When I was asked to write this story, I was at first hesitant, thinking, do I want these people to feel sorry for me? But than I realized, it wasn't for them I was writing this, it was for me.

Picking Up Where we Left Off

So many days have gone by since we have all been together. So many days that when added together, seem like they could be counted on one hand. Yet, two entire years have gone by since the funeral. Two years. I can't believe it.

I have grown so much in this time. At first it was hard, I didn't see myself being able to deal with it all. I hate change. It has never suited me well. After my brothers left, one at a time, I started to feel isolated from everyone. I withdrew into myself, barely talking. Kelly, my girlfriend decided I carried a little too much baggage so she dumped me, just as I was about to start my Junior year of high school.

When my family left, they went back to their normal lives. Kevin back to his wife and two daughters, Brian and Leigh back to Georgia, and AJ and Sarah went to California. AJ stayed for awhile after Mel's death. He stayed in Howie and Ricky's old apartment, since they had moved into the house with me.

It was nice having him around, we became closer the two of us. Unfortunately he decided that his place was back in California, so in September, he moved away again. Living with Howie and Ricky hasn't been so bad. I really like her and he has always treated me well. We can actually simulate a real family sometimes.

Only sometimes though

It has been hard for me. Teacher's always wanting to talk to my parents about grades and things like that. I always had to make up excuses. They new about my Dad, I would hear some of them whispering about it in the hallways. Especially after Mel died..well killed herself, it's important for me to remind myself how she died, to avoid the same fate I guess. I would hear them talking about her and hearing 'that poor kid' whispered as I would walk by.

People pitied me and I hated them for it. Not those people who felt sorry for me, but my parents. I hated them for putting me in that situation. Most of all, I hated Melissa.

At first, I visited my sister's gravesite almost every day, sometimes even more than that. I would sit there and tell her stories about things that happened in school, or read her letters from Kevin. When Kel and I broke up I went to her for consolation, a dead person, for a hug.

I'm not sure when it all changed for me, maybe it was when AJ left, or maybe it was when I failed my first subject since grammar school, but one day, I just stopped visiting her. Took all her pictures off my walls, threw her blankets in my closet and tried to forget about her completely.

One thing I didn't stop doing was visiting Mel's Tree. I went there every single Sunday. It became a ritual for me, after my shift at the restaurant, I would go and sit under that tree and read or write. No matter the weather, I was there, either with a jacket and blanket, or a thermos full of cold lemonade and a fan. I never missed a day.

Rituals have become a very important part of my life. I began to understand why Howie would run every morning. It was his therapy, so I started to join him. At first I could barely keep up, but then it got easier and now he can barely keep up with me. He tells me I need to slow down, but I am afraid to.

The faster I coast through life, the better. Once I slow down I might have to take a minute and really think about things. That would be bad for me, that has always been the first step in the downfall of the Carter family. The slowing down to a sudden halt.

"Nick, come on down dinner's ready!" I turn towards the sound of Ricky's voice and decide to close my journal for the night. It's just the two of us for dinner tonight. The first time it happened, I felt so uncomfortable, now it just feels like...home. I stand up and fix my hair before jumping downstairs to see what's for dinner, unaware that when I reached the bottom of the stairs, things were gonna change forever...

My life at times has felt like a roller coaster, exhilarating and terrifying, never knowing what to expect around every corner...

Ricky Don't Lose My Number

I travelled down to the kitchen and was met with the most enticing smells. Ricky was an incredible cook. She could easily cook Leigh under and over the table. She made sure never to throw it in your face. It was nice having a female in the house again. Ricky came in and suddenly the house, that was dirty, smelly and sad looking, just naturally perked up.

"Hey baby doll" She said pulling out a chair for me to sit down on. It was nice, I felt like I had a Mom. She would make a fantastic mother someday.

"Thanks, what smells so good?" I asked trying to peer into the big pot she placed in front of us.

"Beef stew"

"Oh yummy, did you put dumplings in there?"

She walked over to me and patted my head, "Yes I did. Just for you"

She poured some of the stew into a bowl for me and then sat down and joined me for what I thought would be a normal dinner. I really should know by now, my life and normal, are usually not thrown about in the same sentence.

"So, I have some news" I looked up mid chew.

"Yeah? Did my brother finally pop the question?" She laughed and showed me her bare finger. "Oh, sorry" I said with my mouth full.

"Actually, I was offered a job, a great job" I knew that sentence wasn't going to end well. For me anyway, but I plastered on a smile and went with it.

"Really? Where?" Please say here please say here please say here

"Dallas"

"Oh" I said trying to mask my disappointment. She could tell I was upset, so she came over to me and rubbed my back as I ate. "I'm not sure if I'm gonna take it or not yet, but I am going there for a month, you know, to see if it's something I want to do"

A month?

"When?" I asked her once again trying to be happy for her, while at the same time desolate.

"Tomorrow" I turned my head to try to see her face. She stopped rubbing my back and sat down beside me. "Don't worry honey, I know what that means. I am just trying it out. Okay?"

"Sure, whatever... it's your life" I said as matter of factly as I could. I wanted to cry, to beg her not to go. Once people left this place, they never came back.

"Maybe you and Howie could come and visit me down there" She said trying to make me feel better.

"I don't know, I have school to worry about. It's my senior year and I don't think I could afford to miss"

"Well, let's wait and see then. Now eat up" she sat back down and together we ate what was probably our last supper as a semi real family.

After dinner, I went back up to my room to get some homework done. On my floor, lined like a paper carpet, were bunches and bunches of college applications just waiting to be filled out. I had no desire to go to college, as recent as a few months ago. Suddenly, my inner voice, demanded I go. I'm not sure what I would even major in, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, besides happy.

I picked up the first one I came across, Texas A & M. I flipped through it and quickly threw it down, only to reach over and pick it up again. If Howie and Ricky were gonna move to Texas, maybe I should keep this one. You never know. So I put it in the keeper pile. A knock on my door, brought me up on my feet, sure enough I opened up to see Howie standing there.

"So, I heard that she told you huh?" He asked still waiting to be invited inside, I walked away and back to my bed. I don't know why, but I was mad at him. Anger displacement I heard it was called. I paid attention in my psychology classes. When I failed to invite him in, he walked hesitantly behind me and sat next to me on the bed. I had already went back to my laying down position now browsing through some more brochures.

"So what are you looking at?" He asked peering over my shoulder.

"Catalogs" I said rather cold and harsh.

"For college?"

"Yeah D for college"

"What's the problem Nicky?"

"There's no problem, everything's fine"

"No it's not, something's bothering you"

"You know I'm pretty busy so if you don't mind" Howie sighed, but decided to drop the conversation. He stood up and walked out the door but before leaving he peered his head in, "You know.. I'm sad about it too. I love her and I don't want her to go" Then he went away.

I felt like such a jerk. Of course he was sad. It was so selfish of me to just think it effected me. She was the love of his life. I wanted to go and tell him I was sorry, but didn't. I'd tell him later. He would understand. That was the beauty of D, he always understood.

I sat up thinking about Ricky's departure again. I felt dumb for being so upset about it. I mean I was upset when J and Sarah left but it really didn't bother me that badly. Why was this bothering me? It made no sense. Another knock at my door, made me roll my eyes

"Go away D, I'm tired"

"It's me honey" Ricky's calm and soothing voice

"Oh okay come on in" She laughed from the doorway, "How come you were turning your brother away but I get to come in? I feel so special"

"Because I like you" She laughed and sat beside me, picking up one of the college brochures.

"Looks like you have your hands full young man" She smiled.

"Yup I sure do"

"I'm sorry about leaving baby, but I would be really dumb if I didn't go"

"I know, It's just that...I'll miss you, that's all" She smiled and gave me a warm kiss on the cheek, it was November, a few days after Thanksgiving, cold and breezy outside. I wanted to remember it, just in case I never saw her again.

When she left my room, her scent still lingered, She always smelled of Lavender and Lilac. It was always in our bathroom, I would occasionally catch hell from my friends because my backpack would smell like it. Then I realized why I was gonna miss her so much, she was normalcy. And she was leaving...

So I would just go with the flow, hoping that in the end, everything would turn out just fine. It never did though. Only fairy tales have happy endings, and my life was far from a fairy tale...

Ah, Look At All The Lonely People

Ricky left the following morning and just as I had predicted, she never came back. Howie didn't take the news well at all. She loved it there in Texas. From the first week she went, she sounded so happy, D knew she was gonna take the job.

She called him from a cell phone, crying as she talked and told him it was the best decision she could make. If they truly loved each other, than they would once again, be together. It was poetic, but a bunch of bologna. Howie believed her though, told her that he would be waiting for her, when and if she ever decided to return. She told him to tell me the news. Didn't even have the guts to tell me herself.

She knew she couldn't lie to me. So once again, the male Carter's were fending for themselves. I felt bad for D. He seemed so lost without Ricky. They had dated for such a long time. I also felt guilty. Like the only reason he was not following her down there was because of me. I never told him not to go. He never asked.

He has kept to himself ever since Ricky's announcement. Working late and coming home and going right to sleep. I was worried about him, so I called Brian. In turn Brian decided to come up for Christmas. I was happy. It would be nice having him up for the holidays. We had spent Thanksgiving alone. Just the three of us, Howie, Ricky and I, minus Dad.

Dad had taken a turn since Mel's death. He kind of reverted into a huge depression. Not saying much to anybody. Truthfully, I didn't mind him being like that. I know it was a selfish way to look at things, but I needed to be selfish sometimes.

Unfortunately, that didn't last long and he turned back into his old angry, hostile self. He had been overly aggressive at his home and had been given several warnings to behave. He was hospitalized shortly before Thanksgiving because he tried yet again to kill himself. Not really even tried, more threatened. It was impossible to kill yourself where he was living now. Nurses were on staff 24/7 watching him and preventing him from using anything that could even remotely hurt any of the clients there. They weren't even allowed to have shoelaces. Still my Dad found a way to "kill" himself. He said he would stick his head in the freezer.

As far fetched as that sounded, they still had to take it as a real threat so they called 911 and in turn, my Dad spent Thanksgiving in the mental ward at St. Luke's. He would be coming home for Christmas though, which was only now about a week and a half away. It would be good to have Brian and Leigh there to help with Dad. I loathed even being in the same room with him.

I was surprised that Leigh said yes to spending the holidays with us. Usually the special holidays were reserved for her family. We got the generic holidays. Like Columbus Day weekend or maybe a few days in the summer. Nothing big that my father could ruin. Brian must have been terribly worried about Howie to get Leigh to come and spend such an important day with us.

Whatever the reason, I was glad he was coming. I needed him and missed him. This year had been rough on me too. I was lonely, all the time. Lonely and feeling like the third wheel constantly. Even in my own home.

Howie didn't mean to make me feel that way, but I think, he took a lot of his frustration out on me. Not with words, or physically with actions, but with silence. An uncomfortable silence. A silence that spoke volumes to me. It said, why are you here? Go away. So I lived in loneliness.

Loneliness at home, at school, at work, everywhere. It haunted me at night when I needed a hug more than anything else in the world, when I missed Kelly and now when I missed Ricky. Maybe Howie was mad because I missed his girlfriend. Maybe he felt like I wasn't entitled to miss her. Not sure. All I knew was how lonely I was and how lonely he must have been too.

I looked down at my floor and picked up that Texas A & M brochure, looking at it one more time before removing it from my list of possibilities and tossing it in the garbage. "Bye Ricky" I said as it landed with a thud in the basket. "Bye" I said one last time before turning out the light to go to sleep.

Even the holidays, supposedly the happiest time of year, brought nothing but sadness...

Silver Bells and Christmas Cheer

For as long as I can remember, the holidays were always rough for us. All of us. We would get moody and distant from each other. Thanksgiving wasn't really that bad, either was Easter. But Christmas? Oh boy, that was another story entirely. When Christmas would roll around, you could tell by the mounting tension in the house. When Mom was alive, it wasn't totally uncommon for her to just stay in bed all day crying. Whether it was about not having enough money for presents, or that it was because our tree was crooked or maybe because we only got three Christmas cards, she would be beside herself.

Dad, would just go around cussing at anything that moved. When I was a small child maybe about 4 or 5, we had this hanging Santa ornament on our front door that would say "Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas" Whenever anybody opened or closed it. Dad would get so upset because whenever the door opened, Santa would do his thing. He would say "Shut the Fuck up!" And slam the door over an over again. That was our nightly entertainment. The funniest part about it was, even though I was so young at the time, I went up to him one day, or so my family tells me, and I said "Daddy, why do you not just take the thing off the door?" I guess everyone laughed and my father took the stupid ornement and flung it into the street. So ended the tale of the annoying Santa. But unfortunately not the annoying father.

Dad made every holiday a memorable one. I used to get so upset I would actually make myself sick. Physically sick. My siblings eventually wisened up and stopped coming home for Christmas. The worst one I could think of was when it was just Mom, Dad and I. Mel had gone away skiing with some friends and I don't remember where Howie was. The entire day, I spent in my room just looking at the clock hoping it would end soon. Dad sat downstairs and watched TV while Mom cried in their room. There was no Santa that year, I think that's how I found out he didn't exist. There was also no Christmas dinner either. I ate potato chips that year. It was awful. I'll never forget it. Ever.

Mom was dead less than a year later. Much to no one's surprise.

So, Christmas to me always meant anxiety and sadness. Not a good combination considering all that poor Howie and I had been through this year. This would be the first Christmas that we would have here on High street after my sister's death. The first one, we all went to Kevin's house. I think that was actually one of the better ones we have had. It's funny how a tragedy can bring you close together. We were shocked at the invite, even Dad was invited, he didn't go though. Maybe that's why it was so good.

Season's change though, and our closeness diminshed, much to no one's surprise. It was okay though, it was good while it lasted.

So now that Christmas was only about four days away, I was beginning to dread it with every passing second. Brian would be coming tomorrow, and I couldn't wait. I had wanted to get him something special for the holiday. So, I went and bought him a great frame and in it, I placed a picture of me and him playing basketball. He was holding me up in the air so I could get the ball in the hoop. It's one of my favorite pictures of all time. Then I also bought us court side seats to a Sixers game, I made sure they would be here while he was in town. It cost me a bundle but the expression on his face would be priceless.

I bought Leighanne a porcelain duck.

If I could get Howie anything he wanted it would be Ricky, but since that wouldn't happen, I opted to buy him that TV/ VCR he has been always wanting. I know I was spending a lot, but I was working. It was worth it. That's how I compensate for Christmas woes, I spend my money. Buy things in exchange for love. Whatever works I guess. Dad, I have no clue what to get him. Maybe a muzzle. Or better yet maybe another talking Santa Ornament.

Howie has been very quiet leading up to this holiday. He has been working brutal hours and mentioned in passing that he was thinking of working on Christmas. I hope he has changed his mind. I guess we'll wait and see. I decided to stop being reflective and run to the bathroom, since those holiday memories sent my stomach into high gear. I was hoping that when Brian got here he would make everything right, for all of us.

I forgot Leighanne was coming...

And sometimes even jealousy...

Big News

I woke up three hours early to get Brian from the airport. I was excited. Like little kid excited. I love my brother. I know it's wrong of me to play favorites, but hands down it was him. I don't know why exactly, but he just made me happy. Made me feel like I was worth being cared about. I missed him so much. I stood at the terminal just glancing at my watch and waiting patiently for his arrival. Finally I saw him walking with that confident stride of his as he held on to his wife's hand. The two of them bouncing and happily in love. When he saw me, he smiled. So I ran up to him and grabbed him in a hug.

He pulled me close to him and then pushed me away, "Is it possible that you have gotten taller? Gosh Leigh look at this kid, he is really grown up" He then tousled my hair and hugged me once again. I walked over to Leighanne and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Brian is right Nick, you are quite the stunningly handsome boy you know" I rolled my eyes at her and smiled. I grabbed their carry ons and we walked to the luggage claim.

"So is Dad home yet?" Brian asked me as we grabbed their three suitcases and headed back to my car.

"What are you kidding me? We are waiting until the last possible second before we get him, you know maybe like 3PM and take him back at 6" I laughed, "Hey sounds like a good idea to me" Brian said helping with the bags.

"No really, Howie is getting him tomorrow night so this way he can be home all day on Christmas Eve, woohoo" I said trying to sound as sarcastic as possible. Brian became serious at the mention of Howie, "How is D?" He asked, concern really showing in his eyes. "Not good, he doesn't talk about things much especially with me anymore. He hates me I think" I couldn't believe I so readily confessed my feelings to Brian. But that was how I felt.

"Aw Boo, he doesn't hate you, he is just sad. That's all"

"Well, he plans on working on Christmas. I'm hoping maybe you can convince him not to"

"I'll try" He said as he helped Leigh into my car. The ride home was spent playing catch up, they told me about what they had been up to this past year and I told them how school was going. Nothing big really to talk about, or so I thought.

"We have a huge Christmas present for you guys" Brian said just as we pulled into the driveway, "Actually it's a Christmas announcement" I shut off the car and looked at him suspiciously, "You do?" I asked slowly bringing another smile to his face.

"Yes, but this announcement will come before the holiday, in fact I will tell you first"

"Okay, tell me. What is it?" I asked as we headed inside. I placed the bags by the tree and sat on the couch anticipating the news.

"Before we do, is Howie home? I would like to tell him too"

"No, he's working but if you tell me now, I promise not to say anything" He looked at his wife and whispered something to her. She nodded and grabbed his hand.

"Okay, guess what kiddo?"

"What?"

"You're gonna be an uncle!" Brian said with a huge smile on his face. He was so happy. Brian was going to finally be a father. One of his biggest dreams ever, finally realized. Yet, I didn't feel happy. I felt jealous.

I smiled at him but I could already tell, he was disappointed in my reaction. "Wow, that's fantastic guys" I said jumping up and hugging them both, "Congratulations, so when is the big day?" I asked pulling away from them. Brian still looked a little upset and his voice lost that air of excitement as he continued. "The baby is due in April" I nodded.

I was doing the math in my head and realized that they had known for months now. Five months in fact, but yet not so much as a word was uttered about it. Why the big secret? I suddenly not only felt jealous but I also felt unimportant, even mad. Maybe they didn't want us to know. Maybe they were afraid that we would have corrupted the child. Isn't that what Kevin did? I suddenly felt the need to get out of there, if I didn't I was gonna explode. Explode or cry.

"Guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I forgot I have to go do something, I'll be back in a little while" And without another word or explanation, I left the house and got back into my car. Tears were running down my face as I backed out of the drive. Brian was looking out the window probably wondering what my problem was. I was wondering that myself.

The one thing I was sure of, was that suddenly I wasn't quite feeling so important anymore. I know it was a childish reaction, but it was how I felt. Brian was my security blanket, the one guy who would always be there, there had been so many more in my life but one by one they had disappeared. Mel, then Kelly, Ricky, Howie, now Brian. All gradually moving away from me. Brian would now have another kid in his life. He would probably call him Boo. I stopped the car and rested my head on the steering wheel. Angry about how jealous I was, angry about how young I felt.

I wasn't sure where I planned on going but my car naturally found itself migrating back to Mel's Tree. It almost became a second thought. I wiped me eyes once again and decided to listen to some music to lighten the mood. I chalked my mood up to the holidays. They were always emotional for me. I was happy for my brother, God why wouldn't I be? I was just being stupid. I took a deep breath and sang along with The Little Drummer Boy.

I still found myself crying though. Like a crazy 17 year old. What was wrong with me? Suddenly I heard a car horn beep at me, I hadn't even realized that I ran a red light. I came within inches of hitting a car but luckily I managed to veer off in time. Nothing damaged. I sat behind the wheel all shaky and crying now. When the flashing red lights pulled up behind me.

Great just great I thought to myself as once again I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Hello officer" I said in a cracked scared voice. He looked in to my car, I'm sure looking for drugs or alcohol. "You need to pay attention to what you are doing son, you ran a red light and almost caused a huge accident back there" He said. I nodded.

"I know, I'm sorry sir" He asked for my license and registration and as he sat in his police car checking my information, I wanted to just drive away. Keep driving until I fell off the end of the earth.

Finally after what felt like a year and a day, he returned with ticket in hand, "Okay sorry son, but you need to drive carefully, the last thing we need is having to explain to your family why you weren't coming home for the holidays"

As he left I felt a tear sweep down my cheek once again, 'It's okay, they wouldn't much care anyway', I said as I drove towards the park.

Why were other families so normal and why couldn't that be mine? That is all I have ever longed for...

The Giving Tree

It was a cold day, much colder than I had anticipated when I had at the last minute, decided to come out to My tree. I know this was hers but now she is dead, so I have claimed it as my own. I understand why she came out here all the time, it's addictive. It made me feel welcome, it made me feel like it wanted me here. I know that sounds crazy and maybe it is. But it gave me the feeling that I so desperately needed, the feeling of belonging. When I sat under this tree, I felt like I belonged there. Yeah, I do sound like a crazy person.

I placed my head against the cold trunk and closed my eyes. Smiling at the words I had just spoken. Thinking about how the small children being wheeled by their parents in their baby carriages must be looking at me and saying Is that guy talking to that tree? What's even sadder is that all I would have to do is scream It's okay I'm a Carter!!! And people would just accept it. Yeah my family was bonkers, and I was one of my family, so I guess that made me bonkers too.

I refused to go home until I came up with a reasonable excuse in my head, to be jealous of my soon to be niece or nephew. What was wrong with me? I sighed and shook my head in disgust with myself. There they were letting me know good news. The best that they could ever hope for and what do I do? I bail on them. No wonder they all hate me! Once again I said aloud.

I closed my eyes again this time picturing how the scenario should have really gone, Brian and some other wife for starters, would be telling us the news. Maybe Mom was baking Christmas cookies in the kitchen, it was a cold day so Dad was putting kindling in the fireplace. Mel and I would be placing our ornaments on the tree, the ones we made every year for our parents that they so graciously kept. Singing carols and having a great time, Waiting for the rest of the family to arrive.

Brian and his wife, let's call her Wanda, would then tell us about the baby and we would shout with glee, Mom would grab his face in her hands and kiss him while dad would give hug after hug to his wife. Mel and I would then come in and wrap our arms around them both wishing them the best of luck. What a Christmas would be had by everyone. Unwrapping present after present while Mom and Dad, whose arms were wrapped around each other just looked and snapped pictures. And there would be eggnog too. Happiness and eggnog seem to go well together. What a happy family we would be as we got ready for this Carter child. Of course Wanda would have just found out about it, and told us the minute she knew. Even before her own family.

I smiled at the thought and a shiver ran through my spine. Okay Nick, time to go before you get frost bite. I rubbed my hands together and did something strange. I hugged the tree. Didn't even look to see if anyone saw me or not. I needed a hug so I hugged her. Merry Christmas! I said to my wooden friend as I left the park and headed home.

Just as I thought would happen, I was met at the door by a very concerned Brian. He gave me a look that I could swear was contempt, I hugged him. "Where did you run off to?" He asked me and then before I could react to what he was doing, he grabbed my ticket out of my hands. He read it and his face filled with anger.

"Running a red light and driving recklessly?" He said holding the ticket in his hand. I looked down at the ground, "Yeah, I missed a light and then had to swerve to avoid a collision" Brian just sighed and placed the ticket in his pocket.

"Brian I kind of need that unless you want them to come arrest me"

"No, Nick I got this one, Merry Christmas"

"So for Christmas, you are paying my ticket?" I said confused. He nodded and then joined his wife in the kitchen.

I looked over at the place where a tree should be, we had stopped putting one up about four years ago. Mel decided it was too much trouble and since we didn't have any ornaments or anything why bother? I had argued that I wanted one, so she made me do it myself. Boy that was a lot of fun. Nothing like putting up a tree while your father calls you names and tells you what a screw up you are. I had went down to the basement to get all of the ornaments I had made for my parents over the years only to find that they had been thrown away, so I left the tree half way done and that is how it stayed for that Christmas, no tree ever since then.

Any presents we would receive which wasn't much at all, we would place on the coffee table. As usual, I had mine all wrapped and ready to go, but as of yet there was nothing on that table for me. Well, now at least I know what I got from Brian.

The humming coming from the kitchen brought me out of my pity party and I went to join them in there. Leighanne was humming a Christmas song while Brian had his arms around her belly kissing her neck. "They are normal" I thought, "how is that fair?" I sat down at the table, "So what are you guys doing?" I asked. They just kind of ignored me, whether it was my imagination or reality who knew, but when I never got an answer, I left the kitchen and travelled back up to my room.

At least my room looked like Christmas, I strung up some lights around my window and bought one of those small Christmas trees from CVS. You know the ones where the decorations were included? I sat looking at my tree and turned on some Christmas music, transporting myself back to that OTHER family. The one that sang holding hands, the one that knew how to be normal and happy.

The knocking on my door made me turn in that direction, "Hey Nick" Brian said through the door, never even bothering to open it, "Leigh and I are going Christmas shopping, can we take your car?"

