“Long lost memories”

Tomorrow will a new chapter be written in the Backstreet history. Another member is tying the knot. Getting hooked or if you prefer getting caught in the snarl of marriage. Three will be down and only two more to go before we all become like responsible husbands living our all so ordinary family life. Gone are the days when I and AJ were dating around, chasing woman at clubs. Instead he will take the vows and will be faithful for ever. Duh it’s Bone that we’re talking about so honestly I doubt the last part even though it sounded kind of romantic in words

Yes you heard me; it’s AJ that will step up the aisle. You didn’t think it was me did you? No way! No fucking way. I’m only twenty five, living the prime of my manhood and there is not a chance that I will be the one walking up the alter. Not now and not for a long time to pass. Media always tries to pair me up with all sorts of girls and when they ask about marriage I know that I get something nervously in my eyes. Maybe it’s the thought of having to spend my whole life with someone else, share laughter and sorrow for better and worse and not being able to date around other woman in the process. I know that it sounds immature but commitment of all sorts scares me.

Another one that hasn’t walked over the threshold to marriage is Howie. To tell you the truth I have no idea when and if that will ever happened. I know that he dated Leigh on and off for the past five years but it always seems to be just that and never becoming more serious. There have been times when it crossed my mind if the reason for Howies private life and that he is rarely seen with female companionship is because he is attracted to the opposite sex, but then I always decide that it can’t be the case since I know what a player Sweet D can be at times. Also don’t you think that I would have noticed something since I’ve known these guys half my life and know them better than my own family?

The marriage is supposed to happen tomorrow. That is if AJ doesn’t get cold feet like last time when he was suppose to marry Sarah and call it all off. With Bone you never know what kind of card he has up his sleeve. He always seems to amaze me like last time when I really thought that Sarah would be the one to capture both his heart and money and when to my surprise there came a letter that told us that everything wad cancelled and that they wanted time to think it all over. What went on I have no freaking idea but my guess is that either he turned chicken or was caught in bed with some blonde bimbo. You take your pic on your options, I’ve already done mine!

In anyway this time AJ says that he is soooo serious with this love but Bah! I believe it when I see the ring on his finger. There have been far too many times when AJ had promised something and then ended up doing something totally different. Like all those times when he promised us to go and see a counsellor but then “accidentally forgot” it! That guy can sometimes be so full of shit that I really doubt if he has the skill to wipe his own ass.

I bet you’re wondering what kind of woman caught AJ this time and her name is Monique Cunningham. Half French, half American brunette that used to work as a model but is an actress now. She’s a real bombshell and you don’t have to be a professor to figure out what kinds of roles he played in or what kind of genre that is her greatest. AJ however gets really pissed when I mention something like that. But then who am I to talk when I have dated lots of girls that would fit in the stable of Playboy.

By the look of it she and Bone are really happy together and rumour has it that they are expecting a backstreet baby. At least that is what the gossip magazines says, I on the other hand have no confirmation about this all I know is that they married mighty fast. I think they have known each other for like eight months; they met when we first started touring with our latest album and from that time they became a couple. If it’s true however it would be the third backstreet baby in the nest. Yes I said third since Kristin gave birth to a small boy three months back and these days it’s like a day-care centre when we go on tour. . Brian’s Bailey is like three years old and he is really cute and I wouldn’t be surprised if Leigh-Ann would soon be knocked up again since I know how much Bri wants a large family. If that will happened you might at least think that he would name his kid to something else than a brand for a Liquor. Baileys you know. Especially when you don’t even like the taste of it. But then there are lots of things that I don’t understand about him! For his defence I most say that there are probably one or two things that he doesn’t understand about me either.

“Shit where is it?” I cuss out loud as I rummage through my closet in a desperate search for that black tuxedo I wore to Brian’s wedding. Ok I know it’s like a few years back as well as pounds but that doesn’t stop me for searching and right now I don’t have much other choice then to find it.

Shopping is defiantly out of the question.

You see with one of my old girlfriends; the oh so famous Paris Hilton, all we did was shop. Shop and make out. The last part wasn’t that bad but the shopping I could do without. If I have to look at another pair of Gucci handbags or another dress by Prada I think I might vomit! There was no limit to the stores that we could go through in a day and if I hadn’t had my cell phone there is no telling where this could have ended. Probably with me locked up in a mental institution rambling about handbags.

The girl in my life right now is a total different story. She is the normal and genuine kind and she is the one that can have a burp contest with my buddies and still be as sweet as a princess when we walk up for a photo shoot at some award show. She is also pretty hot and her name is Molly. Lucky for me she is in the industry too as a dancer so she knows what kind of hell I can go through as an artist. We haven’t moved our bags together but if there is one woman I can at least think of spending my time with it’s her! If things turns out great between us she might also be the one that I can imagine carrying my child, but that is something that would in that case happen further down the road and like I said before. No marriages though.

Man I am really making up for the nicknames Kaos and Messy Marvin I decide as I dig through what feels like tons of clothes. Right now, I decide, the outcome of finding my tux have pretty much gone down the drain and my only other solution is to grab my wallet and go shopping since I can’t come naked to the wedding, can I? Not that I think many would notice the difference. Ok maybe they would, anyways I don’t think that either Monique or Bone would appreciate it if I arrived in my birth suit. With a sigh I dig through my suits, mostly from Calvin Klein and some other expensive brands. Yes! I do own such stuff too, even if I rarely wear it. You see when it’s some award show or some other celebrity event all those designers send me clothes. Pretty wild huh? I have never been into that kind of stuff but both Howie and Kevin gets off of it. Don’t get me wrong, I like clothes..to certain amount at least, but it’s not something that I live for or even pay that much attention too.

When I have made sure off that there is no such clothing in my closet I feel my spirit go away. Shit what am I going to do now? Will there be a hasty ride into the city where some Paparazzi will follow me and then it will be all over the net that Nick bought his tuxedo to his best friends wedding only hours before it was suppose to happen? Will I once again be pointed out as the self-centred corny bastard that so many think that I am when I walk into the ceremony with my beloved khaki pants and a tee? Sneakers too I might add. Or will I be able to come to the ceremony dressed like anyone else and then act like the mature man I’m supposed to be?

Right now the outcome looked like option number one would be the winner. Not good for all the fashion gurus that would be at the wedding. But heck a guy gotta do what a guy gotta do and at least I wouldn’t come naked to the church, which is always a comfort!

Just then something crossed my mind. What if I, or more likely mom, had stored the wanting object up in the attic? With that in mind I climbed up the ladder that lead to the attic and once I had reached my destination all I noticed was that it was dark and full off stuff.

Phew! It smelled like rat too, not that I know how it smells but in anyway it smelled stale. Creeping on the floor since it was too dark to stand up and walk and too much stuff too I might add, I turned on the light. Shuddering I noticed that it was full off spider webs in the corners and by the look it had been a while since someone was up on the attic. Carefully I made my moves to a pile of boxes standing in a corner; all the while I was scanning the room for creepy bugs to appear.

I hate bugs and spiders and such stuff!

The creepy part with those monsters is that you never know what can be luring in the corners and when I was little and played at grandmas house, out in the country, me and my cousins always imagined what kind of spiders would attacking us. The black widow and so on. Shaking those disturbing thoughts away I bent down over one of the boxes and opened it up. It turned out to be filled with my old toys and even though I would have loved picking up a boat or a car to play with continued with my search instead.

After scanning through several boxes I found my hope demised and if it wasn’t for the fact that shopping didn’t sound too tempting I would have stopped a long time ago. With a deep sigh I opened another box and when I stuck down my hand it connected with something hard. Curious I opened the box a bit further only to pull out a black book covered with dust. The item hadn’t been touched for a long time and as I blew the dust off its cover I noticed the letters hand printed in gold “Nick’s scrap book to success, part 1”

What I held in my hand was a piece of my life.

Quickly I opened it up only to be met with pictures and text about me. Mom had saved every article there was, at least when I was younger, and there were pictures from all kinds of ages. Looking down the box I found that there were five more scrap books and just when I thought it was no more I found another box. A never one and looking in that one I found five more books.. Shit I never knew that I had done so much! Or that she had saved it all.

Mom can be very secretive sometimes and as far as I remember she never told me that she had saved everything in these books. Checking out the last one I found that it was from the latest tour so that meant that she had been up here not long ago. At once I felt such an urge to check them out since I didn’t have much more to do that day. Molly was out of town working so I have all the time to myself. With that I gathered a pile of books and made my way down the ladder. There was not a chance that I would stay up in the attic together with all the spiders or possible ghosts. As soon as I had taken all eleven books down I placed my butt in the living room sofa, turned on some music and started my trip down memory lane….

Just a note: On my homepage there are pictures from Nick's scrap book to every chapter...Check it out..http://www.angelfire.com/band2/backstreetfics/

“ The very first beginning”

The first photos in the scrap book are pics of me as a baby. I was kind of fat and bald- headed, in a way looking the same as I do now. Ok that was a joke now you can laugh. Seriously mom has told me that I was a very happy and satisfied baby. I was born in Jamestown New York at that same hospital as that famous actress Lucille Ball. There are other pictures of me too..One with me in a diaper! Mom used it in her book that she wrote about me and Aaron. At that time I was pretty pissed but now years later it’s ok. I mean it’s not the first pic you want everybody in the world to see.

There is an article about me singing at a football game here in Florida. It makes me smile since I remembered that event. I was really entertaining the crowd that time and lots of people came up afterwards and told me that I was really rockin’.

But the photo that catches my eye is that one of me at like 11 years old and looking plain happy. Those were the days! I was kind of carefree and I wasn’t that much into the entertaining business yet. Me and the guys hadn’t joined up so I was pretty much just doing what I wanted to do. That is playing videogames, being with friends and playing Basketball. Life was pretty soft if it hadn’t been for all those auditions that mom dragged me along too...

*********************************************Flashback*****************************************************

“Nick...Niiiiccckkkky!!”

It was my mom calling out for me and it only resulted in me hiding even more. I was hiding in my favourite tree, high up in the top. Looking down through the leaves I saw her running up and down the yard searching for me. Still I made no sound. It was my best friend Brent that wanted to reveal my hiding place.

“Nick your mom is calling for you,” he said.

I nodded but made no move. “I know.”

He looked at me strangely. “Uh...Maybe we should get down then?”

“No.” I shook my head. “It’s just another stupid audition.” Before Brent had a chance to answer me the sound of my mother’s shrill voice sounded through the air.

“Niiiiiiiiicccckkkkk...Niiiiicckkkkyyyyyy...where are youuuuuuuuu? We have to get goiiiinggggggg or we’re going to be laaaateee”

Ignoring my mom I continued telling Brent about that really cool game I had seen in a store yesterday. But he didn’t listen. “Carter I don’t wanna spoil anything but it sounds really urgent. I think you should get down so she doesn’t get mad.”

I shrugged but when he made a move to climb down I stopped him with grabbing his arm. “NO. I don’t wanna go today. Let’s stay up here instead. You know hiding.”

He raised an eyebrow but didn’t object. It isn’t for nothing he is my best friend. “Sure..if you wanna do that, why not?”

I smiled. “Good.”

I knew I was acting childish but the truth was that I was so sick and tired of all these auditions. My mom had become really obsessed lately with having me try out all sorts of entertainment acts and for once I just wanted to stay home. Don’t get me wrong. I like being on stage but stuff like that can be too much and right now all I wanted to do was to be with Brent and be a normal kid, just like him.

“Nick!” My mom’s voice had changed from just being shrill and urgent to being mad. “Nick come right down from that tree at once.”

Crap she had found my hiding place. I bit my lip.

“Stop being so childish,” she argued. “They are waiting for you and the worst thing is to let them wait and...”

Yadda...Yadda...Yadda.

I covered my ears with my hands, not wanting to listen to the lecture she was about to give me that if you wanted to make it in this line of business you had to work hard to reach your goal and that meant working even when you wanted to do something totally different. I had heard those words so many times before that I knew it before hand.

Brent looked at me frowning. “You ok?”

I didn’t have a chance to answer because my mother was yelling so loud under the tree. “Nickolas Gene Carter! If you don’t come down here this instant I am getting your father and you know how upset he will be if you don’t do what you are supposed to do.” Her tone was hard and I knew that she meant business. I had no other choice then to get down there with her and then go to that stupid audition.

Feeling like I had lost the game I started to climb down and the moment my feet hit the ground my mom was beside me, grabbing my arm. “Nick what do you mean by acting like this to me?” She looked furious.

I shrugged. It was a long time since I stopped trying to explain to her that all I wanted to do was to play and have some fun. Not always trying out for this event or that song.

“You should be grateful for your talent and...”

Another speech. I sighed while doing my best to block out the words I knew so well. That I was being ungrateful and that there were lots of children that would do everything to be in my shoes and that I had a real gift and so on.

“Sorry Mrs Carter.” Brent said when he too had climbed down from the tree. He was the one to interrupt my mother and she looked at him annoyed. For a moment I thought that she would lash out at him too but then she stopped herself. “That’s ok Brent.” She smiled at him.

At that moment I knew that this days bashing was over and I made a small move to get out of my moms grip. But I have never been good at judging situations since she said hard to me, “And where do you think that you’re going young man?”

I swallowed hard. “No...Nowhere.” Now I felt really down. All I wanted to do was to have some fun and my mom acted like I had committed a crime. It didn’t help that she said half joking, half serious, “Sometimes I think that I need to glue the microphone in your hand so that you really know how important it is to practice.” She either must have sensed that I was really in no mood standing there arguing in front of Brent or she felt a bit embarrassed since she said with a sigh, “Oh well Nickolas now that you have come down we have to get going or we will be late.” With that she patted me on my shoulder. “Come on now honey.”

I grunted but didn’t object. It was better to swallow down the feelings that I felt then arguing. In my world I hadn’t done anything bad and only wanted to be like any other kid being with friends and all. But the goal that was set for me made that hard, sometimes even impossible to do. Even though I was just a kid.

************************************************Nick********************************************************

I sighed. Man that was some kind of memory. That was my world. I was running, or more likely mom was running to all these auditions, me getting dragged along. I got offered a part at Disney but I didn’t accept it since mom kept telling me that I would be something bigger than that. In the nights when I couldn’t sleep she encouraged me not to stop even if I think that she knew how much I wanted to quit at times. The auditions were taking up time for me and I had to cut school more and more often. This resulted in the kids thinking I was weird and a nerd since I didn’t do any sports at all. The only time I was like a kid was those rare occasions when I had the chance to play with Brent and the other guys in the street. It was somewhere in this circus...I think that I got to know Howie and AJ. We had known each other for some time, talking and such at auditions and I thought that they were both kind of cool guys. Especially AJ with his cool and bad attitude. Kevin came along too but in the beginning he wasn’t part of the picture and it wasn’t until that time when I was one of five guys that won an audition and Lou called mom and dad and told them that he wanted me to join the band that I really understood that something big was supposed to happen.

If I was happy it was nothing compared to how excited mom got. She acted like Lou was my saviour and she was talking so good about him. Dad was cooler about it and now when looking back I think he saw that I would be able to make another dollar. At that time we were having it kind of hard financially since dad had to stop his job since he had problems with his stomach. Having 5 children also proved to be stressful and there were times that I would rather forgot, especially all that arguing that went on about the money. My opportunity to get together with the guys and start a band was something that was looked upon from a good outcome but what they didn’t realize was that they would have to wait for a long time before the cash would start rolling in and until then we were making mostly cents. Up until then it was mostly a long wait….

*********************************************Flashback*****************************************************

“The meeting of a soulmate”

Looking through the scrap book I found several pics of me and the guys, all but Brian. He hadn’t come into the picture yet so to speak and instead there were these other three guys; Keith, Sam and Gary. They were kind of cool but I think they got off wrong with Lou since he dumped them after a while. The formal reason was that Keith wanted to continue studying and Gary wanted to spend more time with the family. Sam on the other hand got pissed with them all and he left his singing carrier too. When I have met them on the street a thought have sometimes crossed my mind and that is if they have ever regretted their choice. From what I’ve hard off they have all went down different paths and maybe that is what life is all about. Taking chances and going down different roads.

Kevin was the next to join the band and I still remember the first I met him. At first I thought he was kind of boring and too serious. I guess that was because he was so much older than me and to him I was nothing but an annoying little shit! These first impressions I have come to re-think many times in the past and now more than eleven years later I think he is one of the greatest guys in the world. He has been there for me when I had a though time and he is also the one that I could lean against, through thick and thin, when things have been rocky. It’s no exaggeration when I tell you that he’s been like a big brother to me, yes even a father sometimes.

I love all of the guys. AJ is like my two years older brother that I can have lots of fun with. He takes me to wild parties and if it wasn’t for him I would be pretty uncertain about life. Howie on the other hand is like my second dad, or should I say mom since he has a great streak of comfort over him and whenever there is something bothering me he has been there for me, and it isn’t for nothing that he got the nickname Sweet D!

But no matter what the one that is closest to my heart is Brian. He has been my best buddy/slash brother since the day he walked into my life. We’ve had our ups and downs but never that bad that we couldn’t talk about it. At least on a later occasion. He is the one that I can both have fun to and talk serious with. He is my soul mate.

