Hitting the ground Hard...AJ style

AJ McLean walked out of the meeting with the boys not sure what to think. He had so many ideas, so many opinions on well... just about everything. The one thing he didn't have much of a thought about was their future. He was too worried about his real life. His real future. How could he let things get so out of hand?

AGAIN?

And that was the word in that little phrase that bothered him the most. Again. Hadn't he been through this before? Sarah had remained by his side. The constant companion, the person he wanted to be when he grew up. He loved her and admired her more then anyone. Sometimes even more then his own Mother. And boy for him that was saying a lot.

But he threw it all away. On one night.

One stupid night when he had lost all of his self confidence, one night when he had done everything in his power to remain sober. One night that started with him doing the right thing. Calling one of his sponsors. He really did think it was the right thing. When you feel like you are going to slip up, don't think about it, don't hesitate, call for help. Not just anyone either. Call someone how has been there. Call a confidant.

So he did.

He had called her. So used to remaining anonymous that even in his innermost thoughts he referred to her as only...her.

When they saw each other though, he was so busy fighting one addiction that he didn't realize the other one was standing right behind his back ready to attack with a longing so fierce that by the time he had figured it out, the deed had already been done.

They both felt so bad. He and her. Do they tell their significant others the truth? Or do they act as if nothing had happened?

He choose honesty. It had worked for him in the past. He was hoping it would work for him now in the present. So, he pulled all the strength he could find into the phone call he made to his fiance. The better part of himself.

"Hello?"

"Hi sweetheart"

"Where the hell were you? I have been worried sick!"

"I know...I'm sorry" He once again tried to curb his sudden need for a drink, or a joint or a fix...Anything.

"So? Where were you? I called your Mom when you never came home and we agreed to maybe call the police"

"I'm glad you didn't I am fine" There was a hesitation on the other line. She knew. He could tell because she knew him that well.

"Sarah baby, we need to talk when I get home..okay?" He felt himself choking back tears. The heavy breathing on the other line didn't help matters any.

"Okay" She had whispered.

So he went home where he sat down next to her and held her hand as he stumbled through the story. He had rehearsed it in the car a thousand times, but it still didn't sound right. That's because nothing about this was right.

After about the first few sentences, Sarah had turned away. She tried to pull her hands out of his, but he wouldn't let her. He felt it would be too symbolic. If he let go he might just lose her forever.

He did let go, he had no choice. She understood and had agreed to give him another chance but the wedding was off.

He gave her props for at least staying with him because admittedly he would not have done the same thing. In fact several of his girlfriends who had straggled from him into some other mans arms had soon found themselves in the street. Afterall, he was AJ McLean Backstreet Boy right? He could have anyone he wanted. Why give someone a second chance? It seemed like too much effort.

As he watched her pack her bags, filling them with things that they had both purchased as a pair, he begged her not to go.

Begged.

But as she left she gave him a hug. "I promise I will try to be here for you" was all she said as she walked out the door.

He stood at the door just looking at his empty driveway. At their empty driveway, not knowing what to do next. He felt vacant. Vacant and hungry. Not for food though, for love. He already missed her and she wasn't even gone for an hour.

How was he going to survive this?

He walked to his fridge hoping food could fill the void left by a broken heart but unsatisfied with anything he found, he choose to just go to his huge king sized bed and go to sleep.

Not sure how, he ended up sleeping on the floor next to the bed while his dogs. Their dogs, took his place on the bed.

Maybe he thought he didn't deserve to sleep in luxury after what he had done, or maybe it was more simple then that. Maybe he just couldn't bare to sleep in that bed without the better part of himself. The part that had walked out of his life.

Leaving him feeling incomplete and alone...

Hitting the Ground Hard...Kevin style!

Kevin Richardson walked out of the meeting with the boys with so many thoughts going through his mind. God he was happy that they had decided to put this record on hold. Not that he had any say in it mind you. It's the music business that really dictated what they should do. It was nice seeing them all again. They looked so healthy and happy, well most of them anyway, he thought as he got into his rental car.

He felt like he was on top of the world at the moment. His run in Chicago a complete success. No one thought he could do it. Not even HE thought he would be able to pull it off. At first he thought his agent had made a mistake when it was him that got the call. Weren't they looking for Nick or something? Not the old one. The one who never got to sing much.

But it was Kevin they wanted and just a few short auditions later he was on his way to New York. To live out one of his biggest dreams ever. This was one of the biggest things he had ever hoped for. Something he had pictured himself doing when he was a young boy. Back then it wasn't normal for young boys to picture themselves singing and dancing.

He always had to hide his dreams.

Not from his family though, no they had been so supportive of everything he did. But from his friends. Always from his friends.

But when he got that call there was no hiding, only celebrating. They were all so proud. "Your father would have been so proud" He had heard his Mother echo over and over again on the phone through tears of joy.

He cried right along with her. He knew his father would have loved to see this day happen. But he had missed so many milestones. Kevin was getting used to it.

So he had happily rented a small one bedroom condo for himself and his wife and moved to the Big Apple. The place where dreams are made, or broken.

Living in the city had it's great advantages. He was so close to it all. The smells, the sights, the sounds, the people. And most of all, the music.

God he loved music.

He loved being able to run out to a jazz club at all hours of the night, no one much caring who he was. Everyone was a name in New York. They all kind of canceled each other out. Living in Manhattan made him feel free.

It also had it's disadvantages.

Being so close to everything meant also hearing every little thing. Hearing word of mouth all the woes that his group was going through. All hear say but yet still spreading throughout the music community like wildfire.

The Backstreet Boys are finished.

That was the general consensus from everyone. Whether his group felt like that or not. The music world was ready to write them off. He panicked about it the first time he had heard it floating around some random night club. Because that is what he did best.

Panic.

He tried to hold his tongue as he heard other people in the industry, some label mates, some supposedly friends, talking about his group like they were a piece of garbage.

He could no longer bite his tongue.

"Excuse me, you mind?" He had said, beer slightly slurring his speech.

"Hey man, sorry, I didn't know you were in here" The pop star said.

"That shouldn't matter" Kevin had answered, level headed but very stern. Two traits he wore well.

The next day word traveled that Kevin and his intense attitude problem were out of control. By the time he had gotten to his call at the theater, his cast had already heard the rumors. They didn't ask but they looked at him differently. A little.

"Don't worry about it Kevin, people are stupid" His wife told him in the midst of signing autographs after the show. "These are the people that count",

He did try to focus his attention on the fans that were waiting for him outside just then, but the nagging feeling of failure kept finding it's way into his psyche. Taking pictures with people who adored him but listening to the whispers of the people who adored to hate him.

"What is HE doing in this thing?"

"God if I had known there was a boyband guy in it I would have never gone"

"What kind of bio is that for a show like this? Ooh so he sang on the Grammys what does that have to do with Broadway?"

Suddenly those voices, the voices of failure, far outshined the good things he had heard. Making him just want to scream. He felt bad that the last few weeks he remained in New York, he had spent them defending his band, his career and his very existence to people.

How fair was that?

All he wanted was to live out one of his dreams...

Hitting the Ground Hard...Howie Style!

Howie Dorough walked out of the meeting with the boys feeling desperate. Why couldn't they just all come together? It really wasn't that hard was it? He wanted the meeting to continue, hoping it would reach any other outcome but the decision they had ultimately come to.

Go on an open ended break.

He felt like his break had been long enough. He got to do so many constructive things while on hiatus. So many things for his sister. He was going to make conquering Lupus his main goal. If nothing else, he would make sure that he accomplished that much.

But now he was ready. Ready to get back to business. He had actually marked off the days on the calendar. Anticipating the day that they would all come together again as The Backstreet Boys.

So, when he had heard everyone so eagerly agree to this open ended break he was heart broken. Why hadn't this group meant as much to them as it did to him?

When he signed on to do something, even in elementary school, he would put everything into it. Even when other kids would make fun of him, like the time he decided to take home economics, all the other boys who had decided to take that class along with Howie, had all dropped because of constant teasing. Not Howie though, even though he would be called everything from a sissy to a momma's boy, it didn't matter because he was in it for the long haul.

That's how he was.

He just wished that the other guys felt the same way. Didn't they hear how when people referred to the Backstreet Boys, they would always use past tense? Didn't they hear that they were being categorized with the music businesses biggest failures? Didn't they hear the boos from the same kids that used to cheer for them?

They were running out of time.

It didn't seem to matter though, the other guys seemed to be doing just fine. Howie, however felt like something was missing.

He tried to fill the void with work. Just exchanging interviews and press junkets for charity cruises and real estate ventures. He had been highly successful at both.

But yet something was still missing.

He tried to fill the void by spending extra time with his family. Helping his Mom and dad around their house. Taking his brother on a vacation to Spain, agreeing to baby sit his nieces and nephews so that his sister and her husband can have some one on one time. He also spent a lot of time with Caroline's kids. Hoping to fill the emptiness that her death had caused them.

Something was still missing.

It ate him up at night when he should have been resting comfortably in his beautiful condo overlooking the ocean. He would close his eyes to the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore. Sounds that he hoped would help him rest.

Nothing helped anymore.

He had insomnia. He always suffered from it, which is why he so easily fell asleep during the day at the drop of a hat. The boys teased him about it. They thought it was pretty funny that he could sleep through anything. They didn't know it was because he was too thoroughly exhausted to stay awake.

Ever since he had been deemed a failure by the music industry, the insomnia intensified. He would lie in bed, his body exhausted from a day of running from one event to the other, but his mind would wander once the lights went out.

What could I have done to make things different?

That's usually the first question that popped into his head. Followed by a whole list of jumbled thoughts or ideas. If he were more set in his ways, if he were more of the leader then a happy follower, if he were more direct and forceful. If he were more persuasive, then maybe things would be different. He wasn't though and neither were those things.

Everything remained the same.

So, he would rise with the dawn, take a long bath while listening to calming rain forest sounds in his headphones and start his day. Trying no to think about the huge mistake they were making. Trying not to let it get to him so much.

All he wanted was for things to go back to the way they were....

Hitting the Ground Hard...Brian Style!

When Brian Littrell walked out of the meeting with the boys, he was already running late. He had told Leighanne that the meeting would take no longer then two hours at the most. That all they had to do was go over some details and mutually decide to continue the hiatus. He knew that it was something they all wanted so he knew there would be no arguing, just a short and simple business meeting.

Two hours tops.

But when he had gotten there and started catching up with the guys, some of which he hadn't seen or spoken to in quite some time, he found that the meeting was more of a catch up session. He was happy about that too.

He had grown tired of meetings filled with arguing about things they had never argued about before. Money, profits, advertising.

It had gotten old.

But seeing everyone all rested and happy brought a little light into the dark world he had considered his job. They spent their time laughing, and reminiscing about the old days. Most of the conversation was focused on him and his son. He kept a wallet full of pictures to show people he felt had earned the right to look. The guys of course had earned that right.

They oogled over his son, like he was the most beautiful baby they had ever seen. That had made him feel good. But when he looked at his watch and saw that they had been together just chatting for over four hours, he knew there would be hell to pay.

So he had said his goodbyes and left abruptly, like he always seemed to do these days.

He picked up his phone, which he had turned off when the meeting began, to see that his wife had called him three times. Not even hesitating, he dialed his number hoping she wouldn't be that mad.

She was.

"Where the hell have you been?"

"Sorry babe. The meeting went a little over"

"A little over?"

"Okay, a lot over. Sorry"

"What the heck kind of meeting takes four hours Brian?"

He debated on telling her some of the stories he heard. How much everyone seemed to be doing with their lives, how happy they all were. But he didn't.

She wouldn't really care.

"I am on my way back now"

"Good, we miss you honey" He had smiled. It felt to good be loved and missed.

"I miss you guys too" He had said and then hung up.

His life had changed so much. Being a daddy could do that to somebody. Now he had this little person who depended on him for everything. And he loved it.

It was the job he had always wanted.

He remembered when Leigh first told him the news. He had cried for an hour. At times uncontrollably. Then when he had told his parents, he cried some more. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. Then when his son had finally entered the picture, things had only gotten better. Holding his son in his hands brought a smile that only a father could understand.

While things with the baby and his wife were going great, he had noticed that everything else around him had stopped.

He missed his friends.

He had Leighanne's friends. She insisted that they start hanging around with NORMAL people because she felt that his view of life was so obscured by his fame. So they would go out on these little outings with Leighanne and her best friends while the husbands tagged along. She would have the time of her life but he would be miserable.

He had nothing in common with these people. As much as his wife wanted them to pretend they were just your everyday ordinary couple. The ring on her finger and the mansion they lived in didn't fit the image she wanted so hard for them to portray.

A normal nuclear family.

She didn't like the guys he worked with. She didn't like when he brought his work home with him. She felt like he needed two worlds like most normal people have. The work world and then the home life. Having the two paths constantly cross was not a good thing.

So he did what she had requested.

On a normal Backstreet day, he had told Nick, who he had made it routine to go shoot hoops with, that tonight he would just be going home. Nick had seemed a little put off but he understood.

But when little by little the four of them would go out after work and Brian would decline, he found he was asked less and less often to the point that no one would even mention it to him anymore.

It didn't matter though, because what he wanted more then anything else was waiting for him at home.

He wasn't sure when it started to matter to him, but one day, it just did. He had the yearning to go out on the town with one of the guys. Any one of them. He liked them all equally. But Leighanne would have none of it. She had said absolutely not. Go find a different bunch of friends, these guys will get you nowhere.

These guys will get you nowhere?

These guys had lead them to each other. Without them, Brian and Leighanne would have never met. But yet she dismissed them and he let her.

So he sat at home, night after night, rocking his new born son to sleep while Leigh went out with her friends. He would close his eyes and smile at the way he used to act. The carefree fun way he had always looked at things. The way he always found something to smile about.

Before he became so serious.

All he wanted was to find that guy again. Be that guy again...

Hitting the Ground Hard...Nick Style!

When Nick Carter walked out of the meeting with the boys he felt good. Revitalized and happy. He wanted to show them that he was happy despite what the record sales might have reflected. He wanted to make a point.

He was doing this because he wanted to do it, not for the success.

So he had gone to that meeting smiling ear to ear. Chuckling the whole time over every little thing anyone said. Maybe he was taking it too far, but he didn't care. They needed to see him happy. It was that important to him.

He had skipped out on almost all the meetings leading up to this big one. He almost didn't show to this one either. What was the point? He was only there to agree.

He remembered a time not even that long ago, that he would have had a little fit if the guys had wanted this long of a break. Now he was the biggest supporter of it. He had his own life now.

