going. And the group will be ten times better without your anal ass screwing everything up. I hope you enjoy being normal.” He threw down his napkin and stormed out. “We don’t need you anyway.” He could be heard muttering on his way out. “We’re better off without you.”

“Nick, wait! We can talk about this.”

“Fuck off!”

“Nick!” Kevin stood, torn as to whether to follow or not. “Don’t do this!”

Nick flipped him off but said nothing else. The four watched him leave but none moved to chase him down.

Howie frowned before turning to Kevin as he sat back down. “I’ll talk to him later, maybe help him see things better. You know he doesn’t mean what he said.”

AJ on the other hand was upset, angry even, but had grown quieter than any of them expected. “You’re really doing this aren’t you?”

“I want you guys to understand. I’m not happy. I’m miserable and everyone knows it. I don’t want to keep bringing you down.” Kevin sighed deeply. He was really worried about Nick. His own hurt feelings didn’t matter. “And maybe one day, if you guys wanted, I could come back if I felt it was right.”

Brian frowned. “So an open ended break.”

“If you felt it was alright.”

Howie glanced between the three of them. “I think that’s fair. We always promised no one would be kicked out or anything. We stuck it out for Nick, and for you AJ…” He looked at Brian. “And we’d do it for you if you’d wanted to focus only on your solo stuff instead of doing both. It’s only right we do it for you man.”

“And it doesn’t mean I won’t be around. Y’all are still my brothers.” He looked at AJ as he said this; wanting the other member who was almost destroyed by fame to really understand this. If Nick couldn’t, he needed AJ to. “That’s why if you guys want to keep going as a group you should. You have my blessing.” He was sincere. He hated even making this choice but there was no other as far he knew.

Dinner was awkward and silent for the rest of the meal. Nick glanced towards Grace with the expectation of being whisked off somewhere else which was now the usual. He wondered how much time had passed for his body. He was still alive. How long would he be? Did he want to stay that way? He didn’t have answers for any of it. Not even the last question. If he wasn’t half dead the thought would’ve likely been a sobering one. As everyone dispersed about after thirty minutes of idle chatter with AJ, Brian and Howie all avoiding the real issue, Grace stood up. He did as well, glancing at her curiously.

“What did watching that show me? Except that I didn’t miss shit.”

She rolled her eyes and started walking. “We were waiting, not watching.”

The pair followed Kevin out and slipped into the back of his Honda Hybrid, because he was forever the environmentalist of course. “We waited so we could stalk Kevin?”

“Basically.”

“Why?”

She nodded towards the front where seemed to be contemplative as he drove. “Because nothing is ever simple. It’s not black or white and there’s more to why he left than you think. As I tried to tell you earlier.”

When they arrived at Kevin’s they followed him inside where he made a beeline for Kristin. She was waiting knowingly in the doorway. Nick frowned at her appearance. Kristin was always cheerful and understanding. This one was tired, worn out, and possibly even depressed. He moved to give her a hug before remembering he was essentially a ghost. He didn’t belong in this time and couldn’t touch anything or do anything. Not without some serious concentration anyway, according to Grace. This had already happened.

“Did you talk to them?”

Kevin nodded with a sigh. “I did. I told them I couldn’t be in the group anymore. I didn’t tell them why just that…I had to take a break.”

She frowned before taking her hands in his, bringing them up to her cheek. “You didn’t have to do that. You could’ve explained. They’re family and they would’ve understood.”

He pulled away. “No. I couldn’t put this on them. Nick’s still trying to figure everything out. AJ’s still working on being sober. Brian has his solo tour. And Howie, is Howie. He would’ve eventually pushed me to telling the rest. I couldn’t do this to them.” Kevin started pacing. “Tell them that day trip we took during the tour was really a trip to the doctor. That my insisting you come along on my bus made you…made you…”

“Kevin, I’ve told you this before. It’s not your fault I lost the baby. It’s no ones. The doctor even said sometimes there is no reason. If you really need this break from the group take it. But I don’t want you doing it because you feel you have to for me.” She smiled softly. “I’d never ask that.”

“It’s done anyway.” Kevin replied, running a hand through his dark hair. He didn’t respond to her other comments. “Maybe I’ll come back someday, if they let me. Howie seemed okay with that idea. But for right now I need to stop. I get so sick of Jive keep us from really being creative, the industry telling us we’re done when we’re not. I’m…”

Kristin stepped up behind and rubbed his shoulders. “Then do what’s right for you. But maybe one day tell them the truth. I think it’d be good for you.”

Nick walked outside before he could watch anymore. His mind was blown. How had Kevin kept that big a secret from them? From the media even? It explained a lot, he realized. There was an about-face in the middle of the Never Gone tour. He’d been frustrated when Jive shot them down. He’d been angry when MTV along with radio stations would tell them after interviews that boybands were over so they wouldn’t play their music. But there had been this moment in that year where the man seemed to just snap. That he’d stopped caring.

“I bet that’s when he decided to leave, when she miscarried.”

Grace nodded, appearing suddenly behind him. “It was. He felt like the industry was destroying him the way it was you and AJ, only in a different way. So he took a break before it could.”

“Didn’t he realize what-”

“It’d do to you? Of course.” She glanced back at the house. “He tried to reach out to you but you’ve been angry all this time. He’s still trying. You ignored his calls for dinner earlier tonight.”

“Yeah well…” He hadn’t known. He was angry, so angry still. It was the reason that changed. Maybe if Kevin had told him things would be different. Why couldn’t he trust him? Didn’t he always tell Nick they were brothers? Didn’t he try to be the father Bob Carter never seemed to be? But part of him felt sorry. Kevin sacrificed more for the group than any of them ever realized.

It destroyed him just as much as it destroyed me when he left, didn’t it?

“Come on.” She yawned. “We have one more stop.”

“Tired? Didn’t know angels could get tired.” He smirked.

“They can if their charges are exhausting.” Grace retorted playfully. “Let’s get going."

Chapter Nine

I know who I decided to become after Kevin left the group. I felt like it didn’t matter. I acted like I didn’t care. But I did. I also figured no one else cared so no one should know that I did, deep down. All I wanted was for them to care. I wanted that so bad it hurt. If I’d known they did, I wouldn’t have fallen so far.


Nick wandered into the studio, half stumbling in. He’d had a long night but he knew if he missed one more session the fellas were going to ream him out again. And while he wasn’t afraid of them he wasn’t in the mood for yelling. He still had a headache from last night’s activities. AJ, Howie, and Brian were already there, all of them working together with notebooks in hand. Instruments were along the wall of the room and Brian immediately frowned at the cameras that came in behind the young blonde. Howie gave Brian a warning look that the latter ignored completely.

“Fun night Nick?”

He rolled his eyes back at him. “Yeah, it was. You guys didn’t look like you were lost without me anyway.”

AJ sighed, knowing the youngest of them had a problem but the way Brian was going about it wasn’t right either. “We were bouncing around ideas and things we’ve been working on since Never Gone.”

Nick plopped down in a chair, burying his face in his arms. “Go on then. I’ll make mine quick. I haven’t worked on shit.”

Brian rolled his eyes again. “Of course not. And can we get the cameras out of here? It was bad enough they were stuck at that meeting with Johnny.”

“No, I signed a contract so they have to follow me.” His voice was muffled but the nothing could hide the sharpness in his voice. “Besides it doesn’t matter. You’re just gonna be Blurry Brian.”

Brian when he heard about the reality show had gotten into an argument with Nick about it. It was simply another in a long line of debates about their lifestyle differences. Brian didn’t understand because he didn’t want to. Leighanne was a big instigator in that. To this day Nick was still calling her Yoko without any ounce of shame about it. He didn’t call Nick to check on how things were going for House of Carters. He didn’t call Nick outside of work at all anymore. This Brian was too good for Nick. He had to stay away as much as possible or he’d be tarnished or something. The whole thought of it made him sick. He wanted his best friend back and deep down, he knew that would never happen.

“I told you why I’m not signing that agreement Nick.”

“Because you’re a self-righteous prick. Can’t be seen with Nick Carter even though the whole damn world knows we’re in the same group! If I get too close, I’ll…I’ll catch his fuck-up disease or something. You have to be all, all holy and pure now.”

Howie blinked at the brutal attack coming from Nick. Leaning over, he frowned after taking a sniff. “Nick, are you drunk?”

AJ suspected the blonde was high as well but knew adding that in wasn’t going to help any. Nick wasn’t AJ. And it seemed like no matter how many times he told the others that, they still wanted to help Nick with the same methods they helped him. Methods AJ knew wouldn’t work. If you attacked him he would get defensive. Sure, he would break down. But that wouldn’t happen until he was alone. It wouldn’t happen till he was “safe” with that group of so-called friends like Bean. He’d been wanting to punch Bean in the face for the past four years. That also wouldn’t help any. Years of therapy and counseling from rehab had taught AJ how to manage his anger.

Sometimes he wished it hadn’t.

Present day Nick was standing in the doorway. This was only a couple of months ago. The very beginnings of recording for their new album. He snorted as he crossed his arms and leaned up against the doorframe. “It’s weird as fuck to hear what they’re thinking.”

“Does it help?” Grace asked from behind him. “Can’t you see their concern?”

“I see AJ’s.” Nick admitted to himself. “This whole thing was fucking ridiculous. Still is. We’re here trying to pretend nothing’s changed. Everything changed. You know what we decided to call the album a week ago? Unbreakable. What a fucking crock. We’re not Unbreakable. We just lost Kevin and everyone’s looking out for themselves.”

His angel sighed and shook her head. “You’re broken because you let yourself break. Now listen.”

“No I’m not drunk!” His past self raged at Howie, standing up. “And who are you to ask that? I’ve seen you party. You drink like a god damn fish.”