"Yeah sure" I said

"Cool! Thanks man we'll be back in a little bit. If we're not home in time for dinner, eat without us"

"Okay" I said sounding sad.

I closed my eyes and placed my head on my bed, noticing that since he has been home, he hadn't called me Boo. I was Nick.

Merry Christmas! I said before forcing myself to fall asleep...

Than I took a minute to notice that maybe my family WAS normal, maybe I was the odd one out. The one that didn't belong...

A Christmas To Remember

I woke up on Christmas morning with a headache and a nervous stomach. Those were the two signs I needed to tell me that Christmas was finally here. Knowing my Dad was coming home today, just sent my stomach into over drive, that and knowing that Howie would be here against his will was all I needed to dread this day even more than usual. The one good thing? Seeing Brian's face when he opened my gift and saw those tickets. I wanted to make sure I had a camera handy for the look on his face. It would be priceless.

I got out of bed and headed downstairs in my jammies. Dad was already home by the time I made it down. I heard him complaining from halfway down the steps. He was yelling at someone. I almost turned around and went back upstairs but I didn't. Just continued down.

Biggest mistake I may have ever made!

"Good morning and Merry Christmas everyone!" I said to my family, who were gathered around the table.

"Oh gee, look who's up, the retard! Merry Christmas to you too jackass!" I rolled my eyes at my father and noticed the look that Howie shot him.

"Morning Nick and Merry Christmas to you too" He seemed low for Howie but he was trying to force himself to be jolly. He was also failing miserably at it.

I looked over at Leighanne and Brian who were both oblivious to my entrance into the kitchen. He was hugging her and laughing with her as she cooked breakfast over the stove. They seemed to happy, almost too happy to be MY family.

The three of us sat in silence as we waited for Leighanne and Brian to get to the table, finally he turned and walked towards us, "Hey Nick! I didn't even hear you come in" He said taking a seat next to me.

"I know, I said Merry Christmas" I said it almost under my breath.

"Okay, well Merry Christmas to you too" He said grabbing a bagel from the center of the table. Leigh had her hands full with pancakes and bacon set upon a huge tray. The smell wafting and hanging in my nose. It all looked wonderful.

"Eat up everybody" Leigh said and we did, like the hungry men we were. I stuffed my plate with food, my stomach telling me to stop but I refused to listen. Brian and Howie were engaged in light conversation with each other and Leigh and Dad were talking. Talking not yelling or insulting. I just sat and ate off my plate, not saying anything to anyone. Just keeping to myself. I wanted to go away again, right then and there. I wanted to put on my coat and run to my park and sit under my tree. Jammies and all.

I sat and watched my father, who never in his life had a civil conversation with me, actually laughing with Leighanne. His voice low, his demeanor calm. Meanwhile, Brian and Howie were just getting along great. I realized this was the family I have fantasized about, only problem was, it was ME that didn't fit in.

After about an hour of stuffing our faces, Howie finally made a move towards the living room. Yay! present time. I stood up and happily ran ahead, making everyone laugh.

"Nicky, aren't you a little too old to be that excited about opening your presents?" Howie asked me as I sat with a thud right next to the Christmas coffee table.

"No, he's an imbecile, he acts like he is three years old, friggin asshole and where are my cigarettes?"

Brian handed dad his stupid cigarettes and all was right with the world at that moment.

I grabbed the present I bought for Howie and handed it to him and then gave Leigh hers and Brian his. "Open open!" I said in absolute glee. I saw Brian going for his first, so I stopped him, "No! Brian I want you to go last okay?" He laughed and nodded.

"Leigh you can go first" She nodded and then meticulously opened her gift. "Wow! It's..a duck! Great!" She held it up to Brian as if to say, this is the stupidest thing I have ever gotten. I couldn't care less.

Howie went next and really liked his TV/VCR. "Oh my gosh how did you afford this?" He asked me as he pulled me into a hug. Seeing his smile made all the extra hours at work worth it. "I worked" Is all I said. Howie then tried to hand me a present but I stopped him, "No, I want Brian to open his first" I said. I grabbed my camera and watched as he pulled it open. He picked up the frame with our photo in it and smiled at me "Aw thanks Nick! I love it"

I laughed, "There's more" I said, "Look behind the frame" He did and actually yelped when he saw the tickets attached to the back. I stood up and walked over to him giving him a high five, "Two tickets five rows back BABY!" He jumped up and hugged me. "Man!! You are the best!"

"When is that for?" Leigh asked.

"Tonight! It's a Christmas game. Isn't that great?" I said while Brian still looked at the tickets in his hand.

"Honey can I talk to you a second?" Leigh said to her husband. She pulled him away.

"Where's my present jackass?" Dad asked me when they left so abruptly.

"Dad, lay off of him" Howie defended, "No, it's okay D, Here dad" I said handing him an unwrapped carton of cigarettes. He didn't say thanks he only hugged them, in the same way I had hugged that tree. Howie then motioned for me to open my present from him. I ripped it open and saw it was the video game I really wanted. "Aw, thanks Howie" I said going and kissing him on the cheek.

"I didn't know I had a fag for a son" Dad laughed under his breath. I hated him. I wanted to shove those cigarettes down his throat, light them and watch his head explode. Luckily Brian came back before I could actually do it, not that I would have. I stood up and walked over to him, patting him on the back I said, "So, are you excited?" He looked at me but then quickly looked down at the ground.

"Actually" Leighanne interrupted, "We have some big news for all of you" I backed away again, wondering why suddenly Brian was acting so distant.

"Brian and I are going to have a baby" She said and before she could even finish, Howie was up and hugging both of them. So was dad. I smiled, but inside I wasn't happy, still jealous. Finally when the news had sunk in, I once again asked Brian, just in case he forgot I asked a few minutes ago, "So Brian, are you excited?"

"About the baby? Of course! We are really excited"

"No, not the baby, the tickets!" His facial expression changed, "Oh yeah about the tickets, Nick maybe you can have Howie go with you"

"What?" I moved away from him.

"I can't go Nick, I can't leave Leigh here alone with dad"

"She won't be alone, she will have Howie here" My voice was growing louder and the other friendly conversation stopped. Now they were all looking at us.

"Nick, come on, you gotta understand"

"No, I don't gotta understand anything, what I understand is I worked my ASS off for those tickets!" Brian rolled his eyes at me.

"We are having a baby" He said

"Oh yeah you haven't mentioned that in about I don't know like a second or two. I almost forgot!"

"Be reasonable" He pleaded but I couldn't be reasonable.

"Tell that to your wife!" I almost screeched out, "She's being totally unreasonable!"

"That's enough Nick!" Howie said now trying to calm me down.

Leighanne feeling uncomfortable now just walked into the kitchen. "You need to calm yourself down Nicky" Howie said in a very calm voice. It only made me madder.

"Calm down? No! This is bullshit! I will not calm down" They were a little shocked because it was so out of my character to act this way. Dad was loving it though, he was smirking and laughing.

"And you shut the hell up!" I said to my father. Walking up to him, I pulled the carton of cigarettes out of his hand and threw them to the floor, "I am tired of your crap old man so quit it!"

"Nick that's enough!" Brian yelled at me, "Oh now you tell me to stop, he has been making fun of me ever since I got down here and you tell ME to stop?"

"Yes, I am telling you to stop because you are acting like a child!" Brian bounced back as he picked up dad's present and gently gave it back to him. "You know who's acting like a child? You are. You do anything that stupid bitch tells you to do!" I said it before I had time to edit myself and the next thing I knew, I was met with Brian's fist making contact with my face.

I fell to the floor and cowered like a scared child. I had my hand to my face, trying to block out what had just happened. Brian was still standing holding his clenched fist up in the air, and Howie was now by my side. Even dad didn't dare to say a word.

Finally after what felt like forever, Brian put his fist down, "Oh my God Nicky I'm.." He stopped almost looking like he was horrified by what he did. I had to look away. I stood up and ran past him and Howie, who kept calling for me to come back. I could swear I heard Dad Laughing as I ran up the stairs.

When I got up to the top of the steps I barely made it into the bathroom in time. I heaved up my breakfast, crying the entire time. Howie knocked on the door but I refused to answer. "Come on Nick, let me in" I was now splashing water over my tear stained face. Looking at myself in the mirror.

Nick Cater hits the bottom. I thought as I once again splashed some more water on my face. Taking a few deep breaths, I unlocked the bathroom door, met with Howie's concerned face, I pushed past him and went into my room. He followed me, but I closed him out. I stood with my head against the door while I could feel Howie doing the same on the opposite side.

"Talk to me kiddo please?" He pleaded. He sounded so upset and hurt that I opened the door to him. I was met with the face of a torn and broken man. I reached for him and gave him a hug as HE cried. Together we walked into my room and sat on my bed.

"Are you alright?" He asked me gently taking my face in his hands. "Yeah I'll be okay. Brian hits like a girl" I tried to laugh but it sounded forced. He grabbed me into another hug. "Brian didn't mean to hit you, he feels awful"

"Well, I don't give a damn how Brian feels" I said sounding much like the child I was accused of being. "Aw I think you care a lot. You are hurt, so is he"

"You are too though" I said to him

"What?"

"You are hurt and nobody punched you"

"Don't worry about me"

"Why?"

"Because, I came up hear to see if you were alright"

"Howie do you hate me?"

"What?"

"I'm really sorry about Ricky. If you want to leave, you know move up there to be with her, I'll understand" Howie looked at me and smiled. The kind of smile that told me he loved me. It wasn't my fault.

"It's over Nick. We broke up before she even left. We just didn't want to tell you. She was cheating on me. Some guy she met at her aerobics class" He sighed and laughed a little.

"Aerobics?"

"Yeah"

"I'm really sorry Howie. You deserve better than that" He nodded but I was overcome with a deep sadness when I knew for sure that deep down inside he didn't believe me. He felt like he deserved all the crap that fell his way. Just like me. We were interrupted by a light knock on the door. Howie looked over at me and smiled, ready to get up to leave. "No" I said grabbing his hand "Stay please?" He sat back down and once again a knock was heard on the door.

"Nick, can I come in?" Brian said very hesitantly. "Yes" I whispered. I sounded scared and couldn't help but wonder if I was. He peered in at first, then when he saw it was safe and that I wasn't waiting with a baseball bat in my hand, he came all the way in and sat down on the floor. At my side, like a puppy dog.

"Nice tree" He said, "You should bring it downstairs" I found I couldn't even look at him. It made me sad, but I was uneasy. I didn't want to be afraid of Brian yet I was. That sucked. "I like having a little bit of Christmas right in here" My voice was a little cracked. He turned to look at me and I flinched. I actually flinched. He was surprised by my reaction and turned to face me, "Nick, I am sorry. I didn't mean to hit you! You have to know I would NEVER hurt you" I didn't know though, and that hurt more than the sting of the punch.

"What's done is done" I said now focusing on my tree. It left a warm glow in my room, not at all appropriate for the conversation we were having. "Nick, come on kiddo, talk to me. I was wrong. God what if I do that to my own son?" He said now looking like a panic had set in. "You won't" I said now sinking down off my bed to sit next to him, Howie still being a silent observer.

"How do you know that?" He asked me, now tears in HIS eyes. "I just know" I said. I wanted to finish my thought but I knew it would hurt him. I wanted to say, because you would never hurt someone you love. And you don't love me. Not anymore anyway.

"I didn't mean to call Leigh a bitch" I said placing my head in the crux of his shoulder. He answered that gesture by placing his head on mine. "I know" He answered.

Now Howie had slid down next to Brian on the other side and there we all sat staring at my little Christmas tree.

I never did get to go to that game. I gave the tickets to a guy I worked with. He had a brother that was more than willing to go with him. The ironic thing is, Brian, Howie and I stayed up in my room for hours, just staring at the tree. Leaving Leighanne alone with my dad. Go figure...

If it wasn't me, than why did everyone always feel the need to pull away? Maybe it would be easier for me to just join the bandwagon...

Fear Of The Dark

For as long as I remember, I have always had an intense fear of the dark. Worrying about bogey men coming out of closets or monsters crawling out from under my bed would keep me up all night long. Looking over my blankets occasionally and crying about eerie shadows the moonlight cast on my wall, was how I spent a good portion of my childhood. Afraid of the dark.

As I grew up, that irrational fear was replaced by fear of the unknown. Bogeymen made room for mental illness, and monsters turned into my parents. Now that I am at the crux of adulthood, almost able to touch it with the tip of my fingers, I once again started to fear the dark.

Dark took a form though, and that was depression.

I started suffering from insomnia after Christmas. At first, when I closed my eyes, that stupid argument I had with Brian would come into my brain, playing like a movie. The yelling, the total loss of control, culminating in him punching me in the face. That was bad, but what was worse was my after show analysis. That is when my mind really went into overdrive. I didn't blame him for doing what he did, in fact, if I was in the same position and the love of my life was being slandered by some stupid kid, I may very well have done the same thing.

The remaining few days that they spent at the house were the worst for me. Totally uncomfortable. Leigh wouldn't even make eye contact with me and after Brian finally left my room, he did nothing but console a crying Leighanne. Making me hate her even more. That night, Christmas, I just sat next to my window, staring at the street below. I couldn't even bring myself to close my eyes. I knew there was no use. Instead I replayed the scene over and over again, trying to change the outcome. I had never let myself bring those kinds of emotions to the for front before. I felt like my Dad and that made me nauseous and caused major insomnia.

Brian acted like nothing was wrong between us, like he understood why I lost my cool. I didn't believe it though. When Howie left to drop them off at the airport, I hugged Leigh and then him, but I didn't feel the usual warmth coming from either. That day when I hugged him, I didn't want to let go. I wanted to just hold on to him until I felt the warmness of his love, but the warm feel of safety and love I had felt whenever I embraced my brother was gone.

"I love you Brian and again I'm sorry" I whispered in his ear.

"It's okay Nick, your emotions got the better of you that's all" He had said. I pulled away and waved at them both as they left. Scared to death that I would never see them again.

That was almost a week ago. Haven't been able to sleep for more than an hour or two at the most since then. Luckily, I had been on vacation so it really was okay that I was a walking zombie, but I was grouchy all the same. Finally on New Year's Day, Howie confronted me about my mood.

"What's your problem?" We were sitting in front of the TV watching a parade eating cold Chinese food from the night before. That was my New Year's Eve tradition, Chinese food and a movie. Happily, Howie spent it with me.

"What do you mean?" I asked slurping up some cold Lo Mein.

"You have had an attitude ever since Christmas, it's getting kind of old!" I looked over at him and rolled my eyes.

"See? That is exactly what I am talking about!"

"What?"

"The attitude Nicky, it doesn't fit you well at all"

"Maybe if you would leave me the hell alone, than I wouldn't be so snippy!" I responded, totally defensive and a little whiny.

"Fine You want me to leave you alone? I will. I'm going out. I'll be back when you decide to grow up" He stood up and in a huff he left. I threw my carton of Lo Mein noodles at the wall. They exploded and slowly slid down to the floor. I stood up ready to throw anything else I could get my hands on but something made me stop. The voice I had planted in my head when I was old enough to understand how important it was to condition myself to it. The voice of my father and mother.I thought you didn't want to be like us Nicky. You are heading down our road. Sanity to the left, insanity to the right. You choose. I visualized my sister standing at the right of me waving me on with my Mom and Dad behind her. To my left, Nothing.

I felt tears swelling in my eyes. I was becoming them. Luckily before I made that right turn, Howie walked back in. It was too late for me to clean up the mess I made or wipe my tears. I was caught in the act of being unstable. He came over and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Nicky" He whispered. I didn't turn around. "Please talk to me kiddo, please" He turned me around, then grabbed me in a hug.

"You need to talk to someone. It's not good to hold it inside" I noticed him looking over at the splattered Chinese food on the wall, then his grip became tighter.

"I'm okay D, really. I just haven't been sleeping well that's all" I pulled away from him and wiped my eyes with my shirt sleeve. I started to walk towards the kitchen to get some paper towels to clean up my mess. He followed. I knew he would.

"How long have you had trouble sleeping?" He asked while I was bent down under the sink looking for cleaning supplies.

"EH, not long. I just...hey do you know where the Windex is?"

"Stop trying to change the subject and answer me please"

"Since Christmas" I said more to the sink than to him.

"Really? That's a week Nick. No sleep at all?" I was still under the sink now on a mission to find the damn Windex. "Can you even put Windex on a wall?"

"Nick?"

"Yes, a week and I get some sleep maybe an hour a night"

"That is not enough Nick" I found my Windex finally and moved out from under the sink. I stood up, grabbed the paper towels and walked back into the living room.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Howie asked still following me like a puppy.

"I don't know, too much on my mind I guess" I stood there looking at the mess I created and decided I needed a broom and shovel. I walked back into the kitchen, still having Howie follow me.

"God Nick can you stop for a minute?"

"Can't. I made a mess"

"I know, why Nick?"

"I was mad"

"At?"

"You, me...just everything okay? Can we drop this now?" I pushed past him with the broom and shovel.

"Why don't you just stop and talk about it Nicky?" I finally turned to face him, "Because talking doesn't help Howie"

"It might, do you even try to talk to anyone?"

"No"

"Than try it"

"Howie I'm done with talking about my problems. It doesn't get me anywhere, it just drives people away" There it was. The real problem. Hitting me in the face.

"Drives people away?" He repeated as if to say I got it now. I turned and headed back to the living room.

"Look Howie, I'm done talking about it today okay? I'm sorry I got mad and threw this stuff and I'm sorry I have been pissy lately. Maybe I am bored. Once I go back to school it will get better"

"Isn't that tomorrow?"

"Yes, so tomorrow it will get better" I said as I began to clean the carpet and the walls. He just stood there watching me. I know he didn't want to drop it, but he also knew me. He knew if I was done, I was done.

"I think you should think about therapy Nick" That made me stop in my tracks. The word I have dreaded since childhood, even since before I knew what it meant. Therapy.

"Maybe you should think about it for yourself" I said sounding a bit snippy again.

"I'm IN therapy kiddo, have been ever since Ricky left as a matter of fact"

"I don't need therapy Howie. I am not crazy"

"I never said you were Nick. Do you think I am crazy?"

"Could we just stop?" I pleaded with him. I felt a second wave of tears ready to burst forth and I didn't want him to bare witness to it.

"Okay kiddo, I'm just worried about you that's all"

"I know" I lied.

"If you want to talk about it, come to me okay?" I nodded while still facing the wall and then he left me alone. I finished my cleaning and then went to the park to sit by my tree. The only place I felt safe...

Afterall being crazy was far easier than constantly being confronted by people who said they cared when they really didn't. Right?

There Is a Quiet Place

My first week back to school was not the best. I was still having trouble sleeping and I had been caught more than once dozing of in the middle of Chemistry or English. My teachers threatened me with calls to my father. Ooh I'm shaking in my boots at that one. The truth is, I kind of just stopped caring. I was never a discipline problem. Actually I was always the opposite. I never got in trouble. Ever. But now I found that if I didn't do my homework, or study for a test, who would really care right?

I was about to turn eighteen years old. Technically the only person I would have to answer to, would be myself. Maybe I would quit school all together. It's not like I could actually afford college anyway. I could get a full time job at the restaurant. What did it matter?

I came home form school to find Howie sitting at the table with a note in his hand. I decided it would be best for me to go upstairs, totally avoid him.

"Nick!" He yelled just as I was about to flee. I turned towards him and walked into the kitchen.

"Yeah?"

"We need to talk"

"Not now Howie, I'm kind of tired so.."

"I got an interesting letter from your English teacher. seems like she has been trying to get in touch with me but I haven't been getting the messages"

"Hrmm strange" I said knowing full well it's because I have been erasing the messages, but he knew that too.

"What is going on Nicky? You have never failed anything in English EVER! You didn't turn in a project? That's not like you"

"Maybe I've changed" I said grabbing a soda out of the fridge.

"Nick, you can't afford to blow off school now! Not while you are filling out college applications. They will look at your grades"

"I'm not going to college"

"What?"

"I said I'm not going"

"Yes, you are!"

"Howie, don't be stupid. You and I both know that we don't have the money for me to go to college"

"None of us had the money, we will find away"

"I'm tired I'm going to bed"

"Nick"

"What?" Howie walked over to me, he looked so nervous and concerned. "God, Boo what has gotten into you?"

"Don't call me Boo!" I said turning to run up the stairs.

I ran into my room and slammed the door. Why was I so angry all the time? It baffled me as well. Howie was right, it really wasn't like me to blow a project off. I usually was so anal with them that I would be done at least a week early. I opened up my backpack and threw the contents on the floor. I brought home my History book but never bothered to write down the homework. I would be failing a test in that very soon.

I then rummaged through one of the pockets of my bag and found the note that Kelly had written to me. I wrote to her shortly after the break, begging her to take me back. I missed her. When she returned the note, I got excited, thinking I had a chance. That was before I read it.

Dear Nick,
You need to stop bothering me and move on. Things change, people change. I wish you the best but I am seeing Gary now. We are a better fit for each other.
Take care,
Kelly

I took the note, balled it up in my hands and threw it against the wall. She can have Gary if she wants him, he's a loser anyway!

"NICK!! PHONE!" Howie screamed from the bottom of the steps. I swear I didn't hear the phone ring. I made the mistake of picking it up anyway.

"Hello?"

"Hi" I felt my stomach lurch when I heard Kevin's voice on the other end of the line.

"What's up?" I asked knowing what would come next. Howie that rotten fink told on me.

"I think I am the one who should be asking you that question don't you think?" He asked, tone of voice serious and tense.

"Kevin, I have to go.."

"No Nick, not until you tell me what is going on with you?"

"God! Why is everybody bugging me?"

"Why did you blow off a project? And why are you getting notes home about your behavior and that you are slacking off?"

"What?"

"Your teacher told Howie that you fell asleep in her class more than once"

"I'm tired"

"You need to quit that job!"

"No!"

"I already called Mario and asked him to cut back your hours"

"You did what?" I was fuming now.

"You heard me" He said.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" I hissed at him. I could tell I took him by surprise.

"I am YOUR big brother and what I say goes!" He said after what felt like an endless pause.

"That is bullshit Kevin. I am working as long as I want and YOU can't stop me"

"Nick! What the hell is wrong with you? why are you acting like a child?"

"Shut up"

"Excuse me?" Kevin said slowly like he couldn't believe what he just heard

"I said SHUT UP! Stop trying to act like you care!"

"I do care"

"No, you don't Your just pissed that Howie called you" I said, now ready to throw the phone out the window.

"I'm pissed Howie HAD to call me. You should know better"

"Okay then I won't keep you. Have a good night!"

"Don't you dare hang up this phone on me Nickolas Gene, do you understand me?"

"No, I'm sorry you're breaking up...I can't hear you anymore" I said making a childish crackling sound.

"Oh fine, you can go to hell, I have my own kids to deal with. I don't need any more attitude"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"JERK!" I screamed at him before slamming the phone down. There was a pause before the phone rang again. I refused to answer it. I knew it was him. I wasn't about to apologize. Kelly was right. People change. I changed.

Sure enough, "NICK! PHONE!" I ignored Howie until he called up to me again, "Nick pick up the damn phone!" I picked up and proceeded to hang up again.

He called again! This time Howie never called up to me. I'm sure they were having quite the intense conversation. Let's talk about how unstable Nick has become.

I needed my quiet place. I learned shortly after my mother's death, that I had the ability to shut everyone and everything out of my mind. I called it my quiet place. Nothing bothered me there. That's where I really needed to be today. My quiet place, where I could ease my troubled mind.

I closed my eyes and tried desperately to find peace. No use. My quiet place was gone. Instead I was left with anxiety and a nervous stomach. It was doing flip flops. I didn't want Kevin mad at me. I couldn't afford having him hate me. I stayed up in my room for the entire day. Didn't come down for dinner, didn't even leave to pee. I just wanted to never come out.

"Nick" Howie said standing right outside my door.

"Go away" I whispered. I had my fill of being mean today, now I was wiped out. I heard him standing there for a few minutes then he finally said, "When you're feeling better we need to talk okay?"

"Okay fine whatever" I answered. Then if things couldn't get any worse, "It's about dad"

I sighed, "Okay, tomorrow I have to go to sleep I'm really tired"

"Okay. Goodnight. I love you Boo"

"Don't call me that" I yelled. He walked away

I love you too...

I mean look at my father. He once was so sweet and gentle to his children, now he is a venomous bitter man.

He's baaaack!

I spent another sleepless night tossing and turning wondering why Howie so desperately needed to talk to me about Dad. Maybe he died? I wondered for a brief moment in the middle of the night. I almost got up and asked. No if he did die, then Howie would have told me, he wouldn't have waited until I was feeling better. I know I sounded heartless and evil. How can someone feel that way about their own father? I also knew that deep down inside, maybe that is why Kelly stopped dating me. But to be honest, when it came to dad. There really were NO feelings. He was a stranger. A stranger that felt the need to be mean to me all the time. I had no room in my heart for somebody like that. I'm sure just hearing me utter that sentence would have sent Kelly into an uncomfortable silence. She hated the way my Dad treated me but she hated the way I felt about my dad even more. I didn't even really hate him I guess. The better word would be indifferent.

