Beautiful Girl



Author's note: Hey guys, just wanted to say this is a story about a fan gone horribly wrong. I hope you like it, it's kind of dark.

I stood in line for over two hours today just to get a glimpse of him. He is SO gorgeous with his crystal blue eyes and slightly crooked smile. I drove three hours to get there, taking off work to do so, but I had to. I couldn't resist the chance to see him, smell him, touch him.

People at work think I'm nuts. "You're in love with a child" They would kid me. He isn't a child, he's soon to be a man I would gladly say, his huge face from Sixteen magazine looming in the background. "You're lucky that the boss is never down here to see that or for sure he would make you take that down" They would say as they passed me. They didn't understand, maybe they still don't.

I don't care though, there are lot's of fans like me out there. Devoted, loving, caring fans who would do anything for their favorite star. Our favorite star. To me he's so much more though. To me...he is a God. I look at him with the utmost admiration, if there was a church devoted to him I would gladly sign up. Gladly.

So, I head out to see him, making a three hour trek to an unknown place. I hardly ever leave my hometown, let alone my city, but for Nick Carter, I would do anything. So I pack my bag and make my way to see him, only stopping to go to the bathroom. There will be no eating for me on this trip because I would be too afraid that I just might puke on his shoes.

Knowing that there was a possibility that I could breath in the same oxygen as him again...my heart flutters in my chest at just the mere thought. When I stop to go to the bathroom, I pick up the latest issue of teen People, I pretend I am picking it up for my daughter but the way I anxiously flip through the pages gives me away. There they are on pages 12-16. A super huge layout devoted to all of five of them, although I am only interested in one.

I am ashamed to admit it, but I don't even really know anything about the others. It's always been Nick and his group. How I even came to know who he was is fate. That's what I always say.

Fate.

I was in a random crowd or so I thought, because I had nowhere else to be just then. My husband of ten years had just left me for his much younger secretary and all I wanted to do was stay away from my house. The place where he was packing up the rest of his things. So I ventured to the city for the day. What better place to be then New York City. There you can walk past a crowd of people knowing full well that maybe at least one of the people you encounter on the street was going through exactly what you were. I found that thought oddly calming so off I went to roam around and become just another face in the crowd.

And there WAS a crowd, a huge crowd gathered in the middle of Times Square that day. A bunch of yelling screaming kids. I had to hold my ears as I continued to walk through the crowd. Police keeping them at bay. They were carrying signs and screaming while looking up at the sky. By instinct, I looked up too thinking maybe we were awaiting the apocalypse or something. That maybe the heavens were going to open up and swallow us whole. I had no idea that we were underneath a window of some MTV show. Nor did I care.

I managed to walk towards a bunch of teenagers who were crying hysterically. I ran over to them hoping that maybe I would be able to help. Afraid that one of them was hurt and possibly dying, not realizing they were cries of joy and not pain. They informed me through hyperventilating sobs that the Backstreet Boys were up at TRL and would be down at any minute to wave and blow kisses.

I had heard of them, knew their songs but not enough to sing more than a few words. My niece was in love with them. That much I knew, I thought it would be nice for me to say I was there among a crowd of people who loved them as much as she claimed to, so I stayed.

Fate.

That day my life was changed, as they walked right by the barricade were I was standing. I'm not sure why, but I extended my hand out hoping to touch one of them so I could go home and tell my niece how soft they were to the touch. I closed me eyes just for a second when I felt a hand in mine. Quickly I opened my eyes to find him staring at me and smiling. I blushed, he was clearly the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. The others had walked ahead so I missed them.

"Do you want me to sign something?" He asked me making me feel even more stupid, "No that's okay I just wanted to come out and see you. I have had a hard day"

Why I felt the need to share that with him, to this day I will never know. He pouted at me, "Aw I'm sorry to hear that" He said. It appeared that the screaming girls around me were all jealous of all the attention he was showering me with as his security tried to push him along. "My husband left me" I yelled to him, he was still holding my hand.

"Aww I'm sorry but you can do better you are a beautiful girl" and then he was gone.

He called me a beautiful girl and everyone heard it. The shrieking crying fans around me all had different reactions. Some were nasty, some were happy for me telling me they were SO jealous and I was SO lucky. Others didn't even hear over their own labored cries.

I walked away with my head held high and with new found hope. I was a beautiful girl, how do I know that? Because Nick Carter told me so.

That's when I started to try to find out as much as I could about the man who called me beautiful...well technically he was still a boy. That much I had found out that very day. He was 19 years old. Just a kid. I was almost twenty years older then him. Is that wrong? At first I thought so. Embarrassed to even mention them in anyone's presence. I went home and found myself buying Backstreet Boys video tapes and reading Backstreet boys memoirs and magazines. Anything I could find. I was becoming obsessed. When I would watch a video, I fast forwarded through the others talking and focused only on him.

I changed my master bedroom into a room that looked like a teenagers palace. Plastered pictures of him on the wall and the ceiling. I no longer slept in there, too many bad memories, but with his pictures up there I felt like my ex husband had his lover and I had mine. At least that's what I had started to tell people. I was dating a much younger man named Nick. I knew my friends would never know who I was talking about, not realizing that even though they didn't, their kids would.

My friends started to avoid me, telling me that I needed therapy. I think they were just jealous. I mean a world famous pop star didn't call THEM beautiful. He called me beautiful.

I found myself living, breathing and most of all thinking about Nick. What was he up to now? Was he thinking about me like I was about him? I found myself sitting up in my master bedroom and talking to him; we would have very long discussions about everything. He would listen and hug me when I needed him to. Nick understood me, no one else did.

I lost my job when I failed to show up for work on a day that I had stayed home at the last minute because the boys were going to be on a talk show. Even if it was only for a few minutes, I had to watch. They didn't understand. I guess I should have lied.

I found myself traveling more and more into New York City walking around Times Square in hopes that maybe they would be there for something. I would stand for hours outside the hotel that I knew they always stayed in hoping for another glimpse of my love. I wanted him to know that I had gotten over my husband and now had all the time in the world for him. If he would have me.

_

I never wanted it to be this way. I never thought I would ever fall in love with someone as young as my Nicky. The way he treats his fans and his brothers just makes me love him even more. Then I would hear the stories about his temper and the fights he would have with his family. There was no way my Nick could act like that. My Nick was perfect. Just to reassure myself of that fact, I had him send my Mom flowers on her 75th birthday. She called him a nice boy and couldn't wait to meet him.

I couldn't wait to bring him to her, "maybe one day Mom" I told her over coffee. She gushed about how happy she was that I had finally found someone after living with such a piece of garbage all these years. I nodded in agreement, picturing my Nick waiting for me when I got home.

That night I remember watching the video of their concert on the Disney channel over and over again. The ways his eyes gleamed when he spoke of his brothers and how fond he was of his family and how important education was to him. I laughed along side them as we all went bowling together. We had such a great time that day.

I disconnected my phone that night so no one would disturb us. Not that I got any calls anymore, seemed like all my friends had abandoned me. All but him, my best friend, my constant companion.

The last thing I would say before I went to sleep would be "Tell me I'm beautiful" I would close my eyes and once again I'd be back in that moment. Falling asleep to the sound of Nick's voice, sexy and sweet telling me I was beautiful and that he loved me.

___

I waited outside for him in the pouring rain surrounded by girls half my age screaming and crying. That's one thing I never did was cry. I guess because I knew that I had him. He was mine. These poor girls were deluding themselves into thinking that they had a chance. Poor dears.

I never brought anything with me for him to sign, why bother? I didn't want his autograph I wanted him. It worked once already why not again? I found myself getting anxious then, feeling the goosebumps form on my wet skin. Imagining the feel of his lips on mine when we kissed for the first time.

I overheard some of the girls talking about his girlfriend and I instantly got defensive. How can they talk about me this way? They hardly even know me. I find myself walking away from them now and closer to where he will be. The other girls briefly cry out someone's name. I believe it might have been AJ but I don't bother to look. I'm not there for AJ. AJ didn't tell me I was beautiful.

Finally the crowd gets louder and louder which means they are soon to come out. I make my way back over to the place where they will be. Anxiety sets in when I am continually pushed back away from my destination.

