Nick sighed and closed his eyes as he rolled onto his back. His bunk was too small for his large frame and he found himself becoming very uncomfortable.

He couldn’t sleep. He knew he had to be up early, but his thoughts plagued his mind, keeping him awake.

He desperately needed something, anything to keep his mind off the man who lay below him.

Nick closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on and cursed whoever was making the loud noises in the kitchen area of the bus.

They were on the tour bus on their way to another venue in another city, in another state, Nick didn’t care anymore.

All the venues blended in together. Nothing in his life mattered anymore. That’s not true, something did matter. Someone mattered, a certain raven haired god, who was sleeping peacefully below him mattered. Kevin mattered more to Nick than he should.

Thoughts of the older man haunted him day and night. Knowing he could never have Kevin the way he so desperately wanted kept him from sleeping at night, and eating during the day. Kevin took over his every thought and emotion. He couldn’t do anything without seeking Kevin’s approval first.

Nick sighed again; angry with himself for dwelling one something he had absolutely no control over. He couldn’t make Kevin love him. He could hope, and he could pray, but he couldn’t change the impossible.

He willed himself to sleep, knowing it was what his body so desperately needed. He needed food and sleep. The sight of food made him physically sick. Every time he looked at it a voice in his head screamed that he was fat and to put it back if he ever wanted Kevin to love him. That’s all Nick wanted out of life, Kevin’s unconditional love and support.

~*~

They reached Indianapolis early Monday morning. They were staying in the hotel for three nights and performing two concerts before they headed back out on the road.

They decided to go wondering around on the first day in town. They had never stayed here long when they came through, so this time the group vowed to make the most of their stay.

They headed out in two groups. One group consisted of Alex and Brian, the other contained Howie, Nick and Kevin. Alex and Brian had decided to go play basketball at the local courts then to McDonalds before meeting the others at the venue. Nick’s group wanted to go shopping, taking full advantage of the many shopping places that Indianapolis had to offer.

Nick would have rather went with his best friend to play basketball opposed to shopping, but if it meant he got to spend time with Kevin, Nick was all for it.

Howie suggested that they go to the mall first so the trio caught a ride on the bus and ended up in down town Indianapolis twenty minutes later.

They were all wearing disguises so no fans would recognize them. Kevin was wearing clothes that were way too baggy for Nick’s liking. Kevin was dressed in a baggy pair of black jeans, with chains hanging on the side. Nick was wearing a MADE hoodie and baggy blue jeans. Howie on the other hand was wearing the ugliest clothes Nick had ever seen.

Once inside the mall Kevin and Howie started arguing on where to go first. Howie wanted to go into Bath and Body works to get his favorite shampoo, Kevin was not interested in that and wanted to go to the bookstore that he had seen when the first walked in.

Nick listened to them argue for a few more minutes before he got sick of it and took Kevin by the hand. He drug Kevin away from Howie telling the Latino they were going to the bookstore and they would meet up with him later on. Howie nodded and set off in the direction of his favorite store.

Once away from Howie Nick smiled at Kevin sheepishly. Kevin smiled softly in return. They walked hand in hand to the bookstore; Nick all too aware that Kevin hadn’t dropped his hold on Nick’s hand.

He tried to stay calm but he found himself ready to explode from excitement. Kevin pulled him over to the mystery section. Nick scanned the shelves for some kind of book that would keep his interest. He jumped slightly when Kevin handed him a book.

It was red and had weird black shapes all over it. HOOSIER FOLK LEGENDS the title read.

Nick knew that they called people who lived in Indiana, Hoosiers, but he wasn’t sure about the folk legend part. He looked at Kevin questionably. Kevin led him to a place in the bookstore with places to sit. All the spots were filled but one. Kevin sat down in the chair and then pulled Nick down into his lap. Nick was ready to burst.

“It’s a collection of ghost stories that have been passed down from generation, to generation,” Kevin said softly, his breathe on the back of Nick’s neck.

Nick felt goose bumps all over his body. Kevin being so close was starting to get to him in an embarrassing way. He shifted so Kevin couldn’t see his “problem”.

Nick turned the book over and read the back. He had heard the story about the baby sitter, everyone had. The other stories were new to him though. He found himself becoming so interested in the book that he didn’t notice Kevin running his hands lightly over his stomach.

