Back To December

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying
“I’m sorry for that night”.

"Back To Decemeber, Taylor Swift"

December

The front door opened and let inside the cold air of a December night that had the particular smell of the first snow of the year: those flakes that already brought with them the aroma of cinnamon and mistletoe, silver and red bells playing notes and melodies knew by everyone since childhood.

The sandy blonde haired man, though someone would correct that adjective with another that would revoke the color of honey blended with wheat, closed the door behind his back with a loud thump, for his hands were occupied and all he could use was his foot.

“Honey, I’m home!” A hoarse voice escaped his lips, though delight and happiness were latched to that tone, as the small man reached the counter and finally freed his hands of the weights they had been holding since that moment.

The house had been silent since his entrance, swallowed by a darkness dimmed by the lights of cars passing by so, for a second, Brian hadn’t been able to notice the shadowed figure of Nick standing in front of the window, his face and expression totally unreadable from that distance. A little sting of worry started to crease Brian’s forehead but he dismissed it quickly, shutting it down as one of those moods Nick was always bound to fall into from time to time and that would pass in a blink of an eye: he would be snappy or total silent, locked in that same dark place that Brian had discovered during the past years and that, in a weird and complicated way, had managed to bring them together despite their difference and their history: Brian now could understand better most of the reasons why Nick had fallen so deep back when he didn’t have any support by his side; back when all people wanted from him were money and his fame, taking up pieces of his confidences and leaving him with the only solution to obscure pain and failure between waves of drugs and alcohol. And, in those short months of intimate relationship, Brian had learned that sometimes the past could come back, even if the sun was shining brightly and happiness was the first smile appearing in the morning, stretched with sleepy eyes but with a storm slowly approaching and with the intention of overcast the brightness.

For a brief moment, so, Brian just stood in the middle of the kitchen, an open space that blended into the living room, and observed the figure standing in front of the window, its forehead leaning against the window panel and a reflection that didn’t help much with clues or hints. Brian’s first instinct had always been to reach out and comfort the younger man, make him feel and taste with his own hands that he had no reasons or motives to feel lonely, unworthy and abandoned in the world; his first instinct was to show him that there would always been someone who would care for him, worry and who would try his best to make him feel better, to chase away the storm and bring back the sunshine. And that instinct had always been the rising tide of many, too many fights and discussions back in the past, when Brian didn’t know how someone’s own mind could become its own worst enemy and shut down all the good that was standing and surrounded it; when Brian didn’t know that kisses and caresses couldn’t be enough and that the only solution was just to act as normally as possible, waiting for the sudden instant when Nick would sit down, place his head on his lap, and start confessing all those tainted words that had haunted him since then. With that lesson learned by experience, Brian turned his gaze away from Nick and kept acting normal, ready to comfort his lover when he would be ready.

“Sorry, I know I’m late. - Brian started to speak even though Nick still didn’t seem to acknowledge his presence. It didn’t matter, for now Brian had learned that soon all his chatting and rumblings would be able to rescue Nick from that dark and deep corner his mind had fallen into. - Since there wasn’t anyone after me, I added another hour of extra therapy and exercise but I forgot how terrible traffic is at this hour. And then I remember that we were out of groceries so I stopped at the first Wal-Mart on the way: they already had all the stuff for making and decorating cookies so I bought them because I think it’s time for you to learn how to bake them instead than buying those low calories, low sugar and tasteless that you keep wanting to call cookies when they aren’t.”

Brian glanced up towards Nick but the man was still in the same position, apparently not listening to his words and so absorbed in whatever he was thinking and reflecting at the moment. That past sting of concern bubbled up, as if it had been a sudden wave that had found its strength and had rushed over the sand, bringing back with it a small bite of confidence. Maybe something had happened and Nick just didn’t know how to tell him and that old fear, forgotten yet still lingering inside his soul, was already starting to raise its ugly head waiting for the right moment to attack.

“But that’s not the reason why I’m late. - Brian brushed those thoughts off, chalking them up to his endless over thinking and continuing with his chatting while putting away the food and leaving on the counter only two things. - Outside the shop there was this old woman, wearing clothes that looked not warm enough for the weather and… I know, I know. You always warn me that I shouldn’t stop in front of every homeless person I met but this woman… I don’t know, she looked so sad and cold that I couldn’t just walk past without doing anything. So I went back to the store and bought her some donuts and a hot chocolate. She didn’t want to accept them at first, claiming that she didn’t have any money to pay me back so I argued that I didn’t care, I didn’t expect anything back but only wanted to do something for her.”

Finally a breath seemed to lift from Nick’s lips, a puff of air filled with a mumble of words that Brian couldn’t catch properly; a small smile, yet, started to curve the corners of Nick’s mouth, though his eyes kept staring at the glass with that dark and emotionless blue that was becoming quite frightening. Something inside Nick had snapped to reality, waking that part that Nick had tried to numb since the moment Brian had came back with that glow of warmth and love that it was hard, almost impossible to resist. All of his reasons, all of his thoughts and considerations seemed to falter, lose all their importance and force because how could he be afraid of something so beautiful and full of enthusiasm? How could he fear something that had always managed to bring the colors in and washed away all the traces of darkness that lingered inside him? Yet, it was frightening because it was something unknown, stranger to someone who had never been used to be the receiving end of such amount of love and affection. Real love, the one made of those kinds of conversations so utterly mundane and ordinary instead than the love had seen growing up, made up with screaming duels because… Nick had to shake his head, wanting to forget about those memories but the damage had already been done. The smile quickly disappeared from his face, his eyes darkened even more as his hands closed into fists, so tight that his knuckles turned white from the strain to be released and caress that concerned, worried and full of love face that was observing him from the kitchen. It didn’t matter how his heart had started to flutter the moment the door had let the other man inside the house, or how his whole being had been immediately  wrapped inside the familiar aroma of Brian and how his voice, although carrying the fatigue of the past hours of exercises, had became golden melody for his ears, shattering the silence and remembering how full of color his world had been since that small man had decided to be part of his life: Nick had already made his decision and there was no turning back, no retreating or doubting. He had to save himself before it would be too late, before he would be too much wrapped and trapped into Brian that a simple mistake or wrong step would turn into a nuclear catastrophe, leaving behind only a damaged and broken soul that wouldn’t be able to survive after knowing what it felt to be loved and love.

Nick had to do it, even if it meant destroying the most beautiful thing he had ever held in his hands; even if it meant destroying a heart that had never been hesitant in giving as much love as possible and that had always tried its hardest to heal and repair all the damage it had encountered while making its way within Nick’s soul. But it was an impossible cause, he was an impossible cause, so Nick returned to numb all those emotions and feelings that Brian’s presence had raised, locking his gaze into the nothingness of the world outside that room, grey and dark as he was feeling.

Brian paused for a split second, ready to drop all those meaningless words and go over his partner, soothing and caressing away all those thoughts and whatever was holding him trapped in that stone cold posture and expression. It kinda scared him, a strange and cold sensation had started to spread its roots inside his gut and insinuating a warning that Brian’s mind and heart didn’t want to listen to. It was fear, it was doubt and those were fragments that had been able to trap and ruin his voice for so long: he wasn't going to let them ruin something that, apparently, looked as if one of Nick’s bad day. So he took the last item left in one of the bags, a bunch of red roses that would never be defined as the most beautiful and delicate.

“The old woman didn’t want to let me go without giving me something in return for my kindness so she gave me those roses. Apparently she could tell that I had a special someone waiting for me. - Brian explained, putting the flowers in a vase and placing them at the centre of the table in the living room. - They aren’t beautiful and they are probably going to die sooner than normal but… well, that woman was right. I really have someone special and he does deserve something special from time to time.” Brian’s voice softened, its tone filling up with so much love that it became a warm blanket that wrapped itself around Nick and, at the same time,  made his heart clench painfully inside his chest.

