I remember the note i left on her doorstep. The tears that ran down my face. I even remember walking away, getting in the car, and driving away. As I did pull out of AJ's drive, I was stuck listening to Haylee's song and i just wanted to cry harder. Just like a girl would do in one of those chick flick movies. You know where, the girl is driving down the road with her head almost down and they cant see straight cause of the tears. Then it just happens that the rain just starts to pour. Well, at least the rain didnt pour. Im starting to think im crazy now because i dont know why i feel so much. I got half way down out of California and i went by Haylee's favorite place. It's like everything i see is her and I don't know why. "Great, nothing can go the way i plan."
I was sitting there and thinking im not even talking to myself. Then i realized I truly was talking to myself. I got out of my car and looked at the flat i had on my tire. "God could this get any worse?" Then it hit me. I guess it could. I stood there and an old man walked up to me. "Hello, young man. Need any help?" "Yes sir. Thank you" The old man looked me over a couple of times and then finally asked me what was wrong.I didnt know if i should tell him my problems but i knew i should have. Then again I did when he got my tire fixed and he asked me if i could give him a lift. I told him yeah and that i didnt mind. Then i should have mind. I went crazy when the old man had got into the vehicle. What was this feeling? I never got nervous or scared. I felt like
I was getting farther away from Haylee when the old man had got into my car.

"What is this?"
"Hey sir, that's private stuff please dont go through that."
"Is it your girlfriend?"
"No ex. Now stop please. I dont want to talk about it."
"You'll have to sooner or later. So which is it?"

I had no self control of this situation. Was this Old fart really for real? I didnt want to talk about Haylee but who am i kidding? I looked over at him and just sighed. There wouldn't be any real way of explaining. Not my disappearing and most of all the pain I had caused Haylee. I was into a situation I couldn't run from. I mean, yes I could just opened my door and kicked the old man out. Should have done that as I look back now. I could have just kept on driving but then I would look like a bad guy. "I'm not a bad guy. I just get confused is all." Oh boy, I said that too loud. I wonder if he'll ask me. "Just keep looking straight, carter." I did too. My eyes stayed focused on the road. I wasn't saying a word not here and not now.

"You'll talk about her sooner or later son. So spill it."
"I just want to rewind time you know."
"Did you hurt her?"
"Yes."
"Son, time will mend broken hearts and broken places."
"I know but I still be the bad guy. Im not a bad guy though. I'm just confused is all."
"Son, keep driving and I'll give you a life that you'll never want to see your girl go through."

Nick drove for a long time and waited for the old man to say "stop."


~~~


The car came to stop and the old man got out without ever saying a word. He had a strange look before turning to me. It was like a deep sorrow look. Then all
of sudden, he spoke up. He pointed as he looked me in the eyes. His voice burned my ears and i heard Haylee. It hurt me cause I was hearing her for a first in
the last couple of days. Then i noticed something, she was in pain. I stayed where i was standing when i had gotten out. I was staring at the old man. He looked
at me as if he knew how much i wanted to go running to her. The thing is, i hurt her and i had to stay away...

"Did you know, boy, that shes crying for you right now?"
"She is?"
"Yes, look at me, Nickolas."
"Whao, how did you know my name?"
"I know everyone's name. Anyways, look at me. Do you love her?"
"Well...i.."
"Answer the question, son."
"I dont know."
"Sure, you dont. Thats why you wanted to run to her."
"She sounds hurt. I dont want her hurt. Thats why i left. I was hurting her."
"Son, let me show you this world she is in right now. Trust me, it'll motivate you enough to get help."
"I dont need anything to help me. I was just going to disappear."
"Disappear, you shall."