Brian rolled his eyes and stood as well. “But he doesn’t let it interfere with his work. Nick can’t you see what’s happening?”

“Yeah. You’re so worried about this fucking up your precious Christian solo career that you can’t see past your own ass!” Nick accused, heading towards the door. “You gave me so much shit about Now or Never but you know at least I was doing it during my downtime. You did yours during the recording of Never Gone. You toured while we were trying to work on this record. And you want to judge me? I ain’t religious and shit but I’m pretty damn sure there’s something in there about throwing stones.”

Nick stormed outside, unknowingly walking through his self. “Screw this.”

The two observers stayed for a moment to watch.

“Shit.” AJ muttered, shaking his head.

“I’m not going after him.” Brian told the others. “He’s throwing another tantrum.”

“I’ll talk to him. Though you know, he’s not all wrong about the solo albums.” Howie told him pointedly. “You still haven’t forgiven him for doing exactly what you are now. I’m not saying he’s all right but neither are you. Just…think about it.” He turned around and walked out before Brian could think up a proper response.

Grace nodded at her charge, the two following the other pair out into the bright sunlight. There was a small alleyway behind the studio. One that didn’t require any security though Q was around there somewhere. He was always looking out for the Boys. Their head of security had long ago become a close friend. Both Nicks spied him at the end of the alley smoking a cigarette and smiles followed.

Howie shook his head as Nick lit one up himself. “Hey what was that about? I wasn’t accusing, I’m worried about you man.”

“Are you? Or the group image? Johnny thinks I’m fucking us up. I heard him say it the other day.”

“Maybe we should let Johnny go.” Howie shrugged. “I wasn’t the happiest about hiring him back last album. It wasn’t like he helped us fight the label. He ditched us for Justin Timberlake again anyway. Déjà-Vu, right?”

Nick blew a long puff of smoke out into the air. “Maybe we should.” He sighed. “Maybe I drank a lot last night D but I’m fine.” A beat. “I’m not AJ.”

Howie patted him on the shoulder, not believing a word but knowing doubt would push him away even more. “I’m not Kevin and I’m not trying to be. But we’ve been friends for a long time. We all have. I wish you’d try and talk to Brian. You guys used to be so close.”

“Used to be. We’ll get over it. We always do.” But it wasn’t like before. Brian didn’t used to be ashamed to be his friend.

“Not like before.”

He forced a smile at his friend and band mate. “I swear, I’m fine. I’m not AJ. I screwed up today. I’ll get some coffee and it’ll be cool.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” Howie smiled back at him though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Everything alright with your brother?” He pursued, knowing the answer already. Aaron had been getting interviews now that the media knew there was a reality show coming. Paris had come up and he’d had the nerve to say that he thought Nick was capable of hitting her. It had been that interview that had caused him to want to get completely wasted. His own family thought he was a woman beater.

I’m a woman beater in their eyes but they still want me to be their ATM. Nick thought bitterly while nodding at his friend. “He’s being a stupid little shit but what’s new? Maybe this whole show will help me get him back in line.”

He could tell Howie doubted that. So did Nick though he’d never admit it. “Just double checking. I’ll let you finish out here. We’ll start again in a few once you come inside.”

I’m not fine. The other Nick thought, turning away. I’m never fine. Maybe I would be if I never joined the group to begin with. Never tried to be the provider for my fucked up family. Or tried to keep replacing my family only to have it broken over and over.

“You really believe that, don’t you?”

Nick jerked out of his thoughts with a frown. “Fuck. Can you stop playing mind reader?”

“No.” She smiled and took his hand. “We gotta go back. We’re nearly caught up and we need to make sure you’re still alive.”

“Why wouldn’t I still be alive?” Nick demanded, his eyes narrowing at her.

She smirked smugly. “I thought you didn’t care if you lived or died.”

“I don’t but you seemed so sure I won’t.”

“Nothing is for certain in life Nick.”

“Don’t I know it.”

Instantaneously the two of them were back in Nick’s apartment. She approached his unconscious body while Nick stayed by the door. It freaked him out and he wasn’t about to watch himself die if he could help it. His foot tapped nervously on the floor. Was he dead? Was he alive? Was he supposed to feel different? Why did he feel the same? What did he want? So many questions. Not one answer in the bunch. Even after reliving some key moments in his life, some bad, others good, he wasn’t sure. He found himself thinking about the fellas. About Kevin in particular when it came to it. Kevin didn’t come to him when he left the group with the truth. Why?

Because he probably didn’t want me feeling guilty. Maybe he thought I was in too deep without it.

Instead Nick had blamed himself. For the past year since that dinner, he’d been blaming himself for fracturing the group. Maybe because deep down he knew it wouldn’t be wrong to blame him. Or maybe it’s because of years of blame from his mother, it was second nature.

“Nick?” Grace called softly.

“Am I dead?”

She shook her head. “You’re still alive.” She glided over to him more so than walked, her eyes were gentle, peaceful. An expression Nick knew he hadn’t possessed himself in a long time. Even lying there on the floor, he looked anything but at peace. “But I know you still can’t make a decision about what you want.”

Nick shook his head. “I know I wanted to die but…” he trailed off. “What would happen if I did?”

She sighed deeply, shifting her gaze away. “You wouldn’t go to hell. I’m pretty sure. Your soul isn’t that far gone. But you wouldn’t go to Heaven either. You would have to work off your sins first. I don’t know what He would decide to do. Maybe you’d be like me. Maybe you wouldn’t.”

“What did you do? To be working off yours, I mean.”

She turned back with a sad little smile. “This isn’t about me. This is your story, not mine.” She bit her lip, looking to be in deep thought about something. “I’m just, the narrator so to speak.”

“What I really want, I don’t think you can give.” Nick admitted. “That’s why death felt like the best option.”

“I can’t give you exactly what you think you’d get.” Grace corrected. “I’ve racked up exactly one favor for this family. I know I could use it for you. So far you’re the only one with any potential to…” She didn’t finish. “But I can do one thing.”

“What?”

“I can change one choice in your life.”

Nick’s brows furrowed. “A choice?”

She nodded. “Yes. You say you wish you weren’t a Backstreet Boy. I can give you that. I can send you back into your body thirteen years ago. You wouldn’t have any memories of this life. You would simply be guided to have chosen the Mickey Mouse Club instead. The group as you knew it would’ve never existed. After that every choice would be your own. Free will and all.”

His eyes brightened. “So I can get out of this, maybe not even end up famous at all. Or at least not for long.” Nick found himself grinning. “I could be normal.”

“Maybe. I’d only change that one choice for you.”

“You can really do this?”

“I can.” She took his hand. “But before I do. There’s a few more things I should show you.”

He blinked. “Like what?”

“Just…trust me.”

Nick smirked at her. “Do I get a choice?”

“In this, no.”

Chapter Ten

Life is about choices. Everything that makes us who we are comes from those choices. All I wanted was for to go back and decide to never become a member of the Backstreet Boys. To change one single choice. But choices make us who we are. Who would I have been then? Would I have been a better person, a better man? What about the others?


Nick blinked slowly and rubbed his eyes before looking around. He was in a small beat up condo. A glance out the window immediately informed him they were still in Los Angeles. He picked up a newspaper and saw that day’s date. He frowned. What was the point of that if nothing changed? Was he picking up life where it left off if he’d never been in BSB? What was going on? The apartment was clean despite the fact it was definitely older. Grace stood behind him, calm as could be; waiting for the questions she knew would come.

“Where are we?”

She smiled. “You know the answer to that.”

Rolling his eyes he motioned around at their surroundings. “I know we’re in Los Angeles but this isn’t my place. And we didn’t change years.”

“You wanted to see a life without the Backstreet Boys. Or to be more accurate, without the group as you know it.”

“Right.”

“This is it.”

A brow rose as he moved to take a look at the personal photos and touches throughout the home. “You’re saying I live here.”

Grace smirked while crossing her arms over her chest. “No, I didn’t say that. See your choice doesn’t just affect you Nick. That group made it because of all five of you. If any of you had been replaced, if any of you had quit, nothing would’ve been as it was. Since this isn’t just about you I decided you needed to see just what this will do to everyone. Your family…” She ignored Nick’s snort. “And your friends. All of that is important. You’ll see a possibility of what your life could become, just not yet."

Taking a deep breath, he nodded. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to be that fucking easy.

“So whose place is this?”

“I thought we’d start with Kevin. His departure affected you so much, I thought it’d make sense to see how yours, figuratively speaking, changes his life.”

As if on cue Kevin strolled through the front door, throwing a script and a jacket through the spirits and landing on the worn down leather chair in the tiny living room. Nick immediately glanced to Grace before looking back at the man who’d been his older brother for so many years. He appeared to be a shadow of the Kevin he’d known. His dark raven hair was streaked boldly with grey. A face that in Nick’s world had aged well despite the years, here it was haggard and wrinkled – completely worn down. His clothes weren’t the sleek simple styles either. Instead they were cheap and Nick wondered how long Kevin had had them. In essence he felt like he’d been dropped into one of those ancient black and white episodes of the Twilight Zone he’d sometimes watch on his bus because there was nothing else on. Granted, the entire night –technically morning – had been bizarre so far.

“This is Kevin?”

Grace nodded, following Kevin into the tiny kitchen. “Without you in the group the Backstreet Boys never scored a record deal, it was the five of you that made it so special. So in 2006 the Backstreet Boys don’t exist. They never did. Although the bright side of that, if there is any, is because Lou Pearlman wasn’t successful the first time, NSYNC never existed. He went back to scamming people in other ways. So there’s that.” She smirked to herself. Lou also got arrested a lot sooner but since in the life Nick knew it wouldn’t happen for another two years, she kept herself from saying it out loud. That man was just as guilty as Nick’s parents causing him to be so damaged.

