The Struggle From Within by nickslilmami, KevinsChickadee

Torn between two. That’s an easy way to put it, isn’t it? I’m in love head over heels in love with one person, yet I have another on the side. What to do, what to do...

Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys Characters: Nick, Other
Genres: None
Warnings: Graphic Sexual Content, Slash M/M
Series: The Nick and Maddie Series
Chapters: 4 Completed: Yes Word count: 3437 Read: 6056 Published: 12/06/08 Updated: 05/03/09

1. Chapter 1 by nickslilmami

2. Chapter 2 by nickslilmami

3. Chapter 3 by nickslilmami

4. Chapter 4 by nickslilmami

Chapter 1 by nickslilmami
Torn between two. That’s an easy way to put it, isn’t it? I’m in love head over heels in love with one person, yet I have another on the side. What to do, what to do...

My name is Nick, and I am one confused motherfucker. Deanna, the one person that I love more than anything, is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She’s been there for me through my good times, as well as my sad times. There was nothing in this world that she wouldn’t do.

But, besides Deanna there’s another person in my life and this person...

Is a man.

His name is Madison Michaels, and man...he’s just so...perfect. Madison has treated me with the kindest respect, and I thank him for it. See what I mean when I said that I have two loving people?

Well, anyway, I don’t wanna bore you with the prologue of this story, so I’m just gonna get right to it. Does that sound good? Ok. Perfect. Well, let’s begin, shall we?

It was a hot May, and Nick came downstairs from his bedroom...naked. He was in search of a robe, but to no such luck. As he finally found one in the downstairs linen closet, he put it on, and walked out to the balcony. He placed his hands on the railing, and breathed in the sweet, summery air, with his eyes hidden from the world.

“God, that smells so good...” He whispered. Just then, he felt arms wrap around him.

“There you are I knew I’d find you.” A voice said, followed by a soft, wet feathery kiss upon his neck.

“Mmm...Dee...didn’t take long, huh?”

“Nope...What do you say to another rendezvous on the waterbed, huh?”

Nick turned around, and placed his hands on her face, kissing her softly. “You just don’t know when to be satisfied, do you?”

“Nick, with you I’m always hungry for more.” She untied Nick’s robe, and let it fall to the ground with a soft rustle. Deanna got down on her knees in front of him, and grabbed his pre-hard cock. She looked up at him, and licked her lips. As she took him in, Nick let out a soft moan. He didn’t want to lose balance, so he held onto the railing of the balcony.

“Ohh, yeah...” He moaned through clenched teeth. She cupped his balls in her other hand, while stroking and sucking with the other. “Ohhh....Suck me off, baby...oh, fuck...” Her free hand snaked around his stomach, gliding up and down upon it. She then went faster, and his moans accelerated. With only one hand on the rail, his right hand found its way to her hair, entangling his fingers within her locks. He grinded her face towards his pelvis, making her fuck him harder with her mouth.

“Ohhh, shit...I’m...I’m gonna cum...”

“Come on, Nicky...make it intense...” She stopped sucking him, and commenced to stroking him fast. She knew he was close. She could feel his testes tighten with each stroke she made. Deanna looked up at him, and saw his face looking contorted. His eyes were shut tight. His top teeth biting the hell out of his bottom lip. The breathing becoming very erratic, and his moans accelerated even more. She stroked his now hard cock faster until he couldn’t take anymore.

“Oh, god, I’m cumming...I’m—Ohhh!” At that moment, his pre-cum began to show in little droplets, then he came very hard around her hand. His climax didn’t end there, for he came again, more intense than before. She continued to stroke until he grew soft in her hand. Some of it landed on his stomach, as Deanna spread it around his belly. Nick slumped on a bench, breathing hard, throwing his head back slightly.

“Oh...fuck...” he said in a slight moan.

“Was that good, baby?”

“Dee...that was....My God...”

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’, Nicky.” As she got up off the ground, she kissed his lips softly, and walked back into the living room. “Don’t be late for your meeting, babe.”

Nick picked up his robe, and put it on, walking upstairs. A few minutes later, he came back down, wearing a black t-shirt, and blue jeans. Deanna looked up from her magazine, and said.

“You’re going to a meeting dressed like that?”

“It’s not a big meeting, Dee. I’ll be home by 9. I promise.” Nick walked up to her, and kissed her on her cheek, grabbing his backpack, heading for the door. While driving to the ‘meeting’, he felt his penis ache for the anticipation of his next rendezvous.