And he liked it.

So, after saying his brief goodbyes and having a nice dinner with Howie and AJ, Nick left to go back home. He loved being home. That's where his friends were, his boat was and his freedom.

That is something he always felt he lacked growing up... freedom.

Now it seemed like he was pretty much free to do anything he wanted. Anytime he wanted. He decided to have a party to celebrate the hiatus. Any excuse for a party was good enough for him. So he called up his friends, most of which he barely knew. Kind of a friend of a friend type thing, and he had a huge party.

Monstrous was a better word for it.

He had enough property that he could make as much noise as he wanted and no one would complain. So he did.

Over 100 people showed up for the party. Pretty good considering it was planned in less then two hours. He sat back and watched as people he didn't even know jumped into his pool from the roof, played basketball, and danced on his tables. Knocking down things that were really expensive in the process. What was money though?

It meant nothing.

He made out with girl after girl. Nothing too intense just some innocent fun. The girls seemed to like it and so did he. No commitments, no I love you's just fun.

He was all about fun.

Fun was something he didn't have much of as a kid. That was until he realized at 23 he was still a kid. He decided after that realization that he would have as much fun as possible. You only live once.

Why not live hard.

After about his tenth beer, he decided to maybe try his hand at some poker. A game was heating up now in one of his many rooms that he hardly even used. He sat down and joined in. Putting $100 bills down as he lost.

He always lost.

He would do it purposely because some of his friends, people he had known for a long time, would never ask for money. He would find tricky ways like losing it to them at poker, to help them out. It made him smile and feel good, that's why he did it.

"You lose again Carter!" They always said grabbing the money from the table and pocketing it. Nick would only wink and smile.

The party went on until 5am. He wished it would go on longer. But by 5 they had all left. Leaving him alone with a huge mess. He kicked it aside and made his way back to his bedroom. Looking at his bed, he turned around and headed back down the stairs. Maybe he could find another party somewhere. It was early for most but for some night owl's, like he had become. It was still party time.

He liked to party.

So, he drove around the still deserted streets near his home and looked for a place that was opened. Seeing none he gave up hope and made his way back home. But suddenly, home didn't have the same appeal.

It was empty. Just like him.

So he turned and walked toward the beach instead. Grabbing another bottle of beer for the walk. The beach was lovely at this time of morning.

And Empty.

If he wanted to, he could take all of his clothes off and jump into the water. No one would even know. That was something he wouldn't do though. He would need a few more beers before that happened.

So he just sat with his empty beer bottle and listened to the waves crashing against the rocky shore. Resting his head on his knees. Wanting so bad to talk to someone, anyone who could take his mind of of things.

All he wanted to do was be happy...

On the beach with AJ

Sleep did not come easily to AJ after Sarah left. Nothing came easy to AJ after Sarah left. When he would look at a picture on his wall, he would think back to the time and place it was taken. Smiling about something she had said to him or the way she had smelled at the time.

It was all too painful.

He walked around his house, breathing Sarah. She was everywhere. Around every corner, in every closet, on every bed, her clothes, her hair, her shampoo still lying next to the tub. He had wished that she had taken it all away, but at the same time, the positive side of him. A side that was barely there anymore, looked at it as some kind of sign.

She would be back.

But she hadn't even called. It had been a long time now, since she had walked out the door, promising him that she would try to stick by him. And everyday that passed, he found himself realizing that it was over.

He had lost her.

The best thing in his life was gone. And why? Because of his lack of self control. The same lack of self control that was showing it's face now as he sat on his living room sofa, holding a beer in his hand. He had worked so hard to clean himself up, he had put so many people through so much.

He didn't take a sip.

Instead he walked over to his sink and emptied the contents down the drain. It would follow the other two he had already dumped today. Three times he almost lost himself again.

Three times he didn't.

Instead he decided he needed to get out of his house, so he grabbed his keys, got into Sarah's favorite car, and headed for the beach.

He only found himself driving this car nowadays. None of the other ones carried as many memories for him. And he needed those memories. He needed to feel like Sarah was still there. Any way that he could.

She loved taking long drives in this car. It was something they did whenever they had a fight. The yelling and screaming that would go on would send the dogs scattering to opposite ends of his mansion. Sometimes they were long too. A fight could last forever because they were so stubborn. The both of them.

"Let's just cool down and go for a ride" She would say. That's how he knew a make up was soon on the way. And they always made up. No matter how serious or stupid the fight, he knew Sarah would eventually say those words, "Let's cool down and go for a ride"

He was hoping those words would come the night she left. As he watched her pack her things, crying. He hoped that she would say "Let's go for a ride baby, let's work things out"

It never happened though. And that's how he knew it was over.

He turned down the rode which headed to the beach. The beach they would eventually end up on after they cooled off. Just like the car, the beach held so many memories. He took off his shoes and walked down to the sand.

He was not a beach person by trade. It didn't suit him at all. He was more of an all night karaoke bar person. But Sarah loved the beach. Not even so much getting into the water. She loved the way the sand felt as it filtered through her toes. She said it felt like a form of massage therapy.

He walked along the sand just close enough to smell the briny ocean but far enough to not have to walk on the dried up seaweed.

He wished that he could appreciate the water as much as his fiance.

His ex fiance.

It was time for him to start referring to her as his ex. They weren't a couple anymore. In his mind they were, but in his mind they would always be. Not only weren't they even a couple anymore but they were barely friends.

He had called her several times at first. And being polite she had answered and talked briefly before making up some excuse to have to get off the phone. Now she would just let her phone ring and ring and ring.

So he decided to leave her alone.

AJ took in a big breath and smiled at the smell of the water. The ocean smelled like peace. That's what Nick had said one day in a moment of quiet stillness. It was deep. It was profound and it had stuck in AJ's head.

The ocean smelled like peace.

He turned around and headed back to his car. He didn't deserve to be at peace. Maybe he would go get another tattoo. He had been thinking about it for a while. Maybe a huge spider. Something evil. Something daunting. Menacing and uneasy to look at.

That was him.

So he walked away from the calm serenity of the ocean and headed to a tattoo parlor...

On the beach with Kevin

Kevin absolutely loved spending time with Kristin. He loved it more than anything, so he was bummed that she was in New York. Bummed at the fact that she was working and he wasn't.

He was going to travel back up there but decided against it. He figured time alone would be a good thing for him. He hadn't had much free time lately. Even with the hiatus, he had kept extremely busy. Chicago being the thing that took up most of his time.

All the time in the world now though.

He had told his agent, after is favorable reviews in Chicago, that he would be willing to look at any acting offers that were thrown his way. He had the confidence he needed.

At least he thought he did.

He was naive at first. Just like he was when he got into this business in the first place. He assumed that anything he wanted he would get. No offers had come though. Little things like national tours and smaller less established companies were interested in him, but nothing like the scope a Broadway show gave him. Or the Backstreet Boys.

Both things larger than life.

So, as the days passed by he grew less and less confident and more and more weary of his talents.

To take his mind off things he journeyed to the beach. He couldn't remember the last time he had been there just for the sake of going. No stupid photo shoot, no promotional stop, just relaxation. He loved sitting there on the sand, letting the waves rush in to hit his feet.

One of the perks to living in California, was being this close to the ocean. It seemed you couldn't really go anywhere in this state without eventually falling into the ocean. He thought about brining a surfboard. But not wanting to draw attention to himself he decided against it.

He laid his towel down and sat watching the waves.

Picking up stones he tossed them making them skip through the water. He did that with his father on countless trips to the lake near his home as a child. The men of the Richardson household gone fishing, his dad used to kid. He would say that, before giving Mom a peck on the cheek and whispering something sweet into her ear.

They would spend the entire day at the lake. Fishing, swimming, and bonding. He and his older brothers listening to his father's tales. Sometimes his dad would go on and on about the silliest things, but it never bothered Kevin. He would sit and listen for hours. Long after Jereld and Tim would grow board and go off by themselves. He would stay behind.

"You're a good boy Kevin" Dad would tell him patting his head and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "I love you son"

That's why Kevin always associated water with the people he loved and cared about. So it was normal for him now to think about his father as the waves crashed against the rockwall off to his side.

He thought about his father all the time, but it seemed to happen more often these days. He would find himself stealing a look up into the clouds before he did anything. Still seeking his father's approval. Waiting for that pat on the head followed by "You're a good boy Kevin, I love you son"

He wondered what his father would have thought about all of this.

Glancing at his watch he smiled. He had all the time in the world but yet he always felt rushed. Nothing to do, nowhere to be, but it didn't matter. Relaxing felt like failure. So he pulled himself off the sandy ground, picked up his towel and headed for home. Maybe a call from his agent would be waiting for him.

Maybe a call from Kristin.

As he walked away, he once again glanced up to the sky, seagulls were flying directly over his head. He took that as a sign that dad was watching.

Watching and proud...

On the beach with Howie

Howie sat on the balcony right off of his bedroom, it was the early break of dawn. The sky a magnificent dull pink. The moon still visible through the clouds, but now being overshadowed by the waking sun.

This was his favorite time of day. The quiet and stillness of the world as dawn broke, almost brought tears to his eyes every morning.

It was beautiful.

He took a sip from his cup of hot tea, holding his hands around it hoping it would help to warm him. Not that it was cold, on the contrary, it was very warm, already. Warm and humid, but for some reason no matter what the temperature outside, he always got the chills first thing in the morning.

He was so glad that he purchased this condo. With so many properties carrying his name, this place had always been his favorite. He pictured this place being the one he would give to his child one day.

As a present.

All that he had worked for culminating in the look on the face of his son or daughter as he handed him or her the keys. He guessed he would have to settle for giving it to a niece or nephew instead. But he was okay with that.

When he made the choice to take on this lifestyle, he had also made a choice not to sacrifice anyone else's happiness because of that. He knew how hard it was to be in this business and maintain a sane, happy relationship. He saw it in the high level of divorce.

When he first got a look at how busy his schedule would be, he had to make that choice. No matter how painful. He would not put somebody he loved through all that.

So he didn't.

He choose the single life and for the most part it suited him just fine. Casual dating, nothing more. The only time he felt himself longing for the real deal, was in these wee hours of the morning. How nice it would be for his wife to be hugging him from behind. Kissing his neck as they both looked out at the beautiful sky.

He pushed the thought aside. Knowing it was too late for all of that and ventured into his bedroom to get dressed. He felt like he needed to be close to the water today. Not entirely sure why. But he thought he would take a good old fashioned walk on the beach before anyone was even up. So he put on a pair of jeans, the only time he would get caught dressing so casual, a hooded sweatshirt and his sneakers and headed off to the beach below.

He walked down the white sandy beach against the oncoming wind. Walking slowly and looking at the small shells at his feet. He stopped to pick one up. It was gray, purple and had a hint of blue to it.

Nature could produce the most beautiful things.

He put it into his pocket and kept walking. A smile formed on his lips as he thought about the first time he had collected seashells. He was about six maybe and he was absolutely horrified to pick up one, afraid that at any moment something would crawl out of one of those shells and bite him. He remembered laughing when he had heard Brian almost give the same story about his first time collecting seashells.

It's funny how similar their lives were. Even before they knew each other.

Now Brian was a husband and father. Two things that Howie had forbid himself to become. It seemed to be working for Brian though.

Maybe he had made a mistake.

Maybe he could find the love of his life and settle down. Afterall he wasn't even thirty yet. Still young enough to find happiness. He had turned so many people away in his lifetime. So many people he had fallen head over heels in love with.

But he had done it for them.

No, it's too late for love. He found himself thinking as he continued to walk down the beach, hands in his pockets and head buried in his sweatshirt.

The pink of the newborn morning gave way to the blueness of the time when life happens. When normal people, with regular lives, start to get ready for work or school. Husbands kissing wives goodbye.

Feeling like he didn't have the right to be out there anymore, he made his way back to his home...

On the beach with Brian

It took some persuading to let Leighanne even agree to a little family outing at the beach. He had begged her, pleading his case saying it would do them all a world of good just for the change of scenery. She had been reluctant, not wanting to take their son out in public. But Brian had been persuasive and in the end, they piled into their newly purchased minivan and headed for the beach.

Brian laughed at Baylee's facial expressions as his son slapped the water making it hit his nose. Nothing much topped watching a child go into the water for the first time. The look of total fascination, scared at first but then quickly jubilant. Most of all that look of reassurance. Looking up into his father's eyes and knowing that as long as he was in those protective hands, he would be safe.

He wished he had packed that video camera.

But he was in a rush. Afraid that if he even took more then a beat to get in the car and go, his wife might change her mind. And he needed to get away. Even if only for the day.

He felt isolated.

Before this, he was never alone. Always having at least ten people there at all times. Band mates, bodyguards, agents, publicists. Everyone there just to tell him where to go and what to do. He thought he hated that lifestyle. Never feeling like an adult. Always treated like a child. That was the one thing he was happiest about when he left that behind.

Being his own person.

He looked forward to getting up whenever he wanted to and eating whatever he felt like eating. He looked forward to being able to spend time alone with the people he loved. Not having to worry who was lurking around every corner.

The sound of his son laughing brought him back to the here and now. He looked down at Baylee and kissed the top of his head as his child continued to splash in the water. Squinting, he looked for his wife. She was laying on the beach in her bikini under an umbrella. Sound asleep.

She was beautiful.

He loved spending every waking moment with his wife and child. Hours doing nothing. Sometimes not even getting dressed they would sit in the living room and watch television. Leigh making a big vat of popcorn while Brian rattled off useless sports trivia facts to his son.

They were a real family.

But always, in the back of his mind like a dull aching, he missed that other life. He longed for the attention, the screams, the guys. He missed playing endless hours of Nintendo and eating pizza at three in the morning. He missed people caring about what he was going to do or say next.

Now that it was gone he missed it.

He picked up his son, now holding him to his chest and walked back to where his wife was resting. He laid Baylee down on the blanket and kissed Leigh on the neck. She laughed.

"Leigh, What about you and I going out and having some fun tonight?" She never even opened her eyes.

"What do you have in mind?" Just by the inflection in her voice, he could tell that he was not going to get his way this time.

"I don't know. I was thinking maybe you and I can go to a movie or maybe play basketball or something"

"Brian, don't be silly. Isn't this good enough for you?"

It wasn't.

He sighed deeply before snuggling next to his wife. The baby placed right in between them. He was so happy.

But yet so empty...

On the beach with Nick

He fell asleep on the beach. Waking up with the salty taste of sand on his tongue. He wasn't sure how long he had been sleeping but the intense heat of the sun whispered that it was around noon. He slowly sat himself up, closing his eyes to trick his hangover into believing that he was still asleep.

