New Stories by Abbey
Summary: Elle and AJ have been best friends since birth. They've loved eachother since they were sixteen years old.

Now, Elle is dating Howie and AJ can't seem to get over his lost love.

Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys Characters: AJ, Howie
Genres: Drama, Romance
Warnings: Sexual Content
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 9 Completed: No Word count: 11081 Read: 14625 Published: 11/30/05 Updated: 12/13/05

1. Past and Present by Abbey

2. Harsh Reality by Abbey

3. We're Not Sixteen Anymore by Abbey

4. It's True, What They Say About Him by Abbey

5. So This is How... by Abbey

6. If You Could Only See by Abbey

7. Lie to Me by Abbey

8. Run to You by Abbey

9. Life Has Been Patiently Waiting by Abbey

Past and Present by Abbey
So tired of the corners of your lips
part them and feel my fingertips
trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin, just one touch
and I’ll be in too deep now to ever swim
or catch the current
So let me slip away.


CHAPTER ONE~ Past & Present

A flash of bright blue eyes. Deep brown hair. The feel of her fingers on his face. AJ woke up abruptly, raking his hand through his stiffened hair.

“Shit.” He thought glancing around. He had fallen asleep in one of the bus seats again and his back was killing him. He stretched and walked quietly over to one of the beds. As soon as his head hit the pillow the images from his dream came back. Tiredly he rubbed his eyes.

“God could you let me sleep just one night without her on my mind? You think you could do that for me?” AJ thought sarcastically.

He didn’t know what was worse–the fact that he couldn’t erase her from his mind or the fact that she was on this bus, only a few steps away from him. Best friends since they were in the third grade; nothing, or no one was supposed to come between them.

AJ turned over on his side uncomfortably. When she was eighteen, and he was a few months older at almost nineteen their relationship had changed. Something inside both of them said that it was more than Saturday night movies. It was more than having someone you could act completely stupid in front of and not even care what they thought. It was something different. It was him wanting to protect her, keep her safe. It was him wanting to touch her face gently and kiss her slowly. It was him wanting to hold her, and have her be his own.

AJ sat up in bed and looked around again. The bus seemed to be moving about 5 miles per hour. He wasn’t sure if this feeling would ever go away. Was he ever going to be able to sleep or go through one single day without wanting her?

When AJ told Elle about his joining a music group, she wasn’t surprised. He has always loved music and he would sing to her all the time. He would always be talking about how he wanted to be famous someday and sing in front of the world. He went for the audition and found that he was going to be in the group along with four other guys. One of them he knew and had even introduced Elle to earlier, Howie Dorough. AJ and Elle were only sixteen but the two of them could see AJ’s world changing rapidly. Elle was there for him thorough it all.

One night, two years later, Elle received a call from him late at night.

“Hello?” Elle groggily picked up.
“Elle, I need to tell you something.”

“Alex–what’s wrong? Are you okay?” Elle was sitting up straight now.

“No Elle, everything’s fine.” He said slowly.

“Then what, what do you need to tell me?”

“Elle, I’m in love with you.”

There was a long pause between them. Elle swallowed a few times and looked around the room aimlessly. Her eyes rested on a picture of her and AJ together. He was grinning cheesily and she was sticking her tongue out.

“Alex,” She could hear him breathing over the phone.

“I know...I know its...”

“Alex, no its okay. I’ve–I mean, I never thought you would say that.”

“Well, I mean it.”

“When, I mean...how...I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t know Elle, its been going through my head for such a long time now. I just couldn’t let this build up inside me any longer. I couldn’t sleep, you were on my mind, like always. Just tell me how you feel–and if you need time I understand.”

“Alex, I don’t know. I mean, I’ve known you since third grade. I’ve been through everything with you. And you’ve been through everything with me. I mean, the thought of holding you in my arms or staring into your eyes–the thought has crossed my mind but...”

“Do you lie awake at night wishing you weren’t alone in bed? Like I do? Wishing you were here? Elle...I do know everything about you, but doesn’t that make me more qualified to love you? I love everything about you, even though we fight sometimes, I couldn’t live without you. You are my best friend, but I need you in a different way now.”

Elle swallowed hard, “I do need you, and I am lonely.” She admitted.

“Then why do you make it sound like a love between us is impossible?”

“I don’t know, it scares me.”

“Elle, I love you. Oh my God I love you, it scares me too, but its okay. I’ll never hurt you baby girl, ever. I’ve cared about you and protected you since I pushed you down the slide. You don’t have anything to worry about. I’m right here, like I’ve always been, but in a different way.”

“So when do I get to see you?” Elle smiled.
AJ called her every day after that night, until the next month when AJ came home for the
weekend. Elle met him at the airport. As soon as she saw him she rushed into his arms.

“Her hugs,” he thought as he lay there eyes open wide. There wasn’t a sound being made on that damn bus, it was too quiet.

A few months after they met at the airport, Elle decided to come and visit AJ at a Miami hotel where he was staying while the Boys were on tour. She came quietly, later at night wearing the floral sundress that AJ had bought her. It was spaghetti strapped, but fit her perfectly.

“You look beautiful.” He smiled taking her hands her in his arms.

“So do you.” She smiled cheesily at him and he laughed.

“I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too Alex.” She looked him in the eyes as he leaned in to kiss her. She ran her hand through his hair. She always did this. He rested his hands on her hips, caressing her back. AJ pulled his lips away from hers.

“I love you Elle.”

“I love you too Alex.”

He put his hand up to her cheek and looked in her eyes. They had talked about making love for a while now, and both of them knew they wanted to.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” AJ asked her sincerely.

“Yes,” She replied shakily, “Do you?”

“Yes.”

AJ recalled every hesitant and trembling touch they shared that night. The looks, the words, everything. He sat up straight again. He at least wished he was in his own hotel room, so he wouldn’t have to worry about waking anyone up.

“God damn you, Elle. God damn you for being my best friend and my bandmate’s girlfriend."