That's when they come out of the building. I scream Nick's name but it's so loud around me that he doesn't even look my way. I try again; this time jumping up and down but still no luck. All I can do is watch as he gets in the car and drives away. Leaving me surrounded by a bunch of crying screaming teenage girls.

Alone

I stood there in that same spot long after they had gone, long after the crowd had departed. Hoping that maybe he would remember he had forgotten someone and be back. He would be back for me. I was his girl. His beautiful girl.

He never came back, I know because I stayed long into the night. I fell asleep on the sidewalk outside and was abruptly awoken by a police officer who thought I had nowhere else to go.

I told him I was waiting for my boyfriend, he had forgotten to pick me up but he would be back. The man shook his head and told me I needed to get off the street or he'd have to take me somewhere.

__

When I got back from that trip I felt betrayed, how dare he blow me off like that. To make myself feel better I had Nick send me two dozen roses. He wrote To my beautiful girl on the card, I temporarily forgave him.

Okay so I stood in line forever to see him but he didn't see me. That was fair I managed to convince myself. Maybe next time.

__

Two weeks later was the next time I tried to see him. Once again I took off work. This time the boss told me not to bother coming back. I didn't need the job anyway, Nick made more than enough money to support me. I would tell him my plans for me moving in with him.

I thought about maybe just calling a Realtor and having them put my house up for sale, but I wasn't crazy. I knew I had a certain blonde to convince.

I almost crashed three times on that trip, allowing myself to daydream instead of focus on the road. Imagining how all of my friends would regret blowing me off and beg me to let them into our extravagant wedding. Constantly begging me for money as I laughed and told then they shouldn't have abandoned me when I needed them most.

They always abandon me. Except for my Nick.

This time the crowd is even larger than before. It seemed like most of hem were holding signs proclaiming their love for my boyfriend. I just shake me head as I advance towards the front of the line, I ignore the looks I receive from the kids as I just about barrel over them to get into his sight line. I missed him before but not again.

This time when they come out of the door I will be ready for them. I'm hoping we'll have time to talk, just he and I, but since I realize it's doubtful I had spent the whole previous night writing him a letter. I wanted him to know exactly how much I loved him and that perhaps me moving in with him would be the best way to pursue our relationship.

The crowd grows louder as the doors open. All the boys come put swiftly and wave to the fans as they pass. My nick is the last one to exit the building, I feel the excited tingle all over my body as he smiles at everyone. His eyes landing on me. I smile back and try to duck under the barricade but his bodyguard stops me. I yell out, "Nick! Tell him who I am!" But he doesn't hear me because once again the crowd is much to loud. "Nick!! Tell him it's me, your beautiful girl!!" I scream, right into his bodyguards ear.

"Sure you are lady...sure you are" The guard says to me in a sarcastic voice, "Let me go!" I demand, and he does on cue. "I will make sure he fires you" I yell to him, but he already has moved on.

The crowd shifts as he makes his way down the line of fans. He and the rest of the boys, waving and smiling for pictures. Flashes going off in such a flurry it looks like the Fourth of July.

Then once again he is gone.

This time I didn't wait around for him, I left to go home to my empty house. Why would he do this to me over and over again? Didn't he tell me he loved me? No maybe not but he did tell me I was his beautiful girl.

I sat in the dark in my master bedroom crying as I yelled at his pictures on my wall. I didn't intend for it to be so dark, but because I had lost my job, they had turned my electricity off. The phone would be next but that was okay since I had LONG since disconnected it from my wall.

I thought he understood me, I thought he cared. Maybe I was wrong. Nobody cares why should he? I found myself saying over and over again as I sat in the room clutching the teddy bear I had bought him.

__

So that brings me to today, I stood in line for over two hours just to get a glimpse of him. I am hoping that I will be able to get close enough to him to let him know I don't blame him. I understand why he doesn't like me. No one does.

Fate.

I once again, for the last time make my way toward the front of the line, this time it's not so busy, this time only a few kids are outside waiting for them. This was a surprise appearance, no one knew. They all will soon though.

I look around at the young girls as they anxiously wait to meet their idols. They look at me like I am lost. I don't care anymore.

I close my eyes and once again hope to remember that one moment the two of us had so long ago. Just my Nick and I, but like everything else in my life, the moment has faded, leaving nothing but an empty void in it's wake.

It's time for me to make a new memory I think to myself as once again the small crowd starts to scream. That's when I see them make their way out of the hotel one by one. Once again my Nicky is the last one to exit. I close my eyes as he starts to walk past me, I breath him in, he smells so good, so pure, so angelic. I wait for him to grab my hand but he doesn't. I feel him pass me by. I can tell by the small breeze that passes.

I scream to him, "Nick!!!" Nothing else comes to mind. He never even bothers to turn around. I smile, as I think about our future together, how wonderful and exciting it will be, I think about how we will live the rest of our lives as one, in eternity as I pull out the gun, aim and fire.

__

I sit and stare nowadays. That's about all there is to do in here. The windows are high with gates covering them. I sometimes stand on my tippy toes to try to look up into the sky. I miss the feel of the wind on my face.

I miss a lot of things.

Nick still talks to me late at night, I can't talk back to him of course, I don't think my room mate would appreciate it, but we still laugh and talk till all hours of the night. He has told me over and over again that he forgives me for killing those kids. I didn't mean to do it mind you, I only wanted the two of us to live together happily up in heaven. They just got in the way.

He tells me he wishes he was allowed to send me roses here in this place but they would never allow it. I tell him that's okay because it would just make all of the other patients jealous.

They wouldn't allow me to bring any of my posters to this place, I begged and pleaded since supposedly I would be here for the rest of my life, but still they said no. I asked them if they would let me Nick at least come and visit me but they only looked at one another and shook their heads.

One day my prince will come! I keep singing to myself. I like to sing these days, it makes me feel even more connected to him. I know we will see each other again someday. Until that time I can at least delight in the fact that I know I am a beautiful girl. Nick Carter told me so.


The End



Email: marrbop@aol.com

Crisp As Paper

It’s hard to explain really, but I will try to do my best. There was a time that I used to enjoy life. I used to drink it in as if it was chocolate milk. I laughed more than I cried back then. Not that it was all that long ago mind you; I’m only 22, but still…to me, it seems like decades of time have gone by; since I have been truly happy and at ease.

I remember enjoying going outside for long walks with my girlfriend, as we walked our many dogs up and down the corridors of hotels or at a pit stop while the bus driver ran to the bathroom. Sometimes even in a park if we were feeling very brave. Not that going out in public made you brave. Although nowadays I think it might.

Things were so much easier back then, the roar of the crowd as we entered and left a building, the adrenaline rush as we felt the heat of all the swooning girls crying out our names. This was my life. I was happy in it.

Funny how one person can change all that.

The one thing that I kept telling myself, after the funerals and press conferences was I shouldn’t have ignored the paper. She had written me so many times and I always blew them off, every single one of them. Just another letter from another random fan.

The letter they found on her that day was different though, then all the others. At first no one had any plans at all to show it to me but I insisted. I needed to see why a person would flip and shoot at people. Why would someone kill someone else?

I should have never opened it up. The paper was new and crisp and gave me a paper cut as I flipped from page to page.

My darling Nicky,

I paused when I read that thinking it reminded me of a song. Someone forever ago had sung.

I have tried so hard for the two of us to be together. Wanting nothing more than to touch you, feel you, smell you. You are the reason I get up in the morning and start my day. You are the only reason I am still here at all. Don’t you see my love? We are destined to be together forever.

How could I be destined to be with someone I never even met? I had wondered the first time I read it. I have read it so many times in the years since this all happened that I had it memorized now. When I closed my eyes I saw the off white paper in front of me, I felt the burn of the cut it made as I turned the page. Placing my finger in my mouth and sucking on the blood while tears ran down my face.

You and I are meant to be together. My Mother can’t wait to meet you and my grandmother was so grateful for the flowers you sent her on her birthday. You truly are a gentleman.

When I first saw that, I was confused for quite sometime. Maybe I did know this person although she didn’t look familiar and I didn’t recognize her name. Why would I send a total stranger flowers? About a month later, I got my answer when the police said she had written those notes herself. Her grandmother really did get flowers with my name on them but not from me. I wonder how many times my name has been attached to things that I had no hand in? Just thinking that sent chills down my spine.