The people passing him by could have mistaken him for a homeless person.

That's how disheveled and messy he was. His hair sticking straight up on his head, some matted to his drool stained face and some knotted with sand.

He still had no desire to go home though. He sat and faced the waves and smiled as he watched two kids about six years old running away from the water as it slowly approached their feet.

Had he ever been that young? That innocent?

Stretching his long legs out in front of him he noticed the bruises left behind from another night of endless partying. Maybe he was ramming into furniture, maybe he was wrestling. He couldn't remember. All he knew was he was sore. Of course sleeping on the beach didn't help either.

He stood up and shook some of the sand off of his clothes. He would be finding sand on and in him all day. Sand and bad press, the two things that stuck with you forever, no matter how hard you tried to get rid of them.

He laughed at how deep that was. A deep thought from Nick Carter yet, no one there to hear it. He walked away from the small crowd and concentrated on a tuft of land off in the distance.

He wondered how long it would take for him to make it to that place. If it was closer then it appeared or just out of his grasp.

It seemed like everything was just out of his grasp.

He decided to go for it anyway and began the walk to the unknown little green mirage that waited for him. Why not? He had nothing better to do.

On the way he passed by a few patches of people. Most were families, some were by themselves. None of them noticed him. If they did, they kept it to themselves. He kind of liked that though.

Anonymity.

Blending in just like everybody else, normal kid. Normal life. He wondered what it would be like to share an apartment with a few regular guys. If he would be the cool one or the one that no one wanted to hang around with. He seemed to come off that way to people.

A nuisance.

Even those closest to him couldn't profess to understanding what went on in his head. People were easily put off by his immaturity, his hyperactivity and his stupidity. He bowed his head down and smiled. If Kevin had heard him refer to himself as stupid he would have been bat upside the head.

But Kevin wasn't there. No one was.

So Nick just kind of went about being a free, misunderstood spirit. He didn't mind it actually. To him it felt like it added and air of mystery. He made it a joke in the long list of things he had decided to let slide off of his back. Things like that were not going to get him down. No way.

He was able to make out the thatch of land he was moving closer to. From where he was when he first started walking, it looked like it was at the end of the beach, but now that he had moved downslope a bit, he was able to see that it was clear in the middle of the water.

He laughed out loud.

Just out of his grasp.

Turning, he headed back the way he came. Squinting because of the blinding sun. He needed to go home and go to bed. It was too bright for him today. He needed to rest up for tonight. Maybe he would have another party. It would give him an excuse to not be alone and that was something he was not very good at.

Truth is there were too many things he was not very good at to even keep track of. He placed his hands in his pockets and kicked at the sand as he walked. He felt like a failure. Not just now, on days when he was too hungover to think but all the time.

Yes, he decided as he watched a crab fight it's way out of the ocean onto the sand, tonight would be another night for celebration...

A missed call from Sarah

AJ sat in the darkened movie theater, happy he had opted for a movie instead of a tattoo. On the way to his regular tattoo artist, he had lost the inspiration. So he called and canceled. When he had looked up from his cell, he noticed that he was parked directly in front of a movie theater.

It was one of those old ones. Not like the megaplexes today. NO, AJ couldn't ever set foot in one of those things without causing a scene. But of course he hadn't even tried. Almost afraid that he would go unnoticed.

AJ liked attracting attention.

The boys used to get annoyed with him when he was younger. Always saying things to bring attention to himself and detract it away from the others. He had always insisted it was just the way he was.

That was a lie.

He really did it to figure out WHO he was. Always hoping that if he tried just one more hair color or one more tattoo or body piercing, he would suddenly have a lightbulb moment and say, Ah Yes! This is the real me. The real Alexander McLean.

It never worked.

As he grew older, standing out had meant less and less to him. The only thing that mattered really was happiness. He had found that once he happened upon happiness, he grew comfortable being in his own skin.

Funny what love can do.

He snickered as he took another sip of his Coke. Love was so idealistic. So overdone,
he thought as he sat and watched the old black and white classic unfolding before him. Casablanca. He had heard of the movie, heard that it is was this great movie. The movie of all movie's. So when he noticed the title above the theater, he felt like maybe it was destiny that brought him to this place. Especially since he bought his ticket not five minutes before show time.

Had to be destiny.

He was all alone in the theater. So old that it didn't even have cup holders. He sat with his popcorn between his legs and his Coke in his hands as he watched. Almost enthralled.

After the show, he walked out feeling refreshed. He had made a good choice.

As he strapped on his seat belt, he looked down at his cell and saw her number. She had called, while he was sitting and watching the movie. Holding it up closer to his eyes, just in case he misread the number, he looked again. He smiled when he saw he got it right. Quickly he checked to see if she had left a message and once again flashed a smile when she had.

"Hello Alex. Just thinking about you and...well...I don't know where you could possibly be but..I don't know...I guess I shouldn't have called. Sorry to bother you. Bye"

AJ didn't want to take the phone away from his ear. He missed her voice. The way she always had a tinge of rasp in it. It was sexy. He had always joked with her that she could always become one of those dirty talk 900 girls. Her voice drove him wild.

He quickly dialed her cell phone hoping he would get her, but part of him wanting to get her voice mail instead. He breathed in a sigh of relief when he heard her message playing back. The one he had gotten so frequently in their time together. Only Sarah would be so busy that she would need a cell phone for her cell phone.

He just sat there and stuttered over his words. Not exactly sure what to say, wanting to use the opportunity to beg for her forgiveness again and plead for her to take him back. But ironically, he found himself hanging up. Choosing not to say a thing. He would try her later.

Maybe it was destiny.

Maybe he was supposed to miss that phone call. Maybe that was the best thing that could have happened. He slipped the phone back into his pocket and headed home where at least three more bottles of beer were waiting to be dumped down the drain...

A missed call from AJ

Kevin decided to busy himself with cleaning today. His basement looked more like a big garbage dump and he felt like it was time to go through everything and throw all unnecessary things away. So he put on his outdoor handy man gloves, as Kristin liked to call them, and carrying three huge garbage bags, went on a mission to clean.

He could count on one hand the amount of time that HE actually cleaned this house. Constantly away from the moment they had purchased it. Their first house together. They had lived in apartments, and huge condo's as a couple but nothing much beat having your own house. And one thing was for sure, Kevin could definitely afford it.

One thing his Father had always bore into his three children was that you weren't truly a success in life unless you could support your family. After purchasing not only his first house but then one for his Mom, a small summer cottage she could escape to from time to time that was very close to his brother Tim, he had realized that he had in fact become that success.

All he ever wanted, all he ever dreamed about had come true.

Factor in the love of his life and Kevin was sitting pretty. They would always be financially stable, no matter what happened. They would always have this place to live. He sat down next to a pile of junk Indian style, just like how he sat when he was a kid. And the first thing he happened upon in the midst of that junk was a poster for their first show ever in Orlando.

He picked it up and smiled.

The good old days. He ran his hand on the surface, remembering how small they all were. They had grown up together. His eyes happened upon the look of disgust he had on his face. They were all smiling, but he wasn't. He looked like he would rather be anywhere else.

Maybe back then that's what he thought.

The idea of being pigeonholed with a group of kids was not something he had wanted to do. It took some heavy persuasion for him to change his mind. And ironically it had come from his older brother.

"You are being given the opportunity to live out your dreams, why are you not going to do it?" Jerald had asked him one Sunday afternoon after church. He had come home to be close to everyone after his father's death.

"It's so far away. I think I should move back home for Mom" He had said tears in his eyes at the thought of not saying the word parents in present tense any longer.

"She wouldn't want you here, she wants you to be happy kiddo. We all do" He had pat Kevin's back firmly. This meant I love you in Richardson speak. And those few sentences had sparked him to make the decision of is lifetime.

One he was grateful for. Most times.

There were moments he had wanted to just leave, never looking back. Good riddance. Sometimes especially when it came to Nick and AJ, he had all he could do to hold his tongue. Constantly having to remind himself that they were just children. Now he found himself patting Nick's head. He was tiny, now a grown man.

Time flies.

He decided to put the poster aside. Not ready to part with it. He probably would never part with it. Tons of memorabilia he had kept from show after show kept popping up as he threw away some and kept others. He was a pack rat. It drove his wife nuts, just like it used to drive his Mom nuts. Now he found it was driving him nuts. So many things he had to sort through he felt overwhelmed by it all.

Overwhelmed by his success.

He stood up and decided to take a little break. Maybe he would make himself a sandwich. He climbed up his stairs and ventured into his huge kitchen. It was a cook's dream. Everything you had ever wanted, every kitchen gadget ever made, lived in his kitchen.

Still unopened.

He walked over to his pantry and as he did, noticed that the red light on his answering machine was flashing. Everyone he knew teased him because of his machine. He loved it though. Why hire someone to take your calls when you are going to be home to get them yourself?

He was hoping it was his agent or his wife. Something good. He walked over and hit the button.

"Hi Kev, it's J" Kevin frowned at the serious tone his friend had. He didn't like that tone, to him it never meant anything good.

"Listen....uh..I was wondering if you could maybe call me back. I really just need to talk"

Without hesitation, Kevin picked up his phone and dialed AJ's number, staring at one of his newer posters as he did it. This one they had all looked as jaded as Kevin had in the first one. Innocence lost.

They had come so far, and had meant so much to him.

"Hi J, I'm hear buddy talk to me...."

A missed call from Kevin

Howie had been on the phone all morning. He liked to conduct his business calls first thing in the morning because that was when he felt like his mind was the most clear. It also gave him a chance to focus on things. Things other then the waiting game he seemed to be playing with his record company. He was a patient man by all accounts, definitely the most patient of the Doroughs or the Backstreet Boys. But nowadays, he actually found himself having to bite his tongue when it came to the lax way his management were handling things.

This was his life!

This wasn't some little dispute or anything. This was hindering his success. Yet, no one seemed to care except for him. He tried to call several group meetings, tried to schedule countless conference calls with the guys but he was always shot down. Maybe some other time D.

He pushed those thoughts out of his mind. He had other things to deal with today. A huge venture. His name possibly attached to a casino in Las Vegas. That would be something else. He went to check his messages, To see if he missed any important calls, when to his surprise, he heard Kevin on the other line

"Hi Howie..Hope all is good for you. Just wanted to wish you luck with your big meeting today bro, I know it will go well"

Howie hesitated briefly before deleting the message. He decided he would save that one. It was nice that Kevin took time out of his schedule to call. Just to let him know he wasn't forgotten. And that was one thing that Howie always felt.

Forgotten.

He was the one, no one much cared about in the group. It was no big mystery. Sure he had his own following of older mature fans, but by far in the public's eye, he was the least popular. Always passed up in interviews, always overlooked in videos. Always made to feel like a backup singer. It grated on his nerves most of the time, but he never took it personally. He knew his high tenor voice wasn't conducive to today's popular music. He didn't mind being the harmony.

Harmonies are what really gives a song it's wings.

True he had argued with the other guys more then once to be the front man on at least one song. Sometimes he would get his way, most of the time he wouldn't. Either way worked for him. He was easy to please.

The most important thing to him was harmony, not only musically but spiritually. He was never one to enjoy fighting, as a matter of fact, listening to the sometimes fierce battles that would break out between some of the other boys would tie his stomach up in knots. He could never understand why Nick was so quick to use his fists or AJ and Kevin so quick to use their harsh words when something as simple as a quiet I'm sorry should have been enough.

But that is how he was raised.

He found that of all the boys, he had the most in common with Brian. Which was funny because only those closest to the inner circle of Backstreet ever really knew that. They were never best friends or anything, but their parents shared the same values, which had kept them up late at night on more than one occasion. Comparing notes and worrying about the ones who had lesser upbringings.

He and Brian had really ended up going in two different directions though. He smiled just trying to mentally picture Brian changing his sons diaper.

They had all grown up together.

It was neat. He was the baby of his family and he never understood why his older aunts and uncles would fuss over him, still to this day. But he was the baby and he would forever be. So to him, being one of the oldest in a group, it was neat for him to see a different perspective on things. He remembered one day back in 95, turning to Brian and saying when are you ever going to grow up? After witnessing the boy eat an entire vat of Cool Whip. Stuffing his mouth with it until eventually he would start to laugh and it would come pouring out. That same guy, now a man, responsible for a child. Maybe he would see his son do that someday.

Then there was AJ and Nick. Two kids he found himself always worrying about. Even now. At least AJ returned his calls but it seemed like Nick never had the desire. There was a time when the boy never wanted to be alone. Now it seems that's all he wants.

To be left alone.

Howie rubbed at his shoulder, as he once again looked down at his phone, making sure the casino people didn't call while he was checking messages. Maybe they changed their minds. It wouldn't be the first time. There was a time, not to long ago, when being a Backstreet Boy opened the door to countless opportunities, now it was different. Now sometimes a door that was opened for him would slam in his face at the mention of his group name.

The world was against them.

That's why he didn't understand why they didn't stand united. Instead choosing to go their own ways. It bothered him so much, even more then he had led people to know. Didn't they see that by not standing together they were drifting further apart?

He once again clicked opened his phone and listened to Kevin's message. It was like the slow calming voice he needed to hear. He smiled wishing they still lived in the same town, his partying, club hopping buddy. They had a blast together. Going from club to club being treated like royalty.

He dialed Kevin's number, if the casino people called, they would just have to leave a message.

"Hey Kev, it's D...so how's it going?"

A missed call from Howie

Brian sat in a rocking chair in his sons room and gently hummed a tune inspired by the book I Love You forever. It was one of his favorite books growing up. He used to beg his Mom to read it to him every night before going to bed. She would sit next to him on the bed, his head cradled in her lap and she would sing those words whenever they appeared in the story.

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be...

Now as he sang those same words to his son, he found himself smiling at how true to life that story actually was. How indeed everything does come around to a full circle. He looked down when he heard the deep breathing he had come to associate with his son sleeping. He picked him up and kissed the top of his head.

"Love you Bay" He whispered placing his son in his crib. He loved watching Baylee sleep. He looked so carefree. He wished he could protect his son from all the worries in the world. But unfortunately he wouldn't be able to and life would have it's way with Baylee. He would stand by him and protect him though. And he thanked God for that.

Life could be cruel sometimes.

If anyone knew that first hand it was Brian. He knew that no matter what, there would be people in this world who hate you for just existing at all. No matter how good of a person you were, no matter all the great things you have tried to do with your life, no matter what you say or do, people would still disapprove. That was always the hardest for him.

He wasn't used to failure.