~~~~

One minute the old man and the truck and leaving was all but just a memory. I didnt forget who I was or what I did. But i forgot her. There's a girl in my mind
that i see all the time. I dont know her name but i know a face. I know shes hurting and yet, i know i dont even exist to the guys. Everything is a bad memory
except for knowing my name or even the band. Yet, they wont remember. I dont know what the old man did to me but i do know that i need to get my life back. My eyes
are opened but im gripping for something that isnt there. I still see her things and her in my mind. A NAME THAT'S TO PAINFUL TO SAY, LET ALONE THINK. How can i
miss her this much? The old man asked me if i loved her, i understand why he asked. He was making sure i wouldnt go crazy in this other life but now i get it."God
help me be stronger and just help me fight for her, for US..." Ill think that everyday if i have too.

~~~

Chapter 2 : Never Existed

I was left with this feeling of regret, of wishing I had never said what I had said. The old man had shipped me off to this other world of alternate reality, of time. I didnt know where I was at first but in soon enough I would find out. I had glanced down to find I was still wearing the right clothes. I was back in California though.

"How did I get back here?" I thought this outloud before i heard a response to my question.

"When I had put you inside of this world, you had come back to California. Your started with a new slate but not everything that has happened to you is gone. So your problem you tend to fix still needs fixing."

"Old man, i have no idea who you are, where i am at, but i am leaving."

"Sorry, you cant. You have no where to go anyway."

I laughed at this guy in my head. Thinking to myself was he seriously for real. I finally looked up at him.

"What are you talking about? Of course I do."
"Young man, do you know what is happening? Do you remember passing out?"

As soon as he asked me, i had remembered. He told me i would disappear forever but what did he mean by that. Was i never born? The questions that were going on in my head, the old man heard.

"How can you hear my thoughts?"
"Your under my control now, nickolas. I control what goes on in life and i know things before they happen."
"My family, my friends, do they remember me?"
"No, your no longer Nick Carter. Your name is Nick still but your last name is Racter."

I looked down as if i felt truly alone now. My name was taken from me. It's like i dont exist but than again i do. What's wrong with this picture? I looked over at the old man who was still explaining how i was to live this life. I hated this with every ounce in me. I still remembered the guys and most of all Haylee. I was to live a life not being Nick Carter but being Nick Racter. Just an ordinary, unknown guy. Backstreet Boys was still a band without me.

"How is this possible?"
"How's what possible"
"This."

I pointed over to the poster that hung on a building.

"Someone else had taken your place. Your not Nick Carter, someone else is."
"WHAT? SOMEONE TOOK MY PLACE."
"Nick, calm down. You wanted to disappear, so here you go. It's like you never existed at all. Just as another person."
"But"

It was no use. I took a seat on the ground and put my face in my hands. I never felt like this. I never felt the urge to cry. I did cry. Not alot just enough to make me sniffle. The old man had put his hand on my shoulder and said that he was sorry. But he wasn't, at least not in my eyes. He made me disappear for good. I dont want to disappear. I love my family. I love my friends. Most of all....... I cant say it. I feel it for her but i cant say it. Haylee is with another man who isnt me. I have to live this life normally. How huh? HOW?

I stood up and looked over to the old man. He didnt say a word just nodded and left. He left me and now i was on my own. I am alone. God this will be like i never existed because i know no one.

~~~

Chapter Three : Unmistakable (Part One)

The night i got here changed my life forever. I was living on my own and i know its only been 5 weeks but i still feel like theres a gap, there's a hole in me. No one rushes over to me and asks for an autograph..
No one asks me who i am or even notices my smile. My famous smirk i always do. The old man was right on my existence and yet i have no idea who he was. But he looked so familar. His face, the winkles,
the smile even the eyes but it didnt jog my memory. Within these few weeks, i thought what the old man said and i lived life normally but i did have my problems so i attended HERE. The Saint Lucus Rehab and Training Center. I didnt check in to rehab. I ended up going to the AA meetings. I still needed help.

"Hi, Im Nick Car...Racter. I need help."

"Ok. sir. What is your guilty pleasure?"
"Excuse me."
"What are you in for, Drugs, alcohol, pills, suicidal...etc.?"
"Oh.. Drugs and Alcohol Abuse."
"Meetings or Checking In."
"Just Meetings."
"Just? Well ok. You're scheduled for these days and these days. If you need more meetings to attend, you may want to take that up with the counselor."
"Ok. Thanks."

