I Can Make You Believe

























“Make a wish.”

Brian stopped himself, looking up from the empty boxes that he was trying to close. Christmas time had finally started, bringing with it the joyful notes sang by Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, the multicolored lights that decorated every single house and centimeter of towns and cities, even the smallest ones. It was the first proper Christmas that Brian and Nick managed to celebrate since first getting together, almost two years of a relationship that both of them had always desired but never dared to have; the house, that house that they had brought together, was finally all dressed up for the festivities and they were finishing up in the living room, where they had brought in a tall and green tree: its branches already were draped with golden necklace and silver ear rings, red stars have decided to lent on that green and blue balls narrated about snowstorms and wished a Merry Christmas. Only a golden star was left waiting inside Nick’s hands and that was the main reason why Brian wore a confused look on his face. Where was he supposed to wish upon?

“Why?” He asked, already dreading whatever idea Nick’s mind had come up with.

“It’s a tradition. Well, sort of. It’s something that my parents did one year and then forgot as usual. But I really liked it, you know? I really loved it so I kept doing on my own through the years. – Nick shrugged as if he wanted to chase away those memories of so many Christmas spent all alone, decorating a house that always seemed dull and grey no matter how many lights he would put on. Not anymore, though. Not now that he had Brian and that unusual but loving family that they had built together. – It’s very simple, you just have to make a wish before putting the last decoration on the top of the tree and lighting it up. That was the angels might see it and make it come true.”

Reaching out, Brian caressed Nick’s hand as, on his tiptoes, he slightly and gently brushed the cheek with a kiss. The blue, in Nick’s eyes, had darkened with that shadow and shade that always made an appearance when the boy talked or just remembered something from his past: Brian knew that he would never be able to erase it, no matter how hard he would try or how many wishes he made; words, meaningless sentences pronounced by someone who never had to deal with a life lack of love and affection, would never be able to soothe the dull pain or soften the blow made many and many years before. Bur Brian loved Nick and most of the times, with love there was no need for words but it took only a kiss, a brush of fingertips or a hug to heal a wound of the past.

Nick’s lips curved in a smile, a warm feeling spreading from that touch on his cheek and travelling all through his body and soul. He appreciated the gesture, more than Brian would ever know or guess; he appreciated that absence of words and not because he didn’t think or believe that they could help but, mostly, because he just didn’t want to dwell on that past anymore. He didn’t want to spoil that moment, a memory they were going to look back in the future and, when that would happen, Nick wanted just to remember how happy he felt and how adorable Brian looked while trying to understand that silly request.

“You know... – Brian said, interrupting the silence and placing his head on Nick’s shoulder. - … you should make a wish.”

“I asked first.”

A silver laughter escaped in the air, its sound mixing and melting within the notes coming from the melody of a Christmas song on the radio. The fire was cracking happily next to the tree, sitting there like an old grandpa who wanted to control and survey on the decoration process.

“I really don’t have a wish. – Brian admitted in a soft voice. – I already have everything that I will ever wish or desire.”

Nick’s expression diminished, a serious frown appeared and curved his eyebrows while he turned to look and observe Brian’s face. He didn’t expect that answer from him, not with all his struggles and problems still going on and with his voice being a question mark that didn’t want to turn into a point. He knew that it was silly, he knew he wasn’t a child anymore and that wishing something on a star didn’t actually meant that it was going to happen.

Still, it was worth a try.

Still, someone and whoever was up there in the sky and was having fun pulling strings here and there, might heard Brian’s wish and decided that maybe it was enough, that maybe it was time to give that man a break and just move on the next one in line.

Still Nick missed Brian’s voice. He missed coming back home and not hearing that voice carrying tunes and words through all the rooms, he missed those days when he didn’t have to worry if that particularly day was a good or a bad one because, no matter what, he and the group could always count on Brian and his flawless voice. Though that was one of the thousand reasons why everything had started to crumple and shattered before they could even put up a fight and stop that destruction.