Howie and Elle, yes they looked perfect for eachother. And that was exactly what bothered the hell out of him. There was nothing wrong with them. The were insanely perfect. Their cutesy kisses, their hand holding, their eye contact, the way they snuggled up to each other whenever they had a moment. It made him sick to his stomach, insane with jealousy. He found himself drawing away from the group whenever they went out. He’d stay in the hotel room and write songs. His thoughts had seemed to over take him, not letting him be the Alex he once knew. Howie had invited her to spend a couple weeks with him on tour. She wrote a column for the magazine Glamour, so it was easy to take her work with her. The two of them had a hard time being apart. There were times AJ would watch her as she stared out of the bus window. Sometimes she would smile and hug herself, other times she had tears in her eyes. At those times, AJ would come and sit beside her, they didn’t say anything. They didn’t need to.
AJ finally fell asleep that night, at 3 a.m. They arrived in New York City that morning and
pulled into the arena. Everyone was awake on the bus, except AJ.
“Go ahead Howie, let me just check on AJ.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek as he walked off the bus.

Elle sat on the edge of AJ’s bed and ran her hand through his hair gently.

“Alex,” She whispered, “We’re here.”

He didn’t move or wake up. Elle looked at AJ’s sleeping face. His dark hair matted and sticking up all over the place. It was apparent that he had been running his hands through it. His lips were slightly parted and he was breathing slowly, his chest moving up and down. She continued to run her hand through his hair and whisper his name.

She saw his eyes flutter open and rest on her.

“Elle?”

“Hmm?” She smiled.

“What? I mean...”

“It’s time to get up, we’re here. You were dead asleep.”

“Yeah,” he sat up, “couldn’t sleep last night.”

“I figured, I heard you rustling.”

AJ sat up and nodded.

“Uhm, are you ready to go?” She glanced at him and noticed he was wearing no shirt and just boxers.

“Not really.” He chuckled softly.

She smiled, “Well unless you want to go wearing that.”

AJ quickly put his hands over the opening in his boxers.

“Sorry,” he laughed, “I totally forgot.”

“It’s okay its not like I haven’t...” she stopped.

AJ sighed, “I know.”

“Well, I’ll see you.” She smiled and stood up.
“Yup.”
She started walking off when AJ stood up and called after her.

“Elle, wait.” She turned to face him as he walked closer. “Thank you.” All he wanted was to tell her how much he loved her. He wanted her in his arms. He wanted to tell her how much his heart ached for her love, but he couldn’t. He knew he was being selfish. Howie
was one of his best friends. He was always there for him whenever he needed someone for
anything. And Howie was in love with Elle, that he knew for sure.

“For what hun?” She smiled.

“Just for being there.” He smiled back as he studied her. Her brown hair was clipped back, a few strands loose. Her hazel eyes were darker than usual, which scared him. She had a curvy elegant body, that he knew, but she would always cover it up as much as she could. He had to stop himself from thinking about her beautiful body underneath.

“Hey, everything alright Age?” She placed a hand on his shoulder, taking him out of his daze.

“Yeah,” He sighed, “I’m alright.”

“Okay, well you’re still my best friend Age,” She smiled, “You just come talk to me.”

He smiled back at her but didn’t say anything.

“Bye.” She turned and walked off the bus.
Harsh Reality by Abbey
CHAPTER TWO~ Harsh Reality


“Was everything alright babe?” Howie asked Elle as he put an arm around her shoulder.

“Yeah, he just said he couldn’t get to sleep last night. He’ll be out soon.” She turned her head back in the direction of the tour buses and then back to Howie. “D?”

“Yeah?” He turned to face her taking both of her hands.

She looked up into his eyes, “I hurt him didn’t I?”

He looked at her solemnly and nodded, “ But that was a long time ago. People change.”

“Yeah.” She nodded back.
“You gonna be alright?” He searched her wandering eyes.
“Yeah.”

“Alright baby, I hope so.”
“You’re always so understanding.” She gave him a hug and rested her forehead on his.

“That’s because I love you.”
She smiled and he saw it. He lifted her chin up with his finger, “Anything for that smile.” He smiled back and gave her a quick kiss.
“Alright, I’m fine, lets go.” She laughed. But as she left she stole a look back at the doors.

***

Rehearsals were their usual, long, drawn out, and repetitive. Howie couldn’t wait to see his Elle. She had gone out shopping with Kristin and Leighanne, and it seemed like forever before he was going to be able to see her again. After rehearsals he went to go look for her backstage and he found her collapsed on a couch fast asleep. He smiled to himself, wondering how she could even be tired. But he didn’t know she got little to no sleep the night before.

***

AJ walked back into the arena tiredly after his shower. His jeans fit loosely around his waist, his boxers showing. His tighter t-shirt hugged his body perfectly and showed off his tatoos. He went backstage and said hey to all the guys, except Howie who was no where to be found.

“Hey Age.” Brian greeted him.

“Hey.” He gave a false smile, but Brian didn’t catch on.

“Where’s Howie?” AJ asked as he poured himself a huge cup of coffee.

“Where do you think dude?” Nick replied sarcastically.

AJ shrugged, “Where?”, even though he knew he was with Elle.

“With his girlfriend.” Nick said seriously this time.

“Oh,” AJ replied half heartedly.

Nick looked at Brian and then Kevin and then back to AJ, “AJ is everything alright?”

AJ looked up from his coffee to see that the three men were looking back at him. “Yeah,” He replied, “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“It’s Elle isn’t it?” Kevin jumped in. Kevin sure did talk slow but he knew exactly what was going on.
“Elle,” AJ thought to himself, “Its always you.” He turned to Kevin, “Why would it be Elle?”

“Don’t give me that AJ, something’s definitely up. That something is Elle, Elle and Howie specifically.” Kevin stated. Brian and Nick started to catch on.
“I’m fine.” AJ lied.

“Yanno AJ, I don’t really blame you for being upset. I mean she’s your best friend’s girlfriend, that’s got to hurt. You haven’t even said anything about it all this time. Nick said.
AJ didn’t know wether he should tell them how badly he wanted Elle back, he hadn’t even told one person.
He sighed, “I just miss her.”

The three men all looked at each other and nodded knowingly.

“You’ve got every right in the world to miss her. I’m surprised you’re not angry.” Nick said.

“I couldn’t be angry at someone who doesn’t love me, especially Elle.” AJ looked down at his coffee again. The room was silent. Everybody knew that this wasn’t like AJ at all. AJ usually didn’t let anyone or anything get to him, but he had loved Elle all his life. He had taken care of her, protected her, and showed her how to love someone.

“Don’t any of you speak a word of this to either one of them.” AJ looked at them seriously.

