I stared at my wall for quite sometime. In my mind i was dreaming all about what it would be like to finally meet Nick Carter. I was short compared to him and most of all not being the blondes that he normally likes, I was a brunette. My mind would raced as i was thinking of all sorts of things then i was startled when i heard his voice sing I Got You. In fact, i didnt even realize that he was on a loop. From this, i was out of my dream world would my telephone rang. "Hello?" "Hey Haylee, Guess What?" said my best friend Mellie. "What?" "You and I are going to the backstreet boys' concert tonight!!" "Oh My God!" I jumped up and down knowing that my future dream might finally be coming true. "When Is It?" "Tonight!! i already said that, were u even listening?" "Um yeah, i was just.." "Yeah quit dreaming of nick and get ready" "Ok" As soon as i hung up all i could think about was seeing Nick up on the stage. Just staring at him for a couple of hours was fine with her.
~~~~~~~~
"We are here." "I know, im so nervous." It was true. I was nervous cause mellie didnt mention the fact that we were front roll. When we got in the doors, we took our seats after of course getting some bsb t-shirts. Then the first song began to play. I was nervous cause i heard him. Nervous cause i was gonna see the owner of that voice of an angel. Then all of sudden my mind was focused again in reality. He was right there in front of me. Looking down and smiling. For some reason it was like he was staring right into my eyes or maybe he wasn't? But i truly liked the performance, well the whole concert in fact. When it was all over mellie and i were getting ready to leave and i took so many pictures and just couldn't believe he stood so close to me. We didnt have the backstage passes so we truly in fact were leaving the concert until someone had tried to....

Bam!

Ow!

Crash!

I fluttered my eyes a couple of times, thinking maybe i just dreamed of everything. Thinking i would find my surroundings of my room. I found a pair of eyes that were blue. Knowing that mellie doesn't have blue eyes.
"Hey, how are you feeling?"
"Fine, what happened?" I tried to sit up but the person wouldn't let me. Boy, did i know why the person wouldn't let me. I was way dizzy and i finally was focusing more into who the person was. When i grabbed the person for balance. I realized who i was holding onto. I was holding onto Nick Carter.
"What's wrong?"
"Oh nothing, it's just i waited so long to meet you. How did i get here?"
"Someone attacked you and your friend. She's with her boyfriend right now and i told her id look after you."
"But you didn't have too, I just.. im sorry your making me nervous." "Oh dont worry about it. Im actually nervous myself. I never saved someone like that before." "Whao, What? You saved me?" "Yes, you seem surprise by that." "Well i..i..i dont know what to say to that nick." "Just call it whatever you like. Oh, Whats your name?" "Haylee Thomas" "Ok, ill remember that because i also remember staring at you when we were doing the concert. Well hey listen if your gonna be ok now, im gonna run. It was nice to meet you and ill keep you in mind the second time we meet. Ok?" "Oh Ok well bye nick." "Bye"
When he walked out the door, i felt a little heartbroken but i knew he was gonna keep his word. I know that because a few monthes later and a little sign from god with a little push sent me right back into him. Maybe this was a dream or maybe not?

I stood in the store watching nick go by. I didnt realize it was him until i saw him waving at me like a goofball. I walked over to say hi then realized he wasnt waving to me instead it was someone else. Then i was caught off guard when he said my name. "Haylee, what's wrong? i was calling your name and you just stood there." "Im sorry nick. I just thought you were waving to someone else. What's up with you mr. nick?" He chuckled a laugh that made me smile and then said "well im good. But i was thinking of you for the longest time. Are you doing anything tomorrow?" In my mind i was asking myself was he really asking me out and then again i was trying to say yes. This part wasn't a dream. He was really asking me. "No. why?" "I wanna take you out for dinner and maybe swing by to see AJ and the others." "Oh well ok. i can do that." "Well.." "Well what?" "Your number and all" "Well nick u didnt say what time" "Around seven. Do i always have to be specific with you?" "Oh no, nick you will learn. I am kidding. Here's my number and address." "Well, ok ill see you then." We turned away from each other until i heard nick scream behind me. "Oh, and i knew you were kidding. You will learn too." I laughed to myself when i heard him say that but then again maybe he was right. Later that night i went to sleep dreaming of what my date would be like with him the next day. Who knows?

