Summary: This is the story of how love tests us all. I had known the day that I had met him that I had fallen, hard. I didn't want to admit it then but I will now. But what exactly happens when you start to fall out of love? When you begin to have second thoughts on the man you thought loved you with his whole heart? What can a girl do to make herself feel loved? Many things but there are consequences. My name is Willow Dorough and this is my story.
Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys Characters: AJ, Howie
Genres: Alternate Universe, Drama, Romance, Suspense
Warnings: Sexual Content
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 12 Completed: No
Word count: 12399 Read: 19872
Published: 05/12/07 Updated: 08/26/09
1. Chapter 1 by scooby
2. Chapter 2 by scooby
3. Chapter 3 by scooby
4. Chapter 4 by scooby
5. Chapter 5 by scooby
6. Chapter 6 by scooby
7. Chapter 7 by scooby
8. Chapter 8 by scooby
9. Chapter 9 by scooby
10. Chapter 10 by scooby
11. Chapter 11 by scooby
12. Chapter 12 by scooby
Author's Notes:
This story is not real. The story being told is complete fiction. There is no affilation with the Backstreet Boys or Howie.
This story, which I am about to tell you, is how one simple object became a family legend. It has helped me find the man that I love. No, I have to change that. To my soul mate for reasons which I will explain in the future.
It started 20 years ago at my hometown of Nashville. My grandfather had once told me that the tree we always sat under was named after me. I was seven but I knew better. He would always try to convince me that the tree had some kind of magic. He would then try to prove the theory by telling the story of him and grandma. He always started the story saying:
"Willow, no matter how old you get, know that you will always learn something new. I've learned that if you love someone you have to let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. They are your soul mate."
He then told the story on how grandma and himself had gotten into a huge fight. She never wanted to see him again. He had hope that she would come back, otherwise he knew he would be a miserable man for the rest of his life. It was one night two years later, while he was reading a book under that very willow that she came back to him. They were in love and felt as if they knew each other more than ever.
Well if that willow was magical how come it didn't save itself? How come it allowed the construction workers, which my parents hired, to tear it down along with all its memories? I never really forgave my parents that day. I watched as the one thing that was a tangible memory of my grandfather get destroyed. I pled saying if they didn't keep it, they would loose me as well. I guess they didn't want to try hard enough.
So now my chapter is being written on how the willow tree changed my life.
When I was finally old enough to leave the house, I left without any hesitation. After all those years, I was still angry with them and I let them know it. I made it a living hell for them in those 10 years. I didn’t know where I gout go that day but I called a taxi, had whatever possessions I could carry and whatever money I could round up.
I ended up with a distant cousin who said would support me in any way. She always believed my parents didn’t treat me like a teenager or an adult for that matter. Since I had my high school degree, I worked at a little family run restaurant to save up to go to the local community college. I wanted to become a writer and a teacher. I wanted to write a book someday about my childhood and I was damn determined to get there. It was three years later that I had started to attend college that I saw him.
I was still working in the restaurant when he walked in. I looked toward Angela who looked like she wanted to eat him for lunch.
“Ang, he is on my side of the restaurant.”
“Yeah but I don’t have anyone on my side.”
“Rock, Paper, Scissors?”
“Alright, deal.”
After two rounds I was at his table with a menu. Those hazel eyes could melt any girl’s heart. He looked like he was having a rough day.
“Hey, don’t look so happy!” I said sarcastically. He gave a little grin as he looked up at me.
“It’s been on of those days.”
“Well what can I get you to feel better?”
“Just a cup of coffee is fine. I have to get back to class in a few anyways.”
“Where do you go to?”
“Kirtland.”
“Me too! Small world I guess. Surprised I haven’t run into you around campus. Well I’ll be back in a minute.”
With my back turned I remember mouthing “Oh My God” to Ang. Instantly she grabbed my arm and took me back to the kitchen.
“What’s he like? Is he single? Is he from around here?”
“All I know is that he goes to Kirtland.”
“Well go and find out more!”
I walked out of the kitchen, grabbing a cup to take out of him along with a post of coffee.
“Must be a rough day if you’re having coffee at 3 in the afternoon.
“ Well I got late for class today and walked in on my girlfriend with another guy.”
“Oh my God! I’m so sorry! I don’t know how people do that kind of thing. Well my friend back there seems to be interested in you.”
He chuckled. “Nah, she’s not my type. Yeah things just weren’t really working out for us anyways.”
“Well then I think this coffee is on me. You need a little something to brighten up your day.”
“Thanks but you don’t need to do that.”
“No, I insist.” I gave a gentle smile as he quickly glimpsed at his watch.
“I gotta go. Thank you again. I’m Howie by the way.”
“Willow. And I’d do it anytime. I mean…”
“Willow…what a beautiful name for a beautiful person.” He took my hand and kissed the back of it. “I hope that maybe I will see you again.”
He grabbed his jacket and header toward the door and left. At that moment, I was so shocked that I didn’t even hear Ang calling me. I was still lost in his eyes and those kind words.
After that day, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to see him ever again. But I could never stop thinking about that day, about him. One day I had even caught myself writing his name on my notebook. Of course I scribbled it out. So as many in my case would do, I gave up hope on ever seeing him again. That was until Ang told me that he had been stopping by the resturant looking for me. I almost died. He was looking for me! I wanted to jump up and down at the thought of it. Could he be the one for me? Oh hell yes. He was perfect in everyway that I could see. Gorgeous eyes, captivating smile, amazing body, great personality and I'm sure a whole lot more. Ang had given him my number. At that moment, it felt like someone slapped me.
It brought me back to reality and I went back to my apartment to see if there was a message from him. My machine was blinking. 'Don't give up hope. It could be him.' Both of them were from him. I can still remember them:
Tuesday April 16 at 2:35 PM
Hi Willow? I hope your friend gave me the correct number. I wanted to get in touch. I don't usually run into you and I thought I'd call to talk. My number is 550-3598. Oh this is Howie by the way. Bye
Tuesday April 16 at 4:47 PM
Willow I wanted to ask you something the first time I called but ( sigh ) will you go out with me tonight? (hesitation) I want to repay you for the other day. Say around seven? I'l be out after 5:30 so if I don't get a call back I'll just assume to pick you up at your place. Your friend gave me your address too. If not...well I'll be the fool for tonight. ( chuckle) See you then.
