She was alone again.

The dark walls were closing in on her, and she could feel the cold air pressing down her throat, filling her lounges until she thought they would explode. She tried to focus, taking a few steps forward, then back again. The concrete floor felt cold against her bare feet and all she wanted to do was to curl up into a ball, hide in a corner, close her eyes and don’t open them until she knew she was safe again.  

Deep down, she knew she was dreaming; knew she was reliving moments from the past that she was trying to forget.  

But she couldn’t forget.  

It was still so real, so fresh to her memory, that every time she closed her eyes, it was there. The fear. The hunger. The cold.  

She was tossing around on her bed, in her sleep, silently praying, wishing, that someone would wake her up. The white linen sheets were tangled around her legs, the pillow wet from tears, her body tense, trying to protect itself from the cold that didn’t even exist.   She was floating now. Her legs were no longer touching the ground. Suddenly, she felt herself being dragged out of the cold. Fresh, warm air filled her lounges, the smell of the ocean hit her, and the sound of waves filled her ears. In her sleep, she smiled to herself. 

She was finally safe, finally home again.

”Are you gonna eat that cookie?” Alicia Parker asked, looking longingly at the one, large, very inviting cookie lying on a plate in front of Nick. Not bothering to wait for an answer, she reached out for it and took a bite.

“Actually, yea… but sure, by any means, please help yourself.” Nick sighed and watched the remaining of the cookie disappear into her mouth.

“Ooops… ‘orry” Ali managed to say, her mouth full of cookie, as she made her way over to the fridge pulling out two remaining pizza slices from yesterday’s dinner.

“You sure got your apatite back.” Nick said, watching her take a big bite as she walked over to the kitchen table again, sitting down opposite to him.

“Being constantly hungry for over a year kinda does that to you…” 

Nick let out a small, nervous laugh, suddenly wishing he hadn’t brought up the subject concerning his best friend’s absence. But then again, in a way, it was hard not to.

Ali had been home for a little over three weeks, and Nick found that every action made throughout the day reminded him, or her, of what had happened. It was hard not to bring it up, but he also knew that she needed to talk about it. It was her way of healing, and his way of trying to move on, although he knew they both had a long way to go.

“You know, you had a nightmare last night…” Nick continued after a few moments of silence, knowing that he had to bring it up sooner or later.

Ali nodded. “Yea, I kinda figured that out since I woke up next to you this morning.”

“Yea, sorry about that.” Nick excused himself. “I kinda meant to go back to my own room once you’d calmed down, but I must’ve fallen asleep.”

“You don’t have to excuse yourself Nick. You know I don’t mind sleeping next to you.”

“Yea, I know. I just thought that maybe you wanted to get used to sleeping by yourself again.”

“I do, kinda. It’s just that I feel so safe when I know you’re there.” She suddenly looked very sad, her gaze focused on something outside and beyond the kitchen window. Nick stood up and walked around the table, pulling her up from the chair and into a hug.

“I’ll always be there Ali, you know that, right?” He pulled away form her, forcing her to look at him. Tears had welled up in her eyes and a sad smile formed on her lips.

“I know.” She nodded as he wrapped his arms around her again.

“So, are you excited about tonight?” Nick asked, trying to change the subject.

That was all it took, that one question, and suddenly a big smile spread across her face.

“Are you kidding? I can’t wait to see everyone again.”

Nick laughed a little at her sudden change of behaviour.

For the first time since Ali’s return, they were having a real party, a BBQ, where all of their friends and Nick’s family were invited. Some of them, including Nick’s band mates, she hadn’t seen in over a year and a half, with the exception of AJ, who had come to Russia with Nick to look for her. She was excited, yet a bit scared to see everyone again. She had changed, she knew that, and a part of her was still worried that they might not like her anymore.

It hadn’t been more than three weeks since she had gotten back home, and as much as she tried to put it all behind her, she had a hard time trying to adapt to her new life. The fact that she was now staying with Nick, for the first time in her life, was both a challenge as much as a relieve. She felt safe with him, yet she was becoming more aware of how much they had both changed. He had become more responsible, always making sure that she was alright and that she had everything she needed. She was glad, because she was still feeling very weak and she often found herself feeling light-headed, tired and even nauseous. According to the doctors, it was her body’s way of telling her that she needed to eat more and get more rest, although the only thing she did do was eat and sleep, at least according to Nick.

 ***

Later that day, Ali was exiting her room after a couple of hours rest. The guests would be there any time, and as she walked down the wooden stairs, she felt butterflies in her stomach. She was ready to have a nice time, catch up with everyone and most of all; thank Nick properly for saving her life.

It was a little surprise she had planned with a little help from AJ. It was hard for her to leave the house without Nick insisting on coming with her, and AJ had been very helpful. It wasn’t anything fancy, just her trying to show him how much she appreciated him and everything had done for her.

Just as she entered the kitchen, where Nick was making a potato salad, the doorbell rang.

“Brian.” Nick said, looking out of the kitchen window to see who it was.

“I’ll get it.” Ali said excitedly, turning around and leaving Nick alone in the kitchen.

She quickly walked over to the large oak door that led out to the front of the house, and opened it carefully, a smile spreading across her face at the sight of Brian, his wife Leighann and their 3 ½ year old toddler, Baylee.

“Hi!” she said, taking a step forward, feeling a little shy at first.

“Oh my god… Ali! I can’t believe you’re really home.” Leighann said excitedly as she walked over to Ali and gave her a warm hug. “We’ve missed you so much.”

“Oh, I’ve missed you too.” She could feel her eyes filling up with water, and she quickly blinked them away.

“Do I get a hug?”

Ali looked over Leighann’s shoulder and smiled at Brian who was impatiently waiting for his hug. She took a step to the side as Brian walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her.

“I’ve missed you Shorty.” He said as Ali once again had to blink away a few tears. “It’s so good to have you back home.”

“It’s so good to be home.” She replied as Brian let go, and bent down to bring Baylee up to their level.

“You remember Ali, right?” Brian asked his son while pointing at Ali. The little boy shook his blond head no. Feeling a little disappointed, Ali leaned forward and gave the little boy a smile.

“You wanna go see what uncle Nicky is doing?”

The little boy suddenly lit up by the sound of Nick’s name and Brian gently put him down again so that he could take Ali’s hand and walk with her over to the kitchen.

A few hours later, everyone was gathered in Nick’s back yard. Music was playing and everyone was chatting away. There was Brian, Leighann, Baylee, AJ, Howie and Leigh, all of Nick’s siblings, and although he was not a part of the group anymore, Kevin and his wife Kristin. Ali was enjoying her time, listening to what the others had to tell her about what had happened in their lives while she was gone.   

“So, how’s living with Nick?” Kristin asked as she, Leighann and Ali sat down at a table a little further away from the others.

“It’s… um, weird. But in a good way.”

“How?”

Ali sighed. “I don’t know. I feel safe here, and Nick is great. It’s just a totally new experience for me, you know. I’m still trying to adapt to everything. I feel like I’ve been gone for a lifetime. I mean, Nick is so nice to me, and he’s trying to help me the best he can, but we’ve both changed, you know.”

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Leighann asked, glancing over at Nick who was talking to AJ and Kevin.

“I don’t know… I think it’s a good thing. Or… I… I t€hink I’m just looking at him differently now.” She said, looking thoughtful.

“How?” Kristin asked, and then smiled a little. “You like him don’t you?”

“What? Noooo… I didn’t say that. Or, I mean I like him, but not like that. I think…”

“Oh, you so do. This is so exciting.”

Ali shook her head. “Kristin! Ok… so maybe I like him just a little, but he can’t know, alright? Everything is so uncertain right now. I still have to get used to living my life again, and this might just be a misleading feeling, or whatever. Promise me you won’t tell anyone. Not even Kevin, or Brian, Leighann.”

Kristin sighed. “Alright…”

Leighann laughed. “You know, me and Brian were just discussing this the other day, that it would be so perfect if you and Nick hooked up.”

“Leigh… come on. You know that’s not gonna happen.”

“What’s not gonna happen?” AJ asked, walking up to the girls.

“Nothing!” They all replied at once, making AJ laugh.

“Alright, I’m not gonna ask…” He said, standing behind Ali, resting his hands on her shoulders.

“You ready for the surprise?” he asked Ali, who quickly stood up.

“It’s here?”

AJ nodded. “Come on, let’s try and sneak away. Kevin is stalling him.”

Ali quickly followed AJ into the house where the surprise was waiting in the hall.

“Oh, it’s adorable. He’s gonna be so happy.” Ali said, smiling.

“Why don’t you go outside, get everyone’s attention, do what you want to do, and I’ll bring it out on your request.”

She nodded. “Alright. Give me 5 minutes.” She walked outside again, finding her position by the pool where everyone could see her.

“Can I have everyone’s attention, please?” She said as loud as she could, making everyone stop their conversations and look in her direction. “Nick, would you come over here for a second?”

Nick frowned and looked over at her, a big question mark on his face. Slowly, he walked up to her and stood beside her.

“I just wanted to let you know, again, how much I appreciate everything that you have done for me. We both know that without you, I wouldn’t be here today, and I will never forget that you saved my life. And also, I wanted to thank you for letting me stay with you.” She paused and looked at him. She could tell that he was feeling a bit uncomfortable, but she kept going, knowing that she wanted to let him know how grateful she was. “Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. You know I love you and I’m forever grateful for what you have done to me. So… I kinda have this little surprise for you. AJ, if you would…” She gestured towards the entrance to the house and everyone turned around to see AJ carrying out a small pug, barely visible in AJ arms.

“Are you serious?” She could her Nick whisper to himself as AJ handed Nick the black and white puppy. “Ali… I don’t know what to say. You shouldn’t have.”

“I wanted to. I know how much you miss having a dog. She’s yours now.”

