Secrets

Everyone has secrets; some worse than others. How far would you go, what measures would you take to make sure that the single most important secret in your life stays a secret? Would you lie, hide things or even hurt the people that mean the most to you just to keep your secret safe? What would you do if one day you suddenly realize that this secret you have been holding onto, the one thing that meant so much to you, is actually the one thing that is killing you? Would you let go of your secret and tell someone? Would you try to change your ways? Or would you hang onto that secret as tight as you could, never letting go, until one day that secret consumes you?

I have a secret. Actually I have many, but there is one secret I don’t think I can keep anymore. My secret is to keep someone else’s secret quite. I know everything, and I mean everything there is to know about him. And as proud as I am to be able to say that, I hate it at the same time. I really wish I didn’t know what I know because now, when he needs someone the most, it all lands on my shoulders to figure out what the right thing to do is. I am the only other person in the whole world besides him who knows his secret, who knows the truth. Not his parents, siblings, friends, band-mates, management, media and certainly not the fans. Just me. And that’s who he turned to the day he realized his secret had taken over his whole world.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Not three hours ago I sat in front of a man I care so deeply about and watched him crumble to pieces at the revelation that everything he ever knew, his way of life and is life period, was coming to an end. When he called me I could hear in his voice something wasn’t right. He was both eerily calm and anxious as he asked me over to his place. Once I got there things were worse than I could have ever imagined. He had already destroyed the house; glass was shattered in every hall, pictures and precious awards strewn across the floors, every piece of furniture had been upturned and as soon as I spotted the trickle of blood leading into the bathroom my heart leapt into my throat. Seeing him collapsed in a heap of sobs on the cold tile floor, his hand wrapped in blood soaked paper towels gasping for breath. brought tears to my eyes. I had no times for questions, even though my mind was reeling, because his sobs were quickly interrupted by the sharp sound of glass breaking under my feet as I slowly entered the room. The second he saw me he let out deep anguished yell, jumped to his feet and proceeded to punch the wall while letting out what I assumed to be screams of both anger and pain. It was only when I yelled his name to stop that he finally turned around gasping for breath, fists clenched just glaring at me. I took a moment to take in the sight of him raging mad but as soon as I looked in his eyes I saw all the pain, sadness and most of all fear. I softly said his name once more showing my sorrow and compassion towards him and at that moment he gave in; fell into my arms crying away every feeling he had ever bottled up inside. He held me so tight it felt like he needed verification that I was there or maybe even that I wasn’t going anywhere.

After some passed and he relaxed as best he could he finally revealed exactly what it was that had him so worked up. He was dieing. Or so he claimed was the case after being diagnosed with a serious heart condition. But it wasn’t just any condition, it was a disease spawned from the very secret he and I had both been hiding for so many years. He once again begged me not to tell anyone; that he would take care of it himself. He would talk to the doctors to figure out what to do and do whatever it took to get better. I knew it wasn’t that simple. This secret he was keeping was not something that he could fix on his own and on top of that it was now putting his life at risk. It was a breaking point; the opportunity I had been waiting for so many years was sitting right in the palm of his hands and in that very moment I could see it slipping away from him before he even had a chance to grasp it. It was at that moment when I realized I couldn’t keep his secret anymore. He would hate me, but if that meant saving his life, so be it. So what was this sacred secret I had been keeping protected? And who was I keeping it for? The one person I turned to for everything and who I relied in times of need. The very same person who was sitting in front of me and relying on me in his biggest time of need. He is my best friend Nick Carter; an alcoholic and a drug addict.

Recovery

He looks amazing! I can’t believe how far he’s come in only a few short months. It was an uphill battle to say the least. It’s been almost a year and a half since Nick was diagnosed and he started to turn his life around. However in the beginning I wasn’t sure if it was even possible for him to get to this point. No, let me rephrase that, I couldn’t have ever imagined that he would get to this point! He really has far surpassed anyone’s expectations, most of all mine and probably his own. But he did, I can see it every time I look at him; that he truly is happy now. More than he probably has ever been in his life.