I about jumped out of my skin because he had already left his place. It was 6:40. My main question was whether I should go or not. I wanted to but there wouldn't be enough time to get ready. So many questions were racing through my mind: Should I stay or go? Casual or dressy? Curly or straight? Makeup or none? I quickly ran to my room and had gotten a white, flowing skirt which had a graphic of a red flower on the edge of it. I threw on a red 3/4 sleeved shirt which had a tear drop neck. I put the necklace that my grandfather had given me the year before he died. It was a crystal in the shape of a butterfly and in each wing was a single diamond. He would want me to go. I could sense it as if he was there. I went into the bathroom and took a brush through my fire red hair which started to curl at the tips. Applying just a little mascara and a long lasting lipstick was the makeup of the night. I was just finishing up when I heard a knock at the door.
He came right on the dot. He was wearing khakis and a black polo. He looked fantastic. The things that I remember about that night was sitting at the dinner table, being captivated by his hazel eyes. He talked about him family and a group of friends trying to start a band. It was exciting! I remember how he gently traced my hand when I had laid it on the table. Then when he dropped me back off at my place, he had taken my hand as I was just about to walk to the door and he kissed me. So sweet and tender it made me weak in the knees. It was that night that I truely knew that I loved him. A year and a half and two dozen+ dates later, he asked me to be his wife. I couldn't refuse. He was my life and I was his. Or so I had thought. This is the beginning of where it all went wrong.
Author's Notes:
After this chapter I promise it will start to pick up and get a little interesting...I know it's kinda slow.
It had been our sixth year of marriage when it began. Howie by then was a major part of the Backstreet Boys. I loved that he loved his job. He got to tour around different countries and sometimes I would get to go with him. Not very often though. If they weren’t on tour, they were practicing in the studio. It was starting to be that I rarely ever got to see him.
“ Howie, can’t you take off just a few days? I mean we haven’t really seen each other in two months.”
“I can’t just take off Willow. I can’t leave the guys hanging. We’re in the middle of planning the tour and I need to be there as much as a can.”
“Not even one day?” I had given him puppy eyes that he just couldn’t resist.
“Oh Willow ple…I’ll see what I can do.”
I had given him a much-missed kiss in return for just a hope of seeing him. He was so absent and I was starting to feel empty. He looked around the room as if he were lost. He stared at me as if he had never before really seen me in his entire life.
“ Honey, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. You ever have on of those feelings…those that just sit in the pit of your stomach as if you know something bad is going to happen but you just don’t know it yet?”
“ Don’t have that feeling, Howie. Everything is ok. Nothing bad has been happening at work has it?”
“No. Everything is fine. Eh…I’m not gonna worry about it. Well I gotta get back to the studio.”
He left without really saying goodbye. It was the first time he had done that all the years we have been together. I used to get phone calls saying when he would be late or even just to say that he loved me. That stopped a while ago. That night tipped me off the edge. It’s what started the thoughts in my head.
I walked outside to sit under the willow. We got the house because it had one. In my mind, it was in the memory of my grandpa and when I would sit under the tree, he was there with me. I sat and wondered. Were things going a little different between D and me? I could hear some voice talking to me…telling me things I hated to hear and things I have longed to hear.
You should just give up. He doesn’t care about you anymore. If he did, he would be around more often. He would call you while he’s away. He can’t wait to get rid of you. You should show him what you’re really like.
The devil was racing through my mind: what could I say, what could I do. It seemed as if I wanted to just yell and make it all go away. He loved me. He’ll come back to me.
Or so I thought. He left that next week for tour and didn’t even invite me to come along. It was at that time when I came to realize I made a mistake. I didn’t demand the love I needed from him, the affection that I daily needed to continue on. This is when I found my solution. His name was Daniel.
I had worked with him for a period of time. He was a new teacher at the school which I had been working at. I had been there for 7 years, he for 2. Staff meetings were when we saw each other. He was the newer biology teacher and sometimes we would talk about new ideas. I, at one time, loved the ideas and creativity needed for science. We talked of theories and writings. One night he asked me to dinner. I told him I couldn’t because of my husband. He had given me his number anyways for in case I ever needed to talk to him. He said he would be over as fast as he could anytime. He would leave notes on my desk, in my mailbox. It was almost like a game between us. He knew me. He cared about me although he knew I was married.
He knew something was wrong when he came to my classroom after the day was done. I was staring deeply into space as he knocked on my door.
“Willow…what’s wrong?”
“Have you ever felt so rejected? As if you were some piece of garbage being kicked around? That’s how I feel today.”
“Babe, I know it’s got to be a tough time for you and Howie but I know you can work it out.”
Babe…God I could hear him call me that all day. Just how he would say that, say my name made me shiver.
“I don’t know about this time Danny. It’s just so…tiresome. I feel so alone.” He came beside me and wrapped his arms around me.
“How about I come over and make you some dinner tonight. Keep you company.”
“Actually that sounds great.” I stated with a gentle grin
As he left the classroom, a slow panic came over me. ‘What am I doing flirting with him? I’m a married woman…but he knows that and he’s a friend.’ I became calm again and didn’t think anything of it.
I went back to my house and was trying to decide whether I should change into something different. I decided against it and picked up the book I was reading, sitting down in the nearby chair. Half an hour later, he appears at the door with a bag of groceries in hand and a smile on his adorable face.
“You didn’t need to bring a buffet!”
“Well I wanted to make sure I brought all the essentials. Man can’t make a fool of himself because he forgot an ingredient.”
I proceed to help him by unloading the bags but he quickly shoos me away.
“Go do something productive. I’m making dinner.”
I give him a kidding, friendly shove and laughed my way back to my chair and my book. Only I didn’t read because I was occupied with something else.
He had changed into a different dress shirt. I really didn’t realize it until I would glimpse at him cooking up some chicken and pasta. His chocolate colored hair just started to grow a little long. A black dress shirt with a white tie made him look absolutely gorgeous. I couldn’t stop staring at him either as we were eating the delicious dinner of chicken parmesan with a ’76 Chardonnay which wasn’t helping me any. We took our wine over to the couch and sat trying to make a little small talk.
“How long is he gone for this time?” he said with the sense of sarcasm.
“Four or five months. Give or take a few. And that whole time I will be lucky if I hear a word from him.”
“This isn’t right Willow. Have you talked to him about it?”
“Yeah but it’s his job. I can’t make him stop doing what he loves. I wouldn’t want him to tell me to stop teaching.”
“But this is different. You don’t stay away for months at a time.”
“I deal with it and I have to support him.”
“All I can say is that I hope one day I can find a woman as dedicated to me as you are to him,” he said in a some what harsh tone.
“What exactly is that supposed to mean Danny? Why are you worrying about this whole situation so much? Why...”