“Thank you so much.” He smiled at her, walking up to her and giving her a hug, the puppy resting in his arms.

Suddenly, everyone was gathering around Nick and the puppy, wanting to take a look at it and pat it. Ali was watching from a distance, smiling and reminding herself that she had to remember this moment. But then, just as fast as the smile had formed on her lips it faded again, and she suddenly felt very dizzy. A few seconds later, she found herself looking around, desperately wanting to sit down. Just as she spotted a chair only a few feet away, her legs disappeared underneath her, and everything went black.

3 weeks earlier.

“Home, sweet home.” Nick smiled as the taxi parked outside the gates to his Californian home. He looked down at Ali who was peacefully sleeping next to him, her head resting on his shoulder. She still looked so fragile to him. It had only been a week since he had found her, but she was still very weak, her skin was pale and she rarely spoke if she didn’t have to. Yet, he was so excited about bringing her home. He was looking forward to taking care of her, bringing her back to normal again and making her adjust to a world that didn’t exist of constant cold, snow and darkness.

“Ali, wake up. We’re here.” He stroke her hair gently and waited for her to respond. “Ali, honey, wake up.”

She shifted and stirred, making a yawning sound as she looked up at Nick, confused at first, but as she realised where she was and who she was with, a small smile spread across her face.

“Hey…” She whispered and slowly sat up, looking out of the window.

“Welcome home.”

She looked up at the white house that had been Nick’s home for the past three years. It was familiar to her, yet she felt like everything about it had chanced. It looked bigger, whiter and almost scary to her. She knew it was because of the surroundings that she was used to, where everything was dark and the rooms were small.

“You alright?” Nick placed a hand on her shoulder, making her jump. “Sorry…” He excused himself, forgetting that every sudden move, every unexpected touch almost scared her.

“It’s alright.” She whispered, feeling sorry too, for forgetting that he was the one person she knew she could trust.

“Come on, I’ll help you out of the car.”

She nodded as he opened the door and stepped out, walking over to her side. She still needed help standing up and walking long distances. She got easily tired and often had to sit down and rest to get her strength back.

Nick opened the door and offered her to grab his arm for support. A few seconds later, she was out of the car, supporting her weight on Nick as the taxi driver carried their luggage up to the front doors of Nick’s home.

As the Californian sun hit her face, Ali suddenly realised how much her life had changed since the last time she was there. The cold she was used to seemed so far away, and the once so familiar sun was inviting her back in where she once belonged. Yet, she couldn’t help but feel somewhat afraid to look at it. For a second, she almost longed for the cold air in Russia.

Thoughts like that scared her. All the time while she was there, in Siberia, she was waiting for Nick to come and find her. And now that he had, she almost longed to go back. She knew it was just her mind playing tricks on her, the doctors had told her, but still, she just wanted more that anything to get things back to the way they used to be, before the kidnapping.

“Alright. Let’s go inside. You need help?” Nick asked, as the taxi driver returned.

Ali nodded, tightening the grip around Nick’s arm. Nick paid the driver and they slowly began to move towards the house.

“I told Elena to get a room ready for you, so you can lie down right away of you want to.” Nick said, referring to his house keeper.

“No.” Ali shook her head. “Take me to the beach.”

Nick stopped walking. “Are you sure? You don’t think you need to res---“

“Nick, no.” Her voice was low, but firm. “I want to see the ocean.”

“Ok.” He smiled a little. He had missed the ocean too while he was gone, the sound of the waves, the smell of salt water, to feel the sand beneath his feet. He could only begin to imagine how Ali felt. They both loved the ocean and she had been kept away from it for over a year and a half. He felt he owed it to her to take her there, even though it only meant walking into his back yard.

Minutes later, they walked through the French doors leading from his living room and out onto the lawn that separated the house from the beach. Ali stopped for a second, taking a deep breath, instantly smelling the fresh ocean air. Suddenly, all her worries were gone. She continued to walk again, still holding on to Nick. She wanted to run, throw herself into the waves, bury her feet in the sand, but she knew she wasn’t strong enough.

“You ok?” Nick asked as they reached the shore a minute later.

“I never realized how much I missed this…” She whispered, looking out over the horizon. “I never thought I would see it again.”

Nick sighed, pulling her close to him. “I spent so many hours here after you disappeared. Somehow, it made me feel closer to you. It kept me going. I used to talk to the waves, telling them to keep you safe, where ever you might be. And I used to laugh at myself for talking out loud, and then I would imagine you laughing at me for being such a baby.”

Ali smiled and closed her eyes. “If I was there, I would’ve laughed, but right now, I just feel so grateful for everything you did. I wish I felt strong enough to stay here all day. I’m just so tired…”

“I’ll take you back in.”

“One more minute.”

Nick laughed a little. “Alright, one minute, then you need to rest.”

“Ok.”

They spent the last minute in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Nick, extremely happy to have his best friend back and to be able to go on with his life with her as a part of it, Ali, relieved to be back, but yet scared of what might come.

***

Present

She could feel her head pounding as she opened her eyes. Everything was so bright, that she had to close them again.

“Ali…”

Someone was saying her name.

Far away.

“Ali, open your eyes.” 

Nick.

She slowly opened her eyes again, making them adjust to the bright room that she soon recognized as her own. She looked around. Nick was sitting on the bedside next to her, a glass of water in his hand.

She reached over for it and he helped her take a sip, holding her head up so that she wouldn’t spill.

“What happened?” She cleared her throat.

“You passed out again.”

Ali sighed. “Where is everybody?” She asked, suddenly remembering the party.

“They went home a few hours ago.”

“I’ve been gone for a few hours?”

“No, you woke up about a minute after you passed out, I carried you to bed, and you fell asleep.”

“Oh…” She whispered, feeling a little disappointed that she hadn’t gotten the chance to say goodbye to her guests.

“Don’t worry. The guys are coming over for dinner tomorrow.”

Ali smiled. “Thank you.” She was about to sit up, when suddenly, she felt something moving by her feet. She quickly pulled them towards her, when she saw the puppy crawling towards her.

“Awww, look who’s here.” She smiled and reached out for it.

“She’s been here the whole time. I think she likes you better than she likes me.”

“You got a name for her yet?” Ali asked, the puppy playing with her fingers.

“Leyla.”

“I like that name.”

“I came up with it all by myself.” Nick said proudly, taking the puppy from Ali and putting it down on the bedroom floor.

“Heeey.”

“She needs to go outside for a few minutes, I think. Don’t want her peeing in your bed.”

Ali laughed. “You’re probably right.”

Nick stood up, ready to leave the room. “Ali…?” He said, sounding a little more serious.”

She looked up at him. “What?”

“I think you need to go see a doctor again. I’m worried about you.”

Ali sighed. “Nick, I’m fine. I just need some time to get my strength back.”

“You have an appointment tomorrow.”

“What?”

“Please Ali… You need to go. At least do it for me. I need to know that you’re alright.”

She leaned her head back against her pillow. “Fine.”

“Good. I’ll see you downstairs in a bit.”

Ali closed her eyes. She was tired of going to the doctors. Every time she went, they measured her blood pressure, ran some tests and concluded that she needed to eat more, rest more, but that other than that, she was fine.

She knew she was fine.

“You’re fine, Miss Parker.” Dr. Green leaned over his desk and folded his hands in front of him; Ali smiled back, relived that he had given her good news.

“Are you sure doctor?” Nick asked, still sounding a little concerned.

They were at the hospital, getting back the results from tests that Ali had taken two days before after Nick had practically ordered her to get them done. The results had shown nothing but improvement in Ali’s condition and she was happy to hear that. Nick on the other hand, was still not convinced.

“Nick, you heard him. I’m fine.” Ali said, rolling her eyes slightly.

“She really is.” Dr. Green continued. “Every test showed improvement since last time.”

“What about the fainting and the tiredness?”

“Let me explain this to you again Nick. Ali’s body has been under a lot of pressure. The fainting is her body’s way of telling her that it’s keeping an eye on her. When it gets too tired, that’s how it reacts, but it doesn’t necessary means that something is wrong. It’s the same with the tiredness.” He turned to Ali and continued to speak. “If you do feel light-headed or tired, just lie down for a while. Make sure you eat plenty of vitamins, fruit, vegetables; red meat is good and drink milk. In the state you’re in right now, your body is trying to regain strength, so these things are important.”

Ali nodded. “Thank you doctor.”

“I’ll set up a new appointment for you in a month. If you have any questions, or I there’s anything else I can help you with, don’t hesitate to call me, ok?”

“Ok, I will. Thanks again.” She stood up and shook his hand, as did Nick.

They both walked out of Dr. Green’s office and continued down the empty hall towards the entrance. For a minute or two, none of them said anything. Ali was relived that there were only good news for her, and she was also glad that this might calm Nick down a little bit. He was being very overprotective towards her, something she appreciated, but it also got on her nerves at times. She knew he was just trying to look after her, and that he meant well, but she needed him to chance his attitude in order for her to get better. She was constantly worried about what he was thinking, why he worried so much and if he would ever stop. It was tearing on her, just as much as anything else.

“I think we should see another doctor.” Nick said suddenly as they reached the main entrance and walked out of the clinic.

“What?” Ali stopped and looked at him, raising her eyebrows slightly.

“I said, I think you should see anoth---“

“I heard you. Why do you say that?”

“Because I still think they’re missing something.”

“Are you serious?” Ali asked, feeling a little irritated. “They ran ten tests and every single one of them showed that I’m fine.”

“I know that… I just have this feeling, ok?”

“No Nick. It’s not ok. You’re making it sound like you don’t want me to be ok.”  

“What? Of course I want you to be ok. That’s why I’m doing this.”

“I can’t believe you… Why can’t you trust what the doctors are saying?”  

