Out of all the things I fear and hate...boredom is the one that I hate the most.

It makes you think...about all sorts of things, people and memories. Either happy or sad.

And the ones you love but once lost.

There I was, sitting in the bedroom, allowing boredom to fill me up with all sorts of emotions. I looked out side the window, expecting to find another typical cloudy day in the winter, but instead the bright sun was high up in the sky, its brightness made my eyes water a bit.

The room was filling up with warmth by the sunlight. But even that couldn't cheer me up somehow. I don't like sunlight anymore...it reminds me of her smile, her laughter. I remember how we used to talk and laugh together about random, stupid yet funny things...

Thinking about them made me chuckle.

Wait a minute, I thought. No, don't, please, don't think about those stuff already, Nick, stop thinking about her- it's only going to make things worse. I said to myself and hit my own head lighly with my hands. But the more I try not to think, the more I do. And I hate myself for that.

Slowly, I walked over to the window to close the curtains. Taking a quick glance out at the street below, for a moment there, I thought I saw a familiar figure there standing beside the big oak tree, in her same old white jacket. I felt my heart all of a sudden pounding so hard against my chest like it was going to burst right through-

But the next moment it was gone.

I imaginate things. And I hate myself for that.

Quickly, I closed the curtains, forcing my self not to look back for a second time.

That was where I first kissed her......

I put my hands over my face.

"Why do you love me so much, Nick?" He heard the familiar voice in his head.
"Well, you see, you're just different from the other girls."
"How am I different?"
"Well let's see.....you're weird, you're crazy, you're total dork, because you're the one and only Claire!"
She laughed and leaned over for a kiss...

My cell phone suddenly started ringing, making me jump slightly and bringing me back to reality, back into my messy and dark bedroom. "Hello?" my voiced sounded cold, lost and full of sadness. Brian's voice came from the other end of the phone as I cleared my thoat loudly. "Well, Nick...I know this is probably no use, but I hope you're alright...getting over it...me and the guys are all worried about you. We know how you feel, okay?"

My throat felt sore. Since she left I've been almost shutting myself up from the rest of the world. I've almost forgot how much I missed the guys, how much I missed laughing with them, joke with them and singing with them. Those days were so great, so perfect yet seems like it's been forever ago. "Thanks. Brian."

"Take care. We love you." Brian hung up - there's really nothing else to say.

I let out a deep breath, got up and slowly walked toward the stairs. I missed the days when my life was perfect, when everything was going so well.

More and more memories popped into my head as I headed downstairs, wandering around the house aimlessly. I gave up, leting my self think about them and letting lost in them. They're so beautiful, yet painful to think about......

"Please don't ever leave me...without you I don't know what I'll do......"

I remember myself telling that to her. I meant it, I really did. What should I do now she's left me? I have no idea, I have no idea what should I do for the rest of my life. And I don't want to think about it either...sadness filled me up like a balloon slowly, my heart felt so empty, and so alone as if part of it was missing. And it was. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life with half of my heart missing? How am I supposed to survive without her...?

I felt my eyes going sore and some tears filling them up...

When I start crying, it's hard for me to stop. And I hate myself for that...

I just couldn't stand it anymore. My knees dropped to the ground as more and more tears rolled down my face one after another. I digged my face into my hands, feeling the pain deep within my heart. "Why? WHY? WHY?" I cried out loud, sobbing uncontrollably. Why, dear God, why? Why can't we just be together forever and ever, why? I've never loved someone so much in my whole life. I started hitting myself in the head and chest hard but it couldn't seem to numb the pain. COME BACK...PLEASE...I can't take it anymore... I started punching and kicking everywhere I could, the ground, the sofa, the air, myself....

I do crazy stuff when I'm really depressed. I hate myself for that.

I hate myself for everything...



After what seemed like forever, I started to quiet down.

There I was, sitting on the cold ground in my living room, dazing into the space with tears still rolling down my cheeks and dripping down my chin. My whole body hurts badly, but I didn't care. Feeling so alone and hopeless, I just sat there still, not moving a muscle. After my yellings and screamings the housed seemed awfully quiet.

Listening hardly into the quietness, I thought I heard some movements at the door.

"You're imagining things again." I scoffed.

The doorbell rang. My heart missed a bit. Could it be.....

I scoffed again. You're so stupid Nick.

And stop imagining things, for God's sake.

So i kept on sitting there, on the cold ground, my head was empty once more.


The doorbell rang again.

Then again.

Then non-stop knockings. It was so loud I was sure I wasn't imagining it this time.

Quickly, I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my hand. I don't like it when people see me cry. I sniffed hard, cleared my throat and opened the curtains to let in some blinding sunlight. "Alright, alright, I'm coming, Brian, or AJ, or whoever."


The door opened, I squinted under the bright sun to see who it was.

I gasped, eyes wide open. For a moment there I thought my heart actually stopped beating. Am I dreaming? I asked myself.

No. There she was, looking more beautiful than ever, still in her usual white jacket, her beautiful dark brown hair blowing in the wind, staring at me with her sparkling eyes. She looked as if she was about to cry.

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. My brain stopped working, I guess. For a moment there I thought I fainted. I shook my head hard. But just about when I was going to say something, she suddenly rushed up, gave me a rib-breaking embrace and burst into tears. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Nick..." she kept on saying it over and over again with that so familiar, so beautiful voice.

Tears rushed out of my eyes as we held eachother tightly, yet I was smiling so widely. My heart was filling up with excitement I thought it was going to explode. This must be one of the happiest moments of my life, I thought as I held her even tighter, feeling her heart pounding hard right next to mine, afraid she might leave me again.

"I'm sorry, I'm so stupid Nick, I didn't realize how much I love you until I left, I couldn't survive without half of my heart and soul..." she said and cried more. "Do I sound stupid? I know I do, I'm so stupid Nick..."

I carried her right up from the ground as I started laughing uncontrollably, twirling around and around......she broke into laughter as well, putting her arms around my neck.

Finally I put her down under the big oak tree. We didn't know what it was that was so funny, but we just kept on laughing and laughing together. "Well, say something!" she giggled.

I had so many things on my mind that I wanted to say but I couldn't decide which one to begin with.

"I love you." I simply said, pressing my lips against hers.

And there we were, kissing under the bright sun and the big oak tree.