“Because I love you, Willow. Not just as my friend. I have wanted to be in your thoughts during the day and in your arms at night. You have such a loving nature about you and I love you so damn much.”
I stared at him in almost disbelief. If I had known better I would have gotten up and pointed my finger to the door saying “Get out of my house.” But I believed every word he said and I shivered. A chill kept racing down my spine because of thought running in my mind…wants and needs.
“Stay with me tonight.” I barely whispered
The candlelight flickered across his face. He looked at me with questioning eyes.
Sounding like a child, I said “Danny, please stay with me tonight.”
He set down his wine glass and took mine from my hands. He gently brushed his hand on my cheek, looking deep into my soul. His kiss was warm and gentle, so soft that I craved for more. Our kiss became more passionate as I gently tugged his tie for him to follow me back towards the bedroom, our bedroom. I saw our wedding picture sitting on the dresser, his face seeming to be judging me. I lay the picture face down on the dresser so those eyes couldn’t haunt my happiness.
He sat on the edge of the bed, looking at me with passionate, unsure eyes. I sat next to him and just looked deeply at him. ‘Where did our passion go? Why isn’t Howie like Danny?’ I placed my hand on his leg and his hand graced over mine.
“I can’t go this far tonight. I want to. God I want to but right now what I need is comfort…just you beside me. I’m sorry Danny.” My eyes started to blur over in fresh tears as I leaned into him. His eyes softened. His thumb gently brushed a stray tear off my cheek.
“Will, its ok. Just either way, remember what I said tonight. I meant it all.”
“I still want you to stay. Please.” I get up and start to pull back the covers. We got into bed and he cuddled up next to me. Nothing had happened that night. All I can remember is that for the night in a long time, I fell asleep happy.
As days turned into weeks, I found it harder and harder to keep away from him. Every time I would see him, I would try to go another way but eventually I would run into him and get googly eyed. This day, I wanted him to stay again. I missed his embrace and the comfort I felt with him being around since that night. I ran into him before our last period for the day.
“ Hi Mr.Post.”
“ Hi Mrs. Dorough.” I almost cringed at the sound of my name. Is it wrong to feel a little angry at a name of the husband who really doesn’t care a damn thing about you?
“I was wondering if we could have a consult over some new theories tonight.” He looked at me with surprise.
“New theories huh? Is there some experimentation?” I almost didn’t know if I could take the teasing.
“Possibly. Could you meet me at my house at 7?”
“I would be more than delighted to.”
I smiled as I walked back into my classroom. It’s nice that this is my open hour so I could really sort out my priorities. Sex was a word that kept popping up here and there. I knew better but how was I supposed to control myself when I haven’t been laid in a year and a half? Damn it. I didn’t know right from wrong back then. It was all starting to blend together. Don’t look at me with those judging eyes. Let me hear your story and then you can judge.
Just as I was about to leave my classroom, my desk phone began to ring. My heart leapt a little thinking of who it could be.
“ Hello?”
“ Hi Honey. How are you doing today? I hope that I’m not interrupting your class.”
I felt a smile cross over my face. “ No, you called at just the right time. I was just about to leave for home. Where are you? Are you coming home tonight?”
“ Sadly no. I told Jerry that I was going to work on setting up some stuff around the tour. I won’t be coming home for another couple of weeks. The rest of the guys are home though. I miss you so much Willow.”
Anger and sadness struck at the same time. Sad that he wouldn’t be coming home as soon as he said and angry because he hadn’t called me in the past six months. I think back on that and I think he heard both in my voice.
“ I miss you too Howie. You have no idea. You have been busy all this time…I miss hearing your voice.”
“ Honey, I know you must be really upset with me right now but I promise that I will make it home as soon as I can.” At that moment I heard a woman in the background “ Howie, when are you going to bed?” I was shocked as hell as a heard the voice of another woman. “ Honey I…”
“ I gotta let you go Howie. I will talk to you later.” I slammed the phone back in the cradle and didn’t know what to think. Was he cheating? Was it just one of the dancers wanting to use the phone? At that point I instantly considered it cheating…considering it was 2 in the morning where they were according to the schedule.
I kept thinking about him as I was driving back to the house. I only wish he could show his true emotions to be like we used to. There is that thin little line that a married woman is never supposed to cross. What if I didn’t cross it but stepped only on the line?
I had made up my mind for that night. I knew what was going to happen and I would not regret it one bit. After a little bit of reading on the couch, I decided that I should set up my little plan for tonight. I had heard him open the door. I had given him a key for this occasion. I could hear him walk thought the kitchen to the living room.
“ Will? Where are you?”
“ Right here Danny.” I had walked out of the hallway wearing a black teddy and a silk black robe. My hair was down and slightly curly. He had the look of awe on his face.
“ Willow…you look…amazing.”
He started to slowly make his way toward me. I could feel myself blush a little.
“Thank You”
He placed his hands on my waist, feeling the heat from them through the teddy. He lifted me in his arms and took me back to the bedroom. He laid me on the bed and I watched as he slowly took off the shirt he had worn to work that day.
“ Are you sure about this Willow?” he asked, his chiseled chest bare to me.
“If I wasn’t sure about it, I wouldn’t have invited you tonight.”
I was sitting on the side of the bed and he came over, softly kissing my neck. My hands moved over his chest. He was starting to lay me down on the bed when I heard it. The door had opened into the kitchen. I knew it.
“Danny,” I whispered, “ Did you hear something?”
“No I…”
“Willow? Ya home?”
“ Oh my God!” I jumped up. “ You gotta get out of here! Go out the back door to the porch.”
Danny ran to the sliding door and opened it. Before he made a mad dash out, he looked back at me and said “ I love you Willow”. I smiled a moment and stared at the innocence in his eyes. “ Quick go!” He went out the door. I was about to leave the room when I noticed him shirt still on the floor. I stuffed it quickly under the bed just as I heard the bedroom door open. I wanted to look convincing so I pulled the baseball bat that we kept under out bed to look as I was about to attack. I quickly spun and Howie ducked.
“Oh my God…honey are you ok?” I looked at him with concern. “ I was sleeping when all of a sudden I heard the front door open. I thought you were a burglar!”
“Everything is ok Willow don’t worry. You look lovely for just sleeping.” He had a questioning look in his eyes. “ You left some candles burning in the living room too.”
He must have seen the shock in my face. He must have.
“ Who was parked in our driveway Willow?” This was not turning out to be a good night.
“What do you mean? There was someone parked in the driveway?”
“Don’t play games with me, love. Who is he?” Love? He has never called me love. Something really weird is going on.
