Cary
On Friday, I awoke to a text message: luvufromdadx
I squinted sleepily at it for a few seconds before deciphering what it said. Love you, from Dad. Ohh... That made me smile.
My dad’s adorable - and completely clueless when it comes to technology. He doesn’t own a computer; in fact, he wouldn’t even know how to turn one on. He doesn’t use GPS, TiVo, or any other such gadgets, and the only reason he has a cell phone is because I got him one for his fiftieth birthday. I think he only uses it to call me. And text now, apparently? I’d have to teach him how to put in spaces.
He’s a creature of habit, my dad. Not so much old-fashioned as just set in his ways. He’s worked in the same factory for thirty-seven years, ever since he was hired there as an eighteen-year-old, fresh out of high school. Minimum wage was only a dollar-sixty then, or so he tells me, but he got a raise every year and climbed up the job ladder to make pretty good money, considering he never went to college. It was enough to live off of, anyway, even after my mom got sick and his was the only income. Despite the medical bills, he always managed to provide me with everything I needed in life. I don’t think I was spoiled, but after my mom died, it was all about me. I was all my dad had left, and he doted on me.
It made me feel a little guilty for being so far away from him now. Again. I knew he wanted me to be happy, but I also knew he got lonely without me. Ever since I’d moved out after college, I had been coming over at least once a week to have dinner with him and keep him company. American Idol was the first time I’d ever gone more than a week without seeing my dad. I could never do what Nick was doing and isolate myself from my family and friends. Even though I was far away, his text made my whole morning.
Hey, you figured out how to text! I’m so proud of you! I texted back, hoping he’d read the teasing tone in my words. Just waking up here. Miss you and love you too!
No sooner had the text sent than my phone rang. I hadn’t even made it out of bed yet. Laughing, I picked up my phone again and looked down at it, not at all surprised to see who the incoming call was from. “Morning, Dad!” I answered cheerfully, making myself sound way more chipper than I felt. I was actually still pretty tired; Nick had kept me up late watching the NBA playoffs with him. I couldn’t have cared less about basketball in the beginning, but by the end of the game, he had me rooting for the Celtics just as hard as he was. My dad would be impressed; he was a sports fanatic, typical guy’s guy all the way, and he had tried - and failed - for twenty-some years to get me interested in some sport, any sport. Unfortunately for him, the only sport I’d ever enjoyed watching was figure skating - which, to him, didn’t even count.
“Hey, honey!” It was great just to hear his voice. “I didn’t want to wake you up, so I thought I’d see if I could figure out how to send a text. I didn’t wake you, did I?”
“Nope,” I fibbed. “Just getting ready. Nick’s taking me to the studio today.”
The last part was true. Just like he’d promised, Nick had arranged for us to meet AJ at a studio in Hollywood so that I could rehearse my act and maybe even record some of my songs. I was really excited and nervous about it.
“Yeah? Sounds cool, honey. So everything’s going okay out there? You’re having fun?”
“Oh, yeah!” I replied quickly and perhaps a little too brightly. The truth was, it would be the first time I’d even left Nick’s condo since we’d gone to pick up his car on Sunday. I thought quickly, trying to invent a list of fun things I’d done in the past week, in case he asked what I’d been up to. He had no idea I was staying with Nick, of course, so he probably wondered how I was keeping myself occupied.
“Yeah?” he said again, like he didn’t quite believe me. Damn. I was a bad liar; it was another reason I’d never be able to pull off what Nick was trying to pull. “Is it everything you thought it’d be?”
No, Dad. No, it’s nothing like I thought it’d be. “It’s even better. But I can’t wait for the tour to start!”
“Me neither. I can’t wait to see you.”
I smiled sadly, tears prickling in my eyes. I could tell he missed me, and the only tour stop in Illinois wasn’t for another month. “Me too,” I said. “Are you surviving without me?”
He chuckled. “I sure miss your home-cooked meals and your company, but yeah, I’m doing just fine, sweetheart.”
“How about Hambelina?”
“Well, I haven’t turned her into bacon yet, so I’d say she’s doing alright,” my dad teased.
“Dad...”
“She’s fine, Cary. She misses you, too, but I think she’s adjusting. She sat on my lap to watch Idol last night.” I wasn’t sure if he was kidding or not, but the image of my dad holding my pet pig on his lap was pretty adorable. “You been keepin’ up with Idol?”
Before I was on the show, American Idol had been our thing. I always came over on Tuesday nights, and we watched it together. I’m sure he would have rather watched the Bulls games, but he put up with Idol for my sake, and he’d actually gotten pretty into it over the years.
“Of course!” I laughed. “The finale’s in two weeks; how could I quit now?” It had been hard, at first, to watch Idol after my elimination, but I’d gotten to know the other contestants pretty well, so of course I had to keep watching to cheer them on and see how the rest of the season played out. I’d even gotten Nick to watch with me on Wednesday, though he’d admitted the only reason he had seen me on the show was because he was stuck in the hospital at the time. It was weird to think that on the night I got voted off, Nick Carter had just been diagnosed with cancer. My devastation seemed trivial in comparison.