He found himself not only succeeding in everything he tried but also gaining a ton of praise for it along the way. So, when his group started falling apart and people began whispering the "F" Word. It had hit Brian the hardest out of any of them. The first time he heard anything derogatory about himself was way back when they had first started. They were being called a bunch of phonies. Purely untalented but just there based on looks. He almost left the entire music scene that same night.

Almost threw everything away because of one bad review.

Luckily his cousin had persuaded him to stay, promising him that things would get better and their reputation would change once people started to take a minute and listen to them sing.

He was right.

People's opinions did change and his group soared to the top. Never in his wildest dreams did he ever imagine he would have gotten as famous as he did. Never in his lifetime would he think he could ever pay his parents back ten fold for all the wonderful things they have done for him. But he did that too.

That was back in the good old days.

Things have changed though. Baylee stirred in his sleep which had Brian bending down and rubbing his back. Even touching his son, brought a feeling of peace to his soul. He now understood what people meant by unconditional love.

Drifting back to his thoughts, he remembered how innocent they all were back then. How he always vowed to his parents that no matter how much money he made, or how successful he had become, that he would always remain firmly grounded. There was a time when he began to let his money get the better of him. Using his popularity to get whatever he wanted. That was before Leighanne stepped into the picture. She kept him in check and for that he was happy. Yes, he thought, Leigh is the best thing that ever happened to me.

He found himself thinking that a lot these days. It had almost become a mantra and after awhile he couldn't help but feel like maybe he was saying it so much because he needed to convince himself that it was the truth. He absolutely loved Leighanne. He didn't mean it that way, it's just that sometimes he felt like he was trapped. Rushed right out of his younger years into adulthood. And he knew he was immature. That's why he blended so well with Nick. When he dated Sam, which seemed like eons ago, she let
him act like a child, when Leigh stepped into the picture almost immediately after that, she let him know right off the bat that there was no place in her life for an overgrown kid.

So he had changed.

He was all of 22 when his courtship with his wife began. Just a baby himself. He wasn't sure if Leigh would stay around for his growing pains, but she had and together they built quite the solid relationship. The same kind of relationship his own parents shared. It made him happy that he found a great girl that his parents seemed to love.

"Hey baby" Leigh said walking behind her husband and kissing him on the neck while wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Hi. I was just thinking about you"

"You were?"

"Yes"

"What were you thinking?" She asked placing her head on his shoulder. He loved when she did that. She smelled so great all the time.

"Just that you're the best thing that ever happened to me" She went around to the front of him and kissed his lips.

"Same to you Mr. Littrell" Brian smiled. How could he ever want to be anywhere else.

She reached down to her son and kissed his neck and then grabbed her husband's arm, walking with him towards the door. "You ready to come to bed?" She asked in that sing song voice. The same voice she used when making love was right around the corner.

"Yeah in a minute, I think I want to stay here just a little while longer" She smiled, "Daddy, you know you are going to spoil that child"

"It's my job"

"No, it's not. It's his grandparents job" He winked at her. She laughed in return, "Oh, before I forget, Howie called you before"

"D called? What did he say?"

"Just wanted to say he was thinking about you" She rolled her eyes, "I don't remember he kind of babbled on and on" Her whole demeanor would change whenever talk of Brian's bandmates entered the house. It made him tense.

"Did you talk to him?"

"No, he left a message"

"Oh excellent, I'll listen.."

"I erased it. Figured I'd just relay what he said"

"But you can't remember what he said" Brian found himself becoming angrier all of the sudden.

"Relax, I told you the gist of what he said"

"It just would have been nice to...I don't know..hear his voice I guess" Brian looked down at the floor. Truth was he missed his bandmates...no not just bandmates but friends. Brothers even. He missed them a lot.

"I'm sorry honey, I didn't think it would be a big deal"

"Okay, no problem, but I think I'm gonna call him back real quick before I come to bed" Now it was her turn to look annoyed.

"Can't it wait until tomorrow?" She asked dropping her husbands hand.

"I will be fast okay?"

"Fine" She said rather coldly. She bent down and gave her son one final kiss before exiting the room.

Things were so different now.

He let out a heavy sigh and once again looked down at his sleeping son. It will be nice talking to D again. He smiled picturing Howie go on and on taking forever to get to his point. Leighanne's eyes probably rolling upward the entire time. He wondered if his bandmates knew how much his wife disliked them all.

Well, that was okay because she was the best thing that ever happened to him. He walked out of Baylees room and called up Howie.

"Howdy D my man, it's Brian..how's it goin bro?"

Excerpts from I Love You Forever by Robert Munsch

A missed call from Brian

Nick sat back on one of his lounge chairs overlooking the beach. His friends always teased him about this particular chair he was sitting on because it was one of those really cheap ones you could get at Walmart for ten bucks. A tacky blue with lime green weaves in it. The oddball of all his outdoor furniture. Yet, it was always the chair he found himself sitting in whenever his mood found him wandering out there in the first place.

It made him feel like a normal guy.

One of his friends was getting married today. He had forgotten. At one time, this friend used to be the one guy he would do anything to hang out with. They would stay up late talking in a pup tent on his friends lawn, about what they wanted to be when they grew up. They both had big dreams. There best friendship had lasted only a few years but despite that, they had always kept in touch. He had no idea what to give someone for a wedding. To him, it now seemed normal to give something really extravagant. So big that it was unimaginable.

He was used to playing Nick the hero. Just on a whim, he would fly ten of his friends down to Hawaii so they could have a real shaved ice and a surfing adventure. He bought them cars when they needed one, helped pay their rent, even hired them when no one else would. Because why not?

He took out two crisp one hundred dollar bills and placed them on the inside of the card, simply signing it, Love From Nick Carter. Maybe that was good enough. He hadn't even bothered to call and congratulate them when he had heard the news, nor did he bother to answer the invitation that was still lying on top of his fireplace.

He was a bad friend.

Truth was he didn't know how to be a friend at all. Lately it seemed like he stopped putting forth any effort at it. It was just something else he was bad at. He stood up, walked inside and placed the card on top of the fireplace. Where he was sure it would stay until one day a cleaning lady, who his mother would call out of frustration, would find it and throw it way. Not before pocketing the money inside.

He was never taught how to be a grown up.

It may seem like a funny statement, but it was so true that when he spoke the words to himself, they sent tingles down his arms. He was a huge little boy. He always has been. Still playing Nintendo till all hours of the night. Still afraid of the dark, and most of all still hated being alone.

He felt alone all the time.

When gorgeous girls threw off their tops and wiggled their breasts in his face, it excited him to no end but still, he knew they didn't care. There could be one hundred people surrounding him but he still felt like he was all alone. It made him sad. Sad and disappointed in himself. He wanted to be able to enjoy all that he had worked so hard for, but there was something preventing him from doing that. He only wished he could figure it out.

His cell phone rang.

He flicked it open to look at the caller ID. Johnnie Wright. How odd it was that he was getting calls from that man again. But Johnnie had once again taken an interest in Nick and it made him feel good. Anyone who seemed to take an interest in his career nowadays were few and far between.

Johnnie had come to see one of his concerts out of the blue and sat back stage and did nothing but told Nick how fantastic he was. How much potential he had as a solo artist, how with him at the helm, he could make Nick sore to new and unimaginable heights.

Only as a solo artist though.

He knew the boys would never agree to work with Johnnie again. He knew Johnnie felt the same way about the boys. Nick always seemed trapped in impossible situations like this. Once again maybe this was an opportunity just out of his reach. He decided to ignore the call for now. He had to do a lot of thinking on the subject.

He found himself wandering back to the great outdoors. He found his way onto his favorite lounge chair and sat back and took in a deep breath, the salty air tickled his tongue.

He closed his eyes and thought back to some of the conversations he had with his friend in their pup tent as children. Their goals were so different back then. Nick wanting to be a mega super star or the first human Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. His friend, opting to be an astronaut or a famous inventor. Both had ironically achieved their goals to a certain degree. His friend worked as a scientist in some laboratory helping to find a cure for cancer.

They were so different.

His cell phone beeped once again. He checked the caller ID and was surprised to see the number. At first he didn't even recognize it because it had been so long since it had shown up on any of Nick's phones.

Brian.

He was just about to answer but for some reason stopped himself. Maybe Brian would leave a message. He paused a few moments and just as he hoped, there were two messages waiting for him.

One from Johnnie, "Hi Nick, just wondering if you thought about my offer at all. Give me a call back ASAP"

And one from Brian, "Hey Nick...Gosh do you ever answer this phone? That's why it's a cell phone Nick, you are supposed to bring it with you and answer when people call..anyway, just been thinking about you and wanted to say hey..but you are probably out gallivanting and causing trouble somewhere...Just kidding, anyways, give me a call when you can..thanks buddy. Bye"

God it felt good hearing Brian's voice again. He felt like it had been years since he heard it. And maybe it had been that long. He was used to the other voice Brian had. Leighanne's Brian. He missed hearing HIS Brian, the one that actually acted as if he enjoyed being around Nick. The one that never rolled his eyes when something to do with the band was spoken. The one who looked at the Backstreet Boys as his friends, not as a job. Yup, it had been awhile since he had seen or heard from that Brian.

He played with the numbers on the phone for a minute. How he wanted so badly to call Brian back. How good it had made him feel to know that Brian even still had his number in his rolodex somewhere, but yet, he couldn't bring himself to do it.

It's too late.

That was his final thought before picking up his phone and dialing Johnnie back.

A defining moment for AJ

AJ paced back and forth looking around nervously. He wondered if he did the right thing. He had called her and begged for forgiveness but she never returned his call. He had been desperate. So alone. He hated feeling like that. Hated feeling all alone. That was really his biggest fear in life. Not so much failure or death, but being alone.

When he was a child, he went to sing at a nursing home. His Mom tried to prepare him for what he might see in there and he had haphazardly shook her warnings off. They were old people, how scary could they be?

Very scary.

He hadn't really prepared himself to see not only the frailty among the nursing home's population but also the sadness. The entire place could have cried out in desperation. The walls ringing with the sounds of people dying alone. It had effected him deeply and he had trouble going to sleep for weeks afterwards. Ever since that time, he had been terrified of being alone. Ending up like one of those lonely people.

Having a child look at him and have endless nightmares because of it.

No, AJ was not going to die alone. He was going to have a huge family. Starting with a wife. Someone he loved more then anyone else on the planet. He had always thought that Sarah was going to be that one for him. That she was going to forever be his companion. But unfortunately that was not to be.

He heard footsteps and quickly discarded the cigarette he was smoking. Throwing it onto the gravel and stepping out the flame. He laughed at the symbolism. He grabbed an Altoid from his jacket pocket and popped it into his mouth as she walked towards him.

"Hi" She said not even bothering to look up. He suddenly felt like maybe he wasn't making the right decision afterall.

"Hi, how are you doing?" He asked her placing his arms around her, enveloping her in a nice friendly hug.

"I'm okay. I've missed you. You haven't called since...well since that night" Her eyes played down to the ground.

"I know, I've been busy with things"

"Don't you mean her AJ? Don't you mean Sarah?" He stepped back a bit at the mention of her name. It didn't sound right coming from this girl's mouth.

"It's over between us, like I told you on the phone..I need to move on with my life"

"You know you still love her AJ. Stop kidding yourself" She said, now taking a seat on the curb right next to his discarded cigarette.

"No, I don't. She dumped me"

"Just like YOU dumped ME" Her words sounded harsh but she was right, he tensed.

"I'm sorry" He knew then that nothing was going to go as planned for him this night.

"AJ, I like you a lot. But you just have too much baggage for me" She stood up then, with his help. He smiled at her and they exchanged another friendly hug. As she started to walk away she turned once more, "Want advice from a friend who has been down your road more times then she wished?" He only nodded. He knew how hard her battle against drugs and alcohol had been.

"You have to love yourself before you can try to love anyone else"

He nodded and felt tears start to slide down his face. He only wished he knew how to feel that way. He loved people to death, felt all warm and fuzzy inside when it came to his Mom, grandparents and friends. He would do anything for them, but himself?

He had no clue how to even LIKE himself let alone love himself. It took him a long time to even figure out what love felt like. He always thought he knew. He knew he loved his Mom, he knew he loved his grandma, but the first time he ever felt love it came from a very bizarre place.

He was sitting in the back of a van after a tour of junior high schools with the boys. They were tired, hungry and most of all cranky. All he wanted to do was go home. Get away from the other four smelly, sweaty guys in the van. Go back home and eat some of his grandmas cookies.

He was sitting all the way in the back. He always got stuck sitting there next to Nick. Long before Brian and Nick became inseparable. No one much wanted to be near the kid. Brian included. He remembered, staring at his band mate while he played a Gameboy, unaware of everything around him. He also noticed he wasn't wearing his seat belt. He didn't think anything of it though.

Who cared?

Well, just as the thought ran across his mind, there was a very sharp turn followed by a short stop. Nick flew towards him heading for the window. The fear he felt as he watched Nick hurtling towards him overwhelmed him. He grabbed onto Nick for dear life until the car came to an abrupt halt.

At that moment he felt love.

He knew at that moment he would have sacrificed himself to save that kid's life. The feeling of relief washing over him as he pulled Nick away and got a good look at the kid to see he was okay, made him smile. That's how he knew that this band was going to work out. Because at that moment, he knew these guys were more to him then just friends. They were his family.

He loved them.

They had stuck by him through everything. All the crap and boy there was a boatload of crap. They would stick by him forever, at least he hoped they would. No, he knew they would. He had called Kevin that day, holding a beer in his hand, crying on the other end of the line, telling Kevin how he felt like his life was over. Kevin said just say the word and I'll be on the next plane out.

Love.

Maybe the first step in loving himself would be to make that call. Have Kevin on the first plane out. Maybe the first step was even more simple then that, maybe it was just to recognize that his life would move on. He wouldn't need Sarah or anybody else. That no matter what he would be fine.

The tears started to freely spill down his face as he picked up his cell phone and dialed.

"Hi Sarah, it's AJ...I just wanted to say, I am very sorry for...well, I'm sorry that things couldn't work out between us. I wish you all the best. I'm going to get myself back on the right path and start treating myself right. I hope you do the same. Who knows, maybe somewhere down the line, we could become friends again" He closed his phone and despite all the sadness he was feeling, he smiled.

He felt triumphant.

He had done the right thing. It felt right, it didn't feel forced, or desperate or anything. He also felt something else that right until that moment he hadn't felt before, at least not in awhile. He felt like everything truly was going to be okay.

He had his friends and his Mom, they would get him through things. Just like always.