Suddenly Nick was aware of Brian’s reflection appearing behind him in the window, grays and blacks disappearing as if an invisible sponge had decided that it was time for him to face the reality instead than following and trying to catch thoughts and clouds that wanted only to take him away from Brian. Even with tufts of hair wet and curled by the few snowflakes that he had caught on his way home, rosy cheeks and nose both from the heat and cold still lingering on his skin, Brian never ceased to be the most beautiful man Nick had ever laid his eyes on: his heart still couldn’t help but beat a little faster, as if it couldn’t contain the excitement of realizing once more that those blue eyes, shining with a light of love as if they were stars stolen from the sky, were really gazing into Nick’s figure; as if those words, that Brian had spoken just a few seconds before, were really about him and not someone else who deserved them more: because Nick wasn’t special, he had never been special and many people had assured that he knew that, starting from his parents and waving through all those friendships that had  existed only because of his fame, popularity and money; because Nick wasn’t special and, yet, someone like Brian had decided not only that he was worth being his friend but, slowly and without even making a big gesture, that he deserved his immense and infinite love and dedication, his tenderness and kindness, his taking him and designing his whole world around him. And slowly Nick had started doing the same, had beginning to fall so in love with Brian that he had let all his defenses crumble down, let Brian see him without the glitter and the upfront he had always put up for his fans. Nick had let Brian inside his world, made of shattered pieces and a wood full of ugly creatures, sure that the other man would run away as fast as he could.

He had been wrong. So damn wrong because his worst nightmare hadn’t come alive: not only Brian hadn’t been scared of, not only Brian had stayed but he had tried to heal, to turn those terrible beasties into something more docile and painless.

Nick could pinpoint the exact moment when he had realized that the damage was already done, the instant when his heart had made a jump as he realized that he was in love with Brian: not just a crush, not just an infatuation that would quickly burn out as the winter would approach and the summer’s magic would lose its power, its veil of colors and romantic paintings would be ripped off by the first storm, by the same force that would let flowers and leaves die in sadness and loneliness. He remembered, Nick, that they were driving although their destination was a blur in that moment; he remembered how he had said something, maybe a joke about the song they were listening to the radio; he remembered how Brian had thrown his head back, laughing at the top of his lungs, his honey hair caressed by the wind and his skin warmed and tainted with a shade of gold by the sun: Nick’s heart had literally stopped, caught in his throat as some words were bubbling up and trying to let themselves being noticed and known.  

“Gosh, I love this man.”

That had been his first thought and that had been the end of everything. That had been the moment when he had realized that he was screwed, because he had fallen hard and deep and trying to get out alive wasn’t going to be an easy task. As time passed by and autumn arrived with its brown and dark orange colors, still Nick hadn’t found a way to put a stop to that death ride: part of him hadn’t wanted to detract himself out of the equation because Brian did make him feel something he only felt when he had been on stage: alive. Happy. Loved. Illusion had lulled him into thinking that, maybe, it could work and that he could have what thousands of people already had and treasured. But the more time passed by, the more he felt like trapped, prisoner of his own web of doubts and fears and his only solution had been to put more and more distance between his soul and Brian’s burning love as he tried to find alibi and justifications to break up something so precious.

What if would people find out? What was going to happen then? Nick couldn’t afford to lose everything that he had worked so hard to accomplish; he couldn’t afford to lose the dedication of those thousands people who had always believed in him and had been there with him even through the hardest time, those moments when they could have turned their back and gone to the next new superstar. He needed the work, he needed knowing that he was appreciated and, out of modesty, adored in everything he would do or say.

Could he really risk everything just for… love?

Love wasn’t safe. Love was like a butterfly, its life brief although its beauty was somehow magnetic and impossible to deny. Love was a sea that had no visible limits, an unknown destination that could turn out to be heaven and paradise but, at the same time, could turn into a nightmare without a chance to escape. Love was a fire and Nick didn’t want to end up being the one burning until only ashes of his life would be left to the wind, left to be scattered around so that he would never be able to piece them together once again.

His heart was aching, pulsating and vibrating painfully against that decision that had the appearance and weight of a death sentence; yet, Nick pushed down all that heartache and held on to the cold logic of a mind that had been taught to survive no matter what.

No matter who.

Not even that person that had become something more than a friend, something more than a coworker and, somewhere between that summer flirt and the autumn closeness, had taken a place in his heart that Nick didn’t even know it existed. Not even that beautiful creature that was observing him worriedly, his lips pinched with the need and desire to say something and those lines of fear that the man wanted so badly to put at rest because all he longed for was to reach out and comfort him as he had always used to do.  

Brian had sensed that something wasn’t right, that sting of worry now had fully turned into a blown that was making harder and harder to breathe normally, for all his exercises and coping mechanisms had gone out of the window and taut muscles were trying to squeeze his voice until it would have been reduced to a faint whisper. The room itself felt colder, even if the fireplace was lighted and its beams of orange and read were casting shadows all around the walls. Something was definitely not right with Nick and though his whole being yearned to erase that physical distance between them and wrap himself around Nick, Brian had to force himself to stay where he was standing for he knew that it was one of those moments where his partner didn’t need and like to be touched. All Brian could do was waiting, hoping, wishing that whatever storm was raging inside Nick’s head it had nothing to do with them and their relationship. All Brian could do was waiting and trying to appear calm and secure, that rock Nick had always kept a grasp on because he knew that he wasn’t going to disappear out of nowhere and let him fall again into a dark pit. Brian had made mistakes in the past with Nick, their presence and weight had been part of that problem that had turned and changed his whole life in the last years, but he knew now better. More than everything, he had promised himself that he was never going to leave Nick, no matter how many times the guy would do something stupid or try to auto sabotage his new found healthy life just because fear and old scars were still able to raise their voices and made themselves heard. Brian wasn’t going to let Nick disappear from his life, no matter how many times he had said to himself that he didn’t deserve that magical and unbelievable second chance that Nick, and God, had granted him with.

“You know… - Brian started to say, coughing and clearing his voice that had stopped working for a moment. - … tomorrow we can start to go around town and do some…” But he never had the chance to finish his sentence, for Nick chose that second to finally start speaking up.

“I need a break.” Only four words, pronounced with a so low and small voice that, at first, Brian couldn’t even catch the implied meaning. Or better saying that he had decided to ignore it, decline that vicious clue that would lead him to a dangerous and hurtful path.

“We can take a vacation, then. - Brian replied, taking a courageous step towards Nick, who was still facing the window and try so hard not to meet his gaze in the reflection. - Kevin talked about wanting to meet up and lay down some tracks but I can just say that I need some time off to rest my voice. Doctor’s orders.” A sad smile appeared on his face, followed by a dry laughter because, usually, no one would have dared to joke about his condition. But he had walked a difficult path to reach the point where he would be the one willing to use his voice as an alibi where, in the past, he had refused any offer to rest and stubbornly presented at the recording studio even if he wasn’t even able to speak.

Yet, the joke didn’t work because Nick still refused to turn around and look at him,  look at Brian and  that big smile on his face because his mind had already planned a trip. Nick’s expression continued to be blank, as if a Medusa had made its appearance while Brian had been gone and had turned Nick into a stone. And Brian hated it, hated not being able to read those lines and those creases that could tell him exactly what was going around Nick’s mind and how he could try and fix it.

“I need a break. - Nick repeated with that stony and emotionless tone of voice that made Brian shiver just as a cold breath of wind had managed to get through the hard walls and closed windows and wrap itself around his small frame. - I need a break from… this.” Nick’s voice faltered for the time of a blink, not exactly knowing how to explain to Brian what he really meant. No, it wasn’t that he didn’t know, it wasn’t as though he had suddenly lost all the words: it was that part of him so contrary to that idea, to that break, that still wanted to fight and put obstacles after obstacles just to stop that catastrophe that was going to be inevitable.

Brian kept playing the fool, not wanting to acknowledge the giant elephant that was sitting right between them. His mind had already placed all the clues together, the truth was just there waiting to be grasped and touched but his heart didn’t want to even look at it, aware that it was going to burn.

And badly hurt.

“It’s normal. - He tried to answer dodging that bullet still vibrating in the air and so close to hit him. Nonetheless Brian took another step towards Nick, his heart beating furiously against his chest and his ears ringing and buzzing with words that he didn’t want to hear. - You’ve overworked yourself as always. We’ll take some time off, maybe we can go to my parents and I know my mom would be so thrilled to have two people to stuff with her food. Or maybe we can…”

“Stop! - Nick interrupted Brian, his voice finally showing some emotions. Not just his voice but even his face because, as he turned around at last, his cold stare had been replaced with a red fury and rage. - Stop being so… stupid! You know exactly what I mean. I don’t want a break from recording, I don’t want to go to your parents or somewhere else! You know what I mean.” Nick shouted, his finger pointed to Brian and his eyes begging him not to make him say those words. It hurt even without saying them, it hurt just thinking about what he was doing to that man that, for some kind of miracle, loved him as if he was the sun he circled around.