I felt indifferent towards my father.

I placed my hands behind my head trying to recall stories told to me by my much older siblings. Stories of Dad being an understanding good father. Working for a living happily supporting his family. Kevin had told me a story once that when Dad worked full time, he would come home late from work, bringing home greasy steak hoagies from the 7/11. I used to never even believe him because since when did 7/11 make hoagies anyway? Apparently it was true though. He would wake up the family in the middle of the night and have them all come down and eat greasy steak subs. I guess it wasn't exactly the warmest memory you can conjure up but at least it was a good memory. Maybe if I had just one. My attitude about him would be different. But I didn't and it wasn't.

Indifferent.

The sun was now creeping up slowly. The shadows moving steadily up the wall. School today. My alarm would be ringing any minute. As if on cue, the radio clicked on to some generic pop song. I laid there for a few more minutes singing the song by some gay crappy boy band. Yeah Carter if it is so gay, how come you know all the words? With that thought I crawled out of bed and got dressed all the while singing a song about being lonely. I laughed, how appropriate. Looking at myself in the mirror I ran a brush through my hair and ran down the steps, backpack slung over my shoulder.

Howie was sitting at the kitchen table sipping some coffee and reading the newspaper. He looked like he should be the father of four. Sitting there and waiting for his wife to give him a stack of pancakes while he read the paper. I smiled at him. He looked at me, "Well, glad to see someone's in a slightly better mood" I ran to the fridge and seeing nothing that appealed to me, took out the milk and drank right from the container. "God! Nicky that is so disgusting" I promptly let out a burp and sat down. "Excuse me" I said grabbing a Twinkie from the box on the table. "Twinkies for breakfast. Very nice"

"Hey it's food"

"Oh is that what they call it these days?" He said with a smirk on his face. I stuck my tongue out at him making sure I left my mouth opened so he could see my half chewed cake.

"Gross!" I laughed.

"You know Kevin is pissed at you!" He said taking another sip of coffee. Blowing on it first before gulping.

"I don't give a rats ass! He made me mad"

"He was concerned"

"No he wasn't" I felt my mood turning and so did Howie so the subject was quickly dropped.

"What was it you needed to talk to me about?" I asked pretending as if I didn't think about it all night long.

He looked over at me, staring at me, "How did you sleep last night?"

"About the same, why?"

"Just asking. Don't fall asleep in your classes today okay?"

"D, what about Dad?" I felt like he was trying to change the subject on me. That couldn't be good.

"Nothing. We can talk about it when you get home from school okay?"

"He's not dead? Is he?" Howie's eyes got big, "No Nicky he is not dead. He is fine"

"Okay" I stood up to leave, "Take your lunch kiddo" Howie said as he saw me moving towards the door.

"I buy Howie"

"I packed you a lunch!"

"Aw, thanks" I said going to the fridge and taking out the bag. I peered in it, "What are you doing?" He asked me.

"Looking for love notes. You know a guy can get beat up for things like that!" He laughed.

"Goodbye scram kid! Love notes, you are too funny!" I went over to give him a hug. I could tell when I embraced him he was happy I was in a better mood. I really wasn't but thought I needed to start wearing a mask.

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School was the same. Nothing much to talk about there. I started to get extremely sleepy around fifth period. Struggling with all my might to keep my eyes open. My History teacher called on me a few times. Each time I was unprepared. She asked to speak with me after class, asking me if anything was going on at home. I hated how they tried to pry into my personal life. When they were grouchy, I never asked them if it's because they had a fight with their husbands or wives? Oh Mrs. Hague, what's wrong? didn't get laid last night? I really began to hate school. I was tired of the teachers feigning interest in me but then quick to go against my back and call my brother. Gossiping about my family in the teacher's lounge. The Carters have always been a hot topic of discussion.

Ever since Mom made a scene on one of Melissa's parent teacher nights. They had to call an ambulance for her. Mental breakdown. Poor Mel. Mom screamed and cried so loud that night that all rooms were emptied causing them all to pour into the hallway and stare at her. I'm glad I missed that one.

I yawned and stretched anxiously looking at the clock. Ten more minutes. Thank God. Maybe then I could go home and take a nap. I was that exhausted. I also knew I had to call Mario. See if Kevin really did call him and if he did, convince him that working is MY decision and not my brothers. Finally the bell rang. Time to leave this hell hole for yet another day. I ran to my locker, took out the junk I would need then made my way home.

I wasn't exactly prepared for what I was met with. I unlocked the door to the smell of cigar smoke. It wafted through the entire house. Immediately my heart sank and I knew what my brother had not wanted to tell me that morning. He didn't want to ruin my day.

"Hey! Looks who's home! The dumbass!" I closed the door and slowly turned to meet my father. Standing right next to me, slapping me on the back. "Hey roomie!"

"Dad, what are you doing here?"

"Didn't Howie tell you?"

"No"

"Oh, well I am back"

"For the day? Why?"

"Boy you are slow aren't you?"

"Dad?"

"Forever kiddo. I left that God forsaken hole! I am back at home where I should be"

I was experiencing such a mix of emotions that I thought my head was going to explode. "Where's Howie?" I asked my father. He pointed upstairs, "He's getting my room ready"

I ran up the steps almost tripping over my own feet. There I encountered Howie.

"What the hell is going on?" I asked in a panic. Howie was holding some sheets in his hand.

"Dad got kicked out of his place"

"Kicked out?"

"Yes, he hit someone yesterday so they kicked him out. He had to come here"

"Why? Can't they find him somewhere else to go?"

"They are trying but until then, he has to stay with us"

"Why am I just finding this out now?"

"I tried telling you yesterday"

"This is bullshit!"

"Nick, relax it will only be until they find somewhere else for him to go"

"Hey would one of you assholes bring me my medicine and a soda?" He screamed from the bottom of the steps.

"I can't Howie! I can't deal with him" I said running into my room and once again slamming my door.

This was a nightmare!

I often spent many of my sleepless nights wondering if it was always going to be like this.

Overloaded

I laid in my bed after that grim discovery of Dad back home, and just about puked up my guts. I would just have to stay up here until he left. That's all. I rolled over on my side and picked up my phone dialing Mario. Maybe I could put in some extra hours at work. Kevin couldn't have really called him right?

"But Mario.."

"NO buts Nicky, Kevin was adamant about it. He thinks you work too hard and I am prone to agree with him"

"Kevin can't tell me what to do"

"I'm afraid he can buddy and my hands are tied but you can still work your normal shift Nick" I felt like a child. So embarrassed and violated. How could my brother do that to me? How DARE he do that to me?

"Thanks Mario. I guess I'll see you on Friday"

"I'm sorry kiddo. Don't be mad"

"I'm not mad at you Mario"

"Good, see you in a few days"

After I got off the phone with Mario I decided to call Kevin. I dialed his number and left him a message.

Hi....You've reached Kristin, Kevin and the kids. Leave us a good one!BEEEEEEEP

"Yeah Hi Kevin..it's your brother. Thanks a lot for ruining my life. I really appreciate it! I HATE YOU!!!" Then I slammed the phone down. I mean seriously slammed the phone down. I felt my cheeks flush with heat. I rubbed my face to cool myself down. My stomach was doing flip flops once again. Then, Howie just decided to walk right in, no knocking or anything.

"What the hell are you doing?" I screamed at him, so loud that he actually jumped back.

"I heard something fall and I wanted to make sure everything was okay"

"Well, it's not D okay? So get the hell out of my room!"

"Nick..Jesus, what is going on with you?"

"HEY!!! Didn't anybody hear me up there? I said I wanted a soda" I jumped up and stormed into the hallway. Pointing downstairs I said "That's my problem!"

Howie walked past me and called down to our father. "Dad, there's soda in the fridge, get it yourself"

"But.."

"Either get it yourself or you're waiting" Finally that shut the old man up and Howie turned his attention back on me. I was already feeling guilty. Guilty and stupid.

"Howie I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just that I don't think I can live here with him" Hearing the urgency in my voice made him speak with a softer tone. "Nick, it's only for a little while" I walked back into my room and he followed. We sat on my bed, where I clutched at my stomach. He noticed and grew concerned. "What's wrong?" He asked motioning towards my abdomen.

"Nothing, I just feel a little sick today that's all"

"Stomach virus?"

"No I don't think so, I think it's just a nervous stomach"

"You sure?" I nodded.

"I tried to call work today, you know see if I could maybe work some extra hours. Kevin called and said not to let me"

"I know Nicky, I agreed" I shook my head in disbelief. Why was everybody against me?

"I need to sleep so could you leave please?"

"Nick, it's only 4"

"I know I need my sleep"

"I'll wake you up for dinner"

"Don't bother"

"Nicky"

"Howie, please just leave" I laid down and rolled over on my side. Howie got up to leave, before closing my door he stopped, "Before you go to sleep call J and wish him a Happy Birthday" That's right it was AJ's birthday. I almost forgot. It was only 1 in the afternoon there but I decided to try him anyway.

I dialed him and was happy to hear his voice on the other line. "Yello?"

"Happy Birthday!"

"Nickolas! Thanks man!" I smiled. He sounded like he was drunk but I knew for a fact he didn't do that crap anymore. He was high on life now.

"What are you up to on your day?" I asked him now waking up a little.

"Eh, not too much. Sarah and I are going out for dinner. That's about all"

"Cool!"

"So, what's new with you Scooby Doo?"

"Scooby Doo?" I had to laugh. Alex was in ultra silly mode.

"Yes Scooby Doo. Got a problem with that?"

"No, I guess not. Uh, not too much. J..." I bit my bottom lip. I felt like a child, just about to ask if a friend could spend the night.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot"

"Can I live with you guys?" I closed my eyes as I heard the pause on the other end of the line.

"Nick, why would you ask me that? What's wrong?"

"Dad's living here again"

"He is what?"

"He got kicked out of that stupid group home and I can't stay here with him AJ please?" I was actually crying now. I could tell he was stressing out over my reaction. My pleas were backing him into a corner. I wiped my eyes, "You know what...never mind. It's okay. I didn't mean to ruin your birthday"

"Nick.."

"No, really AJ forget I even asked. I mean it was dumb. I am almost done with school and everything" There was silence.

"Um...look I gotta go, I just wanted to say happy birthday" My voice started to crack, "Give Sarah a kiss from me okay?"

"Nick.."

"Okay bye J" And before he could get anything else out I hung up on him. I sank to the floor and cried. Grabbing for my pillow from above, I pulled it down and balled. That's how I fell asleep because when I woke up, it was 11pm. I was still in that position. But now I had a headache and my stomach was still bothering me.

I ventured out of my room and down the steps for some aspirin. I needed something to eat, maybe that would help. When I got to the base of the steps, I saw Dad just staring blankly ahead at the television screen. He had the sound completely off. At first I thought he was sleeping. I went to go shut it off. "Don't" He said as I was turning the knob. "I like watching the pictures, they help take my mind off of things" I didn't say a word, just backed away from the TV and went in looking for my aspirin.

I was just about to turn to go back upstairs, aspirin in one hand and soda and sandwich in the other when I heard, "Why do you hate me so much?" I didn't look at him, only answered his question with my own, "Why do you hate me?" When neither of us felt the need to continue the conversation I walked up the steps, wanting so bad to hear him say "I don't hate you son, I love you" Maybe he needed to hear the same thing...

I didn't see an end in sight. That among other things had me troubled.

Soda and Cigarettes

I awoke with a huge headache and a totally sour stomach. I briefly thought about not going to school. I could maybe hide in my room and never come out again. I didn't have to see Dad. I would be able to avoid him. I remember when I was little, I would make myself go to school because the alternative was much worse. Staying home with Mom and Dad. In many ways that was harder than just sucking it up and going to school. When I stayed home sick, which wasn't very often, I would still have to do things a child my age should never have had to do, like go to the store to buy my parents cigarettes. That was before they really started to crack down on the whole 18 and over thing. Once when I had the chicken pox, they sent me out to get them soda and cigarettes. That was the staple of my house. Every family has a defining scent or legacy, mine was soda and cigarettes.

My father told us a story once, that his parents, who I have never met thankfully, were so obsessed with soda that they even put it in his baby bottle. By the time he was 25, my dad had lost all of his teeth. He also inherited the smoking gene from his parents. He said they smoked so much that even the rats in Harlem, where he grew up, developed lung cancer. My Mother smoked as much as my dad except for a small period in the 70's when I was told she quit. She quickly started up again in time for my birth. I didn't know how it was that AJ could become a smoker after living in a house with that disgusting smell in the air all the time. I tried it once. I got so sick I puked all night. My stomach lurched at the thought. Bringing me back to my dilemma.

To school or not to school.

I stood up and the cramp in my belly made me decide to wake up Howie to let him know I wasn't going anywhere today. I walked to his door and knocked.

"Dad! Go away, I'll get you breakfast in a little while let me sleep" He sounded very grouchy.

"Howie it's me" I said opening his door.

"What do you want?" He snapped at me.

"Nothing" I said holding my stomach

"Then go the hell away!" He said rolling on his side.

I closed the door, went to my room, got dressed and went to school.

~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~**~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~

By the time I got home, I felt completely miserable. My head hurt only to be matched with the cramps in my stomach. I walked in and without saying a word to anyone, ran up to my room and lied down on the bed. I was just about to fall asleep when Howie walked right into my room AGAIN!

"Hi D"

"I need to ask you something"

"Okay"

"Why the hell would you call AJ and ask him if you can move in with him?" His words cut through the air like a knife. I rolled around to face him. "I was sad okay?"

"NO!" He yelled. That brought me to a sitting up position, "It's not okay Nick. I'm sick of this shit!"

"Howie what are you talking about?"

"I have AJ calling me and telling me that I am this big jerk for having our father live with us, I have Kevin calling me wondering why YOU are calling him saying you hate him! I'm tired of it" He looked so sad and stressed. I felt bad.

"Howie, I'm sorry"

"You are SO selfish sometimes Nick. Can't you see I am doing the best I can?"

I nodded. He sat down next to me, still ranting "I mean, I have to take care of Dad all the time and now, you with your moods and then how dare any of them call me and second guess why I do anything!"

I just sat there listening to him, he needed to get it out of his system.

"I mean it's not like THEY are here helping!" I placed my hand on his back and gently patted it. "It's alright Howie, you do a great job. They have no idea"

"You had to hear AJ. Nicky, he was so mean"

"I'm sorry. It was my fault" He turned to me hurt evident in his eyes, "Yes you're right. It WAS Your fault" He sounded so hateful when he said that, I almost wanted to cry.

"I'll call him and make everything better" It was the least I could do.

"Don't bother, it will just make things worse" He stood up, totally ignoring my hand on his back. He turned to face me, "It's just sometimes Nick, you have to realize that things are the way they are for a reason. All calling AJ did was ruin his birthday and get him and I in a huge fight. All calling Kevin did was make him wonder why I let you become so angry"

"Sorry. I won't do it again I promise"

"Well, I am going to work today. Since Dad has been home I haven't wanted to leave you alone with him but you know what?" I didn't need to answer. It wasn't meant that way so I just listened, "Screw you and him. I am going. If you need to kill each other so be it!" With that he stormed out of my room and slammed the door behind him.

But I'm sick I called after him in a whisper.

I laid back down feeling the tears fall onto my cheeks. I licked them away. The salty taste making my mouth grimace. Howie was completely right. I was selfish. He does so much for us, and I totally take it all for granted. It's not his fault that Dad was here. I decided to call up both AJ and Kevin to make things right. I knew Kev wouldn't be home from school yet which suited me just fine. I left a better message this time. Telling him I was sorry for saying I hated him. Then I called AJ and told him on HIS machine that it wasn't Howie's fault. I apologized for ruining his birthday.

After doing that I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

I was just about to walk back into my room and lie down when Dad's voice called to me from downstairs, "Nick?" I thought about just ignoring him. But that is what Howie would expect me to do, so I answered "Yeah dad?"

"Son, I need some more cigarettes please" I rolled my eyes. I knew I shouldn't have answered him. I walked down stairs where he sat watching the TV on mute again. "You know, you CAN put the sound up on that thing"

"I know that dumbass! I like it quiet though"

"Suit yourself" I said sitting on the couch next to him. He punched me.

"Ow! Damn that hurt Dad" He laughed.

"Oh don't be such a sissy Nick. Be a man" I punched him back He was not amused and swiftly back handed me. "Don't you EVER hit me again" He yelled.

"You told me not to be a sissy" I said.

"I need cigarettes asshole" He said putting his last one in his mouth while talking. I rubbed at the red mark forming on my face, "Nick, it was just a love tap. Grow some muscle kid. Don't go telling your brother that I beat you either" He laughed. His abuse was just a joke to him. He had no concept of the hell he has put me through. No one did.

"Fine, what kind of cigarettes do you want?"

"Any. I'm not picky" He said now focusing once again on the TV screen.

I bundled up and left to go get my Dad his cigarettes. I had to stop the car once and throw up on the side of the road. I figured I'd buy him some soda too, otherwise I would just have to come out again.

The rest of the week, I stayed away from Howie, went to school and pasted a fake smile on my face the entire time. Maybe that was my legacy...

That and the fact that my vocabulary was lacking four little words that I desperatly needed to hear...

I Love You too

My head hurt so bad that I really thought I might pass out. I was in third period. For the last week I had a dull throb aching in my stomach. Like a never ending bout of indigestion. I would occasionally get sick but tried my best to hide it from Howie. After his little blow up, we kind of kept our distance from each other. I figured he needed time to cool off. Today however, I felt totally miserable. I kind of put off going to the nurses office because I didn't want them to bother Howie. But I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't help thinking damn, if this was two weeks later, I could have just signed myself out. Two weeks from now I was legal. Today however, I had to depend on Howie. So I dragged myself to the nurses office where they took my temperature and promptly called home.

"Nick, your brother is coming to get you honey okay?" The nurse said to me while I laid on the bed. I wanted to ask her if he sounded mad. You know so I could gauge how dreadful the rest of my day would be, but decided against it.

"Hi, I'm here to pick up Nick Carter" I heard. The voice was familiar but unexpected completely. I opened my eyes to see the nurse ushering Kevin in to get me. I sat up immediately thinking the worst. "Oh my God, what happened?" I asked him.

He came over and grabbed my backpack from me, "Nothing's wrong Nicky, come on let's go home and get you to bed" He put his hand on my back as we walked out of the building. "So, why are you here if nothing is wrong?" I asked him as he put my stuff in his rental car's trunk.

"Howie needed a break" He said as if he lived right up the street from me. Like he didn't travel from half way across the USA to get here. "A break?"

"Yeah, he's stressed out Nicky. I came up here to give him a break" I rested my head against the window. He needed a break from me?

"Where did he go?" I asked closing my eyes against the feel of the cool window pane.

"He went to Georgia"

"Georgia?"

"Yes"

"To see Brian?

"Yes, he is staying with Bri and Leighanne for a little while. Help him clear his mind"

I was hurt. Howie had to have planned this out. Why not even tell me? "How long will he be gone?" I asked now looking at Kevin. He returned my gaze while reaching out to touch my forehead. "So, you still feeling sick?"

"Yeah a little"

"You still feel like you have a fever. Do you want to go to the doctor?" I shook my head. Doctor's were unnecessary. That is what my parents always said. The truth is they never wanted to spend money on doctors for me anyway. They would go at the drop of a hat but when it came to me, I always was expected to wait it out.

"NO, I'm okay. I don't need a doctor"

"You sure?" He asked giving me that fatherly look that I often envied his daughters for.

"Yeah, all I need is sleep"

"Okay"

"Kev?"

"Yeah buddy?"

"I am sorry for being a jerk!" He smiled, "It's okay Boo. We'll talk about that when you are feeling a bit better"

"Is Howie okay?"

"Sure, why wouldn't he be?"

"He kind of left suddenly don't you think?"

"I told him to go. He needed to get away from his problems for awhile"

"Like me" I said under my breath.

"Pardon?"

"I'm one of his problems"

"Nick, he is just..well he needs his space"

"Do you know if it's okay if I call him?"

"Why? Do you want to tell him that you hate him?" Kevin was making a joke, but I didn't think it was funny. "Aw come on lighten up kiddo. I am only playing with you" He gently tousled my hair. "Boy you are hot aren't you? Maybe I will take you to the doctor's"

"Kevin NO! God it's bad enough you feel the need to control my life by not letting me work, you aren't gonna tell me when to see a freaking doctor!" I closed my eyes. Mostly because I didn't want to see the look of hurt in HIS. I became an expert at hurting my family.

The rest of the car ride was spent in silence. I pretended to fall asleep so he wouldn't try to lecture me. I instead let my mind wander to the breakfast table earlier that morning. I couldn't believe that Howie never said anything to me. He was sitting there at the table, business as usual reading his paper. I guess he looked over at me a few times. He never opened his mouth though. Not even once. It was me who spoke to him,

"You gonna finish your orange juice?" I had asked him. He looked up from his paper and shook his head. I reached over to grab it from him. "Nicky.." I was so thirsty due mostly to a scratchy throat. I chugged down the juice almost in one gulp. "Okay I'm off" I said throwing my backpack over my shoulder. He looked at me, opened his mouth as if to saysomething, then stopped.

Why did he stop? I mean why couldn't he just say, "Listen Nicky I am going out of town for a few days. Be good and I'll miss you"

Maybe that was the problem I was having with this whole thing. Not even so much that he took off in a moment's notice. Or that he went to stay with MY brother. But that he didn't even say I'll miss you or good-bye or anything. Was I really that disposable to him?

"Boo, we're here little man, wake up" Kevin said while gently shaking me. Maybe I had fallen asleep. I opened my eyes as we pulled into the driveway. He took my bag once again as I made my way into the house. "I think I am just going to go upstairs and lie down for a little while. Are the kids here?" I had almost forgotten to ask him that. I was hoping he had brought Kristin and the girls. I missed them.

"Are the girls here?" I repeated. Of course I should have realized the answer was going to be no.

"No kiddo. They have school. They send hugs and kisses and Amber made you a picture" I smiled. "Okay, I'm going to sleep" I said making my way up the steps. By the time I got into my room, I was a walking zombie.

Instead of sleeping like I should have done, I was obsessing about Howie not telling me why or where he was going. I was hurt and angry. Maybe Brian didn't want me to know. Maybe he was afraid that I would try to go with him. He hates me. I sighed. I couldn't believe how upset I was. So I turned on my side, picked up the phone and dialed Brian's number. I knew that if the hose beast answered the phone I was just going to hang up. Maybe even if Brain answered the phone. I wasn't comfortable talking to him anymore. Funny what a punch can do to somebody.

I called anyway, "Hello?" It was Brian. I actually hesitated. Almost hung up on my own flesh and blood. But I didn't "Hi Brian it's me. Nick"

"Oh, hi Nicky" He said sounding nervous. Oh my God he really doesn't want me to call him does he? I wanted to hang up right then and there. "What's up?"

"Nothing much. Can I speak to Howie?" Again more hesitation. I got a little choked up. They didn't want me. They were sorry I had called. So was I.

"You know what Nick, Howie is sleeping right now. I'll tell him you called though okay?" I could picture the scene in my head. I could picture Howie sitting right next to Brian giving him the cut off sign. The I'm not here. Maybe he even mimed himself sleeping so Brian would pick up on it. After I would hang up they would breath a sigh of relief.

"Okay well, he doesn't have to call me back or anything" I knew D didn't want to, so I wasn't going to make him. "Could you just tell him I was worried and that I love him?" Ha! Thought I'd throw that in for guilt. "Sure thing Nicky" There was an awkward pause.

"Okay well, bye then"

"Hey..Don't you love me too or is it just Howie you love?" He asked laughing.

"I love you Brian but you know that"

"Yes I do" We both laughed but I needed to hear him tell me he loved me.

"Okay well have a good night Boo boo and We'll talk to you later"

He never did.

I hung up the phone, pulled the blankets up over my head and cried.

Kevin knocked lightly on the door and opened it a crack. "Nick?" I swallowed my emotions. I didn't want him to know I was crying, "Yeah?"

"I brought your backpack up"

"Thanks"

He came in and sat on my bed, reaching under the covers and feeling my head. "Nicky, I really think you should go to the doctors"

"No"

"If this fever isn't gone by tomorrow You are going. Even if I have to carry you there" I was angry but happy all at once. No one had really ever thought twice about me being sick. It was nice to see someone care. I wanted to pull the covers down to reveal my wet eyes but I didn't. It's funny that he sat there gently rubbing my back totally unaware that I was falling apart right under his protective hand. I guess if I had looked up at him, I would have noticed the tears running from his eyes. Neither of us did though. So we sat in silence. Crying to ourselves, instead of reaching out to each other.

