As he was staring out the window of his appartment at the clouded sky, thoughts of him were going through his mind. He knew he had to do something, he knew he had to help him in some way. But the question was, how was he going to do that, now that the one in need of help didn't want to see him anymore?

He sipped his coffee and put down the mug on his window-sill.
Sadness came over him. He blamed himself for all of the things that happened, but now there was nothing he could do. Just as he turned off the light, the phone rang.
Letting out a deep sigh, he moved quickly across the darkened room, staring at the phone for a moment in hesitation before slowly picking it up. Bringing it to his ear, he paused, licking his lips as he tried to speak.

"Hello? You there?"
"Hey." His voice emegered hushed and strained, like he had been crying and he immediately cleared his throat, silently chastising himself for being so weak. "What's going on?"
"I don't know man. I don't know what to do about him." He closed his eyes. And they were back to that. Just when he had decided to try and stop thinking about him, here he was, his thoughts completely plagued with concern over his best friend.
"Me neither. AJ I-I've been going crazy trying to figure this out. I feel so useless." He sat down heavily in the chair beside the phone, raking a hand through his hair in frustration. "Shit, my call waiting is going off. Hang on a sec."

"Sure." Heaving another sigh, he squinted at the phone, trying to make out the 'flash' button in the darkness before punching it lightly and bringing the phone back to his ear. "Hello?"
No-one answered so he tried again. "Hello? Who's there?"
But the one on the other end of the line still didn't reply. He sighed and hang up on whoever it was.
"AJ?"
"Who was it?"
"I don't know. He or she didn't say a word."
"Strange.. Where were we?"

"Screwed." Brain muttered, shutting his eyes roughly as he felt a headache slowly begin to work it's way into his mind. AJ let out a small sigh, re-adjusting the phone against his shoulder as he stood up and stretched.
"Have you tried talking to him?"
"Of course!" The Kentuckian snapped. "That's all i've been trying to do. He won't listen to me. I think he hates me."
"He won't listen to any of us Rok, it's not just you." The rebel said softly, a frown taking shape on his features as he spoke.

"But I'm his BEST FRIEND! Why won't he let me help him?"
"I don't know Bri, I really don't. You know how Nicky can be...he pushes people away when he's hurting. This time is no different."
"This is completely different!" Brian hissed. "Are you kidding me AJ? This isn't some stupid argument or anything like that. We're talking life or death here! He needs us! He needs me!"
"Look, why don't we head over to his house and try to talk to him again, okay? Maybe if the both of us go, he'll come around."
"I don't know Jay,"
"It's worth a shot. I'll pick you up in 30 minutes. See you then."
"Yeah. See you." Shutting off the phone, Brian tossed it onto the couch across from him, running a hand over his face. His mind racing, he got to his feet, shaking his head in an effort to clear his thoughts. What was he going to say to Nick this time? "I have no clue." He whispered.

"They don't have a clue.." Nick whispered to himself. They had no clue of what he was going through. They've all had their share of problems, but this was different. He closed his eyes and sighed. It seemed like the walls were closing in on him. He felt so small, so insignificant. If only.. No, that was impossible..

Letting out a deep sigh, he sunk down onto his bed, his eyes lingering on the piece of paper sitting next him.
"Why me?" He murmured. "Why now? Why us?" His head fell into his hands as he squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears not to come. He felt so lost right now. Allowing his eyes to slowly open, he picked up the sheet up paper, his sapphire gaze skimming over the words. He had read them countless times by now, hell, he had them memorized. But they still hurt him everytime. Taking in a deep breath, he beagn to read them out loud,

"Mr. Carter, We regret to inform you," He paused for a moment and took another deep breath before continuing, "We regret to inform you that we have located a small cancerous tumor right above your left lung. While this matter is extremely serious and life-threatening, it can be treated. As you can see, I have laid out the different routes we can take to tackle this and beat it head on. Please contact me as soon as you decide what to do. Regards, Dr. Peter Samson." The youth fell back against the bed as he finished the letter, his eyes shut once more as he tried to slow the thoughts racing in his head. His eyes shot open as his doorbell rang and he sat up with a small frown, glancing at the clock before making his way to the front door and peering out the peephole.

"Fuck." He mumbled, jerking the door open. "What?"
"Hey to you too asshole." AJ muttered, pushing his way past the blonde and into the house.
"Hi Frack." Nick grunted a hello to Brian as he stepped aside, letting the older man enter before shutting the door.
"What do you guys want?"
"To talk." The rebel sighed. "We know something is up Carter and neither of us are taking to kindly to your bullshit lately. Especially me. And i don't sugar coat shit, so tell us what the hell is going on with you."
"Nothing." Came the hastened reply as Nick shook his head. "There's nothing wrong."

"Nick stop, okay? Just stop. Look, I know it's something serious and i know it has to do with your health. Why won-"
"How do you know that?" The youth demanded, cutting off the Kentuckian as his eyes snapped to stare at him. Brian frowned and let out a large sigh, shifting back and forth on his feet before answering.
"The other day at the venue," He sighed, "I heard you on the phone in the green room. Saying something about doctor appointments and your health and i heard the words 'life threatning.'" Brian took a few steps forward, now standing directly in front of Nick. "Frack, what's going on? What aren't you telling us? We just want to help with whatever it is. Don't you understand?" Nick's eyes darted back and forth from Brian to AJ, his mind racing. Could he actually tell them? He didn't want to be alone on this, it was already killing him keeping everything from his four brothers. But he didn't want to hurt them, didn't want to bring them pain.
"C'mon kid, tell us what's up." AJ nodded, pulling off his sunglasses and giving the younger man a small smile. "So what's the deal?"

Nick opened his mouth to tell AJ where exactly he could go with all his crap before he shut it, shaking his head slowly, his body slumping aginst the wall in defeat. He couldn't go through this without them.
"Where's Kev & Howie?" He whispered, running a hand over his face.
"Um, i think Kevin is at home and Howie's out talking to some reps about some houses he wants to build," AJ said slowly, a frown taking shape on his features. "Why?"
"They need to be here. I can't do this twice. I can't say it twice." The rebel nodded and pulled out his cell phone, walking out of the room as he dialed the numbers.

"Nicky, how serious is this?" The southener asked gently, watching AJ leave the room for a moment before he redirected his gaze; his eyes wide as he he stared at his best friend. Nick slowly raised his head, a sad smile etched into his features.
"You heard 'life-threatening', didn't you?"
"Oh god," Brian sank down on the arm of the chair behind him, his mind racing. "Oh god." AJ came walking back into the room a few seconds later, snapping his phone shut and letting it drop into his pocket.

"Kev is gonna grab Howie since D is in his area and they're gonna be here in like 15 minutes. Okay Kaos?"
"Fine." The youngest man smiled, running his finger through his hair as silence drifted over the 3 men. "Um, do you guys want anything to eat or drink? I just went shopping."
"You? Shopping?" AJ gasped, trying to break the thick apprehension in the room. "No way dude. Did you buy anything other than beer, chips and pizza?" A grin worked it's way onto Nick's features and he rolled his eyes, thankful for the lightness of the conversation.
"I'm an excellent and very well-rounded shopper, thank you very much." He huffed out his chest in exaggeration and AJ let out a snort as he rolled his own eyes.

"So what did you buy Frack?" Brian grinned, trying to push away his worry for the moment and joining in with the friendly banter.
"I bought fruit and dairy and bread and meat." Nick said after a moment of thinking.
"So what? The tomato sauce on the pizza, the cheese, the meat and the crust?" AJ laughed, plopping down onto the couch and laughing even harder as Nick simply flipped him off. "Yeah, nice try dude."
"Screw you Jay." The blonde snickered, the smiling falling off his face as the doorbell rang. The laughter immediately fell away from AJ and Brian as well as AJ sat up and Brian shot to his feet. With a muted sigh, Nick made his way to the door, opening it slowly, a small smile accompaning his greeting. "Hey fellas." Both of his older friends smiled at him and Howie moved in first, giving him a small pat on the back before moving into the main room. "Gonna come in Kev?" Kevin simply nodded, his emerald gaze locked onto Nick's form. Stepping forward, he engulfed Nick in a hug, gently rubbing his back.
"What ever it is, we'll help you through it." He whispered into the younger man's ear as he pulled away.
"I know Kev." Nick mumbled, "I never doubted that."

He closed the door slowly and followed Kevin into the main room, gesturing for his eldest friend to take a seat before he backed up and stood before them all, his blue eyes darting to look at each man before he licked his lips. "I'm not sure how to say this, and I didn't want to have to say this because this group has been through enough. I don't want to be a burden on any of you."
"Not possible Nicky." Howie replied, shaking his head. "You never have been and never will be." The blonde nodded and took it a deep breath, letting it out slowly as his eyes fell to the floor. "Okay, here goes," He breathed. "Guys I-I have cancer."

Nick closed his eyes and waited for anyone to respond, but none of them said a word. When he finally opened his eyes again, he saw they were all in a state of shock. Brian and Kevin were staring out of the window, Howie was studying the carpet and A.J. was staring at the wall behind him.

Brian was the first to speak up as he slowly turned his head and looked Nick straight in the eyes. "Where?" His words were flat and the look on his face distant. Nick was shocked by the coldness he felt coming from his best friend. He took a deep breath. "Above my left lung." Brian nodded and turned his head, once again staring out the window. Nick knew the message he had told them was shocking, but he didn't expect this. He expected hugs, words of encouragement, not standing there by himself, feeling alone while they were in the same room with him.

Kevin finally moved, and walked up to him, but he still avoided looking in the eyes of his friend. "Give it to me." He softly said.
Nick didn't quite understand what he was talking about, so he looked at Kevin with a puzzled expression on his face, but Kevin didn't see it, because he was looking at the wall behind Nick. Out of nowhere, he suddenly exploded. "Damn you, Nick. Give me the damn cigarettes."

Nick knew he had to give it up eventually, so he might as well do it now. Maybe this habit of his had caused the shit he was in right now. He simply stated "Drawer." and pointed to the coffee table. Kevin immediately walked over to it, took out the four packages of cigarettes, then asked "Is that it?" Nick shook his head, emptied his pockets and threw two more on the table.

Kevin wasn't satisfied though. "Alex, you too."
For once, Alex didn't argue and also threw his cigs on the couch.
"You WILL throw away anything you have in your car, at home, and anywhere else, right?" Kevin firmly said, it wasn't even a question but he made a statement. A.J. just nodded, not even bugged by the tone of Kevin's voice. Kevin took the packages in his hands, then headed for the bathroom. He threw all the cigarettes in the toilet, flushed it, and threw all the empty boxes in the trash can next to it.

After that, he leaned against the wall, staring in the mirror, seeing nothing but his father staring back at him. "Not again" he mumbled. He felt like he had been hit with a hammer. His friend had cancer, and all he could think of was how to get away from this place..
Flipping on the water, he allowed the cool liquid to run through his hands before he bent down, splashing some onto his face and taking in a shaky breath. He couldn't go down this road again. He wasn't strong enough.
"Why, huh? What have we done to you?! First you take my father, then you almost take my cousin, now you want my baby brother!? WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!" Kevin cried, balling up his fists as he squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to stay strong. "Damn you." Came the whisper as he sank down onto the floor, his resolve breaking as he shuddered and began to cry for everything that was at stake.

AJ, Howie and Brian had still yet to move aside from watching Kevin dash up the stairs. They had heard muffled yells but none of them had gathered up enough energy to go see their eldest friend. They simply sat, staring at whatever they could, whatever wasn't Nick. And Nick stood there, hands shoved deep into his pockets, unsure of what to do.

"Guys I," Nick trailed off for a moment and sighed, finally falling into the arm chair across from his bandmates. "I-I'm so sorry." AJ finally shook himself from the stupor he had fallen into and rocked his head back and forth, fixing his gaze on his younger friend. Getting up, he moved over to Nick, pulling him into a big hug.
"Don't be." He whispered before pulling away. "We'll fight this Nick."
"Yeah," Howie added, rising to his feet and forcing a smile onto his features as he gave Nick a hug. "This isn't over yet."

"How long have you known?" Brian question was soft, his accent pronounced as he turned his watery gaze on his best friend, his hands clasped tightly in his lap. "Brian, who cares? We know now. Let's just figure out what we're gonna do." Howie frowned.
"How long Nick?" The southener demanded, his voice growing rough as he narrowed his eyes slightly, ignoring the Latino.
"Two months." The blonde finally replied, his eyes falling to the floor. AJ whipped around to stare at Nick and even Howie let out a small gasp in surprise.

"You've known for two months?!" AJ repeated. "Have you started anything? What are you doing to beat this shit?"
A half smile worked it's way onto Nick's features and he shrugged. "Nothing." Brian's eyes went wide and he got to his feet, feeling anger rush through him. "Why haven't you done anything? Have you talked to a doctor?" The southener was asking, his voice rising with each word.
"I-"
"This isn't just going to go away Nick! You can't just brush it off and leave it until later! What the hell is wrong with you?! Do you WANT to DIE?" Brian was screaming now, standing directly in front of Nick as Howie and AJ watched, open mouthed and in shock. "How stupid could you be Nick?!"
"Fuck you Brian!" Nick spat, shooting to his feet as frustration and anger coursed through him. "It's my fucking life!"
"Are you KIDDING me?! So you want to die? Don't you give a shit about anyone around you? Are you really that selfish Nick?"
"You don't know what the HELL you're talking about!" Nick yelled, towering over Brian as his eyes blazed. "How DARE you even su-"
"ENOUGH!" All four men jumped at the loud cry, immediately seeing Kevin standing on the staircase, looking absolutely livid at them.

"NO!" Brian exclaimed, for once he didn't obey his cousin, feeling he had to make a few things really clear. "HOW in the hell.."
"I SAID ENOUGH!!" Kevin bellowed at the top of his lungs. "Screw you, Kev." Brian growled before he returned his attention back to Nick, who was in shock, watching how his friends completely lost control of themselves.
"You haven't done ANYTHING?! How can you be this STUPID?!"
Nick felt how anger was again taking over his mind, his body.
"Stupid huh.." Nick exploded and hearing the agressiveness in his tone made him shiver.
"Yeah STUPID, CLUELESS, DUMB." Brian looked at him as if he was ready to lunge forward.
"Do you have ANY ideas of the side effects of the treatment? Doctor said I'll have to get chemo, Rok." Nick softly said.
"Yeah, so your hair will fall out, you'll look like shit for a while. So? Are you really THAT vain that you will risk your life just so you can look good?! Jezus, Nick."
Nick turned around so he didn't have to face his friend.
That Brian even thought that, made him feel like he had just been stabbed in the heart.
"WELL?"
"Don't, Rok." A.J. spoke up, trying to get everyone to calm down a bit, but Brian wasn't quite done.
"I WON'T calm down until I get an answer from vain little Nicky."
Nick turned around, facing Brian as he walked up to him so close that Brian could feel Nick's breath on his face, then he exclaimed while trying to hold back the tears. "After the chemo, LITTLE VAIN NICKY HERE, will probably not be able to have kids of his own."

Small update, but we don't want to rush things and give you chapters that have an ending that makes no sense.. since we don't write chapter by chapter, but additions to what the other has written. We want to thank everyone for their reviews.. it's very much appreciated!!
Now sit back, relax, and see how AJ deals with Brian.

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"What?" Brian snapped, his mind reeling as he struggled to see through his anger.
"You know what, fuck you!" The younger man hissed, giving Brian a shove and causing the Kentuckian to stumble back into Howie. "Fuck you Brian. I knew telling you would be hurtful and I knew you might take it badly but god," Nick paused for a moment as his anger began to fall away, a lump forming in his throat as tears blurred his vision. "Brian, ho-how could you? You're supposed to be my best friend. How can you not understand?" Brian's eyes widened as he watched a few tears fall from Nick's eyes and the anger immediately left him, horror washing over his being.
"Oh Jesus," He breathed. "I-I don't know what I was thinking." He stepped forward to hug Nick, only to be met by resistance as the youth shoved him away again. "Frack I-"
"No!" Nick cried, shaking his head as he took a step back. his eyes darted to Brian's scared look, to Kevin, Howie and AJ's shocked features before he took in a deep, shaky breath. "This was a mistake." He whispered before turning and bolting from the room. The four men heard the front door slam and the sound of a car starting before they even registered the fact that Nick had left.

"Shit!" Kevin cursed, breaking out of his shock and running for the door. "Stay here in case he comes back!" He barked to the other before running out of the house. Silence hovered over the three men before it was broken by a loud sob as Brian collapsed to his knees, his head buried in his hands. Letting out a small sigh, AJ met Howie's gaze, who nodded slowly.

"Brian," Howie sighed, kneeling down. "Brian look, just calm down so we can talk."
"I'm horrible! Horrible! What kind of friend am I?" Brian wailed, "How could i have been so stupid? What was I thinking? Oh god, he'll never forgive me!"
"Bri, it's not gonna be like that." The Latino soothed. "Calm down. Just-"
"You don't know! I'm such a bad friend! I don't...I can't believe I told him that!!!" Aj rolled his eyes at the display, crossing his arms over his chest as he cleared his throat.
"AJ don't-" Howie began but Aj simply shook his head, waving his hand to silence his older friend. "Stop it Brian." The rebel demanded, "You're an asshole, we know that." Brian's head shot up at the address and his mouth fell open as his crying became to reduced to ragged breathing. "That's more like it."
"Jay," The eldest sighed, "Maybe you shouldn't-"
"I know what I'm doing D." AJ muttered. "Get up Rok and sit down on the couch." Brian mutely followed the order, falling on the couch with a small sigh. "Howie, sit down too."
"Yeah."
"Alright," AJ let a small smile cross his face as he sat down across from his two friends. "Now let's talk about that lovely fit you just threw Rok."

Thanks everyone for reviewing!!

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"Watch out.."
Kevin whispered to himself as he saw Nick driving about a hundred feet in front of him, going at least eighty miles an hour, and by the looks of it, he wasn't paying any attention to the road before him. The car was careening from the left to the right side of the road and back as if he was drunk and at one point he almost hit a road sign, but the car swerved back on to the road to avoid hitting it just in time.

“Jezus Nick..Slow down..” Kevin tried to keep up with him, but when he almost hit a car when he hadn't noticed it was slowing down, Kevin decided this was getting too dangerous. As he hit the brakes, he noticed his friend’s vehicle was starting to slow down, eventually pulling over. Only now did Kevin have a look at the surroundings, noticing that Nick drove to the place he felt truly at home.. The beach..

Nick was still holding the wheel with all his strength, staring at the ocean, feeling the need to get out of his vehicle and feel the sand between his toes, but first he had to find the courage. He swung the door open and slowly got out, feeling the soft salty breeze and hearing the sea-gulls that were probably bickering over some food. He took off his shoes and socks and threw them on his seat before he slammed the door and locked it. Now he was finally home..

He walked up to the shoreline and sat down in the sand, staring at the horizon, feeling betrayed by his best friend. He thought he had somehow prepared for anything to happen, but not this. Brian had accused him of being shallow, being nothing more than vain. But that wasn’t why he hadn’t yet started the fight against cancer. Dr. Samson had immediately informed him about the consequences of the chemotherapy and becoming infertile was one of them.

There was a slight chance that he could have kids of his own, but that was almost non-existent. At first Nick didn’t think that was so bad, but when the news had sunk in, it felt like his future got shattered into a million pieces. He wasn’t in a relationship right now, but he had always known he’d want to be a father someday. And seeing how Brian was with Baylee, he thought he was the one person that would truly understand his reasons for not immediately seeking treatment, but he had just judged him without a doubt. Nick could feel the tears well up in his eyes, and as he closed them the tears fell in the sand, leaving two little dark dots as the sand absorbed them.

He felt how someone sat down next to him, but he didn’t feel the need to see who it was, he already knew. Whenever there was a crisis, he was there, so Nick knew it was Kevin who was now sitting next to him. He felt a hand being placed on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. That was enough for him to break down and cry like he had never cried before. All of the pain he had kept inside for two months came out with loud cries filled with despair and different fears. Kevin gently pulled his little brother into a hug, trying to soothe him by rubbing his back and whispering that they’d win this fight together, while he tried to hold back his own tears, for he was almost as scared as Nick that they wouldn’t.

As Nick let go of Kevin after a while, he softly whispered. “Why, Kev? Why did Brian say those things? I’m not shallow, right?” He looked at his brother, he needed someone who would tell him that he wasn’t shallow, that he had every reason to be scared. Kevin let out a deep sigh while he was trying to think of the right words to say. “No, you’re not, Nick. We know you’re not. Hell, Brian knows that too.” Kevin paused for a second. “He just..”

The older man trailed off again, his emerald gaze sweeping over the orange horizon, lingering on the dying sun for a moment before he let out another sigh.
"He's scared baby." Nick let a small laugh escape him and he leaned into Kevin, letting his eyes slip shut.
"And I'm not?" The younger man mumbled. "I'm scared shitless Kev. I," He paused as another lump worked its way into his throat, making it difficult for him to speak. "I don't want to die." The statement was no more that a whisper, the sound of the ocean nearly drowning it out but Kevin heard it loud and clear, his heart breaking as he desperately tried to force back his tears. Now was not the time to lose it. Nick needed him to be strong. Not trusting his voice, he simply pulled the younger man even closer, resting his chin on top of Nick's head.

"We're not going to lose you." Kevin murmured after a moment of silence. "I lost my father, I almost lost Brian," The eldest's voice wavered for a second and he took in a shaky breath. "I will NOT lose you Nick. We're going to beat this. I don't care how much it costs, where we have to go or how long it takes, we're going to beat this."
"Kev, the doctor said the chemo...I won't be able to sing or tour. We'll have to cancel everything. What about the group?" Kevin pulled away from his youngest bandmate, resting his hands on his shoulder and giving him a gentle shake.
"None of that matters baby. You come before the group. We all come before the group."

"But Kev-"
"You come before the group." Kevin repeated sternly, locking his gaze with saddened grey-blue eyes before him. "Understand me?"
"Yeah." Kevin pulled Nick into another large hug, ruffling his hair playfully before letting go. Sighing for a second, he met the younger man's gaze again, a sad smile washing over his features. "We gotta go talk to Brian, don't we?" Nick sighed, rolling his eyes slightly.

"We, don't. No." Kevin rose to his feet, extending a hand down and pulling Nick up with a small grunt. "You need to talk to him Nicky, tell him how you feel."
"That didn't work so well last time." Nick frowned, following Kevin back to the cars. A matching frown appeared on Kevin's face as he nodded.
"Look, Brian was an ass. He knows that by now, I'm sure. You know he didn't mean anything he said."
"I know," The blonde muttered. "But it still hurt."
"Then tell him that baby." Kevin stated simply, unlocking his car and tugging the door open. "Now isn't the time to fall apart. Not after all the other shit we've been through and I'll be damned if this breaks us."
"You sure you can't just talk to Brian?"
"Positive. I'll meet you back at the house."
The older man nodded, leaning on his car for a moment.

"And Nick?"
"Huh?"
"Drive safely, okay? None of that stunt driving shit you pulled on the way here. Pay attention to what you're doing." Nick struggled not to roll his eyes. Leave it to Kevin to lecture him about auto saftey at a time like this.
"I will." He watched Kevin climb into his car and drive off before settling into his own, leaning back in the driver's seat with a large sigh. This whole ordeal was turning into one hellish, never ending nightmare. Throwing the keys into the ignition, he jerked them quickly, allowing the car to roar to life. He hated confronting Brian. he never knew what to say. And this time, he was more angry than he was upset but the last thing he wanted to do was get into another argument. Sighing again, he shoved the car into reverse, "Here goes nothing."

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*peeks around corner*
maybe, just maybe, you can have a look at my story, "Memories"? Pretty please..
*blushes and runs out of Prevailing Fate again*

“Listen Rok, he should be here any minute. Choose your words carefully and try to actually THINK before you blurt something out. That attitude you had earlier..”
Brian sat on the couch, his head hanging down, studying his hands so he could avoid Kevin’s stare. “I know, cuz. I know.”
“No, you don’t know. You didn’t see how upset he was over everything you said. You’re supposed to be his best friend and act supportive. Instead you castigated him.. Just leave that up to the press.” Kevin rolled his eyes, but immediately went onto a serious note again. “DON’T screw this up, because I swear, if you do - ”
“That’s enough, Kev. Nick just pulled up the driveway.” A.J. let go of the curtain so Nick wouldn’t notice that he had been standing there, waiting for him to arrive.

Nick’s head rested on his hands, that were resting on the steering wheel. How could he go in right now? He knew Kevin was right, he himself had to be the one who needed to talk to Brian, but how was he supposed to start the conversation. It wasn’t as if he could just walk in smiling, going like “Owh my God, I’m back again..”. So what was he supposed to say?
Brian’s outburst earlier that day had taught Nick one lesson. No matter how hard you prepared for conversations as tough as these, it was always possible that something you least expected might happen, causing you to feel lost and alone.

Stepping from the car after another moment, Nick kicked the car door shut, shoving his hands into his pockets as he walked up the dirt path and to the front door. His hand fell on the door for a second before he took a step back. He couldn't talk to Brian right now. Letting out a large sigh, he instead made his way around the back of the house, taking a seat on one of the chairs positioned before his pool. Nick closed his eyes briefly, bringing a hand up to massage his temple. God, his head was killing him. He opened his eyes, watching the last amount of the sun bounce of the shimmering pool, the blue radiating against the firery red sky.

"You know," He whispered, looking up at the cloudless sky. "I just don't understand what we've done to deserve all the shit you send us." Nick shook his head, squeezing his hands into fists as he fought to remain calm. "What have we done?! What have I done?! HUH?! IT'S NOT FAIR!" The youth was on his feet in a second, seizing the first thing he could, a glass lantern set on the table beside him, and throwing it with all his might across the pool. A sob ripped it's way out of Nick as he watched it shatter, "It's not fair." He fell into the chair, his head buried in his hands as he cried.

"No," A voice whispered, pulling Nick into a hug. "It's not." The blonde jumped in alarm, immediately finding himself engulfed in Brian's arms. "I'm so sorry Frack! I'm so sorry. I was so out of line with everything I said. I don't know what I was thinking." Nick slowly pulled away, brushing the tears off his face as he sniffled.
"Bri-"
"Wait, I have to say all this." Brian met the gaze of his friend, a sad smile appearing on his face. "Nick, when you told us," The kentuckian trailed off with a long sigh, "All I could think about was everything we've been through. And I don't mean all the bad. I mean, all I could picture were the good time. Our first recording deal, first record, tours, pranks...you know?"
"Yeah."

"And all I could think was that it couldn't end here. This can't be it for us."
"The group...I know. I told Kev-"
"I'm not talking about the group Frack." The older man sighed with exasperation. "I'm talking about US. You and me. And the rest of the fellas. Kevin, Howie, AJ, you and me. Not us the Backstreet Boys, but us, 5 guys who are brothers until the end. And this can't be our end. I won't let it."

"I can only fight this so much Brian." Nick mumbled, raking a hand through his hair.
"True," Brian nodded. "But when you can't fight anymore, I'll be there to fight for you. And one of us there for me, and so on. We won't let you go Nick. You understand me?" Brian pulled Nick back into a hug, "I'm sorry for everything I said. All of it. You know that right?"
"Of course." Nick sighed. "I knew it even while you were saying it."
"I just," The southener trailed off for a moment. "I was just so angry and I don't even know what I was angry about! I just exploded. I'm an idiot."
"Yeah," Came the agreement as Nick smiled softly. "But I forgive you."
"Thanks...I think." Brian laughed, giving the younger man a sqeeze. They were both silent for a moment before Brian cleared his throat. "Um, so-"

"You want to know all the details about everything?"
"You know me too well Nicky."
"Alright." Nick slowly got to his feet. "Let's head inside then. I might as tell you all at once." Brian nodded in agreement, getting up as well. "I don't know about all this Frick." He muttered, walking back to the house with Brian.
"Let's see what our options are first Nicky." The older man slung an arm around his younger friend. "Just remember, we're all in this together."
"I know." The younger man tugged the sliding glass door open slowly. "I know."

As they walked in the house, they found the rest of the guys in the living room. A.J. and Kevin were discussing the weather, and Howie did what he does best, sleeping on Nick's couch.
When Brian noticed, he gently poked Nick in the side and pointed at Howie. At first Nick didn't understand, but when he followed the direction Brian was pointing in, he chuckled. Howie could sleep anywhere, anytime, and now was obviously no exception. He and Brian glanced at each other, knowing this was the perfect opportunity to pull a prank which might relieve some of the tension.

Kevin and A.J. had stopped talking and when they saw what the other two were looking at, Kevin shook his head while smiling. He had seen those looks a million times before and knew they were up to something. Normally he would’ve probably said something to keep them from pulling a prank on Howie while he was asleep, because they had done that far too many times. But this time was different. All of them could use a laugh, but it was most likely only the four of them actually would. Nick placed a finger against his lips, signaling the others to be quiet as he and Brian went over to the kitchen, where they softly prepared one of their jokes that would probably go down in history as one of the most hilarious ones.

They tiptoed back into the living room after a few minutes, Nick holding a huge bowl. A.J. tried to see what was in it, but Nick held it above his head, so nobody could see. Brian knelt down next to Howie’s head as his friend held the bowl right above his face, with the open side facing him. Brian counted down with his fingers..3...2...1.. after which the two clowns yelled “WAKEY WAKEY!”, causing Howie to shot up straight, planting his face in the huge bowl. The other four bursted into laughter, and when they heard him muffle something like “W-whaat the duck?!” they completely lost it.

The two clowns high-fived and even Kevin started to cry because he was laughing so hard. Howie took of the bowl, and looked a bit puzzled at the others, his face covered in whipped cream. The look of that only caused the others to laugh even harder, and Howie joined in. He knew it was his own fault, falling asleep on the weirdest occassions. Brian who was still chuckling, eventually threw him a towel so he could clean up. Howie caught it and tried to get the sticky stuff off his face. As he was doing so, silence slowly came over the five men.

Wiping the goo off of his face, Howie briefly shot a glare at his two younger friends,
"Thanks guys. Thanks a lot." He muttered, folding the towel in half before chucking it at Nick.
Nick caught it with a loud snot, trying to hold back his laughter. "I'm sorry D." He chuckled. "Really, but it was just too perfect to pass up."
"Yeah," Brian nodded. "When opportunity presents it self, you gotta go for it."
"Oh shut up." The Latino mumbled, rolling his eyes. "And you two!" He turned his glare to Kevin and AJ. "What did you do, just watch?"
AJ shrugged as he re-adjusted his baseball cap, a large grin on his face.
"Hey, you know how it is with those two. Sit on the sidelines or become the next target. Sorry dude."
"What he said." Kevin sighed, wiping the tears out of his eyes. "Ahh, we needed that."

"I suppose." Howie grumbled, a slight smile creeping up onto his face. "But why it had to be at my expense, like usual, I will never figure out."
"It's because we love you D." The blonde laughed, "Yeah Howie, it's all about love." A wicked gleam shown in Brian's eyes as he glanced at Nick. "Show Howie Nicky." Nick nodded and let out a loud yell before running at Howie and tackling him with a big hug. "I wuv voo!" He gave Howie a big kiss on the cheek as he hugged him, causing the older man to groan as he tried to push the younger man off of him. "Alright! Alright!" Howie was yelling, trying to shove Nick away. "Nicky back! Back! Brian, would you call off your attack dog?"
"Howard, I'm shocked!" Brian gasped, putting a hand over his heart. "Do you not want the love of young Nickolas?" Kevin simply chuckled as he got to his feet, tugging his youngest bandmate off of Howie and watching as Nick tumbled to the floor.

"Hey!"
"Not my fault." Kevin shrugged, beginning to walk past the blonde. "We should probably figure out dinner or s-AHHH! NICK!" The older man went sprawling to the floor, narrowing his eyes as he saw Nick's hand leave his ankle.
"Whoops?" The youth chuckled.
"You've got 10 seconds before I kill you Carter." Kevin growled, pushing himself to his feet. "1...2...3...10!" Nick sprang to his feet as Kevin lept after him, the younger man's laughter echoing through the house, followed by pounding footsteps as Kevin ran after him.
"I better go help Frack save his ass." Brian laughed, jumping to his feet and taking off after the two men.

"I can't imagine Nicky not being here." Howie said suddenly, immediately sobering up AJ who turned to stare at him.
"I mean, I don't want to bring the mood back down but-"
"Then don't." AJ snapped, throwing his sunglasses on.
"AJ, we have to think about reality." The older man sighed. "It sucks, but we have to figure out-"
"Not right now." The rebel hissed, cutting off his friend. "Just drop it for the moment Howie. Nicky needs this. So does Bri and Kev...us too."
"I know, I know."
"So then stop talking about it Howie." AJ got to his feet as he heard a large splash come from outside, followed by Brian's loud laughter, a grin appearing on the younger man's face. "I think Kevy threw Frack into the pool! C'mon D! We gotta see this!" He cackled, running out of the room as he slapped Howie on the shoulder. The Latino shook his head as he got to his own feet, walking to the sliding glass door and looking outside. A smile danced onto his face as he got a good look at his four brothers. Nick was in the pool, his clothes a complete mess, rolling his eyes as Brian and AJ pointed and laughed at him while he swam over to where Kevin was sitting on the side of the water, his feet in the pool as he looked at Nick with a smug smile on his face.
"Don't you dare." Kevin warned, starting to pull his feet out of the water.
"What?" Nick asked innocently. "Don't pull you in? I won't." The youth smiled brightly, glancing behind Kevin. "I'll just let AJ & Frick push you in."
"Wha-" Was all Kevin got out before he was shoved into the pool, the 3 younger man roaring with laughter as Kevin surfaced, sputtering and cursing. "Priceless!"AJ was gasping out. "Oh man! That was priceless!!" Brian was laughing so hard he was on the floor, clutching his stomach as he simply nodded. With a small sigh, Howie stepped out onto the deck, "Please," He whispered, glancing up at the night sky before walking towards his friends. "Don't let this all become nothing more than a memory."

After dinner, the five men were still sitting at the table, four of them wanted to know the whole story, but none of them dared to ask, not wanting to ruin the evening. After a long silence, Nick cleared his throat, knowing he had to tell them eventually. “I-I found out through one of our medical check-ups..”
That caused all four men to look at him, puzzled. “But how? They usually are nothing more than a quick exam..” Kevin eventually asked.
Nick nodded and continued his story.
“He used the.. the..damn, what is it called?”
“Stethoscope?” Brian tried to help his best friend.
“Yeah that.. and everything was fine at first. But then he probably noticed something and asked me a couple of questions. Like if I often feel short on breath, am exhausted more than I should be, and so on.” A.J. didn’t quite understand. “And he got all that from listening through that thing?”
“Stethoscope.”
“Yeah Rok, whatever.” He replied as he rolled his eyes.
“No Jay, he made an appointment for me at the hospital and they did some tests, a scan, tissue sample, and blood screen.”
“But.. when..”
“I scheduled them between rehearsals, Rok. I didn’t want to tell you just yet. Didn’t want you to worry or be a burden.”

“Nick, please don’t shut us out anymore. You’re not a burden to us, we just want to help you in any possible way and be there for you.” Kevin said as he got up and stood behind him, his hands on the youg one’s shoulders, squeezing them gently. Nick turned his head to look at the older man and nodded, after which he turned his head again and fixed his gaze on his hands. “And when the results got back, they tried to call me a dozen times, but I was scared to answer it. I was afraid they’d tell me something I didn’t want to know.. So eventually they sent me a letter, completely against hospital policy.”

"What did it say exactly?" Howie asked him as he put his hand on Nick's arm, feeling he needed the comfort. Nick shrugged, his eyes on the table before him as he absently played with the tablecloth. "Nicky? What did it say bud?"
"Just some bullshit." The youth muttered, shaking his head.
"Nick," Kevin took his seat again, boxing Nick lightly on the knee to get his attention. "Hey...would you look at me for a second?" He waited until he had the younger man's eyes on him before continuing. "Thank you. Now listen to me because I don't want to say this again." Brian, Howie and AJ all glanced at one another in apprehension, wondering what was going to come next.
"Do you uh, do you want us to leave?" Brian asked hesitantly, slowing beginning to rise to his feet. "No." Kevin answered, not even bothering to look at his cousin. "Nick, you've got to cut this out, okay?"
"Cut what out?" The younger man huffed, rolling his eyes.
"That, you smart ass." AJ grinned, cuffing Nick lightly on the back of the head. Nick frowned and batted his hand away, cursing when AJ ruffled his hair. "AJ you asshole I swear I-"
"AJ stop it." The eldest interjected. "Baby listen to me, yes, you need to stop being a smart ass." Aj opened his mouth to say something and Kevin whipped around to galre at him. "Don't you dare Alex."
"Okay, okay!" The rebel sighed, putting his hands up in an 'I surrender' gesture. "Yeesh, touchy." Howie rolled his eyes at his younger friend, giving him a quick elbow in the ribs. "OW! What the fuck-" "Shut it AJ!" Brian snapped. "God, would you just keep your mouth shut and let Kevin talk?"
AJ's eyes went wide and he let out a low whistle, nodding slowly. "Alright. Continue on Mighty Kev."

Ignoring the comment, Kevin let out a small sigh, raking a hand through his hair.
"Nicky,look, what I'm trying to say is that you've got to let us help you. Like I said earlier tonight,we want to be there for you in every way,
shape and form but you've GOT to let us in."
"I-"
"No, no, no. Let me finish." The older man said as he waved his hand to silence Nick. "I know you're scared...terrified even. And I know you don't want to put us through any more shit but you make it worse by not letting us help you." Kevin paused for a moment, lowering his head and when he raised it again, Nick could see his eyes watering.
"Kev-"
"No! Dammit Nick, I was powerless when my Dad was fighting his battle with cancer. I couldn't do a damn thing to help him. So I'll be goddamned if you think I'm just going to sit on the sidelines with this one. I refuse," Kevin choked out, "I REFUSE to be put in that situation again. And I'm going to help you kick this thing in the ass, whether you like or not. Whether you ask for my help or not. But I'm telling you baby, asking you, please don't shove us away. You don't have to do this on your own."
Brian had burried his hands in his head by the time Kevin had finished, crying softly. Howie's eyes were on the ground, his foot pushing the carpet back and forth as he tried to think of anything but what was going on before him. And AJ simply stared, his mouth wide open as he watched a few tears slip from Kevin's eyes.

"I-I'm sorry." Nick breathed, saying the only thing he could think of. "Don't apologize baby," Kevin half-laughed, pulling Nick into a hug.
"Just stop being so damn stubborn."
"I'll give it a shot." Nick sighed, his voice muffled by Kevin's shirt as he hugged his older friend back. "But no promises."
"That's all I ask." Kevin slowly pulled away, wiping his eyes as he sighed deeply.
"Now, that letter?"
"It said I had a cancerous tumor above my left lung." The blonde mumbled after a moment of silence. "It said it was treatable but life threatening."
"Okay," AJ nodded. "Okay, so what? What do we do now?"
"First thing in the morning, we go to the doctors." Brian said, raising his head to look at his best friend. "Okay Frack?"
"Yeah."

"Alright." The eldest man agreed. "As for now, it's late. And it's been an...emotional day. Why don't we all just crash?"
"Did I say you all could sleep at my place tonight?" Nick asked, feigning shock and anger and jumping at the chance to lighten the mood again.
"No." The rebel shrugged, getting to his feet. "But tough shit. We're staying anyways. I call the master bedroom!"
"EXCUSE me?" Nick gaped, "That's MY room!"
"Not for long Nicky boy." AJ cackled, running to the base of the stairs. "Cuz I know you won't wanna sleep in the bed once I get naked in it."
Nick's eyes went wide and he sprang to his feet. "Oh HELL NO!" He yelled, chasing after AJ as the older man scrambled up the stairs. The three remaining men sat quietly at the dining room table, listening to Nick yell at his older friend. "AJ! Don't you DARE! Put your shirt back on! Don't take that off! But it's MINE!! Eeeew! You fucking....KEVIN!!" Nick was screaming from the bedroom.

"Well, I guess Nick's sleeping in one of the guest rooms tonight." Howie chuckled, rolling his eyes. "KEVIN! Make AJ get OUT!" Nick was whining as he stomped halfway down the stairs. "Brian! Howie! C'mon guys!! He's in my beeeeeed!!!" The blonde had his arms crossed, his lower lip sticking out in full pout as he gazed at his three friends. "Guuuuuuuys!"
"Alright, alright Fracky." Brian laughed, pushing himself to his feet as he followed Nick up the stairs.
It was quiet for a moment and then, "Oh that's DISGUSTING AJ!" Brian shouted. "Nick, dude, you're on your own!"
'WHAT?! Brian! Oh c'mon...he's doing that in MY bed!! KEVIN!!!"
"Some things will never change around here." Kevin sighed, "Let's go see what we can do."
"I'd never want them to." The Latino smiled, running up the stairs along with Kevin.
"Me neither D. Me neither."

“You can get dressed now, Mr. Carter.” Nurse Polak said as she turned around and walked towards the door, but before she walked out, she turned her head towards Nick who was struggling to get his shirt on. “We will have the X-rayresults in about 20 minutes. Dr. Peterson will then discuss the results with you.”
By that time, Nick finally had his shirt on, and he nodded politely. Those minutes were going to take forever. He sighed and raked a hand through his blonde hair. He knew he’d better get back to the waiting room where the other guys were probably biting their nails. But he didn’t want to be around them just now. On the way over to the hospital, he felt their sympathy, but their concerns too. Those made him feel guilty, even though he had told them he’d try not to.
They were just about to start touring again, and now he was the one screwing that up, even though he had no control of his illness at this point. Life just wasn’t fair, he thought. When a nurse opened the door to find him in there, she gently asked him to leave, she needed the room for another patient. She closed the door again, so Nick would have at least one more quiet moment for himself.

After making sure he didn’t leave his pants unzipped or anything, he opened the door and headed for the waiting room, where he found the others doing anything to distract themselves. Kevin was writing something, probably some lyrics. Howie was flipping through a science magazine and his other two friends were discussing politics, but everyone immediately stopped with what they were doing when they saw him enter the room.

“And?”
“Nothing yet, Frick. They’ll have the results in about 15 minutes.”
Everyone just nodded and Nick sat down next to Brian, staring at the wall. Brian knew that look, his friends just wanted to be left alone for a moment, so he continued his discussion with A.J. while glancing at his youngest friend every now and then, making sure he was alright.

Twenty minutes later, Dr. Peterson entered the room. Nick looked at him, but he couldn’t tell if things were bad or not, the doc had a undenominational look on his face. “Mr. Carter?”
Nick nodded, then got up and shook the hand Dr. Peterson was offering him.
“Will you please follow me to my office?”
“We can talk here, if you don’t mind, Dr...”
“Peterson. Are you sure you don’t want to..”
Nick interrupted him, feeling his nerves were getting the better of him. “In here’s fine..”
Dr. Peterson gestured for Nick to take a seat, and followed his example. He cleared his throat when he noticed the five men were looking at him, eager to find out what the test results were.
“Mr. Carter, I’m sorry to tell you this. The cancer has spread.”

Nick's eyes went wide as he heard the words drip from the doctor's lips, his body going rigid in his seat.
"Wha-what?" The youth breathed, his voice barely audible. "It couldn't have...it can't...I-I...how?"
"Your cancer has indeed spread Mr. Carter. I'm sorry." Dr Peterson pulled out a large x-ray, pointing to various areas. "As you can see, there's an extensive amount of spreading not only around your lungs but in them as well." Brian made a small sound as though someone had kicked him, causing all the air to rush from his being as he gasped for breath.
"Shit," AJ was muttering, clutching his sunglasses so tightly in his hand they had begun to crack. "Shit, shit, shit."
"How did it spread so quickly?" Howie asked softly, his brown eyes shining with unshed tears.
"I see in my records," Dr. Peterson sighed, "That Mr. Carter was given a diagnosis two months ago. Due to the fact that he failed to start any type of treatments, the cancer spread. Mr. Carter, you were informed that this could happen. Why did you chose a path of such negligence?"

"I don't know." Nick mumbled, his eyes falling to his hands in his lap. "I was scared."
"While your fears are understandable, you do realized that you have just lessened your chances to beat this disease." Nick's head shot up at the statement, his blue eyes wide.
"Does that mean I have no chance?"
"No but you do have a much bigger fight to wage." The doctor let out a long sigh as his pager went off, bringing it out of his pocket and gazing at it with a tired smile. "Duty calls. Mr. Carter, I'd like to further discuss your options and if possible, begin some of the treatments today. Would you be able to meet me later this afternoon, say, around 4pm?" Nick simply nodded, his eyes on the floor as he tried to stifle the suffocating feeling building up inside of him.
"Very well. My office is on this floor, room 415. I'll see you all later." Silence hovered over the five men as they watched the doctor leave, none of them daring to speak, too wrapped up in their own thoughts.

"Um," Kevin began after a moment as he cleared his throat. "Nicky-"
"I can't." Was all the blonde said before jumping to his feet and running out of the waiting room. He took the stairs down, taking two at a time, his heart pounding as he ran out of the hospital. Reaching into his pocket, he grabbed his keys, jogging over to his car and jumping in. His hands shook as he turned on the engine, his thoughts racing as he tried to stay in control. Run away. He had to run away. Stomping on the gas, he flew down the highway, his car becoming a black blur as he drove faster and faster, not paying attention to where he was heading. But he was there before he knew it, swerving into a parking space and scrambling out of the car. Throwing open the doors, his eyes darted around the room, finding the building completely deserted. He was only four steps in before he fell to his knees, his throat closing up on him as the tears began to fall. "Why?" He whispered, his voice echoing and bouncing off the walls of the church. "God, why?" His body shook as he cried, and he wrapped his arms around himself, rocking slowly back and forth as he tried to comprehend the gravity of his situation. "I'm not that strong." Nick sobbed, his vision blurred by tears as he gazed at the painted windows and the alter before him. "I'm not that strong. I don't know what to do." He continued to cry, his thoughts plauged with his friends futures, his family and the idea that he may never get a chance to see what was to become of them all.

“Erm guys? We should go find him.” A.J. struggled with words, while he looked at his eldest friend, who was staring at the ceiling. “Kev?” But he didn’t reply, nor did the others. A.J. then grabbed Brian by the sholders and shook him gently, which caused his friend to lift his head and stare at him with a distant look on his face. “Rok, we need to go find Nicky.” In response, Brian nodded slightly, but made no effort to get up.
“You’re right, Jay.. but he could be anywhere right now.” Howie said as he blinked the tears away. “I know, but we can’t just sit here and wait for him to show up, cause he probably won’t.” A.J. responded and again tried to get Kevin’s attention, but he didn’t succeed in doing so the first time he said his name. “KEV!”
That got a response from him, he looked at the younger friend who had yelled him to get his ass back on this earth and pay attention to whatever it was that he said. A.J. continued, “We need to go find him buddy.” Kevin cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the lump that was stuck in it. Finally, he managed to whisper some words as he avoided their stares. “I-I can’t drive.”
Howie got up, walked over to him and placed his hand Kevin’s shoulder. “Me and Jay will drive. You join me and Brian can join Alex. Alright?” Kevin nodded his head as he slowly got up out of his seat and walked towards the door. Finally Brian realised what had been said and got on his feet as well. The four men dragged themselves towards the parking lot, each one with their own thoughts and fears.

On the other side of town, Nick was now on some deserted playground that was in need of a few buckets of paint and a handyman to fix the broken climbing rack and the stairs of the slide. At first he had felt safe in the sacred building, but later that safety had turned into anger towards the man above. So he had to get out of the church and fled to the place that once was his second home, the place he always spent all of his time when school was over. he stared up at the sky, looking for answers that never came. He simply couldn’t understand why all of this was happening. Was He trying to tell them that the group should just give up and each of the man should go their seperate ways? Were Brian’s heart disease and Alexs’addictions not just a test, but a sign that they should let it go, quit the group? Was He trying to tell them that making music, performing, wasn’t their destiny? Nick shook his head, his fists clenched in anger. The five of them becoming who they were today, becoming close friends, or brothers as they called it. That WAS meant to be, wasn’t it?

“Of course it was.” Nick whispered fiercely, trying desperately to convince himself of the words he was speaking. He gazed out into the sky, a light breeze blowing across his face as he sighed. He felt torn in so many directions, he was amazed he hadn’t broken yet. “Or maybe I have.” He mumbled, running a hand across his face. In many ways, he was furious with himself, livid, that he had been so foolish. Most of his anger stemmed from the idea that he was now putting his brothers through more heartache and more pain; things that could have been avoided if he had just gotten over his fears. But his fears ran deep and the idea of facing them was what had made him hide in the first place. Kevin, Howie, Brian and AJ had always been his protection, his shelter. Whenever anything was going wrong in his life, they were the ones that could make everything better. But this, this wasn’t something they could fix, wasn’t something they could protect him from. And that thought made him feel even more alone than he ever had felt. A vibrating coming from the side pocket of his jeans caused him to release a huge sigh and he closed his eyes for a moment, grabbing the phone out of his pocket. “Hello?”

“Nick? Dude, where ARE you?” AJ was demanding as he navigated the car down the highway. Brian sat silently in the passenger side, his eyes locked on the window as he lost himself in his thoughts. “I’m,” Nick trailed off for a moment and glanced at his surroundings. “Do you know that old church off of Jasper street?”
“You’re at a church?” The rebel’s eyes widened slightly in surprise and Brian actually tore his gaze from the window, turning to look at his younger friend with a dubious expression. “Yeah. I’m at the playground behind the church. I’ll head back to the hospital though.”
“Well, we’re not there.” AJ sighed, taking an exit and making the first U-turn he could before jumping back on the freeway.
“You’re not?”
“No you dumbass. We’re out looking for you.”
“All of you?”
“Yesssss. Brian is with me and Kev & D are together.”
“Let me talk to him.” Brian was tugging at AJ’s sleeve and the younger man shook him off, sending him a glare. “AJ! I want to talk to him!”
“What? Jeeze, hang on.” AJ passed the phone to Brian with a roll of his eyes. “We should call Kevin and Howie, you know.”
“Later. Frack?”
“Hey Bri.” Nick sighed, raking a hand through his hair. “You and Jay on your way here?”
“Yeah. Nicky, listen to me. About what the doctor said,”
“Let’s just talk about it when you get here, okay Frick? I don’t wanna do this over the phone.” Nick’s voice was soft and defeated and Brian couldn’t do anything but agree, telling his younger friend they’d be there in a few minutes before disconnecting the phone.

He called his cousin a second later, relaying the new details and hanging up with the promise that Kevin and Howie would meet them there in about 15 minutes. Pulling up into the driveway of the church, AJ shut the car off and hopped out of the car, frowning when Brian didn’t follow suit. Suppressing a groan and trying to remind himself that they were all dealing with the news in their own ways, AJ walked over to the passenger side, yanking the door open.

“You coming Rok?” He asked softly, leaning on the door as he peered down at his older friend. Brian nodded slowly, then shook his head. “So that would be what….?”
“I need a minute AJ.” The Kentuckian replied, looking at the church.
“Want me to wait?”
“No. Go be with Nick.”
“Alright Brian. Don’t be too long.” AJ shrugged, walking away from the car and shoving his hands deep into his pocket. Glancing around, he found the blonde almost immediately, sitting a top an old jungle gym and looking like he didn’t have a friend in the world. Approaching the structure, he looked at it for a moment before climbing onto it.

“It’s weird, you know?” AJ jumped at Nick’s sudden question, cussing as he slipped slightly. He didn’t think Nick had seen him.
“What?” He breathed, regaining his footing and perching himself next to Nick.
“Knowing that you might die.” Nick’s eyes stayed on the light blue sky as he spoke, his voice surprisingly calm. “I mean, everyone knows that they’re gonna die eventually but this is different.” A small smile drifted across his features. “I always figured my future was going to be us. You know? The Backstreet Boys. Records, tours, fans…all that shit. And then eventually, I’d get married, have kids and tell them all sorts of stories about the good ‘ole days.” Nick let out a dry laugh and he shook his head. “It’s weird knowing that all that isn’t going to happen now.”

“You can’t look at it like that Nick.” The older man began, wishing Brian had come with him.
Heart to hearts with Nick were not his thing, especially when the subject matter was this serious. “You’ve got to stay positive. None of this depressed bullshit. I mean, it sucks but you can’t just give up. Then you’re just showing everyone you weren’t strong enough.”
“Maybe I’m not AJ.”
“Fuck that.” AJ snapped. “You are and you know it.” Nick shrugged and AJ slapped him lightly on the back. “Look, I can say all the shit I want about this. So can Kevin, Brian and Howie but it’s completely pointless if you’re just gonna keep running. So either you stay and fight with us or you walk away, wallowing in self pity and die.” It was AJ’s turn to shrug as he gestured out before him. “You choose man. We’re not gonna do it for you.”
“I think Kevin and Brian would see it differently.”
“They always do. But it’s not their life buddy. It’s yours.”
“You sound like you’re trying to scare me into running away.”
“No,” The rebel laughed. “I’m trying to get you to make your own choice. You know damn well how much we all care about you Carter and it would fuckin suck to loose you without a fight-”
“That’s so heartfelt Jay.” Nick muttered, rolling his eyes. He let out a small chuckle as AJ flipped him off with a slight smile before continuing.
“You want heartfelt then go to Kev and Rok.” A small yell caused both men to turn around to see Kevin, Howie and Brian all heading in their direction. “Look Nick, what I’m trying to say, is that the outcome of this depends on you.”
“You can’t change fate AJ.”
“Fuck yes you can. And we’re living proof.” Nick looked down as he saw Kevin approach the jungle gym, gesturing for him to get down. “So what’s it gonna be Nick?” The blonde was silent for a moment before he finally turned to AJ, his blue eyes narrowed but full of gratitude.

“I fight.”

“Don’t run off on us again, alright? I hate being driven around by Alex. He is more dangerous than a hurricane when it comes to driving.” Brian tried to lighten up the spirit, but he failed miserably. His younger friend nodded, then turned around and looked at him. The two of them were sitting on the porch swing, each with their own fears and pain locked up deep down inside of them.
“Frick..”
“Yeah?”
“What’s it like.. you know.. being a dad?”
Brian was surprised by the question, felt uncomfortable and unsure of how to answer. He knew Nick adored Baylee, and now that he knew how slim the chances were that Nick would ever have kids of his own, how could he be honest with him without shattering his world?
He cleared his throat. “Nick, maybe it’s not..” but his friend cut him off. “Tell me, Rok.”
“But..”
“Please.. tell me. I want to know.”
“It’s.. I’m not even sure I can describe it, Nick. It’s.. When Baylee came into this world, I was speechless... He was so beautiful, so perfect, so like his mother. I.. I guess you can say I felt..” his voice trailed off, silently cussing himself for the sentence he had began to speak.
“How Rok? How did you feel?”
Brian knew Nick would keep on asking him ‘til he gave in, so he had no other choice than to finish his sentence. “Complete..” he whispered, scared of Nick’s reaction. But his friend didn’t say anything, just continued to stare at the horizon, where the sun was getting itself ready to leave for the night.


“I wonder what’s going on out there..”
“Me too, Kev. It looks serious.”
“Come on you guys, stop spying on Frick and Frack.” A.J. said as he plomped down on the couch next to his brothers. “GUYS! Stop it..Geez..”
“You’re right, Jay.” Kevin sighed and rubbed his temples with closed eyes. “I’m beat.”
“Me too, Kev.”
A.J. and Kevin chuckled when they heard Howie repeat himself.

“We all are, D. I’ve never seen him like he was this afternoon..” Kevin’s voice trailed off, thinking back to earlier that day, when they had a meeting with Dr. Peterson. Without them saying a word, he knew the others were also thinking of the mental breakdown Nick had in the doctor’s office.
"Let's not go there." Howie sighed after a moment, shaking his head, trying to clear the image of Nick screaming and sobbing out of his mind. "God, I've never seen him so hysterical."
"Well, it's not exactly a normal situation D." AJ muttered, leaning back on the couch and crossing his arms behind his head with a muted sigh. Letting his eyes shut, he immediately found flashes of Nick before him; falling to the floor and letting out a scream that had sent chills rushing up his spine. He snapped his eyes back open, taking in a deep breath. "Jesus." He whispered.
"Never again." The eldest nodded, picturing the look he had seen in his youngest friend's eyes. The pain and fear that had held him captive and made him want nothing more that to scoop Nick into a hug and shelter him from everyone and everything.
"Let's hope it's never again." Mumbled Howie, rubbing a hand over his face with a small yawn. "Alright guys, I gotta crash. I'm beat." The Latino got to his feet, heading towards the stairs. "I'm with you on that." Kevin followed the younger man, a large yawn escaping from him. "Ditto." AJ agreed, rising to his feet.
"AJ, tell Frick and Frack we're hittin the sack, yeah?" AJ nodded, watching his older friends climb the stairs before walking over to the front door and poking his head out, immediately finding Nick and Brian sitting on the porch swing, talking.

"Hey fellas," Both men jumped at the quiet address and Nick almost fell off the seat, Brian having to grab him and hold him steady. "Smooth Kaos." AJ chuckled, rolling his eyes.
"Did you want something?" Nick huffed, a small smile tugging at his features. "Or are you just bugging us?"
"Both." The rebel shrugged. "Kev & D are going to bed. I'm headed there myself."
Brian frowned, squinting at his watch for a second. "Bed?" He echoed. "It's like, 10'o clock!"
"It's been a long day Brian." Nick said softly. "For everyone."
"What the kid said." AJ gestured to Nick before letting out a long sigh, "Besides, tomorrow is going to be an even longer day. I'll catch you two in the AM. Night."
"Night AJ."
"Night Bone."

Nick watched the door close to the front of his house before leaning back, his eyes taking in the stars above him. "Hey Frick?"
"Hmmm?" Brian smiled, manuvering Nick so the youth was half in his lap, a postion Nick hadn't taken since he was 15 or 16.
"About you being a dad, you know how you said it made you feel complete?" The older man let out a breath, nodding slowly as he brushed some of the hair out of Nick's eyes.
"Yeah. What about it?"
"Can you tell me how? You know? How you felt complete? In case," The blonde trailed off for a moment. "In case I never get to find out?"
"Nicky," Brian breathed, shaking his head slowly. "You've got to stop thinking that you're not going to beat this. I'm not going to tell you Frack because you'll get to experience it for yourself. And when you do, I want to be the first person you tell."
"You will be." Nick sighed. "I want to stay postive Bri. I do. I want to fight this and kick it in the ass. But it's just, I can't help thinking about all the things I might never get to really do."
"Like?"

"Get married?" Nick shrugged. "Have kids, see Jay, D & Kev have kids. Put out more albums, fix things with my family, win a damn grammy."
Brian couldn't help the laugh the slipped forward at the last comment, rolling his eyes slightly. "What? We should have won that last time! Seriously."
"Yeah, we should have Frack."
"But all that stuff Frick. All that and more. I want more! I'm 25 years old, I want more. I'm not done living my life yet but I also don't want to live it sick and weak cuz of all the treatments, you know?"

"Better than most people." Brian nodded. "I mean, the whole deal with my heart isn't cancer but I know how it is to only be able to half live your life. I thank God every chance that I get for letting me come this far." Brian sat up a little, looking down at his younger friend. "See Nicky, I know you'll make it out of this. If I can make it, so can you."
"You're a lot stronger than me Brian." Brian shook his head, "You keep saying you're not strong Nick but you are." The Kentuckian tapped gently on Nick's head. "You've got to get it in your mind that you can do this. I mean, there's got to be room to get the message in, there's not much in there in the first place." Nick half sat up, smacking Brian's hand away with a mock glare.

"Punk." He laughed, punching Brian lightly on the knee before settling back down as his friend simply chuckled.
"Seriously Nick, have some faith."
"Faith is kinda hard for me to find right now." Nick muttered, a frown appearing on his face.
"I know. But I've got enough for the both of us."
"I bet you do."
"Hey, don't knock my faith Carter." Brian drawled, messing gently with Nick's hair.
"I'm not." Nick yawned, his eyes drooping shut. "I just wish I had some for myself." He mumbled, his voice fading as sleep washed over him. "Do me a favor Frick?"
"Anything buddy."
"Pray for me?" The youth whispered, his breathing growing heavy as he slipped into an exhausted slumber. Brian looked down at his best friend and the request, a lump growing in his throat as he blinked harshly, trying to hold back his tears. Running his fingers through Nick's hair he let out a shaky breath, his blue eyes falling onto the stars above him.

"Heavenly Father," He began, his voice no more than a whisper. "I come to you in an hour of need. Watch over Nick. Help him be strong, help him to understand that we will be there every step of the way. And please, don't take him away from us yet. Just like you allowed me to stay, keep him with the ones who love him." Brian closed his eyes. "In your name I pray. Amen." A slight breeze blew around the pair and a smile appeared on Brian's face as he leaned into his best friend, "Thank you." He murmurred before falling into a much needed sleep.

It was a chilly autumn day when Kevin visited his father’s grave. It was raining every now and then and the wind was causing red, yellow and brown leaves to dance around in circles, being blown up into the air and softly swirling back down to the ground. He didn’t notice the rain was coming down again, he was just staring at the gravestone, feeling the ache in his heart. He now missed his father more than anything, now that his youngest friend was diagnosed with cancer. The illness had taken his father away from him after he fought it for so long.

Kevin closed his eyes briefly, trying to picture his father, wishing he could see the healthy, tan skinned man his father once was instead of the shell of a human he had been reduced too. The pale parlor of his skin that had clung losely to his frame, his eyes, which had lost their luster and sparkle, had gazed weakly into the world, nothing but defeat shining through them. Weight had dropped from his body the moment the chemotherapy had begun, leaving his father thin, feeble and bed-ridden, stealing away hope of moments Kevin desperately wished he could repeat.Times he had once shared with his dad, hiking through the mountains & running their camp together.

He took a deep breath and kneeled down next to the tombstone, then traced the engraved letters on the grey marble stone with his fingers, desperately in need of a fatherly hug or a conversation to keep him from falling apart. He knew he had to be strong for Nick, but for the others too. They’d be there for him if he let them, but he wanted them to be there for their youngest friend, because he was the one who needed everyone’s support the most at this moment. Kevin himself was known as the strong one, the one who could always keep the others from falling apart. This time, he wasn’t so sure he’d succeed in being the strongest, yet it felt as if he had no choice.

“Kevin?”
He looked around, surprised to hear someone say his name at a place like this, especially since he went there by himself. The others stayed with Nick, trying to pull him through another day. Brian had offered to join him, but he declined. He wanted some time alone with his dad and he didn’t feel the need to tell him his reasons. He told Brian he should stay with Nick and the others and his cousin agreed.
“Kevin, over here.”
Kevin turned around to where the sound came from, and almost fainted when he saw the one who had called out his name. “D-dad?” he somehow managed to choke out. He couldn’t believe his own eyes, before him stood his father, as strong as if he had never been ill, as if he never died. The man laughed at the shocked expression on his son’s face. “That’s me if I recall correctly.”
“I-I miss you, dad.” Kevin stuttered as he got to his feet.
His father walked up to him, putting his hands on Kevin’s shoulders, after which he met his son’s gaze. “I know, son.. I know. I’ve seen the things you’ve been through. At home, but with your friends too. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you.”
Kevin still found it hard to believe this was actually happening. He put his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and shrugged. If his dad saw what had happened with the guys, he was sure he also saw the many breakdowns he had over his death. “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I.. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me..”
“I am, son. I’m so proud of you You’re a strong man, Kevin. Way stronger than you even realize at this point.” His father took a deep breath before he continued. “Please tell your mother I love her, Kevin, but that it’s okay for her to move on. I know she still loves me, and that she always will, but she doesn’t need to feel guilty when the time arrives she feels heart’s opening up again. Will you do that for me, son?”

Kevin fought back the tears as he nodded. “Why won’t you tell her yourself?” he whispered.
His father closed his eyes for a second before he answered his son’s question. “I can’t.”
“W-why not? You’re telling me now, why..” His father interrupted his son as he let go of him. “Because I wasn’t brought down here to talk to you.. I was sent for another reason, but He told me I could talk to you for a second since you were by yourself.”
“W-what other reason?” Kevin stuttered as he suddenly felt so cold, as if it was freezing. Out of nowhere he felt someone gently patting his back, and as he turned around to see who was doing that, his jaw dropped. His eyes darted from his father to the other man, confused at the situation, in denial of what this might mean.

“That’s the reason He sent me, Kevin. I’ll guide him to the big upstairs.”
“But..no.. that..” Kevin tried so hard to speak his mind, but he couldn’t think straight, and all what came out of his mouth were random words, not making any sense.
“My time has come, Kev.” The young one calmly said, as he pulled his older friend into a hug. “It’s just my time, it’s okay.” Kevin, who was still holding his friend with all his strength, finally found the energy to speak again, even though his voice was quivering. “It’s okay? It’s NOT okay, Nick.. It’s not.. You.. WE aren’t done fighting this, you were supposed to win this fight, not give up..”
“I didn’t give up, Kev. I never gave up. It’s just my time to go.” Nick ruffled Kevin’s hair as he let go of him. “I just want to thank you for everything, Kev. Even though you were always on my case and I hated it back then, I now know you only did it to protect me, shelter me from the bad in this world.” Nick, who looked as healthy as he did before the illness really got to him, smiled. “Thank you for being there for me through the whole cancer-thing, I know it was extremely hard on you..”

“We should be going, Nick. They’re waiting for us.” Kevin’s father said as he pointed up at the sky. Nick nodded, then turned his attention back to his friend. “Don’t be sad, Kev. You know I’m in good hands. Just.. don’t forget me, alright?” Again, he pulled his friend into a big hug, holding him tight when he whispered in his ear. “I love you man.. Tell the others I love them too.. especially Rok. He needs it the most, okay? Don’t let him lose his faith. Tell them where I’m headed, that it’s alright. Remember me as the annoying kid, not as how I left this world. I love you.” With that, Nick let go of his friend and walked over to where his guide was standing. He heard Kevin whisper “I love you, kid..” and turned his head to look at him, with the biggest smile on his face. Then right before Kevin’s eyes, he disappeared, as if the two men had never been there in the first place.