“We won’t” Kevin promised.

“Thanks.” AJ walked away with his coffee, already getting tired of being around people.

***

Elle woke up hours later in the same room. She could hear the Boys’s pounding music coming from the arena. She sat up abruptly realizing she had forgotten to give Howie a kiss good luck before he went on. She composed her self and hurried down the hallway to the backstage area where she could see them offstage. She could see her Howie smiling and singing to the crowd and she found herself grinning. She saw Nick trying to touch every young girls hand he possibly could. She saw Brian belting out the lyrics and Kevin waving at fans way in the balcony. Then she saw AJ. A lot had changed from this morning when she saw him. He looked great, although she thought he looked his best right in the morning; all scruffy and sleepy. She didn’t know why she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him. His dancing, his singing. All these years however, she was always in awe of his performances. She always caught her self staring at him during his concerts. She could hear the music end and fans screeching and she realized the song was over.

“Baby!” Howie ran up to her with kisses.

“Aww, hey. You look great.” She smiled.

“Thank you. I gotta go! Don’t leave!” Howie gave her one more kiss and ran farther backstage to change for the next song. Somehow she had completely missed seeing AJ come back from the stage. She searched around where she was standing and realized he was standing only feet away from her getting his microphone checked. They were supposed to be best friends, but they hadn’t even had a real conversation for months.
“Age,” Elle walked over to him quickly before he had to go on again.

He looked surprised to see her, but he smiled, “Hey.”

“I was wondering if we could catch up after the show, I mean its been a while.”

“Of course. I’ll meet you....here...afterwards.” He smiled at her again.
“Thank you.” She gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and then said, “You look great out there.”

“Thanks Elle.”
The music started back up and AJ gave her another smile before running on stage.
We're Not Sixteen Anymore by Abbey
Elle sat on the floor of the stage waiting for AJ at around one a.m. that night. She told Howie she was going to meet AJ, and even though he seemed a little worried, Elle assured him that nothing would happen.

It seemed that Elle had completely lost the AJ she knew as her best friend. After their breakup two years ago, things had been pretty rocky.

“Hey you.” Her head shot up when she heard AJ’s voice. He sat down across from her. He was wearing a wife beater and sweat pants. He had just taken a shower so he smelled clean and his hair was still wet.

“Hey, I didn’t think you were coming.” She smiled.

“I told you I would, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but it’s been forever since we’ve even had a conversation Age. We’re supposed to be best friends.”

He sighed, “Yeah. I know, well...how are things with you and D?”

“Great,” she smiled, “I mean, I think it's getting pretty serious.”

AJ nodded, his face expressionless. “He loves you very much.”

Elle smiled even though she could see that something was wrong with AJ. “I don’t know why.”

“Now why do you say that?” AJ questioned her.

“Oh I don’t know. Age, what’s wrong. Please tell me.”

“What do you mean?” AJ lied.

“Don’t start Age, you know I know you too well. Your face, something’s wrong. I’m worried about you. I always worry about you.”

He was surprised to hear her say that, “You worry about me?”

“Of course I do, so tell me.” She smiled sincerely at him and scooted closer, hoping he would just tell her what had been bothering him.

AJ sighed looking at Elle was just making everything worse. All he wanted to do was just scream “I love you! Can’t you see?! You left me and now I can’t live without you”.
Instead AJ smiled and said, “Do you remember when you and I went on that roller coaster at Six Flags and you barfed all over that guy with the huge bald spot?”

Elle burst out laughing, “What the hell Age??!!”

He started laughing with her, “I just couldn’t get the image out of my head where you were like ‘I’m so sorry sir’ blahhhhh.”

“Thank you for allowing me to remember that embarrassing moment in our history.”

“Hey I’ve got more.”

“And I’ve got a ton about you that I could potentially share with the guys if you tell any more of my embarrassing stories.”

“Oh hun, they know ‘em all.” He grinned.

“You didn’t tell Howie about my barfing story did you?”

“Great,” AJ thought to himself, “We’re back on the topic of Howie.”

“Did you Age?” She laughed.

“I guess you’ll never know will you?”

“I wish we were still sixteen.”

“Oh I don’t, I was so awkward.” AJ laughed.

“Oh stop, you were just trying to grow sideburns that’s all.”
“I succeeded eventually didn’t I?” He said touching his now fully grown in sideburns.

“Yeah you did, I love it. I tell you one thing I didn’t like though Age, the blue hair. What were you thinking?”

“It was only for a little while! I was going through a phase.”

“You should have consulted me before going through that phase.”

“Oh hey now.” AJ smiled.

"Sorry but it's true!" She playfully nudged him.

"Well what about the time when you decided to chop almost all your hair off into this spiky...something."

"Hey Hey Hey!!! Why don't you ask the other twelve million people who did their hair like that when they were 16."

AJ laughed again, "Alright, alright."

"I miss this Age." She looked down at her lap.

"So do I hun." His eyes grazed over her every feature. God how he hated moments like these. Moments where he wished he could just scoop her up in his arms and kiss her with everything he had in him.

"We're best friends its not supposed to be like this. I mean I haven't talked with you, I mean really talked with you in months."

He felt like saying, "Why don't you ask your boyfriend about that one." But instead he replied, "I know."

"AJ serioulsy what is bothering you? Talk to me. Don't change the subject, don't sidetrack just talk to me."

He had to lie, "Elle, sweetie, nothing is bothering me. I'm alright, really." He gave her a small smile to reassure her of something he knew wasn't true.

She paused, knowing there was something under the surface that she wasn't telling him, but she decided to let it go. "Fine, but we need to make sure that this isn't the last time we talk and laugh with eachother okay?"

"Of course. There will me many more of these humilating conversations to come."

She laughed, "If you tell Howie about the barf I will kill you, you know that right?"

"Yeah I know, I just might be willing to accept the punishment."

She stood up and crossed her arms, "McLean."

He stood up as well, "Yes?"

"I'm serious."

"Oh I know." He loved playing with her.

Her eyes narrowed, "Alright."

He just laughed, "Cool it Stevens I'm not going to tell your lover about the barf fest okay?"

She shook her head smiling, "Good. Now can I have a hug?"

His eyes softened, "Definatley, come here." He held his arms out for her and she walked into them, resting her head on his shoulder. Her arms curved around AJ's stomach and he sighed quietly. He held her tightly and rubbed her back slowly and gently.