Still Nick just wanted for Brian to be happy again. Completely happy and not just barely okay because things could have been worse or because there had been progresses. Still Nick wanted, more than anything in the world, for his partner to be fully, one hundred percent healed and healthy again. Back to that old self that Nick had fallen in love with when he barely knew what and who he wanted in his life. Back to that kid that had cheated death as if he was just playing a basketball match, back to that man that never backed down in front of the obstacles and certainly not that broken soul that had stopped believing in himself and his voice.

“Ehi. Nick. I appreciate the thought but...”

“But what?”

Brian bit down his lips nervously. It wasn’t hard to understand why Nick wanted to badly that he was the one making the wish, or why he had brought up that tradition now after years of celebrating Christmas together. And he really appreciated it, more than he could ever admit it out loud because it was refreshing, it was wonderful and amazing knowing that there was still someone who hadn’t lost his faith and belief among that grayness and darkness.

Nick never really stopped believing. Not for even one second. Not even when things got really bad, not even when Brian could barely speak without feeling like his throat was burning as if someone was trying to strangle him. That undying faith in him, that trust that came hand in hand with a love that had become stronger and stronger between the fights and those discussions full of hurtful and painful words, never faltered for one second and had been the corner stone where Brian had hidden for so many times. And Brian needed that faith. Brian still needed to know that there was someone, that one person he trusted and cared more than anyone else in world, convinced and sure that he was going to make it through.

Sometimes Brian wished to possess even half of the conviction that Nick showed and held on to. But someone, in that couple, needed to be realistic and wishing on things that maybe could not happen ever again was something that Brian couldn’t afford anymore. And, sometimes, Brian wanted to shake Nick until that faith would be broken, shattered like his own, so at least he wouldn’t have to bear that disappointed look inside those eyes whenever he failed to hit notes that should have been easier.

“But it’s not a wish that will bring back my voice.”

“I know. – Nick replied sharply. – It doesn’t hurt to try though.”

“I just don’t see the point. – Brian sighed, taking the golden star from Nick’s hand. How could that plastic object turn into the cure for all his problems? Could it be really that magical and powerful? – I accepted my situation, Nick. I can’t afford to mislead myself. It’s not fair.”

“I can’t believe it. – Nick’s tone rose up, embracing a slight note of anger against those words. No, not only those words but, mostly, the look of defiance that pictured and added lines on Brian’s face. – You’ve given up.”

“I didn’t. I’m still fighting it. Every day. But I need to be realistic. One of us has to be.” Brian’s tone was firm, a solid defense against that low blown that Nick knew it was going to hurt. At least he still hadn’t lost his ability to hide and cover the hurt, pushing every energy and strength so that his voice wouldn’t break or crack.

“Being realistic does sound a lot like giving up.”

Nick didn’t wait for Brian to reply, didn’t wait for another lie or alibi to be delivered as if it was an untouchable truth. So Nick left before Brian could allure him back into explanations that did made sense, words that painted a situation that he would never be able to understand because he wasn’t the one living through it. And that was the worst. That was the burning feeling that smelled like shame, regret for having acted, again, as a spoiled child who couldn’t and didn’t want to handle the truth; embarrassment because if there was someone that should be frustrated and irritated by that situation wasn’t certainly him: the worst was knowing that there wasn’t anything that he could actually do to help his best friend and lover, the worst was that feeling of being useless and helpless as if he was already being counted out in that battle that required only two enemies and fighters.

It sucked. It hurt. And there was nothing Nick could do to change it.

The cold hit him as soon as Nick passed through the door and got out on the porch; a shiver began to dance upon his skin but he still refused to march back inside and admit his defeat. Being angry at Brian, being frustrated at him and his apparent surrender was a far better solution because, at least, he had a target instead than a nameless and invisible enemy that was so hard to capture and hit until he couldn’t hurt anymore.