Psht. Why am i doing this anyways Carter? Hayl....She's gone and the guys replaced me with someone who isnt me. So what's the point really? It's too get back on my feet that was it. That's truth, i needed to do it or i was going to die.Eventually i would end up dieing one of these days but i want to be old and gray before that ever happened. Not this day. So I am doing this now stop talking to yourself and get home. This was my beginning of my five weeks.


So now this just wasnt the day. Today has been boring. I went surfing on the same beach i always did. Been going to the meetings and they helped alot since five weeks ago. But the more i think about it the more i wish it wasnt so hard. I still dont know nobody. I had no one. No family and no friends. I drove by Brian's new house out here in L.A. but he didnt look the same. He seemed unhappy and he didnt have... Oh My God.. You're dumb Carter.. Or whoever you are. Leighanne and Baylee wasnt with him. What happened? I figure i will drive by his house again tomorrow. I know... it should be against the rules to go see Brian but who knows. I might be a crow in disguise one day and be breaking all the rules anyhow so i might as well just start here right? RIGHT!


~~~

I was driving. I was nervous. I came to his gate while he was outside. He looked like he needed help. I was determined.

"Hey, need some help."
"Sure. Thank you."
"Oh no problem."
"Grab this bag and put it over here."
"Ok, so what are you making?"
"Im redoing my front yard."
"Oh shouldnt you hire a lawn person to do that?"
"Well, yeah but i need something to do. I was attempted so i did it."

I smiled. "Well, that always does some good. Im Nick Racter."

I extended my hand and he grabbed it in return. For once it felt like it was home, just for a minute.

"Im Brian Littrell. What brings you here anyways?"
"I was out for a walk is all."
"Oh, I understand. You married?"
"No. You?"
"Nope. Well, yes. no. I dont know."

I laughed and smiled. Thinking to myself. How does he not know he's married. He should know.

"How do you not know?"
"Well, I live with my girlfriend it's like being married."
I laughed again. "Why's that?"
"Same responsiblities. You should come over for the Bar-B-Q I am having tomorrow. That's if you want too."
"Sure I would love too."
"Great and thank you for the help."
"Your welcome. Anytime."
"I need to get going."
"Me too."
"Nice to meet ya nick."
"You too."

I walked down the pathway and out of his yard before i saw Hayl..HER. What was she doing here? I had no idea but i hid in the bushes so she didnt see me. I saw her kissing another guy. Not JUST any guy. AJ?? What, Why him? Honestly. He has more problems than I do. She takes him. My anger was beginning to flare up and i wanted to rip his head off. I did. I wanted this whole thing to be a DREAM at that very moment but it wasnt. I wouldnt wake up. I was really invited to this bar-b-q that brian was having tomorrow. I was really seeing Haylee kiss AJ. I felt sick. I got to my car without notice and drove home and went to sleep. I wanted a nightmare to end but all i saw was her face with his in a wedding chapel. I woke up scared and screamed at god.

"She isnt suppose to marry him. She isnt suppose to be with him. She's suppose to be with me. Always."

I layed down after i ponder that sentence and went to sleep. Yet, i dont remember ever saying that. It could have been a dream too. I dont know. I was safely sleeping in my bed anyways....


~~~

I woke up the next morning with a hole in all places of my body. I was running on empty and most of all i had to look alive for this bar-b-q. I wasn't ready. I was no where near ready. But i got up, took my shower, got dressed and headed over to Brian's. I still was nervous.

"Hey nick. Glad you could make it. Let me introduce you to everyone. That's my girlfriend aka wife, Leighanne, (he winked at me and i smiled.) That's my cousin Kevin and his wife Kristin. That's Howie and his wife Leigh, and that's AJ and his girlfriend Chelle. Everyone this is Nick. We are missing two more people but when they get here i'll introduce you."
"Ok."