Kevin almost passed out, as he finally realized what had happened right before his own eyes. His father. He had talked to his father. And then Nick. Kevin shook his head, choosing not to believe this nonsense. This had just been nothing more than his imagination, none of this was real. Then he noticed the vibration of his cell in his pocket. With shaking hands, he pulled it out, looked at the display and flipped it open, placing it to his right ear. “Brian?”
The person on the other end didn’t say a word, but Kevin could tell he was crying. “Brian?” he repeated. “What’s going on?”
He heard some noise, followed by A.J.’s voice who had probably grabbed the phone out of Brian’s hand. He was obviously crying as well. “He’s gone, Kev..Nick.. he’s gone..” When his brain had processed those words, Kevin dropped the phone and fell to his knees. It had been real, Nick was there to say goodbye. His little brother.. Kevin looked up at the sky, knowing that was where his little brother was headed to. His eyes filled up with tears, his heart was being ripped apart. As the tears began to roll down his cheeks, a deep loud cry escaped his lips...

Kevin’s eyes flew open, his body was covered in sweat. As he brought his hands to his face, he noticed they were shaking badly. Slowly he sat up, wiped the tears from his cheeks and raked his hands through his dark hair as he tried to catch his breath. The nightmare seemed so real, he had to go see if Nick was alright. He slowly got up and put on his shirt, careful not to wake Howie who was sleeping in the bed next to his, he shuffled towards to door to check on his little brother.
Covering his mouth as he yawned, Kevin slowly made his way down the hallway. Peeking into the the master bedroom, he rolled his eyes at the sight of AJ sound asleep before finding his way to the staircase and quietly walking down them. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, he turned left, heading for the guestroom Brian and Nick were sharing, silently pushing the door open. A frown appeared on his face when he found the room completely empty, his heart skipping a beat.

"Nicky?" He whispered into the dark, waiting a moment before hesitantly flipping on the light. Blinking at the sudden brightness, his frown deepend when he saw the untouched bed. Checking the bathroom quickly, he moved into the main room, his eyes darting to the empty sofa. "Where are you?" He mumbled, raking a hand through his hair and trying to shake the dream from his mind. His green eyes roamed around the room quickly, soon landing on the front door.

"What?" Kevin breathed, noticing the half opened door. He was across the room in two steps, yanking the door open and steping outside, a smile immediately appearing on his face when he found his youngest bandmate and his cousin asleep on the porch swing. Nick was stretched out on the wooden bench, his feet dangling over the side of the seat. His head was placed in Brian's lap, the older man's hand resting gently on his head. Brian had slumped to the side, his body half leaning on Nick's, as he slept, rising and falling every time Nick's own chest rose and fell with his deep breathing. Stepping back into the house, Kevin quickly ran up the stairs, rumaging through his bag before finding his camera and darting back down the stairs and out the door. He snapped a few pictures before setting down the camera with a small sigh, knowing he needed to move his two bandmates inside.

"Brian," He gently reached out and shook his cousin. "Brian, wake up." The younger man stirred slowly, his eyes opening halfway as he peered at his older cousin.
"Hmmm?"
"It's cold out here. You and Nicky need to move inside."
"Wha?"
"Inside." Kevin repeated softly. "Go sleep inside." Brian stared at Kevin for a moment, trying to get his mind to work before he nodded, tiredly gesturing to Nick.
"I don't wanna wake him." He mumbled, rubbing his eyes as he yawned.
"You're gonna have to. I don't think I can carry him anymore." Kevin shrugged with a small laugh. "I'll take care of him though." He gently reached over, pulling Nick up as Brian slipped out from under the youth, stumbling to his feet and into the house with a muttered, 'thanks kev' before disappearing.

"Nicky," The older man called softly, "Baby wake up." He slowly sat Nick up, smiling as the blonde stirred before groaning, opening his eyes ever so slightly.
"No."
"Nicky, it's too cold out here. You gotta sleep inside."
"Sleepy." Kevin smiled at the murmured response, brushing his hand through the younger man's hair, something he hadn't done in years. But his dream was lingering and Kevin needed proof, needed the comfort that Nick was still with him, still before him. The youth said nothing, falling lightly onto Kevin's shoulder as he slowly fell back into his slumber and the eldest rolled his eyes, biting his lip as he thought things over. With a sigh, he manuvered Nick into a different position, taking a deep breath before lifting Nick up into his arms with a small grunt. Standing up straight, he staggered a moment, adjusting himself to the weight before walking forward and into the house. He made it as far as the couch, his legs threatening to give out from under him and he placed the younger man down slowly, trying not to wake him. Standing up, he winced as his back protested, walking over and closing the front door and grabbing a few blankets from the hall closet. Gently spreading the blankets over Nick, he stood back, gazing at his youngest brother before letting out a sigh and climbing onto the couch next to Nick.

"I can't lose you Nicky." He whispered, brushing strands of Nick's hair out of the youth's face. "I can't." Pulling the sleeping blonde close, he sighed again, pushing the dream far out of his mind as he shut his eyes. "Everything is going to be fine." Kevin breathed, trying to convince himself of the words he was speaking. "It has to be."

“This can’t be normal, Kev.” Brian said as he handed Nick a cold wascloth, who gladly accepted it to wipe his face clean for the third time in forty minutes. The older man was rubbing Nick’s back as he looked at his cousin. “I don’t know, Rok. How are you feeling, buddy? Are you still nauseous?”
Nick closed his eyses for a second, rubbing his temples before he looked at Kevin with a sad smile on his face. “No, I’m fine.” Earlier he had decided to fight this thing, and if this was what it took, he’d do it. “But this was only the third time they gave you the chemo, Frack. I think you shouldn’t be this sick already.”
“I don’t know, Frick.” Nick slowly leaned back against the pillows, trying to not think of the nauseau that still plagued him, in which he succeeded, for now. “I’m hungry.”
“Hungry?” Brian echoed. “Now?”
“What did you expect? He’s always hungry.” Kevin chuckled as he got hit over the head by the youngest man in the room. “Thanks, Kev.” But as his thoughts went over to what he was craving for, a hamburger with a large portion of French fries, he felt the nauseau coming back at full force, leaning over the bucket just in time. The two cousins glanced at each other, knowing this wasn’t going the way it was supposed to.

~~~~

"So, how are we doing today Nickolas?" Dr. Peterson sighed as he closed the door behind him, walking over to his desk and taking a seat. Nick simply glared at the older man, rolling his eyes as he sunk further into the chair, his arms crossed defiantely against his chest. "Ah, bright, talkative and chipper as usual, I see."
"Funny." Nick muttered darkly, adjusting his hat with a small huff. The chemotherapy treatments had allowed him to experience one of the most common side effects; hair loss. Something he was extremely aggitated over and just one more reminder everytime he looked into a mirror of the shit hole his life had become. "So what is it this time?"
"Right to the point, aren't you?"

The younger man shrugged, his eyes drifting to the window and lingering on the distant ocean for a moment. God how he missed his boat. And swimming. He hadn't been in a pool or in the ocean for months. "Nick? You with me?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah."
"Okay, now, your recent x-rays have shown that while the chemo is working, it isn't exactly working at the rate I would have preferred it to." A groan slipped from Nick and his head fell back, hitting the top of the chair as he shut his eyes.
"You're kidding, right?"
"I'm afraid not." Dr. Peterson smiled softly.
"So after three months of this shit, nothing has changed?" Nick exclaimed, staring disbelievingly at the man before him.
"Not nothing," The doctor sighed, taking off his glasses and placing them on the desk. "Nick, your results show that the chemo IS shrinking the tumors but it's not working very quickly. The reason I wanted to speak to you this afternoon is because I feel it would be best to double the amount of chemotherapy you're currently receiving."

"WHAT?!" Nick had shot to his feet the moment the doctor had finished his sentence, his eyes wide. "You're fucking kidding me, right?"
"Sit down please." The blonde ignored the request, his chest heaving as he continued to stare. "I'm NOT going to sit! Y-you can't be serious!"
"Listen to me Nick, if you want to get rid of this disease you've got to double your treatments. If not," Dr. Peterson trailed off with a slight shrug. "There's no point in even continuing with everything. Might as well just give up now."
"But I thought you said the chemo was working."
"It is. Slowly. By the time it actually worked in a way that made a difference, your cancer could have spread."

"This is insane." Nick mumbled, sinking down into the chair with a shake of his head. "So you want me to come four times a week instead of two?"
"Not really,"
"But I thought you-"
"I want to admit you premanently, so to speak, into the hospital." Dr. Peterson rushed out, cutting off the young man. Nick's jaw dropped at the suggestion, his blue eyes going wide again. "Are you trying to kill me?" He finally sighed, running a hand over his face tiredly as he sunk further back into his seat.
"On the contrary Nick, I'm trying to save you." The doctor sat back in his own seat, a tired smile darting across his face. "Look, I know this is a lot to take and-"
"You fuckin got that right."
"And," Dr. Peterson continued, rolling his eyes slightly. "It seems like you're doing a lot of shit for nothing." Nick raised an eyebrow at the cuss word, a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Yes, I can swear too. Anyways Nick, let me explain my reasonings for submitting you into observation."
"Go ahead," Nick waved the man before him forward, after letting out a long breath.

"You know the side effects so far of the chemotherapy." Nick let out a snort at the statement. "Like I said, you know the side effect. Increasing the dosage will increase the side effects. Therefore, I feel it is in your best interest to remain here."
"For how long?"
"A couple of months, at the least."
"I-I really need to think about all this."
"Understandable. While I don't mind you considering moving into the hospital, I must stress the importance of the treatment. And I will need a decision by the time of your appointment tomorrow."
"Alright." Nick breathed, getting to his feet. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"
"Until then." Dr. Peterson nodded, waving slightly.

Nick slowly made his way out of the office, his mind spinning as he walked down the twisting hallways and into the waiting room. He spotted Howie immediately, sitting quietly in a corner chair, reading a Highlights magazine. Smirking at his older friend, Nick entered the room, plopping down in the seat next to the Latino and causing him to jump slightly.
"Hey D."
"Nicky!" Howie cried, his hand moving to his heart as the magazine fell into his lap. "Damn you scared me. How was your appointment with the doctor?"
"S'okay." Nick shrugged, picking up the magazine. "You missed the toaster." He pointed out, tapping at the tree trunk on the page and glancing at Howie who turned red and snatched the Highlights magazine out of his hand, throwing it onto the table beside him.
"I wasn't doing that."
"Uh huh."
"Brat." Howie muttered, reaching over and messing with Nick's hat. The younger man slapped his hands away, frowning deeply. "So what did the doctor have to say?"
"Where's Jay?" Nick interjected, looking around the room.
"Outside. He needed a smoke."
"I thought he was gonna quit? Kevin will KILL him if he finds out."
"He's trying Nicky but he's stressed you know. We all are." A sympathetic smile appeared on Howie's face as Nick looked at him, cocking his head to the side slowly.
"Am I burdening you guys?"
"That's not what I meant," The older man rushed out. "Not at all. Nick we would never, ever think-"
"Dr. Peterson wants to admit me into the hospital permanently D." Nick said softly, his eyes falling to the floor. "What? Why?" Howie's eyes went wide as he stared at Nick, his brown gaze full of worry. "Oh god Nicky, it's not getting worse...is it?"
"Well, it's not really getting better." Nick looked up as a few people entered the room. "I'll explain in the car. I wanna go home anyways."

"Sure bud." They were up and halfway down the hall when they ran into AJ, who greeted them both with a loud yell. "Ssshh!" Howie reprimanded as he slapped AJ on the back, tugging him along. "Would you please remember we ARE in a hospital?"
"Sorry, sorry." The rebel sighed. "So what did the doc have to say kid?"
"I'll tell you in the car." Nick repeated, stuffing his hands in his pocket as he closed his eyes briefly, feeling sick to his stomach.
"You okay Nicky?" AJ asked, rubbing his younger friend's back, his hyper attitude falling away as he noticed the change in the youth's demeanor.
"I need to sit down."
"We're almost at the car," Howie stated, looking worridly at Nick. "Are you okay or do you need to stop?"
"I'm good." Nick whispered, wavering slightly on his feet as he walked.
"Oookay." AJ sighed, his arms coming around Nick's back. "Take it easy, we're about there."

They reached the car a second later and Nick climbed slowy into the back, followed by Howie who handed his keys over to AJ. Nick immediately laid down, resting his head on Howie's knees as he took in a few deep breaths, remaining silent. AJ was glancing frequently into the rearview mirror, his troubled brown eyes meeting Howie's every few moments, both of them waiting for Nick to talk. It wasn't until they were more than halfway back to the house that Nick finally spoke up, his voice soft.

"So they want me to stay in the hospital."
"What? Why? For how long?" The rebel asked as he tore his eyes from the road to glance at the backseat. "A few months at the very least, according to the doctor. And because they want to increase the chemo treatments." AJ let out a loud groan, banging on the steering wheel lightly as Howie shut his own eyes, leaning back into the seat. "It's not working then?" The eldest said quietly, slowly opening his eyes. "It is but slowly." Nick sighed. "Dr. Peterson thinks that it would be best if I doubled the amount of chemo I was getting."
"Then that's what you need to do kid." AJ muttered, turning onto the dirt road that led to Nick's house. "Whatever it takes to beat this, yeah?"
"I'm tired AJ."
"You can sleep when we get inside. We're gonna be there in a few seconds."
"Not that kind of tired Jay." Howie snapped, rubbing his forhead and trying to ignore the knot building in his stomach. This was too familiar. His sister had said the same thing during her fight with Lupus. "Nicky, you can't give up now." Howie gently brushed a few hairs from the younger man's eyes, meeting his gaze with a small smile.

"I know." Nick shrugged, sitting up slowly as the car rolled to a halt. "It just sucks ass."
AJ chuckled at the choice of words, turning around to look at his younger friend.
"I bet it does."
"The doctor gave me a choice. You know? If I want to double the chemo or not and if I want to move to the hospital. He wants me to move to the hospital cuz he says I'm gonna get sicker from the chemo."
"And what are you going to tell him?" Howie asked slowly.
"I guess that I'm doing the chemo. As for the hospital...I really don't want to, but I think I should. I mean, I can't keep having you guys put your live on pause for me."
"Nick-"
"Seriously Jay! I mean, Brian has a family, Kevin is married...you guys have your own shit to do. I can't expect you all to just stay at my house until this ends. I mean, I know you guys aren't that far away but still, it might just be easier on everyone." Both Howie and AJ let out small sighs, looking at one another for a moment. A small smile crept onto Nick's face as he watched them. "You know I'm right."
"Yeah." AJ sighed, "I guess you are. But you still gotta break the news to Kev and Rok."
"I'm sure they'll be fine."
"I dunno Nicky," Howie laughed, watching as the two cousins emerged from the house, walking towards the car. Kevin had an apron on and Brian was carrying a dust cloth, both of them wearing confused looks on their faces. "I think they've gotten used to being here. Cooking and cleaning and everything."
"You really should let them keep it up." AJ grinned. "I like the full out service. But if you must, try and be gentle."
"Yeah well, all good things must come to an end I guess." Nick smiled, rolling his eyes, his gaze on the two men outside the car. He missed the look of sadness AJ shot Howie at the words, the older man shaking his head shortly. Now was not the time.



After Kevin had helped Nick to the couch, he lay down, closing his eyes for a second. The four men glanced at each other, worry displayed on their faces. As Kevin went into the kitchen to check on dinner, Howie followed him, not sure if he should tell him the news so Nick didn’t have to later on. “What’s it, D.? It’s not good news, is it?” Kevin washed his hands while looking at him. Howie decided he wasn’t the one to tell him. “He wants to tell you himself, Kev.” He shrugged, turned around and walked back into the living area, so he couldn’t blab anything out.
As he walked past Brian, he noticed how exhausted Nick’s best friend looked. He was sitting on the floor, his arms hugging his knees, staring at Nick who now was sound asleep by the looks of it. These last few months had been so hard on all of them. The insecurities, fears, but also the decline in Nick’s health, even though that was caused by the chemo, not the cancer. He worried a lot, fearing that Nick would give up fighting, deciding it had been enough. Even the thought of losing him, brought tears to his eyes. He was way too young to die, way too young to leave this earth.

About half an hour later, Nick slowly opened his eyes, only to see four pairs of eyes staring at him.
“Good morning gentlemen..” he smiled. “Were you enjoying the view?”
The four men smiled in return. “Actually no. We all kissed you, hoping you’d become a beautiful princess, but since that didn’t work, we were trying to figure out what to do next.”
“Thanks Rok for putting that image in my head.”
“No need to thank me, Frack, just filling up the empty space..” Brian chuckled as he catched the pillow Nick threw in his direction. None of them said a word after that smalltalk had enlightend the mood just a bit. Nick was scared of Kevin’s and Brian’s reaction to the news of him being admitted into the hospital and the feelings he had about putting their lives on hold. The two cousins were waiting for the young one to open up to them, and as for the other two, they really didn’t want to be there to witness the conversation that was about to take place.

The five men chatted idly for another hour or so, before Nick finally let out a long sigh, clearing his throat soflty as he shot Howie a look. The older man immediately caught on, rising to his feet as he gave AJ a small kick on his leg.
"Alright, there are dishes waiting to be done. AJ, wanna help me out?"
"Not especially." The rebel shrugged, his chocolate gaze on his cell phone.
"Jay, just help him do the dishes." Kevin sighed, running a hand over his face as he gave Howie a look of understanding. "I don't DO dishes." Howie rolled his eyes at the remark, marching over to where AJ was sitting and snatching his cell phone out of his grip. "HEY!"
"Help me wash the dishes or I swear, I'll dump your phone in the toilet."
"You're bluffing."
"Bluffing my ass." The Latino muttered, stomping out of the room. AJ was silent for a moment, a smirk on his face as he watched Howie leave the room. "He's bluffing." He shrugged, glancing at Kevin, Brian and Nick. "Right?"
"I dunno Jay." Nick chuckled a small smile across his face, laugh burst from him as they all heard the toilet flush and AJ jumped to his feet, his eyes wide. "He didn't..." Was all he said before running from the room.

Brian was frowning at the scene, his hands absently messing gently with Nick's hat. The blonde's head was in his lap, the rest of his body stretched lazily along the couch, his legs draped over Kevin's. It was a position the youth had assumed many times before, whenever something was going wrong in his life. Tucking himself inbetween the two people that meant the most to him, the two people that made him feel safe.
"I wonder what that was all about." Nick broke out of his thoughts at Brian's remark, looking up at the older man as he cocked his head to the side. "What?"
"Howie," The kentuckian drawled. "I wonder why he was so adament about getting AJ out of the room."
"I think Nicky needs to tell us something." Kevin hinted, slapping Nick's legs softly. "Am I right?"
"Aren't you always?" Nick sighed, slightly rolling his eyes.
"Okay but how come AJ and Howie can't know?"
"They already know." Kevin answered, glancing at his cousin briefly.

"I'm lost." Brian finally sighed, shaking his head slowly as he shut his eyes. He was quiet for a moment before his eyes shot open, his body stiffening. "Wait a second, does this have something to do with why you were so quiet when you came home from the doctor's today?"
"Yeah." The youth nodded. "I met with Dr. Peterson today and he...he had some stuff to tell me."
"God Nicky, don't tell me the cancer has spread." Brian breathed, covering his mouth in horror.
"It hasn't." Nick said quickly. "But it hasn't really reduced either."
"I-I don't understand..."
"The chemotherapy isn't working Brian." The eldest explained bitterly, "At least, it's not working enough to make a damn difference."
"Does everyone know about this except for me?" Hurt was seeping into Brian's words as he looked at his best friend and then his cousin. Nick shook his head, "I didn't tell Kev."
"My dad went through the same kind of thing." He raked a hand through his hair, tugging on it slowly. "I'm guessing they want you to increase the chemo?"
"To three or four times a week." The youngest frowned. "Dr. Peterson said it was up to me to decide."
"You told him you would though, right?"
"I told him I'd think about it Frick."

Brian sat up so suddenly that Nick almost went flying to the floor, Kevin grabbing his middle to keep him from tumbling over. "What the hell Bri?"
"You have to tell him you'll do it!"
"Brian I-"
"Nicky, you HAVE to!" Brian's voice was so high he was almost shrieking and Nick actually scooted back a little from the older man when his own eyes met the eyes of his best friend's. The terror that tugged at Nick through Brian's azure gaze was something he had only seen once; when Brian was about to go into heart surgery and it had scared him just as much then. Brian's heart was racing as he stared at Nick, all his emotions racing through him. Flashes of what life would be like without Nick surrounded him and he took in a ragged breath, feeling as though he was suffocating. "You can't not be here Nicky! You can't!"
"Brian! Brian calm down!" Kevin was up and next to his younger cousin in and instant, his hands on Brian's shoulders as he shook him gently. "Just breathe Bri. Calm it down!"
"He's not calming down Kevin..."
"I can see that." Kevin snapped, shaking Brian again. Nick watched the two for a moment before pushing Kevin out of the way, situating himself before his older friend. "Frick," He whispered, pulling Brian into a hug. "I'm here. I'm right here. I told him I'd do the extra treatments. I'm not going anywhere." Nick hugged him tight, trying desperately to shove his own fears away as he comforted Brian. The situation seemed odd to him, the youth so used to having Brian comfort him, not the other way around. A few moments later Nick felt Brian's arms wrap around him, "I'm sorry," Brian breathed into Nick's ear. "I'm sorry. I ju-just...I can't see my life without my Frack."
A smile tugged at Nick's features as he pulled away, "And I think heaven would be pretty boring without my Frick." The younger man chuckled. "So I plan on waiting for you before I get there."

Kevin watched the exchage between the two younger man with a detached smile, his eyes watering as he got to his feet, falling into a chair across from them. This was all getting to be so much for them. As if reading the older man's thoughts, Nick nodded at Kevin slowly. "There's something else too."
"What?"
"Dr. Peterson thinks it would be best if I was admitted to the hospital for a few months, at the very least."
"And why's that?" Kevin questioned, quirking an eyebrow at the suggestion.
"He," Nick sighed. "Feels that with the extra chemo, I'm going to get sicker. So he thinks it would be easier for me to just stay at the hospital."
"Did he ask you or tell you?" Brian pulled Nick closer to him, allowing the younger man to rest his head in his lap again.
"He asked me to consider it." The blonde revealed.
"And have you?"
"I dunno Kev." Nick shrugged his shoulder lightly, moving around a little before tugging a blanket over his thinning frame. "I don't like hospitals and I don't really want to go."
"But?" Brian smiled, tapping gently on the side of Nick's head. "I know there's a but."
"But, I don't think it's fair to you guys for me to not go." The smile fell away from Brian's face, a large frown replacing it. "Baby listen," Kevin started slowly but Nick shook his head.
"No, no. Let me talk." He let loose a long breath. "Look, I know that you guys say I'm not burdening you and everything. And I know we're all in this until the end. Yeah?" Brian was nodding along with Kevin at the statement and Nick simply smiled, "Right. But see, I also know that you have a wife." He gestured to Kevin. "And you Frick, have a wife and a son. And AJ has other things to do and so does Howie. And having you guys live here or be here constantly just isn't fair. Not to you guys or Kris or Leigh or Baylee."

"Baby, they understand you need us." Kevin said slowly, leaning forward in his seat.
"I'm sure they do. But that doesn't mean it's fair."
"Nick, I don't know if I would be comfortable with you by yourself in a hospital." Brian finally put in, looking down at his friend. "I mean, I agree with what you're saying but the idea of you just alone in the hospital..." He trailed off and shook his head. "I mean, Kev? What do you think?"
"I agree on both points." Kevin sighed. "Look, we don't need to decide this now."
"Not now no. But soon."
"I got it!" Brian snapped his finger suddenly, his eyes lighting up. "Nicky, you don't want to really go into the hospital but you also don't think it's fair for us to stay here with you right?"
"Basically, yeah."
"So move into my house." Nick's eyes went wide as he sat up, shaking his head. "I couldn't."
"Nick-"
"Brian, I couldn't do that. I mean, I'd be getting sick all the time...and you have Leigh and Baylee. It wouldn't be fair to either of them."
"Then you can move into my house." Kevin supplied, catching onto Brian's idea. "Nicky, I think the general consensus is that we don't want you in a hospital. So pick a house. One of us is going to be there to take care of you whether you like it or not." Nick simply gaped at Kevin, his eyes darting back and forth from one cousin to the other.

"Now how come we didn't think of that?" AJ was muttering to Howie as he walked back into the living room, wiping his hands on his jeans, his cell phone clipped to his pocket. "I dunno." Howie smiled, taking a seat next to Kevin as AJ plopped back onto the couch. "Sorry, we heard the tail end of the conversation coming back."
"So who's house is it gonna be Frack?"
"I-I don't know..."
"Why don't you stay with me Nicky-boy?" AJ offered. "I mean, if you don't want to bug Brian and his family and Kevin and Kristin, stay with me. I don't have anyone in the house but myself. And since D is busy with his condo shit, and I have no life, we could hang out and what not." Nick glanced at Howie who shrugged and then nodded. "Although I resent the way Jay put it, it's true." The Latino agreed. "And since I only live a few miles from AJ's, it's not like I couldn't visit all the time."
"That goes for all of us."
"So it's settled then Nick?" The youth sighed and then nodded. "I guess so."
"Okay then! You're moving into AJ's." Brian grinned, shaking Nick's shoulders gently as the younger man groaned playfully. "God help me."

One afternoon, shortly after Nick had moved into A.J.’s house, he was staring at his reflection in the mirror and he didn’t like what he was seeing. The weight loss was a nice side effect at first, but now he could count his ribs. The bags under his eyes never disappeared, not even after over 10 hours of sleep. As he let out a big sigh, he turned around and walked over to the living room, where he found his friend on the couch, talking to someone on the phone. “Hmm.. no, he’s not -..” he stopped as he noticed Nick walking in. “No, he’s just a bit crazy in the head, Rok... Yeah, I told him he shouldn’t buy the place... True, but I’ve gotta go, Bri. Later!!” He closed his phone and looked at Nick. “So, how are you feeling, Nicky boy?”
“You didn’t have to change the subject, Jay.” Nick rolled his eyes at his friend. He may not always be the smartest one, but he knew that the guys called at least twice a day to check on him, even when they had been over earlier that day. “I figured you were talking about me, just don’t try to cover it up, alright. And I still feel like shit.”
“You look like shit too.” He shrugged, deciding not to admit the fact Brian called to talk about Nick’s condition. They all worried about their youngest friend. The chemo made it hard for him to keep any food down, so he continued to lose weight, making him look more like a shadow than the strong young man he once was. He snapped out of his thoughts when Nick poked him in the side.

“Jay! Please tell me you were not daydreaming about us making out again, cause that is NEVER gonna happen.” He grinned. “Ewww.. Great, now I have that image stuck in my head again. Thanks Kaos.. really, I did NOT need that..” he hit Nick over head, accidentally causing his cap to fall on the floor. “Sorry..” he whispered. Nick was very sensitive about the whole hairloss thing, feeling that made it really, really clear what was going on. Sometimes he managed to forget about the sickness, but then he looked in a mirror, and the cap made him realise the mess he was in. A.J. watched Nick’s eyes lose their sparkle as he stared at the one thing that sometimes made him forget reality, but at other times made it again perfectly clear. “It’s okay, Alex. It’s okay.” He whispered as he sadly smiled.
“No, it’s not. Sorry, I didn’t mean to..” He put an arm around his friend, trying to think of a way to lighten up the spirit.

“It’s okay, really. Can you do me a favor?” Nick asked as he cocked his head.
“Ehm.. sure bud.. Shoot!”
“Can you help me to..” his voice trailed off, thinking about the decision he made earlier.
“Nick?” A.J. asked as he gently shook him. “With what do you need my help?”
The youngest closed his eyes for a second, trying to find the courage to actually say it, but he couldn’t. The thought alone made him sick to his stomach, so he tried showing him with his hands, as he faked the movements in the air.
“I don’t understand, buddy.” A.J. replied. “Tell me..”
Great, Nick thought. Usually he was like an open book to his friend and now he needed him to read his mind, he couldn’t, or maybe didn’t want to. “Would you.. please.. help me to..Geez, Nick get a grip.” He grunted. A.J. didn’t know how to respond, for he didn’t know the things that were going through the other one’s mind. He could tell that now was not the time for joking around, so he just sat there, waiting for Nick to open up to him.
“Will you please shave off the hair I have left?” he managed to whisper as one tear made its way down his left cheek. The image broke A.J.’s heart, feeling Nicks pain, he pulled him into a hug. It took him a while to respond, as the lump in his throat made it impossible for him to speak. “I will..” he whispered, as he rubbed the young one’s back, who was now crying softly.

The last few weeks, he never complained about the chemo, the side effects, the nausea that always plagued him, the lack of sleep caused by throwing up all night, the way he saw his health fade away. He never cried in front of his friends, not wanting to make the situation even more difficult to handle. But now, he could no longer hold it in. He felt defeated, even though the fight wasn’t over yet. Still, he felt like he had lost.

“Do you want me to do it now?” the eldest said, as he let go of Nick and looked him straight in his weary eyes as he nodded and got up slowly. A.J. followed his example, putting an arm around Nick’s back as he supported him while walking to the bathroom. “You know, we don’t have to do it in here, with the mirror and all.” A.J. said as they walked in.
“We do. I need to see it.” Nick pleaded with his eyes, in which tears were welling up for the second time that afternoon. “Please Jay..” The other man simply nodded as he walked out of the room, only to come back a few seconds later with a comfortable chair for Nick to sit in.

A few minutes later, A.J. had everything he needed to complete the most difficult task in quite some time. As he stood behind him, he placed his hands on Nick’s shoulders. “Are you sure you want to do this here?”, he asked as he looked at him in the mirror. The younger one simply nodded, not able to say a word. A.J. flipped on the water and as it was filling the sink, he checked to see if the temperature was right. When it was, he took a washcloth and dipped it in the water. He took a deep breath as he looked at Nick. “Ready?”
“No, but just do it..” the young one replied, closing his eyes for a second when his friend gently rubbed his head with the wet washcloth.

The deed took AJ only about 10 minutes to accomplish, Nick already having lost most of his hair. Nick's eyes were shut the entire time, his hands balled into fists as he fought to control his emotions. It was only hair. He had been bald before, what was the big deal? But last time it had been by choice. His thoughts were whispering to him. This wasn't.

"Nicky? I'm done." AJ's raspy voice pulled him from his thoughts and he hesitantly peeked his eyes open, slowly looking into the mirror. Rising to his feet, he moved forward, leaning on the sink as he examined himself. "You okay buddy?" A small smile graced Nick's features and he choked down the lump in his throat, nodding slowly.
"Not bleeding or anything. I'm impressed." He cracked, facing his older friend. "That's more than I expected from you Jay." AJ rolled his eyes, giving Nick a playful wack on his shoulder. "Very funny." The ringing of the doorbell caused the smile to slip from AJ's face and he let out a long sigh. "I'll be right back." Nick simply nodded, watching the older man leave the bathroom before turning his eyes back to the mirror.

"God I look like shit." He mumbled, shaking his head. He took in the bags under his eyes, looking strikingly dark against his pale skin. The gaunt, unhealthy look he had aquirred, his body much too thin for someone of his height. The dullness of his eyes, the child-like spark no longer present, having ebbed away long ago. Anger boiled up inside of him as he continued to stare, his eyes narrowed. He hated this. Hated everything he had become. Hated what it was doing to him. Hated what it was doing to his brothers. A low growl escaped from between his lips as his fingers curled around the closet thing object to him, one of AJ's hairbrushes. "I hate this." He breathed. "I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS!!" His voice rose to a loud scream, breaking as it turned into an a high pitched cry. Without even realizing what he was doing, he brought the brush forth, slamming it into the mirror with all his might, not even flinching as the object shattered into a hundred pieces, glass spraying all over him.

"What the FUCK was that?!" AJ was running back into the bathroom at the sound, Kevin, Howie and Brian all behind him and all stopping short at the doorway, their eyes wide. "Holy..." Shaking himself out of his stupor, he stepped into the bathroom, the glass crunching under his feet. "Kaos...what did you do?" He slowly placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder, his eyes going even wider as Nick whirled around, shoving him off.

"My god," Brian was whispering, unable to move.
"Don't touch me."
"What? Nick, you've got cuts all over you." AJ sighed as he moved forward again, only to be met with another shove back. "What is WRONG with you?" Kevin made to finally move forward to help AJ out, being held back by Howie, a frown appearing on his face.
"Let go D."
"Let AJ handle it."
"What?"
"Just let him handle it Kev." Howie sighed, nodding slowly.

"I said don't touch me!" Nick shrieked, his blue eyes narrowed. "Just leave me alone." A frown washed over AJ's features and he slowly shook his head.
"I'm not going anywhere Nick." The rebel reached forward and grabbed Nick's arm, giving him a small tug. "This is ridiculous." Pullling Nick towards him, he moved towards the bathroom door, pushing his way through his other 3 friends, who slowly followed him.
"Let me GO!" The blonde was fighting him, struggling against the hold. "AJ! Let me go! Fuck you-"
"Shut up Nick." AJ snapped, wrenching Nick out of the hallway and into the main room, tossing him down onto the couch.
"What is going on?" Kevin asked softly, as he, Howie, AJ and Brian all stood before the younger man. "I don't want to talk about it." Nick muttered, getting to his feet quickly. "I just want to be alone." Biting his lip in an effort to keep his temper in AJ shook his head, placing a hand on Nick's chest. "AJ I'm warning you-"

"What? What are you gonna do?" The older man was glaring, his brown eyes meeting Nick's narrowed blues. "Knock it off and talk to us Nick."
"AJ-" Brian started, shaking his head. "Don't. If he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't have to."
"Like hell he doesn't." AJ was fuming, his eyes darting to Brian before back to Nick. "He needs to tell us what the fuck is going on."

"I don't WANT to talk!" Nick cried. "All we ever do is talk! Talking isn't going to help anything! Talking isn't going to make this better!"
"Nicky," Kevin sighed, moving forward. "Baby-"
"NO!" The younger man shouted. "I hate this! I hate my life! I hate all of you for making me go through this! It's all your fault! ALL OF YOU! I HATE YOU ALL!" All four men had gone completely silent at the statement, none of them expecting what Nick had said.
"What are you talking about?" Brian breathed, hurt washing over him. "We never...how is this..."

"YOU, KEVIN, HOWIE AND BRIAN ARE THE REASON I'M LIKE THIS! YOU'RE THE REASON I'M SO SICK! BECAUSE YOU WANTED ME TO FIGHT! BUT I'M NOT THAT STRONG!" Nick was screaming, "I'M NOT THAT STRONG! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT TO! I'M GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS BECAUSE OF YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"
"You don't mean that," Brian was shaking his head, his blue eyes wide as he looked at his best friend. "Nicky, we never...we just want you to be okay."
"DO I LOOK OKAY?!" Nick roared, throwing his arms out. "LOOK at me! Does THIS look okay to you?"
"Nick calm down, okay? Stop yelling." The eldest man was soothing, trying to get the youth to sit down. "Look, we can all talk about this but just-"

"Shut UP! Kevin!" Nick's temper was through the roof, his chest heaving as he glared at his eldest friend. "I am NOT your father! Stop trying to save him through me!" Kevin recoiled at the words as though he had been physically hit, his emerald gaze going wide.
"Nick!" Howie hissed, "That was completely uncalled for! You-"
"I'm NOT your sister either Howie!" Nick rounded on the Latino, "Just because you couldn't save her doesn't mean you have to bust your ass ten times harder to save me!"
"Alright, that's ENOUGH!" Brian was demanding, his features drawn into a large frown. "Nick, knock it the hell off! Where do you get off saying any of that?"
"What the fuck is your problem?" AJ demanded, nodding slowly.
"What is my problem?!" A manical laughter slipped from Nick and he smiled, "Helllloooo? I'm dying, remember?"

"This is bullshit." The rebel muttered, giving Nick a small shove towards the patio doors. "Out. Get out. We need to talk."
"I told you I-"
"I don't give a FUCK what you said Carter. Get. Out." AJ shoved Nick again, opening the doors and stepping out before shutting them behind him.
"Now explain all of that."
"I don't-"
"You're trying to shove us away Nick. And it isn't going to work. Now either you explain what the fuck you were thinking saying all that bullshit in there or so help me god, cancer or no cancer, I will kick your ass."
Nick just stood there, not saying another word, way to upset to even think of things he could say to A.J. who looked at him as if he seriously was about to hit him. “Well? What the HELL were you thinking Nick?”

~~~~

The other three men stared at each other in shock. They couldn’t believe he had actually spoken those words, those accusations. Were they trying too hard?
The eldest let out a huge sigh. “I-I can’t take this anymore. I’m outta here.”
“Kev, don’t.. he.. he didn’t mean those things.”
“Brian, say that again as if you believe that yourself.” The eldest looked at him, his eyes filled with hurt, knowing his cousin couldn’t convince him or himself for that matter. To Kevin, it felt like Nick had cut him open, then ripped his heart out and crushed it beneath his feet before putting it back in his chest, leaving the wound unstitched. “I’ll be home if you need me.” He got his carkeys out of his left pocket and walked over to the frontdoor, turning around one last time to witness the argument between the two youngest through the glass backdoors before he walked out of A.J.’s house.

“Well? I think we deserve an explanation, Nick.” A.J. stared at the youngest, his arms crossed in front of his chest. “Listen, I can wait, I have all night. We are NOT going back in there before you explain why you threw that ridiculous fit. The fact that you are sick, doesn’t give you the right to walk all over their feelings.”
By now, the cold and nausea gave Nick the feeling as if the whole world was spinning, so he slowly sat down with his back resting against one of the glass doors that gave excess to either the living room or the backyard, feeling defeated for he knew A.J. wouldn’t let him go inside before he told him what was going through his mind. “I’m tired, Jay.” He whispered while rubbing his temples.
“Right now, I couldn’t care less, Nick. We are NOT going back in there before-”
“Not that kinda tired,” the youngest interrupted. “I can’t fight anymore. My body, my spirit won’t let me. All I want is some rest.. from all of this freaking bullshit.”
A.J. sat down next to his friend, thankful that he was finally talking to him, even though he wasn’t sure of what to say. “Nick, we’re here for you. We want to help-”
“Don’t you see, Jay.. you can’t help me.. Nobody can.”

"Now what do we do?" Brian sighed, sinking down onto the couch, his hands raking through his hair. He looked up when he recieved no response, seeing Howie looking completely defeated as he stared out the window, a blank look written all over his features. "Howie, he didn't mean it."
"You really think so?" The older man said softly, turning to face Brian. "Cuz you said the same thing to Kev and that didn't go over very well."
"I," Brian began slowly, "I do. He's frustrated Howie, and scared."
"I know but that's no excuse!"
"No, it isn't." Brian nodded. "But, it is a reason." The Latino rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a long sigh.
"I suppose. But he still didn't have a right to say what he did. I mean, I'm NOT trying to make up for losing Caroline. I would never, ever...I mean, I..." Howie trailed off with a shake of his head. "I just don't want to lose anyone else I love."
"We all feel the same way D." Howie ignored the comment, crossing the room and picking up his coat.

"Where are you going?"
"I need to think. I'm gonna head home Bri. You gonna stay here?"
"No," Brian said after a moment of thinking. "I think I should go after Kevin." Howie frowned at the suggestion, pulling on his jacket slowly. "You think that's a good idea?"
"Probably not." A weak smile passed over Brian's features as he shrugged, getting to his feet. "But I think it will be in the long run. Besides, there's no point in waiting around here. I think Jay's got things under control with Frack."
"Shouldn't we tell him we're going at least?" Brian shook his head.
"I don't want to interrupt them. It'll be fine."
"I guess." Howie sighed, heading towards the door. "Since when did AJ take over the job of lecturing Nicky anyways?" Brian smiled softly, his eyes meeting Howie's sadly, "Since he realized if he doesn't do it now, he may never get the chance to."

~~~~~

Kevin wasn't paying attention to where he was going as he drove, his mind occupied with everything Nick had said. A loud honk made him jump and he swerved the car back into the correct lane, completely unaware that he had been drifting between the two.
"Shit." He hissed, his heart racing as he took the first exit he could, finding himself along the coast line. Pulling off to the side, he shut the car off, slumping against the steering wheel with a large sigh. Deep down, he knew Nick hadn't meant any of the things he had said but that didn't stop the hurt he was feeling. Sitting back, he sat there for a moment before grabbing a hat from the back seat, throwing it on and opening the car door, stepping from the vehicle and slamming the door shut. A cool sea breeze immediately embraced him and he took in a deep breath, spying a small path leading to the beach and taking it quickly. He found the beach deserted and sank down innto the sand, bringing his knees up to his chest and taking in a deep breath.

"Hey Dad." Kevin whispered, glancing at the sky. "I hope things are going well for you." The breeze around him increased ever so slightly and a small smile graced Kevin's features. "That's good. Things aren't going so well for us down here. You remember how I told you Nicky has cancer? Well, things are getting more and more difficult." He stopped for a moment, listening to the ocean water hitting the shore, the seagulls and the wind across the water. "I don't know Dad. I keep trying to help him but he keeps pushing us away. And then today....he just, het got so angry. He blamed us for his suffering because we want him to continue on the chemo treatments. He said I was trying to save him because I couldn't save you." A small laugh slipped out of Kevin and he shrugged, pushing the sand back and forth with his foot. "Maybe it's true. It's just the thought of losing Nicky...god," A sob escaped from Kevin and he shook his head. "I already lost you! I can't lose him too. I can't....I'm not that strong." He began to cry as he spoke, his form shaking. "I-I almost lost Brian, we came close to losing AJ...and now Nicky? Oh god, Daddy...I-I can't go through this again...I miss you so much! I need you...I can't do this alone. I'm not this strong." He cried, rocking back and forth as he wept. "Oh god, I'm not this strong...."

~~~~~~~

"Nicky," AJ sighed as he scooted closer to his younger friend. "I know you're t-"
"No," Nick snapped softly, shaking his head. "You don't know. None of you do. You don't know how it feels."
"How what feels buddy?" The rebel coaxed, trying desperately to get Nick to open up. Nick shot AJ a look, rolling his eyes as he threw out his arms, "This!" He gestured to himself, "This shitty, broken, sorry excuse for a human being I've become. You don't know how it feels! I-I'm literally, so sick of being sick...I-I can't do ANYTHING! I can't swim, I can't go out on my boat, I can't eat the foods I want to, I can't even fucking play video games beacause the motions make me sick to my stomach!"
"But if you continue with everything, there's gonna be a time when you can do all that again."

"When?!" Nick demanded, shutting his eyes roughly before blinking them open, trying to keep his tears back. God was he sick of crying. "When? In like a year or two? I've been doing all this for 6 months now. Half a fucking year! And barely anything is changing! I mean, for every goddamn tumor that goes away, another one fucking appears. I can't DO this anymore!"
"You've got to try Nick. For-"
"For what AJ? For you? For Brian, Kevin and Howie? For the fans? For my family, who doesn't even really give a shit? For myself?"
"Nick-"
"Because I don't think those are good enough reasons."

"Excuse me?" AJ began, his brown eyes going wide. "Wait a minute, you mean to tell me we're not a good enough reason for you to keep fighting? I mean, damn Nick, do we mean that little to you?" Nick fell silent at the question, his eyes dropping to the floor. "Oh okay, I see how it is. Well then fuck you too Carter. Maybe it would be better for you to just crawl back into your pity hole and die. I think we'd all be better off anyways." The youth's eyes snapped to AJ, his mouth dropping open.
"You don't mean that." He whispered, cocking his head to the side as he stared at his older friend. Aj shrugged, getting to his feet and stuffing his hands into his pocket. "You tell me." Nick let out a long sigh, his eyes sweeping over the older man.

"I'm an asshole."
"Yeah." The rebel nodded. "You are. And you've got a lot of ass kissing to do with Kevin, Howie and Brian you know. Everything you said was completely uncalled for. I mean, do you really blame us for everything Nicky?"
"Yes and no." Nick said quietly. "Kinda. It's just...there have been so many times when I just want to throw in the towel, you know? And then I look at Frick or Kev or D or you and I see how much this is hurting you all and I can't stand the idea of making you hurt more. But god, I'm so tired of all this AJ. It'd be so much easier to just give up. So much easier."
"I thought you said we weren't good enough reasons." A small smile was pulling at AJ's features as he gently kicked Nick's legs, "Hmmm?"
"You know I didn't mean it."
"You need to stop saying the shit you don't mean Carter. It's gonna keep getting you in trouble."
"I'm always in trouble."
"My point exactly." AJ smiled, extending a hand to Nick. "C'mon, you need to do some apologizing."
"I'm sorry AJ." Aj rolled his eyes, shaking his head.
"Not to me dumbass. I know to just ignore you when you throw your little hissy fits." Nick frowned, and took AJ's hand, slowly getting to his feet, and brushing off his pants. The older man simply chuckled, making his way towards the door.

"I do not throw h-" He stopped short in the middle of his retort when a sharp pain sliced through his chest, a muted gasp tumbling away from his lips as his eyes went wide. "Jay..." He choked out, his voice barely above a whisper. "Oh god..."
"Nick would you hurry the hell up?" AJ was demanding, his back to his friend as he slid open the door. "Where the hell did everyone go?" He let out an impatient sigh as he turned back around, "Maybe into the ktichen or something....Nicky?" He frowned as he spotted the younger man, "What's the matter?"
"I-I...it hurts...I..." Nick was gasping, his head spinning. He felt as though he was suffocating, the pain in chest like nothing he had ever experienced before. It tore through him repeatedly, his body shaking. The youth felt his legs give out from under him, not even noticing the startled cry that fell away from AJ as he ran and caught the younger man, trying to hold them both steady.

"Nicky? Oh god...what's wrong? Shit!" The older man's eyes were as wide as they could go as he looked at his youngest friend, watching as he gasped for breath, his face sweaty and pale. Nick didn't even hear AJ screaming, a rushing sound in his ears as everything blurred together before him, darkness dancing around the edges of his vision. He could feel himself slipping, feel himself falling. AJ was almost in complete panic as he dropped to his knees under the weight, watching in horror as Nick's eyes slipped shut, his chest barely rising as he went limp. "Nick! Oh shit! Nick! Wake up!" He was slapping the sides of Nick's face to no avail, "Nick!! God, don't DO this! Nick!! KEVIN! KEVIN HELP ME! BRIAN! HOWIE! SOMEONE HELP!!!" AJ was screaming, his cries falling deaf on all ears, simply echoing throughout the empty house.

When no one came to see what in the world was happening out there, A.J. got up and ran into the house screaming for his friends to come help him. “BRIAN!! KEVIN!! Goddamn, guys.”, he muttered before he raised his voice again. “SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH NICK!!” When none of them answered and he realised they all left, he ran back outside to see how Nick was doing. As he knelt down beside him, he realised the youngest was breathing, but still unconsciousness. “Nick? Come on, bud!” he whispered, as he pulled his cell out of his pocket and dialed the one number he had dialed a hundred times before whenever he was in trouble. As he was waiting for the other person to answer, he kept his gaze at Nick, a thousand thoughts racing through his mind. This could NOT be the end, this was NOT how things were supposed to go. Nick was supposed to get one step closer to his recovery each day, not getting closer to death.
“God damn, Kev.. Answer your fucking phone!” A.J. muttered as he checked Nick’s pulse. He was definitely not an expert, but he knew Nick’s heart was beating way to slow, going at only around 60 pulsations a minute. “Damn, Kev, pick it up NOW!” But the eldest never even heard his phone ring, for he was still at the beach, while his cell kept ringing as it lay on the dashboard of his car.

Kevin finally let out the hurt that kept him company in his nightmares. The last one he had was about the five of them being together for the last time, at Nick’s funeral. Again it seemed so damn real, that he went over to A.J.’s place in the middle of the night and found the rebel sitting on the front porch, staring at the sky, trying to find the answers they all were looking for. Why Nick? Was he going to pull through or would they lose him eventually? The two of them had talked for hours and he ended up sleeping in one of the guestrooms, eventually waking up to the sound of Nick throwing up in the bathroom next to him, which was ten times worse than waking up to one of the nightmares. After all, those were just dreams, the sound of Nick emptying his stomach was harsch reality.
As he was now staring at the horizon through his tears, he continued. “Dad.. I feel so lost right now.. I-I don’t know what to do..” Kevin sobbed. “We’re losing him, dad. He’s losing his faith, sees no reason to fight anymore. As much as I want to, I can’t fight for him.. I can’t win this fucking fight for my little brother.. He has to keep on fighting. He HAS to!!” He lowered his voice as he tried to prevent another breakdown from happening. “I’m just so scared he won’t..”

~~~~~~~~~

Brian's was muttering to himself as he drove down the freeway, punching in the same number repeadtedly into his cell phone and coming away empty handed each time.
"Dammit Kevin! Where are you?" He hissed, finally giving up and tossing the phone into the seat next to him, he was halfway past the exit when he saw the car out of the corner of his eye, a mumbled curse falling away from him as he jumped off the freeway, flipping around and heading back in the direction he had just been coming from. Pulling up along side the jet black car, he shut his own engine off, grabbing his cell phone, hopping out of the car and peering inside. "Of course it's empty." Brian muttered, his sapphire gaze darting around before spying the same path Kevin had. Locking his car, he let out a long sigh, stuffing his keys in his pocket as he made his way onto the beach, spotting his older cousin at once. "Hey." He sighed, plopping down onto the sand next to Kevin and causing him to jump in surprise, his hands flying to his face to wipe away the tears.

"What are you doing here?" Kevin asked roughly, his face turned away from Brian.
"I dunno." Brian shrugged. "I saw your car, I was actually headed to your house."
"For what reason?"
"Don't be thick Kev." The younger man rolled his eyes. "To see if you were okay. I know what Nicky said hurt you."
"I don't even care about that Bri."
"Kev-"
"Seriously Brian. I don't." Kevin interjected, finally facing his cousin. "I know he didn't really mean it all."
"Soooooo," Brian began, a small grin on his face. "Is there any particular reason you're sitting all alone on the beach looking dejected and crying?"
"I wasn't crying." Brian smirked at the comment, rolling his eyes again. "Sure Kev. But for the record, you suck at lying. You actually might be worse than Frack. Which, is pretty hard to-"

"I'm so terrified we're gonna lose him." The eldest breathed, sobering up Brian immediately, who's smile fell away, his eyes dropping to the sandy ground.
"I know." He nodded.
"He's giving up Brian. I can see it everytime I look at him. I guess that's why I'm pushing so hard for him to keep going." Kevin snatched up a rock from the floor, feeling the smooth exterior in his hand before chucking it into the sea with all his might. "I HATE this. I hate being powerless to help him. I mean, god, Bri, 12 years I've known Nicky. Twelve years I've watched him grow up from this shy, goofy little kid, into this amazing person. And for 12 years, I've always been able to help him. I've always been there to shelter him from whatever was going wrong. Be it his crazy ass mother and family or his shitty choice in women," Brian chuckled at the last part and Kevin let lose a long sigh. "I've been there. Every step of the way. Through all the up's and the goddamn downs, I've been there. I've been his best friend, his enemy, his older brother and his father. But when he needs me the most, when he's hurting the most and when he's more terrified than he's ever been, there's not a damn thing I can do to help him."

"Kevin-"
"And that's KILLING me Brian." Kevin pushed on, ignoring the younger man. It's tearing me apart. And I would give ANYTHING to be able to take away all his pain. ANYTHING. I swore that when my dad died, I would NEVER feel like this again. Never let myself fall into a position where I felt completely useless. But here I am again, locked completely in place and unable to do one fucking thing to help one of the people I would give my life for without a second thought." A few tears slipped from Kevin's eyes and he bowed his head, falling silent. Brian was simply staring at him, rocked completely to the core with everything he had just heard. While nothing Kevin had said was new to him, actually hearing Kevin say it, hearing the pain that his older cousin carried, Brian shook his head, at a complete loss for words, simply wishing he was anywhere but there.

~~~~~

AJ's hands were shaking as he dialed 911, his eyes glued to his younger friend, watching his chest rise and fall, afraid that if he glanced away for a split second, he would lose him.
"911. What is your emergency?"
"My friend just collapsed! He's got cancer and he's breathing but he won't wake up!" AJ rushed out, gripping the phone so tightly if he had been paying attention he would have heard the small 'crack'.
"And how did he collapse?"
"What kinda of bullshit question is that?!" The rebel snapped. "Just get someone over here to HELP him!"
"Sir, please remain calm. Panic does not help any situation."

"Would you please just get someone over here?" AJ muttered through clenched teeth, his temper flaring. "I don't know how the fuck he collapsed. He was gasping for air and then he just passed out!"
"And you said he has cancer? How long has he had it? And what kind of cancer does he have? Has he been receiving any treatment for-"
"Are you KIDDING me?" AJ screeched into the phone. "Lady, my baby brother is lying on the floor unconcious! Would you just fucking send SOMEONE to help him? Is that SO goddamn HARD? What the FUCK is wrong with you people?"
"An ambulance is already on it's way to the location sir. I'm just trying to get a feel for the situation."
"That's all you needed to say. Tell them to hurry the fuck up!" AJ hissed before snapping the phone shut.

His brown eyes went wide as Nick let out a small moan, coughing slightly as he moved around. "Nicky? Are you with me? C'mon buddy, you're freaking me out here..." Aj let out a breath he didn't even realize he had been holding as Nick's eyes fluttered before squinting open, another groan tumbling away from his lips.
"A-AJ?" Nick slowly tried to sit up, only to be kept down by AJ.
"Stay down Nicky. Just take it easy."
"I don't feel so hot." The youth breathed, coughing again. A weak smile passed over AJ's features and he nodded slowly, "I know Nicky, I know." AJ gently sat the blonde up, sliding behind him and lowering Nick into his lap. "Just hang in there, okay? There's people on their way."
"I-I don't want to die anymore. I di-didn't mean it." Nick's terrified blue eyes tugged at AJ's heart and the older man hugged him gently, shaking his head.
"It hurts so much....AJ...help me...please..."
"I'm trying baby...I-the people are on their way." AJ had never felt so helpless in his entire life.
"I'm so scared. I-I don't want to go alone..."
"You're not gonna be alone! You're going to be fine." The rebel was glancing around furiously, cursing as he waited for the parmedics to show up. He didn't live that far from the hospital. Where the hell were they? Didn't they know his baby brother was slipping away right before his eyes?

"I'm falling Jay..." Nick's words were slurred together as his eyes began to slide closed, and AJ shook him gently, his eyes snapping back's to Nick's form as he tried to hold back his own panic. "Nicky stay with me! Please..." AJ was begging as he hugged the younger man close. "Please, hold on. Don't give up yet...not yet Nicky..."
"S-sorry," Slipped from Nick's lips as he went limp in AJ's arms, and the older men felt his heart freeze in chest. He could barely detect the rise and fall indicating that Nick was breathing, the younger man's breaths even more shallow than before. Sitting alone in the backyard, with Nick laying in his arms, waiting for help to arrive, AJ did the only thing he could think of, dropping his head as he began to cry.

A loud knock on the front door brought him back to reality. “Emergency medical team!!” he heard a deep voice yell. “IT’S OPEN!! OVER HERE!!” he replied. The front door flew open and two men immediately ran over to where A.J. and Nick were, the latter one still unconscious. “Sir, what happened?” the older paramedic said as he knelt down next to Nick, checking his pulse. “We were talking, when he, Nick, suddenly gasped for air and then he collapsed.” A.J. replied, not taking his eyes of Nick as if that could keep the younger one alive.

“Please step aside, sir.” The younger paramedic said while he opened his medical kit.
A.J. didn’t reply or move a muscle, determined to stay by Nick’s side at all times. “Sir! Let us take care of him!” the older paramedic said as he snapped his fingers in front of A.J.’s face. He then lifted Nick from the rebel’s lap and placed his head on the wooden floor of the porch after which he put an oxygen mask on the young man’s mouth. “His bloodpressure is 80 over 50, Derek.” His collague Sean said while he got up to run out of the door to get the bearrier.

A.J. finally stood up, realising he was only keeping the paramedics from doing their job. He sat down on the porch swing, his gaze on Nick, his hands fiddling with his cellphone, but since he was shaking all over, he dropped it, causing the lid to break and fall off. His firm grasp earlier had problably damaged the little hinge. As he looked down to see where it was so he could grab it, he cussed at himself for being so damn stupid. Now he couldn’t call the other guys.. “Shit, the other guys.. Fuck..”

It then hit him, he could use Nick’s phone! As he got up to go look for it, knowing Nick no longer carried it with him all the time, Sean came back in with the bearrier. “Are you coming with us?” he asked as he walked past the rebel who nodded in response. “Then we have to go now!” the paramedic replied as he and Derek carefully placed Nick on the stretcher and secured him to make sure he wouldn’t slip off during the ride to the hospital. After that, they almost ran for the ambulance, which made it perfectly clear to A.J. that Nick’s condition was worsening.

As he climbed in the back of the ambulance, sitting next to Derek while Sean jumped in the driver’s seat, he noticed Nick turned paler and paler each second. While the paramedic kept checking Nick’s pulse and breathing, he cocked his head a little. “So, the person who answered your 9-1-1 call told us Nick has cancer. Can you tell me a bit more about his condition, Mr...” He went silent for a moment, trying to remember the rebel’s name. “I’m sorry, I think I didn’t catch your name.”

“Alex. Call me Alex. He has several cancerous tumor around and in his lungs.” He whispered. This was actually the first time he ever said those words out loud, which made it seem more real for some reason. “I’m sorry to hear that. Has he been receiving treatment?”
The rebel nodded slowly. “Chemo. It wasn’t working at the speed it was supposed to though.”
“Do you happen to know what kind of chemo he received at this moment?”
A.J. looked at Derek, wondering why he had asked him that. “I-I’m not sure..”
Derek gave him a look of understanding. “The names are difficult, aren’t they?” The other men sadly smiled, nodding in agreement. “I think it was something like.. Xio..Xia..”
Derek’s eyes grew wide as he heard A.J. struggle with the name. “Please don’t tell me it’s Xialodac?!”
When A.J. nodded as he looked at him, he noticed the shock written all over Derek’s face and he felt fear coming from him, which scared the man himself. Why was he, a paramedic, so shocked at hearing the name of Nick’s chemo?? He was just about to ask him, when Derek turned towards Sean. “Turn on the sirens and drive faster. He’s being treated with Xialodac.”

They reached the hospital only a few seconds later and AJ was nearly sprinting as he ran aside the paramedics, who were quickly pushing Nick into the emergency room entrance. The doors pratically hit the wall as Derek and Sean ran through them and AJ made to follow, being immediately stopped short by a security guard, who grabbed him by the arm, almost causing the rebel to fall.

"Wha-what are you..." AJ panted, his brown eyes darting nervously between the doors and the man before him. "I've got to-"
"You can't go in there sir." The security guard sighed, pointing to a sign on the wall. "Hospital staff only."
"But my baby brother!"
"I'm sorry sir. Family or not, you need to wait in the designated waiting rooms." Noting the fact that he wasn't going to make any ground with the man before him, AJ let out a frustrated groan, his shoulders sagging as he relented.
"Where's the waiting room?"
"Go back down this hallway, turn left and then right."

"Thanks." The rebel muttered, stuffing his hands in his pocket as he trudged down the empty hallways. Peeking into the waiting room, he let out a breath of relief, seeing that it was empty. He was halfway to the chairs when he stopped short in his tracks, bringing a hand up and rubbing it over his face. "Shit." He breathed. "Shit, shit. shit." Looking around, he immediately spotted a reception desk, hurridly walking over. "Excuse me Miss, could you tell me where I can find a pay phone?"
"Down the hall and to the left...." The woman trialed off as she glanced up from her paper work, a surprised look washing over her face.

"Oh my god! You-you're....AJ! You're AJ from the BACKSTREET BOYS! I don't believe it!! Are you hurt? Are the other boys here?" AJ winced at the tone in her voice, trying to keep his patience as he gaped at him, looking feverishly around. Biting back a sigh, he shook his head, pressing a smile onto his face.
"Miss please, please keep your voice down. Listen, I'm here because my friend is sick. I just need to use the phone." She slowly took in a deep breath, nodding slowly.
"Is it one of the other Backstreet Boys?" AJ shot her a frown and she shrunk under his gaze. "I'm sorry. That isn't my place to ask."
"No it isn't but thank you for your concern." Was all AJ said before turning and walking away from the desk and out of the room.

He reached the pay phone a moment later, grabbing some change from his pocket. Shoving it into the phone, he let out a large breath, falling against the wall as he tried to figure out who to call. Turning back to the phone after a moment, he picked up the receiver, slowly punching in the numbers.

~~~

The ringing of a cell phone caused both Brian and Kevin to jump, the duo having yet to move from their spots on the beach, silence still holding both of them captive. Sighing heavily, Brian dragged his phone from his pocket, wincing as Kevin shot him a small glare. "It's AJ." He drawled as he glanced at the caller ID before flipping it open. "Hey AJ. You and Frack fini...what? AJ slow down...I can't understand what you're saying...wait, what happ....no, Kevin is with me. No, Howie went home. No, we didn't plan on.... well we didn't think we needed to te... Nick what?!" Brian cried, causing Kevin to whip around and face him, a worried look eteched into his handsome features.

"What happened?" The eldest demanded, his frown deepening as Brian waved for him to be quiet. "Brian!"
"Shut up!" The younger man snapped, pressing the phone to his ear. "No... Kev was...wait, AJ, I don't....he did? Did he say...oh shit....so he...TWICE? Oh god...oh god..." Brian was scrambling to his feet as he spoke, tugging on Kevin to follow him as he stumbled in the sand, trying to make his way back to the cars as quickly as he could. "What did the paramedics....didn't they...I-I don't...is it bad? Okay, okay...Orlando, right? Okay, oh, god, okay...bye." Snapping the phone shut as he reached the car, Brian dug his keys out of his pocket, trying to unlock the door, the shaking of his hands causing him to drop the keys.

"Brian! What the hell is going on?" Kevin was demanding as he caught up with his younger cousin. "Nick," Brian choked out, cursing as he dropped his keys again. "Dammit!"
"What? What is going ON?"
"Nicky collapsed...twice. He was barely breathing. AJ's at the hospital, he doesn't know what's wrong...FUCK!" The unusual obsenity slipped from Brian's lips as he dropped his keys again, his hands quivering too much to keep them still.
"Alright, enough!" Kevin snatched the key from the floor, shoving them into the lock and yanked the door open, climbing into Brian's car.
"What-"
"Get in, I'm driving. I'll get my car later." Nodding slowly, Brian quickly jumped into the car, gripping the dashboard as Kevin peeled onto the freeway.

AJ was waiting none to patiently in the waiting room, his eyes darting to the clock every few seconds. He had called Brian and Kevin, immediately calling Howie afterwards. That had been almost 20 minutes ago. Where the hell were they?

"AJ!" Howie yelled as he rounded the corner, his brown eyes wide. Jumping to his feet, a small smile broke onto AJ's face, relief washing over him that he was no longer alone. Howie quickly pulled him into a small hug. "Any word?"
"None."
"Bri and Kev aren't here?" Howie asked, looking around the room slowly as he stepped back.
"Not yet. They're on their way." Sinking back down into the chair, AJ sighed, raking a shaky hand through his hair. The older man looked over his younger friend, sympathy and regret washing over him as ge sat down beside the rebel.
"AJ...I'm so sorry we left and didn't say anything. God, I never...." The Latino trailed off, shaking his head slowly. "It doesn't matter Howie."
"I'm sorry we weren't there." Howie pushed on, his brown eyes locking with AJ's. AJ was quiet for a moment, turning his head away as he blinked harshly.

"It's okay to cry Jay."
"No." AJ mumbled, clenching his fists together. He would not break down in front of them. He refused to. "It was....so scary D."
"Yeah?"
"I mean, he just went down." AJ shook his head. "I've never seen....God and when he woke up, he was so fucking weak! If you could have heard the shit he said, Jesus,"
"God, I'm-"
"It rocked me to the goddamn core Howie. I mean, being there with him made me realize how fucking REAL this all is. How, we could lose him anytime now...you know? I mean, I got that when all this started but shit, I-I never really GOT it."
"I know. I know how that goes." Howie sighed, leaning back as his thoughts flashed to Caroline's final days. "All too well."

"But all I could think about when I was waiting for the medics was my relationship with Nick. I mean, I know I haven't been the nicest person to him and I give him so much shit..." AJ trailed off again, silence overtaking him. "What if he never knows how much I really care about him?" The older man looked at his friend, slightly unnerved with the softer side AJ was showing. "I know I always give him a tough time and I've constantly been on his case throughout all of this. Always snapping him back in line but it's just because I'm so terrified Howie. I mean, he's the only baby brother I've ever had...I don't want to lose him. I don't...." A small sob worked its way out of AJ and he abruptly got to his feet. "Shit, I need air." He mumbled before dashing out of the room, leaving Howie alone with his thoughts.
"Oh God," Howie breathed, shutting his eyes as he prayed. "Don't let this be the end."

~~~~~~

Finally the two cousins arrived at the hospital, immediately spotting their friend on one of the benches in front of the entrance. They glanced at each other, knowing things were not going well, since he was crying. They had only seen him crying a few times before when things were really bad. With a sigh, Brian opened the door and climbed out of the car, immediately followed by Kevin. As the walked over to their friend, they could hear him talking to himself.

