Chapter One-Hundred-Ninety-Nine
Not long after breakfast while Howie and Nick were waiting on Jackie to finish up the list of the things she wanted done, Howie’s cell phone rang. Having a feeling he knows exactly who it is, he glanced at Ryan as he pulled his phone from his pocket. He looked down at the caller ID and his suspicions were instantly confirmed. He looked back at Ryan with a questioning look.
“It’s your mom. Do you want to talk to her?” Ryan crossed his arms over his chest and looked away still feeling slightly upset with her. Howie turned on the phone and placed it to his ear before the poor woman decided to hang up.
“Hey Mrs. Sawy-Lindsey…how are you?” He asked kindly and he looked over at AJ who wasn’t even bothering to hide his smirk.
“I’m doing okay.”
“Well that’s good to hear.”
“May I talk to my son please?”
“How about you talk to Laila first while I go get him?”
“I don’t want to upset her again…”
“I think that’s exactly why you need to keep talking to her every day and reminding her that you still love her. She feels abandoned…”
“Kay…” Lindsey replied softly and Howie handed his phone to AJ and AJ went over and sat on the floor before gathering the two year old into his lap and he began to deal with her knowing exactly how to approach her. Meanwhile, Howie rounded on Ryan who was sitting there staring at the ground moodily. He went over and squatted down in front of him.
“I think you should talk to your mother, buddy. It’s Thanksgiving.”
“If she cared she would be here instead of in that stupid hospital.”
“That isn’t very fair of you.”
“Well it’s not fair to us that we have to spend Thanksgiving away from her, is it?” Ryan asked not bothering to keep his voice down.
“No you’re right it’s not. But your mother is very sick and I think she needs your support more then anything. She doesn’t want to be away from you either but she doesn’t have a choice.”
“She did so have a choice! She didn’t have to hurt herself…she chose to do that! Why would she want to hurt herself if she loved us? Why would she hurt herself if she wanted to be with us?” By now his eyes were welling up with tears.
“Ryan please…”
“NO!” Ryan insisted firmly. “My dad is dead and my mom might as well be too because she abandoned us!” he shouted and with that, he turned and fled from the kitchen. Howie sighed and started to go after him when he suddenly felt Ashley gently take his hand and he looked at her curiously.
“Let me go talk to him…please?”
“Are you sure sweetie? He has quite a temper…he’s not like Kota.”
“I know, but I understand him.” Howie nodded his permission and Ashley walked out of the kitchen and Howie looked at Nick with a raised eyebrow.
“She knows what she’s doing, trust her. She’s going through similar issues right now…she doesn’t think I know it, but I do.” When Ashley had gotten upstairs she found Ryan in the bedroom that he shares with Howie, AJ, and his sister. He is lying sprawled out on his bed an is crying into his pillow. Ashley went over and sat next to him and she touched his shoulder gently.
“Go away. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“That’s fine, we don’t have to talk about it,” Ashley insisted and Ryan looked up from his pillow and at her curiously. He knew it was her by her gentle touch but the fact that she wasn’t pressuring him to talk surprised him. Howie would have.
“You’re not going to force me to talk about how I feel?”
“Nope,” Ashley answered simply and she hugged her legs to her chest and rested her chin on her knee. Ryan raised his eyebrow suspiciously.
“Howie would…”
“That’s because Howie doesn’t understand,” Ashley explained. Ryan raised his eyebrow.
“But he told me he’s lost a sister before.”
“Yes…he has. That’s true…but he’s never lost a parent before…let alone two.”
“And you have?” Ryan asked surprised. He didn’t know this. He knew she was an orphan, but he never knew her parents were dead. Ashley nodded quietly, continuing to stare ahead trying to keep her emotions at bay.
“They’re dead?”
“Mhm…they were murdered. I watched it happen…couldn’t do a thing to stop it.” Ryan looked at her sympathetically.
“How old were you?”
“Twelve…I was very young…not as young as you, but still young. And I still needed my parents…it was cruel how they got taken away from me. So trust me Ryan…I know how it feels. And I know how it is to sometimes not want to talk about it. While Howie has lost his sister – which is really horrible…I’m not trying to say we suffered more because I know if it were my sister I don’t know what I would do. But it’s an entirely different thing to lose both of your parents…the two people you relied on for the first twelve years of your life. Or in your case, your dad who you relied on for the first nine years of your life.”