Moments later, Nick arrived at an apartment complex on 57th and Fifth. As he got out of his car, he walked up to the door, ringing the doorbell.

As the door opened, someone said, “Why, hello, stranger...” It was Madison Michaels, the other person on the side. Madison only wore a black towel around his waist, leaning against the doorway, smiling at Nick.

“Well, can this stranger come in?” Madison let him in, and closed the door, locking it.

“So...are you ready to have some fun?” said Madison, dropping the towel on the floor, walking towards Nick, wrapping his arms around him.

“Aren’t I always ready, baby?” Madison grabbed his shirt from the bottom, and slipped it off, massaging his chest, and tweaking his nipples to hardness.

Madison leaned in, and whispered in a deep voice, “What’s in the bag, lover?”

“I call them ‘fun utensils.’ Why don’t you get in the bedroom, and I’ll show you.” Madison walked into the room, waiting for Nick on the bed. As he walked in with the bag, and unzipped it, he took out a bottle.

“Now...let the fun begin...” Nick walked to Madison, and gave him the bottle. “If you’d do the honors...”

“With pleasure, lover...” Nick unzipped his pants, and pulled them down along with his boxers. Madison began to stroke himself to further hardness, as he began to moan. Nick crawled on the bed, bending over towards him. Madison grabbed the bottle, and poured some upon his hard shaft, rubbing it thoroughly with his hand. Madison crawled behind Nick, and rubbed the small of his back. He then slid his hard cock inside of him, with each thrust he made it only made Nick moan louder.

“Ohhh...” Nick grabbed the sheets, as he began to slide in and out of him. He held onto his hips, pounding him hard. “Oh, fuck!” Nick shouted, as his thrusts sped up. Nick grabbed his hardness, stroking it hard. “Oh, God...Fuck me...fuck me...”

“Oh...Nicky...” He clasped his hips tighter, as he kept thrusting him faster. As the thrusting became faster, so did Nick’s strokes.

“Mad—Oh, God, I’m gonna fuckin’ cum...” He felt Madison’s erection tighten inside him. He felt that he was close as well. “Oh, God..Maddie...Cum inside me...Oh, God, cum...” Nick couldn’t hold it in any longer, for he began to cum in very long and strong spurts.

“That’s it...That’s...OH!!” Maddie pulled out of him, turned him over, and came all over Nick’s belly and chest.

”Oh Maddie...” Madison collapsed on top of Nick, holding him close.



“I...I love you...”

“Nicky...I love you too...”

Now, if you think THAT’S erotically romantic, wait until you see what happens throughout the story. But for right now, I’m goin’ to bed. See you later? Of course I will.
Chapter 2 by nickslilmami
Well, well, well...You’ve actually came back to hear more of this story. Well, I won’t leave you hangin’, so I’m just gonna go ahead and begin. Does that sound fair? Of course it does. Now sit back, and enjoy the rest of the story.


Deanna came downstairs, and saw Nick watching “The Jerry Springer Show”. Deanna stood in front of the TV in order to get his attention. Nick looked up at her.

“May I help you, hun?”

“Nick, we need to talk.” She sat down next to him, turning off the TV.

“What about?” Deanna took his hand, and looked into his eyes.

“’ve been very distant these past few weeks, and I was something bothering you?”

“Baby there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m fine. Why would you think that?”

“No reason you were just...not your usual self.”

“Baby...” Nick held her hand, and kissed it.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, ok?”

“Alright then...” Deanna got up, and walked into the kitchen. Nick turned around, to see if she was completely out of sight. He then grabbed his cell phone, and called Madison.

“Hey, Maddie...”
“Hey, stud muffin...what’s up?”
“My dick...What about you?”
“Same thing...I’ve been thinkin’ about ya... When are you comin’ over?”
“I’ll be there by 7 tonight...Don’t start without me...”
“How can I not, Nicky? See you then.”

Nick hung up the phone, just as Deanna walked back into the room with a bag of chocolate chips.

“I don’t know why I’m craving chocolate all of a sudden eh, no matter. Who was that on the phone?”

“Hmm? Oh, wrong number.”

“I didn’t hear the phone ring, Nick.”

“You know how it is...Silent ringer.”

“I see...” Deanna sat down on a chair, and ate her chocolate chips, watching TV.

Several hours passed, and Nick was in the shower, getting ready to ‘meet the guys’. As he came out of the shower in search of a towel, he opened his eyes, and saw Deanna stand before nudity.


“Wanna fuck, Nick? I’ve been feelin’ antsy all damn day...” she said in a very seductive voice, circling his stomach with her finger.