Alright, so Nick hadn’t expected that. After so many years of being told he was nothing more than the pretty face of the group, he figured the group would’ve had another and been just as successful. “So all the copycat boybands…”

“Never existed here. Well there was Hanson but they stayed one-hit wonders.” She grinned. “It was the Girl Group explosion of the 90s, all trying to cash in off the Spice Girls instead. Good music actually. I wish some of it would’ve bled into the right reality, but call me biased; I prefer the Boy Band explosion that happened.”

“So what happened with Kevin?”

The phone started ringing and she shook her head. “Listen.”

With a roll of his eyes Kevin pulled out his cell and put it on speaker before practically slamming it on the counter. He turned back towards the cupboards in search of something to eat. “What is it now, Kristin?”

Nick blinked. “Wait, its Kristin he’s talking to like that?”

“The fact you never not met him didn’t change their meeting. He knew her before he knew you.”

“Well, yeah but he’s always loved her.”

“People change. He changed.” Grace explained gently. “Now listen.”

“I’m calling because you failed once again to pick up your son for the weekend! Mason’s up in his room crying because he thinks his father doesn’t give a damn about him! You think it’s fair I have to explain to our three year old son why Daddy doesn’t want to see him anymore?!”

Kevin whirled back around and glared at the phone. If looks could kill through technology, Nick had no doubts Kristin would be nothing but a pile of dust on the other end. “I forgot! I had an audition and-”

“An audition? Your desperate attempts for a career that will NEVER happen is your excuse for ditching your son? If you were any sort of father Kevin you’d get a real job, maybe attempt to support your son, be there for him…”

“Fuck you! See this is why I cheated on you! Because you can’t see that maybe my dreams are important to me. I know you’re the big shot now. That’s why I don’t bother to send you shit! You have more than you need!”

“Are we back to this again? It’s been ten years! I’m sorry your music career didn’t get off the ground, I really am. But stop holding that against me! Dammit Kevin, you fought so hard for weekend visitation rights. Why? To piss me off? I swear to God if you keep missing them I will see you back in court. I refuse to see Mason get upset every weekend because of his deadbeat father!”

Then, there was nothing but a dial tone. Kevin threw the phone against the wall, snickering when it broke. He opened the fridge. Now he was a man on a mission. Nick however, Nick recognized that gleam in the broken version of his former mentor’s eyes. A hungry glint that broke his heart. There wasn’t even an ounce of surprise in him when a bottle of jack was set on the counter, followed by a shot glass. Kevin poured himself one and immediately downed it. Another followed.

“Jesus. What the fuck happened to him?” He asked angrily. “Her miscarriage is what caused him to leave the group, right? But here he has a kid and can’t be bothered to give a shit! He’s just like my parents. And…” And I know he’s better than that.

He walked towards a shelf and with enough concentration was able to pick up a dusty photo. Blowing on it showed a younger, happier Kevin at Disney World. It must’ve been their day off because he was with Kristin but neither of them was in their costumes. Nick smiled sadly at the photo. It was a familiar one he’s seen countless times over the years no matter where Kevin lived. The couple was young and in love. He’d been jealous of that. No matter how many times they’d broken up due to distance in the band, they always came back together and survived it. But unlike his Kevin, there were no other photos. No wedding pictures. No photos of the band. Not even a photo of his family. There was this single one and it was forgotten like a tattered piece of clothing lost in a closet over the years.

His companion took the photograph and cleaned it before setting it back down. “Kristin and Kevin stayed together since they met. No breakups or anything. Ironically enough the breaks had been good for them in your world. It gave them room to explore and realize they had found their soul mates. Here that never happened. Kristin became the successful one without traveling on tour with you guys on occasion; she’s one of the better known actresses on TV. In the last couple years she successfully transitioned to movies. It was her first movie that broke the last straw for Kevin.”

Nick frowned at her. “What do you mean?”

Grace motioned around the room before focusing back on the increasingly intoxicated Kevin. “I mean Kevin took a risk and gave up everything for the Backstreet Boys. He loved music and acting equally but went for music. Because the group didn’t go anywhere, he wasted years and other auditions. Eventually he even tried for a solo career but that got him nowhere. When he finally did try his hand back at acting all he could ever get were bit parts but his girlfriend, later his wife, was having all the success he wasn’t.”

He shook his head, unable to accept this. “That can’t be right. Kevin’s not the type to be so fucking selfish. He would give anything up if he cared about them. He would’ve been happy for Kristin.”

“That Kevin knew he was blessed for what he had.” She shook her head sadly. “This Kevin doesn’t. So he started drinking more, getting fired from the small roles he did get. Finally Kristin started trying to use her pull to get him work. It worked for awhile but he couldn’t stay sober long enough anytime he had a role that could get him anywhere.”

The light sound of a key unlocking the door stopped Nick from asking further. A busty redhead walked in, her face was tight from years of facelifts and she smelled strongly of cigarettes. Her clothes were practically painted on her and left very little to the imagination “Hey baby, sorry I’m late. Work ran long.” She kicked off her heels. “I got some amazing tips tonight though.”

Kevin slid her his shot glass and forced a smile. “Good to hear it. I’m glad you came by after all, I needed to see you.”

“Who the hell is this bitch?” He asked, purely out of shock.

“That girl is the woman he cheated on her with.” Grace shrugged at him helplessly. “He got plastered one night at some strip club while his wife was filming on location and took one of the dancers home. Mason was with her this time so he had the freedom to do what he wanted. Soon she became this whole affair. Kristin caught him one time and filed for divorce, main custody and won. Sadly for her she’s paying for this place because of California’s divorce laws. He got half her earnings. That’s why Starla’s into him, because he’s the ex-husband of Kristin Kay.”

“Starla.” Nick muttered, using all his energy to knock off the now half empty bottle of Jack Daniels the couple was sharing though neither noticed. Kevin was practically swallowing her whole from the way they were kissing. “I fucked up his life whether he knows me or not. That takes some pretty serious skill.”

“Did you do this? Or were these Kevin’s choices in a different world?”

His gaze met hers, blue meeting blue. She could practically see the gears spinning in his head as he took her words into consideration. “Wait what are you saying?”

She sighed. “The same thing I’ve been saying this whole time. Nothing is as black or white as you think it is. Yes, you could change the world by changing that one decision you made fourteen years ago. But I told you every change after that is theirs. Not yours. Just, think about this. Obviously you have a strong bond with your friends. You’ve called them your brothers almost as long as you’ve known them. Doesn’t it make sense that without that, even if they don’t realize it’s missing, they’d have an empty place where it’s supposed to be?”

“You realize you’re making no fucking sense right?”

She shook her head. “I think you need to see more, that’s what I’m realizing.”

He left me first. Right? Even with those thoughts Nick didn’t look back as they left this reality’s version of Kevin behind.

Chapter Eleven

When you’re told your whole life you’re nothing but a screw-up, it’s hard to erase that. It takes a long time for you to realize that even when bad things happen it’s not always your fault. But life happens. It’s good, it’s bad, and it happens. Sometimes there’s nothing you could’ve done to change that. But sometimes, there’s things you can do…and you should.


Despite Kevin’s obviously wrecked life Nick was still considering never having been in the Backstreet Boys. Mainly because while his life was worse, the other four would be better off. How could they not be? He’s still making their lives worse. Kevin at least left the group. He got away so if this choice created another universe at least that Kevin was happy. That was how Nick planned to justify it in any event. His having never joined changed the life of one of them but it couldn’t really do much for the others. And selfish as it was, Nick still wanted that life free from everything that’s made him want the escapes drugs and alcohol could promise him more than anything else. He didn’t care how that sounded.

He loved the fellas but, didn’t he deserve that?

Nick felt like a complete asshole for thinking so. Hell, maybe I did deserve my screwed up life.

With a glance around he immediately knew they weren’t in Los Angeles anymore. Far from. Instead they had landed in New York. He always loved visiting here. There was just something to the hustle and bustle in this city. It never slept and there always seemed to be something happening. For someone who thrived on distractions it was a pretty appealing place. Oddly enough he knew he would hate living here. Mainly because of his love of the water. That wouldn’t be satisfied in any sense of the word. It just felt too busy. Los Angeles could be like that but it was different.

With a glance upwards he saw the brightly lit sign displaying Sweeny Todd¸ and the words starring Alex McLean underneath. Nick blinked with surprise even knowing AJ’s passion for musicals back when they were kids. “AJ became an actor?”

“Alex did.” Grace corrected, materializing in a shimmer of light beside him. “Lou dubbed him AJ, remember? The group never lasted so he stayed Alex and went back to acting. Musicals, specifically. This way he got to do both things he loved. He’s pretty good, actually.”

Nick found himself singing, he couldn’t help it. He’d loved all sorts of music – old and new. It was something he and Kevin always had in common. “They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway, on Broadway… they say there’s always magic in the air…”

“Maybe there is.” She motioned to him. “Let’s get inside.”

“I get to see the show?”

She grinned at him. “Well, you get to see something.”

Rolling his eyes he followed her inside but instead of moving to take a seat like the rest of the people Grace was making a beeline for the backstage. Nick arched a brow but kept walking while looking around. “This isn’t off Broadway at all is it? I always thought AJ was a little jealous that Kevin had the guts to go off and audition for Chicago during our break.”

“Maybe he was. They both loved the stage. Your Kevin and this Alex. You’re right by the way, we’re here at Sweeny Todd’s revival and it’s the biggest show of the year.”

Nick paused for a moment, having heard about the movie version being filmed starring Johnny Depp and found himself laughing. “I can’t lie, that’s a really fitting freaking role for him.”