“I just wish Laila and I didn’t have to spend Thanksgiving without them…” Ryan confessed softly as tears spilled over his cheeks. “Its hard enough dad is dead, but mom was taken from us too…and she made it happen! And then she acts sorry and like she misses us, and wants to be with us…yet she hurt herself and made it happen! And she expects me to talk to her like everything is okay when it’s NOT okay…” Ashley nodded in agreement.
“I can see how that would upset you, I really do…but your mom was in a deep depression that she couldn’t get out of. You know what depression means right?” Ryan nodded as he rubbed at his eyes.
“It means you’re really sad…” Ashley nodded.
“Mhm…and sometimes people who are depressed get so sad that they just can’t take it. It gets too much for them to handle and it forces them into a really dark place. They feel alone, they feel scared, all they ever want to do is sleep, they cry a lot and sometimes if they’re really in too deep…they have thoughts of hurting themselves. Like your mother…and they can’t control it…because it’s like a monster inside your head making you feel sad. So they need to go to a special hospital and receive help so that they can be happy again and be with their families. Your mom loves you very much Ryan…you and Laila both. But she let herself fall into a deep depression when your father died and needs help getting better.”
“Have you ever felt depressed?” Ryan asked softly.
“I have…not too long ago actually.”
“Did someone help you?”
“Mhm…Nick did. He gave me a reason to feel happy again…I can’t say that I don’t still feel sad a lot of the time, but he is always right there telling me that it’s going to be okay.” Ryan was silent for a few moments.
“My mom needs that…”
“I bet she is getting that from her doctors at the hospital.”
“She doesn’t need any doctors…” Ryan insisted. “She needs Howie.” Ashley couldn’t help but smile some.
“You think so huh?” Ryan nodded eagerly.
“I think Howie would make her happy. He makes everything better.”
“Just between you and me…” Ashley began and he looked up at her curiously. “I agree,” she told him and she winked at him. Ryan smiled a little. “But do you know what else I think would make your mom happy?”
“What?” Ryan asked softly.
“If you started talking to her again.” Ryan looked down at the bed and he suddenly became very interested in the flower pattern on the comforter, his smile fading some.
“I know you’re hurting…I know it’s depressing not to have her here on Thanksgiving…trust me if there is anyone who understands that feeling, it’s me,” Ashley told him gently. “I would give anything to have my parents here for Thanksgiving…for Christmas for that matter. But you know what I’m thankful that I do have?” Ryan shrugged.
“Kori…my sister. Nick my boyfriend…Denise and AJ who cared about me enough to welcome me into their family…all of my friends…that I’m alive. You Ryan…have so much to be thankful for too.”
“Like what?”
“Well your sister Laila…who obviously loves you very much. Howie for caring so much about you that he would be willing to be your foster parent…the rest of the guys for caring about you so much that they want to get to know you…your mom…for being alive still. You have one more parent left Ryan…you should be thankful for that. Don’t push her away…she is all you’ve got. Life is too short for you to shut her out. You should live every moment you can with her.”
“Kay…” Ryan surrendered and Ashley smiled at him a little. She reached out to ruffle his hair when suddenly he got up and wrapped his arms around her for a hug instead. This surprised Ashley as she never had him down as an affectionate type, but she hugged him back nonetheless.
“Thanks for understanding…” He told her softly.
“Anytime Ryan…but can you do me one small favor?”
“What?”
“Tell your mom that you love her for me.”
“I will.” The two of them sat there hugging for a few moments, and then he pulled away and he crawled off of the bed and stood there waiting as she stood up and she followed him downstairs. When they got down there and into the kitchen everybody – as in Howie, Nick, Jackie, AJ, Denise, and Laila looked up at them curiously. AJ was still sitting on the floor with Laila and Laila was still babbling away to her mom. AJ waited a few moments and then he spoke up.
“Okay Laila, how about we give Ryan a chance to talk now? Tell your mom bye and that you love her.”
“Bye mommy”
“Bye baby, I love you” AJ heard Lindsey say.
“Loves mommy.” AJ took the phone from her and he looked at Ryan curiously. Ryan stood there staring at the cell phone for a few moments, and then he went over and took it from AJ, placed it to his ear and he spoke.
“…Hi mom,” he greeted her softly as a single tear rolled down his cheek.
“Hi Ryan…are you having a good Thanksgiving?”
“I guess so…it would be better if you were here though,” he told her as he shuffled his foot on the ground idly.
“I’m sorry honey…I wish I could be there.”
“Do you?” Ryan asked in a small voice.
“Of course I do,” Lindsey answered, sounding somewhat indignant.