“I’m still going to come out,” my dad’s voice broke into my thoughts, “if you want me to.”
“Really?” The thought of my dad coming to LA cheered me up, though I’d have to make some alternate living arrangements before then.
“Sure. You’re still performing on the show, right?”
“Oh yeah, yeah I am.” With all my excitement focused on the upcoming tour, I’d almost forgotten about the American Idol finale, when the top twelve contestants all got to come back and perform one last time. Rehearsals for that started on Monday, so it was convenient I was already back in LA. “I’d love for you to come out for the finale.”
“You can count on it,” said my dad, sounding pleased. “We can talk more about that later, though. I’ll let you go, so you can finish getting ready.”
“Okay. Thanks for calling, Dad.”
“Have fun today, kiddo. Love you.”
“Love you too, Dad. Bye.” I hung up, a lump in my throat. I quickly cleared it away. I was wide awake now, so there was no point trying to go back to sleep. Instead, I got out of bed and opened the closet to pick out something to wear that day. I had completely taken over Nick’s guest bedroom and bathroom. The counter was cluttered with my toiletries, makeup, hair dryer, and curling iron. The closet was filled with my clothes. I’d lived out of my suitcase for the first couple of days, but when it became clear that I wasn’t heading to the hotel he had booked for me anytime soon, I’d hung up my dresses so they wouldn’t get any more wrinkled, unpacked my pairs of shoes for easier access - not that I’d needed them - and started a pile of dirty laundry on the floor. Basically, I’d made myself right at home.
And surprisingly, Nick didn’t seem to mind. I think he liked the company - and me waiting on him hand and foot. Even though he’d been off chemo for the past two days, I’d stuck around to take care of him. The last few treatments had really worn him out, and I didn’t like the idea of him being home all alone. Nor did I like the idea of being stuck in a hotel room all on my own, so it had worked out well for both of us.
It was early yet, so I knew Nick wouldn’t be awake. I took a shower and got ready anyway, blow-drying my hair, spending extra time on my makeup. I was meeting AJ that day, and I wanted to look my best. By the time I came out of my room, Nick was up. He gave me the once over as I walked into the kitchen wearing a pale green sundress. “You know we’re just goin’ to the studio, right?” he chuckled.
I blushed. “Too much?” I asked, looking to see what he was wearing - shorts and a t-shirt, of course.
He grinned. “Nah. You’re fine. You look pretty,” he added, when he saw my uncertainty.
It was weird hearing him use the word “pretty,” and I knew he was just saying that to be nice, but it still made me smile. “Thanks.” I looked more closely at him. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“Eh...” He shrugged. “Ya know. Tired. But I’m alright.” He looked haggard, his face pale and drawn, with dark circles under his eyes. The chemo was taking its toll, wearing his body down, and I knew the fatigue would only get worse before it got better.
“You sure you’re up to going today?” I asked hesitantly. Of course, I selfishly hoped he would say yes, but I wanted to give him the chance to say no if he wasn’t feeling well. Somehow, I knew he wouldn’t.
“Oh yeah.” He flashed a quick grin. “Let’s do this.”
He’d made plans for us to meet AJ for lunch, then hit the studio in the afternoon, so when it was time, we headed to Hollywood. “You like Mexican, right?” Nick asked, as he pulled into the parking lot of what was clearly a Mexican restaurant. It was a little late for me to say no, since AJ was going to meet us there, but luckily, I do like Mexican.
“Sure!” I replied.
“Cool beans.” Cool beans? I giggled; it had been a few years since I’d heard anyone use that phrase. Nick was such a random dork sometimes.
He parked the Benz, and we went inside. My stomach was suddenly in knots, and my heart started to race in anticipation, as I looked around for AJ. But I didn’t see him - and he’s not exactly the type of guy who blends in well. Nick requested a table in the back, and a waiter led us to the perfect spot to wait for AJ, tucked into a booth in the corner where no one would pay much attention to the guys. Nick sat down on the side facing the back wall, so no one would see his face, and I started to slide in across from him, but he said, “No, sit with me. AJ’s probably gonna bring Rochelle, and they’ll wanna sit together - they’re pretty touchy feely like that.”
“Oh! Sure.” So he scooted in toward the wall, and I sat down next to him. It felt a little weird, the two of us sitting together on one side of the booth with our backs to the rest of the restaurant, while the side across from us was completely empty - but then, I kind of enjoyed it, too. Sitting so close to him, I could feel the heat of his body near mine and smell his scent - the scent of clean clothes, fresh from the load of laundry I’d done for him the other day, mixed faintly with whatever cologne he wore. It made it hard to concentrate on the menu.