She raised a brow as she turned her head towards him. “It fit the man you knew. You don’t know this man.” They walked through people as they weren’t even there. Nick caught pieces of emotions as he did. It was a strange feeling. If he stayed dead, would he feel like this always? But why was he even curious if he wanted to start his life over and fix one mistake? “You have to remember that.”

Nick snorted. “I knew him way before we got famous, and before I knew him as Aje. I don’t think he could change that damn much. Come on.”

“Just like you thought AJ would never self-destruct thanks to his addictions?”

Truer words hadn’t been spoken but they still stung.

“Anyway, this run is shaping up to be more successful than his role in Phantom of the Opera.”

“I was wondering if he was in that. He freaking loves that play.”

When they reached his dressing room Nick hesitated before going through the door. He was afraid to. What if his life was as screwed up as Kevin’s? Or worse, what if it was better? He didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted something to nudge him in a direction. But would that help if he still felt like it was the wrong one? It was ironic really, this was a world in which he didn’t know the fellas the way he always had and yet he still wanted nothing more than to rely on them to help make a choice. Shaking his head he forced himself through the doorway.

Before him was a sight nearly unrecognizable. Alex James Mclean (as it said on the door) was nothing like the AJ he’d known. There wasn’t a single tattoo to be seen on his arms. His hair was a normal hair color though still receding. He was skinnier than Nick remembered too, but more toned. Did this AJ work out? He never would’ve thought he’d see the day. The most either one of them ever worked out was during their dance rehearsals. There were no piercings; in fact there was no facial hair. This man shaved and looked as normal as any other. It felt so bizarre. Nick expected something – because he was AJ, and they were in New York after all.

He was sitting in a chair with a big grin on his face. No sunglasses to hide his eyes that were always so expressive. A little girl was in his lip with curly brown hair and big brown eyes, sweet as could be. She couldn’t be any older than two at most as she waved her chubby arms and legs happily. He lifted her up and blew raspberries against her tummy. She giggled and squealed. Just from watching anyone could tell she felt completely safe in AJ’s arms. It was almost mind boggling for Nick. If there was anything he just couldn’t see quite yet for his friend, it was fatherhood. Sure with their fair share of groupies during the 90s either one of them could have some kids out of wedlock they didn’t know about, but this was different.

The AJ McLean he knew was completely terrified of fatherhood in any form.

Nick glanced to Grace and quirked an eyebrow at her. “This is what happened to AJ?”

She nodded, stepping forward and running a hand through the little girl’s curls. Amazingly, the child looked up as if she could see the pair. She grinned and laughed, waving at them. “Hi!”

AJ laughed at her. “What is it baby girl, you got a new invisible friend?”

She nodded and pointed at both Grace and Nick. AJ stared right at them before placing a kiss on her forehead. “You’ve got a crazy imagination.”

Nick blinked with surprise. “She can see us?”

“You’d be surprised. Kids can see more than adults. They have that ability for unquestionable faith, that and their innocence lets them see beyond what others can’t. She’s not even scared because she knows I’m here for protection. It’s a shame people can’t hold on to that their entire lives.” She paused. “Some can but they’re the ones dubbed as delusional or crazy if they share what they see with the world. Like if you decided to go back to your regular life and told someone? You know people would want to commit you.”

He nodded, rolling his eyes. “My mother wants me committed anyway. She wants my money.”

She sighed. “I know. I’ve been trying to guide your parents as best I can. But unfortunately not everyone can be reached. “

No shit.

“Anyway…” She started again, eying him pointedly. “He’s not married yet, before you ask. He’s still afraid of commitment somewhat but not as bad.” Grace shrugged. “I think it might’ve been because Bob McLean never tried to contact his son again the way he did in your reality. In this one AJ never made it to that level of stardom. He’s huge on Broadway but that type of fame doesn’t get you on tabloids and on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.”

Nick frowned, his brow furrowing. “So he’s happy. His life is actually better without me.”

The guardian grabbed Nick’s hand and pulled him over to the dressing table, the pair walked through an unknowing Alex to do so. As always flashes of his friend’s thoughts filtered through his head in an instant. Too quick for Nick to grasp any with a solid grip but the feelings left their remnants behind in his mind. He glanced over to her. “He doesn’t seem happy. I mean, well, he does to Ava…” It was weird how he suddenly knew the little girl’s name. “…and the world but…” Nick shook his head. “He’s, fuck it reminds me of how he was during Black and Blue.”

Grace motioned to a small array of pill bottles tucked in a small little pouch. Easy to miss by many, especially if their focus was on AJ himself. “Like I said, AJ has commitment issues but not in terms of fatherhood. He slept around. Sometimes you pay the price for those kinds of reckless choices.”

His eyes grew as wide as saucers. “You’re telling me that…”

“AJ has AIDS, yes.” Grace confirmed as she turned to see AJ set Ava down.

The little girl ran to her nanny now standing in the doorway, smiling and laughing without a care in the world. As soon as the door closed, her father sighed deeply and grabbed his glass of water. He took his medications before taking a deep breath and followed them out the door. Nick watched them go, filled with a weird sense of sadness and jealousy all wrapped into one. He was jealous of the way AJ had that unconditional love from his daughter. The success he had without the group was unexpected. But he hated that AJ had such a terrible disease that would one day ruin everything he had.

“That’s…so I destroy his life either damn way too.”

“No, it’s like with Kevin. These were their choices without having known you at all. This man doesn’t remember the twelve year old towhead he’d sometimes see at auditions back when he lived in Florida. He remembers his one and only attempt into music turning into a massive failure. It was what inspired his choice to dive back into musical theater and turned into a successful career. He slept with fans and agents alike. One gave him a daughter he loves more than anything.” She paused. “And that’s one choice he’s glad he’s made if only because it brought her into his life. See what I mean?”

“But what about her? I mean she-”

“Don’t worry, she’s not infected. He caught the disease after she was born. His biggest worry is what will happen to her after she’s gone. But he has a lot of blessings the AJ you know never had.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “But he’s going to die! Isn’t there anything you can do to help him? Help Kevin?”

“No.” Her form started to shimmer as she reached for his hand. “C’mon Nick.”

“Is every life we see fucked up beyond belief?”

She shook her head. “No. Next, we’re going to see Howie.”

“Alright.” He took her hand, purely on faith. Faith that somehow, someone would be able to confirm that leaving the life he’s always known would be the right decision. Because if it wasn’t, where would that leave him? He didn’t know. That thought alone was suddenly terrifying.

Chapter Twelve

Not every choice has to be bad. Choices and the consequences of them can be good in the right circumstances. I think it all comes down to what you might’ve sacrificed to make those things happen. Is it worth it? That’s the first question you should ask. Especially because sometimes it’s the ones you don’t appreciate that you would miss the most.


The first thought Nick had when he appeared before what he assumed to be Howie’s home was that the house was massive. It was a mansion, plain and simple. Nick himself remembered when he bought what was later dubbed as the “Carter Compound” and gave it to his family. That had been plenty big enough with its ten bedrooms, the guest house he once lived in and rolling green grounds that were completely gated. In the end that much close proximity with his family and the coldness only a large house like that held had been enough to make him move again.

He glanced around but didn’t see Grace anywhere. “That damn angel’s as flighty as Aaron.” Nick muttered as he started walking towards the grand building. “Only her head isn’t up her ass like his is.”

One thing he wondered about was his own family. He noticed there’d been a clear aversion to them so far and it depressed him more than he’d like to admit. As much as he liked to say he didn’t give a damn about any of the Carters besides Angel, it simply wasn’t true. Since he was only a kid at the age of eight he felt a responsibility to care for them and make up for all his parents failing. It wasn’t fair, nor was it right but it didn’t make that feeling go away.

Stepping inside he immediately shivered. Not that Nick could actively feel the temperatures; it was simply that, he felt like he walked into a stranger’s home. Howie was someone Nick always fell back on. Sometimes he felt guilty, as if he used his friend’s dependability. He remembered when he dated Howie’s niece and how readily the Doroughs accepted him as their own. They never treated him as an outsider, or as Howie’s friend. They accepted him immediately. Though, honestly, every Backstreet “family” did, far better than the Carters could. Yet in the end it was their love he craved the most. Their love that would help him justify every sacrifice he made, and every single way that fame had slowly chipped away at his spirit and soul.

A little blonde, curly haired boy with bright blue eyes ran down the halls with someone else dressed in a suit hurrying just behind him. “Holden, your father asked me to get you dressed!”

The little boy, Holden, laughed. He couldn’t be any older than two and wore nothing but pull-ups. “No!”

Nick snorted, though he couldn’t help but smile. So far this house was the happiest place he’d been to in this alternate reality. He made his way up the stairs without a clue of what room Howie and God only knew who else would be in. Howie’s home in his reality was one where awards won with the group were displayed proudly along the walls, family photos and pictures of the five of them together took up the rest of free space throughout the house. In this house though everything was different. Pristine works of art were up. There were no smiling faces or happy photographs. A stark contrast to the happy child running around. Nick frowned slightly. Was Holden someone else’s child? Was Howie just as broken down as AJ or Kevin?

A young woman, pretty with long brown hair and a warm smile was in one of the rooms, chattering on the phone. It took a moment but he recognized her, Leigh. That was unexpected. Leigh met Howie when she got hired to help run the BSB fan club. But there was no BSB in this world. He always liked Leigh. Mainly because she gave Howie space to do his thing. She respected what they did and the fact she needed to be in the background at certain times. She also didn’t constantly make him feel like an asshole the way a certain blonde with a similar name did either.

I wonder how they met this time.

Nick paused in the doorway and tilted his head to listen. “Howard?” She laughed. “He’s working in his office as usual but he’s taking next week off so the three of us can go to the Alps.” Another laugh followed as she turned to glance at her reflection in a large and ornately decorated, full length mirror. “Holden’s excited, he wants to build a snowman.”