If only she knew.
It's True, What They Say About Him by Abbey
Elle had a feeling that Howie would be waiting up for her so she cut her talk with AJ short. She hated seeing him so quiet and reserved lately so she was glad that she got him to laugh a little with her at least. He opened the door to her and Howie's hotel room and low and behold Howie was sitting straight up in bed watching TV.

"Hey baby." He smiled at her when she shut the door behind her.

"Hey D." She walked over to him and gave him a quick peck, "You didn't have to wait up for me, I know how you love to sleep."

He smiled at her again, "I wanted to. Besides I want to know how it went so go get changed and come snuggle up with me."

Now it was her turn to smile, "Alright."

Elle walked into the bathroom and changed into her pajamas. Brushing her teeth she looked in the mirror, but turned away quickly when she saw her exhausted face in the mirror. She knew it was because of her worrying about AJ. She worried constantly. She knew she had hurt him. Well ripped his heart out was more like it. Two years later she still hadn't forgiven her self for it. But, she was sure that he was over her. Little did she know that was far from the truth.

Elle finshed up and walked back into the room where Howie was. She went to the opposite side of the bed and got under the covers. Howie turned off the TV and pulled her closer with his strong arms. He kissed her forehead and smoothed her hair.

"So how is he?" Howie asked, flicking off the light next to him.

"He's alright actually. Or so he says." Her arm went around Howie's stomach and she rested her head on his chest.

"So what did you talk about?"

She smiled thinking of the barf story, "Oh you know memories. Stupid stuff we did when we were kids, yanno, same old same old."

He rubbed her back affectionaltey. "So he was laughing?"

"Yeah, I hadn't seen him smile like that in a long time."

"Aww good babe. He's lucky to have you, and so am I."

Could he be anymore perfect? She smiled and looked up at him, "Nah I'm lucky to have you."

He brought his lips to hers and kissed her softly. His hand stroked her cheek lightly.

Every woman, and hell even every man, that Elle had spoken to had told her that Howie Dorough was a sweet and as nice as men came. Women had said he was an insanley good kisser, and a giver in every romantic way possible.

"His lips," One woman told her, "I would give anything to just kiss those pouty pink lips."

Elle smiled against those pouty, pink lips, wondering how he chose her. And then suddenly, as it he always seemed to do at the worst possible times, worry popped into her head about AJ.
So This is How... by Abbey
Elle looked over at Howie who was sound asleep next to her. His arm was draped across her stomach and his mouth was partially open. He looked gorgeous on a daily basis, but even more so when he slept. She laid her arm over his and clasped his hand gently. She was so lucky to have him. He took such good care of her. They had only been together for about 6 months and he treated her like she was the world. She sighed, thinking again for what must have been the hundreth time that night, about her AJ. Something was definately wrong with him, she knew this. It seemed like not a day would go by that she wouldn't think of that horrible night when everything ended between her and AJ. And everytime she did think about it, she would feel sick and horrible for what she did to him.

***

"Hey babe," AJ smiled at Elle when he walked in through the door that night. He leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He looked behind her and saw a stack of luggage. Elle looked down in her lap, not being wanting to see the look in his eyes.

"Going somewhere?" AJ asked crossing his arms.

"AJ..." She sighed.

"No really where are you going? Your mom's for the weekend? Uhm or you going to London or something? How come you didn't tell me?" He was being sarcastic. God, did she hate it when he was like this.

"AJ..." She muttered again.

"Do you want to explain why you're taking a trip and you didn't even invite me?" AJ raised his eyebrows, and leaned against the wall.

"AJ, I can't do this anymore." Elle shook her head as her eyes welled up. She still kept her gaze at her lap, not wanting to see the anger in his eyes.

"Elle, do what? We love eachother, what's there to do?" AJ shrugged, not understanding how his
baby girl could ever leave him.

"It's not that simple." She wiped her eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling.

"Then simplify it for me. Elle, this must be some kind of joke because I'm not understanding how there is any reason for you to be leaving."

Elle sighed, "I just need a break."

AJ threw his hands up in the air, "Well fuck, go away for a weekend don't leave forever."

"AJ I'm not saying its forever."

"Well by the number of suitcases you've got stacked on my kitchen floor, it sure looks a hell of a lot like forever."

Elle stood up on shaky legs and put her jacket on. Reality seemed to hit AJ at that moment, was she really leaving him? She pulled up the handle of her rolling suitcase and tried to stack a bag on top of it, but it kept falling. When she finally thought it would stay she grabbed her other suitcase in the other hand and started to walk towards the door, but the bag fell again. She couldn't help it, she broke down right then and there. AJ's heart softened and he walked over to her, pushing the bags out of her hands, he wrapped her in his arms.

"Babe, what are you doing? Don't leave me." He whispered in her ear.

Elle cried into his chest, "You don't understand, I need to go AJ...its time."

He pulled her close with everything he had, "No...I'm not letting you leave." He found his face getting flushed, "Whatever this is, we can work it out."

"Not this time..." She tried pulling himself away from him, but he kept pulling her back.

"Elle...I love you...stay with me."

"AJ..."

"Why are you doing this to me?"

She finally pulled away and tried to gather her bags again. She still couldn't look at him.

He tried to plead with her, "How could you? We've loved eachother, since....since...we were sixteen years old. How do you just walk away from that?"

"You're still my best friend AJ," She hurried towards the door, struggling with her bags, and he followed.

"What?! What am I supposed to do with that? You think that will make this okay?" He grabbed her arm before she could open the door.

"It's over AJ...I'm sorry but it is..." She shook him off of her and opened the door, her hard tears falling.

"Over?" AJ whimpered.

"Over." She cried pulling her suitcases out of the door.

AJ was speechless. He wanted to run at her, he wanted to throw her suitcases back into the house, he wanted to pull her in with everything he had, but he didn't. He stood there, watching her quickly put her bags in her car. He watched her shut the door. He watched the tears fall from her eyes. Elle was leaving him?

"Goodbye AJ."

His eyes shot at her, "Tell me you don't love me."
She diverted her eyes from his and went around to open the car door.

"Tell me you don't love me Elle!" He shouted after her. She just shook her head and got in the car. She couldn't bring herself to say it.