I remember back when I didn’t feel guilty for laughing and smiling; AJ and I had roamed the internet looking for message boards and chat rooms that discussed us. Chalk it up to idol curiosity or inflated egos but that was our mission. We had stumbled upon one where they said I frequented often. AJ and I fell over laughing. We had decided to go on as other people and ask if any of them actual spoke to Nick Carter.

Person after person came forward confessing that they were friends of mine and had spent late night chat after late night chat talking to me about everything under the sun. I remember hysterically laughing with AJ about that one.

Funny how things change.

Now neither of us even owns a computer anymore. In fact I think we all got rid of ours.

I have a plan my darling…I think you and I should move in together. I know you are hesitant just hear me out…

That made me think of Mandy. We had had almost the very same conversation. She had used almost the very same words. I didn’t really want to take that colossal of a step, which made her mad. She broke up with me shortly after those girls were killed. She said it was a little too intense for her to deal with.

I can stay home for you while you are away. I can watch the dogs, feed the cats and mow your lawn for you. I’ll miss you when you’re gone but then I have something to look forward to. You know me…I need something to look forward to.

Kevin had barged into my hotel room one day after all this crap happened. He called it tough love; he told me I need to stop reading this letter over and over again. He told me it wasn’t healthy for me to dwell on some crazy psychopath’s words. He took it from me and ripped it up.

You need to think about it Nicky. We are quite the pair you and I. Don’t you remember the way you held my hand and called me your beautiful girl? You changed my life that day.

Just like she had changed mine.

I paused from my thoughts just then, like my brain was ready for a commercial break. I stood up and walked over to the window. I mostly kept my blinds closed. You could never be too careful about someone getting to you through your blinds. I found myself wanting to open them up, let some sun in and drip the warmth onto my pale face. I just couldn’t do it. My hands grew shaky and my pulse quickened just at the mere thought.

This was my life now.

I can’t really tell you when it started, not immediately after this whole incident happened but about a month later perhaps. I suddenly found myself panicking at the thought of going anywhere alone. I didn’t want to be in public, I didn’t want anyone yelling or screaming around me and I didn’t want anyone to fall in love with me and kill anybody else.

Brian slept in my room with me for about three weeks following the murders. That’s what they were right? Murders. Let’s call them what they are. He listened to me while I babbled about how I was fine. No need to worry. No harm done. Luckily he didn’t believe me.

The first night he stayed up in my room with the television on blaring MTV in the background as I laid down and pretended to sleep. Kevin and Howie taking turns coming in to check on me while AJ stayed with his Mom in another hotel halfway across town. She didn’t want her son to be anywhere near me. Who could blame her?

Two days after that she lightened up a bit. They came back over to our hotel and three days after that she went home. I still pretended like everything was alright. I was fine and dandy.

“You need to talk about it Nick”

“Why? Will it bring those girls back?”

“No…but still…” I sighed and looked down at the floor. The carpet was red, just like the blood I remember seeing that day. On my finger…on the street. Seemed like blood was everywhere; I couldn’t escape it.

“Nicky…would you feel better if we called your Mom?” Howie said sitting next to me on the bed.

“No…she would just worry even more than she was now. Besides I am fine” They had all looked at each other than, it annoyed me. Back then I had misinterpreted their concern as condescending. I was a stupid kid who didn’t understand things.

I still am.

Kevin had decided to stay in my room with Brian and I that night. He sat on the floor in the corner. “Just make believe I’m not here” He had said in that slow southern drawl that usually put me to sleep.

“Why are you just sitting there?”

“Why not?”

“You are kind of creeping me out”

“Sorry, I’ll move if you want”

“No….that’s okay”

“Try to go to sleep Nick, when was the last time you actually fell asleep?” I couldn’t remember.

Whenever I had dared to close my eyes all I saw was the blood. First on my finger then on the girls. Splattered on the floor and on my bodyguard.

Blood everywhere.

“You are safe” He had said to me as I tried to remember how it felt to fall asleep. I didn’t believe him. I still don’t.

Commercial break was over and my mind once again danced towards that letter. The one I had memorized.

I know you didn’t mean to ignore me all those times I tried to talk to you. I understand it’s important for people to think you are single. They would hate me for being nothing more than me.

I sometimes wonder when she sits in her little padded room, if she even knows the names of the people she killed that day. How one of them was not even 10 years old yet. Her Mom I believe had said that her tenth birthday was just a few short days away.

Everyone hates me my love. Have I ever told you that before? It’s sad but true. Everyone hates me. Not you though…

But I did hate her. I couldn’t even tell you what she looked like, even though I had seen her face everywhere; in the papers, in court, on the news. She was everywhere and I hated her, more than I have ever hated anyone before. In fact, before this woman came into my life, my idea of hate was being angry at someone for making fun of us in a magazine of interview. I always said I hated those people. I didn’t know what I was talking about.

Now I do.

You would never hate me would you Nick? Of course not, because I am your beautiful girl.

The word beautiful took a whole knew meaning for me after that night. It suddenly became its antonym. To be beautiful was to be ugly. One of the reasons that Brian decided it was best to stay with me was because of what I had done with a pair of scissors that very first night.

I walked into the bathroom and started chopping my hair with them. Cutting clumps out as if I were a five year old experimenting with them for the first time. He had barged into the bathroom when I failed to answer his calls and actually gasped when he saw the small bundles of my blonde hair on the floor next to me.

He didn’t leave me alone after that.

So I sincerely hope that you consider the offer I have made to you my darling. I will be waiting right outside for your answer. Until then, I hope you enjoy the bear I bought for you. Hug it when you think of me.

I never saw a bear. The police went on a search for it, but they never found one either. I’m kind of glad. Maybe if the bear didn’t exist then none of this did.

“Nick” I jumped at the sound of AJ’s voice.

“What are you doing buddy?” He asked as he cautiously stepped towards me. They are all very slow in their movements when approaching me now.

“Nothing…just thinking”

“Oh…about what?” He didn’t need to ask just like I didn’t need to tell him. He just knew.

“Do you want me to get you anything before I go?”

“Uh...no that’s okay. Thanks AJ”

“You sure maybe you don’t want to go with me?” They always tried, but it never worked. Maybe one day.

“I’ll pass this time” He nodded and slowly extended his arms towards me. This was the hard part. I slowly stepped into him and let him hug me, even though my brain was screaming to stop.

“You have a goodnight Nick”

“Yeah…you too” He winked as he closed the door behind him. I quickly walked over and double bolted it shut. You can never be too careful these days. I made my way over to the television and put on the Cartoon Network. I hardly ever watch anything else these days. When the bad guys die on this channel, they get up and walk away. No blood anywhere.

So until I see you again my love…

I see her every night. She will never go away.

Your Beautiful Girl…Cassandra

I have never met a Cassandra that was sane.

I suddenly feel a chill knowing that AJ had purposely left a window open. They will do anything to get me move. Instead of going to close it, I drape my quilt over my shoulders and hug it tight against me.

Like a cocoon it will keep me safe. It has too…

Sharp As Thumbtacks

Sing me a song…just like you used to

It seems like it happened so long ago; so long. My Mom always liked to tease me and tell me that I had NO sense of time. “I swear Laura Ann…you think you could leave this house at 8am and you will magically appear at your destination at the very same time! Now that’s some imagination you have” I would laugh at her. “Mom you are SO silly” I would say as I reached on my tippie toes to give her a peck on the cheek. I loved my Mom

I miss my Mom.

My Mother also always said I was ahead of my time. I was a smart child, always picked by my teachers to help the slower kids in my class. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I was told I would make a great teacher someday. That’s what I had every intention of becoming, a teacher.

Even as young as I was, I was a helper by nature.

Yes my life has been reduced to past tense. We just had a test about tenses in school two days before it happened. I had studied with my Mother first, then my father; sitting on his lap in the study while he did his paperwork. I knew he didn’t have the time to help me out, but he did anyway. I hear I got a 100 on it. Go me!