But it wasn’t easy. The day he told me about his heart condition, the same day I finally let go of his secret that I had been hiding for so long, was the day I thought I had lost him forever. I left his house more scared than I had ever been in my life. I knew I had to tell someone what was going on; I knew I couldn’t help him all by myself. As I drove down his street watching his house get smaller in my rear view mirror, I never hesitated as I dialed the only number I could think of; the one person I knew would have some helpful words: Kevin. Kevin and I were never really close but I always knew he worried about Nick. Everyone did, they all had suspicions, but Kevin would know what to do; I hoped. The second I heard his voice, every tear I had been holding inside began rolling down my face. I was scared to tell him anything, afraid I would lose Nick by revealing his secret. But I was more scared not to tell him, afraid of what might happen to Nick if I didn’t. All I could whisper was “Kevin, I need you”.

I headed to his house right away and he was waiting for me as I drove up. He pulled me into a hug and just let me cry; it seemed very reminiscent to how I held Nick only few hours earlier. He knew right away it was about Nick before I even spoke a word. We sat on his porch for what felt like hours as I poured out my heart, revealing everything I had ever kept hidden for Nick. I admitted my guilt for keeping it a secret, how I felt ashamed at myself for not telling someone sooner. In that moment I felt a huge responsibility for what had happened to Nick; I felt it was partially my fault, that I could have prevented it from getting so bad. Kevin didn’t argue the fact that I should have said something sooner but made sure I knew it was never my fault and after taking some time to get over the initial shock of discovering the truth, he wasted no time in putting a plan in action. I knew it was the best thing for Nick but I also knew he was not going to give in very easily. He was going to be angry and resentful, put up a wall and deny everything. Most of all, he would hate me for making all this happen. If anything was my fault this definitely was. But it had to be done.

Kevin gathered everyone who needed to know, who should have been involved. Nick’s siblings, the guys, and a couple close friends. He contacted Nick’s parents, who luckily were not in town at the time, and informed them of his condition. His Dad made plans to fly in the following week while his Mother was not much help as usual. We all agreed to keep management out of the loop until an agreement could be made with Nick. And so, the next thing I knew, a parade of cars were headed back over to Nick’s house containing every person that cared the most about him. A confrontation was about to be had and I feared the worst.

I was sent in first to come clean that I had told Kevin about everything. I found him in the same place I had left him; curled up on the couch, traces of old tears still stained his face. He made no attempt to move as I sat next to him, took a deep breath and began by telling him he wasn’t alone. I explained how I so desperately wanted to help him but I couldn’t do it alone and that he shouldn’t either. How I was scared for him and didn’t know what else do. And the moment I told him I turned to Kevin for help I saw the flash of anger appear in his eyes. No sooner had I said Kevin’s name did he push me away and jump off the couch. Luckily I didn’t have time to think about all the nasty things he was yelling at me because in a flash Kevin along with everyone else rushed into the room. With tears streaming down my face I watched on as someone I cared so much about reach his breaking point. He physically, verbally and emotionally lashed out at everyone around him. He did everything I knew he would and more. The last thing I heard him say before he took off was “I hate you all”; starring directly at me. I went home that night sick with grief and waited by the phone for any call that he was okay. None came. It wasn’t until the next day I got the call I had been hoping for, just not what I had expected. It was Nick’s doctor calling to tell me he was concerned about Nick; that he was there now and seemed to have shut down. I didn’t hesitate as I took off towards the office.

Nick had gone on a drinking binge when he left the night before and decided to top it all off with some cocaine. He was a mess when I saw him. But his doctor assured me he was fine; as good as could be expected in his condition. He and Nick had a heart-to-heart blunt discussion about his disease and he felt that a light had gone off for Nick; that was ready to make a change but didn’t know how. He told me that he provided Nick with a number of resources to help him get clean including a rehab clinic, a nutritionist and a personal trainer. Nick had agreed to everything but he informed me it would be along hard road for Nick and he would need help. If he only knew how much help Nick already had. I was so thankful to Nick’s doctor and still am today; his role in Nick’s recovery was substantial.