AJ ran out of the doorway and to her car window. "Elle, baby, don't leave. Please, I'm begging you, stay with me. Whatever I did...What did I do? Elle, please..."

She started the ignition.

"Elle! Listen to me! Stay with me!" He shouted. He wanted to reach in the window and make her look at him. "I can't be......I can't be...without you..." He pounded on the window.

She pulled the car into drive.

"Elle...seriously..." How could she not look at him? "Elle!" He was yelling at her, pleading with her. He could see the tears streaming down her face. His own eyes weren't holding tears back either. They had always meant the world to eachother. They had taught eachother everything about love and friendship. They had accepted each other in everyway possible. He was her first kiss, her first time, her first love. He knew her soul and she knew his. She was really leaving him.

Her foot pulled off the break and she started to roll out of the driveway, AJ following pounding on the windows. He would have sooner that they smash open so he could get through to her. She got to the end of the driveway and pulled out.

AJ couldn't follow her any longer.

***

Elle brought a hand up to her cheek and felt her wet tears. She looked over at her sleeping Howie. Sometimes she wondered how she got in this mess. Was it even a mess? Did AJ even still want her? She didn't think it could be possible after what she did to him. She knew her reasons for leaving were ridiculous. I can't do this anymore, I need a break. People had been telling her that she would be crazy to marry her best friend. "It will never work out." They told her. She listened to her head instead of her heart. Perhaps what was even worse is that she had Howie's heart.

"Elle," Howie mumbled, his eyes sleepy, "What's wrong sweetheart?"

"Howie, go back to sleep, I'm alright." She rubbed his arm, that lay across her stomach.

"Elle, he'll be okay."

How did he know?

"No, I know." She wiped her eyes.

"You worry too much babe, and that makes me worry about you." He pulled her in tighter and kissed her forehead.

This hurt even worse, he was so good to her.

"You don't have to. Go back to sleep."

"As long as you do." He yawned.

She nodded and rested her head against his shoulder.

"I love you." Howie said before shutting his eyes again.

She paused, biting her lip. "I...love you too."

Was it a lie? She wasn't sure.
If You Could Only See by Abbey
The next morning Howie awoke to an empty bed. He ran a hand through his hair and looked at the clock, 8:30. He sat up and rubbed his eyes to the image of Elle typing away on her laptop. She was working.

"Morning." She smiled up at him over the screen.

"Babe, why don't you come back to bed, you didn't even get to sleep until four." He rubbed his eyes again, and scratched his arm.

"I've got a lot of work to do though, before I leave tommorow." She flipped through a stack of papers by her side.

Howie lowered his head and sighed, "Not even for a little while?"

She set down her papers and looked at him. How could she resist that face? She closed her laptop and walked over to the bed. He smiled at her sweetly.

"C'mere." He held his arms out for her and she crawled into bed next to him. He cuddled her close, spooning her. "The boys and I were thinking about going out tonight, since it's your last night and all." He kissed her cheek.

She sighed, "Uh...sure." She rested her arms over Howie's as he wrapped his leg around hers.

"You don't have to if you don't want to babe, I could just stay with you here, or we could go out." He started kissing her neck gently and caressing her side.

She laughed, "Howie, I thought you wanted me to go to sleep."

He smiled, his lips making their way up to her earlobe, "I do...I do...."

"Hmmm, I don't know about that." She pulled his hand away from her stomach and held it with her own.

"Go to sleep and stop touching me." He laughed smoothing her hair with his other hand.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She turned her head and met his lips with her own.

****

"Red or black Howie?" She asked in her robe, holding up different dresses to her body.

"They both look good." He said barely glancing.

"Red or black?!" She raised her voice.

"Uh..um..." He stuttered.

She ran out of their hotel room quickly and knocked on the room next door. AJ opened.

"Thank God! Red or black?" She asked flashing the dresses quickly.

AJ's heart almost caught in his throat. Elle was standing there in her hotel robe, hair damp, her golden skin glowing without a stitch of makeup on. She was wearing hotel slippers, and the cross necklace she always wore hung gracefully around her neck. He could have taken her away right then and there and forgot about all the consequences.

"Black." He answered simply.

She pulled it away from her and looked at it again. "Yes, Aje I knew I could count on you, thank you sweetheart." She beamed at him.

"Hey anytime, thats what I'm good for right?" He smiled back, weakly.

"Awww, hey are you coming tonight?"

"I was thinking about it." Now I doubt it, he thought.

"Please come, it's the least I can do. I barely got to see you the whole two weeks I with you guys."

"On one condition."

"What's that?"

He ran back into the room and came back with two shirts.

"Red or Black?"

****

"Would you go talk to him for me?" Elle asked Howie as they danced together at the club later that night.

Howie glanced over at AJ who was sitting all my himself in a booth.

"Nick!" Howie shouted.

"D, whats up?" Nick smiled.

"Dance with Elle would you?"

Howie gave her a quick peck on the cheek, "I'll be right back."

She put a hand to his cheek, "Thankyou."

He nodded and smiled at Nick before walking over to his best friend.

Nick wrapped his arms around Elle, "Everything alright?"

"I dunno Nick. I'm--"

"Worried. Yeah I know. We all are."

"You are too?" She parted from him a little and gave him a confused look.

"Yeah of course, I mean the man's never been the same since--" He stopped himself right there and then.

Elle lowered her head, "It's not still....I mean..."

Nick shook his head, completley lying through his teeth, "No, I mean he's just changed a lot, nothing bad." AJ would kill him if he found out anything had slipped.

"Nick, it's been years, you know that right?"

"Yes I do, he's fine you don't have to worry about it."

Thats what everyone said.

****

"Hey J, whats up?" Howie sat across from his friend.

"Oh not much man." AJ forced a small smile.

"Why don't you come dance with us? I mean is this AJ I'm talking to? Because the AJ I know never sulks at a club."

"Nah, actually I think I'm gonna head out."

Howie had a confused look on his face, "What?
Why?"

"Just tired thats all."

Howie looked at the table, there were at least four napkins with phone numbers on them.

"Hold up here AJ. You've got women flinging themselves at you and you're going to go back to the hotel?"

He laughed, "Yeah I guess so."

Howie glanced back at the dancefloor to find Elle staring at him and AJ. He gave her a smile, and AJ noticed.