The next morning I did not go to school but found myself in the doctor's office. I had strep throat, nothing big. He prescribed some medicine and told me to take off school for the rest of the week. I had decided to just stay up in my room. It was better than being around Dad who ironically was always on his best behavior when Kevin was around. Howie never called me back, but I did tell Brian that he didn't have to. I was still hoping he would. I was worried about him. Part of me was scared to. Scared to death that he was never going to come back. Kevin once again came into my room.

"Hey buddy how are you feeling?"

"I've been better"

"I know"

"Hey Kev, how long are you staying?"

"Until Saturday" I tried not to look disappointed. Since It was only five days away. "Is Howie coming back on Saturday?"

"Not sure"

"He'll be back by the 28th right?" I asked him. I didn't want to flat out say my birthday.

"I don't know buddy"

"Is he okay? I mean if he isn't I really want to know" Kevin looked at me and smiled. Brushing his hand across my cheek and grabbing my chin in a loving way, he said "Nick, you worry too much. If you keep it up, you're gonna give yourself an ulcer"

"I worry because no one ever tells me anything"

"He is fine okay? And hopefully he will be back by your birthday"

"I don't want to be alone with dad on my birthday Kevin"

"You won't be"

"You promise?"

"Yeah Boo, I promise" He moved his hand up to my hair and moved it away from my eyes. I didn't want him to ever leave.

He got up and as I laid down I had the urge to express my feelings, "I love you Kevin" He turned, a little surprised, "I love you too Nick" He said as he shut off the light. I slept soundly that night. Probably the first time in weeks...

And they weren't "Sure come on over" Either...

No Visitors Allowed

Kevin was great to me for the remainder of his time with dad and I. I was sad to see him go. Sad and anxious. Howie still hadn't called but had told us through Brian, that he would not be coming home for another week. I pressed Kevin about it. Something had to be wrong. Kev just kept insisting that he just needed space. Poor guy was stressed out. I knew it was something more, just tried to deny it.

As for me, by the end of the week, I was feeling much better. My stomach still hurt, it was always twisting but other than that. I was healed. When the day came for Kevin's departure, I was actually shaky. I did not want to be left alone with that horrible man, but I was an adult and as an adult, sometimes you had to do what you had to do. If I kept my distance and he kept his, we would be okay.

I was also a little more anxious than usual because my birthday was right around the corner. Just thinking about it made me shudder so I quickly pushed it out of my mind. It wouldn't be so bad, I had made plans with a group of friends from school. Pizza, movie and whatever else. No home though. That was for damned sure.

Kevin had given me a huge hug and told me to call if I needed anything. I believed him. It was hard for me to believe people who said that. I had given up a long time ago trusting people. You only got hurt in the long run. He gave me a long glance before finally turning to board his plane. I waved and instantly felt alone. Again.

At least I was going out tonight, That would make me feel better. I had left then and made my way back home. I picked up some fast food for dad on my way home from the airport. I figured me and the guys would do dinner out somewhere. I got home to find their cars in my driveway. I closed my eyes in horror.

Visitors at the Carter house, unless family, was taboo. A big no-no. We all learned that early on. Mom was to scared have new people over invading her space and dad was no better. I remember once Melissa attempted to have a party here for her birthday. She invited about 10 girls. Mom acted so crazy that some of the girls actually asked to leave early.

I was just utterly embarrassed by my parents. I hated even being associated with them. If we were out in a public place and I heard whispers about how my Dad looked or my Mom smelled, I would simply just walk faster. Pretend that I was just as appalled as everyone else seemed to be. Truth is I was. Mom and Dad never had bathing as a high priority on their list. Mom smelled so bad by the end of her life that you could smell her from a block away. Howie would joke and say that was the smell of crazy. I didn't think he was kidding though. I KNEW it was the smell of crazy and I was afraid someday that smell would be sprayed on me. On dark rainy nights when I run to the bathroom half asleep I can still smell her. It has become a part of me. Forever embedded in my nostrils.

Dad's hygiene isn't quite as bad as Mom's was. He does shower about once a week. But his hair does tend to look like one big wod of grease. Blonde grease. It's not so much how he looks, although, I would love it if he had teeth, but it's the way he acts, that makes him an embarrassment to me. His biting comments, cut to the core. He offends pretty much anyone he meets. Using the most vulgar racial slurs for people. Calling them idiots, fat, stupid, ugly, you name it and he has said it. Whenever people want to come over, I make up excuses as to why that would be impossible. Dad is sick, or We have termites or Something big and furry escaped a zoo and has come into our house. Anything to keep these people the hell away.

Sometimes it worked, but sometimes it didn't. Guess today was one of those times. I grabbed my father's bag of food and slowly walked inside. There I heard laughter amazingly enough. "Kaos! There you are, we were wondering what happened to you" My good friend Brent said. I smiled and held up the bag of Taco Bell. "Had to bring dad home some grub" I said handing my father the bag. "See, I told you the kid takes his damn time" He grunted as he walked inside. When he was out of ear shot I apologized more out of instinct than anything else. "Sorry"

"For what?" Mark, my other good friend asked, "For whatever he did or said when I was gone"

"He didn't do anything, just telling us stories about you" I was shocked at first. My father telling stories about me. Wow! amazing. "Yeah he was telling us about the time you were 8 and got scared in a haunted house and you shit yourself!" They all laughed. "Actually I was only four"

"Whatever man, that's the best!" Brent said through a smile. "He said Kevin was here"

"Yeah he was. He left today, I brought him to the airport, that's where I was"

"Why did he come?"

"Not sure" I didn't like talking about my personal life. It made me uncomfortable.

"Your dad said he wishes Kevin lived with him instead of you. He's a riot Nick!" Mark said laughing. They only thought he was joking. They had NO idea that he meant every word he said.

For whatever reason, these guys tended to like my father. They never understood why it was I didn't. They thought I was exaggerating. He couldn't be that bad. Lot's of people thought that way. Truth of the matter was, nothing set me off more than someone saying aw, your poor dad, or you are so mean to him. God that really pissed me off. If they only knew. That's why in times when I needed my friends the most, I often pulled away from them. Because they only made the situation worse with their misconceptions of what I was going through. Who could blame them, I mean unless you walked in my shoes, how on earth would you even know what it was like being in my skin.

I did the same with them though. I would go over Brent's house for dinner and see him hug his Mom and dad as they made him the central figure in dinner conversation. Asking him how his day was, what his dreams were. Etc. Then we would go up to his room and he would complain about them. I always wanted to step in to say, "Are you kidding me?" But I never did, because once I left maybe those masks of normality came off. You never knew what people came from. I wished they would do the same for me. Believe me when I said that I would rather live in a cardboard box then be here with my dad. Mark and Brent walked into the kitchen to join my dad, so I had no choice but to follow.

He was eating at the table, leaned over. Grease from his tacos getting all over his chin that I knew he wouldn't wash for at least a week. The smell of onions in the air, again that I knew would linger on his breath forever. He was dripping onto his shirt which was already stained from breakfast earlier that morning. "So Mr. C, any other funny Nick stories?" Mark asked pulling up a chair and sitting next to my dad.

"Of course I do, the boys an ass you know" They laughed. I smiled, looking at the clock. I was hungry but I knew if we stayed much longer my appetite would be lost. As would my desire to go out and enjoy myself.

"There was one time, when he was like 10 or something, he got his hand caught in a revolving door. Remember that jackass?" They looked at me as if they wanted me to finish this charming story, "Yeah I did, but it was when I was 16"

"God Kaos, that makes it even worse!" Brent said.

"Yeah, I guess. I wasn't paying attention. No big deal"

"No big deal?" Dad made sure he asked. "I remember you coming home from school crying like a little girl"

"How can you remember that if you didn't even know how old I was?" He ignored my question and continued with the dreadful story, as my stomach went from hunger pains to nervous churning. "He comes home in tears. I hurt my arm" He mimicked me by holding out his arm. "I got it stuck in the door" He started laughing hysterically. He was laughing so hard that even I had to smile. "Yeah, well guys we should be going" I said once gain looking at the time. "Aw, Man Kaos you are such a party pooper" Mark said, "Yeah Kaos!" Dad agreed. He was totally making fun of my friends right in front of their faces while they cluelessly laughed along. "Well, it was nice talking to you Mr. C and welcome home" Brent said shaking my father's greasy hand. I winced. Mark waved to him and we started for the door.

As we were just about to climb into Mark's car, he changed my plans in an instant, "God Nick, I don't know what your problem is with your Dad. He's a really cool guy!"

Brent was nodding his head, "You know guys" I said, suddenly just wanting to go to bed, "I think I am going to back out"

"Why?"

"Because I'm pretty tired and my stomach has started to hurt. I don't want to hurl all over you dawg" I laughed, holding my stomach. "No, way dude. No hurling allowed in this car. Get out and we'll see you on your birthday Kaos"

"Cool then were still on for that right?"

"Right!"

"Bye guys" I said as I watched them back out of the drive way and speed down the street honking the whole way. Once the car turned the corner, My smile disappeared and I once again walked into my house. Dad was back sitting on his chair staring at the TV. "Your back already?" He asked me as I hung up my jacket. "No, I decided not to go"

"Hmm"

"You could of told them some good stories about me you know" He looked over at me, "Those were the good stories"

"Whatever" I said as I went into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. "Hey Nick, have you heard from Howie?" He asked me as I walked back into the living room, "No"

My dad looked disappointed. "Sorry" I felt the need to say. Sorry you got stuck with me, I know you would rather anyone else, well maybe except for AJ.

"Well, I'm going to bed Dad. Good night" He was entranced watching the television again. No sound just staring at the pictures. I wonder what he was really seeing. I wonder if he was watching scenes of his life. His biggest regrets, his biggest failures. I wonder if he saw me.

With that pleasant thought I made my way back upstairs to eat my sandwich alone.

They were "I love you too" And if there was any day out of the 365, I needed to hear it, it was my birthday. Always needed to but never did...

I Wonder How Old I AM

My darkest days, ever since I was old enough to define what dark meant, have always been my birthdays. Not sure why that was. I mean for most people, it is a day of celebration, of partying, presents and cake. Not for me. My birthday was the one day out of the year, when I couldn't escape being me. And at times I hated being me.

Most of the time, I would spend it asleep, hoping that no one would bother coming to get me for dinner. Hoping that no one would call to lure me out of the house. But then, when that would happen, when my wishes would come true and I would find myself sitting all alone in my room, only my thoughts to keep me company, I would become sad.

I haven't truly figured it out yet. I don't know if I ever will. It's just a sad day. The one day that by all accounts should be mine. So it was no big surprise to wake up with a sense of dread at 6am on my 18th birthday. Luckily it was a Saturday. That was good. At least I wouldn't have to get through an entire day of school. A day that people would idly brush me by without a second thought and then seconds later wish me a happy birthday because one of my more popular friends made the announcement at lunch.

I sat up and sighed. Thanking God it only happened once a year. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't appear any older than I had when I went to bed the night before. The morning would usually be the worst. Getting myself out of bed for the first time. My first contact with humans, would pretty much be the tone for the day. If I was greeted with open friendly arms, maybe It wouldn't be so bad. That was never the case though.

My birthday was always a day of dilemma at the Carter household. I think pretty much everything I have ever loved has died on or around my birthday. With the exception of my sister. The only dog we ever had was hit by a car on my birthday. My grandfather died the day before my birthday and my grandmother died the day after my birthday. Mom died a week before my birthday which led to dad going into the mental hospital ON my birthday. Since then he has made it his own private goal I think to ruin every single one I had. Gee I wonder why I have a problem with January 28th?

I forced myself to go downstairs and get a bowl of cereal. Dad was still sitting there on the couch where I had left him the night before. The Television was on mute. I walked past him wondering if he would even remember that this day had a special significance. He seldom remembered. In fact no one really remembered. I mean I don't blame anybody. I know they have their own lives which I know doesn't really involve me anymore. But even when they lived at home, my brothers would often forget that it was the baby's birthday. Mostly because Dad or Mom were in crisis.

"Have you been up all night?" I asked him. He looked like he had just sat there staring at the damn TV all night long. His eyes red, and his clothes never changed.

"Huh?" He asked, sounding lost and confused. I knew it was coming then. I knew by the end of the day we would be visiting the emergency room. He was hearing voices again. I could tell by how distracted he was. He heard so much more than the words I was speaking.

"I said did you sleep here in this chair all night long?"

"Yeah I did. Why is it morning already?" I nodded. "Yeah you want some breakfast dad?" He didn't answer only went back to staring. And there was my answer. This birthday would suck! I poured myself some cereal and went back upstairs. I seldom ate in the kitchen anymore. What was the point? I mean that room was for families to gather and eat. If there's no family, then what's the fun of eating all alone?

I tried to fall back to sleep. With no luck. The cereal I ate made my stomach upset. It seemed like any little thing I put in my mouth effected my stomach these days. I went over to my window and stared out into the street below. Thoughts of past birthdays flooded my mind. They always did.

I remember my first officially sucky birthday was when I was five. I was in Kindergarten and my Mom who had promised to make cupcakes for the class, never bothered to show up. The teacher and I had hyped it up, the kids were all excited and then she was a no show. When I got home eyes swollen from tears, she was sitting on the couch, the same one my dad was occupying now, and she was watching her soap opera. She said she couldn't leave, she was afraid she would miss something.

Probably one of the worst things about my birthday is that Brent's was two days before mine. The only time I would actually get to eat birthday cake was when his party would fall on my birthday. I would have to sit back and watch him open his presents, while his parents looked on and snapped pictures. He would then travel to his cake. The one his mother had spent all day baking for him, and on my birthday, we would be singing to Brent. No mention of me at all. But why would I be mentioned? It wasn't for me. It never was for me.

The only time I ever got a cake was when I tried to bake one for myself. Howie tried a few times. I give him credit for that. One time we were at the Hope House waiting to admit my dad for a stay when out of the blue he said, "When we get home Nicky, let's make you a birthday cake" That was fun. We used wheat flour instead of white. Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing. It was the worst thing I had ever tasted but the best birthday I ever had. I wonder if Howie will call me today?

My thoughts briefly travelled to my brother. It was really bizarre the way he just left. Maybe today would be the day I would hear from him. But probably not.

The phone rang bringing me out of my thoughts, "Hello?"

"Hey man" It was Brent.

"Hi"

"Happy Birthday!"

"Thanks, you're up early"

"Kaos, what are you talking about it's noon man" I looked over at the clock and was astonished to see he was right. I was so sucked up in my memories that the time just flew by. Maybe the whole day would be like that. "Oh. What's up?" I moved onto the floor.

"Not much just wanted to say happy bday. What time are we going out tonight? I can't stay out too late. My parents are taking me out to dinner. They said you are welcome to join us" I rolled my eyes. There was no way I could handle that. Not today. "Aw,thanks but I think Dad and I might be doing something later" I lied.

"Okay cool, well let's say around 7 then big guy?"

"Sure 7 sounds great" And then we hung up. This was also another bad thing about my birthday, the phone. One year I actually unplugged it. This way when it didn't ring, I would know it was my fault. Whenever the phone rang on my birthday, I always hoped it would be someone wishing me a happy birthday. Vain maybe, but still, expected. I'm not sure who I wanted that to be. Brian maybe, Kelly possibly. Howie definitely.

The phone rang again, I picked it up in anticipation, "Hello?"

"Is this Nick?"

"Yes"

"Nick, Hi this is Sharon, I'm your Dad's social worker. Look he just called me a while ago and threatened to hurt himself"

"He did?"

"Yes, it appears that the voices are telling him to hurt himself today" I rolled my eyes. Did I care what my father's voices were telling him to do?

"Oh" There was a silence on the other line and then a sigh. It sounded like she was annoyed by my reaction.

"I was wondering if maybe you could bring him over to the Hope House. I called them and they said there is a room available" I don't know why I said the next thing I did.

"It's my birthday"

"That is nice" She said forced, like she couldn't care less, "Well do you think you could do that for your father?"

"I kind of have plans" I couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth. Then she summed up what I had been told my whole life. "Sometimes you have to put aside your feelings for your family. Your dad needs help. Let's not be selfish about this"

I hated this woman almost as much as I hated my father.

"Funny he never put aside anything for me" I had to add. She wasn't paid to hear what I had to say, so she kind of brushed off the comment. "I will bring him there"

"Thank you Nick. You are making the right choice. We have to do what is best for your father"

"Nicky" My father's voice sounding shaky called to me from the bottom of the steps. I walked out devoid of any emotion and knew what was coming next. "Yeah dad?"

"Can you bring down a bag for me? I am going to the Hope house"

"I have to pack for you?"

"Nick, I'm sick, please? Don't give me attitude" So I went and packed his stupid bag and we went to the Hope House.

The Hope House is a step above the mental hospital. It's basically a place where you are monitored and have 24 hour support but no white rubber walls. Think of it as a hotel for crazy people. And at 7pm that is where I found myself sitting, instead of being with my friends.

The check in procedure took forever which it always does. Dad had stayed here so many times, that all the staff know him by name. And they all know me too, they look at me with contempt. You know, as the son who doesn't care about his dad. The son who isn't willing to give up his life for his father. Like his poor daughter did. I could see him acting me out in his therapy sessions. It made me nauseous.

I ran to the restroom and threw up. Even surprised myself a little. My stomach was acting up again. It really hurt. I was doubled over taking in huge deep breaths. I really couldn't afford to be sick again. The teachers wouldn't buy it. When I finally felt the nausea pass, I came back out into the main room. There I tracked down one of the staff members. "Excuse me, can you tell me how much longer this is going to take?" She looked at me with disgust, at least that is what I read on her face and she went into the office where Dad, Sharon and the head of the house were. She finally came out after a few more minutes. "Shouldn't be too much longer. They would like to meet with you in a little bit. Can you stick around?" I nodded. I had already canceled my plans with Brent. Now I just wanted to go home and go to bed.

I found my mind traveling into my dark place again. I decided to use the phone and check messages at home. Of course no one had called. I wasn't sure if I should call the guys and tell them about dad or not. I remember once finding my dad lying on the floor on my 16th birthday, he had taken a bottle of pills then. I remember almost wanting to ignore him and walk out the door. Then I remembered. I remembered when he did that to my mother when I was so young. And for just a moment I understood.

How easy it would be for me to walk out the door and never look back. No more Carters ever. A fresh start, somewhere else as someone else. I wonder how many times you are allowed to start over? Maybe I could change my birthday so no one would know what day it was. That way there would be no disappointment.

"Mr. Carter?" I turned to see Sharon waving me into the room. I turned on my heel and walked in. My dad sat off to the side, with Sharon in the middle I was to sit next to her and the lady in charge, who was ironically named Sharon as well sat behind her big cherry wood desk. I think all people in mental health are named Sharon.

"Mr. Carter, your dad feels like you hate him. We were trying to explain to him that you love him and care about him very much?" Why God on my birthday? But I do hate him! He is right about something for the first time in his life!

"Come on dad, you know I don't hate you"

"No, I don't. You never talk to me, or tell me about your life or anything. You hate me"

"John, that is not true. Your son loves you, he wouldn't be here otherwise"

I don't know why but I suddenly felt compelled to let my dad know I loved him. If nothing else so I could go home. "Dad of course I love you. Okay?"

"I feel like one day you are going to leave and then I will have nobody"

"Dad, you have five sons not just me"

"But Howie just left, without saying a thing" Then I realized that's why we were there. Because of Howie. It had nothing to do with me at all. He couldn't give a rats ass if I was here or not.

"So how can we work on making you feel better than?" She asked my father. My feelings weren't important. They never have been.

"I don't know"

"Yes you do" My dad looked at the wall, trying to find words to tell me what I could do to make HIS life better. It was always about making HIS life better. Never mine.

"Maybe he can be nicer to me" Sharon looked over at me, "Would you be willing to do that Nick. Be nice to your father from time to time?"

I let my mind wander, ironically to a song I heard in our school play this year. The musical was Gypsy and the song was called Little Lamb. It was a birthday song. One of the lines of the song was I wonder how old I am. It dawned on me just then, while I was hearing how I needed to be nice to my father and how I was expected to understand his illness. That if birthdays only counted everytime they were celebrated with even the slightest thing like a cake or a hug or a card, even. I would only be about three years old.

The rest of my session with Dad and the therapists just became routine, them explaining the program and the medicine and his illness for the thousandth time. Finally at 9pm I left. I entered my empty house at 9:30 checked to see if there were any messages, when there were none, I walked up the steps and laid in my bed.

I wanted so desperately for someone to call. Maybe jump out of the closet and yell surprise. I thought 18 would be different. Special in some way. It was supposed to be important. But it wasn't. Just another day. I laid in the dark aching. Not only in my stomach, which could very well have been because of hunger, but also in my heart. I figured it out really just then, as the clock struck midnight, That the reason my birthday was so horrible for me was because I was not supposed to be happy. I didn't deserve happiness. People who meant nothing to anyone didn't deserve their own special day. And clearly, laying in my bed in the dark, all by myself, I was one of those insignificant people.

I rolled over to go to sleep when the phone rang. "Hello?"

"Happy Birthday Nicky" It was AJ. I sat up in my bed.

"Hi J"

"I'm glad you were home I thought for sure you'd be out partying" He joked. I wiped my tears away. "Nah, I'm home"

"Cool! Did you have a good birthday?" God how do I answer that one? I wanted to ball, I wanted to scream but I also remember ruining HIS birthday because of my selfishness so I lied. "Yeah, it was great"

"Did you and that hottie do anything?" He meant Kelly, he didn't even know we had broken up. "Yeah we did dinner and a movie"

"Excellent, well remember little bro. If you have sex wear a condom!"

"AJ!" I heard Sarah yell in the background. "What? The kid needs to know these things!" I laughed. The first smile since I woke up this morning. Although it wasn't even technically my birthday anymore. That alone made me feel better.

"Well, listen kiddo. Just wanted to check in. You probably have lot's of people there"

I looked around my bare, dark room, "Yeah the guys and Kelly and I are just about to watch a movie"

"Awesome, I'll let you go then. Take care"

"Bye. I love you J"

"Same to you" He said and then he hung up.

I laid back down and sang happy birthday to myself before dosing off. Maybe 19 would be better...

I would look to my five older siblings for comfort, hoping that they would be the ones to help me out, yet always scared that in the end they would slowly disintegrate just like Mom, Dad and Mel...

Phone calls and Howie

I woke up with a great sense of relief the next day. Relief thinking I had survived yet another birthday and AJ called right? I found myself smiling, thinking about his call to me last night. The others would call today or in the next few days, with excuses. The sorry I forgots or the I tried calling but the line was busy. That one was always my favorite. The blatant lie!

I shot down the stairs and for some reason decided to slide down the bannister, why not? No one was there to stop me. I slide all the way down jumping off and headed for the kitchen. As I opened my cereal box, the phone rang.

"Hello"

"Hey Birthday boy!"

"Hi Kevin and thanks but you're a day late"

"I know, I'm really sorry but, I figured you were out partying all day. I wanted to catch you home" That was a new one.

"Well, you got me home" I couldn't believe my mood. I was downright happy. If my birthday was the worst day of the year, the day after was the best. Such a beautiful release of tension.

"I'm glad, so how does it feel to be an old man?"

"Don't know maybe I should ask you!"

"Hey!" He laughed.

"So how's the family?" I asked him

"They're good. So dad didn't bother you too much yesterday right?" That's when I remembered that I never told them he was in the Hope House. Now I had two choices, either tell them or not. Maybe if I told Kevin he would drop everything and come up again. Doubtful but maybe. Or maybe he would get too stressed and stop calling all together. Both has happened before.

"Hello? Earth to Nick come in Nick!"

"Oh..sorry just thinking, um dad is in the Hope House" There was a pause on he other end.

"Did he try to hurt himself?"

"No. Only threatened"

"Damn! Yesterday?"

"Yes"

"Oh Nicky I'm sorry he ruined your birthday!"

"It's okay"

"Have you heard from Howie?" I found myself asking. There was another awkward pause, "Uh..no I haven't"

"Oh okay. I am worried about him. He never called my yesterday and I doubt he would have forgotten"

"Nicky, I'm sure he didn't forget your birthday, he is just trying to work some things out. Did Brian and AJ remember?" Now I found this a rather suspicious question since Howie was supposed to be staying with Brian.

"Well, AJ called near midnight I think but no Brian" but he would realize that when I said Howie never called.

"Oh"

"Isn't Howie staying with Brian?" more silence. Now I was concerned.

"God Kevin, if something is wrong please tell me okay?"

"Nothing is wrong" He was lying.

"Okay"

"Well kiddo I have to go! Hope 18 is the best for you! I love you" I smiled.