As I approached Nick I was afraid he would still be angry with me and tell me to leave. That he never wanted to see me again. But he didn’t. He looked so defeated sitting on the table, still half wasted. He was drained and I knew he needed someone. I just hoped that person was me; it was. He looked up at me such sad eyes and said “I’m sorry”. I didn’t need to hear anything else as I ran to hug him. We stayed like that for a long time until he finally asked to go home. That was the beginning of Nick’s journey. It wasn’t until he fully understood that his way of life, the constant partying, the drugs and the alcohol was literally killing him. It was then that he came to his senses and began to turn his life around. After completing his outpatient program he took on a new desire to get healthy. I had never seen him so motivated to do anything in his life before. Through his dieting and training he started to take on a new glow that I hadn’t even seen in him when he was performing. He literally transformed himself into a new person. I am also thankful that through it all, I didn’t lose him as a friend. To see Nick where he is today is beyond my wildest dreams. He looks amazing, he’s healthy, his doctor says his heart is doing much better and he seems so much more happy. He has a spark in his eyes that I don’t think I have ever seen before. I have always loved Nick. I loved him so much that I helped him make some of the biggest mistakes of his life. I loved Nick through his worst times and now I am beyond ecstatic to be able to love Nick and see him through some of his best times. I just hope he is able to stay this way for a very long time!

Relapse

They relapsed. Yes, I said they. I’m still in shock; I can’t believe this has happened. Not long ago I was over the moon, telling everyone how great Nick was doing; how he got his life straightened out. He was healthy and most of all sober. Now I suddenly feel like everything is about to come crashing down; again. And I never would have imagined AJ being caught in the middle of it all.

This was supposed to be their year, this was it! Everyone was on the same page, or so I thought. They were back in the studio and about to head out on yet another leg of the tour. They had so many plans and I was sure they were headed for another pedestal in their career. But as I sit here now and think of the future, I fear it’s not possible. And why? Because two members of the group just can’t seem to keep their heads in the right place. And I don’t understand why, after all they have been through and how far they have both come, they would jeopardize everything they have for a few shots of booze.

It was Nick’s 29th birthday. He told me he wanted to have more than one party to celebrate his last year in his twenties. I thought it was a great idea. He had come so far in the past couple years he deserved to have a good time. His management helped him set up a few parties in Canada; a place he always said he had a good time. The first party was the day after his actual birthday and I knew not many of his friends or family would be able to go so I decided to plan a surprise party for him at one of his favorite clubs in LA. I gathered some of his closest friends and family a couple days before his birthday and was thrilled to see the look on his face when he entered the club and realized what was going on. At that moment I couldn’t have asked for anything more. But as the nigh went on I could sense that something wasn’t right. I didn’t think twice about having the party at a club. Nick had been out plenty of times since getting clean and although he did have his bumps in the road at the beginning it had been a long time since he had had any problems. And of course AJ had been sober for over 6 years now so it never even crossed my mind that it would be an issue.

It was nearing eleven and obviously quite a few people were getting drunk. Everyone was having a great time but as I started mingling around I could hear people talking and what they were saying I did not want to hear. Rumors began circling that AJ was getting pretty wasted after taking some shots and enjoying some beers. I had talked to AJ when he first arrived earlier that night and he seemed like his same old self; glad to be out with his good friends. I had seen him a few times throughout the night and didn’t notice anything to cause me to worry but now I was. And as I pushed my way around the club trying desperately to locate AJ, an even bigger fear came to life before my eyes. I had arranged for an 80’s band to come play for Nick and he was having a blast hamming it up with them on stage all night. I could hear them talking to the crowd getting everyone hyped up and just as I spotted AJ sitting at the bar with a half empty bottle of beer in hand, I looked up to see Nick downing a shot someone had given him. I watched on in disbelief as both men threw away years in just one night.