I was nervous again but then again i was always nervous about being with him. This would only be the third time i was around him though. He had so much affect on me and i didnt know why. Did i make him feel this way too? I dont know. But anyways here i am getting ready and now the doorbell is going. Or maybe its my imagination because it was suppose to be seven but it was an hour early. "Hey, wow, you look beautiful." Ok Maybe it's not. "Thank you nick. You dont look bad yourself." "Why thanks beautiful. Ready?" "Yep. you?" "Yep." We left the house and we were in his car. Both of us not talking and i really dont understand why. My mind was running a mile a minute but still nothing. Until Nick spoke. "I hope you like dolphins." "Yes, i love them. I think thats one thing we have in common." "Really? Well i think your going to love the place im going to take you for our first date." Oh there he said it. It was a date. I could do a happy dance but i rather just kiss him and tell him everything i always dream of saying to him. Then again i didnt know if i could or not. "Is that so nick?" "Yep" He smiled when he said that. "Well here we are. Wait, let me open the door and let me close your eyes. I am sure you will love it." Feeling scared and nervous when he stepped out. I was more nervous when he slipped his hands over me to cover my eyes. I felt his breath on my neck and almost freak cause it tickled. But it felt so right especially when i open my eyes and saw a boat. The boat was for taking dolphin trips on it so you could see the dolphins in the wild and were able to swim with them.
~~~~~~
"How do you feel right now?"
"I feel good. I am tired. I had so much fun today." He sat next to me and put his arm around me.
"Me too. Your the first girl i have done this for. I dont know but with you, i feel like me. I feel as if i dont need anything else. The sad part is this is the third time we have been together and haylee you make me feel as if i known you all my life." Was i truly dreaming when he said all of that. All i truly wanted to say is i love you but i really dont know. "Nick, thats the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me. This is beautiful."
I layed close to him as we watch the sunset then we left. I was about to meet the guys. This should be interesting.
~~~~~~~
May of 2008
We arrived at this big house with a guy standing at the door. I couldnt make out his face from the long drive but then we got closer. "Thats Brian" "Yes thats brian" I could hear him chuckle and smirk when he heard me say that. We pulled up and put the car in park. "Hey Brian this is haylee." "Hey Haylee. I am Brian." "Hey." We walked in with brian and nick introduced me to all the guys. Then we sat down and talked. Nick seemed like a laid back guy when with the boys. Even though we were playing video games, nick and i kept getting into it like play fighting. Kevin told us to knock it off because we were rolling around on the floor and nick kept pinning me. Then licking my face. They laugh at us then kevin told nick to stop being a dog."I am not a dog. I am a boy." "Oh yeah, nick a real boy." Brian and i laughed at his joke. AJ kept his eye on me then pulled me aside and said he needed to have a conversation with me. This scared me a little bit and made me wonder what was gonna happen to me and nick.

I walked into the kitchen after kevin and nick were going at it. I pulled something out of the freezer when AJ had come up behind me.
"Hey AJ."
"Hey, I came in here to talk to you. Do you have a second?" "Yea, what is this about?"
We sat down at the table. And AJ proceeded with his questions.
"So you really love nick?"
"Yea, he's amazing. He's more amazing than what i thought he would be."
"Well, Im warning you be careful with him."
"Oh, well i never would hurt him or do anything like that to him."
"No, i am give you the warning. Nick attends to be..well.. he's amazing at first then things attend to happen. He just doesn't know love. He's a dreamer in all of it. He attends to hurt so he hurts others. Us guys dont get affected by it because we handle him but the girls hes always with either are stuck up or if they truly love him...he pushes away."
"So your saying Nick doesn't know how to love?"
"No Im saying that i dont think nick knows love and with the exception that he doesn't know how. Just dont say i love you. You'll never hear it from him. At least i dont think any of us guys here him say it."
"Oh. Ok. So what do i do then?"
"Just be with him. Let the road take you where you go and hey, i am always here if you need me. ALWAYS."