That was the sweet introduction to my so called Backstreet family. No wonder I turned up so screwed! *insert the laugh here* Ok they are not really my family but they are in a way closer to me than mom and dad ever will be.

************************************************flashback***************************************************

I was late. Very late for the rehearsal and for once it wasn’t my fault. The twins; Aaron and Angel didn’t have a babysitter and mom was totally stressed out. Dad was out on a one time job with the truck and no one had the time to take me to Orlando where the guys would practice. It was an hour’s drive away, maybe more today since it was spring holiday and lots of families went to Disney world.

“Nick we’re really late,” mom said as she rushed past me with a pile of clothes in her arms. Since Bobbie Jean wasn’t at home and Lesley was sick with a cold she had to take the twins with her to the drive up to Orlando. I felt really bad for this, especially when I noticed how stressed out she looked. Wanting to help her out I suggested that I could skip out of practice. At least for today and that it would mean that she didn’t need to stress so much.

For a few moments there was a flash of relief in her eyes, but then her posture changed and her face was clouded with worry. “No.” She shook her head. “We can’t do that. I promised Lou to take you every day to rehearsal and it’s really important that you follow that deal since Mr Pearlman has invested money in you, especially since you are in the very start of your success.”

I nodded. She was right.. I couldn’t afford skipping out of practice but that part about the success was kind of farfetched. So far we hadn’t done any real gigs, only played at some sports events and at a couple of bars. Since I was severally underage we weren’t allowed to play where they sold alcohol and I bet that Lou paid the owner some bucks so we could perform there. Now however Lou had a new gig coming up that he was very secretive about.

Even tough she had a point I felt it was important to state that I could still skip out of practice if that would ease the situation a bit. “But mom I don’t think that anyone would notice,” I started when a loud bang and then a scream was coming from the living room.

“Oh God what did the twins do now?” Mom yelled as she dropped what she held in her hands and then rushed to the living room area. I followed too, curious to see what my siblings had destroyed this time. Luckily it was only a vase with flowers that had felled down from the table and was lying on the rug. Both Aaron and Angel was sitting there, looking like innocent angels. The tension my mom felt caused her to react more harshly and she rushed up to my little brother and shook his arm. “Aaron what did you do this time?” she yelled.

“I didn’t do anything. It was Angel,” the five year old cried.

“It was not,” Angel cried and then ran to my mom who got upset that her little baby girl was crying. “Don’t lie to me!” Mom growled as she lectured up my little brother. Feeling bad for this I turned to my little brother’s defence.

“Mom it was only a small accident.” I took the crying Aaron into my arms and tried to comfort him tried to wipe the mess off the rug. When my little brother stopped crying I went back to eating up my bowl of cereal which was kind of soaked by this time. Somehow this very stressful situation had punctuated all the air out of me and I wasn’t feeling up to par to go to the rehearsal.

To be honest that wasn’t the only reason for the lack of interest I showed. Ever since I started in the group I felt a bit left out. Both Kevin and Howie were years older than me, being 22 and 20 years old. AJ on the other hand was only fifteen and even though there wasn’t much age difference we didn’t seem to have too much in common. AJ seemed to know half of Orlando since he lived in Kissimmee and when he was in the group he mostly hung out with the other guys. Especially Howie and that left me pretty much alone. Being the odd part in the group.

I also know that the rest of the guys mostly thought I was a hyper immature kid and that notion made me drag my feet along. This had mom being even more upset then before.

“Nick,” she said firmly. “Here I’m nearly stressing myself to death to be able to take you to Orlando and all you do is sit here. Stalling.” Mom was visible angry as she basked me out for not being grateful enough for the opportunity they (she, Lou and dad) had provided for me.

“I’m not stalling,” I started then stopped myself. If there were one thing my mom disliked it was when people was disobeying her and being the rowdy teen that I am it’s sometimes not that easy for her. She gave me an annoyed look.

“Nick what are you doing? You’re not spacing out again are you?” “No.” I shook my head. “Just thinking.”

A snort could be heard. “We don’t have time for that and we’re already more than an hour late and it’s going to be just as much traffic as I am guessing it will be we have to get going now.”

I nodded but made no move to stand. “Didn’t I tell you to hurry up?” She hurried past me again before I had a chance to answer.

“Don’t mind her,” Aaron said as he wrapped his small arms around my neck. “She is just tired.” Looking at the small kid that was trying to comfort me I couldn’t help to take notice that he could be so mature at times. Much more mature than any five year old should be.

Mom ran past again. Always on the run. “Are you guys ready to go then?” She was holding the twins jackets in her hands and I nodded in response. “Sure.” There was no use in trying to talk her out of the situation. When we went to the car she chirped all the way to Orlando and gone was the irritation that she had felt earlier on. That’s my mom. One minute irritated, the next laughing. Lots of emotions there.

I wasn’t just as cheerful. Maybe because of the fact that my best friend Brent had gone to a spring camp for basketball. The very same camp that I wanted to attend too but couldn’t for obvious reasons. On top of everything it was hot in the car and I was starting to feel a bit carsick but when I wanted to open the window mom told me to shut it since it could become drafty for the twins.

Sullenly I did as she told me since I didn’t want to upset her any further. When the ride had been in silence for a while mom asked me, “Nick isn’t it today that new boy from Kentucky is coming to you? Kevin’s cousin wasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, not sounding very happy at all. A new guy in the band was the last thing I needed right now. Another boy that would make me feels out of place. The mere thought of having to bear with a copy of Kevin, after all he was this guy’s cousin, made me feel nauseous and maybe this was the reason my stomach was doing flip flops right now.

“You don’t sound too anxious,” My mom took noticed as she drove the car. I shrugged my shoulders in response since she was right on that point.

“How come Nick?”

“I don’t know.” Today I wasn’t being very talkative. Maybe it was the fact that I was feeling kind of nervous about the new situation that I was in for or that the morning didn’t start out all that great, in any case I just wanted her to turn the car around so I could go back home again . In any case I just wanted her to turn the car around so I could go back again, but she did no such thing.

“Don’t be silly Nick,” she said when I told her my suggestion. “We can’t go back besides isn’t this what you’ve always wanted? To be able to sing and dance?” When my only response was to continue look out of the window she asked, “You don’t like it in this group? Are they not nice to you?” She went on asking questions but I didn’t answer a single one of them properly, mainly because I was being moody and didn’t feel like talking at all. Living in the Carter household can sometimes do that to you.

Finally she was reaching her limit. “Nick what is it now?” I was waiting for a bashing session when she turned to me, worry in her eyes. Maybe it was the fact that she cared that made me open my mouth to tell her how lost I felt in the group and that there were no one in my age that I could relate to when the twins started to fight in the backseat.

“Aaron, Angel stop it at once!” My mother yelled and my confession was drowned out from the sound of my siblings fighting.

“Mom..Aaron is hitting me,” Angel yelled while Aaron yelled back, “She is the one that started.” It went on like this for a period of time until mom had enough. Stepping on her breaks she yelled, “That’s it!” before serving the car towards an exit sign. When we reached the first avaible pit stop she threw her door open and jumped out off the car. After scolding my siblings about their behaviour she gave them, me, the verdict; “Nick you sit in between these rascals. Make sure that they don’t fight!”

“Me?”

“Yes you.” Mom was shaking with anger and the stress she was living under was becoming visible.

“But..but,” I was trying to object since the prospect of having to sit in a warm car in between two screaming kids was not something I was looking forward too. Mom however obviously thought it would be the best solution and she bashed me. “Nick! Don’t you ever do as I’m telling you?” Seeing the hurt in my eyes she calmed down a knot as she ran her hand through her hair in a tired gesture. “Honey, can’t you do as I tell you? Just for once in your life?”

That was unfair. I was too doing as she told me. Wasn’t I the one that would be coped up with rehearsal all weekend while my friends were out there playing basketball and having fun? I opened my mouth to tell her that I was to listening and doing what she wanted to when she gave me this tired look that told me that there were something more besides that I was bothering her. As a matter of fact I knew so she didn’t have to tell me. Money, Bills and Mortage.

I sighed. No matter how much I loved performing and wanted to be a part of the Backstreet Boys I thought it was a hassle too. It was hard business having to drive everyday to Orlando and even though mom and dad said it was ok I still knew that it was a bit too much for them too. The gas costs money and we’re not rich at all. Mom is working part time at an old folk’s home and dad is still unemployed since he had to quit his job when his stomach said stop. I’ve overheard them talking how upset they are over the money situation and whenever I mention about the lack of money my parents just shake their heads and say, “Don’t you worry baby. It’s going to work out just fine. You see.”

It didn’t help much that last night I overheard a conversation late at night between my mom and dad where they were talking about money, or the lack of it.” When Nick will make it in the show business you see that thing’s will become so much easier for us,” my mom said at one point and upon hearing those words I got a knot in my stomach. In a weird sense this meant that the burden lay upon me that I had to succeed so they could pay their bills. Maybe the lack of money was the main reason for mom to press my talent on people and maybe I would succeed one day. Then maybe not.

Since I’ve never liked fighting that much, even though I have some temper, I did as she told me and stuffed myself into the backseat between my shouting younger siblings. With a threatening voice and gesture, bailed my fist, I told them that they better shut up or I would make sure that they had to pay. Ok, they probably both knew that it was just words and no such actions would never occur, but I had to practice the right of being a big brother so they knew who was making the rules. Luckily for me the ride went pretty fast since the heat in the car was making me paler and paler as times passed. You can guess that I was more than happy when we finally drove up to the small rehearsal studio and I was freed from both my mom and the twins.

Quickly I ran to the door and as I was trying to come up with good possible explanations to why I was late to this rehearsal I knocked on the door. As always I expected to be met with a second scolding from Mr Pearlman for being late but to my surprise no such thing happened and instead an unknown boy with the bluest eyes that I had ever seen opened the door.

Stunned over this I stuttered. “Who…who are you?”

“Hi,” the guy responded with a thick southern drawl. “I’m Brian or you can call me B’rock.” He looked at me. “You most be Nick?” He reached out his hand too greet which I accepted a bit hesitatingly.

“So I see that you have already met my cousin.” Kevin said as he came up to the door.

I nodded. There were something different over Kevin too since he placed his arm around Brian’s shoulder. “This is Nick,” he said. “He’s the baby in the group.”

“We’ve already met.” Brian smiled towards me and I fidget a bit nervously. Kevin on the other hand set his eyes in me. “You’re late Nick.”

“Yeah..uh..” I started when Brian cut him short.

“And you’re the one to talk,” he said with a laugh. Turning to me he added, “Kevin is always late. If you haven’t notice.”

“Um..Ok.” I waited for the older boy to lash out instead he laughed and said something about that we had to get going since Mr Pearlman was waiting for us. He has something important to tell us. “

I nodded again. Feeling like a jerk. Brian noticed this too but he said causally, “Rough morning?”

Normally I would have snapped at anyone that had a nerve to comment on my family life but something about this guy made me glitz on my life for a second. I nodded. God Brian most has thought I was either mute or dumb.

“That’s ok.” Brian smiled. “I had a pretty rough morning my self. Flying from Lexington you know. Noticing my confused expression he added with a casual smile. “I’m afraid of heights.”

“Oh..ok.” Me, I had never flown in an airplane even though my relatives were from Jamestown New York. Since we were such a large family we often travelled by car instead. I stared at him. Was this guy actually admitting that he was afraid of something and not acting embarrassed about it? Usually that was my table. He was different then the other guys. So much different from AJ who was street smart all the time and Howie who was the silent type that rarely spoke unless he had something important to say. Much more different then the serious Kevin.

“And I guess it didn’t help that I’m kind of nervous coming here too.” Noticing my surprised expression he said with a laugh, “You know I had no idea what bunch of guys you would be even though Kevin spoke well about you all”.

This time my chin dropped to the floor. Was Brian nervous too? And had Kevin spoke well about us? Even about me who he clearly thought was a pain in the butt?”

“Come on let’s join the others and you can show me around the place.”

“Ok.” I lightened up. This guy acted genuinely interested in being with me and didn’t cat like I was some kind of burden. Before the day was over I had made up my mind. I really liked this guy.


**************************************************Nick******************************************************

These photos really made me laugh. We had some great times and after doing that promo shoot for a bunch of talent scouts over at Mercury records in North Carolina things started to happen. Even though it’s like 12 years or more it still feels like it happened yesterday…

***********************************************flashback*****************************************************

“Carter get your ass moving,” Alexander yelled as he was waiting for me to come out from the bathroom. I was in there doing my last check up over my hair since we were supposed to do our first promo shoot in front of an audience and to tell you that I wasn’t nervous would be lying.

I had brushed my teeth for what seemed like the umpteenth time that day. It’s a habit I do when I get nervous for something. That and licking my lips. Alex used to say that it’s gayish but I don’t care since that’s just me.

“Come on Nicky and stop jerking off,” he yelled as he banged on the door again.

Patience, patience. I was about to tell my friend off when I heard Brian’s voice on the other side of the door talking to Alex. “Gee leave him alone. He’ll come out when his done.”

“His been in there for like an hour.” AJ complained. “For what he’s probably doing he only need seconds. What the hell is the kid doing in there?” Another bang on the door.

This comment had me mad. I hadn’t been in there for that long, that I knew, and If my mouth hadn’t been so full with Crest I would have made a sneer remark back. Instead I had to spit.

AJ whined, “I gotta use the bathroom.” It sounded urgent.

“Use the trashcan then.”

I laughed. That was so Brian. Always coming up with fast remarks but most of all sticking with me. Backing me up. There was a miserable grunt and then I heard AJ and Brian leave the room. With a sigh I looked at myself in the mirror only to take notice of a few hairs that were sticking up on my head and was the reason why I had spent so much time in the bathroom. I needed to look perfect to this shoot and the more I put foam in it the greasier it became. What a mess!

Another knock. This time from Howie. “You ok in there Nick?”

What was this? Were they all coming to check up on me? How embarrassing. “Yeah.” I mumbled, spitting the tooth paste out of my mouth. “I’ll be out in a sec.”

“’k.

“You don’t have to wait.” I was still panicking over my appearance.

“No it’s Ok.” Howie waited patiently. He always did.

Once I had managed to get my hair to lay down I opened the door. “It’s all yours” I said with an inviting gesture.

“Nah that’s ok.” Howie smiled at me. “It’s you that we’re waiting for. You were taking so long that I was starting to wonder if you were all right.” He looked me over. “Nervous?” I shook my head. “No.” I’m such a bad liar.

He looked me over again and said with a gentle tone. “You know Nick it’s ok to be nervous.”

“But I’m not!

“Yeah right! You’re so nervous that you’re about to crap your pants” Alexander had come back.

I glared at him. “Didn’t you use that trashcan?”

“You’re a little prick..” Alex was about to lash out at me when Howie stopped him. “And you’re the one that should talk since you’ve been running to the bathroom all morning.

I laughed. Howie really knew what to say in the right time. A snort could be heard and then Alexander slammed the door shut. When he was out of view Howie came up to me again. “ Nick we’re all nervous. It’s ok to be nervous.”

I rolled my eyes. There it was again. That psychological talk. Still it felt kind of comforting and I found myself asking in a worried tone. “What if we mess up? Sing the wrong lyrics or something?” I was more nervous about this then I ever let on.

“We won’t!” Howie said reassuringly when I heard Alex yell from the other side, “No we won’t but you will Nicky!”

That comment made me feel even more insecure even though Howie said in a whispering tone, “Don’t mind him. He’s a bunch of nerves right now.”

I nodded but I still felt worried. “What if they don’t like us?”

“They will.” Howie smiled gently towards me. “It will go just fine you’ll see Nicky.”

“Yes but what if..” I knew that I can be such a worrier but I can’t help it. This was what I wanted and I wanted it so bad. All the doubts I had felt earlier when I didn’t want to go to rehearsal were gone. I think it was when Brian came into the band, a few months back, that it changed and now all I want to do is to perform with these guys. My friends.

Ever since Brian came into the picture we had rehearsed every day and we’ve only done a few gigs here and there. Mostly at sports events and at dinner parties. It was fun and even though it was often early mornings and late nights I didn’t mind. Luckily it had been during my summer vacation and it gave me more freedom. Now when it was nearing it’s end I knew that it would be a whole different story since I still had to continue with school. It would be hard work, still I didn’t care; I was living the time of my life with these guys.

The only downside was that I didn’t get to see Brent and those other guys when I was practicing so much and those days we had off I mostly spent sleeping since dancing and singing made me pretty tired.

Mom as well as my dad was there to encourage me and I think that mom mostly was very proud what her son had accomplished, especially after that contract that we got with Mercury records. It wasn’t a good deal, that I can say but it was something and people in the business were starting to get their eyes up for us.

Today however we were going to make a promo video for this big record company called JIVE that Mr Pearlman had told us about. It was very important that it would be great result since they would send the tape to New York and hopefully they would like what they saw and we would be able to sign a contract with them. Nerves were something that was haunting me all the time and that was what made me think that I would fail too.

