Prolouge


Life changes. People change. Everything about life changes. Change is an envitable. No matter how we attempt to prevent it, change happens. Some people deal well with change, while others, like myself, can't handel it at all. I hate having the world that I've grown accoustom to, which makes me feel safe, change. It seems just as I become comfortable with the way things are going, something happens which changes the course of the road before me. I no longer know, or feel comfortable with, where my life is taking me. Yeah, sometimes change is good, but what about when that changes hurts people?

Too many painful feelings come along with change. There's the feeling of loss. Think about it, you've lost the consistancy that your life once had. There's no routine that you can rely on to help make you feel better. Fear is something that comes along with all of this as well. Though that was obvious. I mean, if you had your life ripped out from under you, I'm sure you would be scared and confussed too. No security, physically or mentally. It's like being a baby all over again. You need someone to help you do everything. You're completely helpless. I can't even begin to explain how bad a feeling this is for me.

You would think that a person would love to have someone do everything for them, but it's a different story when somone's doing it because the people you care most about think that you can't take care of yourself. It makes you feel worthless. I can still do a lot of things for myself, but I just can't seem to convince anyone that I'm capable enough. I guess I'm finally getting what I want, no more changes.

Chapter 1

Nick looked into the distance of the view outside of his beach front property. Something about the sight, the sound and the smell of the ocean was soothing for his soul. He just continued to stare into nothing for what seemed liked forever. He had finally found himself at peace. Relaxation for him was far from average. Lately, even with his time off, he couldn't find a way to let out his stress and make him happy. Too many things were going wrong in his life.

A tear rolled down his check, it wasn't the first but one in a series of many. He lifted his hand to brush it away. A breeze softly blew his hair. The breeze felt coll against his tear soaked skin. A small cough escaped his lips. He took a deep breath and the tears once again began to stream down his face.

"Nick what are you doing to yourself man?" Brian asked when he walked over to Nick who didn't see him coming.

"What are you talking about?" Nick replied, trying to pull himself together. He turned to Brian for the first time since he had arrived.

"I mean this. You're standing out here crying. At first it was good for you to do, but that was in the beginning. But it's been almost six months," Brian argued.

"Brian you don't know how I feel!" Nick yelled.

"Look, you just need to get over this," Brian said calmly, "you're still young."

"But I loved her."

"I understand that but she's gone. You have to get yourself together."

"But it was my fault."

"Nick, you couldn't have prevented what happened. There wasn't anything that could have been done or that you could have done."

"I should have died Brian, not her."

"You weren't in control of that, a higher force was."

"But I was driving. I lost control of the car, I should have been the one killed."

"Nick it wasn't your time."

"But why was it her time?"

"I don't know Nick, no one knows."

"Brian I should have died. She didn't desirve it."

"Neither did you."

"But I was driving," Nick protested.

"Nick is doesn't matter. It happened and there is nothing that you can do to change it."

"Get out Brian! I don't wanna hear that shit! If I had been paying attention to the road this all could have been avoided. I was the stupid jerk that made the mistake but she paid for it. So just get the fuck out of my house!" Nick yelled.

"I'm not leaving," he told Nick sternly.

"This is my house and I want you out now!"

"You can't keep pushing everyone away like this. We're trying to help you."

"None of you can help me. There's no way to bring her back."

"And that's why you have to move on," Brian yelled, "no matter what you say or what you do, it's not going to change that night. She's dead and doing this to yourself is only making it worse."

"Leave," Nick whispered through his tears.

"No," Brian answered softly, "I'm staying for a little while to make sure that you're going to be alright."

"I've been alright for the past six months. Besides I don't need a god damn babysitter! I just want to be left alone. Why can't you understand that?"

"Because we did leave you alone, for the past six months. We let you stay here and cry and blame yourself, but now it's time to get back to normal. Staying here like this isn't making you feel any better. We're all worried about you man. You're hurt, we know, but you can't begin to heal until you accept this loss and let you life go back to the way it was. That's the right thing to do and you know it."

"I can't do that," Nick answered as he sat on the ground, "something in my heart just won't let me. It doesn't feel right. If she's not around, dead because of me, then it would be wrong to be happy. I took that away from her, so I don't desirve to feel joy or happiness."

"Nick it was an accident. I'm sure that she's forgiven you. She's in heaven right now wanting you to stop feeling so guilty. I'm sure that she knows that you were willing to do anything to save her. You just have to forgive yourself now."

"Someone is dead because of me. If you were in my shoes, I know you would feel just as guilty. You were the one behind the wheel but you survived and your only passanger, the love of your life, was killed. You would be crushed because the person is never coming back, but then you realize, you killed them. It was all your fault."

"It's not your fault Nick. There was nothing that you could have done differently that could have saved her."

"I could have died. I should have died."

"Nick come on. Come with me to AJ's house. Just so you can get out of here for a little while. You don't have to stay long, just a few minutes. I think it will help you heal a little bit."

"Alright fine, but only for a few minutes," Nick answered Brian reluctantly.

"A few minutes," Brian repeated.

Chapter 2

Brian looked over at Nick who was staring out of the window of the car. He still had tears streaming down his face. Brian felt so bad for Nick, he didn't desirve all of this pain. All of this was so sudden that Nick had no way of preparing himself emotionally. Then again, who could ever know when they are going to lose someone in such a tradgic and heartbreaking manner. The thing that bothered Brian the most was that this happened almost six months ago and Nick was still blaming himself.

Right after it happened, they all thought that it was natural for him to be taking some guilt but it started to go too far. He let the guilt control his life and his health.He had become sick so many times in the past six months that it didn't even bother him as much as it used to in the beginning. Nick was used to the depression, he didn't even fight it off any more. It was like he lost all of his strength in trying to prevent it that when it happened, there was nothing left in him to overcome it.

Brian looked over at Nick again when he pulled up to a red light. Nicks face was pale and expressionless. His eyes were clouded over with sadness and self hatred. No one blamed Nick for what happened. He just decided that it was his fault began to blame himself. All of the guys had takenthere turns at trying to convince him other wise but they all eventually gave up. Brian wasn't about to do that to his best friend. Especially not in his time of need. Nick needed someone to be there for him.

"We're almost there," Brian said. Nick looked at him but didn't say anything, "what's on your mind?"

"Nothing," Nick answered.

"You sure? I mean you can talk to me if you want to. I'm just trying to help you."

"I don't have anything to say."

"Well, you remember if you ever need to talk, don't hesitate about calling me. Or any of us actually. We just want to help you feel better," Brian said as he pulled his car over and stopped.

"What are you doing? We're not at AJ's yet," Nick asked confussed.

"Look, I need you to talk to me. I can't take waiting for you any more. Nick I want to help you make things feel good again. I want to see you smile again. I want to see you happy."

"But I’m not happy Brian and I don’t know why you’re wasting your time like this. You can’t make me feel better. I killed someone I loved. I’m never going to be able to replace her. I took her away from myself. I just wasn’t meant to be happy, so get over it."

"No Nick, why don’t you get over it," Brian snapped, "You didn’t kill her. You were hit on the passanger side of your car by a drunk driver. You had nothing to do with her death. He was speeding and not following road rules. He was the one that wasn’t clear minded enough to be on the road. Nick you had no part in her death. You didn’t see the car coming. There was nothing that you could have done so please stop blaming yourself."

"I could have been more careful," Nick replied tearfully, "If I had been paying more attention to the road.."

"Stop," Brian told him, "Listen to me. Nick, you didn’t kill her. You had nothing to do with that. You understand me? You can’t change what happened but you can help yourself get better. She would want that for you. She needs you to move on."

"It’s easy for you to tell me to move on. You still have your wife. You can still tell her how much you love her. Her scent still fills your house. You can still touch her and she can touch you. She’s still there to tell you everything is going to be fine. To hold your hand and just be there," Nick told him, "I don’t have any of that any more."

"What about Tyler?" Brian asked. Tyler was the son that Nick had with her.

"I haven’t seen him since before she died. Her parents took custody of him when they saw the condition I was in. They didn’t think my keeping him was a good idea so they took me to court and I lost."

"I think you need him. If he was around you still might feel connected to her," Brian said softly, "It would help you heal."

"Well, that's not what they thought," Nick replied.

"Do you at least have visitation?"

"Yeah."

"Have you gone to see him?"

"No, I haven't been able to bring myself to doing that."

"When you get home, I think you should give them a call. Maybe you can see if Tyler can spend sometime with you. He has the right to know his father and you have the right to know your son," Brian told him.

"Yeah, well they took him from me because they didn't think I was be able to take care of him. I can't totally argue with them. I can hardly take care of myself."

"I can help. He is my god son after all and you're my best friend. You can make it work, I'm sure you can," Brian told him.

"Problem is, getting him back. I don't they're just going to hand him over. It might go to court and I doubt if I'm ready for that," Nick explained.

"Then start off slow. When they feel he'd be better off with you, they'll let you take him."

"I guess that would be a good idea. I do miss him a lot and I want to see him grow up. All I have of him is a bunch of pictures which help, but I want the real thing."

"How about on the way back from AJ's, we go drop by their house and see if we can get Tyler. I can spend the night with you two, It'll be a lot of fun."

"If we can get him," Nick pointed out.

"I'm sure we will," Brian answered and start to drive off towards AJ's house.

Chapter 3

"It was great to see you, Kaos," AJ said as Nick and Brian headed to the door, "we were all real worried about you man. I'm glad that you're feeling better. The old Nick will be back in no time."

"Don't count on that," Nick replied, "I'll never be who I was before. Too much has happened. Will you settle for a close to normal Nick though?"

"As long as you're alright," AJ told him. Brian smiled at them. The conversation about Tyler really helped Nick feel better.

"We'll see you J," Brian interupted, "we've got something important to do."

"Alright see you guys around," he replied as Nick and Brian walked through the front door.

"Do you think they'll give us Tyler?" Nick asked. Brian smiled. He could tell how excited Nick was about the chance of seeing his son. It was what he needed.

"I'm sure that they will."

"Alright, let's get going," Nick answered.

The ride to pick up Tyler was silent. They were both secretly hoping that they could get Tyler. Brian knew that this was one of the last of the good in Nicks life. If he could get Nick to be happy, things would be better. Nick wouldn't be depressed. That was something that he felt too much of. It was time to put it to an end.

"We're here," Brian said as he stopped his car in the driveway. He looked over at Nick, "You ready for this man?"

"Of course I am, Lets go get my son," he answered as he opened the door to the car and stepped out. Brian walked out of the car and over towards Nick who was heading for the front door. "Here goes nothing," Nick said and rang the bell.

"Daddy!" Tyler yelled when he opened the door and saw Nick standing there. Nick smiled and picked him up and hugged him. Brian smiled at the sight.

"I missed you kid," Nick said to him.

"Tyler who was it?" a female voice yelled and soon showed at the door, "Nick?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry that I didn't call, I just had to see him."

"What kept you for so long?" she asked.

"I had to pull myself together. Now that I have, I want to spend time with my little man here," Nick said smiling at Tyler.

"Does that mean I can go home grandma?" Tyler asked with his blue eyes lighting up brightly. Brian noticed that Nicks were too.

"If your father wants you too," she answered looking at Nick seriously. He looked at Tyler and smiled. Tyler smiled back.

"Go get your things," Nick told him. Tylers eyes became even brighter as he ran to get his stuff.

"Are you sure that you want to take him?" she asked.

"Yeah, I've been away from him for too long," he replied, "I just want to make up for lost time. I am sorry that I never came before today."

"Be good to him. Tyler is my only grandson," she told Nick.

"And he's my only son. He'll be fine, I promise."

"Lets go daddy," Tyler yelled as he attempted to drag his bag out of the house. Nick smiled at him and walked into the house and over to Tyler.

"Let me get this Ty," Nick said picking up Tylers bag. He looked up at Nick.

"I had it ya know," he informed Nick. Brian let a small laugh escape his lops. Nick just stood there and smiled.

"Come here you," Nick said taking Tyler, squealing in delight, under his free arm and walked him out the front door. Nick put him down and went to put the bag in the trunk. Tyler ran up to his grandmother.

"Love you grandma," he said as she kissed his cheek.

"Be good for daddy alright?"

"Yes, grandma," he said.

"Now go," she said and he ran towards Brians car. Nick helped him in and Brian turned to Tylers grandmother.

"Thank you for letting Nick take him," Brian said, "Tyler is really important to him even though it didn't look like that. You had to see the look on Nicks face when I suggested this. He was so happy and excited."

"Tyler needs his father. He already lost his mother. I let him go so easily because he's been asking about Nick. He wanted to know where daddy was. I couldn't say no when Nick came. Tyler needs this."

"Never the less, thank you for the chance for Nick to do this. It really means a lot to him," Brian explained, "It makes him feel close to her."

"Make sure that he takes care of Tyler."

"Alright, but I'm sure that Nick is going to take good care of him," Brian responded.

"Thank you."

"Brian!" Nick yelled, "we're waitin for ya man!"

"I've got to go," Brian said and smiled, "I drove. But thanks again for letting Nick do this. Personally, I think it will help in the healing process."

"Brian, we're waiting man," Nick yelled out of the window. Brian laughed and smiled. He was extremely relieved that Nick was feeling so much better.

"I'm coming relax," Brian replied and walked over to the car. Tylers grandmother was still standing in the doorway watching them closely. She remained there, just watching, until they had driven far enough away that they couldn't see her anymore.

"We home yet daddy?" Tyler asked egarly from the back seat. Nick smiled and turned to face the back seat of the car.

"Not yet man," he answered, "but soon."

"Is mommy going to be there?" he asked innocently. Brian looked quickly over at Nick. He looked as if he was fighting off tears.

"No, sorry," Nick finally forced out.

"Where did she go?"

"To heaven," Nick answered reluctantly. Brian looked at Nick to make sure that he was alright. He was upset but he was hiding it from both Brian and Tyler.

"Why daddy?"

"Because she had to," he told him hoping that this would end the conversation.

"Is she ever coming back?"

"No," Nick answered.

"Why not?"

"Tyler," Brian said, "mommy's in heaven. When you go to heaven, you don't come back."

"Why not? Doesn't she love us?" he asked. Nicks heart broke into a million pieced and he looked at Brian for the answer because he didn't have any words left in him.

"Of course she did. She just had to go away. I'm sure she didn't want to leave you or daddy," he explained, "and I'm also sure she misses you both dearly. I also think that she would want you two to be happy."

