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Chapter Sixty Three – Ontario

Sometime late in the evening we arrived in Ontario. It was too late to check into a hotel, but too early to go to sleep. When I heard a knock on the bus door, I didn’t think anything about it. Even so, I was surprised to see Leigh outside, holding James.

“What’s up?” I asked. Leigh smiled.

“I was wondering if you could watch James for an hour,” she said. I raised an eyebrow.

“Really?”

Leigh nodded. “The last time we were in Ontario Howie took me to this secluded spot and we carved our initials into a tree. Howie wants to go back out there. With all the bugs that are out I don’t want to bring James with us.”

James was fast asleep, his head on Leigh’s shoulder. Half of his hand was in his mouth, covered by drool. He was adorable.

I smiled. “Sure, I can do that.”

A look of relief crossed Leigh’s face. “Thank you so much. I checked with Leighanne but Baylee’s been sneezing like crazy. I don’t want to take any chances.”

I took the diaper bag from her and then she slid James into my arms. He made a noise that sounded like a little grunt, but his eyes never opened. Leigh climbed one of the bus steps to give him a kiss.

“Like I said, we’ll be about an hour.”

I smiled. “Have fun.”

I closed the bus door and half kicked the diaper bag into the living area. I sat down on the couch, keeping James close to my chest.

Nick came out from the bedroom where he had been taking inventory of his clothes; his dirty pile was already much larger than the clean. He had a pair of socks in his hand.

“Do these pass the smell tes---“ he started to ask. “Where’d James come from?”

I smiled. “Heaven.”

Nick looked confused. “No I mean---“

I told him what Leigh had said. Nick looked panicked.

“So we’re babysitting?”

“Yup, it appears that way.”

Nick sat down beside me. He watched James for a few moments. After another few moments, Nick broke into a smile.

“This is easy,” he said.

I laughed. As I did so, James’ big brown eyes opened wide. He lifted his head. When he saw me instead of his mommy, his face crumpled. He let out a high pitched wail. Nick turned pale.

“What do we do?” he asked. I pointed at the diaper bag.

“Give me the bag.” I checked his diaper; all clear. “I’ll see if he’s hungry.”

Nick slid to the floor, grabbing the bag and sliding it my way. I picked up a bottle. James didn’t want to even look at it. His face was turning red.

“He’s hyperventilating,” Nick said. His voice was rising into panic territory.

I refused to be unnerved. I rooted around some more until I found a pacifier shaped like an elephant. I held it up; James paused, sucking in a great big breath. I stuck it in his mouth.

Problem solved. His tearstained face looked from me to Nick as if there had never been a minor meltdown. I smiled, tipping him back gently and tickling his stomach. From around the binky, his face broke into a dimpled grin.

“You’re a miracle worker,” Nick said quietly. He scooted over, resting his head on my lap. He reached forward and tickled James’ feet. He got another dimpled grin.

“He’s going to be a heart breaker when he gets older,” I said. “Aren’t you James?”

He clapped.

“Wanna hold him?” I asked Nick.

“I do better when they’re bigger. Like Baylee.”

I laughed. With playful movements I bounced James into Nick’s arms.

Nick sat there, balancing him on his knee. James looked up at him. He looked like he was concentrating hard; his forehead creased even as Nick began to make animal noises. I saw him give his leg a great kick and his body tense up. I knew what was happening before Nick did, but the smell go to Nick’s nose first.

“What the---oh god!”

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“Secure that tab a little tighter,” I instructed a few minutes later.

“I didn’t know someone that small could poop so much,” Nick said, doing as he was told. He lifted the freshly diapered James into the air. James continued to suck greedily on the pacifier.

“The look on your face was priceless,” I laughed.

“Shut up. It’s like Howie feeds this kid bean burritos or something.”

I got rid of the diaper as Nick walked around the bus, bouncing James as he walked. I packed up the bag and settled back down on the couch.

“How’d you get so good with babies?” Nick asked me. “You’re an only child.”

I smiled. “I did a lot of babysitting in high school. You learn a lot at sixteen. Like, I never knew poop could be green. And I didn’t know that a quarter could be shoved up a nostril so far that only an ER doctor could fish it out.”

“You’re gonna make a great mom,” Nick said. He turned in my direction to begin walking the length of the bus again. I noticed James had fallen asleep, his head tucked under Nick’s chin. I smiled.

“You’re not going to be so bad yourself, Carter,” I said quietly. The scene made a great picture. Nick sat down beside me and we stayed in silence; the only sound the rise and fall of James’ chest as he fell into a regular sleep pattern. Bitsy crept up and sniffed at him curiously; then after circling our feet several times, she lay down with a soft huff.

Howie and Leigh picked him up about a half hour later. Assured that no disasters occurred, they waved a hearty goodbye. I looked over at Nick. He was fast asleep on the couch. I threw a blanket over him, kissing his forehead.

Babysitting was hard work.

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“You did not let Nick babysit,” Brian said the next day. His plate was loaded down with food; they had worked up an appetite with another fairly intense Q&A session.

“I did fine, thank you very much,” Nick answered back. He folded three fries, stuffing them in his mouth greedily.

I smiled as I walked by. Nick reached up and squeezed my hand.

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll be right back,” I said. “Can’t a girl go to the restroom in peace?”

“With us around? Probably not,” AJ admitted.

I ducked into the bathroom for what seemed like the fiftieth time that day. I wasn’t nauseous, but I wasn’t feeling right either. As I sat down, I felt myself get a little light headed. I knew the moment I wiped that something wasn’t right. My toilet tissue was covered with blood.

It felt like my heart stopped. I sat there staring at the bright red blood in horror. My brain didn’t seem to want to process any conscious thought. I don’t know how long I sat there; all I know is that by the time I walked out the Boys were onstage. I vaguely remember walking up to Rochelle and tapping her on the arm.

“Hey Liv, what’s----“ she paused. “What’s wrong? You don’t look so good.”

“I think I need to go to the hospital,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

She didn’t need me to explain any further. After grabbing her purse, she ushered me out and hailed the first taxi.

Rochelle talked to me all the way there; I didn’t comprehend a word she said. All I could think was the unthinkable.

I had lost the baby.