“..my fault.. I should’ve never yelled at him like that.. God, don’t do this to us..”
Kevin shook his head as he sat down next to him, causing A.J. to jump slightly as he looked at the older men, immediately wiping away the tears. “Finally! The Kentucky cousins arrived.. were you stuck in traffic or something?!” he softly poked Kevin, trying to lighten up the spirit. The other two men didn’t respond as they watched A.J. hold back the tears that were welling up in his eyes again.
Kevin rubbed his tired face with two hands. “I’m so sorry, Alex, I never should have left. I just, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get out, think some things over. I-” he trailed off, thinking of his father, that all of this was way too familair, too much alike, too heavy on his heart. When he was out there on the beach, he had even thought of ways to escape the situation so he wouldn’t have to deal with all of this crap. And even though he liked the idea for more than a split second, he knew he never would.

After A.J. had filled the two cousins in on the situation, apologizies were spoken and declined, after which they decided to head back in the hospital, thinking there might be news on Nick’s condition. As they turned a corner on their way back to the waiting room, A.J. bumped into Derek, the paramedic who took care of Nick on his way to this hospital. “Sorry, Derek.. I-”
“It’s okay Alex.” The older man replied as he looked at Brian and Kevin, wondering if he could trust them. “That’s Kevin and Brian, friends of Nick and mine. This is Derek, one of the paramedics that came to Nick’s rescue.”
“Listen Alex, I need to tell you something, but not here..” Derek whispered, looking around if anyone else was in the hallway. The three young men didn’t quite understand what was going on, but knew it was serious by the way the older man was acting, so the four of them quickly walked over to the waiting room, where they found Howie, pacing up and down. After A.J. had introduced the two to each other, he looked at Derek who had a worried look on his face. The older man seemed to be nervous, extremely nervous.

“Alex, I..-” he trailed off, looking at the other guys, who were standing right behind A.J. in anticipation of what was to come, not sure if he should tell them, if they’d believe him or report his story as ridiculous. “It’s okay Derek. You can trust us.”
He seemed to relax somewhat, but still had his guards up as he began to speak. “Listen, you didn’t get this from me. Me telling you this could cost me my job, but I feel like I have no choice but to tell you. T-the Xialodac, the chemo Nick’s on.. something’s wrong with it. I’m not sure what it is, but.. my collagues and me have seen quite some other patients who have cancer and collapsed out of the blue. Most of them were being treated with Xialodac.”
“But..how.. why? Are you sure that-”
“I’m not a hundred percent sure, Alex, but everytime I came in the day after we brought one of them in, I asked one of the doctors or nurses how those patients were doing and they ignored my questions, when normally I get straight answers. I’m not sure what’s going on, but please watch out for your friend. Be on the doctor’s case when it comes to his treatments. Please do NOT allow them to give Nick Xialodac anymore, because I-”

The door swinging open cut off the paramedic’s sentence and the five men turned around to see who it was. “Derek, we need to go NOW! Another emergency!” Sean yelled as he ran off towards the ambulance after he saw his collague in there. “Coming!” Derek yelled before he turned back to A.J. “Alex, take care of him. I need to go!” He then turned and ran after his younger collague, out to save someone else. The rebel ran after him. “Because you what?!” he yelled, but the likable paramedic didn’t hear him as he turned the corner towards the exit, leaving behind four frightened men.

"What the hell do you think this was all about?" AJ was muttering as he stood his ground in the waiting room. "I'm kinda confused. What exactly is happening?" Howie frowned as he wathced the doors swing shut behind Derek. "Hey Kev, Bri." He finally geeted, and was pulled into a quick hug by both men as a make shift greeting, his brown eyes darting around as he waited for an answer. "So, what is this all about Jay?"
"I dunno. I guess the medicine had something to do with Nick's collapse." AJ mumbled, motioning for Howie to sit down and then falling into the seat next to him.
"So now what? I mean do you think that's it?"
"Who knows! But someone would have to know about all those negative side affects! You can't be that dumb..." AJ was pratically hissing as he watched Kevin pace before himself, Howie and Brian, who had taken a seat next to AJ. "I swear to god if I find out that Nick's doctor cleared the medication knowing about any of this I'll fuckin-"

"Stop it AJ." Brian reprimanded softly, his blue eyes on the floor in front of him. "We can't jump to any allegations yet."
"Are you kidding me Rok? Dude, that guy Derek said-"
"Sshhhh!" Brian hushed, clamping a hand over AJ's mouth as he looked around. The now, older woman at the receptionist desk was shooting them strange looks and he flashed her a large smile, watching as she half returned it before going back to her paperwork. "Keep your voice down!" AJ shoved Brian's hand off of him, narrowing his eyes as he glared, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Look, we can't raise attention to this just yet. If we bring it up, it sounds like something that could cost Derek his job. Plus, I mean, the guy looks nice but we don't know him."
"He's a paramedic Bri," Howie began with a small frown. "You can't possibly think he's trying to pull anything."
"I don't know what to think anymore Howie." The younger man let out. "I'm so tired right now and so worried, I don't want to think. I just want to see Nicky."

"Alright listen," Kevin sighed, sinking down into one of the chairs. "We'll keep everything Derek said in mind AJ but for now, we keep quiet on it. At least until we find out what exatly happened to Nick. Okay?"
"Whatever." AJ shrugged, glancing at the clock. "Why is this taking so long?"
"We've only been here about 20 minutes or so Jay." Howie supplied, a small smile breaking onto his face. "These things can take time."
"If there's something really wrong, yeah." The rebel retorted, crossing his arms over his chest.
"AJ, drop the attitude, okay? It's not helping matters."
"I don't have a-" Kevin simply shot a look at the younger man, causing him to fall silent as he rolled his eyes. Silence overwhelmed the four men, the slowly ticking of the clock echoing throughout the empty waiting room. AJ was bouncing his leg up and down, his chocolate gaze shooting from the wall clock to his wrist watch, wishing he could push time along and make it go faster. Twenty minutes had turned into 40, which had transformed into 70 and AJ was almost to his breaking point. Kevin's head was bowed, his own eyes on the floor, his mind racing as he tried to keep composure. He hated waiting like this. Hated not knowing what was happening. Howie has scooped up a random magazine, not taking in a word of the article as he simply stared at the pages blankly, his mind wandering.

Brian was barely sitting still, his thoughts running through his head, a mile a minute. He felt like screaming, like yelling at the top of his lungs. Anything to help relieve the tension that was building around his heart and holding him captive. This was torture. "I've got to get some air or something." The Kentuckian breathed, rising to his feet. "I'll be back in a bit. Call my cell if you hear anything, yeah?"
"Where are you gonna go?" Brian shrugged at Kevin's question, running a hand over his face tiredly. "I just need to get out of this room. I'm gonna go crazy."
"Alright. Don't go far." The younger man nodded at his cousin, moving to walk out of the room before stopping briefly at the receptionist desk. "Um, excuse me," He drawled out slowly, pressing a small smile onto his face. "Is there a chapel here?"
"Three floors up, down the first hallway on your right." She directed without even glancing up. "Thanks." She glanced at him and nodded curtly before going back to her paperwork.
"You're welcome."

Stuffing his hands into his pocket as he walked, Brian made his way to the elevators, punching the up button, rocking slowly back and forth on the balls of his feet as he waited for the lift to arrive. The doors slid open to reveal an empty car and he briefly smiled before stepping in, hitting the button for the 4th floor. Reaching his destination only a few seconds later, he disembarked, slowly making his way down the correct hallway, his eyes wandering over the various signs as he looked for the chapel. Recgonition dawned on him as he walked through the hallways, noticing the more so somber atmosphere of the floor. He was in the ICU unit.

"What a very fitting place for a chapel." He sighed, finally finding the place he was looking for and tugging one of the double doors open slowly. The chapel was empty and small, 10 short rows of candles placed immediately to the left of the doors, with only about 5 or 6 of them still burning. Walking over to them, he grabbed a match, gazing at them sadly before striking the match. "For you Frack." Brian whispered, lighting the candle as he closed his eyes momentarily. Opening his eyes, he moved to sit in one of the pews, looking ahead at the stained glass pictures decorating the walls and the cross before him. "Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdome come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread and forgive us, our trespasses, as we forgive those, who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen." The southener prayed, dropping his head as he knelt forwards, resting his forhead on his clasped hands. "Father, I beg of you, please don't take Nicky away from us. Leave him here, with those he loves. Help him in his hours of need, give him the strength we can not. Dry his tears when he cries, carry him when he is weak. I pray to You now, in one of my hours of need, knowing You will hear me. My trust I put forth in You, my faith, my love, my comfort. Give Nick the faith he needs to make it through this test You have given him. All this I ask in Your name. In the name of the Father, The Son, The Holy Spirt, Amen." Brian slowly made the sign of the cross, sitting back in his seat. "Please..."

~~~~~~~~~

Nick felt as though he was floating, his world turned upside down as he looked around. Nothing seemed right. "What the hell is going on?" He whispered, his grey-blue eyes darting around. The last thing he remembered was talking to AJ, then a sudden pain in his chest and now he seemed to be in a place he had never seen before. Realization suddenly hit him and he let out a gasp, reeling backwards as though he had been hit. "Oh shit...oh SHIT!" Nick gasped, "Oh god, don't tell me..." He spun around, eyes wide, trying to search for a confirmation of what he was thinking. Desperately praying he was wrong. "Kevin?! Brian?? AJ? Howie? Can anyone hear me?" A frown took shape on his features as his cries fell unnoticed and he moved forward a few steps, a sudden rushing sound filling his ears. Warmth suddenly overtook his body and he felt as though he would never be sad again, a smile breaking onto his face. "Guys?? Are you this way?" The youth breathed, taking a few more steps ahead. "You have to be this way...it feels so right...." His sentence trailed off as he continued to walk forward, a bright light suddenly appearing and he raised his arm up, trying to shield his eyes. "Frick? Kevin? Anyone there?"

Shrugging, he walked closer, stopping in his tracks as something finally hit him. "Oh god..." Nick choked out, taking a faltering step back. "This can't be...not THE light....NO! I'm don't wanna leave yet!" He flew backwards at the notion, almost tripping as he recoiled, his heart racing. "I wanna go back! I wanna go BACK!" The blonde was screaming into nothing, his gaze shooting everywhere. "I WANT TO GO BACK!"
"Then go." He heard a voice whisper. Nick spun around at the sound, still finding himself completely alone. "Go back to them." Eyes wide with fright, Nick nodded slowly, heading in the opposite direction of where he had been going, darkness looming in on him. He felt his breath catch in his throat, barely able to see the tip of his nose as he continued on, feeling suffocated by the darkness.

"I don't like this..." He mumbled to himself, pushing himself to keep going. Thoughts of Kevin, Brian, Howie and AJ flashed before him, a determined look flashing onto his face. Pain slowly began to dance around him the further he walked and he gasped for a breath, finding it hard to breathe. With each step he took, he felt the as though weight was dropping onto his shoulders, agony cutting through him. "I can't...." Nick cried, stumbling and falling to his knees. Trying to get back to his feet, he swayed, moving only a few inches before tumbling back down again with a heartfelt cry. "Help me please..." He begged, his eyes welling with tears as he sat alone in the pitch black atmosphere, wave after wave of pain hitting him, making him whimper, "Please...someone help me.....Brian please...."

Brian was still at the chapel thinking back to when things were normal. Eyes closed, all sorts of memories flashed before him. The day the two of them met. They were all young, but Nick was such a kid. Innocent, naive, which was normal for a kid his age ofcourse, but there was something very special about him. Back then, he didn’t notice. That day, the only thing that was obvious from the moment they saw each other, was that the two of them would become best friends. Frick and Frack, pulling pranks on the others, driving Kevin mad most of the time, since they both couldn’t sit still and had a short attention span.

How he wished they could go back to those days, back to normalcy. He knew they still had a long way to go before they even got close to that, if they’d ever find their way back home. Nick had to make it through, none of them would ever be the same if he’d lose the fight. But things hadn’t been going better lately, they only kept getting worse. Before his outburst, he always appeared to be so strong, Brian felt he hardly had to worry about Nick’s mental strength, for it seemed to be unbreakable ever since he had started the treatment.
Ofcourse there had been times of exhaustion, breakdowns, harsch words, but most of the time, Nick kept fighthing. And now, he had blamed it all on them. Even though Brian knew he didn’t mean any of it, it opened the older man’s eyes. Indeed, they kept pushing him, but it was out of love, not anger. They needed him to be around, he needed him. “I just wish I could fight for him.. like I promised him to..” he whispered as he rubbed his face, feeling helpless and lost.

He slowly got to his feet, knowing he should go back to the others to see if there was any news. As he walked towards the doors, for some reason his attention was drawn to the candles next to it. He knew he lit the one in the middle, but it was no longer burning, which seemed strange to him. The others still were, so draught couldn’t have put the little flame out. For the second time, he grabbed a match and lit the candle for his best friend. After a few seconds, the flame was blown out. Brian even saw it this time. At first he thought it was his breathing that put it out, but then he noticed the other candles were still burning strong, their flames not even flickering. “It must be the candle.. the wick or something.” he muttered under his breath, feeling fear creeping up on him, what if this was an omen of some sort?

He shook his head, thinking he was losing it. Ofcourse it wasn’t an omen, there was just something wrong with the candle. For the third time, he struck a match and now lit the candle on the right. “For you Nick. This is our fight, not yours alone.. You fight, I fight.” Having said those words, he turned towards the doors, pushing them open gently as he walked into the hallway. When the doors closed behind him, the little flame was still burning strong.

~~~~~

Nick was slowly rocking back and forth, trying to find the strength to get up again, but the pain was too much, making him shiver and sick to his stomach, a feeling he was familair with ever since he started the chemo. Ever since he got the Xialodac, things went downhill even more. He was exhausted to the point he didn’t think he could ever open his eyes again, and so sick that it was hard to keep even a simple sip of water down. Life sometimes didn’t seem worth while anymore. Occasionally he had thought giving up would be so much easier. The pain, the nauseau were too much to take when he had been throwing up all night, getting cramps, the dizziness and the pain in the eyes of his friends, it was so hard to handle. But now, he wanted nothing more than get back to where they were. If only he knew a way..

Slowly he lifted his head, hoping something had changed, but it was still pitch black, he couldn’t see his own hands or feet. He closed his eyes for a second, not that it changed anything about the situation, but it did gave him a somewhat feeling of safety, which was ridiculous when he thought of the pain he was in. He tried to think of the old days, the way the others were protective of him to the point where he hated them for doing so. But he couldn’t picture any memories from his past, not even the last few days. All he could see was the pain, the throwing up, the hell he went through. It almost felt as if Death was trying to convince him to give up. That feeling scared the shit out of the blonde, but on the other hand it convinced him that he had to try again to go back to his friends. “Brian..please.. I’m so sorry for saying those things.. I need your help, can’t do this alone..” he sighed. “Please.. fi-fight for me..”

As out of nowhere, he was on his feet again, still in excruciating pain, but at least he was standing. Carefully he took one small step forward, immediately another wave of pain hit him, which almost caused him to collapse again, but this time, he only staggered, trying to keep his balance. With each following step, he felt sicker and sicker, to the point where he thought he had no choice but to give up. Just as he was about to, he noticed something in the distance. He squinted his eyes, trying to make out what it was he saw. Curiosity helped him take another three steps forward, still not sure of what it was that was before him.

All of a sudden, a faint light appeared at the end of the tunnel. It wasn’t even close to the brightness of the light at the other end, it was more like a soft gleam. Within that glow, he saw a figure standing. As he kept shuffling, he tried to make out who it was, but all he saw was a silhouette. The pain was still there, but it was softened, and he was no longer freezing. Instead, he felt as if he was embraced, it was slowly filling him with warmth and comfort.
He kept moving forward, still unable to see who was waiting for him at the end, but it all became clear when he heard a familair voice.
“This is our fight, Frack. I fight, you fight..”
A smile danced onto the young man’s face, knowing he could make it through when he was there to help him. “Together we fight..” Having said those words, he knew he made it. “We.. We made it..”

When those words were spoken, Nick felt himself going back to where he wanted to be. At the same time, back in the chapel, the flame of the candle that Brian lit for his best friend, flared up once, before it returned to it’s normal state..

Making his way down the hallway to the elevators, Brian's eyes wandered from door to door, his curiousity getting the best of him as he peeked into a few rooms, his heart strings being tugged as he noticed a few children scattered amongst the patients. Letting out a long sigh, he stuffed his hands into his pockets, a chill running through him as he shuddered. A frown surfaced on his face and he halted momentarily, half wanting to turn back and double check on the candle he had lit.

Deciding against the thought, he hurried back to the elevators, shoving the button in and arriving on the first floor a few seconds later. His phone rang the second he stepped out of the lift, and he bit back a sigh, tugging it out of his pocket.
"Littrell."
"Bri, you need to get back here." Howie was sighing, his voice sounding tired and strained.
"What happened?"
"Just get back here."
"I'll be there in a sec." Brian disconnected the phone, hurrying back into the waiting room to find his bandmates all talking softly, looking worried, his heart clenching in his chest. "What's going on? Did you guys find something out?" Kevin shook his head slowly,
"Dr. Peterson is on his way." The words were just out of Kevin's mouth when the double doors swung open, Dr. Peterson walking through them looking tired and aged.

"Good afternoon gentlemen." He sighed, standing before them. "Mr. Littrell, if you would?" He gestured for the younger man to take a seat and Brian quickly did so, falling into the chair next to Kevin.
"Is Nick okay?" AJ demanded, his brown eyes narrowed as he tried to keep his patience.
"Mr. Carter is stable but not in the best condition."
"Well what the hell happened?!"
"AJ!" Kevin reprimanded, shooting the younger man a glare before turning his emerald gaze back to the doctor. "I'm sorry, please understand, we're just worried about Nick. I mean, things seemed to be going okay and then this suddenly happens? It doesn't make much sense."

"I'm not quite sure how to say this," Dr. Peterson began, "Okay, see, the medicine Nick was taking was not checked properly by the person administering it-"
"Which would be you?" AJ cut in, earning him a deep prod in the ribs from Howie.
"Shut up and let him talk." The Latino hissed, ignoring AJ's cry of protest.
"No, actually, it wasn't me. The second doctor I have in command is in charge of giving Nick his chemotherapy treatments. For reasons unbeknownst to myself, he failed to cross reference the contents with Nick's medical history records. The added effect of the drug not being tested fully had a backwards effect on Nick. Instead of helping decrease the tumors in his lungs, they caused them to increase. The increase of the tumors interferred with Nick's breathing and the medicine that he was allergic to, threw him into a state of septic shock. "

"I'm sorry," Kevin stated, a large frown on his face. "Let me understand this completely, YOUR doctor didn't make sure the medicine he gave Nick was compatible with his system? And because of that, not only is his cancer WORSE but he now is in some other state of medical peril? Is that correct?"
"Bascially." Dr. Peterson sighed. "Look, this has never happened before in the 35 years I've been here. I can assure you that the person who has made this error has been let go and we are-"
"Look, I really don't think any of us give a damn about the shithole that did this." AJ muttered, shaking his head. "What the fuck does all this mean for Nicky?"
"Jay-"
"Shut UP Brian!" The rebel snapped, leaning forward. "I'll ask you again Dr. Peterson, what does all this mean for Nick?"
"It means that like Mr. Richardson stated, Nick's cancer has unfortunately gotten worse."
"How worse?" Brian whispered, clutching the armrests so tightly his arms were beginning to hurt.
"Not drastically worse but enough to be concerned about."
"And the septic shock?" Howie inquired. "What does that mean?"
"The septic shock caused Nick's blood pressure to severely drop and caused his blood flow to weaken, which would explain his collapse. The shock also caused his lungs, kidneys and heart to temporarily falter in their functioning. We almost lost him but were able to rebalance his system but the onslaught of the septic shock, coupled with Nick's cancer and already weakend system has left him in a state of unconciousness."

"He's in a COMA?!" AJ pratcially shrieked, his eyes going as wide as they could. Brian had lost all the color in his face, his heart feeling as though it had stopped at the doctors explanation. Kevin was sitting ramrod in his seat, his eyes cold and unforgiving as he stared at the man before him, his features set in stone. Howie simply gaped, his brown eyes soft and sad as he tried to process all the information.
"Not a clinical defined coma, no." The doctor corrected, rubbing a hand over his face. "Nick's state of unconciousness is not deep enough to be classified as a coma but the sooner he wakes up, the better. Until then, we have placed him on a respirator because we were unsure he would be able to keep a regular pace in his breathing."
"C-can we see him?"
"One at a time, yes." Dr. Peterson nodded. "He's on the 5th floor, room 525." The doctor made to leave and hesitated for a moment, his eyes regretful. "I'm sorry for all of this. I'm doing everything in my power to fight this." With that, he turned and moved from the room, leaving the four men sitting in a shocked silence, their world slowly crumbling beneath them.

The minutes seemed to crawl by as the four men sat wrapped up in a suffocating silence, all of their thoughts racing much to fast for any of them to comprehend. . It wasn't until Kevin finally shook himself from the stupor, clearing his throat and startling the others back into reality. He slowly got to his feet, moving in front of his three brothers, looking down upon them with a understanding gaze. AJ, Howie & Brian all looked up slowly at the eldest, watching as he assumed a timeless postion, one he had taken before too many times to count.
This was where Kevin emeresed himself in his 'big brother' role, trying desperately to shoulder the burdern and pain his younger friends were feeling. He wanted to do the same to Nick, wished with all his heart and soul that he could sweep Nick's suffering away. But there was nothing he could do. The thought entered his mind as he stood there before them, his mouth running dry. How was he supposed to shelter them? How was he supposed to protect them? Convince them everything would be okay? When he himself was unsure of the possibilities. Letting out a breath, he dragged a hand over his face.

"Fellas," Kevin began slowly. "I know things look bad right now but-"
"Things ARE bad right now." AJ cut in, shaking his head. "You can't use a motivational speech to save us from this one Kev." He sat back slowly in his chair as he shook his head. "This isn't shit with Lou or JIVE, this isn't family problems or girl problems. This is real."
"AJ just let him talk." Howie sighed, feeling exhausted. This was too much for one day.
"Talking isn't going to fix this! Telling us things are gonna be okay isn't going to fix the fact that Nick is practically in a coma with worse cancer than what he came in with!" AJ was on his feet in a second, his temper rising as frustration washed over him. "NOTHING, especially some fuckin speech, is going to fix this!"
"Stop it Jay." Kevin said softly, "Just stop."

"You have to have faith AJ." Came Brian's soft drawl as he sat with his eyes on the floor, hands clasped tightly together.
"Faith? FAITH?" AJ repeated incredulously. "Faith is BULLSHIT!"
"AJ!" Kevin hissed, narrowing his eyes. "Knock it off!"
"How can you possibly still have faith after all of this?!"
"How can you not?" Brian asked quietly, finally meeting his younger friend's angry gaze. "How can you tell Nick to have faith that things will work out but have none of your own?"
"This is crap." AJ muttered, shoving his hands deep into his pocket. "I don't even wanna talk about this." He turned away from the group, slowly making his way out of the room. "Where are you going?" Kevin called after him, as AJ continued to walk away. "AJ!"
"Where do you think Kevin?" The younger man replied as he reached the doorway. "To see Nick."

With that, he left the room, quickly finding the elevators and hopping into one. He bounced rapidly on the balls of his feet as he waited to get to the 5th floor, watching the doors slide open for a moment before stepping out and glancing at the signs.
AJ found Nick's room a second later, a nurse exiting through the door as he approached. She looked up as he got closer and he saw her do a double take, making him wish he had his sunglasses. "Um, are you here to see Mr. Carter?"
"Yeah." AJ's voice was just a whisper, his body feeling as though it was moving in slow motion, his heart pounding in his ears. Trying to shake the feelings off, he cleared his throat, moving closer to the door. "Yeah, I am." A slow smile crossed her face and she gently pushed the door open, waiting for AJ to move, "You can go in." She said gently, "It's okay." AJ simply nodded, finally getting his body to move forward so he was standing half into the doorway. "Uh, thanks." A half-hearted smiled fell across his features and she shruged, beginning to head down the hallway. "No problem." She disappeared a moment later, leaving him alone. Taking a deep breath, he shoved the door open, not even hearing it as it banged shut behind him.

"Shit." The word slipped from between AJ's lips at an octave that was barely above a breath, his chocolate eyes going wide as he stood, rooted to his spot, trying to take in the atmosphere around him. The room itself was stark white, the hospital bed placed stratigically in the center. Two chairs sat in opposite corners, hidden slightly by the shadows created by the tightly shut blinds. Sunlight barely crept between their creveces, almost as if it wasn't allowed inside the room. Nick's still form lay stretched upon the bed, a blanket tucked almost too neatly around him, his arms lying on top of the fabric, IV lines darting in and out of his skin. Nick's head was propped up ever so slightly by a pillow, his normally rosy complextion looking pale against the crisp white sheets.

It took AJ a moment before he actually moved closer, feeling intimadated next to all the machines. A long tube snaked it's way down Nick's throat as his chest rose and fell rythmically with the beeping of the machine next to it. The rebel's eyes flittered to the heart montior, watching the lines jolt up and down regularly, giving him the smallest ounce of comfort. "Jesus Nick..." Reaching down hesitantly, AJ brushed his fingers against Nick's hand, almost recoiling at how cold the youth's skin was. This wasn't Nick. It couldn't be.

Reaching a hand up, he tugged on his cap, messing with it for a moment as he tried to control his emotions. "Fuck, Nicky, I suck at this, you know?" AJ retreated to one of the corners for a moment, grabbing a chair and dragging it over next to the bed. With a small sigh, he picked up Nick's hands, holding it gently. "I feel like a dumb ass holding your hand you know. " A small smiled cracked onto AJ's features before disappearing almost as quickly as it had came. "Anyways, like I said...dude, god, I suck at this. I mean, I want to sit here and tell you all the mushy things that Kev and Rok and D are gonna tell you but I can't. I just," He trailed off with a long sigh and shrugged. "I want to believe you're gonna be just fine, you know? I do. It's just there's so much shit stacked against you. Fuck Nicky, I know I never say it but damn, I-I really do love you so much, I mean, you're the only baby bro I got. And I don't want to lose you. God, I don't want to lose you..."

A soft knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts as he lifted his head to see who was now opening the door and peeking in. “Are you okay, Alex? You’ve been here for almost forty minutes or so..” the Kentuckian asked as he walked in. A.J. let go of Nick’s hand, feeling ashamed all of a sudden. He didn’t know what it was, but something about his friend irritated him at this point, so he stood up and walked past him, murmering that Nick was allowed to have only one visitor at a time. Brian watched him leave the room, knowing it was best to let him go. For now, he obviously needed to be alone.

He turned around and walked up to the bed, staring at his best friend in disbelief. He wasn’t expecting him look fantastic as if nothing was wrong, but the way he looked now. It was like his soul had already left his body. It wasn’t his Frack who was lying in the hospital bed, nothing about him looked familiar. Ofcourse his appearance was the same, but still.. Nick always slept with his face buried in his pillow, while he hugged another. He never lay still too. When they still slept in bunks in the tourbus and he was in the bunk below the youngest, it drove Brian crazy that Nick would never ever lay still for more than ten minutes. And now, he was surrounded by machines beeping every second, his skin was a light shade of gray and he lay so still that he wanted to shake him to see if he was still alive, to bring back the friend he missed so much.

As he sat down on the chair A.J. sat on only a few minutes before, his thoughts went back to when things weren’t this complicated. When Nick was just a healthy, goofy kid who came up with crazy ideas, dumb questions and silly remarks. He still said stupid things, but everything else was different. The looks they gave each other, filled with helplessness and sadness, the pats on the back, the hugs, nothing was the same. And still, Nick managed to lighten up the spirit every once in a while.
Even when throwing up all day long, he never lost his sense of humor which had helped them all to cope with his illness. Now Brian realized that most of the time Nick was pulling THEM through instead of the other way around. “No wonder he yelled at us the other day,” he softly said to himself. “You must’ve been exhausted from trying to keep yourself AND us from falling apart. I’m so sorry Nicky.. I want to fight for you.. I just don’t know how..”

~~~

He knew it would be the last time he’d see him, and still he didn’t want to approach him. The others didn’t press on, knowing this was only his decision and they could not force him into doing this. Last time he saw him, he had just regained consciousness.They talked about the outburst, he apologized to the others and he even made fun of Brian’s outfit, who looked like he had joined G-Unit, wearing wite sweatpants, a huge hooded sweater and a cap to top it off. Things almost seemed normal, except for the fact that Nick was coughing like crazy and he fell asleep quite a few times in the middle of conversation. Then out of nowhere, he went into cardiac arrest, causing the machines to make a deafening sound. A few seconds later two nurses and Dr. Peterson stormed in and the four men were all told to leave his room. They did as they were told and waited outside in the hallway, praying for the life of their little brother, but it was to no avail.

And now here he was, standing only a few steps away from his coffin. They found out that Nick had already arranged everything, from the music he wanted played to the inscription he wanted engraved in the headstone. He had asked them to carry him from the church to the graveyard, something he knew he’d do, since it was the last thing he could do for his little brother.

Behind him, Brian, Kevin and Howie were crying their eyes out. The strongest was now the weakest of the four. Cancer took his little brother from this earth and he hadn’t been able to prevent it from happening, something he could not handle after all they had been through. Brian, Frick without his Frack, A.J. knew he’d never be the same goofy guy ever again now he lost his partner in crime. And Howie, he looked like he could fall apart any second, trembling all over and a distant look on his face as the tears kept running down.

As he took a step forward, he heard a cellphone go off, which made him angry as hell. There was nothing more disrespectful than answering a call during a funeral and he turned around to see whose phone it was, knowing he’d go over to him or her and smash the thing into a hundred pieces. It kept ringing though, and nobody responded to the sound. The others didn’t even turn their head to see what was going on, but kept their gaze on Nick. Then all of a sudden, A.J. realized it was his own cellphone that kept ringing and ringing..

So here's another (short) chapter, but we had to cut it short this time. Next one will be longer, that's a promise. Please keep reviewing.. it helps us write the story! Now Enjoy!
__________________________

With his eyes still closed, his head buried in the pillow trying to forget the nightmare and block out the noise, he tried to grab his cellphone from the nightstand, but instead pushed it off so it landed on the floor. Two days had passed since Nick collapsed and he bought a new phone the day after he was admitted to the hospital. He grunted as he slowly turned his head, opened his eyes, picked it up and brought the device to his ear after pushing the ‘accept’-button. “McLean.”
“Goodmorning, Mr. McLean. This is Dr. Peterson.”
The sound of that voice immediately caught his attention. A.J. shot op straight, while rubbing his face with his left hand.
“What’s wrong with Nick? What happened? How..”
“Nothing but good news this morning, Mr. McLean. Nick regained consciousness at around 4am this morning! We had to do some checks on him, but he’s pretty much awake by now.”

A huge smile danced on the rebel’s face, unsure of what to say. For once, he was speechless.
“Mr. McLean?”
“I’m sorry Dr. Peterson... Can we come see him?!”
Dr. Peterson laughed. “Sure you can. He asked specifically for you though.”
“Me? Alright, I’ll come over as soon as possible!! I’ll call the others and-”
“Mr. McLean, Nick wanted me to ask you not to do so for now. He’s still very tired, weakened and requested I called only you. He wanted to talk to you first before you notified the others, or something like that.”
“Okay, I won’t call them yet.” A.J. nodded, knowing why Nick had reacted in such a way. The outburst, he probably wanted to ask him if the others were still angry with him. “I’ll be over there as soon as possible!”
“Mr. McLean! Wait! Before you hang up, I thought it might be a good idea to tell you everything you needed to know. My shift’s over in a few minutes, so.. Well, we removed the tube, since he was panicking when he felt it and we had no choice but to remove it. He’s still short of breath occassionally, so he now has an oxygen mask on to help him breathe whenever necessary. TRY to stop him from talking, because the tube has damaged his throat a bit, which is normal by the way. Well, that’s about it.. Have a nice day, Mr. McLean, but I’m sure that’s not going to be a problem!!”
“Same to you, Dr. Peterson and thanks for calling me!” He couldn’t wipe the smile off his face as he jumped out of bed, grabbed his jeans and a shirt from the floor and ran to the bathroom.

Twenty minutes later he was in the elevator on his way to room 525. He was still excited, but a little scared too, unsure of what to do or say. Normally, Kevin would go in first, breaking the ice for the others, but now, it was only him. He walked out of the lift into the hallway, almost bumping into a nurse. “You’re here to see Mr. Carter, right?” she gently asked him, sensing his hesitation. He nodded and looked at her nametag before he responded. “That’s right, Mrs. Perez. I am.”
“I just checked on him. He’s doing pretty well, considering the circumstances. He can’t wait to see you, so hurry, go see your friend!” Her smile and enthusiasm made him feel better and he quickened his pace towards the room in which his friend was waiting for his arrival.

As he opened the door, he peeked around the corner and saw that Nick’s eyes were closed. He gently closed the door behind him, not wanting to wake him if he was asleep. A.J. tiptoed over to the bed and sat down. His weight caused the chair to make a squeaking sound, which woke Nick from his little eyeshut. His eyes fluttered open as he turned his head towards the sound. When he saw his friend sitting there, a smile crept onto his features. He lifted his hand towards the oxygenmask as if he wanted to remove it. A.J. noticed and put his hand on Nick’s arm to stop him from doing so. “Don’t Nick. Leave it on.” A small lump worked it’s way up to his throat. Nick was awake and already being stubborn not listening to the doctor’s orders. It was almost like the old days, except for him being in the hospital. The youngest didn’t fight though and slowly put down his arm again, letting it rest on bed. They sat there in silence, Nick unable to speak, his friend unsure of what to say. A few seconds later Nick grabbed A.J.’s hand as if he wanted to make sure he wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

A.J. squeezed his hand for a second as if he wanted to reassure him that he wasn’t about to run off on him. “I- I.. owh man, I suck at this. It’s just.. I’m so happy you’re awake Nick. I- I was scared we lost you little guy..” He swallowed a few times, trying to get rid of the lump. “I know why you asked Dr. Peterson to call me first. It was because of the little thing that happened earlier with the guys, right?” He looked at Nick, who nodded his head in response, his eyes filled with tears. “They’re not mad at you, Nick. They know you didn’t mean it, they know you were frustrated and don’t hate us at all. I filled them in on our conversation before,.. well, you know. They just want you to be alright. We - we love you kid!! I bet they’ll kick my ass if they find out I didn’t call them immediately..” he smiled and got a smile in return from the man that looked so fragile, yet so strong. He had been through so much and still never gave up.

Nick slowly removed the mask for a second. A.J. again tried to stop him, but the youngest shook his head which told A.J. this was important. With a hoarse voice Nick softly spoke. “Can’t face them all at once. I-” A small cough escaped his lips before he continued, which had A.J. worried immediately. “I’m an idiot.”
“Well, I don’t think that’s something I don’t already know.” He chuckled. “Listen Nick, don’t talk alright. Doctor’s orders. Just rest.”
Nick shook his head and took a deep breath before he lifted the oxygen mask again.
“Can’t see them all at once. Too much.. Can you please ask Brian to come over first?”
“Well, sure.. Kevin is not going to be amused though.” He winked.
Nick smiled in return, too tired to actually laugh at the comment. “Thanks. Need to thank him.”
This had A.J. confused which showed on the expression on his face. “Thank him? What for?”
“His help... without him I wouldn’t have found my way back..” he softly whispered, not sure A.J. would believe him if he told him everything he’d experienced. “You lost me buddy.. what are they giving you through that IV?”
“He-” Nick coughed again, feeling he shouldn’t really be talking anymore.. “Brian, he lighted the way..”

AJ stared at his younger friend, confusion painting his features vividly. He was starting to think Nick was a bit too out of it to have any more visitors. Holding back a sigh, he figured he might as well try one more time. "I'm sorry, you're gonna have to explain that one. Come again?"
"Bri," Nick mumbled, "He showed me th-the way back." Cocking his head to the side, he frowned, trying to understand what in the world Nick was refering to. "How in the world did Brian..." AJ trailed off, muttering mostly to himself, with a shake of his head, removing the hat he was wearing and placing it back on his head with a large intake in breath."L-light...he said he'd fi-fight...we'd..." Nick coughed a bit and the older man bit his lip, curbing his confusion. Now really wasn't the time.

"Okay. Okay, that's fine Nicky." He reached forward and gently patted the younger man's arm, forcing a smile onto his face. "Look, um, why don't I go call Rok and the others. Give me a sec and I'll be right back." AJ got to his feet slowly, moving away from the bed. "I'll be right back, don't go no where, yeah?"
"Funny, asshole." Nick allowed a weakened, half smile to slip onto his face, rolling his eyes. A grin worked it's way onto AJ's face at the familiar banter and he nodded. "I try to be." His hand fell to the doorknob, slowly jerking the door open. "Jay?" The rebel stopped at the address, inclining his head back in the direction of his younger band mate. "Hmm?"
"What happened at your house?"
AJ turned fully at the question, letting the door fall shut with a gentle click as he walked back over to the bed, holding back his sigh.
"I-I mean, I remember talking to you but nothing else."
"Not much more to remember after that Kaos." The older man shrugged, taking a seat again. "You went down, woke up, and then passed out again."

Nick limply shook his head, letting out a small breath and fogging up the oxygen mask in the process. "I bet Brian freaked."
"Uh, he probably would have, yeah," AJ nodded, leaning forward in his seat.
"If he had been there."
"He wasn't there?"
"Everyone took off while we were outside talking buddy. I didn't even know they had gone until I called for help and no one came."
"Th-they did?"
"Yeah man. I guess, they were pissed....I mean, they...ahh, shit." This wasn't how AJ had wanted to approach the matter, in fact, he would have preferred to skip the discussion completely. His eyes darted to his younger friend, trying desperately to gauge his reaction.
"They had every right to be mad at me." Nick said softly, closing his eyes has he sunk back into the pillow. "I was horrible."
"It doesn't even matter anymore Nick." AJ pressed, boxing Nick's knee lightly and trying to cheer him up. "All that matters is that you're okay. The fellas know you didn't mean what you said. We all know you're frus-"

"Were you scared?" The older man's eyes snapped to Nick's own blue, surprise written all over his face. "What?"
"I mean," Nick's gaze drifted downwards, his hands fidiling absently with the blankets covering his form. "When I...did you think...I know you said....but, I mean..." The youth let out a muted sigh as he let the sentence trail off into silence. "You, um, you should call Brian." He finally said, his eyes still on his bedding. AJ simply nodded, quietly getting to his feet, his hands buried deep in his pocket. Reaching the door, he pulled it open, stepping halfway out of the room before stopping. "For the record Nick," He sighed, looking down at his feet before glancing at his youngest friend, who had looked up at the address. "I've never been so scared in my entire life." He didn't give Nick a chance to respond, fully exiting the room at that point as he pulled the door shut behind him. Falling back against it, the rebel let out a large breath, closing his eyes for a moment as his emotions threatened to get the best of him. "Goddamnit," AJ breathed, "Goddamnit."

~~~~

Brian pulled into the parking lot no more than 20 minutes after AJ had called him, shutting of his car and scrambling to get out. He couldn't wait to see Nick. Couldn't wait to scoop him into a hug and tell him how glad he was that he was okay. Jumping out of his car, he headed into the hospital, already knowing the fastest way to Nick's room. He stopped short outside of it, peering in through the window on the door, his hand falling onto the doorknob as he froze. AJ sat relaxed in the chair next to Nick's bed, the younger man smiling at whatever AJ was saying. Brian could hear the two laughing softly, a pang in his heart suddenly hitting him as he backed away from the room.

"Why wasn't I the first to know?" He mumbled to himself, leaning back against the wall and sliding down into a sitting position. "I'm his best friend." A frown worked it's way on Brian's handsome features and he sighed, thinking things over slowly. AJ had specifically told him on the phone that none of the other fellas had known Nick had woken up, which meant AJ had been the first to recieve the news. Brian was surprised at how much it bothered him, now that he had a chance to think things over. He didn't understand why Nick wouldn't want to see him first. "He always wants to see me." Brian whispered, rubbing a hand over his face. He jerked in surprise as the hospital room door opened, scrambling to get to his feet.

"Rok?" AJ smiled, frowning gently. "Why are you on the floor? And how long have you been there? I was just about to call-"
"Why did Nick ask to see you first?" Brian demanded, cutting the younger man off. "Why were you the first one told he had woken up?" He had moved forward so he was almost completely in AJ's face, his voice rising an octave with every word he spoke.
"Whoa, whoa!" AJ put his hand up in a defeated mode, shaking his head quickly. "Calm it down Brian."
"I'm his best friend! Why didn't he want me to know?!"
"Because he thinks you're upset with him!" AJ snapped, giving Brian a small shove back.
"Jesus christ Brian, it doesn't even matter! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"I want to know-"
"It doesn't MATTER!" The younger man hissed. "Would you take your head out of your ass for one minute to listen to me?"
Brian closed his mouth, crossing his arms over his chest as he waited. "Look, from the second I got here, to the moment I left just now, all Nick has been talking about is YOU. "
"What?"
"Yeah. That's right. You." AJ shook his head. "Though, what the fuck he's talking about I have no clue. He keeps rambling on about how you lit the way for him to come back, I don't know." Brian's eyes went wide at the comment, a short gasp tumbling away from him. "I need to talk to him!" He pulled AJ into a quick hug before moving around him and entering the room. "Frick!" The blonde exclaimed softly, his eyes fluttering open as he watched Brian enter the room. A grin appeared on Brian's face and he walked quickly over to the bed, pulling Nick into a gentle hug.

"Hey Frack." He breathed, rubbing the younger man's back. "How you feelin?"
The older man perched himself on the edge of the bed, a smile etched onto his face.
"Okay." Nick shrugged. "I don't like this thing though." He pulled at the oxygen mask, only to have his hand slapped gently away by Brian. "Leave it be." Nick rolled his eyes at the comment, a smile playing in his face. "I'm so glad you came back to us Nicky. I was so worried I'd lost you forever." Nick grew somber at the comment, his eyes meeting Brian's.

"I heard you Bri." The youth murmured, taking a deep breath before explaining himself. "I-I was in this bad place, like this foggy tunnel and I started going to the warm light but it was the wrong way, so th-then I went the other way and it was so dark. I couldn't see anything and it hurt! Oh god, Bri, it hurt so bad, I didn't want to keep going. I didn't want to hurt anymore." Brian grabbed Nick's hand at the explanation, squeezing it softly in an effort to offer the younger man a sense of security. "Then what happened buddy?"
"I couldn't keep going. I tried Brian, I really did but it just hurt so much! I remember calling for you to help me because I was so close to giving up. I-I didn't want to Bri...I really didn't! You have to believe me! But it all hurt so bad...it hurt so bad..."
"Nicky..."
"But then I heard you Bri," Nick continued, "I heard you saying we'd fight together. And then it wasn't so bad anymore. And then I saw this softer light, and it felt so right that I went towards it as fast as I could and then, all of the sudden I was here."

Brian was staring at his best friend, his mouth wide, his eyes round and large. "My god," The Kentuckian whispered. "Y-you came so close..."
"Close to what?"
"Nicky, you know what the bright light was, don't you? The light you almost went into?"
Nick nodded slowly, "I think so."
"I came that close too, when I was younger and had the problems with my heart. I....Jesus...."
"Did you actually say what I heard you say?"
"I...yeah, I was in the chapel and I was lighting a candle for you." Brian drawled out, shaking his head. "It kept going out but then it finally lit and I was sayin' that stuff the whole time and prayin' that you'd make it through."
"Wow." The youngest breathed.
"You can say that again."
"Wow." Brian smiled at the retort, hitting Nick's legs softly. "Dork." He chuckled.
"Nicky, lemme ask you something."
"Sure."
"Why did you want AJ here first?"
Nick went silent at the question, letting out a small sigh. "Frack?"
"I," The youth started, "I was nervous. Scared I guess that you and the others would hate me."
"We could never hate you Nick." Brian said with exasperation. "You know that."
"I said some awful stuff Brian. Especially to Kevin and Howie." He paused, his voice soft and muffled by the mask. "I didn't mean it."
"They know you didn't mean it Nicky."
"I'm sorry for what I said Frick. I don't blame you guys....I mean, it's just getting hard you know? And I don't want to put you all through all this pain."
"You have to stop worrying about us Nick. I'd go through this 10 times and back again as long as you come out okay in the end."
"But what if I don't?" Brian's smile faltered at the question and he shook his head again, patting Nick on the knee. "You will."
"Bri-"
"You will Nick." The older man repeated ademently, his blue eyes hard.
"If it was my faith that got us over the last hurdle, I'll be damned if I let it fade away now. It's gonna get us through this Nicky."
"You sure about that Frick?"
"Positive." Brian nodded, pulling Nick into another hug. "We fight together Frack. Don't forget, we fight together." Nick said nothing in response, simply closing his eyes as he hugged his best friend back, hoping with everything he could that Brian was right.

Really short chapter.. but you'll understand why that is when you read the chapter after this.. So don't throw rocks at us please.. ;o)
_____________________________________

“I’m sorry guys.. I shouldn’t have taken-”
“Nick if you apologize one more time, I’m gonna have to get some ducktape to shut you up, alright?”
Kevin smiled at his youngest brother as he gently slapped his leg. “We know you didn’t mean it, we’re not angry and yes, we know you’re an idiot.”
“Yeah, what he said, especially the last part.” Brian chuckled, followed by laughter from the others at his remark. “Seriously Nick, it’s okay, really.” Howie smiled at him, knowing he was still feeling guilty for the things he said. His apology two days ago was sincere, Howie could tell in the way the youngest struggled with words, tried to explain his behavior and apologized more than ten times.

Nick smiled at the sight of his four friends around and on his bed. He was so blessed to have them as brothers. Brian was sitting on his bed, being as funny as ever, lightening up the spirit every few minutes. His best friend, the guy who had once again saved his ass, but this time, ofcourse it was more serious. He had tried to thank him, but felt like no words could ever expres his gratitude. “But guys..” he tried again. He just felt like he had to make everything right, just in case.. just in case he wouldn’t pull through.
“Nick..” Kevin grinned. “Don’t even think about it.” He cleared his throat before he went onto a serious note. “So is there any news on your treatment or anything?” The youngest shook his head. “Dr. Peterson will come by later today to..”

Nick stopped as he heard the door open and turned his head to see it was actually the doctor himself who stepped in. As he walked towards the bed, he asked Nick how he was feeling. He replied he was doing okay, but that breathing was sometimes giving him trouble and that he was exhausted. The other four looked at him, their expressions filled with worry. They knew about the constant exhaustion, but he had kept the troubles he experienced with breathing from them.

“So, is there any news on how you will treat Nick from now on?” Kevin asked, trying to be the fatherly type by asking the question he knew the others wanted to ask but were afraid to. Dr. Peterson nodded. “That’s why I’m here. Nick, I think I already know the answer, but I still need to ask. Do you want me to tell you in private or..?”
“No.” The youngest shook his head smiling as he felt Brian gently squeezing his leg, followed by a wink that said everything was going to be alright. “They can stay.”
“Alright.” The doctor stood at the foot of the bed, holding Nick’s chart with both hands. He cleared his throat as he watched the five men, each of them looking at him with their expectations set high. This was not going to be easy.

“Nick, I’m afraid I don’t have anything good to tell you. Th-the.. We looked at your case with a team of specialists, and at this point in time, we don’t know how we can help you.”
“W-wait a minute..” Kevin stuttered, being the only one to already realise what this could mean for his youngest brother. “W-what are you saying exactly? There must be something you can do..” he trailed off as he slowly shook his head.

Dr. Peterson focused his attention on his young patient and for now ignored the older man’s question, since it was Nick who had to be told everything as soon and clear as possible, even though he didn’t know how to accomplish both tasks. “I’m sorry Nick, but since you were allergic to the Xialodac, your body weakened even more, and as you know, the tumors grew. Your body isn’t able to handle another dosis of chemo and we see no other way of treating you at this point. We are still investigating other options though, and are in contact with other specialists from all over the world. Again, I’m so sorry Nick, but I think you have to consider the fact that.. that we won’t find a cure.” He sighed and closed his eyes for a second, knowing it was the hospital’s fault his patient got the wrong chemo in the first place. Maybe, if he’d been put on the right treatment from the start, he wouldn’t be in here, he wouldn’t have to tell him that he, a 25 year old man, might die. Surprisingly, it was Nick himself who snapped the doctor out of his thoughts.

“It’s okay.” He said as he lifted the oxygen mask for a second, looking at the doctor, as he tried to avoid seeing his friends, knowing Kevin and Howie were crying, A.J. was getting angry and Brian was just staring at him, trying to read his mind. He himself was calm, even though he heard and understood every word his doctor had just said. “Really, it is.”
“How..how can you say that Nicky?” Kevin wiped away the tears as he stared at him.
“Because..” he coughed, then took in a deep breath before he finished his sentence. “Because I’m gonna be okay. We’ll find a way. Right Frick?” he asked his best friend, who jumped a little in surprise at the question, but quickly recovered his composture. Thesmile he gave him, as he nodded, was sincere. “Right Frack. We can do this. Together, we can win this fight.”

Brian was drumming on his steering wheel as he sat none to patiently in the messy traffic jam. He was on his way to visit his younger friends, at least, he had been on his way. Pulling onto the freeway, he had made it no more than 5 miles before he had been forced to halt his car, coming to rest in the place he currently sat. His vehicle had yet to move over 20 feet in the past half an hour and Brian was not very happy about it. Leaning back, he allowed his gaze to wander out onto the scene before him, his eyes rolling upwards in complete exasperation at the total and seemingly neverending gridlock he saw. He assumed it was due to an accident somewhere up ahead. The weather was horrible, overcast and raining. The rain hit his car rhythmically in it's steady downpour soothing him at first, now simply driving him insane.

"I am stuck in traffic," He sang softly, the song popping into his head as he shifted around in his seat trying to get comfortable and take his mind off of where he was. "Stuck in traffic." A grin surfaced onto his features and he briefly rolled his eyes, remembering where he had picked the song up from. Closing his eyes, he allowed himself to mingle on the memory. AJ had gone back to Nick's house recently to pick up a few items, including Nick's camcorder as per the youth's request. When the trio had looked at it, they had found a bunch of videos Nick had filmed for their official website, the "Stuck in Traffic" escapade being one of them. Brian let loose a sigh at the image he was picturing, seeing Nick and AJ singing along to their goofy made up song. Their voices were off key, high pitched and worn but their happiness and carefree attitudes shown through, making anyone who viewed the captured moment crack a smile.

Peeking open his eyes for a moment to check the scene before him, he sighed again before shutting them roughly. Happy times like that seemed like forever ago. Brian couldn't even recall the last time he had seen Nick really laugh, his eyes lighting up as he did so. That was something Brian wished with all his heart he could see again. Nick had always held ashimmering childlike essence in his eyes, even at 25 years old, it had always been there, sparkling with mirth. But it had long began to ebb away, constantly reminding them that they were running short on time.

It had been two months since Dr. Peterson had informed them all that they were pratically out of options and in the past two months, himself, AJ, Kevin and Howie had hunted all over the country, trying to find someone to help their youngest brother out. They had come away empty handed every single time. Brian was beyond desperate. They all were; the realization that they could lose Nick soon, hitting each of them hard. Howie had thrown himself into his condo company, working around the clock to keep his mind occupied. Kevin was constantly researching, reading every medical book he could get his hands on, determined to help Nick find a way to beat his cancer. He refused to let the matter drop, refused to surrender to fate's hand once more. AJ had begun writing songs left and right, carrying a small leather bound journal around with him and could often be found scribbiling away. It was his release, his escape from reality.

Upon everyone's insistance, Nick had returned to AJ's house after being released, continuing on with his chemotherapy treatments in the slightest hope they would help him. Brian spent as much time with Nick as possible, constantly afraid if he left Nick's side, his friend would slip away. Nick's incident in AJ's backyard had caused reality to hit him hard and he found himself wide awake night after night, dreams of Nick's death haunting him. The Kentuckian also found himself consistantly reading his Bible, trying desperately not to lose his faith. He was having trouble keeping it steady, trying hard to understand why God was robbing him of his best friend. And then there was the promises he had made to Nick that day, a few days after Dr. Peterson had delivered the news to them, he and Nick had been lounging about in Nick's hospital room, idly chatting when Nick had turned serious.

----Flashback----

"Seriously Frack! You gotta seem him do it! I swear, he loves the song!" Brian laughed as he leaned back in his seat, causing Nick to groan as he shook his head.
"Bri, no one loves that song."
"Baylee does. He lights up when it comes on, especially during your parts."
Nick rolled his eyes at the mention, coughing lightly.
"If you like it innovative, better get someone creative, honey yes, and if you want it to be jammin', better get somebody slammin', baby!" Brian sung, making Nick laugh as he watched his older friend dance around in the chair. "I don't even remember the lyrics anymore."
"Neither did I." Brian shrugged, "But Leigh keeps playing it for Baylee, so I've only heard it about a few hundred times in the last week."
"Get your son hooked on a different song Frick," The youth chuckled. "Preferrably one that's not so lame."
"It's not that bad." The southener sighed, relenting as Nick shot him a look, raising an eyebrow in question. "Okay, okay, it's that bad."
"Thank you."

The blonde pushed himself up slighty in the bed, letting out a deep sigh. "When can I go home?"
"You mean back to AJ's?" Brian shrugged again, smiling at Nick's grimace, "In a few more days bud. They wanna make sure you're okay."
"Okay?" Nick echoed, shaking his head. "I don't think I'll ever be okay again." He paused for a moment, picking at the blanket. "It's like, the odds just keep piling up against me. Like, I'm not supposed to get better, you know? My fate just isn't written for me like that."
"You can re-write fate Nicky."
"AJ said the same thing." The youth nodded, looking at Brian for a moment.
"Did he now?"
"He said we were proof of being able re-write fate and everything."
"He's got a point."
"AJ never has a point." Nick frowned, rolling his eyes dramatically. "I just...you know, I'm getting so tired of all this bullshit. For every step forward I take, I get shoved back three."
"You've gotta have f-"
"Faith." Nick cut in, "See, now, that's a funny word." He smiled at Brian who half smiled back, unsure of where the conversation was leading. "You keep telling me to have faith, you all do but I can tell you guys are losing yours."
"Nicky, we're not losing our faith."

"You are." The youth argued. "But it doesn't even matter. I think this is all gonna end soon anyways."
Brian felt a stab in his heart at the words and he felt his mouth run dry. It took him a moment to recover from his stupor before he leaned forward, gently hitting Nick on the arm to get his attention."Listen to me Nick," He began firmly. "How much does my friendship mean to you?"
Nick stared at him, frowing at the question."What are you trying-"
"How much does my friendship mean to you?" Brian repeated.
"It means everything to me Bri, you know that." The younger man answered softly.
"And do I keep my promises? Especially when I risk our friendship on them?"
"Yeah."
"Then I promise you Nicky, on our friendship, you WILL overcome this. All of it."
"No one can promise something like that to anyone."
"Like hell they can't. And I'm not just anyone, I'm me. Brian. The Frick to your Frack and this is MY promise to YOU." Brian's eyes were wide as he fixed his gaze on his best friend, his heart beating a mile a minute but his stare firm and defiante. They stayed looking at one another for a long time, before Nick finally moved, pulling Brian into a deep hug and burrying his head into the older man's shoulder. "Thank you." He had whispered, tears threatning to spill over their boundries. Brian had remained silent during the exchange, hugging Nick tightly, all the while wondering how he was going to keep his promise.