He stood up and walked over to his car, calling one more person, "Hi Kev what's up? Still feel like coming for a visit?"

A defining moment for Kevin

Kevin got to AJ's house as fast as he could. Once he received the call, he didn't even hesitate. He hung up and booked himself a flight. Being needed was something he depended on. You could say he needed to be needed. It made him feel good. When they had first started out in this group, they had all depended on him. Some more than others. He was the oldest. The most responsible. They turned to him for advice, which he would proudly dole out for hours on end without even blinking.

It was so new to him. Before he left to start his life as a Backstreet Boy, he was in the role that AJ and Nick played now. The role of careless youth. Although Kevin would never even think to compare his emotional maturity to the others. His Mom would tell him he was an old soul.

She was right.

Long before Kevin could even walk, he worried. Perfectionist to a tee. So when he became surrounded in a world where the words fashionably late and it'll do, were rattled off like common adjectives, he knew things would be hard for him. He had a choice to make back then. Either let it get to you and burn out before you are 25, or mellow out and enjoy the ride.

He finally chose the latter.

Once he figured out that worrying about all things show biz would get him nowhere, he started focusing on his actual band mates. Instead of wanting to just take AJ aside and beat him senseless, he would explain to him how it could be considered rude to call everyone under the sun a dumbass. Instead of rolling his eyes and walking away from Nick in the midst of a full-fledged temper tantrum, he would sit down next to him, rub his back and tell him it was okay to be homesick. Instead of screaming at his cousin to start acting his age, he would take him on long walks and talk about the importance of settling down. Instead of dismissing Howie as a quiet indecisive guy, he gave him lessons on how to become more responsible with money and investments. All the extra effort had paid off for him. He found his role.

Older brother.

Now sitting next to AJ as he restlessly shifted his weight from leg to leg smoking and prattling on about Sarah, he found himself missing those days. The days when the boys looked up to him for guidance and support. It has started to seem to him that the older he got the less needed he was by everyone. Mom now fully depended on Jerald and Tim taking Kevin's absence a little bit more to heart than he would have liked. Also adjusting to it better then he had hoped she would.

His wife was always an independent girl, never wanting or needing to just stay at home and live on his money. Like the woman that his cousin married. No, Kristin would forever be her own woman.

"So I did it Kev. Finally" Kevin looked over to his friend when he said those words. Not that he wasn't listening before but the change of tone in AJ's voice made him take notice. It was a good change. A positive change.

"Are you okay with that?" He made his way closer to AJ, just in case he needed a free shoulder to cry on. AJ only nodded.

"I think you did the right thing J. I really do" Kevin sat down then, hoping that AJ would take his lead and do the same.

"You really think so man?" This time it was Kevin's turn to nod.

He had worried so much for AJ during the last few years. Sitting and watching him deteriorate right in front of his eyes. He felt so helpless. Until he took it to the extreme and told AJ he was a loser.

Tough love.

Something else Kevin was extraordinarily good at. When things got so out of hand that the only way to get them to listen was with harsh words, he felt free to use them. Even got punched in the face once from a young and angry Nick because of it.

"So enough about me. How's things with you?" AJ asked grabbing a new pack of unopened cigarettes out of his pocket and biting the plastic off the top.

"I thought you said you were cutting down on those"

"I have, I'm only smoking a half a pack a day"

"That still seems like a lot to me"

"You never answered my question" Kevin smiled. He was hoping that AJ hadn't noticed. It used to be easier to side track them back in the old days.

"Good"

"Just good Kev?"

"Yeah just good" Kevin started to fidget with his wedding ring. He could never understand why it was that even though he could get them to talk about themselves, telling him things that even their own families and best friends didn't know, he wasn't able to do the same.

"Everything cool with you and Kris?" That made Kevin stop fiddling with his ring.

"Yup. Everything's fantastic with the two of us. She is working in New York right now. She sends her love"

Truth was, Kevin hadn't even told her that he was going to see AJ. He wasn't sure why he didn't say anything. Probably because he would know her reaction. His mind replayed the only argument they ever had Backstreet related. It was the only one but it was a frequent one.

"You can't always keep picking up the pieces Kevin. They are men"

"I know babe, but what am I supposed to do?"

"You need to let them make their own mistakes"

"I do, but.."

"I know..you just worry. That's why I love you so much"

She always thought it a bit odd that they really did care for each other as much as they did. Even Kristin who knew them all from the very beginning, thought the whole we are just like family thing was just a gimmick. A way to soften the hearts of teens. She was surprised when she saw how extremely protective Kevin was of his friends. She had told him more than once that it was sweet but also dangerous. She said it was his way of hiding from his own feelings. Worrying so much about everyone else.

"Kevin, are you alright? You just look like you are having deep thought or something" Kevin looked away from his sea of thoughts and smiled at his friend. Happy to see that he had put on a few extra pounds. He looked good. He looked healthy.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just worried about you. That's all" AJ smiled and wrapped his arm around his older friend. "Thanks man, I really appreciate that"

Kevin sighed, it would frustrate him after his friends and family would be so open with him about things. He gave advice, nodded when they needed him to and shook his head in disgust when he knew it was his cue to do so, but there were so many times he wanted to just say, "You know what? I am having a bad day too. Let me tell you about it" But he never did.

Until now.

For some reason, sitting there on AJ's comfortable couch in the den, he felt the need to open up to someone he considered the most unlikely to be open to. "I feel like a failure" AJ froze. As a matter of fact, it felt like time froze. In the space of about only a few minutes, Kevin felt like hours had gone by. Hours to regret the words coming out of his mouth.

"Why?" AJ finally allowed himself to say. "Kevin you are not a failure, not even a little bit"

Kevin stood up and sat at the piano, the beautiful baby grand that AJ had in his hallway. "Why do you have this? Are you ever going to learn how to play?" Kevin asked as he leaned his left arm on top and hit the keys to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with two fingers of his right hand.

AJ made his way over to the piano and sat next to Kevin, "I can play this" He said starting the bass line to Heart and Soul. Immediately Kevin joined in with the melody. They repeated it about three times before tagging on a hookey ending. Both of them roared with laughter.

It was nice to laugh with an old friend again.

When the laughter died down, AJ put his hand on Kevin's shoulder. "You never answered my question" He found himself saying again.

"I know" Is all Kevin said in return.

"You know what that makes you Kevin? You feeling like a failure and all?"

"No AJ, what does that make me?" Kevin smiled because he knew the answer to that question. He knew so well because he was the one that always said it. He said it to Howie after he fell off the stage in the middle of a show, he said it to Brian after he puked on stage in front of hundreds of people, he said it to Nick when his album didn't do well and he said it to AJ the first time he fell off the wagon. Now he was about to be given the same line and he had to admit it felt a little good.

AJ waited for Kevin to make eye contact with him. Once Kevin's green eyes met AJ's brown ones he simply stated, "Human. It makes you human Kevin"

He nodded and once again began to play a simple melody on the piano, this time choosing Back To Your Heart. He had never let himself be seen in that light before. Not to any of them. Today he stepped down from big brother, big protector and became nothing more than a friend. And to his surprise,

It felt good.

A defining moment for Howie

Howie sat back in the big leather chair in the office of the man he was about to seal the deal with. He nervously played his fingers on the end of his shirt as he listened to the man spewing figures at him. He was talking a lot of money. Money he could use to get his foundation soaring. Even higher then imagined.

He wanted a cure for Lupus.

With the money he made from this casino, he could easily set up a fund and have one-third go to him and the rest go to his foundation. He wasn't greedy. He was intent on making his mark. The man stopped pacing right in front of Howie, forcing Howie to look up at his large shape in wonder.

"There is a catch though" He said.

There always seemed to be a catch. When he was young and naive he never listened to this part of their conversation because it was always spoken so softly the excitement of his career would deafen him to all the 'catches' along the way. For the longest time he only heard what he wanted to hear.

Probably the biggest 'catch' in his life happened when he signed with Trans con. So excited that he had made it in show biz that he didn't read what he was signing. He had blamed himself for everything else that unfolded because of it. Mostly because he had a good head on his shoulders. While the others, with the exception of Kevin, were young, Howie was too old to be fooled. He knew to read between the lines. His father had even told him don't go signing his life away.

Which is exactly what he had done.

After that, he really made sure to listen intently to everything management type people said. He noticed that when they really had a great selling point, their voices would crescendo, but when it was something those business types would rather just skirt around, they would get mysteriously quiet. Kevin liked to call it, speaking in small print.

Now with this big surly business man standing over him as if he was a child, he wished Kevin was there to keep his head level. He didn't stutter or even show his apparent uneasiness, instead Howie simply asked, "Catch?"

"Yes" Now the man walked back over to his desk and sat down. Howie didn't like the way he seemed to be shuffling through his papers. It looked as if it was just giving him something to do.

"We know you wanted some of the proceeds to go to the DLF and while we think your cause is extremely important...we just feel like we shouldn't really be championing a cause just yet"

"Why?" Howie sat straight in his chair. He had a feeling this conversation would happen, but not as quickly as it had. He figured he would at least have a few months before they started questioning his organization.

"Howie, it's not that we have anything against it, but..."

"But nothing, when we talked about this over three months ago, you knew full well that I was planning on having profits go to the DLF"

"Yes, but since then. Some of our newer investors don't think it's a good idea"

"Well, let me talk to those investors and I'll set them straight" Howie even though steaming inside always came across calm. That is why so many people took a natural liking to him. He was a great person through and through. No one could complain about that. There would be so many times he would be ready to strangle one of the guys or his own brother but they would never be able to tell.

He was the chameleon of all chameleons.

"It's not that easy"

"And why not?"

"Because they already had a vote about it" Howie decided now was the time to stand. Either stand or start screaming. He stood up and walked over to the huge window overlooking the beach. Just watching the waves crash against the sand calmed him down a bit. He wondered if Caroline ever watched the waves from heaven. If it was possible.

"Why wasn't I informed about this vote?"

"I thought it would be best to just tell you separately"

"How much did I lose by?" He refused to look passed the beach and back into the gloomy room.

"19 to 1" Howie closed his eyes.

"And that one being?"

"You" Now he turned to face the big man. He was still sitting at his desk but this time he had rested his hand on a pen which he nervously twiddled around his fingers.

"The only reason I wanted in on this was to bring in a substantial amount to the DLF"

"We know that Howie, but with the millions of dollars profit that you would eventually net..."

Now that was another word he always heard like the chiming of a bell. The word eventually. Eventually meant not anytime soon. No, he had his mind all set on how things would go. The hotel casino would open, he was one of 20 investors, but he was definitely putting forth one of the biggest sums of money. He and some other guy. A businessman from Texas. They had meeting after meeting about it, telling him that they had NO problem with the proceeds going to help his cause. They had NO problem with having his sister's name somewhere in a room of the hotel above. They had NO problem with any of it. The word eventually was never mentioned. Not once.

"Think about it Howie. You could still use those profits to help out your foundation but as far as the casino, it would have to remain separate"

"The only reason I did this was for her"

"Excuse me?" Howie wished he could retrace his steps, rewind time and take back the words that came out of his mouth. How could he allow himself to say something so completely unprofessional to this man? This man who obviously didn't care at all about Howie or his poor dead sister.

"Nothing, sorry it wasn't important"

"Howie, everything is all ready to go. All we need is your signature and we can begin to break ground on the thing"

"Um..can you excuse me for a minute?" Howie suddenly remembered something.

A conversation he had recently with an old friend.

"I need to make an important phone call" Before the business man could object, Howie was out the door and calling Kevin.

He knew Kevin was in town visiting AJ, in fact he was going to be meeting with them later on for dinner. "Come on Kev, please answer your phone" Howie said pacing back and forth down the long and very cold white hallway.

"Hello"

"Kevin, hey it's D"

"Howie, how's it goin?" Howie heard him turn away from his phone to tell AJ who it was on the other end of the line.

"I don't have much time to talk but I wanted to ask you a question"

"Okay... shoot"

"Remember you mentioned some land in Alabama?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, is that something you are still interested in?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"Would you be willing to go in with me on buying it? Maybe putting up a hotel in honor of my sister?"

"Without a doubt" Howie smiled. If he could have he would have hugged his phone.

"Hang on, I'm going back into this meeting but I'll fill you in at dinner"

"Okay...Howie, is everything okay?"

"It is now" After hanging up the phone with Kevin, he nodded. How could he not have thought about that before? Who else should he go into business with then someone he trusted more then anyone else on the planet?

He walked back into the room and sat down comfortably, "I have thought about your offer and at this time I regret I have to decline to sign"

"What?" Now it was the other guy's turn to be angry and surprised.

"I just took a vote and it was decided on that I need to go elsewhere"

"That's a load of rubbish! Who did you consult?"

"The vote was 3 to 0"

"You are making a huge mistake Mr. Dorough" Howie smiled that the man was finally treating him like an adult instead of a dumb pop star. Using the title Mister.

"I very well may be, but it's my mistake to make. Thank you though and best of luck" With that being said he placed the pen next to the unsigned document and walked out of the office leaving the man stunned.

Three to zero. He, Kevin and Caroline, who would probably have preferred having her name attached to a nice family friendly hotel then a money grubbing casino.

That night, over dinner he explained everything to Kevin and AJ in detail. It felt liberating to walk out of an important meeting like the one he had been to earlier with his pride in tact. He and Kevin shook hands and decided that they would go ahead and develop a package to present to developers. In honor of his sister. With one of his best friends.

What could be more perfect than that?

A defining moment for Brian

Playing hoops alone on his half basketball court was just no fun. He missed games of one on one with his friends. Most importantly with Nick. He had been thinking about his young friend a lot these days. They used to be so close. He smiled just at the memory of this scrawny little kid following him around everywhere.

Brian was his hero.

And Brian milked it for all it was worth. He used Nick as an excuse to teach him everything he felt like his young charge should know, from how to do a correct lay up, to how to shave without cutting the heck out of your face. It had been Brian helping him every step of the way.

Their relationship started to drift as any relationship naturally would. Nothing bad, no real arguments or disagreements. Just a natural part of growing up. It had gotten to the point, towards the end of the Black and Blue tour, where they barely even talked at all. Nick choosing instead to spend all his free time with AJ. It made sense, they were closer in age to one another and he had Leighanne to keep him occupied.

But then the solo thing happened.

After the solo thing his view of Nick changed. He stopped viewing the kid as, well just that, a kid; and started to see him as this selfish immature pop star.

Only for a little while though.