Ok, that was a lie. He knew, he felt it the instant Kevin slipped his hands inside Nick’s t-shirt. Kevin’s hands were making it hard for Nick to breathe. As much as he wanted Kevin to stop, he wanted this moment to last forever.

Nick leaned back against Kevin’s hard chest as he opened the book. It seemed quite interesting, a little scary maybe, but he could handle it.

“I think you’ll like it Nicky,” Kevin rasped in his ear.

“Oh I know I will,” Nick said not talking about the book at all, but the man whom he so desperately wanted to be with.

Kevin hugged Nick to him tighter. Both of them sat there reading the first few stories in the book, content with being with each other.

The first part of the book was about premonitions and death tokens. Those weren’t that scary. The book and the feeling of each other’s bodies enchanted both men. They didn’t notice as the time quickly slipped away from them.

Nick felt like they had just sat down when Kevin told him they better go find Howie. It seemed like only minutes, but he’d been sitting with Kevin for three hours.

Nick took his wallet out of his pocket to pay for the book, but Kevin told him to put the money away.

“It’s something I want to buy for you,” the older man had insisted.

Nick gave up, as Kevin offered his hand to help Nick up. Once Nick was in a standing position Kevin still didn’t’ let go of his hand. They were still holding hands when they met Howie in the food court. It took everything Nick had to stay calm.

The men ate dinner at the food court having a casual conversation here and there. Most of the time they stayed quiet, concentrating on their meals. Nick was having a hard time keeping his mind from shifting to the beautiful man beside him.

Kevin was having the same problem. He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him lately, but he couldn’t seem to keep his mind of Nick. Visions of the other man haunted his thoughts and his dreams, causing his emotions to shift drastically.

He could be depressed one minute and them see Nick, and it was like nothing else in the world mattered, he was the happiest he had ever been when he was with him.

He looked at Nick now and frowned as he saw the younger man pushing the food around on his plate. It seemed that all he saw him do anymore. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Nick eat anything. Kevin knew that Nick thought he was fat, but Kevin didn’t think that at all. He thought Nick was the most gorgeous, sexiest man he had ever laid eyes on.

“You feeling ok baby?” Kevin asked Nick softly.

Howie’s head shot up and he looked at me trying to figure out what I meant. Nick blushed softly and insisted he was all right, just not very hungry. I knew he was lying, I could tell by the look in his eyes, but I decided not to press the issue. We finished eating and caught the bus to the venue. Thoughts of Nick haunted my mind all throughout the concert.

~*~

Nick lay on the bed in his hotel room, trying to unwind after the concert. Part of him wished Kevin would come to his room, but the other part, the saner side of him knew it would be too risky to be with Kevin any more that night.

He’d almost lost his mind so many times that day, that he knew he’d tell Kevin how he felt if he didn’t put any distance between them.

He lay there for a while; just staring at the ceiling until He remembered the book Kevin had bought for him. He retrieved it from his backpack and opened it up to the next section. The next part talked about ghosts.

One of the stories that caught his eye was the Cline avenue ghost. The legend said that in 1954 a man killed his bride at Cline Avenue, and buried her in the woods near there. In 1965 people started to see a lady dressed in white walk around that area. Well, many incidents followed that, such as stories about her disappearance in a cab, and many others. One day a lady walked into a store and got a bottle of milk and walked out without paying for it. The next day she came back and did it again. The lady continued this for the next few days. On the fifth day three men followed her from the store to the graveyard, where she disappeared from sight into a grave. The men dug the grave up and found the woman. She was dead; lying next to her was a baby and three empty milk bottles. The baby was alive.

The story freaked Nick out and he laid the book down for a while. He turned the TV onto a cartoon channel and willed his mind to think of anything besides Kevin and the book.

Nick got bored with the cartoons fairly quickly. H picked the book back up and turned to the next story.

There was this girl who used to brag about how brave she was, so one day her friends dared her to go into the graveyard at midnight and stick a pitchfork into the grave of this old man. She did, but she never came out again. Legend has it that the old man came out of the grave, grabbed the pitchfork, and pinned her to the ground with it.

Nick eyes grew wide and he immediately dropped the book. This shit was scary. He flicked the light out and eased his body into the covers. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to block out any unwanted feelings.

He was scared. He didn’t want to read anymore of the book, he just wanted to go to sleep and block the whole thing out of his mind. He lay there restless for a while before he finally drifted off.

~*~

“KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Nick screamed as loudly as he could.