---End Flashback---

A loud honk startled Brian out of his thoughts and he jumped, his eyes shooting open to see the cars in front of him beginning to move forward quickly. Shaking off the chills that had just come over him, he took the car out of park, stomping on the gas and flying down the freeway.

~~~~

Nick sat silently on AJ's porch swing in the backyard, a thick blanket wrapped around his thinning frame. One foot lay tenderly tucked beneath his body, another dropped easily to the ground, moving every so often to push the swing back and forth. He watched the rain fall with rapt attention, a nameless tune slipping from between his slightly parted lips. A sketch book sat ready in his lap, a pencil tucked gently behind his ear. Nick glanced down at his half finished drawing with a small smile, sighing quietly. During the times he was well enough to do so, he had begun drawing again. He had thought often about goodbye writing letters to each of the guys but when he had attempted to do so, it just hadn't felt right. So, he had been drawing his goodbyes. In a large leather bound scrapbook he had had Kevin buy for him, he was slowly filling the pages with memories of lost time, pictures of their favorite moments and ideas of his very own. Nick had added inscriptions here and there, making funny comments and jokes about various events as well as mixing in heartfelt messages. It was the perfect combination, he thought, of everything he wanted or needed to say to his brothers. The only way he could thank them for everything they had done and the only way he could truly say goodbye.

"Goodbye." Nick breathed, letting his eyes slip shut as he thought things over. He was getting tired of the phrase, tired of the idea. All four of his bandmates had become so concerned he was going to just give up that they had begun to check him whenever he closed his eyes, just to make sure he was still breathing. It frustrated him to no end, partly because he was putting them through so much and partly because he wanted so desperately to go back to a time before all of this had begun. Nick no longer dwelled on the idea that his life would be ending soon, he didn't have the strength to. Instead, he continued on with his treatments, trying more so to comfort his friends with his slow progress than himself. Sleeping was also something he had given up on, at least, sleeping reguarly at night. He was constantly plagued with dreams of his death, dreams of his friends mourning over him, angry that he had caused them so much pain. Nick had learned the best way to get over the dreams was to avoid sleeping as much as possible, so he sat up at night, pouring his heart and soul into his sketchbook. Letting out a sigh, he broke himself out of his thoughts, closing his sketchbook as he shifted his postion, shivering slightly as the wind picked up. Stifiling a yawn, he slowly rose to his feet, heading into the house to find AJ.

Two months. Two months. AJ was staring at the calender in his office as he sat, sprawled in his recliner, his pencil tapping absently on the journal resting haphazardly on his chest. He was suppose to be concentrating on his song but his thoughts kept drifting, like they usually did.
"How time flies." The rebel muttered, rolling his eyes as he looked around the room. Normally, the passing days didn't bother him but ever since Nick had returned from the hospital, AJ found himself wishing he could grab time and freeze it. Every passing day to him meant one less day he might have left with Nick. The idea of losing Nick scared him more than he let on, but he refused to coddle the younger man, forcing himself instead, to keep a playful and familiar banter with Nick whenever he was with him. But it was AJ that saw him at his weakest moments, and AJ that sat up listening to Nick cry and beg God to let him live. He was the one that saw it all but he was the one that for all intense and purposes, still treated Nick the same. And he knew, on many levels, Nick was thankful for it. Directing his gaze downwards, he frowned at the lyrics written on the page, crossing a line out after a moment of thinking and scribbiling in something new.

A knock on the door made him look up, a smile darting onto his face as he spotted Nick. "Hey Kaos."
"Can I come in?"
"But of course." AJ gestured for the younger man to enter, watching as he plopped gently down on the sofa, holding tightly onto a blanket wrapped around his body. "Cold?"
"Naw." Nick shrugged, pointing to the journal. "Writing?"
"No dumbass, I'm playing a video game."
"I miss playing video games." The blonde pouted, causing AJ to chuckle at the remark and earning a glare from Nick. "Screw you dude, I do!"
"So then go play a video game."
"It makes me sick to my stomach."
"Laaaaaaaame." The older man whistled, shaking his head. "Really Nicky, that sucks."
"No shit." Nick snapped, rolling his eyes. "Where's Brian? Shouldn't he be here by now?"
"Getting bored of me?" AJ asked playfully, raising an eyebrow at his younger friend.
"Yeah." The youth answered faltly.
"Asshole."
"Fucker."
"Baby."
"Idiot."
"Dumbass."
"Meanie."
AJ laughed out loud at the last comment, sitting up and placing his journal on the table as he looked at Nick. "That's your comeback dude? Meanie?! Oh Nicky....I thought I raised you better than that." Nick said nothing, simply sticking his tongue out at the rebel, causing AJ to laugh even harder. "Another sign of maturity. Nicky, Nicky, Nicky, when will you grow up?"
"Never." The retort was said in fun but both men fell silent, knowing the hidden implications behind it. "I'm sorry." Nick said quickly, dropping his eyes downwards. AJ forced a smile onto his face, "About what?" He shrugged, forcing a smile onto his face. "It's all gravy baby."
He got to his feet as his cell phone rang, walking over and grabbing it off the desk. "Bone's house. Hey Rok, what up?" Nick watched his older friend for a moment before he sat up a bit, his gaze now landing on the journal that AJ had left on the table, wide open. "Uh huh....nope...sure....umm," AJ glanced back at Nick for a second before turning around so his back was to the younger man. "Okay, like usual, good and bad." Nick rolled his eyes at the commentary, knowing full well they were talking about him but his attention was on the song AJ had written and he couldn't help the small gasp that tumbled forth as he read the words.

"Brian is coming up the street." AJ announced, turning back around, his smile falling away as he spotted Nick, hunched over his journal.
"What the fuck Carter?!" In two steps he was in front of Nick, snatching up the journal quickly.
Nick simply gaped at him, his eyes wide. "Would you sing it?"
"What?"
"That song you wrote." Nick sighed, "Would you sing it for me?"
The older man's frown deepened at the request and he shook his head slowly. "It's not finished."
"I don't care."
"Nick-"
"Please AJ? I just wanna hear it." All it took was one look at Nick's face for AJ's guard to break and he let out a large sigh, causing a grin to break out on Nick's face. "Fine." AJ muttered, opening up the book to the page with the lyrics Nick had been reading. "I don't really have the right tune for it yet and it's not really finished but whatever, okay?"
"Sure." Nick watched as AJ took a deep breath, humming softly to himself before launching into the song.

It may not seem
Through the roles we sometimes assume
But here we all are
Standing right beside you
It's all been good
Mixed in with the bad

But our friendships prevail
Steady, strong and true
Catching you when you fall
Never turned away
A saving grace
Seeing you through another day

Chorus:
When ever you feel lost
We'll be your guiding light
Keeping you strong
Together we'll win this fight
And help you carry on
Don't be afraid
Call on a friend
Someone to help you make it
To your destined end

Like angels from the heavens above
Wanting to take the pain away
Take our hand
And you will find
A way to make it past yesterday

Chorus-repeat

Bridge:
I know things seem
So very hard right now
But there's a light at the end of every tunnel
A hope with every prayer
Laughter with sorrow
The promise of a new tomorrow
Just remember,

Chorus-repeat x2

AJ allowed the last note to slip into silence, opening his eyes to find Nick staring open mouthed at him and Brian standing in the doorway, tears slipping down his cheeks. Biting back a sigh, he smiled softly, "Hey Bri."
"Did you write that?" Brian whispered, stepping into the room, the questions posed as a greeting. "Yeah, he did." Nick answered, still gaping at AJ. "You know," He breathed looking at Brian for a moment before turning his gaze back to the rebel. "Things like that make me think that there's still a reason to have faith in this world." Brian bit his lip to keep from sobbing at the comment and even AJ turned away, trying to keep his compose. "Nicky-"
"Thank you Jay." The youth smiled, giving AJ a small pat on the knee.
AJ opened his mouth to comment on the matter, the ringing of Brian's cell phone slicing through the air. "Littrell. Oh hey Kev......what? You did?! Oh my God...no, I'm at AJ's.... okay.... okay.... okay.....bye." Brian snapped the phone shut with such force that he almost cracked it, not even noticing as he whipped around to face AJ and Brian. "That was Kevin."
"So we heard." AJ laughed, "What-"
"He found a doctor that can help Nick!" The Kentuckian rushed out, his face shining with happiness.
"No way!" AJ exclaimed. "Shit! That's great!"
"He's on his way over with Howie but oh God Nicky, maybe this means things are finally going to turn around!" Brian pulled Nick into a huge hug, and all Nick could do was smile himself, his eyes on the window, where he could have sworn he saw, breaking through the dreary clouds, there was the smallest ray of sunshine.
_____________________________

Entire add written by A-rok Obsession, so compliments (especially for the song) go to her!!

On their way over, Howie was staring at the horizon, thoughts racing through his mind at a mile a minute. So it seemed Kevin found some doctor to help Nick, but that was all he had been told when he was dragged to the car by the eldest. Howie glanced at Kevin, who had a huge grin on his face. He had never seen his eldest friend so excited in his entire life, his eyes sparkling with hope and his foot on the gas, determined to get to AJ’s as quickly as possible. Howie was glad to see him smiling again, but he himself couldn’t help thinking that maybe, just maybe there was nothing anyone could do to help his little brother regain control over his life. He was the quiet one, but that didn’t mean he cared any less or wasn’t worrying as much as the others. He kept his thoughts and worries to himself, not wanting to be a burden to any of the others, who were obviously just as exhausted.
He was always at work, at A.J’s or searching for anyone who could help Nick pull through, but when the 13th doctor told him there was nothing he could do, he lost hope and felt guilty for it ever since. Nick still had faith, but he had lost his, how could he honestly tell him everything was going to be okay when he no longer believed it himself? Howie let out a long sigh as he closed his eyes, thinking back to when everything was normal, if you could call it that with the lives they led.

About ten minutes later, Kevin snapped him out of his journey on Memory Lane, by yanking open the door on the passenger side. “D., we’re here. Come on!” He turned his head, nodded and slowly got out of the car while Kevin was already heading for the front door. As he was about to knock, it swung open. “Hey Kev, come on in!!” Brian greeted as he pulled his cousin into a quick hug. As the older man stepped in, Brian hugged Howie who had been standing right behind him, yet he was invisible to the Kentuckian’s eye because of his small posture.

Kevin had already found the other two, who were still in A.J.’s studio waiting for his arrival. The rebel was sitting across from the couch on which the youngest was asleep. Not even the excitement of Kevin’s message earlier, could keep him awake since he hadn’t slept during the night. His body was weak and needed every minute of sleep it could get, but the nightmares were all the motivation Nick needed to try and stay awake. Kevin glanced at A.J. who slowly shook his head, telling him their friend wasn’t feeling well that day. Worry crept onto Kevin’s features, as he gently lifted Nick’s legs, sat down and placed them on top of his own. He had lost so much weight that Kevin could now easily carry him if he wanted to. Even though his touch had been gentle, it woke Nick from his sleep. His eyes fluttered for a moment before he looked at the eldest who was watching him shiver. Brian noticed, walked out of the studio, grabbed a thick blanket from the hall closet and when he returned, covered Nick’s body.

“Hey Nicky, how did you sleep?” Brian softly asked, relieved to see him awake.
“Okay, I guess.” He coughed as he tried to smile at his friends. Seeing the relief in the eyes of his friends, was painful, because it made perfectly clear what could happen soon if they wouldn’t find a cure. He could die, and the thought alone was enough to make him shiver. “Hey D., hey Kev..”
“Hey buddy!!” D. replied as happily as he could, forcing himself to smile as he sat down on the chair next to A.J. who hadn’t said a word ever since he walked in. Brian sat down on the floor in front of Nick, waiting impatiently for his cousin to fill them in on the situation.

“So Kev, what-”
“I think I found someone who can help us, guys.” He always spoke of ‘us’ or ‘we’, trying to make it absolutely clear that Nick wasn’t in this alone, that they were always there with him every step of the way. And he knew the youngest appreciated it, because it also made it seem as if he wasn’t the only one who was fighting for his life, they were all figthing the same for the same cause. “There’s just one little thing. I wouldn’t call it a problem though, but it is something we must take into consideration.” He paused for a second, looking at his four friends, his brothers.
“Spill it, Kev. What is it?! I’ll do whatever it takes.” Brian looked at Nick and smiled at him, knowing he would literally do whatever it took to help his Frack become his old self again. “I know, cuz. So will I. Nick, the doctor who can help us, she’s not from the US.”
“So? As long as she doesn’t speak Alien, I don’t care.” A.J. replied as he shrugged.
“She doesn’t live here either.” Kevin continued after smiling at the rebel. “We’ll have to fly overseas to see her. Dr. S-sc-schagen, or however you should pronounce it, works at the Erasmus Medical Center, an academic hospital in Rotterdam, which is in the Netherlands.”

The other four looked at Kevin in surprise, but it was Nick who spoke up, being his usual self.
“That’s in that country.. what’s it called.. Amsterdam, right?”
The other four bursted into laughter, which got them a puzzled look from the youngest, who had no idea that he had just made the same mistake he made a few years earlier when they did a concert in the same country. “What did I say now?” he questioned.
A.J. was laughing so hard that he had to catch his breath before he could answer the question.
“Amsterdam, dumbass, is the capital of HOLLAND, also know as The Netherlands!!”
_________________________

So it was another short chap.. please forgive us.. *lol*
I forgot to mention that acutally there was a huge breakthrough made on cancerresearch in the Netherlands recently,
and I think that even was in that medical center..
In case you forgot, Nijntje is from the Netherlands..

AJ sat curled up in a large, plush, navy blue recliner stationed in the far corner of the spacious bedroom. Hidden in the shadows, there was no need for sunglasses or a hat, his expressions unreadable; masked by the darkness cast upon him. Brown eyes stared intently straight ahead, practically unwavering as they watched the object placed before them with rapt attention. Silence overwhelmed the room, broken only occasionally by lights coughs erupting from Nick who lay tucked in between the light blue sheets, sound asleep. The youth would toss and turn every so often, mumbled pleas falling away from his lips when he found himself trapped in a nightmare, inner demons threatening to break his weakend resolve and pry him from the soothing arms of slumber. It was when this would occur, that AJ would quietly slip from his seat, walking over to the bed and perching his narrow frame next to Nick's sleeping form. Reaching out a hand, he would gently stroke the younger man's back, soothing words being whispered until Nick would fall silent, his breathing heavy and ensuring the rebel that he had escaped his dreams for another night. Only then would AJ return to his position, watching his younger brother sleep from a distance.

It was a routine AJ had established not long after Nick had moved in with him and he had discovered the youth's battle with his dreams. The older man helped when he could, knowing well enough the times to leave Nick alone to fight his own battles. He tried to make sure Nick never saw him, unsure of how the younger man would react if he did. The rebel's behavior was uncharacteristic, showcasing a side of him that many were not privy to. An attitude that displayed his compassion, protection and love for his younger brother and a role that AJ fulfilled with all his being; frightened that if he didn't now, he may never get the chance to down the road.

The comfort ran two ways, however, and there were many nights, such as tonight, where watching Nick sleep brought reassurance to the rebel. Although he would never actually admit to the others how scared he was of losing Nick, there were times where the fear of losing his younger friend wrapped AJ up so tightly he found himself almost unable to breathe. And during those moments, he would soundlessly slip into Nick's room, an air of calmness rushing over him as he would simply sit and watch Nick sleep. The comfort brought forth by seeing the gentle rise and fall of the youth's chest while he slept astounded AJ during the times he really thought about it, floored by the fact that he sought refuge in something so simple, so basic. But he always reminded himself how much the times had changed. AJ no longer took anything for granted.

Tonight, he found himself unable to shake the uneasiness that had settled in the pit of his stomach, the sinking sensation that burst forth everytime someone had mentioned this new doctor for Nick. While AJ was ecstatic over the idea of finding a cure for Nick, he couldn't help but think they were just setting themselves up for another big disappointment. What exactly made this doctor so different from all the others? They had failed at finding someone to help the youth at least a dozen times already, could they really handle another failure? Kevin's information hadn't provided him with much solace, the eldest having little details on the treatment or the doctor. What if nothing worked? Could Nick hadle another let down? AJ knew as much as Nick showcased his stronger side, that the younger man was growing increasingly tired of fighting. He had expressed his doubts many times to AJ in the past months, unsure of why he was still trying to prevent what now seemed inevitable.

Most of the time, the older man found himself at a loss for words, unsure of what to tell his younger bandmate. Why WAS Nick still fighting? For himself? For them? For the fans? For who? It didn't seem fair anymore; to Nick or to any of them. This was breaking them all down, piece by piece and with each passing day, AJ found himself wondering if they'd all make it through, despite Nick's outcome. Letting out a small sigh, AJ shook his head, trying to clear the present thoughts from his mind. Squinting at his watch, he got to his feet as he stretched, realizing he should head back to the rest of his friends. Making his way to the door, he pulled it open slowly, glancing at Nick for a second and sighing again before shutting the door behind him and walking to the living room where he found Kevin, Howie and Brian all scattered amongst the furniture. The light tapping of the rain against the house and the slow crackling of the fire seemingly echoing throughout the quiet room.

"Hey fellas."
"Hey." Howie was the only one who looked up, Kevin flipping idly through a magazine and Brian messing with his cell phone. "We made java, hope you don't mind." The Latino smiled, gesturing to his cup of coffee before blowing on it softly and taking a sip.
"Since when do I ever?" AJ shrugged, falling onto the couch, across from Kevin. "What have you all been up to?"
"Waiting for you." Kevin replied lowly, his face still hidden behind the magazine. "Where have you been?"
"In my study." AJ replied with a small sigh. "I was working on a song." The answer was a lie but AJ had become accustomed to lying to his friends about the time he spent with Nick. The rebel's softer side was something he preferred to keep to himself.
"Where's Frack?" Brian asked softly, shoving his cell phone into his pocket and glancing over at AJ.
"He's in his room, sleeping."
"Is he actually alseep though?" The Kentuckian frowned. "I mean, I know he's been having trouble sleeping lately. Maybe I should go check on him."
"He's fine Rok. I just peeked in on him before I came out here." Brian nodded but still rose to his feet, dusting off his pants. "That's fine but I still would feel better if I checked on him."
"Bri," Howie sighed, setting his coffee down. "If AJ says he's okay, I'm sure he's fine. Let him sleep."
"I'm not gonna wake him up. I just wanna make sure he's okay."
"For heaven's sake Brian, sit down!" Kevin snapped, throwing the magazine onto the table as he rolled his eyes, glaring at his younger cousin. "If Bone says Nicky is fine, he's fine. I'm sure AJ would know better out of all of us anyways."

Anger and hurt flashed across Brian's face at Kevin's comment, a large frown breaking out onto his face as he slowly sunk back down into his seat. "We need to get the details for this trip planned out anyways. I-"
"What exactly do you mean by that comment Kev?"
"By WHAT comment?" The eldest muttered, trying to keep his patience in check.
"That AJ would know better than any of us about Nicky." AJ fought the urge to roll his eyes and even Howie seemed to fight off an air of exasperation. "I spend just as much time with Nick as AJ does. Why would he suddenly know more about him than I would?"
"Maybe because I'm with the kid almost 24/7?" AJ answered, giving up the fight and rolling his eyes. "Or maybe because I've seen him at his worst moments and his weakest times?"
"So have I!" Brian protested angrily. "I've been there EVERY step of the way! No less than you have!"
"You're blowing things out of proportion Brian." Kevin stated, rising to his feet and shoving his hands deep into his pocket as he looked at the younger man. "We have more important things to discuss."

"This IS important! I'm Nick's BEST FRIEND! Why is AJ suddenly all wise and mighty when it comes to him?"
"Would you just DROP IT?!" AJ snapped, sitting forward as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Jesus, FUCKING christ Brian! Who gives a damn? I'm SICK and TIRED of you treating Nick like he's some fucking prize the two of us are competing over! Grow the hell up!"
"I do NOT-"
"Like hell you don't! The younger man exclaimed. "Or why else would you throw a fit over what Kevin said?"
"I'm his BEST FRIEND! I care about him just as much as YOU do!" The Kentuckian yelled, his face red with anger.
"No one doubts how much you care about Nicky, Brian." Howie expressed with a small smile. "We all know how much he means to you."
"Then why-"
"That's IT!" Kevin yelled, shaking his head as he threw his arms out. "No! Brian, shut-up!" He directed when Brian opened his mouth to speak again. "Now listen to me-"
"This isn't a fucking contest Littrell." AJ interjected, glaring at the older man. "Get your head out of your fucking ass and open up your eyes."
"AJ, keep your mouth shut."
"No! Fuck you Kevin! This is between your cousin and I." His gaze traveled back to Brian and he took in a small breath. "I'm NOT competing with you for Nick. I don't give a damn how much time you spend with him. You're NOT here all the time. Think whatever the hell you want Brian but you have NOT seen him at his weakest moments. You haven't seen him at his worst-"
"How the hell would you know-"
"Did I fucking look like I was finished talking?"
"Did I look like I cared?" Brian shot, rolling his eyes as he got to his feet. AJ got up from his seat as well, both men standing in front of one another, eyes blazing.
"You're treading on dangerous turf Littrell." The rebel almost growled, his fists balled at his sides. "Back the fuck off."
"Watch it AJ," The older man hissed, "I'm not about to take this all to stride."
"You don't even know what you're talking about."
"And you do?"

"Guys knock it off!" Howie demanded, standing up and placing himself between his two friends. He gave AJ a small shove back and then Brian. "Do you guys even hear yourselves? This is so stupid! You're fighting over who cares about Nick more!"
"No, Brian is fighting about who cares about Nick more." AJ corrected with a roll of his eyes as he took a step back. "All I'm trying to do is make him take his fat head out of his ass."
"Screw you McLean."
"Bite me."
"That's ENOUGH." Kevin snapped, "This is fucking ridiculous. And it's ending right NOW."
"Tell that to your cousin."
"AJ if you even open your mouth again, so help me god I'll kick your ass."
"Whaaaaaatever." The younger man shrugged, sitting down with a huff.
"I just wanted to-"
"The same goes for your Brian." Kevin muttered. "Drop it. NOW." Brian rolled his eyes as he retreated back to his seat, plopping down with a scowl. "You blew this whole thing out of the water and it's comepletely unecessary. Get a fucking grip." Running a hand through his hair, Kevin tugged on it for a moment before taking a deep breath. "What we should be talking about, is this trip to see this doctor."
"Which I was all for until a certain asshole opened his big-"
"SHUT IT AJ!"
"Jay, just keep your mouth shut, would you?" The Latino pleaded, sitting down next to his younger friend. "You're gonna make Kev kill you."
"Okay. Okay." Aj relented, putting his hands up in a 'meant no harm' gesture. "I'm shutting up now."
"Alright look, as we talked about before, I don't really have a lot of information on this whole deal. The point of the trip over to Holland is to see what this person can do for Nicky."

"And if they can't do anything?" Howie shot AJ a look who shrugged his shoulders. "Look, I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but I've been thinking fellas. I mean, what makes this doctor different from the other hundreds we've tried?"
"That's why we're going." Kevin sighed, "To find out."
"But wouldn't it just be easier to talk to them first?" Brian put in, "I mean, I've actually been thinking the same thing. What if this is just a big wash?"
"Exactly." The rebel nodded. "I don't know if Nick could handle another let down."
"I don't know if any of us can." Howie breathed, shutting his eyes for a moment.
"We have to try." The eldest whispered, his voice shaky. "We HAVE to."
"It's not that I don't want to Kev, I'm just....skeptical, I guess."
"It doesn't matter AJ." Kevin shook his head. "We have to make an effort to try and get him better. That's all there is to it. I've made flight plans for the five of us to fly out the day after tomorrow. We're set to be there for a week, longer if needed."
"The five of us?" Brian echoed. "All of us are going? I thought just you and Nicky were going."
"Why would just Nick and I go?" Kevin frowned. "I figured everyone would want to come."
"What about Kris, Leigh and Baylee?"
"Brian, what about them?"
"I just thought...I mean, how come you didn't book them tickets too?"
"Uh, maybe because there's no need for them to come?" AJ tried, his anger flaring back up again.
"Watch it there AJ, that's my family you're talking about."
"And so is Nick! God, Brian, how thick can you be tonight, huh?"
"Don't even start that bull crap with me again."
"I'll start whatever the fuck I want!"
"Brian, AJ, don't even START." Kevin warned, his eyes narrowed as he looked at the two men. "I swear to fucking god-"
"SHUT UP KEVIN!" The two men yelled in unison before beginning to fight all over again.

~~~~

Nick sat awake in the large bed, his eyes roughly shut ashe tried to block out the screaming and yelling coming from the other room. The youth had woken up to the argument almost 20 minutes earlier, listening with shame and anger as Brian and AJ fought over who cared for him more. What was he doing to his friends?

"Breaking them apart." Nick had whispered to himself, hugging his knees to his chest as he had tried his best not to cry. This wasn't the first time an argument over him had taken place and it killed Nick every time it happened. He couldn't stand seeing or hearing his friends argue over him. Couldn't take the way this was tearing everyone apart. Pushing himself out of bed, he got to his feet, swaying for a moment as dizziness threatened to pull him down. Letting loose a deep breath, he continued to move across the room, soon exiting it and coming to a stop in the doorway of the living room. All four of his brothers were on their feet, each of them yelling. Brian and AJ looked livid as they screamed at one another, Kevin and Howie surrounding them and yelling just as loud.

"Stop it." Nick breathed, his voice breaking as he watched them. Clenching his eyes shut, he wished with all his might he could rewind time; take them back to a moment when none of this existed. To a place where everything was fine again and he wasn't destroying the four people he loved more than anything else in the world. "Stop it, stop it..." He chanted, his manatra growing louder each time as he pressed his hand over his ears, "Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!" The younger man's voice was feeble and low but it snapped through the room, causing all four men to lapse into immediate silence. "STOP IT! STOP FIGHTING! STOP!" Nick's last plea broke into a cough, his body shaking as he fought to contain himself.
"Look what you did!" AJ accused, shoving Brian out of the way as he ran over to Nick. "Take it easy man, just breathe. Like always, just breathe." It took Nick a moment to regain his control, taking in a shaky breath as he stood up straight, his eyes dull but angry.

"We didn't mean to wake you Frack." Brian sighed, running a hand over his face.
"Really? Because yelling tends to wake people." Nick responded with a roll of his eyes.
"Nicky-"
"It doesn't even matter Kev. I heard everything."
"Nick-"
"No. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you guys fighting."
"It was just something stupid Nick, nothing important." Howie mumbled, shaking his head. "Really."
"Like I said D, it doesn't matter."
"Why don't you sit down?" Kevin suggested, walking over to the youngest man and looping an arm around his shoulder, guiding him to the couch.
"Frack about me going with you to see this doctor," Brian started with a small sigh,
"Shut the hell up Brian."
"Frick...you don't have to come. None of you do."
"Of course we do." AJ countered, sitting down next to Nick. The youth shook his head, a small smile gracing his lips before falling away. "No, you don't. Because I've decided," Nick paused for a moment, coughing slightly before looking at each on his friends before continuing. "I've decided I'm not going."

“Nick-”
“It’s no use, Kevin.”
“You don’t know that Nicky.You have to go see her. You HAVE to try.”
Nick glanced at the other three men before he looked Kevin straight in the eyes again, feeling a lump was making it harder to express the devastation he was feeling, now that he realised Kevin was no longer speaking of ‘us’ or ‘we’. It made him feel as if he was now fighting this battle against cancer all by himself. “What happened to ‘we’, Kev?” he whispered as tears filled his eyes. Hearing those words coming from the one that had been through so much lately broke Kevin’s heart. He pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back as he was thinking of something encouraging to tell Nick who was now softly crying with his head buried in Kevin’s shoulder. His mind was blank and before he knew it, he said the words none of them had expected him to say. “I don’t know, Nicky.. I don’t know.” In the process he shot his cousin a look that could be explained as one filled with anger, hurt or maybe a mixture of those emotions.

Brian felt his cousin’s gaze, but the shame was so overwhelming that he didn’t dare to look at anyone right now. Instead he kept his gaze on the carpet while fiddling with one of the coasters A.J. bought, but never ever used. He let his best friend down, just like he had when Nick just confided in them. And this time, his behavior couldn’t be explained as caused by shock, this time it was purely his ego, his selfishness. He fucked up, again. A.J. was right, Nick was family too, but instead he acted as if he wasn’t his best friend. Those things he said made it seem Nick was nothing more than an acquaintance.
It wouldn’t kill him if he didn’t see his wife and son for a week. Seven days without them wasn’t something he’d enjoy, but if Nick decided to go through with the treatment, he could always have them fly over if Leighanne was okay with that. For Nick on the other hand, that trip over to the Netherlands could be his last chance to regain control over his life, to beat this disease that was slowly dragging him towards the end.
Those seven days could make the difference between the two of them pulling pranks on the others for another fifty years, or him paying visits to Nick’s grave. And here he was, fighting over bringing his family along to Europe and yelling and screaming over who cared about Nick more. Brian carefully glanced at Nick whose crying was muffled by Kevin’s sweater. He knew now that A.J. was right, it wasn’t him who had seen Nick during the weakest of times and he sure as hell wasn’t the one who cared the most. How could he be when he was acting like this, like a first-class asshole??

Howie snapped him out of his thoughts by harsly hitting him on his back. “Brian, studio, NOW!” the Latino snapped. Brian winced in pain, but knew better than to start arguing all over again, so he slowly got to his feet and followed his friend over to A.J.’s studio. Howie waited for him to enter and then closed the door behind the Kentuckian. When he turned around to look at Brian, his eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms in front of his chest. “What the HELL were you thinking out there, Brian?!”
Brian didn’t answer. He just stood there, hands shoved in his pockets, gaze directed at the floor, fighting with everything in his might to stay calm. Since he was in deep thought, he didn’t notice Howie walking up to him and never saw the shove he gave him coming. As he stumbled backwards while trying to prevent himself from falling, his eyes met Howie’s, that were blazing with fury. The thought that his friend wasn’t acting like his patient, kind self crossed Brian’s mind and he was just about to tell him to back off, when Howie repeated his question, followed by: “So?! What the FUCK is wrong with you Brian?!”

Brian shook his head as he ran his fingers through his hair. “Don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Too bad, you’re gonna have to.” Howie again crossed his arms before his chest and started tapping his right foot in an impatient manner. Brian didn’t like the way he was being spoken to and felt anger flaring up again as he looked at Howie who was no longer the calm, quiet man he knew him to be. “And you’re gonna make me?!” he sarcastically replied.
“Yes, I am.” The Latino now calmly stated. “Cause if you don’t get yourself together right now and start realising that you’re destroying Nicky’s will to fight.. I swear to God, I’ll make sure he’ll never have to put up with your behavior again.”
Brian’s eyes went wide at the comment as he tried to figure out what exactly Howie was talking about. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he yelled as he walked up to him, his arms also crossed in front of his chest and his eyes spatting fire.
“I’ll make sure he never has to put up with YOU again!!” Howie replied, while planting his right index finger on Brian’s chest. “Get a grip or face the fact that you won’t see Nick anymore. I won’t let you..”

Brian was gaping at Howie, his blue eyes searching Howie's brown, desperately trying to gauge the validity in the older man's words. "Y-you couldn't." The Kentuckian finally concluded, shaking his head as he took a small step back. "You couldn't."
"Keep up your bullshit attitude and just watch me." Howie challenged, his arms still crossed defiantly against his chest. "God Brian, I don't understand you!" He broke his stance as he threw his arms up in the air in exasperation, gesturing to Brian as he spoke. "This is already SO damn hard on everyone, why are you being such an ass about it?! Who CARES if AJ spends more time with Nicky? It shouldn't matter!"

"It does matter! It matters to me!" Brian cried in defense, raking a hand through his hair.
"WHY? Why is it so important to you?"
"I don't...I don't know."
Howie rolled his eyes at the answer, stepping back a bit and leaning against the wall behind him. "You have to know Brian. That's crap."
"I-I just-"
"Just what Brian? What?"
"I don't want Nick to die thinking AJ was his best friend!" The younger man finally shouted, his chest heaving as he clenched his fists at his side. "AJ is NOT Nick's best friend! I AM! He never gave a DAMN about Nick and suddenly he's his best buddy?! I've been there for EVERYTHING! I REFUSE to have AJ suddenly take my place! He's not good enough for Nick! He's NOT!"
Howie's eyes had gone wide at the confession, his mouth dropping open as he simply stared. "You-"

"You're unbelievable." Brian jumped at the voice, his gaze whipping to around the room to find Kevin leaning against the door-frame, his face painted with anger. The eldest was in front of Brian in two steps, his emerald gaze blazing. "You have a LOT of nerve saying that Brian." He growled.
"I can say-" The younger man's sentence was cut off as Kevin gave him a hard shove, causing Brian to stumble back into the bookshelf behind him, a few items falling to the floor with a crash as the fixture shook. "What the h-"
"I'm only going to say this one time Littrell, so you better get it through your thick mind." Kevin was almost on top of Brian, standing so close that Brian could smell the coffee on his breath as he spoke. "This. Is. NOT. About. YOU." With every word, Kevin jabbed his finger into the younger man's chest, "GROW the FUCK up. Your behavior tonight was unacceptable and I WILL NOT tolerate it again."

"Kev, calm down." Howie was sighing as he watched the exchange between the two cousins. "Just take it easy."
"What you just said about AJ was completely out of line Brian and if I EVER hear it slip out of you again, I will kick your ass. Do you not understand how difficult this is on ALL of us? Goddammit, do you WANT Nick to die? DO YOU?! Because you may get your wish awfully soon if you keep up this selfish, BULLSHIT behavior you got going on! I have NEVER been so disgusted by you!"
"I-"
"Brian don't." The Latino interjected, moving closer to his two bandmates with another sigh. "I think you should just go home for now."
"But Nick...I wanted to-"
"But nothing." Kevin snapped. "You've done enough damage to Nick tonight Littrell. Just get the hell out of here." Brian looked quickly at Howie who simply nodded, then to his cousin who still stood before him, anger rolling off of him in waves.

"Okay." He finally relented, side stepping the older man, "Okay." Walking across the room, he stopped in front of the door, pulling it open slowly with a sigh. "I just..." Brian trailed off with another sigh, shaking his head. "I-I'm sorry."
"I don't care." The older cousin muttered. "Sorry isn't going to fix the damage you've caused. I don't think you should even bother coming on this trip to see the doctor."
"Nick agreed to go?" Howie asked suddenly, his voice laced with surprise.
Kevin nodded, "AJ talked him into it."
Shooting a glare at Brian he rolled his eyes, "Seems to me, the only one not good enough for Nick right now is you." Tears welled up in Brian's eyes at the accusation and he blinked harshly trying to keep them back. Opening and closing his mouth, he tried to get a reply out, only ending up shaking his head again as he left the room, practically running through the house and out the front door.
Rain hit him immediately as he stood before his car, his hands shaking as he unlocked the vehicle, shoving the key into the ignition and peeing out of AJ's driveway. He was halfway down the street before he broke, pulling the car over as he laid his head on the steering wheel.
"Oh god, what have I done?" He whispered, his voice cracking as he began to sob.

~~~~

"That was harsh Kev." Howie was sighing as the two men walked from the studio to the main room.
Kevin shrugged, his hands deep in his pockets. "It was the truth."
"Yeah but Bri-"
"Howie, I really don't give a damn about Brian right now, okay? I don't. All I want to do is figure things out with Nicky, just drop the shit with Brian."
"Alright. Consider it dropped." The Latino plopped down on the couch after Kevin, rubbing a hand over his face. "So what went on with Nicky?"
"He cried for a bit. He's getting tired of all this, you know? I mean, we all are but he thinks it's all his fault."
"Poor kid."
"Yeah. Thing is, he isn't even mad at Brian. He said he understood everything Brian was saying, at least, the part about Leigh and what not. I don't know how much he heard about AJ versus Brian but it doesn't matter, that's all crap anyways."
"I dunno Kev. I can kind of see where Brian's coming from. I mean, some of the things he said about Jay were totally out of line but, I guess I can see his point."
"He needs to grow up D." Kevin said with a shake of his head. "Like AJ said, this isn't a contest. I realize how close Brian feels to Nick but it shouldn't matter if AJ spends more time with him or not. That's such a trivial thing."
"I-"

"Nick's finally asleep." AJ announced as he came sauntering into the room, cutting off Howie. "Where's the asshole?"
"Brian went home."
"Good. I was gonna kick him out anyways." The rebel huffed as he fell into the arm chair across from the couch. "He fucked the kid up, you know. Now Nick wants to move back into his house."
"This is ridiculous." The eldest mumbled, shutting his eyes for a moment with a large sigh. "You know, sometimes I think it would have just been easier to have Nick stay at a hospital."
"We couldn't have just left him there." Howie pointed out. "You know that."
"Of course I know that. I mean, yeah, that's why he's here." Kevin gestured. "But still."
"Naw, I know how you feel." AJ nodded, yawning for a moment. "It's tough. But at least he agreed to go see this doctor."
"Yeah, maybe an end to all this is near."
"I wouldn't start getting that excited D." The youngest man warned, "I still think this could be just another dead end."
"Or maybe this is our needle in a hay stack." Howie shot back. "It never hurts to try."
"Hell yes it does. Look at us, we're falling apart! And we fall apart more and more every time we try!"
"AJ-"
"Forget it Kev." AJ sighed, waving his hand in Kevin's direction. "It's late. Are you guys staying here?"
The two men glanced at one another before shaking their heads. "We should head home to pack." Kevin stated, rising to his feet and watching Howie do the same. Aj got to his feet as well, walking both men to the door. "I'll call you tomorrow with all the flight info."
"Is the prick coming?"
"I told him not to." The eldest frowned. "I don't know if he'll actually show up."
"If he knows what's best for him, he won't." AJ muttered. "I'll catch you all later."
He received hugs from both men as they left, shutting the door and letting out a large breath. "God we're fucked."

Kevin, Howie, AJ and Nick all sat silently in the VIP room at Orlando's airport, all of them lost in their own thoughts as the waited for the minutes to tick on. Their plane was scheduled to depart in a little more than 1 hour, all of them having arrived early as per the instructions for flying international. The lounge was empty as requested by Kevin, nothing aside from Nick's gentle snores and the quiet TV in the corner making any noise. The youth sat stretched across 4 or 5 seats, his head resting in Kevin's lap as he slept, a thin blanket draped over his frame. Howie and Aj sat opposite the pair, the older of the two busying himself with a book while AJ simply sat, watching Nick sleep and letting his mind wander. Kevin's eyes were focused idly on the TV, not really paying attention to what was on it. Brian hadn't bothered to contact any of them in the last two days and the eldest now felt a small sense of guilt over what he had said to his younger cousin. Several times he had picked up the phone to apologize, but every time he had convinced himself otherwise, figuring that if anyone should make the first move, it should be Brian, not him. Letting out a long sigh, he looked down at the sleeping blonde in his lap, gently running his fingers down the younger man’s face. Nick had already asked him twice where Brian was. Kevin was unsure of what to tell him, simply stating that Brian was probably on his way. He knew Nick probably figured Brian wasn’t coming, since after the second response he had stopped asking but Kevin could see the disappointment in his younger friend’s eyes. As much as Nick had brushed them all off about coming, he knew perfectly well how much support the youth needed.

“Where the fuck are you Brian?” He breathed, his green eyes glancing at the door and then his watch.
“You really think he’s not gonna show?” AJ asked softly, hearing Kevin’s question as he looked at his eldest friend.
“I don’t know.”
“You told him not to come.” Howie sighed, glancing up from his book. “What did you expect?”
“For him to come!” The older man muttered with exasperation. “He should know how much this means to Nicky.”
“You’re impossible Kev.” The Latino grumbled, returning his eyes to his book. “You can’t chew someone out, tell them not to come then expect them to show up anyways.”
“Sure you can.” AJ smiled. “Life is retarded like that.”
“Oh yeah, now that’s a fortune cookie saying to live by.” Howie rolled his eyes, quickly shutting his book and setting it down. “Why don’t you just call him?”
“Because he was the one that fucked up?”
“I didn’t ask you AJ.”
“Because he’s the one that fucked up.” Kevin repeated with a small smile. “I think it should be up to him to try and redeem himself. Not the other way around.”
“I’m sure he knows he made a mistake Kev.”
“Then he should be the one to call and say so Howie.” The eldest shrugged. “Its simple.”
“It’s a matter of pride, is what it is.”
“So what? And besides, we still have time for him to show up.”

“Attention ladies and gentlemen, flight 6841 will now be departing at 12:30 instead of 1:15. Once again, flight 6841 will now depart at 12:30.”
Nick awoke with a start at the announcement, his eyes shooting open as he sat up quickly. “Whas goin on?” He mumbled, blinking quickly.
“Apparently we’re leaving earlier now.” AJ sighed, glancing at his ticket before shooting Kevin a look. The older man let out a long sigh, glaring at his younger friend.
“What time?”
“In like 30 minutes. We board in like 10.”
“Is Brian here?” All three men fell silent at the question as Nick looked around, his expression showing disappointment almost at once. “Oh.”
“I’m sure he’s coming Nicky.”
“I doubt it D.” The youth mumbled with a shake of his head. “S’okay. He has his family to think about.”
“That’s such bullshit.” AJ hissed, rolling his eyes as Howie smacked him from behind. “Shut up about it Jay.” The older man shot, “Just drop it.”
Kevin was watching the conversation silently, finally letting out a large breath and getting to his feet. “We should head to the gate.” He suggested, picking up his bag and hoisting it onto his shoulder. “You good to go baby?”
“Fine.” The blonde nodded, getting to his feet slowly. Howie and AJ all rose as well, grabbing their items before following Kevin out of the room. The area of the airport they were in was practically deserted, only private flights allowed to depart from the particular terminal. Reaching the gate, Kevin walked up to the ticket counter, greeting the woman and handing over all of the tickets.
“You all can go ahead and board.” She smiled, pointing to the entryway. “The captain just has a few things to modify before he’s ready to take off.”
“Thank you.” Kevin beckoned the others to follow, entering the plane quickly and getting situated. The aircraft was relatively small, 6 seats and a table scattered throughout the cabin. Each seat had a small TV situated in front of it and the table had a bench seat behind it, easily allowing four more people to sit down. Kevin took the seat closest to the captain’s entryway, Howie across from him. AJ plopped down behind Kevin and Nick behind Howie, all of them tossing their bags on the floor.

“Nice.” AJ nodded. “Not as nice as the 100 hour tour plane but nice.”
“I don’t think we’ll ever have another plane an nice as that one.” Nick chuckled, adjusting his hat. “But this one is cool.”
“It’s nice, yeah.” Kevin opened his mouth to comment, immediately distracted by the arguing he had started to hear.
“Sir! Sir I can’t have you board this plane! It’s a private flight! SIR!” They could hear the flight attendants yelling. Kevin was out of his seat in an instant, ready to do whatever he needed to do to make sure his friends stayed safe. “Call security!”
“There’s no need for security!” Came the response, “I already told you why I was here!” A man quickly entered the cabin, his face slightly hidden in the shadows as he set his bags down. “I’m sorry I’m late…” Recognition dawned on all four men and this time AJ jumped out of his seat, his eyes narrowed.“It’s about fuckin time Brian.”

The plane ride was relatively silent, all five men caught up in their own thoughts. While the appearance of Brian had lightened everyone's mood, none of them were prepared to talk about the disaster that had taken place at A.J.'s house a few nights earlier.
Brian had tried to apporach the subject with each of his friends, coming away empty handed as the conversations continually swayed off into idle small talk. He had given up eventually, settling for the light banter but making a mental note to sit down and talk to each of his friends before the trip was over.

The night he had gotten home from A.J.'s, he had found Leighanne waiting up for him, her smile immediately falling away when she got a look at his bloodshot eyes. Breaking down once more, he had explained the entire situation to her. She had stayed quiet throughout the explanation, only speaking once she was sure he had finished.Gently but firmly, she had pointed out what he had done wrong, siding with Kevin's argument and asking him why he had thrown such a fit.

“I don't know if they'll ever forgive me Leigh.”
“You've got to try honey.”
“I know but the things I said...I was horrible.”
“You need to apologize Brian, you know you were wrong. Explain what happened, what was going through your mind when you said those things. They're your best friends, I'm sure they'll understand.”
“And this trip?”
“You have to go Bri. Kevin was right, this isn't about you, or me or Baylee. This is about Nick and right now, he's the one that needs you.”
“But-”
“Nick needs you Brian. Go. Go for as long as you need to. We'll be right here when you come back and they do have phones over there, don’t they?” she smiled.
A sad smile appeared on Brian’s face as nodded, then a picture of him and Nick that stood on the mantlepiece caught his eye. The good old days.. He let out a long sigh, scared that those days would never return, even if Nick would pull through. These last months had put such a strain on their friendship that he wondered if they’d ever be as close as they once were..

“Honey, is there something you’re not telling me?”
“No..”
“Then why are you biting your nails?”
“I am.. it’s just.. I don’t know..” Brian closed his eyes as he rubbed his face, trying to once again block out the thoughts that kept him awake so many nights, but they never stopped haunting him, day and night. Biting his nails was something he still did whenever he was upset. Leighanne always noticed, feeling something was wrong and he could never keep it from her since she read him like an open book.
“What is it, Brian?”
“I don’t think I can handle another disappointment, Leigh.. I can’t be there when she tells him there’s nothing she can do for him. I can’t..I’m not that strong.. I p-promised him he’d make it..I-I can’t face him when she tells him he won’t.. I-”, he tried to hold back the tears as a lump formed in his throat. “I can’t be there when he dies..”he choked out the last words as tears began to stream down his cheeks again, feeling guilty for even having the thought that his best friend might not pull through.

He had wanted to call them, but decided against it every single time. Kevin had sent him an
e-mail with the flight information and the announcement that a ticket would be waiting for him at the airport, but the underlying tone was cold, distant and business-like. Brian was scared that if he called him, he’d once again tell him not to bother joining them. Leave it up to Kevin to still send the information so he wouldn’t look like a jerk himself, but telling his cousin he was when he would still join them on this trip.

Nick.. More than anything he had wanted to talk to him, but knew it was a mission impossible since A.J. always answered the phone. Brian knew better than to sort things out with him over the phone, they’d end up arguing again since they’d keep up their attitude. Another disaster was the last thing the five of them needed right now.
Howie, he had never seen him that furious. At night he kept hearing him say he’d make sure that Nick wouldn’t have to put up with him ever again. He knew he meant every single word he said and would do whatever it took to protect Nick from whatever harm, so he figured it was best to keep a low profile around him, and certainly not try to call.

So he never called them. Instead he had talked to Leighanne about his fears, the feeling they were losing Nick, that flying overseas would only end up in another pointless visit to some doctor, a disappointment none of them would be able to handle. Leighanne had finally succeeded in convincing him to go, so now here he was, scared stiff and unsure of how to fix things with the others.

~~~~

After they had collected their luggage and Kevin went to rent a car, the others walked over to a waiting area, three of them plopping down in a black seat. A.J. walked up to the window with his hands stuffed in his pockets, slowly shaking his head. “It’s raining.” he muttered. “Scared your beard will run?” Nick commented as his eyes lit up like they used to in the old days. “No dumbass!” A.J. replied happy to hear such a remark coming from his friend. “It’s just.. Ugh.. Whatever!!”
”Looks like you were right, Nick.” Brian smiled, inside terrified that his comment would be ignored. “Ain’t I always?” Nick said as he gave Brian a genuine smile. “NO!” the other three men replied in unison, immediately causing a silence as they all felt uncomfortable with the situation.
Kevin returned about twenty minutes later, holding the carkeys in his right hand. Since the car wasn’t big enough to fit all of them and their luggage, A.J., Nick and Howie would take the car, and the cousins would take a cab to get them to the hotel they’d be staying in. It would be asking for trouble to put Howie or A.J. in the cab with Brian, and Nick should be able to lie down in the backseat, so this was the only way to get to the hotel without another fight happening. That is, if Kevin would be able to keep his temper down during the ride. After Kevin had given Howie the keys and gave Nick a quick hug, he and Brian walked over to one of the exits, not saying a word to each other.

As he stepped outside, he searched for a cab, walked over to the first green car with a ‘Taxi’-sign on the roof that caught his eye and turned his head to make sure Brian was still following him. The driver, a man in his forties, opened the trunk as he greeted the two cousins. “Goedemiddag heren, waar gaat de reis naartoe?” Brian and Kevin shot each other a look, both of them not having a clue what the kind man just said. The driver realised his mistake as he saw the confused the looks on their faces. “Sorry, you speak English?” he asked them. As they nodded he continued. “Sometimes I forget my customers don’t always speak Dutch. So, good afternoon gentlemen, where do you want me to take you?” he smiled as he put their luggage in the back of the car, then motioned for them to get in. Once they were situated, Kevin had a look at the confirmation of the hotel-reservation again, even though he had just told Howie where he was supposed to go. “The Golden Tulip Hotel, please.”
The driver looked at him through the rearview mirror. “The one at the Leuvehaven?” Kevin nodded, feeling a bit unsure of why he asked him. The driver noticed and smiled at him. “Just checking, since there are two other Tulip Hotels nearby. Alright, here we go.”

Not one word was spoken during the ride. Kevin pretended to be busy with reading hotel information and Brian just stared out of the window, feeling the tension grow by the second. The taxi driver noticed too, so he decided not to start a friendly conversation with his two costumers. Occassionally he glanced at the two, noticing that Kevin was no longer reading, but just staring at the page, and Brian was nervously biting his nails as he avoided to look at his cousin. He wondered what was going on, but knew better than to ask, so he just kept driving, hoping the tension wouldn’t lead to an explosion.

Just a few minutes later, they arrived at the hotel. Without saying a word, Brian got out and got his luggage while Kevin payed the driver. As they walked in, Hans leaned against his car for a second, slowly shaking his head. Being a taxi driver, sometimes was like being a psychologist. He heard the most heartbreaking and unnerving stories, but it had been a long time since he had felt such a tension in his cab. “Als dat maar goed gaat..” he whispered as he turned around and got back into the car.

In the lobby, the other three men were waiting for their arrival. Nick was fighting to keep his eyes open, A.J. and Howie were flipping through some magazines. Kevin greeted them, Brian silently put down his bags as he nervously shifted on his feet. He knew the moment for him to talk with the others would arrive soon, but he still was extremely unsure of what to tell them.

Kevin walked up to the desk, checked in the five of them and walked back up to the others who were watching his every move, doing everything they could to avoid Brian. Well, except for Nick who just wanted to get some sleep.

“So, I booked us three rooms and I figured it be best if someone would share a room with you, Nicky. Are you okay with that?” The youngest slowly nodded, knowing Kevin was right. If he’d get sick, he’d need someone to take care of him. He hated the fact that he couldn’t take care of himself completely, but at least he had four amazing friends to do so in his hours of need. “I’ll stay with you, if that’s alright with you.” Howie spoke up, shooting Brian a glare saying he never forgot the promise he made earlier about protecting Nick. “Sure, D.” Nick replied, just wanting to get this over with.

A.J. sort of felt relieved. Even though he’d do everything he did these last few months again in a heartbeat and never regretted taking care of his little brother, he was relieved that he’d get a break from all of that. He was so exhausted from spending nights in Nick’s bedroom, keeping an eye on him 24/7 that for a split second he looked forward to not having to do so. That feeling was immediately followed by immense guilt.
“Jay, you and me will share room 976, Nick and D have room 975 and Brian you’ll be staying in room 974.” Kevin rushed out, not wanting to share a room with his cousin. The tension on the way over to the hotel had been immense and he knew he’d explode if Brian would only say as much as one thing about the huge fight a few days earlier. The men nodded as he handed Howie and Brian the keycards. They slowly rose to their feet, Nick being helped by Kevin as Howie got his luggage.

Once they were at the ninth floor, they all walked up to their rooms. When he was in front of his, Brian opened the door and before he walked in, he glanced to his left and noticed his cousin, who was helping Nick to get into his room safely as Howie carried in their luggage, quickly turned his head so he wouldn’t have to look at him. “This is gonna be even harder than I thought..” Brian sighed as he walked in and slowly closed the door behind him.
_____________________________

A/N: Some background info.
I have the guys staying at this hotel:


And this is one of the rooms:


I (Nijntje) spent a night there and believe me, it's NICE!

It took the Kentuckian all of five minutes to get himself situated in the room, simply tossing his bags down onto the floor before falling onto the bed with a small groan. Lying face down on the matress, he let out a large sigh, before slowly pushing himself over, his eyes focused on the celing as he rolled to his back.
"I'm in such deep shit." Brian muttered, closing his eyes roughly, his hands crossed across his stomach. He knew chosing to come on the trip was the right thing to do in the end and he figured his friends would still be upset with him but what he failed to consider was exactly HOW angry they'd still be. In many ways, Brian had expected his bandmates to forgive his outburst, chalking it simply up to stress and worry. But they hadn't. The ride over had been torture. No matter how he tried, none of them seemed to want to converse with him. Nick was the only one who seemed to actually ackowledged his presence, smiling here and there at him and asking about Baylee but even that seemed forced.

A an air of polite chit-chat coloring every conversation the Southerner had tried to conjure up. It had gotten to the point that Brian had relented less than midway into the flight, retreating into a book he had brought along, simply staring blankly at the words as he tried to figure out how to erase the damage he had caused. Occasionally he would glance up to see A.J. and Nick sitting together, laughing about something as they chatted away the flight's long hours. And every time he would see this, a wave of jealousy would surge over him, followed immediately by guilt. A.J. was like the rest of them; just wanting to spend as much time with Nick as possible. Could he really fault the rebel for that? As much as Brian wanted to, he knew he couldn't. The fact of the matter was that he had simply been completely out of line. Yet he still couldn't justify his actions. All he was able to give his friends was a heartfelt apology but even that they didn't seem to want to hear.

Sighing again, Brian shoved himself up into a sitting position, rubbing a hand over his face. He still had the rest of the night to try and make things up with the other men; he desperately wanted things to be all right between them when they went to see the doctor tomorrow. Rising to his feet, he walked to the door, his hand falling on the doorknob as he paused. Who was he going to talk to first? "Shit."

~~~~~

Howie quickly dropped the bags he was carrying in the middle of the room, a wince pulling on his features as he rubbed his shoulders. "Jeeze Nicky, what the hell did you bring?"
"Essentials." Nick supplied, sitting down on the couch with a small smile. His smile quickly fell away as Kevin yanked a blanket out of one of the bags, covering him with it. "Um, I was fine Kev." The older man paid no attention, kneeling down and beginning to tug Nick's shoes off before gently propping the youth's feet up on the table. "Kev-"
"Do you want anything to drink baby?" The blonde slowly shook his head, shooting a look to Howie who was grinning.
"I'm fine but Kevin I-"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah but-" Nick tired again, struggling not to roll his eyes.
"Anything to eat?" Kevin asked, reaching forward to feel Nick's forehead. "You feel clammy....you cold? It's cold in here. I think I'll turn on the heat for you."
"No! Kevin I'm fine!"
"Don't shout Nick." Kevin reprimanded as he walked over to the heater, a frown pulling at his features as he looked at the device. "All the instructions are in Dutch...how the hell do you turn this thing on?" He fiddled with it for a moment before letting out an annoyed growl. "Fuck...this is a hotel, shouldn't stuff like this be in English?"

"Kevin-"
"Howie, would you call downstairs and ask them how to turn the heat on?" The Latino nodded silently, too afraid that if he opened his mouth his laughter would escape. To see Kevin fussing so much over Nick, combined with the pure exasperation from the youngest was almost too much for him to handle. "You should try and eat something to Nicky. You didn't eat on the plane. Maybe some warm chicken noodle soup?"
"I don't really want any soup Kev." The youngest tried, slowly counting to ten silently. Kevin was only trying to help. Kevin was only trying to help. He chanted in his mind. Stay cool.

"D, can you ask them to bring up some soup for Nick?" Kevin instructed, completely ignoring the dispute. "Maybe some bread too. Also some kind of juice would be nice...like cranberry or something to-"
"I. DO. NOT. WANT. SOUP!!!" Nick finally yelled, his patience breaking as he rolled his eyes. "Or bread, or juice! I don't need the heat on, I don't need anything to drink and I don't need a blanket!" Almost to prove his point, the youth threw the blanket off of him, standing up in a huff. Walking over to Kevin, he grabbed the older man's shoulder, shaking him gently. "Kev, I'm FINE. Okay? FINE. I had something to eat on the plane, the room is the perfect temperature and you need to stop worrying." A grin worked it's way onto Nick's face and he took in a deep breath, playfully rolling his eyes. "Chill old man."

Kevin stared at his youngest brother for a moment before sighing, a small smile darting onto his face. "I'm not old." Kevin muttered, giving Nick a gentle shove. "Brat." He sighed again, nodding slowly. "Was I smothering you?"
"Just a bit." Nick shrugged. "Don't let me catch you doing it again though." He winked, turning and sitting back down onto the couch. Howie finally let out a few chuckles, rolling his eyes as he sat down next to Nick. "Don't you need to unpack Kev?" Howie suggested, raisning an eyebrow. "Suppose I do." The older man nodded. "Alright, I'm heading out. Did you want to meet up for some dinner a bit later?"
"Why don't we see about that in a bit." The Latino sighed, shaking his head slowly. "You know, depending on...things." Nick didn't miss the look the two men shared and he fought once more to roll his eyes. "Sure thing." Kevin quickly walked to the door, yanking it open. He gave Nick one last look before nodding again, heading out the room, the door clicking shut behind him.

"God, I HATE that." Nick moaned, falling back against the pillows.
"He only treats you that way because he's worried about you Nicky."
"I'm talking about that LOOK." Nick gestured to the door. "The one I've seen you all do. The one that's like, like....shit, how do I explain this?" Howie said nothing, waiting for the younger man to continue. "Like you're trying to memorize every detail of me cuz I might drop dead before you see me again." The older man actually winced at the words, biting on his lower lip.
"Nick," He sighed. "I know we're not giving you alot of breathing room but you have to understand how-"
"Everyone is changing because of me Howie! EVERYONE. And I hate it! I hate the way I'm making you guys!"
"Buddy, it's not your fault you-"
"Yes it is! Don't you get that? This is ALL my goddamn fault! If i had just GONE to the doctor when this shit started, I might have been able to prevent all this fucking bullshit! I just wish I hadn't been so damn stupid! I wish I would have-"

"Did I ever explain to you how I felt about Caroline?" Howie suddenly interrupted, causing a confused look to fall over Nick's features. "I mean, I know you know I was upset but did I ever really explain to you how I felt about her death?"
"No," The youth began, shaking his head slowly. "I don't think you ever did."
"When Caroline died was so angry at myself Nick because I had to fly there and back so quickly. I should have put my foot down with management, I should have told them that nothing was more important that my family." Howie sighed again. "But I didn't. So I missed the final hours of my sister's life. I missed being there to comfort my mom and dad in their worst hours. I missed it all. And I didn't even get to grieve with my family, you know? Because we had a show to do the next day."

"Yeah but this is different D."
"No, it isn't. Because all I needed to do was tell management what my priorites were but I was too scared. I was scared that they'd take their anger out on you guys. Scared that I'd disappoint the fans and scared that I'd disapoint you guys."
"You could never-"
"I know." Howie smiled. "I know that now. The point is Nicky, we all make poor choices. No point in dwelling on them, no matter how much they suck. We have to focus on the present. I mean, I think I'd lose my sanity if I kept thinking about what I could have done with Caroline."
"Yeah," Nick let out a breath. "But everyone is so different now. You know?" A small laugh escaped Howie and he smiled at his youngest friend. "I don't think anyone has really changed THAT much Ni-"

"A.J. watches me sleep." The blonde cut in, his eyes on the floor as he spoke.
"He what?"
"Watches me sleep." Nick repeated, "All the time, I think. I mean, I don't think I'm supposed to know but I've seen him a lot. Sitting in the corner just watching me. And there are times when I've had nightmares and junk, and I kinda wake up and he's there, telling me things are gonna be okay and rubbing my back and stuff." A smile flashed across Howie face as he heard Nick's statement, the older man realizing how out of character A.J. was acting.
"So you think this is a bad thing?"
"I don't know D!" Nick excalimed, throwing his hands out in frustration. "I just....it's NOT A.J.!" The youth tugged on his hat harsly, shaking his head. "Everyone is changing Howie! I mean, Kevin won't let me out of his sight, Brian has lost his mind....with all that screaming and yelling. You throw yourself into work like crazy. I hate all this."

"I know I haven't been around as much as I could Nicky."
"You have a life D. I don't fault you for that." Nick frowned, sinking back against the pillows. "I just wish we could be done with all this bullshit. You know? I feel like everyone and everything is on pause. Me, you guys, the fans, the group....it's like we're all just waiting to see what the result of all this bullshit is gonna be so then we get on with our lives." The youth let out a large sigh, "Or in my case, get to the end of mine." Howie winced at the words again, taking in a few deep breaths in order to regain his composure. "Buddy, I know things seems really tough right now but-"
"Things always seem tough Howie. That's because they are and yeah, maybe I'll get to that doctor tomorrow and things will get all better but you know, maybe they won't. Maybe it's just downhill from here. " Howie opened his mouth to respond but Nick was already getting to his feet.
"Where're you going?"
"I'm kinda tired D. I think I'm gonna go crash." The older man sadly watched Nick make his way to his bedroom, the sound of the door shutting seemingly echoing throughout the room. Letting out a large breath, Howie fell back against the cushions, shutting his eyes roughly.
"Yeah," He breathed. "Maybe they won't."

Brian was staring at the door before him, his blue eyes darting back and forth between the numbers on the door and the hallway floor where he currently stood, shifting back and forth in trepidation. His mouth felt dry, his tongue darting out every few seconds to re-lick his lips. Every now and then, his teeth would trap his bottom lip in their grasp, holding onto it for a few moments as he desperately tried to get together what he wanted to say. His mind was racing, his hands balled into fists and sweaty. He let out another breath, chiding himself yet again for being so stupid. Raising up a hand, he brought it forth to knock on the door, freezing inches from the wood before shaking his head. Why the hell was he so nervous? Clearing his throat, he pushed himself to continue, the sound of his knuckles rapping on the door reverberating through the silent hallway.

"Coming! Coming!" A new wave of nervousness swept over him when he heard A.J.'s voice, trying to shake the thought of running for his life out of his mind. He was in the middle of contemplating the thought when the door swung open, his widened gaze snapping to his younger friend. "Oh, it's you." A.J. frowned, leaning on the door as his eyes narrowed behind the blue tinted sunglass perched on his face. "What the fuck do you want?"

"I uh," Brian mumbled. "Um, I wanted to talk....to Kev."
"Why?" Crossing his arms across his chest, A.J. arched an eyebrow and Brian sighed.
"Because I wanted to apologize."
"For?"
"You know what for, look, can I just come in?" Exasperation colored the Kentuckian's words and A.J. shrugged. "C'mon A.J., let me in."
"Where the fuck is my apology?" Brian simply stared at him, letting out a quiet sigh. "Yeah. Tough shit Littrell."
"Let him in Jay." Brian almost jumped at the sound of Kevin's voice, his older cousin appearing beside the rebel, his features cold. A.J. shrugged again, stepping aside and motioning for Brian to come in before kicking the door shut. "What do you want Brian?"
"To talk." The Southerner glanced at the couch for a moment, feeling even more awkward just standing around. He felt like an intruder.
"Can we sit or something?"
"Why? Is it too hard for you to speak and stand with your head so far up your ass?" The youngest man muttered, rolling his eyes.
"Look, I know I fucked up, okay A.J.? God."
"Well that's great Brian! Let me pull a gold star out of my ass for you! You figured it out! What a good little boy." Brian balled his fists at the words, opening his mouth to speak only to snap it shut when Kevin glared at him.

"A.J., why don't you go visit with Nicky and Howie for a bit?" Kevin suggested, taking his hardened gaze off of Brian for a moment to glance at the rebel who's eyes jumped to Kevin in surprise. "What? Why?"
"I think Brian and I need to talk alone." Brian had paled at the words, looking even more nervous than before. A.J. and Kevin were one thing, but Kevin alone? If Kevin was going to kill him, Brian wanted a witness; not that A.J. was much happier with him but still, he preferred the rebel around. "Brian can aplogize to you later."
"Kiss my ass, is more like it but whatever." A.J. relented with a huff, jamming his hands into his pocket. "Call me when you're done."
"Will do." Kevin nodded, watching A.J. leave the room before looking back at his younger cousin. "Alright Littrell, you want to talk...so talk."

~~~~~

Howie was absentmindedly flipping through TV channels, his eyes on the television but his mind wandering a million miles away. All he could think about was the meeting with the doctor tomorrow. Was this going to be the answer to their prayers or condem them even more? He let out a large sigh, running his fingers through his hair and tugging on the ends of it lightly.

Nick had given him quite a scare earlier, haunted by a nightmare he had started screaming all of the sudden, causing Howie to jump out of his skin and rush into the younger man's room, finding the youth tossing and turning in the bed. Unsure of whether to wake him or leave Nick alone, Howie had simply stared, listening as Nick begged outloud for someone to save him, for someome to not let him die. It had gotten to the point where the Latino had to bite his lip hard enough to draw blood in an effort to keep from screaming himself. The nightmare lasted no more than 10 minutes, the screams dying away from Nick as he slipped back into a peaceful slumber, leaving Howie to retreat back to the main room, his eyes full of tears. The older man had sat and cried for a good half hour, his thoughts threatening to rip away his sanity as they whirled around Nick and Caroline.

A sudden knock on the door made Howie jump, jolting him out of his thoughts as he got to his feet, slowly walking over to it and tugging it open. "Hey D." A.J. greeted, nodding curtly as he entered the room. "Where's Fracky?"
"Sleeping." The older man frowned, shutting the door. "What kind of nickname is that?"
"An annoying one." The rebel grinned, plopping down on the couch and flicking through the TV channels before shutting the TV off. "I always hate TV in other countries. There's never any good shit on in English."
"Where's Kev?" Howie sighed, taking a seat next to A.J.. "Our room. Asshole came by to talk." Howie rolled his eyes at statement, leaning back into the cushions. "You gonna stop calling him that anytime soon?"
"Hey, if the shoe fits," A.J. shrugged. "Anyways. Kev kicked me out to talk to Brian alone so," He threw his arms out with a sarcastic grin. "Here I am!"
"Lovely."

"You okay D?" A.J. asked after a moment of silence, taking of his sunglasses, he dropped them onto the table, adjusting his hat as he looked at his older bandmate. "You look upset."
"Just stressed." Howie pressed a smile onto his face as he shook his head. "I'm good."
"Uh huh. How's Nickers?"
"Had a nightmare a bit earlier." The eldest said after a quick debate on whether or not to tell A.J.. "Scared the shit out of me."
"I know those. Did he scream?” A.J. let out a small sigh as Howie nodded. "Yeah, those still scare me when I'm not expecting them. Sometimes I can tell but there are times when they come out of nowhere."
"Ahh. That's right," Howie let a small smile fall across his face. "You watch Nicky sleep."
A.J. look startled by the statement, a frown immediately breaking out. "Why the hell do you say that?"
"Nick said you did."
"Fuck." The rebel muttered after a few more choice obsenities. "He knows?" Upon Howie's nod, A.J. shook his head, his eyes dropping to the floor. "Fuck." He repeated. "What's wrong with him knowing?" A.J. was quiet for a moment, a large sigh escaping him as he finally looked up at his older friend. "I don't know D. It's just...so not me, you know?"
The younger man rolled his eyes. "I didn't want to weird him out. I guess I won't do it anymore."
"Why not? He didn't say anything about not wanting you to do it anymore."
"But he did say something about it, yeah?"
"He's just upset." Howie sighed. "He feels like everyone is changing because of him."
"No shit." A.J. muttered, rolling his eyes again. "We're falling apart man."

"We're losing one of us A.J.. What do you expect?"
"We haven't lost him yet Howie." Howie shrugged at the response, sitting up a little.
"Not yet, no."
"And what, you're expecting we will?"
"What if the doctor can't help him Jay? Have you even considered that?"
"Of course I have." A.J. spat. "I WAS the one who brought it up that one night. I mean, fuck Howie," The rebel got to his feet as he spoke, pacing before the older man, his hands going every which was as he spoke. "I can't even imagine what's gonna happen if that doctor is full of shit. Jesus....I mean, Nick is already assuming the worst, whether he admits it or not. You know he's got his will done? I found it the other day by accident. His will, his burial plot is picked out and paid for, instructions on how he wants to be buried..." A.J. trailed off and angrily shook his head. "He's a kid Howie. A fucking KID. He should be picking out his next video game not his Goddamn burial plot."
"I know." The Latino said softly. "He's only 25 years old..."