Nick arched a brow and kept down the hallway, almost tripping over his own feet in an attempt to avoid knocking over a statue. He rolled his eyes at himself when he passed right through it. “Duh dumbass. You’re like a ghost right now.”

Grace laughed from behind him, shimmering slowly into place. “It’s easy to forget. Sometimes I still do after almost a century.”

“Howie seems to have a good life.” He said as he walked into his friend’s office.

Howie was leaned over his desk, looking at papers while his computer had several files open. He had a business partner on his Blackberry as he looked through the sheets for something specific. “I know but trust me that property is a gold mine! Most don’t realize that the woods around it are protected by national park boundaries so no one will ever build around the house. As long as the owner never realizes it we can make a killing.” He listened, snickering. “Exactly. She’s some old widow, what does she know?”

“Happy but maybe not compassionate.” She replied softly.

The desk was the only place in the entire house that had any personal effects. Pictures littered the walls of Holden from birth to his current age. Some were with Howie, with Leigh who Nick assumed was his wife here, with Howie’s mom, everything revolved around that little boy. “Holden’s cute.”

“Howie loves him.” She agreed. “More than anything else in the world, despite everything.”

Nick frowned. “What do you mean, despite everything?”

Grace shrugged, reaching through Howie – who shivered in that moment – for one of the photographs. She handed it over to Nick carefully. “Blonde hair, blue eyes…doesn’t look anything like neither Howie nor Leigh.”

He arched a brow at her as he ran a finger along the picture frame. “You’re not saying what I think you are.”

“I’m supposed to do a family vacation to the Alps next week but…perhaps I can postpone…”

She looked at Howie pointedly who was still in deep conversation. “I am. Howie works a lot. He’s almost consumed by the idea of success. You guys call him Trump Jr., well; here he doesn’t have anything to bring him back to what’s important.”

“But Holden…”

Howie soon hung up and held his arms out as the child in question burst into the room and lunged at his father. He swung Holden up onto his lap and ticked him fiercely. “Hey why aren’t you wearing any clothes you crazy little guy?”

“No clothes!” The toddler waved at them.

Nick chuckled and waved back before he made himself refocus. “Holden is his world. Fuck I wish my parents cared that much.”

Grace sighed. “He is and that’s why Howie works so hard, not realizing that all Holden wants is to see him more. Deep down I think Howie suspects he’s not really his son. It’s just that he doesn’t care because of how much he loves him. He’d rather have the lie than the truth. Sad as it is sometimes lies do more for you. Sometimes the truth does nothing but destroy everything it touches.”

He nodded. “Is Howie happy?”

“He is and he’s the happiest one you’ve seen so far.” She pushed her blonde hair out of her eyes, and it startled him yet again how much she reminded him of Leslie. “I told you not everyone is miserable. No, Howie’s life isn’t perfect but that’s because of the choices he made in a life without the Backstreet Boys. And it’s because life is never perfect.”

“What about Brian?”

A shadow crossed over his expression fleetingly before it left so quickly Nick thought he possibly imagined it. “You’ll see.” She took his hand and led him away. “That’s our next destination but first we should go see Leigh.”

Nick’s brows furrowed but he followed her anyway. “I saw her on my way here and she seemed alright.”

“That’s because he wasn’t here yet. While we were up there listening to Howie’s latest housing deal that’ll make him thousands because this poor lady has no idea what she has, Leigh was doing something else.”

“You know if I remembered anything and I change shit, I think I’d miss Howie the most.”

That caught her attention. “You wouldn’t remember but, why Howie?”

He shrugged casually, picking at a stray thread from his worn out Journey shirt. “Because Howie and I always clicked. Hell I know people saw me and Brian and he was my best friend. Frick and Frack was real. Or Kevin and the way he was everything my dad didn’t bother with. But Howie…” Nick grinned to himself. “Howie was the one who was there no matter what. Fuck I tried pushing him away so many times. He’d butt in or see past my bullshit first. Howie…Howie was the first one I thought of as a brother.”

Grace smiled at his answer. “That’s sweet.”

“Yeah well, Howie never gets enough credit.”

She led him outside and around a spacious pool to a small pool house Nick guessed they let guests sleep in. On the Carter Compound he turned that into his small sanctuary before he learned that wouldn’t be nearly enough space to keep his sanity. “You’re making me feel guilty about this. But I’m only showing you this because in a way, this still involves you too.”

“What whoever Leigh’s cheating on Howie with?” It felt weird to say because the Leigh he knew wouldn’t dream of doing anything like this. But this wasn’t the Leigh he knew. This wasn’t the Howie he knew. In fact everything he knew might become nothing, depending on what he decided at the end of this so-called enlightening journey he was forced to take with the angelic spirit. “How does that involve me?”

She opened the door and instantly Nick got the answer to his question.

Aaron was how this directly involved Nick. He was there, making out with Leigh and completely unaware anyone else was watching. How could they be? The pair was invisible to the eye. Nick’s eyes were wide as saucers as he struggled to take in the crystal clear sight before him. “The fuck? How? How does she even know Aaron?! I thought you said I didn’t know them in this life?”

“You don’t know them.” Grace turned to look at him and ignored the moans. “I said I could change a single choice Nick. Your choice. That choice doesn’t change who your parents are. It doesn’t change who your siblings are deep down. All it changes is the path. The person deep down is the same. Everything you’ve seen is a possibility from what could have been. What ifs.”

He shuddered and used all his willpower to shut the door. Thankfully it worked because honestly that was something that could keep him up at night. Aaron’s kissing style reminded him of a leech. “So Aaron still became famous.”

“Somewhat.” Grace shrugged. “He didn’t live under your shadow but, your limelight wasn’t there to help him either. It’s a bit of a wash. Leigh ran his fan club; Howie sold one of his houses. That’s how they met since you were wondering earlier.”

Nick ran a hand through his hair tiredly. “He still looked like he was high.” He felt tired, all the responsibility for trying to raise his siblings slammed back on top of him like an avalanche. “God, he’s with a woman he knows is married, had a kid he’s not taking responsibility for…fucking hell Aaron. What the hell was I doing for him to turn out like this?”

That was because Aaron was high but Grace knew this wasn’t the right time to let Nick dwell on other versions of his family. “The person doesn’t change. It’s the circumstances, the choices, and possibly the temptations do.” Her form began to shimmer and glow. “Now, it’s time to move on to Brian. We’re not ready for you or any Carter yet.”

“Wait, you said Howie’s happy…” He glanced back at the pool house. “Does he know Leigh’s cheating on him still?”

“I told you, the truth is what we want it to be. So…yes and no. But I wasn’t lying. Howie’s happy.”

“But how? I mean…”

She shook her head. “Because he focuses on the positives of his imperfect life.”

It was hard for Nick to comprehend what should have been a simple concept. Grace could see it in his face as she gently took his hand once more. It didn’t surprise her in the slightest. In fact she fully expected it. Mainly because the two of them both knew deep down, he wasn’t capable of doing that for himself.

She simply hoped he would learn.

Chapter Thirteen

Life is fragile. Life is so damn fleeting it’s ridiculous. So many people, myself included, take it for granted. I guess it’s because no one really sees themselves not waking up tomorrow. I wanted to die. I wanted it all to end. But is that because…I never expected that wish to come true? I wonder if it’s because I never expected God to care if I lived or died?


Nick didn’t immediately recognize his surroundings this time and it startled him, caused him to be more aware as he looked around. The air was cleaner than anywhere he knew of in Los Angeles. There was no faint smell of the ocean, so Tampa was out. He also happened to know Orlando like the back of his hand and this was not it. No, on this trip he was somewhere new. His first thought was Atlanta. Mainly because the Brian he knew rarely left there anymore. Even for recording new music it was more like pulling teeth to get Brian away from Georgia, away from the wife who hated Nick so fiercely. It was sort of ironic though because Baylee adored him, and Nick adored him even though he sometimes felt jealous of the time Baylee had with Brian. He knew it was wrong to feel that way but it didn’t change anything.

Those feelings were what helped drive so many arguments between him and Brian. It was why he hated Leighanne more and more as the years passed them by. While the two would never become bosom buddies Nick knew, deep down, that some of his feelings towards her might be unwarranted. He refused to admit to that. Brian refused to try and understand. All it did was help the fights get worse and worse. These days he felt like he barely knew Brian anymore. But even if he didn’t know they were here to see Brian, the feelings their new location stirred in Nick would’ve made him think of Brian immediately. Why, he couldn’t quite figure that out just yet.

“The reason…” Grace soft voice piped up from beside him, “You don’t recognize this place is because you haven’t been here in years. It should be familiar but nothing more.”

“So where are we?” He walked through the grass, enjoying the country feel though he’d never admit to it.

She tucked a curl behind her ear. “You might want to ask when are we first.”

He frowned as they continued through the grassy fields not really taking much notice as he enjoyed the crystal blue sky and generally peaceful aura. “I thought we were in 2006.”

His companion sighed deeply as they started maneuvering through a small crowd of people. Nick’s bright blue eyes skipped around the scene, noting everyone dressed in black and looking somber. Another glance around caught the tombstones scattered across the fields, along the trees and the many flowers set upon the lonely graves. A brow arched and he turned back towards Grace, who had stopped walking. “I decided in this case going to 2006 would’ve been a waste of time when what we needed to see wasn’t there.”

“So when and where are we?” He stepped up towards Grace but stopped short. A woman stood in his way, petite in stature and one he’d come to know quite well over the years. One he wished didn’t look so upset.

“May 18th, 1999. Brian’s hometown, to be specific.”

“1999? Why…”

“Think about it Nick.” She watched him carefully. “Think about why we’re here, where we are, and why I’d have to go back eight years.” Her eyes were gentle and filled with an almost otherworldly heavenly compassion. Never had she looked more angelic than in that moment.

