Fading by Chaos
Summary: Another of my "Xander Angst" fics. Written 4/14/2000.
Categories: Fanfiction > TV Series > Buffy the Vampire Slayer Characters: Xander
Genres: Angst
Warnings: None
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 2639 Read: 720 Published: 08/17/04 Updated: 08/17/04

1. Fading by Chaos

Fading by Chaos
I'm in the midst of moving some of my older stories to this site (kinda closing up shop at it's old website location) So...this fic was written 4+ years ago. Forgive me, I was going through a period of "Xander Angst" writings...lol.

I wonder if I'm really screwing up Marci Ross's life.

I think a lot about her these days. I wonder if, wherever she is, my thoughts have revoked her invisible status.

Or maybe it doesn't work like that. Maybe once you become invisible that's it, it's over, and you don't get a chance to come back. I wonder if she's come to terms with that, or if she's still bitter. I also wonder if she knew right away when it happened, or if it was a gradual thing and she didn't even realize it until she was completely gone. I wonder if she could feel it happening and if she did anything to try and stop it. Or maybe she knew, but kept hoping that someone else would notice and bring her back from the edge. Was she scared? Or maybe she wasn't scared because she was just so sure that someone would start *seeing* her.

Did she have friends that let her get lost in the crowd? Did they ever think about her after she disappeared?

Maybe I'm the only one who ever thinks about her. Maybe I'm the only one who understands her.

I didn't understand her back in sophomore year. I don't even remember what she was like before she turned invisible. And I never thought about her at all after that whole thing during the Spring Festival.

At least I never thought about her until recently.

And now I can't get her out of my mind.

Because I can feel myself fading.

At first I didn't even notice. And then I thought it was just my imagination. All my friends were just starting college or moving away from me. I just figured that things would go back to normal once they were settled. But now, I know it's happening, and it's not just me being paranoid. I just don't know how to stop it.

I wonder if Marci ever felt like this. I hope that when the time comes that I don't have as much anger as she did. I hope I don't start blaming everyone else for my condition. It's not their fault…not really. I know if I told Willow or Buffy how I felt that they would help me. But how do you tell your friends that you feel so alone when you're always with them?

But I'm not with them always anymore. They've moved on. Buffy's got Riley. Willow's got O-Willow's got that new friend of hers from that Wicca group. Cordelia's simply…gone. And I don't blame them. They don't need me anymore. And it's not like I'm just sitting here alone, either. I have Anya.

I glance at the ex-vengeance demon sleeping beside me. She's my only real link to the world right now. I wish I could say that that brings me comfort, that I still have her. But that terrifies me even more. Because I don't think she really sees *me*, either. I start to reach out to stroke her hair, but stop myself short, not sure if she likes it when I do that. I don't even really know her. It's not that I don't want to know her, but we've never really just sat and talked. She's not the talking sort. And I guess I'm not either. I used to be. Willow and I could talk about anything.

That's not true, either, I realize. Willow could talk about anything. And of course I would listen, and I'd be there for her. But I never really let her be there for me. I would talk to her, but it was never about anything that was really important to me. I never told her when I was confused about anything more serious than the latest math assignment. I never told her when I was scared. I haven't told her about how much I miss her, even when she's right there in front of me. We don't really know each other anymore. And I don't think she even realizes it.

I very carefully slip out from under the sheets, trying not to disturb Anya. I don't want to wake her. I want to go for a walk, and I don't want her along to remind me just how alone I am. Besides, she would absolutely never understand if I tried to tell her how I really feel. I can actually hear her saying, "That's stupid. You are with me. How can you be alone if you are with me?" in the matter-of-fact voice she always uses whenever she doesn't understand me, and doesn't even really want to try. I don't need that right now. I need someone who would understand.

I need Marci Ross. But how does one go about finding someone who is invisible? Will anyone ever ask that about me when I'm gone?

I'm not even sure where to start.

I quickly dress, then turn to look once more at Anya. Maybe I should at least wake her and try to let her know I'm going out for a while. I sit on the edge of the bed and gently tuck the sheet around her. She stirs and her eyes flutter open.

"I'm going out for a while," I tell her softly.

"Good night, Xander," she murmurs, sleepily.

"Goodbye, Anya," I whisper back, leaning down to kiss her forehead. She wrinkles her nose, obviously not appreciating the gesture, and lets her eyes drift shut again.

I watch her sleep for a moment longer, then quietly slip from the room. Goodbye, Anya, I repeat again silently.

I'm not even sure where I'm going until I find myself standing in front of Sunnydale High School. Or rather what's left of it. Things were so much easier when we were all still going there. At least then I felt like I was a part of something.

Well. Most of the time, anyway. A thought is trying to form, but I really don't want to deal with it yet, so I try to distract myself by concentrating on finding the quad. I walk through the rubble until I reach the nearly non-existent clearing. There's debris everywhere, but there's still some of the stuff that I remember. I stretch out on one of the remaining lunch tables and stare up at the stars. Once I do that, I can't stop the thought from breaking into my consciousness.