“Don’t you worry Nicky.” Howie placed his arm around my shoulders. “We can’t do more than our best and if they don’t like us it’s their loss.” With that he added. “Come on let’s join Brian and Kevin.”

I still wasn’t satisfied with the answer and repeated nervously. “But what if…”

“There isn’t going to be an if.” AJ had come out of the bathroom and he was looking so much better. “Don’t worry Kaos.” ( That’s was my new nickname that the guys had given me since they thought that I was always so hyper and wherever I went there were chaos following me). “Let’s go kick some ass instead.”

Swallowing down my nerves as well as every last piece of doubt I had inside me I followed the guys and soon we were on the stage. To my relief all the tension, doubts and nervousness I’ve felt earlier was gone and I was enjoying my time up there. We did totally awesome on stage and the audience loved us. It was such a great feeling when Lou held his speech afterwards about how proud he was with us.

“That was one of the best performances I’ve ever seen you do,” he gushed. “You boys are going to sweep the whole world off their feet, just you wait and see.”

At that moment I felt so proud what I’ve accomplished and I would have loved mom to be there with me so I could share it with her. But thing’s were kind of rough in our household and mom had to work overtime and dad was on one of those truck jobs so therefore none of my parents could come with me.

“This pizza is on me!” Lou said as we were seated in the restaurant later on.

“Geee..great,” I blurted out since pizza was one of my favourite dishes and with that I ordered an extra large pepperoni pizza with lots of cheese and a large coke to go with that. Life was pretty good at that moment and we had a fun time talking about this and that. I was so full afterwards that all I wanted to do was to lie down and rest. Being on stage was taking a toll on my body and was in a way much more tiring then I had ever expected. When I was ten I used to dance all the time since I had so much energy and being thirteen I still do but I guess that the tension I felt had eased up and that was why I was feeling so tired.

“You sleepy Nick?” Brian asked when we were walking to the car after the dinner. We are going over to Lou’s house for an after party.

“A little,” I confessed as I hid a yawn behind the back of my hand. There were lots of late nights and even though I like being up I wouldn’t have anything against crawling up in a warm bed and sleep a few hours away.

“Me too.” Brian said and I tagged along with his steps. “You wanna go home?”

Yes. I wanted to say but instead I shook my head. “No, I’m fine.”

“You’re parents picking you up?”

I nodded. I had to wait until late hours before they had time to pick me up since mom was working evening and dad had a night shift.

A frown was etched on my friends face. “Isn’t that kind of late?”

I shrugged. What else could I do about it? Another yawn was on its way and this time I didn’t manage to hide it that successfully. Denise, Alexander’s mother noticed this too.

“I think someone is tired,” she said to Lou and it made me feel even more embarrassed. The grown up had a habit of talking about me like I was some kind of kid. Ok I was a kid but still…

“You know if you want I can call your parents and ask if you could stay the night over at my apartment?” Brian said before we entered the car.

I looked at my friend. Was he serious? When he made no move to show anything else I relaxed. Wow that would be so totally awesome. Brian, Kevin and Howie shared an apartment and I had stayed over their twice and it was my best experience ever. We snacked on pizza and popcorn, watched horror films and played video games. It sure rocked.

I was about to let out a scream of excitement when I stopped myself. Mom had told me that I had to come back home after the party since I was the one in charge to take care of the twins in the morning since my parents had to go to work early. Whining I had said that Bobbie Jean could do that just as well but then mom had responded that she couldn’t let an eleven year old take on that responsibility. But she could a thirteen year old! Realizing that there was no way she would let me stay over at Brian’s I let my head drop.

“I can’t.”

“You can’t?” Brian raised an eyebrow.

“No.” I shook my head, hoping that he would ask no further questions.

He did however. “Why not?”

“Mom told me that she would pick me up after the party was over”

“But that can be pretty late..” Brian objected and I could see the worry in his eyes.

“Well I’m not that tired.” I lied, knowing that I had to say something to get my friend off the topic. I really didn’t want the guys to know that the reason why I couldn’t sleep over was because I had to take care of the twins.

Brian laughed. “Sure you’re not. You can hardly keep your eyes open.”

Annoyed over that he was right I muttered, “I still can’t stay so just drop it. OK?” I was trying to act like I didn’t care but little did he know that I would have given about anything to stay at his place.

“If you don’t want to it’s ok.” Brian sighed as he opened the car door for me to get in. I felt like crying since it was like all the tension I had felt had made me feel like mush and the last thing I wanted to let the boys think was that I didn’t want to spend time with them. It was just that I had another life to live too; the one of being the oldest in the Carter household.

Once we were at Lou’s house I sat down on the sofa. The other guys were talking with the people that Lou had invited, me? I mostly sat there watching them. Gone was that kid that always had so much energy that he was compared to the Energizer Bunny and at that very moment all I wanted to do was to lay down for a few seconds of shut eye.

Suddenly I felt like there was not a chance that I could hold my eyes open and I rested my head against the speckled sofa. It felt so good to be in that environment since I could hear the sounds of the guys voices talking in the background and the warm feeling of having done a great performance was there too. In other words I contemplated if thing’s could get much better. Before long I felt my eyes get heavier and heavier and soon I was fast asleep.


*************************************************Nick*******************************************************

Man, these pictures were really bringing up memories and especially this photo of me and Brian lying on a sofa, sleeping. Little had I known that while I had fallen asleep Brian had sneaked up upon me and snuck up sleeping behind my back. The guys had even covered me up with a blanket and when I woke up hours later to the sound of my mom coming to get me all I felt was love and comfort. These guys were really my friends.

"The Big Apple"

Flasback

New York here we come!

I couldn’t believe it! I was going with the guys to the Big Apple and we were going to go to Jive’s headquarters and talk about an upcoming tour. It was almost like I was living a fantasy, a dream and I couldn’t grip that we were actually on our way. On our way to success.

After that success in Sea world we were really in the business and the past months been rather stressful since there have been rehearsals all the time. Since we can’t afford a studio we have practiced outside and I tell you its rather hard work to do so, especially in the blistering sun. All but Howie have become sun burned and Brian looked as red as a lobster at times. I’m back in school again and still driving back and forth between Ruskin and Orlando. I’m getting used to it though and I’ve also got to spend some time with the guys over at their apartment. On the weekdays I’m like any ordinary kid, that if you don’t count the rehearsals, but on weekends I’m Nick Carter, the fifth part of the Backstreet Boys and then I perform at all these kinds of small events. Beside that show in Sea World we mostly perform at sport events and at private dinner parties for people in the business. So far we haven’t made that many bucks since the people that we perform for don’t have to pay a cent.

All of our parents have been pretty upset about this but to me its ok: I’ve never been that big on money, maybe because I know that you can survive without it. After all we’ve never had that much to start with so I’m kind of used to not being able to afford the same things as my friends do. Lou also tells us that it’s good that we do it for free since all we need is to get a foot inside the music industry and then the road is open for us.

Since we’re going to New York on a Tuesday mom asked for permission to get out of school. She has also taken a vacation from her work to come with me to NY and my grandma has come to be with my siblings. Dad is still working at night driving that truck so I rarely see him anymore. That’s kind of sad since I miss being with him.

Besides the guys and mom and Lou, Denise is also tagging along as well as Kevin’s brother Tim. Oh and Paul, Lou’s creepy assistant. Him I don’t like at all. He has something sickly over him and I think he is nothing but a phoney. He keeps filming everything too and it’s kind of annoying.

“Nick calm down a little,” my mom laughs since I am jumping up and down in the car. So excited to finally be on the way. I’m so anxious that it feels like I will explode if we don’t get to the parking lot where I’m supposed to meet up with the rest of the guys. I’m off to one of my life adventures and my stomach does flip flops at the mere thought that tomorrow we will walk inside the doors of the Jive record company and also have dinner with our future manager Johnny and Donna Wright. All I know about them is that they have been the manager of that British group Take That and that they are pretty nice. But what excites me the most is that I’ll get to spend time with the guys and me d Brian are sharing room. He’s also promised me that we would play some wild TV games since the hotel that we will stay at “The hotel Plaza” have those for rent. Talk about great holiday.

That we’re having a hectic schedule and that there will be very little time to go shopping or something else won’t let me down. I don’t care since being with the guys makes me feel happy.

“Are we there yet?! It feels like I have ants in my pants. See there was a rhyme.

“Nick for the hundredth time I’ve told you that we will be there soon. Now try and relax baby, you’re so tense.” She pats me on my shoulder to help me calm down, but that doesn’t help since all my nerves are jittery because of this trip.

“There’s Alex!” I yell as we’re nearing the parking lot where we are supposed to meet. Waving with my arms frantically I manage to catch Alexander’s eye and he waves back. There is a big grin on his lips too. Wow this is going to be great. Mom barely stops the car before I am out of it and running towards my friends shouting, “Isn’t this great guys?”

Brian laughs at me but he too admits that it’s pretty cool. I think that we’re all a bit nervous too since there is so much at stake here and the fact that Kevin says that he doesn’t feel too good kind of dampens the mood a little.

There is a long wait before the car arrives that is going to take us to the airport. Even though it’s warm outside I still shiver and Kevin is the one taking notice of that. “You cold Nicky?” he asks.

I nod. It must be all of the excitement going on and the fact that we have to wait for the car doesn’t help me exactly ease up the tension I’m feeling.

“Is that all you got?” He points to my black leather jacket that isn’t exactly keeping the warmth.

“Yup.” I’ve never been that cold and here in Florida it’s mostly sunshine since it’s the Sunshine state and therefore I rarely need that much clothes. I like it best in a tee and shorts.

Kevin sighs as he takes off his coat. “Here borrow this for now.”

I stare at the item. “But aren’t you cold?”

“No, Not really.”

He shakes his head. “I hope you packed something warmer since it’s kind of cool in New York this time of year.”

Duh don’t I know? After all I’m the one that’s born in Jamestown New York buddy. “I’m sure mom packed a jacket or something,” I mumble as I try on Kevin’s jacket. Gosh it’s big. Alex laughs at me and so does Brian. I laugh too.

“You look like that dwarf in that Disney movie,” Alex comments. Turning to Howie he asks, “You remember that movie don’t you. It’s a classic.”

“Snow white you mean?” Howie responds with a smile and then they both decide that Alex is right. I look like that goofy dwarf.

“Where is the car?” Kevin murmurs for the umpteenth time when no black car, and no Lou, has shown up yet.

This has me a bit worried. “What if we miss the plane?”

Alexander is the first to take notice of how scared I am and he doesn’t miss a beat to tell that to me. “Nickolas don’t say that you’re scared of flying?” He gives me a mischievous smile.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I’ve never done that before.”

Alex almost swallows his gum. “What do you mean that you haven’t done it before? You never rode on an airplane?” He looks at me like I’m an alien or something.

I nod. That’s the truth.

“But weren’t you born in Jamestown?” Alex asks, eyeing me suspiciously.

“So?” What does that have to do with anything?

“I mean come on Nicky…you’re thirteen..”

“Soon fourteen,” I correct. Ok it’s still about three months away but that I won’t tell him.

“Whatever, but why haven’t you travelled by plane?”

“Because we went by car.” This is starting to get boring.

“Why? It takes so much longer than going by plane.” Alex is constantly at me and I’m biting my lip so I won’t snap.

“Because.” I really hope he is going to change subjects soon. To state my point I move away from him but he follows me, still curious.

“Why?”

This time I snap. “Because we’re a large family and mom and dad can’t afford it. That’s why!” I know that my tone is a bit heated and I can see Alex backing off. That was not something he expected for me to say.

“Oh.” He looks like he is regretting pushing me so hard. I rarely talk about my family. That’s just the way I am and it’s only Brian I think that knows that we don’t have that much money either.

Just at that moment the car arrives and Lou jumps out. “Are you guys ready?” he asks.

All I can say is that he arrived like three minutes too late. Then I wouldn’t have to bear Alex’s eyes in the back of my neck. It’s like he is feeling sorry for me and I don’t like that one bit. Just when we’re about to get into the car I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Nicky wait up.”

Turning around I’m met with Alexander’s brown eyes. They look sad. “I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”

Even though I felt like I’ve given away a part that I don’t want the guys to have access to yet I still nod back. “It’s cool.”

“Is it?” He doesn’t believe me.

“Yeah.” I let on a smile to show for him that I’m meaning business and with that we jump into the car. Even though we’re all going to the adventure it’s still pretty quiet in the car. Maybe we’re feeling that something big is going to happen and when we come back to Florida something might changed. I don’t know but the ride to the airport follows pretty much in silence.

When we arrive at the airport we’re back in the cheerful mood again and when we walk over to the check out desk Brian places his arm around my neck in a friendly gesture. “This is going to be great Nick. Imagine we’re going to the Big Apple to meet the bosses for a big record company.” He grins at me so his white teeth are showing.

I giggle from excitement but also from nervousness. This is one of my biggest happenings in my life and hopefully it’s just a glitch on what is supposed to come. We talk about this and that only to pass time and I show him a new game boy game that I would like to have in the airport shop. Brian tells me that he’s tried it out before and we talk about games. Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if Brian hadn’t come along. Probably been bored to death since the topics Howie and Kevin discuss aren’t that exciting.

“What you’re two standing here jabbing about?” Alexander asks as he comes up to see what we’re doing standing in the shop for so long.

“Nick showed me a new game.”

“Oh cool.” Alex pretends to be excited but I have my ideas why he’s come up to talk to us. Standing there looking at the magazines are two cute girls, about Alex’s age, and being the chick magnet as he is he walks up to them with a smile on his lips.

“Hi,” he says and when they respond with a hi too he starts chatting with them. Brian comes up and talks too while I’m just stand there blushing. Don’t get me wrong; I love girls but somehow girls don’t like me. At school they have often thought I was a nerd, at least until I started in the group. Nowadays girls actually come up and talk to me. I would be very flattered if it wasn’t for the fact that girls have always made me shy. They make my hands break out in a cold sweat and I feel myself constantly licking my lips. In other words they make me nervous.

“Where you’re headed?” One of the girls asks a good looking brunette.

“To New York.”

“Oh that’s awesome,” the other girl says. “Are you in a sports club or something?”

“No.” Alex shakes his head. “No we’re in this singing group and…”

“And we’re going to go to NY to cut a record deal,” I hear myself blurting out. Brian gives me this look and I feel stupid. Me and my big mouth.

If the girls were excited before it’s nothing compared to now. “Oh really. A record deal?” They keep talking with us and Alex is the one that’s leading the conversation. Brian is pretty used to being with girls too and he has a girlfriend Samantha who he dated for a couple of years. I’ve met her a few times and she’s really pretty but also very nice.

Me and the guys keep talking when a well known voice interrupts us. “Oh there you are Nicky,” my mom says as she walks up to me. I groan since I feel like a little kid having my mom tagging along with me. Both me and Alex have talked about how sucky it is to have your parents wherever you go but l guess it’s unavoidable.

Groaning I do my best to act like I don’t know the woman that is talking beside me but it proves to be kind of futile since she stretches out her hand to the girls and says, “Hello. I’m Jane. Nickolas’ mother.”

“Honey I brought you a sandwich from the cafeteria. You know how hungry you get if you don’t eat regularly.”

I feel my face blushing and as if thing’s are not bad enough the guys are chuckling too. She keeps pressing me on to come with her and I grit my teeth. “I don’t want anything.” Closing my eyes briefly I plead ‘Please mom get away from me’ but no one seems to be listening since she is still standing there when I open them again. As if thing’s are not bad enough she says, “Sweetie you know how cranky you get when you don’t eat.”

This last comment has the guys laughing and I can see that the girls are giggling too. Now I feel so embarrassed that death would come like a relief. She’s acting like I’m five! ‘God take me away from here or let me at least sink through the ground,’ I pray.

As if thing’s are not bad enough Alexander fills in, “Yeah Nicky go and get something to eat so you won’t be so cranky.” Wild laughter follows and I bail my fist in anger. Thank you friend for making me feel like a nerd.

Mom doesn’t get it that Alex is making fun of me and she smiles at them, “Thank you Alexander for agreeing with me.”

The look I’m giving my so called friend is the one of death but he doesn’t take notice. “No prob Mrs Carter,” he says with a large grin on his lips. Alex really knows how to get my mom as well as all parents to think that he is a real great well behaved guy and that makes me sick to my stomach. Ok I must confess that I think I can muster that skill too but not in the same way as Alex does.

Grabbing my moms arm I mumble, “Let’s get away from here then.”

“But honey you told me that you were not hungry.” She has obviously changed her mind since she has started to talk with Brian and Alexander and the girls and she’s talking big about how we are going to go to the Jive studio and all. You might think that it was her that was in the group.

“I’ve changed my mind.” I snarl before dragging her with me in her arm. As soon as we’re out of view from the rest of the guys I say accusingly, “Why did you have to say that to me?”

“What did I say honey?”

“That I get cranky when I don’t eat but it’s not true” I looked at her, “and even if it is mom I still don’t like it when you talk like that in front of strangers!”