"Oh," Tyler said. Both Nick and Brian knew that he didn't completely understand what Brian had meant though he didn't ask any more questions.

Chapter 4

Nick looked into Tylers room where he found his son sleeping peacefully. He smiled. As long as he had his son he was going to be able to make it through this hard time. Tyler was worth the fight that he had to face. Nick walked over and pulled up the blanket to cover Tyler and he smiled yet again and then he bent over to place a soft kiss on Tylers head. Nick sighed and walked out of his sons room.

"How you feeling?" Brian asked as Nick entered the livingroom.

"I'm alright," he said, "but do you think I'm doing the right thing in taking Tyler like this. I wasn't ready for what he was asking in the car. What am I supposed to do if he brings it up again?"

"Just try and talk to him. See what he understands and what he doesn't. Once you've figured that out, then maybe you can think of what to tell him," Brian explained.

"What if he asks why? I haven't even been able to figure that one out. There is no way that I'm going to be able to convince him of something that I have trouble believeing myself."

"Nick, he's still young," Brian reminded.

"Four.." Nick said proudly with a smile on his face. Brian looked at Nick for a moment before making any futher comments.

"When he gets older it will be easier to explain. Also, by that time, I think you'll be one with yourself again. Right now, just give Tyler what he needs. A father. Try and make his life as normal as possible. You'll both feel better," Brian said softly, "you both need each other."

"I never should have let them take Tyler," Nick commented, "it would have been better if he had just stayied with me. We'd both be better off."

"Nick you were so depressed. It wasn't safe for Tyler to be around you at that moment. Though, I must admit that since I brought Tyler up, you've been doing a lot better," Brian commented wondering what it was that Tyler had that made Nick heal so fast.

"He's my son Brian. Our son...." Nick said with his voice traling off.

"She'd be happy that you are so dedicated to Tyler," Brian added hoping to make Nick feel better, "I know she's looking down at you right now and she's smiling. Taking on Tyler was a brave thing to do. She's proud of you Nick."

"Why can't she be proud with me?" he asked with tears starting to fill his eyes as he looked up at Brian who was trying to think of a way to answer his question.

"Because some jerk went out on the road drunk," he told Nick.

"Why did he have to take her away?" Nick asked, "she was so young. We had a family. We were happy."

"I know you were Nick. All of us could see it. Anyone could have easily guessed actually," Brian said getting a small smile from Nicks now tear soaked face, "to tell you the truth, I or no one knows why she died. You just have to be strong and get over this."

"It's hard," Nick whispered.

"I know, but you have all of us. We are all going to be there for you. If you ever need anything, you can all any of us and you know that. If you ever feel that you can't control the pain, give one of us a call and we'll be right over and we'll help you get through it. Alright Bro?" Brian told Nick seriously.

"Thank you," Nick answered looking to the floor.

"You just have to be strong. It's not just for you any more but for Tyler as well. He needs you to be strong," Brian told him.

"I know, but there are going to times where I have to do this," he answered Brian, "I don't want to keep it all inside ya know?"

"Yeah," Brian answered and nodded, "it's better to let it all out instead of keeping it all inside. Just if you feel that it's taking control of you, call me. I'll help you get through it alright? Nothing is too hard when you have friends there to help you."

"I just miss her so much Brian. What am I supposed to do about that?" Nick asked hurtfully.

"There isn't anything that you can do. She's gone and no matter what you do, she's always going to be gone. Missing her is a good thing though. Just think about it, she's never actually gone unless you forget about her. Her memory is something that will always live on."

"Yeah I know," Nick replied through his tears and then looked over at Brian, "I just wish she could be here for Tyler. She would be so proud of him, like I am."

"She's proud of him and you even though she's not here for you to see that she's proud. You just have to believe that alright Nick? Just think, Tyler is the reason that you have to be able to pull yourself through this. I want you to promise me right here, right now, that if you feel that things are getting to hard for you to handle you'll call me," Brian said seriously.

"I promise," Nick answered nodding his head and then wiped his tears away and tried to push aside all of the sadness that he had so that he could pull himself together.

"It's okay to cry though," Brian told him and then Nick looked back up with tears in his eyes but remained silent for a moment.

"I'm just afraid that if I start, then I'm never going to be able to stop. I haven't been able to for six months now," he explained brokenheartedly.

"One day you'll accept it," Brian explained with his voice soft, "until then, you're going to grieve and that's alright. It's alright because it shows how much you cared about the person that you lost. I know how much she meant to you, but you do have to accept that she's gone. I'm not saying that to be mean to you, but, that's what you have to do because you can't sit around here crying all the time especially now that you have Tyler in your life. He needs to see that you can take care of both you and him."

"I know, I know," Nick answered, "thank you Brian for bringing me back to Tyler. He's the only bit of sanity that I have left. Also, thank you for making me go to AJ's, that made me feel a hell of a lot better."

"Hey, you had to do it sometime, I just sped up the process."

"Which helped me a lot, I can't tell you how much just yet because things are still the same but as soon as they get better, I know that I'll have to thank you."

"No you don't cause I was only trying to help you. You would have done the same for me right?"

"Yeah, I would have, at least tried to anyway. I don't know if I would have been very successful because I'm sure that you can tell that I'm not good in these kind of situations."

"And that's alright. Most people can't handle this either. As long as you have someone there for you then things are going to be alright."

"How do you know so much about all of this?" Nick asked, "I've never seen you go through anything like this before."

"I haven't but I know that different people handle death differently than others. That and I knew that you loved her. There was no way in hell that you were going to take this easily. I just did what I thought was the right thing to do at what I felt was the right time and from there, all I could do was pray that whatever it was helped you feel better," he explained.

"Thank you for not giving up on me though man, like the others did."

"They didn't completely give up on you. They just ran out of ideas. Think about it from where we're coming from. Someone is in a lot of pain but doesn't even make the smallest attempt in letting you help them feel better. It gets fustrating. People give up over time because they think that the person is never going to let them in, but I guess, you just have to find that persons weakness. With you, that was Tyler."

"Yeah, I guess so."

Chapter 5

"Daddy!" Tyler yelled waking Nick from one of the best nights rest that he had experienced in the past six months. He looked over at the clock and saw that it was only 7:30 and he groaned. Why did Tyler have to wake up so early? "Daddy?" Tyler said as he opened the door to Nicks room and looked over to where Nick was laying.

"Yeah buddy?" Nick answered sitting up.

"I'm hungry," he said climbing onto the bed next to Nick, "what are we gonna habe for breakfast daddy?"

"I don't know. What do you want?" Nick said letting Tyler get comfortable next to him.

"Ummm...." Tyler said leaning aganist Nick. Nick smiled down at his son. He was going to get through this, he knew it now.

"How about, we go look and see what we have alright?" Nick asked.

"Okay," Tyler said jumping out of the bed then ran towards the kitchen. Nick laughed and slowly stood himself off of the bed. Then he walked out to the kitchen where he saw Tyler sitting at the table.

"So," Nick said opening the cabinet to reveal that he had no cereal, "shit," he said under his breath. What was he going to do now? He didn't know how to make anything decent.

"Need some help?" Brian asked walking into the kitchen with a few shopping bags in his hands. Nick turned and smiled at his best friend.

"You're a life saver."

"Yeah well, I knew that you weren't used to having a kid around so I woke up early and figured I would get you a couple things to get you started," Brian told him with a grin on his face.

"Morning Tyler," Brian said walking over to him and messed up his short hair. Tylers giggles filled the kitchen as Brian played with him.

"Lets see what uncle Brian got us," Nick suggested as he looked into the bags, "I've never seen so many kinds of cereal in my life." Brian laughed.

"I didn't know what he liked so I brought a variety so that there has to be at least something in there that he likes," Brian exlpained.

"Good idea," Nick replied then he started to take boxes out of the bags, "well we have Fruity Pebels, Fruit Loops, Rice Krispies, Cocoa Puffs, Golden Grams, Frosted Mini Wheats, Frosted Flakes, Corn Pops, Apple Jacks and Lucky Charms. So which do you want?" Tyler walked over to Nick and stood up on the stool at the counter and looked over the cereals.

"Can we have some Lucky Charms?" Tyler asked taking the box into his small hands.

"Let me get that for you okay Ty?" Nick said taking the box from Tyler, "now go sit at the table."

"Okay daddy," he said and ran over to the table and sat next to Brian, "uncle Brian are you going to have any?"

"I don't know, I'll think about it," he answered Tyler.

"We can share mine if you want," he told Brian. Brian smiled at Tyler and laughed.

"Thanks man, but I think you need to eat it so you can grow big and strong," Brian replied, "I mean that's why they're called Lucky Charms."

"Really?" he asked as Nick placed the small bowl in front of Tyler.

"Sure, now eat up," he answered. Brian looked over at Nick once Tyler had started eating his cereal. Nick was sitting at the table with them. He was looking at Tyler proudly. That boy meant everything to Nick.

"Good?" Nick asked.

"Uh hum," he answered with milk spilling down his cheeks. Nick smiled and laughed and then stood up and walked over to the counter and grabbed a paper towel.

"How 'bout we get you cleaned up there buddy," Nick said then started to whipe Tylers cheeks. Tyler giggled then started to eat his cereal again.

"Uncle Brian, you want?" he asked holding out his spoon with it dripping. Brian laughed again as he looked at Tyler.

"No man. You gotta eat it up man," Brian answered.

"But my tummys full," he told Brian.

"Ok then why don't we clean up?" Brian asked him as he took Tylers bowl and walked over to the sink with it.

"Thank you uncle Brian!" Tyler said as he jumped out of the chair and then out of the kichen.

"We'd better go after him," Nick said standing up from the chair, "you go look out for him. I'll clean up out here alright?"

"Nah man, you go hang with your son," Brian told him, "I'll clean up for you, I don't mind. Just go look after Tyler. Have some fun with him."

"Alright thanks man, I owe you, big time," Nick answered and then walked off into the livingroom where Tyler was sitting on the floor trying to take out Nicks PS2. Nick smiled and sat down next to Tyler.

"Need some help there Ty?" Nick asked.

"No daddy, I got it," he answered still trying to pull it out of where Nick had stored it.

"l'lI get it for ya man," Nick told him and then helped him to take it out of the cabinet. Nick pluged it and handed the controler to Tyler.

"Thank you daddy," Tyler replied and then started to play the game the best he could. Nick just sat back and smiled at him. Tyler was really helping him pull himself back together.

Chapter 6

"Come on, we're going to have so much fun. Just trust me," Nick pleaded with Erika, the love of his life.

"Nick I don't know if that's a good idea. What about Tyler? We can't leave him here alone," she responded.

"I know and that's why Brian is going to be here any minute to look after him for us. When I told him that I wanted to spend one night alone with you, he didn't mind watching after Tyler at all," Nick answered with a grin on his face.

"I don't have anything to wear," she told him.

"Don't worry. It's just going to be me and you and I think you look beautiful in what you're wearing right now," he assured her.

"Nick this is what I wear around the house," she told him refering to her t-shirt and sweat pants. Nick looked at her and smiled.

"I know and I love it," he answered.

"You're crazy you know that right Nick?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm crazy about you so, yeah I do know," he answered with a smile on his face.

"When's Brian going to be here?" she asked just as the door bell rang. Nick grinned and looked at her.

"That's probably him right now," he answered and she shook her head, that Nick she thought. Nick walked down the stairs and through the livingroom and to the front door. He opened it and Brian was standing on the other side.

"So did she go for it? Do you still need me?" Brian asked.

"Yeah, come on in," Nick answered.

"So where's Tyler?"

"In his room."

"Cool."

"I'm going to go get Erika and we're going to be on our way so I'll see you later," Nick told him.

"Anything I need to know? Like where to find you just incase," Brian asked.

"I'll have my cell on me so if you need to, only if it's a real emergency, call me," Nick answered, "but I don't think anything like that is going to happen."

"Neither do I, but it doesn't hurt to know just incase. I want to be able to reach you if I need to. Which like you said, I don't think that I'm going to need to."

"Yeah ok," Nick said as he ran to the stairs to go get Erika. Brian smiled to himself, he was happy that Nick found the woman that he loved. Things were rough for a while. When Erika found out that she was pregnant with Tyler, Nick went through a lot emotionally. He wasn't sure what to do. He loved Erika and he knew that he would love the baby but he wasn't sure if he was ready to be a father. After a lot of long talks with the other guys, Nick finally had the courage to tell himself that everything was going to be alright.

"Hi Brian," Erika said as she walked down the stairs.

"Hey there," he answered and smiled, "aren't you a little under dressed for a night out with Nick?" She smiled and laughed.

"That's what I thought, but he said it didn't matter," she explained, "and there was no changing his mind about it."

"Let's go," Nick said as he ran down the stairs, "Bri, I told Ty that you're gonna be lookin after him so he knows you're here. He shouldn't be any trouble."

"Okay man," Brian answered, "have fun."

"Don't worry we will," Nick said as he walked out of the front door.

"Thanks Brian for watching Tyler," she said before she walked out of the front door. Brian smiled and walked up to Tylers room to see what he was up to.

"Nick I can't believe you talked me into this," Erika said as they were driving down the street. Nick smiled to himself and glanced quickly over at her.

"Well, you always said I had a way with words. Guess that hasn't changed," he replied.

"No, and I wouldn't want it to. I always have so much fun when me and you go out," she told him, "I mean when was the last time that me and you did really go out like this?"

"Not since before Tyler," he answered, "but at least Brian didn't mind looking after him for us tonight. Now I can have you all to myself."

"Sounds like fun," she said with a grin on her face.

"You know it baby," he answered her.

"So where exactly are we going?" she asked.

"You'll see when we get there."

"Oh come on Nick, tell me," she begged.

"No, you're just going to have to wait and see. It's a surprise," he explained.

"A surprise huh?"

"Um-hum, so that means you're just going to have to wait until we get there for you to know," he answered.

"Can I at least have a hint?"

"Nope."

"Please?"

"No."

"You can be so cruel sometimes you know that Nick?" she asked.

"No, I'm not cruel, I just want you to be surprised when we get there. I want to see the look on your face. Is that such a bad thing?" he asked.

"Not really. I mean unless you're just taking me to some cheap motel. At least that would explain why you told me not to change."

"Damn baby, you figured it out," Nick answered.