Nick took a few steps closer to her and put both of his hands on her shoulders. “Because they don’t live with you! They don’t see you every day, getting out of breath just by walking up the stairs, or fainting just by taking a short walk on the beach. They don’t see how you are in your sleep when your whole body is aching to get out of those nightmares. It’s not normal Ali. They didn’t know you before any of this shit happened, and that’s why they can’t see that you’re not the same person that you used to be!”

Ali closed her eyes for a second, sighing slightly. “How can I ever become that person again Nick?” She whispered, looking down. “I was gone for 16 months, living under the worse conditions possible, something you would never understand no matter how hard you try. I will never be that same person I used to be Nick. Right now, I feel like I don’t even belong here. I want things to be the way they used to be, but I really need you to help me get there. And by that, I need you to let me make my own decisions, but walk with me, on the same side of the street!” She was almost crying as she finished the last sentence. Suddenly, she felt very dizzy again, and leaned out to support herself on Nick.

“I’m sorry….” He whispered and gently pulled her into a hug. “Are you ok?”

“Just take me home.” She whispered, silent tears rolling down her cheek.

Things were tense between the two of them for the next couple of days. Ali was spending a lot of time in her room, using the fact that the doctor had said she needed to rest as an excuse not to go downstairs and face Nick. Nick was feeling frustrated because he knew he couldn’t tell her otherwise than to follow the doctors orders. Even so, he still spent his nights half awake, worried that Ali might have another bad dream so that she would need him by her side. Sometimes, he even hoped she would. At the same time he felt bad for wanting her to feel bad just so that he could feel good about being there for her. It was all confusing to him, the fact that he constantly worried about her. He knew that he had always acted overprotected towards her, ever since they were kids, and he assumed that those instincts were just getting stronger now that she was back with him and needed him more than ever. At the same time, he was also scared to death that what he was doing to her was wrong. How would she ever manage on her own again, when he was always there to help her? He knew she couldn’t stay with him forever. Eventually, she would want to start her new life, he would want to get his old life back, but right now, there were restrictions that made that impossible for both of them.

Things weren’t easy for Ali either. She kept having moments when she was forced back to the cold, black spaces where she used to be. Not having Nick around as she normally would have, made it even harder, but she was stubborn, and there was no way that she would give in and admit that he was right. She was certain that there was nothing wrong with her besides the fact that she had been through hell and back the last year. The thing that bothered her the most was the fact that even though she wanted to, she couldn’t stay mad at Nick. She knew he only meant well, but she just needed to let him know how she felt about the situation, and that that was the reason why she acted the way she did. It was her way of talking, but Nick knew her language very well and knew from the very beginning that she wasn’t really mad at him, but that she needed some distance and a little space to breathe. They were both hoping that the weirdness between them would pass by eventually, but at the same time, they both wanted that eventually would be now.

After a few days of avoiding each other, Ali was slowly starting to come around again. She wouldn’t say much, but at least she wasn’t in her room all of the time. Things were still a little tense between the two of them, but the fact that they were acting friendlier with each other made them both feel like they were back on track again. Even though they were relieved that things were going better, deep down, they had both know from the beginning that a little disagreement would never come between their friendship. 

Later that week, Ali and Nick were sitting in the living room trying to find an interesting TV-show to watch, when the doorbell rang.

“You expecting someone?” Nick asked, glancing towards the door.

Ali shrugged and shook her head as she continued to stare at the big plasma screen that was now showing an old “Friends” episode. She was feeling restless and as much as she wanted to hang out with Nick, she also felt like it was time to start doing other things than sit in front of the TV all day and rest. She knew that’s what the doctor had told her to do, but in her opinion, it just made things worse. She needed fresh air, a change of scenery, just for a little while.

The doorbell rang again.

“I guess I’ll get it.” Nick stood up and walked across the room.   

Ali nodded and turned her attention back to the TV. A few moments later, Nick came back into the living room.

“For you.” He said and sat down next to Ali.

“Me?”

She stood up and walked across the living room, making her way over to the front door, a smile spreading across her face when she saw who was there.

Nick’s three sisters; BJ, Leslie and Angel.

“Hiiiii!” The three girls said all at once, rushing over to Ali, each giving her a hug.

“Girls, what are you doing here?” She looked at them, frowning a little.

Three Carters with that same “we-know-something-you-don’t” grin, was never a good combination. Hell, any Carter with that expression would make anyone doubtful.  

“We’re taking you out shopping!” BJ said excitedly.

“And a haircut!”

“A makeover…”

“…manicure…”

“…and pedicure!”

The three girls spoke like it was their long lost life mission.

“Did you girls rehearse that?” Ali laughed.

“Maybe a little.” Leslie giggled. “Come on, let’s go!” She grabbed Ali’s hand and proceeded to walk towards the front door. The others following close behind.

“No, wait, wait, wait!” Ali stopped walking.

“What?” BJ asked.

“I just need to make sure Nick is ok with me going out.”

Angel shook her head. “He’ll be fine.”

“You don’t need his permission to do everything.” BJ said.

“I know, I know. It’s just… I owe it to him. He’s taking such good care of me. Give me two minutes.”

“Ok,” BJ said. “But hurry up, we’ve got appointments to make.”

Ali laughed. “You girls are crazy. I’ll be right back.” She shook her head as she walked away from them towards the living room to tell Nick about her plans for the day.

***

“I can’t believe that he told us to make sure you eat properly.” BJ laughed, taking a bite of the large banana split ice cream she was sharing with Leslie.

“And that you sit down every 15 minutes to rest. Who is he, your mom?” Angel continued.

The girls had just finished doing their shopping, and were now taking a break at an ice cream shop that, according to BJ, had ice cream that ‘gave you better orgasms than sex.’

Ali was still laughing inside after that statement.

The Carter sisters were now taking the opportunity to bash their, oh – so – overprotective brother, and were laughing at his reaction when Ali had asked him to come with the girls.

He had said bluntly ‘NO!’, straight away, and they all had to do their best puppy dog faces (and a little sucking up) to get him to agree.

“Girls, come on.” Ali said, trying to keep the laugher to herself. “Give him a break. He’s just trying to protect me. It might be a little too much at times, but he means well.”

“If I didn’t know you guys were such good friends, I would’ve thought he had a crush on you.” Leslie said, making the other girls laugh.

“Ali, are you blushing?” Angel giggled.

The three girls all looked at Ali, making her blush even more. She shook her head and hid her face in her hands although she already knew it was too late.

“Why are you blushing?” Leslie asked, poking Ali on her shoulder. “What’s wrong with Nick having a crush on you? Not that he does, but I think ---“

“OH MY GOOOOD! You have a crush on Nick!” BJ said suddenly, making Ali sink into her chair, praying a hole would open up beneath her and make her disappear.

The three girls suddenly went quiet for a few seconds. Ali braced herself, then, hell broke loose.

“Oh. My. God. You have a crush on Nick?”

“For how long?”

“How come we didn’t know?”

“You HAVE to tell him!”

“You would make the cutes couple EVER.”

“That is just SOOO meant to be!”

“Oh, can I be your bride’s maid?”

“You’re gonna have such cute kids.”

“Oh, I’m gonna be an aunt!”

“I can’t wait unt---“

“Wait, wait!” Ali sat up straight, shaking her head in confusion. “Stop! Girls, come on! Who said anything about kids? Or marriage, or even couple.”

The girls went quiet again.

“Ok… we might have gotten a little carried away there for a sec.” Angel apologized.

“A little, yea.” Ali nodded.

“But you do like him?” Leslie asked curiously.

Ali shrugged. “It’s no big deal, really. Everything is just really weird right now. I don’t know where I stand with anyone, what I feel, what I want… All I know is that I feel different towards him now, than what I did before… you know. But he can not know, ok?”

“Why not?” Angel asked, finishing her ice cream, as the girls got ready to leave.

“Because it will ruin our friendship. He’s my best friend, and I want things to stay like that. So, keep your mouths shut.”

“Awww… but you would be so cute together.”

“Yea, we would be, like, sisters in law.”

“BJ!” Ali said, giving her a look.

“Sorry…”

“Come on, let’s go. We have a hair and makeup appointment in 10 minutes.” Leslie said, dragging Ali by her arm towards the entrance.

“Gotta make you look cute for Nick.”

“BJ!!!”

“Sorry…”

4 weeks later.

It had now been almost three months since Ali’s return, and things were starting to get back to normal both for her and Nick. Ali’s feelings towards Nick were constantly changing, and she was getting more confused as each day went by. He was still her best friend, but deep down, she knew her feelings for him went deeper than that. She just couldn’t define them. She also knew that he only looked at her as a friend, and that whatever she was feeling, wouldn’t be returned, so she kept it to herself. The few people that did know there was something there, had not said anything to anyone about it, so Ali felt certain that it would stay like that.

Even though life was getting back to normal, Ali still felt constantly tired and drained. She would feel light headed just by walking across the front yard, walking up the stairs, or swimming in the pool. She had lost her apatite and hardly ate more than once a day, she slept for at least 12 hours each day, sometimes several times a day. She kept telling herself that her body was still recovering from what she had been through, but she was also getting a little scared that it was more than just that. She tried hiding everything from Nick, but it was hard considering the fact that she was still living with him, and that they were closer as friends than they had ever been. She also didn’t want to admit to herself that her condition might be worse than what she had been thinking from the beginning. And it scared her to think about the fact that she had to tell Nick sooner or later. She knew he was still very worried about her, even though he had stopped making comments about it after their last visit at the hospital. Ali felt bad for acting like everything was fine, when deep down, she knew it wasn’t.

One night, they were sitting in front of the TV in Nick’s living room eating a large pizza. Ali had been quiet most of that evening, and Nick could sense that something was wrong. She had been particularly tired that day and earlier in the evening she had almost fainted twice in thirty minutes. As they were sitting there watching discovery channel, Nick could easily sense that something was wrong. She was acting distant, she didn’t say much and she seemed lost in her own world. Nick had a feeling what she was thinking about, but he was scared to ask because he didn’t want to create a situation like the one a few weeks earlier. He looked over at Ali from the corner of his eye. She was staring intensively at the TV, pretending to be really fascinated about some penguins moving around on the screen.