“But Nicky I can’t lie. You do get cranky when you don’t eat. You want me to lie? Do you?” Her tone is annoyed and I wish I hadn’t brought it all up.

“No.” I know when a game is lost and I’m loosing this battle badly. When I have finished eating my chicken sandwich Howie shows up. “We’ve gotta get going. They are calling for boarding and we’ve got to get through the security.”

Suddenly my nerves get really jumpy and I’m not that hungry anymore. I’m about to fly in an airplane for the first time in my life. About to make history in the life of Nickolas Gene Carter.

The security check went ok if you don’t count that it kept beeping when me and Howie entered. Alex suggested that I should take off my shoes but it proved to be my belt. The way it was beeping and the panic I felt when I didn’t know what was making the noise makes me wonder how someone would have the nerve to smuggle anything.

“You ok?” Kevin asks as he is sitting in front of me in the plane.

I nod. “Yeah.” But that’s nothing but a lie. To tell you the truth my stomach is all queasy and I wish that I hadn’t eaten that chicken sandwich. I’m so nervous for the upcoming flight that it feels like the chicken is about to see daylight again.

“You sure Nicky ‘cause you look kind of green.” Alex adds as he is sitting across the aisle from me.

“Yes.” God can’t they get off my case for once. Mom is looking at me too. “Yes Nick Alexander is right. You do look a little pale. You sure that you feel all right honey?”

“I’m fine.” Please stop talking about it or I will get sick for real. I stare out of the window and concentrate on watching the service men loading the bags on the plane.

“You know if you feel barfy you can always use the brown paper bag in front of you,” Alexander grins and I can hear both Kevin and Howie chuckling. Thanks for that guys.

“I don’t need it.” I sneer back, but as the plane taxes down the runway I start to regret my decision. Ironically though it’s not me that needs the bag but Alex even though it was close at times. As soon as we hit ground at Newark airport in New York I’m ready to kiss the ground.

“I’ve gotta hit the bathroom.” Alex groans as we step off the plane. He is pretty pale and it looks like he caught the same bug as Kevin has. Howie is a bit peaked too and it’s only me and Brian that is pure health.

“Thank god we made it.” Brian bursts out as he gains up on me from behind. He is relieved to be in New York.

Even though I can see that Alex isn’t up to par to talking I can’t help to run up beside him and say, “Who was it to tell me to use the brown bag?” I can see Howie cocking his eye at me but I try to act like I don’t notice. “If I remember correctly, you said that I would be sick but I don’t recall being the one puking my guts up.” Pay back time Alexander James McLean!

“Oh Gross.” Brian scrunches up his nose.

“Shut up.” Alexander groans as he holds his stomach. “I feel sick.” With that he runs off to the restrooms and Howie comes up to me. “Was that necessary? It’s not often that he bashes me about something and I’m looking at him in surprise.

“He bugs me all the time so why can’t I bug him for once?” I know that I sound whiny but like my mom says I get cranky when I don’t eat. Or when I’m tired or bored. This time I was all three so you can guess what mood I was in.

“I know.” Howie sighs. “But Alex might have caught the flu bug that Kevin has.”

“Bah. He’s just nervous.”

“Yeah probably.” Howie smiles to me. “I think that we’re all nervous today.”

I shrug. “Maybe.” When Alexander comes back minutes later I regret my harsh words. He is looking really pale and sick. Densie walks immediately up to him and I can see her helping him to sit on a chair.

“You Ok?” I ask.

“Sure.” He doesn’t sound too convincing.

“You think you have what Kevin’s got?”

“ Maybe.” He suddenly looks at me with a grin. “Come here Nicky and I’ll give you a kiss.”

I shrug back. Now that is gross. “Ewww stay away from me.” I back like a hundred yards and Alexander laughs at me.

“Just kidding Nicky,” he says when he sees the fright in my eyes. “I wouldn’t want to kiss you if you were the last man the world. I’m not gay you know.”

“Good.” I still don’t dare to come close to him.

“But Nicky you know those girls at the airport. They said that you were cute.”

I blush. “They said that?” Wow I never thought that they would think that of me like that. Like a hunk.

“Yeah..” he looks at me with a smile in his eyes. “They thought you reminded them of their little brother.”

There went that dream. I give him an annoyed glare but he just laughs at me. “God Nicky you’re so gullible sometimes.”

“Well you can drop dead, “I sneer as I turn on my heels and walk over to Brian who has watched the chat between me and Alex from a distance.

“Is he bugging you?” he asks.

“Sort of.” I shrug, trying to act like I don’t care. But I do.

“Don’t mind him.” Brian places his hand on my shoulder. “Remember Kaos we’re in New York and we’re going to have fun.” He grins. “I hope you’re ready to set up a TV game since I really feel like playing a round when we come to the hotel.”

“You bet!” I look up at my friend. If I’m feeling down he is the one that can make me feel good again. All he needs to do is to treat me like a person and soon I’m in a much better mood. Brian is the only one that can do this to me and after all he was right. We were in the big Apple and were going to kick ass!

**************************************************Nick******************************************************

After looking at that last picture of me and the guys playing around I decide that it’s time to take a break. There have been so many memories coming over me that I’m starting to get a headache and I’m only in the first album of my Backstreet memories. Imagine how I will feel when I’m through looking in all these albums?

The Prankster

Nick

I’m back after a quick stop in the bathroom, a snack and a phone call to Aaron. He’s on tour right now and being the big brother that I am I just had to make sure that he’s doing all right. That is keeping himself out of trouble after all he is the one that’s following his brother’s footsteps, at least when it comes to women, Speaking about trouble the next picture that catches my mind is one of me and Kevin sitting on a sofa. We’re miles part from each other and maybe it’s symbolic since at times it felt like we weren’t living in the same century or even worse coming from different planets.

At that time I was the prankster, still am but not that often since as AJ put it “Nick’s gotten older.” But they still got to watch out for salt in their cereal. Or like my tattoo says “Old habits die hard”.

***************************************Flashback*********************************************************

“Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccccccckkkkk”

Kevin is yelling so loud that I’m sure that my eardrums will rupture. Brian, who is playing a TV game with me called “Kid Nicky” gives me a look like “What did you do this time?”

As always I act innocent. “Me? I haven’t done anything.” OK that isn’t the entire truth since I just happened to change the salt and sugar and now Kevin was eating salty cereal with milk. Yuck I knew that the dude should learn that sugar isn’t healthy for you.

“Yes you. “ Brian sighs. “Did you put toothpaste in his hair or mustard in his shoes?” I have this thing for playing with food I know but that’s only because there are so many things you can do with an edible item then just eat it. And the best part of all it causes a reaction.

“I did nothing. Why do you always accuse me of everything?” Throw in a little guilt there and the acting is super. In any case Brian can never figure out what I did this time. Or then maybe he can.

“Did you put salt in the sugar tray?” He asks suddenly and I about drop my jaw. “How did you know that?” I think out loud.

“Nick..I can read you like a book besides I’m the one that taught you that prank. “

Oh yeah that’s right. Brian is my master and even though we have known each other less than a year we still talk the same language. The language of pranks.

He looks at me again. “You need to find some new stuff since the thing’s you do to us are starting to get old.” Since he is very engrossed in the game he explains no further.

“Like what?”

He has no chance to answer since Kevin comes bursting into the room. “Nick you little shit I’m going to get you for this,” he yells loudly and I take notice that he is very angry. For a second I realise that he’s serious and I re-think my options. Should I be the one that defends me or should I be the one that starts the fight? Or maybe I should back off or even better take cover behind Brian so the fist goes on my best friend instead of me. Hrm..Those options are all pretty good and depending on what I choose it has different outcomes.

“I didn’t do anything.” Once again I act innocent even though the situation is kind of funny and I’m having a hard time hiding the giggle that’s about to erupt.

“Yes you did!” Kevin yells as he bails his fist at me. “This stuff is starting to get really old and I’m sick and tired of you always acting like a kid.”

“That’s because he is a kid,” Brian mutters from where he is sitting on the floor. I glare at my friend. Thanks a lot for that one. I’m not a kid. I’m fourteen! Un tipping Howie is the one that comes into the room, saving my butt since Bri is too busy winning the game.

“Are you two fighting again?” Howie sighs.

“I’m not the one that’s fighting,” Kevin says in an attempt to cool down his temper.

“Yes you are.” I defend myself. “Howie he just came in bursting and yelling at me that he is going to kick my ass.”

“Is that so?” Howie looks tired, so much more tired than his twenty years. Turning to Kevin he asks, “What happened?” It’s clear that he is doing his best to get a grip on the situation.

“That little prick,” he points at me, “put salt in my cereal.” When I see that he’s so angry that his nostrils are flaring up I realise that maybe this time I’ve overdone it which is weird since I’ve done much worse stuff in the past.

Being the obnoxious little shit that I’m accused of I reply in a calm, but annoying tone, “Kevin didn’t your mom tell you that it’s rude pointing at people?”

At that moment he glares back at me and I have to bite my lip from not sticking out my tongue at him. God can’t the guy lighten up for once?

Howie must have sensed how irritated Kevin was and he puts a hand on his arm. “Calm down buddy. Nicky’s just a kid and he didn’t mean anything bad with what he did.”

“Maybe not but that little shit needs to learn when something is enough.”

‘Now he’s sounding like my mother too,’ I think. Ok that if you leave out the “little shit” part. With satisfaction I take notice that Howie is sticking up for me like a Good ol’ chap. Kevin however isn’t that impressed.

“God Nick if you could only be serious for once,” Kevin nags and at that moment I don’t know what’s crossing my mind since I do it. The inevitable; I stick my tongue out at him. Obviously the target becomes really offended since he spits out to each and every one that wants to listen. “That’s it! I’m sick and tired of his jokes and pranks and when I signed up for this group it sure as hell wasn’t to be his babysitter! ” With that he storms out of the room.

Those words made me feel cross and hurt. The good mood I was in before is gone and in my mind I keep wondering why he would blurt out about that babysitting thing. Am I really such a pain in the ass?

Brian just looks up. “Smart move Kaos.” It’s said in a sarcastic way and I feel even more hurt that he doesn’t take my side. After all it was nothing but an innocent prank that happened at the wrong time. He turns back to the game since he is winning with horse lengths. Howie isn’t too impressed by my acting either.

“Was that really necessary Nicky?” I swear that if I could count all the times he told me those words and got a buck for each time I would be a rich boy by now.

Even though I knew I had stepped over the limit I acted out my own moody and stubborn self. “I didn’t do anything,” I started as I told him how unfair I thought that this accusation was. After all I was only doing my best to lighten up an otherwise so boring situation.

Howie listened. He always listened and then he said, “Well I think you should at least tell Kev that you’re sorry.”

“What?” I look at him like he’s coming from another planet or has grown a second head. “I’m doing no such thing. I’m not the one that started.” Ok technically I was but I was not the one that would get furious for such a small thing. Kevin was clearly overreacting. “And I’m not sorry either.”

“But Nicky it won’t be any better if you don’t talk things over.” Always being the reasonable one.

I’m preparing myself for another battle. Getting really tired of these when Brian mumbles, “D. Leave him alone. His just hitting puberty and you know how the hormones can flare up.”

I glare at Brian. I love him but sometimes he can say so many stupid things. Does he think I have PMS or something? I hope I didn’t say that out loud. Opps I apparently did since both Brian and Howie are laughing at me.

“Pms? Kaos, you can be such a blast sometimes!” Brian laughs as he ruffles my head with his hand. Irritated that he’s messing up my hairstyle I shield away.

“Don’t.”

But B keeps on ruffling my hair with one hand while he works on the controller with the next. It’s like the fall out I had with Kevin is suddenly forgotten and Howie has left the room again. Probably getting something to eat since it’s starting to get close to dinner time. “See I’m kicking your butt.” Brian suddenly yells out of the blue. His dude is winning over mine.

“Oh No you’re not.” I grab the controller and am ready to win over my friend. However Brian beats me to it and I can only watch how I get my ass kicked and soon he is doing the victory sign.

“Feels great to be the winner.” He teases me, a smile toying in the corner of his lips.

Today is really not my day even if we have the day off today and I’m getting to spend it with the guys since mom and dad are out of the city. The gig that we were supposed to be working it has been cancelled due to poor ticket sales and that leaves me with free time; that’s rare these days. You see ever since we went to New York thing’s have been pretty hectic. We’ve got ourselves new managers. They are called Johnny and Donna Wright and we’re about to start a small tour in the middle of next week. The audience is going to be high and middle school kids. And we will be travelling all over the states. I’m so excited since we’ll be going by bus and I get to be with my friends again. This time 24/7.

Lou has also talked about recording a song with us but so far it’s just plans and still the sight of money remains invisible.

We’re still rehearsing on a daily basis and it’s kind of hard since I have to muster both being a performer and a school boy. My grades have dropped a bit since I need time off all the time. Not that it matters that much to me since school has never been that high on my list and I know that if I want to succeed there are sacrifices that need to be done. And my grades are one of those.

“Hey dude are you spacing out again?” Brian waves with his hand across my face and I jerk.

“Uhu..sorry.” It was like the thought that what would happen next in my life always crossed my mind and even though Lou and also the Wrights kept saying that we were really on our way it didn’t feel like that at all. There was so much hard work with trying to keep up with my normal life, like school and such, and also be a performer.

“Something on your mind?” My friend asked when I made no move of listening to what he was saying. He looked concerned.

“Um… not really…I was just thinking.”

“About what?” He’s never the one to let a subject drop even if Kevin is worse. Here you can tell that they are cousins.

“About all this.” I reached out with my hand in a move like I was including the whole world in my thoughts. “You think that this dream will ever end and we will wake up and find out that it’s a nightmare?”

Brian looked at me strangely. “You’re pretty weird at times. Do you know that Kaos?”

If I know? Tell me about it. I know that I can be pretty deep even if people mostly think that I’m just a shallow cute kid that was acting like a whimsy blonde. “Yeah but do you think that will ever happen?”

“That we’re living a dream or a nightmare?”

“Yes.” I know that I can change moods and thoughts very fast and this always confused my friends. Actually all but Alexander had a hard time following me.

“No idea.” He shook his head. “You shouldn’t worry so much Nick. If thing’s are supposed to happen they will happen regardless what you think or do.” Sometimes I wish I had Brian’s faith in things. His belief in God had strengthened him a great deal and he often talks about how he thanks God for giving him the opportunity to perform and to touch other people’s hearts. That I admire him for.

I was silent for a while. Just watching the commercials on TV and even though I knew I could be a pain in the ass I still felt a hint of remorse over the way I had acted with Kevin. Maybe it was time for an apology since Kev wasn’t as bad as I often painted him out to be.

“Where are you going?” Brian asked when I stood up.

“I just gotta do something, I’ll be right back.” There was no way I was going to say what my real mission was even though I think that my friend would have felt proud of me.

“Ok, don’t be too long since Alex asked me if we should rent a movie.” He paused. “And I said yes.”

Swell. I glared at him. Here I was going to sleep over the night and they had already planned to watch a movie without asking me. Such nice pals I had.

“Nicky we’re not forgetting about you,” Brian reassured me with a smile. “I was about to ask if you wanted to come with us to the video store and then we’re getting food over at Mickey D’s.”

What a relief. I was still in their plans. For a moment there I thought they had forgotten about me staying over night. Doing my best to hide my enthusiasm, even though it was hard since renting a movie always gets me excited, I said casually. “What are you planning to watch?”

“No idea.” Brian shrugged but I could see that he watched me from the corner of his eye. He had that same look like when he was up to something. Either good or bad. “Alex talked about Alien 2 or something. Does that sound good enough to you?” He waited for my reaction.

Alien 2! He’s got to be kidding me. I’ve always wanted to watch that movie but my mom hasn’t let me since she thinks I’m too young and on top of it I get nightmares too. I felt my face break out in a large grin. “Really? That’s so awesome!” Now I found myself talking fast about how great that movie was supposed to be and how Brent had seen it and nearly puked from all the grossness that happened in there. To say that I was being back to my happy self would be an understatement.

Brian laughed. “Yeah it’s supposed to be good and Alex told me that you’ve always wanted to watch that movie so we thought we would rent it tonight.” He looked curiously at me, “That’s if you can cope with it...”

If I can cope with it? He must be kidding. But then maybe not since those nightmares can be really disturbing at times and I’m also scared of the dark. I know I’m a real baby but I can’t help it. There are grown ups that are scared of darkness too. “Yes!”

“Great.” Brian grins again. “I knew you would like it.”

“Mmm..But first I gotta do something.” I moved towards the door.

“So you said.” Brian grinned before waving me off. “Don’t take too long in the bathroom.”

“I’m not going to the ba…” I started when I stopped. It would be a great cover up for what I was supposed to do. That way he wouldn’t have to know that I had went over to talk to Kevin like it was a bad thing to do, which it was not, but still..Ok it’s kind of complicated to explain so I refrain from doing that. “’k be right back.”