“Dee...I’m not...” Deanna walked in the shower, and turned it back on, still looking back at him. Nick got out of the shower again, and walked past Dee.

“Nick, the fuck?”

“I’m just not in the mood right now, ok? I’m gonna be late.” As Nick walked off, Deanna just stood there in shock.

“Bastard...What the hell is he up to?”
Chapter 3 by nickslilmami
Heh...wouldn’t she like to know? Well, I haven’t been caught just yet. Things were just beginning to heat up. The fire that I had with Deanna began to just flicker, and dull out, but with Madison, it was spreading like wildfire. Every time I thought of him, my dick would stiffen in an instant. It’s like he has this power over me. I don’t think that this bi-sexual business would last long.

Before I left to meet Madison, I went downstairs, and saw Deanna sitting on the couch, with her arms crossed, looking pissed as hell. Don’t get me wrong. I wanted to fuck her brains out, but I wasn’t feelin’ it, you know what I’m sayin’? Well, anyway, I’m gonna let her tell the rest of the story.



“Don’t talk to me.” she hissed.

“Deanna, I know that you’re not pissed because I wouldn't fuck you. Is that what’s wrong?”

Deanna stood up, and got in his face. “No, it’s because we hardly spend any time together as a couple!”

“Deanna, all we ever do is have sex, alright? It’s getting a little old now.”

Deanna stepped back a little, letting what Nick said sink in. “Wait just a fuckin’ minute. Are you saying that you want out of this relationship? Is THAT what you’re telling me?!”

“No, it’s not! You know it’s not! I love you, Deanna...”

Though that was a lie in itself.

“I gotta go.”

“Nick, this argument isn’t fuckin’ over!”

“ is. Ok? I’m goin’ over to Howie’s house, and play pool.”

“I thought you were going to Kevin and Brian’s house?”

“Same difference, ok? Now, I gotta go.” Nick grabbed his jean jacket, and walked out the house, slamming the door.

Moments later, Nick arrived at Madison’s apartment. Nick got out, walked to the door, and rang the doorbell. The door opens, and Madison stands there with a glass of champagne, wearing nothing but silk boxers.


“Come in...” Madison grabbed Nick’s hand, and led him in his apartment.

“I love what you did to the place...”

“Nicky the best is yet to come.” Madison puts his glass down, and led him into the bedroom.

Deanna paced around the living room. She then stopped, for she had an idea. Deanna sat down, picked up the phone, and called Howie.

“Um...Howie. Hey. Is Nick there?”
“Uh, no. We’re not expecting Nick here...why? Is there something the matter?”
“No...not at all. Thanks, though.” Deanna hung up the phone, and dialed Kevin’s number.

“Ha ha! I beat ye’ again, Rok. Hello?”
“Hey, Kev. Is Nick there by any chance?”
“Nope. Haven’t heard from him in a while. Is he in trouble?”
“You bet he is. I mean, no.”
“Alright. Well, if you need anything, you know who to call.”
“I’ll do just that, Kevin. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As Deanna hung up the phone, she grabbed her coat and her car keys, and left.

“Madison...” Nick walked into the room, stunned at what he saw. Before him, the whole bedroom was illuminated with candlelight. “It’s beautiful, baby...”

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, lover...” Madison walked to Nick, and passionately kissed him, pulling his jacket off. Nick wrapped his arms around his neck, as Madison started to unbuckle Nick’s pants. Nick broke the heated kiss, and took the rest of his clothing off. Madison took his boxers off, and let them fall to the floor. Now they are both bathed in nakedness, as Madison pushed Nick on the bed.

“This just gets easier, doesn’t it, Maddie?” Nick’s hand traveled down south, and grabbed his hard cock, stroking it slow. Madison stood there, and watched him, as he did the same.

“Nicky...I wanna feel you...I wanna be inside you...”

“Why waste time? Let’s fuck.” Madison walked to him, and got on top. Within moments, he embeds his hardness inside of him, going fast.

“Oh!” Nick exclaimed. He placed his hands on both of his shoulders, digging his fingers within them. “Maddie...oh god, fuck me...fuck me hard...”
Chapter 4 by nickslilmami
Deanna drove 2 hours to Nick’s old apartment that he had since gave to Madison a year ago.

“I don’t know what the hell you’re up to, Carter...” She thought. “But I’m gonna catch way or another...” She then put the pedal to the metal, when she sped up, approaching ever closer to the apartment.