“I’m not going to say it for you.” Brian said coldly, his whole body frozen so that his heart and soul could be numbed, not being able to feel those cracks that were already starting to break him. Nick wasn’t the only one able to hide and mask his emotions, for that was a skill that he had learned from Brian himself.

Nick was taken aback from Brian’s reply, those inches of courage were quickly and rapidly running away, scared and so small in front of the reality of what was happening. Nick had thought that he could do it, just like he had been the one confronting Brian back when he was still trying to ignore his voice problems and falling into that depression pit that Nick knew so well. But it was different, not only because there wasn’t any of the other guys backing him up with the same fears and concerns for their friends; this time was different because Nick was consciously pushing a knife through Brian’s heart and had stopped halfway, his hand trembling because his mind wasn’t sure anymore that it was the right thing to do. There was still time to take back those words, there was still time to tell Brian that it had been just a moment of weakness and the man would understand. Nick knew this, Nick knew that Brian would surely understand what lay underneath those words and it would take just a touch, just a whisper and a caress to make him forget everything and fall back into his arms. Just like all those thousands times Brian had held him, a quivering and crying mess every time he had tried and failed reconnecting with his family, and had soothed away his pain with soft touches and “I love you’s” breathed kiss through kiss.

Nick knew Brian and that was the reason why he was finding it hard and difficult to say all those words he had made up within the chambers of his mind. It was the right thing, that was something he couldn’t deny but, suddenly, courage didn’t seem to aid him.

“I… I need space, okay? Just a little space from… - Nick’s hands and arms waved around, as if the walls of their living room were getting smaller and smaller and were making it impossible to breath. - … this.”

“Living together?” Brian asked with a raised eyebrow and a dry tone.

Oh, he was good, Nick thought. Brian was so good at those kind of games, the ones where he would let Nick spin around his web of lies until he would ended up trapped and unable to say nothing more but the truth if he wanted to be freed; he was subtle, meddling between the white lines and aiming directly for the heart of the matter. Oh, he was good and Nick had always loved that trait of the man until now, until it was used against him.

“No. Yes. Fuck! - Nick screamed, letting out a cry of frustration. - It’s going all too fast, okay? I feel like I’m choking, smothered by something that I don’t know if can last or not.”

Brian recoiled, taking a step back as if he had been physically hit by a bullet. For a moment his mask and coldness faltered, letting show how much Nick’s words and their meaning had hurt him. Brian felt like claws had suddenly appeared within his stomach, their nails so sharp that they were already scratching every inch of skin they could find while a giant black and dark void seemed to suck inside everything, trying to pull his heart and soul down before it would be closed. It was much worse than Brian could ever thought or imagined, because he wasn’t sure that he could fix something that big and deep with words. He wasn’t a magician, he didn’t have the power to take Nick’s doubts and fears and make them disappear with a simple flick of his fingers. And it seemed that loving him with all his best, trying to be the perfect partner and finding a middle way between how he had always handled relationship with how Nick had always been used to, had failed.

Brian had failed and that realization burned an old wound that he had thought it had been closed and sealed so many months before.

“You want a break from us. Me.” He could only repeat, as Nick’s words kept ringing inside his ears.

“Brian…” Nick tried to reach out, put a hand on Brian’s shoulder because it wasn’t going as he had imagined. No, it was way worse because, when he had played that scenario in his mind, Nick hadn’t take in count that Brian could be hurt: he hadn’t wanted to think about the pain he was going to inflict but, now that he was witnessing and observing how hard Brian was trying to hold it together while his whole heart shattered and broke in pieces once again, Nick realized that he didn’t want this. He didn’t want to break them apart, he didn’t want to push Brian away.

In that precise second, Nick realized that he wanted to take his words back, he wanted to restart the whole day and forget about that tiny but loud voice that had forced and pushed him to that moment. But Brian didn’t let him close, didn’t let him touch him. Brian got away, almost crashing against the couch. He couldn’t stay any longer, he couldn’t stay and listen to all the things he had done wrong, all the ways he had smothered Nick until he had started to feel like a caged animal. He had tried, he had given his space and let him keep doing all those tours and side projects that he loved so much, although they kept them apart when all Brian wanted to do was to be with him, share all those magical and positive vibes because he didn’t matter if his voice wasn’t letting him have the same, he was just happy to see Nick happy.

He had failed and shame was burning inside him, although Brian would be damned if he let Nick saw him crying.

“Brian, please. Just… let me explain, okay? - Nick pleaded, knowing that he had to fix it somehow and, at the same time, still trying to keep on with his decision. He couldn’t turn back, sooner was much better than later because, in the future, a break would turn into something uglier and much more painful. Finding part of his coldness back, Nick took a big breath and let his hand fall into nothingness, into that space that smelled like Brian. - I’m not saying that we should break up. It’s… there are a lot of things that I have to think over before committing into something that I’ve never experienced. That’s why I need some time. Nothing more. I still care for you. I still...” The word “love” fell from his lips, a deaf word that couldn’t be said out loud because it would just hurt more.

Icy silence fell over the two people in the room, two people that just a night ago had shared the same bed and filled their time with promises of love and dreams. Had Brian stepped into a twilight zone? Had he bumped his head and fallen into an alternate dimension? When did Nick’s love become just… care? When did they turned back to being friends?

Slowly, with controlled and measured gestures, Brian retrieved his jacket and put it on; he couldn’t remember where he had put his gloves but they didn’t matter at the moment. Just like leaving behind his keys, which felt like leaving behind a part of himself, bloodied and broken.

“I’m gonna stay with Aj for a couple of days. - He managed to say, though his voice now sounded worse than ever, breaking and going off between words and syllables. - Text him when I can come back and get my things.”

“Don’t do this, Brian.”

“Do what? - Brian replied, determination flashing in his eyes since his voice left him sounding like a broken doll. - What do you want me to do? Beg? Plea? Throw myself at your knees and praying you were just joking? I’m not gonna do that, Nick. You have already made your decision so… what do you want me to do?”

Jaw line taut, stern with so much tension that Nick feared that the bones could break abruptly; blue eyes that had become narrowed grey shadows where Nick couldn’t read, anymore, Brian’s feeling and emotions. Standing in front of him was the Brian able to scare off all the people who had tried to hurt the people he loved, the Brian that had managed to fight a much older and more powerful man when he had been just a boy, his sense of moral and protection towards the group the only force that had him even thinking about trying it. Standing in front of Nick was a stranger, a statue of the man he loved because that Brian was hiding underneath that hard skin, curled up for he didn’t want to let his agony and destruction bleed out for everyone, for Nick, to see.

The damage had already been done. And, yet, Nick couldn’t hold back the words that were already flying out from his mouth.

“I want you to understand. I have an image to protect, a brand that I worked so hard to obtain and clean from all the shitty things that I’ve done in the past. I can’t lose it. I can’t lose it. I can’t lose my work, it’s all I have that’s mine. Something that I’m proud of.”

Another stab. Another crack. Another hole that was becoming bigger and bigger inside Brian. Underneath the hurt, the soaring pain and the heartache that was threatening to steal away his heart and his ability to take oxygen in, Brian understood where all of that was coming from. Brian knew that Nick was just afraid because he had never been loved like that before and all the affection had came from the fans who had never left his side; Brian knew that Nick was just afraid that their love might be tainted and painted with color of hate and shame, ruining something that had worked so well for more than twenty years.

But, in that moment, all those reasons and truths disappeared in front of the hurt and pain that Nick's words were causing. They should have been able to talk about it, they should have been able to discuss and try to find a way to fix it. Together. That was how they worked best, that was how they had managed to get through Nick's family's attacks or how they managed to overcome obstacles that had seemed so big and huge at the time. Together, that had been how Brian had managed not to fall into the magnetic arms of defeat and surrender, those hours and weeks were quitting and putting a stop to his singing career had seemed too beautiful to dismiss and fight.

Not this time. This time Nick had hidden his thoughts until they had become too big to dismiss and erase; this time Nick had been the one deciding what was the best choice for them, without even taking Brian's feeling in consideration. Or, and that was what Brian was fearing the most, thinking and believing that their love wasn't that beautiful thing worth of fighting and risking everything for. Beneath the hurt, just a little above the undying pain of a heart that was barely holding its broken pieces in its own hands, there was a river of disappointment that was mixing its dark water with waves of sadness and sorrow.