Still, it wasn’t fair to Brian. Still Nick couldn’t shake away the feeling that he should got back and apologize, trying to understand where that defeating appearance came from instead than throwing a fit until his wish would be made true.

Sounds of footsteps slowly approached; two arms encircled his waist as Brian’s head leaned against Nick’s back; small touches, brief and comforting kisses caressed the thin fabric of the shirt Nick was wearing while fingertips drew meaningless lines on his stomach. A sigh escaped Nick’s lips as warm waves of love and comfort started to conquer inch and inch of skin and soul; Nick just closed his eyes, leaning in that embrace and placing his hands upon Brian’s, covering them in a gesture that wanted to convey a simple and small message. “I’m not angry at you.” Those fingertips wanted to say but they couldn’t really explain why he had acted that way.

“Nick. Don’t, okay? Don’t do this.” Brian’s voice was muffled by Nick’s shirt but the man still could feel every movement, vibrations that sort of challenged those shivers born by the cold.

“Go inside, Brian. You’re gonna catch something.” Those weren’t the words that Nick had wanted to pronounce but it had become such a natural instinct that worry, that needing to make sure his lover was taken care of and wasn’t going to worse his health. Another fragment of love, Nick suspected. Another fragment of that selfless mind that was slowly taking over his brain and was forcing him to make Brian the whole point his world needed to rotate around.

“You have a way weaker immune system than me. – Brian giggled inside Nick’s back. – You are the one that needs to come back inside. You’re gonna catch something and I’m gonna catch it from you.”

“That’s true. – Came Nick’s reply in a laughter that lightened up the air and the atmosphere. – I can’t help worrying about you. All the time.”

Everyone would have taken those words with a soft heart, happy to know that someone was looking out for them and wanted to make sure that they were all right. Not Brian. It wasn’t as if he didn’t want for Nick to be worried about him, because of course a part of him did and soared up into those words; but then there was the other part of himself, that side that had decided a long time ago that he didn’t want to be looked or treated as if he was a frail vase, ready to shatter into million pieces if only another drop of water would touch its surface. Brian had fought so hard to turn around how people usually treated him, he had fought so hard to prove that he was more than his heart problems. Or his voice issues.

“Don’t. I’m okay.” Brian said, closing his eyes as a part of himself flinched at those words. It was instinctive. It was a natural response that forced him to lie about himself at any circumstances. Even with Nick. Even if Nick already knew that his “I’m okay” was just a mask under which thousands and thousands of fears and insecurities swam peacefully and were ready to suffocate and submerge his spirit.

“You’re not okay. – Nick replied, all his anger and frustration disappearing as he turned around and enveloped that small human frame inside his arms. His lips found their way to Brian’s forehead, that skin almost too cold and there left a brush of a kiss. – I get it. More than anyone else, I understand. That’s why I’m willing to try everything just to see you smile again. The real Brian Littrell smile, the one that could light up a room and wasn’t shadowed by sadness.”

As if to contradict or to agree to those words, Brian didn’t know which one was, a small smiled managed to break through his high defenses. It was still strange being such an important satellite in that universe where it had always been Nick the planet where all the attentions and worries merged into; it was strange because Brian wasn’t used to be scrutinized in that detailed way, especially by Nick. It was unsettling. It was unbalancing.

“But I’m okay, Nick. – Brian replied, stressing those words because he wanted Nick to understand that it wasn’t a lie. Not anymore. – And, especially, I’ve made peace with my situation. Do I like it? Of course no. Do I think that it sucks? It freaking sucks and yes, there are times when I’m frustrated and I want to scream how unfair all of this is. But what good would do? Would it change my voice magically? No. It won’t. And I can’t keep hoping for a miracle to happen. I can’t afford it.”

“I’m not asking you to just stop with therapy and everything and hold on to a stupid wish made upon a star. Just don’t stop believing that you can be that man again. Because...”