"Nickolas, you had better be joking with me," she said seriously.

"Yeah I am," Nick answered with a slight laugh, "I just couldn't pass up such a golden oppertunity to freak you out."

"You're lucky I love you so much," she replied.

"Luckiest man on the planet," he answered with a grin on his face.

"Nick, that car's moving kind of fast isn't it?" Erika asked taking notice of the car that was speeding towards them.

"Yeah but he's on the other side of the road. I don't think that he's going to bother us," Nick replied looking at the car.

"Are you sure?" she asked getting a little nervious.

"Oh shit," Nick said.

"Nick what? Please don't joke around like that because this isn't funny," she said with tears in her eyes.

"Hang on, I'm going to have to pull the car off of the road, this guy doesn't know what the fuck he's doing," Nick answered seriously.

"Oh my god, Nick becareful," she pleaded. Nick started to turn the car to pull off of the road so that the guy could pass without hurting them. Just as Nick was turning off of the road, the car slammed into the side of his car and sent them rolling over the side. The next thing Nick knew, everything had gone black.

When Nick finally opened his eyes, he didn't know how much time had passed. All he knew was that his head was pounding. He lifted his hand to his head and felt something warm on the side of his face. He moved his hand down so that he could see it. It was covered with blood. That's when Nick remembered where he was and what happened.

"Erika," Nick said shaking her arm but she didn't move, "Erika, come on wake up please. Please wake up." He looked at her. She was badly brused up and Nick knew that he had to get her to the hospital but there was no way that he was going to be able to do it himself. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911.

"Hello, what's your emergency?"

"We were just in a bad car accident," Nick spat out.

"How long ago sir?"

"I don't know. I was knocked out after our call feel into a ditch. We need an ambulance. My girlfriend has been hurt really bad," Nick said to her.

"We'll try to get an ambulance out there as fast as we can," she answered.

"Hurry please, we're both hurt really bad," he pleaded.

"We'll try sir," she answered.

Chapter 7

The next few minutes were a blur to Nick. He had begun to fall in and out of consciousness. Nick thought that it had taken hours for the paramedics to come and help them. He was more than relieved when he saw that they were finally being helped. One of the people were talking but Nick couldn't make out what they were saying so he didn't answer them, though he wasn't completely sure that he would have been able to anyway.

The next thing Nick knew, he was in an ambulance and he was being taken to a hospital. His strength was starting to come back as he was laying back and the paramedics were looking him over.

"Where's Erika," Nick asked trying to sit up, but he was forced back down by one of the paramedics.

"She's in the other ambulance son," he answered, "just lay back."

"Is she okay?"

"I don't know," he told Nick.

"You have to find out for me. I have to know if she's okay," Nick pleaded.

"We're almost at the hospital, you can check for yourself."

"I'm alright?" Nick asked.

"Yeah, you were just a little light headed because of the blood that you lost, but you're going to be just fine," he explained to Nick.

"How much longer?" he asked sitting up and looking at the paramedic.

"A couple of seconds, that's all," he answered.

"Do you think that she's alright?"

"I honestly don't know. I didn't look over the damage to her, so I really can't tell you anything, sorry."

"She has to be okay," Nick mumbled, "I mean I was driving. If anything bad was supposed to happen it would have happened to me right, since I was driving?"

"What exactly did happen?" the man asked.

"Some guy was driving crazy, I was pulling off the road when he hit us," Nick answered, "then the next thing I remember was waking up and calling 911."

"We're here," the man said to Nick. Nick stood up and followed him out of the ambulance. They walked over to the other one. Nick was taking his time because he was still a little light headed. He followed them into the hospital and he was told to wait for a doctor to come and speak to him. It wasn't long before he was told that she died on the way to the hospital. They had done everything they could to keep her alive but the damage was way to sevre and there was nothing more that they could have done.

"Why don't you call someone to take you home," the paramedic that Nick had rode with said to him, "you do have someone to call right?"

"Yeah," Nick answered as he nodded and ran his fingers through his hair. The man just took one last look at Nick and walked away. Nick called Brian and he came and picked him up right away. Tyler was sleeping for the whole trip so they didn't have to explain everything to him just yet.

"Nick," he heard and then looked up at Brian who had been calling him, "I'm going to be heading out now, are you alright do you need me to stay?"

"No, no, no, you can go, I was just thinking," he answered, "besides you've done a lot for me already. Wouldn't want to keep you from your wife for too long. She might begin to miss you man, if she hasn't already."

"You were thinking about it weren't you?" Brian asked softly.

"Yeah," he whispered, holding back his tears.

"Do you need me to stay, ya know, to talk?" Brian asked thoughtfully as he walked over to his best friend.

"Why did she die Brian?" Nick asked through his tears. Brian sat down next to him and took a deep breath.

"I don't know man," Brian answered, "I wish I could answer that for you because I know how much it would help you knowing why, but there really isn't a way to answer it."

"Maybe if I had woken up a few minutes sooner, she would have made it to the hospital and they would have been able to save her," Nick said letting his head fall into his hands were he once again began to cry.

"You can't change that," Brian told him as he put his arm around Nick, "you did the best that you could and you did the right thing. It just didn't work out for you."

"Why not Brian? I haven't been the best person on the planet but I haven't done anything to desirve losing her."

"I know you didn't Nick. You've done the best you could in your life and its okay. It was just someone upstairs decided that it was her time to go."

"Did I ever tell you where I was going to take her that night?" Nick asked with tears still pouring from his eyes.

"No, you haven't."

"We were going to go to this beach that I rented for the night so that we could be alone. I wanted to make it perfect ya know? 'Cause thats what she was, perfect. I wanted to make things great for her, Tyler and me. I wanted to make us a complete family," Nick said as he stood up and walked over to the night stand and opened the draw and pulled out a small box, "I wanted to make sure that she knew that we were always going to be together," he said as he handed Brian the box. Brian looked up at Nick and then opened the box. He shut his eyes once he saw it's contents.

"Nick I'm so sorry," he choked out.

"Not as sorry as I am," Nick replied.

"She would have said yes," Brian commented, "if that makes you feel better."

"I know she would have. I just wish I got the chance to see the look on her face when I asked. It would have been beautiful, she always was. No matter what she did, god she was so beautiful."

"Look, I'm going to call Leighanne and let her know that it would be better if I spent another night here. I think you need someone to talk to," Brian said standing up from the bed.

"Why don't you just go home Brian. I'll be alright," Nick replied.

"I just don't feel right about leaving you here alone like his," Brian explained, "Why don't I have Leighanne come over here? At least we'll be here for you to talk too."

"You don't have to. I don't want to put you guys out."

"Don't worry about. I'm sure she won't mind at all. Let me go give her a call. I'll be right back alright?" Brian said and Nick nodded. Tears continued to roll down Nicks cheeks as he sat on the bed. The memories of that night were still to fresh; painful.

"Daddy," Tyler said as he stood in the door way of Nicks bedroom, "why you crying?" Nick looked over at his son who was staring at him with his big blue eyes. He was so innocent.

"Come here," Nick said as he whiped away the fresh tears that had just fallen upon his face. Tyler walked over to Nick and he picked him up and put him on his lap, "I love you buddy alright?"

"Wuv you too dada, but why you cry for?" he asked.

"I miss mommy," he whispered to his son as he held him close. It was as if he were afraid that if he let him go, he would never be able to hold him again.

"I miss her too daddy," Tyler answered as he snuggled up as close to his father as he could. Nick let another tear escape his eye as he kissed the top of Tylers head.

Chapter 8

Brian pushed Nicks slightly ajar door open enough so that he could look in at Nick. A small smile appeared on his face when he saw Nick sleeping, with Tyler right next to him. Tyler had rested his head on Nicks shoulder and Nick had his arm around him. It was obvious that Nick loved his son. Having Tyler around was a good thing for Nick, it was just what he needed. Brian sighed as he pulled the door shut and started to walk back down the hall.

"How's he doing?" Leighanne asked as she saw Brian walk away from Nicks room.

"He was asleep," Brian answered, "he has Tyler in there with him. He needs to sleep right now. Poor guy hasn't gotten much of that lately."

"I know. I just wish there was something else that we could do for him. I mean we can only stay here so long. He can't become dependant on having you here all the time," she explained to her husband.

"I know that," he answered her, "just another day or two. Just until he gets his feet on the ground. I just want to be sure."

"From what you told me the other day he sounds like he's on the ground," she pointed out.

"He had a flashback tonight."

"Oh my god. I didn't know. I must have sounded so heartless a minute ago," she said, slightly dissapointed about what she had said. She didn't mean to say anything harmful.

"Yeah, I was going to leave tonight. When I went to go tell Nick, he was near tears and he just looked so lost. I just wanted to make sure he was alright. Tyler's here now, he needs his father and I just wanted to make sure his father was able to be there," Brian explained.

"Yeah, yeah I understand that. He already lost his mother, I would hate to see him go without a father because Nick isn't well."

"Let's go into the living room and let them sleep," Brian commented as he walked towards the living room with Leighanne right behind him, "I think Nick would do anything at this point to make sure that he got to keep his son." Leighanne nodded and agreement and the both of them sat down on the couch.

"I can't believe he let Tyler go in the first place."

"Leigh you have to admit that he was in no condition to look after him. It was the best thing to do for Tyler at the time. Besides, it was only six months and Nick was able to get him back into his life and that's what matters right now."

"You think he'll ever get over her?"

"No, she was so important to him and she was taken so suddenly. He loved her. It's hard to let go of your first love."

"How would you handle this if that happened to me?" she asked.

"I don't even want to think about it," he answered, "it's just such a horrible thing. It hurts me just to watch Nick go through it."

"What do you think's gonna happen after we leave?"

"Nick's going to put his life back together. He's started that already. All he needed was a good push, I think he's going to be just fine," he replied, hoping his words held the truth. It pained him to see how his best friend had to suffer day in and day out.

"I still can't believe we lost her," she admitted, "it really does seem unreal. It was like one day she was with us, happy as can be, then the next she was gone."

"I know and poor Nick knows that all too well. He lost the most that night," Brian stated, "he still blames himself for what happened. He thinks that he could have done something differently that would have saved her life. It's hard to say that he was powerless, ya know. Just to see how much pain are in his eyes when you tell him that even though he was right there, nothing could have changed what happened."

"He did what he could," she replied.

"I know I he did. There was no way that he would have just sat back and let her die. Its just that something in his mind is telling him he didn't do enough. You can almost see all the guilt that he has in his eyes when he talks about that night."

"What can we do? I really wanna help," she asked him.

"I have no idea really. It's up to Nick I think to realize that he was in no way responsible for her death. Once he gets completely past that, I think he's going to do great. As far as we can do to help him, I guess just talk to him. Let him know that we're there for him."

"You think he'll talk to me?"

"Sure, why not?"

"I don't know. I just figured that since you guys were best friends he'd really only want to talk to you."

"Well you were really close to Erika. Maybe if you talk to him, let him know that she wouldn't want him to blame himself, he might believe you because you knew her so well."

"I don't know Brian. I'm not sure if I would know what to say to him if he just started crying. I don't know if I would be able to hold it in myself," she confessed.

"Maybe that would be a good thing. He might just need someone to cry with. To know that he isn't alone."

"He's not," she replied, "he has us."

"I know but he's just so up set right now that he can't really see things clearly. In the morning why don't you talk to him? I've done all that I can, maybe someone else should try and I think you might have the best chance Leigh."

"I can try but I can't promise anything," she answered.

"I know. No one can, it's really up to Nick," he replied, "but we can help him help himself and that's what's important."

"What about Tyler? How do we explain what happened to him? He's so young and just so innocent. He won't understand."

"That's really up to Nick. Tyler is his son and he has to decide whats best. I think that Nick should wait until he's a little older and can really grasp the concept of what happened. Right now it would just be too hard for both of them."

"It's hard for everyone. The wonds are still so fresh."

"That's why we have to make them better now instead of waiting until they get worse. We can't let Nick dig himself in a hole he can't get out of."

"What'll happen if we can't help him?"

"Don't worry about that. I think he's going to be just fine. He's already a lot better. We just need to help him the rest of the way."

"I hope so Brian. I really do hope so."

Chapter 9

Nick opened his eyes slowly. A smile appeared across his face when he saw his son sleeping on him. He came so close to never seeing him again. How could he have been so stupid? First he lost the only woman that he ever would or could love. Then his son is taken away from him because they had accused that he wasn't a fit enough parent after Erikas death. I'll show them he thought. Tyler was going to have the best father in the world. Nick was determined to make sure of that.

He would do anything for his son. The child he helped create. One of the only people on the earth that he would give his life for. Anything that his son wanted or needed he would make sure that he had it. After all, he desirved it. Tyler, at only four years old had been through so much. His mother was gone and he was taken away from his father. All of this probably confused him, but Nick was going to make sure things went back to normal, or at least a resonable fact simile.

If anything ever went wrong Nick knew that he always had the guys to help him and make sure that everything would get better. For that he was grateful. He was lucky enough to always have someone just a phone call away that would be able to help him out. Not a lot of people have that luxery and Nick wasn't going to let it slip away from him again. Nick looked at his son one more time before he slowly started to slide out of the bed. A satisfied grin came across his face when he was able to move Tyler without waking him.

Nick streched his arms and walked out of his bedroom and down the hallway and a small laugh escaped his lips when he saw Brian and Leighanne asleep on the couch. Memories of him and Erika doing that came flooding into his mind. It took almost all of his strength to keep from crying from the memory. Nick took a deep breath and then wandered into the kitchen. It was going to be alright he kept telling himself. Nick walked over to his cabinets and took out a glass for himself. He placed it onto the table and then walked over to the refrigerator and took out the carton of milk. He poured some into his glass and then put the carton back.

"Morning," Nick heard and then turned around.

"Hi Leighanne," he replied.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"I'm alright," he answered, "so when did you get here last night. I fell asleep before you got here."

"Yeah you were tired. Brian told me that you had just fallen asleep when I got here. He figured that you needed it."

"I did," Nick told her, "I feel a lot better."

"Good, I'm glad. I hated seeing you in so much pain. It made us all feel bad. Especially me. I lost a friend that night too and seeing another good friend of mine suffer didn't make it any better. It broke my heart to see you like you were," she told him as he took a seat at the table.