"You've already made up your mind. Discussing and fighting with you isn't going to change it. - Brian sadly admitted, lowering his gaze while biting back those tears he didn't want Nick to see. - And I feel such a fool thinking that, maybe, having a solid relationship could be something you should be proud of.”

“Brian… I… - Nick’s voice fell flat, defeated and weighted down by the regret of knowing he had let down the one person had always been proud of him. - … I’m sorry.” His apology was sincere, there was no trace of doubt inside Brian’s mind. Yet, this time, it didn’t hold any meaning: it was just a mass of words put together, something that couldn’t erase all what have been said just a couple of minutes before.

Brian was ready to go, his self composure was quickly crumbling down and he had to  rebuild it before going to Aj, otherwise the man was very capable of storming to Nick’s and probably kill him for how he had become protective of him lately. Yes, that had been another thing that had changed when Brian’s voice problems had made surface everything that he had held inside for so many years: so many things have changed, so many relationships have been twisted around, strengthened or worsened. But there hadn’t been a moment when Brian had seriously considered that scenario, with him walking out from the best thing ever happened to him after Baylee’s birth.

Maybe he had to be blamed too. Maybe he held some responsibility too, for he hadn’t noticed how distant and far his partner, his lover, had become during the last weeks. Maybe it was really all his fault, for everything he had touched had always seemed to be tainted and be destroyed by his hands.

“I know you’re sorry, Nick. That’s the sad part. And do you want to know what is sadder?”  One hand was gripping the door’s handle, his shoulders hunched as if he was already preparing himself for the cold weather waiting for him outside. Yet, nothing could ever compared to the ice that was already spreading its arms and legs inside him.

And Nick wanted so badly for him to turn around, just so that he could see his face one last time, even if he didn’t deserve it. Because Brian’s voice didn’t sound angry or hurt. And, for a moment, Nick realized that he could still salvage the situation, if Brian would give him a chance. But that moment came and went by without him grabbing it, because he didn’t know how to replay time and start from the beginning. Because he didn’t know how to say that he was sorry, he didn’t know how to ask to stay and discuss it, because he had been wrong and did want to make things right once again.  

“Brian, if you just....”

“The saddest thing is that a part of you know that these are just alibis, excuses that you have told yourself hundreds of times just to justify what you were about to do. A part of you know that it’s just fear talking, taking all the control and reins of your life because you’re fucking scared to be finally happy. And why shouldn’t you believe those voices? All of your life, they told you that you weren’t worth of love unless you gave something back, everything that you earn and be left alone. But I’m not them. I’m not your parents, I’m not all those girlfriends who wanted only to be famous and spend your money. And, more important, we’re not your parents. That’s what is hurting me the most. The fact that you think of me as one of them when all I ever wanted was for you to be happy and be able to share how much I love the person you’ve become. Someone who has to be proud of everything he had accomplished but not someone who still believes that love… that love is a defect, a weakness. A beast to run away from instead than embrace it. - Against his own mind, Brian did turn around, defenses crumbled down and eyes glimmering with tears ready to fall down. - I’ve never fallen in love with Nick the pop star or whatever image you’ve created for your fans. I’ve fallen in love with the Nick that was there for me when everyone, even I, had stopped believing in me; I’ve fallen in love with the Nick that still can leave a mess around the house, who can’t cook a decent meal without setting the kitchen in flames and who has more computers than Bill Gates. I’ve never wanted to change you, I just wanted to let the real Nick finally be free of old scars. That Nick is still there, inside you, trying to rebel against what you are doing right now. And I will always love that Nick, no matter what.”  

Nick was left speechless, nothing could have prepared him for those words that had come straight from Brian’s heart. That was what Nick had always loved the most about the man: his way with words, how he was always able to convey such emotion and intensity with speeches and words that seemed to come out from a book. Or the greatest movie ever written. But that wasn’t a fiction and they weren’t the characters of a novel: they were just two men who were facing something that had got out of Nick’s hands, for those words had just proved him how wrong he had been about the whole thing. Brian’s love was too strong to just disappear somewhere down the road and, knowing him, Nick knew that he would never give a damn about what other people might say about them.

And that was the difference between them: Nick wasn’t strong as Brian. Nick wasn’t that confident that love could overcome everything, simply because he had never experienced something like that. On the contrary, he had been the witness of how love couldn’t overcome money issues and all the problems that came with them. And it took just that second of hesitation, of fear and doubt, for those demons to come back with more force, reminding Nick how much he had worked for all he had in his life and how he wasn’t going to let love take it away from him once again. That was the reason why he had to take that time, why he had to distance himself from Brian and his consuming, overwhelming and too much beautiful love, so that he could think it over rationally and quiet down those voices in his head.

“Brian, I… - Nick passed a hand through his hair, a part of him wanting to fall down on his knees and begging Brian not to go. He silenced that voice, pushing it so down and deep that he feared he wouldn’t be able to find it back in the future. He had made his bed and he had to lie down on it. - … I know I don’t have the right to ask you this but… maybe… in the future…” Yet, that plea slipped off from his tongue, though it was a wishful thinking, a hope that, maybe, couldn’t turn into reality. Not after the damage he had done. But Nick had to try, had to ask because even a small “I don’t know” could be something to hold on to when the storm would worn off and he would be able to go back to his normal life.

A dry and sad laughter escaped Brian’s lips as a solitary tear finally found a way to escape and stream down on Brian’s cheek; he didn’t even try to conceal it, he didn’t even turn around so Nick couldn’t see the hurt in his eyes. He simply shook his head, as if he wanted to shake away the amount of disbelief and hurt caused by that question. The last straw. The most hurtful and painful stab, for it went directly through his heart and broke it into two halves. Was Nick so doubtful of their love? Was Nick so doubtful and insecure about Brian’s love and dedication for him to believe that he wouldn’t wait for him?  

“If you really think that I won’t wait for you, well… you really don’t know me at all.” And, with a last glance of what his life had been until that moment, Brian pull the handle and closed the door behind his back, letting inside another weave and breath of cold and snow.

Nick stood there for what seemed an eternity, seconds and minutes that stretched until he wasn’t sure anymore if night had started to fall down or if a new day was just about to get up and welcome him. Nick stood there, watching the door as if he could mentally reach through it and take Brian’s hand, pulling him back into his life and sweeping away that cold that had insinuated inside his bones.

Inside his heart.

And, as a petal of the roses Brian had brought back with him, in what had wanted to be a romantic and sweet gesture, fell down on the wooden coffee table, Nick realized that he had just made the biggest mistake of his life.

And he had no idea on how to make it right. He could have run after him; he could have called Aj and told him everything, begging him not to let Brian inside his house and bring him back to him. He should and could have done so many things but, instead, Nick let himself fall on the carpet that he and Brian had brought together and let his own tears fall down, feeling more alone that he had ever felt in his life.

******

Spring

Week gave road to another week, Christmas and New Year’s passed by unnoticed and the months kept changing on the calendar until the first flower stretched its arms, yawing away the sleep it had been put under by the cold and the snow, and started to blossom its colorful and cheerful petals; butterflies started to check their wings, awaken by the delicious smell of honey and by that warm yellow round ball that was sitting right in the middle of one of the first clearest sky since the last day of autumn.

Underneath a pair of black sunglasses Nick looked around the town district, hands inside his pocket while he tried to find the right condo. Brian’s new house, hopefully temporary if his plan would go as planned. It wasn’t a throughout plan, not just like the ones in movies or books when the one, who was trying to right a mistake, would prepare something so big, original and romantic that there weren’t going to any doubts what outcome would turn out to be: his plan was just to knock at Brian’s door and, if by any miraculous gift from God and divine nature Brian would let him inside, beg his way to apologize for the stupidest thing he had ever done in his life. If he had to be honest with himself, Nick had to admit that he had regretted that day the moment the door closed behind Brian’s back, turning the house and his life into a never ending cold storm. Suddenly, taking a break from that kind of life, from their life together, had seemed so stupid and useless because… well, because being alone hadn’t meant having the time to reflect and think about what he wanted for life or who he wanted by his side: all those things, such as comfort, support, love, and just having someone always near him, always available to listen to him and not afraid of telling him all those things he didn’t want to hear but he needed to, had always been a constant presence thanks to Brian.