"So I guess I'll see you tommorow then D." AJ said standing up and zipping his sweatshirt up.

"Yeah I guess so. Thanks for coming." Howie stood up and gave him a hug.

"Later." AJ looked back at Elle and waved at her before heading towards the door.

Why had he even agreed to come tonight? He always got himself into the most awkward situations it seemed. "Oh yeah sure, I'll go out with the woman I want and can't have and the man that's got her wrapped around his finger." Right. He knew Howie was sent over to talk to him, and thats what made it all even worse. She was worried about him. He needed to talk to her. He had to. At least then he would know, before she left. He hailed a cab, and headed back to the hotel room. Pitiful he knew, but he would be there. Waiting for her.
Lie to Me by Abbey
And I wished for things that I don’t need.
All I wanted.
And what I chase won’t set me free.
It’s all I’ve wanted.

AJ paced around his room like a mad man. “This is ridiculous. What the hell am I doing?” He thought. He ran a hand through his hair for what seemed the hundredth time since he had left the club. “She’s not going to just want to...” He stopped himself when he heard her and Howie’s laughter coming down the hallway. AJ leaned against the wall of his hotel room. Her laugh. Why did every little thing she did send him reeling? He had yet to figure out why she still had an affect on him.

AJ slid down the wall, sinking to the floor. How much longer was this going to go on? Was he going to spend his entire life wishing he was hers again? After all, she did nothing but break his heart. Why did he still want her? He had to get this off his chest. He wanted to yell at her, scream at her, “Look what you’ve done to me!”, and then hold her for dear life.

AJ sat up. He had to do this.

He walked out his door and banged on Howie and Elle’s room with his fist. Howie opened abruptly, a confused look on his face.

“AJ?” Howie looked back at Elle who just stood there.

“Elle, I need to talk to you.” His eyes just stayed with hers.

Elle glanced at Howie, and then back at Howie. “I’ll be right over AJ.” She walked up and shut the door easily. Elle leaned up against the door, and lowered her head.

Howie shut his eyes in frustration, “Go Elle.”

“Howie I...”

“I know you still care about him Elle, and I understand he needs to talk to you, its just...” He sighed and looked up at her, “When are you going to go to sleep at night without worrying about him? When we all going to be able to go out again and not have to talk about something that happened years ago?”

She walked up to him and brushed his cheek with her fingers, “I know...Howie I’m so sorry.. .” She shook her head embarrassed.

“Elle, I trust you.” He looked at her solemnly.

Elle nodded, “Thankyou.” She gave him a quick kiss and wrapped him in his arms before heading out the door.

Howie loved her, and he was willing to do just about anything for her. But how AJ managed so slip between the cracks of their relationship time and time again did bother him. Yet, he put up with it. For her.

Elle walked up to AJ’s door and knocked lightly. He opened, his face expressionless. She walked in his room uneasily. AJ shut the door behind her and as she turned to face him, he crossed his arms.

“So, what’s up AJ?”

He swallowed hard, Go ahead man, say what you were going to say.
“Elle, I...” He was actually shaking.

“Aje, you came pounding on Howie and I’s door, you sulked all night at the club...yesterday you told me you were fine, now will you please tell me what the hell is going on?” Elle was actually scolding him and it took a minute for it to fully sink into AJ’s head.

Here we go, AJ thought.

He rubbed his forehead, “You really wanna know what the hell is going on?” AJ asked her, his voice low above her shouting.

“Yes AJ I do.” Elle said, walking over to the bed to sit down.

Could he really tell her? It was almost like he had to now. He’d dragged her in here, and not on a happy note either. But tell her? Tell her what had been pent up inside of him for three years. But really what did he have to lose?

He stood away from her, picking at his nails nervously.

“You left me.” He said simply.

Silence.

Elle just sat there. What could she even say to that?

“You left me Elle. You left me pounding on your fucking window. Shouting your name, chasing after your car.”

“AJ its been years since–“

“We’ve never even discussed it.”

Elle swallowed hard. God had the tables been turned now, “You want to talk about it?”

“Yeah,” He said walking a little closer to her, “ I do.”

“Alright...then–“

“You realize your boyfriend is Howie right?”

“AJ what’s that supposed to mean?”

“My God damn, brother. Can you even begin to comprehend how much it kills me that you are with him?”

Elle’s eyes went wide. He didn’t still...did he?

He looked at her blank expression, “I didn’t think so.”

AJ went over and sat in a chair across from the bed so he could look in her eyes as he told her.

“I’ve been sitting on this for three years, and you can’t even offer an explanation? I called you for months. I must have left a thousand messages. I called your mom, your dad. I called your sister. I called your work. Hell I wouldn’t have known if you were alive except for the fact that your column was still being printed every month. Then you magically appear again and boom you’re with Howie, expecting that we’re just going to pick back up as best friends. And I did. I did that for a while, but I can’t do it anymore. You ask me if I’m okay about 365 times a day and how could you not know? You say you worry about me. Well what are you worrying for Elle? You don’t seem to worry about me enough to actually do anything about it. So basically every word, every comment, every talk has pretty much been complete and utter bull shit.”

“No it hasn’t!”

“Yes, it has.”

“No because AJ I do worry about you...I just never thought you were still mad about the whole thing. I thought we had gotten over it.”

Elle knew, even she hadn’t gotten over it.

AJ shook his head, “We? Maybe you. I’m going to be honest with you because I figure, what the hell? You’re not going to care anyways...”

“Alexander James McLean you know that is not true.” She stood up and shouted at him.

“Would you care if I told you I still love you?” He shouted back.

She stopped. Her heart pounding like a hammer in her chest. He didn’t just say...did he?

“W-what?” She said, her voice cracking.

“I still love you,” He repeated, “Don’t sound so shocked.”

“AJ you can’t.”

He raised his eyebrows, “Well that’s too bad isn’t it?”

“AJ what I did to you, how could you still...?”

He sighed, “I have no idea. No matter what you’ve done to me, you’re still my Elle. The woman I’ve loved all my life. Usually, we fight and we have like a 2 second reflex and we’re fine. I never understood why you left me forever.” AJ looked down in his lap. His voice finally calming. He always wondered it himself. How could he still love her after everything? Was it even possible?