"I love you too brother"

When we hung up I sat there over my bowl of Honey Combs wondering what on earth was going on with D. It was so unlike him to just up and leave without even a warning. Leaving me home with dad. Then he doesn't call me on my birthday. I'm not saying that he always remembers. He sometimes doesn't, but he would at least have called me around the time AJ did or sent me a card or something. If I wanted answers I would have to call Brian. I didn't want to though. Maybe it was best to be totally unaware of what was going on. I knew in my heart the news probably wouldn't be good but my curiosity and concern about my big brother, prompted me to give Brian a call. I sat in the living room and dialed. I actually hung up before pressing the final number of Brian's house. A feeling of dread came over me, followed by sharp pains in my stomach. It seemed like any food upset my belly these days. ¨

I sat there holding my stomach with both hands and taking deep breaths. I didn't want to be sick. I was going to let the feeling pass. After a while it did. The cramps subsided and I was able to relax again. I held the phone in my hands once more and this time I went ahead and dialed.

"Hello" Ick Leighanne answered the phone. I almost hung up. Almost.

"Hi Leighanne can I speak to my brother?"

"Sure hang on a second" It was a chilly little conversation between the two of us. You could tell there was no love felt on either end of the line. Probably my fault by she had it coming I guess. There was some whispering as there always is when Leigh is involved, and then Brian finally came to the phone.

"Hey Buddy what's up?"

"Hi Brian. Nothing much..I was just wondering if I could maybe talk to Howie" Big surprise that there was a pause. He's trying to think of an excuse I thought to myself as I patiently waited for a reply.

"Um..Boo he's not here"

"Where is he then?"

"He's out"

"Where?"

"Just out okay?" He sounded nervous, like he expected me to read between the lines.

"Brian is he okay? I mean I haven't heard from him since he left. Is he mad at me or something? Is he coming back?" I sounded like a five year old. Sometimes I hated how needy I was.

"Nick, he's okay and he doesn't hate you. He's just having."

"I know he's having problems dealing with Ricky but still Bri, I haven't heard from him at all"

"I'll make sure he calls you today okay?"

"Really?"

"Yes. I promise" I felt better. That meant that he didn't disappear off the face of the Earth. Not yet anyway.

"Okay thanks a lot Brian" I was waiting for a Happy Birthday but it never came. He rushed me off the phone. I hung up feeling blue. So much for happiness. Thanks Brian!

But now I found my thoughts going back to Howie. What was the deal with him? I hope he really didn't head up to see Ricky. Nothing good can come out of that one. I was sure that that is what he did. He ran back to her. If she hurts him again I'll...

My thoughts were once again interrupted by the phone.

"Hello?"

"Nickolas hello this is Sandy, your dad's case manager" Oh great!

"Yeah hi"

"We were wondering if you planned on coming to see him today"

"I wasn't really planning on it, since we spent some quality time together yesterday" I made sure I stressed the word quality to sound as sarcastic as possible.

"Oh" Of course there was that familiar sound of disappointment in her voice.

"It's just that your dad was hoping so much that you could come and visit him. He really loves you very much" I rolled my eyes. This was the worst part for me, when he went into places like this. They had a way of making you feel like your world should revolve around the nut job! He doesn't love me. The man is not capable of loving anybody. I don't even think he likes himself to be honest.

"I would but I have had these plans for a while now. I had to cancel yesterday because of me having to take him there in the first place"

"Aw Nick, just if even for a few minutes, hey I have an idea" Oh goodie can't wait to hear this one. "And what would that be?" I asked again sounding very sarcastic. I hated her to death. If it was possible to hate someone to death.

"How about you hang up with me and then give your dad a quick phone call?" Oo what a brilliant idea. Did you think of that one yourself bitch?

"Yeah sure whatever"

"Excellent thanks Nickolas" So we hung up the phone and I stood there shaking my head and once again dialed the crazy number.

"Hello?"

"Hi may I please speak to John Carter?" There was a pause.

"Uh I have a baby" I rolled my eyes.

"That is great. Can I speak to John please?"

"I have a baby he is a pigeon" I hate crazy people I hate crazy people.

"Yeah that's great and all but I really just want to speak to John"

"John!!!" He screamed into the home. I could here groaning and shuffling. Yo my dad was coming.

"Yeah what is it?" He asked in his very friendly affable way.

"Hi dad it's me Nick"

"I know who you are asshole! Hi dad it's me Nick. Jesus Christ kid!" He mocked. I was ready to hang up. Yes Sandy what a great idea this was!

"I was just calling to see how you were"

"I'd be a lot better if you could maybe come by with some cigarettes and a few dollars" He really had his social workers fooled. All he cared about was money. He needed me to be a delivery boy nothing more.

"I can't really stop by today dad. Maybe tomorrow though"

"Aw why not?"

"I have things to do"

"Please Nick?"

"I can maybe just come by and drop off a pack of cigarettes would that work?"

"Yes of course excellent thank you"

"Uh huh"

"Well I need to go now. I'll be by later on"

"Okay bye now" He said and then hung up. I stood there with phone in hand, laughing at how someone who was paid top help people could be so stupid. How could she actually think he cared about me Unbelievable.

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~

The rest of my day went smoothly. After hanging up with my dad, I relaxed and watched some TV, then finally went and brought him his things. I didn't even stop in, just handed the smokes to the front desk. I stopped for some fast food on my way home and was just about to start eating when the phone rang again.

"Hello?"

"Nicky?" The voice I had really needed to hear.

"Hey D! How are you? I was worried"

"I know, I'm sorry. Happy Birthday. I'm really sorry I didn't call you yesterday"

"That's okay, I thought you were mad at me or something"

"No, it's nothing like that" He paused. I could tell there was bad news coming.

"I've been kind of in a place"

"What kind of place?"

"I, it's never mind. So how was your birthday?" My heart sank. I could have very easily let him change the subject but not this time, "D, please tell me what's wrong? Are you okay? Is it your health?"

"Oh Nicky I am fine. Totally healthy, I just had a little breakdown that's all" I gasped and felt my stomach knotting up.

"A breakdown?" This can't be happening again. No not again!

"Yeah it's just that..after Ricky it all got to be a bit much for me"

"Oh God Howie, I'm sorry. I should have never.."

"No, it's not your fault Nicky okay? It's mine. I kept things bottled up inside for too long"

"I had no idea, why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to worry"

"Am I the only one who didn't know?"

"Yes. Nicky you had too much to worry about" I almost hung up on him.

"Are you going to be alright?" I sounded defeated. I felt defeated.

"I have been staying at a little place. Kind of like that Hope House place that dad usually goes to. It's nice and it has given me time to think and relax" He was in the same type of place dad was in. Crazy dad.

"Are you there now? Or are you at Brian's?"

"I am still here. I will be for a few more days, then I will be home"

"Okay" I was trying not to sound sad but I couldn't help it. I felt like everything was against us. Fate didn't want us to be a happy normal family.

"How has dad been Nicky? the guys won't tell me" I wanted to cry into the phone. He is crazy! As a matter of fact I spent my birthday in the Hope House with him. A place where only really crazy people go! you know like you! Instead I took a deep breath and bottled it up.

"He is fine"

"Does he want to talk to me?"

< "Howie does he ever want to talk to anybody?" He laughed.

"No, I suppose your right"

"I am right, now get better and get your butt home as soon a possible. I miss you"

"I miss you too Nicky. Sorry I left so abruptly I didn't want to but Brian and Kevin thought it was the best idea"

"That's okay. Howie I love you"

"I love you too! And I'll be home soon"

"Bye"

I sat there holding the phone in my hand and cried. I couldn't believe it. Howie was insane. Howie who by all accounts was the most together of us all. How could this happen? I thought for awhile before reaching the only logical conclusion. Of course I know why it happened, it's my fault!

I threw out my uneaten meal and went upstairs to bed.

At around midnight and I was already sleeping when the phone rang again. Now not only did I fear that call in the middle of the night about dad. But now Howie too. You know the call saying they ended it all. I had gotten that call one to many times for my liking and now always grew uneasy at the sound of the phone at midnight.

"Hello?"

"Boo?"

"Oh my God Brian is Howie dead?"

"No! God how can you say something like that?" He paused ,"Never mind. I know how you could say something like that. No, Howie is fine. I didn't mean to make you worry"

"What's going on then?" I sat up straight in my bed as if I was suddenly jolted by electricity.

"Howie said you sounded sad. I just wanted to check up on you that's all. How's dad? Is he giving you a hard time?"

"Dad is in the Hope House"

"He is? When did that happen?"

"Yesterday! My birthday he threatened to kill himself"

"Why the heck didn't you call one of us?"

"Like you should talk!"

"Nick don't"

"I won't"

"Are you hanging in there?" He asked me, after I could tell he composed himself.

"Yeah I am strong Brian. I will manage"

"I know you are Boo. I just know that's rough especially when you have a jerk for a brother who doesn't even call you on your birthday"

"Yeah, I do have a JERK for a brother"

"Hey!"

"But I will manage. Don't worry about me. I will be just fine"

"Call me whenever you need to okay Boo? please"

"I will"

Then we hung up. I closed my eyes saying the words out loud, hoping if I verbalized them, I would make them true.

Don't worry about me, I will be just fine.

Too bad I didn't know how wrong I was.

So I stopped depending on them and started to just keep it all inside.

Happy Places

After getting off the phone with Brian, I made the decision to just look away from all that stuff. All the pain and grief. Why bother worrying about it. It wouldn't do me any good. Yeah that sounded good but I knew it wasn't the case. The truth is for the next few days, all I could do was think about Howie. He was so strong. True you couldn't really tell by his appearance but behind that tiny little frame lied an ox. Someone who had the heart of gold but a steel spirit. I thought he would never go down. Yup him going mental had me realizing that I was next. I had too many cards stacked against me.

He called me a couple of times before he was to leave the place and head on home. That was this Tuesday. Almost three days ago. He unfortunately decided he needed a little more time. Brian and I thought it was best not to tell Howie about dad being in the Hope House. I agreed. I wish I didn't know. Ignorance was bliss. If that was really the case than AJ was the happiest guy on Earth! I think he was blissfully unaware of anything going on. He liked it that way.

I'm not sure when I kind of adopted my new bottle everything up inside plan. Maybe it was on my birthday, maybe it was when I found out about Howie, part of me thinks it was always there in place, without my knowledge. But I really did make an educated choice not to let on how unhappy I was anymore. No more complaining, no more crying and no more pity. Self pity or anyone feeling sorry for me. All gone.

If someone asked me how things were I said fine. If someone said how's dad, I would say groovy. I walked down the halls of school with a huge smile on my face. I laughed and joked with people and I tried to forget. Forgetting was good. It seemed to be working anyway. Especially at school. Friends who had shied away from me last year after Mel's death were slowly starting to talk to me again. Even Kelly would smile at me when we passed in the halls. In the matter of one week and one small change, I was getting my life back.¨

Inside I was falling apart though. And I felt bad. Not only mentally but physically. The pains I had in my stomach that I had first chalked up to hunger, than nerves had only worsened making me think it was something bigger. I dare not tell anybody though. Even though I wanted to. Desperately. I kept it in.

I kept it in also when they finally let dad come home. I was hoping that Howie would have been back by then, but no such luck. So Friday came and I was off to pick up dad from the crazy place. Of course with a huge smile on my face.

"Ready to go dad?"

"Yeah just give me a second" He scowled at me. I grabbed his bags and placed them in my trunk. I decided to hum while I waited. Bad thoughts can't seep through when you have silly songs in your head. I found myself humming a tune from a movie "All That Jazz"

My father climbed into the car and looked at me suspiciously, "Are you on drugs?" He asked. I laughed. "No dad why?"z

"You are acting like a fool that's why"

"Oh! Nope no drugs just high on life I guess"

"Oh God your a friggin idiot!" I looked at him and smiled. Then drove him home.

We got in and after lugging his bags in the house I went and turned on the TV for him, pressing mute just the way he liked it and hopped up the steps. When I got all the way up I actually had to sit down for a minute. The pain was so intense. I laid there on the steps just waiting for it to subside. Almost yelling out for help. A few deep breaths later, the pain went away.

Maybe I would just stay in this weekend. Relax and stay in bed. But Kelly had wanted to go out and do something. For the first time since we broke up. She came up to me and winked before slipping me a note during study telling me we should do a movie or something. Would I really be that stupid to cancel on her? The next round of pain in my stomach was the answer I needed. I called and canceled.

I had this pain for over a month now. Maybe more. It seemed to be getting worse and worse. I even thought about calling a doctor. It felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach. That's how intense the pain was. I would have to scream into my pillow until it subsided. Which it always did. I figured as long as the pain eventually went away, there was nothing to worry about. Which was fine until mid Saturday afternoon.

By then the pain was intense and not so quick to subside. I went downstairs. Bent over. Dad was still sitting there watching the television on mute. He watched me as I walked by hunched over.

"Where have you been? Did you just wake up?"

"No, I've been up for awhile" I was searching for aspirin or anything I could take to knock myself out. "What's wrong with you? Why are you walking like an old man?" I really didn't need this right now.

"I'm just not feeling well. Do we have any aspirin?"

"Don't think you're getting out of school! Because you aren't"

"Dad, please. Just leave me alone okay?" He watched me as I continued to look for something to take. I smiled when I found some really old Nyquil. I know it wasn't a cold but it would knock me the hell out. That's all the mattered. I drank it like it was iced tea and made my way back upstairs.

"What are we having for dinner?" He asked me as I walked up the steps very slowly.

"You are on your own dad"

"You're not eating? You usually eat like a God damned pig!"

"Not tonight" Dad watched until I was all the way up.

I made it to my room when I had the urge to vomit. I didn't have the strength to make it to the bathroom so I had to settle for my garbage can. I don't even know what it was that came up considering I had an empty stomach, well besides the Nyquil I had just guzzled. It was brown and looked like coffee. I didn't drink any coffee so I had no clue. I crawled into bed and huddled under the covers in a ball. I suddenly felt very cold. Finally I feel asleep.

I awoke with a start at around 3am on Sunday morning. My dad was sitting on my bed next to me. Just about gave me a heart attack.

"Dad? What's wrong?" He looked normal from his silhouette. He also looked worried.

"Nothing, I..just was wondering if you had a lighter for me"

"What? A lighter?"

"Yes, I need one. Maybe some matches?" I rolled over on my side wincing in pain. "Sorry dad, I don't smoke remember?"

"That's right you are just a pansy ass. I forgot!"

"God please go away!" I felt the bed go up slightly when he stood up to leave. He placed his hand on my forehead. "What are you doing?"

"Just using your head to help me up" I closed my eyes willing him to go away. Then I finally got my wish. He left me alone and once again I fell into a restless sleep.

By Sunday afternoon the pain was too intense for me. I has thrown up three more times in the course of the day. It was getting harder and harder to move. I felt dizzy and weak. It actually scared me. I would have thought it was a stomach virus if it weren't for the pain. By dinner time it was so intense I found myself crying. What was worse was my need to vomit once again. I was so weak that I had to roll out of bed and crawl over to the garbage can. I barely got there I time, when I was done the room started to spin and I fell asleep.

I'm not sure how long I was out for but I knew I needed help. And I needed it bad! Unfortunately dad was the only person I could call on. If I had the strength I would have just gotten into the car and driven myself to the emergency room. I knew that was where I needed to go. But I was just in too much pain, so finally at around 7:30pm I yelled for help. I was still laying on the floor because I couldn't make it to my bed.

"Dad!" I was scared by the weakness of my own voice. It was barely a whisper even though I felt like I was shouting with all my might. I tried again "DAADDY" I called him daddy. Something I would look back on and laugh about. No laughing now though. Only distress. I heard him bounding up the steps but he slowed his pace when he entered my room.

"Why are you laying on the floor?" He shouted at me. I tried to answer but I couldn't, I was too weak. He walked closer and bent down, "Son, what is wrong with you?" I looked up at him and that is when he lost it. Any trace of calmness left his face. He turned and grabbed the phone knocking it to the floor. His hands were shaky as he tried to dial "What the fuck is your brother's number? Nick God dammit tell me his number!" I tried to gurgle out a number but I couldn't.

He sat on the bed and dialed frantically. I heard the ringing on the other end which meant my dad accidentally hit the speaker phone. Probably happened when it fell on the floor.

"Hello?" I recognized Brian's voice.

"Brian!"

"Dad?" He sound horrified and nervous "God dad are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Nick!"

"What about Nick?" Panic intensified in his voice.

"He is hurt, he;s sick and bleeding on the floor" I was bleeding on the floor? No, that wasn't right.

"Oh my God, dad what did you do to him. Oh God let me talk to him"

"I didn't do anything but God Brian he needs help. There is too much blood in the garbage can. I think he is vomiting up blood!" Dad was near crying but I was confused. Why was he making up stories?

"Dad let me talk to him" He out the phone by my ear.

"Nick are you there? Nicky?" Brian sounded frantic.

"I...hhh.uur.t" Was about all I could say.

"Nick, Jesus please! Nick!!" Dad grabbed the phone away.

"What should I do?" He cried into the phone at Brian.

"Stay with him. I will call an ambulance for you and then book a flight out there okay dad? Just stay with him"

"Okay I will" Dad was rocking and crying at this point.

"Nicky I am coming Boo, hang on" I heard that as I fell into another restless sleep...

Until I couldn't anymore. When my bottled up feelings and emotions made me physically ill, it was a turning point in my life...

The Waiting Place

We just wait here Nicky. That is all we do. Wait for a big break or a better opportunity. Wait for a second chance to tell the people who mean so much to us, that we love them. I love you!

My sister's voice echoed through my mind, like a vivid dream. She was there right next to me holding my hand. Telling me she loved me. That everything would be all right. Had to be all right. I heard her as she sat next to me, felt her warm hands embracing my own. Pulling it up to her mouth and kissing it. The touch of someone who loved and cared about me.

I know something horrible happened to me, I could tell by the roar of the sirens on the way to the hospital and the urgent tone in my brother's voice as he told me to hold on. After that, It all became a blur. A blissful blur. Somewhere between here and forever. My father's voice now came into my head. His hands enveloping mine. Replacing my sister's kind and gentle grasp with the hands of an older person.

"You are going to be okay son. You have to be okay. God won't take you away from me. He already took your sister and your mother. He won't take my baby. No way!!"

Now I knew I was dreaming. My father's concern was the only evidence I needed. Had I called out to him? I couldn't remember. It all seemed like so long ago. Maybe it was only minutes. Maybe it has been days. Whatever it was, I liked it. Melissa told me in my dreams that it was the waiting place. She said she lives there now. It seemed like a dull place to be, even in a dream not much exciting happened there.

"How is he dad? Has he woken up yet?"

"His eyelids are fluttering but he hasn't opened those eyes. Open your eyes son. For daddy"

Melissa squeezed my hand now. Tighter than before. She is always there for me. My sister. Whenever I have needed her. Holding my hand as always.

"Hey, any change in him?"

"No"

"Kevin called said he should be here soon. He's at the airport"

Was that Howie? That sounded like Howie. Melissa grabbed my hand tighter and smiled at me. Even though I couldn't see her smile, I felt it.

"Should I go pick him up?"

"No Brian, stay here with Nicky, he needs you"

"He needs you too Howie"

"Well then Kevin can call a cab"

He touched my forehead. His hands were so cold. He must have been outside. I missed Howie. Was he gone though? Why was I missing him? Then I felt a warm kiss on the top of my head. He has been here all along. He wouldn't have gone anywhere.

"What about AJ?"

"He is on his way. He and Sarah took the first plane they could out here"

"Good. Hear that Nicky AJ is coming to"

I heard Melissa humming. God how she loved to sing. When I was little she would hold me in her lap, and sing me to sleep. What was that song you always used to sing Mel?


Where are you going..little one. Little one Where are you going my brother my own turn around and you're two, turn around and you're four turn around and your a young man walking out of the door...


That was the one. So calm and soothing. Her voice made me feel so good. Like I was bathed in love.

"Kevin calm down don't raise your voice"

"Don't tell me to calm down Brian, where is he..Oh my God"

"He will be fine"

"He doesn't look fine"

"NO he doesn't, but he will be fine. He has to be"

"What did the doctors say?"

"It's a bleeding ulcer"

"I know that but why? Isn't he too young for one?"

"Kevin you have to lower your voice. You will upset him. The doctor said he can hear every word we say"

Kevin used to sing me that song to. He held me on his lap when he thought no one was looking and would sing to me and tickle my neck. I hate when people do that. It's all his fault.

"Hey little guy, can you hear me? It's Kevin. Open your eyes for me buddy"

Of course I can hear you Kevin. Didn't you listen to what Brian said. I can hear every word but then again why wouldn't I be able to. What an odd dream.

"What can cause something like this?"

"There's lot's of things. The doctor was saying it had a lot to do with stress"

"Did we do this to him?"

"Stop talking nonsense Kevin, no one is to blame"

Mel always said that. No one is to blame. Said? I meant says that. I would come home from school and complain about things. Teachers, projects and such. She would listen always with a concerned look on her face. Like what I was saying was the most important thing she has ever heard. Then after my ranting she would say no one is to blame. Maybe that was her, although it sounded a bit like Howie.

"He looks so young"

"He is so young Brian"

"I know but lying there hooked up to all those machines, he looks like a child"

Don't cry Brian. I hate it when he cries. He is so emotional. He is the only guy I know that cried like an idiot at the end of ET. I was terrified of that creature. Still to this day when I watch it, I cringe when he says ET phone home. He was crying so much he hyperventilated. What a wussy. The worst part is when he cried I cried. Never so he could see but always off to the side.

"You have to be okay Boo! Please open your eyes"

"Why isn't he okay? I thought bleeding ulcers weren't all that dangerous"

"When they bleed they are always dangerous. He lost a lot of blood before he finally called for help. The doctors are concerned"

I felt the tickle of a tear fall onto my hand. That must be the hand that Brian is holding. His hands are so soft and gentle. He will make a great daddy someday. He has that kind loving touch of a father. I wish he was my father.

"We've all donated blood. You can too you know"

"I will, where do I go?"

"Here Kev, I'll show you"

"Thanks Howie. I'll be back Nicky"

Don't leave me Brian. I hate it when you leave me. The feel of his hand still firmly planted in mine made me relax. When I wake up let's play basketball. Just like the old days.

He can't hear you Nicky. But he would love to play basketball with you. He really loves you. I hope you know that. We all really love you. Don't let yourself feel as alone as you do. It's not making you well. Dad and Mom love you to, in their own special way. He is worried sick about you.

Melissa had a way about her. Making everyone feel special. I did it again. She HAS a way about her. That is why we all love her so much. Maybe if she says it, I might believe her. But then why does everyone leave me? If they care so much? Why do they go away? Why did you go away?

They are here now. So am I. Focus on that every once and awhile. Don't wonder why they leave, wonder why they come back. And Nicky they ALWAYS come back. They come back for you.

But you didn't come back. I have always thought you would never leave me Mel, but you did. Didn't you?

I'm right here baby. I always will be. Don't block me out. I live in your heart. My spirit and yours are the same. I am dead baby, but you have to live. For the both if us.

Melissa is dead? NO. I would remember something like that. I want this horrible dream to end. This is not a nice place to be anymore. The waiting place. But then again, haven't I been here my whole life?

"Nicky, I hope you can hear me. I'm so sorry for being such a jerk to you. Please, if you open your eyes, it will all be different. I promise"

"Don't make promises you can't keep son"

"Dad, stay out of this"

"No, Brian, you aren't going to move back here and hold the boys hand. You can't let him think you will. That's not how the world works. No..once he gets better, you will leave again and only call on holidays"

Dad was right. Brian did only call on holidays. That's why I missed him so much, because he WAS gone.

"Why do you always have to be so cruel?"

"Because that's the way the world works"

Brian's grip on my hand loosened a bit. But he was still there. I felt the warmth of his breath as he bent down to whisper in my ear. He had been sucking on a spearmint Certs. He is addicted to those things.

"Don't believe him. I'm not going anywhere"

I won't believe him Brian, I believe you. Always.

"I think I am going to call a cab for dad, Leigh is at home dad so she will keep you company"

"Oh not that one again! Okay well at least she can cook"

"She feels the same about you dad"

I heard her approach and then I felt a kiss on my cheek. A hand was moving my hair away from my face. Lovingly and gentle.

"I love you son"

Was whispered in a barely audible voice. Then it was gone. I thought she had left me again, but her humming made me realize she was right there. But why did she call me son?


Turn around and your two turn around and your four turn around and your a father with babes of your own


You need to leave the waiting place now Nicky. This is not where you belong anymore.

She was right. I needed so much more. If I spent my whole life just waiting for things to get better they never will. I had to change them. Make them better.

There are no seasons here either, have you noticed? It always feels like winter. Dark cold and dismal. Sometimes you just need a change.

I felt her eyes on me. I couldn't see her, but I felt her. The slight twinkle under her left eye. Usually followed by a wink. Howie always did the same thing.

"Things have to change you guys know that right?"

"Yes we know that Kevin"

"Because this can't happen again"

"We know that too"

"The doctor recommended therapy for him"

"Really? I think it's a good idea. He needs to talk about his problems"

"It helped me"

"Then it will help him"

Maybe they are right. Maybe I do need therapy. I always thought it would make me a crazy person, but maybe it wouldn't. What do you think Mel? Mel?