My family was a small one, just Mom dad and me. We didn’t even have a pet. They don’t have anything to help them through, nothing to hug in my absence, not even a goldfish. Not that they would hug a goldfish, but I think you get my point.

They were great parents. Tried their hardest to always give me everything I have ever wanted, without spoiling me too much. Ironically, the only reason I was even in the wrong place at the wrong time was because I was being rewarded.

“If you do well on that English test, your Mom and I will take you to go see those boys you always talk about” I couldn’t even tell you how excited that made me. He was talking about the Backstreet Boys, my absolute favorite group in the universe. God how I loved them.

I had found out they were coming to my town because my best friend Sandy told me so. She loved them as much as I did. Maybe even more. At first I couldn’t believe it; I think I may have even cried about it. I ran home from school that day. Literally ran. Yes I know what the word literal means. I told you, I am smart.

I barged into my house almost knocking the screen door down as I did. My Mom immediately gasped thinking something had to have been wrong. I was all out of breath but also crying. Happy tears, not sad ones. Of course because I could barely talk, my Mother only sensed that something was horribly wrong with me. Good thing I stopped her otherwise I’m sure she would have called an ambulance. I stopped her with one word, like Mother’s always do; she understood immediately what it meant.

It’s a Mom thing I think.

“Brian!” She looked at me and smiled.

“Let me get you some water sweetheart and you can tell me all about it” She had walked over to the faucet and poured me a glass while I sat down and tried to gain my composure.

Yes, Brian was my favorite. There were so many reasons. Most of the girls in my class liked Nick best, but for me, there was just something about Brian and his smile that got my heart racing. Tingly sensations I never fully got a chance to realize, happened inside of me.

He just made me happy.

My Mother sat down next to me and placed her hand on my shoulder, “Tell me about Brian”

“He’s coming here!”

“He is?”

“Yes and I want to go!! But it’s on a weekday”

“After school?” She raised her eyebrows at me, never a good sign.

“No...Actually it’s in the middle of the afternoon…but it’s Brian…”

“You’re father will not like that mommalu”

That’s what my Mom called me. Her pet name for me was mommalu. I don’t know where she got it. She said my dad used to call me Pumpkin but she refused to let me be that ordinary.

“He won’t understand Mom. He doesn’t get the whole Backstreet thing” I was convinced I’d die if I didn’t go. That’s kind of funny now isn’t it?

“We shall see mommalu. For now go upstairs and do your homework”

“Not until you sing to me”

Let me explain something about my mother. She had the voice of an angel. Besides my Brian, my Mom had the most beautiful voice in the world. She had always wanted to be a singer, but after she had me her dreams were cut short. She never complained, not even once. It became a daily ritual that my Mom sang to me. I made her sing to me before I did my homework and of course just as I was falling asleep.

If I ever had the opportunity to meet Brian, I would have made my Mom sing for him. I bet his heart would have melted.

When I asked her to sing to me her eyes lit and she started to sing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’. That was her absolute favorite song to sing. After which she gently pat me on my butt and sent me on my way to homework land.

Right like I could really concentrate on anything but Brian. I had his posters all over my room. Well, all of them but my favorite was the one of just Brian. I loved them all though.

Believe it or not I still do.

I snuck a call into Sandy and told her about my lack of progress with the Mom. She said her parents had already told her she could go. How fair was that?

Of course I used it as ammunition when it came time to sell this to my Father. “Dad…Sandy is going; her parents both said it was okay. So can’t I go?” Yup I was ready for the battle.

Turns out there was really not much of a fight, more like an ultimatum. Brand new vocabulary word there. Mrs. Fischer would be proud. My parents both collectively agreed to let me go and see Brian if I aced my English test. As far as I was concerned that meant I was in.

I ran upstairs and called Sandy, then furiously began studying for that stupid tenses test. It wasn’t really that bad, but I had so much riding on it. If I didn’t pass I would throw myself out of the window. Yes…that is what I would do.

The whole week leading up to Brian and the boys coming to my town, that’s all you heard about on the radio, in the papers and on the news. The boys were jealous calling them every name in the book. Half of which I never had heard before. They sounded dirty though.

The girls were excited, all of us taking turns telling each other what they would do when they met…Kevin, Nick, AJ, Howie and Brian. Like I said, most of the girls were all about Nick. I had a simple plan. I only wanted to hug him, have my picture taken with him then invite my Mom over next to me, where I would proudly say, “Brian you should hear my Mom sing. She has the voice of an angel”

Simple.

I skipped home from school the day I took my test. I was convinced I had nailed it. Brian and the boys were going to be in town the very next day. They were doing something at the local hotel. Like an interview or something. My plan was to go and wait for them outside.

“How did the test go?” My mother asked greeting me at the door with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

“It went really well”

“What did you get?”

“I don’t know. I won’t know until after Brian comes to town”

“I guess that means no Brian then” For a second my heart stopped. I couldn’t breath but when I looked up to see a smile on my Mom’s face, I knew she was just teasing.

“Mommlu, did you actually think we wouldn’t let you see Brian?” I shook my head because anything that would have come out of my mouth at that moment would have sounded desperate.

“Happy birthday sweetheart” She walked over gave me a hug and kissed my forehead.

Yes it was my birthday. Well almost my birthday. In about three days, fourteen hours and eleven minutes it would be my birthday, but who was counting?

What better present to get than Brian?

Mom was the one who brought me to the hotel that day. Dad wanted to come but was called into work for a last minute meeting.

The last thing I said to him was later gater.

We stood outside for what felt like fourteen million hours. Of course I am exaggerating but not by much. I bounced to keep myself warm, my Mom bounced with me. Sandy whispered to me, “Your Mom is so funny” And I nodded in agreement. I think my Mom enjoyed the experience as much as I did.

There were not that many people there that day, for a Backstreet event anyway. I would say about thirty or so. Some my age, most a little older than me and some very old. All of us had signs. I held a bear in my hands for Brian. It said I heart you. I knew even if he didn’t keep it, he would give it to someone who needed it more than he did. He was like that.

There was a woman standing next to me who also was holding a bear. She was clutching it as if it were her child. Protectively shielding it away from the screaming crowd. I have to admit I was one of them. Screaming for absolutely no reason. I mean the guys were nowhere in sight, but there I was screaming and crying like a crazy person.

It was my Mother who saw them first. I was too short to see above the crowd.

“Here they come Laura” She said gripping my hand in hers. I was shaking, it was going to happen. I couldn’t believe it.

That’s when I saw him. He was beautiful at least that’s what my body said as I felt things tingling inside of me. He walked right next to me and smiled right at me. My Mom tried to stop him, but he was being moved along the row of endless screaming fans. “He’ll be back to sign autographs in a second” The bodyguard told my Mom who made sure he knew she was annoyed.

The others all came following behind Brian, with Nick coming out last to the longest and loudest screams. I looked up at my Mom and smiled, this was the best day in the world. Her hand on me tightened and I saw her face turn from happiness to shear terror.

Then it happened. In the blink of an eye…but like I said, I am bad with time.

Do you have any idea how it feels to be shot? Let me tell you, it’s nothing like how they show it in the movies and on television. Don’t tell my Mom I said that. She would get mad. My Mom didn’t like me watching violent shows. She said it would give me nightmares; similar to the nightmares that she has every night.

It felt like I had fallen on thumbtacks; small and sharp jabs of pain. I didn’t realize I had been hit until I was already dead, staring at myself as if I were watching a movie. My Mother holding me in her arms as she cried. Everyone was crying. It was a mess.

I wasn’t the only one. There were others lying around crying mothers too. I remember seeing Sandy sitting on her Mom’s lap and holding her head to her chest. She didn’t ever want her child to look up again. I couldn’t blame her. Then there was someone lying very close to where I was. She was on her side but also dead. I knew because she was standing right next to me watching too.

I looked for Brian, he was safe. I saw him looking around the crowd; my guess is he was looking for Nick. They were best friends. Just like Sandy and me. I couldn’t see Nick and found myself afraid to look to my left; for fear that he would be standing there next to me. He wasn’t.

The others were crying, holding there heads in disbelief, but I was shaken from watching them to looking back at my mother who had kissed my pale face. She kept saying “My baby” Over and over again. I wanted to reach down to her and tell her everything would be alright but I didn’t know if that was the truth.