He knew Nick wasn't really like that. He felt hurt and betrayed, heck they all did. He threw all of their plans out of whack. But did it really bother Brian that much? The answer was no. It didn't. Truth was, with the time off, he was going to be able to spend more time with his wife. They barely had any time to themselves. He was sure Leighanne would be more than happy about it.

She wasn't.

She reminded Brian right then and there how much money they would be out because of that little brat's selfishness. Her words, not his. He hadn't even thought about that. the ironic thing is none of them did. Funny to think that yes though there were millions of dollars on the line that would be lost because of Nick's sudden decision to go solo, the guys were bothered more about his sudden personality change. He HAD to go solo. It was something he HAD to do. That was the only explanation he had given to them. For quite awhile.

It wasn't good enough.

Brian spent many nights simmering about it. Wondering what the hell was going on. They had all almost decided to go on without Nick entirely. The decision was made out of pure anger. Brian was glad they actually weren't permitted to do it. They would have all regretted it because one night sobbing his eyes out, Nick informed the boys that he was falling apart. That he would end up dead from a drug overdose or worse if he didn't leave for awhile and clear his head. He needed to find himself.

It was a shocking revelation. One that Brian was not prepared for.

Once the kid went solo, his demeanor changed. His attitude changed and though he always seemed happy to the public, Brian knew better. They all did. He was trying to be someone he wasn't. He stopped calling the guys then. Not just Brian, but all of them. Even AJ. Instead he started to hang around a tough crowd to try and enhance his nonexistent badass image.

Drifting Brian and Nick even further apart.

Brian dribbled his way down the court to the basket and dunked the ball into the net. After doing that he went to the bench grabbed a towel, took a swig of water and sat down. He was getting too old for this, He thought, and only after thirty minutes of playing. When he and Nick played, they could go for hours. Until someone, usually Kevin would literally have to pull them away from the basketball court.

Giving up playing for the day, Brian stood up and walked back into his huge house. Seeing his wife sitting there on a rocking chair breast feeding his son. She looked away from Baylee and smiled at her husband.

"My you are really sweaty sweetie"

"Yeah I know...hey babe, did Nick call?" He had left a message for Nick on his cell a day or so ago and still no returned call.

"No, why would he be?" The tone of her voice caused Brian to want to just drop it and walk away. He was tired of having to defend his every action to her.

"I called him a few days ago. I thought maybe he called but you never bothered to give me the message"

"Never bothered?"

"Yeah like when Howie called"

"I gave you that message dear"

"I know..I'm sorry" He said walking over and kissing the top of her head. He didn't feel like fighting now. He wasn't in the mood.

He took a seat next to is wife. Just being near her felt good.

"I was thinking maybe we could invite the Parkers over for dinner tonight" Brian was only half listening to his wife, he nodded at her as she continued, "I hear Dennis has not been faithful to Patty and I want to see if it's true" Again Brian only nodded.

His mind was drifting to his own thoughts and feelings.

Maybe the reason he had a hard time dealing with Nick's decision was because he wanted the freedom to do that as well. To be able to take a time out from life and say I need to leave to clear my head. Real life wasn't like that.

"And then I heard Paula tell Maria that Tony was drinking again. How horrible..."

When Nick went on tour, all of the guys had stopped in to see at least one of his shows. Brian ended up being the only one that never did. People, mostly the BSB fans, started to call him a bad friend. They were actually taking sides. Brian or Nick instead of Brian and Nick.

"Katie is getting so big, don't you think Brian?"

"Huh?"

"Katie..Maria's daughter, weren't you listening to me?"

"I need to go play basketball" Was the out of place answer to the quesiton his wife asked.

Leighanne laughed, "You NEED to go play basketball? Or what you'll die?" Brian didn't laugh. He didn't exactly know why he felt such a strong urge to do so, he knew it would be an argument, a struggle but his heart told him to.

"I'm gonna go pack an overnight bag"

"Brian what the hell are you talking about? You aren't making any sense"

"I need to go to Florida"

"What? I thought you NEEDED to go play basketball" She laughed but this time it was a nervous laugh.

"I do"

"Brian he didn't even call you back!" She was upset now but she was still talking quietly enough to not wake her sleeping son.

"Nick's there, I know he is. Howie told me he drove by his house the other day and he had like fifty people there"

"Then sounds like he has his hands full" She stood up and placed Baylee in his bassinet.

"I need to do this baby..okay? Please don't argue with me"

"What about our dinner plans tonight?"

"You can handle it. They're your friends anyway"

"They are OUR friends Brian"

"Then Nick is OUR friend too" Brian was hoping she would understand.

She was really angry now. She turned away from him and began to walk out of the room, "Fine! Whatever have a great time!"

"I'm lost Leigh" That made her stop and turn around. "I lost who I am"

She walked over and grabbed him in a hug, "Why do you say that?" Brian only wished he knew the answer to that question. His confession took him as much by surprise as it did his wife. But the words couldn't have been more truthful. He WAS lost. He hadn't felt like himself since he had been on break.

"How is Nick going to help with that?" her tone more soft and sincere now.

"Because he is lost too. Maybe we can help each other find our way home"

He hoped he was right.

Leighanne stepped back from her husband, maybe also taking a step back to evaluate the words he had just spoken. Brian had never done that before. He had never really stood his ground like that. He never won an argument before, with his wife anyway. He knew though, even if she was mad, he was still going.

Luckily by her small smile through the tears she started to shed, she nodded. "Go then. It's okay. I just want you to be happy"

"I love you Leighanne. You make me happy you know that right?" She nodded. "I'll be back tomorrow or maybe even tonight. If he slams the door in my face"

"He won't. He'll be happy to see you" She placed her arms around his waist and put her head on his shoulder.

And they stood that way for awhile just swaying in time to the soft snoring of their sleeping son...

A defining moment for Nick

Nick sat alone on the back steps of his patio. The day was warm, but a cool breeze kept him from putting on his bathing suit and jumping in the water. He felt the need to be active right then, otherwise he would have just slept the day away. That's all he ever wanted to do these days.

Party or sleep.

There would be no party tonight and he woke up with the dread that thought brought with it. The dread of being in his house all alone. Even his family were away. Otherwise he would have found himself over their bugging them. He placed his arms under his legs and rocked on the step. An act he has done ever since he was a child. Rocking made him relax. Even though it was beyond him to think of why on earth he would be nervous in the first place.

Maybe it was the fight he had with Johnnie. He had forgotten how easily the two had sparred back in the day. They could go head to head about any issue, all the time. Johnnie being out of the scene for as long as he was, made Nick forget that. Until he backed out of what seemed like a perfect deal with the man.

Johnnie came over to his house shortly after their phone conversation. It seemed right at the time. Moving on with his life. Moving away from the teeny bop image into a more adult rock type setting. Johnnie had laid it all out on paper for him, the new deal, with new management, possible new record company. All tied in a neat bow.

It seemed like the smartest thing in the world to do. That's what his Mom had told him anyway. "Nick, do it and never look back. Your fans will understand and in time so will they"

They meaning the boys.

But Nick knew better. None of them would understand, heck even he didn't fully understand. So, when Johnnie held out the pen to Nick, he pushed it away. Leaving his one time manager speechless.

But only temporarily.

"Are you insane?"

"No, I'm not Johnnie. This just doesn't feel right to me"

"It felt right to you up until ten minutes ago"

"It has never felt right"

"Nick! Stop being a child and make an adult decision"

Johnnie yelled at him for a little while longer, occasionally spewing insults to Nick's intelligence and integrity. He took it all in stride though. Everything with a grain of salt. If that's how the saying went. He was used to being insulted, unfortunately.

Thus ended the short lived transformation of the young Nick Carter.

He felt the need to stand up and stretch, letting out a yawn as he did so. Maybe he would go in the pool. Anything was better then just sitting there looking lost in his own backyard. He walked over to the pool, sat down on the edge and buried his feet in the cold water.

As the chill moved up his legs, so did that feeling of numbness. Not from the cold, but from life in general. Nobody said it would be like this. He was brought out of his thoughts by a sound of a bouncing ball. At first he thought he was hallucinating, maybe too much to drink mixed with the sudden realization that he was a failure in every sense of the word, but as the bouncing sound got closer, it was easier to make out the image doing the bouncing.

Brian

Nick stood up and squinted at the man who had his tongue out as he concentrated on the ball. Was this a dream? One of those weird flashback scenes you saw on Saturday Night Live when Wayne and Garth waved their hands in front of their faces and brought the past back to life?

As Brian got closer, Nick could tell he had a duffel bag in his other hand. Immediately thoughts of him and Leigh getting into a huge fight crossed Nick's mind. Did she throw him out of the house? The smile on Brian's face wiped that thought away.

"Did you take a wrong turn or something dude?" Nick said playing down his escalated excitement.

"Something like that" Brian said tossing Nick the ball.

"Everything cool?"

"Yup, just felt like playing some B-ball" Nick held the ball under his arm looking at Brian with bewilderment.

"Couldn't you play basketball at home? Or did they outlaw that in Atlanta?" Brian dropped his duffel bag and rolled his eyes at his young friend, motioning for him to throw over the ball. Nick only stood and stared.

"Nah, I play at home, but today I just felt like beating somebody" After the sentence was out of his mouth, Brian ran towards Nick, hit the ball out from under his arm and did a lay up shooting the ball directly into the hoop. Smiling he then tossed the ball back to Nick, who still looked more then just a little confused.

"Well, if you really felt like BEATING somebody, you should have played against your son because you know dawg....you don't stand a chance against me" Nick then as if giving more truth to his statement, shot the ball right from where he was standing. It landed in the hoop in one swish. He then stood there with a cocky grin on his face. Brian laughed "And who taught you how to do that?"

"Eh, I learned it from the best" They smiled at each other, the kind of smile that signified that things were how they should be just then.

Two hours and three games later, they sat all sweaty and tired next to each other with feet dangling in the pool. Nick towel dried his face and watched as Brian did the same. It was a close competition, but in the end Brian won two games to one.

The way it should have been.

"So, why are you really here Rok?" Nick looked over at his friend knowing that he really didn't care. He just wanted time to stand still even if it was only for a few hours.

"I don't know Nick..just felt like it"

"And Leigh?"

"Yeah, she's probably upset but you know what? She'll get over it"

"Are you okay?" Brian looked over to his friend and smiled at the concern he felt in those eyes.

"Yeah, I think. I have been feeling kind of..well..empty lately"

"Me too" Nick didn't look up, his concentration now was on the water and the circles he was creating with his feet.

"I figured as much. That's why I came. I thought maybe we could cheer each other up"

"Things will get better right?" Brian saw that kid again, the one who always needed reassurance.

"Yeah Nick, I think in time everything will be okay"

"Things suck now" Such a simple statement but so true Brian thought as he nodded at his sad friend.

"SO, can I stay here with you for a night? I could get a hotel room if you.."

"Yes, of course you can stay"

"Thanks man. Maybe we can order pizza and play video games and forget about life for just a little while"

"Sounds like fun to me" Brian nodded.

"Bri?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you came" Brian smiled at Nick and put an arm around him pulling him close.

They sat in silence. The kind of silence that felt comfortable, the kind of silence that close friends share in each other's company.

The way it should have been.

When all is said and done, i've made the right choice.

AJ poured water into his ice trays as Kevin watched smiling, "What's so funny Kev?"

"With all the money you have made in your life, you think you could afford one of those refrigerators with an ice maker in it" AJ smirked as he placed the two trays into his freezer. He was having a get together later that day. All five of the boys meeting again.

"Yeah, well I like to spend my money on more important things"

"Oh you mean on tattoos?" Kevin raised his eyebrows which made J laugh again. It had felt good to laugh, he hadn't done it in a while. Having the courage to invite Kevin down, was the best thing he could have done for himself.

He looked through his cabinets to pick out some glasses for the men to use, and found himself picking up an old ceramic hen instead. He held it in his hands and seemed entranced by it. Kevin only looked on with a vested interest. "What's the deal with that thing?"

Kevin felt stupid for asking, because deep in his heart he already knew the answer. In a beat AJ continued, "It's hers" He faded into that place he went when he thought about Sarah. Somewhere between reality and a sweet daydream. He remembered when she brought that stupid looking thing into his house the first time. How he had made fun of it. And rightfully so, it was the tackiest thing he had ever seen.

"This thing meant a lot to her" He said as he placed it on the counter. He had stopped laughing about it when the tale behind it's ownership started to reveal itself. A dying grandma, her favorite granddaughter, and a passing off between generation to generation.

"If it meant so much to her, then why is it still here?" Good question, maybe she hadn't packed it so she would have a reason to come back. A great trick.

But unrealistic.

The real reason was simple, she was in a rush. A rush to get her stuff and get out before she changed her mind. This was left behind by mistake. She would miss it someday. Maybe she already has.

"I guess I'll just put it aside for her" He then started shuffling through his cabinets again this time coming up with five plastic cups from Burger King. They were the special edition BSB cups from when they merited such a thing.

"Oh bringing out the fine china I see" He gave Kevin the one with his own likeness all over it.

"Only the best for you my man" Kevin held it up and smiled as he turned the cup around in his hands.

"It seems like such a long time ago doesn't it?"

AJ didn't answer, he only nodded. The nod went unnoticed as Kevin continued, "I think my Mom has like 80 of these things"

"That's a whole lot of you"

"She has us all" AJ found himself glancing once more at the ceramic hen. A glance that Kevin caught.

"It'll get easier you know" AJ decided to move to the table and take a seat across from Kevin, "Spoken like a happily married man"

"A happily married man who knows what it's like J"

Now it was AJ's turn to turn his own likeness around in his hands. He remembered how he felt when he first saw his face on a cup. Not only the cup but also the little action figures as well. He felt so cool. He wished he could recapture some of those still frames in his mind. The pictures of him at his absolute peek. His highest highs.

The glory days.

"What are you thinking about?" He glanced up from his thoughts to find Kevin's green eyes trying to pierce through the thoughts flowing in his brain.

"Just about how happy we were when all this happened" Kevin nodded.

"Do you think that we'll ever find that place again?" AJ glanced upward to his friend, feeling the same nostalgia.

"What place?" He asked now moving onto his cousin's glass and laughing at how odd Brian looked as a super hero.

"The top?" That made Kevin glance back towards his friend. He smiled hoping he would see it mirrored on AJ's face. Only an expression of sadness remained.

"So what's on the menu for tonight? Please don't tell me you are going to cook"

AJ seemed relieved at he sudden topic change and let out a sarcastic grin, "Uh...don't think so Kev. Does my house look like a house of someone that cooks?"