"And Brian! Brian is gonna lose it man. Look at him already! He's not gonna make it if Nicky dies. No fuckin way. I don't think Kevin is going to either."
"Are you?"
"What?"
"Are you going to make it if Nick dies?"
"What kind of question is that?" The younger man demanded, stopping his pacing to glare at Howie. "That has nothing to do with anything." Howie rolled his eyes, shaking his own head.
"It has complete relevance to everything A.J.." Howie got to his feet as well, walking over to where A.J. had frozen. "You go on and on about Nick's feelings, Brian's, Kevin's, even mine but what about your own? I haven't heard you ONCE talk about how this whole ordeal is affecting you." A.J. was silent for a moment befoe turning and walking a few steps away from Howie, shaking his head again. "You have to talk about it Jay."
"I don't have to talk about shit."
"Listen, I know-"
"No. Fuck that Howie, if I want to keep my feelings to myself than I fucking will. We have enough bullshit going on right now and I'm not about to add on more."
"A.J., you gotta talk to someone! Even if it's Nicky you-"
"Why the FUCK would I talk to Nick about something like that? Don't you think the kid has enough on his mind? Jesus christ Howie! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
Howie's eyes narrowed and he took in a deep breath, trying to keep his patience in check.
"Now wait a damn minute, all I was trying to say was tha-"
"You know what?" A.J. asked, rasing his hands up and shaking his head. "I'm done. Fuck this, I'm outta here." Before Howie even had a chance to say anything, the rebel was out the door, slamming it behind him and leaving Howie to simply stare.

~~~~

"Listen Kev, my behavior the other night," Brian let out a large sigh, his blue eyes focused on the hardwood floor as he spoke, slowly shaking his head. "It was completely out of line."
"I'm glad you finally managed to get that through your thick skull." Kevin muttered, rolling his eyes as he took a seat beside his younger cousin.
"I really am sorry Kevin. I don't know what I was thinking."
"I'm sure you do." Brian glanced at the older man with a frown, causing Kevin to let out a sigh. "Bri, look, I already know you know you were an asshole. What I want to know, is why." The younger Knetuckian was silent for a few moments, his leg bouncing up and down as he tried to think. "Well? Why did you say all that bullshit?"
"I don't know Kev....I mean, it was just everything. It all built up. All the stressing and the worrying, the up's and down's." Brian shook his head squeezing his eyes shut for a second. "I can't take this much longer! I-I'm going, literally, INSANE, wondering if Nick is gonna pull through, I mean, I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning, terrified that I'm gonna call A.J.'s and find out that Nick's dead. Or A.J.'s gonna call me in the middle of the night telling me that Nick is dead."

"Yeah, I know how that is." Understanding flashed across Kevin's features as he spoke. "It's the same way for me."
"Then with how close A.J. and Frack are getting....God, I feel like I'm losing him not only to the cancer but to A.J. too. You know? Like, I'm losing my best friend and it's my own damn fault. I'm not around as much as I should be."
"You have a wife and son Brian. Nick knows that and so does A.J.. Why do you think he volunteered to have Nicky stay at his place? They're good for one another." Kevin shrugged. "As much as I hate to admit it, you and I are treating Nick like he's made of glass."
"And A.J. doesn't?" The eldest shot him a look and Brian sighed again. "I guess not, huh?"
"You know how Bone is. He treats Nick like he's always treated him and that's what he needs right now Brian. You've got to understand that. Like A.J. said, we're not competing over Nick. No one wins over another by spending more time with him."
"I know, I know."
"Then stop acting like a self-centered little brat." Kevin chastised. "Grow up Bri. Cherish the time you have with Nick now, instead of measuring up against how much time A.J.'s spent with him."

"But I'm his-"
"I KNOW you're his best friend. But so is A.J.. And Howie and myself. We're ALL his best friends Brian, you've got to knock that shit off. It's ridiculous and all it's doing is causing unwanted tension." Silence overwhelmed the two men for a few minutes, Brian finally letting out a groan as he fell against the couch. "I've been such an idiot."
"Yeah, you have."
"How much do you hate me?" A smirk pulled the corners of Kevin's mouth upwards into a small smile and he playfully reached out, cuffing the back of Brian's head. "I don't hate you."
"Does A.J.?" Brian smiled at Kevin who let out a laugh, rising slowly to his feet. "He may but I'm sure if you buy him enough crap, he'll forgive you."
"What about Howie and Nicky?"
"You know D and Nicky will forgive and forget Bri. They always do, I'm actually pretty sure they have. A.J. just threatned bodily harm to anyone who spoke to you on the ride over." Brian quirked an eyebrow at the comment, getting to his feet as well. "Seriously?"
"Oh yeah." The older man nodded. "He's pretty pissed at you, more so I think, on Nick's behalf."
"He's really changed through all this." Brian breathed, running a hand through his short hair.
"We all have."

"What do you think is gonna happen tomorrow Kev? You really think this doctor is gonna be the one?" Kevin was quiet for a minute, his arms crossed against his chest as he stared at his younger cousin, his green eyes saddened. "I can't tell you how much I hope so." He said, "But we've come away empty handed so many times...." Kevin allowed his sentence to trial off into silence.
"We're not gonna make it if this one falls through, are we Kev?" Brian drawled softly, his sapphire gaze locking with Kevin's emerald stare. "No," Kevin murmured after another moment of silence, a defeated smile gracing his face before disappearing almost as quickly as it had come. "We're not."

For those of you who read the sneak peek, this is the whole chapter.. Again, I'm sorry for not updating sooner, but as someone said, health is more important!
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It wasn’t until late that night Brian returned to his room. As he closed the door behind him, he let out a sigh as he closed his eyes for a second. So much had happened since they arrived earlier that day. He was exhausted and longed for a good night’s rest, but doubted he’d get one. His expections were set high for the following day and thoughts of what was to come kept racing through his mind.
As he rubbed his face, he walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, but the reflecting image of himself scared the man. The stress had taken its toll, not only on his strength and faith, but on his appearance as well. He slowly shook his head as he pulled his shirt off, throwing it to the floor. Turning back around, his eyes drank in the image in the mirror, lingering on the scar decorating his chest.
Slowly he traced it with his finger, thinking of how this scar, that part of his life, still seemed surreal, as if it never happened to him. But the scar was proof, nothing other than proof of the days when his life was on the line and the surgery that saved him. He remembered how alone he felt when the men he thought to be his friends weren’t there for him when he needed them most. He had been scared, but it seemed as if they didn’t care at that point. It hurt back then, and even though they apologized and he forgave them, sometimes he felt the hurt as if it was yesterday. He didn’t know why, and he didn’t understand, but it did.

As he leaned on the sink and looked at himself, he realized his eyes didn’t sparkle like they used to. When things were normal, they always were, as did Nick’s whose eyes stopped sparkling months ago. And even though Nick was the one who was fighting the biggest battle right now, Brian was fighting his own. He was struggling to keep his faith steady, trying to believe that his best friend would make it, but on the other hand his mind was trying to tell him that maybe it was time to accept the fact that maybe he wouldn’t. That maybe the time had come to slowly start thinking of saying farewell, instead of ‘I’ll call you’.

“It can’t be..”, he whispered. “I cannot say goodbye to him.. I can’t..”
As tears welled up in his eyes, he closed them and tried to think back to some of the good times they shared, the beautiful memories they made. They brought a smile onto his features, but at the same time, tears started to fall. This mixture of feelings was something he hadn’t gotten used to, even though he experienced it frequently.

All kinds of memories flashed before him. He saw the two of them playing basketball, followed by Nick throwing up because of the chemo. The two of them goofing around on stage, followed by one of Nick’s tantrums of the last six months, caused by feelings of hopelessness and frustration. Happy memory, sad memory, happy, sad, happy, sad, sad, sad. The last few memories during these moments of reminiscing, would always be sad ones, even though Brian desperately tried to push those to the back of his mind. The harder he tried, the more of them rose to the surface. Eventually he stopped trying and let those memories flash before him as he walked back into his room and sat down on the bed, hugging his knees as he cried for the loss of his best friend, even though he was in the room next to his.

The Nick he knew, was no longer there. How could he be after all he had been through already? This whole ordeal had changed him, or them for that matter, forever and it scared Brian. Even if he did make it, if this doctor had a cure for him, would they ever be able to rebuild what they once had? And if not, could they accept that and start things over? Or would he lose him eventually, not to cancer or A.J., but to a new best friend outside of the group, because they couldn’t cope with the things that happened? Would they fall apart, because of what they had been through together? Before, Brian would have said ‘no’, but now with all that had happened, he wasn’t so sure..

Twenty minutes later, he had regained his calm and taken a shower. As he was shaving himself, he heard his cell ring. He quickly cleaned his face and rushed into the room, having a feeling it was his wife who was on the other end.

“Hi honey..”
“So how did things go, Brian?”
“Good evening to you too.” He smiled.
“Good evening, now tell me. Please.”
“Alright, alright..” Brian decided to leave out the silent treatment they gave him during the flight and told Leighanne about his conversation with Kevin. “I told you he’d understand. How about the others?”
“Well.. As I walked out of his room, I bumped into Alex..”
“So, did you talk?”
“We talked alright...”
“And??”
“Well.. How’s our angel?” Brian asked her, partly to tease her, but partly because he already missed the two of them somewhat. Singing Baylee to sleep was their little father and son ritual and he just wished Baylee hadn’t caused his wife any trouble with getting him to fall asleep without it.
“He’s fine. I can sing too, you know..”
“Not as good as me though..” Brian chuckled.
“Yeah yeah, you’re the greatest.” She was smiling, he could tell. That brought a smile onto his features as well. She could always make him feel better, and he knew he was one lucky man to be married to her. When she almost yelled his name for the second time, she snapped him out of his thoughts. “Brian!! Tell me what you two talked about?”
“Well.. As I said, I bumped into him as I walked out of the room Kevin and he share...”
“And?”
“Well, at first he.. Wait a sec, someone’s at the door.” Brian replied as someone knocked on his door for the second time. “Coming!!”
“You’ve got to be kidding me..” Leighanne sighed.
“Honey, it’s Nick. Can I call you back?” Brian asked his wife after he looked through the little peephole in the door and recognized the person standing there in the hallway.
“Sure sweety. I love you.”
“I love you too..”

Having said those words, Brian closed his cell and opened the door. “Hey Nick..”
“Hey Bri...” Nick replied as he walked over to the couch and slowly sat down, his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped tightly together. “Did I wake you?” the youngest asked since he hadn’t heard Brian talk to Leighanne. “Do I look like I just woke up?” Brian smiled as he sat down next to him. Nick returned the smile. “Well, you do look like shit..”
“Gee thanks..” Brian softly poked him, causing Nick to slightly wince in pain. “Sorry.. Are you okay?” Brian whispered as he noticed the look on Nick’s face. “Yeah.. It’s okay.. Just don’t do it again, cause I can still kick your ass when needed.” Nick grinned.

"You and I are treating Nick like he's made of glass."

Brian remembered the words his cousin spoke, and he now again realized Kevin was right. He should really stop doing that, it only made situations more awkward than they already were. Silence overcame the two men as they were in their own world. Brian was thinking of something to say or do to ease the tension, and Nick was trying to think of a way to bring up what he wanted to ask Brian. They stayed that way for over ten minutes, when at the same moment, they both spoke up.

“Brian-”
“Nick-”
“You go first..”
“No, you go first..”
“Alright.. I’ve been thinking a lot these last few weeks..” his voice trailed off, unsure of how to proceed. “Did that hurt, the thinking and all?” Brian smiled. Nick chuckled as he hit his friend over the head. “Dork.”
“Always.. But what have you been thinking about?”
“I don’t know.. All sorts of things.. The things that have happened.. to me, you, us, the others.” Nick turned his head and locked his eyes with Brian’s. “I’m scared, Frick..”
“This might sound stupid, but what are you scared of, Frack?”
“A lot of stuff.. I don’t know..” All of a sudden, Nick got up and started walking over to the door. “This is bullshit! Forget about it. I’ll see you in a few.”
“I’m scared too.” Brian softly spoke as he watched his best friend put his hand on the doorknob. “Every night before I go to bed I’m scared that in the middle of the night I’m gonna get a call from Alex telling me that you passed away.”
Nick slowly let go of the doorknob as he turned around, waiting for Brian to continue.
“Everyday I’m scared I’m gonna lose it again, and yell and scream at you or the others and never get the chance to say I’m sorry afterwards, because something has happened to you. I’m scared that tomorrow this doctor will tell us there’s nothing she can do to help us.
I’m scared to think of how my life will be without you here. And I know we’ve all been talking about faith and holding on, but now I’ve come to realize that with doing that, we never gave you the chance to talk about your fears, because we’d immediately tell you that everything’s gonna be okay when frankly we don’t know. We don’t know and DAMN I’m so scared to face the fact that maybe you won’t make it, because I simply can’t deal with the thought of losing you. And I’m not only talking about this disease, but in general. I’m so scared that when you do prevail this ordeal, our friendship will not, simply of what we went through. Nick, I’m scared too..”

Brian slowly lifted his head, in hopes Nick wouldn’t storm out of his room after hearing him confess the things that plagued his mind. He didn’t. Nick simply stood there, not saying a word, not moving an inch. They stared at each other, Brian hoping Nick would open up to him about his fears, Nick unsure of what to say or do. After a minute or so, he slowly walked back to the couch and sat down, staring at his hands for a moment, before he looked at Brian, who was relieved to see he didn’t leave. “Thank you..” Nick choked out, after which he swallowed a few times, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat that was making it hard to speak. “Thank you for being honest with me.” Brian nodded as he moved towards Nick and carefully hugged the younger man.

A few minutes later Nick spoke up. “Every night I’m scared that I might not live to see the sunrise the following morning. I’m so scared that there will be more pain, more nausea, more of everything this cancer is causing.. I don’t wanna die, Brian. I know I said I do a couple of times, but I don’t. And it’s not just the fear of dying itself, but the way I might die. I could suffocate, you know.. If that doctor can’t help me, the cancer will spread and it might grow so fast that my trachea.. damn..”
“I understand, Frack..” Brian interrupted. Nick opening up to him, was something he’d wanted, but to hear him say these things was hard on the eldest. Nick nodded, relieved that Brian didn’t make him explain things further.
“I want to go see that doctor tomorrow, I really do. But it also scares the shit out of me. If she tells me there’s nothing she can do, then that’s it, Bri.. That’s it for me.. Then there’s nothing I can do but wait ‘til it’s over...”
“I know..” Brian replied. He could lie and tell him things were going to be okay, but he knew honesty was what they needed right now. They needed to talk about this, even though it caused so much pain to do so. “But know one thing, Nick. You won’t have to do this alone.”
“Ofcourse I do. If so, I am going to die, not you.”
“If you die, Nick.. a part of me will die too.. I can’t be Frick without my Frack..”
Brian fought to hold back the tears, but he couldn’t and when he looked at Nick, he saw he was trying to fight them too. As the two men hugged each other, they let their emotions run free and cried on each other’s shoulders.

“Brian?” Nick managed to whisper as he started to let go of his best friend. “Yes Nick?” Brian replied as he did the same, after which they both wiped away the tears. “I love you man. I know I never said it much, but I do. You’re the best friend I could ever wish for. Thank you for everything you’ve done.” Brian swallowed as he felt the tears sting again. “I love you too little man.. And I’m sorry-”
“Don’t.. I understand. Just remember one thing, okay? I am the KING of Mario Racing!!”
They both chuckled at those words, and Brian gently hit Nick over the head. “That is getting old, you know?”
“Yeah right.. you still can’t handle the fact that I won 99% of the time..” Nick grinned.
“Sure.” Brian rolled his eyes at the comment, happy to see a little bit of the old Nick back, even if it was for a split second, because Nick asked him if he could ask him a serious question.

“Shoot.”
“If I do die, will you make sure that my will is carried out? I already arranged most things, but I want someone to make sure the details are carried out too.. Would you-”
“Ofcourse I will.” Brian replied.
“Thank you, the papers are at A.J.’s, probably somewhere in my room... Brian, do you remember that day when I asked you how it is to become and be a father? You told me I’d find out for myself, but would you mind telling me now? Just in case I don’t get to find out.”
“Nick-”
“Please? I’m not giving up Bri.. Really, I’m not. I still wanna beat this thing. I just wanna know, just in case..”
Brian slowly nodded his head. “Alright..”
“Owh, and Bri.. skip the delivery part, I do NOT wanna know all the bloody and horrifying details. If I do get the chance to have a child of my own, I do not want think of how Leighanne was biting your head off, I’ll probably need to stay focused to keep my wife from biting off mine.”

Back again with another chapter.. Please leave us a review.. And thank you for those who do!

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Brian was waiting impatiently for his wife to answer the phone which had already rung four times, but still there was no answer. He checked his watch again. It was around 10 p.m. for her, so not that late, For him, it was way past midnight. Just when he started thinking something was seriously wrong, she answered.
“Hey honey...”
“Hi sweetheart, is everything alright?”
“Hmm..”
“Wait a sec, did I just wake you?”
“Hmm..”
“Aww.. I’m sorry.. I’ll let you go back to sleep then. I just gotta ask you this first. Did Baylee have one of his hyper days again?”
“Hmm.. just like his dad. But no way that you’re hanging up on me. Give me a minute to make some tea, then tell me what happened between Alex and you. How was Nick?”
“Upset. We finally talked about things we should’ve talked about much earlier.”
“The fear you have of losing him?”
“Hmm.. How do you know?” Brian raised an eyebrow at his wife’s comment.
“I’m your wife, I’m supposed to know these things.” She smiled.
“I know you know about my fears. I mean, how do you know what we talked about?”
“I just know. How did he react?”
“He finally opened up. Then he asked me to carry out his will if he doesn’t make it.. He then asked me to tell him how it is to be a father. He made sure I didn’t tell him about the delivery though..” Brian chuckled.
“And why was that?”
“He didn’t wanna know how you were about to bite my head off. He told me that in case he does get to be a father, he doesn’t wanna think back to my story, cause he probably needs to stay focused to prevent his wife from biting off his..” Brian laughed.
“I did NOT bite your head off.” Leighanne laughed.
“No, because I managed to get away before you could.” He gently teased her.
“Watch it you..” She chuckled as she sat down on the couch. “Alright, I’m set. What happened after you bumped into Alex?”
“Alright.. So I walked out of the room he and Kevin share when I bumped into him as he stormed out of Nick’s room...”



”Watch it Brian!!!”
”So you do remember my name..”
”Don’t get used to me using it asshole.”
Brian slowly shook his head and decided to ignore the comment. “Can we talk?”
“I don’t think I have much talking to do..” A.J. crossed his arms in front of his chest, as he kept staring at Brian.
“Let me do the talking then.”
“So talk.” A.J. growled.
“Can we at least go to my room instead of talking out here?”
”I don’t see why that’s necessary.” A.J. sarcastically said, knowing he was acting childisch.
Brian let out a sigh as he tried to control his emotions. “Please.. Just cooperate a little bit..”
”Why on earth should I? I haven’t seen you doing any of that for a long, LONG time.”
Brian then made a mistake. “If not for me, please do it for Nick.”
”You have a LOT of nerve saying that Brian!” A.J. exploded.
”Alex.. please.. Let me apologize or at least explain my behavior. Don’t make this harder than it already is..”
A.J. just couldn’t drop things so easily. “You think this is hard on YOU?!”
“DAMN Alex..It’s hard on ALL OF US!! Stop twisting my words. Come talk with me or just listen for all I care. Nick needs our support tomorrow. ALL of our support, not us bickering over something stupid. Can we at least try to fix this tonight for HIS sake?” Brian pleaded as tears filled his eyes.

He then turned around and started walking towards his room, in hopes that A.J. would follow. If not, at least he tried. Not only for Nick’s sake, but for his own as well. If they’d get bad news tomorrow, they needed to stick together. Again, for Nick’s sake, but for their own as well. Brian knew he’d lose it if they got the news that nothing could be done for his Frack. He’d need the others to get him through, and he knew it was the same for them. If only he’d get the chance to explain things and apologize to them before the appointment at the Erasmus Medical Center.

At first, the other man stood there, not planning on following Brian. But when he let his words sink in, A.J. knew the other man was right, so he slowly nodded his head after which he silently followed him to his room. As Brian turned around to see if he had followed, he sadly smiled at him, knowing that at least he now had the chance to fix things with another one of his friends. He could only hope he wouldn’t screw up this time.

As soon as they both sat down, A.J. turned to look at Brian. “So.. talk.”
Brian had his hands clasped tightly together as he looked at A.J. “I know I don’t have the right to ask you for any favors right now, but could you at least let me finish my explanation before you either run out that door or punch me in the face?” It wasn’t meant as a joke, Brian was extremely serious and nervous as he waited for the answer. “Alright.” A.J. replied, his thoughts still on what Brian said about Nick.. Brian closed his eyes for just a second, thinking of how to start translating his thoughts into sentences that actually could make sense to the other man.

“I’m sorry for what happened at your place. Those things I said, I was completely out of line. I- I completely lost it and could only think of how badly I wanted to prove my point, about being his best friend... but I guess I’m not..” Brian choked out.
It remained silent for a few minutes as the eldest of the two tried to control his emotions, while the other was waiting for him to continue, but eventually he was the one who spoke up. “You are, Brian. That’s why you care so much. Yes, I was about to kill you that evening and I was still angry as hell when I first saw you at the plane. Not seeing you for a few days has changed my perspective on things though. When I really, really looked at you on the plane, I saw how all of this has been affecting you, like it has been affecting the rest of us. We’ve never looked this shitty. God, we all lost weight, we hardly sleep anymore and have all aged ten years or so.”
“That bad, huh?” Brian sadly smiled.
“Yeah, but ofcourse I still look the best out of all of us.” A.J. smiled, but sadness replaced that smile when his mind wandered off to the days when Nick was the one who looked the best, according to the fans that is. Right now, he was no more than a shadow of how he looked back then.

“I- I just.. I don’t think I can handle another disappointment, Alex. I know y’all said it isn’t about me. But it is. It’s about all of us. To me, it feels like Nick isn’t the only one fighting this disease. We’re fighting just as hard. When I met him, he was just a kid. And now, over ten years later, he still is in some ways, but in other ways he’s grown so much. I watched and helped him grow. And now, I can’t help him fight this. There’s not a freaking thing I can do. And although I still think he CAN make it, the feeling he can’t is slowly starting to take over. I watched the kid grow up, I can’t watch him slip away from us. Seeing how he’s changed through all of this kills me. The sparkle in his eyes, it’s gone. The lighthearted kid, gone. The way he could always cheer us up, gone. The Nick we knew is already gone. And that hurts SO much. I’m gonna lose it if the day comes when we really, really lose him. I love that kid, he shouldn’t have to worry about chemo, pain, his funeral. For God’s sake.. he’s just a kid.. He’s my little brother.” Brian rubbed his face as he again felt how tears filled his eyes. Blinking them back, he turned to look at A.J. who was avoiding his stare.

But when he finally glanced at Brian, the eldest could see that he too was fighting to hold back the tears. Brian couldn’t recall the last time he had seen A.J. that close to crying. And that’s when he realized that he had never ever heard him talk about how he was feeling during all of that was going on. He knew better than to ask though, so he didn’t say anything for a few minutes, hoping that his friend might speak up. But he didn’t. So Brian continued to speak his mind, in need to get more things out in the open.

“Maybe it isn’t my place to ask, but.. Has Nick been talking to you about his feelings lately?”
”He has..” A.J. replied after he had tried to clear his throat a couple of times. “He has been talking about the four of us a lot. About how he feels guilty for what he’s putting us through. He’s been talking about you a LOT, Brian. About how you it’s been affecting you and how he’s been thinking of going somewhere so you wouldn’t have to see things get worse. He’s said he misses you quite a few times. Not that he feels you aren’t around as much as enough, he understands you have a family too. Sometimes he even pretended to be asleep, so you would go home to Leighanne. He just misses the way you two were before all of this bullshit. He just feels like.. He doesn’t wanna tell you, because he know you’ll feel guilty, but he.. He misses his best friend. You.. you are treating him so differently. He understands that you’ve changed, he know he’s changed himself too. He would just love to have that old thing between you and him, Frick and Frack against the world. And I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty, it’s just the truth. We’ve all changed..”

“We have..” Brian whispered. As he let the words sink in, A.J. continued. “Yes, we have. Damn, I’ve even been watching the kid sleep at night.”
“You what?” Brian asked in surprise. “You watched him sleep?”
“Yeah.. I know, cheesy huh.., but I had to make sure the kid was alright. For some strange reason, it was comforting to watch him sleep. Whenever he had a nightmare, I was there to help, sorta. I just found out he knows..”
“How? Not even a bomb can wake that kid up.” Brian smiled.
“Dunno. Howie said that Nick told him he knows. It’s so not me, you know..”
“Like you said, we’ve all changed..”
“Yeah, we have. You were right, Rok.. When you said that I never gave a damn about the kid when we were younger.”
“But how..” Brian asked as he felt his cheeks flush with red.
“I heard you. When you were in the studio with D., I ran over, ready to punch you in the stomach when Kev stopped me. He told me to go talk to Nick and that he would handle you. I wasn’t about to listen though and when he opened the door, I heard you say that. It hit home. Hard. You were right though. I thought he was annoying, always whining, tired or wanting some attention. You saw past that and you saw what was behind all of it.”

Brian nodded. He was still young himself when they met, but he instantly knew the kid wasn’t happy at home and had a lot of shit going on in his life. He knew Nick was lonely, and still a kid who was in desperate need of a friend. Brian became that friend, at first because he thought that it was sort of his responsability, being older and all. But later on, they became best friends because of the person Nick was, out of true friendship, not out of a feeling of obligation.
“I didn’t. So yeah, I didn’t give a damn about him back then. But things changed, Brian. Not only in these last few months, but these last few years. You know that. He’s my brother too, and every morning I’m scared that I’m gonna find that he’s gone, that the cancer has won. I found his will, Brian. His Goddamn WILL! He’s too fucking young to die.. He’s 25!!! He shouldn’t have to worry about that kinda shit. DAMN! He doesn’t know I found it.. but I did. And I couldn’t just put it down. He wants us to carry him to his grave, Brian. His GRAVE!” A.J. cried, followed by a whisper. “He’s been thinking about this stuff and he hasn’t been talking to me about it..”
Brian slowly shook his head. He pushed the thought of carrying Nick’s coffin to his grave aside. That was just too much to handle at this point. “Not to me either. I think he’s scared to. We’ve all been talking about holding on, not losing faith.. We just never-”
“Gave him the chance to talk about his fears..” A.J. finshed his sentence. “Damn.. we’ve all been screwing up a lot lately..”

~~~

He checked his watch again.
Two hours had passed since he decided to try and get some sleep, but all he could think about was the appointment with Dr. Schagen.
“I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you, Mr. Carter.”
He could already hear her say that, even though she hadn’t even seen Nick yet. All he could do was pray she could do something for his little brother, but frankly, his hope was fading fast. They had come away empty handed so many times, that it was hard to keep up his positive attitude. All of a sudden, he got out of the bed, knowing sleep was something he wouldn’t get anytime soon. He walked over to the window and opened the curtains. Outside, it was still raining. “Hopefully it has stopped by the time we go to the EMC.” He said to himself, knowing that Nick’s immune system was so weak that even a cold could take him away from this earth. He shook his head, trying to shake off that thought. Then he opened the window just a crack so some fresh air could enter his room and maybe take away his thoughts, but offcourse that was nothing but a wish that wouldn’t be fullfilled.

As he leaned on the window sill, a light warm breeze blew across his face, which brought a sad smile onto his features. “Hey dad..” he whispered. “In a few hours, we’ll know. We’ll know if she can help Nicky.” Kevin’s gaze was on the few stars that could be seen between the clouds. Tears filled his eyes as fear filled his heart. “Dad, if she can’t.. If we’re gonna lose Nicky.. Please take care of him.. Watch over him for me.”

It wasn’t until 8.30 am the following morning that the five men all sat at one table, in the hotel’s private breakfast room. Four of them had a plate loaded with food, but none of them seemed to be hungry. Nick was staring at his hands, holding a cup of tea which was the only thing he thought he could keep down that morning. Kevin and Brian were talking, Howie was staring outside of the window and A.J. was in deep thought, drinking his coffee.

“Kev, what time do we have to be at the EMC again?”
“Half past one, Bri.”
“Do you know how to get there?”
“Rok, why do you even ask? Knowing Kev he’s checked that at least 10 times.”
“Smartass.”
“Well, I am right, ain’t I?”
“Yes Nick, I know how to get there. No, I only checked twice.”
“Yeah right.” A.J. smirked as he and Nick high-fived, knowing Nick was right.

“What are we gonna do til then?” Howie asked.
“Dunno. Nothing much for me. I’m exhausted.” Nick replied as he fought back a yawn.
“Are you feeling okay? What’s wrong? Are you feverish?”
“Kevin, you know that thing you get when you fly across continents... It’s called j-e-t-l-a-g. That’s what’s wrong.” The youngest rolled his eyes. “You don’t look so hot yourself.”
“Gee thanks..” Kevin too rolled his eyes.
“Don’t mention it.” Nick smirked as he got up. “If you guys don’t mind, I’m gonna head back to my room and crash.”
“I’m coming with you.”
“Sure Kev, maybe you can crash too. Again, you look like you need it.” Inside, Nick didn’t want him to come along, but he knew it was better to have someone around. Just in case.. “Ugh..” Kevin shook his head as he too got up. He got the key to his room out of his pocket and handed it to A.J. “Can anyone tell me why I put up with all this?”
“Because I’m irresistibly cute?” Nick replied as he gave Kevin a big wet kiss on the cheek, who shook his head, then wiped his cheek with his sleeve. “Sure Nick.. Let’s go. We’ll leave at twelve thirty guys and not a second later.”
“Sir yes sir!” A.J. saluted, which made the other three men chuckle at the sight of a blushing Kevin who quickly removed himself from the room, knowing he was delegating them again.

A.J. stared at his hands for a second before he got up.
“Alright, I think I’ll be.. going to my room for a bit.. maybe get some rest too, since I didn’t sleep much.”
“Or you’re going to do your nails..” Brian grinned as he had noticed him staring at his hands.
“Shut up..” A.J. smiled as he hit the Kentuckian over the head on his way out. “See ya..”

“I think-”
“We need to talk, D.”
Howie slowly got out of his seat and walked over to the window. He knew Brian was right, but was hesitant about talking to him. Not that he was still angry at him, he just.. He just didn’t want to, but knew he had no choice. His hands in his pockets, his head slowly hanging, he opened up to his friend. “I don’t want to hear your apology, Brian. I-”
“But-”
“I already know you’re sorry.” Howie softly said as he turned around to see Brian walking over to him, wearing a confused look on his face. Howie turned back around so he wouldn’t have to face him just yet. “I understand, Bri. Maybe I should’ve told you this earlier, maybe then I could’ve prevented all of the tension and stuff that has happened.”
“But-”
“I completely understand where you’re coming from Bri. When we heard that we were losing Caroline, I totally lost it. I yelled at my brother, my parents, saying it was their fault for not telling her to go see a doctor sooner. Ridiculous, I know. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. They were shocked over the things I said and the way I acted. You wouldn’t have recognized me, Brian. Seriously, I was like.. evil. The complete opposite of the Howie you know. When you started arguing about who was Nick’s best friend, I saw myself. And it scared me.
I should’ve spoken up, should’ve talked to you about it, but then I’d have no choice than to acknowledge my own behavior years ago. I couldn’t.. I was horrible back then, Bri. My parents, they were already in so much pain knowing they’d lose their daughter. I should’ve been there for them, instead of acting so-”

“Howie, it’s okay.. You don’t need to-” Brian interrupted, placing his hand on the other men’s shoulder as he stood next to him, both of the men staring out of the window at the early morning traffic.
“Yes, I do.” Howie whispered. “I want you to know-”
“That you understand? I know D. I knew before we talked. I knew because of the way you were protective of Nick. You did the right thing by telling me off. Really, I needed to hear that from someone other than Alex or Kevin. Someone who could really give me a wake-up call. I now know that I was destroying Nick instead of helping him. You did the right thing. Are we okay?” Brian turned his head to look at his friend, who sadly smiled at him, then hugged him. “Yeah, we are. I just wish things we’re different.”
“Don’t we all, D.” Brian whispered as he hugged his friend back. “Don’t we all..”

~~~~

“Kevin?”
“Yes Nick?”
“Before I crash, can we talk for a bit?”
“Sure buddy..” Kevin nodded as he sat down, looking up at the youngest who was obviously looking for something in one of his two suitcases. Nick turned his head to look at him, “That is, if I can find what it is I want to give you.”
“Gee, and people still wonder why we call you Kaos.” Kevin smiled.
“Ah, here it is!” Nick walked over to the couch and sat down next to the eldest, holding a bunch of papers. “Kevin, these are the papers you’ll need in case I- in case I won’t make it.”
“Don’t say that Nicky.” Kevin swallowed as he felt tears working their way up to his eyes.
“I have to, Kev. Listen, I don’t trust myself with these, I couldn’t even find them now when they HAD to be in one of those suitcases. You’re the most responsible out of all of us. I know you won’t lose them. It’s my will, my..” Nick cleared his throat. Saying these things, felt like giving up, even though he wasn’t planning on doing so. “My burial plot.. and everything else you’ll need. Will you please hold on to these for me? Just in case..”

Kevin slowly nodded, unable to speak. Finally, after what seemed to be hours, he turned to look at Nick, his eyes filled with tears. “I will.. but I can’t-”
“I know you can’t Kev, and that’s okay.. I asked Bri to carry out everything that’s in here.”
“I’m sorry..” Kevin choked out as he buried his head in his hands, crying silently, letting out a lot of hidden emotions. At first, the sight of his crying friend was uneasy for Nick, since it was mostly the other way around, but then he gently pulled Kevin into a hug, wincing at the pain in his chest, but biting his tongue to prevent the other man from noticing. He gently rubbed his back for a few minutes, before Kevin carefully pulled back, feeling guilty for letting his feelings show to the one person that really didn’t need to see that. “I’m sorry..”

“It’s okay, Kev. I know this situation is even harder on you than on the others. You know what this disease can do, you’ve seen it all, so I understand. Don’t worry alright? I understand why you can’t carry out my will if needed. That’s why I asked Bri to do so. Don’t feel guilty. I know you still feel like I am your responsability, but I’m not anymore, Kev. You don’t have to take care of everything and everyone all the time. I’m so thankful for all the times you looked out for me, but I’m an adult now, old guy.. I’m already so blessed to have you here with me right now. Thanks for everything, Kevin. Really. I love you, oldie..”
Kevin looked at the youngest with a mixture of pride, love and amazement. “Where was I when you grew up? When did you get so wise?”
“I learned it all from you, Kev..” Nick smiled. “I just stopped growing up when I felt that if I grew more, I would never pull pranks on you again. I have my limits, ya know..”
“Dumbass. You’re still a dumbass, but I guess that’s why I love you..” Kevin smiled. “But seriously, I’m proud of you, Nick. You’ve become such a wonderful person. Really. I don’t know what to say except that I’m proud to be your friend. Thank you.”

Nick nodded his head, then covered his mouth while he yawned.
“Alright, I think it’s time to try and get some rest. But hey, as much as I love you Kev.. You’re sleeping on the couch!!”
“Smartass.. Such a damn smartass..” Kevin chuckled as he watched Nick close the door to his bedroom behind him.
“I heard that!!”

~~~~

“Kev!!! KEV!”
“Huh? Wha?” Kevin opened his eyes to see Nick standing over him. Slowly he sat up and rubbed his face before looking at Nick, in whose eyes he saw a mixture of panic and amusement. “What Nick?”
“You’ve got a problem!!” Nick smiled.
“Huh?” Kevin was still a bit sleepy and had no idea what the other man was talking about.
“It’s 12.35!!!” Nick chuckled.
“Damn..” Kevin whispered, knowing he was going to hear this for a long, LONG time.
Quickly he got up and gently hugged Nick. “Are you ready to go, buddy?”
“Yeah.. Have been for half an hour!” Nick said as he pointed to a backpack standing in front of the door so he wouldn’t forget it. In it were papers from his doctors from the United States, a dictionary and some other stuff that might be important during his appointment with Dr. Schagen.
“You WHAT?! And you didn’t wake me?!” Kevin shook his head, already knowing how Nick would respond. “Hell no.. Can’t let an opportunity like this pass me by!” Nick laughed as the two men walked out of the hotelroom and over to the elevators.

As they arrived in the lobby, the place where they had agreed to meet up, Kevin knew he wasn’t going to get away with being too late. And indeed, he wasn’t. A.J. was the first to notice them walking out of the elevator, so got up and saluted to Kevin. “Sir, you’re late, sir!”
Brian walked over to stand beside him. “Sir, how come, sir?!” Howie bursted into laughter at the sight of a blushing Kevin, a laughing Nick and A.J. and Brian who were trying to hold back theirs. “Owh shut up. Let’s get going.” Kevin mumbled as he started walking over to the other elevator that would take them to the underground parking-lot, the other men following him while they were giving each other high-fives or pat the eldest on the back. “Why?” Brian mouthed to Nick, who in reply mouthed “Old age. Sleep.” which made them both laugh out loud. In response, Kevin turned around and gave them strange looks, before he shook his head and turned back around again. “Kids.. I tell ya..” he whispered.

Twenty minutes later, the guys were driving around in circles, completely clueless of where they were.
“Kevin, I thought you checked how to get there?”
“I did Brian, but..” Kevin let out a sigh. “I forgot to bring the driving instructions.”
“That’s just great.” A.J. mumbled. “Old age must be getting to you, since normally you don’t forget ANYTHING, even when we want you to..”
“Owh shut it..” Kevin mumbled, trying to find a road sign saying where he should go.
“Maybe we should just ask someone for directions..”
“Yeah right, D. That would hurt his pride.” Nick replied. “Wouldn’t it, Kevy?”
“Would y’all STOP talking?!” Kevin yelled, knowing he had no choice but to ask anyone for directions, otherwise they’d be late for their appointment.

As soon as he could, he pulled over to a bus stop and opened his window. “Miss?” he asked a young woman in her twenties who was listening to music on her iPod. Obviously she didn’t hear him, but she did see the car and walked up to it as she took the white earplugs out. “Ja?”
“Do you know how I can get to the Erasmus Medical Centre?” Kevin asked her, lightly surprised by the fact that she didn’t seem to recognize him or the others for that matter. “Sure, you just missed it. Turn back around, then drive two blocks in that direction, take a left turn and drive straight ahead for about 200 meters. Finally take a left at the Hogeschool Rotterdam, which is a huge grey building you can’t miss. Then you should see a huge white complex, which is the EMC. Think you can find it?”
“I think we can. Thank you for your help!”

Just as he was about to drive off, Nick opened his window in the back. “Miss, can I ask you something?”
“Sure you can.” She smiled at him.
“What were you listening to?” he asked.
“You guys.” She smiled. “You’ll be in my thoughts, Nick.” She turned around and walked back to the bus stop, putting the earplugs back in.
“Never gone.” She mouthed to the men before Kevin drove off.

“What happened to the days they’d get hysterical when they saw us?” Nick smiled, obviously touched by the girl’s simple, but genuine comment.
“We aren’t they only ones who got a little older and wiser, buddy.” Brian replied as he placed his hand on his best friend’s shoulder.
“But tell me, WHY did you ask her that?”
“Dunno.. Always wanna know what people are listening to.. Curious..” Nick shrugged.
“Nosy is what it is.” Howie smiled. “I’m just thankful she didn’t draw attention to us.”
“Yeah, so am I..” Nick whispered. “So am I..”
Brian gently squeezed his shoulder, knowing Nick was thankful, but sad at the same time. In the old days, they’d sometimes get tired of all the craziness, but now they missed it and he knew it was mostly affecting Nick that they had to give up touring, seeing the fans and singing on stage, giving them a wonderful night out.

A few minutes later they saw the enormous white complex in front of them. “Ah, here we are. Erasmus Medical Center. Thanks to the Miss at the bus stop that is. Not thanks to old Kevy.” A.J. grinned. “Now we gotta find where we should be in 10 minutes..”
As soon as they parked the car, Brian got out and asked an old lady for directions. “Miss, can you tell us where the main entrance is?”
“Ik versta je niet schat..” she replied as she walked out of the parking lot. “Sorry to bother you.” Brian smiled as he turned around to face A.J. who was laughing at him. “Nice try, Rok.. Don’t think the old people here understand English, especially when it comes with your accent..”

“Quick to judge, are you?” someone said from behind the five men, which startled them as they turned around to see a man in his fifties who was obviously enjoying the sight of a embarrassed A.J. whose cheeks were flushing with red. “Not all ‘old’ Dutch people are stupid when it comes to understanding foreign languages. So, the main entrance. You see those stairs over there? Go up, walk straight ahead and you’ll see a sign saying ‘Hoofdingang’. Enter through there and go to the reception desk if you have an appointment. Have a nice day gentlemen.” The man smiled. “And be careful, most Dutch people understand English, even if it’s a little bit.”
“T-thanks sir.” A.J. stuttered, feeling stupid for his comment.
Brian hit him over the head. “Now who’s stupid?” the Kentuckian chuckled.
“Yeah yeah, let’s get going before-”
“You say something stupid again. Yeah, let’s get going.” Kevin laughed.

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse had drawn some of Nick’s blood so the lab could do some tests and now they were waiting for someone to take them to Dr. Schagen. They all knew this was their last attempt to find a cure for Nick, to try and rewrite his future and it scared them all more than they’d ever admit.
“Nick Carter?” a woman’s voice said. He looked up to see a woman in her forties smiling at them, waiting for an answer.
“That’s me.” He carefully got up out of his seat to try and prevent dizziness from taking over, then wiped his sweaty palms dry on his jeans.
“I’m Dr. Schagen, if you’d please follow me to my office. Can you walk or-”
“I can walk, thank you.”
The other four men got up as well, as they had agreed to be there with Nick every step of the way.
“The small conference room across from my office might be a better idea.” She smiled as she noticed them getting up and following them. “Is it a problem? Otherwise they can wait here.” Nick nervously asked, not wanting them to stay behind, but not wanting to cause any trouble either. “Not a problem at all. You’re lucky to have so much support.” She opened the door and motioned for the five men to sit down. “I’ll be right back.”
“She seems nice.” Brian nervously smiled. “Yes she does..” Nick responded.

Silence and tension grew thick in the room as they waited for her return. A few minutes later she did, holding a tray on which were cups, two thermos, sugar, milk and a glass filled with stirring-sticks made of wood. Another woman walked in, holding what was probably Nick’s medical file. She put it on the table before she exited the room and closed the door behind them. Dr. Schagen now introduced herself to all of the men and they did the same. When everyone was provided with a cup of coffee or tea, she sat down.
“So how are you feeling today, Mr. Carter?”
“Just say Nick, Doctor. And to answer your question. I feel awful.” Nick admitted. “But that’s partly jetlag I guess. So in all honesty, I can’t say how I’m feeling right now.”
“I understand, I didn’t realize you just arrived yesterday. Well Nick, to be honest with you, you won’t be feeling any better by the time we’re through with examining you. We got your medical file, but we want to make sure we know exactly what we’re dealing with. We’ll try to make it as painfree as possible, but it is going to hurt.”
“I understand.” Nick nodded. “It’s not as if I have a choice.”

“We’ll do everything we can to make it as comfortable as possible, Nick. Alright, I have to ask the rest of you to wait here while we examine your friend, because five hot men in a examination room might cause overheating amongst the nurses.” Dr. Schagen joked which brought smiles to the men’s features and it relieved some of the tension. “If you want to, one of your friends can come along so he can help with the translation of things and just keep you company. We will tell you what we’re going to do before each test and what it’s for. That’s easier than telling you everything now, alright? A nurse will come get you in a few minutes. I’ll go prepare some of the tests now myself. I’ll see you in a few, and you gentlemen, I’ll see after the test results get in.” Dr. Schagen got up, smiled at them, and removed herself from the room.

“Uh.. Frick?” Nick glanced as his best friend, not knowing how to actually ask him to please acompany him while he was going to be examined.
“Yes Frack, I’ll go with you if that’s what you want.”
“It might not be a pretty sight though.” Nick sighed, as he remembered her saying it would be painful. He hated the pain, he was in enough pain already, but it had to be done. Like he said to her, he had no choice than to go through with this.
“I don’t care.” Brian smiled. “I’m here for you Nick. Unless you have to get naked, then you’re on your own.”
His joke brought a sad smile onto Nick’s features.

A few seconds later, a nurse opened the door and asked him to come along, so Nick got up and received hugs from the other three men before he started walking out of the door. “Hey Nick..” he heard Howie say, so he turned around. “We’ll pray for you, okay buddy?” the Latino smiled. Nick nodded before he walked out of the conference room, followed by Brian who closed the door behind him. Little did they know that the pain the examinations would cause would almost be unbearable.

This chapter is completely written by A-rok Obsession.. Last one was from me.. so now it's her turn.. She told me this is just part ONE from her add.. so the next one(s) will be written by her too.. Please review! I think she did a great job with this one, but we like to hear other opinions too! And once again, we'd like to thank everyone for their reviews so far..
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Neither of them were speaking, the fear and anxiety in each man wrapping them up too tightly to allow them to utter a single word. Uncertainty hovered, kissing them sweetly as it darted in and out of their hearts, causing each man to take a deep breath every now and then, forcing themselves to keep calm. Nick sat silently on the exam table, his hands unfolding and folding themselves subconsciously in his lap as he gently kicked his feet back and forth, a dull and rhythmic 'thud....thud....thud...' resounding through the room every few seconds.

The youth's ocean blue gaze stayed fixed on his hands, his mind swirling with a million thoughts. Pearl white teeth trapped his bottom lip in their grasp, chewing on it numbly as he thought about the possible outcomes of today. Was he going to be walking out of this hospital to start the beginning of an end? Or would he finally be able to start his future again? His eyes fluttered shut momentarily and he let out a quiet sigh; God did he hate waiting.

Brian stood tentatively in the corner of the room, his arms crossed tightly across his chest, almost as if it was in an effort to muffle the furious beating of his heart. He shifted from one foot to the other in sheer apprehension, the feelings running through him too great to allow him to stay still. Sapphire eyes darted from the clock placed strategically on the wall over the door, to Nick, the older man keeping a trained eye on his youngest friend.

The Kentuckian's tongue snaked out every few moments, moistening his lips as he tried to force himself to say something reassuring, never succeeding in doing so and always relenting with a muted sigh. Why was he having such a difficult time saying something to comfort his friend? It was what he had always done. It had been Brian who had checked under the beds and locked the closet door, assuring Nick there were no gremlins or boogeyman hiding out to get him. Brian who had repeatedly assured Nick that Kevin didn't hate him, that he was simply trying to make sure Nick stayed safe and well.

And when Nick had been young, sick and feeling all alone, it was Brian that had held him while he cried, whispering soothing words to him in an effort to calm him down. He was Nick's security blanket, in so many ways and his big brother in so many other. So why was he failing Nick now? A large sigh escaped from him as he thought over the answers. Because this wasn't about fairytale creatures and bouts of homesickness. This was life and death. The rawest form of reality. The sounds of a coughing fit broke him from his thoughts and his eyes immediately snapped to Nick, a frown surfacing on his features.

"You okay Frack?"
"Yeah," Came the response after a moment of silence, followed by a deep intake in breath. "Just peachy."
A ghost of a smile appeared on Brian's face and he pushed himself away from the wall, shoving his hands into his pockets as he moved to stand before the blonde. "Doctor seems to be taking her sweet time, huh?"
"I guess." Nick nodded, a light grin surfacing on his face. "Thanks for coming and waiting with me Bri."

"I'm surprised you didn't want AJ here instead." The older man had meant the comment in all seriousness, but it flew out of Brian's mouth dripping with sarcasm, causing Nick to sigh softly, rolling his eyes as he shot Brian a glare. "We're back to that, huh?"
"I-"
"Brian, what the hell upsets you so much about me spending so much time with AJ?"
"I-I don't," Brian paused and raked a hand through his hair. "God Nicky, I don't know. I just....I wish you had stayed at my house."

The sentence was said very quietly and Nick almost missed it, a large frown taking shape on his tired features when he heard it. "Why? Frick it made no sense to stay at your house. Between Leigh and Baylee...I'd always be getting sick cuz of the chemo. I mean, we talked about all of this."
"I know! I know." The Southerner sighed again, gently leaning against the exam table next to Nick. "I just...things changed between us when Leigh and I got married. We got distant, and I felt it happen more when Baylee was born. Now all this crap is happening and I...I feel like I'm scrambling to make sure...if things...if things end, they end with us as Frick and Frack, you know?"
A small lump formed in Brian's throat and he directed his gaze to the floor. "Like how it used to be. The two of us...best friends. When I was the Frick to your Frack and there wasn't a day that went by when we didn't talk. Now...I-I see how close you and AJ are and I just....I just don't want you to go forgetting us. Forgetting us and our friendship and how it used to be."

Nick stayed silent for a long time, a sad smile on his face as he blinked back a few tears.
"Do you remember the talks we used to have about AJ? How I felt about him when I was just a kid?"
"Yeah," Brian nodded. "You always used to say he was a wannabe bad boy. And how you couldn't stand him most of the time."
"My relationship with AJ was never the best." Nick sighed. "I mean, with Kevin, he was my pain in the ass, older brother, father figure. Howie was my comic relief, my soft older brother who I knew would let me do what Kevin told me I couldn't." A laugh fell away from Nick and he looked over at Brian, nudging him softly. "And you were my partner in crime. My best friend. The one who understood everything and was always there for me. But AJ...by the time I actually got to the age that AJ wouldn't completely ignore me, he was already starting to slide downhill. I mean, Bri...I know AJ and I love him to death but I've never really KNOWN him."

"I don't really understand," Brian's eyes were searching Nick's, trying to see where he was going with his explanations.
"We had so many years of us, Brian. So many Frick and Frack times...I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. They were some of the best times of my life. I mean, there were plenty of times after you got married that I wished things could go back to the way they had been. And I wished that Leigh had never come into your life...only because I felt as though she had taken my place."
"She could never-"
"I know that." Nick interjected quickly. "But then I realized, that you can't rewind time.
Bri, we'll ALWAYS be Frick and Frack, just like we'll ALWAYS be the Backstreet Boys but OUR days are gone."
"They don't have to be."
"Yes they do Frick. They do because what existed during that time period could never exist again today. We had our time."

"So what are you trying to say? That you're replacing what we had with what you and AJ now have?"
Nick rolled his eyes at the statement, "Don't be so stupid Brian."
Brian's eyes narrowed and he shook his head, "You're the one saying-"
"I'm SAYING, that what you want isn't possible. You're trying to bring back something that died and it's not going to happen. We've grown apart Brian, yes. I admit that. But our friendship is still just as strong. You're looking at it in the wrong light. With AJ," The younger man trailed off and shrugged lightly. "I have all these memories with you and Kev and D but the ones I have with Jay....they could be better. This could be all the time I have left Bri. And I don't want to die wishing I had made more of an effort to strengthen my friendship with AJ."

"But that shouldn't mean you push the rest of us away." The Kentuckian muttered.
"I'm NOT pushing ANYONE away." Nick said with exasperation. "Listen to me Brian. Our friendship is solid. Nothing can shake me from you and nothing can take away what we've had and have. The same goes for Kev and Howie. But things with AJ have always been shaky. I'm just trying to solidify them. You understand?"

Brian stayed quiet for a few minutes, wondering when Nick had grown up. When he had missed the transformation from a goofy, shy little kid, to this mature and wise beyond his years person that sat next to him?

"I'm still your Frack, Bri." The youth added, "I've just grown up. Being in this situation has taught me a lot of things. And made me realize a lot more."
"I'm sorry." Brian finally got out, feeling it was the only appropriate thing to say. "I've been such an asshole. I've just been so caught up in the idea of losing you...God, I can't even take imagining life without you."
"Let's hope you won't have to anymore." Nick said softly, looping an arm around Brian's shoulders. "Just give AJ a break...he's not doing anything wrong."
"Yeah. I know. We talked things out."
"Good." The younger man nodded. "I hate to be the one to break up the famous pairing the fans are always gushing over.
What'd they call you guys again?"

"A-rok." Brian said with a smile. "A for AJ then, Rok for B-rok."
A few snickers left Nick and he rolled his eyes playfully. "Creative."
"I thought it was cute." The Kentuckian laughed. "Frick and Frack and A-rok."
"Aren't you popular?"
"Shut-up Nicky." Brian pulled Nick into a soft hug, messing gently with his hat as Nick laughed. The door to the room opening caused both men to fall silent, the doctor stepping into the room with a small smile. "I'm sorry for the wait. We needed to prep a bunch of tests but we're ready for you now Nick. We're going to be doing some tests in another room, then come back here and do the rest. Ready to go?"

Nick shot a nervous look to Brian who reached over and squeezed his leg reassuringly. "I'm right here Frack." He whispered as a wheelchair was rolled in and Nick nodded before hesitantly climbing off the table and sitting down in it.
"I know." Nick breathed, allowing the nurse to wheel him out of the room, the doctor and Brian in tow. Moving down the hallways, Nick felt his stomach twist and turn, the fear beginning to manifest itself in his body. This was it.

Kevin, Howie and AJ were waiting; none of them too happy to be doing so. While AJ and Kevin had resigned to simply sitting in silence, lost in their own thoughts, Howie had pulled out his cell phone after about 10 minutes of quiteness and had been clicking away on it ever since, the repetitive 'tik-tack-tik' threatening to drive Kevin to insanity. The noise had gotten on the older man's nerves so much at one point, that he had abruptly gotten to his feet, glared pointedly at Howie for a moment before stomping three or four chairs down and falling into one with a slew of muttered choice wording and what could only be described as a low growl.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Kevin had slumped his form down low in te chair, looking as though he would kill the next person that dared to approach him. Howie had experienced the whole matter with an air of confusion, a baffled expression painted on his features as he watched his eldest friend, knowing better than to say anything. So he had simply kept his mouth shut, staring as Kevin had sat back down with a huff, his eyes on the door.

Letting out a muted sigh, the Latino had shrugged to himself before flipping his phone back open, his attention back on the device. AJ had observed the exchange between his two older friends in a detached manner, his body low in the uncomfortable chair placed on the opposite side of the room, his eyes lazily sweeping over them as he tried not to think. His head was pounding, the sudden onslaught of a headache not helping to improve his mood.

Chocolate colored eyes jerked back and forth from the floor to the clock over the receptionist's desk, a hissed, "Fuck," slipping away from the rebel ever half a second or so. He desperately wanted a cigarette to calm his nerves, his mind debating over the idea for the past half an hour or so. AJ let his head fall back lightly, rolling his eyes back and resting them on the ceiling as he let out a long sigh. He couldn't take waiting like this. Couldn't handle not knowing what was going on. Another breath left him and he shut his eyes roughly; there it was again.

The little voice that had been asking the same question over and over ever since Nick and Briad had left; why hadn't Nick chosen him? His hand came up, rubbing tiredly over his face before dropping back down, his eyes still shut. Why, why, why? He made the most sense, didn't he? He knew the most about Nick's conditions. AJ wouldn't deny how much he had been enjoying his time with the younger man. Nor would he necessarily deny, how jealous, even if it was in the smallest way, he had always been of Nick and Brian's friendship in years past. The rebel knew for a fact his ties with his four bandmates were strong but he also knew how much more of an effort he could have made to strengthen them.

And now that Nick was in the condition he was in, AJ found himself desperately wishing he had made more of an effort towards his youngest friend. Whether his feelings were attributed to his sobriety or Nick's ordeal with cancer, AJ wasn't sure but if there was one thing he walked away with from this whole situation, it was that tomorrow was never a guaruntee. A concept he had always known but never truly understood. Peeking his eyes open, he lifted his head, glancing out the clock before letting out a groan when he noticed only 10 minutes had passed from the last time he had checked. Shaking his head, he slowly got to his feet, finally giving into temptation and his nicotine addiction.

Taking a moment to stretch, he yawned, pulling a pair of sunglasses from his pocket and throwing them on as he headed towards the doors.
"And where are you going?" Kevin's voice was low and steady, causing AJ to turn at the address, a barely visable smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth when he got a look at his eldest friend. The older man looked so moody, it was almost comical. Then again, AJ supposed Kevin had every right to be on edge; they all did. "AJ?"
"For a walk. To get some air, I don't know." AJ supplied with a short shrug. "I just can't take sitting here anymore dude. I'm going insane." The fact that he was going for a cigarette was left out, the rebel knowing perfectly well that Kevin would murder him for still lighting up.
"It's only been like 45 minutes AJ," Howie sighed, glancing up from his cell phone. "Are you really that restless?"

"He has every right to be." Kevin muttered through clenched teeth. "Or have you forgotten why we're here?"
"I was just saying-"
"Howie, it's fine." AJ interjected quickly, trying to prevent the the outbreak of an argument. "Look, I'll only be gone for a few."
"Fine." The eldest relented. "Just don't go too far."
"It's a hospital Kev," AJ sighed, slightly rolling his eyes behind his tinted sunglasses. "The furthest I could go is like a dozen or so floors up." He recieved a curt nod in response before Kevin snatched up a magazine, hiding behind it stiffly. "D, give me a holler if anything happens, okay?"
"Sure thing." Howie nodded, his focus back on his cell phone. Turning back around, AJ headed out of the room, heading down the hallway in what he assumed was the correct direction of the elevators. He was more than halfway down the hall when,

"Oh for heaven's SAKE! Will you shut OFF that damn PHONE?!" Came echoing down the quite hallway, the frustration heard clearly in Kevin's voice. A small chuckle tumbled out of AJ as he spotted the elevators, stepping in one and taking it down to what he hoped to be the ground floor. Exiting the lift, he confusingly followed the signs, a frown etched onto his features as stopped for a moment, hands shoved deep into his pockets as he looked to his left, then to his right, trying to figure out what the signs were saying, arrows pointing in various directions.

"Shit." He cursed, glancing left and right again. "C'mon McLean, this isn't rocket science." Rolling his eyes, he turned left, an exasperated sigh leaving him as he found himself entering what seemed to be another waiting room, instead of the entrance to the hospital. Why had the route seemed so simple on their way in? Glancing around the spacious room, he found it mostly empty, aside from a couple sitting nervously off to the side. AJ held back a groan of frustration when he noticed there was no one at the receptionist's desk, stepping a few paces back and glancing down the empty hallways before shaking his head again. He was in the middle of debating on whether or not to attempt to ask the couple for directions when a doctor quickly entered the room, sending the duo immediately to their feet.

The man approached them almost hesitantly and AJ suddenly felt as though he were invading a private moment, an uncomfortable feeling rushing over him. Despite his feeling to leave, the rebel found himself stuck in a complete stupor, unable to tear himself away from the scenerio unfolding before him. He watched as the doctor attemped a smile, failing miserably as he let out a large sigh before slowly shaking his head. AJ saw the man cover his mouth in complete horror, saw the woman practically deflate as she fell against the man, all the color draining from her face.

Words were spoken softly, swirling around AJ's head in an incomprehensive manner but he felt the chills run down his spine none the less. He watched as the man nodded numbly, as the woman began to cry, as the doctor walked out of the room looking aged and defeated. And then he heard her scream. A long, desperate scream that ripped through AJ like nothing he had ever felt before. It sent shock waves through his body, the loss and pain hitting him in every direction. It took everything in him to keep his composure, images of Nick flashing before his eyes. Taking a deep breath in an effort to keep himself together, AJ forced himself out of the room, tearing his eyes away from the now hysterical couple, and concentrating on finding the way out of the hospital.

He found it after a few moments, rushing out the door and around the corner, immediately spotting a table and a bench of to the side, slightly hidden in the shadows. Walking over to it, he patted his pockets down, yanking his pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket and lighting one. Taking a deep drag, he blew the smoke out slowly, trying to calm his nerves as he took a seat on the table, placing his feet on the bench and letting his head drop slightly. "Jesus Christ." AJ whispered, running his free hand over his head and tugging his cap down tightly.

He shakily brought the cigarette up, taking another drag as he tried to get the sound of the woman screaming out his mind. Why had the affected him like that? "Because that could be Nicky." He breathed, answering his own question. Although he hadn't understood verbally what had happened, AJ assumed from the reaction the couple had given that they had lost either a child or a very close family member. And all the rebel could think of as he had watched them, was a doctor coming out to tell them Nick couldn't be helped. Or that a few months from now, Nick had died. A shudder ran through him as he took a final drag from the cigarette before flicking it to the ground. Bringing both hands down, he pushed himself off the table, stomping on the cigarette and sitting down heavily, resting his head in his hands.
"Chill McLean. Just Chill."

The loud ringing of his cell phone made him jump and he dug it out of his pocket, quickly glancing at the caller ID before answering. "McLean."
"Now, I know you have caller ID on that phone. Why do you insist on answering like that?"
A dim smile appeared on AJ's face and he let lose a small breath, "Hey Mom."
"Hi baby. How are things going over there?"
"Okay. Nick is doing all the testing and Rok is with him. Kev, Howie and I are waiting."
"Are you in the waiting room? It's awfully noisy on your end."
"I'm....outside. Needed some air." He heard his mother let out a 'tsk' and closed his eyes for a second. She always knew.
"Alex, are you having a cigarette?" Denise demanded, continuing at his silence. "You are! I thought with all the stuff going on with Nick that you were going to quit?"
"I know, I know." AJ sighed. "I'm trying. I just needed something to calm my nerves. Especially after...." He trailed off and sighed again. "Just after some shit."

"Did something happen?"
The rebel hesistated for a moment before spilling the entire story to his mother, feeling a little bit better after he had explained everything. "I don't know Mom," He was mumbling. "I mean, I don't get why it hit me like that. I've known since day one that there was always a possibility of Nick...I mean, I-I'm the one that's been there like every step of the way. I know that things....if this doesn't work, I know...I just, I don't understand why it bothered me so much."
"What do you know honey?"
"What?"
"Alex, you keep saying you know. What do you know? Baby," Denise let out a long sigh before contiuing, "Listen, I talked to Howie the other day. He's worried about you. You're keeping all your feelings about Nick in....and he's worried about the toll it's taking on you."
"I don't-"
"Look, honey, I know you don't like talking about these things. And I don't expect you to spill all your feelings to me. Even though I am your mother." The last part was said in teasing and AJ forced out a laugh, "But baby, listen to me, okay?"
"Yeah."

"As much as it pains me to say it, and I've known Nick as long as you have, I remember him as that goofy, scared little kid too; but, sweetie, you've got to prepare yourself for the fact that Nick may die. And that he may die soon."
"He's NOT gonna-"
"Yes. Alex, he might." The older woman interruppted. "I know you don't want to think about it, neither do I. Nick isn't much younger than you....you don't think I look at him and think that it could have easily been my baby instead of Jane's? But the reality of the situation is the Nick's odds are against him right now. And I hate seeing you build this mountain of false hopes, only to have it come crashing down around you."

"But he's got a chance," AJ protested weakly. "The doctor's said..."
"He does have a chance, yes. But there's also a chance this could go the other way. Sweetheart, I'm just worried that you are holding all this in and it's going to be too much for you. I don't want you to turn to alcohol again like you did when Grandma died."
"I am NOT going to start drinking again."

"I'm just worried honey. Just please, promise me you'll talk to someone or at least accept the idea that Nick could die. Please, baby?" AJ stayed silent for a moment before shaking his head vigourously, "I'm not going to accept the idea Mom. I'm not because it's not going to happen." And before he could even think about anything else, he hung up the phone, tossing it down, open on the table. "It can't happen."

Howie was staring blankly at the magazine he was currently holding, one of his legs stretched out before him, the other bouncing up and down in trepidation. His body sat low in the chair, one hand idly tapping the armrest as his eyes routinely glanced at the watch on his wrist, muted sighs leaving him. He couldn't concentrate on anything, couldn't focus since Brian and Nick had left. He considered pulling his cell phone out, quickly dismissing the idea when he glanced over at Kevin, the older man having threatened him with bodily harm if he heard the sound of Howie's keys clicking again. A frown took place on his face and he looked at the magazine again, scowling when he suddenly noticed it was open to an article on NSYNC. Flipping the pages, he rolled his eyes before letting out a long breath, tossing the magazine down and sighing in exasperation.

"Would you stop sighing?" The older man snapped, shooting a glare at Howie who glared right back. "Only if you take the stick out of your ass." Came the retort as Howie shook his head, "I'm getting sick you snapping at me every two seconds. Chill out Kevin."
"Chill out?" Kevin repeated incredulously, "Chill out?! How the hell do you expect me to relax knowing what we're waiting for? Jesus Christ Howie, don't you get what all this is coming down to?"
"I know exactly where all this is going."
"Then how could you even expect me t-"
"Because being an asshole isn't going to save Nick!" The Latino half yelled, his brown eyes blazing with frustration. "Dammit Kev, I'm just as worried as you are! Stop thinking you're the only one that gives a shit. I've got a news flash for you; you're not." Kevin directed his angry emerald gaze from Howie to the floor, a large frown on his face as he remained silent. Uncrossing his arms, he raked his hands roughly through his hair, tugging on it as he let a groan mixed with a sigh escape him, his head falling back slightly as he shut his eyes.

"I'm sorry D." Kevin mumbled softly, rolling his head to the side and attempting to smile at his younger friend. "I'm just so worried about everything," He trailed off with a long sigh, "I have this image in my mind. This picture of Nick walking out and telling us there's nothing the doctors can do. You know? And it just makes me...numb. Like how I felt when my Dad died." Howie nodded understandingly as he got to his feet, falling into a chair closer to Kevin. "Then I start thinking...if this doesn't work, then what? I mean, do we keep trying?"
"You think we shouldn't?" He was rewarded with a small shrug from the older man.
"I want to but it's kind of up to Nicky."
"You haven't really been thinking like that so far." Howie pointed out, shrugging himself as Kevin rolled his eyes. "I'm just saying."

"Where do you think AJ is?"
Howie blinked at the abrupt change in subject, forcing himself not to roll his eyes. There went Kevin's brick wall again. The younger man sighed instead, moving around in his seat as he tried to get comfortable. "Walking around, like he said, I suppose."
"Is AJ still smoking?"
"Not my place to say."
Kevin groaned at the response, his gaze sweeping over his bandmate as he shook his head in disbelief. "You're kidding me, right? He's still smoking?"
"Kev-"
"God, that kid can be so stupid! What if we end up going through all this shit again like 10 years down the road but with him? How could he even....I mean, knowing DAMN well that Nicky is in the position he is right now because of..." Kevin's sentence trailed off into silence, his mouth snapping shut in a firm line as he shook his head again.

"The doctor's never said Nicky's smoking was the factor that caused the cancer." Howie said softly, his eyes on the floor.
"He has lung cancer Howie, what else could have caused it?"
"I don't know. Listen, just cut AJ some slack Kevin. He's trying but he's stressed out."
"That's not an excuse."
"It can't be easy to see Nick at his lowest lows. AJ's still so much of a kid, I mean, he's only a couple of years older than Nick."
"I know." The two men fell silent for a few moments, both of them at a loss for words and glancing at the clock, sighs leaving them separately.

"You know," Howie began, turning to face his oldest friend. "I've been thinking, Kev. You remember the day Nick completely lost his temper with us?"
"Which day?" Kevin asked dryly, causing Howie to roll his eyes.
"The day he collapsed at AJ's." Kevin had to force himself not to wince at the memory, knowing he would never forget the panic that had surged through him when Brian had told him what had happened. Never forget the images that had flashed slide show like, before him as he drove to the hospital. Memories of Nick as a shy, little 12 year old; as a goofy teenager, always playing pranks; and a mature and level headed young man, who was so much more than many gave him credit for.

"Kev?" Howie's address broke him from his thoughts and he cleared his throat, nodding slowly. "What about it?"
"I was just thinking...maybe Nick was right in what he said. You know? About how we're pushing so hard to make up for losing Caroline and your dad."
"I'm pushing Nick because I don't want him to die, Howie. I assumed you felt the same."
"That's not what I mean and you know it."
"I'm not trying to make up for my father in anyway."
"Not even in the smallest way? Kev, you were like Nick's age, younger, when you lost your dad. And there was nothing you could do about it. Can you honestly sit there and say that all your researching and phone calls to find Nicky a doctor that could help him didn't have ANYTHING to do with the fact that this time you CAN do something?" Kevin had gone rigged in his seat at the words, his face pale. "I keep trying to unassociated Caroline with Nicky but the more I think about it, the more I realize I think I AM pushing Nick harder so I don't have to go through all that pain all over again."

"No one wants to go through the pain of losing someone." The eldest man forced out lowly, his green eyes staring straight ahead. "Yes, I was helpless when I lost my father but that has nothing to do with Nick."
"I think it has a lot to do with Nicky." Howie countered slowly, almost as if he were afraid to speak the words. "Maybe this is your way of making it up to your Dad. If Nick makes it, it'll be like your Dad making it."
"Don't you dare, presume how I feel about all this." Kevin growled as he whipped to face Howie, his eyes shooting sparks as he jumped to his feet. "I don't give a DAMN how much you've psychoanalyzed the situation or me. You have NO right to tell me how I’m dealing with Nick compared to my father. The two are NOTHING alike."

"You can't tell me all the work you did busting your ass had nothi-"

"I BUSTED MY ASS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT NICK TO DIE!" The older man yelled, causing Howie to jump in alarm as he cut him off. "What the FUCK is wrong with you?! What? Do you want me admit that going through all this again is KILLING me?"
"I-"
"Do you want me to admit that I hate not being able to help someone I consider to be like a son to me?! Do you want me to tell you how every time I even LOOK at Nick, I see my Dad flash before my eyes? Or how all I can think about is Nick's GODDAMN FUNERAL every time we enter a fucking hospital? Is THAT what you want?! IS IT?!" Kevin was screaming at Howie, who simply stared at him, wide eyed, his mouth open in shock.

"Kevin I-"
"Jesus Christ Howie....yes, I hated just having to sit and watch my dad die. Just like I'm sure you hated watching your sister slip away. And what, so maybe, maybe yes, that's why I'm trying a little bit harder with Nick. Trying to make sure this time the person I love makes it through. Trying to make sure this time, I don't have to watch everyone suffer and go through that loss. That feeling of unbelievable emptiness that," He stopped for a moment and choked back a sob, blinking harshly as he turned his eyes away, trying to keep his composure. "That never really goes away and that I never want to feel again. If that makes me guilty of pushing Nick harder then fine....I just don't want to lose someone else that I love with all my heart."
A few tears slipped from Kevin and he took in a shaky breath, walking to the other side of the room, his back to Howie.