"You don't know what I feel," Nick said calmly, "you weren't there when it happened. I could have done something. She pointed out the car that hit us but I didn't think anything of it at first but when I saw it was coming towards us thats when I decided to do something but it was too late."

"Honey look," Leighanne said broken heartedly, taking a seat across from Nick, "you did what you could. That guy was the one who messed up not you. You were only trying to spend the night with your girlfriend. You did nothing wrong so don't ever think that you did. I don't care that you didn't pull over sooner or change lanes or whatever, there was no way that you could have known that this guy was going to kill her."

"That's easy for you to say. I mean I was the one driving. I should have died," Nick yelled.

"Nick relax," Leighanne warned, "you must have lived for a reason. God had other plans for you and that's why he didn't take you."

"What could be possibly want from me? I'm worthless without her," he answered.

"No you're not Nick. You have Tyler and that alone makes you worth something. You have so many people that love you and care about you. Honey it just wasn't meant to be for you to go. Just remember though, someday you'll be with you again. I'm sure she'll be waiting for you. You guys were meant for each other."

"You think?" Nick asked, his voice a whisper and his eyes beginning to fill with tears.

"No I know that," she replied, "and you've got to be strong for her, you and especially Tyler. He needs you more than anything right now."

"I know and I will be," he answered, trying to hold back his emotion.

"Why don't you wake Bri and Tyler up and I'll get breakfast going for all of us," she suggested as she stood from the table.

"You don't have to do that," Nick said standing up right after and staying right behind her, "you're a guest let me."

"Nick I love you like a brother and all but I'd never eat your cooking, no offence," Leighanne told him.

"None taken."

"Good, now get going!" she said pushing him out of the kitchen. He smiled and laughed. Walking into the livingroom, he called over to Brian.

"Yo Bri," he called, "get up. Your wife's making breakfast!" Brian groaned and just rolled over. "This means war," Nick mumbled to himself. He walked over to the couch and pulled the pillow right out from under Brians head.

"What was that for?" Brian asked, grouchy.

"I needed to get ya up some how," he answered with a wide grin on his face.

"Why?"

"Your wife told me too," he answered.

"What are you talking about?"

"She's making breakfast, she asked me to wake up you and Tyler. I figured you would be the one that gave me a problem so I came to get you first," Nick informed him.

"What she making?"

"I dunno, I didn't ask."

"Go get Tyler. I'm up," Brian told Nick.

"Ty!" Nick yelled as he walked through the hallway to his bedroom. He pushed his door open and saw Tyler, still asleep. He walked over to the bed and sat down, "hey Ty, aunt Leigh's making breakfast. Get up man."

"Hi daddy," Tyler said when he opened his eyes and saw his father sitting next to him.

"Hey little man. Let's get up and get you dressed man. Aunt Leigh's making breakfast so we gotta make sure we're there on time or she'll kick our butts!"

"No she won't! She's a girl!" Tyler said to his father.

"Yeah well she's a strong girl! Also, she could send uncle Brian after us," he told Tyler.

"Uh-oh!" Tyler said as he jumped out of the bed.

"Yeah man hurry hurry hurry," Nick shouted as he chased after Tyler. Tylers loud laughter echoed through the hallways as he ran into his room.

"Nick what are you doing to that kid?" Brian yelled from the oppisite end of the hallway.

"Nothing, I was just playing with him. Can you not tell the difference between laughter and screaming?"

"Just get him dressed man. Sometimes I swear the only difference between you two is that you're taller," Brian replied with a playful smile on his face.

"Like father like son," Nick replied.

"Tell me about it. Now get him ready," Brian said as Nick nodded and walked towards Tylers room. "Oh and Nick."

"Yeah Bri?"

"It's good to have you back man. We all missed you."

"Thanks man."

Chapter 10

"Daddy!!!" Tyler yelled from down the hall. Nick shot up from his bed when he heard little Tyler's screams. He hurried out of his bed and towards Tylers room. He opened the door to see Tyler sitting up, with tears rolling down his tiny cheeks.

"What happened little man?" Nick asked sitting next to Tyler on the bed.

"I had a bad dream," he said as he leand against Nick.

"Oh, it's alright buddy. Dreams can't hurt you. They're fake, you know, make believe," Nick told him. Tyler sniffled and looked up at Nick.

"Really?" he asked. Nick couldn't help but smile at how innocent he really was. At times Nick wished that he himself were that innocent.

"Yes really. Besides, do you think Daddy would let anything hurt you?"

"No."

"That's right. I'd never let you get hurt alright man? Just remember, daddy's always here for you man. Anytime you need him."

"Even if there were monsters in my closet?" he asked.

"Yep. I'd get 'em all outta there and make sure they never come back to mess with my boy," Nick answered.

"Even if they were bigger than you?"

"Especially if they were bigger than me."

"What if they go under my bed?" Nick laughed and looked down at his son, who was staring up at him. His eyes wide with wonder.

"Then I'd go in after them and get them."

"What if we set a trap and caught them?"

"When we got them, what would we do with them huh?"

"Keep 'em as pets!" Tyler shouted with joy.

"No I don't think so. They might scare everyone away from here man. I could always get you a puppy."

"A puppy?" Tyler asked with his eyes shining.

"Yeah, your own puppy. Would you like that?"

"YES!!" Tyler shouted. He was now on his knees clapping his little hands together.

"Alright, but you have to go to bed right now. I promise we'll go in the morning and get you your puppy," Nick said to Tyler.

"I'm not tired daddy," Tyler protested.

"You've got to go to bed Ty. How 'bout if daddy stays here with you? Would you at least try to go to sleep then?"
"I dunno," Tyler replied.

"Please for daddy?" Nick said tickeling Tyler, causing him to fall onto Nick in a fit of laughter. Nick smiled as Tyler continued to giggle, even after Nick had let him go. A few moments later Tylers laughter died down and he snuggled up against Nick. His little hands grabing onto Nicks shirt. Nick smiled and put his arm around Tyler. Tyler was so tiny compared to Nick.

A small smile slowly appeared on Nicks face as he looked down at his son. He placed a soft kiss on the top of his head and let out a long breath. Nicks eyes stayed on Tyler. Things were going to be alright he assured himself. He would never let anything happen to Tyler and he would do anything to make sure of that. Even if it meant getting help. He would have done anything at that point.

"Why can't you be here Erika," Nick whispered, "things would be so much better if you were here."

"She is with you," Leighanne said from the door. Nick turned his head quickly to see her standing there, looking in at him and his son, "she's in your heart and she's a part of Tyler. She's always going to be with you Nick."

"How long have you been standing there?" Nick asked, not wanting to say anything about her last comment.

"Just a minute. Don't worry, I wasn't spying on you. I just needed to use the bathroom and I heard what you said about Erika."

"That's between.." Nick said with his voice trailing off.

"You and Erika? Trust me Nick, she knows what you're saying. She's probably looking down from heaven at you right now and she knows that Tyler and you are going to be alright because you have each other and that's what you both needed."

"I need her," Nick said slowly removing his arm from Tyler so that he wouldn't wake him up again. Once he was free from Tyler he stood up and looked over at Leighanne, "I'm going to go to bed now."

"Nick wait," she called as Nick stormed out of the room, "please. I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to help."

"But you didn't help. I just need to do things on my own now alright?" Nick said as he stopped and turned around to face her, "I'm sick of you and Brian telling me that everything's going to be alright. Yeah, it might be alright but it's not going to be the same."

"It was never going to be the same," she replied.

"What if you lost Brian, Leighanne?" Nick asked suddenly.

"Excuse me?"

"What would happen if you lost Brian?"

"I would be hurt beyond belief," she replied reluctantly because she knew that was what Nick wanted to hear.

"You better believe you would," he said to her, "you can't even imagine the pain that I'm feeling or that you would feel. It's like your heart has been ripped out and broken into a million pieces. So stop telling me that everything's going to be alright because you don't know that. You don't know what I'm going through," Nick said with tears rapidly rolling down his cheeks.

"Nick, we love you," she replied as she took a step closer to Nick, trying not to say that everything was going to be alright, she knew that was the last thing that he wanted to hear, "You know that. You also know that we're always going to be there for you no matter what, that is if you want us around. Just don't completely push us away because you'll not only be hurting yourself, but us too because you're one of our closest friends."

"I'm going to bed," Nick said as he walked into his room and shut the door behind him. Nick locked the door behind him. He didn't want anyone to come in there just yet. He wanted to be alone for now. Nick turned his back to the door and leand on it. He wouldn't have been able to hold himself up much longer. Slowly, he slid down the door until he was on the floor. His knees came up to his chest and he wrapped his arms around them.

Tears started to freely flow from his eyes. He didn't know what to do any more. He didn't have the strength to act like everything was alright any more. It had only been a few days, how was he going to be able to keep this up forever? It was impossible. He hated having everyone telling him that it was going to be alright, she was dead, nothing was alright and they never would be again. That he was sure of.

"Nick open the door right now," Brian said as he continued to bang on Nicks door.

"Go away Brian. Just leave me alone for a while. Please 'cause it's what I need right now," Nick answered, trying his best to cover the hurt in his voice.

"Have you been crying?" Brian asked. Good going, Nick thought. He knew I was crying.

"No, I'm just tired," he replied, "just let me get some sleep. I'll be fine in the morning."

"Nick please, just open the door," Brian pleaded.

"No," Nick yelled as he remained on the floor. His tears coming down even harder at that moment. He didn't care about who knew he was crying any more.

"Nickolas," Brian shouted. Nick took a shaky breath as he remained on the floor, "come on. Open the god damn door. I want to talk to you."

"Just leave me the fuck alone alright?" Nick yelled as he wrapped his arms tighter around his legs. He just wanted to be alone at that moment. Why couldn't Brian understand that? Nick shut his eyes tightly hoping that Brian would just go away.

"Come on bro. Please talk to me. Let me in. Just me. Once I'm done talking, that's it. You won't have to talk any more, unless you want to that is. 'Cause you know if you want to talk, I'm always there for ya man. Always," Brian said, hoping his words would touch Nick enough that he would open the door and let him in.

"No," he said, his voice coming out as a whisper. He wasn't even sure if Brian had heard him or not.

"Nick, how about we get you a doctor?"

"I don't need one," he yelled, becoming angry.

"I think you do Nick. You can't do this. It's going to hurt Tyler," Brian responded. Nick looked up and around his room, unsure of what he should do. "What kind of effect do you think that this is going to have on Tyler? He doesn't know any better. This is going to hurt him as much as it's hurting you." Nick sniffled and whiped the tears away from his eyes and stood up and opened the door.

"Ty's okay right?" Nicks voice came out weak and fearful.

"Yeah he's fine man. He'll be even better once you get some help. How 'bout you do this for him?" Brian asked, looking at his best friend. His heart had broken when he looked at Nick. He hadn't seen him this bad. It was almost too much for him to bare.

"For Ty?" Nick repeated. His eyes wondering over to Tylers bedroom. The door was pulled shut so that the noise in the halls wouldn't bother him.

"Yeah," Brian answered, "I can get you an appointment for tomorrow. Me and Leigh and take Tyler to the park while you're away. It'll only be for about an hour or so. How about that?"

"He's going to be alright, right Bri?"

"Yeah of course. Leigh and I are going to take good care of him, okay?" Nick nodded and looked at Brian.

"Only for Ty. That's the only reason why I'm gonna do this."

"I understand man and trust me, you're doing it for the right reason."

"I'm just so scared," Nick admitted with the tears starting once again.

"It's alright to be scared man," Brian replied and hugged his friend, "everyone gets scared sometime. Don't worry about it though 'cause everything's gonna be okay. It's all gonna get better, I promise."

Chapter 11

Nick looked at himself in the mirror. He looked horrible. Bags were beginning to form under his bloodshot eyes. After Brian had made him the appointment with the doctor, Nick wasn't able to sleep. He spent the whole night laying awake in his bed, thightly clutching a pillow. Once morning had arrived, he could hear Brian going into Tylers room to tell him that Nick, daddy, was going to be out for the day and he and Leighanne were going to take him to the park. He seemed excited about that idea.

I should be the one taking him to the park Nick thought to himself but Brian convinced him that he needed to do this for Tyler so he wasn't going to back down now. Not when it might have meant hurting his son. No, Nick was never going to be the kind of father that let his son down constantly. He was going to be a great father. This was going to help him. Nick turned his head when the sound of a soft knock filled the room.

"Come in," Nick said as he stepped back from the mirror. Leighanne stepped into the room and looked at him. She was hurting for him. He was in so much pain for such a young man, she thought.

"Do you want me or Brian to drive you over to the doctor and pick you up later?" she asked thoughtfully. She wanted to do something that might help him. Nick let a small, polite, smile come across his face.

"No thanks. I can do this alone if you don't mind," Nick said softly. She nodded her head and continued to look over at him.
"Alright," she finally replied, "but remember, the offer still stands."

"Thanks," he answered as she closed the door to his room. Nick dropped onto his bed and looked up at the celing. He was starting to regret telling Brian that he would do this. It scared him that he would be talking to someone that he only knew for a few minutes and she would be asking him personal questions. He didn't like the idea. Everytime he had just about convinced himself that he wasn't going to do it, something reminded him of Tyler and that he was doing it for him. He had to br strong for his son and not be so damn selfish.

"Nick," Brian said as he opened the door to the bedroom, "me and Leigh are ready to take Tyler over to the park for awhile. Are you sure that you don't want us to give you a ride?"

"Nah, it's alright man. I can give myself a ride," Nick replied as he sat up and looked over at Brian who didn't really know what to say to Nick anymore. Things were getting to hard. Being there for Nick was getting harder, but he was determined to stay for him though. Nick needed someone, a good friend like Brian.

"Alright, we'll see you later," Brian replied, "let me know how it goes alright?"

"Yeah, sure," Nick answered as Brian walked out of the room, leaving the door open. Nick remained sitting on the bed until he heard Brian and Leighanne drive off. He sighed, he knew he had to go so he stood up from the bed and walked down to the living room. His car keys were on the coffee table. He grabbed them and walked out to his car. He kept telling himself that he was doing the right thing. He knew he was but he just didn't feel comfortable about doing this for some reason. Maybe the fact that he had to tell some stranger the things that he was feeling, even the things that he hadn't told his friends about.