I was way beyond confused. I thought AJ and Haylee would be a couple. They were kissing each other and oh no, Haylee is with that guy who pretends to be me. No. I was on my way of being sick again. I was lost in thought listening to everyone else's conversation while i was listening to my own until they showed up.

"Oh good, you're here."
"Yes Brian we are. Why wouldn't we be?"
"I dont know. Oh I want you to meet someone. Nick come here."
"Yes?"
"This is Nick and his girlfriend Haylee. Guys, this is Nick."
"Haha cool he has the same name as me."
"Dont be rude to him honey. Hi Nick."

She reached to grab my hand and i hesitated.

"Hi."

After the little greets, everyone sat down to eat and than after dinner people started to go home after long hours of talk. I eventually found Haylee on the deck of the house, just watching the sunset. My favorite sight of her has always been right in the sunlight. But now i wasnt anything to her. I was just a face in the crowd tonight. Just someone who was trying to hold on for us. I walked out to her.

"Hey."
"Oh, hi there. I wasnt expecting anyone."
"Sorry."
"Oh no its ok. I just mean no one ever comes out here to talk to me."
"Oh, you know i thought you were with that AJ guy."

She laughed. This was a good thing.

"What makes you say that?"
"I saw you kiss him yesterday."

Her face almost went red.

"Please dont tell no one. Theres nothing going on. If you tell..."

She started to cry.

"Aw. I wont tell but dont cry. Whats wrong?"
"My boyfriend will hit me. You see, he abuses me."

I was pissed. I was ready to kill him with my hands but i did nothing instead i found myself hugging her and reassuring her. She found comfort in me somewhere. Maybe she was holding on with me.

"What do you think about when you look at the ocean?"

She gave me a confused look.

"What do you mean?"
"I saw you staring at the ocean. What do you see?"
"I see a guy that i never met. He's just a face but not a full face cause it always changes. It's like he could be anyone right now."

I smiled and hugged her tighter. Nothing was said at that moment. It's like we were one without truly realizing it. I let go of her when she had to leave and she expected to see me again. I was shocked. Our life together was nothing like that. Well, maybe at the beginning but it got worse along the way. I wanted to see her again. I wanted to hold her like that a million times over but i dont get it. I wasnt trying to feel this. It was like i did lov..... I'll never say it. Ill never think it. Im determined to make it that way. My heart is closed but yet i feel like.... I dont know the words. We parted that night. I told Brian I would be back but didnt know when. When I left, I took the long way by walking in a crowded street, just thinking of how unbelievable the feeling was. When I got home, I went to bed with the image of Haylee hitting the sunlight.

Chapter Four: Vindication Of A Rebel

Waking up the next morning was the last thing i ever wanted to do. The other day was the perfect day as i recall but i hated being in this light of being someone else.
It was going to take a lot of getting use too and a whole lot of journey a long the way. As i was waking up, i gathered some clothes and something to eat before heading
out the door. Today I would be on my way to see Brian, the only friend who remains a friend in this alternate world. Why is that? I thought about that for a while then
realized Brian has always been there no matter what side there was to me. It was a friendship i always needed and always had.

"Thank you Lord."

I shrugged that off as i look into the sky. Yep, today would be different. Today was a new day though it felt like i was living in Hell every hour on the hour. I felt
pain this time around. It wasnt cause of Haylee, it was cause i found myself in the pain. I was bitter. I was mad, hurt, angry not at everyone else but at myself
mostly. I hurt the one good thing in my life. Now i am walking down another street in another world that I do not belong in. And all I seem to know is that i am trying
to make things right on this level. But how can i? Really.. how can i? I've been a rebel for too long. A part of so much vindication in my life that it become all i
wanted.So now i am struggling. I am struggling because i need too, not just for me. For us.

As I thought of that, I kept to my side of the walk way before heading to Brian's front door.

