He had been sitting there for at least twenty minutes, just staring at the sky, trying not to think. Every attempt failed miserably, simply because trying not to think involves thinking itself. He looked down at the fresh scars on his hands. While he slowly shook his head, he let out a long breath he had apparently been holding for a few seconds. He had a reason for not wanting to pay attention to whatever thoughts were running through his mind. They were painful these days. Sometimes, they were so painful that he slammed his fists into a wall or two. Even up to the point that his hands were bleeding. It didn’t hurt though. It never did. Simply because the hurt on the inside was far worse than the physical hurt he inflicted on himself.

Nick rubbed his face with both hands after which he turned his attention back to the sky. It was slowly getting dark, something he could identify with. His days seemed to get darker as well, filled with nothing but immense sadness, arguments, fights, hatred and anger. Especially anger. When he felt he was about to explode, he went outside. To the beach when possible, but when that wasn’t an option, he chose to sit by the pool or on the balcony, with his feet dangling in the air. Sometimes he contemplated letting himself fall, knowing he would not land in the pool, but on the tiles next to it. Those thoughts never lasted long though. He was terrified he’d end up paralysed. So he just kept on muddling, struggling through each day, hoping the next one would bring some sunshine instead of thunderstorms.

On some days Nick hoped to find answers to why certain things happened in his life. This particular night, was such a time when he hoped to find some, though he certainly wasn’t expecting to get any. As he listened to the sound of the wind rushing through the trees, he searched the sky, trying to come up with a solution, any solution to fix the mess that was his life.

Are you listening?
I’m shooting rubber bands up at the stars
Some days I just don’t know where you are
I’m feeling kind of lost down here

But ofcourse he didn’t find anything in the sky or the enormous clouds. Nick shook his head and cleared his throat, which felt dry and soar, from all the crying and screaming he had done earlier that day. Now he was angry with himself for being so stupid. What was he thinking? That a star would light up and show him which way to go? A voice to tell him what he was doing wrong? It wasn’t as if he asked for an instant solution to everything. He was hoping for a hint though. That would be nice.

He felt he was out of options to fix his life and there seemed to be no way to come to terms with his past. Not that he’d ever admit to these feelings though. He wasn’t much of a talker, never had been and probably never would be. He swallowed trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. “I feel like- ” He stopped midsentence when he heard B.J. and Aaron argue over one of the dogs. He turned to see if he should interfere, get them to talk instead of barking at each other. He decided not to. Why should he always be the one to step in? He figured they were old enough to think, they should be able to act their ages and solve their arguments. In the background, the volume of the screaming and yelling increased even more. “Take YOUR fucking dog out of MY fucking room!! It’s barfing all over the fucking floor!”
“It’s YOUR fault, AARON! YOU gave her those fucking sweets!! You KNOW-”
Nick covered his ears in an attempt to block out the noise, but it was to no avail. He could still hear their muffled voices. Nick pressed his hands to his ears even more, but it didn’t make much of a difference.

I just had to call
I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job
Seems like everyone forgot about love
I’m feeling kind of lost down here

After sitting in the same position for about five more minutes, he slowly removed his hands from his ears. “Ahh.. silence..” he whispered, a small smile gracing his features. It fell away a split-second later, when he now heard screams coming from downstairs. This time it were Angel and Leslie. He had no idea what they were arguing about now and the truth was that he didn’t want to know. He tried to ignore the yelling and forced himself to stay put as he held his breath. His hands slowly balled into fists so tightly that his knuckles turned a shade of light pink. “WHY can’t they take-”
“Nick, bro! You gotta come down ‘ere! NICK! Things are outta control!”
That, ofcourse, was Aaron. Always telling him that he can handle things on his own, that he doesn’t need his brother to take care of him, but always in trouble and too chicken to step in when his sisters were fighting. “NICK!”

Tell me what does it mean
Are you receiving me?
And if there’s something that I forgot
I’ll put it down in a letter to God
to you

But he didn’t respond. He slowly climbed back onto the balconly, for a split-second hoping he’d slip and fall, but then again too terrified he actually would. He really never seemed to know what he wanted and at times he hated himself for it. He walked back in the house, dragging his feet and sighing with every step he took. As he set foot on the first floor, his brother came running his way, saying something about that he needed to step in. But Nick didn’t reply, he didn’t even raise his head to look at Aaron. He shook off the hand his sibling had placed on his arm and continued to walk on, at some point even walking past his two fighting sisters. When he reached the front door, he put on his shoes, grabbed his car keys and walked out the door, leaving three of his siblings behind very confused.