We just wait here Nicky. That is all we do. Wait for a big break or a better opportunity. Wait for a second chance to tell the people who mean so much to us, that we love them.

Don't wait anymore! And I love you!

Then just like that she was gone. Only a memory. That's all she was. But she was more than a memory, she was my sister and I loved her and missed her very much.

"His eyelids are fluttering again. I think he's trying to wake up"

Yes, I am trying Howie I promise.

"Come on kiddo, open those baby blues okay? For me?"

I saw a blur as my eyes slowly opened. It was the rest of my life and it was all beginning to come into focus for me...

It made me stop for a moment and reexamine where I have been and where I am going...

Healing

I had trouble opening my eyes at first. I was so weak that it physically hurt to even move them. It felt like they weighed a ton. I tried my hardest though. As I started to wake more into the reality of what had happened, I also started to realize the amount of pain I was in. I hurt all over. I had never felt pain like this, ever. I groaned and instantly felt Howie's grip on my hand tighten and the soft patter of footsteps make their way to the bed that I was laying in.

"Come on, baby, that's it... that's it"

"He's waking up" Yup clearly that was Howie's voice. I'm glad to know he wasn't just a dream.

Then I felt my other hand in someone's embrace. I turned my head toward the squeeze and finally opened my eyes to see Brian staring back at me. He was sitting at first but when I tried to speak he moved quickly to a standing position right next to me.

"Don't speak" He said as if he was reading my mind. Then he turned to someone, probably Kevin who had disappeared from my view, "Go get a doctor and tell them he has woken up"

Brian turned his attention back towards me and warmly patted my sweaty hair and kissed me on the forehead. "You're going to be just fine Boo. Welcome back" I wanted to turn towards Howie but my head was just a little too weak. I felt his hand in my own, so I gripped it as tight as I could. I wanted him to know I knew he was there. That I knew he had always been there and always will be there. For now he would have to read that all in the gentle squeeze.

Shortly after waking, Kevin came back into the room with a doctor. He poked and prodded me and shined a light in my eyes. "Welcome back to the land of the living Mr. Carter. We missed you" He said pulling away from me and checking my chart. Once again I tried to speak, "No, don't try to say anything, you have had a tube down your throat to help you breath, so your throat will feel itchy and irritated for awhile. Also you need to rest everything. That includes your voice" I wanted to know what happened to me. I had a feeling from hearing my brothers talk that I had surgery for something. All I wanted to do was ask.

"Amm..I" Wow, the doctor was right, I couldn't say anymore. It felt like the worst sore throat in the world had hit me. I winced at the pain and dryness. Now all I really wanted was some water.

"Didn't you just hear what the doctor said?" Kevin asked me, even though I was lying in a hospital bed, he still found time to scald me. I nodded. The doctor walked over to me, "You have an ulcer Nick and it bled. You lost a lot of blood. You are a very lucky boy to be alive right now. That's how much blood you lost. You are going to have to make some changes to your diet and such, but that we can talk about later on. Enjoy your reunion with your family" He then wrote some things down on his pad and left the room.

After that I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, AJ was there. He was sitting on my bed playing cards with Howie as Brian still sat next to me holding my hand. "Hey" Brian whispered to me. I smiled back to him. "You know everytime you wake up, you look better and better"

"Everytime?" I managed to get out. My throat felt much better now, but it was still dry.

"Yes, you have been going in and out of sleep for the last three days" He said now taking a seat next to me on my bed. Still never letting go of my hand. "Hey kiddo!" AJ said finally realizing I was awake and jumped down off the bed and scrambled over to hug me. "Easy J" Howie said, trying to pull him off of me. "You know who I am now?" I nodded.

"Why wouldn't I know who you are?"

"Because you have been out of it my dear child"

"Oh, well yes I know who you are. You're not exactly the easy to forget type you know" They all laughed happy to see me cracking jokes again. "Where's Kevin?"

"He's helping dad move out"

"Dad's moving out?"

"Yes, We thought it was for the best, so he is going to another group home. They found him an emergency placement"

"He doesn't have to move out" I was suddenly feeling guilty for getting my father kicked out of his own house.

"Boo, you need to not be stressed all the time. We know how bad dad stresses you out. It's not healthy for you" Howie said caressing my cheek as he spoke.

"But I don't want to be alone"

"You won't be. I am here Nicky. Remember me? your roomie?" Howie joked.

"He doesn't have to leave because of me"

"He wanted to, it was his idea" Brian said surprising the crap out of me.

"His idea?"

"Yeah Boo, he thought it was best. He said he didn't want some sick kid bugging him all day long" Brian winked at me. But for the first time the strangest thing happened. I looked beyond the words that my brother just said and saw that it was my father's concern that had him moving out.

For the first time since I had really come out of my deep slumber, I also got a good look at Brian. He looked tired and well, gross! His hair was matted and he was growing a slight beard. He looked like he hadn't slept in ages by the big black bags under his eyes. "You look awful" I said to him. He seemed to think that was really funny. "Yeah well you're not looking to hot yourself" A ruffle of my hair and me smile again, "But I'm sick. What's your excuse?"

"You're my excuse dum dum"

"See Brian I told you, you need to go home and get some sleep. Nicky here will manage just fine with AJ and I okay?" Howie's request sounded more like a demand and I realized that maybe Brian has been here by my side this entire time. How long that was I had no clue though. "Hey, how long have I been here anyway?"

"For about five days now. Two of which you were totally unconscious. The other three you have drifted in and out" Brian answered through a yawn.

"Five days?" That was very hard for me to grasp. The fact that I was here but not, was strange. I lost five days. Then I started to panic about school. It was not good to miss that much school especially for me, who had relentlessly slacked off prior to my little hospital stay. The last thing I wanted to do was repeat my last year of school. I tried sitting up which brought all three brothers to my bedside pushing me back down.

"Now hang on buckaroo, where do you think you are going?" AJ asked still firmly holding my shoulder down on the bed.

"I have to go to school. I can't not graduate"

"Well, you are just going to have to take your time buddy. Kevin talked to your teachers. They all know you are sick. They have been sending homework. We'll do it at a slow pace. Little by little. It will all work out don't worry"

"Yeah afterall, worrying is what you got you here in the first place" AJ said finally easing up on my shoulder and playfully hitting the top of my head.

"It is?"

"Yes, you need to not stress out about things so much baby" Howie said. He was calling me baby. That just reaffirmed what a bad situation I must have been in. He only did that when he was scared or grateful for my company. "I'm sorry I made you all worry so much" I said feeling my eyelids begin to close again. I was trying to fight sleep but in the end, it won the battle.

I awoke to find Kevin's tall silhouette in my room. Day must have just turned to night because I could barely see him. I knew it was Kevin by the long legs stretched out and the hand holding his sleepy chin up.

"Kevin?" I asked in a low voice. If he was asleep I didn't want to wake him up, but I really needed some water. My lips were cracking from being so dry.

"He sat up in his chair and stretched, "Yeah buddy?"

"Can I have some water please?" He stood up and poured some water into a plastic cup from the pitcher sitting on my little night stand. I tried to sit up but I couldn't do it, so he came over sat next to me on the bed and helped lift me to a sitting position. I tried to grab the cup but my hands were too shaky so he placed the cup to my lips and I drank. He pulled it away before I was satisfied. "The doctor said you shouldn't drink too much at one time" I nodded and started to lay back down.

He pulled all the way into the bed and led my head onto his chest. "Don't worry you don't look like a sissy" I had to smile. He knew me so well, that's exactly what I was thinking. "When am I not going to be so tired?" He gently rubbed my back. "When your body decides it is healed"

"Where is everyone?"

"I sent them home. It's late and Howie and Brian haven't left you since you've been here"

"Really?" I was being calmed by his chest rising and falling in time with his heart. I vaguely remember lying on him like this when I was a little child. "Yes, of course. Nicky, you scared the holy hell out of us!"

"Sorry"

"Don't apologize but I think you aged us all about twenty more years"

"Wow you were already an old fuddy dud"

"Hey!" He laughed.

"I had no idea I was so sick"

"You were. And if you EVER feel like that again, don't wait until you are vomiting blood to tell someone okay? Promise!"

"I promise"

"Good. AJ wanted to stay but I told him I needed alone time with my baby brother. Plus he annoys the crap out of me" Then unexpectedly I said something that I hadn't allowed myself to utter in quite some time.

"I miss Melissa" His embrace tightened, "I know you do. I do too. I think about her all the time"

"I hope she makes it out of the waiting place one day"

"What?"

"It's nothing, I just hope she is happy"

"Me too"

"Do you think Mom is happy?" There was another person I never really allowed myself to think about. My mother.

"Not sure Boo, but let's not worry about them. Are you happy?" He asked me.

Now there's a question that I had always overlooked my whole life. Happiness seemed there for other people not for me. But maybe I was happy. Maybe if I wasn't, I should be.

"I think so"

"Good you need to be happy. You deserve it"

"Yeah I do. You're right. Thanks Kevin"

"No problem. I love you kiddo"

"I love you too"

"Now get some sleep" And just like that, I did. Kevin rubbed my back while I drifted off to sleep. He was humming. Just like Melissa. I needed to heal. Not only physically but mentally..

Then a had a mystic revelation and everything suddenly made sense. We were all crazy not just me...

The Awakening

I could not wait to get out of that hospital bed. Once I remained conscious enough to be bored, I wanted out! But yet, none of the doctors were ready to release me. AJ joked that it was my charm and good looks that made them keep me. Maybe he was right, but I think they just wanted my money.

Money, now when I even uttered the word, I felt a pang in my stomach. How in the heck were we going to pay for this hospital stay? I had surgery and was attached to machines. We were going to end up living on the street. What's worse is, I didn't really have real coverage. Just the mandatory stuff from school. Because Dad was mentally ill, he was covered by the state, but he didn't actually have me on his policy. I guess in the states eyes, I wasn't as important as him.

"What's wrong?" I looked up at Kevin and Brian who were staring back at me with a look of alarm.

"Nothing. Why do you ask?"

"You're holding your stomach. Why? Do you feel any pain?" They looked so tense that for some reason that calmed me. They cared that much I guess.

"NO, I'm just worrying about the hospital bill" Once again they shot each other a look.

"Boo, why are you worrying about that?" Kevin asked walking over to me and sitting down on the bed.

"I don't know how I am going to pay for this"

"You know what kiddo, how about you let US worry about that. You worry about getting better okay?" Brian added now sitting next to me on the other side. I felt so safe and protected. I don't recall ever feeling like that before.

Safe.

That's the word I was looking for. I mean I knew my family would always be there for me, but I never allowed myself to believe it. Now, I don't know, it started to become easier for me to see. They cared about me. They always have. Just because they were far away didn't mean I was forgotten. Right?

"Nicky, we've been meaning to talk to you about something" Kevin said his tone becoming a little more serious. He helped me sit up and grabbed my hand.

"What is it?" Kevin looked so intense I had to move my gaze to Brian instead, not feeling much better at the seriousness of his facial expression either.

"Guys, what is it? What's wrong?" I looked from boy to boy.

"Look, Nick. After you got so sick and the doctor told us what it was, he recommended therapy for you. We think it's a good idea"

"I'm not crazy Kevin"

"I didn't say you were"

"Then why are you suggesting that I go to a crazy doctor then?"

That's what they were to me. Crazy quacks. They never did any good, just made everyone feel bad. Giving both my Mom and Dad so many drugs that they lost themselves. That wasn't going to happen to me. No way.

"Nick, it's not a 'crazy doctor' it's a therapist. He will help you get through whatever you are feeling inside"

"No! I'm not going"

"Nick, don't be stupid. Go it will help"

"Like it helped Mom? Dad? And Mel?"

"It was different for them"

"How Brian? How was it different for them?" They were both growing uneasy by my mood change.

"You need to relax Nicky. Calm yourself down. The last thing we want is for you to get sick again. I couldn't take it Nick. I can't go through this again" Brian said, cracking evident in his voice. I had put him through so much. Kevin looked the same way. I felt a tear running down my face. Kevin reached over to my cheek and caught it before it fell.

"I am crazy" I said. I had known it all along but refused to admit it openly.

"Aw Nicky, no you're not. You have been dealt a lot of crummy cards. It's time to throw them away and get some better ones" Only Kevin could come up with a poker analogy for this.

"I don't want to be on pills. I don't want them to drug me up"

"Then they won't. They didn't drug me up" I looked at Brian a little shocked.

"What do you mean?" I asked him

"Well, when I had just gotten out of college, all the crap we went through growing up made me depressed. I went to therapy"

"You did?" I don't know why I never knew that.

"Yes, I did..and it helped"

"I did too" Kevin admitted.

"You too?"

"Yes, I was probably your age when I tried to kill myself" I gasped and Brian's head went down. Brian knew.

"You tried to.."

"Commit suicide? Yes" He said finishing my question for me.

"But...why?"

"I felt desperate kiddo. I felt unloved, unwanted and overwhelmed. It all became too much, so I came home from school and tried to overdose on some of Mom's sleeping pills. At that time, Mom was crazy but nobody knew it but us" I saw by the expression on his face that he was revisiting his dark place. I wanted to pull him back out.

"So, what happened?"

"I had a very brief hospital stay and went into therapy. It was the best move I have ever made" He looked at me then with glistening eyes and I pulled him close to me for a hug.

"I never knew"

"You were young"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to me"

"We've all been to therapy Nick. All of us" Brian said grabbing my hand in his.

"Really?"

"Um..yeah, hello...AJ is a whacko!" That lightened the mood and the three of us began to laugh.

"Go, Boo. It will help you" Brian said after a few minutes of silence.

I answered with a nod.

"Oh and good news for you, the doctor said you can leave tomorrow! Now that you have actually moved your bowels" I made a disgusted face.

"Why is my doctor discussing my bathroom habits with you Brian?"

"Not sure. But at least we know you are no longer full of shit" We laughed again.

"How's Dad?" I asked. Surprising both Kevin and Brian, but more so myself.

"He's okay. He is already bugging the people at his new place" I smiled. Howie walked in next, carrying a huge bouquet of flowers.

"Hey everybody, Good morning Nicky. I have a gift for you" He placed the flowers by my bed and kissed my forehead.

"Why would you get those for him? He's leaving tomorrow" Kevin said.

"I didn't" He said handing me the card and winking.

I opened the envelope and smiled.

Hey Nickolas,

Don't you ever go doing that to me again!

I have been thinking about you a lot!

When you get out of the hospital call me.

hugs and kisses,

Kelly

"Who's it from?" Brian asked.

"Not important"

"Oh okay. Nicky has a girlfriend Nicky has a girlfriend" Brain sang in his mocking tone.

I rolled my eyes at him.

"Okay Kev and I have a few errands to run before you get home. So Howie here is going to keep you company" I smiled at D. I hadn't really gotten a chance to talk to him since he got home. I guess I was busy bleeding to death or something.

Howie took Kevin's place on the bed. He just looked at me and smiled.

"How are you?" I asked him. He seemed surprised by the question.

"I'm fine Nicky"

"Good. I was worried about you"

"I know. I'm sorry for leaving that way"

"It's okay"

"No it's not. This is probably all my fault"

"God Howie, no it isn't. You needed to get away and I'm glad you did"

He nodded.

"D?"

"Yeah baby?"

"What made you decide to go to therapy?"

"Melissa"

"Really? How?"

Howie took a deep breath. "I found myself turning into Melissa"

"You're okay now though right?"

"Yup. I am still going to therapy. I found a great doctor"

"Can I have his name?"

"It's a her, and of course you can"

We sat in silence. The same comfortable silence I have always known with Howie. I still couldn't get over the fact that they had all been in therapy. Now I would be going too. Maybe this would be the next chapter of my life. The chapter that I was always the most hesitant to write...

So knowing that, I took the first steps in trying to NOT become just another sad and angry Carter. I opened my eyes..

Pajama Party

The day I was finally released from the hospital, I slowly made my way up the steps to my house, being aided by both Brian on one side and Kevin on the other. I was walking like an old man, the pain still a reminder that I had a ways to go before I was totally healed.

"Baby steps Nicky, baby steps" Kevin said when I attempted to go up the few front steps into my house. My next door neighbors came out to great me.

"Nickolas! So good to see you back on your feet" Ray said from the bottom of his front steps. He and his wife looked on as I just waved to him and ventured finally into the house.

Brain ran ahead and opened the door for me and when I walked in, I was greeted with a

"SURPRISE!!!"

I was amazed to find many of my friends from school sitting there in the living room waiting for me. A huge banner hung above the door frame saying Welcome home Nicky. It was a surprise party for me. The first one I have ever had in MY honor. Everyone clapped as I made my way to the couch and sat down, once again with help.

It turns out that Brent had approached my father with the idea while I was still very much in critical condition. I had to laugh at that. Leave it to Brent to think about partying while his best friend is not even able to breath on his own. All of my brothers helped with the decorations and food. It was very sweet. I just wish I was feeling well enough to truly appreciate it. Just the short walk from the car to the living room had me ready for a nap.

My father was sitting in the middle of all the excitement with his frown. He didn't make a scene though, he just kind of sat quiet. He hadn't visited me in the hospital once I had regained consciousness so I was a little surprised to see him there now. I couldn't help but feel like he was there to try to sabotage my spotlight but luckily that never happened.

Leighanne made me a fabulous cake made with double chocolate just the way I liked it, and Kelly brought me a bouquet of red roses.

Kelly, now there was a person that I couldn't think about just yet.

My guests stayed only for a little while because they realized how tired I would be, but probably the best thing they brought with them besides themselves of course, was a huge get well card signed by pretty much the entire senior class including my teachers. It was nice to feel missed and cared about. It didn't happen often but boy when it did, it was the best feeling in the world.

After the last person left, which was Brent, I had time to think about exactly what had happened to me. How my worry and stress made me so ill. The way I felt when I walked in the door and saw all those people, that's the way I wanted to feel all the time.

"So, we surprised you huh?" Brian asked sitting next to me and placing his head on my shoulder.

"Yes, you did. Thanks a lot"

"Don't thank me Boo boo, thank Brent and Dad. They planned this all out. You should have seen him Nick, he couldn't wait for you to get home" I had a hard time believing Brian's words, especially since my Dad barely even spoke to me when I got home. I looked over at him and he was once again sitting and staring at his television while it was on mute.

"Thanks Dad" I said through a smile. He ignored me. I would have tried again but I didn't feel like being insulted so I just dropped it.

"Do you need anything kiddo?" Brian asked as he stood up to venture back into the kitchen to know doubt, cuddle his wife.

"No, I'm good" He nodded and left the room.

I fell asleep on that couch and found my father sitting next to me when I awoke. He was still staring at the screen. "Dad, why do you always do that?"

"What?" He asked grumpily, like I had interrupted something very important.

"I said why do you always do that? you know it bugs me"

"If it bugs you so much than turn away" He snapped at me and shove my shoulder. Kevin was watching the whole thing unfold. "Hey buddy you want to go upstairs?" I nodded. Kevin helped me up and we slowly made the long trek up the steps. When I got to my room, I felt eerily uncomfortable. Memories of how sick I was and crawling to the garbage can entered my mind and my body responded by shivering.

"Are you cold?" Kevin asked me.

"No, I...never mind it's not important"

"What did you want to say?"

"I'm just a little nervous about sleeping in here, that's all" Kevin got me to the bed and helped me take my shoes off. "Oh I see. Too many bad memories?"

"Yeah, I guess you can say that" He pulled my feet up onto the bed and then covered me with my blankets. Brian, Howie and AJ followed us into the room but I was too caught up in my memories to notice.

"Want me to stay in here with you?"

I laughed "Kevin, I'm not a baby"

"I know, but still I think I would feel better if at least one of us stayed in here with you"

"I was planning on doing that" AJ said

"What about Sarah?" I asked him, just then Sarah entered the room carrying a huge plate of lasagna "Oh don't worry about that, I will live" She placed the tray on my legs. "This is from Mario. He said eat it up and get well!" Then she turned to everyone else, "He sent over two huge trays of food for Nicky so guys go downstairs and eat up" Then after gently kissing me on the cheek and winking, she exited.

"Well, kiddo you know I love you to death, but it's lasagna buddy, so ciao!" AJ said running out of the room.

"Well, what are you all waiting for? Go and eat" I said laughing. They all smiled and filed out of the room, just before leaving Brian said "I'll be right back"

I had taken maybe two bites of my food when they all piled into my room with huge plates of lasagna sitting down on the floor and putting on my TV.

"What are you guys doing?"

"We decided we are ALL gonna stay here with you tonight" Howie said winking at me.

"You guys don't have to"

"We know Nickers, we ant too. Sarah will just have to cuddle with Leighanne"

"I kind of want to see that"

"Oh very nice Kevin" AJ said throwing a piece of lettuce at his head.

I sat back and watched my brothers talk about sports, life, music, and growing up. Things that a family was supposed to do. It appeared as if no one had their guard up. Actually all enjoying one another's company. I didn't want the moment to end. I closed my eyes and made a mental picture. This was family. I would have labeled it. A happy family.

One by one they all began to dose off to sleep, leaving just Brian and I awake. "Brian?"

"Yeah buddy?"

"Thanks for staying with me"

"Any time"

"This was really Dad's idea?"

"Yeah it was Boo. You know, I hope one day you realize just how much that grumpy old guy downstairs loves you"

"I hope so too Brian"

"That's what therapy will help you with kiddo!"

"I know"

"I love you Nick. You know THAT right?" I looked at his small shadow, I couldn't see his face because of the darkness, but I could feel his blue eyes piercing through the blackness, searching for an answer. Again, maybe even as early as a few weeks ago, I would have hesitated, stumbled over the words, but not tonight. Because tonight was a night of rebirth for me. "Yes, I know that" I said confidently and surely. Then I fell into a dreamless and very peaceful sleep...

And tried my best to open my heart...

Opening Up and Letting Go

A week after I got home, things started to go back to normal for me. I was to start school again on Monday, which I did to applause when I entered my homeroom. And most of my family had to go back to their lives. Kevin left two days after I got out of the hospital. I totally understood though because he was a teacher and he couldn't afford to be taking off for much longer. Brian and Leighanne also had to leave. She was pregnant and it wasn't good for her to not be home, and just like Kevy, Brian needed to go back to work. AJ and Sarah stayed though. They really didn't have much to go back home too, so they stayed around a while longer to bug us. Howie of course, was home. Finally. And I was glad to have him. I missed the guy while he was gone. I used to take him for granted but you know the old saying, you don't realize what you have until it's gone? Well I didn't.

My healing was right on track and except for an occasional pain when I walked, I was feeling like my old self. So Howie once again, handed me the card of his therapist, and two days later I found myself in the office of Mrs.Shelby Snow. Yes, she did sound like a porn star, kind of looked like one too. I bet that's why Howie picked her. He had told me that if I could get past her beauty, I would be able to benefit from her wisdom.

I sat on a nice leather chair, hands folded into each other, nervously playing with an old gum wrapper. I bit my bottom lip as I waited for her to enter the room. Thousands of excuses entered my mind. Why I should NOT be here and how I can leave. I took a deep breath as she entered the room.

Howie was right, she was absolutely gorgeous. She had curly brown hair and sparkling green eyes. She was buxom but yet motherly. That's how she carried herself. As the world's best Mom. Her age told me that she probably had a child my age. Maybe I went to school with him or her. Great that would mean that everybody would know that I was going to see a crazy doctor and...

"You must be Nick" She said extending her hand to me. I stood up making my gum wrapper fall to the ground.

"Yeah, um..hi"

"Hello Nick, I'm Shelby Snow"

"Hi Dr. Snow"

"Oh heaven's no, I'm not a doctor, just your average psychologist. You can call me Shelby, no Mrs. Snow okay?"

"Okay"

"Good, so sit down and relax. I can tell you are nervous. Are you nervous Nick?"

"Yes a little"

"Well, don't be. There's nothing to be nervous about" She smiled at me. The smile of a warm and friendly person. I could tell she probably was a great Mom. I suddenly found myself jealous of her imaginary children.

"What do you want to talk about Nick?" I looked up at her and shrugged, "I don't know, I'm kind of new to this whole thing"

"Well why don't you tell me what you were just thinking about then" I looked down at the floor. Now she would know I was crazy.

"I was thinking that you seem like you would be a great Mom" She smiled

"That's a very nice thing to say, thank you. I would like to think I am. What about your Mom?"

"What about her?"

"Is she a great Mom?" I laughed under my breath.

"No, she falls under the dead Mom category"

"Oh I'm so sorry. Tell me about her"

"There's not much to tell"

"Do you compare other people to your mother?"

"What are you writing?" I asked her trying to sneak a peak of what she was putting in her notes.

"Just some notes for me to get to know you better. It's no big deal really" I nodded.

"So, you never answered my question, do you compare other people to your mother"

"No not really"

"When did she die?"