Hard tears fell from Elle’s eyes as she fought to keep her breathing under control. Why now? She thought she wouldn’t have to worry about this. She was with Howie. She loved Howie, didn’t she? Her mind was processing a thousand thoughts, a thousand questions at one time. Memories ran through her head. That night when AJ called her, first telling her he loved her. Their first kiss. The first time they made love. Her leaving. Why? She turned away from him. Did she even know why she left him forever?

“AJ I don’t know what to say right now.” She mumbled.

He stood up and walked over to her, placing his hands on her shoulders. “Say you love me. If you do Elle, say it. Tell me why you left me. Tell me that you want to be with me again. You know we’re supposed to be together. Have you ever felt the way you feel when we’re together with anyone else?” He moved his hands lower, encircling her waist. Elle closed her eyes, the feel of AJ’s hands on her intoxicating her. She should have been shouting, “Stop, stop it AJ.” But she didn’t. She couldn’t. His fingers reminding her of everything she had missed all these years, everything she secretly longed for every night.

“AJ I can’t hurt Howie.” Tears continued to spill from her eyes as he cradled her.

“Do you love Howie?”

Did she? “He loves me AJ, I can’t hurt him.”
“I wasn’t asking if he loves you Elle. Do you love him?” He repeated.

She broke away from AJ’s arms and turned to face him. “Ugh! What does it matter? I’m with him AJ!” She started walking towards the door.

“You don’t love him. Be with me Elle. Don’t leave me again.” He wasn’t yelling, he wasn’t getting angry. He was simply talking to her. He wasn’t sure what would work anymore. “You know I’d die to get you back.”

She turned, “AJ don’t talk like that, you’ve got to get over this.”

“Are you over it?”

Again she couldn’t answer, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I did to you, but it....” She wiped her wet nose and cheeks, “...It was a long time ago. I said and did things I didn’t mean, but its too late now. We’ve got to move past this Alex, we’re not kids anymore.”

Alex.

He reached for her arm, “Elle, its not to late. I’m still here.” He looked over her crimson cheeks, flushed from the tears was crying. No matter how mad he was at her, it broke his heart to see her crying. He put a hand to her face, rubbing his thumb over her warm skin. “Baby, I’m here.”

His words made her tears fall harder, and she had to use all power not to crumble into his arms at that moment. “Ale-....AJ...I’ve got to go. I’m sorry....I can’t do this. I’ve got to...I’ve gotta go.” She broke away once more and opened the door.

“Elle...” He sighed.

She looked back at him, “I’m...I....I’m sorry.” She pulled the door shut in his face, knowing she was walking out on the one man who truly understood her. She hoped he realized how she really felt, because she couldn’t tell him.

She ran back into her room to find Howie sitting patiently on the bed waiting for her. He stood up as soon as he saw her, and she ran into his arms crying uncontrollably. Howie’s mouth hung open, shocked at her state, as she hugged the life out of him. He wrapped his arms around her in return, holding her shaking body, as her tears fell on his shoulder.

“Elle...” He whispered, “Baby calm down....shhhh....” He stroked her hair and rubbed her back. “It’s alright....shhhhh....” He rocked her slowly, and it seemed like an eternity before she ever calmed down. When he thought it was safe, Howie pulled himself away from her slightly and looked at her flushed, tear stained face.

“Baby...” He smoothed the hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ears. Cupping her face, he kissed her cheek gently, she was burning up.

“Howie...” She cried, quietly now, her arms pulled him in again, needing his strength.

“I’m here Elle...” He cradled her again, wondering what could have happened, but knowing now was not the time to ask.

“Howie?” She whimpered.

“Yes?”

“Will you make love to me?”

He pulled away from her again and looked in her reddened eyes, almost in disbelief. In their entire 6 months together, they had not made love even once. She had always told him she wasn’t ready. Inside, she wasn’t ready because she felt if her and Howie did make love, she would really be over AJ. All she wanted to do now was forget him.

“Elle, now? Honey....we’ve....you need to...”

Please?
Run to You by Abbey
Howie tucked her hair behind her ears, and placed a hand on Elle's cheek. How could he say no? Her eyes closed at his touch and a few more tears escaped from her eyes.

"Elle, are you sure about this?" Elle opened her eyes and the look on Howie's face nearly broke her heart. He was being so sweet, and so sincere and all she could think about right now was AJ. How could she do that to Howie? She didn't understand why she was still standing there, letting him touch her and hold her. Letting him ease her pain. But she couldn't move away.

"Yes," She murmered, she placed her shaky hands on Howies chest, "I really....I need you."

His heart ached at her words, wondering what could have happened in AJ's room. Wondering what he could have possibly said to hurt her. He hated the fact that AJ affected her so much. Elle needed Howie now, and he had to be there.

Howie reached down for her hands and led her over to the bed. He picked her up gently and laid her down and he gazed lovingly down at her. The tears on her face, breaking his heart. He wanted to ease her pain in any way he could, and if this was the only way...

He crawled over her and brushed his lips against hers. All Elle could do was close her eyes.

Forget, forget, forget, forget, forget.

***

Elle looked at the soft,tan, beautiful body in front of her. What had she just done? Howie had made love to her. He was so sweet, and gentle...and he took care of her in every way possible. He wanted her to feel loved and needed, he wanted her to just feel.

She got out of bed quietly and wrapped a robe around her body. She felt horrible. She felt like the dirtiest, trashiest person on the planet. She knew Howie had put his entire heart and sould into making love to her at her request, and what did she do? She thought about AJ. She thought Howie would be the cure. She thought Howie would be able to make her forget the horrible things she had done to AJ, the way she had crushed his heart not only once but twice. She couldn't even look Howie in the eyes the entire time. Did he notice? She wondered how she had become this person, this person who couldn't let herself be loved by anyone so she had to push everyone away. She couldn't accept AJ's love, she couldn't accept Howie's. For God's sake she couldn't even love herself. But how could she after all the things she had done? She tried to deny the fact that she had used Howie, but deep inside, she knew she had.

Elle went over to the window and stared out at the sunrise. What was she even doing here? She glanced back over at Howie's sleeping form. He was curled up underneath the sheets, his mouth partially open, his sweet eyelashes curled against his cheeks. She didn't deserve the love that Howie gave her daily. She knew he needed better. He needed someone that could dedicate herself to him, and please him in ways she knew she never could. But yet, she continued to stay with him. She believed herself to be selfish, staying with him for protection and saftey. He ws so beautiful in every way possible. His soul was so giving, and she couldn't believe she had taken advantage of him.