“Is everything alright Ali?” Nick asked, trying not to sound too worried.

Ali put her plate back on the coffee table in front of them, but didn’t say anything. In her mind, she was trying to figure out what to say, and how to say it.

“Ali?” Nick looked at her concerned.

She sighed, and looked up at him.

“Remember that time at the hospital when you suggested I’d see another doctor?”

Nick frowned and Ali continued. “I think it’s time for me to do that.”

Nick nodded in relief. He knew this was coming. “I think so too.”

Neither of them said anything for the remaining of the evening and night. Deep down, they were both scared of what might come.

Nick slept in Ali’s room that night.

***

The next day, they got up early to drive to a private clinic three hours away from Nick’s home. It was the same clinic that had performed Brian’s heart surgery some years before, and Nick knew it was the best one on the West Coast, possibly in the entire country. Nick had been in touch with them the night before after Ali had gone to bed, and explained the situation, so that they would be prepared when they arrived.

The drive to get to the clinic was mostly made in silence, besides from some small talk like, “The weather is nice today”, “Did you sleep well last night?” , and the occasionally “ohhh”s, and “awww”’s, as they drove past landmarks and buildings.

Both were lost in their own thoughts, and both knew that the other was too busy thinking, than wanting to talk. For the first time since Ali got back from Russia, she felt as though this was a situation not even Nick would make her feel better in. She felt that if it really was something wrong with her, she would be on her own, and as they got closer and closer to the clinic, she started panicking more and more inside.

To Nick, the situation seemed unreal. He had had a bad feeling about Ali’s condition from the beginning, and he was starting to realize that his suspicions might come true. Even though he couldn’t begin to imagine what was wrong with her, he knew that is was more than just the fact that she was drained from everything that had happened. He was just praying that it was something they could fix by giving her some prescriptions or something. It could be a virus that they could treat, or an infection somewhere in her body. He was nervous to find out.

They arrived at the clinic at noon that same afternoon. Because Nick had notified them that they were coming, they were directed into a private room to wait for the doctor that would run the tests as soon as they walked through the doors. As they sat there waiting, all of a sudden Ali burst out into tears. She slowly slid down from her chair down on the floor and buried her face in her hands. Nick rushed over to her, placing himself next to her.

“Hey…. What’s the matter? Shhhh…” He tried to calm her down, putting an arm around her shoulders, but she kept crying, rocking back and forth like a baby.

“You know, I’m scared too”, he continued while stroking her back gently, “but you know you need to do this. You can’t keep living like you do Ali. Just think about how much better you’re gonna feel once you get some answers from the doctor. And you know, maybe we’re just exaggerating this whole thing. Maybe it’s nothing to worry about, but if it is, at least we’ll know. And we’ll know what to do about it, and we’ll get through it together.”

Ali didn’t say anything, but her sobbing was getting weaker, and Nick knew that his words might have made her feel a little better, at least considering the circumstances.

A few minutes later, Nick helped Ali up from the floor and onto a hospital bed in the corner of the room.

“Why don’t you lie down for a little while? You look tired.”

“I feel exhausted…” She whispered, resting her head on the pillow and closing her eyes.

Nick sat next to her, stroking her hair gently while holding her hand as she fell into a restless sleep.

It was hard for Nick to imagine what Ali was feeling at that moment. He knew she was scared, as were he, but he couldn’t begin to wonder how much this situation affected her. As he sat there, watching his best friend sleep, he started thinking about everything they had been through together. Good and bad. He felt that together, they had experienced more in their lives than any normal person ever would. Between Nick’s career, and Ali’s kidnapping, he believed they had felt every possible emotion that you could ever feel, and more.     

Nick didn’t know how long they had been in waiting, when all of a sudden, the door to the room slowly opened, and a man in his late 40’s stepped inside. He reminded Nick a little bit of Brian’s father, who was one of the most caring men he’d ever met. The doctor walked over to the bed where Nick was sitting next to Ali, who was still asleep, and presented himself.

“Hi, I’m doctor Martins. You must be Mr. Carter?” He said while shaking Nick’s hand.

“Call me Nick.” Nick said and stood up.

“And I assume this is Alicia?” Doctor Martins asked, looking down at Ali.

Nick nodded. “Yea, she fell asleep a while ago. She usually sleeps for a few hours in the middle of the day. She gets tired really easily.”

“I see… You know… why don’t we let her sleep for a little while? I’ll have a talk with you first, and we’ll run the tests later. We’ll just sit down over there and you can tell me about her situation.” The doctor pointed towards a small table and two chairs at the other end of the room.

Nick nodded again and followed the doctor across the room after casting one last glance at Ali, making sure that she was ok. 

After Nick was done telling Dr. Martins about Ali’s situation, they decided to wake up her from her sleep. She had been lying quietly in the back of the room, and Nick was relieved that she hadn’t shown any signs of a bad dream. Dr. Martins had been very understanding and curious about the situation, and Nick was under the impression that he really wanted to help them the best he could, even if it would take some time.

“Ali?” Nick bent down over the bed where Ali was sleeping, trying to get her to wake up. “Wake up honey.”

She stirred and opened her eyes slowly, adjusting to the bright light in the room.

“We’re ready to do the tests. The doctor is here.”

“Ok…” She didn’t know how she was supposed to feel about the situation. The moment she had been dreading was there, and she was expecting the worst. She looked around the room, and spotted the doctor standing a few feet behind Nick.

“Hi…” She said, trying not to sound as weak as she felt. “I’m Alicia, but you can call me Ali.” The doctor smiled back at her and approached the bed, his right arm out stretched.

“I’m Dr. Martins. I’ll be running the tests, and making sure that we don’t miss anything. I just had a long conversation with Nick here, and I can assure you, if there’s anything wrong with you, we’ll know by the end of the day.”

Ali gave him a weak smile, not knowing what to say. She had been hoping that they would be able to give her a diagnose by the end of the day. Back in LA she had to wait for at least a week to get the results that never told her anything, but she knew this clinic was the best, probably nation wide, and she was happy to hear that she wouldn’t have to return days later to get the results.

***

It took more than three hours to complete all the tests that needed to be done, and by the time they were finished, Ali was exhausted. Half of the tests they had done, Ali didn’t even know existed, and some of them were almost too much for her to handle. The tests consisted of a CT scan, several blood tests, exercises that would determine her pulse and blood pressure in the most accurate ways, specific tests that would show absence in her hearing or sight, and several other things that Ali didn’t even know what were, or what they were for.   

Al the time while Ali was doing her tests, Nick was sitting anxiously outside in the waiting area. He wasn’t allowed to stay with Ali because the doctors didn’t want any disturbance. Nick knew they were right, and he knew very well that if he had come inside with Ali, he would have acted overprotective and only made it worse. Still, while he was sitting there on the oversized plush couch, watching a football match on the TV in a corner, he couldn’t help but think that he wanted to be there. He was constantly contemplating what they would find from doing the tests, and his palms felt clammy from imagining the worst scenarios.

After more than three hours of waiting and thinking, Ali emerged from one of the rooms down the hall. She looked tired and drained as she walked over to Nick. Nick instantly put his arms around her and held her tight for a long while.

“How was it?” He asked when he finally let go.

“Exhausting…” Ali gave him a weak smile. “We can have the room at the end of the hall while we wait for the results to come back. I need to lie down for a little while.”

“Alright, let’s go then.”

Nick followed Ali back down the hall and into the room where they could be waiting. Ali immediately lied down on the bed and fell asleep within a few minutes.

Time was passing by so slowly while Nick was sitting next to Ali, watching her sleep. He couldn’t help but feel incredibly sorry for her. She didn’t deserve this. She had just gotten her life back, and now this… And none of them even knew what ‘this’ was. It could be nothing for all they knew. Maybe there was no reason to be worried at all. Nick looked back to the time only a few months earlier when he and AJ had travelled all the way to Siberia, Russia, to look for Ali who had been missing for almost a year and a half. He recognized the feeling he felt now with what he had been feeling back then. The uncertainty and fear, the feeling of not knowing what was going to happen within the next day, hour or even minute. He despised that feeling of not knowing. He even thought it was worse than actually knowing the truth, even though the truth might be much worse than what he wanted it to be.

It was two hours later, and already late in the afternoon, when Dr. Martins entered the room. Ali had been awake for almost 30 minutes by then, and her and Nick were sitting on the bed talking, and trying not think about the test results. The second the doctor entered the room, they both fell silent.

“How are you feeling, Alicia?” He asked while approaching them.

“I don’t know…” she sighed. “Tired, scared, uncertain, ready to find out what’s wrong with me…” Her voice trailed off and Nick squeezed her hand gently.

The doctor pulled out a chair and sat down next to the bed, facing both Nick and Ali.

“I think it might be better if you wait outside.” He looked at Nick apologetically.

“No!” Ali grabbed Nick’s arm. “He stays here with me. I need him to be here.”

The doctor knew by the tone in her voice that it was no point in arguing.

“Alright.” Dr. Martins nodded in approval and folded his hands on his lap. “So, Alicia… We ran all the tests in the lab to find an answer to your condition. I must admit that I really did think we were dealing with something here, but all the tests came out clean. Negative. There’s nothing wrong with you Ali.” He stopped for a few moments to see Ali’s reaction.

What?

Ali felt her head spinning. She didn’t know what she was going to say. All this time, she had been imagining the worst scenarios, and now he was telling here that she was fine. A rush of relief suddenly ran through her body. She looked over at Nick. He looked just as shocked as she did.

“I’m fine?” She asked, wondering if she hadn’t heard him correctly.

Dr. Martins nodded. “You’re fine.”

