“Dear Sammy…” He rolled his own eyes and smacked his forehead hard with his palm. That was like the fifth time he tried to make a simple voice recording and all the attempts ended up with either imperfection on his tone or simply because he suddenly became speechless as to what he was supposed to say.

Initially he had decided to pen everything down on a piece of paper, everything that he could remember and everything that he wanted his younger brother to remember. Not that Sam had poor memory but sometimes he realized that there were things that Sam did not see or hear from him personally. Things that Sam should always be aware of though he will no longer be with him, to be his protector.

“Come on Dean, you can do this! This is nothing… I mean, come on just a message and what’s so difficult about it right?” He muttered to himself in an almost challenging mannered as he looked at his own reflection on the tainted mirror. A message for Sam proved to be tougher than he thought. It was more intense than the earlier confrontations they have had with all those demons, evils, ghosts or spirits of all kind of supernatural encounters throughout their years of being together as hunters.

He knew hunting had never been easy for them, not for Sam definitely. Ever since the day one Sam pulled off that trigger for the first time to save him till the day he was strong enough to handle those creatures bare-handed, he wished he could run up to his little brother and tell him how proud he was. He wished he could run up to him and give him the brotherly hug that he always wanted to but the last time he did that, Sam pushed him away and the push made him felt so awkward.

“Hey! What’s that for?” He remembered Sam asked as he pushed him away.

“A hug?”

“Yeah, I can see that… but what’s that for?”

“Do I really need a reason to hug my own brother?”

“Dean, isn’t it bad enough to have people thinking that we’re… you know what I mean… and you wanna add on to that one?”

“Hey… they can simply talk about it if they want to Sammy, nothing can make them change their opinion on us-”

“Oh yes there is Dean and that’s us!”

“What? The idea also gets into your head now?”

“Its not about it getting into my head but its about us… at least for me to take care of my name, you know?”

“Yeah whatever!”

“So no more hugging next time alright!”

Dean smirked at himself. No more hugging next time and true indeed, there will never be a next time for any hugging. That conversation took place almost three years ago when Sam joined him for the first time in a hunting trip. He was not sure if Jessica’s death came as a good sign but he believed in the saying of a blessing in disguise behind that tragedy. The tragedy that almost crippled Sam but at least with Sam right in front of his eyes everyday, he knew he could always watch out for his little brother and at the same time, it would give him a chance to rekindle those brotherly moments.

Somehow, that conversation killed it all. No, he was not at all felt hurt but he had to admit that he missed his brother so much. He missed those younger days when he put him to sleep everytime their father went out on hunting trips leaving the youngest Winchester in his care. He missed those times when they fought back then during the younger days and he will be the one to give in. How he tried to stop his little brother from crying each time he was sick or simply because he wanted attention and, Dean missed giving his attention to Sam. His little Sammy.

Tears began to flood his eyes. Just like those uninvited guests, its presence certainly unwanted by Dean. He did not want those tears. He did not want to look like a wuss that easily shed tears and moved by his own emotions. All he wanted was to be tough, brave and strong, just like what people often pictured him as, in facing and revealing the truth to Sam but so far, he had not reached to a stage where he could overcome his own fear. Fear of unable to be there for and with his brother, like what he always did.

Dean wiped off those tears from his eyes using the back of his palm and let the water running from the tap as he cleared his throat again. This time round, he felt more confident and ready to record the message one more time before Sam woke up to use the washroom. In a slow and steady mannered, he released his deep breath and turned off the tap before he pressed on the red record button.

“Hey Sammy! Its me, Dean! Yeah, I know you must be surprised to hear this, but trust me when I said I’m surprise myself to do this cause I feel like a clown now talking to himself. Oh wait, what a good comparison, me and clown? I know you hate clowns and what a way to remind you of me with clowns now. Alright Sammy… I… hmmm… I… damn! You know this is like the fifth time I am trying to record this one stupid message and I always ended up having to do it all over again. I think I should have borrowed your laptop and write a note for you instead but never mind, time is running out for me dude so you have no choice but to bear with me for a while alright.”

Dean paused as he walked up to the toilet bowl and placed down the seater. He outlined the shape of his mouth with his fingers and winced like he always did each time he tried to engage himself in a serious conversation.

“You see… after that stupid argument we had the other night, I realized that you’re right. You are right about me being so selfish, that I… I only think about myself, about those hunting without thinking about you, your needs, your wants, your future… your school, your friends. I seem to keep controlling you like I always did when we were young, can’t help it dude when dad left you in care since I was like what… eight? So naturally, I only want to protect you and I didn’t mean to take your life, your future and your freedom away from you… I only want to protect you. I know you hate doing this when you could have actually do something else… better perhaps in shaping your own future, bright future, you want to be happy but like what I’ve had always told you, it runs in the family Sammy and no matter where you go, the blood is running in your veins and whether you like it or not, you will still have to face it one day. You keep asking me what did Dad tell me about you. About kids like you, well… I guess now is the time for you to know the truth. Dad wanted me to take care of you, protect and kill you if necessary as… there’ll be a time when kids like you will turn… I mean, it sounds silly and I know you too well Sammy. You wouldn’t do that, and why? Because you are the special one. You know deep inside, you are the gifted one to help us and not them. How can my little Sammy be evil right? You can’t even kill a clown for God’s sake, so how could you be killing others right?”

Dean let out soft chuckles as he shook his head remembering one of those times when they had to fight against the evil spirit of those clowns and how Sam had a real hard time in facing his fears to kill it. Luckily he came on time to shoot at it before it leaped on Sam with a long spear.

