I’ve never cared much for family.

When I was only eight years old, I was left in charge of four younger siblings. They cried and fought each other and wouldn’t eat their dinner and somehow, they never listened to me. I hated every single moment I was left alone to deal with their petty problems. I had my own problems. I was failing in school and other kids my age preferred to pick on me, rather than be friends with me. They would call me names and humiliate me in front of the entire class. One day, I went to school and was caught in an avalanche of underwear when I opened my locker. Apparently someone had collected all kinds of ladies panties, put some slimy brown stuff in it and put them in my locker. From that day on, I was better known as Nick the Panty Pooper.

I hated school.

When I was ten, my two year old brother had hit his twin sister so hard that we had to go to the ER. She didn’t move and my parents weren’t home and I completely panicked. I remember calling them, in tears and barely able to get a word out. Although my sister was fine and we were able to leave the hospital after a few hours, I will never forget what that kind of responsibility and fear is like. After that, I kept the twins separated at all times. My parents weren’t angry with me, but I was angry with them. Why couldn’t they watch the kids? Why did everything always have to revolve around money for them? Why was I always left to pick up the pieces? Why didn’t they care about us? I know you won’t have to worry about that. I would never let that happen to you.

By the time I turned eleven, we had moved to an ugly, one story, orange house in a scary neighborhood. Mom and Dad were in a constant fight and would get violent with each other sometimes. My siblings were scared and often started to cry from the screaming upstairs. One night, when I put the twins to bed in the room next to the kitchen, we heard a gun go off in my parent’s bedroom. Aaron screamed, Angel burst into tears and I heard the other girls cry in the next room as well.

Reluctantly, I climbed upstairs to see if anyone was dead. I opened the door to see my father’s back facing me, while my mother had pressed herself against the closet door at the far opposite of the room. My dad turned around, “Nick, stay out of this,” he grumbled and I had bit my lip.

“But the twins are crying,” I mumbled.

“Let them be quiet,” Dad answered.

That day, I vowed to never get married or have a family, so that I would never need to shoot a hole in the roof when I got pissed, and I would get to keep all the money I managed to make for myself.

The one good thing about the new place though was the drama and dance lessons from Ms Dimarko. She often laughed at me because of my inability to know my left from my right, but she was kind and she believed in me. She made me love performing and creating and finally made me feel like I was good at something. She and I actually joined forces against my dad that one time when he wanted to take me off dance lessons because it was getting too expensive. She told him that I had talent, that it would be an enormous shame to let that get wasted. That I could grow up and be somebody.

That I had the potential to get out of the constant looming poverty and leave this rotten town behind me.

To my surprise, my father actually listened to her.

From then on, the little money that my parents managed to save went straight into my performing lessons. I even had little gigs at weddings and birthday parties now and then. I would get fifty bucks, just by dressing up and singing a couple of songs. Of course, any money that I made went straight towards the family. I didn’t mind back then, because I finally had something that made me who I am. My parents didn’t seem to care about my failing grades in school anymore and I was going to Ms. Dimarko twice as frequent as before. I got to perform in local plays and my mother took me to auditions all the way to LA and Orlando and New York.

I’ll take you to New York some time when you’re older, I’m sure you’ll love it. I certainly did when I first got to go there. It’s a bit too busy there for tiny little boys like yourself right now, though.

I met Howie and AJ in Orlando. We were actually rivals in that talent show. There were scouts coming from all over the country and the winner got to go to LA to an exclusive audition for a big TV network. Howie and AJ were extremely ambitious and in my opinion, far more talented than I was. They were older than me and seemed to have a way of making everybody backstage like them.

I don’t exactly remember their act, but I was jealous that they were allowed to do one together. It didn’t matter though, because we all lost. For some reason that I didn’t understand at all back then, neither AJ or Howie seemed to mind that they lost. I remember them jumping around backstage, cracking jokes and pissing off the volunteer workers.

And then the unthinkable happened. They invited me. Me. Of all people; they invited me to come over and maybe join their two-man band. I remember instantly getting scared that it was some kind of joke. That maybe, as I would go over to their place, an avalanche of lady panties would come down over me upon opening the door.

I said one of the stupidest things in my life then.