“I’m fine!” She stood up from the bed and threw herself at Nick. “Did you hear him Nick? I’m fine!!” Her smile was as big as Nick had ever seen it before, and he couldn’t help but smile with her.

“I’m so relieved right now! Are you really sure? I’m fine? Nothing’s wrong with me?”

The doctor smiled. “Nothing’s wrong with you. You may leave, and start getting better.”

“I feel better already!” She took Nick’s hand and started dragging him across the room, giving Dr. Martins a hug on her way.

“Come on Prick! Time to go home!”

Nick laughed, following her across the room. “Thanks doctor.” He managed to say before he got dragged out the door.

Ali felt as if the whole world had opened up to her, as they sat in the car, driving back to Nick’s place. It had been a long and exhausting day, but Ali felt as if she could climb Mount Everest. Nick too, was smiling to himself as they were driving along the highway. Ali was humming to a song she loved, looking out the window, enjoying the quiet time.

They hadn’t been driving for more than half an hour, when Ali’s phone rang. She reached out for it and answered, her voice sounding light and happy.

“Ali speaking.”

Nick looked over at her from the corner of his eye. She was listening intensively to the person on the other line, and just as fast as her smile had appeared not even an hour before, it disappeared, and a look of horror filled her eyes. Nick frowned and waited as Ali whispered a few words and hung up only seconds later. She slowly put down her cell phone and without facing Nick, she whispered;

“Dr. Martins wants us to come back to the clinic….”

“I’m so sorry I had to call you back here, Alicia.”

Ali smiled a nervous smile and sat down by the desk in Dr. Martins’ office. Nick sat down next to her.

Dr. Martins looks as though he was thinking hard about what to say, and Ali got even more nervous just by looking at him.

“This never happens here at the clinic, but I am really sorry to say that there was a mix-up at the lab. Some of your blood samples were mistakenly traded with someone else’s.” He looked apologetically at Ali.

She could tell he felt really bad.

“So… what does that mean?” She asked, afraid to know the answer.

“It means that unfortunately, I was wrong. You’re not ok Alicia…” He looked down for a few seconds. “You have leukaemia.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Leukaemia?” Ali whispered feeling her heart beating faster.

“Blood cancer.” Dr. Martins continued. “It means that your bone marrow is producing too many white blood cells. In your case, this has already started to affect your organs.”

“I….” Ali didn’t know what to say. Her whole body suddenly felt numb and all the sounds around her became distant. She lost sense of what was going on around her, but she thought she could feel Nick’s hand on her shoulder. Everything felt very unreal.

“Oh my God…” she was able to whisper. Within seconds the world had crashed around her. She wanted to cry, wanted to scream, to run away from everything, but she felt as if she was glued to the chair. Things around her started to become blurry, and the sounds coming from Dr. Martins and Nick seemed million miles away. Suddenly, everything went black.

Nick was watching Ali as Dr. Martins’ word hit her. Within seconds she had lot all the colour in her face. He gently put a hand on her shoulder to support her until she had regained herself a little. Somehow, Nick didn’t feel any shock, sadness, anger or anything at all. A part of him hadn’t realized what Dr. Martins had just told them, and a part of him wanted to be strong for Ali’s sake. He looked over at her again and just as he was about to ask her if she was ok, he noticed her eyes falling back into her head. He knew that sign all too well, and managed to stand up and catch her before she slid off the chair and down on the floor. Dr. Martins came rushing out from behind his desk to help Nick. Together, they laid her gently down on the floor, her head resting on Nick’s lap.

“Ali? Ali, honey, wake up.” Nick was gently stroking her hair, while the doctor was checking her vital signs.

“Ali! Come on… wake up sweetie.”

“She should be ok for now.” Dr. Martins stated. “The room across the hall is available. Can you carry her in there, and we’ll let her come out of it on her own?”

Nick nodded and carefully moved Ali’s head away from his lap. He gently picked her up while Dr. Martins opened the doors that led them to the room he had referred to. Nick gently laid Ali down on the bed and positioned himself in a chair next to it.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Dr. Martins said and left the room quietly.

It wasn’t more than 5 minutes later when Ali began to stir. Nick took her hand and gently squeezed it as he watched her opened her eyes to let them wander around the room for a few seconds.

“Please tell me it was a bed dream…” she whispered slowly after a few moments. Nick sighed and put a hand on her cheek. He shook his head. “No honey… it wasn’t a bad dream.”

“This is not happening to me…” Tears started forming in her eyes.

“I wish I knew what to say Ali, but I don’t.”

“That’s alright. I don’t know what to say either…”

They both drifted off into their own thoughts and weren’t interrupted until Dr. Martins entered the room again another 5 minutes later. He walked over to the bed where Ali was lying and sat down on a chair next to Nick.

“How are you feeling?” He asked for the second time that day.

Ali shook her head slightly. “I don’t know…”

“I have to apologize again for the mistake we made. I was feeling so happy for you when you left earlier today, and when I got the message from the lab, I just feared the worst.”

“It’s alright doctor. It’s not your fault.”

“I brought some brochures for you to read. I assume you don’t know that much about your condition. However, there are a lot of things that I can answer for you, and I’ll tell you all about the treatments and you options.”

Ali nodded.

“The type of cancer you have developed is called Acute Myeloid Leukaemia, or AML, and it’s the most common type of blood cancer for your age group. In your case the cancer is on a moderate level. It means we caught it early, but not as early as we’d liked. It could have been worst, but it could have been better too… The earlier you catch it, the easier it is to treat, and the chances for survival are bigger.”

“Chances of survival…” Ali whispered. She didn’t know if she meant it as a question or as a statement.

“Alicia… where you are right now, there’s an estimated 50/50 % chance of survival. It all depends on how well your body responds to the treatments, and how strong you are.”
”She’s a fighter!” Nick said, his voice suddenly sounding shaky. “Right Ali? You’re a fighter.”

“I don’t know if I can do this…” She hid her face in her hands and started shaking uncontrollably. Nick quickly stood up and sat down on the bed next to her, putting an arm around her shoulders. “Shhhh…. It’s gonna be alright sweetie. I’m here with you. You’re gonna get through this.” He wasn’t sure if he was talking to himself or to Ali, or maybe both.

It took a few moments for Ali to calm down, and when she had, she had no idea what to say. Nick knew how shaken up she was, she he was the one leading the conversation for her.

“What kinda treatments are we talking about?” He asked Dr. Martins.

“Chemo therapy twice a week, different medication, and if your body doesn’t respond to it the way we want it to, your last options is a bone marrow transplant.”

“When do I start?” Ali asked and looked up at the doctor.

“As soon as possible, preferably tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“If you wanna beat this, we have no time to waste.”

“But tomorrow is so soon… I don’t think I’m ready.”

“I’ll tell you what… There’s a nice hotel across the road from here. I’ll set up an appointment for you tomorrow at ten, and I’m gonna give you more information on what’s gonna happen, in what order, and what you can expect. I suggest you just spend some time letting this all sink in, I know it’s a lot to digest right now.”

Ali nodded. “I don’t know if I want it to sink in.” she whispered.

“I know this is not what you wanted to hear, and again, I’m so sorry about this misunderstanding. I just want to let you know that I will do my outmost to help you in this situation.”

Ali nodded again. It was all she felt she could do at that moment. Dr. Martins handed her the brochures that he had brought.

“Read these, ok? It will answer most of the questions you will have for now.” He put a friendly hand on her shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow Ali, Nick.” He shook Nick’s hand and left the room.

Ali looked down at the brochures she was holding in her hands.

“Fighting cancer.”

“Leukaemia, what now?”

“Dealing with cancer.”

“Chemo therapy.”

“When someone you know has cancer.”

She handed the last one to Nick. “Here… I guess you’ll need this…”

That was all it took. Nick had been trying to convince himself that he needed to be strong for Ali, but holding that small brochure in his hand completely turned everything around.

“Shit…” He mumbled under his breath as he felt his eyes filling with water.

Ali looked up at him. “Oh no, Nick… don’t cry. I need you to be strong for me here, because I don’t think I can be.” She was struggling to keep her voice steady. She couldn’t remember seeing Nick cry like that before. He had cried in front of her, but the few times he had, it had been because he was happy, or relieved, like when he had found her in Russia. Now, when she looked up at him, it was tears of sadness and pain that she saw. Even though he was trying to hide it from her, she knew him better than that.

“I’m sorry… I’m just…” he wiped away the tears rolling down his cheek. Get yourself together Carter! “You know what? Let’s just get a room at that hotel Dr. Martins was talking about, and we’ll deal with this tomorrow. I don’t even know what to think right now, or even how to react to anything…”

Ali nodded in agreement. “I know… I don’t think I can sleep, but we can’t stay here all night anyways. And it’s getting late too…” It took all the strength she had to get out up from the bed. Nick walked over to her side and put his arm around her, half comforting her, half supporting her.

“Ready?” he looked down at her, and his heart went out to her, as she slowly took a deep breath.

“Ready.”

They both knew the next day would be long and painful, and none of them knew what to expect. All they knew was that somehow, they would get through it together.

Chapter 8

“You ok?” Nick asked Ali for the thousand time that day.

 “Nick… Stop asking me if I’m ok. You know I’m not!”

It was the next day, and they were sitting in Dr. Martins’ office, waiting for the doctor to give them more information on Ali’s situation.

“Sorry… I just…” Nick had run out of words to say. He kept asking Ali if she was ok because that was the one thing he felt he could say without touching the subject and make Ali feel worse. The only think he could think of was how unfair the whole thing was, and that Ali was the one person he could think of that didn’t deserve being in that situation. He wanted to tell her, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

They were both exhausted after a long, sleepless night. Nick had been feeling restless and even though he wanted to sleep, he couldn’t. He was sharing a bed with Ali, as they had done so many times before, but they had both stayed on their side of the bed, lost in their own thoughts. Normally, they would have cuddled up against each other out of old habit, but Nick wanted to give Ali some space, and Ali was too upset and tired to even move an inch from her side. Eventually, they had both been lying there, listening to each others breathing and trying to sort out their own thoughts.