I did get to meet Brian. He sang at my funeral. The rest of the guys showed up as well, everyone except for Nick. Everyone blamed him. I know my Mom did. Brian sang the Irish Blessing and then the four of them together sang ‘It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday’. My Mom cried the whole time with my father clinging to her like that woman who had killed me clung on to that stupid bear.

I was hoping my mom would get up and sing, but she didn’t. She doesn’t do that anymore. It makes me sad. Her voice is the only voice I long to hear. I have come to understand that I will never grow old, never have a boyfriend or a first kiss but I can’t wrap my head around the idea that I will never hear my Mother’s beautiful voice singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’.

She visits me every Tuesday. She sits next to my grave and puts a brand new bouquet of flowers next to my date of death. I always ask her to sing to me, just like she used to but all she ever does now is cry.

And it Made Me Squint...



I love thunderstorms. They make me feel safe…

Funny how that works because as a kid I remember being scared to death of those things. Running into my parent’s bedroom when the flash of light made everything in my room appear evil. They never threw me out, not even once. I would cuddle in the middle of the two of them and not wake again until I heard the chirping of birds outside and felt the nuzzle of my dog’s cold, wet nose against my face.

When it rains now, I go to my rocking chair and stare out into the dark night. The lightening brings a new feeling for me. It makes me remember that there are more powerful and wonderful things out there and that we just can’t see them.

That’s what I’m doing right now in fact. Sitting here at…let’s see…what time is it? Three o’clock in the morning and rocking in my chair. The thunderstorms make the night go by faster for some reason. And that is fine with me.

I can’t sleep anymore, at least not all night long anyway. Now if I can get about two hours of sleep a night I am lucky. It’s a good thing I’m a pop star, otherwise I would probably be considered crazy.

My fiancé thinks I should go see a therapist or something. It’s not normal to stay up all night looking out the window and rocking in that stupid chair she yells at me. I don’t need therapy because I already know what’s wrong.

It’s my fault; the entire thing.

When I close my eyes, I see it all play out in front of me and just like always, even how it was in that moment, I’m too late. I yell but the damage has already been done, people falling to the ground, the sound of death thick in the air.

Then the crying.

I had seen that so many times on television. First you see the bad guys run into town and murder everyone. You hear the screams of people begging for their lives and the swish of the knife or bang of a gun. That’s not the hardest part; the worst part in these movies is the sound of the crying afterwards. The cries of people whose lives will never be the same.

That’s what I hear when I try to sleep at night. I hear those cries of people whose lives will never be the same, because of me. I feel a chill go down my spine so I decide to throw a blanket over me. The lightening so close now that the crackle brightens the entire room.

Nick blames himself for all of this. He carries it around like some kind of martyr. If that lady didn’t love him so much, those girls would still be alive he tells me when we have our daily visits. I just sit there and let him talk. He needs to get it out of his system, because I fear for him.

I told him once that it was all my fault but he got so mad he threw me out of his house.

“How can you say that Brian? You didn’t kill anybody. That psycho bitch did!”

“You didn’t kill anybody either” That’s when he threw me out. I guess that was easier than admitting that he wasn’t to blame.

I have to stop for a minute, the memories so haunting me that I feel the tears trickling down my face.

It’s not fair really because at the funerals; all three of them, we sang and were hailed as heroes. Not Nick though. Especially for Laura’s funeral. The Mom was so mad at him; she didn’t even want him anywhere around her daughter’s casket. So while we sang and got praise for being strong, Nick sat in his bedroom under a pile of covers and cried himself to sleep. This was before he started to fear going out in public.

I wipe the tears from my cheeks and continue to rock after a few deep breaths. I started to do Yoga about a month ago; it does help to keep me focused and collect my thoughts. But unfortunately it doesn’t really help me fall asleep.

Nothing does.

I even tried good old fashioned Nyquil. The first night I took it, it knocked me out for at least an hour but the nightmares I had during that time were so intense I threw up. Visions of little kids not even my waist high holding out teddy bears to me covered in blood. I yell out to them, but they can’t hear me and I’m too late, one by one they disappear. Then I see him… Nick just staring at them all lying on the floor unable to do anything but stare. He puts a gun to his head and I wake up just as he pulls the trigger.

I couldn’t help him either.

If I had to choose between sleepless nights and that dream, I would gladly take insomnia, so that was the end of my brief experimentation with Nyquil.

Laura’s Mom calls me every so often. I gave her my phone number and told her anytime day or night, if she needs anything, feel free to call. That was the very least I could do since it was my fault that her daughter died in the first place. She actually has called a couple of times.

I look at my phone and think of maybe calling Nick to see if he is okay. Unlike me, he hates storms. I decide even though it’s late, there is a good chance he is awake so I dial his number and make the decision that if it rings more then three times I’ll hang up.

He picks up after the first ring. He knows it’s me.

“Hey Brian, can’t sleep huh?”

“Nope. I guess you can’t either” I close my eyes and picture him sitting under a pile of covers as he talks to me. A barricade of furniture blocking his front door so no one can get in or out.

“No…I was just playing a video game”

“Yeah? What are you playing?”

“I hate thunder Brian”

“I know you do. If it wasn’t so late I would invite you over”

He laughed; I knew he would laugh at that.

“I just wish this would all go away” I knew the laughter wouldn’t stick around. It never does, not anymore. Anytime we can get him to smile, we wish we could take a picture and live in that moment. He doesn’t let anyone take pictures of him anymore though.

“It will”

He swallows; I know like me, he has been crying too. Probably remembering the cries; hearing the screams. “Brian, you’re a good friend”

“You are too Nick. You are too”

“Howie just called me, he couldn’t sleep either”

“He did?”

“Yeah... He’s coming over in a little bit actually”

I breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t like him being alone. I know none of us do. Kevin at one point even wanted to have Nick move in with him, but he would have to leave his house to do that. We are all so worried about him these days.

“I should go, thanks for calling Brian”

“My pleasure. I’ll see you tomorrow kiddo…okay?”

“Okay”

We hang up and I feel slightly better. Just slightly, before the guilt seeps back into my system, taking with it any trace of happiness I had been feeling only moments before. I could have changed this whole scenario. This should have never happened.

As I walked down that line of fans I remember her clearly, she stuck out to me like a sore thumb, my intuition told me there was something not right about her. I was about to turn to security to verbalize that but then I was side tracked.

I was side tracked and just like that, the thought left my mind.

I had seen her many times before. I mean we see so many fans that it is hard to keep track of everybody but her I remembered. Not sure why, but when I had passed by her on that day I knew I needed to say something to somebody.

It’s funny because I can even remember the name of the girl I was signing an autograph for when it happened. Her name was Monique. She was in the middle of spelling it for me when I heard the screams which signaled to me that Nick had made it out of the door. I always laughed about it, we all did. The kid just had a look I guess that made girls scream.

After I signed the picture of us from one of our tour programs, I turned to look at Nick. I wanted to scream the punch line of an inside joke we had to him, but instead I found myself squinting at a bright shiny object that the crazy woman was taking out of her purse. I thought it was a camera at first.

A camera…

He was right next to her and I was waiting for her to take it out and shoot a picture, she never did. It wasn’t until he had passed her along the line that she took it out. The bright sun glared over it to make it look like a neon light. I closed my eyes tighter to make out what on earth I was looking at, by the time I realized it was a gun, she had already aimed it right at Nick.

My best friend and brother.

I tried to yell but nothing came out. I heard someone yell gun and then screams followed by those cries I mentioned earlier. It’s like time stopped just for a second. Suddenly the loud crowd was mute.

I was at the bottom of a pile of security guards. I could barely breathe but I didn’t care, all I cared about was finding Nick. I knew Howie and AJ were okay because they were right there under the pile with me. Kevin I couldn’t see but heard. I heard as he kept calling “Nick are you okay? Talk to me buddy”

Nick I had no clue about. When the pile finally let me up, I saw him…standing there staring down at the blood that was around him. At first I thought it was his blood and felt myself running towards him. I couldn’t move though. Security was holding me tight in place. He looked over at me with a lost, blank expression on his face. Kevin had made his way over to Nick and just pulled him close into a hug. The cries going on around him were deafening. The crazy lady screaming as security had her pinned under them. She kept saying I love you Nick! I love you Nick!