That I would think about it. I must have seemed like such a bratty and arrogant kid to them. But if that was what they thought, they didn’t show it. I remember AJ’s big grin as he said: “See you next week on the next show!”

A lot happened in that week. My mom got a call from an office in LA. Apparently a scout from Disney had seen me at the talent show in Orlando and was offering me a contract on the Mickey Mouse Club. We would have to move to LA, but it was worth it, considering there was a lot of money involved in the contract. I would get to go on a lot of exclusive auditions after all, but for some reason, I remembered AJ and Howie’s offer to go and join their band. Nobody had ever casted a look at me and decided that I was worth it to be their friend before. Miraculously, my mother left the choice up to me. I could either move to LA, and be a Disney star, or I could go and join AJ and Howie’s unnamed band. I remember my Mom calling AJ’s mom to try and get a little more information about the band. Apparently, the band was still in its beginning stages, but, remembering AJ and Howie’s vocal act at the talent show, I was sure it had potential. They had gotten funding from a rich guy in Orlando that had made a fortune with his airline company. The question why he suddenly wanted to fund a boyband, was not something I considered.

I remembered the fun Howie and AJ seemed to have together to the point that winning the talent show was no concern to them and knew that that was what I wanted too. After joining and meeting up with them twice a week, I soon learnt that AJ was the guy that only seemed to live for fun and was the biggest dork that I had ever met. He and I got along instantly and our voices blended together perfectly. Howie was a bit more reserved and serious, but he was honest and kind and he accepted the two of us for who we were. Their friendship was something I had never known before. We sang and danced together and my mom was proud of me for having a job now. But it didn’t feel like a job to me.

It felt like it was everything I wanted to do in life.

It felt fantastic. I think, if you even have only the littlest bit of me in you, you’ll understand what I mean.

We put up an ad for another member, because Lou felt like we needed another voice. The glint in Lou’s eyes when talking about the band was a little bit unsettling sometimes, but I didn’t question it. Lou was the one that provided the money for our rehearsal space and equipment and the last thing I wanted to do was piss him off. A string of auditions started after that and for the first time, I got to be the judge instead of the performer.

Kevin Richardson got picked almost instantly and with that, we had our fourth voice. His voice had a low tone to it and he was perfect for the lower harmonies. And there was just something... something ‘cool’ about him.

He was a proud guy, older than Howie and therefore now the oldest in the band. He’d been quarterback in high school and had dated about three cheerleaders, making him the coolest guy I’d ever met. He’d been working at Disney World as a performer for years and it didn’t matter that he and I were eight years apart, because he was cool, and he somehow seemed to respect the twelve year old in the band. With four voices of different qualities, we were pretty much set, but still Lou believed we needed one more voice to make it complete.

A mid-range, preferably. A smooth tenor. Maybe one that could tackle the high notes in chest voice, ideally.

In came Brian, who was, and still is, of course, Kevin’s first cousin. Abruptly pulled from a boring class in high school by a phone call from Kevin, the inexperienced eighteen year old did an audition over the phone later that day and was immediately invited to come over to Orlando. It didn’t matter that the audition had been over a noisy landline, or that he had been nervous as heck, because his was the voice that Lou had wanted. His was the voice I was instantly jealous of. It was natural and smooth and clear and strong. And I could swear he had no clue. If we wouldn’t have plucked him out of Lexington, I’m pretty sure he would still be there. I was astonished to learn that he had never had a proper singing lesson in his life, apart from choir. And it was evident from his lack of technique, but it was still perfect. He had amazing control and precision and could send his voice down slippery slopes and loop it around our voices until he held the harmony expertly, like it was the only thing he’d been doing his entire life. If I had to give a visual representation of it, I’d say our voices were four straight lines and Brian’s was the string that tied them all together. I instantly idolized him and was glad to find out he was as fun loving as AJ and I were.

From then on, our band was complete. We worked hard, hours and days in a confined little building that could barely hold us and our equipment; perfecting our act to a tee. It got warm in there, especially during summer, especially in Orlando. I remember Brian completely passing out at one point after rehearsal and was instantly reminded of that time when I couldn’t get my two year old sister to move. Needless to say, I panicked. Brian pretty much recovered immediately though, but I still kept handing him bottle after bottle of water for pretty much two days after that.