KNOCK-KNOCK

"Hey, Nick. Come In. Leighanne, honey Nick is here."

I smiled big and held my breathe before Leighanne walked in. I gave her a hug and greeted her just as if i had done it a thousand other times before but this time it felt so sincere.

"Nick, sweetie. We are going out on the boat and Haylee wanted to come but she doesnt have her man with her. Do you mind being a stand-in?"
"Of course. It would be a pleasure."

What in the world? "It would be a pleasure" stop messing with my words, old man. Haha maybe it wasnt the old man maybe i was gradually changing. Just maybe doing
something so different. Great AJ was here now. Got to stop thinking otherwise, ill mess up everything. Thinking always seemed to be the trouble.

~~~

They walked in and she was beautiful. She was always beautiful. I kept staring at her as if she would do a trick and finally she looked up and said "what?" I looked up at her.

"Nothing."
"What's wrong, Nick?"
"Nothing. Just looking at you."
"Oh. Well could I talk to you, alone?"
"Ok."

She pulled a hold of me and dragged me to the deck of the house. Her eyes reached out to me. I never seen that look on her face before. Scared, sad, may it was depression. It seemed like i was seeing something more clearly
than that. It was like seeing her be herself but in the pain i was putting her through. I prepared myself to what she was going to say as i continue to observe her. I wasn't ready to hear it but than i did.

"He hit me once again."
"He hit you? Haylee..."
"No dont say it. I already know what you'll say before you say it."
"No you dont. You listen to me, if he keeps hitting you i wont stand back and watch him do it. Ill do something about it."
"Like what? Why do you even care?"
"Cause I do and stop questioning me. Just trust me."

I shushed her up and put my arms around her, holding her close to me. For a first I felt like my life was very much complete. I was very calm and I didnt feel the urge to yell or scream. I was once again in a place
that I felt once before. It felt like how it did when i saw the sunshine bounce off of Haylee's body. Everything felt so right but yet so wrong. I wasnt who i was suppose to be. A part of me just wanting to scream out
and tell her what was going on. But it would probably make me look like im crazy so i just went with it. I stopped thinking when i felt her move a little in my arms.

"Are you asleep?"
"No, i was just thinking what it was like to be held like this. Its been so long since i could hear my own thoughts in my head. All he does is slam, accuse, argue, and fight with me. I can feel alone in this world
sometimes and than i think i already am. You want to know something."
"What, haylee."
"I use to call him my dreamer. Now i dont even know my dreamer. I only get him when hes sleeping."
"Oh."

I kept quiet as i listen to her and eventually Brian and Leighanne went out on the boat without us. I brushed my hand through her hair and listen to her sweet voice. The only thing is i wonder why she called me her dreamer.
I had questions for that but i didnt want to ask. I just let her keep talking to me and let her pour out her feelings and mind. I listen until it was quiet. She fell asleep so i picked her up and took her into the spare bedroom
in Brians house.

"Shhhh... its ok hay.. i got you. Go back to sleep."

I watch her turn over and she grabbed my shirt. I tried to make her let go but I just ended up being in the bed with her. I put my arm around her and fell asleep to the sound of both of our hearts beating together as one..
Tomorrow was going to be different.

Chapter Five:

Indeed the next morning was different. I woke up with Haylee not there. She was watching me at the edge of the bed. I must say she looked
cute this way. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were just beading out at me.

"Why are you staring at me?"
"What happened last night?"

I should have saw this question coming.

"Nothing much. You were talking to me about Nick and you fell asleep in my arms last night so i carried you to the bed. Then you wouldnt let go
of my shirt."
"Oh, sorry about that."
"Haylee, you dont have to apologize to me all the time."
"I know, but I do anyways."

I smiled at her and told her she could come back and lay in the bed with me. She did surprisely. So i wrapped my arms around her again and this
time with a passion I didn't let her go....

When we did decide to finally get out of bed, she looked up at me while I smiled and whispered.

"What do you want to eat?"
"I don't know ,anything that sounds good."
"Alright becon, eggs, and toast."

I winked and smiled at her before heading off the bed. I went downstairs before I realize I was in Brian's house making her something to eat.