I am interrupted by another flash of light, this time even closer then the last. The boom of the thunder actually made me wince. Sometimes when I look out into a storm like this, I swear I can see the flash of that metal object in her hands. If only I had recognized it sooner. If only my reflexes were quicker, all of this would have never happened.

I remember as I was walking towards Nick and Kevin seeing everyone staring at me like I wasn’t real. AJ stood next to me and whispered “Oh my God where do we go from here?”

I didn’t have an answer for him. I still don’t.

“Honey come to bed…it’s late” I look up to see Leighanne staring at me as I rock, I think she worries about me as much as I worry about Nick.

“I will in a minute” She nods and then turns and leaves the room.

My thoughts go back to that damn gun. How it twinkled in the sun. It almost looked like a gem or something.

It was all my fault…all my fault.

Changing Things...


He sits across from me, his eyes never leaving mine, it made me uncomfortable but it was a small price to pay for company. I was glad he was here, even though I pretended I wasn’t. He made it here in about ten minutes flat. I wonder if they have their routes timed to my house. It seems like it takes Howie less and less time to make it here; AJ too. I bet they have little planning meetings or something on how is the fastest way to get to Nick…just in case he does something stupid.

They are always concerned that I will do something stupid. I remember when that meant accidentally burping into a microphone or saying something that would make me appear dumb. Kevin would kid that he didn’t care if people thought I was a moron as long as I didn’t take the rest of them down with me.

I knew he was kidding.

It’s just one of those things that people who don’t really know us don’t understand. We are tight. There are so many other bands out there that profess to be tight like brothers, when in reality they can’t stand to be in the same room with each other. We always would get bunched into the same categories as them because it’s easy to do that you know… Generalize.

People behind the scenes would see us arguing, especially Kevin and I and automatically think there was so much more to the story when most times it was as simple as a silly little fight about stealing deodorant. I always did that to poor Kevin. Since I was a horrible packer, I never brought those essentials on the road with me, so I would invite myself to use his stuff. That would drive him crazy. One time we got into a heated argument over deodorant right in the MTV studios.

People began to think we hated each other and we thought it was funny.

Generalizing; I think Americans do it best. Let’s put everyone into categories because that makes everything so much simpler. You look like a weirdo and your fat so we will say you are a lazy good for nothing. You go over to that corner. And you…you have a big fancy car and ten women around you at all times, you must be a high roller, you go over to that corner. You’re an Arab…you must be a terrorist. You have a pierced nose and a Mohawk, why don’t we just arrest you right now. Chances are you are up to no good.

You are a rich, young pop star with everything, let’s say your life is perfect and move on because let’s face it, what can really be that bad in your world right?

I guess I shouldn’t complain, I mean I generalize too. It’s so easy to look at something, not really know the circumstances and come to your own conclusions. I have done that with women more times then I dare remember.

So people look at us and think that deep on the inside, we all secretly hate each other. That can’t be further from the truth. I don’t know what I would do without these guys. My whole life, it has been them, more so than anyone else, that have been there for me. Especially as of late, they have firmly stuck by my side. Even my own family has slowly weaned themselves away from seeing me, using the excuse that it’s just too hard to see me like this.

And I say… “Like what? Human?”

Not the guys though. They have stayed, and been witnesses to it all; the changes that have slowly mapped out the existence of my everyday life as I know it.

The nightmares, when I would wake up screaming my head off, only to be consoled by Brian who had taken to lying down next to me as if I was a little child; hugging me tight from behind as a shield.

The unexplained bouts of crying over the phone to AJ or Howie who would drop everything and come over; without so much as a moments notice.

The shaking, sometimes violent tremors that would overcome me as I approached a door, only to be calmed by the steady hand of Kevin; someone who I knew would never let anything hurt me.

These people are my only saving grace these days. Not that I deserve to be saved mind you. If I was them, I would have long given up on me too. From the first time I almost passed out at the thought of going outside, to them coming into my hotel room and finding me sleeping under the bed instead of on it.

“Strange behavior” I had heard AJ whisper one night as I pretended to be asleep on the bed; huddled in a ball so tight that I was having a hard time breathing.

“Well, it is a little strange, but he has been through a lot”

“Yeah he has. I worry about him Kev; I mean he hasn’t left this room in a week”

“He’ll get over it”

I never did though.

My fears had only intensified; soon even going from my hotel room to Kevin’s or AJ’s was a chore. I would break out in a cold sweat and then the tremors would start. The ones I had mentioned earlier. The thought of leaving my room was making me physically ill. So I stopped leaving and just stayed. Any interviews that were conducted, any business that needed to be taken care of, was all done over the phone from my room.

I never went out anymore.

“So…” I smile at Howie. It’s been about ten mutes of him doing nothing but staring at me and finally now he is speaking. “How’s it going?”

“I don’t like thunder”

“I know that, but at least the storm is dying down a bit”

“It is?” I hadn’t noticed.

I don’t notice much these days. That is one of the many changes I have undergone since some random fan decided to turn everything upside down.

I used to be observant, now long periods of time just happen by and I am totally oblivious to it. I will glance at the clock when I wake up to see it’s 8am and then look away for a few moments only to realize that the next time I glance at the clock it is nearly noon.

“Yeah, actually it stopped pouring almost an hour ago. Now it’s only light drizzling outside”

“An hour?”

“Yeah Nick. I told you when I got here that it had stopped pouring”

“You’ve been here for an hour?”

See? That’s what I mean. I just don’t seem to pay much attention to time anymore. What’s the point? I have nowhere to be.

“Are you okay? Let me get you some tea or something you look cold. Are you cold?” This is when they start to worry. You can insert any of the guys into this. Whenever I start acting strange as AJ had put it, they feel the need to try to fix things anyway they can. If that means something as simple as making me tea or bringing over some McDonald’s hamburgers then that’s what they do.

Anything to get the old Nick back.

I don’t have the heart to tell them things have changed. That old Nick is never coming back. I don’t want him to come back.

“That‘s okay Howie, I’m not really thirsty but feel free to make yourself some if you want”

He looks over at me and then nods, “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks though”

“Okay then. I’m gonna make some for me”

When Howie leaves, I look over to the door. I used to love going out, whether it be to a club, or to the beach. I used to love the feel of the wind in my hair as I drove too fast towards the shoreline in my convertible. Taking in the smell of the ocean as I blew passed it always promising it I would come back.

I want to be able to go out there, I really do.

I get goose bumps just thinking about it though. Leaving the confines of my safe home to go outside where anything can happen. It’s best to just stay here. So I sit back and look away from the door even though it yearns for me to pull it open.

Too many things can go wrong out there. Too many things already have.

The first time I tried to leave, I got as far as the front porch. I actually had my hand on the doorknob and even though I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to fall and start to convulse, I managed to open the door with all my might and take three steps out onto the porch. I can’t even describe the horror I felt. It was as if the air around me was closing in on me ready to crush me to a bloody pulp. I couldn’t breathe and used every once of strength I had left to call for help.

Kevin was on duty that night. Because let’s face it, I’m sure this felt like a job to them and when he saw my door opened he ran out onto the porch where I sat squatting against the wall and gasping for air.

“What are you doing out here?”

I wanted to answer him with some smart ass remark but I could barely breathe. He picked me up, wrapping his arms around my upper torso and dragged me back into the house.

“I wanted to leave” I finally managed to get out as he nervously pat my back, hoping I would calm down enough to let him know I would be okay.

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to lose my momentum”

“Nick…maybe you’re just not ready yet” And that was all that was said that night; at least to me. I’m sure long after I went to bed the subject was brought up a number of different times as they struggled to understand this new Nick. The one that was afraid to take more then two steps outside.

Howie walks in and decides to sit right next to me, I guess this way it’s less uncomfortable for him. He doesn’t have to face me and literally watch me fall apart. The warmth from his tea cup is traveling my way and I suddenly find myself wishing I had let him pour me a cup after all. It smells like Sleepy time tea.