“It must have been the neighbor again. His son has had to…”
He walked to where I had gotten the bat from under the bed. He pulled out Danny’s shirt.
“Then what the hell is this?”
“Howie, it isn’t what…”
“What I think? Then tell me what I’m thinking Willow hmm? I’m thinking that my wife has turned into a sneaking whore.”
I slapped him square across the jaw. He had no right to call me that. Well maybe a little but I never did sleep with Danny so I never cheated on him.
He had his hand on his face. “ I’m leaving the house for half an hour. When I get back, you better be gone.”
He left the room before I could get another word in. I started to break down and cry. I know I shouldn’t have done any of it but it was not entirely my fault. I got my cell phone and tried to call Ang. No answer. My cousin was out of town for the next week and I was not going to call my parent. I can’t stay with Danny because he is the one that got me into the situation. Damn temptation. That left me only one person. He is close to me like a brother. But if Howie found out, it could be holy hell. Too bad, I was already there.
*Ring* *Ring* Hello?
“Hi, it’s Willow. I have a situation. Can I please stay at your place for tonight?”
“Yeah no problem babe. What’s wrong?”
“I really fucked up. I’ll tell you when I get over there. It will be about half an hour.”
“Ok Will. Bye.”
I grabbed all three of my suitcases and grabbed piles out of my closet, the dresser, and bathroom. Wasn’t wise for him to leave me alone. Guess we’ll have to go through it all in court. I knew it was going to be the end. I took one last look around the house before walking out to the Mustang. At least I knew he couldn’t get my car. I bought it all by myself without his help. My willow tree! Now that was something I would have to worry about. If he so much as touches my tree he was going to get it. He knew how much the symbol of the tree meant to me. I started driving away from my home. What have I done?
I pulled into the driveway of a little cabin set back into the woods. I walked up to the door and gently knocked. I looked a little awkward wearing a leather trench coat over a silk robe and teddy. He opened the door. He must have seen the hopeless expression on my face. He wrapped his arms around me as stray tears rolled down my cheek. I looked down at his branded arms.
“ How many more of these are you gonna get?”
He gave me a smile. “ Until you have a total fit, how’s that? When are you getting yours, missy?”
I gave AJ an amused look. “ Probably never. After this divorce.”
“Divorce? Oh dear.”
“The thing is I didn’t have an affair…it just looks like I did.”
I shrugged, taking off the trench coat then sitting on the couch. He sat down in the chair across from the couch before noticing what I was wearing.
“ Woo hoo! Will, baby, you know how to take things to the next level!”
“J…keep your dick in your pants…where it belongs!”
He chuckled to himself and gave me a smirk.
“Ah you know I couldn’t do a things like that. You’re like a little sis to me. It would..”
“Just be too weird and demented? Even for your taste?” I interrupted.
“You win that one. Want a drink?”
“Actually yes. I just don’t know how it got this far you know? Howie just all of a sudden doesn’t seem to care about me like he used to. I feel so empty inside.”
AJ brought back a glass of rum and coke. As I started sipping at it (he made it strong of course) he asked, “ Have you ever actually told him that?”
“Since when have you become my shrink? I knew something was wrong when he left for tour. He seemed so absent. I tried to get him to take some time off.”
At that moment, the phone rang. J picked up.
“Hello?”
“Hey AJ. Have you talked to Willow lately?”
“No what’s up?”
“Ah…I was wondering if I could come over and talk to you.”
“Well ah…I was just about to leave but”
“ Thanks AJ. I’ll be there about an hour. Thanks.”
AJ gave me a look as he set the phone back into place. I knew as soon as I saw that look that things were not going to get any better.
“We need to move your car and you’re gonna need to stay in the bedroom upstairs. Your hubby in coming over for a bitch session I think.”
“Oh dear God. This night never ends. Can you just shoot me now? Please?”
“No. You’re too precious. That’s why I’m trying to save you from him. I’ll bring in your stuff then I’ll move your car.
I quickly went out to my car with him to try and grab all the suitcases at once. I shoved them through the door then took two upstairs. I went into the first room and set the bags in the doorway. As I went to get the last one, AJ walked through the door and handed me back my keys.
“ The car is all set. He won’t be able to see where I parked it but it’s in a safe place.”
“Thanks so much for everything, J,” I said giving him a hug. “I’m sorry that we are pulling you into this.”
“Everything is gonna be ok, Will. It will all work out in the end. Now go upstairs and change out of the outfit, woman. The snake is wanting to come out and play.”
I gave him a slug in the arm. I knew it was all fun and games. He would never go as far as trying to sleep with me. It would be too weird. I went up to the room and took a nice warm shower before changing into a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt. I went back downstairs to grab my rum and coke.
“This better for you?” I asked while striking a pose.
“Much better. Came to get your drink?”
“Yeah. Can’t waste good booze.”
He gave me a gentle smile. His face showed that he was slightly sad. I was wondering what was exactly going in his head. Before I could ask, he said “ Better get back upstairs as much as I hate to shove you around. He’ll pry be here in a few minutes.”
As I was starting to walk back up the stairs there was a knock on the door. That would be a guarantee that he was here. Early like always. I closed the door to the bedroom not wanting to hear what he had to say about any of it.
There was a point sitting in that room like a caged tiger that I wanted to know what they were saying. I made a promise to myself that what either of them was saying, I would not burst out of the room and let myself be known. I carefully opened the door and listened.
“D, what’s wrong that you needed to rush over here?”
“Willow is…is cheating on me. I found her when I got home dressed in a lingerie outfit I had gotten her.”
“What makes you think that she is cheating on you and that she just wasn’t trying to surprise you?”
“She surprised me alright. There was a car parked in our driveway and after I was trying to look for her in the house, I saw him run across the lawn with his shirt off to his car. I didn’t tell her I saw him when I confronted her. I was giving her a chance but she denied it.”
“Maybe he was coming to drop something off for you al she was sleeping. He came to the door and he had spilt something on this shirt and needed to take it off.’
“Then why would she hide it under the bed away from me? She cheated on me! Hell she might have been doing this the entire time of the tour.” He broke down, falling to the couch. AJ sat down beside him. “ I knew something wasn’t right when I was leaving. It hasn’t been the same for the past year. She was always so distant. Maybe it is better that it ends like this. I don’t know if I can trust her anymore.”
“D, don’t try to make these decisions so quickly. Try to work it out between you two.”
“ No AJ. I don’t think I even want to. If she doesn’t want me, then I’ll leave. At least I’ll be the bigger man and admit it. I don’t …I don’t think I..”