But then again, I found a note from Brian and Leighanne both saying to make ourselves at home. So I attended on just doing that, I wanted
this day to be special for Haylee, for the both of us. It was like everything fell right into place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After I made us breakfast, the conversations just came out of us. It was like getting to know one another all over again. It was like looking
at this from a whole new light. As we finished breakfast, we decided that we would just lay back on the couch and spend our time watching a
movie. Something felt so right with this picture. Hell, everything felt right. For once, Nick didn't feel like he was a mistake or mixed up
at all. He wrapped his arms around Haylee gracefully and she leaned into the touch. She knew eventually this would end as soon as Brian
and Leighanne had gotten back but neither of them expected that it would be sooner...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nick knew that Haylee and AJ weren't a couple but what if AJ thought that they were? He did however see AJ and Haylee kiss but Haylee herself said
that it didn't mean anything. So why couldn't he just shake the thought from his head? Maybe it bothered him because he knew he was trying to hold
on for them this time. This did feel like his last chance at it. This was his last chance at redeeming himself. So he sit there with his mind filled
with thousands of thoughts as the movie continued on. He grabbed the small blanket and put it over them. He loved the way Haylee was so peaceful
and how she just snuggled close to him. Everything about this moment was worth living for. It was what made it worth fighting for. And then it came
to an end. The loud noises was what it took to hear AJ come in from the front door.


"Haylee, what are you still doing here? You know what, Nick will do to you."
"AJ, it's fine. Leave it alone."

He squeezed her tightly and held on to her. There was no way he was letting her go and there was no way in hell that he was gonna let that imposter
do anything to her. He looked up at AJ who gave him a dirty look and he shrugged it off before he spoke to Haylee.

"It'll be alright. I won't let anything happen to you."
"Hey dude, that's my job to comfort her."
"AJ..."


He stood up and nodded with a slight smile.

"What's that suppose to mean, AJ? I'm her boy-- He paused. .... her friend as well. I'm allowed to comfort her too."
"Whatever, man. I was just saying. No need to get your panties in a twist."

AJ looked back at Haylee.

"You should get home. You know how he is."

He walked towards her and pushed her hair back behind her ear. This made Nick's blood boil to the bone. He now didn't regret punching him square in the face.
He clenched his fist tightly as he had to watch what was unfolding right in front of his eyes. Is this what Haylee wanted all along? Was this her desire?
He didn't know but he could feel the heat in his cheeks as Haylee responded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


She pushed AJ back and nodded. She knew that AJ was only looking out for her but she just needed a friend really. She felt like he was constantly hitting on her.
This new Nick however knew just how to treat her, knew exactly what to say and how to say. She was comfortable for once in her skin. It made her think about how
her "Nick" use to be. Her "Dreamer." She finally broke the ice and spoke.

"AJ, why don't you drive me home? I'll meet you in the car."

She nodded as if to get him to agree and when he finally did, she watched him walk out before focusing her attention to Nick. With a light smile, she looked into
his eyes.

"Thanks for last night and today. It was fun. I hope that we can do it again."
"Sure, i would love too. Let's try to keep AJ and your man away though."

She laughed softly before nodding then leaned into hug him tightly. This was the one time she felt like she should have never let go of his shirt. The one time
where it was safe. No glass breaking, no yelling, no slapping. It was perfectly safe inside this wall with him. And she was perfectly fine with that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When she left, Nick rubbed the back of neck and he thought a lot about her. He wanted to drink a nice cold beer but knew he couldn't. It was against his AA meetings.
It was against everything he was fighting for. His mind however kept wondering. His mind never stopped. He didn't know how long it would be before he saw Haylee again.
He wasn't sure about anything really. He knew he had to go home though and start his week all over again. This time though, he wasn't prepared for the unexpected....