I had hoped that Nick had only been caught up in the moment and it wouldn’t spiral out of control but I had no idea what had made AJ decide to drink again. AJ and I were friends, not like Nick and I, but close enough that I thought for sure I would have known if something was going on with him. I guess not because by the time I reached him he was already wasted. I knew I had to get him out of there; away from the alcohol and the people who were obviously no help at all. As I approached him I could see a sadness in his eyes I hadn’t noticed before. I felt so helpless as I sat beside him and for the first time realized how lost he looked. I said his name in a way that he must have known I was disappointed in him because before I could say anything else he was shaking his head and telling me he didn’t want to get into it. I didn’t want to make a scene either so I did the only thing I could think of, I called him a cab. He definitely was not driving himself home, I couldn’t leave because I still had to deal with Nick and I was not going to send him home with someone who had stood by all night watching him do this to himself. Luckily he didn’t argue but it wasn’t until we started to walk out of the club that I noticed how drunk he really was. He could hardly walk on his own; stumbling all over the place. I wanted so badly to know why he had done this but I knew it wasn’t the right time or place to try and hash things out. I made sure to let him know as he was getting in the cab that he would have to talk about it soon because he was not getting off that easy. As I watched his cab drive away my worried thoughts of AJ quickly turned back to Nick and I suddenly realized I had left him alone in the club after watching him take a shot.

As I re-entered the club I prayed that I wouldn’t walk in and find Nick with another drink in his hand. But I did. He was now sitting at our table, sipping on what looked to be like a rum and coke, with a bunch of people swarming around him. Between what had just happened with AJ and now Nick I was feeling so many emotions running through me. I was sad that it had gotten this far for AJ and no one had picked up it and I was angry he let it get so out of control without telling anyone. I was feeling the same things towards Nick except I was more mad because I had a feeling he knew exactly what he was doing and he was choosing not to stop. I knew he could see the anger in my eyes as I approached the table and he decided the best way to handle the situation was to pretend like I wasn’t there. Just like AJ he wasn’t getting off that easy. I pushed my way through the random people hoarding the table and once I was close enough I knew he could hear me I sternly told him we needed to talk. Thankfully he got the picture and we found a corner to get away from the crowd. I had hoped he was going to say something to explain himself but instead he stood there with his arms crossed looking at me like he had done nothing wrong, waiting for me to say something. I couldn’t believe he was going to try and brush off what had just happened like it was nothing. It was so much more than nothing, it was his life!

After finally convincing him that it was time to go we began to make our way out of the club. As we made our way to the waiting cars he was taken off guard when I got into his car instead of mine. There was no way I was letting him off that easy tonight, he wasn’t drunk enough to not be able to talk to me. I could get my car later, this was more important. He was quiet the whole way to his place and I knew when I looked over at him starring out the window that the extent of his actions were starting to catch up with him. After the cab dropped us off and we made our way inside it felt like forever that we didn’t talk. I wanted him to make the first move so I waited at the kitchen island with a coffee in hand while he moved around the house. Finally just as I was giving up and about to leave he grabbed my arm and whispered “I’m sorry”. I knew he was sorry, that’s why he wouldn’t say anything. If he felt like he had done nothing wrong we would have been in a full on screaming match by now; I wanted to know why he did it. He finally opened up; that he got weak and he couldn’t resist anymore. It was too much being onstage in front of all those people, egging him on. He felt like he deserved it because it was his birthday and he felt like it was okay to drink every once in a while; that he could control it. But then he realized that even one drink can lead to more and caused him spiral. I was glad he had come to terms with what his actions meant but in that moment I came to my own realization; that Nick will always struggle with alcohol. Unfortunately for him that is his lifestyle, it’s everywhere he goes and it’s a part of being who is; being in the band. I guess I’m going to have to constantly remind him that his life is so much more important than any of that lifestyle is. If he wants to live and stay the person he worked so hard to become he’s going to have to learn to continue to work at it everyday.

It turns out that AJ had relapsed a few months back and has been struggling ever since. Just like Nick, AJ is in a constant battle with the daemons that are inside of him. I don’t think anyone really knows what battles AJ faces expect for AJ. It saddens me to know that he struggles enough in life to feel the need to turn to alcohol to help fix his problems but I have hope that in time he can once again overcome any obstacles he faces and one day we will see the old Alex we know and love. I also know that Nick is going to continue to struggle in the future; that one day he will have another drink or even two. He’s going to have his ups and down’s just like everyone else. I just hope, for both of them, that these relapses don’t lead to bigger consequences down the road like a falling out with the band or even worse, loosing their life.

THE END