“You’ll be the bigger man?!” I walked out of the room. I couldn’t take it anymore. Both Howie and AJ looked up toward the railing. AJ had that “ What the hell are you doing?!” look. I’d hope he’d understand later.
“Yes Willow I am because I’m going to admit that this will not work. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I can trust you ever again.”
“You’re blaming me? You started it Howie! You started the fucking landslide! Do you now how long it has been since we have really gotten to spend any quality time together? Almost a year and a half! I’ve been alone for a year and a half. And I did not cheat on you! I could have but I knew better.”
“Well you can go fuck this guy anytime now Willow because it’s done. I’m done with this marriage, done with the commitment and most of all I’m done with you.”
I just stared at him with a burning rage. At that moment I just didn’t know what to say. “ Well Howie you were going to say something before I interrupted you. Tell me dear, what were you going to say?”
He got up and started to walk toward the door. There was only one thing that I could think of that could possibly have stopped him in his tracks. “Who is she?”
He stopped and slowly turned to face me. “What are you talking about?”
“That day when you were calling me at the school…there was a woman in the background asking when you were coming to bed. WHO IS SHE?!”
AJ looked at him as if someone had slapped him in the face. Questions ran across his face. “ What did you do?”
“I’m not going to take anymore of this. AJ…watch out.. you might be next.”
“Oh you little baby. You’re such a coward! You’re the cheater!”
“You wanna know what I was gonna say?! I DON”T LOVE YOU ANYMORE WILLOW! Are you happy? I know I am! I feel a hell of a lot better!” He said while slamming the door shut.
I collapsed under the pressure. Questions still left unanswered and the feeling that my heart was ripped out of my chest. AJ came running up the stairs and cradled me in his arms. Between sobs, I kept repeating over and over “What did I do to deserve this? What did I do?”. He did all that he could do as I sat there – he held me like a best friend or a loving brother would do. He rubbed his hand gently in circles across my back.
“He’ll come to his senses, Will. You are the best thing that has happened in his life and I don’t think he could ever get rid of you. He loves you. Loves you more than life itself.”
My sobbing slowed and I slumped into him. I was drained. So tired. I think he saw it in my eyes as he lifted my face to look at him. He lifted me up in his arms and took me to the room I was staying in. He laid me on the bed and pulled a blanket up over me.
Next thing I remember was waking up in the dark in a room that wasn’t mine. At first I thought everything that had happened had just been a scary dream but then I knew better. I lay on the queen bed and was suddenly both scared and lonely. It was the first time in a very long time that I was alone. I knew this whole thing started with me feeling alone but I was guaranteed that someone would be coming home to me. Not anymore. I slowly crawled out of bed and left my room. I went down the hall to AJ’s room. Maybe he was still awake. I knocked on the door. No response. I opened the door a little, seeing that it was dark. I went over to the bed and lifted up the sheets climbing in. I faced the wall finding some comfort in just its blankness. I could feel his body heat and that was enough to make me feel a little better. I heard him start to wake up.
“Will, baby what’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry to wake you up. I just realized that this is the first time I have truly been alone.”
I felt him turn in the bed, his eyes burning against my back. I felt him cuddle up close to me, feeling the intensity of his body heat. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck.
“It’ll be ok Willow. You’re not alone. You know I love you right?”
I felt a smile creep over my face. It was a true genuine smile, which felt so good in that moment. I nestled closer into him as if I could cuddle through him. I felt his breath warm on my neck and his arms getting tighter around me.
“ I love you too.” And I meant it.
I stayed at AJ’s place for a while. It was almost like a routine. We’d have our separate lives during the day but when it came time to go to bed, I would snuggle in his bed. He was my security blanket in sorts. I felt like everything was back to normal when I could cuddle up close. He never minded the fact that we had the routine for almost 3 months.
Howie and I never did try to make amends after that night. I had barely communicated with Daniel again. I guess I put the blame on him instead of myself. He moved and taught in a different part of the state. AJ would try to talk to Howie but he would always walk away. I was too angry and emotionally damaged to want to go and talk to him. He didn’t love me anymore. How was I supposed to act? Yeah I know what you’re thinking. I’m the one that turned my own husband against me for my own wants and needs. Or maybe you’re on my side. Either way the divorce ended up messy. After almost 4 months, the divorce papers were sent to AJ’s cabin, already signed with the love of my life’s name. I signed them because I knew it was what he truly wanted now. No more tears, no more hiding. It was time for me to be a grown up again. The week after, I received a call about a meeting with lawyers. Discussing what will be given and taken forever.
When he walked through the door at the lawyer’s office, he looked as if he normally did. I knew I looked like shit. I didn’t care.
“Now Mr. Dorough has asked for certain things to be returned, Ms. Foster.”
“Like what in particular? I don’t have…”
“My grandmother’s ring and her earrings.”
I gave a look of slight shock
“Howie, she promised me those in her will. She gave them…”
“You’re not apart of the family anymore. I want those to stay in the family line.”
“I can’t believe you.”
“ Mr. Dorough also would like..”
“Nothing else matters,” I said as I started to walk away from the table. “Take whatever you want.”
“Ms. Foster, you’re entrusting the property and all its belongings to Mr. Dorough then?”
“Yes.” I kept walking away until…
“Willow…I want you to have that tree. You’re giving up the rights to the house but I want you to have the rights over the willow tree. I know how much it means to you.”
I could hear the sincerity in his voice although his face had bore no expression.
“Thank you, Howie. At least I’ll leave with something still close to my heart.”
In the end, Howie had given me a portion of his tour paychecks, which left me in good hands. I was able to visit the willow anytime I pleased. If I crossed the border of the driveway without his permission, I would lose the rights. It was as if the tree were a child. But I didn’t care. He proved to me that he still cared enough to let me near that tree. After a while, I bought an apartment that was close to the school. I started my life over again. That’s the end of it. That’s my sad conclusion of my story. Or so I had thought.
It had been a year and a half since our final divorce meeting. Since I had the rights to the tree, I would come and sit, grading papers after school was finished. Every now and again I could feel Howie looking back at me. There was so many times that I missed him and I wondered if he had missed me. Then there were the days that I was so angry with him for being a quitter and wondered if the other woman was sleeping in my bed. It wasn’t until one day that I had stayed under the tree for an entire day that fate decided to play a game with us.
The rain was pouring down. The willow wasn’t giving much protection from the rain. It was cold but I was hot with anger. I didn’t care. It was my damn tree and I could sit by it whenever I damn well pleased.