“Good morning.” The door to the office opened and Dr. Martins entered the room. He seemed pretty cheerful, but Nick had a feeling he was only putting on that face to lighten up the mood. Nick and Ali shook his hand and the doctor sat down by his desk opposite to them. He pulled out a file from a drawer and put it in front of him.

“How are you feeling today Alicia?”

Ali had been looking down the whole time, and still didn’t look up as she responded. “Tired…”

“That’s understandable. Did you get a chance to look at the brochures I gave you yesterday?”

Ali shook her head no. “I went straight to bed once we got to the hotel. I have them in my bag though.” She reached out to pull them out of the bag she had placed on the floor next to her.

“There’s no need to, Alicia. I’m here now. I’ll tell you all you need to know. Do you have any questions on top of your mind, or do you want me to start explaining?”

Ali hesitated. She did have a question, but she knew it was a stupid one, and that it was the last thing she should be worrying about, but she couldn’t help it.

“Alicia?”

She knew that both Nick and the doctor had sensed she wanted to ask about something.

“Don’t be afraid to ask him Ali.” Nick leaned towards her and took her hand in his.

Ali nodded. “Will I lose my hair?” She looked down. “I mean… I know it’s silly of me to worry about it when there’s so much more I should be thinking about, but I’ve seen what chemo therapy does to people, and I was just wondering… you know…” her voice trailed off.

Dr. Martins gave her a small smile. “It’s not silly Alicia. Actually, a lot of people do wonder about that too. To answer you question, unfortunately, yes, you will most likely lose most of your hair. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but the point of chemo therapy is to stop your cells from splitting and producing more cells, to stop the cancer from spreading. This also means that the cells in your body that isn’t affected by the cancer yet will be weakened, and in this case it will result in hair loss.”

Ali sighed. It was the answer she was expecting, but also fearing.

“What other side effects will I have?” She asked, her voice shaking.

“The extent of the side effect varies from person to person, but the most common ones are nausea, tiredness and anemia. In addition to these, you may experience memory loss, depression, sore muscles and liver damage. But it’s important for you to know that each patient reacts differently to the treatment. These are just the basic, most common ones.”

“Ok…” Ali wasn’t sure what to say. She knew there would be side effect, but she didn’t know there would be that many. “What about the treatment? How does it work? What’s the purpose of it? How long will I be doing it for? How often?” She didn’t know where all of the questions came from, but suddenly, she felt like knowing everything.

“As I told you yesterday, your bone marrow is producing too many white blood cells. The purpose of the therapy is to stop these cells from reproducing and spreading. The chemo itself, which is actually poison, is given by an injection mixed with salt water that goes straight into your blood. You will be doing the treatment until the cancer is either gone, stabilized, or retreating. It really depends on how your body accepts the treatment. In some cases, chemo therapy does nothing to prevent the cancer form spreading, sometimes it removes it completely and other times it just gives you a little more time.”

“A little more time for what?” Nick asked, looking at Dr. Martins.

“Live…” Ali whispered. “When do I start the first treatment?”

The doctor looked at his watch. “They’re expecting you in just under an hour.”

It was an hour later, and Nick was sitting in the waiting area outside the room where Ali was being given her first chemo treatment. He wasn’t allowed inside with her because of all the precautions. He had no idea how long it would take, and all he could do was sit there and stare at the white walls that were surrounding him. Suddenly, his phone started vibrating in his pocked. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk to anybody, but the need to hear a different voice than Ali and Dr. Martins’ were growing inside him. He looked at the display to see who it was and decided to answer.

“Hello.” He knew he sounded tired.

“Hey.” AJ’s voice was on the other side. He was the one person that Nick felt completely comfortable talking to at the moment. AJ had been there when they had found Ali in Russia and knew what kinda relationship Nick and Ali had.

“Hi…” Nick was struggling to find something to say. He wasn’t sure if he wanted AJ to know what had happened or not, even though he knew he would find out sooner or later.

“What’s wrong? You sound weird.”

Nick paused for a few seconds.

“Nick?”

“I’m….”

“What’s going on Nick?”

“I’m at this clinic with Ali…”

“Clinic? What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me. It’s Ali?”

“What happened? Is she alright?”

“Ummm…”

“Nick… you’re making me nervous here.”

“She’s not alright… she had cancer.”

“What?”

“She was diagnosed with leukaemia yesterday.”

“Oh my god… What happened? I mean… how did you find out?”

“She’s been feeling really sick for the past few weeks… or actually, since she came back. We thought it was just because she’s was living under such poor conditions, but she was getting worried, and so was I, so we drove here yesterday, and they diagnosed her with cancer.”

“Man… I’m so sorry. Gosh… she’s the last person I can think of to deserve this. How is she feeling now?”

“She’s getting her first chemo therapy treatment right now. I don’t think she’s realized what’s happening to her yet. She’s kinda… just sitting there, trying to be brave. You know her. She hates showing how she feels about things. She cried a little yesterday, but that’s all. I’m really worried how she’s gonna feel about this when we get back home.”

“Dude… if you need anything, just call or… anything, ok?”

“Thanks Jay.”

“Do you want me to tell the rest of the guys for you?”

“Could you do that? Just tell them I’ll call when I know more about this whole thing.”

“I will. Just let me know if there’s anything else. Tell Ali I say hi.”

“Alright, I will. I’ll call you later.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

It was 30 minutes later when Ali walked out of the room that Nick, in his mind, had started referring to as the “chemo-room”. He was reading a magazine on plastic surgery when she suddenly stood next to him.

“Nice breasts.” Ali said smiling a little, nodding at a picture of some clearly enhanced breasts. Nick jumped in his seat and quickly put the magazine away.

“Heeey.” He stood up and pulled her into a hug. “How did it go?”

Ali sighed, and just as quickly as the smile had appeared, it was gone.

“Let’s just go home…”

Chapter 9

The ride home was made in complete silence. Nick wanted to ask Ali about the chemo therapy, but didn’t know where to begin. He sensed that she wanted to talk about it, but he was afraid to upset her even more, so he decided to leave it. Instead he turned up the radio and pretended to be thinking hard about something. It wasn’t far from the truth though. He was thinking really hard – about Ali.

Once they got back to Nick’s place, Ali disappeared quietly into her room. She needed to be alone for a while. She hadn’t been by herself since she had gotten the news about the cancer, and she needed some time to just reflect. But no sooner had she laid her head down on the pillow, did her phone start ringing. She sighed quietly and reached over to the nightstand to grab it.

“Hello?”

“Ali, it’s Leighann. I just heard. I am so sorry…”

Ali closed her eyes.

“How are you holding up?” Leighann asked.

“I… umm… I… How did you find out?”

“Nick talked to AJ a few hours ago. AJ called Howie, Howie called Brian, he’s on the phone with Kevin right now. You know how they are… It’s a chain reaction.”

“Right…”

“Oh Ali… I’m so sorry. I mean, I didn’t know if you wanted us all to know. But I mean, we just want to be there for you.”

“I know.”

“Out of all the people I know Ali… And it had to happen to you.”

“Yea…”

“Look, I’m gonna let you get some rest, you must be exhausted. But if you need someone to talk to other than Nick, you know you can call me anytime. I’m here for you Ali.”

“Thanks Leigh.”

“Alright, well… take care Ali. Be safe, ok?”

“I will… bye.”

“Bye sweetie.

Ali put down her cell phone and popped her head back on the pillow. Her thoughts were spinning in every direction. She didn’t know what to think, what to feel or how to react. The familiar feeling of being alone and helpless entered her mind again. She closed her eyes, and within seconds she was back in Siberia, back in the cold, closed spaces, where there was only her. Deep down, she knew she had Nick. Sweet Nick, who had always been there for her, and whom she treasured more than anything in her life. But he wasn’t the one dealing with the actual feeling of drifting towards nothing. He was there, physically, someone to lean on, but she knew he would never understand. And then there were the rest of the guys, always there to help, always to put a smile on her face. She was grateful for that. They never made her feel different. The last thing she wanted was to feel different, to feel like an outcast. She didn’t want people to feel sorry for her. She didn’t want phone calls like the one from Leighann a few minutes earlier. Of course, she knew the intentions were good, but a part of her just wanted to go on like everything was alright. Even though, deep down, she knew things were as far from alright as they could possibly get.

Downstairs, Nick was back on the phone with AJ. Sometimes he wonder why he always called AJ when he needed to talk about things. He figured it was because he knew AJ had been through a lot, and because of that, he always had some good advices.

“I just don’t know what to do Jay. I mean… I wanna be there for her, but I don’t know how to act. I don’t know what to say, what to do. I know that she hates being treated differently. I don’t want to treat her like she might be dying, you know…”

“I know man… I wish I knew what to tell you. I guess the only reasonable thing for you to do right now, is to treat her as normally as you can, and show her that you’re here for her when she  needs you”.

“Yea… I guess I just need some time to get used to the thought… Gosh, I can’t believe I might lose her again.”

“I know. I don’t know what to say Nick. I know this is hard for you. Just hang in there alright.”

Nick sighed and nodded to himself. “I will. Listen, I should go. I’m gonna go take a walk on the beach or something. Clear my head a little.”

“What about Ali?”

“She’s in her room. I think she wants some time to herself.”

“I can understand that… Call me if you need anything, ok?”

“I will. Bye.”

“Later.”