~~~~~~~~~
Feb. 2009

With the conversation still ringing in my ear when nick dropped me off. I truly felt shattered. It was like both of us know what the hurt is but we cant take our bad relationships back and make ours better. I felt bad. I watched him drive away with a smile on his face. This told me that this would be our beginning of the end. AJ said he was a dreamer of love. Well, in that case i was a dreamer myself. It made us one at the thought of that. I wouldn't know what was in store for us and at this time i didnt care. Over the next few monthes i didnt care. I was with him and i was in love with him. I thought that was enough for us. I was wrong. I wrote a journal entry of May of 2008. It described our first date. I noticed how much in love he was. It was written in his smile and in those eyes. Now i just see my dreamer gone in the shadows somewhere. AJ was right when that conversation happen. Nick hurts those who love and care for him. He pushed me away also. But i never saw who he would push me too as in always being there. Even when that person was already in love with someone else, they would take the time to listen to me. I only wanted him to see that.

~~~~~~~~~~
July 22, 2008

The fights would get worse. His words became stronger. I watch brian sit across from me like he's trying to read me as if i was a puzzle peice. Nick was in the bunk tonight and sleeping. He's my dreamer when he sleeps. Then during the day, hes not what i thought he would be. AJ was right. He pushes love away. He pushes me away. I love him but i feel so close to AJ these days. He gets mad about this. He gets mad for me writing in here when he knows i cant just be locked up on the tour bus all day with just tv and games. I need to talk and i need to confide. Everytime i do with him, he doesnt listen anymore. He spaces out. He use to listen and now AJ or brian are there. He doesnt like AJ anymore. He gets mad. But he doesnt understand. Brian keeps staring. I think he notices the bruise. I tried. Oh man i have to go to bed. Nick'll be mad. I am sorry. i love him and ill talk more later.

~~~~
"Goodnight Brian."
"Goodnight"
Haylee laid down in her bunk and brian and the others were asleep except for nick.
"OW!!! Nick Let Go!"
"No, what the hell is this?" He threw the book at her as he ripped her out of her bunk.
"Nick, dude do you know what time.....LET GO OF HER!!!" AJ yelled and then brian woke up.
"What's going on? Oh my god haylee are you ok?"
"What's wrong with you? Huh? "DO YOU LIKE IT?" AJ grabbed nick and threw him in the front of the bus on the couch.
"NO!!! BUT WHAT THE HELL? SHE'S CHEATING ON ME!! AND MOST OF ALL WITH YOU"
"No she's not. Your making excuses. Your tired and your trying to find a way out of love so shut up and go to bed now NICKOLAS GENE!"
Haylee looked up and finally spoke. "Leave him alone. It's my fault."
"No, sweetie it isnt. He shouldn't have done that to you." Brian rubbed her back. Nick came over and sat next to haylee.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. You can write all you want. I'm sorry"
"Go to bed nick"
"I will. Forgive me?" He gave her that smile that told her she had dreamer back a little.
"Yes. But go to bed."
"Ok."
Nick headed for the bed and haylee sat there and talked to AJ while brian headed back too and went to sleep.
"Are you ok girl?" He handed her something to drink and a blanket.
"Yeah, i am fine."
"What is up with nick thinking that your cheating on him with me?"
"Because my journal entry talked about how much we talk now and how close we were."
"Oh, well that would explain it." AJ sits next to her and puts his arm around her as she attends to fall asleep on him.
"You know, he loves you. Its just hard for him. He's trying to learn. You have me and brian to listen to you. BUT open up to him. It might help. He loves you a lot haylee. Just stay with him and give him a chance."
"Hmm. i havent done anything. He went hysterical on me. I love him AJ. It gets hard. I feel like it's not worth this much then when i am with you, you make it better. You make it like how i use to feel when me and nick met. I love that feeling. I just wish it was nick instead of you."
"I know. I am sorry that you feel that way. It'll be better. I promise. I dont know what's wrong with him but he needs to know how special you are."
"I know. Good night AJ"
She ended up falling to sleep on the couch with AJ. Only thing is Nick wakes up to find them.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

"Nick, it isnt what it looks like."