"Shit." The Latino breathed, closing his eyes for a moment as he held back his tears. "We're completely falling apart."

~~~~~

AJ was crying. His body shaking with silent sobs as they ripped through him, one by one. His elbows were propped up onto the table before him, his cell phone open, discarded and forgotten. The rebel's head rested in his hands, his fingers raking through his hair as he clenched his eyes shut, willing the tears to stop. They flowed even heavier, his breath caught in his throat as he desperately tried to regain control of his emotions. His thoughts whirled through his mind, reality and wishful illusions colliding and producing a jumbled mess.

"Oh God," He choked out, his voice barely above a whisper. "Oh God..." All he could think about was what his mother had said, images of dreams he had been having flashing before his eyes. Nick's funeral, the burial...everything he was afraid of. Everything he didn't want to face. He couldn't keep doing this. All of the hiding, the pretending that everything was okay. That Nick's condition wasn't effecting him the way it truly was. The rebel half wanted to talk to someone....but who was there to talk to? Not his Mom. Brian was out of the question and so was Kevin. Howie...the older man was his best friend but AJ still didn't feel comfortable talking to him about all this. He could feel himself getting closer and closer to the breaking point, unsure of how much longer he could deal with the whole situation. "Oh God..."

Nick sat shivering on the exam table, his body leaning exhaustedly into Brian's, who sat beside him, an arm drooped around his shoulder, hugging him tightly, a thin blanket haphazardly covering the younger man's form.

"Well Nick, you made it through all the tests." Dr. Schagen concluded as she glanced through her records before shutting them and sending the pair a large smile. Brian slowly returned it, nudging Nick, who in turn, attempted a smile, failing miserably and settling for simply nodding.
"When will we have all the results?" Brian question softly, running his free hand through his hair. He was emotionally and physically exhausted from the testing process, and he hadn't even been the one being tested. The Kentuckian could only imagine how drained Nick was, though by a simple glance at the younger man, it was obvious how worn out he had become.

"A day or two," Dr. Schagen began to reply, trailing off when she noted the crestfallen looks on both men's faces. Biting her lip, she let out a quiet sigh, understanding their urgency. “Actually, I can put a rush on these. So, in about 4 or 5 hours?”
“That’s great. Thank you.”
“Thanks.” Nick added very softly, unsure of whether or not he really was in a hurry to discover the results. Did he really want to know that much sooner he was going to die? Then again, how much relief would it bring him to know there was going to a light at the end of this tunnel? He let out a breath, leaning more into Brian, almost as if the older man was his shield from reality.

“Well, I’ll leave you to get dressed and I’ll give you a call as soon as the results are ready.” With a small nod, Dr. Schagen made her way out of the room, shutting the door behind her and leaving the two men alone in silence.

“I guess you better get dressed Frack.” Brian finally sighed, rubbing the youth’s arm gently. “So we can get back to the fellas.”
“Yeah.” Came the muffled reply as Nick shut his eyes, rubbing a hand over his face. Brian could see all the marks decorating the blonde’s arms, each one a memory of a shot being administered, an IV being inserted, bone marrow being taken…the list went on and on. Brian had tried for the life of him to keep track of everything the had tested, knowing full well the detailed report Kevin would demand the moment he got him alone but at one point, he had simply given up, too distracted with trying to keep Nick calm. The older man had known from the start that going with Nick would be difficult, but he had never expected how deeply it would affect him. Nor how upset the youth had gotten.



“God, what is all this stuff?” Nick was whispering as he was wheeled into a large examination room, his blue eyes wide as they darted around. “Frick?”
“I don’t know buddy.” Brian was in awe himself, a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach as he watched the half a dozen or so nurses setting up various machines. A few machines Brian recognized, either from seeing them in movies or from actually experiencing them first hand when he had had his heart problem. But some of the larger machines; Brian shook his head. They looked so intimidating.

“Alright Nick, the first test I want to run on you, will be done by this machine here.” Dr. Schagen began to explain as Nick’s wheelchair was halted by one of the largest machines in the room. Brian fought to roll his eyes; of course. “This is what’s known as a Positron emission tomography test, or a PET test. Now, it’s completely painless-“
“Oh thank GOD.” Nick blurted out, causing both Brian and the doctor to chuckle. A light crimson spread to the younger man’s cheeks and he ducked his head, a small smile gracing his features. “Sorry. Go on.”

“Okay. So, what it roughly amounts to, is a big x-ray. What you’re going to do is lay on this stretcher here,” She patted the table before continuing, “And it’s going to slide into that tunnel looking part. Now, you’re going to stay in there for about half an hour to 45 minutes so we can get a complete and comprehensive scan of your internal organs. Also,” Dr. Schagen turned for a moment and picked up a paper cup that was less than half full, with a white and silver looking mixture inside, handing it to Nick.

“I’m guessing this isn’t a vanilla milkshake?” The youth sighed, swirling the cup around and frowning as the liquid barely moved. “What is this shit?”
“Nick!” Brian admonished, smacking his younger friend’s arms lightly. “I’m sorry,” He directed towards Dr. Schagen, shaking his head.
“It’s quite alright. I’d actually have to agree with Nick; that mixture is shit.” A small laugh left her at Brian’s puzzled look and Nick’s triumphant one and she nodded, “Allow me to clarify. This is a radiotracer, a radioactive substance we use to help us view the diseased areas in your organs. It’s most commonly given through an IV, however, I figured with all the other tests we’d be doing, I’d spare you a needle prick.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll warn you though, that has a most unpleasant taste.”

Nick brought the cup up to his nose, sniffing it before making a face. “That’s disgusting!” He shot a look at Brian. “It smells like Kevin’s socks after a concert.” A comically horrified, expression passed over the older man’s face and he mimicked fainting earning a genuine laugh from his youngest friend. “Talk about a double edged sword.” The Southerner laughed, patting the youth’s shoulder. “Sucks Nicky. What exactly does this do? I mean, why do you need it?”

“The chemicals in the tracer will disperse themselves throughout Nick’s system evenly. But in the areas where the cancer is, they’ll be thicker and more concentrated. It basically allows us to see clearly where and how much the cancer has spread.” Dr. Schagen answered. “Now, I need you to drink that and sit still for about 20 minutes in order to allow the chemicals to run through your system. No moving, no talking, no nothing once you drink that, okay?”

“Alright.”
“Once you’re in the machine, it’s going to be very important that you try not to move at all. Movement makes it harder for us to get a clear picture of what we need, understand?” Nick nodded slowly. “Sometimes patients experience a sense of claustrophobia during the test since it is a small space and you are in the dark. Are you claustrophobic?”
“Not that I know of.” Nick replied nervously, his palms beginning to sweat as he glanced at the machine.
“Good. Now, while you’re in there, you’ll be able to here my voice through a speaker system and Brian’s if you need to. We’ll be in another room where-”
“Brian can’t stay with me?” A panicked tone colored Nick’s voice and his gaze snapped to Brian, who sent him a gentle smile.
“It’s all good Frack. I can talk to you through that speaker. It’ll be like I’m right there with you. Okay?” He rubbed the younger man’s shoulder reassuringly.
“I-I guess.”

“Dr. Schagen? The PET machine is ready.” A nurse called, receiving a nod from the doctor. “Okay Nick, I need you to go ahead and drink the tracer.” Nick gulped, looking down at the liquid as he let out a small moan. “I’ll be back in about 20 minutes.”

“I should have just gotten it through an IV.” Nick muttered as he watched the doctor walk away from them, heading out of the room. “This is some disgusting ass crap.”
“Too late for shoulda, coulda, woulda’s Nicky.” Brian shrugged, standing in front of Nick and crossing his arms. “Now drink up.”
The youth sent his older friend a glare before reluctantly bringing the cup up and tipping it, allowing the liquid to hit his tongue. “FUCK!” The statement slipped away from Nick as he shook his head violently, spitting and sputtering as he tried to get the taste out of his mouth. “That’s DISGUSTING.” The liquid had a metallic taste to it, coupled with what almost tasted like liver and onions. It was a mixture that made Nick want to gag. “Fuck this bullshit! I ain’t drinking that shit.”
“Nickolas!” Brian hissed, “Knock it off. You need to drink that, it can’t be that bad.”
“Don’t ‘Nickolas’ me. You drink this shit and then tell me it’s not that bad.” Nick shot back as he mocked his older friend. “I can’t drink it.”
“You need to.”
“I want the IV instead.”
“Stop being such a baby.”
“I’m not being-”
“Like hell you aren’t.” The Kentuckian snapped. “Look, Nick,” Brian let out a sigh, as he fought to control his temper, crouching down in front of the chair and placing his hands on Nick’s legs. “This could be our chance to get you better. Please…if this is what it takes, why would you not jump at the opportunity?”

A long sigh left Nick and he rolled his eyes, biting down on his lip as he looked at the cup again. “Fuck.” He mumbled, pinching his nose as he brought the mixture up again. “Fuckin dirty, sweaty, tastin’ like Kevin’s socks death drink.” Nick rambled before tossing the liquid into his mouth. He gagged at it hit his tongue, his fingernails digging into the paper cup as he fought to keep it down. It slid down the back of his throat much more slowly than he wanted it to, slimy and cold, causing him to cough and choke, Brian whispering encouraging words in an effort to help him. “J-Jesus…” he gasped out, only to be silenced by Brian. “H-holy fu-fucking…”
“No talking Frack.” He reminded, wincing at the pained look Nick shot him. “I’m sorry buddy. It’ll be better soon.” Sitting back in the chair, Nick clenched and unclenched his hands, slowly releasing breaths as tears pooled in his eyes. Brian kept his gaze on the floor, straightening up and moving back to stand behind the wheelchair his hands gently rubbing Nick’s shoulders. He blinked harshly; knowing nothing he could say would make the situation better.

Dr. Schagen returned what seemed like hours later, a sympathetic smile on her features.
“Okay Nick, let’s get you up here on the stretcher.” A few nurses helped Nick onto the table and he swallowed harshly, his blue eyes wide as he laid down. “Brian and I are going to leave for the moment, we’ll be back when the test is over.”
“It’s gonna be okay Nicky,” Brian assured, stepping over squeezing Nick’s hand. “The worst part of this one is over.” Nick squeezed his hand back, a powerful urge not to let go washing over him and he shook his head, suddenly feeling very alone and very scared. A tremor ran through him as straps were fastened over his body, disabling most of his movements and making him feel completely trapped. “Frick…I don’t want you to leave.”
“Shhh. Buddy you can’t talk. It’s gonna be okay, trust me.” The older man smiled dimly, untangling his hand from Nick’s. One look at the younger man’s face almost caused Brian to lose his composure, seeing flickers of the scared little 12 year old boy he had so quickly bonded with. “Trust me Frack.” Tears slipped from Nick’s eyes and Brian forced himself to turn away, following the doctor out of the room and into a smaller observation room. The room had a bunch of computer monitors and a large window where Brian could see Nick lying on the stretcher, his eyes darting around. The table slowly jerked forward and it was only a matter of seconds before Nick’s body disappeared, completely within the tunnel.

Dr. Schagen flicked a few switched before pulling a long microphone forward, tapping on it before speaking. “Nick, can you hear me okay?”
“Y-yeah. Brian?” Nick’s voice was shaky and small and Brian bit down hard on his lip, wishing Kevin had come with them. The older man was a whole lot better at dealing with these situations than he was. “I-I wanna talk to Bri…” Dr. Schagen nodded and motioned him forward and he cleared his throat. “I’m here Frack. Just relax.”

“Okay Nick. We’re going to start the x-rays. Stay as still as possible and don’t talk anymore.” Dr. Schagen hit a few more buttons and Brian could see a circular tube sliding back and forth over the machine. Silence overwhelmed the rooms for about 15 minutes before it was broken by the sound of sniffling, soon coupled with slow sobs.
“How much longer?” Brian demanded softly, his sapphire eyes narrowed in worry. “He’s freaking out. Aren’t you done yet?”
“Almost. But not quite yet.” The words had just left Dr. Schagen’s mouth when a low scream came traveling through the microphone, causing both Dr. Schagen and Brian to jump in alarm.

“Get me out!” Nick’s voice shot through the room, panicky and high, a tone Brian had never heard before. “GET ME OUT! GET ME OUT!” He was screaming now, and Brian could hear the dim sounds of him banging on something. Sobs accompanied his screams and Brian felt chills run down his spine. “BRIAN! BRIAN!!! GET ME OUT! OH GOD, GET ME OUT!!”
“You heard him!” The Southerner cried, grabbing the microphone. “It’s okay Frack…calm down, just calm down. Breathe. We’ll get you out….just calm down! You’ve got to calm down!”
“I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I CAN’T….I-I….GET ME OUT!! BRIAN PLEASE! PLEASE! GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

Dr. Schagen said nothing, her face blank as she hit a few buttons, the stretcher sliding back into view. Brian tore from the room and back into the examination room, where Nick was weaving around on the table, his face pale, his body shaking. Eyes wide, his panic grabbed Brian and left him breathless, the older man’s hand’s shaking as he tried to undo the straps holding the younger man down.
“GET ME OUT! Oh GOD….BRIAN! Brian, help me please!!”
Dr. Schagen came running into the room a moment later, two nurses behind her, one of them holding a shot. Nick spotted it in a second, practically launching himself off the stretcher, into his older friend as Brian undid the last strap, causing both of them to hit the floor with a loud ‘thud’. The youth scrambled to get up, being caught fast by Brian who held him around the waist, trying not to lose his grip. “NO! NO! Keep them AWAY!”

Nick was fighting the older man’s hold, his height putting him at an advantage as he struggled against Brian, who was half sitting, half laying on the floor, trying to keep Nick from going anywhere. “It’s okay Frack! It’s okay! Calm down! I’m here! Brian’s here!” The older man was shouting over Nick’s screams, shaking his head at Dr. Schagen who was telling one of the nurses to get more people in the room. “No! Let me handle him. You’ll just scare him!”

“He’s a danger to himself!” Dr. Schagen was arguing, “We need to sedate him…it’s the safest thing to do!”
“NO!” Nick hollered, tears running down his face at a furious rate. Brian could feel his resolve weakening, his body giving into fatigue and he used that to an advantage, tightening his hold on Nick.
“Frack! Frack, listen to me! Calm down, calm DOWN! Frack, it’s all okay! I’ve got you. I’m here!” Nick finally seemed to listen to his older friend, his fight to get away disappearing as he collapsed against Brian, sobbing loudly. “It’s okay Nicky, it’s okay.”
“I c-can’t….I’m sorry. I’m s-so sorry…I can’t…”

This is a message from my co-writer, who wrote this chapter. PLEASE READ!! >>
I put a lot of thought into the second part of this chapter. I have a feeling it may hit some nerves. Without giving anything away, I know how sensitive a subject this is/was and I put it in here as a way to show people how hard times must be. Both fictional and maybe not. Anyways, I just hope no one misunderstands where this is coming from. Let me know what you think.
______________________________

Kevin stood silently in the empty bathroom, his body hunched over as he grabbed the sink with a white-knuckle hold. Emerald eyes bore straight ahead, completely unwavering, almost as if they were trying to see into a soul. The urge to blink broke the mask of unreadable emotions placed on the older man’s face and he bushed his body up slightly, flipping on the water and letting it run for a moment. Taking a deep breath, he bent down again, cupping his hands together and watching the cool liquid pool in his embrace before splashing it onto his face with a small gasp. Blinking roughly, he shut off the faucet, resuming his position as he watched the crystal beads trickle down his face, his mind a million miles away.
How long Kevin had been in the bathroom he was unsure of, having left Howie not long after their argument. Unable to stand the tension in the room, he had offered no explanation to his younger friend, simply turning on his heel after about five minutes of silence and finding the first place he could to try and sort his emotions out. Which was exactly what he was trying to do, frustration hitting him in every angle. Throughout this entire ordeal, he had sworn to himself that his father’s death would have nothing to do with Nick’s case; that he was fighting for Nick. Only Nick.

But that didn’t stop the flashes of his father’s funeral he saw every time he saw Nick asleep. Or the final moments of his Dad’s life that echoed in his mind whenever Nick mentioned dying. And the dreams that haunted him during the night, the ones that woke him in a cold sweat, his heart thudding. False memories of Nick’s funeral jumping before his mind, images of walking up to the casket only to find his father inside of it instead, shaking him to the core.

“So then who am I trying to save?” Kevin breathed, shutting his eyes roughly as he shook his head. Howie’s words had brought forth his worst fears and the more he considered his behavior, the more he realized that his father had everything to do with Nick. The harder he concentrated on his youngest friend, the more he saw his Dad at every turn. “But what am I supposed to do?” He shot his eyes upwards, moving away from the sink, beginning to pace the length of the room. “Is it right to think of you every time I look at Nicky? To want him not to waste away into nothing? Just like…” He paused for a moment and swallowed harshly, “Just like you did?” Kevin let out a deep breath, running his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even know what this is about.”

“I’m stuck there too.” The eldest turned at the sudden voice, his eyes landing at the door, where Howie uncertainly stood, his body shifting from foot to foot in an uncomfortable manner. His brown eyes were on the floor as he spoke, hands shoved deep into his back pockets. “I’ve been trying to find you.” A dim smile slid onto his face, lasting a moment before falling away. “This place is confusing as hell. I mean, I figured you’d be in the bathroom or something but it took me almost 15 minutes to find it.”

“You shouldn’t have left the waiting room.” Kevin snapped, his somber attitude diminishing as he moved to brush past the younger man, shoving the door open. Howie let a frown color his features, shaking his head as he hurried after the older man, falling into step behind him. “What if someone came looking for us?”
“We do have cell phones, Kev.” The Latino sighed as he entered the waiting room a moment after Kevin, who was glancing around the empty room with a large scowl on his face. “Kevin, look, I wanted to talk to you ab-”

“Where the hell is everyone?” The older man demanded, cutting off Howie as he walked towards the receptionist desk, placing his hands on the counter as he looked around, trying to find someone. “There hasn’t been anyone at this damn desk since we got here!” He fumed, slamming his hands down on the counter. “Do you have any missed calls?” Kevin was in the process of pulling his cell phone out as he asked, glancing at his screen before shooting a glare at Howie. “Well?”
“We weren’t gone that long,” The younger man tried, relenting as Kevin gave him a deadly look. Dragging his phone out and flipping it open he looked over it before shaking his head. “No.”

“Maybe I should call AJ. Brian may have called him first.” Kevin was in the middle of punching the numbers into his phone when it was snatched out of his grasp. “Hey!”
“Stop! Kevin…look, first of all, if Brian did call anyone, he would have called you first. Second, if he HAD called AJ, you know AJ would have called you. Third, we were gone for less than 20 minutes,” Howie let out a large sigh as he handed the phone back to Kevin. “So just chill out okay? Nicky is probably still doing all the testing. Now, would you please listen to me?” He asked as he fell into one of the chairs with a long breath. “I want to talk to you.”

“Fine.” Nodding curtly, Kevin dropped his cell phone back into his pocket, adjusting his stance as he turned to face his younger friend, crossing his arms over his chest. “Talk.” Biting back another sigh of exasperation, Howie nodded in return. “I,” He paused for a moment and ran a hand over his face tiredly. “I wanted to…apologize for what I said. I shouldn’t have assumed what I did about your feelings towards Nicky and you Dad.” The Latino shrugged, “I guess I just got up in my own apprehension and feelings and what I said…it was out of line. And…and I’m sorry.”

Kevin was silent for a moment before he sighed himself, redirecting his hands and shoving them into his pocket, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet as he thought things over. Licking his lips, he rolled his eyes, “It’s done with Howie.”
“Kev, listen-”
“D, you were right, okay?” The eldest rushed out, cutting off Howie who turned his eyes from the floor to stare at him. “What?”
Letting out a small groan, Kevin walked forward taking a seat next to Howie.
“As much as I try to deny it,” He trailed off for a moment and played with his jeans as he tried to find the right words. “I am trying to make up for losing my father. I mean, not completely but you were right. Every time I think about just sitting back and letting fate take it’s course, I remember how much it hurt just watching him slip away. How much pain it caused my family. So I push a little harder, hope a little more and pray to god that THIS time, this time things will be different.” Kevin let out a breath, his head falling slightly as he covered his eyes, rubbing his forehead. “But then I see how sick Nicky’s getting and know in my gut, that this….this time,” He shook his head, letting it drop further at a loss for words.

“Is going to be the same at it was last time.” Howie finished lowly, his gaze on the floor. “And all you can do is hope like hell that you’re wrong. And the dreams you have of carrying Nick’s casket to that damn graveyard, just like you carried your sister’s or father’s will never come true.”
“But then you remember how it was last time, all the hoping and praying and waiting.” Kevin added, nodding slowly. “All for nothing. But all we CAN do is wait. And that’s when the fear sets in. When the memories take over.”

“Kev?” Howie sighed after a long moment of silence.
The older man looked up at the address, his green eyes meeting Howie’s chocolate gaze.
“You know how they tend to say history repeats itself?”
“Yeah….”
“Pray like hell they’re wrong this time.”
“That’s all I’ve been doing from the start.” Came the soft answer as Howie nodded, leaning back in his chair. “I just don’t know if it’s enough.”

~~~~

AJ sat silently at the table outside, his cell phone folded and closed, laying next to him unused. Brown eyes were bloodshot and puffy, eyeliner smudged and smeared, a sight thankfully hidden behind colored lenses. His arms lay folded, his chin resting on top of them as he gazed wearily out at the world, feeling exhausted. Biting his lip, he let out a shaky breath; his breathing uneven as sniffles darted in and out of him.

Raising his head, he slowly brought a hand up, glancing at his watch before rubbing his face tiredly, pushing his sunglasses up as he closed his eyes, massaging them roughly. He had been outside for over an hour, his breakdown lasting almost as long. AJ couldn't remember the last time he had gotten so upset over something; not even his grandmother's death had shook him the way today's events had. An all too familiar feeling of anxiety slid over him, and he let out a small moan, shaking his head as he closed his eyes.

"Not now. Not now." He whispered, a jittery sensation beginning to crawl through his veins. The rebel knew this feeling. Dreaded and hated it. It was the overwhelming urge to succumb to alcohol, to take the plunge and slip away into an oblivious haze where nothing could hurt him. And no one could see how weak he really was. AJ took in a long, deep breath, forcing himself to count to 10 slowly as he got to his feet. "I'll walk. I'll go for a walk and it'll be fine. I just need to walk it off." AJ mumbled to himself as he grabbed his cell phone, dropping to back into his pocket. His shoes squeaked on the pavement as he walked, slipping and sliding on the wet surface as he headed away from the Hospital, various anecdotes and tricks from rehab entering his mind. He was fighting familiar demons, though AJ couldn't recall the last time his craving had been this bad. "Situations have never been this fucked before." He said through clenched teeth, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets as he tried to calm his nerves.

The chain on his jeans swayed lightly as he moved on, an audible 'tap' reaching his ears as it repetitively hit his cell phone through the thin material. Brown eyes stayed glued to the ground, not bothering to take notice of where he was going. All he wanted to do was escape. After what seemed to be an eternity of walking, the rebel finally halted his journey, bringing his chocolate gaze up and sweeping it around. "You've got to be shitting me." AJ exclaimed after a moment before he looked miserably up at the sky, his expression incredulous. "What the hell are you trying to tell me?!" Suppressing a large sigh, he shook his head, turning to face the building that stood almost mockingly beside him. "Fuck." he spat before taking a few steps forward and shoving the door open. Glancing around, a sense of nostalgia hit him and he quickly took a seat, tugging his hat low and licking his lips as he kept his eyes down. A light shadow fell over him and he glanced up, a dim smile on his face directed towards the older man that now stood in front of him, rambling on about something AJ could not understand. At the clueless look, the rebel was rewarded a kind smile,

"American?"

"Yeah." A curt nod from the rebel accompanied his answer and he shifted nervously in his seat.
"Welcome to Breakaway. What can I get you?" AJ didn't remember answering; he didn't remember the man in front of him saying anything in response. All he knew was that the next time he looked down, a glass sat in front of him, halfway filled with ice and an amber colored liquid. It was if he was on autopilot as he picked the drink up, swirling the glass around and watching, as the ice broke apart. He stared at it for a long while, his mind moving incomprehensively slow. His throat felt dry, his grip shaky, his heart thudding in his chest. Common sense screamed at him to stop, but every inch of his body seemed to be on fire as he raised the glass higher, touching it to his lips, his breath fogging the cool glass. Shutting his eyes he mutely begged for the strength to stop, knowing in the back of his mind how wrong this was. Still, he allowed the glass to linger on his lips, a simple flick of his wrist needed to toss back the Jack Daniel’s. All he needed to do was move, push a little further and he would be embraced in solace. And that was all he wanted. It was all he had ever wanted.

"Hey Bri?" Nick was sighing as he pulled a t-shirt over his head slowly. A frown fell onto his face when he noticed how loosely it hung and he bit back a frustrated sigh. First he was too fat, now he was too skinny. Wasn't there any middle ground? Rolling his eyes, he directed his gaze over to his friend.
"Hmmm?" Brian stood, gently reclining against the doorway as he watched Nick dress, his arms crossed over his chest.
"Do you think you could promise me something?" A light smile surfaced on the older man's features and he shrugged, watching Nick tug his jeans on over his boxers, fastening them up before grabbing his hat from where it sat on the sink and mashing it onto his head.
"Mmmm, depends on what it is."

"Oh c'mon, don't you think you could just promise me?"
"Nothing doing Frack." Brian pushed himself off the doorway, gesturing for Nick to follow him back into the main room. "C'mon, we should head back to the fellas." Letting out a large sigh, Nick fell into step behind him, stopping a few seconds later with a frown.
"What? Why are you just standing there?"
The Kentuckian had stopped behind a wheelchair, his hands resting lightly on the handles as he shot Nick a small smile.
"Sit." He replied, gesturing to the chair.
"I don't need that!"
"I don't care. The doctor said you needed to take it easy and this is how you're going to be taking it easy." He waved a hand over the wheelchair, hitting it lightly. "Sit Frack." When Nick didn't move, Brian rolled his eyes, pointing again at the chair. "Nick...sit!"
"What am I, a dog?" Nick mumbled, relenting with a scowl and plopping down in the seat.
He slumped in the chair, a pout surfacing on his face as he crossed his arms with a huff.
"Goooood boy." Brian cooed, gently patting the younger man's head with a laugh as Nick batted his hands away. "Asshole."
"Careful Nicky, misbehave and you won't get a treat."
He rubbed the blonde's shoulder as he laughed again, causing Nick to roll his eyes. "I hate you."
"I love you too." Brian chuckled as he gave the chair a few pushes, tugging open the door and directing both of them down the hallways towards the waiting room.

"Hey, what did you want me to promise?"
"I don't wanna tell you anymore."
"You're such a baby." The Southerner sighed, stopping for a moment and looking to the left, then the right as he bit down on his lip. "Umm...do you remember which way we came?"
"I wasn't paying attention."
"Typical Frack."
"Hey, I had more important things on my mind, thank you very much." Nick defended, shrugging his shoulders, as he looked each way. "Try left."
"Why?"
"I dunno. We turned right down the last hallway, so to be fair, let's go left."
"Ahhh, that wonderful Carter Logic." Brian quipped, going turning the wheelchair and heading right. "Gotta love it."
"Hey! I said left!"
"Which is why I'm heading right." Nick let out a snort of annoyance, shaking his head as he mumbled something inaudible under his breath. "You gonna tell me what you wanted?" Brian asked after a moment of silence. Nick shrugged again, chewing on his bottom lip before letting out a large sigh. "About today," The youth sighed again. "Do you think you could leave out certain details when the guys ask how the testing went?"
"Ah." Brian nodded, understanding washing over him. "You know Nick, no one would blame you for freaking out. I mean hell, I was freaking out just watching you."
"I just...I don't think they need to know."

"Look," Brian stopped the wheelchair, seeing the entrance to the waiting room up ahead. Walking around, he moved to stand in front of Nick, bending down as he rapped the younger man's knees lightly. "How about I don't tell them unless they specifically asked how you handled the situation?"
"Are you sure you can't just not tell them?" Nick tried, his eyes on his lap as he heaved a large breath.
"It's not something to be ashamed of Nicky."
"You weren't the one crying like a two year old." The younger man muttered darkly, rolling his eyes.
"I can't believe I did that. I looked like such a baby."
"You ARE a baby. We've been tellin you that since the day we met you."
"Ha. Ha. Ha." Brian smiled at his best friend, patting his knees again as he stood up. "So not funny." A smirk pulled at the corners of Nick's mouth and Brian grinned, pushing the wheelchair towards the double doors ahead. "Just don't worry about it, okay?"

"Yeah yeah yeah." Nick waved a hand to dismiss the argument, leaning forward as he peered into the room. "I wonder where AJ went?" Brian shrugged silently, watching as Kevin and Howie both practically leapt to their feet the moment they entered the room, hurrying over to meet the duo in the center of the room. "Get ready for the third degree." He whispered to his youngest friend, causing Nick to crack a smile. "Hey fellas."
"Nicky!" Howie was smiling as he gently gave the youth a hug as Brian rolled the wheelchair to a stop. "How'd it go baby?" The eldest was asking as he pulled Nick into a hug before moving back and looking at Brian. "Do we get the results today?"
"Well hello to you guys too." The Kentuckian frowned, letting out a sigh before he nodded. "The doctor said to give them about four hours. She's gonna call us when they're ready so we can head back to the hotel for a bit. Let Nicky rest."

"Well how'd all the tests go?"
"Why don't we discuss that back at the hotel." Howie suggested to Kevin as he glanced his youngest friend, noticing how tired he looked.
"Where's AJ?" Nick questioned, glancing around the room. “Bathroom?”
"No, he left awhile ago to get some air and walk around. We were all getting stir-crazy waiting for you guys. I'll give him a call." Kevin sighed, dragging his phone out of his pocket. "Can I call him?" Nick asked, stifling a yawn as he looked at his eldest friend who shot him a questioning look before shrugging and handing over his phone. "Thanks." Flipping the phone open, Nick yawned again before punching in the correct numbers, bringing it up to his ear as it began to ring.

~~~~

It had happened before AJ could even register that he had done it, a tangy, burning sensation on his tongue, lingering slowly and coating the back of his throat. Warmth coursed through his stomach, a sense of relief momentarily hitting him before it was immediately replaced with shock. Brown eyes went wide in disbelief as he sprung to his feet, the glass falling from his hand and hitting the floor with a shattering echo. Amber colored liquid splashed over his jeans, ice cubes and glass sliding across the floor, creating a sticky and semi-dangerous mess. The rebel felt his hands shaking, a suffocating feeling creeping up inside of him, as he stumbled back, nearly falling as he slipped and slid on the wet floor.

"No…” He breathed, trying to comprehend what he had just done. AJ hadn’t taken more than a sip, but it had been enough to horrify him, and he shook his head violently, in complete shock of how weak he had been.
“Hey!” The bartender was heading back in his direction, an angry look on his face and AJ shoved his hand into his back pocket, yanking out his wallet and throwing a $100 bill down onto the counter top before turning and practically running out of the bar.

Shoving the door open, a gasp left him as he hurried away from the building, looking back over his shoulder a few times as he made his way back to the hospital, finding the bench he had found refuge on moments earlier. Sitting down heavily, he rubbed a hand over his face; taking off his hat and tugging it back on as he tried to think. “Okay. Okay. Breathe, breathe McLean, breathe.” Letting out a deep breath he slowly counted to 10, trying to slow his racing thoughts. “I took a sip. It was just a sip. I didn’t drink the whole thing.” AJ mumbled, “I walked away. That has to count for something…I walked away. I knew it was wrong.” He nodded at his own sentence, a grim smile sliding onto his features. “Yeah. I knew it was wrong. I broke, I gave into temptation but I walked away when I realized what I was doing.” Biting down on his lip, he closed his eyes behind his sunglasses, letting them flutter open a moment later when he felt his heart began to stop racing. “It was stupid. I know that….I know what I did wrong and I know why I did it.”

His thoughts drifted back to a few of his rehab techniques and he nodded again. “It’s fine. It’s okay.” But you were still weak enough to succumb; a voice whispered, causing anger to flood AJ’s being. Dropping his head, he shut his eyes roughly. He HAD been weak. Guilt hit him hard and he absently clicked his tongue as he thought, a frown appearing on his face. He could taste the alcohol, taste the bittersweet memories that went along with it and a sense of yearning for more swept over him. Flashes of his partying times erupted before his eyes and he shook his head. “No, no, no, NO!” Slamming his fists down on the table, he let out a loud yell, “I WON’T DO THIS AGAIN!” The ringing of his cell phone ended his yells and he felt his heart catch in his throat, slowly bringing his phone out of his pocket and turning it over to glance at the caller ID. Kevin. His mind moving almost incomprehensively slowly, AJ opened the phone, licking his lips. “M-McLean.”

“Jay? Where are you dude?”
“Nicky?” He felt his body sag with relief that he didn’t have to deal with Kevin and rubbed his eyes roughly.
“Um, hey man. You’re done with the testing?”
“Yeah. You okay? You sound…off.”
“Oh…I fell asleep out here. That’s all.” The lie tumbled out of the rebel before he could stop himself and he shut his eyes,
he was back to lying to them. Not again.
“Where’s ‘here’?”
“I’m outside, found a table to sit at and guess I just kinda dozed off.” Rising to his feet, he took in a shaky breath. “I’ll head back to the waiting room.”
“Um…hang on a sec.” AJ heard muffled talking for a moment before Nick’s voice came traveling back through the line. “Yeah, Jay, we have a few hours before the results are ready so we’re gonna go back to the hotel. Kev says to meet us….” A loud yawn reached AJ’s ears and he half smiled as he headed towards the front of the building. “Sorry. Um, Kev says to meet us at the entrance. We’ll be there in a sec.”
“Gotacha kid.” Was all the older man said before disconnecting the phone and dropping it back into his pocket.

He arrived at the hospital’s entrance to find his four friend’s waiting for him, all of them engrossed in a conversation. “Hey fellas. Hey Fracky.” AJ gave his youngest friend a pat on the shoulders, sending him a small smile. “How was all the testing?”
“We’re apparently talking all about it when we get back to the hotel.” Nick sighed, yawning again. “Though, Bri might have to tell y’all cuz I’m worn out.” He shrugged at AJ. “But it was long….hey, what’s all over your jeans?” AJ suddenly found four sets of eyes on him and he shifted his weight uncomfortably, “Huh?” He got out, glancing down. “Oh um…I dunno. Guess the table was wet or something.” A nervous laugh fell away from him and he shrugged. “Shouldn’t we get going?” Kevin shot him a small frown before nodding slowly, his emerald gaze looking the younger man up and down before he sighed himself. “Yeah. Let’s head back.”

~~~~~

“So you just wanna crash for now Nicky?” Brian was asking as the five men entered Nick and Howie’s room, “Yeah. I’m really tired.” He glanced at everyone with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry guys.”
“Nothing to be sorry about.” Kevin shrugged, looping an arm around Nick’s shoulders and hugging him lightly. “C’mon, I’ll get you situated in your room.” Nodding slowly, Nick allowed Kevin to lead him into the bedroom, slowly shutting the door behind them. Silence hovered in the room as AJ took a seat on the couch, sinking down on it with a tired sigh. Howie sat down next to him as Brian stood near the kitchen, his arms crossed tightly against his chest.

“So where did you end up going?” The Latino asked after a moment, turning is brown eyes up from the floor to look at his friend.
“Um, like I told Nick, I found a bench outside and just kinda sat. Fell asleep for a bit too.” AJ shrugged, forcing a smile onto his face. “Nothing exciting.”
“You sure about that?” Brian questioned from where he stood, his blue eyes narrowed.
“Yeah, pretty damn.” The rebel nodded, frowning slightly. He rubbed his hands together absently, his palms sweaty as he cleared his throat.
“You sure there’s nothing else you wanna tell us?” Howie pressed, nudging AJ’s shoulder lightly.
“Nope.”
It was quiet for a moment before Brian let out a large groan, shaking his head as he raked a hand through his hair. “How much did you have to drink, AJ?” The Kentuckian demanded softly, causing AJ’s head to whip up in surprise, his chocolate gaze wide. “E-Excuse me?”
“We can smell the alcohol on you.” The eldest man sighed, disappointment creeping into his words. “AJ…” He trailed off for a moment and shook his head. “Why didn’t you just to talk to one of us man?” AJ looked back and forth between his two friends, the guilt inside of him swelling. “Does Kev or Nicky know?” He was rewarded with shrugs from both men.
“We’re not sure.”
“Look…fellas I…I didn’t have what you think I did.” AJ frowned at his own words and shook his head. “I mean, okay, yes, I did go into a bar I found…an-and I did order a drink. But I don’t…god, I don’t even know what happened.” Rising to his feet, AJ started to pace as he spoke. “It’s like…I can’t even remember ordering the drink. It was just…just…THERE. And then I was holding it....then…all of the sudden…I just…” The younger man paused, shaking his head.
“Drank it?” Brian filled in sadly,
“No!” AJ snapped desperately. “I-I mean, yes, I mean no….I,” He took in a large breath. “I had a sip of it.” The rebel mumbled. “But then I realized what I was doing and how wrong it was and I stopped…I walked away! I did. I walked away from it!”

“What did you walk away from?” Kevin was asking as he emerged from the bedroom, gently shutting the door with a sigh. He glanced at Brian, Howie and AJ slowly, a frown appearing on his face. “What happened?” AJ closed his eyes for a moment, praying that both his friends would stay silent.
“AJ?” His eyes snapped open at Howie’s address, “I think you should tell him.”
“I don’t…I…” The younger man looked quickly from Brian to Howie, refusing to meet Kevin’s gaze who was looking more and more frustrated.
“AJ? Tell me what?”
“I…um…shit, um, Kev, look, when I went for a walk…I um, well, I wasn’t looking for it, I swear to God, I just started walking and found one and then I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, fuck, I DO know what I was thinking. I was thinking about Nicky and everything and then my mom…there was this couple and then she said I…what I mean is that-”
“Stop, stop, stop!” The eldest demanded, waving his hands in a time out mode. He took in a deep breath, “AJ…you didn’t do what I think you did, did you?” The question slipped from Kevin in almost a whisper and AJ could do nothing but drop his eyes to floor, nodding slowly. “Oh AJ..”

Nick lay awake in the large bed, his eyes roaming around the room as he watched the shadows bounce off the walls. Exhaustion seeped through him, yet he found himself unable to sleep, nervousness darting in and out of his heart, a knot forming in his stomach every time his thoughts drifted to what the next few hours would bring. Letting out a deep sigh, he turned on his side, hugging a large pillow close and he curled his body up, shutting his eyes. This was it. The youth felt as though a timer had been placed over his head, every breath he took bringing him one step closer to whatever his fate was going to be. What if this was the end? He could barely deal with waiting to find out if he could be treated...what if he couldn't be? Could he stand going to sleep every night knowing he may not wake up to see the next morning? How could he put his friends through something like that? Hadn't they already been through enough? And what about all their fans? All they knew so far was that they were taking a break due to personal reasons...what were they supposed to say?

Sighing again, Nick tried to push down the nauseous feeling that had crept up his throat, blinking his eyes open as he rolled over, his gray-blue eyes traveling over the ceiling and landing on the window.
"Of course it's raining." He breathed, listening to the gentle 'pit-pat' sound the rain made as it hit the glass. What if this was one of the last times he saw the rain fall? "STOP it." Nick hissed to himself. "It's going to be fine. Everything's gonna work out.....we've been through so much shit, we've GOT to catch a break. It's gonna be fine. Just fine." Forcing himself to push away his thoughts, he shut his eyes roughly. breathing deeply as he tried to force slumber to overtake him.

The blonde had almost drifted off to sleep when a muffled yell floated into the room, causing his eyes to snap open as he jumped in surprise.
"....COULD YOU?!"
Sitting up with a small groan, a frown fell across Nick's features as he leaned forward a bit, listening curiously.
"Kevin! Keep your voice down! What if you wake Nick up?" He heard Brian direct urgently. "And what if he isn't asleep? He doesn't need this right now!"
"...care! WHAT....THINKING?!" The younger man could only hear bits and pieces of Kevin's argument, causing a small curse to slip from Nick as he scooted towards the end of the bed in an effort to hear things more clearly, not wanting to get up. "After EVERYTHING....this bullshit? ...IN KNOWING! AJ...were you THINKING?!"
"I don't...wasn't thinking! I....SORRY! But Kev...I...NO! I walked AWAY! Come ON Kevin! ....mean ANYTHING?!" AJ was yelling in response. A confused expression drifted onto Nick's face; this wasn't working. And what the hell was going on?

Rolling his eyes, Nick pushed himself to his feet, taking in a deep breath as he felt the world tip for a moment before the feeling subsided. Grabbing one of the blankets, he wrapped it tightly around his body, pulling a chair over to the door quietly and sitting down as he pressed his ear to the door, a small smirk turning up the corners of his mouth when he found he could hear everything perfectly.
"...knows what he did was wrong. Give him a break Kevin." Howie was saying quietly. "He's under a lot of pressure-"
"We're ALL under pressure! That's no excuse!" Kevin sounded livid and Nick slowly shook his head. Shit was hitting the fan. "We have SO much crap to deal with concerning and Nick and now we have to worry about THIS?! I mean...GodDAMMIT...didn't you even stop to fucking THINK?"

"It was just a sip. I realize I fucked up Kevin but you're blowing things out of proportion. I'm not gonna start drinking again."
"We're supposed to believe THAT?" Brian's voice was incredulous and Nick felt a feeling of dread wash over him. AJ had drank. All because of him. Anger ran through his body and he shut his eyes, trying to hold back his tears. What had he done to them? Bringing his head away from the door for a moment, he sniffled, running a hand over his face as he let the guilt swirl around him. This was all his fault. His own stupidity was breaking apart the four people that meant everything to him. Taking in a shaky breath, he let his head fall gently against the door, catching part of Brian's sentence. "...ing on now is ten times more serious! How do we know you won't fall back into your old habits?" A long sigh reached the youth, "Maybe it's best if Nick move into one of our houses when we get back home. I think...I'm not sure it's best if you keep-"


"Now WAIT just ONE DAMM MINUTE!" The rebel shouted, "ONE tiny ass SIP of alcohol does NOT mean I am going to go running back to being an alcoholic! There's NO reason why I still can't take care of Nick!"
"AJ...AJ c'mon. Look, maybe Bri has a point, I mean, maybe Nicky should stay with one of us for a little bit. Give you some time to sort everything out. Maybe talk to your mom or an AA counselor." Howie suggested.
"I had ONE SIP! It means NOTHING! There's nothing to talk ABOUT!"
"Wrong. It means you can't fucking DEAL with all the shit going on now." The eldest snapped back. "Dammit AJ, we TOLD you to talk to one of us about this! Before it GOT to THIS! Now look at where you are! Retreating back to being a fucking drunk!"

"I AM NOT A DRUNK!" AJ roared and Nick jumped at the tone, slightly unnerved by the wavering he heard in his older friend's statement. "Don't YOU DARE ACCUSE ME OF BEING A DRUNK!"
"Guys...guys stop! This isn't the place....dammit, Howie...help me get them out of here before they wake up Nick!" The youngest heard footstep coming towards the door and he reeled back, almost falling out of the chair in an effort to get back to the bed.
"WELL WHAT THE HELL ELSE DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY?!" The footsteps stopped and Nick held his breath, his eyes darting to the bed before he leaned back against the door gingerly. "Your innocent, 'I've seen the light' façade is NOT going to work this time! A DRUNK is a DRUNK!!"
"Kevin! Kev STOP! Knock it the hell off!"
"I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING FAÇADE!" Came AJ's scream and the youth heard something go crashing the floor, the sound of it breaking into a thousand pieces seemingly echoing in the room. "You FUCKIN....I...AM...NOT...A...DRUNK!!"

"THEN WHAT THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU?! When ALL you can do in a damn CRISIS is run to a goddamn bottle of Jack Daniel's?!" Kevin's voice was dripping with disdain, his pitch low and almost in a growl, his every word sending shivers down Nick's spine. "You're reaction and abilities to handle this are PATHETIC."
"I-"
"Enough! ENOUGH.....NO! Back OFF Kevin!" The younger Kentuckian shouted. "Shut it AJ! Knock it OFF! Take this into your room Kevin....NO! I said ENOUGH! Howie, get them out of here! God only knows what would happen if Nick heard all this, I mean, Jesus. I'll meet you all in a minute. I'm gonna check on him."
"Shit!" The blond hissed, launching himself away from the door and practically flinging the chair across the room as he jumped into the bed. He had just tugged the covers over his body and shut his eyes when the door opened.

"Frack?" Brian called softly. "You awake buddy?" Nick said nothing, concentrating on trying to keep his breathing regular. The older man moved slowly into the room, his sapphire gaze sweeping over the room, a small frown appearing on his face when he saw the chair crooked and almost in the middle of the room. "Nicky?" He tried again. "You sure you're not awake?"
Waiting a moment, he shrugged to himself before letting out a small sigh, backtracking out of the room and closing the door softly. Nick waited for a few minutes, his eyes clenched shut as he listened for the sound of another door shutting, signaling he was alone before a sob fell away from him and he grabbed the pillow next to him, holding it tightly as he cried into it. He had completely destroyed them. They were the only four people in the world he truly gave a damn about and he had ripped them apart. "I'm sorry," He cried, his tears falling furiously as he curled his body up. "Oh god, I'm so sorry...."

~~~~~

Nick awoke a few hours later to silence, his gaze jumping to the clock and noting that two and a half hours had passed since he had fallen asleep. Sitting up slowly, a yawn tumbled out of him and he rubbed a hand over his face before holding his head in his hands as the events from a few hours prior came rushing back to him. Taking in a deep breath, he pushed the blankets off his body, yawning again as he got to his feet. Moving over to the door, he paused for a second, listening intently as his hand fell on the door knob. Hearing nothing, he jerked the door open, finding the room almost empty, AJ sitting quietly on the couch, smoking a cigarette.

"You're not supposed to smoke in here you know." Nick said softly as he leaned against the doorway, a small smile gracing his features as AJ jumped in surprise, almost dropping the cigarette.
"Jesus!" He hissed, brushing a few fallen ashes off his shirt as he whipped around in shock. "You scared the shit out of me Carter."
"Aren't there smoke alarms in here?" The younger man directed his gaze to the ceiling before walking over to the couch and sitting down next to his older friend. "I disabled them." The rebel muttered, taking a final drag on the cigarette before putting it out.
"Isn't that illegal?" He was rewarded with a shrug and rolled his eyes.
"Sleep well?" AJ turned his head away for a moment as he blew the smoke out, plastering a smile onto his face as he faced Nick again.
"As well as can be expected considering what we're waiting for."
"That's good."

The older man reached forward, patting the youth on the knee before clicking on the TV, a brief silence falling over the two men before Nick cleared his throat.
"Um.. where is everyone else?"
"In Brian's room talking." A hint of disgust crept into AJ's voice, not going unnoticed by the younger man and Nick let out a small sigh, his eyes dropping the floor. "Hey Jay?"
"Hmmm?"
"I-I know I made you break your sobriety."
AJ's brown eyes snapped to stare at his younger friend before he dropped his head back at the words, closing his eyes as he brought a hand up, rubbing it over his mouth. So you heard all that shit earlier today?"
"Kind of impossible not to." Nick let out a weak laugh in an effort to ease the tension. "Kev can yell pretty damn loud."
"That he can." AJ nodded, sitting up and turning the television off. "Listen Nick-"
"I'm so sorry Jay. I-I never meant for any of this-"
"None of this is your fault stupid." The older man half laughed, exasperation tinting his words as he shook his head, gently cuffing Nick on the back of his own head. “C'mon man, you should know better than to blame my dumb mistakes on yourself. You didn't make me go into that bar."
"But if I had just...I mean, back when all this started...if I had only-"

"Don't go there Nick." AJ's voice was low as he shook his head again, his chocolate color gaze on the floor in front of him. "You have enough shit to worry about without piling my stupidity on top."
"But AJ-"
"I chose to walk into that bar Nick. I chose to order that drink and I CHOSE to pick it up and take a sip of it. None of that is your doing," The rebel finally turned his eyes to look at his younger friend, "Look, I know what I did was wrong. I wasn't just spouting bullshit when I told Kevin that."
"But AJ what if...what if we go to that office today and they can't help me? You know?" A loud sigh left Nick and he closed his eyes momentarily, "Then what? Can you swear you won't fall again? I mean, what if I die?"
A sarcastic laugh left AJ and he threw his hands up. "God Nick, I don't know man. I can promise you that I'll try my damndest not to. But shit...in those circumstances...fuck....I don't know Nicky. All I can say is that I'll try." He shifted around on the couch, "I really want to say that I won't but I don't know man. Honestly, I don't."
"You see?" The younger man breathed as he shook his own head. "You see what I've done?"
"You've got to stop that shit Carter." AJ sighed. "I can go down the same route with all the bullshit I put this group through with my drinking and drug using. I mean...it’s pointless Nick. All you're gonna do is drive yourself crazy wishing and dreaming you had done things differently." He let out a long breath. "What's done is done man. The past can't be changed now, so stop getting yourself all worked up over it."
"I-"
"You didn't make me drink. Nor did Kevin or Howie or Brian." Nick stayed silent, chewing on his bottom lip for a moment before nodding slowly. "So now what?"
"Dunno man."
"Well...what's up with the others?"
AJ shot him a look, a sad smile breaking out onto his face. "You heard them earlier." He shrugged, falling back against the couch. "Kevin pretty much hates me, Rok doesn't trust me and D is running back and forth between both sides." The rebel rolled his eyes dramatically as he scowled. "It's just like how it was last time."

"But you're not going to lie to us again...right?"
"Yeah Fracky, I'm not going to lie you guys again." A large grin spread across Nick's face and AJ couldn't help but smile back, grabbing him in a playful hug. "Well, at least someone doesn't hate me."
"They don't hate you AJ. They didn't hate you last time."
"Hmmffh." The older man snorted. "I beg to differ."
"Go for it. I like seeing you beg."
"Yeah. Fuck you too."
"Naw...for real! Seeing you beg is-" Nick stopped short as the door the main room flew open, watching Kevin quickly made his way in, his emerald gaze narrowing at the site of AJ.
"Nicky...you're awake."
"That I am." The youngest nodded, smiling. "What's up?"
"The-"
"Kev! There's a cab waiting downstairs with Howie. Did ya get Frack yet..." Brian trialed off as he rounded the corner into the room. "Hey Frack! You're up!"

"You guys sure are observant." Nick mumbled, getting to his feet as he felt his stomach flip. He knew what this was. It was what he had been half dreading and half looking forward to.
"What's going on?" AJ asked slowly, rising to his feet, ignoring the glare Kevin still had fixed on him.
"Um, Nick's doctor called...the tests results are ready." Despite the fact that the youth had known it was coming, he couldn't stop the wave of nauesa that washed over him, his face going pale.
"Nicky? You okay?" Kevin was asking as he half shoved AJ out of the way. "You look like you're gonna pass out."
"Hey!" The rebel snapped, a large frown appearing on his face. "Damn Kevin."
"Nick?"
"Huh? Oh...I'm fine." The youngest man slowly shook his head, plastering a shaky smile onto his face as he lightly brushed of Kevin's hands. "Let's um...let's go get those results."

~~~~~

"Hello, Dr. Schagen called us here for test results." Kevin was saying to the receptionist as the rest of the men stood silently behind him. She looked at him for a moment, cocking her head to the side and the eldest shifted uncomfortably under the gaze, wondering if she had understood him. "Dr. Schagen?" He tried again. "Um-"
"Name?" Her accent was thick as she spoke but a small sense of relief washed over the older man, thankful they didn't have to deal with a language barrier.
"Kevin Richardson." He watched as she looked down at a clipboard, slowly shaking her head.
"I have no-"
"Oh! You mean who's results? Nick...Nick Carter." Kevin smiled shakily, jerking his thumb behind him and signaling out the youth who sent the receptionist a half smile.
"Okay. Yes. Dr. Schagen is expecting him. Down the hallway, first door on the left, room 365."
"Thank you." Kevin nodded, gesturing for the others to follow.
"Excuse me?" The receptionist called after the group. "My notes indicate that Dr. Schagen only wanted Mr. Carter to see her for the time being." Nick's face went a shade paler and he gulped softly, feeling Brian's hand tighten around his arm. "I'm sure the doctor won't mind if at least one of us comes with him." Brian was objecting gently. "I mean, she hasn't cared before."

"My instructions are clear. Only Mr. Carter. The rest of you can wait here." She waved an arm out to the empty waiting room, a polite smile on her face as she shrugged.
"Are you sure-" Howie began, stopping as she shook her head firmly.
"Only Mr. Carter."
"Shit." AJ cursed, dropping his eyes to the ground. "Is this good or bad?" His question went unanswered as everyone fell silent, soon broken by Nick's gentle cough.
"I guess I better go see her." The youngest said softly, pulling his arm slowly out of Brian's grip and sending his friends a shaky smile. He was able to keep it only momentarily, nervousness wiping it away as he took in a deep breath.
"It's gonna be fine baby," Kevin forced out, trying to make his tone positive and failing miserably as he pulled Nick into a hug. "We'll be right here."
"I know." The youth found himself being engulfed by Brian, Howie and AJ as well, a real smile slipping onto his features as he shut his eyes for a moment, wishing he was anywhere but there.

Brian was the first to pull away, patting Nick gently on the back. "You shouldn't keep her waiting Frack." He sighed, "After all, the sooner you talk to her, the sooner we can start getting you better." AJ nodded at the statement. "What Rok said. Now go kid."
Taking in another deep breath, Nick nodded slowly, turning on his heel and forcing himself to walk away from his friends. His footsteps echoed in the quiet hallway as he walked, his mind whirling with a million thoughts as he found himself in front of the door much sooner than he wanted to be. The blonde felt his mouth run dry as he brought a hand up, hesitating for a second before sighing and tapping on the door.
"Yes?"
"It's um, Nick....Carter."
"Come in." The youth pushed the door open at the permission, seeing the doctor sitting behind a desk, typing quickly. "Please, take a seat." He sat down slowly, his blue eyes wide as he tried to gauge her mood, desperately trying to see if she was about to give him good news or bad. "How are you feeling Nick?" She asked, turning away from the computer and sending him a small smile. He failed to return in, shifting around uncomfortably in his seat.
"Okay, I guess."
"Well, I suppose there's no beating around the bush." Dr. Schagen sighed as she nodded slowly. “I’m sure you’re anxious to know what we found.” Grabbing a folder and placing it on her desk, she flipped it open, placing her hands palm down as he stared at him. "Okay Nick, our results show..."

~~~~

AJ felt as though he was going to go insane. He was waiting. AGAIN. Was it possible to die from anxiety? Letting out a large breath, he shifted around in his seat, his eyes darting to the hallway for what must have been the millionth time in the last half an hour. What was taking so long?

"I don't know but maybe it's a good thing they're taking so long." Brian sighed, causing AJ to frown, he hadn't even realized he had spoken the last sentence out loud. “How do you figure?"
"Well, maybe she's going over the different ways he can get treated." Howie suggested, nodding at Brian's idea. "You know?"
"I guess." The rebel shrugged, glancing at his eldest friend as he held back a large sigh. Kevin hadn’t spoken directly to him since they had finished arguing back at the hotel. Closing his eyes for a moment, AJ bit down on his lip; as important as the subject matter was, at the moment, the matter seemed so trivial compared to everything else. "Kev?"
"What?" Kevin’s voice was sharp as he spoke, his green eyes not meeting AJ’s dropped brown. "I'm sorry." The older man turned at the statement, his gaze softening slightly as he sighed himself. "I know this really isn't the time but I just want you to know...I am sorry."
"I know you are AJ." Kevin ran a hand through his hair as he nodded slowly. "I'm sorry for what I said too. It was out of line."
"No," AJ half laughed, "It wasn't. You had every right to be pissed." Bringing up a hand, he tugged on his hat. “You all did. But I swear guys,” He stopped for a moment, making eye contact with all of them before speaking. “I’m not going to go down that path again.”
“Let’s hope not.” Howie smiled weakly, laying a hand on his friend’s shoulder as he shook him softly. “Or everyone will kick your ass.”

“Nick heard the argument by the way.” The younger man revealed, sitting back heavily in his seat. Brian let out a large groan, causing AJ to shake his head. “I KNEW he wasn’t asleep when I checked on him.”
“No worries Rok. I talked to him.”
“You sure? I mean, he doesn’t blame himself?”
“He did at first bu-”
“Oh God.” Kevin’s statement cut the younger man off as he jumped to his feet, his eyes wide. Howie, AJ and Brian all followed his gaze, each of them scrambling to their feet at the sight of Nick slowly making his way down the hallway. Brian was the first to snap out of his stupor, running across the room and skidding to a halt in front of his best friend, his azure eyes as wide as they could go. He took in Nick’s disheveled appearance slowly, his heart racing as he watched the younger man cry.

“F-Frack?” He managed to get out; placing his hands on Nick’s shoulders as the youth slowly came to a stop just inside the waiting room. AJ, Howie and Kevin stood behind him, all of them holding their breaths. “Nicky…what…what did she say?”
A sob fell out of Nick as he simply continued to cry and Brian felt his heart shatter, one of his hands covering his mouth in horror. “Oh God…” He breathed, “Oh God no…”
“Nicky…you gotta tell us what the doctor said.” Kevin mumbled, feeling numb as he stared at his youngest brother. “Please…”
“S-she,” Nick choked out, his words barely audible as he spoke. “I.. s-she..o-o-oh God..
gu-guys, I…” He trailed off and shook his head, and AJ felt his heart stop. Kevin simply blinked, Howie stared and Brian burst into tears, pulling Nick into a hug as he rocked him slowly back and forth.
“No,” AJ breathed, shaking his head. “Tell me it’s not…” Nick took in a deep, shaky breath, finally raising his eyes to look at each of his friends. “Th-the doctor,” He slowly got out, moving gently out of Brian’s hug. “Sh-she s-said…”


Alright, this chapter was written by Arok Obsession, next one will be written by me.. It may take some time though, gotta figure some things out. Please review!! :)

“She said I..” He trailed off, tears running down his cheeks as he thought of what the near future would bring. “Nicky?” Kevin asked as he stepped forward, looking at his youngest friend who seemed to be extremely distraught. Brian put his hands on Nick’s shoulders, gently shaking him in an attempt to bring him back to reality. It didn’t work though. Nick felt life being drained from his body by the message Dr. Schagen had for him. As realization sank in, black spots clouded his vision and he felt how his body gave way to the exhaustion. “Brian!” he heard a voice in the distance yell, but he couldn’t tell whose voice it was. As he went down, he felt how someone caught him right before he hit the ground.

“Brian!!” Kevin repeated as he flew forward.
“I’ve got him!” Brian replied as he still staggered somewhat under Nick’s weight, who lied limply in his arms.
“DOCTOR!! We need a doctor in here!!” Kevin shouted.
“Nick!! Wake up buddy!!” Brian pleaded as he kneeled down, resting Nick’s body on his knee. “Is he still breathing?” Howie panicked as he knelt down next to Brian, after which he tried to find Nick’s pulse. “God no..” A.J. whispered as he rubbed his face, unable to move and get help. “WHAT is taking them so damn long?! DOCTOR!!” Kevin bellowed, but before he could finish his sentence, nurses came running towards the men.

Five minutes later, the four men found themselves in the family room, waiting for information about Nick’s situation. Waiting, again. A.J. shook his head, he felt like he had his answer now. It was not possible to die from anxiety, but the feelings he experienced came pretty close to being dead, or so he thought. He was feeling numb, like nothing could hurt him. He was about to find out that this was not true when two people started a conversation.

“What do you think she told him?” Brian asked his cousin as he watched him pacing up and down the small family room.
Kevin shook his head as he raked his hands through his hair. “I don’t know.. it could go both ways, but..” he trailed off, his voice quivering with fear.
“I think this is it.. Seeing how devastated he was, I-” Brian whispered.
“DON’T say what you were about to say.” A.J. shouted. “You don’t know what she said.. you don’t know what she said.. you don’t know.. you don’t know..” he softly repeated over and over again as he rocked back and forth in his chair, his head down and his shoulders shaking as he cried, finally showing his emotions.

A few seconds later he felt how one of them pulled him into a hug and for once he let it happen. “No, we don’t know.” Howie soothed as he looked at Kevin as he mouthed “Finally”. The eldest nodded in response as he walked up to the two and placed his hand on A.J.’s shoulder, who continued to cry. “He can’t die.. He can’t.. Not Nick. Not after all the shit we’ve been through together.”

“It must have been hard, taking care of Nicky all that time.” Kevin sat down next to him, hoping his friend would open up some more.
Howie slowly let go of A.J., who wiped his eyes and let out a sigh. “It wasn’t that bad.”
“Jay..” Brian frowned.

“What do you want me to say, Brian? That he repeatedly threw stuff at me because he was angry with me for ‘making’ him go through with the treatments? That sometimes he threw up fifteen times in one night so I could change the sheets 5 times during that same night? That he begged me to make it stop, to make the pain go away because he’d rather be dead than suffering like that? That because of that, I made sure he didn’t have acces to any knifes or pills, because I was scared he was gonna hurt himself? That I frequently slept on the floor of his room because of the nightmares he had? That it was sometimes impossible to wake him from those nightmares so I couldn’t do anything but listen to him screaming and crying for help? That I held him during every anger or crying fit he had and that he hated me for it? That I checked on him at least five times a night, to see if he was still breathing? So yeah, it was like being in hell. But I would do it again in a heartbeat, because he needed me.”

“Jesus..” Howie breathed. They all knew things had been difficult at A.J.’s place, but none of them knew how hard they had really been and none of them had expected it to be this horrible. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because.. Nick made me promise not to. He was so ashamed of his behavior that he didn’t want any of you to know. And he didn’t want you to worry about him even more.”
“But-”
“Gentlemen?” Dr. Schagen interrupted as she walked in. Four men turned to look at her, trying to read the expression on her face as they waited for her to fill them in on Nick’s condition. Brian was the first to break out of his stupor, so he stood up and walked up to her, hands shoved in his pockets to hide the fact that they were shaking. “H-how is he?” he stuttered.

“He’s okay.”
All four breathed a sigh of relief and Dr. Schagen smiled before she continued. “I guess he gave you quite a scare earlier. The whole situation got a bit too much for him to handle, the jetlag, emotional rollercoaster and results, his body and mind couldn’t handle it all, and his body responded by having Nick faint.”
Some of the tension dissolved, but there was one question they still needed answered.
“Speaking of the results, can you..” Kevin hesitated. Even though he knew he’d find out anyway, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know right now. What if-
She interrupted his thoughts. “I’m sorry.” She shook her head, and noticed how the room again immediately filled with tension accomponied with feelings of great disappointment. “Nick wants to tell you himself.” She rushed out. “You can go see him if you want. He’s at the end of the hall on your left, room 236.”

Three men thanked her before they walked out of the family room, but Brian stayed behind. “Doctor, can I ask you something?” he said, shifting on his feet, feeling uneasy and unsure if it was his place to ask.
“Sure you can, Brian.” She smiled, sensing he was uncomfortable with the situation.
“Why did you wanna speak to Nick alone. I mean-”
“Who told you I wanted that?” she frowned. “I thought it was weird he came in alone since you stayed with him during all of the testing, but I felt it wasn’t my place to ask.”
“But..” Now it was Brian’s turn to frown. “So, you didn’t forbid us coming along?”
“Heavens no. Where did you get that idea? We think that it’s best if someone’s with the patient, since two can hold more information in such emotional times.”
“I guess it was all one big misunderstanding then..” Brian replied, a hint of anger could be heard in his voice. Now Nick had gone through all of that alone, when he could’ve been there with him.

“Brian!” she repeated. Brian turned his attention back to her and realized he hadn’t heard what she said. When she noticed she had his attention again, she repeated herself. “Who told you that I didn’t want you there?”
“The lady at the reception desk.” He tried to remember how she looked like, but didn’t come up with that much useful information. “A young woman and I think she was a brunette.”
Dr. Schagen shook her head and let out a sigh. “I think I know enough. I’ll go talk to her, because this is unacceptable. I’m so sorry that she gave you the wrong idea.”
“It’s not your fault, but yes, it is unacceptable.” Brian gave her a weak smile. “I think I’d better go see Nick now.”
“Yes, I think you should.” She replied. “Again, I’m so sorry for all of this.”
Brian nodded as he walked out of the family room.

Once outside, he stopped for a moment. He could still feel Nick lying in his arms, see himself staggering under his friend’s weight, even though Nick was underweight. He had never expected that to happen, catching his best friend, but then again, he had never expected any of this to happen. He knew he had to go see him, but he was scared to. Just like his cousin, he wanted to know, but didn’t wanna know at the same time. This could be it. Life or death. A future for the five of them, or nothing but the past. With his hands still shoved in his pockets and dragging his feet, he slowly made his way to the end of the hall, then stopped right before room 236. For nothing more than four seconds, he glanced up at the ceiling, then whispered his one and only wish. “Please, give us a break.. Give us a future.. ”

So yes, this was me again.. Me = Nijntje. Hope you liked it.. Next chapter will be written by me too.. But not sure when I'll be able to update though.. I think I was pretty fast this time ;o) Thanks for reading!

Three months later it was a warm sunny day when Kevin decided to visit his father. As he entered the graveyard, he could hear laughter and sounds of children that were playing in the nearby park. Kristin had asked him if he wanted her to join him, but he declined. He felt silly talking to his father in her presence, even though he knew she didn’t mind. She felt it was just a way for her husband to still have some sort of connection with his father and she didn’t judge him for it in any way. She understood though why he wanted to go there alone, he had a lot to share with his father. She had hugged him when he left the house and told him he could take all the time he needed. He knew there was no need to rush home. No matter how long he’d stay with his father, she’d be home, waiting for him.

Kevin smiled at the thought of his wife. Kristin had been so supportive through all of this, been there for him everytime he couldn’t handle the thoughts that plagued him during the night. She had been there when he got angry with the situation, in fact she told him it was okay to be angry, or sad, or whatever he was feeling at that moment.

Without realizing it, he had reached his father’s grave. He knelt down on one knee, to remove some leaves and dirt. For some reason, coming to this place made things seem more real. He had lost his father a long time ago, but sometimes when the phone rang, he still expected to hear his voice on the other end of the line. Kevin tried to picture his father, when he had, he cleared his throat and began to speak. “Hi dad. A lot has happened since the last time I was here..” he sighed. “It’s just..I don’t know where to begin. You should’ve seen us when Nick told us about the test results..”


"Hey Nicky..” Kevin whispered as the three men walked in. “Are you awake?”
“Hey..” Nick opened his eyes. “Gotcha back there, didn’t I?” he then said with a tired voice and a weak smile on his features.
“Not funny, you ass..” A.J. smiled as he walked up to the bed.
“How are you feeling?” Howie sat down on the bed, trying not to show how worried he was.
“Where’s Frick?” Nick asked as he sat up with a little help from Kevin.“Thanks Kev.”
The eldest nodded as he answered the question. “Brian was talking to Dr. Schagen when we left, but he should be here any second now.”
“Good.” Nick closed his eyes as he leaned back into the pillows.

“Did I hear someone say my name?” Brian forced a smile as he walked in to the room that was filled with so much tension that it was almost suffocating. It made him want to run off and hide somewhere. Nick’s eyes flew open at hearing his best friend’s voice. “Hey Frick..”
“Hey Fracky..” Brian carefully hugged him. “How are you?”
Nick let out a sigh and rubbed his face. “I’m sorry for scaring the crap out of you back there.” He said as he looked at each of his friends for a few seconds.
“It’s okay, Nicky.”Howie smiled at him. He felt the need to say more, but couldn’t find the words, so he stayed silent, just like the others.

A few moments later the eldest was the first who found the courage to speak.
“Nicky?” Kevin placed his hand on Nick’s shoulder. “Dr. Schagen said you didn’t want her to tell us about the results. C-c-can.. will you.. I mean..” the eldest stuttered. He knew none of them wanted to ask, but all of them needed to know.
“Yeah..” Nick whispered, his eyes closed. “She, I mean, Dr. S-s- she said that..” he yawned. “Sorry.. She- She said I still have a chance. She’s willing to fight this if I am..”


Kevin let out a sigh as the sound of a loud and happy yell broke through his thoughts, glancing over at the playground, a smile broke onto his features before he re-directed his gaze back to the tombstone. "I knew she would be the one Dad...I just...I KNEW it. And she WAS. Things haven’t been easy though. These last few months, have been like...I don’t know.
It’s been tough sometimes.”


"KEV? A little help, please?” A.J. yelled from upstairs. The older man quickly rose to his feet and ran up the stairs. He heard sounds coming from the bathroom. When he slowly pushed the door open, he found Nick sitting on a pillow in front of the toilet. Due to even more weight loss, sitting on the floor was too painful, so this was one of the ways A.J. had tried to make things somewhat comfortable. Kevin walked in to find the young man crying softly and A.J. sitting next to him. He was rubbing Nick’s back while whispering soothing words. When the rebel noticed he was standing there, he shot him a look that said it all.
”Again?” Kevin mouthed, just to be sure. The rebel nodded after which the eldest shook his head. No wonder Nick was crying.”Hey buddy,” Kevin whispered as he knelt down next to him. He placed a hand on his shoulder, causing the youngest to turn his head and look at him. Tears streamed down his cheeks, his breathing ragged.
“Let us help you. It’s okay.”
Another sob broke out of the young man as he tried to speak. “I-I’m so sorry..”
“It’s not your fault, Nick.” A.J. sighed.
“But-”
“Nick, it’s okay.” Kevin repeated, in hopes that the young man would allow them to help him.
“But...I-I can’t do this anymore.. It hurts..”
“I know it does. Give me a few minutes, okay?” Kevin said as he got up and walked out of the bathroom, leaving behind a puzzled A.J. who was trying to figure out what he was up to.

Two minutes later he walked back in, holding five towels in one hand and clean sheets in the other. “Jay, why don’t you put these on his bed?”Kevin said as he handed the blue cotton sheets to his friend. “Sure, but what are all those towels for?” he asked as he stood up.
“These are gonna help me clean up Nick.” Kevin sadly smiled, but as soon as he had finished his sentence, the youngest looked up, panic written all over his face. “Kev, I don’t-”
“I’ll be careful, Nicky.” Kevin said as he knelt down next to him. “Do you trust me?” he asked him as he locked eyes with the youngest. Nick slowly nodded. “I’m so sorry for making you go through this, Kevin.” Again tears streamed down his cheeks. “I tried to keep it down, really I did. And then suddenly, it was too late..”
“Shhh..” Kevin soothed. “I know. Now please let me help you clean up.”

The eldest stood up and took off his socks, followed by his shirt which he folded with care then placed it on top of the laundry-basket.
“But what-”
Kevin placed three towels in the tub, flipped on the water and made sure it was the right temperature. While he waited for the tub to fill, he helped Nick to take off his clothes.
“Those towels will make things more comfortable since your body will be resting on these instead of on the bottom of the tub itself.”
“Kev, are you-”
“Yes Nicky, I’m sure.” Kevin took off his jeans, folded them after which he carefully put them on top of his shirt.
“You’re still a neat freak, huh..” Nick sadly smiled, feeling insecure and ashamed of himself. “Always will be.” Kevin smiled. “Unlike you, Kaos. Ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” The young man sighed.
“Alright. Lean on me, okay?” Kevin helped him to stand up and take three steps forward.
“I’m gonna put one leg in the tub.” The eldest explained. “Then let me lift you, and I’ll slowly lower you into the water, okay?”
Nick felt so embarrassed, but he had given up the hostile attitude a while ago. He knew he needed their help, and that’s why he accepted it, even though it hurt so much to admit the fact that he was no longer independant. He knew he couldn’t do this without his assistance and that’s why he let Kevin help him right then and there.

After Kevin had helped him to put on some clothes and into his bed, the young man leaned back into the pillows and closed his eyes. He was exhausted, the bathroom incident had drained every bit of the little energy he had.
“Try to get some sleep, okay buddy?” Kevin said as he rose to his feet. Nick nodded and right before the eldest walked out of his bedroom, he whispered. “Kev?”
“Yeah?” He turned around, waiting for Nick to continue.
“Would you mind not telling the others about this?” he softly asked, his eyes still closed.
“I won’t tell them, Nicky, alright? I won’t.”



Kevin looked at his watch and noticed he had been talking at the cemetery for the last 2 hours. He touched the tombstone for a second, stood up and shoved his hands into his pockets.
“I’m so happy that things are finally changing, that Nick is regaining some of his strength. It’s just..” Kevin shook his head, he couldn’t change the past, so dwelling on what could’ve been wasn’t helping anyone. He should stay focused on being there for Nick, but more than once he found himself sitting on the porch, staring at the sky instead of helping A.J. with taking care of his youngest friend. He wanted nothing more than to be there for Nick, but at the same time, him getting better made him sort of jealous. “Dad, I just wish.. someone could have saved you too..”