That’s when I learnt he had a heart condition, which, he assured me, pretty much never bothered him and only became noticeable when it got really, really hot. He seemed to appreciate my concern though and he and I quickly became best friends. Wherever he was, I would go. Whenever we had an hour or two off, we would basketball, or play videogames. He was five years older and was everything I wanted to be. His voice was fast becoming one of my favorites in the entire world, and it seemed to only get better and better as we got more and more training.

After we broke in Europe, things went extremely fast.

Never in a thousand years had I ever dreamed of doing the things I was doing. We were appearing on TV shows, selling out venues and signing autograph after autograph until our hands were numb. The pressure was gigantic and while I loved the rush and busyness of it all, I didn’t quite like the look in Lou’s eyes as he demanded more, bigger, better from us day after day. We didn’t sleep; we barely ate as we churned out performance after performance, appearance after appearance. I never had that much of a proper immune system, so I got sick often and those were the nights that I longed to go home. Those were the nights that playing videogames and eating three pizzas with Brian weren’t enough to unwind and I longed for a normal, more stable life. Those were the only nights I wished for that though. Because I had a new, better family now. And my work was my family.

Our European fame slowly trickled over to the US and then we just kinda... blew up. Out of proportion, you could say. I didn’t understand half of it, but I was glad it happened. People often complained that we were everywhere they turned, and honestly, that was what it felt like to me too. I still can’t believe we did so many things in such a short period of time. By the time we shot the video for a new single and Brian met his girlfriend, who would later become his wife, we were making it big in the entire world. I had never really had a girlfriend. Sure, I had flirted with multiple girls in Europe and although we didn’t understand each other’s language, they sure seemed to speak the language of love, which is a language I will not bother you with for another fifteen years, at the very least.

Brian seemed to be content with just one girlfriend though, and for a seventeen year old like me, that seemed like such a waste of potential. Our relationship changed then. Even though I had known him longer, he seemed to prefer the company of his new girlfriend over mine. I will spare you the details, because you don’t need to know about the intricateness of love just yet, like I said. I guess you will learn in time.

Our schedule became even crazier after that. So crazy, that it screwed up Brian’s health. When he told me he needed surgery to correct the worsened heart defect, I was completely terrified. Because after all, even though he sometimes chose his girlfriend over his friends, he was still my best friend. He had protected me and stood up for me when no one else would. He was my brother in every sense of the word. One day, you will know what it is like to have a brother, I promise.

There was a lot of tension between him and the rest of the band right then; especially between him and Lou.

Lou and management demanded we keep to the schedule, because we were only just breaking in the US. Our success was fragile and we simply didn’t have time or money to lose any kind of momentum by undergoing surgery and being unavailable for three months. I remember the absolute hate in Brian’s eyes when the manager finished his argument. I had never seen hate so pure before and it was definitely unlike Brian to express it so unrestrained. His voice was ever controlled though, as he spoke that we didn’t have money anyway and with that, he left.

He still won’t tell me how Lou and management convinced him to reschedule surgery not once, but twice. I assume a lot of threats to his future career did the trick quite well. Right then, I didn’t think much of it, but now, the absolute control Lou had over us disgusts me to no end. Our schedule continued, and I watched Brian become more and more quiet. I knew he was scared beyond belief. He wouldn’t talk to me, but I could sense his fear, and it made me scared too. As the months went by, he started to struggle during rehearsals, sometimes swaying dangerously at dance practice and his voice got a rougher edge to it, like he was tired constantly. He would go to bed as early as possible, so our nights of video games and pizza were over. I understood though.

And after a couple of fevers and his girlfriend threatening to leave if he rescheduled one more time, the day of the surgery was near. And that’s when I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life.

I don’t think Brian ever really forgave us completely after we failed to show up at his surgery. I knew his fear, I knew he was counting on us, I knew we were supposed to be a team, but still, we didn’t go. We were in Europe, then in Canada, doing promo when he went under. I didn’t normally get very nervous before a show or appearance, but knowing that every second something could go wrong in that OR back in Kentucky, I could barely get a word out during some of the interviews.