The answer was no. AJ had maybe three pots, a frying pan and a microwave. Sure he had a lot more when Sarah lived there, but he told her to take it with her, he would never have a use for it. His meals consisted mainly of take out and late night drive thru windows. Never Burger King ironically enough.

"We are having food delivered"

"Cool"

Sarah loved to go out and eat but she was also one to make a really good home cooked meal. Every Sunday, when he wasn't on the road, she made him fried chicken, mashed potatoes and biscuits. He looked forward to it all the time, so much so that the other guys would grow jealous. One time he was even forced to bring Nick home because of a lost bet. Of course, Nick probably made that bet just so he could get a nice home cooked meal but even still Sarah was happy to oblige.

That's how she was

"You're thinking about her again aren't you?" AJ never noticed Kevin standing up and making his way over to the window overlooking the outdoor pool.

"Yeah...I miss her"

"I know you do" Kevin turned to face AJ and smiled, "AJ, when all this happened you were doing drugs and drinking excessively. When the deal with Burger King happened, you were already out of control"

A harsh statement, but it was the truth. Funny what your mind lets you remember as fact. Truth is, he barely remember this at all.

"Yeah and?"

"Why would you call that the top?" All AJ could do was shrug.

"And when you were with Amanda, and she cheated on you and left you, you would sit here at this very same table, granted a different house, and you would smile as you remembered how PERFECT things were with the two of you" AJ felt himself tense, he wasn't sure what the point of this conversation was but he didn't think he liked it much anymore.

"Kevin, if you're trying to make me feel worse, it's working" Kevin rolled his eyes and took a seat next to AJ, wrapping his arm around him, "I'm sorry...I'm not trying to make you feel like shit, I'm just trying to make a point"

"Okay, and that point would be?"

"After Amanda left, you didn't think you could go on, but Amanda leaving only paved the way for Sarah's entrance...Just like Sarah's leaving will pave the way for someone else"

"I don't think so Kevin"

"Think about it AJ, after you called her, you said you felt good, like you made the right choice. That means she wasn't really the person for you"

"It doesn't feel like the right choice"

"Not yet, but it will...just like how to you, these days" He held up his Burger King cup, "you felt like you were living at the top, when in actuality you were getting ready to hit rock bottom"

Kevin's words sat on AJ, like a tea bag, gradually sinking in. "You're right Kevin"

He gently pushed his friend away in a loving manner, "I'm ALWAYS right"

"The right girl is waiting for me to find her"

"Yup"

"Thanks man"

"Not a problem"

AJ sat and looked at the cup once again, this time seeing the real picture. A grim picture of him gradually loosing control of himself little by little loosing the real Alex. Late night drug binges chased with a dozen or so beers. And that was on a good night. He hated himself back then.

He smiled, he was wrong, he wasn't living at the top of anything back then. Maybe the best was yet to come...

Looking back on things, i've had a great ride.

Kevin sat back and watched Howie and AJ catch up on old times. He always loved listening to Howie tell stories. He always felt like out of the five of them, he by far had the best stories to tell. Howie had gotten there first, usually the most punctual of the Backstreet Boys with the exception of himself of course.

He looked at the two men who had known each other for such a long time and felt a little pang of jealousy about the connection they seemed to have. Kevin had an incredible bond with Howie, but he and AJ just seemed so relaxed in each other's company. Kevin sat with his hands on the table playing with his fingers as Howie retold what he had said and done to the business guy he was meeting with for that casino. Smiling at how proud Howie was of himself for standing up to the intimidating man in the first place.

"You did the right thing D, those guys would have managed to screw you over eventually, this guy is a good guy" AJ had said pointing towards Kevin, "I trust him"

"Yeah, but, you should have seen the look on the guy's face...priceless" Kevin laughed as Howie imitated the man's surprised expression.

"So when are Brian and Nicky getting here? I admit I was kind of shocked when Brian told me he was going to see Nick" Howie said as he walked over to AJ's refrigerator and grabbed a soda.

"Yeah me too, I'm glad" And Kevin really was. He had been worried about their tall blonde heart throb for quite some time now. He was afraid that given time, Nick would have ended up going into rehab himself. He was sure that the thought lived in the back of everyone's mind.

"I just hope they worked everything out"

"Me too J...me too" Howie sitting down with his Coke looked over to Kevin, "So Kev, what's been going on with you?" He sat up straight and shrugged, "Not too much. Kris is in NY. I think I am going to go up there and surprise her after this"

"What's she doing there?"

"Just working, noting big" Howie nodded, noticing the uneasiness that his slightly older friend was showing only by the quality of his voice.

"Is something wrong?" Kevin shook his head, he didn't mean to become so melancholy all of the sudden and he hardly thought either man would notice. "No, I'm just a little restless that's all"

"I think we all are"

"I'm tired of just sitting around waiting for things to happen"

AJ laughed at Kevin who in return shot his young friend a dirty look, "Why are you laughing at me?"

"Do you ever take a minute to relax...ever man?"

"What do you think I'm doing now?"

"I think you are here rescuing my ass, that's what I think you're doing" Kevin couldn't argue because AJ was right. He had dropped everything to come and help out his friend, but that's just the way he was.

"Would you rather I not have come?"

"No Kevin, I didn't say that. I am just saying, I don't think you ever allow yourself to relax"

"Seriously Kevin, AJ is right, when was the last time you were actually worry free about anything?"

"When did this suddenly become gang up on Kevin time?" Kevin said letting out a nervous giggle.

"Sorry, but you're always so tense about stuff, you need to just chill and relax"

He was ready to lose his cool again. Something that he and the youngest member of their group collectively were notorious for. Ever since he was a child, Kevin was known to speak out of anger and then later regret it. Up until only very recently he had learned the value of biting his tongue. But, he was a passionate guy in every sense of the word and when he felt anger or any emotion, he admitted to it freely. He felt bad because before they had decided to cool things off as a group for a while, or as the press and his record company liked to call it, take a hiatus, he had blown up at all four of them. One by one.

It was right before Nick had even announced his solo plans to the guys and shortly after the Black and Blue wrap up. That odd limbo that there usually is after one project ends and another begins. He was tired of the way Jive was treating all of them and tired of the way that The Firm was constantly ripping them off. He decided to take a stand and when he gave his lecture about this to the others, he had stopped to look at them all one by one. AJ smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings, Howie on his cell phone totally oblivious to the entire conversation and Brian whispering to his wife who always managed to weasel her way into every meeting. Ironically the only one that seemed to be paying any attention was Nick, but it was his facial expressions and grunts that caused Kevin to lose it.

And he did big time.

Starting with Howie telling him to get the hell off the God damned phone and focus for more then three minutes. He told AJ that not everything in the world revolved around him. He said something to the effect of since when did we become a six piece group to Brian and lastly he told Nick to grow up. He flung his hands up in the air and stormed out of the room.

Later on that night he ended up calling every single person and apologizing, even Leighanne. A few weeks later, Nick hit everyone with his decision to go solo.

"What are you thinking about Kevin?" He looked up from his pool of memories to meet Howie's eyes. "Just stupid stuff"

"Oh"

Kevin wished he knew how to relax. He had tried so many times during their break. Nothing seemed to work because his mind never stopped dwelling. "I sometimes feel like I live in the past"

"What?" Howie asked seeming a little surprised.

"The past, you know, like I am eternally living in 1999"

"Why would you feel that way Kev?"

"I don't know. We were so successful. Think about it, now we are failures" And there it was again. The one word that he felt defined him.

Failure.

"We are far from being failures Kevin" The tone in Howie's voice made it sound more like a defensive statement then a sure one.

"Seriously, when people hear the name Backstreet, they laugh. We are a joke"

"You know Kev, everybody has their time to shine. We were lucky to have 1999. Whenever I am down I think of all the great things we achieved. The records we broke. We WERE 1999"

"Yeah but it's 2003. That makes us out dated" Then a profound statement from AJ, had the two older men smile.

"You know Kev, if you always live in the past, you will never enjoy the future"

That was so true. Funny that a guy who looked at his downfall as the high point of his life would say something as deep as that. Kevin found himself doing much the same thing ironically. His dad would have told him, if he were still alive, that you couldn't measure your successes by the level of fame or money you received but by the fun you had along the way.

Those early years weren't fun for Kevin. They were work. But only because he didn't allow himself to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Maybe that was the lesson to be learned in all of this.

"Kev, you're not a failure okay?" Howie said placing an arm around his friend, "Trust me, you are one of the best people I know. It doesn't matter what you have done either. I mean if you were a teacher or a mechanic or an under water welder, you would still be one of the best people I know"

"Yeah only difference is he would be mooching money off of us" AJ said lightening up the mood and making them all laugh.

As Kevin sat back in his chair he took a minute to think about what AJ had said. At that point he decided to make a change in his life. He would learn to relish all the good that came his way. Besides, hadn't his father also said, if you surround yourself with good people, you will never fail.

Looking back at his two friends laughing at his expense, Kevin smiled.

Dad was right...

At the end of the day, I can sit back and smile.

Howie just found himself smiling. He wasn't even entirely sure why. Maybe it was because he had stood his ground with that business man. Maybe it was because he was going to start a new venture with his friend. Or maybe it was even simpler then that. Maybe he was smiling just because he was with the group again. As one whole unit. Not right that second mind you, because as usual Brian and Nick were running at least thirty minutes late, but very soon they would all be together again. As the Backstreet Boys.

It didn't even matter if they were singing, performing or churning butter, as long as they did it together. It made him sad to think that he could really count on one hand the number of times this had happened over the last two years, where the words business meeting wasn't involved. Just five friends getting together, maybe having a few beers and spending time in each other's company. Nope, actually he couldn't even remember one SINGLE time that had happened with all five of them.

For his part, he had gone to see them all while on break. With the exception of Brian. But even with Brian he made sure to call countless times to see how the family was doing. All five of them together in this room was going to be wonderful.

"Whatcha thinking bout Howie D?" Howie turned to AJ and smiled, "Just seeing you guys"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" AJ smiled and nodded. That was his way of saying he felt the same way. He was so happy to see AJ looking healthy and happy for once. Sarah was good for him while they were together, but now that they were apart, he knew it was meant to be that way. AJ couldn't afford to be with anyone until he felt comfortable with himself. In his own skin.

Maybe he was finally ready for that.

And Kevin, well he was just happy that Kevin was there too. He was so surprised to hear Kevin, the one he looked to for advice and guidance, say he thought he was a failure. How could he even think such a thing? Kevin is a rock. Strong and dependable always.

And as for Brian and Nick, well he couldn't wait to see them too. He had talked to Brian recently but it would be great to see him in person. Nick however, he was worried about. He had seen Nick, probably the most out of all of them only because he felt a desire to look after the kid, and living so close to him, he would drop by unannounced.

It had to be around Christmas the last time he had more then a two-second conversation with him on the phone without being totally blown off. The thing is with Nick, he never took it personally. Just worried him that's all.

The doorbell ringing brought another huge smile to Howie's face. Now they were all together. But when Brian walked in alone, his smile quickly faded. He wanted to ask first but was beaten to the punch by Kevin, "Where is Nick?"

Brian gave a half smile. Not in a good way, in a 'why do I have to tell you this' kind of way. "He's not coming"

"What? Why? I don't understand. Weren't you just with him?" AJ asked sounding pissed off, but maybe a little hurt too.

"Yeah I was J, I don't know, as we were getting ready to come here, he said he forgot he already had plans"

AJ gave a throaty laugh and rolled his eyes. "SO what's her name?"

Brian sat down looking serious and concerned, "The thing is...I don't even think he is doing anything but sitting at home staring at the walls"

Kevin sat back and crossed his legs, "What's going on with him?"

"I don't know. We had a great time. Laughed, joked, played video games. The reason I'm so late is because I have spent the last half hour trying to convince him to come"

"Well, screw him then!" AJ stood up, "Anyone want anything to drink?"

Howie shook his head, wishing he had the power to do that. Pretend like he wasn't completely concerned about something when he really was. "Is he okay Brian?"

Brian looked over to Howie and shrugged, "You know D, I used to be able to read Nick like a book but now your guess is as good as mine"

"I really thought...I don't know. I guess I thought you going there would have.."

"Me too"

Howie sat silently watching Kevin. Being able to read his thoughts just by looking at his eyes. "Kev?" The older man looked Howie's way, "He's gonna be okay. He's just figuring things out" Kevin slowly nodded. Not really believing the words that he heard.

Refusing to worry about it any longer, Kevin changed the conversation, "So Brian, how is the baby? Walking yet?"

"No not quite Kev. We have a little ways to go yet"

"I know...He's adorable"

"No argument from me" spoken like a true daddy, Howie thought as he watched his young friend glow with pride.

He remembered when his sister talked about her kids that same way. The love that shined in her eyes. It used to give Howie goosebumps. He would do anything for those kids.

Anything.

He had decided that when the kids were old enough, he was going to start a foundation for each of them. Whichever cause they wanted to fight. Whether it be Lupus or something else, they needed to fight it with passion.

Helping people was the essence of man.

"Maybe we should go to him" They all stopped their friendly conversations and looked over at Howie.

"What did you say D?"

"I said maybe we should go there. To Nick's"

"What's the use D?" AJ stood up and started to pace, "I mean, why does he need a special invitation. If he doesn't want to spend time with us, screw him! I know I don't need him or his imitation badass attitude"

"Oh well said from one imitation badass about another"

"Shut the hell up Kevin, you know what I mean" Howie tensed, and there it was ladies and gentlemen. The tension. Thick like fog, hanging in the air.

"He's trying to find himself. What's so different from when you did the very same thing?" Kevin was getting into his defensive mode.

"Because when I did it I didn't put our careers on ho.." He stopped himself. Kevin raised an eyebrow at AJ's moment of Revelation.

"He is a grown boy. If he doesn't want to come he doesn't have to"

"I want that boy back" Howie said aloud not realizing he hadn't kept that thought to himself. They all looked at him curiously, "I mean, that shy..kid. Where did he go?"

"I'm right here" All heads turned to the door to find Nick standing there looking at all four of his band mates.

"Hey Nicky! How long have you been here?" Howie said standing and immediately grabbing the boy in a hug. He was relieved that he was here. That meant he wasn't out doing drugs or anything. And the sad part was, nowadays, he wasn't sure if that is what was keeping their youngest so distant.

"Long enough to say I'm not an imitation badass!" He went over and bopped AJ softly on the back of his head.

"Yeah you are" AJ joked. His way of saying I'm sorry.

They were all there afterall. The smile that had faded suddenly found it's way on Howie's face again.

Even if it was churning butter....he thought as Nick sat down next to him.

What it comes down to, is the people you love.