“Oh...god...Ma...Maddie...” Nick’s strokes became faster, as Madison drove his cock inside him deeper. “Oh, shit...I’m gonna cum...” Before he even said it, he came hard around his hand, some landing on his belly.

“Nick...Nicky...oh, shit...” Madison pulled out of him, and came in his mouth, some of his warm stickiness landed on his face.

“Mmm...” Nick moaned, taking in everything he could dish out. “My God, you’re incredible, Maddie...”

“Not as incredible as you, Nick...” Madison leaned in, and kissed his lips softly.

“I love you, Madison Michaels.”

“And I love you, Nick Carter.”

Nick and Madison then got under the covers, and snuggled as if one in their warm bed.


Deanna finally arrived at the apartment. She then got out of the car, and walked to the door, banging on it hard.

“I know you’re in there, Nickolas...” she thought to herself. “I’m gonna catch you, and your bitch...”

Nick and Madison’s eyes sprung open when they heard the door. “Who could that be?” Nick got up, and put his robe on, walking to the door, tying it up. As he opened it, he received the shock of his life.


“The hell are you doing here, Nick? I was worried fuckin’ sick about you!”

“Dee, I just needed to think about some stuff, that’s all.”

“Thinking about what? Fuckin’ your next whore? Is that what you needed to think about?!”

“Nick, what’s goin’ on out there?”

Now it was Deanna’s turn to be absolutely shocked. She saw Madison stand next to Nick, staring down at her. Deanna was disgusted at what she saw.

“Nick say that this isn’t so...please say that you’re not...”

“Now you know.”

Deanna stood there stone cold, as she saw her boyfriend, her one true love, stand next to another person. Another man.


One Week Later

“You saw what?” Kevin said, shocked at what Deanna had told him.

“You heard what I said...I saw Nick...and another man...doing things that I do NOT wanna know.”

“So, what you’re tryin’ to tell me is...Nick’s gay?”


“ god. Why couldn’t he just tell you that?”

“I don’t know...because he’s an asshole?” Deanna just couldn’t believe it. How could Nick do this to her? Why wasn’t he truthful up front?

Since then, Nick and Deanna broke up. She never knew that he would do that to her. She thought he loved her, but she thought wrong. Upon that week, Deanna went to the doctor for an AIDS test. She didn’t want to take any precautions on getting sick, thanks to the one person that she gave her heart to.


Two years later, Deanna sat in her room, typing up a letter to Nick. She wanted Brian to deliver it to him, since she said thoroughly that she never wanted to see him again, and that she’ll move on without him.

“Nick? It’s Brian. Open up.” Nick walked to the door, and was met with a cream envelope. As he took it out of his hand, he stated: “What’s this?” “Something that you should really think about.” After he said that, Brian walked off of the stoop, got in his car, and drove off. Nick walked outside, and sat on the stoop steps, opening the envelope. He then read its contents:

Dear Nick,

I hate you. I thought that you were the one man that I thought was good. But I guess I was wrong. I never thought that you would cheat on me behind my back, let alone with a man. You should have told me that you were gay, even if it was hard for you to explain. You let me down, and you shattered my heart in thousands of shards.

I recently took an AIDS test, to see if I was infected. It turns out that I’m not, thank God. If I was, I would have had you arrested for murdering me, cutting my life short.

I also found out one thing, that you’re a father. That’s right, a father. Charina will never know about you...hear about you...or even look at you. I wanted us to work, and most of all, I wanted us to be a family, but I guess you never even gave it some thought, huh, you lying sack of shit.

So this is all that I have to say to you. I never want to see you again, and I never want to hear from you again. As of now, you no longer exist, and you are invisible to me, and my daughter. Stay away from me, and keep away from us.

Yours Truly,
Deanna Littrell.

Nick couldn’t believe it. Deanna moved on in a midst of a year: giving birth to a daughter, and marrying his best friend, Brian. He looked at the note some more, and looked up at the sky.

Just then, Madison walked out, and stood behind Nick. “What’s that, Nicky?” Nick balled up the note, and threw it out onto the sidewalk. He then turned to Madison, smiling.

“It’s nothing, baby. Go on back inside.” Nick stood up, and kissed Madison, before following him into the house.

Well, that’s the story of my shitty life to this point. As of now, I’m still with Maddie, and I never gotten the chance to see my daughter, Charina. But, no matter. Madison is all I need to get by...I’ll be ok.

But surely, if I feel ok why do I feel like absolute shit?

Because I don’t deserve Madison, and I sure as hell don’t deserve life.
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