The lights were on in the house. I almost wondered if he was looking out the window laughing at me. Did he change the house? Are there any memories of us on the walls? Probably not, being that it almost seemed we hated each other’s guts. I wished I had remembered my umbrella.
I suddenly heard a loud bang and looked toward the side patio. He had just walked outside and looked right at me.
“Willow, will you get your stubborn ass inside the house?”
“Ohhh! Name-calling! That makes me want to jump right up and walk in!”
He leaned over the railing, smug look on his face.
“I know your car is parked at least a mile away so just come into the house would you?”
“Not my property anymore. Can’t step into it.” I shuffled papers trying to ignore the insect only a few feet away.
“You can if you plead insanity.”
I looked at him, eyes a blaze with rage.
“Damnit when are you gonna let this go!? You know I am never gonna stop coming to see this tree. So stop being so damn pissy about it.”
Thunder rolled in the distance. It wasn’t supposed to be a thunderstorm!
“Will you please come in before the storm gets here?”
“No!”
As if God heard me at that moment and didn’t like my answer, a bolt of lightning came down and almost hit the tree.
“Willow!”
He came running down the steps as I tried to compose myself and make a run for the house. We met half way and I just looked at him. His eyes were full of fear yet they were hauntingly beautiful. I let him take my hand as we ran toward the house. Once we got inside, he gave me a once over. He was genuinely concerned whether I was all right.
“ Howie, you don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine. The lightning didn’t even get close enough to me.”
“God Willow how could I not worry? You almost died tonight! Here let me get you some dry clothes to change into. I don’t want you to get an ammonia.”
He left the room. I was tempted to say something combative but thought better and held my tongue. I was going be there for a while and there was no use in trying to fight him.
He came back with some clothes. He handed them gently to me before he went back toward the bedroom. Of course he would change there. It was his house. I walked toward the bathroom then closed the door. I thought I should take a warm shower before I changed. Everything was still the way it was before it all happened. I missed him. Deep down I did and I wasn’t even sure if he would ever feel the same way again. The warm water had felt so good running down my back.
After I created a steam chamber for the bathroom, I quickly got a towel and dried off. I began to look at the clothes, feel them. Those pajama pants were his favorite. I could never get him to stop wearing them. I put both the shirt and pants on and I was over-whelmed. It smelled of him, something that I had missed for so long. Tears came to my eyes as I realized how much I still loved him. I couldn’t stop myself. I thought it was so foolish and commanded myself to stop but it was no use. I sat on the counter sobbing when I suddenly heard a knock on the door.
“Willow, are you ok? What’s wrong?”
Deep down I wanted to yell ‘ just leave me alone’ when he started opening the door. I let him come in. He had true concern on his face as he walked in front of me.
“Willow, honey what’s wrong?”
My break down had just taken a turn for the worst. I started to lean toward him, resting my head into his chest. He held me gently, combing his fingers through my hair. I knew that I had to tell him and I knew I would then be rejected. I just had to. Through my sobs I tried to say it.
“Howie…I ….I still love you.”
He stopped combing through my hair.
“What did you say, honey?”
He lifted my head from the comfortable position that I did not want to leave. By now, my eyes had to have been bloodshot and I was a total mess. He cradled my head with the palms of his hands.
“Howie, I still love…”
He had softly kissed me. I didn’t know whether to break down in tears again or fall deep into him. I kissed him back, his hands on my back. He lifted me off the counter and walked toward the bedroom. He laid me down and started kissing me passionately. I wanted him, I needed him but something inside was being cautious.
“Howie, I want this to mean something. I don’t want this to happen if tomorrow we’re gonna start yelling back and forth to each other again.”
“No. No this has meaning Willow. Because even though all this happened, I knew it was because of me. I realized it was my fault and not yours and the divorce was a big mistake because I still loved you too.”
I got up a little bit, my eyes searching his soul. He meant it. He meant it all. I reached for him and began to unbutton his shirt. As he took it off, I noticed I gasped. I don’t know why but I did. I traced a hang gently across his chest. He was watching me. I could feel his eyes burning. Although we had made love before, this was going to be like the first time. I reached up and kissed him. My hands graced over his back. He laid me back down on the bed. He started to unbutton the shirt I had been wearing. I had taken it off and relaxed again back on the bed.
“God you’re beautiful.” He murmured.
He started to kiss my neck, planting kisses everywhere. I gently bit my lip as I felt his lips gently brush over my flesh. Starting to kiss down my stomach, he had my mind swirling in ecstasy. He looked at me, eyes burning with passion. Minutes later, we both collapsed into each other’s arms. Everything felt the way it should be or at least the way it was before the big mess.
I woke up the next morning, trying to decipher whether what happened last night was real or fantasy. I looked out the sliding door, recognizing the back porch as the storm clouds still loomed over the house from the day before. I turned to look at him and realized he wasn’t there. There was a note that read:
Willow,
To have you in my arms again makes me feel complete. I did not wish to wake you but I had some things I needed to take care of this morning.
All my love,
D
My heart did the middle school leap of excitement and joy as I read that note. It had completely meant last night truly mean something.
‘ But how much did it really mean to him’ I thought ‘ You would think by now he would have set up a new direction in his life after the separation.’
Just as suddenly as the joy had welled up in me, there came a sense of apprehension.
‘Just because I broke down last night didn’t necessarily mean that I hadn’t moved ahead either!’
Suddenly I began to feel the house of cards slowly tumbling down. I had gotten out of bed and found the clothes I had worn before the amazing night. I put Howie’s clothes back on and picked up my wet clothes, heading toward the washroom to get them washed. When I had opened the lid, I noticed there were clothes in there. I had started to pull them out when I noticed a bra which I knew were not mine. Again it felt like I got hit in the head with a slab. In fact, I realized all of the laundry was a bunch of women’s clothing.
“I gotta get out of here!”
I ran out of the house with the clothes that belonged to Howie, tempted to burn them at the most convenient time possible. I jumped into my car. Instantly, I started to beat the steering wheel. All I could think of were his eyes, so brown and seductive, his lips so soft and supple, his..
“STOP!!!” I screamed in the car, trying to make the memory drift away.
Starting the engine, I left what reoccurring dreams I may have had in the dust and headed back to AJ’s. The only place that I could be myself is back at a place with the only man that I could trust.
I got back to the cabin and saw him at the table.
“Will, where were you…” he trailed off as he recognized the clothes. A smirk crept over his face. “You guys made up eh?”
I looked at him a moment before I turned and walked toward the stairs. I couldn’t possibly tell him what happened.