It had taken him one second, a fragment of moment, to understand that he already had all of them, packed inside one person. And he had let it slip away out of fear and scare, pushed by those monsters and demons that he had once thought he had finally beaten. Or, at least, put to a rest and learned from.

Nick had let Brian slip out of his life so quietly that silence had never been so physically present, as if it had been able to shape itself in a shadow and follow him everywhere he went, everywhere he decided to rest or stay. Brian’s absence hurt more than ever, mostly because it was made by remorse and feeling guilty, knowing that it wouldn’t be that way if he had just wait. Listened to Brian. Let him convince him that he was just giving into his insecurities and doubts, instead than shutting him out. Instead than letting him walking out of his life, feeling like he had never mattered or if their love couldn’t be that great and amazing story they could write together, that they were already writing together. And they still could, if only Brian would listen to his apologies and if he was still willing to forget and move one.

With him.

A cold shiver and tremble ran through Nick’s spine as the thought of Brian moving on without him passed and stopped in front of his eyes. It was a possibility. It was a chance Nick had to count inside that picture of him going back with his head bowed and ready to get on his knees and beg, pleading that he was a different man from the one who broke Brian’s heart only because he hadn’t been able to understand how lucky he was. Although Aj had said nothing about new guys in Brian’s life, whenever Nick would ask him how the other man was going: Aj had been such a good friend, he hadn’t taken any side, as Nick would have thought and believed, and had even managed to slip some info to Nick about how Brian was doing. It had been Aj the one giving him Brian’s new address, after making him promise and swear that, this time, Nick wasn't going to blow everything up because he wasn't going to have another chance.

“But he’s good, right?” Nick had to ask because not only he hadn’t heard from Brian since that night but they hadn’t had the opportunity to see each other in weeks.

“As good as he can be, Nick. - Aj had replied, not wanting to sugarcoat the truth. - He had been spending the holidays with his parents, found a new house and moved in with Baylee. He hadn’t stopped his therapy but… it’s Brian. He’s good at hiding. Everyone can see that he had his heart broken. And he’s still not over you, although he tries not to talk about you.”

Yes, Nick had to agree with his friend. Not the part about Brian not being over him, for he couldn’t be sure about it until he found the courage to ring that doorbell and ask him directly. Nick was the first to say that Brian was and had always been so good at hiding how much bad things were, although he had started to let his guards and defenses down when they had started to live together. Or, maybe, it wasn’t just the fact that they were living under the same roof and, even if Nick tended not to pay attention to small details or be a little self - centered, but it was the fact that Brian had found someone he could trust, someone who could help him even if they weren’t aware of what they were doing. Because Nick hadn’t been aware but, during those months of distance and time to think, he had come to notice all those little hints that had made him feel even worse, dug deeper that hole he had already sent himself into when he had made that horrible decisions: there was the way Brian would come and cuddle under his arms, no matter what Nick had been doing, if it had been a bad day, closing his eyes and just listening to his heartbeat; the way he wouldn’t force a smile when his throat really bothered him to the point of hurting, forcing Nick to come up with creative and funny ways to communicate or cheer him up. The lists hadn’t been that long because Nick had stopped it abruptly, for it hurt so badly to think how much he had been starting to become the man he had always wanted to be, but he was so determined and strong willed to pay more attention from now on.

If Brian would take him back, of course.

69, 71, 73 and… 75, there was Brian’s new house standing: it was the last one of the street, a one-floor house that took up the corner and that led directly to a quiet and private park. It was so Brian, Nick thought, as he walked the distance to the house and stood, in the end, at the gate. Would Brian even open it when he would find out whom was the one ringing the bell? Nick didn’t even know if he was at home, though he remembered that on Mondays Brian had therapy only in the evening. It shouldn’t be that hard or an impossible task to do, he just had to put a hand out of his pockets and push that metallic and polished grey button and then only praying that Brian would answer when he would know it was him.

It was simple, wasn’t it?

Simple and easy steps. First, his hand. As he freed his left hand, something came out of his pocket and fell down on the sidewalk: a dead petal of rose that once had been red but now had long lost its color. Yet, Nick still bended and picked it up because that petal hadn’t left his side since that December night, when Brian had walked out and left that gift that had supposed to be a romantic gesture, another small sign of his love that Nick had wanted to forget but hadn’t been able to just threw out when the bouquet had died. He had saved one petal, one single petal and he had brought it with him since then, a silly and idiot way to feel as if Brian was still there with him. As if Brian’s love was still blossoming and living somewhere, instead than dying like that rose.

As he rose up, Nick’s eyes got caught by a shop on the other side of the street, not a little far from Brian’s house. A flower’s shop. Maybe it was stupid, maybe it was so cliché crawling back to the one he had broken with flowers but, at the moment, Nick could only think about using all the cards he had because he wasn’t sure that there would be another time. Another chance.

So, leaving a little of courage waiting for him in front of Brian’s house, Nick went to that little shop and bought Brian’s favorite flowers. Not roses and daisies or another type that would be used in those kinds of situations. Nick bought a bunch of blue hydrangea, surrounded by bright and yellow sunflowers. It was such an odd combination, the florist said, but not to Nick for those flowers represented them, exactly in that position: Brian at the centre, blue as the sky and big as he would never be able to be, and then Nick rounding around him, around that sun that he would never be grow tired to look up to and soak up into its warmth and light.

Now Nick was ready to face Brian and whatever decision he would make, willing to fight until his last breath but, at the same time, willing to accept that the other man wouldn’t even want to open the door and let him inside.

***

When the doorbell finally rang, Brian already knew who he would found outside the door. He had been watching out of the window, as he had done so many mornings before that day, hoping for something like that to happen. It might make him look pathetic, still holding on some sort of thin hope but he had known, since the beginning, that Nick was going to come back to him. Some days that hope had been the only thing that had made him wake up and get out of the bed, shifting around all the works that needed to be done and losing himself into a numb state where he didn’t have to think. Because thinking hurt; thinking made everything come back with such force and power that the pain had been almost unbearable; thinking made him remember that Nick had broken them up without even a real justification, only a bunch of words and lies that hid the real problem underneath them.

And that hurt the most. Not being told that it was just a problem of appearance and losing appeal; it hadn’t been even the fact that Brian had seen, right through Nick, that he didn’t want that break and that it had been all just a way to keep himself above the water; what hurt him the most had been the fact that Nick hadn’t thought, not even for a second, that they could work through his fears and doubts. Or, at least, that he could scream and talk to him about what was really terrifying him.

So Brian had respected Nick’s wish, had let him time to think and space to breath, knowing that he would soon realize that what they had was so different from everything he had ever experienced before and that it was a good thing, probably the most beautiful thing one could find in the world. Daylight helped him, remembered him that it was just a temporary situation and Nick was going to miss him and miss the kind of life they had started to build together; daylight got him through recording without seeing Nick there, through all the therapy and exercises that he put himself so under and deep because he wasn't going to be that kind of person that would let a break up - a temporary break up - ruin all the results he had managed to achieve; daylight helped him at keeping up the facade, acting and playing his part as if his heart hadn’t been broken and he wasn’t swimming in an endless ocean of pain and blood.

Nights were a different story and situation. Nights were the moments when all his fears and demons would come out, old and new friends joined by that one goal to taunt him and eat him alive until only bones were left; nights were the moments when loneliness and being alone became too much, because he was living in a house that wasn’t his home since Nick and his mess weren’t there with him and because the bed was too big and too cold; nights, especially the ones following a hard day, were filled with the burning ache to pick up the phone and call Nick, just to hear his soothing voice and be reminded that all the work he still had to do just to sound half of what he used to be wasn’t pointless and useless. Nights were the infinite hours where his mind went all crazy, flashing him with all the things he should have said and all the things he should have done to prevent that earthquake: somewhere, Brian had been sure, laid his baggage of responsibilities and faults: had he been too needy? Had he been too distant, not wanting to put too much worry on Nick’s shoulder and, instead, driving him that far that he had to make up a shitty lie just not to say that he had never trusted him? Or had he been so blind by his own love not to realize that Nick had never wanted for their relationship to become so serious? Maybe Nick had been right, maybe he had pushed the accelerator too deep without noticing that the other passenger was holding for dear life while searching for the emergency exit?