“Alright now Sammy… I have something to tell you. I mean, I need to confess something before I go to that part and that is… I admit I took that twenty bucks from your jeans pocket to play the pool. Remember that day when you suffered from those rashes, yeah that’s me too! I sprinkled some magic dust on your jeans, but of course, I didn’t pour everything on it, see, I still love you dude. Oh yes, the other day when you were out, I actually watched some clips on your laptop and they prompted me to new pages that I have no idea how many pages I’ve uploaded and so it just crashed I guess but hey! You’ve got that fixed already so not really that serious right? Now comes the serious part… Sammy I want you to listen to this very carefully. I’m running out of time now and who knows I might not be around right after I left you this message. I’ve made a deal and its time they claim that deal. You must be wondering what the hell am I talking about right? Well, do you remember the other time when you were admitted to the hospital? The doctor said… there was no chances of you surviving and that reminded me of the time I was in coma and how dad exchanged his life for mine. I’ve promised dad that I’ll always keep you with me and keep you safe but that day… I was totally scared. I scared of losing you Sammy and so I… I made a pact… cause there’s no way in hell will I let them take you… not when I’m alive. At least I know I’m doing my bit as a brother to save my little one, just like dad tried to save his son. Many lives have been exchanged for mine and each day I lived with guilt. I mean, how many more lives do you think we have to sacrifice just to save my ass! Not that I’m not being appreciative to be alive, in fact, I appreciate every second of it especially to go through all these with you Sammy. I appreciate it very much that I really wanted to hug you everytime you did a great job in smacking those bitches’ ass but I remember how you hated the hug so I guess I hugged you with my words. Man, that makes me sounds so girlish now.”

He chortled nervously at every second of the time that ticked away on his watch.

“Hey Sammy, you wanted to go back to school right? You know what dude? I think your wish has been granted and soon, you’ll be free to go back to school, have your own life, date a hot chick, drive a big car and lead a happy life and don’t make my sacrifice gone down the drain alright… I know how much you want this so promise me one thing will ya? Please don’t tell my nephew or niece on how their gorgeous uncle Dean died. Make up anything but not this. God… you know what Sammy? This is harder than I though. I thought I was strong enough to tell this to you, face to face but I was wrong. I’m not sure if I have ever said this to you but… I love you Sammy. Though I really want to spend another ten years with you, but I’m glad that I did not have ten years lesser. Dad loves you, we love you very much Sammy and if there’s at any point where I’ve hurt you in any way… you know I didn’t mean it. I’ve… I’ve told Bobby to keep an eye on you and to help you out in case if you need anything in school or you know, just anything, he’ll help you out. I’ve put some cash in your backpack and I’ve left the keys to my baby on the table so you can use it if you want. Sell it to get yourself more hard cash and start everything anew alright. Well, I think that’s about all… you take care alright…”

The moment he pressed the stopped button, tears began to wet his cheeks and his body was shaking hard in controlling himself from wailing out. His lips were trembling as he hung his head low. He had to be strong with all the time he had. He must not give away the game by waking Sam up, not at that moment. If Sam was up, it will only complicate things more and thus making it even more difficult for him to leave.

After spending about ten minutes or so, Dean washed his face to freshen himself up and walked out of the washroom. There, on the bed he saw his brother sleeping peacefully. It has been quite a while since he saw Sam had such a peaceful sleep, not ever since he was involved in their nerves-breaking hunting trips that often landed them in life-threatening situation.

Then he recalled what happened on that particular hunting trip. It was like any other hunting trip they went to except that the outcome was more severe than before. Sam was shot and the shot darted straight to his heart. He could have died at that very moment but miraculously, he made it all the way to the hospital but later his condition began to deteriorate. Desperately, he could think of nothing else but to save Sam even by putting his own life at a stake. That was the time when the pact came into the picture. The pact that came with a price and a price that was expected and well-sealed with his own precious life.

When Dean covered Sam with the comforter, he could feel a different vibe inside him. It was making him restless and breathless out of a sudden, a sign to tell Dean that his time was up. He pressed his heart hard and could hear it pounding vigorously. His hands were shaky and his legs became jelly-liked. Even his vision became blurred. The same symptoms he experienced during those two times when he almost thought he was going to die.

Dean placed the tape recorder on the empty space on Sam’s pillow as he walked to his own bed. He became more breathless and his body suddenly turned numbed. Then he saw a light, a striking light coming from the window penetrating through the window glass panel and to his direction. Slowly he forced his head to turn to face his brother for the last time.

“Goodbye Sammy…”

Dean’s willingness to take over his brother’s place was embraced by the smiling demons and laughing evils for they now had two Winchesters in hands and sooner or later, they knew the third one will come next. Afterall, they knew right from the start that Dean was the key to everything. He was the wall of protection for Sam and the soldier in his father’s eyes. With the wall of obstruction gone, they were only miles away from achieving their goals to conquer the Earth because no other hunters could stop them, certainly not when they did not have a Winchester blood running down their veins. That proved just how vulnerable the Winchester blood to them. Yes, the pact was simple. To let Sam live in exchanged of Dean’s life and they will not, at any time hunt him down but with two main Winchesters gone, they knew Sam would definitely be heartbroken and barely hanging on. That would be a prefect time to corrupt his mind and strike him with a new deal to save both his father and brother from hell.

The great master watched from afar. He had planned out everything for Sam, his favourite Sam, as it waited for the time of execution. The time of triumph where for the first time, the evils outmaneuvered the goods.