“I knew he would come to his senses, Will. Now we just have to wait and see.”
I turned quickly and it had caught his attention.
“No AJ it isn’t easy like that. I looked in his washing machine today and saw a load of women’s clothes! It was just…” I walked around the couch, sat down and then looked at him. “ I thought things were going to be okay again. He said he loved me and I believed him! I’m sorry J. Just when I think I am back on track with my life then I fall for him again.” I looked down, feeling defeated.
AJ left his coffee and walked toward me. He sat on the coffee table in front of me. He lifted up my head and looked into my eyes.
“Baby, don’t give up on me. I know you’re not a quitter and you go after what you want. You hurt because you know that Howie is your soul mate and yet you keep getting burned.”
Tears began to well in my eyes. “What makes you think he is my soul mate?”
“I just know these things…because I’m fabulous.”
I laughed a little and then turned serious for a moment. “Why didn’t I meet you before Howie? Sometimes I think…”
“Don’t say it, Will. Don’t please.” He got up and started to walk away.
“AJ”
“Will, let it go, please.”
“But…”
He glared at me. I almost couldn’t believe I was seeing this side of him.
“Don’t you think I have ever thought of that too? Sometimes I wondered if there could ever be a chance….for us.”
I looked at him without any expression. I wasn’t shocked, sad, happy, any emotion that could be applied to that moment. I was going to let him tell me what I was curious about for a very long time.
I remembered the first time I had met the group. Howie had taken me to a recording session. We had been together for about five months by that time. He thought it was time I had met the guys. I remember that Kevin was the new definition for tall, dark and handsome. Brian was someone that could always get a smile out of me with his boyish charms and antics. Nick was a spunky kid that reminded me of Ang for some odd reason. Then there was AJ. I wasn't sure what to think of him at first. He seemed like he could be a total bad ass but yet as I learned down the road, he had a very kind heart. I remember sitting in the studio and looking out at them while they were singing. Howie would smile at me every now and then but it was Aj that struck me the most. Every time he sang, it was as if he were singing to me and just to me.
There was after a time that I was there that he came to me. I was waiting for Howie before we went to dinner. Aj was wearing a black dress shirt with dark jeans and a pair of blue sunglasses.
"Hi Willow"
"Hi Aj. Nice singing today."
"Thanks. Hey there has been something I have been meaning to ask you."
"Sure anything you want. What's up?"
He was about to say when Howie walked through the door and walked toward me.
"Hey Will. Ready to go?"
"Yeah just a sec. AJ was askin' me something." I turned my attention back to him.
"Oh it's ...it's nothing. Go have fun." He looked disappointed.
"Are you sure? It wouldn't.."
"No, I can talk to you later." He walked away quickly.
He never did ask me again. But he was always with me the entire way. He was Howie's best man and my closest friend. He was so shy back then. So much compared to the courageous man who was about to release his utmost secret to me.
"About 8 years ago, you wanted to ask me a question. Do you still remember it?" I looked at him and watched his eyes soften from the slight hardness they contained.
"I wanted to ask you...no Will this is stupid. We never should have brought this topic up."
I leaned over the back of the couch as he started to walk into the den. "Come on, AJ. Now is your chance to ask. Howie isn't around this time to stop you."
He suddenly gave the appearance of a boy nervously planning his next move to make sure he didn't look stupid in front of the girl he had a crush on.
"I wanted...," he looked down briefly, trying to retain his courage, " to ask you how you got to be so beautiful." He laughed to himself before continuing. "It almost seems like a sad pick up line after all these years but that is what always captured me about you. Not just how beautiful your eyes are when you're laughing or your smile or anything else. But your strength, humor, loyalty and most of all your passion." He hesitated. He looked me in the eyes and must have seen that I was not upset before he continued. " I know this is a lot to have thrown on you, especially what you just went through but remember you asked me the question."
"I know. I don't regret asking either. I always wanted to now what you wanted to ask me. I'm glad I waited to hear the questions and the answer behind it."
He looked at me totally bewildered. It was always a special treat to see him so shocked. I laughed a moment.
"AJ, don't look so shocked. It's almost as if you had seen a ghost."
"I'm just trying to understand the fact that you wanted to hear what I just said. I guess I expected you to completely knock me down."
"Well I mean it isn't like you are telling me that you love me or something like that."
I looked at him and recognized the restless silence that was around us. God, at that time I wish I could have read his mind cause it might have helped me out with a couple mistakes in the future.
"Are you telling me you love me?" I stifled out not trying to sound shocked.
"Remember the first night you stayed here?"
"Yeah. What does that have to do..."
"You told me that you loved me. Are you telling me that was a lie?"
"I love you as a friend and.."
"And you never loved me as anything else?"
I was flabbergasted by what he said at that moment I didn't know what to say. I began to think about it more and realized there was a time that I did. This was not the right time to say this to him, however.
"When you can answer that question, then I'll answer yours." He grabbed his coat and headed toward the door. "I got to go to the studio. We're working on some new songs and might start recording so...yeah." He looked one last time my way before opening the door and walking out. ‘What just happened here?' What just happened was the fact that AJ was going to be another component that would complicate my life. Before I took a step in any direction, I needed to come upon some realizations of my own.
I went up to the room that I had made my house for the past two years and pulled out a suitcase. Slowly, I started to pull out the clothes, carefully folded and placed them in the bottom of the suitcase. It wasn't long until I stared into an empty closet trying to decide my next move. I moved the suitcases toward the door of the room and went to the writing desk so write on last note before I left. Slowly I began to write what I almost didn't want to.
AJ,
I think that I need to move on to the next step in my life. You have helped me so much on this journey but I feel that not only am I holding myself back but I'm holding you back as well. It's time that I let you be free again. I need to discover myself again and I think that leaving here will be the best thing.
Love,
Willow
Tears began to drop down onto the letter, leaving swells in the note. I tried to wipe them off but realized I should leave them to show that I wasn't leaving because I was selfish but that I was thinking about the both of us. I let the not on the desk and grabbed my two suitcases. I was about to go down the steps when something inside me made me stop. I was directly outside AJ's room. The room that some two years ago I ran to finding solace in the arms of the only man to really know me. I opened the door and I looked around the room, noticing a picture on the side table I didn't see before. It was a picture of AJ and me at Howie's birthday. He had me in his arms and I was looking like some goofy creature. I closed the door with that picture lingering in my mind. I went down the stairs and to the door. Looking around one last time I left, closing the door on the life I knew before.
Author's Notes:
*The song "How Did I Fall In Love With You?" is the property of the Backstreet Boys.