He shot up out of bed and ran a shaky hand through his hair. His heart was pounding so fast he thought it might fly out of his chest. He was gasping for breath and had to stop an few times so he couldn’t choke.

He heard steady footsteps coming closer to his door and he backed away, afraid of who was on the other side.

It was a dream. He kept telling himself that over and over, but it didn’t make the fear go away. It had been so real. Nick shook as he relived the whole dream again in his mind.

The door to Nick’s hotel room opened and Kevin appeared in the soft moonlight that the window provided. He sat down next to Nick on the bed and gathered him into his arms.

Nick clung to Kevin desperately wanting to forget the horrible dream. He had imagined he was the girl with the baby, and then the dream shifted and he was lying in the graveyard with the pitchfork through his chest. Kevin and the guys were standing a little ways away. They all were crying and sad, except for Kevin, who looked pleased that Nick was lying there dead. That alone scared Nick more than anything.

Kevin held Nick for a while; rocking him back and forth, telling him it would be all right. Nick wondered if it really would.

What if Kevin really did hate him and wanted him dead? Maybe that’s why he had the dream, to let him know that he had no future with Kevin whatsoever.

Nick cried. He cried for a long time wishing and praying that everything was easier. Wishing that for once in his life he could have enough courage to tell Kevin exactly how he felt, but Nick didn’t have courage.

Nick was a wimp, a baby. He was still having nightmares for Christ’s sake. Kevin would never want a child like him. That’s what he was, he was a child.

Kevin held him tighter and kissed away the tears that fell down his pale cheeks. He gasped softly at how thin Nick was. He could practically feel his ribs, just from holding him. It wasn’t healthy. Kevin noticed for the first time how dark the black circles were under his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks and Kevin’s heart broke.

Nick calmed down after a while. Kevin held his hands tightly and looked into Nick’s eyes, “What are you doing to yourself baby?” Kevin asked Nick gently. Nick dropped his eyes and avoided Kevin’s gaze. He focused his attention to the bedspread. Kevin lifted Nick’s chin with his fingertips and gazed into Nick’s eyes.

“Let me help you baby, I don’t want you hurting yourself,” Kevin said gently.

That’s all it took for the dam to break. He jumped off the bed and began pacing the room. He turned and face Kevin on the bed.

“You can’t help me, no one can,” Nick whispered hoarsely.

Kevin stood up also and made a move to come toward Nick. Nick backed away and hid his face.

“Do you know what it feels like to be haunted?” Nick said letting it all go.

He was tired of hiding. He was tried of fighting his feelings for the older man, but most of all he was tired of being haunted by his emotions. He just wanted to be free, and if telling Kevin would do that, then that’s what he’d do.

Kevin looked at him for a moment. “Yes, I do Nicky,” He managed to choke out..

Nick glanced at Kevin and saw his emotions written all over his face. Nick felt his legs give out and he sunk to the floor in a heap. Sobs racked his body and he wasn’t sure what to think.

“I love you so much,” Nick sobbed out through his tears.

Kevin dropped to his knees beside the younger man. “I love you too baby, so much it hurts sometimes.”

Nick looked into Kevin’s eyes trying to see if he should believe him or not. Kevin nodded, pleading with the blonde to understand what he said was true, that he loved him with all his heart.

Nick reached out and in an instant Kevin was there in his arms, holding him, comforting, him, letting him know hoe much he loved him.

“Why haven’t you been eating baby?” Kevin questioned gently.

“I couldn’t,” Nick choked out. “Every time I looked at food something told me that you’d never love me because I was too fat, so I decided I’d stop eating and drop the weight, then maybe, just maybe you’d love me too,”

Kevin looked at him for a minute, “Don’t you realize that I’ve loved you forever? I’ve loved you since we met in Lou’s office Nicky. Don’t you know that I think you’re the most gorgeous, sexiest, sweetest, man alive? I love you for who you are, not who people say you are. I love your mind, your body and your spirit. I don’t think your fat Nicky, I think you’re perfect.”

Nick blushed lightly and dropped his gaze. Kevin laced his fingers through Nick’s and pulled him against his body. Kevin held Nick tightly, daring someone to take him away from him.

Nick sighed contently. Gone was his insecurity, gone was the haunting thoughts of being alone, being unloved. All that was left was a shell of what he used to be. In it’s place was a new Nick, a Nick that could do anything with the man of his dreams by his side.