“’k”

I ran off to have my conversation with Kev. He was in his room and the music from Marvin Gaye could be heard so at least I knew that he was in. Hopefully he wouldn’t be too upset with me either. I felt on the handle. Locked. I knocked on the door. Silence. Knocked again and this time a grunt could be heard, “Who is it?” By the tone of his voice he wasn’t up to par to seeing anyone and me the least.

I debated whether or not I should say my name but then I remembered that he would know who it was anyway when I opened the door. Another blonde moment in my life.

“It’s Nick.” My voice was soft, regretful.

“Go away I don’t want to talk to you.” Hostile tone.

“Please let me in.” I pleaded.

“I said go away. I want to be alone.” His voice sounded broken and I felt even guiltier then before. Wow not in my wildest fantasy I could imagine that the little prank I did would affect him so much.

I knocked again. This time harder.

”What word didn’t you hear?” Kevin growled back at me and I was feeling more and more confused over the situation. What was the matter with my friend? Did I hurt him so much or was it something else that was bothering him?

“Please...Please Kevin let me in.” I was starting to feel panic and was close to my tears too.

”Get the hell out of here or I will call your mom to pick you up!” Those words really hurt and I sank down on the floor. So this was how bad he thought of me? That he just wanted me out of his face. I felt so miserable that the tears started to fall and I have no idea how long I sat there when the door opened and Kevin stuck out his head. “Nick?” He sounded like his old self again... “I thought you had left.”

I looked up with a tear stained face. “What?”

“You’ve been crying?” He hunched down beside me. This time worry was written all over his forehead.

“No.” I shielded away from him so he wouldn’t see the tears pricking in my eyes.

“Yes you have.” His tone was soft. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.” Ok we were back to play cat and mouse again.

“It’s never anything when you cry Nicky.” He looked down at me and for once I thought I spotted something that could resemble caring in his eyes. Kevin always acted like the tough cookie and from the day that we met each other we’ve been at each other’s throats.

“I’m just tired.” I wiped my face with the back of my hand.

“Ok.” He didn’t press on; instead he reached out his hand to help me to stand. I took it and stood on swaying legs. “You're going to be all right?”

It was so weird. Here I was the one that had acted badly at Kevin and here he was the one that was taking care of me. Talk about reversed roles.

“Mmm.” I nodded.

“Good.” A brief smile. “You hungry?”

“No.” I shook my head.

“Ok.” Silence again and this time I felt like it was my turn to take up the talking. “I’m sorry,” I said with the most pitiful tone I could muster. Expecting him to lash out at me again I was surprised when no such thing happened. Instead he let out a sigh.

“It’s ok.”

I looked up. “It is?”

“Yes and I’m sorry for calling you those names too. I didn’t mean it they just slipped.”

“’k.”

“And Nick I’m not mad at you.”

I nodded, still not believing him, yet I didn’t care either about correcting him. For now Kevin wasn’t pissed at me and that was all that mattered.

*****************************************Nick********************************************************

Strangely I remember that episode in detail. Maybe it was the fact that it was the first time me and Kevin became closer to each other. I don’t know but anyway, our friendship changed. We both thought about not annoying each other all the time, even though it was hard since we were so different in personality. I was the energised one and Kevin the serious one. I was the one that didn’t care so much and looked pretty light at things while Kevin wanted perfection and that everything should be done by the book. I was the one where my mouth slipped and Kevin was the one that always thought it over what he was going to say, choosing the words carefully. But one thing we have in common and that is the emotions. We’re both rather emotional and can be very sensitive at times. In some ways I think you can say that we’re more alike then we are different…

Oh and for the record; I didn’t get to watch Alien 2 on video that time. Kevin thought it would be too scary for me and I would get a nightmare so instead we ended up watching a funny movie which was just as good since thing’s had been rather emotional before and we needed a good laugh. Without me being the prankster.

It's all about the image

Nick

Mom saved just about everything from the early days. She has pictures of me and the guys and all of these old articles from magazines when we were just the new “Harmony group” that was playing in high schools and at dinner parties. That was what my life was all about in the beginning, singing on the drop of a dime and performing at all sorts of occasions. There was lots of hard work but also loads of fun. Being in the music business for so long I’ve discovered that there are often two kinds of situations; either thing’s are moving really slow and all you do is wait and wait. The people that know me know my personality knows that I have always had a hard time dealing with that kind of stuff. The other situation that’s been eating’ me is when thing’s are going too fast. So fast that you have a hard time gripping the situation. There are times when you can compare it to going on a very fast roller coaster ride where you wanna step down since the high speed is making you both dizzy and nauseous. You think that you’re going to die, at the same as there is that high feeling in your body that you don’t want to be without. The whole industry is very contradicting and it’s no wonder that you can get a little crazy living in it for too long.

Sometimes I wonder what the worst is; Doing nothing or doing everything?

Looking at the pictures of me and the guys goofing around a thought crosses my mind. I have no idea how I would have coped being in this business if it wasn’t for my friends helping me along. The guys were always by my side, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, almost like an old married couple. Or even better a family. They were the ones that helped me get through the situations when I was either so bored or hyper that all the energy I had left inside me just wanted to pop out, not caring about the consequences. And then they were also the ones that stuck by me when I was so tired that I had trouble holding my eyes open and there were so many thing’s that I had to do that confusion and stress became like a trademark for me.

Without them I seriously wonder if I would had survived.

What has really stressed me out at times is living the life when everything can be surreal yet so normal at other occasions. It’s hard to explain but sometimes it feels like I’ve been living in between two worlds and it has not always been easy to do so. Another thing that had me on the verge of loosing it many times was the squeaky clean image that our management wanted us to present. I was no poster boy and having to lie to my fans is not something I’ve liked, even though I’m far from the bad boy image that the gossip magazines wants to present about me. Mainly I’m just an ordinary guy with a different kind of work that likes to hang out with others but also needs some time to myself, time to be alone.

When I look up the word image I found that it means; a visual representation (of an object or scene or person or abstraction) produced on a surface. And that is what it was…an image on the surface, sometimes very far away from reality except for in the beginning when everything was real… maybe too real.

*****************************************Flashback**********************************************************

Another fully booked weekend. Another formal dinner party where we were the main attraction. This Friday evening we were performing at some award show for people that were into science and they were holding such long speeches that it felt like an eternity.

Miserable I tugged at my tie, feeling like it would strangle me if I didn’t get some relief soon. The fact that we were all dressed up in suits, looking like a bunch of old folk's didn’t help the situation either. On top of everything the day had been packed already and we’d preformed at two high schools and also done rehearsal outside in the sweltering heat.

To kill some time the rest of the guys were playing cards, Poker, while me and AJ was talking about school and other thing that was on our mind. My grades were dropping fast and one of my teachers had called home to discuss about my school situation. Both mom and dad got a bit mad when they found out that I hadn’t been doing my homework like I was supposed to do. But then what do they expect out of me? I’m only fourteen and performing every week Thursday to Sunday and then having school Monday to Wednesday and rehearsal every day. It’s no wonder that these things have a tendency to take the edge out of you. It’s bound to happen that something’s has to be a leg behind and in my case its school.

Tonight thing’s were moving too slow for my liking and it didn’t help that it was so hot in the room that it felt like it was several hundred degrees inside. My suit itched as did the white shirt and all of us were tired and to say that we weren’t miserable would be an understatement.

“What’s taking them so long” I glanced down the hallway at the big formal dinner banquet. “Can’t they call us up so we can do our show and then we can all go home?” I knew I sounded whiny but would you blame me since we’ve been waiting close to two hours to do our act so we could go home for that day. Or in my case wait for mom or dad to pick me up and drive the long way back to Ruskin. With my luck it would be nearly dawn before I could hit my head on my pillow.

Alex looked at me, shaking his head. “No Kaos you know that we can’t do that. This is something Lou has booked us up for. I know it sucks but let’s at least be happy that this time we’re actually getting paid.”

That last comment perked me up a bit. We were getting paid? This time we didn’t have to perform for free? That was an improvement. Lou and Johnny had told us that we had to take every gig that we could get, whether we were getting paid or not. This was the way to get into the business and we needed that ride. I also knew that I should be grateful that someone actually wanted to come and listen to us, even if we got more and more known for being a harmony group. The outlook of actually earning some money this time, I was broke as always, improved my mood a little. Maybe now I got the chance to buy the latest version of Mario since I was starting to get sick and tired of always having to play that game “Kid Nicky”.

Suddenly I felt a tap on my head.

Looking up I found Alex waving his hand in front of my eyes, trying to get my attention. “Hello Kaos? You’re listening?”

“Huh?” I hate it when he does like that. Acts like I’m some kind of moron..

“You haven’t heard a word that I said, have you?” He acts annoyed.

“Yes I have.” I defended myself.

“Yeah sure.” He shook his head like he didn’t believe me. “Dude you were spacing out so bad. That I saw that with my own eyes.”

“I was not.” If there are one thing I hate it’s when people tell me that I’m spacing out. And even if I was, I don’t think it’s my fault that I have a short attention span. Blame it on my mom instead, since she was the one give birth to me or even better blame it on the guys that keeps bringing up so boring subjects that I’m not interested in at all.

“Yes you do. You always do that.” I open my mouth to object when he cut me short. “Ok if what you say is the truth then what do you think of my idea?” He was trying me out. Testing me.

Busted! “Huh?”

“See I knew that you weren’t listening.” His tone held a hint of victory.

I felt annoyed. There wasn’t any need for another Kevin in this group but hopefully Alex’s irritation was because of the heat and the waiting which was starting to affect us all. “So I wasn’t listening. Big deal.” I snorted. “I have other things on my mind you know.”

Alex grinned like that cat Garfield. “I knew you would fess up. You were not listening. You always space out dude and I knew it!”

Ok rub it in will ya’! My friend, all of the guys, have made a sport out of teasing me and sometimes I wonder who is the oldest. Them or me?

“What idea?” I was doing my best to act like I didn’t care yet I was curious what was on his mind. I also hoped that he wasn’t becoming irritated with me since I didn’t like it when people were hostile. It made me feel insecure.

“I asked what you thought about my new artist name.” His brown peered down on me, testing me.

“Artist name?” I looked at him strangely. Why would anybody wanna change their name? Ok if it was something old and ugly I would understand, but to me Alexander was perfectly fine.”

“Yeah you know Kaos. An artist name, to change your image and stuff.”

“Image?” I knew I was being blonde but remember it was hot in the room, I was tired and having this kind of conversation bored me out.

“God Nick are you stupid or what?” He snarled at me. “Yes image. You know to be someone else.”

“Why do you wanna be someone else?” All this talk was confusing me. “You don’t like it who you are?”

“Yes!” Alex shook his head in disgust. “I was just thinking that wouldn’t it be cool if we changed our names?”

“To what? James?” That was Alexander’s middle name and this whole conversation surprised me. Especially that he was discussing something like this with me. The kid who he often said was too dumb to understand anything.

“No dumbass.” Now he was getting irritated for real. “Not James. I thought about changing it to AJ!”

“AJ?” I did my best to see if he was pulling my leg but when I saw he was serious I couldn’t help to start giggling.” That sure sounds stupid.”

“It’s not stupid.” He glared at me. “Artists do that all the time. To get better image. It’s short for both Alexander and James and I like it.” He said the words out loud. “Ajee…. AJ McLean, yeah that sounds cool.”

I stared at him. “Yeah but they are big artists. We’re just a harmony group.” “Besides what’s wrong with the name you got? What’s wrong with Alex? I think AJ sounds stupid” I giggled, unsure how he would react.

“You’re the one that’s stupid.” I could tell he was hurt. “It’s lame and I don’t care what you think dipshit, besides I’m keeping it and both Johnny and the rest of the guys think it’s cool. Besides I think that the girls will go for it.” He looked at me like I was something the cat had dragged in and then left the table muttering, “Dumbass.”

Me, I shook my head, still not understanding why someone would want to change their own image. I mean you are who you are and that is the end to it. I’m Nick and I’m proud of it.

********************************Nick************************************************************************

I just had to laugh at that memory. It was both funny but also a bit sad since that was the first step for Alexander to turn into AJ. The hard cooked street smart person that always had a remark on his tongue. The one that the girls would do anything to get hooked up with. I like AJ but I like Alexander even better, which very few of us know. But maybe that is how it is. The image you see while the real person hides in the back?

Ok that was deep. Deep even for me.

I move on in my scrap book, so many memories popping up in my head and little did I know that this was only the beginning of my journey to success and hard work.

**********************Flashback****************************************************************************

It was in the middle of July. It was hot and I was freezing.

The reason for my discomfort this time was called Strep throat. I’ve been told that it’s a singer’s infection and you can get it when you haven’t taken care of your health and been stressed out like I’ve been for these past months. The schedule had been hectic and even if it was summer vacation I still kept working my butt off. Today I was at home, in bed, watching TV and trying to eat the chicken soup that mom had brought for me. It didn’t do much since it left me with a nauseous feeling in my stomach. In other words I was miserable.

We were supposed to record our first commercial. It was for Bealls, a clothing company here in Florida and afterwards there were going to be a video shoot. Unfortunately I was too sick to do anything but just lie around and sleep. Mom had called Johnny yesterday to tell him that I had to back out of it and he had been good about it. After all I was running a temp of 102, could barely speak and had a hard time swallowing anything, including liquid, so I guess that they didn’t want me on the set anyways since I could infect the rest of the guys. Howie had been sick the previous weeks so he was probably the one that infected me with this. Deep inside my fevered mind I planned a revenge for when I had the strength to kick his butt. But that was another story.

The whole day had been nothing but a blur and my head felt so mushy and I couldn’t even think a thought straight. When Aaron had come into the room intended to be company for me I had kicked him out. Not a great thing to do since it was his room too but the headache I experienced made my head feel like it would explode from any kind of noise.

I have no idea how long I slept but I most have dosed off when a loud and shrill signal cut through my head. Groaning I grabbed for my pillow and putting it over my head I hoped to block out the noise. As in fog I heard mom talking to someone downstairs and her voice was firm and hard.

“No I can’t allow that. He is sick and in no shape to do such thing!”

In my fevered mind I wondered who she was talking to. Her tone was so determined that it had to be someone important. From the distance I could hear her tell the person on the other line that I had a high fever and that it would hurt my throat if I was to record any song. That last sentence had me open my eyes.

Record a song? It had to be the guys that were calling or the management. I got the answer to my questions when mom’s next word was; “No Johnny! He is too ill. He can barely speak and I don’t like the way his temperature keeps getting higher. “She was silent for a while, “I know that it’s important but I can’t do that. He is my baby.”

Those last words had me smiling. Mom and dad always stuck up for me when there were something important and I could always trust their judgement. The more my mom talked to more curious I got what the conversation was all about. With that on my mind, my dizzy mind, I sat up in bed only to regret it seconds later. The whole world started spinning and I felt like I was riding one giant roller coaster ride that wouldn’t stop.

“Crap!” I closed my eyes. I had never liked roller coasters and the way my world was turning upside down made me feel nauseous. After waiting a few seconds I opened my eyes again only to notice that I wasn’t quite as dizzy and with that I slowly walked downstairs, barefoot, clad in only my boxers and a white t-shirt. Mom was standing in the hallway talking in the phone and as I made my steps on shaky legs she spotted me and waved me instantly to go back upstairs again. I pretended to not notice and instead planted my butt on the staircase, intended to listen to her conversation.

With a sigh she turned back to whoever she was talking too and this time she was soon involved in another heated argument. “NO! I can’t do that. This time you have to manage without him. He's too sick and it would only make him feel even worse.” Mom looked ready to throw the phone down Johnny’s ear and I have rarely seen her that upset from a simple phone call, at least not when it was something concerning me and my well being.

There was a brief pause when she mouthed for me to go to bed, but being the stubborn person that I am I simply refused. I had to know where this conversation would go and what Johnny and Lou would do when she would refuses sending me down the studio. I was so grateful for her backing up me since I felt way too sick to do any singing, much less dancing.

Someone else came on the other line and whoever it was made her change her tone a little then she asked the person to wait a moment and holding her hand on the mic she said sternly to me, “Nick go back to bed.”

I shook my head, only to regret it seconds later when the dizziness hit me again. Closing my eyes I tried to find my bearings and when I was feeling a bit better I looked up again, only to notice that mom was talking on the phone again, paying no attention to me or my health. Shivering I felt my temperature rising and at that moment I decided that maybe bed wasn’t such a bad idea after all. I was about to go back upstairs when Bobbie Jean, my sister, strutted down the stairs.

“Nick what you’re doing up? I thought you were sick.” BJ eyed me. “You look like crap.”

“Thanks sis. Thanks for the compliment. You look like hell too.” I was being sarcastic.

Mom shot me an eye since I was talking bad language. She never liked it when I swore and there were situations when she had blamed the guys, my friends, for me using bad language. In her eyes especially AJ was a bad cookie. Taking no notice for mom’s sharp eye I told BJ, who was actually showing some real concern for me, “I’ll go to bed as soon as mom stops talking with Johnny.”

“What do they want? Don’t they know that you’re out sick today?”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “But they want me to go down there today.”

“They do? To the studio?” She looked at me in surprise.

“Mmmm.” I nodded. “But mom is taking care of it so I don’t have to.” Catching my sister’s frown I added quickly, “I’ll be all right.”