~~~~

The sound of a ringing cellphone shook him out of his thoughts so he grabbed it and flipped it open as quickly as possible to stop it from producing sound. He held it to his ear and immediately heard a voice that he was familiar with.
”Hey honey, so what did the doctor say?”
”Hey sweetheart.” Brian whispered.
”Why are you whispering?” Leighanne softly asked.
“We’re still in the car, and Nick’s asleep.” Brian turned around to check if Nick was indeed still sleeping, but by the looks of it, he was, his head resting on a pillow on Kevin’s lap.
Brian smiled at the sight, Kevin seemed to be asleep too, his one hand was resting on the younger man’s shoulder in a protective manner.
“Sorry.” Leighanne whispered.
“That’s okay. Finally good news, baby. Doc said his body is responding to the treatment. It’s effectively fighting the cancer and some tumors already reduced in size.” Again tears of relief filled his eyes. Dr. Schagen had been right when she said that Nick still had a chance. Even though the price Nick had to pay was high, he felt even sicker than before, this new treatment was finally helping him to win this battle. Thankfully, Dr. Schagen had told them it was okay to fly home and get the treatment there, as long as someone from the Netherlands came with them to train the personnel at the hospital where Nick would get his treatment. She had made them promise to keep her informed about his condition, and Brian could’ve sworn she too got emotional when he called her to fill her in on the results.



“So Frack, think you can eat something?” Brian asked as he sat down next to him.
“Hmm.. I’m just not sure I can keep it down, but yeah, I think I’m hungry.” Nick replied as he looked at his best friend, a hint of surprise coloured his voice. He could hardly remember the last time he felt like eating, so this was kind of a surprise, even to himself.
“So am I.” A.J. said as he plopped down on the couch across from the other two.
“Did I hear someone say something about eating?” Howie walked in as he took off his jacket.
Brian nodded. “Yups.”
“Good, I’m starving.” Howie smiled as he sat down next to A.J. “Where’s Kevin?”
“At home. He’s gonna drop by later tonight.” The rebel replied. “Everyone seems to think this is a hotel where you can walk right in without reservation or something.” He rolled his eyes, but it was obvious he liked the company.
“You’d call us if we didn’t.” Howie chuckled. “But what about dinner?” he turned his head to look at the two men across from him. “Any suggestions?”
“Yeah, I’m thinking, pizza.” Nick smiled.
“Pizza?!” Brian echoed. “Are you sure?”
“No, but what the heck.. I feel like having pizza.”
“Then pizza it’s gonna be!” Brian grinned. It had been a long time since Nick said he was acutally hungry, so this was another victory. A small one, but still a victory.

~~~~

A light warm breeze blew across Kevin’s face as he turned around to head for the gate of the cemetery. The thought his father had been listening, brought a smile to his face. He looked up at the sky. “Yeah dad, I’m going home now. But before I do, I want you to know that things are finally gonna get better now.I think, no, I KNOW things are finally gonna be okay."

Kevin was dreaming; the images set before his emerald gaze surreal. His body sat stiff in the pew, hands clasped tightly in his lap. Lips pursed into a thin line, he stared, his face void of emotion, his mind seemingly blank. Brian sat immediately to his left, A.J. beside him and Howie directly on his right. All four men sat in silence, an occasional eruption of raw emotion falling away from Brian every so often, prompting A.J. to mindlessly reach over and rub his older friend’s back, the rebel’s expression hard. The older man saw everything in extravagant detail; the flowers decorating the church, the baskets overflowing with fan letters, each one proclaiming their own despair and regrets coupled with their love and support. His eyes drank in the people surrounding him; he heard the muffled chants outside, cries of devotion and loss mixing in with the priest’s gently spoken words.

No more than a few rows up, Kevin could see his shattered heart, strewn around a long mahogany casket, laying open for the world to see. From where he sat, the eldest could make out the faint profile of his youngest brother. Blue eyes forever closed, Nick’s face was peaceful and serene, almost two years of fighting erased, his lips closed in what looked to be a small smile. Short, blonde hair that had begun to grow back had been lovingly spiked and tousled, a glittering ‘BsB’ necklace strung around his neck, mini rainbows hitting the walls of the church as the sun shown through the painted windows. Off to the side, the minister continued to speak, his words swirling around the room, drawing weak smiles and murmured bouts of laughter as memories were lovingly recalled and mingled upon.

Kevin marveled at the likeliness of the dream, feeling as though he were watching in third person, and slightly in awe of how realistic it seemed to be. A feeling of raw emotion tugged faintly on his heart, a gnawing in the pit of his stomach but he brushed both feelings off, knowing the moment he awoke, everything would be fine again. The older man wasn’t a stranger to these dreams, having had them many times over the course of Nick’s battle with cancer. With Nick being treated, the dreams had begun to appear less frequently, but every so often, they snuck into his sub-conscious, the fear of what could have been haunting him. A small smile crossed his face as he heard the priest begin to speak about Nick being treated, knowing full well he would awaken soon enough. Closing his eyes within his dream, he allowed himself to reminisce,

~Flashback~

“Alright Nick, we’re done.” Dr. Peterson nodded, throwing away a used needle before washing his hands. Wiping them quickly, he turned around to face the younger man, a smile on his face. “Congratulations, 4 ½ months down and you seem to be almost in complete remission. Feel good?”
“Hell yeah..” Nick grinned, jumping off the examine table and reaching for his shirt. Pulling it on over his head, he ran a hand through his hair, an even bigger smile surfacing on his face at the thought of how he could run his fingers through his hair again. “It’s great to be completely healthy again.”
“Now, you’re not completely healthy,” Dr. Peterson warned, wagging his finger at the blonde, who laughed softly. “I’m serious Nick, you’re immune system is still very weak. You’ve got to make sure you take it easy in the first year or so of remission. You need to make sure you build your immunity back up.”
“I know, I know.” Nick muttered, rolling his eyes as he jerked his finger backwards. “They never let me hear the end of it.” Dr. Peterson directed his gaze towards the other side of the room, a small smile gracing his features at the four men who were watching the exchange with loose smiles on their faces. “Especially Kev.” Kevin simply shrugged loosely as he rose to his feat, a small laugh tumbling out of him as he moved forward, looping an arm around his youngest friend. “Won’t even let me go to the mall. I’m in like a damn bubble with Kev around all the time.”

“You didn’t even go to the mall before you got sick Frack.” Brian sighed, rolling his eyes at his best friend. “You hate shopping.”
“Not to mention we can’t really go more than like, 2 stores, without being mobbed.” A.J. muttered, pulling his hat back onto his head as Howie nodded in agreement.
“My point,” Nick stressed, rolling his own blue eyes again, “Is that I can’t do shit because no one will like, let me leave the house.”
“Language, Carter.” The eldest reprimanded, prodding Nick gently in the ribs. “We just want you to be okay, you know.”
“Still,” Came the grumble as Nick ducked out of the embrace to put his shoes on. “It’d be nice to leave my plastic bubble every so often. I feel like I’m under house arrest or something.”
“Awww, poor Nicky.” Howie laughed, patting his younger friend on the back. “You can always jump houses.”
“Oh yeah, that’s much more fun. I can be under house arrest at you place instead of A.J.’s! Whoopee.” The youngest muttered dryly, tugging his jacket on as he shot Howie a glare.

“Someone’s got an attitude,” The rebel cooed, prompting Nick to flip him off as he laughed. “Testy testy.”
“I’ll show you attitude…” Nick threatened, walking towards A.J. who ducked behind Brian, chuckling. The Kentuckian simply laughed, putting his hands on Nick’s shoulders and pushing him away slowly.“Don’t kill him Nick, he’s the one living with you. He may try to poison your food or something.”
“He won’t be able to if he’s in a body cast.” The younger man hissed through clenched teeth, reaching around Brian’s grip and smacking A.J. in the head. “Hey!” A.J. yelped, ducking down as Nick tried to hit him again. Reaching over, he smacked Nick in the side, prompting a low grunt from his youngest friend. “Back off dude.”

“Nick! A.J.! Will you two knock it off?” Came the order as Kevin moved over to the trio, gently pulling Nick back. “For heaven’s sake guys. We’re in a hospital…can’t you act your ages?”
“Well I figured I was acting mature.” Nick shrugged, giving A.J. a look before relenting and walking back over to where Dr. Peterson was chuckling.
“And how’s that?” The older man sighed, his expression exasperated.
“If I hurt him, we were already in the hospital. So Dr. P could stitch him right up.” Kevin simply gaped at him, Brian and Howie laughing in the background and A.J. muttering incomprehensively as he glared, a small smirk turning up the corners of his mouth. “I would have saved you the trip.” Shaking his head slowly, Kevin allowed a small smile to glide onto his features, ruffling Nick’s short hair. “You’re insane, baby. Insane.”
“You know you love me.”

“We do not.” The rebel mumbled, throwing his sunglasses on his face. “So what’s the deal, we all done here?”
“Pretty much.” Dr. Peterson nodded, glancing over his folder before closing it and setting it down. “Just remember to take it easy.”
“I knooooooow. I knooooooow.” The youngest moaned. “Jeeze.”
“One year Nick, that’s all I ask; that you take it easy and keep it low key for one year. It’s not the end of the world.”
“Hmmfh.” The youth snorted, “At least I can play video games again.”
“Well there you go then,” Dr. Peterson laughed, “You gotta take some for the team.” He flipped his folder back open, skimming the contents before looking back at his patient. “So I’ll see you next month?”
“Yup. You’ll see me next month, in top shape.” Nick puffed out his chest as he grinned, causing everyone in the room to chuckle.

“You wanna stay in top shape? Then you gotta stay healthy, so put on your gloves…and your scarf.” Kevin directed, handing the younger man the items as they all walked out of the room. “And the hat.”
“You see? You see what I have to deal with? We’re not even OUT of the hospital yet!” Nick sighed with exasperation as he gestured at the older man before shooting Dr. Peterson a glare and then Kevin. “You say I’m insane...you’re insane!”
“I’d rather be insane than short one brother, no matter how much of a pain in the ass he is,” Kevin paused for a moment and heaved a breath as he snatched the hat and scarf out of the blonde’s hands, throwing the scarf around the younger man’s neck and mashing the hat onto his head. “Put the gloves on.”

“Asshole.” The youngest muttered through the wool scarf, tugging his gloves on with a roll of his eyes. “They’re on. Can we go now? I’m hungry.”
“When are you not?” Brian teased, thumping Nick on the back as they started to walk down the hall.
“Hey, hey, I went like a year eating shit to nothing. I’m making up for it now.”
“Alright, alright.” Turning around, Kevin shook the doctor’s hand before following Nick down the hallway. “Thanks again.”
“Thank Dr. P! See ya next month!” Nick hollered over his shoulder, prompting a small smack on the back of the head from Howie. “Hey! What was that for?”
“Hospital? Keep your voice down Nick,” The Latino lectured, rubbing the younger man’s back as he tugged his cell phone out of his pocket, glancing over it. Kevin simply nodded, punching the button once they reached the elevators.

“What do you want to eat Nickers?” A.J. sighed as they all loaded into the elevator, watching as Kevin gestured to the ‘parking lot e’ button, before hitting it.
“I dunno.” Nick’s voice was soft and low and all four men noticed it, turning to look at their youngest friend who was leaning against the elevator walls, eyes shut.
“Frack?” Brian called softly, turning full around to look at his best friend, concern radiating from his sapphire gaze. Reaching out a hand, he placed it gently on Nick’s shoulder, rubbing it slowly. “You okay buddy?”
Nick nodded, blinking his eyes open as he half smiled, “I’m good.”
“You sure?” Kevin pressed, his eyes moving to the doors as they slid open. “We can go back to Dr. Peterson if you’re not feeling well.”
“I’m fine Kev.” The youth sighed, pushing off the wall and walking out of the elevator, his four friends following. “Really.”
“You tired?”
“A bit.” Nick answered with a small shrug as he glanced at Howie, who had asked the question. “Nothing to be worried about.”

A cough fell away from him and A.J. raised an eyebrow, shooting a look at his other friends.
“Nicky, I think we should have Dr. P. take another look at you.” The rebel suggested, coming to a halt as they reached the car.
“Guys, I’m fine, okay? He just checked me out…if there was something wrong, he would have caught it. One cough does not mean I’m going to keel over on the spot, okay?” He was met with silence and four concerned faces and fought not to roll his eyes.
“Alright Nick.” Kevin relented after glancing up and down at his friend before unlocking the car and ushering everyone in. The five men were quiet as the car pulled out of the garage, all of them wrapped up in their own thoughts.
“Guys,” Nick began, turning from his spot in the passenger side to shoot a small look at each of his friends before continuing, “I’m not going anywhere.”
“We know bud,” Brian smiled, “We just worry.” The corners of Nick’s mouth slightly turned up and he slowly nodded before shaking his head slowly.
“You guys don’t need to worry anymore. Everything is going to be just fine now.” The youth directed his eyes to the window, his voice growing soft again, “I promise.”

~end flashback~

“Kev?” The older man felt himself being pulled away from his memories as a prod hit him deep in the side, a soft grunt of protest escaping him. “Kevin?” His name was whispered again, a deeper sense of urgency creeping into it and he fought off a groan. What was so important that he had to open his eyes now? Shifting positions, he frowned, why did his body feel so stiff? So drained? “Kevin? You listening to me, man?” Emerald eyes fluttered open at the third address, annoyance rushing through the older man before confusion quickly wiped it away. Why was his dream still before his eyes? Shaking his head, he blinked once, twice, a third time, in an effort to clear the picture; a sinking feeling washing over him as the images failed to falter, more vivid and real than ever. Kevin felt his breath catch in his throat, sweat beginning to break out on his forehead. This wasn’t happening. Glancing to his left, he saw Brian staring at him mournfully, his cousin’s sapphire eyes bloodshot, his face pale and tear streaked.

“No…” The word tumbled from his lips in no more than a whisper, the slightest movement threatening to drown it out, a sick feeling building in the pit of his stomach. Looking around, he saw AJ’s brown eyes narrowed in confusion, unhidden by sunglasses and full of more sorrow than he had ever seen. Saw Howie’s chocolate colored gaze wide, round and worried, memories of times past and present day regret seeping through. Green eyes snapped to the front of the church, a sharp intake in breath coupled with a low moan escaping Kevin as he saw Nick’s casket, the faint profile of his youngest friend unwavering as he stared, grief tumbling down onto him. “No…God no…”

“Kev…what’s going on with you?” Howie murmured, reaching a hand over and shaking him gently. “It’s your turn to speak…everyone is waiting…” The sentence trailed off into silence as the Latino tried to gauge his older friend’s behavior, unsure of what was going on. Bringing a hand up, Kevin rubbed his eyes harshly before peering around the entire room. The crowd was mainly silent, rebellious whispers racing through the quiet every few moments, uncertainty of what was going on hovering over everyone. Over in the far corner, the eldest could see the minister leaning against the podium, a semi impatient look coloring his aged features as he waited for someone to make a move.

“Man…Kev, would you snap out of it?” AJ hissed, knocking the eldest in the knee as his frowned deepened. “What’s wrong with you?”
“I-It was a dream…” Kevin breathed, his jade gaze locking with AJ’s auburn eyes. His hands beginning to shake as reality fully started to sink in, his heart breaking. “It was just supposed to be a dream!” His words rose an octave or two at the end of his statement causing a muffled curse to slip from the rebel as a confused look slipped into Brian’s sorrowful state.
“What in God’s name are you talking about?” AJ snapped, trying to keep his composure. Since when was Kevin the one to fall apart like this? As if it the day wasn’t bad enough on its own, AJ had his hands full with Brian, the younger Kentuckian bordering on hysterical every time the minister said Nick’s name. “Howie…crap, um, why don’t you go for now? Give Kevin a chance to pull himself together.” The rebel suggested after a moment of silence. Howie paled at the words, his eyes jumping to the front of the church as a shiver ran through him. “AJ, I…” Howie trailed off at the look his youngest friend sent him, biting back a sigh as he nodded slowly, swallowing harshly before rising to his feet. He was almost out of the row when a hand gripped his wrist, immediately stopping him, the Latino turning to find Kevin standing next to him. “No.”
“No?” Howie repeated in confusion staring at Kevin, who simply stared back at him, his eyes narrowed and vacant. Biting back a sigh, Howie sank back down, shrugging to AJ and Brian as he waited for Kevin to move. It took only a spit second before Kevin began to make his way to the front of the church, his eyes on the floor as he walked. Reality flooded back to him with every step, silently chastising himself for making such a scene. How could he have blanked out like that? He knew this wasn’t a dream. Knew Nick really had died. A pang in his heart burst forth as he thought of the statement. Nick had died. Nick was dead.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day

He forced himself to keep his eyes on the ground, knowing full well he’d lose his composure if he stole another look at Nick’s casket. Reaching the alter, he walked up the few steps painfully slow, hesitation and an overwhelming want to run in the opposite direction creeping into his every step. Coming to the pulpit, he mumbled out a quick apology towards the minister, who simply nodded before gesturing to the microphone. Taking in a broken breath, he turned to face the crowd, his eyes sweeping around the room and recognizing more than half the people who sat waiting for him to speak. Immediately finding Howie, AJ, Brian, Leighanne and Kristin, he concentrated his gaze on them, not trusting himself to look anywhere else.

I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

“I um…I-I want to apologize for the wait,” His voice was low and shaky and Kevin cleared his throat a few times before licking his lips, trying to keep his pitch steady. “I’m sure you can all understand what a hard day this is for me…for everyone, and this speech is something…something I haven’t prepared. I mean, how do you…do you say goodbye to someone that was your brother? One of your best friends? Someone that was like a….a…a son?”

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

The older man’s statement shook so much at the last question that he had to pause for a few moments, breathing deeply as he struggled to keep himself together. “This wasn’t fair to anyone, especially Nick…he fought so hard and so long to avoid this outcome. This ending was something we weren’t prepared for and I ask God everyday why He chose to take Nicky away from us so suddenly. We didn’t even get to say goodbye…”

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack

~~flashback~~

“Are you SURE you feel okay?” Brain demanded as he thumped Nick on the stomach, grinning as the younger man flipped him off. “For the millionth time, I’m FINE.” The blonde sighed, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on the video game he was playing. “For heaven’s sake.”
“Maybe we should take your temperature.” Howie suggested, chuckling as Nick quickly shot him a glare. “Nicky, you look paler than usual and your cheeks are all flushed. We’re just making sure you’re okay.”
“First off,” Nick muttered, his sentence pausing as he began smashing the buttons on his controller before letting out a large moan of defeat. Chucking the controller to the side, he swore loudly, rolling his eyes. “Aaaaaaargh! I almost HAD him!”
“Almost, yeah. How tragic.” AJ sighed in boredom. “What were you gonna say?”
“Huh? Oh, oh yeah,” The youth nodded, picking back up the controller and clicking a few buttons. “Ummm…”
“Nick!” Kevin snapped his fingers a few times, rolling his own eyes as Nick ignored him. “Hello! Concentrate Carter, it can’t be that hard.”
“Yeah fuck you too Kev.” Came the retort as Nick finally shut off the console, sitting back with a long sigh. “I forgot what I was gonna say anyhow.”

“You spaz.” The rebel muttered kicking at Nick’s head from his seat on the couch. “I guess it was that hard.”
“I’ll kick your ass for that one McLean.”
“You can try.”
“Asshole.”
Brian watched the exchange amusingly, laughing as Nick swatted at AJ before getting up and sitting on top of him.
“OUCH!” AJ yelped, glaring as Nick plopped down onto his legs. “Get the hell off of me dude, you’re crushing me!”
“You saying I’m fat?”
“If it’ll get you off of me, yes.” The rebel spat, sitting up and shoving Nick off, a smile working it’s way onto his face as Nick hit the floor with a ‘thud’.
“That HURT!” The youngest man protested, pouting as he looked at Kevin, batting his eyes. “Kevvvvvvvvvvvv, AJ hurt meeeeeeeee.” He whined, prompting laughs from Howie and Brian. “Punish him.”
“Dream on Nicky-boy.” AJ shrugged as he re-positioned himself, “Kevvy can’t do shit.” The eldest raised an eyebrow at the comment, his eyes jumping from Nick to AJ. “You think so?” Kevin asked lowly, quirking his other eyebrow as well as he sat forward.
“I know so.”
“Hmmph.” The oldest snorted, rolling his eyes. “I’d kill you but that’d make a mess and I don’t feel like cleaning anything up.”
“Laaaaaaame.” Howie, Brian and Nick all sing-songed, watching as Kevin simply rolled his eyes again.

A small string of coughs caused everyone to fall silent, the attention turning back to Nick who rolled his own eyes again. “Time to take that temperature Nicky.” Kevin sighed, getting to his feet. “AJ, where’s your thermometer?”
“Bathroom cabinet.”
“I’m FINE.” Nick mumbled, crossing his arms as he leaned back against the couch. “Dr. Peterson said I was fine. Six months in remission now…doesn’t that mean you guys can ease up?”
“No.” The eldest answered, walking back into the room as he gave Nick a look. “C’mere Nick.”
“Why? You gonna take my temp for me?” The younger man scowled, “Just give it to me.” A half smile slid onto his face as Kevin passed the thermometer over and he uncapped it, sticking it into his mouth. “Fank voo.”
“No talking.” Brian reprimanded, causing Nick to flip him off again. “Touchy touchy.” He laughed, directing his gaze to Kevin who was pulling on his jacket as he watched Nick. “Where you going?”
“Dinner tonight…remember Bri? You, me, Leigh, and Kris?”
A startled look flashed across Brian’s face as he got to his feet, shaking his head before nodding. “I totally forgot!” A groan left him and he slapped a hand to his forehead, “I didn’t get a sitter for Baylee!”
“I can watch him.” Howie offered, watching his two friends lazily. “I’ve got nothing else to do but hang here with these two.”
“And what, may I ask, is so bad about my company?”
“Vat aboot mife?” Nick nodded, frowning at his own words.
“Errrrr….” The Latino shrugged, “Nothing?”
“Voo found bery puspicious.” Came Nick’s reply as he raised an eyebrow at Howie, making the older man turn red. “Uh-humpf.”
“Hush.” The younger Kentuckian directed, patting Nick on the head. “That’d be awesome Howie, I’d really appreciate it.”

A low beeping sounded off in the room and Brian reached down, pulling the thermometer out of Nick’s mouth. “Hey…Kev, I think he’s actually got a bit of a cold.”
“What?” Both Nick and Kevin demanded, as Kevin moved from the doorway and Nick rose to his feet.
“Yeah, look,” Brian held out the thermometer to the two men, Howie moving over to take a look. “99.8.”
“Oh c’mon!” The youth half-laughed, “99.8? That’s not a cold…that’s like…a sniffle!”
Kevin simply frowned, reaching over and placing a hand on Nick’s forehead, his frown deepening as Nick ducked out of reach. “Sniffle or not, I want you to get to bed.”
“Bed?” Nick echoed, glancing at the clock on the wall, “It’s 9’o clock!”
“I don’t care. Your immune system is still weak and I’m not taking any chances. Get to bed. AJ, make sure he stays there.”
“But Kev-”
“No Nick.” The older man shook his head. “No buts. Get to bed…now.”
“You’re totally overreacting!” Nick protested, “Right? Frick?”
“You can never be too careful Frack.”
“You guys are NUTS! I’m FINE!”
“I don’t care. Get to bed Carter, I’m not kidding.”
The ringing of Kevin’s cell phone sliced through the air and he shot Nick a look before digging it out of his pocket. “Hello? Hey babe…no, Brian and I are heading out from AJ’s now….yeah. Uh-huh. Well we gotta stop at Bri’s place to get Leigh and drop off Howie cuz he’s watching….right. Are you at home? Okay, why don’t you head to Bri’s and we’ll meet you there….yes we’re leaving now…no I’m not just standing in place talking…” An exasperated look flashed over Kevin’s face and he covered the receiver for a moment. “Bed. NOW.” He ordered, causing Nick to let out an annoyed yell before stomping off. “Huh? Yes baby…yes I was listening….”

“You ready to go D?” Brian chuckled, nodding towards the door.
“Yeah.” The Latino grabbed his coat before heading towards the door, pulling it open.
“Tell Frack I’ll see him tomorrow.” The Southerner sighed, “See ya AJ.”
“Same here.” Howie nodded, stepping out. “Later.”

“No…no we’re already in the car. Yes…we’ll be there soon…yes honey, I know…I know…hang on for one sec baby…just one sec…” Kevin pulled the phone away from his ear, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. “I’ll call you later AJ, make sure Nick stays in bed, okay?”
“Gotcha old man.”
“Huh? I said hold on…no, I was talking to…I already said we were on our way…”

~~Later that night~~

The loud whining of a phone shook Kevin from his sleep, jolting him as he let out a loud groan, grabbing his pillow and covering his head with it. Who the hell was calling at this hour? Rolling over, he cuddled up to Kristin, hearing her let out a small sigh of content as the phone went silent. He was almost back in the arms of slumber when the phone rang again, a muttered curse leaving him as he blindly grabbed for the cell phone on the nightstand, blinking harshly against the lit display.

“Who is it?” Kristin mumbled, bringing a hand up to rub her eyes. “Kevin, its 4’o clock in the morning!” She sighed, glancing at the clock with a small moan.
“I know…I don’t know the number.” Throwing the phone back down, he ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry baby. Go back to sleep.” The sentence has just left his mouth when the phone rang for a third time, prompting a low growl from the older man.
“Just answer it honey or turn it off. I just need to get some sleep.”
He nodded at the words, snatching the phone up and flipping it open. “Listen, whoever the hell this is I…Brian?” Malice turned to shock as Kevin sat up quickly, pressing the phone against his ear. “Brian…Brian slow down….no…where ARE you….? What? I can’t…Brian, WHAT is going ON? Hello? AJ? Is that you? What’s going…you’re WHERE?” Kevin leapt out of the bed as if it were on fire at the answer, running over to his dresser and yanking out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. “Okay…okay…no…oh shit…shit….SHIT….no…I….I’ll be right there…did you call…his way….no…I’m coming now….yes! Yeah, I’ll be right there…okay…okay…I said OKAY…bye.”

“Honey? Honey what’s wrong?” Kristin was now sitting up, watching with confusion as Kevin dashed around the room, grabbing his wallet and keys and yanking on his shoes, his cell phone in his mouth as he did so. “Kevin?” She flipped on the light, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the sudden brightness, “What’s going on?”

“Nick…” Kevin got out, succeeding in getting his shoes on and shoving his phone into his pocket. Pulling the t-shirt over his head, he walked to the closet, grabbing his jacket out. “Something happened, Brian and AJ are at the hospital, Howie’s on his way. I gotta go…I’ll call you when I know.” And with that, he was out the door, dashing down the stairs. The front door bounced off the wall, slamming shut as he ran out to his car, shoving the keys in the ignition and stomping on the gas, the vehicle flying down the street. He was halfway to the hospital when his cell rang again, “What….no…no I’m almost there…like 5 minutes…Howie, what the hell is going on? Didn’t they say what happened? Fuck…didn’t you ASK? Well who gives a shit if you just got there…didn’t you…didn’t AJ or Brian…well why the hell NOT?” Kevin slammed on the brakes as a light turned red, almost running it in the process. “NO! Dammit, I’ll be there in 2 seconds…yes…okay…okay…yeah…bye.” The tires of the car screeched at the light turned green, the older man making it to the hospital a second later. Running through the door, he didn’t even bother with the elevator, yanking the stairwell door open and taking the stairs two at a time to the 3rd floor. Rounding the corner, he entered the waiting room, immediately finding Howie, AJ and Brian all sitting together.

“Kev!” Brian and AJ looked up at the address, both of them looking shaken.
“What happened?” The eldest demanded as a make shift greeting, looking at his two younger band-mates.
“I don’t know Kev,” AJ started, his eyes on the floor. The rebel was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, his eyes unhidden, a cap messily placed on his head. “I was watching TV in my room and all of the sudden I heard him yell, so I went to go check on him and,” He let the sentence trail off as he shook his head, closing his eyes. “He was standing by his bed…and, I don’t know what the fuck happened, I don’t…he just, he looked at me and said my name…then he just…he just went down man, I tried waking him up but I couldn’t then I called 911.” AJ blinked his eyes back open, shaking his head, “They wouldn’t tell me shit in the ambulance, all they did was fucking yell at one another and rush him in.”
“Hasn’t any-”
“No one’s been out to talk to us since.” The rebel interjected, shaking his head again. “I’ve tried asking them what’s going on, so has Bri and D. They just keep telling us to wait.”

“Fuck.” The older man hissed out, sinking down into a chair as he wrung his hands together. Letting out a breath, he assessed the situation fully, glancing at Brian, who sat almost rigid in his seat, his blue eyes glued to the door. The Kentuckian was dressed in pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt, a blue Wildcats hat smashed onto his head, flip-flops on his feet. Sighing again, Kevin brought an arm up, patting the younger man on the back and prompting Brian to quickly look at him, a miserable attempt at a smile gracing his features before he turned his attention back to the doors. Howie sat quietly next to AJ, dressed simply in gym shorts, tennis shoes and a black shirt, he ran a hand through his hair before running it over his face, unable to believe they were back in this situation once more. Half an hour turned into an hour, the minutes ticking by as the four men silently waited, none of them having the energy to speak. By 5:30am, a doctor finally emerged from the double doors, sending all of them shooting to their feet, apprehension washing over the quartet as the doctor immediately headed in their direction.

“Are you four here for Mr. Nickolas Carter?”
“Yes. I’m Kevin Richardson, that’s Howie Dorough, Brian Littrell and AJ McLean…we’re family.”
A dubious expression passed over the doctor’s face, disappearing as quickly as it had come.
“I’m Dr. Jaime Kent, if you would please, take a seat?” He gestured for the men to sit down, frowning slightly as none of them moved,
“I don’t mean any disrespect,” Howie began slowly, “But where’s Dr. Peterson? He’s been overseeing Nick’s case from the beginning an-”
“Dr. Peterson is currently with Mr. Carter, I was sent out here to explain the circumstances to you.” Dr. Kent explained stiffly, “This is a complicated situation, and Dr. Peterson felt it was best to stay with the patient and oversee various operations and procedures. Now, if you wouldn’t mind, please, sit down.” A small glare was shot at Kevin as AJ slowly sank into his seat, a scowl on his face. The eldest simply nodded, giving the rebel a look, quietly willing him to keep him mouth shut.

“So what exactly happened?” Brian asked softly, speaking for the first time since Kevin had arrived. “Is Nick okay?”
“Mr. Carter is suffering from a sudden onslaught of pneumonia, which is basically a severe cold that attacks a patient’s lungs and respiratory system, specifically.” A small moan left the Kentuckian at the explanation and Howie patted him on the knee in a small effort to comfort him as he nodded slowly, “What does that mean exactly?”
“Pneumonia occurs when the alveoli, which are tiny air sacs in your lungs that take in oxygen, become inflamed and flooded with fluid. Sadly, this outcome is a typical one in patients with lung cancer,” Dr. Kent explained. “Coughs, fevers and trouble breathing are all common symptoms but pneumonia can also manifest itself quietly and almost undetected, like it seems to have done in you friend’s system.”

“But Nick was fine when Dr. Peterson checked him less than a month ago…” AJ tried, shaking his head. “Wouldn’t he have seen something wrong?”
“Pneumonia is a very quick thing; it can start up in a matter of weeks, even in a few days.
Mr. Carter has acquired what is technically known as bronchiolitis obliterans organizing pneumonia. Because of the lung cancer and his weakened immune system, it attacked his lungs much quicker than normal. His collapse was brought on by a halt in oxygen reaching his lungs due to such an extreme amount of inflammation.”

“I-is he going to be okay?” Kevin finally got out, his green eyes wide. “I mean, this is just a cold like you said, right? Nothing you guys can’t cure? The cancer is still gone, isn’t it?”
“The cancer is still in remission, yes but Mr. Carter’s outcome is…unsure…at the moment.”
“What the fuck do you mean his outcome is UNSURE?” AJ spat, his brown eyes narrowed in anger at the explanation. “How the fuck is someone’s outcome UNSURE? That’s BULLSHIT!”
“AJ!” The eldest hissed, snapping to stare at the younger man. “Keep your damn mouth shut!”
“I-”
“His outcome is unsure, Mr. McLean,” The doctor rushed out, a stern look on his features as he paused, eyeing the younger man before continuing, “Because we aren’t sure of the extent of the pneumonia yet. We’re currently running as many tests as we can but we can only do so many while Mr. Carter remains in the unconscious state that he is.”
“What?” Brian whispered. “Unconscious?”
“As I mentioned before, there is a severe lack of oxygen reaching Mr. Carter’s lungs, thus, it has enclosed him in a level of unconsciousness. We currently have him on a respirator to help him breathe.” Dr. Kent elaborated as he shoved his hands in his pocket. “Now, if you four would like to see him, Dr. Peterson has allowed for a brief visit, mind you, only from outside the room.”
“Why do we have to stay outside?” The eldest demanded, rising to his feet and motioning for his band-mates to follow.
“The environment in the room is very crucial right now. Since Mr. Carter’s immune system is already weak from the cancer and the pneumonia, we can’t risk the chance of exposing him to any potential germs. The outcome could be fatal.”

AJ made a small sound as though someone had punched him, the air rushing from his lungs as he shook his head, his brown eyes on the floor as they walked down the hallways, coming to stop a few moments later. “You may look into the room through that window over there,” Dr. Kent nodded towards the large glass window a few feet in front of them, gesturing tiredly. “I have to check on a few things but I’ll be back in about 20 minutes.”
“Thanks.” Kevin mumbled, forcing himself to move away from the group and up to the window, his heart breaking at the scenario he saw inside. From where he stood, Nick lay parallel to him, his eyes firmly shut, his body tucked gently under a light blue hospital blanket. Two nurses, accompanied by Dr. Peterson moved around the room, administering shots, drawing blood and scribbling notes down onto clipboards they each held. A long white tube snaked up from one of the machines set off to the side, winding up the bed and disappearing down Nick’s throat, the youth’s chest rising and falling methodically with the machine.

“Oh Nicky,” He sighed, leaning his forehead against the cool window pane, his eyes fluttering shut. “You can’t give up on us now…not after everything we’ve been through…”
“Jesus,” The word slipped away from Brian as he stood aside Kevin, his blue eyes wide as he covered his mouth. “He didn’t look this bad before,” He breathed, shaking his head, “Even with the cancer, he didn’t look this bad…something isn’t right…”
“Nothing about this is right Brian.” The rebel snapped, glaring at his older friend as he shoved his hands deep into his pockets, kicking the wall before him as he looked over the scene inside the room. “Fuck.”
“Calm it down AJ.” Howie chided softly, not even looking at the younger man as he leaned on the sill of the window, letting out a deep breath, briefly clouding up the area before him. “God he looks so young.”
“He is young.” The youngest man snapped. “Too damn young for any of this bullshit.”
“Your attitude isn't helping things AJ.”
“Don’t start with me Littrell,” AJ growled, tearing his eyes away from Nick to glare once more at his older friend. “I’m not in the mood what SO ever for your holier-than-thou lecture, so just shut it.”
“Look, we’re all having a har-”
“Stop it.” Came the harsh demand from the oldest man, his jade gaze unwavering on his youngest brother. “Stop it now. This isn’t the place or the time for your petty bickering bullshit,” His eyes briefly jumped to stare at Brian, then AJ, before settling back on Nick’s still form. “So knock it the fuck off. I’m NOT going to say it again.” Silence fell over the four men at the end of Kevin’s reprimand, the only sounds coming from the muffled voices and monitors in the room before them as each man fell victim to his own thoughts.

“It’s time to go now.” Dr. Kent’s voice caused them all to jump, turning to find the doctor looking at them expectedly, a clipboard held tightly in one hand. “I’m sorry but you’re technically not even supposed to be around here. This part of the hospital is usually for patients and staff only.”
“Um, we understand.” Kevin pushed himself away from the room, his eyes roaming over Nick once more before focusing on the man before him. “Thank you for letting us see him.”
“Yeah,” Howie agreed, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” A small smile slipped onto Dr. Kent’s features and he let out a small breath. “Now if-”
“Good evening gentlemen,” A tired and slightly muffled voice interrupted as Dr. Peterson stepped out of Nick’s room, removing his facemask. “Dr. Kent, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to speak to these four for a moment.” The younger doctor nodded curtly, glancing at each man briefly before turning and walking down the hallway, soon disappearing around a corner.
“How is he?” AJ asked lowly, nodding towards the room. “Your collegue was rather…unsure.” The last word was dripping with sarcasm and Kevin fought the urge to smack the younger man, simply out of pure exasperation.
“Not the best,” Dr. Peterson said with a shake of his head. “Dr. Kent filled you in on the details of the pneumonia?” He was met with nods and let out a long sigh. “I’m afraid Nick’s odds aren’t good right now.”
“But he’ll be okay, right?” The Kentuckian forced out, his voice shaky. “I mean, his odds weren’t good with the cancer and he beat it…this is gonna be the same way…right?”

A sympathetic smile slid across the older man’s face at the words. “I wish I could tell you, yes Brian,” He began softly. “But I can’t. I really can’t say much of anything right now.”
Dr. Peterson shrugged tiredly, “The pneumonia isn’t severe but it’s definitely something to be very concerned about. I’m worried Nick’s immune system isn’t as strong as it should be by now.”
“Does that mean he won’t make it?” Howie asked hesitantly, afraid of the answer; his body shifting from side to side as he waited.
“That means,” Dr. Peterson paused for a moment, thinking over his statement carefully. “It means he has a bigger battle in front of him.”
“Is there any way we ca-” Kevin statement was cut short as a loud flat flurry of beeps shot through the room, a panicked looking nurse wrenching the door open, her eyes wide.
“He’s going into cardiac arrest!” Dr. Peterson was back in the room in a split second and AJ grabbed at the door to keep it from closing, his eyes wide as he watched the chaos unfold.
“Pull out that IV NOW! Get him 2 shots of the antibiotic! Nurse Allen…get the respirator stabilized! GET IT STABILIZED!”

AJ almost went crashing to the floor as Dr. Kent rushed passed him, running into the room and skidding to a halt next to Nick’s bed.
“His lungs are too inflamed! Cut the second medication!”
“Nothing’s changing!” Came Dr, Kent’s hurried answer, as he tugged out one line of fluids, administering another shot. “We’re loosing him! We’re loosing him! His airways are COMPLETELY blocked!”
“Cut OUT the third tube…get the new respirator tube in…GET IT IN!” Dr. Peterson yelled. “Come ON people…don’t let him go…get that new antibiotic in! Give him TWO…HURRY UP!”
All four men watched the scene in complete horror, their eyes wide, rooted to the spot as they watched everyone rush around the room, the beeping of Nick’s heart monitor speeding up to the point where Brian could barely make out the separate beeps.
“Oh shit…oh SHIT…” The rebel was hissing as they all stood in the doorway, unsure of what to do, what to think. “Shit…shit…SHIT…”
“BP is through the ROOF! HURRY IT UP! HE’S SLIPPING!” It happened before anyone could register it, the furious pacing of the heart monitor suddenly changed, a moment of silence followed by a long, low, flat pitched whine. Kevin felt his heart freeze in his chest, his body going numb. No…NO… “NO!” The oldest man screamed, his voice rising over the flat lining monitor.
“He can’t be…” Howie couldn’t finish his sentence, his body beginning to shake as he fell against the wall. “Oh God he can’t be…” AJ and Brian had gone stark white, both men rooted to their spot, their eyes wide. The latter of the two was shaking, his being trembling as he shook his head, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

A deafening silence fell over everyone as Dr. Peterson slowly clicked off the heart monitor, his face void of emotion. “Nurse Allen…note patient’s time of death…6:02am, July 9th.”
AJ almost collapsed at the words, his legs threatening to give out from under him as he grabbed the door to keep from falling over, his mouth dry. This couldn’t be happening. This had to be another nightmare. It had to be. Someone needed to wake him up. “God no…” He breathed, biting down on his lip in an effort to shake him back into reality. “No…”

“NO!” A loud, almost animalistic, scream fell away from Brian as he broke out of his stupor, running into the room, falling onto his knees next to the bed. “Nick! Nicky! Nicky answer me!” He shook the younger man’s shoulders harshly, tears falling down his cheeks, “Frack! NO! You CAN’T be GONE! NICK!” Brian shook his youngest friend again, a sob bursting out of him as he shook his head violently. “FRACK! Please….PLEASE…wake UP! Nicky…Nicky…PLEASE…”
“Brian-”
“No!” The Kentuckian shoved Dr. Peterson back as he attempted to pull him away, continuing to try and rouse his best friend. “Nicky wake up…please Frack…please wake up…PLEASE…dammit Nick…you CAN’T be GONE! You CAN’T be…”
AJ had turned away at the scene, his shoulders shaking as he broke, tears falling from his eyes as he covered his face. Howie had long since averted his gaze, crying softly as he wordlessly pulled AJ into a hug, allowing the younger man to cry into his shoulder. Kevin simply stared; watching his cousin continue to beg Nick to wake up as he allowed reality to wash over. His little brother was gone. One more person had been stolen from him. Tears pooled in his eyes and he blinked harshly, trying to hold them back. He needed to be strong for them. Pushing himself to move, he slowly entered the room, “Brian…” His voice was low and horse, grief running through him more deeply than he could ever imagine. “Bri...” He gently laid his hands on the younger man shoulders, pulling him back. He’s gone Bri…Nick’s gone...” A lump formed in his throat and he took in a ragged breath, trying to keep his eyes on the floor. “He’s gone Brian.”
“NO! He can’t be gone…he…he CAN’T!” Brian’s voice completely broke as he fell apart, hunching over as he sobbed.
“C’mon Bri…we...we should go…” Kevin pulled him to his feet, slowly trying to move him out of the room. They were halfway out, when Brian tore himself from Kevin’s grasp, running back over to the bed and grabbing Nick’s hand, his own hands shaking. Sapphire eyes stared at Nick’s form, willing him to move, to breathe, to come back. “Frack…” He choked out between his sobs, “I didn’t get to say goodbye…Kevin…I never got to say goodbye…”
The older man’s heart broke at the words and he simply ducked his head, emotion overwhelming him as he fell against the wall, sliding down it as he began to cry.

~~End flashback~~

Kevin paused to wipe a few fallen tears from his cheek, shaking his head,
“I didn’t get to tell him goodbye…none of us did.” His eyes roamed over Brian, Howie and AJ, all of them nodding slowly. “How do you sum up 13 years of love and friendship? How do you describe a dream come true? And how do you put into words, one of the biggest devastations of your life?” He slowly shook his head, “I was asked to deliver a speech today about someone who meant more to me than I could ever express…someone that never gave up. No matter how many punches life threw at him, he never gave up.”

It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

“Nick was the heart and soul of the Backstreet Boys, the one that kept us all going…that reminded us to never stop smiling. That was Nick. Always smiling.” A weak smile fell over Kevin’s face at the comment, “I can’t tell you how much I’ll miss that…how much I’ll miss him. I just wish…I wish I could have done more...”

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie

“I guess that’s the point to my speech here…I don’t have to remind you of what a great person Nicky was…he touched everyone in this room. I just wish I had done more.” The older man’s eyes finally fell to Nick’s casket, his heart shattering all over again as he fought to push down his emotions. “Maybe if I had, we wouldn’t be here today.” Stepping away from the podium, he paused by Nick’s coffin, looking down at his youngest friend mournfully, “I love you Nick…I’ll never, ever, forget you…”

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here*


*Lyrics by Sarah McLachlan, “Arms of an Angel”

~One week later~

He slowly opened his eyes, a grimace of annoyance flashing across his tired features as sunlight invaded his senses almost immediately. Groaning, he quickly rolled over, gazing around the empty room before allowing his eyes to settle on the bedside clock. A mumbled curse slipped from his grasp as he noticed the time, 3:07PM; he had slept away most of the day again. Did he even know what day it was that he had slept through? Brian shook his head at the silent question, pulling the comforters closer to his body as he curled himself up, trying to fall back into the arms of slumber. Sleep was his escape from reality; a world where Nick still existed and pain did not. It was a place he wasn’t ready to give up quite yet. The Kentuckian had almost drifted off when the sounds of heavy footsteps and muffled voices traveled through the room, causing his eyes to shoot open as he held his breath, listening intently.

“…don’t know what to do with him Kev.” Leighanne was saying softly and he heard the footsteps come to a halt right outside the bedroom door. “Howie and AJ have been here to talk to him but he barely acknowledged that they were here. He doesn’t really eat, hardly talks…he won’t even play with Baylee! It’s like Brian doesn’t see him when he’s right there. I mean, I know he’s still very upset but I’m starting to really worry about his behavior.”

“Nicky was his best friend Leigh,” His older cousin’s voice reached him sad and full of weariness. “You have to give him time to grieve.”
“I know Nick was his best friend.” She muttered and Brian could have sworn he detected a hint of resentfulness in her tone. “Everyone keeps telling me that. I’m not trying to belittle their relationship and I’m not saying he can’t grieve either. I just…I just don’t think this is the right way. He’s got to start actually dealing with the loss! Sleeping away reality isn’t going to change the fact that Nick is gone.” Leighanne paused and let out a deep breath, her voice growing soft, “I miss Bri, you know? It’s like he’s not even here.”

“Reality is really hard to deal with right now, I know.” Kevin agreed. “I’m sure Kris is reaching the short end of her stick with me. I haven’t exactly been the most chipper person.” A weak smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and he shrugged lightly. “There have been plenty of times I haven’t wanted to face the world; face the fact that Nicky really is gone.” Kevin heaved a large sigh, “It seems like every time I turn around, there’s something that reminds me of him. A video game, various places, the ocean, different phrases…it’s almost unbearable.”
“But you’re still here. You’re still dealing with it all.”
“As is Brian. Everyone deals with loss in their own way Leighanne.” He let out another breath. “I was just like Brian when my Dad died. I didn’t want to speak to anyone, go anywhere, see my family…nothing. I just wanted the world to stop and I wanted to be able to stay tucked in this little haven I had boxed myself into because it meant that I didn’t have to step into reality and see he was no longer there.”
“Well that’s what I’m trying to say isn’t healthy for him to-”
“You can’t tell someone how they should or should not be mourning.” The older man interrupted gently. “Bri’s way may not be the best but if it’s how he deals right now, just let him grieve.”
“But-”
“I’ll still talk to him like you wanted.”

Brian’s heart skipped a beat at the statement and he bit down on his lip, shaking his head against the pillow. He didn’t want to talk to Kevin. Didn’t want to speak to any of them. “There are some things I need to fill him in on anyhow.”
“Like Nick’s will?” Leighanne asked hesitantly. “I really tried to get him to go the reading…he didn’t even get out of bed at all yesterday.”
“I know you did.” He rubbed her shoulder gently, sending her a small smile. “Nick’s will, yes, and some other things.” At her questioning look he raked a hand through his hair, sighing mutely. “AJ, Howie and I have been talking about things and we feel, well,” A long pause filled the air and Brian frowned lightly, waiting for Kevin to continue. “We think, it’s, well,” Kevin sighed heavily, “We think it’s time to start cleaning out Nicky’s house.”
The younger man felt his stomach drop at the words, shutting his eyes roughly as he felt the familiar sting of tears begin.
“I…already? I mean, it’s only been about a week since…” She let her sentence trail off into silence for a moment. “What does his family think?”
“His parents won’t go anywhere near the place and it’s just too painful for the kids. They’re still so young, you know? It wouldn’t be fair to have them clean out his house.” Kevin answered slowly. “Besides, his folks were barely around throughout the whole ordeal, why the hell would they step in now?” Bitterness laced itself through his words and Kevin rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t really matter anyways I guess. Nick left specific instructions about wanting us to do it.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah.”
“I just…are you sure the timing is right at the moment? I mean…it’s just…a week? It’s still so fresh…”
“It’s still fresh for all of us Leigh,” He half laughed sadly. “I don’t think there’s ever going to be a right time to do this. But it’s something we need to do; something all fiv…all four of us need to do together.”

The mistake was quickly caught but Brian heard it loud and clear. Five. They were four Backstreet Boys now…but…were they even still the Backstreet Boys? A shake of his head once again accompanied the unspoken question. The group was over and done with as far as he was concerned. Backstreet meant five, not four. He couldn’t imagine recording a song or touring or performing on stage without Nick. A few tears slipped from his grasp, trailing quickly down his cheeks. God he missed him.

“…see if he’s awake first.” Brian’s attention snapped back to the conversation taking place outside his bedroom when he heard the doorknob turn, the door creaking open as Leighanne stuck her head in, a smile darting onto her face when she noticed he was awake. “Hey honey,” She greeted, slipping into the room and walking over to the bed. Brian sat up slowly, feeling a small amount of guilt wash over him as she sat down next to him, caressing his face gently. He really had been neglecting his family lately. “I’m glad to see you awake. How are you feeling?”
“Okay I guess.” Leighanne’s smile brightened and Brian felt the guilt inside him swell. “How are you?”
“I’m better now.” She leaned over and kissed him slowly, savoring the moment before pulling away. “Kevin’s here to talk to you.”

He nodded slowly, he head hanging slightly as he sighed. “I know…I heard you guys talking.” A startled look flashed across his wife’s features and Brian allowed a weak smile to decorate his own. “It’s okay.” He sighed once more, playing with Leighanne’s wedding ring as he spoke, his fingers intertwined with hers as he kept his eyes down. “I’m sorry baby…for not being here this past week. I just…god, I miss him so much…” Brian’s voice cracked as he spoke, “It’s just so hard…I keep thinking I’ll wake up and see him again…and knowing that I never will…” He shook his head and Leighanne gently brought his chin up, her heart breaking at the tears she saw pooled in his eyes. “Oh baby,” She breathed, “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“My behavior Leigh,” He continued, “I have responsibilities to you; to Baylee. I’m sorry I forgot that.”
“You also have responsibilities to yourself.” Leighanne murmured, “I know how much Nick meant to you and to have him die so suddenly like that....” She trailed off into silence as Brian winced at the words, nodding mutely. “Sweetie, I can’t even begin to understand how hard this truly is for you, but I’m here for you. If you want to scream or cry, or just sit in silence or reminisce; anything. I’m here for you.” The Kentuckian said nothing, simply pulling his wife into a hug as he held his tears back. She was so good to him. “I love you.” He whispered fiercely, praying the emotions he felt came across in the simple phrase. “I love you so much.” Leighanne smiled into his embrace, kissing him softly on the cheek before pulling back, her blue eyes meeting his own. “I love you too.” Rubbing his back she sighed mutely, “I think I should get Kevin though…I’m sure he’s getting impatient.” Brian simply rolled his eyes, a shrug emitting from his form. “I guess.” Leighanne slowly rose to her feet, gazing at her husband for a moment before nodding and walking from the room.

Brian could hear her speaking softly to Kevin before his older cousin entered the bedroom, nodding at him curtly. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Grabbing one of the arm chairs, Kevin quickly dragged it over towards the bed, sitting down heavily and leaning forward on his knees. “How’ve you been?” The younger man shrugged at the question, grabbing a shirt from the end of the bed and tugging it over his head. “Not so good, huh?”
“Of course not Kevin.” The statement had more malice in it than Brian had intended but he paid no attention his gaze hard as he spoke, the way Kevin had asked him…so nonchalant; it irked the younger man. “This week hasn’t exactly been all sunshine and roses.” The eldest allowed the sarcasm to pass for a moment, rolling his eyes briefly. “God, what a stupid question.”
“Grow up Bri.”
“Did you actually want something?” Brian snapped, his temper flaring almost at once, “Or are you just here to stir up shit and ask dumb questions?” Anger flashed through Kevin’s emerald gaze, and he straightened up in the chair, clenching his fists as he fought to control his temper.
“Look,” Kevin practically growled through clenched teeth, “I know this has been a hard week but you’re not the only one grieving for someone.” He took in a deep breath, “So don’t even try to spin it that way.”

“Go to hell Kevin.” Brian pushed the blankets off him in a huff, jumping to his feet as he made to move past his older cousin. “You don’t get it.”
“The hell I don’t! I’m not going to do this with you.” Kevin was on his feet in a flash, grabbing Brian’s arm and spinning him around so quickly that he nearly fell over.
“Let me go!”
“No.”
The younger Kentuckian struggled against the tight grip, anger and frustration hitting him as he tried to shove Kevin away. “Dammit Kevin! Let me the hell go!”
“Shut up Brian.”
“Let me g-”
“I said shut UP!” Kevin yelled, his face inches from Brian’s, his eyes blazing. “Now, you listen to me, listen very carefully,” He gave the youth a shake, “I’m NOT going to put up with you treating everyone like shit because you’re hurting. We’re ALL hurting. We all miss Nick and believe it or not, we all feel exactly like you. So grow the fuck UP and drop the goddamn attitude.” Kevin let Brian go, giving him a small shove in the process which caused him to fall back onto the bed with a low grunt.

Straightening up, he sighed, raking a through his hair as he cleared his throat, trying to simmer down. “Look, the reason I came to talk to you today, was to let you know that we’ve decided to start cleaning out Nick’s house.”
“No.”
“This isn’t up for debate.” Brian shook his head vehemently, his sapphire eyes narrowed. “Brian-”
“I won’t! I won’t do it. I don’t want to.”
“I’m not asking whether you want to or not,” The older man said lowly, “None of us want to do this. It’s something we have to do.”
“No.” The Kentuckian repeated, “It’s too soon.”
“Brian, this is going to be happening, like it or not.” Crossing his arms over his chest, Kevin slowly shook his head. “And it’s something you need to be a part of. Skipping out on the reading of Nick’s will was screwed up enough an-”
“This WHOLE thing is screwed up!” Brian exclaimed, throwing his hands up, “Are you freakin’ KIDDING me Kevin? I mean, dammit, this wasn’t supposed to BE like THIS!” His voice began to waver and he balled his fists, hitting the bed forcefully, “Nick wasn’t supposed to die…he wasn’t supposed to go yet! God…he just wasn’t…it’s not how it was supposed to be!”
“I know.” Kevin’s tone fell a few octaves, “I know.” A long sigh left him and he slowly sank back into the chair. “But the reality of the situation is that he’s gone Bri and no amount of avoidance is going to bring him back.” Green eyes sadly met blue and both men fell silent for a few minutes.
“It’ll make it so final.” The younger man finally whispered, “Cleaning out his place…it makes it so real.” A weak smile flashed across Kevin’s features and he nodded slowly. “I know.”
“What do Howie and AJ have to say about it?”
“Everyone’s in the same place Bri.” Kevin mumbled, “None of us want to do this but it’s not going to get easier. You know that. This is never going to be easy.”
“I just wish-”
“So do I.” He sighed again. “With everything I am, I wish things could be different.”

“When?”
“Tonight…we’re supposed to meet at his place at 6.”
Brian paled at the words, glancing at the clock. “Tonight?” He was rewarded with a quick nod. “Jesus Christ.”
“Do you want me to pick you up?”
“No…no…I’ll meet you guys there.” Kevin rose to his feet at the words, eyeing his cousin carefully. “I’ll be there Kev.” Brian affirmed, feeling his cousin’s gaze on him. “Okay. I’ll see you then.”
“Yeah, see you then.” He waited until he heard the door close before lying back on the bed, shutting his eyes roughly. “Jesus Christ.” Brian hissed again, his heart feeling as though it would burst from all the emotion running through him. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

~~~~~~~~~

A.J. drove immersed in silence, his nerves frayed, his thoughts running at such a furious pace he could barely comprehend them. A large, black coffee sat rapidly cooling in the cup holder before him, a pack of cigarettes tossed haphazardly onto the seat next to him lay untouched. Brown eyes focused intently on the familiar road, hidden expertly behind dark sunglasses; the urge to simply flip the car around and head as far away as possible from his destination washing over the rebel every few moments. Thunder boomed lowly in the distance and A.J. fought to roll his eyes. Of course it was going to start raining. “As if this day doesn’t suck enough on its own.” He muttered, shaking his head as he clenched the steering wheel tightly. “This fucking day, this fucking week.”

A long breath slipped from him and he brought a hand up, feeling around his goatee before redirecting his grip to the car. A.J. couldn’t recall a time when the simple idea of getting out of bed had been so unappealing. Even during his rehabilitation, with his system flushing out the toxins, all the while craving the drugs and alcohol, did he ever feel a pain this great. It plagued him constantly, every second, with every breath he took. A dull, numbing sensation that sat heavily on his heart. The worst had been during the funeral when he had had to walk up and see Nick in the coffin. A.J. shook his head at the memory, his body shuddering involuntarily. He had been sure his heart would have burst that day, emotions overwhelming him to a point where he could barely breathe.

But he had made it through. They all had. Broken, almost what looked to be beyond repair, they had stood together, the four of them, and said their goodbyes. The piercing wail of A.J.’s cell phone caused him to jump, a loud curse echoing in the quiet car as the vehicle swerved before he was able to regain control. Snatching up his phone, he glanced at it for a moment before flipping it open and bringing it to his ear. “McLean…hey….no, no I’m on my way…yeah…uh, about 5 minutes away actually…have you…not yet?” A groan left him and he turned the car slowly down a few streets as he spoke, “Well how come…what about Bri and Kev…did he talk…I haven’t spoken to any…no one has left yet?”

His expedition slowed to a halt outside the large gates and he rolled his window down, reaching out and punching in the code. “Awww, come ON man…how long is it gonna take…well no SHIT…I don’t want to be…INSIDE?! Oh HELL no… because… BECAUSE…because it’s fuckin’ CREEPY okay?”
A dark look passed over A.J.’s features as he scowled, driving up the path to the house,
“That’s not even funny Howard…no…not even a little…yes…yes I’m here…well FINE… just hurry the hell up…no…of course I’m gonna…just HURRY UP!” He disconnected the phone with a slew of choice wording, throwing it into the seat beside him as he turned the engine off, leaning back into his seat. Silence fell over him and he shifted uncomfortably, suddenly feeling the stuffiness of the car. “GodDAMNit.” A.J. hissed, yanking the car door open and grabbing his cell phone.

Hopping out of the car, he kicked the door shut, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he slowly made his way up to the front door. He stood there for a moment, rocking on the balls of his feet as he debated against his feelings, a shaky hand falling on the doorknob and twisting it swiftly. The sound of locks keeping predators out hit him and he frowned deeply, thinking for a second before stooping down and flipping the welcome mat over. A wry smile slid across the rebel’s features at how predictable Nick had been and he snatched up the key, quickly inserting it into the lock and pushing the door open.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you sure he’s gonna show up?” Howie was sighing as he watched Kevin direct the car down the slippery streets. “I mean, are you positive? I just don’t see why we didn’t take him.”
“Because it would have been worse.” Kevin supplied, switching on the windshield wipers as the rain began to fall harder. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a dubious expression skitter across the younger man’s face and let out a small breath. “Brian will show; he knows enough to know that the consequences will be dire if he doesn’t.”
“Maybe it is too soon to be doing this.” The Latino muttered, tugging at his seatbelt as he slouched down a bit in his seat. “I mean it has only been a week since Nicky…” He trailed off and shook his head. “Maybe everyone was right.”
“It’s not going to get any easier with time, D.” The older man said softly, glancing at his friend for a moment. “Not this.”
“I know,” Howie heaved a large breath, “This just seems to make everything so…”
“Final?”
“Yeah. So final.”
“Brian said the same thing earlier.”
“It’s true. I mean,” He shrugged, “I’m still waiting for him to show up at my door laughing his ass off at how good of a prank this all was.” A small smile graced Kevin’s features and he nodded, turning down a long street. “I still can’t believe he’s gone. That this is it, you know? This is our reality right now.”
“I know.”

“Things weren’t supposed to play out like this for us.” Anger colored Howie’s words and Kevin’s gaze jumped to him briefly, “I don’t understand, you know? After all the bullshit we went through…we were at our happy ending! We were right THERE…everything was getting better and then…” The sentence fell into silence, the sound of Howie’s fist hitting the armrest serving as the end to his statement. “It’s not fair.”
“Life never is.” The Latino rolled his eyes at the words, “But there’s a reason for everything.”
“The fortune cookie proverbs don’t work real well right now Kev.”
Kevin bit his lip harshly, his green eyes focused on the road. “I know it’s been a hard week for everyone and we’re all dealing in our own ways but damn Kevin, just because you can keep every single emotion under lock and key doesn’t mean we have to.”

A tense quiet fell over the two men for a few minutes, the only sound coming from the gentle purr of Kevin’s car. “Is that what you all think?” The eldest finally asked lowly, his eyes meeting Howie’s chocolate gaze momentarily. “That I have it all under control? That I’m dealing with Nick’s death all fine and dandy?”
“Listen, Kev, all I meant was that,” Howie paused and searched quickly for the words. “You have this way of dealing, where you shut everyone out. I mean, you don’t go as far as Brian and hole yourself up in your room but it’s almost the same thing. You spout all these poetic notions about loss and life and act like this should be cake.”
“I see.” The younger man looked over Kevin warily, almost as if he were waiting for him to explode. “I just lost my baby brother Howie.”
“As did all of us.”
“And you think I’m perfectly fine with that?”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all.” Exasperation flooded through Howie’s words and he turned slightly in his chair. “C’mon Kevin, you know what I mean.”
“That I can get over Nicky’s death just like that.” Kevin took a hand off the wheel and snapped his fingers for emphasis. “Right?” He shot a look to Howie who slowly shook his head. “No? Then what do you mean?” Kevin’s tone was so calm that it sent shivers down Howie’s spine. “I mean,” He took in a sharp breath before rushing the sentence out. “I mean you should REACT. Scream, yell, cry…do SOMETHING. I mean, Jesus Christ Kevin, I don’t think I’ve seen you cry since Nick actually died that morning at the hospital! You tell us we need to let our emotions out, deal with everything that’s going on but I’m not sure YOU’RE dealing with everything. Don’t you have a reaction to any of this? Anything?”