“No. No, you’re not…I mean – No.” Nick dodged the people in an effort not to walk through them as he raced forward. It was an experience he wasn’t too fond of. Though to be honest he didn’t care in that moment. He wanted, no he needed to see who the funeral was for. All the signs were there, written clearly as if in the tones of the cemetery itself.

But no, no, no! His mind was screaming in denial, pleading to be wrong.

“Life is a path paved by choices.” She reminded him gently.

The coffin was simple in its beauty, carved from mahogany. Brian Thomas Littrell, a man who was once someone Nick considered to be his best friend in the universe was lying there. The undertaker had done a good job. But he still had a ghostly paleness to his skin, and a coldness to his look. He didn’t look like he was sleeping the way so many claimed the dead do at funerals. No. He looked dead. He looked dead and gone and Nick wanted to scream. How did his one choice to never join Backstreet kill Brian? It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. Why would this cost the others like this? Why was he forced to even see this?

“Why Grace?! Why? How did this happen! Brian would’ve never been in the group if Kevin never called him! How the fuck did this happen! How?!” Nick shouted at her, filled with rage at a death that could be real if he went for the normal life he so desperately craved.

The angel shook her head as she reached for Brian’s cold hand and clasped it in hers. “Brian’s a man of passion; you know that as well as I do.”

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

She winced but continued on. “He wasn’t just passionate about music. He was passionate about his wife. Incidentally…” Grace nodded towards a petite brunette sobbing while holding a sweet looking five year old son in her arms. The little boy was practically Brian’s miniature with blonde curly hair and bright blue eyes. He almost looked like Baylee, but those who knew could see the differences. “I find Meg to be sweeter and gentler than Leighanne. She loved him just as much as Leighanne did. Brian loved Tommy just as much as he loved Baylee in your world. And what did Brian always say he would’ve done if he’d never gotten Kevin’s phone call?”

“Gone to Bible College.” Nick muttered.

“Yes.” She placed Brian’s hand back inside the coffin, moving over towards Meg and Tommy. She rubbed Tommy’s back as he cried against his mother. It seemed to soothe him as he soon quieted down. “Brian was always passionate about God and that was just as true here. He brought life back into his old church here in Lexington. He helped it grow and thrive. He also happened to ignore the signs.”

“What signs?” He glared at her. “Brian here wasn’t touring around the world till it almost killed him. It never should’ve been a problem!”

Grace smiled as Tommy looked up at her before turning back towards Nick. “He also didn’t have four other guys who knew there was a problem watching over him, urging him to get the surgery.” She saw Nick open up his mouth to protest and hurried to continue. “I know you hate how you handled the actual surgery but you, Kevin, AJ, Howie…and Leighanne were the reasons why he got it in time to begin with. Meg tried once she realized something was happening. But Brian knew something was wrong and hid it. He felt too much was happening, he felt he needed to be there for his church and his family.” Here, her smile faded and grew melancholy. “He felt God would save him without realizing the signs he ignored…were God’s way of telling him to save himself.”

“So instead of saving him, God ignores him.”

“No, God gave everyone human free will, Nick. Brian had the signs and made the choice to ignore. This was where that path led him.”

Nick stepped up to her with tear filled eyes. Not a single one fell, however. “Is that it? Is this all you have to show me? Here Nick, here’s your fucked up life? Oh and here’s what happens if we fix it for you?”

“We’re not done.”

“No, we’re done!” Nick shouted at her. “We’re fucking done! Kill me! Obviously I can’t save myself so just kill me!”

The scene around them faded and there was nothing but darkness in every direction. A soft halo of light came from above but it was impossible to see the source of the light itself. “You don’t want to see what might become of your family?”

He laughed but it was bitter and hollow. “No. I mean they don’t care about me…”

“We both know that’s not why.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “Fine, maybe I don’t want to see how I fuck up their lives by changing one thing too! Maybe I don’t want to see someone dead like Leslie or Angel since Aaron’s alive and fucking around with Howie’s wife…”

“But you need to see one last thing.” She told him firmly. “Before we go back to the right time, to where you still struggle to live or die, you need to see your life.” There was other thing that needed to be shown but now wasn’t the time to mention it just yet.

“Why?! Why does it matter what happens to me? I don’t want it!” He roared at her, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her fiercely. “I don’t care!”

Grace pushed him off, albeit without much force. “You need to see it so you don’t ask yourself what if anymore. You need to see it because in the end, we all wonder. You still wonder, deep down, even though you know what the consequences might be. That’s why you’re so upset.”

“That’s not why.” Nick growled before turning away, gazing off into the dark abyss.

“Then why?”

“Because he’s dead, don’t you get it?!”

Grace slowly stepped around him to get back into his line of vision. Her voice was kind, tender, and quiet even in this soundless space they currently occupied. “The others might not have been dead but each had their problems. That didn’t upset you so much as this.”

“Yeah but they were still alive.” His voice caught in his throat. “Being alive meant they could fix all the shit they fucked up. Brian’s dead so…that’s it.”

“But you wouldn’t know him in this world.”

“That doesn’t matter!”

She nodded. “You’re right, it doesn’t. Life is important for every person in the world whether you know them or not. And as you pointed out, being alive means anything could happen, anything could change.” Her form began to glow, shimmering brightly as she reached for his hand. “That holds true for anyone Nick. Even you. I’m glad that as hard as it was for you to see this, you’re finally realizing that. Now, we’re going to see what might have been…if you had never chosen the Backstreet Boys.”

He took her hand. As the pair began to fade Nick could feel in that moment was fear.

Fear of what he might see. Fear of what he might feel. Fear of what that knowledge might make him choose.

Maybe I do deserve to go to hell.

Chapter Fourteen

Perception, it’s everything. Everyone thinks they know who others are, and they probably don’t even know their own selves. What about me? Just who am I? Am I Nick Carter – Backstreet Boy? What about that kid in Tampa who got bullied and beat up because I loved to perform? Am I the kid who at ten years old was told he was responsible for the entire family? Am I a good person? I could be the fuckup, that loser who fell from the top and “beat Paris Hilton” to a lot of people. But that’s the thing here. It’s never going to be about who other people think I am. What matters is that I know who I am. And…I think I’m finally starting to figure out just who Nick Carter really is.


The house they came upon was a simple one. It was a light blue in color and the home resembled almost a cottage – middle class and average in a seemingly good, though older, neighborhood. It was a sight that surprised him, truthfully. After everything he’d seen so far Nick honestly expected to come up to a crack house or something. The fact everything was so normal threw him completely off base. Maybe it was due to the fact his friends lives were damaged in one way or another, he expected his to be the same, even in another reality of sorts.

Grace grabbed his arm before he could walk up the sidewalk. “Wait.”

He turned, glancing back in her direction. “What?” Nick smirked sardonically. “Let me guess, wrong house? Fucking figures.”

“No, but you’re going to be here in the body of your alternate self. You’ll be aware of it and remember who you are, but he, the other Nick, will be in control. You’re essentially getting a moment, a snapshot of what his life is like.”

He stared at the angelic being. “Why now?”

“The others weren’t you. He is. He’s the you that never had a chance to exist. So it’s best you really feel it for yourself. That you know what you might be getting in every way.”

“Weird.”

Grace grinned at him. “Personally? I tend to prefer surreal.”

“You enjoy this too much sometimes.”

“Not as much as you think.” Her voice grew soft.

“I still want to know your deal.” Nick told her before looking back at the cozy home.

“Stop stalling, Nick. You don’t need to know. This isn’t my story. It never was. It’s yours.”

He sighed and ran a hand through his messy blonde hair. “…Okay.”

The two started walking. For Nick, each step forward began to feel heavier. He wouldn’t say that out loud but part of suspected his guardian already knew. “You sure I’m gonna be aware of what’s really happening? This shit is the freakiest so far.”

She nodded. “I’ll be with you the whole time you know. Another voice in your head but one the alternate Nick won’t be able to hear. When you walk through that door you’ll open your eyes in his life. But try not to panic.”

He snorted. “Easier said than done.”

“Trust me.”

Nick’s hand rested on the doorknob and he nodded. “It’s the weirdest thing about this, but yeah, I do trust you.”

The door slowly opened and the next thing he knew was a pure, white, blinding light consuming him.

I wonder if this will be what it’s like when…if, I die.

*****

The first thing Nick noticed, trivial as it was, was that this Nick’s personal tastes were the same as his own. In a way that helped set him more at ease with this entire situation. Part of him didn’t want to know how this life was. That was the reason he’d been stalling, why he’d been hesitating. If he just walked away, ignored it, then he could just move on. Move on to what though? To death? His fucked up life? To the unknown life? He didn’t know. The frightening thing about this was knowing. Because what if he wanted it? What if he realized he was willing to sacrifice everything, including the fellas to have this? By dooming them to the lives he’d seen, that was the price he’d pay for this. Knowing that, made him wondering. What kind of person could that make him…if that ended up being the case?

Someone not worthy of this life if it was in all actuality a good one. His head hurt just thinking about it.

“Nick?” Her voice called, a voice he hadn’t expected to hear. Mainly because despite his attempts, House of Carters made his relationship with Bobby Jean Carter worse than it already was. For years she hadn’t been a fan of his and the show so far had only gone to deepen those feelings. The biggest crime in her eyes was the fact he’d never been able to forgive their mother for everything she’d done. He knew their mom would never deserve it.

“Beej?” He glanced around, walking further into the house.

I feel like I’m possessed by an alien or some shit. He thought. I’m here but I can’t do anything of my own will. I wonder if that’s where people get the idea from. Did they stowaway in a body with an angel’s help too?

“I’m in the kitchen!”