What could she do now? She felt she had to leave. It seemed like the only way she could stop hurting the two men who had dedicated themselves to her. If she left they would never have to see her again and they could just move on. Elle walked over to her suitcase and started to pack quietly. If she could leave before Howie woke up, there would be no talking, and no pain.

"Elle, what are you doing?" She looked behind her and saw Howie sitting straight up in bed.

"Packing." She said simply.

"I thought you didn't have to leave until later." Howie leaned back on his hands and rested his head on his shoulder.

Elle shut her suitcase, "I don't."

"Then why don't you come back to bed babe. I only have a few hours left with you, I want to make the most of it." He smiled gently.

Elle ran a hand through her hair and sighed. Why couldn't she ever say no to him? She walked back over to the bed and sat beside him.

"I always feel like I have to drag you back into bed every morning. Why don't you ever just stay and relax? I don't even have rehersals for a few more hours. And then you've got to go."

She lowered her head. "I'm sorry."

He brushed her hair away from her neck, and placed a few kisses there. "Its okay. Are you feeling any better?" He looked up at her hopefully.

Oh those damn eyes of his. He was so happy, and all he wanted for her was the same happiness. She nodded, giving him a weak smile. He rested his head on her shoulder, and she allowed Howie's arms to wrap around her.

***

What could AJ possibly do now? He sat on a stool on the stage, twirling the microphone in his hands. He had officially lost one of the only things that made him feel like a person. His Elle was really everything to him and she always had been. Now that she had denied him once again, he knew it was really over. He had to force himself to accept the fact that she would no longer be a part of his life. All the things they had accomplished together, all the things they had taught eachother, were to be left in the past. AJ glanced over at Howie who didn't look to happy himself. AJ wondered what had even gone on with them after she ran away. He could only hope that Howie was not feeling the same pain AJ had felt for years.

It was finally time for AJ to move on.

Or so he thought.
Life Has Been Patiently Waiting by Abbey
*ONE YEAR LATER*

"Miss Richards, I am very pleased with your column this month and i have seen a huge improvement in your work over this past year. I would like to offer you a raise, and along with that I would like to extend your column into a two page spread. I think it would really boost Glamour's image. How does that sound to you?"

Elle stood in her boss' office first thing that Monday morning, completley shocked.

"Oh wow, I mean...thankyou." Elles face brightened at the thought of having her work over two pages in the magazine.

"So you'll take the offer then?"

Elle smiled, "Well yes! Thankyou so much, you have no idea how much this means to me."

Her boss stood up and shoook Elle's hand firmly.

"Now this doesn't start until the new year, but I would like to see a few of your ideas on my desk by the end of the day alright?"

Elle smiled, "Yes, of course. Thankyou."

She turned to walk out of her office.

"I'm really proud of you Elle, great work."

"Thankyou."

It had certainly been quite the year for Elle. it began with a new apartment in New York City, and continued with a year dedicated soley to her work. Elle worked all the time. When she wasn't working she was sleeping. She took her work from the office home everynight, worked on it unitl nine in front of the television, then checked her e-mail before going to bed early every night. A lot of her co workers urged her to come out with them and party on the weekends, but she always thanked them and said she was too busy. Elle didn't mind her everyday life, she had become accustomed to it and although it didn't always make her happy, it kept her mind off other things. That was until she tried falling asleep.

Elle knew leaving Howie would be the best thing for him. She was no good for him and her preoccupied mind only hurt him worse everday she stayed there. She did come to the conclusion that she did love him for the wonderful, giving man he is. She told him all this before he went to rehersal that horrible morning. The surprising thing was, he completley understood her and told her how much he loved her regardless of what she was doing. He told her he knew what she had to do and if it would make her happy then he would do it. She still cannot believe his his amazing heart to this day. She hated herself every second of the day for the mistakes and the stupid, selfish things she had done. But one thing was for sure...

Elle missed her best friend.
***

When the plane touched down in New York, AJ McLean had a smile on his face. He hadn't been this happy in a long time. He was meeting the Boys for some more recording and he was extremely excited about it. He had written a notebook full of songs and hoped to share some of his ideas with the guys. It had been one hell of a year for him, and after a break from his Backstreet duties for a few months, he was coming back with a clear head and couldn't wait to get back to work.

Suddenly AJ's phone rang, it was his mother. "Hey Mom."

"Hi Alex, have you landed yet?"

He smiled, "Yeah, we're just getting off right now."

"Well I hate to bring up an old subject, but you do know that Elle moved to New York City right?"

AJ's heart literally stopped in his chest. Shit. He had completley forgot, and he was actually not thinking of her, and he hadn't for quite some time.

"Oh...yeah."

"Well I doubt you'll have to worry about seeing her, the city is huge after all. I hear she's doing really well now though."

AJ shook his head trying to get out of the memory daze he was in, "She is?"

"Yeah she's got her own apartment, a pricey one too, she's really moved up. But anyway I just wanted to say good luck and have fun. Don't work to hard sweetie."

"Alright. Thanks mom."

"Love you."

"Love you too." AJ shut his phone. Oh great, just when he had come to the luxury of never thinking about her again, his own mother mentions she lives in the city now. And not only did she live there, she was doing well. But his mom was right, what were the chances of seeing her in a city full of thousands of people? Zero.

He did wonder though, if she really was doing any better.

A few hours later, AJ was checking in to the hotel where he would be staying for the next week, and he had finally convinced himself of the fact that he would not be seeing Elle. "There's no way," he kept telling himself.

AJ stepped off the elevator and started walking to his room, bags and suitcases in hand. "God I need to get a girlfriend," AJ smiled, thinking to himself. His eyes followed the back of a young woman who was dressed in a midlength black skirt, black high heels, and a short sleeve, black, button up top. He watched her body sway, and he couldn't help but smile. All of a sudden the woman shook her head and turned around, looking down at the paper in front of her. AJ stopped dead in his tracks, as a blank expression took over his face. The woman's head shot up to look ahead at the hallway of rooms, glancing quickly at AJ. Then she did a double take and stopped her tracks as well.

"Hi AJ."

AJ swallowed hard, "Hi Elle."
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