“You sure?”

“Mmm.” I hushed her down; whispering that I wanted her to be quiet so I could listen to what mom had to say. To my relief she didn’t object and instead left me to go and grab something to eat.

Suddenly I took notice that the firm and hard tone my mom had earlier on was replaced with a softer more forgiving one and whoever she was talking to made her act both small and strange. The change was weird and even if the fever was probably doing a number on my brain I still had to know what that person has said to make my mom change her act so drastically. It was almost as if she was getting her arm twisted. And it scared me.

She was laughing loudly and when I heard say Louie, I felt my heart freeze up. She was talking to Mr Pearlman, my boss and this time she didn’t act like she was sticking up for me anymore. Even before she hung up her phone I knew what the verdict would be. I had been into similar situations before and they had always ended up the same way; with me having to do what I was told to do.

Mom kept talking and talking and I was getting more tired than I thought was possible. I leaned my aching head against the wall and desperately wished that I this was over and I could get a few hours rest. She was now talking in a hushed voice and even if I was sitting close I had a hard time hearing what she said. She was whispering and that I’ve learned in the past was never a good thing. It meant that she didn’t want me to hear what she said and the way she acted made me think that she was a bit ashamed over the news she was going to tell me.

“Yes Lou I will tell him that…And yes I'll make sure that he will be on time. You said 2 pm this afternoon?”

I frowned. Now I was getting more and more worried and hoped, no prayed, that she didn’t mean what she said; that I would be in the studio by 2 pm this afternoon. In that moment I really hoped that she was lying to Mr Pearlman up in his face since the way I felt right now it was not an option for me to record any song, much less do a video shoot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the one that normally hides from work, but today I was feeling so lousy and my throat was croaking so bad that I didn’t think that any sound would come out of it at all.

Finally she hung up.

“Nicky,” she said, her tone gentle in that way it always is when she wants me to do something she know that I will refuse to do. “Nick that was Mr Pearlman and he really would like you to go down the studio this afternoon. They don’t want to leave you out of the commercial.”

My eyes shot open. “But I’m sick.”

“I know honey.” She sat down beside me. “I know that your throat is hurting and that you’re not feeling very well today but they say they need your beautiful voice and..”

This time I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. “Mom! I sound like a crow. I can’t sing.” To state my point I coughed so hard that I thought my eyeballs would fall out of my skull. “I don’t feel good at all.” My voice was really hoarse.

“Baby,” she ruffled my hair in that way that she always do when she’s trying to judge if I’m running a temperature or if I’m lying. A look of sympathy flashed through her eyes, but I could also spot the determination she had to change my mind. If someone had the willpower to move a mountain it was my mom.

I did my best to object but the more I talked the worse I felt and soon the energy was running out of me like an old used rag. She told me to listen to what she had to say and in a fevered haze I listened to her telling me about the conversation with Lou. They wanted me to go down the studio to Longwood and she had promised Lou that I would come. She went on telling me that if I refused I let the boys down and that could get nasty consequences for us as a group and that we had to take all offers that we could get. I also had obligations to attend to even if she and they knew I was not feeling well.

Sighing I couldn’t do any thing more than agree. Mom was right. Lou was right. I was in a group where you stick up for each other even when it felt that you had to sacrifice things. In my case it was my health. I just wished that she would see how bad I was feeling today. How much my head hurt and how sore my throat felt. How much I needed her comfort. Needed to curl up in bed like any other teen and sleep the day away.

Less than one hour later, I was dozing in our car on my way to the studio to record a song and to do the video shoot.

**************************************Nick******************************************************************

The flash back I got when I looked at that picture of me and the guys doing that commercial sent goose bumps on my arms. Even if I knew I must have felt bad it was nothing compare to the betrayal I felt towards my mother. She had left me out in the cold in a time when I had needed her most. When I had felt vulnerable and sick and when she was the one that should have been there sticking up for me. Being a mom.

Authors note: I’m sorry for the grammar mistakes but I’m not English and I did the self editing..So if anyone wants jump in a help me with the editing I would be so happy for it. Also thanks to Mare for sticking with it for so long. You rock girl! Thank you Bea for being there for me…you are the best !!! And as always Jenna you are my support in life and in this fanfiction world. Also please review what you think of the story and dont forget to check out the photos on my homepage! swenglish.

Brian Thomas Littrell and me

*******************************Flashback************************************

“Hurry up and get your asses into the van,” Lou yelled at us as he held the car door up for us. “We’re already late as it is.”

Quickly we did our best to stuff ourselves into the small van and then took place on the cramped seats. We were late. Very late. The reason why we were in such hurry was because we were on our way to perform at the Predators Football game here in Tampa. Normally it wouldn’t have caused any problems since it’s almost where I live but last night we had to go on a quick trip down to Georgia and meet a possible promoter that Lou knew. We also had to perform at this dinner party so they could see what great artists we were.

If thing’s were not bad enough as it was this game was going to be nationally televised which meant that everybody in the states could watch us sing. To say that our nerves weren’t on the edge would be an understatement. Since we were so late due to certain circumstances which there were no need to talk about further, Lou and Johnny had made sure that we could go to Tampa on Lou’s friends private jet since it would be bad publicity if we missed out off something as big as this and Lou had invested lots of money in us already. At first I had refused to go. It was only my third time of flying and I really didn’t like the way I felt being up in the air. The loss of control scared me and it also gave me a queasy stomach. Brian, who didn’t like flying either, comforted me and told me that everything would be just fine. I knew he was just as scared as I was but there were not much I could do about things and this left me going up on that bird. Luckily nothing bad happened and there were no incidents.

“Ladies quit talking and stop dragging them feet along.” Lou barked as he told us in an annoyed tone to hurry up or we would loose this gig.

“Like you’re the one to talk.” I heard AJ mutter in the back of the van. Tuning to Howie he went on. “If he hadn’t been so damned drunk yesterday he wouldn’t have such a bad hangover and then they wouldn’t have slept in.” I could see Howie nodding but there were no vocal response. “Then we wouldn’t be in this mess either.” AJ was irritated.

The words he said was true. The reason for the delay this time wasn’t us. Last night had been wet from what I heard Kevin tell us since he and the other fellows except me and Alex had went to the party. I and Alex had a curfew and we also had to stay with Denise, AJ’s mom on this trip. Not that I have anything against Denise, she can be kind of cool, but I would have preferred if it was my mom or even better Brian that got to stay with me. I didn’t need a babysitter. Anyway we ended up watching some old movie until it was time to go to bed. Not that I didn’t mind that much, I was dead tired after the hectic schedule we were up to.

Lou set his pig like eyes into AJ. “Alexander I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut and to mind your own business.” When he got no immediate response he told all of us. “Instead I suggest that you,” He pointed at us, “that all of you concentrate on the task you have ahead of you and do a good job. There will be many people watching.” He paused. “All of America will be watching.”

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. If what Lou said would be right it meant that millions of people would soon hear us singing and that sent my nerves into a tailspin: The other guys didn’t seem as work up as I was and I could hear AJ snicker in the back. “He can’t face it that I’m telling the truth. It’s not our fault that he and Johnny were so plastered and now he is blaming us for his mistakes.” Howie said something back but I didn’t listen since my mind was occupied with thoughts of the upcoming performance besides my parents had taught me that if I was to survive in this kind of business I couldn’t get too involved into everything. Especially not thing’s that could hurt me in the long run and that I had to learn how to become “blind” at times or everything could eat my alive.

I had no idea what they meant by that but maybe they meant that there could be thing’s that were not so pretty, anyways I didn’t speculate further unto that.

I had bunched down next to my best buddy and closing my eyes I did my best to get a few minutes of nap as we drove away from the small airfield. The driver, another friend of Lou’s was driving in high speed and I heard how Kevin and Johnny was discussing that they were waiting for us at the sports arena and if we didn’t pick up the speed we would loose this gig. With that the driver set his foot in gear and I we drove out on the intersection.

“You ok?” Brian asked when I hadn’t said anything for a while. “The flight didn’t get to you, did it?” His tone was soft as he was sensing that I was more tired than I let on.

I shook my head. “Nah I’m fine.”

“Ok I was just checking.” Brian smiled at me. “You were a bit quiet and that is not like you to be like that.”

I shrugged.

“You nervous?”

“A little,” I confessed and then blushed a little since I felt stupid feeling like that even if it’s not every day you perform live in front of an audience of millions of people.

“I am too.” Brian laughed. “Man I can’t believe that this thing is actually going to be broadcasted. I sure hope that I won’t mess up.” I could see his throat work as he swallowed hard, probably down the lump that was forming in the back of his throat too, from nervousness.

“I hope so too.”

“Hope what?” Brian frowned at me.

“That I won’t mess up. “ I had told all my friends to watch and somehow the outcome of messing up the lyrics or even worse forgetting the words wasn’t all that tempting.

“You won’t. Don’t worry.” Brian smiled at me again then patted my knee. “So Kaos how are things then?”

“Huh?” I didn’t follow what he meant.

“You know at home. With Aaron and your sisters?” Brian was making small talk to get my mind onto something else.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged my shoulders. “When I left home yesterday they were still asleep so I’ll guess that they are all right.”

His diversion to get my mind into something else failed. I was still way too nervous and uptight for the upcoming performance.

”How’s school then?” Brian was determined to win. Failure was never in his book.

“School?” I raised an eyebrow. “Rok, its vacation if you've forgot.” Even though I couldn’t help it I was wondering where he was going to take this. “I haven’t been in school since the beginning of June!”

“I know.” Brian was calm as always. “I was only wondering what you felt about going back to school.” He smiled at me. “You told me that you had to go back next week.”

“Oh.” He always found what to say. Fact was that just thinking about school sent my stomach into a queasy state, mainly because I was having a hard time as it was keeping my grades up and even though I worked my butt off the grades had dropped dangerously last semester. Last night however I overheard something that sent my mind into spin and maybe it was part of why I was being so quiet today. Denise and Donna, Johnny’s wife, talked about AJ’s school situation and I heard them mention the possibilities of hiring a tutor for us. Us were me, Alex and Brian since he hadn’t finished all of his senior year yet and had some thing’s to do.

At first it didn’t sound too bad and I hoped that mom and dad wouldn’t object to this even if I knew that they mainly wanted me to attend regularly school so I wouldn’t miss out off anything. But with the upcoming school tour where Lou wanted us to travel all over the country and perform in front of middle and high schools it would be difficult to stay put in Tampa.

“Something on your mind?” Brian held a worried glance in his eyes.

“No not really.” I didn’t know if it was a proper thing to say what I had heard, at least not when one of the adults could listen.

“Is it about school? Your grades?” If this group doesn’t work out then he could take a job as a mind reader. “You're having trouble?”

“I don’t know-. Sort off.” In a whispering tone I decided to tell him about the conversation I heard yesterday and when I was done talking I asked, “What do you think? Think we should get a tutor?”

Brian acted surprised and confused. “You certain you heard the right thing?” He sounded full of doubts.

“Yes!” I didn’t like it when people questioned me. “Yes they were talking about this tutor.” At once I felt worried. “What if it’s some old bitch that’s going to decide everything?”

“Nick, that was a nice thing to say!” Brian scolded me, but he smiled afterwards. “I don’t think you would have to worry about that and even if we get a tutor I’m sure that it would be a nice one.”

“Bah!” I snorted. “With my luck it would be some old hag that would love making my life miserable. “ I put my head in my hands mumbling, “Even worse than Kevin.”

Brian grinned. “That bad huh.” He patted me on my knee. “Well all we can do is wait and see and hopefully it will be some good-looking blonde with..With.”

“Big tits!” I heard AJ say in the back. So he had listened to this conversation. I felt myself blush. Not from the breast comment mind you, no because he had heard how nervous I was and now he would make fun of it.

A loud laughter could be heard from my friend. “Yeah hopefully she’ll have those.”

“What if it’s a guy then?” I asked feeling miserable.

“Yuck!” Brian said with a giggle. “Let’s hope there won’t be any big tits if that is the case.”

“Yeah like a sumo.” AJ filled in and then showed with his arms how a sumo wrestler looked like. We started to talk about how disgusted that would be and I laughed at them as they were doing their best to make me laugh at them. These guys were the best and when we drove up to the sports arena I noticed that all of the nervousness I had felt for this upcoming performance was like gone with the wind and now I was looking forward to sing our national anthem in front of such a big crowed of people. It felt nothing but an honour.

******************************Nick*****************************************

That was the first time we preformed in front of a large audience but it wouldn’t be the last. I smiled at the memory that it brought on. For the record everybody cheered us on and we were doing such a success. But there were a downside to it as it often is and that is that for some reason the filming of the event blacked out and we didn’t end up on TV after all. I remember that I was very disappointed but as it turned out in my life it wouldn’t be my last opportunity to sing to the American people.

Another thing that has me smiling is the way Brian worked to help me get a grip on things. He always tried to make me look at things from a different light, perspective and he was the master in diverting me in to talking about other topics as well as helping me calm down when my nerves were all jittery from nervousness.

If someone would have asked me when I was fourteen if I believed in soul mates I would have answered yes! Today, more than 10 years later I’m not so sure that I would say that but at that time I had a special one. His name was Brian Thomas Littrell and where he would go I would follow. Kevin even said in an interview that if Brian jumped off a cliff that I would follow. I rejected it but at the same time I knew that Kevin was right. That was how much Brian meant to me. He is still my big brother, the one I care about the most in the group even if I love all of the guys. It’s like we have a special bound to each other and he is the one that I have turned to in all kinds of situation. We have goofed a lot but also spent hours of talking about serious things like life and girls.

Brian was also the person that helped me copes with the life of being a pop star and I do think that if I hadn’t had him by my side I would have been more lost than I already am. In a strange way he is the one that helped me keep my bearings together and he is the one that made it bearable the days when all we did was work and rehearse.

*******************************Flashback************************************

“Briaaaaannnnnn….Stooooppppp iiiitttttttt” I yelled between my giggling fits where we rolled on the floor. My best buddy tickled me so bad that I was starting to loose my breath from laughing so hard.

“Nooooo waaaayyyyyy !” Brian laughed back as he continued with his endless torture, tickling me so bad that I was starting to fear that I would wet my pants if he didn’t stop. He held me in a tight grip, his legs holding me around my waits and arms so I couldn’t move while his hands swiftly tickled me. “You give up yet?”

I shook my head, being the stubborn character I was. “I’m not giving up.” I giggled nervously.

“Too bad.” There was a brief pause when he stopped and I was accessing if there would be another attack. Brian grinned widely at me and before I knew what hit me he held my head in an arm lock while he used his other hand to torture me. I did my best to break free but it was all in vain since he had strength even if he was a skinny guy.

. “Noooooo.” Another attack was over me and now he was holding my head in an arm lock too while he used his other hand to torture me. I did my best to break free but it was in vain since Brian had strength even if he was a skinny guy. Tears were rolling down my face from laughter and even if I was starting to feel panic setting in I was laughing like a maniac, having a fun time of my life.

¨ We had been goofing along all day, teasing each other and pretend boxing. Maybe the reason for us acting like this, so silly was because we were tired but everything we said or did sent us into a laughing fit and we giggled so much that the other guys were starting to annoyed. Yet we didn’t care. Kevin as well as Howie had felled more than one comment about how childish we acted and that he couldn’t believe that Brian was just as stupid as I was. Not a compliment I might add but my friend’s only response was to act even goofier, much to his cousins disgust. Neither of us let Kevin’s usual bad mood turn us down and we continued with our play fights as well as goofing on much to the other guys dismay.

Howie and AJ who loved to dance were engrossed in learning the new dance steps to our show and even though I knew that I had to pay attention too I couldn’t do it. I kept tripping and falling and this caused me and Brian to laugh even more and it was the reason while we were now rolling on the floor in the dance studio.

“You give up?” Brian asked with a large grin on his face when I was practically squirming under him.

“Noooo.” I laughed, my voice weak from the weight he had on me and I lay still since any move made him tickle me again. I was starting to get tired from the fits but that was not something I would let on since it would only mean that Brian had won and that I refused to let happen.

“Then you know that only means one thing, don’t you Nicky?” Brian said holding his hands in position.

I squealed from underneath him. “Noooo, don’t do that.”

“Can’t you two be serious for once?” Kevin said with a loud sigh from his seat. “We’re trying to do some work here but all you do is goof around, act like a couple of kids.”

Ignoring his rude comments Brian grinned at me. “Since you have no intention off stopping, do you know what that means?” He moved his hands in a threatening way.

I screamed from fear and panic. If I knew what that meant? Heck I was the one that was laughing so hard that I was nearly peeing my pants wasn’t I?

“That means that I have to..I have to tickle you to death.” He went on with another attack this time sending me into a scream forced by delight but also from fear. Fear of actually wetting myself.

“Stooopppp it..Stooop itt.” I yelled once more. “ I peeeeeeeee myyyyy paaaaantttssssss.” This time it was for real.