So Brian acted and pretended as if nothing was really wrong, as if he was sure that it was just a spur of fright and scare and things were going to go back to what they used to be. Just like his voice, Brian had pretended that there wasn’t any problem and that if he just held on a little longer, hoped and prayed a little harder, maybe one day Nick was going to come by his new house and ring his doorbell, a shy and ashamed smile on his face but the will and desire to fix it.

To fix them.

So Brian, on those mornings that came after a sleepless and haunted night,  would make the strongest coffee possible and would sit by the window, watching the snow finally melting until there wasn’t any white spot anymore on the streets or on the roofs; watching the first signs of nature waking up after the long winter and hoping, longing and yearning for his own winter to be over. He would sit for hours, never minding the stiffness that would sweep inside his spine, turning every and each bones as if they were made of stone, and he would wait for those blond hair to appear at the end of the road, that unique walking that wanted to be sluggish and, at the same time, weary of the eyes who would probably watch and catch him; he would sit and imagine what his reaction would be seeing Nick: would he run towards him? Would he just accept his apologies, not mentioning how painful and hard those months had been? Or would he just sit there, wait for the doorbell to ring and scream, let his anger finally out because it had been eating him alive and it needed to be out?  

And then, one morning, that morning, Brian had seen Nick on the street and his mind had gone completely numb. Emptied by all the ifs and what he would or wouldn't do. He had waited, frowned when Nick had turned around instead that walking the last steps to his house. And Brian had smiled, a tiny and small smile, when he had seen him coming back again with a bunch of flowers and that shy and confused look on his face. That was his Nick, the man who would turn into a boy in a matter of seconds, who walked around the world with an air of confidence and then would be afraid when the cameras went off and there was only real life to deal with. That was his Nick, the Nick Brian had fallen in love with and that would always welcomed back into his life.

The doorbell rang and Brian had to steady his crazy and mad heart before going and opening the door, letting himself being wrapped and enveloped inside Nick’s perfume and his figure, noticing the hunted and nervous look in his eyes, the taut lines of worry and determination frowning and creasing his forehead. But, at the same time, Brian could sense how hard Nick wanted that discussion to be over quickly because being apart hadn’t been the wisest decision; Brian could sense Nick’s gaze studying him with attention and loving concern and he knew, in that precise moment, that they were going to fix whatever had been broken.

They were going to be fine.

“Hey.” Nick blurted out, his eyes unable to rise up and meet Brian’s gaze. He just knew that if he did, and saw the results and signs of the passing months and his doing, he would just crumble down in tears and beg for mercy. On the contrary, he wanted to act mature and responsible for once, explaining to the man of his life why he had done what he did. And that he had learned from it. But Brian’s perfume, the one that he hadn’t changed since they were both kids, was already making his head spinning with memories and echoes of being soaked with it, being wrapped in its security whenever he would came back home and knew that he wasn’t alone.

He would never be alone anymore.

“You’re not here for a quick hello. - Brian replied without missing a beat, without even showing any sign of the turmoil of reactions and emotions that were storming inside him. Because, not matter how his heart still longed for that boy, his mind couldn’t forget all the hurt and heartache he had to endure because of that same man, now standing at his door with a bunch of flowers. - And I don’t suppose you’ve come all the way just to bring me flowers.”

Though truth to be told, Brian couldn’t say that his heart hadn’t flutter at that image, especially because he had caught the meaning Nick had wanted to send with those kind of flowers and their arrangement: years could go by, they could become different people and yet, Nick was still going to see himself as a satellite, something that would had just to follow wherever his planet was going. Still Nick hadn’t understood and picked up a piece so important about him and about them: Nick was the sun, Nick was the planet Brian had always floated around, worried and tried to protect as a loyal and faithful defensor and warrior; he had fought for him even when he hadn’t had any strength left for him but that had never been a sacrifice, no matter how high the price to pay had been.

Yet, with a will that was impossible to imagine, Brian managed not to show any of his faltering: his face kept that cold stare that didn’t allow anyone to read and go behind the ice ocean of his eyes.

“No, I’m not. - Nick answered truthfully. He still handed the flowers to Brian, hoping that a brief contact could happen. - I’m here to say that I’m sorry for that night and all the other countless nights that we had to spend separate because of me. Because of the pain and suffer that I’ve caused. I’m here to apologize and, if you give me the chance, to explain. Or, at least, try.”

Brian accepted those flowers, being cautious not to brush any inch of Nick’s skin and placing them on the first surface that was next to him. Nick still stood on the doorstep, not daring to take another step until Brian let him inside.

“So… - Brian broke the silence, eyeing Nick carefully as a part of him wanted so badly to just forget about everything and welcome him back in his life; that part of him that wanted so badly to step out from the cold and the darkness and watch to the sun again. - … talk.”

With no flowers anymore keeping his hands busy, Nick put one inside his jeans pockets as the other started to play nervously with the hem of the shirt. His mind was blank, as if a tornado had just appeared out from nowhere and had stolen all the words he had prepared in order to win Brian’s heart back.

“Just tell the truth. - Brian had once advised him, fingertips lost between Nick’s hairs and that smile that had always managed to put any doubt and fear at rest. - When you don’t know how to explain a situation, tell the truth. Even if it hurts.”

And, with the echoes of that scene still lingering in his mind, Nick decided to do that. Tell the truth. Tell what he should have said that December night instead of those stupid lies and lame excuses.

“I’m here to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m here to tell you that I’ve screwed up big time and the only reason that I did that was because I was scared. Fucking scared. - Nick let out a shaky breath, half comforted by the fact that he had managed to make his voice work and half confused at how to make Brian understand the chaos his mind was. Though a small voice told him that Brian already knew and had never minded. - I got scared because I always thought that loving was going to be something hard and difficult. Loving you, especially. Loving someone like you.”

“I’m like everyone else, Nick. I’m not from a different world and, last time I checked, I function like any human being,”

“You’re far from being like everyone else, Brian. At least to me. You… you have always been that person I looked up to, aspire to be. How could I love, show love, to someone like that? But I was wrong, because loving you had turned out to be the easiest and most natural thing in the world. Too easy. That was when I started panicking because..”

“... because you have always been taught that love is supposed to be fights and hard work, right?”

“That. I’ve never understood how but… how do you do it? How can you make me feel like I’m naked all the time? And I don’t mean in a dirty way, I mean… you can see perfectly through me, you can see what’s going on in my mind even before I do. You know what I need…”

Nick couldn’t finish his sentence because Brian interrupted him, finally looking him in the eyes with the saddest voice Nick had ever heard coming from him. Almost sad and painful as that time he was about to quit the group because he thought that he couldn’t go on, couldn’t keep holding the group back with his problems. “Apparently I didn’t. Because I thought that we were doing well and then… - Brian shook his head, a mist of tears clouding his eyes. - … I should have seen the warnings. I should have paid more attention and not dismissed your distance with just you being you, working yourself too much and forgetting about the world around you.”

Nick wanted so badly to drop that not so useless chatting and just talk to Brian with the only language he was sure and knew perfectly, without worrying to transmit the wrong message. Nick wanted nothing more than erase that distance and envelope that small, too small figure inside his arms and letting him know how much he was sorry for everything.

“I kept my distance because fear kept me away. It was too much, so many things going on and I didn’t know how to process those thoughts, how to come to terms with the fact that loving you and being with you was being more than I ever dreamed of. I didn’t know how to handle it, I didn’t know if I was or could be the man you needed. So…”

“You should have talked to me. That’s what a couple does. They talk. - Brian cut in on, a breath that turned quickly in a dry laugh. - Though I know that’s rich coming from me.”

“I know. Brian, I know that I should have talked with you instead than running away. But, at that time, being far from you had seemed to be the only reasonable and safe thing to do. And… during all those months I had done nothing more than missing you and thinking about us. And I realized… - Nick took a big breath, raising his gaze so that Brian could look into his eyes and know that it wasn’t a lie, a way to get himself back into his life. Those words about to come out were true, maybe the truest he had ever said after “I Love You” the very first time to him. - … I realized that all those small things I was scared of, afraid that they would struggle and take me away from my work, are the things I miss most about you. Those are the things that I yearned for, well, since the beginning. I dreamed them, I wished and then gone and searched in all the wrong places. That is why I let you go. You were too good to be true and…”

“And you were scared I was going to leave, disappear, as soon as I got what I wanted, right?” Brian finished Nick’s sentence for him, a sad smile reaching his eyes and turning them into a mix of grey and blue. He had known it, he knew Nick better than Nick knew himself and understood where that decision had come from. It hadn’t soothed the pain, it hadn’t made it hurt less but, at the same time, it hadn’t made him hate or love Nick less.