I apologize for all who have been waiting for a chapter. I realized today that I had not updated in a a very long time and discovered that I did have a chapter written. I will try and write another chapter very soon. Thanks for reading!
Two weeks later, I had finally settled into an apartment of my own. It was cozy and just right, according to the way I live. I was still teaching at the school and occasionally would go back to my tree, making sure that Howie wasn’t around. It isn’t that I’m afraid of him. I’m just afraid if I ask the right questions that I won’t get the answers I want. Today was the day, however, that I was going to talk to Howie.
I had grabbed my keys and was about to walk out the door when I turned around and there he was. He must have seen the shocked look on my face.
“Hey Will. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I shook my head, trying to jump-start my brain again.
“Hi…what are you doing here?”
“I needed to talk to you. Can I come in?”
I was hesitant but I opened the door for him to walk in. He looked around with a smile plastered on his face.
“ This place is amazing! But Willow, come here I need to talk to you.” He took my hands and led me to the coach. I sat as far away from him as possible on the other end of the couch. “ I know there have been some questions or thoughts running through your mind since the last night we stayed together. I wanted to clear the air.” He looked at me, expecting me to start screaming but I did no such thing. He continued. “I noticed the day after that my washing machine was open. I could just imagine what you were thinking. But those were my sister’s clothes. She stayed with me a few days before and she was washing her clothes before she packed up.”
I felt a little better about that day. Maybe he did want to turn over a new leaf.
“Well, that makes me feel better about one thing but Howie I need to know this one thing even if it hurts me. That day when you called me on tour, who was the woman in the background? I just want the truth, Howie. We are already divorced so that can’t be changed.”
He sighed, seeming very hesitant before her answered. “Her name was Shiloh and she was one of the dancers. I was betraying you, Willow but I realized my mistake and broke it off. I guess when I thought you were cheating on me as well then I thought I could blame it on you,” he grabbed my hand before I could say or do anything “But I realized that I was wrong to do all of this to you. I love you so much Willow and my life had been so empty without you there.”
I looked at him in sympathy and a hidden rage. “So then what are you proposing we do?”
“Give us another chance. We can start dating all over again and if it works out, we can get remarried.”
Shocked, I didn’t know whether to laugh this off or be happy. Happy that I knew the truth and he was sorry for what he did or laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole situation.
“Ok…let’s give this a try but this is your only chance Howie. Don’t mess this up.”
He started to cry as he gave me a hug. “That’s all I’m asking for is a chance to make this all right.”
He had gotten up to leave when he noticed I was still shocked. “Honey, what’s wrong?”
“I just think it’s kinda funny that I felt so alone and went to try and make myself feel better by finding someone who seemed to care. You seemed to be doing the exact same thing.”
“I thought you didn’t love me anymore Willow. I was trying…and then I failed. I know we can work.” He looked at his watch. “Actually what are you doing right now?”
I looked at him puzzled. “ I was going to see you but you came over here. Why?”
“Come with me to the studio. There is a new song I want you to hear.”
For the second time that day, I grabbed my keys and purse. Only this time, I walked out the door with a man I once loved holding my hand.
We walked casually to his car. He drove us there, both of us silent along the way. I was wondering if I was going to run into any of the guys. I hadn’t seen or talked to AJ since the day I left.
Once we got to the studio, Howie came to my side and opened the door. Already a change that I could get used to. He took me into a lounge where a man I assumed was the recording manager sat.
“Reggie, Willow is going to sit in on this one ok?”
Reggie gave me a huge smile. “No prob. She doesn’t look like she could be too much trouble.
I smiled “Don’t test me.”
All of us laughed as Howie went into the studio.
A minute after that, the guys were starting to get ready to record. Howie kept looking through the glass at me. I know he was doing that but I couldn’t keep my eyes off of AJ. He wore black dress pants and a black pinstripe dress shirt. It was open a little bit that you could just see the top of bare skin. He looked up at me, those brown eyes were trying to tell me a story but I didn’t get to hear it before he turned. That was when the music started. Reggie spoke through his headset.
“How did I fall in love with you. Take 1.”
A beautiful piano entrance played and then Brian began:
Remember when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like sister and brother
We understood we'd never be alone
Howie looked at me when he sang:
Those days are gone, now I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
Never meant to feel this way
Don't wanna be alone tonight
What can I do to make you mine?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
Brian and Howie exchanged a look that made Brian suddenly smile. He continued:
I hear your voice and I start to tremble
Brings back the child that I resemble
I cannot pretend that we can still be friends
Don't wanna be alone tonight
Ooh I wanna say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know
I don't wanna live this life
I don't wanna say goodbye
With you I wanna spend the rest of my life
What can I do to make you mine?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
Everything's changed, we never knew
How did I fall in love with you?
I had started to get teary eyes. I looked back at Reggie and he looked amazed himself. “Guys I think that take was perfect! That’s all for now.”
“That song was beautiful!”
“Yeah isn’t it? I think Howie wrote it for you.”
I wanted to cry even more. Howie? Write me a song? Something the beautiful and loving. He walked into the room along with the other guys. Each one of them gave me a hug. AJ seemed reluctant but he gave me a quick hug. It felt good to be in his arms. Something in the back of my mind wanted me to take him and run but I knew better. We moved on.
Howie hugged me and I was in tears. “That song was beautiful. It’s for me?”
“Yes baby, it’s for you. With all my heart. But,” he whispered, “ I must tell you something.”
I smiled “And what would that be?”
“The song is for you from me but I didn’t truly write it. AJ did.”
I was totally shocked. I didn’t know how to react.
“AJ wrote it?”
“Yeah. He wrote it and I found it. He didn’t want to put it on the album but I thought it was amazing. So he told me I could use it and say it was mine. He told me he wrote it when the woman he loved left him. She said something like she was holding him back and she needed to move on.”
I gasped. That song was written by AJ…and it was about us. He loved me. AJ McLean loved me. And I learned too late.
“How…” I stuttered, “awful. I hope he’s alright.”
I started crying again and Howie held me tight. I looked over his shoulder and as I did, I saw AJ looking at us. Tears were welling in his eyes. He turned to leave.
“Just a second, Howie.”
I walked over to AJ quick and wrapped my arms around him from behind. He stopped and placed his hands on top of mine. The other guys weren’t paying attention to us. I stood on my tiptoes and whispered in his ear.
“AJ, I’ve loved you since the time I met you in this studio.”
I felt him shudder under my arms and could tell he was starting to cry. I let go. He paused for a moment before he left the lounge, with my heart slowly following after.
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