I was fading even before graduation. I just hadn't realized it yet. It didn't really hit me at all until I'd gotten back from my trip to find that my parents had moved me into the basement so that even they wouldn't have to be constantly reminded that I exist. That's the first time that I was aware of it, but I think it started the night that Cordelia got hurt. The night that I screwed things up so badly with her…and Willow. In one fell swoop I destroyed my two strongest relationships. God, if only that had been a real death impending situation. I really had thought that we were going to die, and somehow it just had seemed right to die kissing Willow. But then Cordy was there and…

After that, there was no one really watching out for me anymore. Cordelia didn't care to--not that I blame her--and Willow…she had her own life to worry about. And Buffy had Angel and slaying to worry about. Nobody ever realized how alone I was. I hinted to them a few times…like Christmas Eve. But no one ever really heard me, and it's not the sort of thing that I wanted to just blurt out. It's humiliating having to ask your friends to pay attention to you and include you in their lives.

But I should have. Then I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in now.

That's not true. I would be. Because they *know* that's how I feel. I flat out told them. Okay, so I didn't think they could hear me at the time, but they heard it anyway. That night when we faced the fear demon and I turned invisible…none of them ever bothered to find out why I feared that. None of them gave it so much as a second thought.

Typical.

God, I have to stop thinking like this!

I roll off the table and start walking. I don't know where I'm going, but I have to keep moving. I have to think about something else. I'm not going to get angry. I'm not going to be like Marci Ross. I'm not going to blame everyone else for my condition.

I just don't want to think about it anymore. Maybe I can make my mind just go blank. And I try to do just that as I walk, not really even paying attention to where I'm going.

I don't even realize where I'm going until I find myself in front of Giles' house. Maybe there's something world-threatening going on and I can pass a few hours trying to help. I wonder what time it is, and if he's awake.

I wonder if Giles feels like I do, if he's fading, too.

I peek in the window, trying to tell if there's any activity going on inside.

There is. Buffy, Willow, and Riley are all there with him. He's reading them something. About whatever world-threatening event is about to take place, I'm sure. Of course he's not fading. They still need him. But they didn't even bother to call me. Anya and I were there all night. I wonder if they even consider it anymore. Calling me.

I sit down on the curb, trying to decide what to do. Should I knock? They didn't invite me. And it's not like they really need me for anything. It's not like I bring anything crucial to the meetings. Except the donuts. Things are exactly the same as they were a year ago, except that now I don't even have school to keep me in the loop. I'm not even the weapons expert anymore. Riley knows so much more than I do about that stuff. And he can fight. They don't have to worry about him getting hurt. They need him more than I've ever been needed. Or wanted. They don't purposely keep him out of stuff for fear that he'll screw it up.

I should just go home and get some sleep. I'll probably feel better in the morning. Willow will probably realize that she hasn't talked to me for a while and will call. Or maybe Riley will be busy and Buffy will want someone to back her up or something. And of course Anya is there.

"Xander? Is that you?"

I glance up and see Willow walking toward me. She looks worried.

She's worried about me! I jump to my feet and head toward her, smiling until I realize that she's got a cross in her hand and is clutching it tightly. Oh. Disappointment overwhelms me. She's worried to see me out here alone in the middle of the night.

I pull out my cross and wave it at her like it's a secret club membership card. She smiles and relaxes. But she continues to stare at me for a moment.

"Is something wrong?" she asks, putting on her best concerned-face.

No. Nothing's wrong. I'm just fading. I shake my head and force myself to keep smiling. I don't really trust myself to say anything yet. I'll only say something I'll regret. Like how scared I am and how much I need her to *see* me.

"Walk me home?" she asks.

I nod.

"You didn't lose your voice again, did you?" she asks, still seemingly worried.

"No."

She smiles then, obviously thinking that I'm okay. Because when am I ever *not* okay?

She puts an arm around my waist and waits for me to drape my arm over her shoulders so we can walk closely, side-by-side. And she starts to talk. About her classes. About Tara. About Buffy and Riley. About stuff that she could be talking about with pretty much anyone and it wouldn't make a difference. The conversation never dips below the casual level like it used to without any second thoughts.

I listen, though. It's just good to have someone talking to me. Or at least at me. And it's good to be close to someone.

We reach the dorms and Willow slides out from under my arm. "Thanks," she smiles at me. "I have to get up really early and Buffy and Riley still were going out to patrol." I realize that she's dismissing me. She's not asking me to come up to her room for one of our late night gab sessions like she used to. Not that I really expected her to. I probably would have turned her down and gone home to get some sleep anyway, but it would have been nice to be asked. As it is, now it feels like all I was was someone to keep her company and protect her on the way home. It wouldn't have mattered who. It really could have been anyone.

And now she's gone.

Just like that. Like she couldn't wait to get away from me.

I feel even more alone than I did before.

As I turn to leave, I notice something shining on the sidewalk. A quarter. I reach down to pick it up and nearly scream. I can't see my hand three inches in front of my face. And it's not because it's dark.

It really happened.

I faded.

I look down at where my other hand should be and there's nothing there. No hands, no legs, no feet. Nothing. I'm just…gone.

"Willow!" I try to scream, but no sound emerges. Oh, God, I should have told her. I should have just blurted it out. I need you! Help me!

Were you this frightened when it happened to you, Marci? I knew it was coming, but to have it actually happen…

"Xander?" I hear Willow cautiously calling my name and look up. She's standing in the doorway, looking out nervously.

"Will?" I call, not sure if she can hear me or not.

"Do you…want to come up for a while?" she asks nervously. "Just…talk?"

I glance back at my hand and am relieved to see it this time.

Yes, a thousand times, yes! "I'd…really like that." I answer and race up the steps toward her.

She smiles in relief and throws her arms around me, hugging me. "I've really missed you."

You and me both.

No offence, Marci, but I really hope I never think of you again.
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