“For crying out loud.” Kevin barked with disgust. “Don’t have him pee his pants like some kind of toddler.” He did his best to separate us. AJ on the other hand had stopped making his dance moves and turned to us with a big smile on his face.

“No Kev let Brian continue..Then maybe Nick realise that he isn’t wet behind his ears yet. That he still needs diapers.”

I don’t know if it was that comment or the fact that Kevin and now Howie was pulling at our arms that had Brian stop with torturing me because that was what he did. I tried to jump on him again, having too much fun to stop, but he shrugged me off.

“No Kaos. Kev's right. We need to do some work now.” He sat up on the floor too and as I did I realised that the part of me peeing my pants wasn’t that far from the truth which had me jumping on my feet and then running as fast as I could towards the restrooms and luckily I made it in time.

Coming back from the bathroom, feeling much better and still with a happy smile on my face, ready to tackle Brian again, I noticed that my buddy had gone all serious again. This was probably Kevin’s doing since he had more than likely had a serious talk with him while I was having a date with the porcelain throne. He had no doubt talked to him about that we had work to do and a deadline to finish because of this upcoming tour.

Noticing this I moved over to take my position. The playing and goofing was probably over for today but what comforted me was that I knew that with Brian in the group there were never that far away from laughter or being silly with each other. Strangely this notion had me work ten times better than I did before and for once I didn't mess up at all.



Authors noteAlso I want to appologize for the bad grammar but as I said before I am doing the self editing LOL..with the help of a grammar program. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to know how to do off and of. Hope it's ok and that you still like the story. Oh and check out the pic on my page...its a cute Frick and Frack moment LOl, swenglish.

A Cold and chilled November night on the bus.

I think that I most have done hundreds, maybe even thousands of interviews through out the years and one of the questions we’ve been asked if there are any song that we regret singing. To that I can only say YES! The songs we sang in the beginning kind of stunk and they are so stupid that all they do these days is making me laugh. Howie would sing “Let me be your little lover boy” and then twitch his eye like he had something in it when it was in reality suppose to be sexy. We would also shake our asses and thinking about it we most have looked like a bunch of stupid fucks.

But even though we sounded and looked like crap there is still one thing that have etched through my mind and that is that we had some fun times. I loved travelling with the guys in this small bus that we had that didn’t have a proper bathroom or any bunks to sleep in. The result was that I had to learn how to sit up and sleep and it was no wonder that our legs and back was stiff when we woke up the next morning.

The high school tour back in the fall of 1994 lasted for several months and we travelled all over the continent. Mom and sometimes dad travelled with me for most of the parts, at least in the beginning, as did my tutor Gabri..shit I forgot her name…anyway since my pears couldn’t be with me all the time they left Donna and Johnny and Lou, of course, in charge for me but in reality that meant that the guys took over the parenting responsibility and if it wasn’t for them there is no telling what would have happened.

Entertaining almost every day, always twice but sometimes three times a day, was fun but held also lots of hard work. Since we never got to sleep in a hotel but had to stay all the time in the bus I was always restless, full of energy that needed to be worked out. I remember giving everything I had on that high school tour and it was no wonder that in between the performing I was tired as a washrag, even though it was nothing compared to what I would go through later on.

***************************************Flashback****************************

It was night and we were on the bus. Staring outside into the darkness I watched as several small villages went by us. Some of the houses were lit up and they looked so cosy that for a moment I thought of asking our driver to stop the bus and let me off. Anything would be better than being stuck here freezing my butt off. The reason for my discomfort was because of Lou; the cheap bastard as Kevin expressed it, had turned down the heat system a knot in an attempt to save money which resulted in all of us freezing from the cold. I don’t think it would have bothered me so much if it wasn’t for the fact that we were in the Midwest, in Nebraska in the middle of November and everyone that has been here knows what I’m talking about. The weather changes all the time, one minute it’s hot and sunny only to be cold and snowy the next. Ok maybe not so fast but you get my point. Today however it was both cold and snowy which is pretty bad for me being the Florida boy that I am.

The bus was quiet and all but I and Kevin were fast asleep. Even the adults, Donna, Johnny, Lou and AJ’s mom Denise were fast asleep. Brian, who was sitting on the opposite side of me was snoring loudly and it was a wonder that he hadn’t woke anyone up with the noise he was making. Usually it’s Howie that’s snoring but this afternoon Brian had complained over a stuffed nose, a headache and by the look of it he was running a fever too. Both AJ and Howie was a bit run down and D was so hoarse that he couldn’t sing which was pretty bad since he is the one that holds most of our leads.

Mom had been with me on the road until this morning when she had to go back to Florida to take care of my siblings. Dad had gotten a trucker job and for the first time ever since I started this group I was all alone on the road. It felt strange and now I was feeling homesick. . Luckily for me we were heading back home within a week and even if we had been touring on and off, not all the time for these past three months I still longed until I would be able to sleep in a real bed. I missed all my friends in Ruskin too and as soon as I got back again we would hang out together. But for now I had some more shows to do.

Shifting in my seat I decided that these bus seats were really uncomfortable and I was trying to find the best position to sleep in. For once I could actually thank my lucky star that I was the shortest kid in my class and I didn’t take up that much space either. Things like that actually helped while sleeping on the bus. The guys at my school thought that I was a nerd and I had to withstand words like; “Shorty! Did you cut your legs?” and “If you don’t make it in that stupid group of yours you can always make it in the film industry…as a midget!” I did my best not to let it bother me but deep inside it hurt and I rather not think about it.

Just when I finally found an acceptable position on the seat I moved and my blanket dropped to the floor. I groaned from discomfort. “Darn” Bending down, upset to have lost my spot I was just about to pick up the blanket when a voice said to me, “Here you go Kaos.” Before I could react the blanket was placed in my lap. “You dropped this.”

Looking back I was met with Kevin’s green eyes staring at me.

“Oh gee thanks.” Once accepting the “gift” I wrapped myself in like a cocoon in it and then leaned casually against the window. It sure was draft in the bus.

Kevin made no move to get back to his seat and he asked me. “You’re that cold?” A frown was etched on his forehead.

“Sort of.” Another chill ran down my back and I mumbled, “God it’s freezing in here.”

I bent down upset over having to loose my comfortable spot. Just when I was about to reach for the blanket a voice told me, “Here you go Kaos.” A hand picked up the blanket and I looked up into Kevin’s green eyes. “I thought you would need this.”

“Oh ok.” Accepting the gift I wrapped myself up in the navy-blue wood blanket like a cocoon.

He gave me a strange look. “Ok I have to agree with you that this bus isn’t the warmest around here but to say that it’s freezing and being wrapped in, in that isn’t a bit too much. Don’t you think?” He pointed at my blanket.

“Uh huh.” I felt annoyed over him questioning something as simple as this. “That’s your opinion then,” I snarled. “No matter what you think it’s still cold in here and I feel like I’m stuck somewhere up in the Artic pole.”

It was either the comment or the fact that I was blowing on my hands to get me some warmth that made him ask with a worried expression on his face, “You’re not coming down with that virus that the rest of the guys seems to suffer from are you?” Swiftly he moved his hand to feel my forehead when I shrugged away.

“No.” I shook my head. “No I’m fine.” When he looked like he didn’t believe me I added with a smile, “Quit worrying so much Kevin. Everything is just peachy.”

A sigh could be heard. “If you say so.”

Hoping that he had dropped the subject I opened my mouth to ask what he was doing up this time at night when Kevin said with a tone that reminded me of my own dad. “You know Nick it wouldn’t be good for you if you caught that cold too since the last thing we need right now is another one loosing his voice.” He was referring to Howie and his croaking sound. “We’ve got another show to do tomorrow.”

Like I didn’t know that already.

“I know Kev but you don’t have to worry. I’m fine besides the reason for these chills isn’t me catching some dam..” Kevin gave me his eye and I corrected my language. “I mean a bug. It’s because I was out too long in the cold making snowman with Brian and those girls that I met today.”

“Girls?” Kevin’s voice raised an octave. “What girls? You mean the one at the show? And what snowman?” The look he gave me told me that he was either trying to decide if I was lying and really ran a temperature or if I was just being plain stupid. My bet is on the second option.

I felt that an explanation would come great at hand.

“After the show today me and Brian went outside to get some air, you know how stuffy it can be inside those locker rooms.” We had been performing at a high school gym. “And also Bri thought that if he got some fresh air his sinuses would clear up.” Kevin glared at me but I did my best to ignore him. “Then we met these two really cute girls and they started to talk to us and they wanted us to go for a walk down to the mall and we did since Brian thought it would be good to by something for his sinus and then..” Kevin interrupted me.

“Breathe Nick. Breathe.”

He thought I was talking way too fast which I was by the way but I always do this when I’m either stressed or nervous or excited over something. Today it was the first two feelings that I felt. After breathing in a couple of deep breathes I went on with my story.

“We walked by this park when we saw a bunch of kids that were making snowmen and it looked so much fun and first we started to throw snowballs at each other and then we decided to make a snowman. A backstreet one.” I giggled but shut up instantly when I saw the disapproving look Kevin gave me.

“So that was where you guys were. I thought Johnny told you to go and load the equipment into the bus.”

I blushed. “He did but then we met these girls and..”

“So you said,” Kevin cut me short. “No wonder that Brian’s cold have gotten so much worse this afternoon.” Looking at me he went on, “Nick please tell me that you didn’t go outside without your coats. Please tell me that not even you are that stupid.”

I felt hurt by those words. Shifting nervously in my seat I stuttered, “Eh..Uh..I don’t know what you’re talking about.” What was I going to say since that was exactly what had happened.

“You did, didn’t you?” A deep sigh could be heard as Kevin was taking in the truth. He sure sighs often, I wonder why? “Don’t you think that was a stupid thing to do?” He didn’t sound upset more tired as he spat out the words.

“Ehh..Yeah.” Kevin was right. That was not one of my smartest moves, that I had to agree too but I felt that it wasn’t entirely my fault so I said, “If this bus hadn’t been so cold I would have warmed down pretty fast but now when Lou have turned down the heat to save money all I can do is freeze my butt off.” Hopefully that speech would help Kevin to understand my situation and it would bring me sympathy.

But then do pigs fly? Does Nick Carter ever get sympathy? No didn’t think it either and that was exactly how Kevin’s sympathy for me worked.

“Nick don’t think that I feel sorry for you! You brought this on you all by yourself. If you hadn’t been so stupid to go outside in just a sweater when it was cold you wouldn’t have to feel as miserable as you do right now.”

“I’m not miserable.” I don’t like it when Kevin tries to act like he knows how I feel.

“Whatever.” Another sigh. This guys should be in a sighing contest and I bet he would win. “In anyway Kaos if you want you can borrow my jacket. It’s warm and you would feel nice and comfy in no time not to mention less chilled.”

I was so tempted to say yes and take the offer but that would mean giving in and that is not something I do too often. At least not for something simple as this. “Thanks but I’m just fine as it is.”

“You sure?” Kevin looked doubtfully at me.

“Yes!” Pulling a white lie I added, “I’m not that cold anymore and I think I’m only a little tired now.” Praying that my body wouldn’t let me down and I would be wracked with another shiver I mumbled. “I think I’ll try to get some sleep now. It’s late.”

“Ok that sounds like a plan. Sleep would do you good.” He stood up from the hunched down position he’d been in and before leaving he said, “You know if you feel cold again and change your mind you can always borrow my jacket. It’s fine by me.”

“’k.” I turned my face towards the window so that he would know that I wasn’t up to talking any longer. Kevin took the hint and it didn’t take long before he said, “Good night then.”

“Goodnight.” When he’d left I quickly wrapped myself up in that blanket and hoped for sleep to overcome me. But my attempts were futile and after shifting for what seemed like forever I decided that maybe that offer Kevin gave me about borrowing his jacket, since his was much warmer than mine but more important bigger, wasn’t that bad.

After debating mentally if I should or shouldn’t get up and walk over to Kevin who I saw was still reading in his book I decided that I had nothing to loose and on stiff legs, wrapped up in that blanket, I made my way over to his seat. He was so engrossed in reading that at first he didn’t notice me and I coughed lightly to get his attention. “Eh..Uh Kev?” I was talking softly, afraid that I wouldn’t get him in a pissed mood or wake anyone in the bus up.

“Mmmm.” He wasn’t listening. That one was for sure.

I decided to give it another try. “Uh Kevin?” This time he looked up, in surprise.

“Nick?” His voice was hoarse from exhaustion. “I thought you were asleep?”

“No I couldn’t do that.” I shifted nervously and then when he looked at me expecting me to say something more I mumbled, “Do you think it’s too late for me to take up that offer you gave me?”

“The offer?” He gave me a confused look.

Groaning inwardly, since I despise having to ask others for help I mumbled, “Yes to borrow that jacket of yours, you know.” At that moment another shiver ran through my body and I could feel my teeth start to chatter. I stuck my hands under my blanket. “It’s like an ice cube in here.”

That last comment sent Kevin into a blast of action. Quickly he stood up and then pulled down his jacket from the overhead compartment. “Here,” he said handing me the clothing. “Take this on and maybe you will feel a bit warmer.” He sat down on his seat again.

“Thanks.” I put the big jacket on me and at once felt like a small Kevin. Grateful that he had given me this to wear I mumbled, “Thanks I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. Just don’t drool on it.” It was meant as a joke but I knew that there was some seriousness involved too. Kevin disliked it very much when others were dirtying his clothes. “ Nick why don’t you come and sit here. It’s very late and you most are totally exhausted. If you want you can sleep here beside me. That would warm you up even more,” he suggested.

I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” Kevin frowned at my unexpected answer.

I blushed, feeling a bit stupid over the reason I had for not sitting down. “I can’t sleep if it isn’t by the window.”

“Oh,” he looked at me and then stood up. “Then take my seat.”

My eyes widened. “No I can’t do that.” There were limits to what a guy could do besides I had my own place just a few rows down and that would be just fine for me.

“Nonsense.” He more or less pushed me down. “Here Nick make yourself comfortable.” A gentle smile was on his lips and even if I didn’t want to admit it I felt both safe and warm with him. I curled up into a small ball; my head leaning against the cold window and the blanket as well as the jacket was wrapped around me. Tight. Strangely I felt a bit weird and even if I was very tired I couldn’t relax.

Kevin sat down beside me and picked up his book. “I think I’m going to read for a little while. Hope you don’t mind.”

I shrugged my shoulders and then sighed heavily like all of the worlds troubles laid on my back. It felt so strange being left alone in the bus even if I wasn’t all alone since I had the guys with me.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I was lying but didn’t feel like I wanted to give away any further explanation.

“It’s never nothing with you Kaos,” Kevin said shaking his head. “Now tell me what’s on your mind.” When I didn’t answer he asked, “Is it something I said?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Something one of the guys said?”

“No.”

“Then what is it?” Kevin thought for a moment before asking, “You sure that you feel all right?”

“Yes!” I really wasn’t very talkative. Maybe it was the fact that I was starting to feel tired that made me act like this. Silent.

“Ok.” He sat down beside me while I stared out into the darkness. When I had been silent much too long he asked, “Is it your mother then? That she left you today?” I shivered violently at the words which left him continue with his questioning, “Do you feel homesick? You miss her that bad?”

With those words he really touched a sore spot inside of me.

It was like Kevin had twisted a knife to my heart and I felt my tears dwell up in my eyes. Swallowing hard I did my best not to start crying. At that moment I realised that he was right and this was the reason why I was feeling so testy and probably cold too. I was so homesick that my heart ached.

“A little.” I piped up while I was doing my best to hold back my tears. Before long I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“That’s Ok Nick,” Kevin said softly. “It’s ok to feel sad and homesick.” When I didn’t answer since the tears had started to roll down my cheeks now he whispered so that no one else would hear, “You know I feel that too sometimes.”

“Feel what?” I mumbled as I did my best to wipe away the tears.

“Feel homesick and sad and lonely. Just like you do right now.”

Those words startled me. Did Kevin feel like that too? Turning around I noticed that he was dead serious and that he had a worried expression in his face. “You do?”

“Yes.” He nodded and then lightly squeezed my shoulder. “Is this the first time that you’re alone without any of your parents? I mean for touring?”

“Mmm.” I was doing my best to make my voice seem strong but it cracked badly. Then before I knew it I had spilled how lonely and lost I felt and that I missed being at home and that everything was so new for me. I turned myself inside and out for Kevin like old wool sock that needed to get the dirt of me.

Kevin listened patiently and when I was done, sobbing quietly as a result of everything I told him and all the feelings I had stirred up he said, “Maybe you should try and relax buddy. I’m sure that you’re tired and that you need some sleep.” He stroke my back in those calming moves that mom always did when I was upset over something. “Calm down and maybe you won’t feel so cold anymore too.”

For once I did as Kevin suggested and closed my eyes and strangely I noticed almost instantly that I was feeling much better and that the cold that had my bones in a tight grip was starting to go away. Instead a warm comforting feeling was replaced inside of me and I drifted off in to a blessed sleep.