Then again, if he told someone that he didn't know then the people he did know would never find out about how he really felt and what he was really going through. On the other hand, he was a BackStreet Boy, people were bound to find out about it. What if the person that he was going to talk to couldn't be trusted? Brian would never do that to him, Nick told himself. He probably spent the whole night awake himself looking for someone that Nick could trust. That was the kind of guy that Brian was. He always went out of his way to make sure that the people he loved would be okay. That's what made Brian the great guy that he was.

Nicks mind wondered to Tyler. He was probably having so much fun at that moment. Maybe he was on the swings with Brian or Leighanne pushing him. His laughter was such a great sound. It made Nick happy to see Tyler happy. Nick smiled as he thought of Tyler. Erika would have been so proud of Tyler. He was everything that she wanted in a son. A perfect little boy. Having this family made Nick feel complete. He never thought that having a son at such a young age with the woman that he loved would be so fullfilling.

Too bad a key element was taken from the picture. They would have made the perfect family. There would have been more kids. Brothers and sisters for Tyler to play with. It would have been a family out of a dream. They would have been so great together. It wasn't like they were far from it. Nick was about to make Erika his wife. Things would have been more complete that way. She would have been Mrs. Carter and not just 'Nick's girl.'

There wedding would have been amazing. He would have flown her, her family, his family and the guys out to some island somewhere. They would have had the ceremony on the beach. It would have been beautiful. Tyler could have a part in the wedding too. Erika would have loved it to no end. Like he loved her. Everything was ended in one night. All his plans, his dreams, taken away from him by some selfish bastard. It wasn't fair. This guy had no right to take everything away from him the way he did.

Or in any way. Nicks blood began to boil when he began to think about this guy. Yeah, he was spending some time in jail but he would be able to go home to his family. He could touch them. Hug them. Nick couldn't do that. Erika was gone no matter what. As far as Nick was concerned this man was let off easy. He didn't have everything taken away from like Nick did. He didn't have to put the pieces of his life back together.

Nick stopped the car once he reached the doctors office. In a way he was glad to be there, it would take his mind off of this guy, at least for a little while anyway. He would probably come up in the conversation. After all, he was the reason why Erika wasn't there and the reason why he was even there in the first place. Nick pushed the thoughts from his mind as he walked into the the office. His eyes roamed the room.

"Hello, can I help you?" the woman behind the desk asked. Nick looked over at her and walked up to the desk.

"Uh yeah. My name's Nick and my friend Brian called you guys for me. I have an appointment," Nick explained.

"Carter?"

"Yes ma'am," he replied.

"Alright. Just go in there," she said as she pointed to a door on the other end of the room, "the doctor will be in to talk to you in a few moments."

"Thank you," Nick said as he nodded and walked towards the door. He opened the door and walked in. The room was simple. There was just a desk and a couch. A bookshelf was on the other wall. It was filled with books. He looked over all the awards and stuff that were hung upon the walls of the tiny room. This woman must know what she's doing if she's won all these Nick thought. He relaxed a little bit and took a seat on the couch. He was still very nervous. What was he supposed to say to this woman?

He had a hard enough time talking to his friends. It was a little weird having to put his trust into someone that he hadn't even met yet. He was just going to have to learn to trust her. For Tyler. He had to do this. He couldn't let Tyler down.

"Hello Mr. Carter," the older woman said as she walked into the room, "I'm Dr. Lake. Your friend called me last night because he thought that it would be helpful for you to talk to me."

"Yeah he did," Nick replied.

"Do you think he went?" Leighanne asked Brian as she sat down on the park bench next to him. He looked over at his wife.

"Yeah. I told him to do it for Tyler. I think that was enough to get him to go," he explained.

"I just keep thinking that he backed out or something," she informed Brian, "and that's why he didn't want us to drive him. 'Cause if we did drive, he would have had to have gone to talk to her."

"Look," he replied, "part of helping Nick is believeing him. If he says that he's going to do something then we're going to have to take his word for it. Then if we think that he's been lying, that's when we do something. Right now though, we have to let him do things by himself right now. We just have to trust him."

"I know, but I just want him to feel better so bad," she answered, "I hate seeing him in so much pain."

"I do too but Nick has to help himself before we can help him. Just relax and trust him. He went, I can feel that he did so lets just wait until we go back to Nicks and see how it went," Brian replied, as he kept his eyes on Tyler as he played in the sand box.

Chapter 12

Nick looked down at the medicine bottle in his hand. He was sitting on the couch and he was just staring at it. The doctor had percribed it to Nick because she thought that it would help him from falling into a deep state of depression. His fingers rolled over the label. He didn't need this. He could have done this on his own, but no she wanted him to take this. Even after he had insisted that he would be fine without them.

Nick stood up from the couch with the bottle still in his hand. He tightly clutched it as his anger began to rise. He looked at the bottle again. That was it, he was fed up. Anger took control of Nick. The bottle went flying across the room. It hurt the wall and the contents was scattered all around the area in which it fell. His eyes went over to the end table and his fist went into the lamp. Causing it to fall onto the floor and shatter.

His heart was pounding and so many things were running through his mind. Nothing seemed to make sence any more. It was like everything that was going on was some sort of sign that he wasn't supposed to be happy or something. It angered him beyond belief to believe that there was something trying to keep him from being happy. His anger took over again. He flipped over the table in which the lamp had sat. It fell to the floor, making a loud crash as it landed.

Tears filled his eyes as he looked at the floor. Quickly, he brushed them away and went into the kitchen. Knocking stools over by the counter as he stormed by, he went to the draw and roughly pulled it open. His shaky hands pulled out a knife. His eyes studied the razor sharp edge of it. This was going to end it all. Brian would take care of Tyler. He was a good man.

Nick put the knife to his left wrist. With his hands shaking, he dragged the knife. Blood began to pour from the down from his wrist. The knife fell from Nicks hand as he began to feel light headed. Nick soon dropped to the floor himself. His eyes were becoming heavy and soon it was too much for him to keep them opened. Nick slowly drifted off into the darkness.

"Tyler," Brian shouted causing Tyler to look up at him, "we should get going man. Daddy's probably home by now."

"Uncle Brian can we please stay? Just a little longer," he asked.

"I'll bring you back tomorrow alright?" Brian told him.

"Alright," Tyler answered sadly as he walked over to Brian.

"When we get home," Leighanne said, "I'm gonna make you some lunch alright? Cause I'm sure you're hungry by now, aren't you?"

"Yeah," he told her. She smiled and they walked over to the car. Brian was glad that the park wasn't too far from the house. Only a few minutes. At least that way they could be home quickly and he could talk to Nick. He wanted so badly to know that he was going to be alright. Once they were in the car and Tyler was safely in his car seat, they were off.

"Guess what uncle Brian," Tyler said as he looked in the front seat.

"What kiddo?" he asked.

"Dada said he was gonna get me a puppy," Tyler said with excitement in his voice.

"Really?" Brian asked.

"Yeah. He came in my room last night and I told him about the monsters. I told him to set a trap so we can keep 'em as pets but he said no but he said that would get me a puppy today. Do you think that he got me my puppy?" Tyler said quickly. Brian laughed at Tylers excitement.

"I think that he might have waited so that he could take you with him so you could pick out your own puppy," Brian answered.

"Ya think so?"

"Yeah man," Brian told him.

"Cool." Brian smiled as he looked at Tyler through the rear-view mirror. It only took a few minutes for them to get back to Nicks place. Brian stepped out of the car after he pulled it into the driveway.

"Leigh you get Tyler out, I'm going inside to check on Nick alright?" he said to her.

"Alright Bri," she answered as she walked to the back seat of the car. He smiled at them then walked into the side. His eyes widened and his breath was caught in his throat as he looked into the living room. What the hell happened? Nick must have gotten angry, Brian thought to himself. He sighed and relaxed.

"Nick," Brian called, "what happened man." There was no answer. Brian walked over to the stairs, maybe he did hear him, "Nick," he yelled again. He was beginning to become nervous again. Why wasn't Nick answering him? Brian looked around the living room one more time and then he walked in the direction of the kitchen. He saw one of the stools lying the hall way as he neared the kitchen.

"Nick," he said softly as he walked into the kitchen. He gasped when he saw Nick on the floor laying in a pool of blood, "oh my god." Brian said. He ran to the other side of the kitchen and grabbed a wash cloth. He ran back over to Nick and wrapped it around his wrist to hopefully slow the bleeding. Once he had it around Nicks wrist he grabbed the phone and dialed 911.

"Brian, Tyler went upsta....." she stopped when she looked into the kitchen. Her heart was pounding and her eyes were wide with fear.

"Yes please come over quickly," Brian said as he hung up the phone.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Nick tried to kill himself," Brian answered as he knelt down next to his friend. He lifted the knife that was near Nicks body and Leighanne looked down at it.

"Oh my god," she said softly. She wasn't sure whatelse she was supposed to say.

"Go upstairs and stay with Tyler. I'm going to go to the hospital with Nick when the paramedics get here. Just try and keep Tyler calm and don't let him know what happened. Just yet anyway," Brian said.

"Alright," she said as she walked quickly out of the kitchen. Brian could hear her walking up the stairs. His eyes went down to Nicks pale body. Brian brought his hands together as a tear formed in his eye.

"Please God, let him be alright," he prayed, "please let him make it." Brian jumped up when he heard the sirens from the ambulance. The parametics went back to where they were and began working on Nick right away. Before Brian knew what was happening, they had Nick on a strecher and they were taking him out to the ambulance. Brian went with them. Once at the hospital, Nick was taken out of the ambulance quickly. His heart was racing a million miles an hour.

"We have a male, 22 years in age. He's slit his wrists in an attempted suicide," one of the nurses said. Brian was moving with them until they reached a private area of the hospital.

"I'm sorry sir, you're going to have to wait out here," one of the doctors said to Brian. He nodded and took one last look at Nick and stepped away. He sat down in one of the chairs oppsite of the room that they had taken Nick.

"Excuse me sir," a police officer said causing Brian to look up at him.

"Yes officer?" he asked.

"Are you the gentalman here with Mr. Carter. They told me that this was were I might be able to find you," he said.

"Yes sir I am," Brian answered as he stood up.

"I'm officer Kelly. You are?"

"Brian Littrell," he answered, "I'm Nicks best friend."

"Want to tell me about what happened."

"Yeah, uh. Well, this all started about six months ago actually. His girlfriend was killed in a really bad car accident and he's been felling depressed and guilty about it," Brian started to explain, "and my wife and I have been staying at his house for the past couple nights so that he wouldn't have to be alone. Last night he got really worked up and I set up an appointment with a doctor. So my wife and I took his son out to the park for awhile. Then when we got home, the living room and kitchen were fairly trashed and he was bleeding really bad. He'd cut his wrist with a knife."

"Mr. Littrell, I'm going to tell you what all the doctors and nurses are going to tell you when they talk to you. I'm not sure if you're aware of this or not, but it is against the law to attempt suicide. Once Mr. Carter is better, we're going to have to send him to another hospital," the officer, "just to see if he's going to be alright mentally. They're going to keep him there for at least 72 hours. If after that time the doctors still feel that he is a danger to himself as well as others, they hold the power to keep him longer."

"So Nick's going to be sent to a mental hospital?" Brian asked.

"Yes, but it's not for a very long time. He does have to stay there for the 72 hours thats required though. We aren't doing this to be mean but because he has some problems if he was willing to do this. We just want him to get better," officer Kelly explained. Brian looked at the officer, he didn't know what to say.

"Is he going to be okay?" Brian finally said. He knew that the officer didn't have the answer, but he just had to ask someone.

"I don't know, sir. Have you talked to any doctors yet?"

"No, I haven't talked to anyone since I've been here," Brian answered.

"Well maybe no news is good news," the officer said to Brian, "at least his condition hasn't worsened."

"Yeah I guess," Brian replied.

"Well, you take care of yourself now. Just remember, things happen for a reason. I don't know what that's going to do for you, but just think about it alright son," the officer said as he walked down the hallway in which he had appeared.

Chapter 13

Leighanne looked in at Tyler who was fast asleep. It was a challange to keep him from going into the kitchen until she had the chance to at least clean up all of the blood on the floor. It made her skin crawl when she thought about Nick and what he had done. She couldn't understand why he would want to do that. He had gone to see the doctor. The pills were all over the living room so she was sure that he had gone. Yet, she still couldn't figure out what it was the finally drove him over the edge.

She closed Tylers door and walked down stairs and sat on the couch in the living room. The first thing she did was clean up the lamp so that Tyler wouldn't get hurt by it. She had seen enough blood to last her a lifetime. The hardest part about the whole day was how Tyler kept asking questions about his dad. He wanted to know where he was and if he was getting him that puppy he promised. Then when Brian left, he started to ask more questions. She didn't know what to tell him. She couldn't tell this child, this innocent baby, what happened. Mainly because she knew he wouldn't understand, she didn't and partly because she knew that this was something that Nick was going to have to talk to him about. It wasn't her place.

Leighanne closed her eyes and let her head rest against the back of the couch. She was so tired and confussed. She hadn't heard from Brian so she was nervous on top of that. She just wished he would call already and tell her what was happening, but he probably knew just as much as she did. Who knew, she told herself. Her eyes opened when she heard the door bell. At first she thought she was hearing things but then it rang again, so she went to answer it.

"Mrs. Nelson," Leighanne said as she saw Tylers grandmother, Erikas mother, "what brings you by so late?"

"I know about what Nick did," she replied, "and I came to pick up Tyler. I don't want him to see these kinds of things. He's just a child."

"Wait," Leighanne said, not really sure what to tell this woman, "Tyler doesn't know about what happened. He's been in his room all day. Nick did this when we were at the park. He had a doctors appointment. When he got home thats when it happened. Tyler has no idea about what happened."

"Mrs. Littrell, please, I think it would be better for Tyler if he came back to live with me," she explained.

"After only spending about a week with his father?" Leighanne questioned, "please, Nick is going to be alright. It was just a moment of weakness. I promise you, it won't happen again. Brian and myself are going to help him."

"Untill he's well again, I would feel much better if I had Tyler."

"Please, let him stay. He really loves his father and his father really loves him. If you took away Tyler from him again, it might make things worse. So please, I'm begging you, let Tyler stay."

"Mrs. Littrell, please let me have my grandson or I will be forced to get the police invovled," she warned.

"No, you don't have to do that," Leighanne said stepping aside, "he's asleep upstairs. The third door on the right."