Before he went to her, he paused at a photograph that caught his eye along a shelf. There he was, on the set of the Mickey Mouse Club. The choice, the path he never took. He was surrounded by a small group of musketeers. Many he recognized from years of the business in his own life, and from the knowledge this version of himself had – Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Tony Lucca, and JC Chasez who went by Josh back then. He smirked inwardly at Ryan Gosling, the almost Backstreet Boy. But, there was someone missing.

Holy shit. He thought with slight surprise. That asshat Justin Timberlake never got in! It was a connection he made from the fact his other self didn’t even know to look for him in the photo. Did I take his spot? If he had control of this body, he knew he’d have the biggest shit-eating grin possible. That’s a bonus.

“Nick?”

“Sorry! I got distracted.”

Though it wasn’t his life, seeing her brought back everything his alternate self knew about this version of his sister. Sadly, she was one of his best friends. That’s why every time she lost her job or got kicked out of her apartment, he let her crash in his extra bedroom. Besides Angel, it was the only member of his family he was close to. He leaned up against the archway into the kitchen and watched her eating all his food for what felt like the millionth time. “How’d the job hunt go?”

She shrugged. “I overslept and missed my interview.” BJ shot him an apologetic smile before grabbing herself a beer.

“I thought you were cutting back.” I wonder why this me didn’t chew her ass out for being lazy? Or being an alcoholic?

“God Nick, you sound like Dad.”

The comments hit him hard. He sighed and shook his head. “I’m not trying to be like that asshole. I worry about you. About your life and where’s it going.”

She smiled back at him. “I shouldn’t have said that. But Nick, I’m trying, and you’re helping me. Not like Aaron will ever help me. He has millions of dollars and doesn’t even bother to help his family. I would, if I had a million dollars.”

Nick wished he could roll his eyes but was reminded that he was just “visiting” this body. “You could get a job like me.” He moved and grabbed a soda.

“I’m not you Nick.”

“I never said you were. Look when I got older and had every casting director telling me ‘you were nothing but cute child actor and now you’re not even cute anymore’…” He started fixing himself a sandwich mainly for something to do. “I went back to high school, got my fricking diploma. I hated school but I went to college, remember? It was a bitch but…”

“And now you’re an art teacher.” She rolled her eyes as she took another long swig of her beer. “La-de-dah Nickolas!”

He frowned at her. “And sometimes I still get my paintings into the art shows. Sometimes I sell my work. All I know is that I’m actually happy. Are you happy?”

“Not when you’re harping at me!” The beer bottle was tossed roughly into the nearby trashcan before BJ started storming towards the front door. “I thought you were my brother!”

“That’s why I’m trying to help you! That’s why you know you always have a place to go to! Because I’m your brother.” Nick quickly followed her. “Where are you going?”

“To see Leslie! At least I know she won’t give me hell!”

In this life, Nick realized his alternate self didn’t get angry as easily as he did. The fact BJ was able to press the hot buttons so easily felt rather impressive. “Leslie’s gone!”

Wait, what?!

“The dead can’t fix your problems BJ!”

“It’s better than hearing you go on and on!” The door slammed and Nick sighed, heading back into the kitchen to eat the forgotten sandwich so it wouldn’t go to waste.

Unbeknownst to that Nick, inside his mind a whirlwind of confusion was brewing.

Leslie’s dead?! How?! Why?!

Grace’s soft, serene voice answered almost immediately. “Because your spotlight started fading rather quickly around the time you hit fifteen, your mother started putting even more pressure on your siblings. More than she did in your life because in your life you were making enough money to keep you secure. Leslie tried but it never went anywhere. The guilt of failure and pressures from everyone else drove her into the same alcohol and drug problems that haunt you. She died five years ago of a drug overdose.”

Oh my god. He didn’t hear the warnings in her voice. Years later, he’d wish he had. What about the others? What happens to them?

“I thought you told me you didn’t care?” There was no derision in her tone, no mocking. It was a simple question.

I do. What happens to them here?!

“You already know about Aaron. Because of your parents, BJ decided not to bother doing anything with herself. Not too different than the one you know. Maybe even more lost cause here you’re so afraid of losing her you can’t come down too hard. Later on you’ll back down and apologize for chasing her off even though it’s the best thing for her.”

Angel?

“She still models and there’s this inner strength that is so rare to find in the Carter line. That strength to rise up beyond everything that destroys so many members of the family. She uses her modeling money to pay her way through college. You inspired her to be more than a pretty face. It drives her crazy to see you let BJ use you the way she does, but you two are still close. She’s estranged from Aaron in this timeline however, you all are. Same way you are with your parents.”

So my family is still fucked up.

“Fame didn’t destroy your family Nick. You can’t keep blaming yourself for your parents’ mistakes.”

The other Nick finished his sandwich then and picked up his phone as he walked out into the living room. He stared at another photo and dialed a number he knew by heart. In this frame was one of the Carter family as a whole. His parents, his siblings, and himself. They were at the beach and almost looked normal, smiling and laughing like nothing was ever wrong with them. But as the inner Nick noticed, he was only twelve years old in the photo.

He listened to the phone till it got to a voicemail. “Beej, listen, I’m sorry. Please come back. Don’t do anything stupid okay? I only want you to…”

As this Nick rambled into the phone, the visiting one sighed inwardly. Damn I caved quick. I can’t believe that’s the last picture where we all look happy.

“Your mother hated that the Mickey Mouse Club got cancelled about two years into it.” Grace replied, a silhouette of her form appearing within Nick’s vision that he knew the one who belonged to this life couldn’t see. She shimmered and sparkled within the light filtering through the nearby window. “You went to more auditions but all you got were bit parts. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen. You weren’t meant to be an actor, so you moved on. You enjoyed going back to high school and diving into one of your other loves – art.”

I became a fucking teacher. He almost wanted to laugh.

“Inspired by those who believed in you and gave you the sanctuary, the escape, that your parents wouldn’t.” She held out her hand. “Come on, it’s time to go.”

He stepped out of the body almost effortlessly to take her hand in his. “This life, it isn’t perfect.” Nick turned to see his other self going towards an easel he had set up in the living room. Like music had always been his escape, in this life it seemed painting filled that void.

She shook her head. “Nothing is.”

The scene around them began to fade. “But I’m happy here.”

“Yeah, you are.”

Within moments the pair was back in Nick’s apartment. Nick was once again nothing but a specter. His body lay there on the floor, still breathing, his heart still beating presumably. For the first time since this never-ending night began he really noticed just how much of a mess he was. He almost didn’t recognize himself there. Is that really what he’d let himself become? Grace knelt by his body and touched it. A small light left her hand and jumped into the body before she rose once again and turned to face him. He wondered if that was something to give his body more time to live.

“Now, there’s something I should tell you.”

Chapter Fifteen

If I learned nothing on this weird journey, it’s that nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing’s promised to you. The only sure thing is life is life itself. Well, that and death. Everything else is to you to make of it what you will. It doesn’t mean life will be easy but, was it ever supposed to be? What do you think? Because I’m not sure. I don’t think it matters though. Not to me anyway. I’ve decided in the past few years to take life as it comes and enjoy everything that has been given to me. I have more than most. It sucks it took me so long to see it. In the end, that’s enough reason to keep living, keep trying – for myself, and for everyone I care about in this world.


“Now, there’s something I should tell you.”

Nick smirked at her. “There’s a fucking shocker.”

“Smart alec.” But she was grinning. “Still, I don’t think you’re asking for death anymore, are you?”

He shook his head, gazing back at his still body.”No, not yet.” A sigh followed, deep and tired. “That life was good Grace. I liked it. I could almost see myself living it.”

“But, cause I know there’s a but.”

The corners of his mouth twitched. “But it was knowing what could happen. Knowing what it does to the fellas, knowing what it does to Leslie…”

She bit her lip.”Well, that’s the thing I should tell you, actually.”

“What do you mean?”

Her sweet and innocent big blue eyes shone with all the wisdom and pain from the unknown amount of years her being a celestial creature could possibly carry. Not for the first time was Nick curious about the burdens she kept buried beneath that angelic smile. “Nothing I showed you was certain. Nothing in life or in possibilities can ever be sure. I can’t tell you what would absolutely happen if I made it so that in 1992 you decided not to be a Backstreet Boy…”

“Then what was that then?!” Nick heard himself shouting as his face grew warm with rage. He was angry, so angry and frustrated. Was none of this real? “Why show me that at all?!” Why put me through the pain of seeing Brian die? Why Brian? Of seeing Kevin’s life get as fucked up as mine? Why AJ was dying, and poor Howie.

“Because.” Grace’s voice infuriatingly calm. Especially for someone like him, who couldn’t keep his temper if his life depended on it. “Because those lives could happen. It’s like spinning a roulette wheel to try and guess which life comes to be if you change your path even slightly. You just don’t know. I don’t know. The only one who knows is the Big Boss above and He won’t say. Your life, if you’d taken me up on my offer could be the one I showed you. It could be even better. It could be worse. That’s the risk.”

“But it could be better.”

“Yeah but it’s like you said Nick – your siblings, your bandmates, you don’t know what would happen. That’s what kills you.”

“No shit.” He muttered. I’d want to know they were okay, better off. The only way I’d know is if everything stayed the same. If I don’t change anything, I’ll know they’re alright.

Grace smiled at him and for the first time Nick could see two wings. They were as white as the purest snow and resembled wings of a dove as they extended from her back. “I always knew you wouldn’t take me up on that choice. You’re too good a soul. It’s why God sees what you can do, your potential to bring so much joy to the world. You can help save others like you by reaching out to them. It’s also why I gave you the offer to begin with. So you could realize it for yourself.”

He was silent for a few moments, taking everything in.

“I can’t believe none of it was real.” Nick said as he stared at the floor.