“I couldn’t believe that all you already had was what you wanted. I couldn’t believe that all you’ve ever wanted was me.” Shades of red burned Nick’s face, both of shame because he had realized it too late and warmth too, because Brian’s expression didn’t hold any resentment or despair; on the contrary, they held a light of knowledge, as if he already knew all of this and had waited for Nick to open his eyes and realized it.

“I still want you. - Brian stated in a low voice, the loudest tone he could master that day. But there was no wince or flinch of embarrassment, another sign and clue that he still, somehow, trusted Nick more than anyone else. - I was serious that night. Call me idiot, call me stupid, but I haven’t stopped loving you. Though I might have thought about killing you in various ways.”

“I’ve never stopped too. Loving you. Wanting you. Wanting that life that I was too blind to grasp when I had the chance. Wanting that life with you because only you seemed to know how to make me comfortable with the whole idea of love. And being in a relationship. You made it look natural. You made me happy.”

“It is, Nick. And we had it, even though you couldn’t see it. Even though you were afraid of opening your eyes and letting me loving you how you deserve it.”

“Can… - Nick’s voice, this time, got caught in his throat as a lump of emotions and tears placed itself right in the middle of it. He blinked once, twice but still he could feel his eyes burning from those tears that wanted so badly to come out, bearing themselves as a proof of his being sorry and hopeful. - Do you think that we can have it back? I… I swear I won’t screw up this time. I’ll be the best I can be because loving you, being with you, makes me want to be a better man. A better lover. A better partner. Someone you can hold on to. I know I can be if you… if you teach me how. If you give me this last chance. But I’ll understand, Brian. I’ll understand if you won’t believe me or if you’re too hurt to try again. But I had to try. I have to try and make it better.”

Silence fell between the two men, an invisible tensed line that could be cut in any moment and without a warning or an indication of the final results. Nick could hear his heart beating faster and faster, his own body vibrating with hope and something that he hadn’t tried in many years: praying. In that stretched silence, Nick prayed that he could be forgiven. That was what all he asked for: a chance to redeem him, a chance to prove that he had learned from his mistake and he wasn’t going to hurt Brian anymore. Not intentionally, at least. Not just because of some echoes and threads left from a past that he wanted to forget completely.

A new start. A brand new start with Brian.

Brian took a step towards Nick, his hands placed on his lap while his fingers were picking loose threads of the shirt he was wearing. He had made his decision the first moment he had seen Nick standing in front of his house, peeking from his window and observing the tall man pacing nervously while he tried to summon all his courage and strength. Nick had hurt him, that was something he couldn’t forget that simply but he couldn’t pretend to be a saint or someone who had never hurt or made mistakes with Nick. Actually, it was the complete opposite and he had promised himself, when they first start dating, that he would never bring back their past or lists of each other’s mistakes. Because that was love, a power and a force able to take a broken piece and made it look newer. Shiner. Brighter. Love, real and true love, was able to move past those fights and discussions, soothing scars from the past and bring two people together once again, helping them to overcome the obstacles and find a new balance a new way to be and love each other.

“You ruined us. You ruined me, Nick. - Brian said, his tone steady but, at the same time, round with a slight embrace of tenderness. - I might appear as someone who always manages to hold himself together but we both learned that I’m not. I have my demons too and, with just a sentence, you’ve managed to bring those monsters back again. I spent half of the time wondering where I did wrong with you, asking myself if I needed you so badly that you thought and believed that I was trying to choke you  and tie you to a life that didn’t belong to you, a life made of baseball games and everything that comes with being a father.”

“I was scared. - Nick managed to say, taking up that pause that Brian had been forced to make. - Scared that I couldn’t be able to do what I want, scared that people would see me differently and lose my appeal, the only thing that still holds me up above the surface. And I was freaking scared to do something wrong with Baylee, to hurt him as my parents did with me. I would never be able to forgive myself if something like should…” Nick never had the chance to finish that thought for Brian stopped him with a simple but so meaningful gesture: erasing the distance between them, he placed his fingertip on Nick’s lips, silencing him and sending a tremor to all his nerves. It was just a brief touch, nothing more than a caress, but it was the first since that day in December and Nick’s body have been craving Brian’s touching as if it had been deprived of oxygen and air to breath and live.

“It’s not going to happen. Never. How can I make you understand how different you are from your parents?”

“Loving me? Reminding it to me every day?” Nick proposed, a weak grin curving his lips and a smile appearing inside his eyes.

“I thought I had driven you away from me. I thought that you didn’t want to deal with therapy, doctor’s visits and the entire circus that I think I have to take with me for a long time. I worked hard. I worked hard to prove that I could do it on my own, that I didn’t need someone else’s faith to start believe again. So… you’ve ruined me but, at the same time, you have managed to make me stronger. But I still need you. I will forever need your help and support, no matter how much I hate being the weak one from times to times.”

Nick placed a hand on Brian’s cheek, leaning in and caressing that line so prominent and so sharp, memory and testimony of how hard their break up had been on the older man. “Never. Maybe a less superhero than usual but you have never been the weak one.”

Brian’s eyes darkened, a secret truth that he hadn’t share with no one, even Nick, was ready to come out and out him because he had been so close to give up everything. Worse, he had been so close to fall into the same unhealthy and dangerous path that had paved Nick’s past history until some years before. And that darkness had been so close to get to him during that cold winter, those first weeks when all he could thought about was where he had gone wrong or what he should had done better.

“I almost… - Brian’s voice caught up in his throat, maybe a tentative of his mind and his pride to block that confession. But Brian was tired, exhausted to the last bone to keep everything inside, as if it was such a shame showing to Nick, the person he loved the most, that he wasn’t always a superhero. Sometimes he wasn’t a hero at all. - Sometimes I need a superhero to help me too.” He finally finished his sentence, leaning in the contact and let the warmth finally taking over that ice and cold that had been queen and king of his life,

“And I never realized that I was your hero. I never realized you thought I could be able to help the way you’ve always done before.” Nick stated sadly, though a touch of pride caressed his spirit and enforced it, gifting him with a new realization and perception of himself and his role in that delicate and complicated ballet that was love: he wasn’t a kid anymore, even in the eye of that someone who had always been a step ahead of him, always being wiser and bigger. Always too strong to even try to go behind the mask and offer a hand to lean on for a while, giving him a minute or two to breathe without feeling that he had to keep it together or everything would fall apart.

Oh, what an idiot he had been! Nick wanted to punch himself, kick himself for being so self-centered and so absorbed inside his mind and his fears. He had been sure, hundred percent sure, that he could never be that pillar and that rock that he had always wanted to be for the person he would love. He had been sure he couldn’t been it for Brian, the same person who had kept a group together through thin and thick and never had shown any signs of weakness and vulnerability: yet, behind that mask, there had been always hiding a soul and a spirit that just wanted and needed to be reassured and comforted just like everyone else. And instead than feeling lucky, extremely lucky for having being chosen for that role, Nick had let his doubts scare him and potentially ruin everything. It was still something terrifying, for how he could be sure that he would be able to help, but it was a risk he was, now, willing to take.

Nick was now ready to be whatever Brian needed him to be; he was now ready to learn to look behind the appearance and that stoic mask just like Brian had always done with him, reading him as if there wasn't any barrier between him and his soul.

“That’s the thing, Nick. I’m not the Brian you used to know, though you’ve always seen behind the mask and the smile I would always wore in fear, scared that people and you, among all, would think of me as weak. But I’m broken and while I know now it’s not the end of the world, I still need someone to hold me while I piece myself together. That’s love. Helping each other and not being broken anymore because, together, those cracks disappear as if they meld into each other and we’re whole once again.”

Nick had been able to keep it together until that moment, although he wasn’t sure how. But those words, those wise words coming from a man that have just forgiven him for the biggest mistake he had done, were the last drop in a vase already ready to crack. Words didn’t need to be spoken anymore, everything has already being said and those moments of silence filled the holes in a narration that wanted to be forgotten by both of them. Words had been used up to their limits, justifications and explanations have tried to undo part of the mess created by monsters and creatures that, now, have shrieked until they became so small, tiny ants that could be killed with just one thing.