"Thank you," she said and walked towards the stairs. Leighanne stayed down there until Mrs. Nelson left, taking a confused and tired Tyler with her. As soon as they were gone, Leighanne jumped into Brians car and went to the hospital. She went to the back where Brian was sitting as fast as she could.

"Brian," she called when she saw him sitting on a chair with his eyes shut. He jumped up from the chair when he heard his name. He looked over at Leighanne, scared.

"What happened? Where's Tyler?" he asked noticing that she didn't have Tyler with her.

"Mrs. Nelson came and took him. She found out about what happened to Nick and she didn't want Tyler to stay with him any more," she said franticly, "I did everything I could to convince her to let him stay. She threatened to call the police."

"Honey relax. It's okay," he said to her, "it might be better for Tyler to stay with his grandparents for the time being. That doesn't mean he won't be back with Nick, alright. First of all, we have to found out if there's going to be a Nick for Tyler to go back to."

"You haven't talked to a doctor yet?" Leighanne asked.

"No. I don't know anything other than the fact that once Nick gets better they're shipping him off to some mental hospital."

"What?" Leighanne asked, surprised.

"It's for some sort of evaluation I think. The officer told me that it was to make sure that he wasn't dangerous to himself or anyone else," Brian explained.

"How do you think he's going to take it when he finds out Tyler isn't around any more?"

"We're just going to have to break it to him easily and pray for the best," he answered as his cell phone rang, "hello?"

"Rok," AJ's voice came loud, clear and full of panic, "yo the guys are here, we just had the news on. Please tell me that Nick's okay."

"AJ, I don't know if he's okay. I'm at the hospital right now," he replied.

"Hospital," AJ repeated, "what the hell happened? Was the house broken into or something? Talk to me man."

"AJ, I think you better sit down for this," Brian said as calmly as he could.

"Why? Is it really that bad?
"
"Nick attempted suicide," Brian said without warning.

"Are you serious?" AJ replied. Brian could hear the Kevin and Howie talking in the background, trying to find out what happened.

"Yeah. Leigh and I took Tyler to the park so that Nick could go to the doctor and when we got home, he was laying in the kitchen in a pool of blood," Brian explained.

"How is he doing? Do you know?"

"No. I haven't talked to any doctors since I've been here," he replied.

"Shit. Well we're gonna be down there in a few alright?" AJ said.

"Yeah," Brian said shutting his eyes.

"See you then," AJ said as he hung up the phone. Brian opened his eyes again and looked over at Leighanne.

"How'd he take it?" she asked.

"He was shocked, but hell, I still am too."

"We all are baby, we all are," she told him.

Chapter 14

"Brian!" AJ yelled as he ran down the hallway with Kevin and Howie closely behind him. They all looked so scared. Brian had never seen them like this before. It was heart breaking. "Any thing yet?"

"No," he replied bitterly. AJ dropped onto the chair next to Brian and looked over at him. Kevin and Howie remained standing.

"Suicide," AJ said softly moments later. Brian nodded. "I just can't believe this shit."

"Neither can I," Brian said softly, "and I was the one that saw it."

"You saw him do it?" Kevin asked his hurting cousin.

"No, but I saw him in all the blood. He looked so pale. So not Nick," Brian said as he looked up from the floor. His eyes were filled with hurt and fear. Fear of losing one of his best friends. Someone that had always been right there for him.

"It's okay Brian," Howie said.

"I should have gone with him. I never should have let him be alone. That was just so stupid, I knew he was having problems but I still left him alone," Brian mumbled.

"It wasn't your fault Brian. Nick has been through so much," Kevin replied, "he didn't know what else to do. That's all. You wouldn't have been able to stop him, you can't be with him every second of every day. Sooner or later he would have had the oppertunity."

"I just feel so guilty," Brian confessed.

"Don't," AJ said, "you didn't do anything wrong man. You just wanted to help him and that's all you did. Nick did this on his own and you had no part in it. Don't blame yourself alright." Brian nodded. He knew they were right. It was just he felt so bad and he was so tired at that point that he would believe just about anything.

"Now if only we could get a doctor in here," Kevin said as he took a seat across from Brian. This was such a crazy time for all of them and poor Brian was taking it the hardest. They were best friends, they had so much history together. All five of them did, but Brian and Nick have always been the tightest. It didn't help Brian any being there either. It would have gotten to whoever it was that was there when it happened.

"I've tried everything that I can think of," Brian replied, "I've had other doctors go back there and everything but each time they come back and tell me that they think it's best if I waited to talk to his doctor. They all said that they tried to get him, but he was still working on Nick."

"What exactly did Nick do to himself?" AJ asked.

"He slit his wrist with a kitchen knife," Brian answered, "it was a pretty deep cut too I'm assuming because of all the blood that he lost."

"How long have you been here?" Howie asked.

"About three and half hours. I called 911 as soon as I saw Nick on the floor. I've been here waiting ever since," he replied.

"Maybe we just need to wait a little longer," Howie said, "I'm sure they would have said something if Nick wasn't okay or something. They wouldn't have gone this long without telling anyone. They knew you were here right?"

"Yeah, I rode in the amblance with them," Brian told him.

"Has anyone contacted his parents?" Kevin asked, "do you even think they're aware that all of this was going on?"

"I have no idea," Brian replied, "I just haven't been thinking straight."

"One of us should call them before they find out through the news like we did," Howie commented, "that's going to hurt them more that we didn't call and tell them ourselves."

"Yeah but which one of us has the heart to tell them?" Brian asked, "I sure as hell know that I can't do it. It's just too much. I can't take it any more."

"I'll do it," AJ said, "they need to know and I don't want Rok here havin a break down." AJ reached into his pocket, pulled out his cell phone and dialed in Nicks parents number. Everyone looked at him, waiting. Waiting for the reaction of his parents when they found out, that is if they didn't already know about it.

"Hello?" Nicks moms voice came, clam and relaxed. She didn't know.

"Hi, Mrs. Carter. This is AJ," he said.

"Oh AJ, hello, how are you?" she asked. This was going to hurt her so badly.

"I'm alright I guess, but I'm not calling on a good note. I need to tell you something. Something that's gonna hurt so I suggest that you sit down," AJ said seriously.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he started. He really didn't. This wasn't something that he ever thought that he was going to have to do. Never the less, the moment of truth was here, "it's about Nick. We, the guys and I are at the hospital."

"Hospital?" she asked. The word sparked a buzz in the background. Much like it had when Brian had called AJ.

"Yeah, let me finish before you say anything else. This is going to hurt to hear but Nick, well, he attepmted suicide," he said as he heard gasp on the other end of the line, "we don't know if he's okay or not. Brian's been here for awhile and he hasn't heard anything."

"How long is awhile?" she asked, confussed.

"About three hours he said," AJ told her.

"Why did he call any sooner!? I mean my son, my baby, he could be dying..." she said her hurt turning to anger.

"Mrs. Carter, he didn't call 'cause he's on a verge of sort of a break down himself. He's really hurt by this. He was the one that called 911 so please don't be angry at him," AJ said causing Brian to look up in AJ's direction, AJ was already looking down at him, "he's been through a lot."

"He still should have called sooner," she replied.

"Look, I understand why you're upset. Kev, D and I heard about it on the news. Just we thought it was a robbery attempt. We wanted to call you before you found out that way."

"And you haven't heard anything from his doctors?"

"No, nothing."

"Okay, we're going to try and get out there as soon as we can," she replied as she hung up the phone. AJ sighed and put his cell back in his pocket.

"They're on there way here," he announced.

"She's mad at me isn't she?" Brian asked.

"Just a little. Don't worry about it though. I mean she just had to take in so much and she doesn't have her emotions straight. I'm sure on the flight here she'll have things somewhat cleared up," AJ told him.

"I should have called them," Brian answered.

"It's alright Rok. You weren't thinking man. Trust me, all of us would have been a little out of it too if we were in your spot. So don't be kickin' yourself over this alright?"

"AJ's right," Leighanne said, saying something for the first time since they guys had arrived, "you didn't know how to react to the situation. That's okay though. You've done everything that you could. Come on Brian, you did think to tie the wash cloth around his arm to slow the bleeding. You did something. That's all you could have done really. Right now I'm sure the doctors are working on him and he's going to be alright."

"You did what ya could," Howie replied, "and that's what matters right now. Besides, who knows, what you did do might have helped. Just think positive okay?"

Chapter 15

Once the Carter's had arrived, they were asked to sit with the guys in the private waiting room that they had been moved to so they wouldn't be bothered. Brians eyes went to the door when he saw Nicks mother walked in. He felt so guilty about not telling her. It had been bothering him since AJ had called. He didn't want them to blame him. He wasn't thinking otherwise they would have been the first people that he called. They needed to know first, they were his family.

"Mrs. Carter," Brian said when she walked in, she looked at him but didn't say anything, "I just want to say that I was sorry for not calling. I know I should have it was just I wasn't thinking. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do."

"Brian," she replied and then paused as everyone looked on, "it's okay. I understand. I'm just glad that someone did call us."

"Again, I'm sorry. Sorry that that call hadn't come sooner," he told her.

"We're here now, that's all that matters," she said as she took a seat on the other end of the room, "have you guys heard anything?"

"No," Kevin said, "the last time we talked to anyone was when they moved us in here. They said that they didn't know anything about his condition, they were just asked to move us."

"So that means he's alive right?" Aaron, Nicks little brother, said, "I mean if they moved you and all. If he wasn't alive they would have told you to leave right?"

"We don't know," Kevin replied, "we've been waiting for word for a long time now."

"Could someone please tell me everything about what happened," Nicks father asked.

"Well," Brian started, "Leighanne and myself had been staying with Nick. It was only for the past few days. Anyway, last night, he just got so depressed. I called a doctor for him and made an appointment for him for today. Tyler was there so we took him to the park so that he wouldn't think anything was wrong. When we got back to his house, somethings were out of place in the living room."

"Like what?" his mother asked.

"He'd knocked over this table with a lamp on it. That stuff was alll over the room. I found a medicine bottle on the floor too. It was medicine that the doctor had percribed to Nick. The pills were all over the place. I'm sure he had thrown the bottle. My first reaction was that someone had tried to break in or something. I didn't know," Brian said, beginning to become emotional. Leighanne put her arm around his shoulder, "I called for Nick but I didn't get an answer so I started to walk through the house. More stuff was out of place in the kitchen. That's when I saw Nick on the floor in a pool of blood. There was a knife by him, he'd slit his wrist. Leighanne came down and was about to tell me something about Tyler then she saw it. I told her to keep Tyler out of the kitchen. I grabbed a wash cloth and the phone. I wrapped the cloth around his wrist to hopefully slow down the loss of blood and I called 911. I've been here since."

"Why? Why would he do such a thing?" his mother asked once Brian was finished talking.

"He's been really depressed lately. Erika's always on his mind. He had a flashback to the night it happened a few nights ago. He just can't seem to get over it."

"It's been six months though. You would have thought that he would have at least accepted it by now," his mother responded.

"Well he hasn't," AJ said, "the boy was in love with her. It's not easy letting go of someone you love. Think about it, do you think it would be easy for you or any of us to say good-bye to Nick if he didn't make it?"

"No," she answered, shaking her head. Trying to hold back her emotion, "but they weren't even married...."

"He was going to ask her that night," Brian interupted.

"How do you know that?" Howie asked.

"He told me and he showed me the ring the other night. He still has it. It took everything he had to tell me about it. He wanted to have a real family," Brian answered.

"Why didn't he at least say something to us about it?" his mother asked again.

"He wanted to ask her first I guess and he never told us about it because it probably hurt him to talk about it. I didn't want to force anything out of him."

"How did you get him to tell you?"

"He just told me. He must have been keeping it in for so long that he couldn't do it anymore. I don't know," he replied.

"Excuse me," came a voice, they all looked in the direction in which it came from. It was a doctor, "good evening, I know you all have been here for some time now and I apologise for that. I'm DR. Madison."

"Is he alive?" Mrs. Carter asked as she jumped from her seat.

"Barely," he answered, "he lost a tremendous amount of blood and did some serious damage to one of the vains in his wrist. We repaired the vain to the best of our ability. He also needed a blood transfussion to replace the blood. His heart wouldn't have been able to do it on its own. We did as much as we could. He's in a private room right now and you can go in and talk to him in a little while. He was just let out of surgery and he needs some time to recover."

"Thank you doctor, you saved my son," Mrs. Carter said overcome with joy.

"I have to tell you something before you get too happy. I'm not sure if you're aware of this but it's against the law to attempt suicide. Once he's better and we can release him from the hospital, he's going to have to go to a mental hospital for at least 72 hours. In that time he's going to be evaluated to see if he is going to remain a threat to himself and to others. If in that time, the doctors come to the conclusion that he still needs help, they're going to keep him even longer."

"So they think that my son's crazy?"

"No but we do think that he needs help. That's obvious considering that he was at a point that he wanted and attempted to take his own life."

"What if I don't want him to go to some hospital?" she said, angrly.

"Not to sound rude, but that's really not your decision. Maybe if he was a minor, maybe, just maybe you would have some say in it. But that fact is, since he's not, you have no say. It's the law."

"What if he doesn't want to go?"

"Again, it's the law ma'am. He has to go. It's only for three days if everything's okay and most people do leave after that time period but some don't. It's really about the individual case. Personally ma'am, even if you or your son had a say in determining weather or not he goes for this help, I would have to highly recommend that he does. There is obviously something wrong with your son and if you don't treat it now, it will get worse and next time, we might not be able to save him. Now, I have more work to do. So think about that and I'll send someone in for you when your son is well enough to have visitors," the doctor replied as he walked out of the waiting room.

"Who gave these people the right to tell me what I have to do with my son," Mrs. Carter said, angry with what the doctor had told her.

"Mrs. Carter," Howie said, "Nick needs the help. I love that kid, he's like my little brother, so I, like you, only want him to be happy and healthy. He needs this help so that he can be both happy and healthy. I know this is a lot, trust me I know, but don't get angry about this. The people who made this law obviously wanted to help people and that's all that's coming out of this. Nick is going to get the help that he needs."

"I know," she replied, "I just don't like the fact that they're telling me how to raise my son."

"They aren't," Kevin replied, "The fact is though, Nick's already been raised, though Mrs. Carter. He's an adult and though we at times forget it or act like we don't notice it, he's grown up. He has his own son to take care of now. And I know that you would like to keep him your baby forever, what mother doesn't?, you just can't do that anymore. He's an adult and he has problems and he needs to get help for those problems so that they don't get any worse for himself, and for us, the people that care about him most."