Would you turn your back?
Maybe we blew every chance we had
Is it so hard to keep this world on track
when we’re standing in your way?

As he drove away into the night, he tried to concentrate on driving instead of the mistakes that he made in life and those that others had made for him. His eyes focused on the road, but his mind wandered off to dark and abandoned places. Memories he thought he had buried so deep that his mind would never again be able to resurface them even if it tried. He had been wrong though, like he had been so many other times. Nick couldn’t prevent the memories from seeping into his thoughts and poisoning his view on life even more. One of this horrid reminders of his past flashed before his eyes in such a vivid way that he impulsively hit the breaks. The tires of his car screeched as the vehicle came to a sudden halt, almost launching Nick out of his seat and through the wind-shield. He closed his eyes, and as he was panting for breath, he squeezed the steering wheel with all his might, waiting for another car to crash into his, but nothing happened. He slowly opened his eyes and glanced in the rear-view mirror. There was no other traffic in sight, which he was thankful for. Not for still being alive, just because no other people were harmed. He leaned back against his seat, his eyes closed as he rubbed his face.

Tell me what does it mean
Are you receiving me?
And if there’s something that I forgot
I’ll put it down in a letter to God
to you

A few secondes later, his eyes filled with tears, whether they arose out of exhaustion, relief, sadness or anger, he had no clue. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to know either. Slowly and carefully he manoeuvred his car to the side of the road. While doing so, he noticed he had apparently been driving for nearly two hours, since he was now out of town and nearby a small forest he had never really noticed before. He glanced at his watch and noticed it was around 2 A.M., which explained why he felt even more drained than he did during the day. He rested his arms on the steering wheel and slowly leaned forward until his head rested on top of them.

All he wanted was some rest. Just a short break from everyday life. He longed for a bit of shuteye, to escape from the world for more than just one hour. To get some sleep without having to deal with nightmares about demons of his past, whether they were real or not. But instead of sleep, all he got were thoughts racing through his head. He did everything he could to block them out, but they kept bursting through every facade he had ever built. And God knew there were a lot of those.

His thoughts were mostly about the mistakes he made in his life. Since he felt his life was one big mistake in which he made dozens of small ones, his mind was constantly occupied. And when he wasn’t thinking about the moments his ratio failed, he wondered what he could’ve done differently. No wonder he was exhausted. With one of his biggest mistakes on his mind, he slowly drifted off to sleep.

Sorry for all my mistakes
I know it’s hard to relate sometimes
Between you and I
Did we run out of time?

About an hour later, his eyes flew open, and he felt his body trembling. His face was tear streaked and his breathing ragged. Nick sat up and raked his hands through his hair as he tried to regain control of himself, but he wasn’t able to erase the images of the nightmare he had just woken up from. He kept on seeing himself, probably at the age of around five, standing in some corner, crying hysterically and covering his head with his arms.

For a few seconds he was disorientated, but then he realized he was still in his car. Nick turned on the radio and increased the volume in an attempt to drown out the sound of his five-year-old-self crying hysterically. Soon after he felt a headache coming up, shut the radio off again and rubbed his temples. Had it been nothing more than a nightmare? Nick wasn’t sure. Lately he had been having quite a few of these nightmares and every time he tried to tell himself it was nothing more than a bad dream. The problem with this one was that he actually seemed to remember the day it took place. Then again, he didn’t trust his memory lately. At times he wasn’t able to remember what he had been doing the whole day or even in the last two hours. On one hand it scared him, on the other it was soothing to not know, because some of his actions scared him even more. As he looked at the scars on his hands, he told himself it was just another crazy nightmare, it had to be. He wanted, needed it to be nothing more than a bad dream.

It had to be. Nick slowly nodded, trying to convince himself. It was just another nightmare. Slowly he released a breath he had been holding for a few seconds. It was nothing less and definitely nothing more. Just another nightmare.

Tell me what does it mean
Are you receiving me?
And if there’s something that I forgot
I’ll put it down in a letter to God
to you

He looked at his watch, 4:18 A.M, time to go to this building they were supposed to call home for a few months. Reflecting on the last few hours, he realised his feelings hadn’t changed during this night trip. He didn’t feel any better, possibly even worse. It was hard to actually really feel how he felt. He knew he still felt worthless, sad, awful and helpless though. While driving home just one thought plagued his mind. Being in such a state of mind was probably all he deserved..

And if there’s something that I forgot
I’ll put it down in a letter to God
to you..


Lyrics from "Letter to God" sung by Duncan James