“No, a lot of it was real.” Grace stepped forward, taking his hands. “The memories? Those were real. That was your life. The good, the bright moments, no one can take those from you. The love your friends have for you? That’s real. It never went anywhere.”

“I…” But she was right. Even in the recent memories and moments, she’d shown him just how much Brian, AJ, Howie, and Kevin still cared about him. He was still their little brother even if he stopped being able to see it. They were his family even when his own refused to accept him without the conditions he refused to meet.

“You’re able to keep chasing your dreams and keep reaching them. How many can say that? Your life isn’t perfect but no life is. That’s the whole point. But look at what you do have…and there can be more.”

Everything began to shimmer around them.

“There can be so much more.” Her voice whispered in his ear.

*****

They were in Malibu. Nick was sure of it. The house was beautiful and somewhat simple to his surprise. It was likely high priced as it sat along the beach with an amazing ocean view. Nick walked through the home as he gazed around. There were some beautifully done paintings of space along the walls. The windows were huge and let in a lot of sun, giving it an open, airy sort of feeling. Then a plaque showing how many times Millennium went platinum caught his eye and he turned around towards Grace. On another wall he saw a plaque from some film festival awarding the group for a documentary called Show Em What You’re Made Of. She was kneeling down and petting a very excited pug.

“Is this mine?”

“Aww Nacho you’re so cute!” She shook her head. “No, not yet.”

“Yet?”

She stood with a slight shrug. “I mean yet. This is a future that is a definite possibility. This can be real. This isn’t some roulette wheel. He asked me to show you this, at the end, when you were close to choosing which way to go. Your life can go one of two ways at this point, depending on which path you go down.”

“Nick?”

The pair turned. Nick stared at a tall, beautiful and almost exotic looking woman with long brown hair though he had yet to catch a glimpse of her face. “Who’s that?”

“Come on Nacho! I told you daddy wasn’t home yet.” The pug trotted away happily.

Grace smiled simply. “That could be someone very special. She could be your wife, Nick. She could be everything you’ve been looking for, if you let yourself be open to it.”

He snorted, crossing his arms though his eyes never left the direction she’d gone. “I don’t believe in marriage.”

“Again, yet. I know your parents and their mess has you afraid. Your family, the whole Carter line in general so really our family has its history of both artistic talents and dysfunction. But you can be the one to start fixing it. You can help change that.”

“Why didn’t you?”

She gazed away. “Because I, like you, didn’t care if I threw my life away. I simply wasn’t given the second chance you are. I’ve regretted that moment for the rest of my existence and I always will. I don’t want that for you. Look at this. This is the type of life you want. It was why that choice I offered was so tempting, wasn’t it? You can make this life for yourself.”

“You’re serious.” Nick murmured. “This can really be my life?” He picked up a photo on the shelf. In it were all five of them, as a group, getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. A glance at the date showed it to be around their 20th anniversary as a group. Seven years from now. We last that long? We’re still able to make albums and keep going? He knew the rules of getting a star. Every celebrity did.

Their surroundings began to shimmer once more. “Yes.” He suspected that it was an answer to the questions spoken and unspoken. “But there’s one other future for you that’s just as clear and certain as this one is as of right now.”

The area was dark as she took his hand and led him forward. He could hear crickets chirping as the wet grass crunched beneath his feet. Her footsteps made no sound at all. The moon was high in the sky above them and gave a gloomy sort of lonely beauty around them. She stopped suddenly and pointed just beyond them. “Or this could still happen, if you don’t change. If you don’t work for a better life for yourself and stop with drowning your problems in alcohol and drugs…”

Nick stared at the headstone before him.

Nickolas Gene Carter
January 28th, 1980 – October 8th, 2007
Friend. Son. Bandmate. Brother.

“Your siblings with the exception of Angel fight over who gets your money.” Grace said from behind. “Your funeral is massive, surrounded by fans and press who couldn’t believe you were found dead in a hotel from a drug overdose. Just the latest member of the Twenty-Seven Club. You died alone and the fellas, they blamed themselves for being unable to stop it. Kevin especially, since he left the group.”

“This can happen?” Despite everything, he wanted to dive right back down into denial.

“If you don’t stop it. You can have the other life. It may not be perfect but you’ll love it and be happy. Or, you can have this. It’s up to you. It always has been.”

He turned and stared at her. “I don’t want to die. Not now. And not like that.”

“You almost did tonight. But Nick, what do you want?”

“I want…I want that girl. I want that life.”

She smiled at him as her form began to glow. “You know something funny? I don’t think you ever really wanted to die. All you needed was for me to remind you of that.”

“I don’t know how to get there though.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll figure it out. I know.” She touched his forehead and suddenly there was nothing but a blinding light. He couldn’t see anything but white. Everything felt warm and hot as the world seemed to buzz. Her voice was fading as it echoed around him.

“Because I have faith in you Nick. You’re going to be just fine.”

*****

In his next moment of awareness, he found as hard as he tried, he couldn’t open his eyes.

“Nick! Nick! Stay with me!” Kevin’s voice yelled. It sounds like he’s yelling. Holy fuck.

All that came out was a groan.

“You’re in an ambulance little man, okay? I can’t have you dying on me.” He sounded like he was crying. Kevin was always the first of them to get emotional. It was almost funny over the years. Someone who could be the most uptight in the group at times was always the first to bawl like a baby. But deep down, Nick always loved that about him. “I called the others. They’ll be here okay? Brian’s even flying out from Atlanta. We need you Nick. I can’t…I’m sorry if leaving got to you this much.” There was more crying. “When you wake up, I’ll explain it all if I have to. It wasn’t you Nick. It was me and I didn’t want to bring you down.”

You didn’t bring me down Kevin. Nick thought groggily. Whatever drugs were still in his system and whatever the EMTs gave him were messing with his thought process a bit. It took all his efforts but his eyes finally opened so that he could blink up at another bright light and Kevin’s face that seemed to age ten years within ten minutes or however long ago he’d found him. It was tiring but Nick also managed to squeeze Kevin’s hand that was wrapped around his.

“You’re awake!” He looked around for the EMT as the ambulance wailed and sped forward. “He’s awake!”

I’m awake, and I’m alive. Don’t worry Kev, I’m not going anywhere.

I don’t want to miss a thing.

Epilogue

You, more than anyone should understand what it might mean. You, more than anyone, understand me.


Seeing Brian walk up towards me made me nervous. I knew he wasn’t offended by the fact I only asked Howie to be one of the groomsmen. Lauren and Leighanne can’t stand each other and honestly as close as I am to Howie, I would’ve asked Brian if I didn’t think the rehearsal didn’t would be awkward as hell between those two. It took years but he and I finally started mending all the broken and burned bridges between us over the years. Looking back, it’s my own fault. I’m the one who couldn’t handle him growing up and getting close to Leighanne. I’ll never completely like her but now I can respect the fact he loves her, which means there must be something good about her.

Still, he never responded to my letter so I was half waiting for him to commit me.

Maybe that’s why he called me to meet him at the pier by my house the night before my wedding. I was leaning up against the wooden railing when he stepped up beside me. I love watching the ocean. There’s something so soothing about watching it crash up against the shore. As much as I love Nashville, I knew I was going to miss that the most when we moved into our new house. Oh I’d still have a place out here but mainly for recording. LA was toxic for me. Tennessee helped me find a peace in my life I didn’t know was possible, at least before that Night of the Zombies.

“I don’t think you’re crazy.” He said out of nowhere. Brian could always read my mind.

I smirked. “You sure? Cause writing it down made me feel like I am crazy. You remember how I was at the hospital. Maybe it was some coke and alcohol induced fantasy my brain cooked up.”

“If you believed that you would’ve written the letter to AJ. Not me.”

“What do you think then?”

He ran a hand through his thinning hair and thought for a moment. You can always tell cause his jaw sort of sets a certain way and he hums though I don’t think he realizes it. “I think that night you or your soul let out a cry for help to God, and He answered you. Same way my mom did for me when I was a baby, and she was answered.”

I kept my gaze on the ocean. How could I even answer that?

“Look at what you’ve done. Look at how many fans tell you your book saved them from doing something drastic or helped them get help they needed. You’ve done so much since getting your act together. Look at everything the group is doing.” He smiled softly. “You were meant to keep living and this Grace you wrote about showed you that.”

“She warned me about Leslie, in her own way. She tried to though I don’t think she was allowed to say it outright.”

“I saw that.”

“You think I could’ve saved her Brian?”

He grew quiet for a moment. After Leslie died I thought a lot about Grace, suddenly saw the warnings. I wondered a lot about what I could’ve done. It’s why I dove into music so heavily when it happened. I needed a way to cope without going back to old habits. “I think you did everything you could. And I think saving yourself was the only thing you were meant to do. Leslie’s up there and she’s happy for you.”

I nodded. “I hope so too. I’d like to think she is.”

“Your parents failed her Nick, not you.”

“I know.” Though I knew deep down he was right, old habits die hard. I wondered if I’d ever stop completely taking responsibility for my siblings.

Then, off on the ocean, where no person could be standing without drowning, I saw her. Not Leslie, no. But Grace. She was in a white dress that blew back in the wind. Her wings were spread out behind her as she dipped her foot into the water. She smiled at me and suddenly I saw another vision. Lauren and I were in the hospital with twins in our arms. I saw the five of us being inducted into the freaking Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Another image flashed of myself as an old man, dying with a smile on my face at having lived a full life. I saw the legacy of the Backstreet Boys, finally recognized for everything we’d done musically, instead of mocked.

Grace waved at me before erupting into nothing but glittery lights fading into the night.

“Nick? You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

I told you Nick. Her voice seemed to travel along the breeze. You’re going to be just fine.

I didn’t doubt her in the slightest. She’d shown me all the reasons in the world to live.

And I was never going to let them go.