“What if it doesn’t happen? I already went down that road, Nick. And you… you know very well where it led me to. – A shiver ran on both Brian and Nick’s spine as the memories, resuscitated from those words, stood between them as a figureless ghost. Brian moved away from Nick, stepping back and turning his back towards him because he knew that he wouldn’t be able to cover up all the emotions and feelings that those memories brought up with them. He inhaled and exhaled, trying to remember all those breathing exercises that his therapists, almost all of them, tried to teach him. When he was finally sure to have some sort of control of that tangle inside his throat, he did turn around and looked straight into Nick’s eyes. – I don’t want to live something like that ever again.”

No, none of them wanted to go down on that ever again but that didn’t mean that Nick still could accept Brian’s resignation. There had to be a middle ground, a sort of limbo where both of their thoughts and ideas could live together and in harmony.

Nick took a few steps towards Brian, reaching out his hands to take Brian’s. His grip was strong, firm and determined not to let him go again. He had made that mistake so many times before than now it didn’t matter who was right or wrong, or how angry or frustrated both of them were: he would never let Brian run away from him ever again.

“You won’t. I won’t let it happen. I’m stronger now. We are stronger.”

“I’m not saying that you don’t have to believe. I need you to still have faith in me. I need you to keep believing that there’s still a chance. But I can’t because you know what will happen then?”

“Brian...”

“I’ll start believing again. I’ll start building my hopes up because I’m getting better and because I’m having more good days than bad ones. And then one of those will happen. Then, just like the last time, I might wake up one day with no voice at all and I’ll be crushed again.”

“But what if it happens? What if there will be only good days and no bad ones at all?” Nick didn’t back down. Brian might be stubborn but he wasn’t less of him. And if a few years ago he wouldn’t reply or would let it go because he thought that he couldn’t stand up to Brian, now Nick knew better. Now Nick knew that he could face Brian without that horrible and exhausting fear of losing his friendship. Or his love. Or being left alone once again.

“Then I will be the happiest man alive. – Brian replied with honesty and sincerity. – But right now I need to accept that this is how I sound. This is the best I can be for the time being and this voice is what we’ll have to work with when we will be back in the studio.”

“I know. I know. But it’s just a small wish...” Nick’s voice took up a whining voice for the atmosphere was brought back to just playful words between couple.

“Well, I’m not saying you shouldn’t keep up with your tradition…”

“But I wanted you to make the wish!”

“But you’re taller than me. Maybe the wish will have more chance if you’re the one making it. Come on Nicky! – Brian exclaimed while pulling Nick’s arm to make him come back inside. – You know that I can’t put that star on the damn tree! I need you!”

With a playful grin, Nick pulled Brian towards him and, taking the partner by surprise, managed to make him falling against his body.

“So now you need me…” Nick’s voice lowered into a whisper, a soft murmur that brushed Brian’s ear and sent a shiver down on his spine.

“Well… I actually need your height more…” It was Brian’s reply, his tone matching Nick’s as his fingertips left a trail of delicate touches on Nick’s chest.

“Oh, I see. You’re keeping me for my height then.”

“That and other few things.”

“And those other things are…”

“Maybe I’ll show you if you come back and put that star on.” Brian said, stepping then away from Nick and walking slowly towards the door. Nick followed him silently, knowing that discussing and talking wouldn’t change the man’s idea.

And he was okay with it. Sort of. He couldn’t force Brian to believe in something just for his sake, just to satisfy the need of a childish soul that still believed in superheroes, even when the spirit of those heroes was fractured and they kept their heads down and just worked to make it through alive.

Nick was okay with it. He was more than okay in being the only one believing that Brian could make it through, that Brian could and was going to regain that angelic and perfect voice that the world still needed to hear and listen to. He could believe in it for the two of them, it wasn’t a big deal. And when finally the golden star found its place on the very top of the Christmas tree, Nick didn’t wish for a miracle to happen. He just wished that, one day, Brian could start believing in miracles again.

Nick just wished that, one day in the near future, Brian would start to believe in himself once again.