Nick stood up from the couch and walked over to the large window with the view of the beach. Looking at the waves always made him feel calm and peaceful. It was his place to go when he needed to think and let his mind wander. The beach was where he had spent most of his time when Ali had been missing. Nick walked over to the glass doors leading out to the porch, and stepped outside. The windy evening was bringing the tidal waves closer to the sandy beach and the sun was slowly moving towards the horizon. It was his favourite time of the day. The beach was almost empty and the only sound filling the air was the waves breaking as they hit the shore. Nick kicked off his sandals and walked barefoot towards the water, making his way away from his house. After walking for a few minutes, he sat down in the sand, facing the water. A thousand thoughts were running through his mind. Ali. Cancer. Death. Life. Love. Ali…

He had no idea how long he had been sitting there, when something suddenly hit him hard in the back of his head. He looked around, startled. A Golden Retriever was running towards him wagging its tale, aiming for a small tennis ball that was lying in the sand next to Nick.     

“Rocket!!! Rocket! Come here!!!”

Nick looked to the side. A girl around his age was half walking, half running, towards him, shouting the dog’s name as the dog caught the ball and jumped on Nick.

“Rocket!!” The girl approached Nick. “I am so sorry. Rocket, get down!!”

Nick smiled. “That’s alright. Hey boy.” He scratched the dog behind its ear. “It’s a nice dog. His name is Rocket?”

The girl nodded. “Yea. He’s still a puppy, so he’s a little playful. Sorry about that…”

“I don’t mind. I have a puppy myself. I just got her a few weeks ago.”

“Really? What kind?”

“She’s a pug. Her name is Leyla.” 

“How come you didn’t bring her to the beach with you?”

“Oh… I normally do… I just needed some alone time. You know… no puppy or anything.” Nick looked back at the water.

“Oh… ok. I’m disturbing you… I’m sorry. Rocket, come here boy.” She proceeded to walk away.

“No, no. I didn’t mean it like that.” Nick didn’t know why he stopped her, but it felt nice talking to someone who didn’t know about his problems. “You and Rocket are more than welcome to join me for a little while. I don’t mind.”

The girl looked surprised. “Ok… thanks.” She sat down in the sand next to Nick, playing a little with the dog.

“I’m Nick.”

“Lucy.”

“Nice to meet you Lucy.” He smiled at her, and for a brief second, he forgot all about Ali. But then, he looked more closely at her, and he suddenly realised how much she reminded him of Ali. They had the same dark brown hair, the same friendly smile and the same passion in their eyes.

“So, what brings you down to the beach?” Lucy asked.

Nick shrugged. “I don’t know… just… life I guess. How about you?”

“Same I guess. And Rocket loves it down here.”

“Do you live nearby?”

“Yea, just a few miles from here. I come here every evening for a walk.”

They continued talking about random stuff and telling each other about life and where they were going, although Nick avoided the subject revolving Ali and his career.

He didn’t know how long they had been sitting there talking, but he suddenly realized it was almost dark outside, and his thoughts wandered back to Ali again.

“I should be getting back…” He said and stood up, brushing off sand from his jeans.

“I should too.”

They walked together towards Nick’s house, still making small talk, Rocket running around and in between their legs.

“This is me.” Nick said as they reached the yard leading towards his porch.

“Alright.” Lucy said, grabbing Rocket’s collar. “It was nice talking to you Nick. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

“Yea. Maybe you will. Take care. Bye Rocket.”

He turned around and walked towards the house.

Upstairs, Ali was sitting by her window, wondering what the scene she had just witnessed was, who the girl was, and if she should worry. 

Chapter 10

When Ali woke up the next morning, Nick had already left the house, leaving her a note on the kitchen counter that told her he had things to do and that he would be back later that afternoon. It made Ali a little worried that she hadn’t talked to him since they got back from the clinic the day before, and that he had already left without telling her where he was going. She knew it was none of her business, but still, she was used to him always letting her know what he would be up to during the day, and the fact that he had just left made her a little thoughtful. Nick had always been very supportive and protective, but ever since she had gotten the terrible news about the cancer two days earlier, he had been acting a little more distant and quiet than what Ali was used to. This was a time when she needed him more than ever, and she was starting to worry that her situation was scaring him away. She desperately needed him to be there for her, he was the only one she knew she could trust and rely on, and the one person she depended on. He was also the one person she had ever truly loved, although she was still trying to figure out what kind of love she had towards him.

Hours passed, the sun started to set, and there was still no sign of Nick. Ali had tried calling him several times, but his phone was turned off. During the day, she had been starting to feel the effect on the chemo therapy, spending several minutes in the bathroom, hanging over the toilet seat, throwing up, thinking that the situation could have been a little better if only Nick was there holding her hair back like he used to do when she had gotten too much to drink.

The night approached too fast, and before Ali knew it, she was lying in bed again, exhausted, forcing her eyes to stay open just in case Nick got back. Just before she drifted off into a restless sleep, she thought she could hear the front door to the house open, or maybe it was her dreams fooling her.

The next day, Ali was set for another chemo treatment. It meant that they would have to leave around noon to be at the clinic in time. But as soon as she got out of bed that morning, she knew that Nick had already left to go somewhere. It was something about the way the house seemed awfully empty when he was not there. And just as she had predicted, there was a note on the kitchen counter again, explaining that he had gotten caught up the day before, and that he had some unfinished business to take care of that day. There was no mentioning if he would be back to take her to the clinic or not. After calling Nick constantly for an hour, and leaving him message after message on his answering machine, Ali picked up her phone and dialled another familiar number.

“Hello” AJ’s voice sounded groggy, like he hadn’t gotten out of bed yet.

“AJ…. It’s Ali.”

“Ali! Hi… how are you feeling? Is everything alright?” She could hear the concern in his voice.

“I’m ok… It’s just… you don’t happen to know where Nick is, do you?”

“No… sorry, I don’t. Did anything happen?”

Ali sighted and popped down on the couch in the living room. “No…. I don’t know. It’s just, I have another chemo treatment in a few hours, and he was supposed to take me, but he’s not here and I can’t reach him. In fact, I haven’t seen him since the day before yesterday.”

“Really? That’s not like Nick…”

“I know he’s been sleeping here, cause his bed is not made, and someone definitely slept in it, and he’s been eating cereal too. It’s just that I get tired really fast, and I don’t have the energy to stay up and wait for him or get up early enough to catch him before he leaves.”

“Have you tried calling him?”

“Yea, his phone is switched off…”

“That’s strange… Listen, give me thirty minutes and I’ll pick you up and drive you to the clinic.”

“Really? Are you sure that’s not too much to ask?”

“Ali… how many times will I have to tell you? You’re my friend. Nick isn’t the only one you can ask for favours. I’d be glad to help. And I mean, it’s important that you’re following the treatment plan.”

“Thank’s AJ.”

“No problem honey. Just give me thirty minutes and I’ll be there.”

A few hours later, Ali found herself sitting in the same room as she had two days before, with a needle in her arm, feeling the clear fluid treatment enter her body. It was a strange feeling, knowing that her life depended on those few drops. It seemed almost ridiculous that something so small could be so powerful. She knew she still hadn’t experienced the full extent of the side effects yet, and she knew that once she started having the treatment regularly she would get worse. The thought of feeling constantly ill scared her, and she prayed that Nick would stay with her, and that whatever it was that he was going through was just temporarily.

“So, what exactly is going on with Nick, Ali?” AJ asked once they were on their way home a short hour later.

Ali sighed. “I really don’t know… He’s been acting really distant the past couple of days. I haven’t even talked to him since we got back from the clinic two days ago. I’ve been calling his cell, waiting up for him, but I’m too tired to keep myself up all night.”

“Do you think he’s scared?”

“I think he’s terrified.”

AJ nodded. “You know, he lost you once, and he just got you back, and now… this… I can understand is he feels insecure about this situation. But you know what? He’s Nick, he always comes around sooner or later.”

“It’s just… I need him AJ, now! And as hard as this might be to him, how do you think I feel? A few months from now, I might not even be here, and if that’s the case… I wanna spend those last months with my best friend. He’s all I’ve got, you know.” Tears started forming in her eyes, and she looked down at her hands, quickly blinking them away.

“Hey… you’ve got me.” AJ reached over and gently touched her hand. She looked over at him, giving him a small grateful smile as AJ continued. “But this is more than just spending time with your best friend, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… He means more to you than that, doesn’t he?”

Ali didn’t answer.

“There’s nothing wrong with having feelings for someone, Ali.” AJ continued. “I mean, you’ve known each other since forever, it was bound to----“

“AJ! Please… don’t.” Ali shook her head in frustration. “Everyone thinks they know how I feel about him, but they don’t ok? Not you, not Nick, not anyone, not even me. All I know is that he means more to me than anyone else, and I am so scared of losing that. I’m scared of losing him.”

“But you do love him?”

“Of course I love him, but there are more than one kind of love, and right now I’m too freaked out to even begin to consider what kind of love I feel for him. It’s too much right now. Everything is too much right now.” She was fighting back her tears now.

AJ nodded. “I understand. But you really should talk to him Ali.”

“How can I do that when he’s not even there?”

“I don’t know… We’ll find a way.”

Chapter 11

The rest of the way home, Ali sat in silence, trying to figure out what to say to Nick. She knew it would be hard confronting him, but she needed him to know that she desperately needed him to be there. It wasn’t hard to predict how he would react, he was Nick after all, and Ali knew he would defend himself and deny what he was really thinking about the whole situation. She was also wondering when she’d be able to talk to him, and if he would show himself while she was awake during the next couple of days. She didn’t need to think about it for long though, because when AJ drove up to Nick’s house an hour later, they could see Nick’s car in the driveway, meaning that he had returned from whatever it was that he had been doing that day.

“Guess you didn’t have to wait that long after all.” AJ commented as he parked the car and turned off the engine.

“Guess not.”

“You want me to come inside with you?”

Ali shook her head. “Thanks, but no… I think I need to do this alone. And besides, Nick tends to act differently when you’re around, or I mean, not act differently, but I think it needs to be just him and I if I’m gonna get him to listen.”