"A while ago, I was pretty young" I began to fidget again, I wished I hadn't dropped my gum wrapper. I could really use it about now.

"I can tell you don't really like talking about her. We can talk about something else if you like"

"I don't really want to talk about anything"

"Then why are you here?"

"To make my brothers happy"

"Is that important to you? To make your brothers happy?"

"Yes, I guess so"

"Why?"

Well that was a good question. I never asked myself that before. "I don't know"

"Okay, well maybe that is a good starting point for you. What really made you come to me Nickolas?"

I was feeling uncomfortable. I knew this therapy thing wasn't going to be easy but, "I guess I always find myself wondering what a real Mom acts like"

"Pardon?"

I hesitated and then took a deep breath and said with assurance, "You asked me before, do I compare other people to my Mother. But no, actually I look at people like you for instance, and I wonder what it's like to have a normal Mom" I looked away from her as if I had said something wrong and would soon be laughed at.

"What makes you think your Mom wasn't normal?"

"She wasn't. She never acted like how a Mother is supposed to act"

"And how is a Mother supposed to act?"

"You know, loving, caring, like you are the most important thing in the world"

"And how did she act?"

"Totally opposite"

"How so?"

I suddenly felt myself regretting my Mom outburst. I didn't know if I was ready to talk about her. If I would ever be ready to talk about her. "She hated me"

Shelby looked at me then, with her sweet sympathetic eyes, "Why do you think she hated you?"

"Because I got in her way. Before I was born, she was normal. She did normal Mom things with my brothers and sister. She was a real Mom. I came along and it became different"

"How?"

"Well, she became crazy"

"You mean mentally ill Nick. Was your Mom mentally ill?"

"Yes"

"That must have been hard for you"

"It was. So, she was never like my Mom, more like this crazy person I happened to live with"

"I see"

"Yeah but then I would hear my brothers and dad tell stories about my Mom. How she loved life and having fun"

"Do you blame yourself?" I looked up at her, my eyes a little wet, "Maybe a little"

"Well isn't that a big responsibility. Taking on all that guilt"

"What about your brothers?"

"What about them?"

"Do you think they blame you?" I couldn't even say it, so I just nodded while wiping a tear form my eyes.

"I think that's also why my Dad hates me so much"

"Because he thinks you are responsible for your Mom's illness?"

"Yes" My voice was small and cracking. Shelby reached over and gave me a tissue.

"Nick, mental illness is no one's fault"

"I know that"

"Do you?"

I nodded again

"Is that why you find it so important to please your brothers?"

"I don't know"

"Look at me Nickolas" I looked up at her.

"You have had a very difficult childhood. It's not easy living with mental illness. It is not your fault. Guilt will only lead you to feeling miserable. Let it go"

"I can't"

"Why not? Do you enjoy feeling guilty?"

"No"

"Than just close your eyes and let it fly away. You didn't make your Mom the way she was. Her illness did"

"Do you think that she hated me?" I asked her. She smiled

"I can't answer that question for you, but I think just by asking it yourself, you know the answer"

I wanted to know the answer. The truth is, sometimes it kept me up late at night. Thinking my Mother hated me. It made me feel unworthy of anyone else's love.

"What is the answer to that question Nickolas?"

I looked at her "She didn't hate me"

Shelby nodded. "Well seems like you have just alleviated some of that guilt. How does it feel?"

"Okay I guess" She laughed.

"I loved her though" I couldn't believe I was opening up to this woman.

"I know you did. And she loved you to"

"No I don't think she did"

"Tell me your best memory of your Mother"

I closed my eyes and thought back. There really weren't that many memories when it came to Mom. More stories than memories.

"She used to read to me, this book about fighting alligators" I smiled at the memory, "She would change her voice to coincide with the different characters in the book" Shelby smiled.

"She read the same book to me almost every night. She would alternate it with this other one..I can't remember the name of it, but it had a little boy who flushed a watch down the toilet"

"I Love you Forever" Shelby blurted out.

"Yeah that's the one, there was a song that went along with it, she would sing it and rock me I love you Forever, I like you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be" As I came to the end of the little song, I became slower and slower as I took a moment to relive the experience. She used to hold me in one hand and the book and my Winnie The Pooh doll in the other. We would rock on a rocking chair, that had long since been broken. I smiled at the memory. I used to look forward to that every night.

"That is a great book. I used to read that to my son every night as well"

"You did?"

"Yes, and you know why?"

"No. Why?"

"Because I love him" I looked away again but this time my mind saw the expression that played on my Mom's face as she read to me. We were caught in a moment the two of us. She seemed to love being with me as much as I with her. Just for those few moments before sleep. Like I was the most important thing to her world just for that book length. I laughed.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Because...just because"

"Okay"

When our session was over I shook her hand and told her I would be back next week. I walked down to the car humming that song. Picturing my Mother's beautiful face as she sang it to me. She did love me, in her own little way...

It was hard at first, so many memories came flooding back. Some good and some bad..

Motherless Child

After my first therapy session, I felt revitalized. In an odd sort of way. It felt so good getting everything out in the open. I had never done that before. Almost feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Howie was waiting for me in the waiting area. I had forgotten that he had taken me there.

"So, how did it go?" He asked me curiously as I put on my jacket looking around and hoping not to many people would see me there.

"Okay I guess"

"Good"

I thought he was going to drop the subject, actually I was HOPING he would drop the subject. "So did you like her?"

"Yes, she's really nice" More awkward silence. I started fiddling with his car radio.

"What did you guys talk about?"

"Stuff"

"What kind of stuff?"

"Just stuff"

"Do you feel better about things?"

"I guess"

"Good, because I want you to feel better about things"

"She said it won't happen overnight"

"No, it won't"

"What do you guys talk about?" I asked him. Maybe if he opened up to me, I would open up to him.

"Things"

"Oh, I see, I talk about stuff and you talk about things"

"Yes"

"Do you ever talk about me?" I asked. He smiled, "Sometimes"

"Really?"

"Yes, like how much I worry about you"

"She acted like she knew nothing about me"

"She's supposed to"

"So, did she know Mom killed herself?" He looked over at me.

"Why? Did you talk about Mom?" I shifted in my seat and once again fumbled through the radio stations.

"Yeah..a little"

"Oh. I talk about her too"

"So she did know then?"

"Yes"

"Do you remember Mom singing to me ever?" He looked over at me once again, "No. Mom was not really much of a singer. She was more of a hummer. She would walk around the house humming all the time"

"Oh, but she used to read me this story with a song in it"

"I love you forever" He said with confidence.

"Yes, do you remember that? Did she ever do that with you?"

"She read that book to all of us"

"Oh" I said a little disappointed. I wanted to be the only one.

"I miss Mom sometimes" Howie confessed. "I wish you could have really known her"

"Me too"

"She loved you so much Nicky" I looked over at my brother as he drove. Had he ever told me that before? Maybe he had. Maybe I just never allowed myself to hear it.

"How so?" I asked. Howie seemed surprised that I wanted to pursue the topic. Usually when talk of Mom came up, I became a wall flower, just waiting for the topic to drop.

"Well" He stopped to think for a minute, "Whenever she held you in her arms, she would smile. She had the prettiest smile"

"I remember that"

"Yeah, if she was sad or down, that would all change when she held her darling Nicky"

I wanted to cry. Why was it that every memory I ever allowed myself to have of my Mother was bad? Maybe if I had taken the time to accept her love, things would have been different.

"Whatcha thinkin Boo?" Howie asked when he saw me get very quiet.

"I just wish I could have told her that I loved her"

"You didn't have to tell her Boo, she knew"

He placed his right arm behind my head and gently pulled me towards him. "I don't think I have ever heard you say that you loved Mom before" He told me as he hugged me tight against him. I pulled away more out of embarrassment than anything else. All I needed was one of my friends to drive by while my brother cuddled me. He laughed when I moved away from him. "What do I have cooties or something?"

"God Howie, cooties?" I laughed.

"D, can we go see her?"

He turned to me once again, "Mom?"

"Yes"

"Sure thing Nick"

We passed our house and went towards the graveyard. The place that I had avoided since my sister's death. Even when I went to visit Melissa, I never came here. I always chose instead to go to her tree. We drove through the gates that led to the graveyard and I suddenly got scared. Like how you might feel confronting an estranged family member for the first time. I needed to do this though. As we parked close to her burial ground, Howie looked towards me, "You sure?"

"Yes"

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No" I said and then unfastening my seatbelt, I got out of the car. I walked slowly towards her grave. Feeling bad that we had not really visited much. All the tombstones that I encountered on my way, seemed to be lined with flowers. I knew my Mom's would be bare. Just the thought made me sad. This woman gave me life, yet I couldn't even bring her a flower from time to time.

I was surprised to see a fresh bunch of carnations at the foot of her tombstone. Maybe Howie had brought them. I stopped and stood right above her grave, feeling a little dumb. Now that I was here, I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to do. I just stared, for a little while. Not speaking. Just looking at her name engraved in stone. Not ever feeling a connection before. To me all she was, was a name.

"Hi Mom" I said after standing there in silence for awhile. "It's me Nicky. I'm sorry I haven't been here in awhile" I tried to think of the last time I was here. I think it was when Melissa died. I remember briefly standing here, no emotion, feeling cheated. "I'm all grown up now Mom. I just turned 18 and I'm going to be graduating from high school" I looked around to make sure no one was watching me talk to some dead person. For some reason talking to Mel's tree didn't bother me, but this did.

"I wanted to come to see you because...well.." I couldn't find the words. A small breeze blew by, making her carnations roll away. I quickly moved to put them back where they were. Now eye level to her tombstone. "I'm sorry" I whispered, "I'm sorry for never telling you I loved you. I'm sorry that I blocked you out. I'm sorry that you never got to see me grow up" I was now kneeling right on top of her, talking to her tombstone like it was her face. "When I was young, I was angry. I didn't think you loved me. Sometimes I still think that maybe you didn't love me...You did though didn't you?"

"Yes she did" Howie said squatting down next to me. I felt dumb. He had tears in his eyes which made me realize he was listening to me the entire time. I looked down at the ground.

"Why are you out here?" I asked him.

"She loved you" He reiterated by putting his arms around me again. This time I didn't care if we looked stupid. I needed him there.

"Nick, she would be so proud of you if she were still alive. You know that? Totally proud of you"

"You think?" I asked him. He turned me towards him, "I know"

"Thanks" I said moving away from him.

"Not a problem" He stood up, "I am going back to the car" He started to walk away, "Nicky?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you"

"I love you too Howie" When he was gone, I turned my attention back to my Mother. Everyone told me I had her laugh. "Mom, I just wanted to say thanks and I wish I had gotten to know you better" My yes turned towards a familiar voice. I looked over towards my sister was buried and saw my father and his case worker, Sandy walking towards me. He had his hand in hers laughing. They almost looked like a couple. They stopped when she saw me staring at her.

"Hello Nickolas" She said. My dad looked at me suspiciously. Like I was invading his space. "What are you doing here?" She asked me.

"Visiting my Mom" Dad walked over to my Mom's grave, bent down and placed a hand on her tombstone, "Here that honey, your baby is here" He was talking so soft and sweetly to my Mom, then I noticed that in his hands he was carrying some fresh flowers. "You put those on her grave?" I asked him.

"Of course I did" He looked away from me and back to my Mother, "Carnations were her favorite"

"Oh. I never knew that" He smiled, and placed the remaining flowers on to the grass at the base by her grave. He kissed the tombstone then. I saw my Dad briefly in a different light. That of a husband. A man who cared deeply for his wife and still missed her, years after her death. I decided to leave him alone with her. "Bye Mommy" I said rubbing my hands on the top of her tombstone. I then looked over at my father, "Bye dad" I said. He nodded. Seeming not to really care if I was there or not.

I walked back to my brother's car feeling enlightened and also feeling like someone's son for the first time ever.

I was forced to analyze myself and my relationships with the people I loved.

ME

I made sure I told Shelby about my visit to my Mother's grave in our next session a week later. I felt very comfortable talking to her. I never thought I would feel comfortable talking to anybody ever, but she was great! She listened intently as I told her about what I said to my Mom and the fact that my Dad was there with his social worker.

"Why did you say it like that?" She asked me. I looked over at her.

"Like what?" I asked, not quite sure where she was going with this line of questioning.

"When you mentioned your dad's social worker, you rolled your eyes. Do you not like her?"

"Oh, No I actually HATE her!" She smirked.

"Oh my, why?"

"Because I do"

"So, your saying you really don't have a reason then?"

"No, I didn't say that at all"

"But you also couldn't give me a real reason either"

"Fine. You want a real reason? I'll give you a real reason. She is an incompetent jerk!"

"What makes her incompetent?"

"She coddles dad"

"How?" I hated when she kept asking me questions. I realized that's how she got her information but still it got annoying sometimes.

"She just gives him everything he wants. She enables him"

"Okay. And you don't like that huh?"

"No I don't"

"Why?"

"Because he will never get better if he always knows that people will give him what he wants"

"What will make him better?" I looked at her. I was supposed to know what was going to make him better?

"I don't know. Maybe if he had to work for something for once. Not have it handed to him"

"I see" She said.

"I don't want to talk about him anymore today. Can we talk about something else?" She put down her pen and looked at me. "Sure Nick, what else would you like to talk about?"

"I don't know, but not dad"

"What about you?"

"Me?"

"Yes. We haven't talked about you yet"

"Sure we have"

"No, not really" She said pulling her glasses down slightly as if to say, I know what I'm talking about young man.

"What do you want to know?" I asked her now shifting uncomfortably in my chair.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" I laughed at the simplicity of the question. Then I stopped for a moment and thought about it. The funny thing is, I had never really put all that much thought into things. I mean I had some ideas, but they weren't very practical.

"I'm not really sure" I finally answered.

"You're not? Graduation's right around the corner"

"I know. I haven't thought about it so much"

"Because you don't like to think about yourself do you Nick?" I shrugged.

"What are your dreams?" I shrugged again. She began to write some more notes down on her pad. I was quickly becoming sad. Why couldn't I just list some dreams and possible occupations for her? Was I THAT odd? "

I love to draw" I said in a whisper. She looked up from her pad.

"That's fabulous Nickolas"

"Yeah, I think it's fun. I also love to write"

"You do? What do you like to write?"

"I don't know, little stories and stuff. Nothing to big"

"I would love to see them sometime"

"Nah! They're stupid"

"Will you do something for me then?"

"Sure, Shelby. What do you want me to do?"

"Write me a little story about you"

"Me? A true story? Can I make myself a superhero?" She laughed.

"No, I want you to write me the biography of Nick Carter"

"It will be really boring" She laughed again, "Well do it anyway. Include you're whole family"

"Okay. I will try but it will be hard"

"Yes, you're right it probably will be"

So with my assignment in my hand, I went home to begin to write about ME. My least favorite topic.

I got home to the smell of peppers and onions being fried on the stove. That had to mean one thing. Sarah was cooking. She loved to make perogies smothered in onions and red bell peppers. I think she did it to torture me because I wasn't allowed to eat them. I had to stay away from most fried foods because of my ulcer. I would still manage to sneak a few of them though, I would have to sneak! If Howie saw me putting anything fried into my mouth, he would flip out!

Howie. He was back to his old self, much to mine and my families relief. Once he got back home he just kicked back into his old routine, even his morning jogs. I opened the front door and breathed in the wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. I loved it when Sarah was here. It felt like a home again. AJ was sitting in the living room watching or rather, flipping through the channels. "Hey Nicky! How are you doing brother?"

"Fine" I answered, dropping my backpack on the floor and taking a seat next to him. I had decided to go see Shelby right after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This way, Howie wouldn't want to drive me there. I could go myself. It made the days longer but it worked out better for me that way.

"Did I hear my favorite blonde just walk in?" Sarah said coming into the room and sitting on my lap, giving me a big kiss on the cheek. "Hey! She is mine buddy!" AJ said playfully. I loved having them here. I wish they could stay forever.

"Dinner is almost ready guys. Nick I have made you some pasta, but you can have a perogie or two, we just won't tell Howie" She then winked and returned to the kitchen. We had a great dinner. I laughed as AJ and Sarah playfully argued about which of the two was a better cook. I had my own opinion on that one. After hanging out with them for a bit, I forced myself to go upstairs and start that paper. The one I had promised Shelby I'd write.

I sat there just swirling the pencil around in my hand, blank piece of paper in front of me. I had tossed some ideas around in my head but that's all they were. Ideas. Not really truth. How do you write something that you didn't understand? For me, it was my life. I didn't get it. I didn't get me.

I decided to go look at myself in the mirror. Maybe that would give me some idea. I didn't really enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. In fact I avoided it at all costs. Howie, now he would spend hours in front of the mirror. AJ too. It just wasn't something I enjoyed doing very much. It was odd that I suddenly felt so compelled to do it. So I stood there staring at myself. I never noticed how much I licked my lips, but just in the matter of three minutes, that I spent staring at myself in the mirror, I must have licked my lips like a thousand times. I laughed. My crooked smile made me turn away. Okay maybe looking into the mirror was a bad idea.

I walked back over to my desk and once again sat there staring at the blank paper. Luckily a knock on the door, took me away from myself.

"Come in" AJ entered the room and plopped down on the bed, "Hey buddy, just wondering what you're up to?" I swiveled in my chair to face the bed, "Not much"

"Homework?"

"I guess, kind of"

"Anything I can help you with? Except for math. I suck at math!"

"I have to write a paper"

"Ew! I remember those days. I don't miss them. What do you have to write about?"

"Me"

"You?"

"Yeah. I am supposed to write a story about me"

"Ooo, sounds like fun. Make yourself a superhero!"

"I can't I have to just be lil old me"

"How are you gonna start it?"

"I don't know"

"You want help?" I almost said yes. But I knew it was something I had to do by myself.

"No, that's okay"

"Alright if you're sure"

"Yeah I'm sure. I need to do this solo"

"Okay, well I just came in to check up on you, making sure you weren't doing drugs or masturbating or anything"

"AJ!" AJ got up and tousled my hair. "Just kidding! Goodnight Nick"

"Night AJ" After he left I once again turned to my paper, laughing at what he had said about drugs and masturbating. If there was something I had in common with him, it was his sense of humor.

Hey maybe that was a good way to start: When I look in a mirror I see AJ. His smile, his humor, his intelligence. I see Brian's eyes. The eyes of someone who is kind. I inherited Kevin's temper and intensity. Taking things too seriously sometimes but like AJ still able to laugh it off. Howie's patience also runs through my veins. I am a little bit of all four of them. Kevin, Howard, Brian and Alex. When I think of me I see them...

I continued to write my story well into the evening. By the time I was finished it was almost 3am. It was good though. I was proud. I couldn't wait for Shelby to see it.

"This is very good Nick. You certainly do have a talent for writing" Shelby said when she saw my finished product two days later.

"You think so?" For some reason, her opinion was very important to me.

"Yes! Truly talented"

"Thank you"

"This is a great start you know that?" I smiled at her. "Now maybe in a few months when I ask you to do this again, you will be able to step out of your brothers shadows and become you own person"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't let them define you Nick. YOU need to define you"

"I guess"

"NO!" She yelled it. I shuddered. I was afraid she was going to hit me.

"You need to know it. Not just guess it"

"Okay fine! I know it then" I didn't mean to sound sarcastic, but I did. She grabbed my hand in a gentle loving way, and lowering her voice to the calm tone I was used to, she said "No you don't...not yet. But you will"

I nodded. "One more question, why didn't you mention your sister in this story at all?" My heart raced. Did I actually forget my sister?

"I don't know" I said honestly.

"Well, let's save that question for another day. You did good Nick!"

I walked back to my car and sat there in silence for a bit. I need to define ME, not them. How do you define someone you don't know?

I started with my Brother's Howie and AJ...

Tell Me A Story and Sing Me A Song

I was oddly quiet at dinner the next day. I decided to be an observer. I decided to watch Howie and AJ, who were having a pleasant conversation about life. Sarah and I exchanged quick smiles as AJ went on about what he considered the meaning of life. I don't remember how we got on the topic but once we were there, he owned the conversation.

"So, I think it's interesting how the world keeps on turning even after the absolute worst or best events occur" J said pausing only long enough to stick a piece of chicken in his mouth. He continued while still chewing, "I mean, while we sit here, there are so many atrocities going on all over the world. Sometimes I want to just do my best to go out and defend the universe" I smiled. AJ had BIG ideas sometimes. Like defending the universe, although he would quickly give that up if someone asked him to play a game of golf.

"I mean think about the cats of the world" When he said that I knew I would have to try my best to NOT crack up, "There are over one million stray cats all over the world. One million" He sat back in his chair and said in a dramatic voice, "That's a lot of cats" We all looked at each other, trying to keep from laughing. Howie couldn't help it though, he cracked up. "J! What the hell do cats have to do with saving the universe?"

"Cats are just as important as people"

"Oh no here we go" Sarah said in such a soft whisper that only I could here her.

"Cats were the first domesticated animal. Our relationship with them goes back... way back. I bet Jesus had a cat"

My brother AJ is a lunatic!

"Did you just see a documentary on cats?" Howie asked with one eyebrow slightly raised.

"Yes, he did" Sarah answered for him as she swooped up my plate to give me some more rice.

"Oh, that explains everything then"

"Howie, man I'm really serious. I think I might want to go on a mission to rescue cats" That's when I laughed. I couldn't take it anymore. I was in the middle of drinking some milk. My new forced drink of choice. Well, Howie's choice. And when AJ said that whole rescuing cat thing I spit it out. Howie and Sarah both cracked up.

"What is so damned funny Nicky?" AJ asked after I got control of my little laughing fit, "Rescuing cats AJ? Don't you get lost going down the street? I mean..." My laughter started up again, "They would have to rescue you" I snorted.

That even brought a smile to AJ's face then as they all got a case of the giggles. After the laughter died down, Sarah caressed the back of my neck, "It is sure good hearing you laugh again Nick. I think we have all missed that cute giggle of yours" She winked and kissed me on the cheek.

I stopped and thought a minute. Had it been that long since I have laughed? The answer was yes. In fact I couldn't even recall the last time I genuinely smiled. The looks on both Howie and AJ's faces made me also realize that they had really taken notice of that too.

When it became silent again, AJ said "Well, I'm glad my cause makes you laugh" He rolled his eyes but I knew it was in a playful way. After doing the dishes I once again found delight in AJ's company. He was busy fiddling with an old pair of sunglasses. That is a 'thing' with AJ. He collects sunglasses. He must have thousands of them. This pair was broken and he was making it his mission to fix them. I sat down next to him and for some reason just stared intently. Feeling my eyes on him he slowly looked up at me, "Yes? It there something I can help you with?"

"NO, just watching" I said.

"Oh, you used to do that when you were little you know"

"Do what?"

"Follow me around. You really loved me to death. Oh they all thought Brian was your favorite, but I knew better" I laughed. That made him smile.

"So I used to follow you around huh?"

"Yup, more like stalk Nicky boy. You used to stalk me"

"Tell me a story about when I was little AJ" He dropped his tiny screwdriver on the floor, "Nicky, you are breaking my concentration" I bent down to pick it up for him. He stopped me, "Easy, no bending!" He scolded.

"AJ, no heavy lifting I can bend down to get a stupid screwdriver though"

"No way, If Howie sees you do that he will flip out on me!" The thought of Howie flipping out was appealing. He was fun to watch when he was mad. He wore his anger like something cooking in a microwave. It started from the inside and worked it's way out.

"So, are you gonna tell me a story about when I was younger J?" I asked batting my eyes at him and leaning my head on his shoulder. "Okay fine, let's see...um.." He sat back, my head moving with him. "Okay when you were about five years old, I had a party" I closed my eyes trying to remember all the way back then. "So you would have been fourteen?" I asked.

He clapped, "Yes very good math, now you want me to tell you this story or not?"

"Go ahead I won't interrupt again"

"Okay then" He took a big breath. "I had this party with a ton of people here. Mom was upstairs and dad was at work. They had known about this party forever. And then at the last second, Mom says that I have to watch you!" I shied away from his shoulder, suddenly feeling like a burden. I always felt like a burden when I was little. Like a lost kid with nowhere to go and no one that wanted me around.

"I was pissed, but at the same time I knew this girl I was after at the time, I think her name was Wendy..yeah..Wendy. I knew she would be totally impressed with me if I took care of you"

AJ talked with his hands and he began using them in his story telling. Moving them back and forth and up and down, "I decided that I would have you hand her a flower when she walked in and then tell her this is from my big bwother"

"Bwother?"

"Yes you had a little speech impediment when you were small"

"Oh"

"So, I dress you up in a nice suit and comb your hair and practiced with you over and over again until you got it right"

"I don't remember any of this"

"I thought you weren't going to interrupt me"

"Sorry" He gave me a look and then continued, "Anyway, She comes in and man did she EVER look hot. She had this little mini skirt on and WOW! just WOW!" I laughed. "I pushed you through the crowd of people and off you go over to her. I just stood back and watched. That's when HE walked in!"