Also please forgive me for my sucky grammar and go check on my page to see the picture of this chapter :)

http://www.angelfire.com/band2/backstreetfics/trip7.html

Yawning, I stretched my arms. Sitting still too long had never been my cup of tea unless it came to sleeping. Then I could sit or lay in that position for hours. However that is not something I think that the guys would agree upon or as Brian puts it “Nick act like an electric mixer when you’re sleeping.” The reason for that comment is that according to them I’m not even still when I’m asleep and this always result that my blanket or sheets are curled up as a little ball in the end of my bedside after a good nights sleep. After a bad night it looks like my room have been hit with an earthquake!

Anyways sleep has always been a rare phenomenon in my life and I have learned to take care of all the opportunities I can get. Which in reality means that I don’t care what hour it is or if it’s a holiday or not. When my body says sleep it really means it and it takes a lot to get me going again. This was a habit I picked up in the early days.

*******************************Flashback************************************

“Niiiiccckkkkkkk!!!! Wakkeeeee upppppp.” Those were the words that my little brother yelled when he came running into my ( our) room, jumping on MY bed, shaking MY body. “Nick.. Come on. It’s Christmas.”

Aaron was so excited and I was so tired. “Go away I mumbled, my face buried deep in my pillow.” I could care less that it was Christmas or any other holiday for that matter. I was so tired that all I wanted to do was sleep. It had been late yesterday since we had to perform at Lou’s private Christmas party and before I got a chance to jump to bed it was nearly dawn. So now when my little brother decided to come crashing in just a few hours later I was far from the happy self.

We had been working hard these past weeks, performing at all these places for free since Lou and Johnny said it was a must if we wanted to be famous. We were also in rehearsal for another high school tour and were working hard on the dance routine. Lou had talked about hiring a dance instructor but for now we had to do with Johnny’s own daughter Marissa leading the dance. She is pretty nice and I think that AJ is interested in her since she is all he talked about. Pretty boring actually to listen to but that’s another issue.

“Niiiiccck you got to get up. Mom told me to wake you.” I could hear the excitement had tone down a notch and if I wasn’t so dead tired I would have jumped out off bed too but today I felt as slow as a turtle.

“No I’m tired, let me sleep.” I pulled my pillow closer to my head to state my point, hoping that Aaron would get the message and leave me alone. But apparently he didn’t as he stared to pull my arm.

“Pleaaasseee Nick.”

“NO! Stop whining. ” I know I was being rude but my body felt like lead. Plus I’m not a very nice morning person.

“But you promised that you would play with me today.” There were a waver in his voice as he let out how disappointed he felt with me. If I hadn’t been so tired I would actually have paid my little brother some attention but the way I was feeling right now was pure exhaustion even though Johnny had told us that this was nothing compared to what we would feel like when we made it out in the big world. That comment gave me a second thought if I really wanted to be famous. Sleep felt much too important for me.

“You promised..pleaaaseeeee.” Now the little pain was whining too and I grumbled with disgust. After biting back the nasty words that would have been easy to slip out a brilliant thought suddenly struck me.

“Aaar ( that was my nick name on Aaron) Let me sleep a few more hours and then I will play with you.” I tried to sound kind despite the evil thoughts that appeared in my head and if that little bugger bought this would buy me an extra five minutes.

My desperate pleads proved to be futile.

“NO. You promised that we would open the presents together.” The whining tone was so bad that it pierced through my skull like a razor blade. If it hadn’t been for the accusing words he felled I would have kicked his head in but instead I opened one eye.

“But I’m tired!” This time it was my turn to whine. Six years old sure could be a pain in the ass. If my annoying little brother had any compassion he would have left me alone but instead a smug grin crept up on his small face.

“Nick If you don’t come up and play with me I tell mom about those magazines that I saw stashed in the closet.” He pointed with his finger towards the linen closet.

My eyes shot open. Those were that kind of magazines that I didn’t want mom to find out about if you get my point. We had found them in Brent’s big brother room had stolen them and now they were our secret. I tell you that even AJ would have blushed looking at them, at least if he knew that I had them in my custody. “What do you know about those?” Jumping out of bed I swiftly caught him by the collar, “Tell me what to do you know?” The threat in my voice would have scared any sane person except my annoying sibling who just grinned even wider.

“I saw you reading one the other night.”

That comment did it. Now he is getting killed. I tightened my grip, getting ready to strangle him, forgotten all about what a glory morning it was. “I DID NOT!”

As if things were not bad enough my “precious” little brother started to yell for mom. Loudly. “Moooooommmmmm Nick is huuuurttiiingggg meeeee.”

“I am not,” I wheezed, afraid that mom would come barging up to our room. Roughing him up I snarled, “Be quiet.”

Then the little rascal did what I feared the most. He yelled even louder for mom to come. Luckily dad was at work or there would have been all hell rose.

“Moooom Nick is being mean to meeeeeeee.”

Debating whether or not I should let the creep win I decided that I had to show who was the older one here and I tightened my grip. “Shut up or I hit you.” I know that it was a mean thing to do but I was getting desperate here. Not wanting to get bashed for hurting my little brother and certainly not having him tell mom about the magazines.

Aaron most has smelled a lead since he said with a smile, “Wait until I yell mom what you did while you were reading those magazines.” He grinned like a cat that was caught with a bird in his mouth. “Under the blanket.”

I about choked. What did he know? What had he seen? My heart was pounding so hard. This was NOT something I wanted mom to find out. “What did you see?” I could feel myself becoming a raging serial killer when I calmed down. What did a six year old know about such things?

Aaron had no chance to answer since mom came bursting into the room. “What’s all the noise about?” She held her hands on her hips and her lips were pinched in an irritated expression..

No Christmas spirit there.

Aaron, sensing that he had the advantage over me and held the victory in a little box started to play out, probably to get even at me for not paying him the attention he had sought for. “Nick hurt me.” With a quivering lip he went into moms embrace. “He is being mean.”

“I was not. He was the one that started. Aar just burst into my room when I was sleeping and..” I told her what happened, minus the magazines and the small threats I had done to that annoying creep. She didn’t look too pleased.

“Nickolas you know better then to pick a fight with your little brother.” Mom draw back her breath as she scolded me. “He is only six and you are fourteen.” With a tired voice she started to tell me how immature I was acting only to end the session with a, “can’t you at least be nice when it’s Christmas Nick?”

Those last words hurt. I bit my lip, wanting so bad to defend myself but not telling what was really on my mind since it would only come back and grab me in my butt later on.

“Now let’s all go downstairs and be nice and celebrate Christmas together.” Mom had changed her tone and she scooted me towards the door. I tried to object saying that I was tired and that I didn’t have anything on besides my pyjamas but she was set to bring on the Christmas spirit that I had thought lacked so badly. “Nickolas don’t be such a spoil sport. The girls are waiting.”

I sighed heavily but then went over by the Christmas tree and opened my presents, pretending to feel joy when I was in reality so tired that my eyes would have needed to be holding open with the help of matchsticks.

The day floated kind of smooth and when I felt a bit better, after eating I might add, I actually decided to play a little with the creep. After all he is my little brother and I love him no matter what. We played with one of the video games that I got, “Little Nicky” when the door bell rang on the front door. Thinking that it was one of my relatives I didn’t pay much attention until mom came by the door and announced that I had company. She was smiling widely.

“You come back?” Aaron asked when I stood up and walked towards the door.

“Yeah in a minute..don’t touch anything.”

When I got to the door I saw Alicia standing there with a shy smile on her lips and her hands behind her back like she was hiding something. Alicia was my friend and she played with me in a band that we had called “The funky chickens”. It was me, Alicia, Brent and another guy called Josh. I was the singer and played drums. Alicia played electric guitar, Brent keyboard and Josh on the other guitar.

“Oh hi.” I said with a smile. Alicia was one of the girls that I thought was really cool and she could be a girl and a guy at the same time.

“Hi Nick.” She smiled back. “I thought that I would come and wish you a merry Christmas.” She pulled out a purple packet that she had hidden behind her back. “Here you go.”

“Gee thanks.” I accepted the gift and for once it was hard to find something to say. We didn’t get to play together very often since I was always on that high school tour or had to perform or something but when we did get together we usually had fun together. Today however it was like there was a tension between us. A strange one.

“Your mom told me that you’ve been busy with the group lately.”

I nodded. “Yeah kind off. We’ve been touring you know.

“Mmm. So are you guys going to make it then?” She asked and I looked at her with surprise.

“What do you mean?”

“You're going to go abroad touring too?” She looked at me with a strange look and I started to laugh.

“Abroad? You mean out off the country?” I shook my head between the giggles. “No I don’t think so.”

“BJ says that you will do that.”

“She does?” More surprises. “My sister says that?”

“Yes.” Alicia fidgeted a little. “She says that you will be famous and make a lot of money.”

I laughed again. A bit nervous this time. “She says so much. Don’t pay attention to her. She lies all the time.”

Alicia didn’t look like she was pleased with my answer. “So you think that you will really make it then?”

I shrugged, fingering on the packet she had given to me. “I don’t know to be honest.”

“Ok.” There was a brief pause as we both stared at each other. She was the first one to break the silence.

“Are you not going to open your present?”

“Eh uh..sure.” I looked down on the packet For some weird reason I felt my face blushing red. I was not used to get gifts like this.

“It’s from Brent and Josh too,” Alicia said quickly as I ripped the paper open. With shaky hands I pulled out what was in the package and it proved to be a pair of drumsticks. “Oh thanks!” I smiled widely really happy over my present. “New drumsticks. Just what I needed.” I felt relieved that it wasn’t something that would be embarrassing, like it was love stuff like a ring or something similar.

“Yeah? We thought that you would need a new pair now when you’re going to be famous.” This time it was her turn to blush. “You like them?”

“These are perfect” I fake drum moves in the air. “I love them. Thanks.”

“We thought they would come in handy when you get famous.” She smiled to me, a bit sadly. “And as a memory when you move from here.”

“I will never move from Ruskin,” I say, not following where she is taking this conversation. Is she feeling jealous or what? Why is she acting sad?

“So they say.” She sighs and for a moment it feels like I’m talking to someone in my mother’s age instead of one of my best friends that is only a year younger than me.

“It’s true and you know Alicia when I start my own band you’re going to be in it too.”

“I am?” She looks confused.

“Yes.” Suddenly I felt excited. “We’ve talked about that. Remember?”

She nods. “Mmm. I thought it was all talk.”

“No.” I shake my head. “It’s not. I promise.”

“Ok.”

To state that I’m telling the truth I say, “Alicia you’re going to be playing the electric guitar in my band.” She laughs and for a moment I feel really good. Alicia is important to me. At that moment however Aaron appears in the door way. “What happened? Are you not going to come and play with me?” He sounds as whiny as ever.

“Yeah..yeah.” I fake being nice while I pushed him out off the way with one hand. “I’ll come in a minute.” Once the little bugger had disappeared back to the living room Alicia said, “Well I better get going.”

At that moment I felt ready to kill Aaron for the second time in the day. Quickly I said, “No, you don’t have to do that. Come inside instead.” I invited her into our house.

She shook her head. “No I have to get going besides Aaron wants you to play with him.”

The sheer mention of my little brothers name makes me disgusted. “Bah” I snort.

She chuckles before she continues, “Just wanted to give you the present and wish you a merry Christmas.” She hesitated like she didn’t want to leave just yet.

“Ok.” I stood like frozen and just looked at Alicia. Something was different with her. Being the boy girl she so often was I was used to see her wear jeans or pants but today she had on a tight short skirt and a small top. Her brown hair was let back and she didn’t have that pony tail that otherwise was her trademark. In other words she looked as AJ would have put it hot!

Before I had a chance to react she lent over me and then I felt something wet. She had given me a kiss. I stared back at her, unable to do anything since it happened so fast and my reaction was slow. Quickly she said a “Goodbye” and then she ran down the driveway like I had scared her to death. Being the nerd that I am I couldn’t find anything to say; instead I stood there like a jerk feeling my mouth where she had planted the kiss. It felt wet.

Ok I most confess that I have kissed girls before but this time it was different. It was from Alicia the girl that I had known ever since I moved to Ruskin. The girl that I had laughed together with as well as shared my inner secrets, ok maybe not all but the ones that were clean enough to share. That kiss had been so unexpected and I probably would have been standing there all Christmas Eve if Aaron hadn’t interrupted me.

“Are you not coming soon?” He pulled at my arm. “Come on now.”

“Ok..ok..” Reluctantly I followed my little bro into the living room again. And then sank down on the floor, picking up the remote controller. This had been one strange day and something told me that it wasn’t over yet.

We were sitting and eating Christmas dinner with grandma and granddad Carter as well as some of my uncles, aunts and cousins when the door bell rang again. This time it was BJ that went to open the door. I didn’t pay much attention since I was busy eating the chicken when BJ shouted my name, “Nick come here.”

“Who is it?” I shouted back, making no intention to get up. The reason for my action was that BJ loved to tease me and tell me that someone was at the door when it was in reality some salesmen or some girl scout that was selling cookies.

“I don’t know. It’s special delivery for you,” BJ shouted back.

“A package?” We were yelling to each other like maniacs and mom and dad shot us a disapproving look.

“I suggest that you go and see what it is,” dad said and pointed towards the door. Knowing that it never paid off to talk against dad I stood up and then walked towards the door, getting ready to kick BJ’s ass if she was lying to me like she had done so many times.

To my surprise she was standing there with an envelope in her hand. “This one is for you.” She handed me the gift and then walked back to the dinner. I signed the recite to the UP boy and then went back into the kitchen too.

“Who is it from honey?” Mom asked when I had come inside again.

“Probably from some girl,” BJ said with a grin and I made a face at the same time as I grip my fist to show her that I could not be done messing around with.

“Nick has a girlfriend,” Aaron decided to announce and all of the adults eyes turned towards me.

“He does?”

“Yes her name is Alicia,” Aaron said proudly and at that moment I wished that I had killed him earlier this day. He didn’t deserve to live.

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I sneered but could feel my face blushing as I said so.

“You do too. I saw you kissing.” Aaron had really dropped the bomb.

“Kissing?” BJ asked, her eyes gleaming viciously. The rest of the people in the room were just as interested. Now Aaron could really count the seconds. BJ too as she said, “But Nick has known Alicia for what seem forever.”

I grit my teeth and I tell you that the fist wasn’t far away when mom was the one to interrupt us, “Bobbie Jean, I don’t think that we’re interested in hearing about Nick’s girlfriend.”

“I am,” Lesley piped up and I shot her an eye that told her to drop dead. There was laughter in the room. Luckily dad cut in, “Jane is right. That is Nick’s private life.”

I gave dad an appreciating smile at the same time as I managed to raise my finger unseen to BJ. She glared at me back and I think we would have went on with the bickering if it wasn’t for mom saying, “Nickolas are you not going to open that envelope?” She was really curious on what was inside.

I jerked. “The envelope? Oh I forgot.” Ripping the envelope open a piece of paper fell out on the floor.

“What’s that?” Curiosity had no limits in the Carter family.

“What does it look like I?” I sneered as I bent down and picked up the paper. There was silence in the room as I was reading the paper. Gasping I was slowly taking in what it said. My reaction got the other family members really curious.

“What does it say?” BJ wanted to know and mom and dad were just as interested.

“Yes honey what does it say?”

“We’re going on a promo tour,” I mumbled, reading all over again the document I held in my hand.

“That is nice,” mom smiled. “Another High school tour?”

“No.” I shook my head. “No it’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” Dad frowned and so did all other adults in the room.

BJ tried to snatch the paper out off met read. “Let me see.”

“Don’t,” I mumbled feeling pretty much in shock.

“What’s so secretive?” Mom asked. She had now walked up to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Honey is it something bad?”

“No.” I shook my head again. “It’s something great..As a matter of fact I’m going abroad.”

“Abroad?” The whole family was now as surprised as I was. “Abroad as in out of the country?”

“Yeah.” Finally I felt the strength to tell what was in the paper. “I’m going on a promo tour to on the 2 nd of January.” When my parents opened their mouth to ask where I held up a hand and then said slowly, “We’re going to Indonesia.”

******************************************Nick**************************************

I think that was the weirdest Christmas ever, at home that is. I had been revealed with a big secret by Aaron, who still brings those nude magazines up from time to time, as if I would be embarrassed by something like that. Hell I have dated lots of playboy girls and was even invited to the Playboy castle once with AJ but that’s not a chapter in my life that I feel very proud off.

Kissing Alicia however is. We never ended up a couple and after that wet kiss on my mouth it never happened again. When I went overseas touring she started dating Josh and today they are married and have a kid. However she was in my band when I went solo as I promised that weird Christmas day back in ’94.

We also did our promo tour to Indonesia which was so strenuous on all of us but also lots of fun. After that trip things started to happen but I refuse to go incidents ahead so for now I’m going to take a short break looking at this scrap book again.

Standing up I decide that my pugs needs to go for a walk and me I need some fresh air since all these memories have given me a headache. With that in mind I go outside trying to clear my mind. It’s difficult since so much have happened in so little time.All I remember is that the days, weeks, months yes even year that followed was very hectic. Both good and bad,


Authors note: Also an appology for the bad grammar. :Hope u can stil read :)