The silence that followed his statement was some of the thickest Howie had ever experienced, the car soon coming to a stop. Looking around, the Latino was shocked to find that they were sitting in front of Nick’s house, parked a few feet away from A.J.’s car. “Um…” Pulling the keys from the ignition, Kevin played with them for a moment before settling his hardened gaze on Howie, causing the younger man to swallow harshly. “Kev I-”
“Let me get something straight with you,” The older man began sharply, “If you haven’t seen me scream, if you haven’t seen me cry or yell, or break down it’s because if I do, I won’t be able to stop.” Howie was practically on top of the door’s window, Kevin having leaned forward with every word he was speaking. Howie was practically on top of the door’s window, Kevin having leaned forward with every word he was speaking. “Do you understand that? I WILL NOT STOP. Losing Nick has been one of the most devastating losses in my life and there hasn’t been a goddamn day that’s gone by that I haven’t wanted to just curl up into a ball and die.” He was jabbing a finger into the Latino’s chest now, his eyes blazing, “Don’t you dare tell me I’m not dealing with everything. You don’t even know the fucking HALF of it.” And with that, he was out of the car, striding up the walk way and towards the front door, leaving a stunned Howie in his wake.

The rebel stood in the quiet hallway, an eerie feeling washing over him as he closed the front door, erasing the house of the small amount of light that had managed to creep in. Taking in a small breath, he moved forward into the main room, removing his sunglasses and shoving them into his pocket as he reached for a tableside lamp, switching it on and casting a dim glow around the place. His chocolate colored gaze fell to the mantelpiece, numerous framed pictures decorating it. Shaking his head, he walked over to them, grabbing the closest one and looking at it sadly.

“You left way too soon buddy,” AJ whispered, brushing his thumb over the cool glass; Nick’s grinning face staring back at him. The youngest was squished in between Kevin and himself, Brian and Howie on opposite ends. Baylee sat caught in mid-giggle on Nick’s lap, Kevin’s arm looped around the pair. Sinking down onto the coffee table, he studied the picture, trying to recall when it had been taken. Happy memories seemed like such a long time ago. He recognized the scenery as the backyard at Brian’s house, a slight smile sliding across his face as the event clicked into place.

~~Flashback~~

“What’s taking them so long?” Brian questioned, opening up the BBQ and beginning to set the hamburgers down. “I mean, this was only a routine check up, yeah? They usually only take like half an hour; they’ve been gone for,” He trailed off and tossed the last patty on before looking at his watch. “Almost two hours.”

“I don’t know man.” AJ shrugged getting to his feet and stretching. Letting loose a yawn, he gave Brian a small pat on the back, leaning over and grabbing a can of soda from the cooler beside him. He popped it open, chugging half of it, smacking his lips as he wiped his arm across his mouth. “Mmmmm, root beer. Yummy yummy I got root beer in my tummy!” AJ did a little dance to accompany the song, spinning around in a circle as he rubbed his stomach.
“If only our fans knew what a child you were.” The Kentuckian sighed, closing the lid on the BBQ as he glanced over to where Baylee was sitting, petting Lil’ Tyke and playing with a large puzzle. “I’m sure they’d disown you, you dork.” He chuckled, smacking AJ lightly on the arm. “You’ll never grow up, will you?”
“Says the guy who still does Donald Duck voices on a regular basis.” The younger man muttered, draining the rest of his drink as he arched an eyebrow at his older friend. “With or without his son around.” Looking pointedly at Brian, he grinned as a light crimson spread across the Southerner’s face. “Uh huh. That’s what I thought.”

He sat the empty can down, banging lightly on his chest before letting out a loud, long burp. The sound sent Baylee into immediate hysterics with a gleeful squeal and a proud smile broke out onto AJ’s face as Brian simply rolled his eyes.“You are a horrible role model, Alexander.”
“Oh, puh-lease,” AJ sighed dramatically, walking over to Baylee and scooping him up.
“I kick donkey butt as a role model. Ain’t that right Bay?” He swung the toddler around a few times, before plopping him down, laughing lightly as Baylee let out a piercing shriek of joy as he nodded. “You want some chocolate buddy?” Squatting back down, AJ pulled a mini KitKat out of his pocket. “Yeah?”
“Choco!” Baylee yelled, jumping up and down. “Choco! Choco! Choco!” He held out his hands expectedly.
“Ohhhh no,” Brian was pulling the cover to the grill back open and he paused for a moment, waving a spatula threateningly in AJ’s direction. “No chocolate for him before dinner.”
“Awww loosen up Rok,” The rebel prodded, un-wrapping the candy bar and beginning to break part of it. “One little piece isn’t going to do anything.”
“Nuh-uh, not before dinner, it’ll get him too worked up.”
AJ let out a long sigh, looking at Baylee before glancing over his shoulder at Brian, who had turned around to arrange things on the table. “Here you go little man.” He quickly finished breaking the chocolate and handed it to Baylee, putting a finger on his lips. “Sssssh. Don’t tell Daddy, okay?” AJ put the rest of the candy bar into the little boy’s overall pocket, patting it gently. “Our little secret.”
“Secret.” Baylee repeated, shoving the piece of candy into his mouth with a wide smile.
“Uh-huuuhhh. Don’t tell your Daddy about the choco.” He gave the toddler a little shake, smiling as he began to laugh. “Will you tell? Hmmm?” AJ gently poked him a few times in the chest. “Hmmmmm?”
“No! No tell Daddy!” He laughed, mimicking AJ’s earlier actions and placing a finger over his mouth. “SSSHHH!”
“Right on buddy.” AJ stood back up, tousling the child’s curls before heading back over to the deck. Brian was adding hotdogs onto the grill, cheese now melting on most of the hamburgers.

The rebel had just taken his seat, another soda in hand, when Baylee came barreling over, halting as he hit his father’s legs. “DADDY!” He gave his dad a big hug at the knees, looking up at him expectedly.
“Yes?” Brian grinned, looking down at his son as he closed the lid and moved them both away from the BBQ. Bending down, he tickled Baylee lightly, a small frown darting across his features. “Whatcha have all over your face little B?”
A guilty expression crept up onto AJ’s features as Brian glanced at him and he swore softly.
“Choco!” Baylee screeched, pulling the KitKat from his pocket and waving it at Brian with a large grin. “Look Daddy! Uncle AJ give me choco!” He grabbed Brian’s face, covering his mouth, “Ssssshhh! No tell! No tell! Uncle AJ said no tell!” The older man nodded at Baylee before looking up and sending his friend an admonishing glare.
“Ahhhh, Bay,” The rebel chuckled, reaching forward and grabbing at the little boy. “I need to teach you what ‘secret’ means, you little traitor.”
Baylee let out a loud laugh, turning to cover AJ’s mouth. “Mmmffh. Yesh…secret meafs ssshhhh.” He pretended to bite the toddler’s fingers and Baylee fell back into Brian giggling happily. Fighting the urge to roll his eyes, Brian let an exasperated grin surface, settling for picking Baylee up instead. Tossing him in the air for a moment, he then sat the two of them down, grabbing a few napkins and proceeding to wipe the chocolate off Baylee’s face, his hands and his own face.

“Alright buddy, no more choco for you.” He took the rest of the candy bar out of Baylee’s pocket, throwing it onto the table. A pout immediately surfaced onto the child’s face and he shook his head at his father. “But daddy!” He protested, hitting Brian lightly on the chest. “My choco! Mine! I want!”
“You already had some chocolate Baylee, you can have more after dinner.” Brian set him back down and handed a few napkins to AJ.
“Buuuuuuttttt daaaaaadddddyyyyyyyyyyy…”
“I said no, Baylee.” The Southerner’s voice took on a firm tone as he looked sternly at the little boy and Baylee recognized it at once, crossing his arms over his chest and sending Brian his own little glare. “I want CHOCO!” He demanded, stamping his feet. “I WANT!” He gave Brian a small smack on the leg, “I WANT!”
“Baylee Thomas Wylee Littrell,” Brian began, “What have Mommy and I said about hitting people?” He wagged a finger at his son, “What do you say?”
“Sorry.”
“You can have more choco after you have dinner, alright? You just need to wait a little bit.” A thoughtful expression crossed over Baylee’s face at Brian’s softer tone and he frowned before he nodding slowly,
“Okay.”
“Why don’t you go see what Mommy is doing?” Brian gently gave him a pat on the butt, pushing him off towards the house. “Mommy’s in the kitchen.”
“Mommy will give me choco!” Baylee shrieked, running off the deck. “Mommy!!”

Brian sighed heavily, gritting his teeth as he shook his head.
“Ummm...oops?” AJ swiped the gooey mess off his face, tossing the napkin behind him as he clapped a hand on Brian’s shoulder, watching Baylee disappear into the kitchen. “But so harsh Rok! I mean, the poor kid just wanted some choco.” He stressed the last word, grinning as Brian glared at him again.
“Oh shut up.” Getting to his feet, the older man reached over, smacking AJ on the head with a ‘tsk’, his voice growing light and AJ immediately knew he was forgiven. “You’re like the freakin’ devil on my son’s shoulder. I told you not to give it to him.”
“Hey man, I don’t wanna be the mean uncle…I’ll save that job for Kevvy.” AJ rubbed his head innocently, a small smirk still on his face. “Besides, I recall a million times you gave Nick candy when Kevin or Jane said no.”
“That was totally different.”
“Giving candy to a baby is the same all the way around Rok.” A wicked cackle slipped from AJ and Brian couldn’t help but laugh at the statement, throwing his hands up as he half-nodded. “Anyhow, Nick is way worse with him than me.”

“Who is Nick way worse with?” Nick demanded as he caught the tail end of the comment, stepping out onto the deck with Kevin and Howie in tow.
He quirked an eyebrow at AJ, “Hmmm?”
“Being the devil on Bay’s shoulder. Brian said I was bad but you’re the king of mischief with that boy.”
“Oh.” The blonde shrugged lightly, a grin breaking out on his face. “Well duh.” He took a seat next to AJ, taking a deep breath. “But I learned from the best,” he shot Brian a look, “So Bri has no one to blame but himself if I corrupt his kid.”
Brian let out a snort at the reasoning, shaking his head as he yanked the BBQ open.
“That some screwed up logic Nicky.” Howie chuckled, plopping down next to AJ. “Food smells good Bri. Everything ready to go?”
“Not yet no.” He dumped some barbeque sauce on the burgers, turning the hot dogs around before glancing behind his shoulder and his friends. “What took so long anyhow?”
“Traffic mainly.” Kevin supplied, tossing a can of Pepsi to Howie and a Coke to Nick before grabbing a root beer for himself and taking a seat. “Some big pile up on the freeway, we were stuck there for almost an hour.”
“Yeah, the actual appointment was done within like 20 minutes.” The Latino added, grabbing a handful of chips and munching on them.

“Everything peachy-keen?”
“Well…Nick? Isn’t there something you want to tell them?” The eldest gave Nick a gentle shove, gesturing lightly. Both Brian and AJ fell silent at the statement, glancing from Nick, to Kevin, to Howie and back to Nick, their moods immediately growing somber.
“Something good…right?” Brian hesitantly asked, setting down his tongs and spatula as he turned to look at his youngest band-mate. “Frack?”
“Ahhhh,” Nick let out a long breath, “Okay, so the doctor said that I-” He stopped short as Baylee came running back out onto the deck, heading immediately over to him. “Hey mini B!” He grabbed Baylee with a laugh, “How’s my favorite godson?” Brian sent a questioning look to Kevin at Nick’s lapse in attention, frowning when he got a shrug in return. “Huh? How’s it goin?”
“Good, good.” Baylee sing-songed, gurgling happily as Nick sat him down on his lap.
“Uncle AJ give me choco but Daddy took away.”
“Aww, Daddy was a meanie head, huh? Meanie head Daddy.” Brian let out a loud groan as Baylee’s entire face lit up at the phrase, beginning to nod enthusiastically and Kevin slapped Nick on the shoulder, shaking his head in exasperation. Howie simply laughed as AJ rolled his eyes at the entire scene, smiling lightly.
“Meeeeaaaannniiiie head! Yeah! Daddy was a meanie head!” He turned to stare at his father, smiling brightly. “You meanie head Daddy! ‘Ncle Nicky say so.”
“That’s gonna stick Bri.” Kevin whispered amusingly, “Sucks for you and Leigh.” Rubbing his forehead, Brian nodded painfully slow, “I know, I know.” He moaned, “Thanks a lot Carter.” Nick laughed, grinning evilly, slowly rocking Baylee back and forth as he chanted ‘daddy is a meanie head’ in-sync with the toddler.

“Yo…doofus! Weren’t you about to tell us something important?” AJ gave him a quick kick in the leg, and the younger man nodded, continuing on with his chanting for another few seconds. “Well? You gonna spill it?”
“Yessssss I am!” Nick clapped Baylee’s hands together a few times, his mantra coming to a sudden halt. “Sooooo, the doctor said that as of right now, I am…” He trailed off and drummed the little boy’s hands against his knees for effect, “completely….” More drumming followed, “and totally….” Holding Baylee’s arms up triumphantly, he waved them wildly and glanced at each of his friend’s before continuing. “cancer FREE!”
AJ let out a loud whoop at the news, jumping up and whipping his sunglasses off his face. “That’s AWESOME!” The rebel yelled, swinging Baylee up and onto Kevin’s lap before pulling Nick to his feet and into a huge hug. “Fucking awesome Kaos.” He grinned, thumping the younger man on the back. Pulling away for a moment, he grinned at Nick, shaking him, “I KNEW you would beat this. Damn, I fucking knew it! YES!! Ahhhh!” AJ yanked him into another hug, the blonde chuckling.

“For real? It’s totally gone?” Brian’s blue eyes were as wide as they could go as he looked over at Kevin who was bouncing Baylee up and down, nodding as he smiled. “He still has to go for check ups and one or two more treatments but yeah,” Kevin’s emerald gaze sparkled with sheer joy and relief as he glanced at his cousin, “It’s gone Bri.”
The younger Kentuckian let a huge grin appear on his face, walking over and practically yanking Nick out of AJ’s hug and into one of his own.
“I’m SO proud of you Frack!” Brian mumbled into Nick’s ear, hugging him tightly.
“Be proud of the cancer treatments,” Nick laughed, “I didn’t do anything.”
“You fought Nick! You went through all that bullshit and didn’t give up.” Taking a step back, he met Nick’s gaze, rubbing his shoulders lightly. “We made it man; we made it to our happy ending.” A smirk tugged at the corners of Nick’s mouth and he shook his head, giving Brian a playful push. “You’re such a cornball Bri.” The older man rolled his eyes, grabbing Nick into another quick hug. “Punk.”

“Alright, alright allllriiiiiight!” AJ called, standing up on the picnic table and grabbing everyone’s attention. Root beer in hand, he looked at each one of his band-mates as he cleared his throat. “I think we all agree, this calls for a toast and one hell of a celebration.” Gesturing for everyone to grab a drink, he cupped a hand to his mouth, “LADIES! LAAAAADIIIIES, COULD YOU JOIN US PLEASE?” He hollered, watching as Kristin and Leighanne made their way outside a moment later.
“You bellowed?”
“Why are you standing on my table AJ?” Leighanne frowned, placing her hands on her hip as she shot the younger man a small glare.
“Becaaaaauuuuuuuseeee, we have some FANTASTIC news.” The two wives simply stared at him and he cackled. “Nickers? Steal the show my man!”

“What bonehead here is trying to get across,” Nick sighed, rolling his eyes at his older friend’s actions. “Is that I just found out today that all my tumors are gone.” He threw his hands out and smiled, “No more cancer!”
“Oh Nick that’s wonderful!” Kristin gushed, immediately rushing forward to hug him, followed quickly by Leighanne. “Congratulations sweetheart!”
“That’s fantastic hun.” Brian’s wife looked over at AJ again after stepping away from Nick. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re on my table though.”
“I called for a toast.” The rebel said simply. “So c’mon, c’mon!. Grab a soda, grab a beer, grab some juice for Bay and hold it up, hold it UP!”
“You’re insane.” Kristin giggled, nodding a thank you at Brian as he passed the two women drinks.
“Always baby.” AJ winked at her and Kevin smacked him in the knee, rising to his feet and placing Baylee on his shoulders. “Stop hitting on my wife McLean.”
“Not hitting on required. I already got her hooked,” He wiggled his eyebrows at Kristin and she cracked up, ”Right sweetie?”
Kevin discreetly flipped him off and his grin widened. “Seriously though, Nick,” His gaze fell on the younger man and he tipped his soda can towards him, “It’s been one HELL of a year and um, we’ve definitely had our ups and downs. But for real, I couldn’t be more proud of you.” Raising the drink, he nodded as everyone followed his motions, “To Nick. For kicking cancer in the butt and making it through like we all knew he would.”
AJ let out another yell, “You did it kid!”
“Amen to that!” Brian nodded, taking a sip of his drink along with everyone else.

“Speech!” The rebel urged, jumping down from the table, “Speech!” The youngest grinned as everyone cheered and he gave AJ a shove before turning and facing everyone, clearing his throat softly. “Ummm,” He let out a nervous laugh. “I don’t know what to say…uhh,” Nick’s eyes fell to the ground and he shifted his weight nervously. “Thank you.” He finally got out, looking back up and sending smiles to everyone watching him. “I know I never would have made it through without you guys. Any of you. It feels so damn good to say that I’m healthy again,” Shaking his head, he shrugged, “I’m back!” He concluded.
“Alright!” Laughter broke out in the group at Brian’s trademark phrase, Kristin running into the house and re-emerging with her digital camera. “Okay boys, we need a picture to commemorate this happy event.” She motioned for Kevin to sit down next to Nick and the older man did so, grabbing Baylee and placing him back onto Nick’s lap. “Crowd in!” She handed the camera to Leighanne, “Come on guys! Act like you know each other!” The eldest let out a loud laugh, throwing an arm around Nick and leaning in. AJ fell into his original seat, Howie moving to sit beside him and Brian next to Kevin.
“Smile guys…on three, say che-”
“Happy ending.” Nick interrupted, glancing at Brian who grinned back at him,
“Alright. On three then,” Leighanne readied the camera, “One…two…” Howie looped and arm around AJ as Brian leaned into Kevin’s shoulder. Nick tickled Baylee, causing him to burst into giggles, “Big smiles annnnnnd…..THREE!” She snapped the picture, “Perfect!”

~~End flashback~~

AJ broke out of his thoughts as a clock began to chime, the monotone rings echoing in the silent home. Sighing softly, he rose to his feet, placing the picture back on the mantle and making a mental note to copy it; it was the last one they had taken together. He bit his lip at the thought, a familiar sinking sensation pooling in the pit of his stomach.

“So much for that happy ending.” He muttered, glancing at his watch as he walked towards the large front windows. Pushing the curtains aside, he peeked out, making a face at the pouring rain. “C’mon fellas…you said six…” Nothing but the sounds of the heavy downpour met his statement and he made a quiet ‘tsk’ noise, glancing up at the dark, gray clouds. “You’re trying to make this day more depressing, aren’t you?” A bolt of lightening streaked across the sky a moment later and AJ shook his head, rolling his eyes. “I’ll take that as a yes.” His attention stayed focused on the rain for a few minutes, his body leaning heavily on the windowsill, the glass directly in front of him fogging up with every breath he released.

A flickering motion he caught out of the corner of his eye pulled him back to reality and he turned, staring at the solitary lit lamp, his jaw clenching shut as it flickered twice more before plunging the room into darkness. Reaching over, he felt along the wall, his hand falling onto the light plate and he flipped the switches up and down, a scowl breaking onto his face as the room remained dark. “Ooooohhhh….COME ON!” He stomped a foot in pure frustration, yanking his cell phone out of his pocket and hitting a random key. Shining the dull light around, he squinted through the darkness, heading for the kitchen. “Candles, flashlight, candles, flashlight…you gotta have something Kaos…” Tugging open a few drawers, he rummaged through them, his cursing growing more obscene each time he came away empty handed.

He was in the middle of looking through the 4th drawer when a loud ‘thud’ resounded through the house and AJ’s head shot up in surprise, his heart skipping a beat. The rebel threw the weak beam of light at the ceiling when the noise sounded again, staring at the floor above him before slamming the drawer. “What THE fuck?” He hissed, making his way towards the staircase and running up the stairs two at a time. AJ came to a halt as he reached the top, glancing left, then right before cussing under his breath and picking a direction. “This day just keeps getting better and better.” He growled, rocking the cell phone back and forth in an effort to see through the darkness. “Helllloooo?” He called out into the empty hallway. “Kev? D? Bri? Fellas? Annnny one here?” A loud crash caused him to jump and he pinpointed the noise, spinning around and coming to stand in front of a door he recognized as Nick’s bedroom door. “Guys?” His voice fell very soft and he paused hesitantly, licking his lips, “Nick?” He breathed out, almost laughing at once at his own stupidity. “I’m going insane! Completely insane!” AJ sighed, “What the fuck am I expecting? Nick’s fucking ghost? Just open the door McLean, just open the goddamn door.” He was about to do just that when the door was tugged open, a figure instantly crashing into him with a force that knocked AJ to the floor, his cell phone sliding out of his hand and clattering to the ground. “OooommmmppphhhtheFUCK?” His eyes snapped to the side as someone fell half on top, half beside him with a grunt, breathing heavily. “Christ…” Was spit out in between gasps and the younger man recognized the southern twang at once, rolling his eyes. “Oh…for the love of…” AJ muttered, “Brian?” He groped for his phone, unable to move as Brian lay covering his lower half. Twisting around, he attempted to scoot out from under his older friend, failing miserably. “Man, get off me!”
“AJ?” The Kentuckian quickly pushed himself up, “Where are you…when did…I mean…why are…how…” He paused and took a deep breath, letting out slowly, “What fell?”Brian finally asked softly and AJ could hear him patting the ground in an effort to help him find his phone.
“My phone…shit, I can’t see a goddamn thing…”
“Hang on…I think I found it…” A bright light hit the rebel in the eyes a second later and he bought a hand up to shield his face, swearing loudly. “Ooops, sorry man.” An apologetic expression crept over Brian’s face and he handed the phone back to AJ, getting to his feet before extending a hand down and tugging the younger man up. “Jeeze you scared me.”

“Has it always been this fucking dark in this house?” AJ demanded in reply, brushing his clothes off with a huff. “I mean, dammit, I can’t see shit.”
“I don’t know.” The older man admitted with a sigh. “I can’t remember the last time I was here at night.” Thunder boomed in the distance and Brian frowned, “Or during a storm for that matter.”
“What are you doing here, anyhow?”
“I thought we were all supposed to come tonight.”
“You know what I mean.” AJ muttered, gesturing around him. “What are you doing up here? And by yourself? I thought you were coming with Kevin.”
“I think Howie’s coming with Kev.” Brian offered with a small shrug. “Umm, I told Kevin I’d get here on my own.” He sighed again, “No one else is here then?”
“Noooo, I thought I was the first one here.” AJ gave his older friend a look, crossing his arms over his chest and pointing his cell upwards so it illuminated both men’s faces. “Where’d you park? I didn’t see your car out front and how long have you been here? Didn’t you hear me come in? And why, actually, are you up here in Nick’s room? I thought we were gonna go through everything together…what are you doing? Why didn’t you call and tell someone you were here?”
“What the heck is this? Twenty questions?” A light scowl broke out onto Brian’s face and he rolled his eyes as AJ simply shrugged. “Alright, uhhh,” He threw a hand up, “I didn’t park anywhere because Leigh dropped me off, and I’ve been here for about…what time is it?” AJ tipped the phone in his direction. “6:27? Um, so I’ve been here for about 45 minutes or so. I got here early because I just felt like being here alone.”
“Beccccccaaaaaauusssseee?”
“You do know you’re being an ass right now, right?”
“Sure. Answer the question.”
“This isn’t an interrogation process, AJ.” The Kentuckian muttered, shaking his head before continuing a moment later. “God, I don’t know. I just wanted to BE here…just walk around and…I don’t know…remember…things…” His statement wavered and fell into silence and AJ bit back a sigh.

“Well,” He nodded, “Yeah, okay but what was all that noise about? You fall or something?”
“I was sitting in his room when the power went off an-”
“I figured as much.” AJ interrupted, gesturing effortlessly to the open door, as he rolled his eyes and Brian frowned deeply. “Sorry, sorry, go on.”
“Anyways, he’s got stuff all over the place in there,” The older man jerked his head in the direction of the room, moving back and kicking the door open. Stepping forward, the rebel glanced inside, waving the phone around as he narrowed his eyes. “Pictures.” Brian supplied, looking over his shoulder. “Photo albums, Backstreet memorabilia, drawings…tons and tons of pictures. I don’t know what he was doing with all of it. He ever mention it to you?”
“No,” AJ shook his head, “Don’t know anything about that.”
“Well, it’s scattered all over the place…on the floor, the bed, all over the desks…it’s total chaos in there. I was looking through them when the power went out and then I heard someone yell-”
“That was me.”
“I figured as much.” Brian shot at him, mimicking AJ’s tone and the rebel smirked, “Touchè.”
“Anyhow, I couldn’t see anything so I tripped over like half the crap trying to get to the door. I knocked over a few boxes of things too.” A small laugh fell out of AJ against his will and he grinned lightly, before pulling the door shut and turning to face his friend.
“Why didn’t you just use your phone?” He waved his own cell phone for emphasis and was rewarded with a large roll of Brian’s eyes. “You don’t think I thought of that?”
“Welllll, considering the fact that you fell every other step…I’d venture to say no.”
“I don’t have it with me Einstein.” Brian snapped in exasperation, running a hand through his hair. “For god’s sake AJ.”
“Why didn’t you just use the landline?” A frustrated look passed over Brian’s face and AJ sighed, “I’m just wondering, that’s all dude.”
“Because Kevin cut off the phone service a few days after Nick…” He stopped and took in a deep breath, “He was afraid the fans would swamp the phone line leaving messages or something.”
“Oh.”
“Any more questions?”
“Naw, I’m good for now.” Brian had to resist the urge to smack the younger man, settling for simply glaring at him, a gaze which AJ chose to ignore for a few minutes before letting out a hollow laugh. “Stop looking at me like that Rok.” The rebel cocked an eyebrow at his older friend, “You woulda asked me the same type of shit.”
“Hmmph.”
“You know you would have.” Brown eyes swept up and down the hallway as silence fell over the two men and AJ let lose a long breath of air, “Where do you thi-”

“AJ?!” Kevin’s yell came thundering through the hallways and both men jumped as the door slammed shut. “Where the hell are you? AJ!! Howie and I saw your car out front…and what the HELL is going on with these lights?! AJ!!” A low whistle left AJ and he frowned,
“Man, Kevin sounds heated.” Brian nodded in agreement, a nervous look passing across his face before disappearing a moment later. Sighing mutely, AJ clapped his hands together; momentarily extinguishing the light as he cell phone was covered. “Well, looks like the gang’s all here.”
“Not really.” A pained expression colored the younger man’s face at the implication and he dropped his gaze down, shifting on his feet. “I just meant t-”
“I know what you meant.” The sound of Kevin yelling again snapped both men back to attention and AJ cleared his throat a few times. “We um, we should head back down before Kev has an aneurysm or something.” He joked lamely, expecting the blank look he received from Brian. “Yeah…” heading back down the hallway, AJ could hear Brian shuffling slowly behind him, the older man’s head down. The duo quickly descended the stairs to find Kevin standing bu the front door, his attention focused on the light switch as he flipped it up and down, muttering under his breath, cell phone in hand. “The storm totally knocked all the power out dude.” Kevin jumped at the voice, almost dropping his cell phone as he whirled around, staring at Brian and AJ in surprise.
“Where’s Howie?”
“Here.” The Latino answered, his words slightly drowned out by the sounds of wind and pouring rain as he slipped inside, his jacket dripping wet. “It’s really coming down out there.” He ran a hand through his wet hair, trying to to shake off some of the water. “You think this weather is a sign or something?” Shrugging off his coat, he glanced around the room, “Hey Jay…hey Bri. When’d you get here? I didn’t even see your car.”
“Awhile ago.” AJ answered, moving to give the two older men a quick hug, Brian following suit.
“What he said and I didn’t drive; Leigh dropped me off.”

“What were you guys doing upstairs?” Kevin slowly put his phone away, eyeing the pair as he shot a look at the staircase before directing it back to AJ and Brian. “I thought we were going to wait until everyone was here to start things.”
“Hey man, I didn’t go through anything except a few of the kitchen drawers to find a freakin’ flashlight.” AJ sighed, putting his hands up innocently.
“You find one?”
“Oh yeah Kev, but I decided the blue glow from my cell phone was prettier, so I left the flashlight in the drawer.” The rebel rolled his eyes. “No, I didn’t find one.” A scowl passed over Kevin’s face and he took in a deep, measured breath. “What the hell do you think we could have been doing anyways?”
“Who are you to ask that?” Brian demanded, coming to stand next to AJ, “You asked me the same kinda crap when you found me upstairs!”
“You were upstairs alone?” Kevin’s attention immediately jumped to Brian, “Why? What were you doing?”
“What the…what is the upper level of this house accessible only to the chosen few or something?” The younger Kentuckian practically growled, throwing his hands up in complete frustration. “For heaven’s sake, you guys act like I’m some sort of criminal or something. Yes, I was upstairs by myself. And before things get blown even more out of proportion, no Kevin, I didn’t go through anything.”
“What about you?” Kevin nodded towards the youngest man, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Didn’t I just say I went through nothing?” AJ huffed. “Look, I got here and was waiting for you guys to show up. I didn’t know Brian was here and when the power went out, I heard a bunch of noise, so I ran upstairs to check it out and found Rok.”
“And I got here early because I wanted some alone time. I didn’t call because I left my cell in Leigh’s car and Kev, you cut the phone lines a few days ago.” He motioned towards his older cousin. “I was sitting in Nick’s room, looking at some pictures when the power went out and while I was trying to get out of the room, I tripped over a bunch of crap before running, literally, into AJ.”
“Tripped over what?” Howie questioned, currently in the process of trying to find a place to lay his wet coat. Seeing none, he simply laid it on the floor in front of the door, stepping around it and sending a confused look to Brian. “Was it messy in there?”
“Kinda. He has a bunch of memorabilia out and all over the place. I don’t know what it was for.”
“Any idea Bone?”
“Nope. Brian already asked me,” AJ shrugged and Howie. “Nick never mentioned anything that had to do with pictures and old clippings and what not.”

“Alright, well,” The eldest sighed and ran a hand over his mouth, glancing around the room. “We’ll worry about that stuff later, right now, we need to figure out what the hell we’re gonna do since the goddamn power is out.”
“Are we staying?”
“I don’t know,” Kevin fell against the wall with a small groan. “What do you guys wanna do?”
“I don’t think it makes much sense to go home.” AJ admitted after a moment of silence. “I mean, yeah, being here in general and then with the power out, is rather, well…”
“Creepy?” Howie filled in, grinning as AJ shot him the finger before considering the word and nodding slowly. “Basically but um, we all came here for a reason and, I dunno, maybe we can start with something small; like emptying out the bookshelves or whatever, you know?” Brian made a strangled noise at the suggestion and AJ’s gaze jumped to stare at him. “Look, I’m no more excited about doing this than you are but I’d rather just fucking start now then have to come back and start some other time.”
“AJ’s got a point.” Howie nodded. “I mean, I think the hardest thin was getting here to start.” He earned a snort of disbelief from Brian and the Latino rolled his eyes. “Bri, c’mon, this situation sucks all the way around, okay? We all get that but your attitude really isn’t helping things right now. Do you think any of us really want to do this? Quit acting like you’re the only one who’s against it.”
“Sorry.” Brian mumbled a second later, rocking back on the balls of his feet. “It just…” He trailed off and shook his head, “I hate this.”
“Join the club.” AJ heaved a sigh. “We’ve got jackets.” He clapped Brian on the back, rubbing the older man’s shoulder and getting a small smile in response.

“So we’re staying then?” Kevin confirmed, looking around at his friends, who nodded quickly. “Okay, um,” He glanced at AJ and Howie’s illuminated cell phones and frowned, “I think the first thing to do is find some flashlights or candles. Did you check all the drawers in the kitchen?” He gestured lightly to AJ, who shook his head. “Naw, I only checked a few of them.”
“I think Nicky kept the flashlights under the sink.” Brian offered softly, glancing towards the kitchen then back at the floor. “I can go check.”
“Under the sink?” The rebel repeated incredulously, “Who the hell keeps flashlights under the sink?” Brian just shrugged, heading to the kitchen with AJ trailing behind him. “I mean, under the sink? That doesn’t even make any freakin’ sense…”

Howie watched the two younger men disappear before sucking in some air and turning to face his eldest friend. “Listen, about what happened in the car, Kev, I-”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Look, I’m sorry about what I said, okay?” Howie pressed. “I was out of line an-”
“Please,” Kevin held up a hand to silence him, his green eyes roaming around the darkened living room as he pushed himself away from the wall. “It’s over and done with so let’s just drop it.”
“But I-”
“Seriously Howie,” He met his friend’s eyes sternly, “Enough.” The younger man met his stare, his brown eyes just as firm,
“Seriously Kevin,” The Latino mimicked, letting a small smile grace his features. “Would you just let me apologize? Jeeze.” The older man couldn’t help the small grin that appeared on his face and he ducked his head in an effort to hide it, motioning for Howie to continue on.
“If you must.”
“God you can be such a smart ass.”
“Is that part of your apology?” Kevin raised an eyebrow at his band-mate and a chuckle left Howie as he shook his head. “You’re unbelievable.” Howie muttered lightly. “Anyways, the thing is Kev, all I wanted to say was that I was sorry I pushed you and crossed the line. I should know better by now.” Kevin’s eyes fell to the floor and he raked his hands through his hair, tugging on it gently.
“We’re all dealing in our own ways, D.” He finally said, glancing back at his friend. “Including me…I don’t want you guys thinking I’m not hurting.”
“We don’t doubt you’re hurting Kev. It’s just that sometimes,” The younger man paused and sighed, “Sometimes, it’s just frustrating when someone doesn’t really show what their feelings are. We want…we need…to go through this together and if you have this mask on all the time,” He shrugged, “It’s hard to see that you’re on the same level as the rest of us. I know you like being the rock of the group but this is one of those times that you gotta suffer with us, not in silence or just alone at home…we all lost our brother Kevin, and it’s us healing together that’s gonna get us through it. You know?” The sounds of AJ and Brian rummaging around in the next room floated into the entryway as Kevin stayed silent for a moment and Howie shifted his stance in uncertainty, waiting for a response.

“You want to know why I don’t like talking about it?” The older man said after a long sigh. “Honestly? I mean, since it seems to everyone that I don’t give a shit, I’ll tell you know, okay?”
“Sure,” Howie nodded slowly, his tone cautious. “Why?”
“Because I’m so angry about it Howie,” Kevin began lowly, turning on his heel and heading for the living room, the Latino hurrying to follow suit. “I’m SO goddamn angry that things ended the way they did.” He started to pace back and forth in front of the fireplace and Howie watched him nervously, unsure if he liked the direction Kevin was heading. “Nick…Nick being diagnosed with cancer…I could handle. The treatments? I could handle those too. My dad dying, you know, I finally understood and came to peace with it. AJ’s addictions we overcame, Brian’s heart we fixed, every fucking obstacle that’s been thrown our way we’ve beat! But this? To get him into remission then just lose him like that?” A feeble laugh escaped Kevin and he snatched up a picture from the mantle, looking at it angrily. “THIS was how things were supposed to be.” He waved the picture from Brian’s BBQ in Howie’s direction, “THIS.”
“Kevin…I-” The younger man tried, attempting to calm Kevin down before things got out of hand.
“Not this!” Kevin cried, throwing his arms out and glancing around as he ignored Howie. “Not Nick dying, not us planning his fucking funeral, not burying him, not ending the GREATEST thing to happen to all of us because it’s just NOT going to be the same!” His tone rose with each word, the sentence shaking as rage raced through him. “Not us fucking cleaning out his house because he’s fucking DEAD!” An angry growl left him, “HE’S FUCKING DEAD!” Before Howie knew what was happening, Kevin had swept his arm across the mantle piece, sending numerous pictures crashing to the ground, Howie jumping at the sound. “This is NEVER going to be us EVER again!” He shook the frame, taking a step forward and the Latino actually stumbled back a step.
“Please, Kevin just ca-”
“And do you know WHY?!” He didn’t give Howie a chance to answer, an animalistic scream leaving him. “BECAUSE…NICK…IS….DEAD!” Kevin roared, sending the picture he had been holding sailing past Howie’s head and into the next room where it hit the wall with an earth shattering crash, a startled,

“What the FUCK?!” Accompanied by hurried footsteps sounding a moment later as Brian and AJ raced into the room, flashlights in hand, their eyes wide. “What the hell is going on in here?” AJ demanded, looking back and forth between the mess on the floor and the two men before him. “Who…who did that?!” He jabbed a finger at the broken frames and glass littering the floor, “And who the FUCK threw the fucking picture out there?!” Howie simply stared, slowly shaking his head at AJ and Brian as Kevin stood rooted to his spot, his chest heaving before he let out a few choice words. “I can’t deal with this tonight.” He spat, moving to shove past the trio as he stormed out of the room.
“Wait…Kevin!” Brian yelled, snapping out of his shock and running after his older cousin. “Kevin! Kevin wait!” He caught him as he was tugging the front door open, sliding in front of Kevin and pushing it shut. “Stop…where are you going? What happened?”
“Nothing. Get out of my way.” Kevin’s fists were clenched at his sides, his breathing heavy as he glared at Brian. “Move.”
“No! Where the hell are you going?” Brian demanded, unmoving as he met Kevin’s angry gaze, his blue eyes blazing. “Tell me what the hell happened in there!”
“Nothing.” He shoved Brian to the side, yanking the door open, “I’m done for tonight.” The younger Kentuckian shook his head angrily, scrambling back in front of him and forcing the door closed again. “Excuse me? You’re done for tonight?” A scowl surfaced on Brian’s face and he shook his head again. “Oooohhhhh no. YOU guys,” He motioned to Kevin and then to Howie and AJ, who stood behind him watching with rapt attention. “Wanted to start all this tonight. You’re not going anywhere…we stay, you stay.” A frustrated yell left Kevin, “Dammit, I said MOVE!” He hollered, slamming a hand into the door, inches away from Brian’s head. The younger man barely flinched, gritting his teeth and giving Kevin a hard shove back. “And I said NO!”
“Brian-”
“NO!” Brian screamed, his temper rising as he gave him another shove, nearly sending him crashing into AJ who jumped out of the way. “You’re NOT leaving! YOU wanted me to do this tonight…YOU guys wanted to start it all and I’ll be damned if after that crap lecture you gave me this afternoon, you turn around and freakin’ walk out on us!” He looked the older man up and down, “I TOLD you I didn’t want to do this, I TOLD you it was too early, but nooo, Kevin decided it was time, so the rest of us had to follow suit, freakin’ ready or not. Everything HAS to work on your damn schedule!”
“Brian, I’m warning you,” Kevin hissed, “Back the HELL off and just let me leave.”
“NO! I’m SICK and TIRED of you flicking your emotions on and off whenever it’s convenient to you! YOU practically forced me to come here and suffer through this goddamn hell so don’t you DARE think you can just up and leave on whatever whim you see fit!” He jabbed a finger into Kevin’s chest, “Whatever the hell is eating you up is eating ALL of us up Kevin! Ring any bells?! YOU’RE the one who told me that we’re ALL going through the same DAMN thin-”
“It was BULLSHIT! You don’t know what the fuck I’m going through!” Kevin shot back, pushing Brian’s hands off him. “NONE of you have a FUCKING CLUE!”

“What are you talking about, man?!” AJ cried, throwing a hand up in exasperation. “God, this is RIDICULOUS! We keep coming back to the same damn arguments!”
“Alright, look, just look,” Howie cut in, shooting a look at the two cousins before directing his gaze to AJ. “This is getting way out of hand.” He took a deep breath, “Kev…please…just, just tell us what you mean.” His brown eyes flickered to the older man’s form, “We all say we’re going through the same kind of pain right now in one way or another, why are you so different?” Shaking his head, Kevin moved away from the door, sitting down heavily at the bottom of the staircase, his head in his hands. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Christ almighty…you SEE?!” Brian practically screeched, “Dammit, this is EXACTLY what I me-”
“Why don’t you just try us man?” AJ suggested, cutting Brian off with an angry glare. “C’mon Train, tell us what’s up.”
“I…” The eldest ran a hand through his hair, “You know what?” He looked at each of them, “I don’t want to talk about it…you guys just wouldn’t get it. You couldn’t even begin to understand.” Both Brian and Howie opened their mouths to immediately comment, AJ waving them silent. “Oh, okay,” The rebel nodded, his temper slowly beginning to rise. “I get it, so you don’t think we could possibly be feeling what you’re feeling, is that right?” He shrugged, “Because, we…we just don’t have the same demons to deal with as you do. Am I right?”
“AJ-”
“No, no, no, no,” AJ tugged on his cap, adjusting it quickly. “No, I get it. I mean, how could we, how could I, possibly understand what you’re going through with this whole thing?” He turned in a small semi-circle, “I mean, shit, Howie lost his sister but wait…that’s has no relevance to this, right? And…and Brian, you know, Rok almost died himself but oh…oh, no, no, I forgot, that doesn’t tie into this, yeah?” A sarcastic laugh left him and he pounded lightly on his chest, “And then there’s me.”
“Knock it off AJ.” Kevin sighed, “Point taken.”
“Me.” AJ continued, whipping his hat off and taking a quick bow before smashing his hat back on his head. “The rebel of the group. The one that went to rehab…ahh, now that’s always a catchy headline but that’s not the point.” A large smile graced his features and he took a step towards Kevin, “The point is, how could I, even begin to imagine the pain you have to go through Kev? I mean, shit, all I did was take care of the kid.”
“Jay, why don’t you just drop this?” Howie suggested softly, earning a small shake of AJ’s head in response.
“All I did was take care of Nick.” He sighed dramatically, “Watch him hit his lowest point, watch him cry himself to sleep, listen to him beg God not to make him suffer anymore, hear him ask why, why he had to go through this, why we had to suffer after everything…what he had done so wrong.” AJ took in a shaky breath, “I witnessed every moment that kid suffered, I heard every goddamn time he cried out in pain, in pure agony and I watched the life just drain out of his eyes, any hope he had just slip away,” A tear rolled down AJ’s cheek against his will and he brushed it away angrily, “So don’t you dare tell me I wouldn’t understand what you’re feeling,” His voice shook with emotion as he spoke and he gave Kevin a pitiful glance over, “If anything, you don’t have a fucking clue what I’m feeling.” AJ moved to head upstairs, Kevin’s voice stopping him in his tracks.

“But did you break your promise to him?” Came the whisper and AJ turned, a confused expression coloring his features. “When that was all that mattered, did you fail him in the worst possible way you could?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I promised Nick he’d be okay.” Kevin breathed, dropping his head, “I promised him he’d make it through everything…I broke my promise. I let him down.” Howie frowned at the words and Brian squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to stay calm. “AJ, I never meant you…I always figured that you had to deal…I just…” Kevin trailed off and heaved a large sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all of you…it’s just this guilt…it’s tearing me up inside and you don’t…you don’t know what it’s like…” He paused and shook his head, “Knowing that I couldn’t keep my promise…knowing that I failed Nicky when it meant the most…it’s killing me.” AJ slowly took a seat on the staircase, running a hand over his face as he stayed silent, his brown eyes on the floor.
“Kev,” Brian finally got out, looking at Kevin with glassy eyes, “I promised him the same thing…why do you think this has been so hard for me? I let him down too. I was a horrible best friend.”
“Guys, we can’t…we can’t do this.” Howie said gently, attempting a small smile. “We’re tearing each other and ourselves into pieces during the time we really, really need to be standing together.”
“I think,” AJ started, his gaze on the floor. “That we all promised Nick he’d get through everything. I know I did.”
“So did I.”
“Look, no one could have predicted this bullshit outcome.” AJ clasped his hands together as he spoke, propping his elbows up onto his knees. “No one failed Nick, no one let him down. We all promised him he’d make it through to help him keep going…and he did. He kept going…Nick never gave up.”
“That still doesn’t change how I feel.” Brian frowned, “I mean, whether one or all of us told Nick he’d make it out okay doesn’t matter, the point is that he didn’t. We all let him down.”
“We didn’t let him down.” AJ repeated firmly. “We pushed that kid every step of the way…we got him into remission. Us. Our bond, shit our brotherhood, got Nick and got us, that far.”
“Yeah, and it was all in vain.” Kevin spat out darkly and AJ glanced at him briefly as Howie shook his head.
“Do you even think Nicky would have made it as far as he did without us?” The Latino suggested. “Don’t you remember what he said at Brian’s BBQ? He couldn’t have done it without us.”
“Look fellas, I, as much as the rest of you, wish we could change the way things happened, but, we just can’t. We helped Nick make it as far as we possibly could, and I think that’s something to be damn proud of.” AJ sighed again, “And what kind of friends are we if after all that, we totally fall apart?”

“All this yelling and screaming and arguing…” Howie leaned lightly against the wall, crossing his arms across his chest. “Everyone here is hurting in the same way and in different ways but we can’t keep fighting about who’s hurting more or whatever. We owe that much to Nick.”
“But how are we just supposed to keep going?” Brian questioned, falling back against the door. “I mean I know time heals but I just wish…I wish I had a sense of closure…you know? Not being able to say goodbye or anything…it’s like everything is just hanging in the air.” AJ’s head rose at the statement, and he jumped to his feet, startling the three other men.
“I’ll be right back.” He gestured for Brian to move off the front door, the older man doing so with a puzzled expression.
“Where-”
“Just hang on, I’ll be right back.” The rebel repeated, tugging the front door open and running out to his car into the pouring rain. Howie, Kevin and Brian all exchanged confused looks, and Kevin resumed his position on the stairs, leaning back against the wall tiredly.
“I’m sorry I was such an asshole.” He sighed, looking down at the shattered picture frame near his feet. Kevin gingerly picked the photo up, brushing off the glass and looking at it sadly. “I can’t believe I broke all those pictures…”
“They’re okay for the most part.” Howie shrugged, taking a seat next to Kevin, “It’s just the frames that are totaled.”
“Besides,” Brian moved past the two men, sitting a few steps up from them, “We’ve all had our share of breakdowns, you get to have some too.” He gently kicked at Kevin’s back, “Even if it is completely insane.” A small smile danced across Kevin’s face and he rubbed his eyes harshly, “Ahhhh, god, I hope we make it through this.” He ran another hand through his hair. “This just sucks so much.”

“Well thank you Kev, for the biggest understatement of the year.” AJ acknowledged, slipping back into the house with a large box in his hands. “This weather fucking blows.” He shut the door quickly, trying to shake some of the water off his clothes.
“What is that?” Howie motioned to the box, his eyebrows rising with curiosity as AJ hopped up a few of the stairs, plopping down next to Brian.
“Well, Brian said he wished he had some sort of closure and I think, that this, will help.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.” The Latino mumbled, “What is it?”

“I don’t exactly know what it is,” AJ admitted, tapping lightly on the box, “I mean, I do but not totally.”
“What? AJ, what the hell are you talking about?” Kevin mumbled, rubbing his temples slowly.
“Just let me talk, okay?” Kevin swept a hand out and AJ took in a deep breath, “Nick,” He sighed, “And I, had a lot of talks during his whole ordeal about what would happen if/when he died. Around the time we found the chemo wasn’t working anymore, Nick began to get used to the idea that he was going to die for sure. And, he was terrified, that he wouldn’t be able to say goodbye the way he wanted. This,” The youngest man rapped on the box, “Is what he came up with as a way to say goodbye to us.”
“But…what IS it?”
“A scrapbook.”
“A scrap…so that’s what all those pictures….AJ! I thought you said you didn’t know anything about all that stuff in his room!” A weak smile passed over AJ’s face and he sent Brian an apologetic look. “Sorry man, but I wanted to wait until the right moment.”
“The right moment?” Brian repeated with exasperation. “How in God’s name did you decide THIS was the right moment?”
“Like I said, you said you wished you had some sort of closure and I figured this might help.”
“Have you ever seen this thing?”
“Nope. I saw Nick with it a few times but he never let me actually see what he was drawing.”
“So this…this was what Nick was referring to in his will when he mentioned something about you ‘knowing what to do with a painted secret’?” Kevin asked, “Right?”
“Yeah, basically.”

AJ slowly shook off the cover to the box, tossing it behind him. A thin layer of tissue paper wrapped the scrapbook up tightly, four crisp envelopes sitting on top of it.
“Are those letters?” Brian asked quietly, flipping his flashlight around so he could get a better look. He paled slightly as AJ picked them up, leafing through them before handing him one, a messily scrawled, ‘Frick of Frick and Frack’ across the front.
“Yeah,” AJ nodded, “One for each of us it looks like…I didn’t realize he had written letters.” He handed Howie and Kevin theirs, setting his own down on the stair. “Are we reading these now?” He looked down at his envelope, shining his flashlight down on it and smiling gently at the title Nick had written, ‘My caretaker aka Bone aka the new wuss of backstreet aka…AJ!’ a small winking happy face next to the name.
“I don’t want to.” Howie replied, very softly. “I mean, no offense to everyone…I would just prefer read it alone.” He glanced at his letter, choking back the lump that had risen in his throat at the sight of Nick’s chicken scratch writing of ‘Howie-is-my-homeboy-D.’ “I don’t know…what do you guys think?”
“No, I agree,” Kevin gently curled his fingers around the envelope, brushing a hand across the slightly smeared ‘Kevvy-Kev’ that adorned the cover of his letter. He took in a small breath, “We’ll save these for later.” Looking over to AJ, he smiled weakly, gesturing to the box, “Let’s see it.” AJ nodded quickly, gingerly ripping the tissue paper apart before pulling out the large, black leather bound scrapbook. Holding it in a way that allowed everyone to see, he passed his flashlight to Howie, the Latino and Brian shining their lights on the book.

“Here goes,” AJ sighed, tossing the box behind him and unhooking the front of the scrapbook. Pulling the cover open, AJ turned the first piece of transparent protection over, a scribbled message written on the very first page.
“To my brothers,” Brian dictated quietly, “Kev, D, Bri and Jay, my true family. What you hold in your hands is my best attempt at a thank you. For all of our years together, for the up’s and down’s, the laughter and the tears and everything else in between. For everything I could never tell you and for everything I told you a thousand times. This is my thank you.” He paused and took in a shaky breath, a few tears already beginning to slide down his cheek and Howie gently rubbed his shoulder.
“I thought about making a book for each of you personally,” Howie continued, “But figured that this would be the best way to make sure my biggest wish was carried out. Stay together fellas, always. I want you guys to still be the Backstreet Boys and as close as we all were 50 years from now.” The Latino shook his head and motioned for Kevin to continue, ducking his head as he wiped the tears out of his eyes.
Taking in a deep breath, Kevin leaned forward, “So, one book. One copy, one set of memories from me to you. Share it, pass it back and forth…it will help keep you together and whenever things get rough, I hope you can look through it and remember why we stay strong the way we do. Through all the fights, the bickering…everything. Never let it get the best of this group. I hope this reminds you of that.” Kevin was reading through his tears now, his voice rough as he kept reading, “To stand together, no matter how hard the world might be pushing against you, no matter how many people say you can’t, no matter what the outcome may be…stay true to us. To Backstreet, to five brothers who have defied the odds time and time again and won’t ever stop. Live, love, laugh and most of all, keep this brotherhood alive. I love you all, Nick.”

~A few weeks later~

“God this weather sucks.” AJ muttered, his brown eyes glancing around the scenery before him, a frown on his face. “I mean, can you believe it’s still fucking raining like this?” He swept an arm out lazily, gesturing at the pouring rain outside the car. “It’s ridiculous! We haven’t had constant downpours like this in years.”

“It’s a sign, is what it is.” Brian replied, flicking on the windshield wipers to give to the two men a brief moment of clarity before it was blurred out again. Heaving a sigh, he sat back in his seat, shaking his head slowly. “A major sign.” A snort of disbelief met his remark and he turned slightly, quirking an eyebrow at his younger friend. “What? You don’t think so?”

“A sign of what exactly, Brian?” A large frown took shape on the Kentuckian’s face and he rolled his eyes, before casting them downwards. “What do you think?”
AJ let loose a dry laugh, shrugging his shoulders as he maneuvered his body around in the car.
“What? Of Nick dying? Or how much it fucking sucks?”
“Um, both, I guess.” Came the slow response.

“Well if it’s some cosmic and beyond sign, then should I expect weather like this,” The rebel jabbed a finger at the windshield, “The rest of my goddamn life?” He shot Brian a small glare. “Because this situation is never going to stop sucking.” Brian let out a muted sigh in response, running a hand over his face. “I was just using it as a metaphor AJ,” He nodded slowly in the younger man’s direction. “You know that.”

“Where did Kev and D say they were?” Brian stayed silent for a moment, a frown etched into his features at the abrupt subject change before he sighed again, deciding to just let the matter drop. “I dunno.” He met AJ’s gaze for a moment, “Supposedly they were like 20 minutes away when I last talked to them.”
“According to?”
“Kevin.”
“And that was how long ago?” The Kentuckian glanced at his watch quickly,
“About 40 minutes ago.”
“Bastards.” AJ mumbled, an easy grin sliding onto his
face. “What the hell do you think is taking them so long?”
“The weather, I suppose.” He gave AJ a small smile, “That, and Howie is the one driving.”

A loud groan left AJ and he slumped down into the seat, mashing his hat onto his head. “Howie’s driving?” The rebel let out another groan at Brian’s nod. “Jesus Christ…they won’t get here until like, tomorrow!” He earned a genuine chuckle from Brian, who nodded again. “I’m surprised Kev let him drive.”
“Kevin couldn’t find his car keys.”
“Grrrreeeeeaaaaat.” AJ sighed. “I’m sure that put him in a fan-fucking-tastic mood.”
“Yeah, he didn’t sound too thrilled about it.”
“Nick always swore you could get somewhere faster by crawling than by riding with Howie.” A laugh left Brian and he grinned, “God, he used to harp on D so bad about his driving.” Brian laughed again, his blue eyes twinkling with memories. “I remember one time,” He turned around in his seat, fully facing the rebel, “We were waiting at some venue for sound checks…I think we were in San Francisco…but anyways, Nick and I had gotten there first and we made these bets on who would come 3rd, 4th and 5th.”
“Did you now?”
“Uh huh.” Brian’s grin widened, “He was convinced Howie would come dead last and I bet he’d come 4th. So we waited and waited…remember? You showed up 3rd, then both Kev and Howie ran late.” Realization dawned on AJ and he shook his head slowly, smiling. “God, is THAT what you two idiots were giggling over that day?”
At Brian’s nod, a rough chuckle let him. “Yeah, I remember that. You kept asking me who I thought was faster, Kev or Howie.”
“Right, so Howie of course, comes next and Kev came last cuz he had gotten stuck in traffic. Nick was so mad…we bet video game time, like he had to go without it for a week if he lost. He got all up in Howie’s face, asking him why he had chosen that day to not drive like a blind old lady.”

“Riiiight, that’s right.” AJ snapped his fingers at the memory. “D was pissed that night and kept threatening to trip Nick on stage if he didn’t shut up about his driving, and of course, he didn’t.”
“So then Howie did!” A burst of laughter left the two men, “Remember? During Shape of My Heart, Nick was walking backwards towards the ramp and Howie just kinda stuck his foot out…he went crashing down and we blamed it on the wires.”
“Yeah! Yeah! Nick was like, ‘I’m here with my confesssssshhhhiiit!’” AJ mimicked, “Then, BOOM!” He slapped his hands together, “He hit the ground.” AJ chuckled again, “God, Howie was pleased with himself about that one.”
“Even Kev thought it was funny.” Brian smiled, “We all did.”
“Remember the article the next day in the paper? Some of the mothers complained Nick had sworn.”
“That’s right!” The older man laughed, “Oh man, that was some funny stuff.”
“I thought management was gonna shit a brick when they saw it.”
“Me too.”
“Didn’t we convince them it was the wiring Nick tripped over, too?”
“Yeah, we did.” Brian slowly shook his head. “Man, I had to keep kicking Nick under the table to keep him from ratting Howie out. He was so annoyed!”

A moment of silence fell over the two men, the sounds of the rain hitting the car the only noise surrounding them. “God I miss him.” A sympathetic smile surfaced on AJ’s face and he nodded. “Me too.”
“Sometimes I forget that he’s gone, you know?” The Kentuckian sighed heavily. “I wake up thinking it’s just another normal day.”
“Yeah, I’ve been there.”
“Do you think we’re rushing into all this?” The rebel frowned at the question, pushing up the brim of his hat to meet Brian’s worried gaze. “Come again?”
“I’ve just been thinking,” Brian shrugged. “You know, it took that boy almost three years to completely move into his house?”
“Was it really that long?” AJ laughed. “I got so used to seeing boxes all around his place that I just stopped keeping track.” He shot a confused expression at his friend, cocking his head momentarily to the side. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“We stripped that place bare in less than two weeks.”
“Ah.”

“And now we’re here? To say what Kevin is calling our ‘final goodbyes’?” Brian quoted the last word with his fingers, a pained expression on his face. “AJ, I…Nick died 43 days ago…I don’t want to say my final goodbyes to him yet.” Blue eyes drilled into brown and Brian shook his head vigorously. “I feel like we’re trying to go through this process as quickly as possible in an effort not to hurt as much but I don’t think I can keep up.” He sighed again. “I still miss him so much and I don’t expect not to but I mean, God, we’re going so fast. We cleaned out his house a week after he died, we talked about going back into the studio last week, w-”
“More like argued.” AJ interjected, rolling his eyes slightly.
“True. But I mean, I can’t even hear one of our songs without practically breaking down and I know it’s all part of the healing process but I don’t know if I’m ready for this yet.”
“It’s definitely a lot to take.” The rebel agreed, glancing out the window at the cemetery. “It’s classic Kevin Richardson.” At Brian’s confused expression, he let out a breath. “This…God, I’d call it a fucking schedule, that we’re on.”

“Schedule?”
“Yeah, this, everyone-heals-in-their-own-time-but-it-has-to-be-on my-time-table bullshit that Kevin’s been running lately.”
“Oh.” Brian nodded. “That.”
“Yeah, that.”
“I don’t know Jay, I don’t know what to think anymore.”
“All I know, is that this whole final goodbye thing…I don’t consider it as absolute as I think Kev is.”
“So why do this?” AJ shrugged, adjusting his jeans slightly as he thought for a moment before answering.
“Because I think it’s more about saying goodbye as a group than as individuals.”
“Apparently you haven’t heard Kevin talking about each of us having our time to say goodbye to Nick privately.” Brian muttered, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. “He’s making it seem like this is the last time we can come here and do this.”
“See, that’s what I thought too.”
“That implies you don’t think that anymore,” The Southerner said slowly, “Yes?”
“Look Rok, no one, not Kevin, not even my Mom can tell me when to stop saying goodbye to Nick. Hell, I could do it for the rest of my life and no one could tell me shit. I mean they can keep telling me to stop but I don’t have to listen.”

He motioned to the cemetery before the duo. “This is the same thing. I think what Kev is trying to do is noble and I know, when it comes down to it, he has our best interest at heart. I know he thinks he’s helping us heal and what not and maybe in some way, he is. But this whole final goodbye thing isn’t what it sounds like.”
“So then what is it AJ?” Brian sighed. “Because for the life of me, I don’t see where you’re going with all this.”
“This is our chapter two Bri.”
“But I’m not ready fo-”
“Yes you are.” AJ interrupted. “We all are and we entered chapter two the moment Nicky died.”
“Closing one chapter and starting another sounds pretty darn final to me.” The older man pointed out, his frown deepening. “I mean, from what I understand, we’re here to say goodbye to Frack as a group. Right?” At AJ’s nod, he nodded as well, “But a group of what? Are we saying goodbye to the Backstreet Boys? To a brother? To a friend? I mean, why are we here to do this ritualistic goodbye? What’s the point?”
“The point is to begin this whole healing process we keep dancing around.”
“Okay, let me get this straight,” Brian held up a hand to stop his younger friend. “You said you didn’t like the fact that Kevin was basically planning out how to mourn for Nick but you’re also saying it’s the correct way to go about things because we’ve started some sort of second phase in our lives that is, for lack of a better word, sealed as soon as we say this group and/or individual goodbye to Nick?”
“Exactly.” An exasperated expression skittered across Brian’s face and he shook his head,
“AJ…that doesn’t make a bit of freakin’ sense!”
“Sure it does.”
“No, it doesn’t!” Brian argued. “All you did just now was talk in circles…I have no clue what the heck your point is.”
“My point is,” The rebel sent Brian a small smile, “That ready for it or not, on a schedule or not, all things aside, I guess this is something we need to do.”

Brian opened and closed his mouth a few times as he gaped at his friend, unable to decide on how he wanted to respond. “You have the most screwed up logic I have ever heard Alex.” He finally sighed, rubbing his temples for a moment before shooting AJ a gentle glare. “I still don’t know what in God’s name you’re talking about, but I give up.”
A small chuckle left AJ and he shrugged, his eyes on his nails as he picked at the peeling black nail polish. “Nick is worse than I am.”
“Was.” AJ’s head shot up at the quiet statement, his gaze meeting Brian’s and he nodded slowly.
“Yeah,” He mumbled after a second. “Right.”

The ringing of Brian’s cell phone caused the two men to jump, AJ cursing at the noise as Brian fished it out of his pocket, glancing at the screen before bringing it up to his ear.
“Y’all finally here?” AJ watched as Brian rolled his eyes a few times, waiting in silence. “Alright…yeah, alright. See you there.” He shut the phone quickly, dropping it back into his pocket as he nodded towards the windshield. “They’re pulling into the parking lot…they wanna meet at Nick’s.”
“They want us to wait in the pouring rain?”
“We’re gonna have to stand in the rain either way to do this.” The Southerner sighed, reaching into the backseat and grabbing his umbrella. “I just wish this weather would let up.”
“Fat chance.” The younger man muttered, tugging his hat down as he pulled his hood up over it.
“You have an umbrella?” Brian gestured to AJ’s sweatshirt. “That’s not going to keep you dry man…it’s not waterproof.”

A shocked look surfaced on AJ’s face and he looked at Brian with wide eyes, “What?” He gasped and Brian immediately rolled his eyes. “You mean cotton isn’t waterproof?” AJ put his hands on his hips, “Since when?!”
“Smart ass.”
“You love me.”
“Pffsh.” Came the retort as Brian reached into the backseat to grab a second umbrella, tossing it into AJ’s lap. “You bug me.”
“Eh, same difference.” AJ answered as he opened the door, his voice slightly muffled by the rain. Extending the umbrella out, he quickly hopped from the car before turning and kicking the door shut. “This weather SUCKS!”
“Don’t kick my car McLean!” Brian was next to the younger man in a second, a frown on his face as he looked over his car. “You got mud all over the door!”
“It’s raining man! There’s already mud on everything.”
“But…” The Kentuckian shook his head, “Nevermind, whatever.”

A shiver raced through Brian as he glanced around, squinting at the signs. “Let’s just get to Nick and meet up with D and Kev.” He started to walk forward and AJ followed suit, slowly shaking his head. “The way you keep putting it makes it sound like we’re going to his house or something.”
“What would you have me say instead?”
“I dunno.” AJ shrugged. “It wasn’t meant as criticism, just an observation.” He earned a deep sigh from his older friend, “I’m sure.” The pair stopped at the bottom of a fairly steep, grassy and muddy hill and AJ glanced up it, muttering a few choice words under his breath as Brian began to make his way up. “Howie and Kev are up there.” He called down to AJ, who had fallen a few steps behind, slipping and sliding in the mud.

“What?”
“I said, Howie and K-”
“I heard you.” The younger man snapped. “How the hell did they make it up so damn quickly?” A shrug met his response and he cursed as he almost dropped his umbrella, the cold rain hitting him quickly. “SONofa…”
“Hey guys.” Howie greeted a moment later, steeping back from the edge of the hill as Brian and AJ finally made it to the top. A smile graced his features and he nodded. “Steep climb, huh?”
“No shit.” AJ growled. “Why the hell did we put him all the way up here anyways?”
“He picked the spot, not us.” Kevin replied, sending AJ a small glare.
“Besides, there are stairs on the other side…remember?”

A sheepish expression crossed over Brian’s features and he let out a giggle, tipping his umbrella back a bit in an effort to see AJ. “Oooh yeah. Sorry man, I totally forgot.”
“You FORGOT?” An incredulous expression surfaced onto AJ’s face and he gaped at the older man. “You just made me hike up fucking Mount Everest in the pouring rain because you FORGOT about the stairs?” He shook his head. “I could have slipped to my death.”
“Stop being so dramatic, AJ.” The eldest sighed, twirling his umbrella mindlessly. “You lived and if you hadn’t, at least we coulda just tossed you in any open hole…saved some money and such.”
“Funny Kev. Real funny.” AJ said dryly as he glanced around, letting out a deep breath. “I still don’t know why the kid chose the top of a freakin mountain to be buried on.”
“Because it’s a beautiful spot.” The Latino shrugged, looking around. “I mean, despite the weather, you know?”
“Yeah,” Brian agreed softly. “All things considered, it’s got a really pretty ocean view.”
“Am I the only one who knows that none of that really makes a damn difference?”
“AJ!”
“What?” AJ threw an arm out, his eyes masked by dark sunglasses. “This is a cemetery! Who the hell cares if they get a fucking ocean view?! I mean, good god, it’s not like they’ll be sitting around staring at it.”
“Must you always be so pessimistic?”
“You’re not serious, are you?” A dark look passed over Kevin’s face at the comment and AJ spotted it at once, biting the inside of his cheek to keep his temper in check. “Alright, alright. Look, I’m sorry, okay?” He met Kevin’s emerald gaze, “I’m sorry. Let’s just,” He sighed. “Let’s just get this started, yeah?”