"Yeah," Howie added, "I remember when we first started traveling, you pulled Kevin and I aside and told us to look after him and we did. We did the best we could. I can't think of anything that we could have or even should have, done differently, to tell you the truth. I think we did a pretty good job of looking after him, if you ask me."

"We all looked after him," AJ added next, "I never had any brothers or sisters so having these guys around was the best thing for me. Nick was always that little brother that I never had to me. There wasn't anything that any of us could have done to fix this. We can't go back and tell Nick that he could talk to us because he already knew that he could. He knew that he could talk to you guys to, but he didn't. We aren't the problem. What happened has nothing to do with any of us because we all did our part in helping Nick as best we could. This happened because Nick lost the one woman that he loved. She had his god damn baby. That's what caused this. It wasn't any of us, it was that god damn ass hole who killed Erika."

"And we can't change that either," Brian continued, "it happened and as much as we want to make things all better again, we can't. So we're just going to have to accept the new Nick. The good, the bad, all of him. It's either that, or none of him at all."

"I don't want to push my son out of my life," she told them.

"We're not asking you to do that," AJ told her, "hell, you're the most important person in here. If there was no you, there would be no Nick. Nick knows that and I doubt that he would let you even try to push him out of your life."

"When do you think that they're going to let us in to talk to him?" she asking, changing the subject.

"I have no idea. The doc said whenever he was well enough," AJ replied, "we're just going to have to wait and see just how long it is."

"I don't know how much longer I can wait," she added, "I'm so nervous, I just want to talk to him and know that he's okay."

"When the time is here, we'll be able to talk to him," Kevin replied, "but for now, like AJ said, we're just going to have to wait and see. There really isn't anything else that we can do right now."

Chapter 16

Brian stared through the window of the waiting room. Everyone else had fallen asleep, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't fall asleep himself. Everytime he closed his eyes, he saw Nick lying in the pool of blood in the kitchen. That was going to be an image that would stay with him forever. Even once Nick was better, he wouldn't be able to act like everything had always been alright. It wasn't.

"Excuse me sir," a nurse said, causing Brian to look in her direction.

"Which one of you guys is Brian? Mr. Carter's asking for him," she asked.

"I'm Brian," he replied. She smiled at him.

"Alright, come with me please," she asked. Brian nodded and walked out the the waiting room with her. She didn't say anything to him and he wasn't sure if he should ask her any questions about Nick's condition. He wasn't even sure if she knew anything or was just sent by someone to let them know that Nick was ready. "Here we are," she said when they arrived at Nicks room, "do you need me to stay or can you remember the way to the waiting room?"

"I think I can make it back, thank you," he replied. She smiled again and walked away from him. Brian took a deep breath and reached for the door knob. He was almost afraid to go in there because he thought that it migth be the end, but he knew that was crazy. With that, he opened the door. His heart broke when he looked in at Nick. He was hooked up to all of these machines. His heart rate was being messaured and he had tubes all over. It was really hard to look at especailly when the person going through this was Nick.

"Brian," Nick said softly.

"Yeah man it's me," he said as he started to walk futher into Nicks room and next to Nicks bed, "I'm right here."

"I saw her," Nick said. Brian looked down at Nick. He looked so bad he thought.

"Who'd you see?" Brian asked, somewhat confused.

"Erika," Nick replied, "I saw her Brian. She was right next to me. I was with her again. She was angry with me Brian. She said I was stupid for doing what I did, but I don't think so, I just wanted to be with her again so badly."

"You will be, someday. Trust me," Brian asnwered.

"How's Tyler? Is he alright?"

"He's okay and with his grandmother. She found out about what happened and she came and took him from Leighanne. Leigh said she did the best she could to convince her to let Tyler stay with you but she wasn't hearing it. When you get out of the hospital though," Brian said, hoping to cheer Nick up, "he can come back to stay with you."

"How long is that going to be Brian?"

"I don't know," Brian answered, "I really don't know."

"So who's here?"

"Everyone. You're family flew out to see you man. They're real worried about you. You're mom was really upset. The other guys are here too, they're worried too. We all are," Brian answered.

"Well, you don't have to worry any more, I'm okay," Nick said, his voice still weak.

"Nick."

"Yeah Bri?"

"Why'd you do it? I mean why did you try and kill yourself? Things were going to get better. We were off to a good start man."

"I just wanted to be with her again," Nick answered after a moment of hesitation. A tear was now rolling down his cheek, "I couldn't take it."

"Nick, you didn't have to do this. I mean you went to the doctor and everything. That was the beginning of a better life. Why did you try and give up?"

"I didn't try to give up Brian. I just wanted to be with her again."

"You knew that it would be easier to just do this than it would be to try and get better. I'm not going to lie to you, you're going to have a rough time ahead of you, but please, just promise me one thing. Promise me that you will never do this to me again. I was so god damn scared that we would lose you. You're better than that."

"Brian..."

"Nick, promise me that you won't do this again. 'Cause you're not only hurting yourself but you're hurting all of us. We just want you to be safe, alright? So promise me."

"I promise," Nick replied.

"No matter how hard it gets you have to hang in there alright?"

"I'll do my best. I promise," Nick told Brian.

"Good 'cause I'll be dammed if I just sit back and do nothing. I refuse to act like I don't know what my best friend has a problem. I'm not going to ignore the fact that you have a problem 'cause then I won't be that good of a friend. There is no way in hell that I'm going to let you do this to yourself, I'm not going to let myself sit back and pretend you're fine when you're not. I will not let you hurt yourself again," Brian told him sternly.

"Don't feel guilty about this 'cause you didn't do anything wrong," Nick told him, sencing the fact that Brian was hiding some guilt for what had happened, "you couldn't have changed this."

"What are you talking about Nick?"

"I know you feel bad about this," he replied, "guilty actually. If you had driven me to the doctor that would have stopped me for now but I was going to do this no matter what you did so don't think that you could have done anything to change that."

"If I had been there everytime then it never would have because you would have gotten better by then and this wouldn't have happened," he said sadly.

"Bri, I would have found away. You couldn't be with me 24/7," he replied, "I was alone at night. There was the perfect chance man. We'd be here right now regardless so don't blame yourself man you did nothing but try to help me."

"I can't believe that," Brian answered.

"Rok," AJ said from the door. Brian turned around to look at him. He had taken his sunglasses off and his eyes were bloodshot and he looked like complete crap, "he's right ya know. This woulda coulda shoulda shit isn't going to change anything. What's done is done and we have to deal with that man."

"AJ.." Brian started.

"Don't beat yourself up," AJ interupted, "and thats the end of it. So Nick," AJ said changing the subject, "how are you feeling man? Anything I can do for ya?"

"No, it's okay. I'm just real tired, I wanna get some sleep alright?" he said to AJ, yawning.

"Alright man, Rok and I'll see you in the mornin'," AJ said as he grabbed Brians arm and they walked out of Nicks room.
"AJ," Brian started, "what the hell did you just do that for? I needed to talk to him."

"Brian you were blaming yourself, the samething Nick was doing when Erika died dude. You just kept saying what you could have done to change everything, that's the samething that Nick has been diong for the past six months and look at where that got him. I don't want anythin' happenin' to you alright? I just wanted to get you outta there before you started to feel too bad that I couldn't help you."

"What are you talking about?" Brian asked.

"I talking about how you would have been kicking yourself in the ass everything you thought about this because you thought you could do something. Hey guess what, you couldn't!" AJ shouted, "he was going to do this no matter what you did."

"AJ calm down," Brian interupted.

"I just don't want to see you go down like that," AJ said lowering his voice but the anger in his voice was still strong, "watching this happen to Nick is bad enough already."

"AJ I was never going to get that far..."

"Yeah thats what you think and I bet you that's what Nick thought, but here we are. Dealing with something we thought would never get as far as it did. Life holds no guarantees and you of all people should know that by now."

"Look I know that AJ," Brian responded with a little anger in his voice, "but don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid. I have my life under control."

"I don't know Bri, what you saw back at Nicks, it was a lot for anyone to handle. I just want to make sure that you're alright. 'Cause I sure as hell know that I would have been flippin' out if I was there when Nick did this. I wouldn't know how to take it either. So don't be afraid to say that you don't know what to do," AJ said, trying to lightin up the conversation.

"Do you honestly think that I've been walking around here thinking that I knew exactly what I was doing?" Brian yelled becoming completely overcome by rage, "please I wish I knew what the hell I was doing."

"Yo Rok calm down," AJ replied softly, "I didn't mean to piss you off. I just wanted you to know that we're as lost as you are." Brian closed his eyes before bringing his hands to his face for a moment before letting them drop again.

"I know I'm sorry," Brian apologised, "I'm just tired. I didn't mean to jump on you like that. I'm real sorry man."

"Hey it's okay," AJ responded, "lets go home and get some sleep. We know that Nick is going to be alright now so maybe you can get some sleep okay?"

"Yeah I guess that would be a good idea. Just let me go get Leighanne and I'm gonna go," Brian agreed. AJ nodded and Brian walked down towards the waiting room where everyone was waiting. AJ took one more quick glance at Nicks door before he too started down the hall.

Chapter 17

Nick closed his eyes as he remained laying in the hospital bed. In a couple of days or so, he knew that he was going to be sent to another hospital because they thought that he was crazy. He wasn't crazy, just hurt. Hurt by everything that had happened to him. The loss of Ericka was too much for him to deal with, why couldn't they accept that? Everyone was forcing him to move on and forget about her, he just couldn't do that. He loved her way too much to do that.

A tear soon fell from Nicks eye, releasing the pain that he had begun holding in again. He messed everything up again and probably lost Tyler forever. There would be no way that Nick would be able to convince Tyler's grandmother that he was ready to take him again. Not after what happened. No matter what anyone told him, he knew that she would never trust him again.

"Mr. Carter," a doctor asked as he stepped into the room. Nick looked over at him, not even bothering to brush away his tears because he knew that he would just start crying again anyway.

"Yes?" Nick replied, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible.

"You're going to be checked out of here later this afternoon," he informed Nick, "but you're going to be taken to another hospital across town. They want to talk to you and help you. Are you okay with that?"

"I'm not crazy Doctor," Nick told him sadly, "I'm really not."

"Mr.Carter, we don't think you're crazy. We just think that you need some help. You're going through a really though time and that's okay because it happens alright? We just want to make sure that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else ever again," the doctor explained to him.

"How long would I have to stay?"

"A couple of days. Nothing too serious if the doctors over there think that you're better able to handle the situation."

"What about my son? What's going to happen to him?" Nick asked. He didn't want anything to happen to Tyler. He just wanted to make sure that he was safe and happy. That's what he was worried about most.

"I'm sure he's going to be just fine," the doctor assured him, "though I don't know what your rights are about that. Is he with his mother right now?" Nick cringed at the doctors words. He only wished that they could be together, he wouldn't be in this situation if they could.

"Uh.... no," Nick answered softly, "she died a couple months ago in a car accident. He's staying with his grandparents right now."

"I'm sorry to hear about that," the doctor replied.

"So what's going to happen in this hospital that you're sending me to?"

"Some people are going to be talking to you, that's all. They're going to try and find the reason why you attempted suicide," the doctor informed Nick.

"I can tell you that," Nick said seriously as he looked up at the doctor, "it's because she's dead."

"That's no reason to want to kill yourself. You have a son, what would he do without both of his parents? What would he think about all of this when he's older?"

"I don't know, I just, I don't know what to do."

"Well, that's what the doctors are going to help you figure out. Everything is going to be just fine alright Mr. Carter?" Nick nodded just because he wanted to be left alone and he hoped that the doctor has said everything that he intended to and would soon be leaving him. The doctor was silent, and then he made his exit, leaving Nick alone.

It was almost impossible for Nick to supress his tears. Everything that the doctor said was true, he knew it was, but he just couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. No one knew what he was going through. They didn't have to witness the murder of the person that they loved more than anything. They didn't have to live day after day believing that they could have done something different that could have saved a life. Guilt wasn't in their hearts.

"Nick," came AJ's tired voice.

"I don't want to talk to anyone right now," Nick replied.

"Come on, don't do that. You need to talk right now," AJ said, not willing to be defeated.

"You don't know what I need AJ," Nick snapped.

"There's no way in hell that you're going to get any better by keeping all your feelings inside," AJ commented, changing the subject slightly, "Trust me, I've tried it and all it does is get you in some deep shit."

"You don't know.....," Nick started with his voice trailing off as it became harder for him to fight off his impending tears.
"What don't I know Kaos? Tell me so that I can help you."

"There isn't anything that you can do," Nick said bitterly.

"How do you know that?"

"Because you can't bring Erika back!" Nick yelled, "she's dead. She's going to stay dead and there isn't anything that you can do to change that!"

"Neither can you Nick," AJ answered calmly, "doing this to yourself is just making things so much worse on you. Don't bring yourself down over what happened that night. There wasn't anything that you could have done."

"SHUT UP!!!" Nick yelled, covering his ears, not wanting AJ to fill his mind with that garbage. He knew that there was something that he could have done to protect Erika. Warm tears started streaming down Nicks cheeks as he kept his hands to his ears.

"Let it out Nick," AJ said softly as he came closer to Nick and sat down on the bed next to him, "let it all out, alright buddy. Cry, it's alright."

"This can't be happening," Nick sobbed as AJ put his arm around his shoulder.

"It'll be over soon, okay? Just let it all out now, you can tell me all about it," AJ suggested.

"I'm scared AJ. I don't know if I can do this," Nick confessed.

"Yo Nick, you'll be able to alright? You seen how many people came out here tonight to make sure that you were alright. We're all going to be behind you."

"You don't know what I've been through, you don't know how hard this is," Nick explained as he continued to cry.

"You're right, and that's why we're making sure that you get help from someone who knows what they're doing. But I promise, that it'll be cool alright. Things will be better."

"That's easy for you to say..."

"I know Nick. You've gotta believe me alright? Don't give up."

"I want Tyler back AJ," Nick confessed, "I need him." AJ shut his eyes. He didn't know what to say to Nick. He knew that there was no way that Tylers grandparents were going to let Nick take him again. Not after what happened and not so soon.

"I know you do," AJ replied, not knowing what else to say.