Brian bounded over from boy to boy showing them all his latest family pictures. He remembered having them taken so well, with every click of the camera and cry of his son, he knew he finally had himself a real family. One of his very own. The photographer had mentioned, before even realizing that Brian was famous, how camera friendly his family was. He had even asked if it would be okay to showcase them on his wall for potential customers to see.

That's when Leighanne had spilled the beans and told the man about her husband's superstar status. He didn't seem all that impressed, but nevertheless, the Littrells still ended up being showcased on his wall.

There were five pictures in all, when they couldn't decide which one they liked best, they decided to keep all five. The third one in the series was by far his favorite. He was sitting in a huge wicker chair with Baylee on his lap and Leigh standing behind him with her hand placed on his shoulder. All smiling ear to ear thanks to a silly looking puppet the photographer had placed on his hand as he snapped the picture.

"God Bri, your son looks just like you" Howie said knocking Brian out of his memory and back to the smiling face of Howie as he held the picture up toward the sun to get a better look.

"Yeah I know, everyone says that, but he is getting Leigh's personality"

"Poor kid" Kevin said in a joking tone although, the other boys knew better. So did Brian.

"You should put him into modeling or something"

"Yeah, he could be the next Gerber baby" Howie and AJ were going back and forth trying to map out young Baylee's modeling career. Brian however kept stealing glances at Nick. Who was quietly listening to the conversation and smiling. You could tell his thoughts were elsewhere though.

He had been very quiet since he had gotten to AJ's; the only words spoken were the ones he said when he let them all in on his presence. "What do you think?" Brian had the desire to finally ask his young silent friend, just curious to see if his head was really in the conversation at all.

"I think you should wait until Bay is old enough to make up his own mind. That's what I think" He spoke from experience.

"I would never make him model anything" Brian finally said to Howie and AJ making them just kind of shrug and move on to another silly topic. "So what's been up with you Nick?" Howie asked. You could tell he had to actually work himself up to even ask. That made Brian sad. Was everyone really that uncomfortable with each other, that to ask even something as mundane as 'what's new?' took an internal struggle?

"Not too much, just relaxing" He got up and walked away before another word could be uttered.

"Is it something I said?" Howie asked once Nick was out of ear shot. Brian only shrugged. He really had no idea.

"How have you been Howie?"

"I've been good. Kevin and I are buying property together"

"I know, he told me. That's excellent"

"Yeah, I think so" His eyes once again went over to Nick as he sat inside, one leg crossed over the other, tapping his fingers on the kitchen table. All alone.

Brian found himself wondering if Nick was ever going to make his own family portrait someday or if this was it for him. A picture of him sitting alone looking isolated amongst a group of people that really loved him.

He was about to stand up and walk into the kitchen but stopped when he saw Kevin move next to their lost friend and lay a hand on his shoulder. Nick seemed to pull back a little but then smiled as Kevin made his way next to him. His back was facing the rest of the boys but by the look on Nick's face, Kevin was having a serious conversation with him. Even though Brian couldn't read Nick well anymore, he still knew when the boy was sad.

And he was.

He never took the time to notice it before, but there it was, worn on every once of his tall friend like a big metal shield. Brian was so enthralled at what might be going on inside, that he hadn't been aware of what was happening outside. Both Howie and AJ had stopped talking and were also staring into the kitchen as Kevin talked, hand never leaving Nick's shoulder as Nick looked everywhere but at Kevin.

"He's gonna leave us" Howie said after a few minutes of silence.

"You think?" Howie answered AJ's question with a nod.

"He isn't happy anymore"

"We're on break mostly for him. He better not leave" Brian had no opinion about it one way or the other. All he wanted to do was hug him. Take away whatever it was that made him change.

"He pierced his nipples" Brian laughed at the way Howie said it, like a gossipy old grandma whispering about something taboo

Nick's head suddenly jerked towards Kevin, which in turn made the other three boys lean in closer trying their best to find out what in the world was being said in there. "He's gonna get mad and storm out, wanna bet guys?"

"He doesn't look mad to me J"

"I hope he doesn't get mad and punch Kevin"

"I doubt it" Brian said debating on maybe walking into the kitchen for a drink of some kind. Upset at himself for even letting it become his business. One thing he had learned as he grew older, was that people were entitled to their own buisiness. Even if it concerned him directly, they deserved the right to keep some things to themselves. That was something his wife had taught him when he kept calling his brother after he had a terrible fight with their dad. All Brian wanted to do was get to the bottom of what happened. Leigh insisted they just stay out of it.

It all turned out fine in the end.

"It'll all turn out fine in the end" He decided to share with his friends who only exchanged puzzling glances with each other.

"I hardly think him leaving this band will turn out fine in the end" Howie said now turning his attention back to the outside.

Brian opened his mouth to speak but seeing his cousin get up and hug Nick before walking back outside made all other thoughts disappear. Kevin walked out and sat down at the table, turning away from the kitchen and focusing his eyes out to the pool below.

"What was that all about Kevin?" Brian asked when he saw that no one else was going to be nosy first. Kevin smiled, "Just stuff"

"Stuff? Care to elaborate Kev?" AJ asked pulling out a cigarette to the disapproving glance of Howie.

"No, not really" He smiled at Brian, "I'm going swimming, anyone else care to join me?" And with that he got up and walked inside to change. Leaving all of them kind of waiting for more. "That was SO not right" AJ said in a lisp cracking the other two up.

Brian smiled once again looking at his friend still sitting at the kitchen table looking lost but a little more calm, "Maybe it's none of our business"

"Everything is my business" Brian laughed at AJ who said that so seriously, like he was a Don or something.

While AJ and Howie continued to talk to each other, Brian made his way into the kitchen and sat himself down at the table his back to the others. "I'm pretty popular today huh?" Nick asked uncrossing his legs and stretching them out under the table.

"Yeah, well I guess we all kind of missed you that's all" Nick smiled and licked at his lips.

"We are going to go swimming, you coming?"

"I didn't bring a suit"

"Oh, well you can come sit by the pool at least"

"Yeah maybe in a little bit" He still looked like he was in deep thought. Brian wished he could open up that boy's head and look inside, but for now he chose to get up and get his bathing suit on. Just as he was walking out the door a blast from the past, "Hey Frick?" Woah that literally had Brian stop cold. He turned around and laughed. He could tell Nick was waiting for the only logical thing to say, "Yes Frick?"

"I'm Frack"

"Yeah you are, sorry it's been a long time" Nick laughed.

"Yes Frack?"

"That's better" Then he got serious for a second, "I just wanted to say...thanks for coming yesterday. It...well..it means a lot to me"

Brian stood in the doorway hand holding the frame and smiled back at his friend, "You're welcome buddy" Nick nodded.

When Brian turned to walk out he found himself nodding...yup, everything will turn out just fine afterall.

And in the end, the friends I needed were always there.

Nick sat silently watching the four men he looked up to as brothers, confidants and teachers, all smiling and laughing in the pool. It appeared as if no time had gone by at all. It was almost like watching a flashback unfold in front of his eyes, half expecting to see his younger self come racing out of the house and belly flop into the pool without even looking or caring who he got wet along the way.

How many times had he done that? He wondered as he sat back lighting up a cigarette out of everyone's view. They didn't know he had taken up smoking. There was a lot they didn't know.

He put his feet up on the table crossed one over the other and watched as Kevin pulled AJ towards him and dunked him down under the water. Brian's laughter echoing through the air instantly calming him like the scent of baking cookies calms a hungry anxious child.

That's what he felt like. A hungry and anxious child.

After only a few puffs of the cigarette he decided to put it out, before any of the guys questioned him about it. Not that they would, he's not a child, heck they really didn't seem to care about what he did at all.

Maybe that was the problem?

No, he couldn't allow himself to think like that anymore. You act like a child and they'll treat you like one! And wasn't that the truth. All his life, even now at 23, he tended to act like a child which was ironic since he had grown up so fast in this business. He remembered the fight he had with Kevin that sparked him to say those words. "If you act like a child, then you'll be treated like one!" Nick dismissed it as another annoying Kevinism, but later he found it had held so much truth. No matter who he was around, whether they be older than him or younger, he was still treated like a child.

"Hey Nicky, come on in the water's great!" Howie yelled from the pool looking up at Nick and squinting the bright sun away. "Until the day I die, he will forever call me Nicky" He heard himself utter under his amused breath.

"What?... is the water too good for you Kaos?" AJ said with all the sarcasm he could muster dripping from his lips.

"I'm just afraid you might have peed in it or something"

He awaited for the chorus of ewwws to come and smiled wide when they did. He knew these guys so well. He had missed these guys so much. How was it that they could let so much time go by? How was it that he could slowly try to phase them out of his life? They were so important to him.

They are so important to him.

"Nick, you okay up there?" Now it was Brian's turn to ask. Nick uncrossed his legs plopping them down to the ground with a thump, so he could peer over the side of AJ's deck and smile. "Yeah I'm grand, just relaxing"

"Why don't you get your ass down here and relax with the rest of us then" AJ again. Impatient but warm and friendly all at the same tine.

"He'll come down when he's ready" Kevin always understanding when to let things be while at the same time never allowing them to get too far out of his control.

Once Kevin bought him more time, Nick allowed himself to sit back and take in the fresh air. Being out on the road by himself, he hadn't felt so insecure. As insecure as he did with these guys. He was forced to take on the big brother role to his own band, even though he was still a bit younger then some of them. Most of them were his age, but when it came to performing, he was unquestionably the mentor.

He liked the role. He liked the fact that people went to HIM for advice and that people looked at him and said, "Now there's a guy who knows what he's talking about" but when he was with these guys, he didn't feel like that at all.

The sound of intense splashing had him once again peer over the deck to see the four of them playing chicken. He couldn't help but laugh. "And they think I'm immature" He said, just out of their ear's reach.

He stood up and watched as the scene unfolded. Howie on Brian's shoulders and AJ on Kevin's. Both trying to shove the other off. "You know, you guys are too old to be doing that, you might sprain or pull something" Just as he said it, AJ went tumbling off of Kevin's shoulders, splashing into the water. Nick howled with laughter, holding his belly as AJ emerged from the bottom of the pool.

"Well, that sucked!" He said. Nick continued to laugh until he realized they were all staring up at him, squinting and smiling. For some reason that made him torn. Torn between the two Nicks.

The Nick he used to be and the one he had gradually become. The old Nick, would have loped his legs over the side of the deck and jumped straight into the water as his four protector's yelled for him not to do that. It's not safe. You have to think, they would say. He would receive a harsh lecture from Kevin about safety and how with one slip, he could have broken his neck.

And then there was the other Nick. The one he had grown into. This one laughed but then went back to his business, which usually included drinking and carousing for ladies. This Nick, had no need to be protected, no need to be coddled. This Nick was independent Nick. He didn't feel the need to listen to older brothers prattle on about things that had past. Things that didn't interest him anymore.

Things like the Backstreet Boys.

He moved away from the edge and just stood there. These guys always had a way of stirring up his emotions. Maybe that is why he had kept away from them for so long. Seeing Brian standing there at his house, made him almost well up. He was so happy to see him. He never wanted him to go.

To him, Brian represented his childhood.

Now that he was approaching his mid twenties, which was still young by normal people standards but almost ancient in his profession, he found himself wanting to cling to his childhood.

"Aw Nick, why are you being such a damned party pooper?" AJ again, sounding whiny.

He wanted to answer, but couldn't find his voice. Another symptom of hanging out with his big brothers. The guys he loved so much. So instead he just chose not to say anything. And eventually the others just went back to having fun in the pool.

He sat on the table, using a chair as his foot rest and did nothing but listen. Listen to the polite conversations he heard going on in the pool. Kevin talking about his stint in Chicago. Nick wanted to go, but could never find the time. Or AJ talking about life without Sarah. So many times he had wanted to call to check up on him, but never did. Brian talked about Baylee. Again, even when Nick found himself in Georgia, literally only ten minutes away from their house, he felt oddly uncomfortable with even calling his best friend. So, he had yet to even see this boy. The one who they both had SO many late night conversations about. Before he would even meet his wife, fall in love and drift away. He listened for Howie but didn't hear anything. A tap on his shoulder made him realize why.

He look over to see Howie smiling at him, hair wet and frizzing into an uncontrolled mess. "Is it that interesting?"

"What are you talking about D?"

"That tree. You've been staring at it for at least ten minutes"

"I have?"

"Yeah"

"Oh" He smiled and pushed the chair Nick was using as a foot rest out from under his feet and sat down, even though there were at least four other chairs to choose from.

"I was just wondering if you plan on being this antisocial the whole time or what?"

"I'm sorry Howie, I guess I'm just not in the mood to hang out"

"Then why did you come?" Boy was that ever a good question. He really had NO intention of coming. Once Brian had given up trying to convince him otherwise, he had decided to maybe go over to one of his new friends houses. Go swimming or out to a late lunch or something.

But instead he felt abandoned, as if he didn't have a friend in the world, so before he could talk himself out of it, he ventured over to AJ's, instantly calming down when he heard their voices coming from the deck. The same one he was sitting on now.

Even though when he got there, they were talking about him, it had an oddly comfortable feeling attached to it. "Because I missed you guys" He finally said when he realized he had left Howie hanging, waiting for a response.

"We have missed you too" Nick smiled as Howie winked at him. "You know, if you did miss us, you should come on down and hang out, but it's up to you kiddo. Okay?" Nick nodded and just like that Howie was gone. Back downstairs and into the pool.

He sighed heavily as he stood up and walked into the house, He opened the refrigerator door hunting for something to feed his hunger. Brian's laughter echoed in the background, which made him stop and smile. Maybe he wasn't hungry after all.

He turned on his heel and walked down the stairs to meet the rest of the guys. He looked out the glass window at them as they stood there in the pool talking. Smiling and trying to get reacquainted with each other.

Before he even realized he was doing it, he had taken his shoes and socks off and found himself running from the house towards the pool, still wearing his regular clothes as he did a belly flop soaking them all and not even caring.

He came up from the water with a satisfied grin on his face. They thought it was because he had managed to get them wet, but it was for so much more.

Kevin nodded which made Nick smile.

"Hi guys, I'm Nick" He said shaking each of their hands from Kevin all the way to AJ at the end, who answered the shake with a dunk.

He emerged from beneath the luke warm water to see the faces of his friends. The only ones he had ever really known. Sure he had a ton of friends but no one who understood as much as these guys did.

Internal struggles would be there for another day. The future to be decided at another time, today was just a day to be around the people he knew cared about him. And they did. He had finally figured that much out.

And It felt good.


The End