“I wonder what is on TV” He says as he reaches past me and takes the huge remote. I shrug, “Probably nothing good this time of night”

“Well let’s see, if nothing else, there’s always good old MTV right?”

“Yeah but they never show videos anymore, only Real World marathons” He laughs and I lay back, resting my head on one of the nice comfy throw blankets I have strategically placed on the couch.

Sure enough we end up watching The Real World. He does anyway; I go back to watching the wall right above the television. It suddenly seems so much more entertaining.

“Nicky?”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, I thought you were asleep”

“Nope”

I hear laughter coming from the screen so I glance over to see Katie and Matt laughing about something on the Today show.

“I didn’t know they show reruns of the Today show”

I feel Howie’s eyes on mine once again and I realize that they aren’t reruns when I notice the shadows coming in through the blinds.

“What time is it?”

“Almost 8” He says to me with just a tinge of concern in his voice. Sometimes I think he would just like to shake me and slap me a couple of times. Maybe that would get me out of my funk.

I wish.

“Well I think I am going to head on home kiddo. You gonna be alright for a little while? I know AJ is stopping by around noon”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Howie thanks for coming last night”

“Anytime” And I know he means it.

As he cleans up a little he hums one of our songs. I know he is hoping I’ll start humming right along with him. I can’t even tell you when the last time I sang anything was. He folds the blankets I have all over the room and turns to say goodbye. Instead he says, “Things will get better Nicky. I promise you” I know he means that too.

Once he is gone I stand up and stretch a bit. Sometimes I wish I could just open up my door and run outside and play with my dogs. I had to give most of them away. They needed the kind of care that I just couldn’t give them anymore. Brian and Leigh took some and AJ took the rest.

I do move closer to my door but only to put the table in front of it. Maybe later if I feel daring I’ll put my hand on the knob and turn it.

Doubtful though...very doubtful

*Just wanted to say thanks to all of you who have given me reviews. I really appreciate it! I Love you guys lol*

Rain Like Strings

I rustle with the various sheets of music I have collected over the years, most I will never have time to play. It’s gotta be here somewhere I tell myself as I squat down on the floor and look through the piano bench.

I hate that, when you suddenly have the urge to play something specific, yet you can’t find it anywhere. I thought it was in the bench. That’s usually where I put my most beloved pieces of music. I have to admit; I tend to put the hardest stuff like Rachmaninoff and Debussy right on the piano for display; even though I could never play those. Well I mean I’m sure I could with the extra time to practice but since extra time is never something I have the luxury of saying or having, I can at least pretend that those two composers are in my repertoire. So I proudly display them and stick to the easier stuff, like Beethoven. That’s what I’m looking for now.

The Moonlight Sonata.

It’s odd really but for some reason, I can play that song so easily that it is almost the same as taking a valium or two or three. It relaxes me and I almost have it memorized.

So then why do you need the music Kev? I ask myself as sarcastically as I hear AJ asking the same thing in my head. Well it’s simple really. I don’t remember what the first note is. Call me anal, call me picky but I refuse to play this song, one of my absolute favorite ones in the world, without starting it in the proper place. Everything needs to be in the proper place.

Call me crazy but without order, what’s the point right? I mean my whole life can be an absolute mess but dammit, as long as I know where my music is, and that my underwear draw is fully organized, then it won’t much matter.

I stand up and flip over my piano bench in anger. I can’t find the stupid song anywhere! Great just great! I scream to my empty room. Why does nothing go right?

Frustrated I walk over to the window humming the song as I go. I get so easily angered nowadays. I mean I have always had a quick temper, not as quick as others, but still I have been known to say something before thinking about it. Now though, I get so angry I sometimes scare even myself.

I’ll go for a walk; usually that’s what helps me to calm down. Go for a nice long walk and try to forget.

Try to forget.

I walk over to the front door and fling it open. I don’t mean to open it so hard but I do and it slams against the wall. I need to calm down. I get as far as down the steps before the rain starts up again. Seems like it has rained for the last three years. Looks like my walk is out of the question now. I decide to run back into the house.

When I get like this, the only thing that calms me down is playing the damn piano and I can’t even do that! God when did I become so helpless?

I walk over to my piano bench and put it back on it’s feet. Then I begin the process of collecting all the sheet music that fell out of it. I need to do something. I can’t just sit here and do nothing. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t thrown my television out of the window.

I still can’t believe I did that.

I was calmly watching the news when they pan to her. They actually interviewed her like SHE was the victim. Poor crazy lady, how could they even consider putting her in prison? Why I’m sure she had an absolutely horrible life. Hasn’t she been through enough? That’s all I had to hear. I walked over to the television and pushed it off of it’s stand.

Kristin asked me what my problem was. I wish I had answered with words but instead I chose an action, and that action was me throwing the television out of the window.

I am pretty sure it was raining that day. Hasn’t stopped since.

I sit on the piano bench and with one hand twiddle on the keys while the other is holding my head up. I start to play As Long As You Love Me, but can’t bring myself to sing it for some reason. It was always one of our favorite ones to warm up to. I believe it was the first BSB song I actually learned how to play on the piano.

I can’t stand just being here without doing something.

It dawns on me that I haven’t checked up on any of the guys yet today. I stand up and walk my way over to the phone to dial Nick, the first one on my list, but then I abruptly hang up after the first ring.

I’m not in the mood to deal with him today. When I get in one of these moods, there isn’t much that I am in the mood to deal with. Maybe I should just go to sleep. The clock dinging noon tells me that it’s too early to go to bed.

I feel bad but sometimes I can’t handle Nick. I mean I love him, but I can’t deal with the way he is these days. It makes me want to punch something…anything. Sometimes even him.

Walking over to the window I look out at the rain. It’s just a light drizzle, nothing too bad. Maybe I can take that walk afterall. I search the room to find my umbrella; I decide to take the biggest one I have. A nice long walk will clear my mind and calm me down.

We have all changed since that stupid night. All of us, each in our own way. I hate that. “I hate that!” I yell to the sky, hoping for an answer and just like always, the answer never comes.

As I walk, I shake my head at how unfair life could be sometimes. Everything was so good, now it’s not. How in one day, that can all change. Suddenly walking is not good enough, I decide to start jogging. Maybe that will help.

I’m sure I look weird to people passing me in their cars. I can tell by the odd stares I am getting, but I don’t give a damn. Let them look. I need to do this, if I slow down now, it’ll all come rushing back to catch up with me; the memories, the nightmares, the crying, the changes, all of it. Suddenly even jogging isn’t good enough and now I find myself running, being chased after all of the things I so desperately want to escape from.

I run until I am about out of breath. As my pace picked up so did the rain, turning from a light drizzle to a hard downpour. I decide to take my umbrella away from my head and just let the drops fall on me.

The drops are long; at least that’s how they look from a distance. Like violin strings, you might see animated in a Disney movie. When I close my eyes I can see them playing against a backdrop of blues and purples.

The raindrops are now coming down so hard that I can barely see in front of me anymore, water dripping down my face and landing in my open mouth. For some reason I feel like crying. Maybe because I picture Nick looking out of his own window afraid to go out into the rain. He used to love to go outside. Back when everything was normal. Back when I used to be able to help him and everyone else.

I sit right down on the curb, right in the middle of the pouring rain, thinking about things, wishing I could have done more for everyone and feeling the anger making it’s way back into my head.

I need to get out of here so I stand up ignoring the chills that are now running up and down my spine and begin to walk back towards my house.

As I get closer to my front door, the rain begins to subside and I think momentarily about trying to go for another walk, but then I remember.

I run towards my door and into the house, running up the stairs two at a time until I reach the bathroom; the place where I left the Moonlight Sonata.

I had forgotten that I had played it last night and then decided to bring it back upstairs with me. My anger suddenly begins to lift as I make my way back down the steps and toward my piano.

By the time I sit down on the bench I am almost smiling; weird how music does that to me. It can manage to calm me down completely.

I start the song and ignore the lightening striking in the background. Temporarily transporting myself away from the rain and the gloominess. It has gotten dark enough for me to have to turn on the lights.

I wince knowing that the darkness will be there when the music stops, unless I keep playing forever.

When the wind would blow...