~~September 1, 2008~~

It was all i could manage before he sent me on a plane right back to home. Everything became unglued and died in front of my hands. Nick went off like a crazy person and then somewhere in the fight that he was having with AJ, he just hit me. It wasn't his fault i got into it with him. But then again Brian and AJ both caught it. Then they stopped Nick from doing it again. I dont understand why they care at that moment. They saw the abuse for monthes, i guess it took Nick to really hit me in front of them to set them off. Stupid I know but oh well. My life is going ok but then AJ called yesterday and told me that i should come out and fix things with Nick. He had been miserable and he just moped around. I thought i could but who knows. Nick was complicated and i knew that. So tomorrow journel ill be with the guys and i dont know if thats a good idea.

~~~~~~

"Hey Haylee."
"Hey AJ. So?"
"He's in the back"
I wasnt expecting the way i was feeling. It was like i was meeting him all over again. Then the unrealistic thing happen. He was on the stage in front of the fans singing with their opening act which was Secondhand Serenade. He was singing "Your Call" and then i heard him say it. Me? I know i didnt hear him say me but the thing is he did. He was telling everyone how much he loved me and that this song had a special place for him. It brought tears to my eyes and I sat there and waiting for their opening act to get done and then the boys would get up there and sing. Then I went in the back where i knew nick would be.

"Your Here?"
"Yeah"
He gave me a hug and then looked at me with that smile and those beautiful blue eyes. The ones i could never forget or wouldn't ever have to worry about saying its ok too. Somehow i felt him again but then again he snatches it away always.
"Nick your hugging me so tight"
"I know i wanted tell you im sorry for the wrong i did and most of all hitting you like that. You know i would never do that."
"I know that baby and im sorry for making you think about me and AJ."
"It's ok. We are ok right?"
"Yes"
"Ok. Let me kiss those lips of yours."
"Ok nickolas."
His kisses would always be one thing i missed most and the way my hand would fit perfectly with his. We were doing ok. At least for a couple of weeks.

~September 23,2008~

Today was the best day of my life. Nick and i went out for the most wonderful picnic in the world. We made it to the house just in time before the rain started and it was amazing. It was one of those scenes you would catch in a chick flick movie. Rain was coming at the end of a sunset picnic. No, he didnt purpose but the look in his eyes told me he wanted too. Well, im going to stop my journel entry here and see what the romantic man is doing himself.

~~

I didnt knock on his door because it was cracked but i could hear him talking. As soon as i heard those words "I Love You that girl means nothing to me.", i kicked his door open letting him know i heard and then i ran down the hall. I was packing my bags when he came in.
"What do you think your doing?"
"What does it look like im doing?"
"It's not what it seems."
"Oh is it nick? Because what i heard sounded like it was what it was."
"Haylee, stop please." He grabbed my arms.
"Let me go nick."
"No"
"YES"
"NO DAMN IT!"
"Fine nickolas"
I broke free and packed more.
"Where will you go?"
"Somewhere away fromy your laying,cheating and no good self. I trusted you. I defended you. I was there and you dont care nick. You use me."
I didnt do what other girlfriends would do. I didnt slap him and i didnt cry. I just walked out and out the front door, leaving my key behind.

~~

I went to AJ's. It was the only place i could go and i was there for a while because the scent of nick on my pillow began to fade and it was like he was never there. I cried sometimes and AJ knew it. AJ also knew the fact of the hell ive been through and he knew the stories and the feelings. Not to mention He dealt with his own stories but that comes later. Here i was waiting for AJ to get home and i didnt like being this way. I missed Nick and i knew it but i cant go back. AJ was home.
"Hey girl."
"Hey"
AJ sat next to me.
"Are you ok?"
"One of those days. Just one of those days."
"Aw."
It was weird because he wrapped his arms around me and held me close. This was different for me.
"AJ?"
"Alex if you perfer."
"Ok. AJ. I like this. I mean you holding me and all. It's soothing after a long day."
"I know. I like it too."
The next thing i knew he kissed my forehead and then we kissed. Oh my god. It was magical and perfect but it felt different from Nick's soft lips. It was different period and most of all it be more different and weird when the guys had a meeting tomorrow and i had to see Nick.

"AJ!!!"
"What?"
"Put me the hell down."
"No, im carrying you in like this so you deal with it."

Yes Alexander James Mclean walked me into their meeting with me over his shoulder. As i recall i had begged him not to make me see nick but instead he made me do it. Inside of me i wanted to cry because i had been with AJ the night before and i couldnt bear to look at nick as he came in the room.It hurt so much that i ran out the first two times and AJ or Brian always came right after. I didnt understand and i wasnt so sure if Nick knew what had happened last night. I sat acrossed from Nick and he stared at me as if he knew exactly what i was hiding. But why should i care? I left him because he cheated on me. Cold hearted cheated on me... ME.. the best thing has ever happened to him. Sounds a little self centered but Brian told me so himself. Now i remember sitting there listening to their manager tell them a hundred and million in one things that i just couldnt do myself. I thought they were superheroes the way things worked out for themselves.

"Nick, quit looking dazed."
"Im not."
"No hes staring at haylee. My Girlfriend1"
"Your girlfriend?"
"Yes my girlfriend"

And oh no the yelling was the start of it all.

"How is she your girlfriend? She is my girlfriend."

"No she isnt. Nick, she left you and technecially she can date whoever she wants."

"But i never said i was dating you AJ. We just had sex is all."

Oh my god i didnt say that. I didnt say that, not in front of Nick. God the look in his eyes as if i had crushed his heart but he shouldn't care. I mean we both didnt care. He was falling apart and he took me with him when he did it too. His face turned red and there he went. His anger! I know Nick enough to tell you that his anger was enough for even Kevin to show up and as i recall he did. But that comes later.

"You Asshole! You had sex with my girlfriend"

"Yes, i did nick. I dont know why you let her get away. Shes good at love making and being caring."

"Shut up. Dont you talk about her."

"Why Nick? Are you mad because you messed up. Little Carter Boy screwed up and he cant have things be his way again. You know what Nick? You did screw up because shes a good girl and you had to be stupid."

"Im not stupid. I just get messed up."

"On what nick. On what?"

"You dont understand AJ"

"LIKE HELL I DONT BOY!"

"DONT YELL AT ME YOU FREAK! AND NO YOU DONT!"

"YES I DO AND IM NOT A FREAK I CAN KEEP MY THING WHERE IT BELONGS. SO WHY CANT YOU? YOUR THE ONE THATS A SCREW UP NICK NOT ME"

"DAMN YOU"

There went the first punch. Everyone saw it was going to come down to it. I feel like its my fault but nick's temper was hard to control and he was going to crack and he did. He gave AJ the black eye and then AJ turned around and punched him back. It was a fist fighting contest and then Kevin. My hero of the day showed up and he grabbed Alex and Nick away from each other. Then Alex put Nick in jail for the night.