“What are you going to say to him?”

Ali shrugged. “No idea… I was kinda hoping that I would get some time to prepare for this, but I guess not.”

“Are you gonna tell him that you’re in love with him?” AJ asked, knowing that he might be crossing a line.

“I’m not in love with him.” She answered quickly, though she knew she couldn’t have sounded too convincing.

“I don’t think you believe that anymore than I do.” He smiled a little, knowing what she was thinking. She looked down, and AJ continued. “You know… you’d feel a lot better if you tell him. I know it’s a hard thing to do with everything else you’re facing right now, but you know, he might come around again if he knew.”

Ali sighed. “But I don’t want him to come around again just because of something I’m not even sure of. I want him to be there as my friend. My best friend. Don’t you see? If I had to risk our friendship just because of some crush that I might have, I’d rather not tell him. I’d rather stay friends with him the rest of my life than risking losing him. At least when I don’t even know how long I’ll be around…” She was almost in tears by then, and AJ regretted the fact that he had even brought up the subject concerning her feelings for Nick.

“I wish I knew what to say to you Ali, but I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling right now… I really wish that there was something I could do to help,”

“You’re a great friend to me AJ, and that helps more than you know.”

“And I want it to stay that way. You know you can call me anytime, right, day or night?”

Ali nodded. “I know. Thanks. I should go inside and talk to Nick now.”

“Alright.”

She reached over to give AJ a hug and a small peck on the cheek. “Thanks for sticking up for me. You’re a great friend AJ.”

“Anytime.” He smiled at her as she got out of the car and closed the door behind her.

“Hey!” AJ shouted through the open window. Ali turned around.

“Don’t let him get to you, ok? There is no reason for him not to be there for you, and whatever he says, don’t give in to him. You have a right to be disappointed in his behaviour.”

Ali nodded and smiled. “Yea… thanks AJ.”

He smiled back and she turned around and walked towards the front door.

As soon as she walked into the house, she could feel Nick’s presence. She didn’t know if it was the distant sound from the TV, the radio that was turned on in the kitchen, or the fact that the lights were turned on in every room. She had barely closed the door, when she heard footsteps coming from the kitchen, along with Nick’s voice.

“Where have you been?” His voice sounded almost angry, but Ali knew it was his way of hiding the fact that he was concerned.

“Hello to you too.” She looked up at him and tried to force a smile. “I’ve been to the clinic. I had the second chemo treatment today. I thought you would remember.”

Nick’s expression went from being angry to being almost embarrassed. “That was today? But I thought that wasn’t until Thursday.”

“Today is Thursday.” Ali was trying her hardest to keep her voice calm. She wanted to scream at him for forgetting, and for abandoning her for the past few days, but she knew Nick, and she knew screaming at him wasn’t gonna solve anything.

“Why didn’t you remind me?”

“I’ve tried calling you for the past few days Nick, but your phone has been switched off.”

“You could have written a note telling me where you were. I was almost about to call the police.”

“Nick… you’re overreacting, and are you telling me to write notes telling you where I am, when you’re the one that hasn’t showed your face once for the past few days? I haven’t had a clue where you’ve been and what you’ve been up to.” She didn’t mean to sound angry, but she couldn’t help it. He could be so provoking at times.

“How did you get to the clinic in the first place?” He was raising his voice little by little now, and Ali knew this was him not trying to hide the fact that he was getting a little angry.

“AJ drove me there.” She answered matter-of-factly.

“AJ drove you there? So, he’s your new friend now?”

“Nick!!! Don’t be like this. What was I supposed to do? You said you would drive me there, and you weren’t here. This treatment plan could mean life or death to me Nick. I don’t know what that means to you, but I know I needed to be there. AJ has been a great friend to me, but he’s not my new best friend. There’s no such thing.” She couldn’t believe they were even having the discussion on who was a better friend. It was like they were 7 years old again, fighting over whose ninja-turtle was the better one. She walked past him and started walking up the stairs towards her room. She didn’t want the conversation to continue, because she knew where it would end. She would end up being more hurt than she was going in to the discussion, and Nick would get even more irritated and angry.

“Ali… I’m sorry…” He turned to face her, but didn’t move from where he was standing. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just---“

“I don’t wanna hear it Nick. I know you’re probably feeling scared and helpless and all that, but how do you think I feel? I meant what I said before. I need you to walk with me on the same side of the street. I need you to stick by me, and if you can’t do that, than don’t bother doing anything.” She had to force herself from not yelling at him;

‘I need you to let me figure out what I feel for you. I need you to tuck me in at night, to lie next to me and wake me from my nightmares. I just need you…’

… But she didn’t. She didn’t even turn around as she continued walking up the stairs and disappeared into her room, wondering where Nick would spend the night. 

Chapter 12

Ali didn’t hear Nick come home that night. She was drifting in and out of sleep for hours, and every time she heard a sound she stirred, sitting up in bed and expecting to hear the front door open and shut again. It was almost three in the morning when she picked up her cell phone and dialled a familiar number. She let it ring until she heard her own voice on the other end of the line.

“Hey! You’ve reached Nick’s phone. He’s too busy watching porn too---“

“Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!” It was Nick’s voice interrupting her. There were a few seconds of giggling, and then Nick’s voice started talking. “I’m not watching porn… but I AM busy, so please leave a message.”

Ali sighed and started talking, hoping that Nick would get her message eventually.

“Hey… it’s me. Nick… I just… what happened? Where are you? I’m sitting here on my bed, it’s three in the morning, and I miss my best friend.” She struggled to keep her voice steady as she continued to speak. “Did I do something? Cause if I did, I’d like to apologize… I know that things are hard right now, but I need you so much… I can’t do this without you Nick. Just come home, ok?” As she was talking, a wave of nausea suddenly hit her, and she knew she was going to be sick again. “I gotta go… Love you. Bye.”

Tears were welling up in her eyes as she threw her cell phone down on the bed and rushed to the bathroom. She bent over the toilet just in time, as the remaining from the one slice of pizza she had eaten earlier came back up.

~*~

“…I gotta go… Love you. Bye.”

Nick felt terrible as he sat in his car listening to Ali’s voice message. He had been driving around for hours, not knowing what to do. He wanted so badly to drive back home, lie down next to Ali and promise her that everything would be ok. It was what he was good at, but the fact was, he couldn’t lie to her. He couldn’t promise her that everything would be ok when he didn’t even believe that himself. He knew very well that he was being a coward for leaving her by herself at a time when she needed him the most, but he didn’t know what to say to her.

“You don’t need to say anything… just be there…” --- Familiar words ran through his mind. He knew it was true, but not saying anything seemed to be the hardest thing to do at that moment. He listened to her voice message again. She sounded so desperate and sad, and his heart went out to her as he finally turned his car around to drive back home.

Quietly entering the house, he stopped in the hall, listening for any sounds coming from the first floor. It all seemed very quiet, as he kicked off his shoes and walked up the stairs to the second floor. There were still no sounds coming from anywhere around him. Walking past the door to Ali’s room, he expected her to be sound asleep in her bed.

The bed was empty.

Nick felt his heart skip a beat, as he walked into her room. Stopping in the middle of the floor, he looked around not knowing what to look for. Just as he was about to exit her room, he heard a weak sound coming from the bathroom across the hall.

“Ali?” He almost shouted as he quickly made his way into the bathroom.

There she was.

Sitting on the floor next to the toilet, her eyes closed and her head rested against the wall. She looked exhausted.

“God… Ali…” Nick sat down on his knees next to her. Feeling completely helpless, he put his arms around her, stroking her hair gently.

“Nick?” Ali whispered weakly, not even sure if any sound had escaped her lips at all.

“I’m right here sweetie… God… I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry.” He started rocking her back and forth, and without being able to prevent it, tears started running down his cheek.

“You’re here.” Ali continued to whisper.

“Shhhhh….”

“I’m so tired…”

“I know, I know…”

Neither of them knew how long they had been sitting there, when Nick finally got up and carried Ali back to her bedroom. Gently lying her down on the bed, he positioned himself next to her, and put his arms protectively around her.

“You came back…” Ali whispered, closing her eyes.

“I should’ve never left in the first place.”

“I felt so alone…”

“I know honey… I know. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”

He tightened the grip around her waist to show her that he was serious. It felt so right lying next to her again, and even though he knew things would be really heard, he was determined to fight with her.

“I’m so scared Nick…”

“I know… I’m scared too… I’ve been so afraid of not doing or saying the right things, so I ran away from it. But someone made me realize that I don’t have to say anything, as long as I’m here. And I’m here now, and I’m so sorry for letting you down.”

“It does help just having you here.”

“You know when we had that small fight in the hospital the first time? And you told me walk with you on the same side of the street?”

“Yea…”

“I wrote a song about it…”

“You wrote a song?

“Kinda, yea… I mean, it’s not done yet, but yea, I guess I wrote a song.”

“Can I hear it?”

Nick hesitated. He was supposed to save it for later, when she really needed it. But then again, now was a time when she really did need it. Shifting, to lie on his back, he cleared his voice and started singing softly.

I can see that you are tired

But I cannot walk all the steps for you

You have to walk yourself

But I’ll walk with you

I’ll walk with you.

I can see that you’re in pain

But I cannot cry all the tears for you

You have to shed them yourself

But I’ll cry with you

I’ll cry with you

Pausing for a few seconds, Nick took a deep breath. He knew that the next part would be hard to sing, because he knew it would make the truth a little more real.

I can see that you are scared

But I cannot face death for you

You have to face it yourself

But I’ll make death worth living

I’ll make death worth living….

He let his voice trail off, waiting for Ali to say something.

Seconds passed, and not a sound escaped her lips. He started getting a little worried, but just as he was about to speak, she shifted next to him and turned around. Resting her head against his chest, she closed her eyes.

“Thank you…”

And within seconds, she was fast asleep.