Hello my darling,

I know I’m not supposed to write to you any longer and I’m still not exactly sure why. I mean for my part I never did anything wrong except fall in love with you. Now if that is a crime than I guess I’m worthy of any punishment that has been thrown at me so far.

Maybe if you would be so kind as to at least send me a note back, just so I know you are okay. Ever since the incident I haven’t seen or heard from you. Not even one call or one small visit. Nothing!

After all that I did for you. All that I planned for us.

I know you blame me for what happened but as I’ve said time and again, it wasn’t my fault. Those girls just got in the way. I’ve figured out that God helped me out there; you know making me hit them instead of you. He knew I’d never forgive myself if I had harmed you but then again I wouldn’t be alive right now either so it’s a marvelous Catch 22. Can’t you see the irony in that? I’m laughing about it right now.

All I know is deep down in my heart, we were meant to be together. Always and forever, I guess it’s just that we will be together in life now instead of death although one will eventually lead to the other.

I have blabbered on long enough and am anxiously awaiting your reply.

I love you sweetheart. Give a kiss to the rest of the guys from me!

Your beautiful girl,

Cassandra

I sat and stared at the letter, my life has changed so much, everyone was against me but I knew they were just tests. Test number one came when they put me in this horrible place, away from my posters and any chance I had to be with my boyfriend. It didn’t matter where I was as long as I had a way to talk to Nick, tell him I was sorry but most of all I wanted the satisfaction in hearing him apologize to me.

I’m sure that is what has been bothering him most about this, not being able to see me so he could tell me how sorry he was for ignoring me in the first place. He must feel terrible; I know I would if I were him.

“Looks like shit for brains Cassie is at it again” I tried to hide the letter when I heard her voice but it was too late, she saw it and grabbed it out of my hands. “Look she’s writing to her boyfriend again…you are crazier than sin girl” I jumped up on my feet to take back what was mine but she only laughed and ripped it in two.

I attacked her then; she was always so mean to me and for no reason at all. I hated being in here surrounded by all these crazy people. I made her fall to the floor and I pulled her hair. Her little posse was on me in no time flat, trying to get me off of her, but I was a pit-bull and wouldn’t let go.

“Get off of me you crazy bitch!” She screamed at me trying to grab my hands that were holding her hair. I was trying to yank out as much as possible before the guards could get me off of her.

When they pulled me up I held firm onto her head and sure enough I had a nice healthy clump in my hand while she screamed in agony.

“She’s such a crazy bitch” She was crying as they pulled me away from her.

“He’s never going to come and see you. He hates you!” I wouldn’t listen she was just one of the many people in here who were jealous of my relationship with Nick. It was understandable I suppose but it was also getting old.

I found myself in solitary which came as no big surprise; the only thing bad with being alone was not being allowed a pen to write with. I sat on the floor against the padding and looked at some of the leftover hair still intertwined between my fingers. Maybe I would send Nick this in his next letter. So he could see all of the sacrifices I make for him while he gives me nothing in return.

I took and uncurled the hair from my hand and stared at it, placing it by my face and blowing it away as if there was a breeze. Just like that day, it was so windy that day. Nick’s hair was flying all over the place, if he had only let me fix it for him.

As the door opened she stepped in, the one who was determined to keep me and my true love apart. This was always the worst part about ending up in solitary. I quickly placed the hair in my pocket so she wouldn’t take it for her own. I knew the way she worked; she wanted nothing more than Nick and I to stay apart so this way she could have him all to herself.

“Hello Cassandra, I heard you had a fight today” I didn’t answer her, because she didn’t even deserve my time or attention.

“Oh we are being silent today are we?” She walked closer and sat down beside me, “Why don’t you tell me what happened”

“I don’t have to talk to you”

“I know you don’t but it’ll make things a whole lot easier if you do”

“I know you’ll just twist my words when you talk to him”

“Oh, is this about Nick Carter again Cassandra?”

“No” I learned to lie to this woman so she would leave me alone.

“Maggie said you attacked her because she took a letter from you is that right?”

“She’s just jealous”

“Is that what happened?” I nodded, I guess there was no reason for me to lie about that part and maybe now that crazy bitch would get what she deserved.

“Cassandra, I thought we had made a promise not to write to Nick anymore”

“I can’t he loves me and will be expecting my letters”

“He doesn’t even know you Cassandra, but you know that deep down… don’t you?” This is where I had to start lying. It was all becoming such a familiar routine, someone picking on me because they were jealous and then her coming in and telling me not to write to Nick anymore. She wanted him all to herself.

“He loves me you know…you’ll never have him the way I do”

“I am not interested in him Cassandra; I am married and have two children of my own”

I laughed, because I knew she was lying. I saw the way she stared at my boyfriend when I’d show her his pictures. Then she took them away from me. All away, every last one even the one I had of just his baby blue eyes.

“Nick is going to fire you when he figures out why you’re keeping me here”

“And why are we keeping you here?”

She was treating me like I was a child, I am no child. “Because you want him all to yourself”

“I have told you this time and again; I do not work for Nick Carter. In fact I have never even met him”

“Right” I laughed under my breath again and turned away from her, I had learned not to be aggressive with her because the last time I was they restrained me. Besides I don’t want Nick to get mad at me.

“What about the little girls Cassandra? Do you remember them?”

“Of course I remember them woman, I’m not an old senile lady like you”

“That is why you are in here Cassandra”

“Sure that’s what you say but I know it’s no true. I don’t believe you”

“Fair enough I guess, but for the time being you need to stay in here and cool off”

“Can I at least have a pen and paper?”

“You know the rules and besides you aren’t supposed to be writing letters to Nick anymore”

She walked out the door and I could swear she was laughing at me as soon as it locked. I hated being surrounded by all these whack jobs. If he wanted to keep me safe from paparazzi and his jealous girlfriends he could have at least sent me to Hawaii or something not here although I admit it was a brilliant cover.

That was my Nick, always looking out for me.

I closed my eyes to picture him standing there walking by me, the wind blowing his hair every which way. He looked incredible, he always looks incredible. Once again I took out the hair from my pocket blowing on it making it fly out of my hands and hit the floor.


~*~*~*~*~~*~*
The next day they let me out of solitary and back into the main loony bin. I know they felt bad for me since I didn’t deserve to be here in the first place. I would always let the nurses know that by giving them a wink and a smile. We all kept the masquerade going.

I walked over to my table first grabbing a pen and paper. It was so nice to be able to write again. Weird how a pen in this place was considered a luxury.

My darling Nick,

I had written you such a beautiful letter yesterday, poetic and awesome. Of course the powers that be saw fit to destroy it but they can never destroy our love for each other so no fear about that. I hope you are sleeping well darling. I know I am having the hardest time sleeping soundly without hearing your heartbeat next to mine.

Soon

I really think you should fire the woman that comes and talks to me sweetheart, without the risk of sounding like an overly jealous girlfriend, I believe she has ulterior motives for keeping me here. I was thinking that maybe you could find the time to talk to the people who work here and ask them if they could send me to Hawaii instead? This way you can come with me and keep me company.

I know this is as hard for you as it is for me. Nothing pains me more than to be away from you and those sparkling eyes and smile. I miss you more and more every day if that is even possible.

Please come and visit me my love. I am ever so lonely here without you. You could even bring one of the guys along, I’m sure they could keep the guards occupied long enough for us to have a little romp in the hay.

I miss that most you know, our long nights of love making. Just the two of us naked and curled up by the fireplace.

I hope you have been taking good care of my mother since I’ve been gone. She hasn’t been to visit so I am sure it’s because you are giving her lots’ to do. Maybe you sent her down to Hawaii to fix up the condo for us? What an exquisite idea. You are always one step ahead of me Nickolas Carter and that’s why I love you so much.

By the way I have a souvenir for you; it’s a patch of hair. It’s the same color as mine roughly, but I don’t have to tell you that I guess. Duh me…sometimes I think this place IS making me crazy. Anyway take it, hold it in your hand and think of me. She attacked me you know trying to get me not to write to you but nothing can break our bond. Love is stronger than that.

Okay well I have blabbered long enough so until I see you again happy dreams and I can’t wait until you come and whisk me away.

Your beautiful girl,

Cassandra…

Sorry it took so long to update this one I hope you enjoyed it