~~~~~~~~

~October 6,2008~
I remember my way home that night and i remember crawling in the bed crying. I didnt even care if AJ had a black eye. He knew how to take care of it. I was worried about nick. AJ got the best of him and that scared me so much. I wanted to pray to god but what good does that do? God gave away my heart to a man who wont ever love and im stuck in this dream with a guy whos willing to love me but my heart is taken from outside of me. I remember yesterday as a blur. I went to sleep that night. I went back to the day we met and our first date. How i wanted to tell nick that whole day just how much i loved him. God i still do but hes so far away in a world of unknown to us and most of all to me. In this dream i was light for him to follow home to. I just hope i shine bright
enough for him. I woke up this morning and my heart sunk. I found a note on the doorstep. It was from nick.

As i remember opening the door that morning my life changed forever i was going to be with AJ permenantly. But i had no reason to stay with AJ at all. He was just going to be there when Nick and i were ready to be together again but instead i find his note. I tried not to cry when reading it but i did. And i hid it from AJ. My note was as follows...

Dear haylee, i know i never really told you how much you mean to me or even showed you just how much i care. I know i ended breaking your heart but it wasnt my intention. I know ill never say the words you want to hear most and mean it. I know i was never there when you needed me to be. All you ever did was love me and care for me. I know thats hard for me to find now these days and when i had it threw it away like candy. i know your hurting but youll hurt more now because im leaving you for good. im leaving you to clear my head and my soul. i promise god had plans for us in the future. i can feel it haylee. you have to trust me even though i know you cant. im sorry my lovebug. but its the way it is for us. Be with AJ he'll keep you safe i promise. and i wont say it here not now but ill say it somday. but ill be with you baby i will. and again im sorry!