"Who?"

"Brian" I bit my bottom lip immediately remembering how this story turned out.

"He comes waltzing in, big studly high school junior, wearing his varsity basketball jacket. Just as you give that flower to Wendy"

He started to shake his head, "She says Awww, hi little guy, you are so cute! Right and then she pinches your cheeks which gets you to laugh. She just stands there ewwing and aaahing. Isn't he cute, how precious. Then your big line comes up" By now he is putting his all in this story. Getting ready for the big finish, "And you say, like your supposed to, This is from my big bwother"

"Yay! Go me"

"Hold on. I'm not finished...So she looks around and says where is he and do you know what you did?"

"I point to Brian"

"Damn right! You point to Brian!" I laughed and he slapped me on the side of my head.

"She says to you, did Brian give you that for ME? And you nod yes! In the meantime Brian comes over to you and picks you up. He calls you Boo" He rolls his eyes, "Then you lean on his chest, with those two stupid fingers in your mouth. I swear Nick, you always had the two middle fingers of your right hand in your mouth"

He moves his hands to his face like he is about to cry, "Then she is smitten with him! TO make things worse, when I see you do that I come running over..thinking maybe it's not too late for me to save this situation. Then when I get there you decide to say at the top of your little lungs, My bwother AJ is smelly!" I clapped my hand over my mouth.

"You were a real riot!"

"So I guess you didn't get the girl in the end then huh?"

"No, but that's okay I heard she became a nun"

"Seriously?"

"No, I just like to make myself think that" I busted out laughing.

"Go ahead, laugh it up pretty boy" I placed my head back on his shoulder.

"Did you like me when I was little? Or did you think I was a pain in the butt?"

"You had your moments. I had my moments. It wasn't easy all the time with Mom being the way she was. I had to take care of you a lot"

"Do you hate me for it?" He moved away from my head and turned on the couch tucking one leg under the other. "No, I don't hate you for it. I hated Mom for it for a long long time. Not you though" I nodded and smiled, "In fact can I be serious for a minute?"

"I don't know can you?" I joked. He fake laughed.

"Remember when I told you about rehab?"

"Yes"

"Well, the main reason I decided to go, was you"

"Really?" I was surprised, waiting for a punchline of some kind.

"Yes, as I roamed around the streets, drugged up and out of it, I thought about you. If I overdosed I wouldn't be able to take care of you"

"Really?"

"Yup... really, It's all because of the damn monster in your closet"

"Pardon?"

"Well, that same night. The night of my party, Brian had come to get some of his clothes. He was spending the night at a friends. You were NOT happy about this" I laughed. I can imagine. I was a little attached to Brian back then.

"Anyway, it must have been around three in the morning when I here a little voice shaking me awake. I turn around and there you are, tears in your eyes looking terrified in those damn Ninja Turtle pajamas you always wore"

"Yeah I remember those. I wore them until they wouldn't fit anymore" He looked over at me with that are you gonna shut up so I can tell my story look again, so I clammed up.

"So, I say Nicky what's wrong and you say through tears, there is a monster in my cwoset. I rolled my eyes thinking please go away I'm tired but you just stood there. So I said there are NO such things as monsters Nicky now go to bed. That's when you started to cry" He sighed and took a deep breath. My head once again found a resting place on his shoulder. "SO I finally say okay let's go see. I get up out of bed and grab your little hand and we go to your room to check out the situation. We get there I turn on the light and I SHOW you that there is absolutely no monster aywhere. That is NOT good enough for you. You say, but Bwian always checks the cwoset and yells at the monster to go away" I started to laugh at his imitation of me. I bet I didn't have a speech impediment at all, I bet he just liked making the voice.

"SO I say okay MONSTER you need to go away now and leave my brother alone! I turned to you and asked you if that was okay and you nod with those fingers in your mouth. I tucked you in and finally got to go back to bed"

"Wow! But I don't get how THAT story got you off drugs and into rehab" He bopped me in the head, "Did I say I was finished?"

"Oh, sorry"

"Anyway, I wake up at five in the morning to go pee and lo and behold what do I see?"

"A monster? See I KNEW there was a monster!"

"Stop being an idiot Nick"

"Okay sorry. What did you see?"

"I saw YOU lying all huddled up in a ball, sound asleep on my floor by MY closet with those fingers in your mouth" He became a little more reflective. "I tapped you to wake up and when your eyes opened I asked you what you were doing there. You said the monster wasn't in my woom anymore so I was afwaid that he came in here. I knew Bwian wasn't here to pwotect you so I came instead" I laughed, "I said you came to protect me from your monster? And you said yes!" He reached behind my back and gave me a hug. "I just thought how cool is that when you know that to THIS kid, who was so sure there WAS a monster, he still comes and sits in here protecting ME. I pulled you into a hug and let you sleep in my bed with me for the rest of the night. You said I wove you Awex and I loved the hell out of you too!"

He became quiet for a minute, almost reflective, "SO, when I was roaming around the streets of Los Angeles this close to overdosing, I thought about you sitting by my closet. What if you needed me to sit by yours again? So I went into rehab, simple as that" He sat up and stretched the sentimental mood away, "So you see, Nicky, even though it might have been a hassle when I was growing up, my need to take care of you and make sure you were okay really saved my life. That's also when I decided to forgive Mom" He looked away then, "I decided that maybe in effect she was like me, that maybe instead of drugs, she turned to loneliness, to ease her pain"

"What about dad?"

"I don't know Nicky, I don't think I can ever really find it in my heart to forgive him. Maybe one day but not now. Not for a while" I nodded and once again placed my head on his shoulder.

Howie had been listening to the entire conversation and decided to come sit down and join us. He was carrying a basket of my laundry, most likely bringing it up from the basement. He refused to let me lift anything heavier than 5 pounds. I think if he was a little bigger, he would have even resorted to carrying me everywhere. Even though I was all better. To him I was still wounded. I always would be.

"Hey D, Come and join our little walk down memory lane" I said to him.

"I remember that story AJ, you were so pissed! You kept saying how life was so unfair"

"Well, it IS unfair"

"What about you Howie? Do you have any stories about me?"

"About a million, but my favorite is your song"

"Oh God, I remember his song" AJ said lifting his head above his head and resting them there.

"What song?"

"You wrote a song when you were about three years old. Called the ouchie song"

"The ouchie song?"

"Yes" Howie started to laugh, "Let's see if I remember it" He began to sing this song to the tune of Mary Had A Little Lamb.

"I give ouchies just like this.." And he pinched me. "Ow!" I yelled,

"Right exactly, that's the whole idea of the song, you sang it and pinched whoever was in your path"

"Wow! I was a real devil wasn't I?"

"Yes" Both Howie and AJ said in unison, I laughed and without even thinking about it, grabbed my stomach. Both brothers grew concerned. "Oh my God are you okay Nicky?" Howie said now hovering over me.

"I am fine"

"Are you sure? Why are you holding your stomach?" He felt my head.

"Gosh, Howie, relax man. You're head is gonna explode"

"Why were you holding your stomach?"

"Because I had some gas!"

"Oh. Okay, I just wanted to make sure" He moved away and relaxed once again. I really scared him to death. I felt bad.

"That's okay D thanks for caring"

"It's my job" I got up and stretched remembering some homework I had neglected. The old me would have not cared, just blown it off, but I was changing. The new me, wanted nothing more to succeed.

"Well guys thanks for sharing those stories with me, but I have homework to do"

"No problem kiddo! See you later"

I shut the door to my room and decided to write the two stories that my brothers had shared with me. I decided maybe it would be fun to expand my little story about them. When I was done I did my homework, the oddest thing happened though, I smiled the entire time. Thinking about my bwothers...

And by doing that, I gained a love for writing. A love I never knew existed..

One Lone Pony Standing In The Snow

I became a writing machine. I never knew I had it in me, but once I did become aware of that fact, I became obsessed by it. Anything I learned, anything I heard, I wrote down. My teachers began not to look at me as the kid that came from that 'crazy' family, but the kid who can write excellent stories. I began to bring my stories to my English teacher to check over. I never told her it was for my therapy sessions. God no! I just told her they were little things I was working on. She read the first one. A short story about AJ and I and the monster who lived in my closet. She took me aside and told me that maybe I should consider writing as a profession. A way to lean in college.

It was the first time any of my teachers even mentioned college. Up until that point, I think they just assumed I would end up working at a pizza place my whole life. Of course, did they assume that or did I?

To inspire me, besides my regular assignments, my teacher would give me situations to write about and a word limit. Nick, I would like you to write me a story about your first Halloween costume. Make it three hundred words. I didn't look at it like extra work, to me it was a release. I had found something I was really good at.

"So Nick, what did your teacher say about your Halloween story?"

"She really liked it. She thought it was funny"

"It WAS funny"

"Thanks" I looked over at Shelby as she was glancing over my A+. Her opinion was very important to me.

"Did you show this to your brothers?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"I think the better question is why?"

"You don't think Howie or AJ would appreciate this story?"

"I don't want to bother them with it" She gave me a look. The look I was growing more and more familiar with. The look that said, okay we will drop this for now, but I will bring it up again. When you least expect it.

"So, do you think you will go into writing for college?"

"Maybe. I really like it. Mrs. Christopher, my English teacher, told me to write an essay and submit it in with my college applications. I think it's too late"

"You do? Why?"

"It's already the end of February. I haven't even applied anywhere yet. People are already hearing back from places"

"It's never too late" I nodded, "Yeah, I guess you're right"

"I think writing an essay is a brilliant idea. Did she give you a topic?"

"No, she just said to make it very introspective"

"Then may I suggest something?"

"Okay"

"How about your Dad?" I looked away from her.

"Nah"

"Why not? Nick I think you need to write about your father. It would do you some good"

"No, it won't. It would just open wounds"

"But Nick, sweetheart, those wounds are still open and bleeding. Let this essay be the band aid"

"I don't know Shelby"

"I do. I can tell this needs to be done. Do it!" She wrote something down on her paper.

"But..."

"Nick, I know this will be hard for you. It will hurt" She bent and reached out her arm to me, placing it on my knee. "It will also heal. Besides, it's just an essay, it's not a confession of love or anything"

"I love my father" I said defensively.

"You do?"

"Of course I do, he is my father"

"So? Nick don't tell me what you think I want to hear. You shouldn't love someone just because he is your blood. You should love someone because you want to. Do you want to love your father?"

"Of course"

"Why?"

"Because...I want him to love me back" She smiled at me then pulled her hand back.

"Have you ever told him that?" I rolled my eyes.

"No. he wouldn't want to hear it. Look, you don't know my father, he is not like a normal guy"

"What do you think he would say if out of the blue you told him you loved him?"

"He would laugh and call me a fag probably" I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands. I felt a headache coming on and my happy fuzzy mood was going away.

We talked for a while longer but then happily my time was up. She reminded me one more time that I had to write an essay about my father for her. Walking to my car, I fumbled with some ideas in my head. I could write a funny one and make dad a caricature of himself. Or I could get my revenge and make him a weakling that ends up lost and alone by the end of the story. So many possibilities. I decided to do the one thing I had to do to make my final decision, I went to visit him.

The home he was living in now was a much nicer happier place. Called The Watchtower. It was a series of buildings set up in an oval shape. The guy who ran the place claimed he was on a mission from God which is why he created it. Of course if it was a mission from God, he sure did charge a pretty penny to live there. I had only been there once before. I came with Howie one day when he had to drop something off for Dad. Medicine or something. I didn't even go in. I waited out in the car as Crazy people surrounded me. Kind of felt like one of those Great Adventure African safaris except substitute the animals for crazy people.

I couldn't believe I actually went alone. I sat in the little parking lot debating with myself if I should just turn around and go home, but finally I decided to go for it. So I went in. The place looked like part nursing home and part hospital. The workers all looked like nurses and the four huge cherry wood tables in the kitchen held many different people. Most were old. Had to be in their nineties. Then there were a bunch of mentally handicapped people. People like my father occupied most of the house. Mentally ill.

The nurse who was handing out dinner, turned towards me and smiled. I looked away when I noticed she was lacking quite a few teeth.

"Who are you here to see doll face?" She asked me. An old man she was placing a dinner in front of, was drooling while staring at me. Old people and crazy people made me nervous. I wanted to just run away, but..

"What the hell are you doing here?" I heard his voice echoing from the back table. Of course all heads turned his way, then back to me.

"You know this adorable kid?" the nurse asked my father.

"Yes, he is my kid"

"Oh! John, you have some very handsome children" She said continuing to hand out dishes of Ham and sweet potatoes.

"I know, they take after me" That made his whole table laugh. I felt my cheeks getting flushed with embarrassment.

"Well, are you just going to stand there like an idiot? Or are you going to come over here?" I walked over hesitantly. Still feeling all of the stares as I approached my dad.

"I'm sorry dad. I didn't realize you were eating. I'll come back some other time"

"No, that's okay. This food sucks ass anyway, come on we can go in my room" I nodded and followed my father as he walked to his room at the end of the hall. He had a room mate who was about 76 years old. He had an oxygen tank next to his bed, which he always had to be attached to except when he smoked. Ironic, but true. Luckily he was at dinner so we found ourselves alone. He took a seat on his bed and I sat across from him on a chair.

I felt uncomfortable. So I started to fidget. "Sit still!" He yelled at me.

"Sorry"

"So, why are you here? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah dad. everything's fine"

"Feeling alright?"

"Uh huh"

"Good"

"I was just wondering, I am kind of writing an essay for school"

"Did you bring me any smokes?"

"No"

"Okay, do you have a few dollars I could borrow?" I reached in my pocket and took out three crumpled up one dollar bills. He smiled when he saw them. He was happy to see them. Not so much to see me. Yup I had made a huge mistake. He placed the money in his pocket.

"Anyway, I was saying I am writing this essay and I wanted to write it on you"

"Okay whatever"

"Um..okay well I was wondering if maybe you could tell me a story about when you were little"

"Hey could you move over so I can see the television?" I scooted my chair over. He began to intently watch Full House, of course on mute. I didn't know what to do. Do I just say forget about it? Or do I keep bugging him? I had no idea so I just sat and watched him watching Full House.

Neither of us said a word for a little while. It felt like hours to me, especially since I was hungry. Also I was certain that soon Sarah would be worried because I hadn't retuned home.

"I always wanted a pony" My father suddenly said out of the blue.

"You did?"

"Yes. Always wanted one but never got one"

"You lived in the Bronx dad. I hardly think you could raise a pony there"

"Doesn't matter. Even if I lived on a farm. My father would never let me have one"

"Why?"

"Because he didn't want me to be happy. You think I'm an asshole Nicky! you should have met your grandfather. He was one tough son of a bitch!"

"I don't think you're an asshole dad" He looked over at me and winked.

"So, when we used to go to the Catskills"

"You did? On vacation?"

"Yup every damn summer like clock work. Your uncle Sam lived up there"

"Oh"

"So, Sam and Gloria owned a farm and they had some horses. I used to pretend that one of the ponies was mine"

"Oh"

"Lightning"

"That's what you called him?"

"Yes dumbass! That's what I called him"

"I used to look forward to seeing him every single summer. It became the one highlight in my otherwise monotonous life" He was telling me this story while still staring at the muted television.

"When Sam died, we went up in the dead of winter. There was snow all over the damn place. Snow and relatives" He chuckled. "I hated my family. Anyway, we all go to Gloria's house after the funeral. I am being totally ignored by everyone. So, I decide to go out to the barn and look for Lightning" I nodded. He closed his eyes.

"He was out in the middle of all the snow, prancing around. Licking it up and taking it all in" He then turned the TV off and gave me his full attention, "I wanted to run over to that damn horse, jump on his back and ride away. Far away. You know the crazy thing? I think he wanted me to it too" I looked down at the ground. Had he ever opened up to me like this before? Had I ever let him?

"I don't think they ever gave him enough attention. I would have though"

"Why didn't you go?" I asked him in a whisper.

"Because when I got to wherever I was running to, nothing would change. Only the fact that now I would have a damn horse to feed" He put the television back on and snapped back into his normal character. "Ah well, don't you think you should be getting home? I mean I can only take so much of you" I stood up and put on my jacket.

I realized that I didn't have to make him a weakling who ends up lost and alone because in many ways, that's who he was. I turned to him just then, "Dad, I just wanted to say that.." He looked up at me from his bed. "Um.. I..I.."

"What? Stop stuttering you sound like a retard!"

"I..um.."

"What? Spit it out boy!"

"Um..it's nothing. Thanks for telling me the story" I then pat his shoulder and walked out. The toothless nurse smiled at me as I left. I think if I was closer she might have actually pinched my ass or something. A pony ...

"So you couldn't do it huh?" Shelby asked me on my next visit.

"No. I almost did. It was on the tip of my tongue, but the words wouldn't come out"

"Why do you think that is?"

"Not sure really. I think he really needed to hear it, but I couldn't deliver"

"Maybe you were afraid he wouldn't reciprocate"

"Probably" I admitted. I had really wanted to tell him I loved him. The words just wouldn't come out.

"I am proud of you for trying though and for going to see him"

"Thanks"

"This is also an extraordinary essay. You should really consider putting it in your applications" She handed it back to me.

"Thanks. I think I just might"

"Love the title too, One Lone Pony Standing In The Snow"

"Yeah I do too" I said. Just like Dad in many ways, I found myself searching for my pony to take me away to a better place. It was too late for him but maybe there was one waiting for me somewhere...

A love that I hoped would get me into college...

The Application Process

The rest of February and most of March was devoted to filling out college applications. All of my siblings with the exception of AJ, actually graduated from college. No small feat when you stop and think about the upbringing we all had. I was so unsure of what to do, but thank goodness, because of Howie and lot's of advice from Brian and Kevin on the phone, I was able to understand the whole application process.

Some of the stuff the various colleges wanted me to submit was just plain ridiculous. Some wanted just about everything except for a vile of blood, while others were just happy for your name written in crayon. Who knew the process was so long and complicated. Another thing I had to do, now that I knew I was going to go to college, was to narrow down where exactly I wanted to be.

There were so many to chose from. Did I want location or quality? Did price make a difference? Or do I do what Brent and Mark did, which was put all the party schools on their lists. Brent had made up his mind I think in about eighth grade that he was going to Florida State only because he had seen an MTV spring break special where lot's of girls were showing their boobs to everyone. I'm sure that would make his Mom and Dad proud.

I had narrowed my list down to about six schools. Three of which were based on location, UCLA which was very close to where AJ and Sarah lived but also very hard to get in to, Vanderbilt to be close to Kevin, and University of Georgia obviously because of Brian. The other two I picked were more for their reputation, American University in Washington and Boston University. The sixth one was Penn State, to stay relatively close to Howie.

All of them with the exception of Maybe The Georgia one, would be tough to get in to. A challenge. When I brought the list to my guidance counselor, he looked them over and said maybe I should consider Lehigh instead. He didn't think I should waste money on the application fees. I probably wouldn't get in anyway right? What a jerk!

Shelby, thank goodness, was a little more helpful with me. After flat out calling my guidance counselor a horses ass, she then sat with me and told me I could do ANYTHING I put my mind to. She was also quick to note that I knew that already. I'm not sure how right she was about that one, but I was trying.

So I put my mind to getting into at least three of those places. I made myself a checklist of all the things I would need. Letters or Recommendation, transcripts, essays, etc., and then I went to work on it all.

I laid everything out on my kitchen table and made it my mission to work on one application a night until I got them all done. Tonight was Vanderbilt night. After dinner I sat there studiously reading and filling out my application. For this one, to get in, I had to write a piddily essay on what America means to me. I also decided to include my Pony one too.

I was concentrating so intently on what I was doing that I didn't even notice Howie come in and take a seat next to me. He had picked up my essay I had written about my Father and was reading it, while I continued to fill out the endless forms. I heard him turn the page which made me look up.

"Hi D" I said before I noticed what he was reading. I went to take it out of his hands.

"What" He said holding it away from me, "Let me finish this" I moved my hand away but fidgeted uneasily while he read. I had never let my family read my stories before. I liked it that way.

When he was done, he just sat there, quiet and staring at the last page. It was hard to read his face, so I looked away. The last thing I needed was for Howie to say how dumb it was. I might just throw it out and call it a day. The truth is, I didn't want to ever show them my stuff because their opinion meant so much to me. Too much sometimes, which is another thing that Shelby and I have been working on.

"Wow, Nicky, that was beautiful" He finally said in an awed whisper. "I never knew you could write like that"

"Really? You thought it was good?" He put the paper down, "Good? Nicky it was better than good. It was brilliant"

"Oh stop, you are just..."

"No! I am being totally serious. Did you make this stuff up about Dad and the horse?"

"No, not entirely, I mean he told me the story but then I made up some of things around it"

"He told you this story?" Howie looked shocked.

"Yeah"

"When?"

"When I went to visit him"

"You went to visit him?" Now he looked like he was going to pass out from shock.

"Yes. Shelby asked me to write a story about Dad so I decided to go straight to the source"

"I am so impressed with you Nick! I mean it. You never cease to amaze me" He said then pulled me close to him and kissed the top of my head.

"God Howie, jeez, that was gross!" Howie laughed but continued to look at me with a new sense of admiration. I liked that.

"Can I show this to AJ?" He asked picking up my story once again.

"I guess so, but tell him not to laugh at me okay?"

"He won't laugh" Howie said and then he disappeared into the living room. I turned back to my application. They wanted me to write an essay on Why did I want to go to college? Do they actually read the answers to this question? I mean why include that in an application. The phone rang which happily made me get up and stretch. After the third ring I picked it up,

"Hello?"

"Hey Boo!" I smiled hearing Brian's voice.

"Hi Bri!"

"How are you doing?"

"Good"

"How's the tummy?"

"Tummy? Did you just say tummy?" I asked making fun of him.

"Shut up! Stomach, is that better smart ass?" I laughed.

"I'm totally fine"

"Good"

"What about you?"

"We're good here too, I actually called because I wanted to ask you something"

"Okay what it is?"

"Leigh and I were wondering if you would like to come to our house for Easter this year?" I smiled.

"I would love to Brian... but I can't afford it now that stupid Kevin made me cut my hours at work, I am always poor" He laughed. I really wanted to go though. I missed him to death. The last time he was hear I was too sick to enjoy his company.

"Well, it just so happens that stupid Kevin decided to pay for a ticket for you to come out here"

"He did?"

"Yes, he told me you would say what you said. He knew you wouldn't have the money so he said Happy Easter from him. He is coming too"

"He is?"

"Yup with Kris and the kids"

"Excellent. But what about Howie and AJ?"

"They are going to stay up there with dad" Once again they had all obviously talked about this without bothering to consult me.

"Are you Leigh wouldn't mind me coming up there?"

"It's down there, not up there and yes I am sure that Leighanne wouldn't mind. She is the one that suggested it"

"So, are you saying that YOU don't want me there then?"

"Nick! I will speak slowly so what I am saying will register in that stubborn brain of yours, I, Brian Carter, want you Nick Carter to come spend some time with me. Jeez Louise!" I laughed as he went on. I loved teasing him.

"Well, when you put it that way, of course I'm coming" He clapped on the other line and let out a phony sigh.

"Great, I didn't think you would say yes" He mocked disgust at my reply, but I knew he was only kidding. Would I have really known that a month ago? No way. I would have got off the phone with him, ran up to my room and balled. Maybe I was getting better?

"SO, Kevin said he mailed you the ticket already, so it should come in the mail by the end of the week"

"But what if I had said no"

"Come on Boo Boo we all know you better than that. I know you can't resist an opportunity to see me. Your favorite brother"

"Nah, actually I just want to see my nieces"

"Drats! Foiled again" I laughed.

"Thanks Brian"

"Don't thank me..you should call Kevin and thank him but wait until you get the ticket because...well.. I'm not sure if he wanted me to tell you or not"

"Okay"

"I gotta go, but I'll see you in a few weeks Nicky"

"Yeah I'm excited. Talk to you later. I love you"

"I love you too Boo"

"Who do you love?" AJ said coming up behind me and scaring the holy hell out of me. He laughed when I jumped.

"That was Brian. He invited me to his place for Easter"

"What? How come I didn't get an invite? Am I chopped liver or something?"

"Apparently" He grunted but then handed me my story about Dad. "Howie gave me this to read. I thought it was done by a professional. I was surprised when he said you wrote it. God Nick it was very good"

"Thanks" Wow, AJ gave me a compliment. That just about never happens.

"Damn near brought my wife to tears"

"I'm glad you guys liked it"

He grabbed my arms, for a minute I thought he was going to throw me or something but he just looked at me very seriously, "Nick, you are really turning out to be one hell of a kid... do you know that?" He winked and let me go.

When he walked away I couldn't help but smile. It stayed plastered on my face while I finished my application to Vanderbilt and continued to remain s I started my UCLA one. I finished two applications that night. And the only reason I was able to was because of the delight in knowing that maybe I could actually do this after all. With my family on my side there was no possible way I could fail...