"What did Brian and Leighanne tell him about what happened?" Nick questioned.

"I don't know. Honestly, I don't think they had much time to talk to him. His grandmother showed up so fast I don't think Leighanne even had the chance to think."

"What do you think they told him?"

"I dunno buddy. We can ask when you get better if you want."

"Alex, can I talk to Nickolas alone?" Mrs. Nelson said as she walked into the hospital room. AJ looked up at her and nodded.

"Sure, Nick, I'll be in the waiting room if you need me," he said as he walked out of the room. Nick nodded and then turned his full attention to Mrs. Nelson.

"How are you doing Nickolas?" she asked.

"Not good," he answered, "how's Tyler?"

"He's okay. He keeps asking about you and a puppy," she answered. Nick smiled to himself. Tyler really wanted that puppy.

"What did you tell him about me?" Nick asked as the smile dissappeared from his face.

"That you're not feeling well."

"Is he here?"

"No, he's back at house with his grandfather," she explained.

"When am I going to be able to see him again?"

"I don't know Nick. Whenever you get your life back together. I'm doing what I think is best for the both of you. Right now I think Tyler would be much better off with me for a little while." Nick nodded and sighed.

"Can you tell him that daddy loves him?"

"Always Nickolas. Never once have I said that you didn't."

"I don't want you to hate me either," Nick answered.

"I don't hate you..."

"You act like you do."

"Well I don't. You were the most important thing in my daughters life. You gave me my only grandchild. Nickolas, I don't hate you."

"Nick, the doctor said that you can go," Brian said as he opened the door to the hospital room but stopped when he saw Tylers grandmother there. AJ hadn't told him that she was back there.

"Okay, thanks Brian. Who's going to give me a ride over to the other hospital?"

"The doctors have set something up for you," he explained.

"Alright, I should be going, Mrs. Nelson," Nick said as he stood up from the bed. She nodded.

"Good luck Nickolas," she replied.

"Thanks."

Chapter 18

Nick had only been there for an hour, but it was the longest hour of his life. Millions of thoughts had gone through his mind as remained curled up into a ball on the bed. If he hadn't messed up like he had, he could be spending time with his son right now. He could be at his own house, in his own bed. That's not how things really were. He was lost in a world that he feared he could never escape. It had taken completely over him and there wasn't enough strength left in him to conquer it.

Nick pulled his arms tighter around his legs, as though he felt it brought him some sort of protection. He'd stopped crying long ago only because he had run out of tears. Crying had been a way of life for him. No matter what he did, he couldn't stop it from happening. His emotions were overwhleming and took control of his senses and mind. There was nothing that he could do to control it. It had gone too far. No one knew what he was going through. They hadn't been in his shoes for the past six months. There was no way that they could feel his pain; his loss.

He forced himself to take another shaky breath as he continued to keep himself balled up. Nothing could touch him right now. No one was around. The second someone came in, all of his security would vanish. He could already feel the pair of eyes that would be staring at him. Picking him apart and tearing down the wall he built. He would be completely vulnerable. Open to all sorts of pain.

He hated himself for not asking Brian to come with him. Maybe that way there would be someone there that knew how to comfort him. Talk to him and tell him that things were going to be okay. Though he had blown up at Brian for saying that to him in the first place, it did give him some kind of hope. It told him that someone else believed in him which gave him the courage to go on. Nick had to remember to call Brian and thank him for doing what he did. He'd probably be a lot worse off if Brian hadn't been around to protect him like he had.

Everyone was just trying to help him but he was making it almost impossible to let anyone inside of his heart and let them know what he was feeling. That was the last thing that Nick wanted. He didn't want the whole world to know the immence pain that he had been dealing with. He didn't want to pick up the paper one day and read endless criticism about his emotions. Most of all, the didn't want to give the impression that he was weak. Nick knew he wasn't weak, just hurt. Reporters would have just exploided him and he was sure of that.

Just wait until they find out about this one, he thought to himself as he gripped tighter to his legs. So many lies are going to come out of this. He just hoped that Tyler wasn't brought into any of it. He had nothing to do with what was going on and the press should just leave him out of it. What are the odds on that though? If Nick had learned anything being in this business, it's that people will sink to all sorts of lows for a story.

Never was the persons feelings considered when they are being brought down in paper after paper. The only thing that they can do is try and act like it doesn't effect them. Act like it doesn't matter to them, that they don't care about what people think. Nick shut his eyes tighter when he heard the door to his room open. Go away, leave me alone his mind yelled as he heard the approaching footsteps. Fear and sadness washed over him. Regret started to slowly seep into his system. Though he knew he was in the right place, he didn't want to be there. Things were going to be too hard. He wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Mr. Carter," the doctor said softly, unaware that Nick was awake. Nick sighed as he bit down on his lip. He was going to have to face the doctor sometime. Why fight it since he was here now.

"Yeah.." Nick answered, his voice dry and weak. His eyes blood shot and tearstained cheeks were completely visable. Not that Nick would have been able to hide it if he wanted to or had the energy to.

"How are we feeling this morning Mr. Carter?" the doctor asked as he took a seat on a chair by Nicks bed. Nick sniffled and turned to face the doctor.

"Lost," Nick answered honestly as he looked up at the doctor.

"Why's that?"

"I don't know," Nick answered a moment later. "It just seems like I've lost complete control over my life. Everything just seems to go wrong."

"You do know that no one ever lives a perfect life. Hardships are everywhere these days," the doctor told him. Nick sighed.

"Yeah, I realize that, but I don't think most people go through what I've gone through."

"So why don't you tell me what you've gone through so that I can help you." Nick glared at the doctor hesitatnly. He didn't want to reveal his deepest darkest secrets to anyone let alone some doctor that he had just met seconds ago.

"I've been through a lot of things. The group that I'm in.... they.. we've been through a lot and that's really all that I've ever known," Nick stated reluctantly. "It's hard growing up in the spot light, never having any privacy. Always having to wonder whether someone likes me because of who I am or the person who I really am is hard. Not knowing who I can trust and who I can't. Losing the one woman that loved me through it all... that... when that happened, a part of me died too." Nick stopped and looked at the doctor. After a few moments had passed, Nick continued. "Erika was everything to me. She was the only woman that had come into my life that loved me through it all. She made me feel complete. When I was with her, I knew I had found the woman for me. She'd even given me a son. I can't tell you how much I love Tyler.. he's.... he's everything to me. When she died that night, I knew that nothing would ever be the same again."

"Tell me what happened that night, Nick," the doctor urged. Nick nervously looked at the doctor. He never wanted to relive that night again. It was by far the worst night of his life and always would be.

"I... I can't," Nick replied with a lone tear rolling down his cheek.

"You're going to have to tell me so that I can help you deal with it Nick. If you just hold it inside, you'll never get over it. So please, will you tell me what happened that night."

"I was taking her out," Nick started after he was able to regain some control over his tears. "Brian, one of my best friends, was looking after Tyler for us so that we could have a night out. Erika didn't want to go out. She just wanted to stay home, but I wasn't having that. Finally, she agreed to go out. I was so excited. I had been planning this night for weeks. I'd rented a beach so that we could be alone. When we got there I was going to ask her to marry me. But on the way there.... this car..it was moving really fast. I didn't know what to do so I tried to pull over," Nick explained with tears building in his eyes. "It all happened so fast. I remember hearing this loud crash. I knew he had hit the car. Erika screamed. Then our car was rolling down the side of some hill and the next thing I remember is waking up to call 911. When we got to the hospital, they had told me she died."

"And you blame yourself for what happened that night, don't you?" the doctor questioned. Tears started to rapidly pour from Nicks eyes as he nodded in responce. "Nick you do realize that you in no way what-so-ever had anything to do with her death?"

"If we had just stayed home..."

"How could you have known that something was going to happen. You had no way of knowing that someone terrible was going to occur. For all you knew it was a night just like any others. Erika's death is not your fault."

"If that's the truth, then why can't I convince my heart that what you're saying is true?"

"Because you miss her and you want some sort of justification. By constantly telling yourself that you were the one that caused her death, you feel as if you have almost lost the sence of what really happened. Nick, the driver of that other car killed Eika. He was the one that was driving recklessly. You and Erika were just innocent people who happened to cross his path."

"Why of all nights, did this guy happen to go out and do what he did? Why the night I was taking her out?"

"Nick, we don't know what was going on in that other mans life. There's a good chance that he was just being stupid, intoxicated himself and thought he was well enough to drive. Or he could have been facing a lot of hardships in his life and had no intention on hurting anyone."

"Yeah well whatever his reason for doing what he did was, doesn't matter to me because Erika is gone because of him," Nick stated. "And I don't think that you should be making up excuses for him. No matter what was going on he shouldn't have done that."

"That's right Nick. What happened that night was due to the driver of the other car. It wasn't you and now I think you're starting to believe that."

Chapter 19

Brian sighed as he took the key out of the ignition and looked foward towards the hospital that Nick had been taken to. It was time to take him home. The doctors had called and told him that Nick was on his way to recovery and this was the perfect time for him to spend with loved ones. Brian took one last look at the hospital and headed towards the enterance. Casually he walked inside with the jingleing sound of his keys the only thing he could hear.

The only thing that was going through his mind was what if this was a bad idea? He knew what happened to Nick the last time the sought help. It put him in the hospital. Maybe he shoul stay here a little longer just in case. What could a few more days hurt? Brian knew that he would feel a lot better if that was the case, instead of this. There was alreay fear in Brians heart. He didn't want to fail again. He already attempted to take care of him and he missed all of the signs. Leighanne had told him that he did everything that he humanly could but Nick was going to do what he wanted. His pain was just too great.

There was always that fear in the back of Brians' mind that he had in some way played a part in Nicks' break down. No matter what any one said, he would still have that tiny bit of guilt in his heart, much like Nick had felt when all of this had began. It's funny how life can turn on someone. One day you're living your life like nothing could ever touch you and only moments later, you're at a point where anything could break you. For the first time since everything had begun, Brian really understood how Nick felt.

Brian took a deep breath once he arrived at Nicks room. This was it. Nick was coming home now, the doctors had said he was ready. Brians' trembling hands reached for the door knob. Slowly, he opened the door to find Nick sitting on the bed staring towards the window. Nervously, Brian spoke.

"Hey Nick, it's time to go," he stated. Nick turned around the face Brian. Their eyes locked and Nick nodded. Brian remained still as he watched Nick pick up his small bag.

"Thanks for coming to pick me up," Nick answered.

"It's no problem," Brian replied as he and Nick headed towards the car. "How you feeling?"

"A lot better, I really needed this," Nick answered honestly. "I needed to be here." Brian remined silent as they walked into the parking lot, he really wasn't sure what he should say. There were so many things that he wanted to know. He wanted to know what it was like in the hospital, but he surpressed his questions in order to give Nick time to adjust.

"Have you seen Tyler?" Nick asked as he threw his bag into the backseat of Brians' car.

"Not since that day, when Leighanne and I took him to the park," he answered. Nick sighed.

"Do you think I can see him? I really want to explain what happened," Nick replied as the two men entered the car. Brian glanced over at Nick.

"You want to tell him that you attepmted suicide?" Brian questioned, slightly shocked.

"Yeah."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean he's only four. He's not really going to understand what you did."

"I know and that's why I want to explain what and why I did it. He desirves to know."

"I agree with you but don't you think you should wait until he's a little older? This might really hurt him. He almost lost both of his parents. Wouldn't that have hurt you when you were his age," Brian said. "This is a really mature, serious topic and I don't think that Tyler is ready to know about this yet."

"Brian, I think I know what is good for my own son," Nick replied as Brian started up the car and started to head out of the parking lot and towards the highway.

"I'm saying that you don't know how to raise your son, I'm just suggesting that maybe you should wait until he's a little older. I'm not telling you to not tell him. You should tell him, but not now. It's just the wrong time."

"You haven't been any help!!!" Nick yelled suddenly. "You came around and look at all this shit that happened. You should be the last person telling me what to do!" Brian glanced quickly over at Nick, his look showing his shock.

"Fine then, I'm sorry," Brian answered softly. He didn't know how to take Nicks outburst. It was the last thing he was expecting to happen, at least this late in the stage.

"No, Brian I'm sorry," Nick said a little while later. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I didn't mean it. I...," Nick paused and took in a deep breath, "everything is just pissing me off and I don't know how to handle it any more."

"What happened back there?"

"Everything that I needed to happen," Nick answered honestly.

"Then why are you so mad?" Brian asked cautiously.

"For being as stupid as I was."

"You weren't stupid, you were just in a lot of pain. It's okay to be in pain bro. All of us get hurt sometime," Brian stated.

"I know," Nick said. "So how've you been? How is everyone?"

"I'm okay, glad to see you're feeling better. You're family is a little crazy on the other hand," Brian explained. "They couldn't get in touch with you and they were flipping out."

"I didn't want to hear from them. I told the nurse not to put them through because I knew all that they would do is call me and ask if I'm alright. That alone is enough to drive a man crazy.. I was already there, I didn't need any more." Brian laughed lightly.

"You going to call them when you get home?"

"Yeah, I just want to make it quick because I really don't want to talk about this any more than I have to. I'm feeling better, I really am."

"I believe you man. So what happens now?"

"My doctor set it up that I have to come back every month or so, so that they can just check up on me to make sure that I'm doing okay. Other than that, I have the rest of the time to get my life back on track. Get things cleared up with Ty's grandparents so I can at least see him every one in a while."

"I'm sure they'll let you back in. Mrs. Nelson wouldn't have come to see you at the hospital if she didn't believe in you man," Brian replied. Nick nodded.

Epiolgue

Living is learning to deal with pain. Everyone has to deal with pain one way or another. Some people have more severe cases. Death and a sence of loss take control of everything else that is going on and blinds the fact that there will be better days. I've had to learn that the hard way. I spent nearly a year of my life learning to deal with loss.

There are still somedays when I still don't understand why all of this had to happen to me, but there's really no explaination. Now, I just live my life one day at a time. That's really the only thing that I can do at this point.

Ty still doesn't know what happened to me that day. I decided to take Brians advice and wait until he's older to explain it to him. Mr. and Mrs. Nelson have been surprisingly understanding since I was let out of the hospital. I guess they see is as my way of showing them that I really do want to get better. Ty spends the weekends with me and go over there a lot every other day just to see him. By the way... I finally did get him that puppy I promised and I'm on my way over there right now....