It was all i could read before my legs gave out and i cried. the best love in my life had left and i cried all my tears out

~~~~

I looked up only to find nobody standing in front but AJ behind me. He saw my tears running down my face and then he read the note. He held me close and told me Nick couldnt have got that far but the thing is, he was wrong. I remember all the phone calls that we had made to everyone. No one knew where he was. His family didnt know where he went and Brian was the only friend that he had stopped by too. The tears ran down my face when he told me Nick had handed him his necklace and said that it would be special if it had stayed with me. I didnt know if i could take it but i knew that i should.See, the thing is Nick had my heart but he didnt know it. So we carried something that was special for the both of us. I think he felt that he had it but im not sure. I remember that first night that he was gone. It plays like a haunting for me because it was the first time i ever really told anyone how much i cared. That comes later in this entry. It comes after the fight that everyone gets into. Then after the fact that AJ and Brian really didnt know. I stood there in the doorway. Calling and making trips around the city. Why did he do this? I dont know but i do know, I was scared. What if he was dead somewhere. Then again i feel like i would that from him. Honestly i did feel him even during the monthes we were together even that first meet. How did i choose to block it out? One I was truthfully terrified of nick knowing the emotions. Two, honestly i didnt think nick could be in love. Three, he made me repressed them by not showing me his emotions back. I stared wide eyed at the phone until Kevin showed up. It was good when "big brother" walked in. Nervousness was the only thing i could really feel. Except for the hand that was so foreign to me, had squeezed my hand.

"He cant be found." said Kevin.

"He has to be somewhere it was almost midnight."

"Yes, Brian. I know. Has anybody heard to see if Howie had any information?"

"He said he would call if he knew or found anything."

Hearing AJ say those words was if Nick had gone to the store. It tore my heart because at that moment when i thought that, he wasn't in my feeling anymore. I was blind by the dark.


"Guys, please find him."

"Why? You're the reason why he left anyways. If it wasnt for you and AJ he wouldnt consider of doing something this stupid."

"Kevin.."

"No BRIAN!! IM RIGHT! SHE DIDNT CARE MUCH OF HIM. ALL SHE DID WAS KILL HIM INSIDE."

"HE WAS DEAD BEFORE SHE EVEN GOT WITH HIM. KEVIN AND YOU KNEW THAT."

"AJ BUTT OUT. ITS BETWEEN ME AND HAYLEE."

"Haylee, talk to kevin about why he is wrong."

"IM NOT WRONG IM RIGHT."

"STOP FUCKING YELLING KEVIN"

"STOP IT ALL OF YOU"

I finally screamed that out before Howie had walked in. I sat down and i prepared to finally tell them everything. I did too. I cried in my hands before i finally said it.


"GIVE ME A REASON TO STOP YELLING"

"BECAUSE I DO CARE AND I DO LOVE HIM. GOD CANT YOU SEE HOW MUCH ITS KILLING ME!"

"Oh wow!"

I felt Brian and AJ both sit beside me. Brian had put his arm around me. I cried even more.

"You love him. How come you never told him or told us?

"Because AJ told me to never say it. That Nick couldn't feel it or say it back."

"AJ, You deserve to get a slap on the head."

"I didn't know that she would have listen to me. I just told her so she didnt end up hurt. I knew she loved him. Its that look in her eyes. C'mon, tell me you never seen it in her?"

"Well i never really payed attention."

"Ok, stop please this is about nick. Not my emotions of nick."

"Yes, shes right."

"Maybe she can bring him back."

"But he isnt coming back, Howie."

We spend the next few hours coming up with plans but they all failed in the end. I layed on the couch. Hell, I couldn't sleep because we stayed at his house that night. I couldn't sleep in his room. Well it use to be our room. I got so over emotional even just by walkin in there. How could i even sleep in the house without losing my mind? I guess god was telling me something that night after all.

Monthes Pass....

Nobody found nick that night. Everyone was concerned and we keep looking for him til this day. I cried the first couple of nights. I wouldnt leave his house. I couldnt look at a picture without thinking something of him. I didnt know where he was. But i knew he was alive. I felt him in every bone i had. AJ and i grew closer when the monthes pass. It hit me hard when they considered him as a missing person. I lay my head down tonight with his face in my mind. I walk up in the morning with AJ laying beside me. He keeps me sane but not sane enough. Im missing him after everything we been through. But yet i still feel safe.

Meanwhile...

Nick walked in the rehab center.

"Hi, im nick carter and i need help."

CONTINUE.....