AJ and Rochelle showed up right after our waiter brought us water. I was taking my straw out of its wrapper and didn’t even notice, until a body slid into the seat across from me. I looked up, my heart leaping into my throat, and found myself gazing into the most gorgeous brown eyes I’d ever seen. I knew AJ had pretty eyes; I’d admired them in pictures for years, but in person? They literally took my breath away. I just gaped at him for a second, unable to speak.
“Hi,” said AJ with a big, open grin, as he scooched in to make room for Rochelle. “You must be Cary.” He extended his hand across the table, and I managed to shake it without overturning either of the water glasses.
“Hi!” I squeaked. Embarrassed by what a little girl I sounded like when I got nervous, I brought it down a notch and quickly added, “It’s so great to finally meet you!”
He chuckled. “You too. This is my fiancée, Rochelle.”
I managed to tear my eyes away from his to look for the first time at the girl who had slipped in across from me. She was petite and cute, with long, sleek black hair, bright blue eyes, and smiling red lips. “Hi, Cary!” She beamed as she reached out and shook my hand, too. “Nice to meet you.”
Her enthusiasm seemed genuine, and I grinned back easily. “Thanks - you too!”
“You were right,” AJ said to Nick. “She does look like the more wholesome version of my Monkee.”
Rochelle and I both looked at the guys - Nick’s face had turned red - and then back at each other. We started laughing. “I can see it,” giggled Rochelle, and I was glad she didn’t seem offended. It was sort of true; she had the same coloring as me, with her dark hair and fair complexion, and her lipstick matched mine. With her punk style of clothing and the tattoos that sleeved her arms, she was the hardcore version of me. “I’d love to do your makeup on tour,” she added eagerly.
“Really?” I asked, taken aback. I’d forgotten she was a makeup artist. “I’d love that!”
She grinned. “Yay! These guys won’t let me put anything on them.” She glanced over at AJ. “Well, except Monkee here, but he usually does his own.”
I suppressed a smile, my eyes flickering over AJ’s smudged eyeliner. I guess if any guy could pull off the smoky eye, he could.
“Yeah, no stage makeup,” Nick spoke up. “That shit sweats right off and makes me look even greasier.” I giggled at the disgusted look on his face.
Our waiter came back to take AJ’s and Rochelle’s drink orders, and we were quiet for a few minutes, studying the menu. A lot of it was in Spanish, and I wasn’t sure what to order. Thankfully, the waiter started with Rochelle and worked his way around the table, so after Nick had ordered, I just said, “I’ll have the same.” I had no idea what I was getting, but if it sounded good to Nick, I figured it’d be good enough for me.
When the waiter left again, AJ looked across the table at Nick and said, “So what’s been up, Prick?”
I knew right then that keeping up this whole charade was going to be even harder than I’d thought. It was only a nickname, used with love, but I couldn’t help but think, If you only knew what’s been up, you wouldn’t call him that.
But Nick was so cool and casual. “Not much,” he replied, without batting an eye. “Ya know... hangin’ out.” He was a better actor than I’d ever given him credit for. The act had to be rehearsed, but he pulled it off naturally. “What about you?”
“Gearing up for my shows in Japan next week... and planning a wedding, of course.” AJ’s eyes seemed to sparkle, lighting up his entire face. Beside him, Rochelle had the same happy glow.
“That’s awesome, man. Wish I could be there,” said Nick.
“Aw, it’s alright, dude; I don’t expect you to fly halfway around the world just for my solo tour. But I do expect you at my wedding,” AJ added sternly. “I gotta have my bros standing behind me when I say my vows.”
He turned to smile at Rochelle, and the two of them were too busy making googly eyes at each other to see the shadow that flickered across Nick’s face. But I saw it.
All Nick said was, “Wouldn’t miss it, Bone.” I could sense the silent “unless...” hanging in the air, but AJ was oblivious. He started talking about the plans they’d made so far, and Rochelle jumped in. Listening to them ramble on and on, my stomach started to hurt. AJ was going to be so devastated when he found out the truth about Nick, and he was going to feel like a jackass for babbling about wedding venues and solo gigs when Nick was dealing with chemo and cancer.
But if Nick was thinking about either of those things, he didn’t show it. He listened to what AJ was saying; he commented at the appropriate times; he nodded and smiled, looking interested and happy for his friend. I realized he was doing this for AJ and the other guys as much as for himself, trying to prolong their happiness for as long as he could. But in the end, he was only going to hurt them.
I was glad when our food came, just for the interruption it caused in the conversation, but by then, I wasn’t hungry anymore. I felt sick. I picked at my plate, trying to eat just enough to keep anyone from asking questions. “Good choice,” I even told Nick. “This was a lot of food; I’m so stuffed, I can’t even finish it.”
See, I could act, too. I just wished I didn’t have to.
***