The air smelled of anticipation, that kind of electricity that both Brian and Nick had felt the first time they’ve been around each other with the realization that something was going to happen and change their friendship forever. That time, still embedded in their minds as one of those fixed points that no one could ever erase or make it like they never happened, both of them had been so insecure, walking and getting closer as if they were two kids dealing with their first crush: hands trembling, eyes that didn’t know where to look exactly until they met and understood that it was it, that there wasn’t anything  to be scared or anxious for. In a way it was the same, in a way it was as time had turned its hands and brought them back to that moment, leaving them with the awareness of how magical and important those seconds were going to be for their story and their future.

Nick didn’t waste any more seconds or instants, for too much time had been wasted because of fear and doubt, because he hadn’t been sure if he should, if he could dare to do something to repair what he himself had broken. Nick didn’t waste any time and erased that short distance that was standing between him and Brian; he took Brian’s face in his hands and kissed him with all the force and the passion, the love and the despair he could master. In that kiss Nick conveyed all the apologies he hadn’t managed to say, all the tears he knew he had shared even if he had been the one stabbing and shattering a dream. And, in that kiss, everything flooded back as if there hadn’t been a break or if they hadn’t touched, caressed and kissed the other for months: there wasn’t any awkwardness, it was just like their bodies hadn’t forget how to bend and turn so that they would fit perfectly, two halves of the same being that were finally coming back together as one: smell, touches, trembles and shivers hadn’t lost their intensity or magnitude. They were small fireworks, flames of a passion that were finally free and able to breathe and be out in the open as Brian reacted, after the initial shock, and pressed himself closer and closer to Nick’s body, wondering why physics laws had to work and rule against that need to be as close as possible: his whole body had almost turned into liquid wax while Nick’s hands traced lines of bones and caressed inches of skin, relief and love pouring out from his soul and heart as he tried to do the same with Nick, letting his touch make him remember how it felt to be finally complete. To be finally loved and wrapped inside a blanket of warmth and love. Brian’s lips looked and found Nick’s, tracing and caressing those lines of skin that, not so many months ago, have spoken words able to shatter and break him to the very core of his essence; he kissed, now, those lines, as if that was the only way to heal his soul and regain the ability to breathe properly again. It felt like the world was finally a live thing again, a multi - layered reality that breathed and pulsated with its bright colors and its optimistic and positive smells. Brian felt alive again, as if only now he could look back and realize that the last months had been just a blur of grey days and meaningless moments that he had passed through only because he had to, only because he didn’t want to crumble and dismantle all the good work he had done in the past.

And, out of nowhere, tears started to stream down Brian’s cheeks, following the line of the bones and falling down on clothes and skin that absorbed their pain. Nick could taste them on Brian’s lips, licking them away as if he could soothe away whatever damage he had done; there was regret in those drops of water, as if Brian himself wanted to apologize for having failed, somehow, that person he had swore and promised not to ever let down and protect. “I’m sorry. - Brian breathed out. - I’m sorry if I had been smothering, if I force you to be someone that you didn’t want…”

Startled by those words, Nick stopped for a moment and stared into Brian’s eyes, those oceans that were a mixture of storm clouds and waves of a quiet day at the beach. “Don’t say it. Don’t you dare to apologize because you didn’t nothing wrong. I was the one screwing up, I was the one not noticing when things got rough because… hey, it’s me! I never pay attention when my mind is focused on my needs and problems. You…”

Brian sniffled, though he didn’t try to erase or dismiss those tears that were still streaming down. “I’m not that easy to be around, I know. I’m proud and I still don’t know how to let you see me in my weakest moments. And… I missed you, Nick. I missed you so bad that it hurt sometimes. It hurt every day and every night.”

“I missed you too. - Nick cut him off and between kisses and breaths, between licking tears and soothing caresses on Brian’s back; Brian’s arms were locked around Nick’s neck, his face hidden in the fabric of his shirt for he felt so damn stupid to end up crying like he was part of one of those soap-opera’s scene. But the truth was that he had never cried since that night, he had never let his hurt and his pain have a voice or a way to escape and be heard: he had kept them inside, buried under all his own doubts and thoughts and used them as fuel and energy for not fall down. But it hurt and now there was no reason for holding back because Nick was holding him, supporting him without even a flinch or a sign of distress. - I missed you so much, Bri. I missed that small raise of brows that you always do when you come back home and see the mess I manage to do in a span of two or three hours; I missed your crazy and strange ways to put the groceries in the fridge and how you constantly have to remind me about vegetables and fruits. I missed hearing your voice first thing in the moment, carried by the air while you are busy cleaning or making breakfast; I missed how you would push all the furniture against the walls and start a fight with laser swords, as if we were kids. I missed holding you after a visit or a bad day, the way you would know that nothing could hurt you while you were inside my arms.”

“Don’t ever do this to me. Don’t ever do it ever again.” Brian said between half sobs half hiccups as he finally tilted his head up and looked into Nick’s teary eyes, his hand balled in punches that hit Nick square into the chest.  

“I swear. I promise.” Nick pleaded, choking back a sob that was mostly made of happiness and so, so much relief. His hand passed through Brian’s hair, taking them away from his forehead so that he could leave a kiss on that spot.

“Don’t. - Brian ushered him, placing a finger on his lips. - Don’t promise. Just… just say that you won’t run away anymore. Just say that you will talk to me when things get to that point again.”

“Okay. I won’t make any promise but… I’m never gonna leave you again. I know now what it feels to live without half of your heart and… it was hell.”

“Hell is what I will put you through if you ever dare to do something like this… I’ll kill you next time!” Brian ended with a sort of smile and laughter, as he tried to imitate  Howie’s Spanish accent.

The joke served its purpose, lighten up the atmosphere and breaking that tension that had saturated the air until that moment. They were going to be okay. They were going to fix whatever Nick had broken and they were going to be better, as individuals and a couple.

“So… - Nick interrupted the silence, once both of them had finished laughing and regained air to breath. - …. I kinda missed your birthday.”

“Yes, you did. But it’s okay, I didn’t expect you to…” Brian didn’t get to finish because Nick stopped him with a faint butterfly kiss on the lips. It was a white lie, though, because Brian did hope to get, at least, a message. Something that could spark a small flame of hope to get him through the heartache and the suffer he had been trying so hard to hide.

“I missed your birthday and, while I don’t have any gift to give you now…”

“You coming back to me is the best gift I could ever hope for.” Brian interrupted Nick again, standing on his toes and nuzzling his nose against Nick’s, lips curved in a smile that hadn't been able to shine since that moment.

“Can you let me finish, please? - Nick asked with a light tone. - What I’m trying to say is that, since I’ve missed your birthday and I hope this means that you have forgiven me…”

“Of course. - Brian replied, determination and with so much sincerity and security that it shocked both of them. But it was true, Brian thought to himself while looking and staring into Nick’s eyes, finally full of light and love. It was trued. He might need time to forget and adjust himself not to worry about being left behind once again, but there wasn’t anger or hate inside him. All those negative emotions had been erased the moment Brian had seen Nick on the street. - I forgive you. I’ve forgiven you when you said “hey”. Though I really wanted to punch you really hard.”

A wet laughter escaped Nick’s lips before he leaned forward and kissed Brian’s, overwhelmed by the power held behind that simple phrase. Although he knew that it wasn’t like as if, by saying that he had been forgiven, things were going to be fine immediately. There was so much work to do, so much damage to repair and old wounds to fix.

“So, what you were about to say?” Brian asked, a little bit breathless and feeling dizzy for both the excitement, the happiness and not having eaten since… well, he couldn’t quite remember and, knowing Nick, he had probably guessed it either.

“Yes. Right. I was saying that I saw that there is this cupcake shop where you can make your own cupcake. So I thought that it could be perfect for celebrating.” Nick replied with a shrug.

“I think it’s a good idea. We can celebrate all the things we have missed, catching up and…”

“... and put some food into you. Seriously, Brian, you are going to make my hair turn white sooner or later!”

“Now you’ve found out my plan: that way no one would look and try to steal you away from me.”

Yes, Nick thought as Brian took his jacket and closed the door behind them, they were going to be okay and, most importantly, that December night would only be a faint and distant memory of the past.