And we could have made it. We could have gotten on a plane and be back in the US before he’d even wake up, but we didn’t. We were cowards; we were terrified; we were the puppets handled by the big corporate suits of the music industry. We didn’t have opinions, and only two months, barely even eight weeks after surgery, Brian was back on the exact same schedule as before, and God, did I know that we screwed up. He would now only go out with his girlfriend and although I still did, he didn’t consider the band his family anymore. It was now his job; nothing more, nothing less. He had screaming matches with Lou often about money and it reminded me of my parents fighting over money when I was younger. My parents had long since divorced then and Brian was encouraging us to take a stand; to stand for justice, because Lou was stealing from us and we were allowing it.

But I didn’t care much about money then, because most of my income still went to my family. Even though I was eighteen, I was now acting as the main provider for my family. I didn’t want to be fired by Lou, I didn’t want the one good thing in my life to end so abruptly over money. I refused to help Brian in the beginning and we grew even further apart. I knew he felt betrayed beyond belief, because why shouldn’t we leave? Why shouldn’t we become our own boss and actually get a say in all of the craziness? And although I now know that a big lawsuit would have meant the end of the band, Brian did have a point. We had nothing, really. We were the performers; ours were the faces above many teenage beds and in many teenage hearts. But that was it.

And I had gotten used to it. In a way you could say I had accepted it.

When we finally did leave Lou and company, the band somehow got bigger than it had ever been. And now we had to do everything ourselves and it was really only a matter of time before we would start to show the cracks that the pressure was causing. Those cracks came in the form of AJ, who had found his sweet release in alcohol and cocaine. I remember that day we were forced to admit our imperfection on TRL for all those teenage hearts to see. We sat there, as four defeated dogs facing the aftermath and AJ gone off to rehab. I felt so incredibly embarrassed. Not because of AJ, but because I had believed that we were better than all the cliches. The rest of the tour was agony and by the end of it, everybody was so sick of each other that we had no choice but to take a hiatus. And I felt like my family was breaking apart all over again.

Not much later after that, I got an offer to make a solo album, which didn’t really sit well with the other members of the band. I assured them that it was only so that I could have something to do, because we weren’t working on anything at the moment, were we? I guess they were afraid I would ditch them if my career rose to heights I had never known. But honestly, that would have been the furthest thing from my mind. I wouldn’t break the family. Not this one. Not like the one I had broken before.

I didn’t see much of the others during the following two years. I know Kevin did a Broadway thing and Howie got into real estate and Brian had a son and was obnoxiously happy with his new family and AJ was just relaxing and getting healthy for the first time in years. But other than the facts of what they were doing, I never really knew them in those years. I felt alone often, because wasn’t this music thing supposed to be a shared experience?

And then suddenly, out of the blue, Brian called one day, asking if I felt like cutting some songs and see where it would go. I jumped at the chance, of course, because honestly, nobody really knew where the band was at at that point in time. We didn’t know if we’d ever be ready again to dive headfirst into the craziness again. And we didn’t. Our motto became: take it easy and do your best. And we did. And we’ve been doing it for eleven years already again. A lot has happened in those years, of course. Your daddy has done and said things he rather not mentions. I guess you will find out when you’re older, unfortunately. You know; the sins of the father and all that.

And then you came.

And family got a whole new meaning. And I had never imagined, not in a thousand years, how absolutely wonderful it feels. You and your mother, it’s all I need. I go out of the door for a few hours and I miss you, and it’s... it’s a whole new world. There are days that I think that I have to work work work, because what else is there and it’s what I’ve been doing my whole life... but then there’s you and I can’t believe it. I had never thought that I could love anything so small so much. You. You and your mother, those are the best things that have happened to me. Not the band, not the fame... it’s you. And I know it won’t always be this way, I know there will be harder times when you’re growing up with your whacky dad, but know that there is not a thing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you.

Know that there is no way that I would ever neglect or wrong you the way my family has done to me. Know that in the end, daddy will always come back, no matter what. I would give it all up if that meant you could live a happy little life with me and your mother and whatever brothers or sisters may be there in the future. You have made me what I am. And I am happy, Odin, I truly am.