“Then why did you hurt yourself? If you wanted to be here with us, why would you hurt yourself? If you loved us you wouldn’t do that…” Ryan demanded, wanting to know the answer straight from her.
“I…I just got sick…”
“I don’t want to hear that mom! That’s all everybody ever tells me. I’m nine years old I’m not stupid!”
“Ryan…”
“Tell me why you were so sad!”
“Ryan you’re…”
“I am not too young to understand!” Ryan shouted. “I want to know why you were sad! Was it because of me? Was I bad? Did I make you sad?”
“No of course not!” Lindsey insisted, her eyes welling up with tears and she felt shocked that he would even think such a thing. “Ryan I love you very much and none of this is your fault. It’s me…okay? I’m sad because of me…because I don’t know how to live without your father.” Ryan was silent.
“Ryan?” she asked after a few moments. Ryan continued to stay silent but she could hear him sniffling so she knows he is still there.
“I love you…please know it…please believe it. I love you.”
“Then get better…” Ryan finally spoke but in a pleading tone.
“I’m trying…”
“Do you promise?”
“Yes.”
“Say it mom.”
“I promise.” Ryan heard the sincerity in her voice and he calmed down some.
“I love you Ryan…” she repeated.
“I love you too…” he told her softly as he leaned his forehead against the wall with his back turned to everybody else.
“Do me a favor…”
“What?” Ryan questioned.
“Be happy for Thanksgiving. I know you’re hurting that I’m not there, but it would make me feel really good inside to know that you’re happy. Be happy with Howie and be nice to the other kids. They care about you.”
“It will help you feel better?”
“Yes.”
“Then I will do it…”
“And one more thing…then I need you to give the phone to AJ okay?”
“What do you want to talk to him for?”
“He’s Laila’s Foster parent…I think I should have a right to know him.” Ryan scowled some. He still doesn’t like it that he is so close to Laila.
“What was that one more thing?”
“Tell Howie that the photo album I made of you and your dad is hidden in your father’s desk…I want you to have it.”
“Really?” Ryan asked as his eyes watered all over again.
“It has every picture of the two of you down to the very moment you were born.”
“Thank-you…”
“And tell him that I made a quilt for Laila…just before he died…it has pictures of him on it…I want her to have it.”
“Okay.”
“I love you…now please hand the phone over to AJ.” Ryan was about to open his mouth to protest when he suddenly remembered he basically promised his mom he would obey. Scowling, he held the phone out to AJ. AJ chuckled a little and took it from him. He placed the phone to his ear and walked out of the kitchen as Howie was now holding Laila for him. Ryan went over and hugged Howie and he wrapped his arms around him and hugged him back as he glanced at Ashley.
“Are you two going to tell me what you two talked about or what?” Ashley shook her head smiling.
“It’s our secret. Right Ryan?”
“Right.” Nick laughed and he slid his arms around Ashley from behind and kissed the back of her neck.
“Well baby if you can get through to Ryan, then I guess that makes you a pro.” Ashley shrugged.
“Lets just say I understand him.” Ryan looked up at Howie then and he told him what his mom told him to tell him and then Howie grabbed the list Jackie had made and Ryan scowled as he recognized it right off.
“So what do you say we get to work now, hmm?” Ryan groaned but Howie ignored him.
“The first thing on the list is to vacuum the carpet in the living room. I believe Harry has already put it in there for you.” Ryan turned and went to the living room with a solemn expression on his face.
“Dakota under your name the first thing you need to do is go outside and pick up all of the toys that you all left out there. We’re having Thanksgiving dinner out there we need the yard to be clean. Sarah, you and Nick are going to start getting the silverware and plates out so that they will be ready for someone to set the table after we’ve moved the tables out into the yard. Ready, set, go” Howie explained the last part in a motivating tone.
“All right Sarah, come here,” Nick instructed and she followed him to the silverware drawer while Dakota in company of Laney went out into the backyard.
“Where is Spencer? Isn’t he supposed to be doing chores too?” Ashley questioned as she noticed her nephew wasn’t present.
“He and Wiley went with Ann, Marcus, Tim and Aaron to Ann’s house. They’re bringing back a couple of long tables and some stuff that Ann wanted to contribute to Thanksgiving dinner,” Jackie answered.
“And my sister?” Ashley asked with a raised eyebrow. Jackie shrugged.
“She and AJ exchanged a couple of harsh words and she stormed out of the house without telling us where it was she was headed.” Ashley gave an exasperated sigh.
“Okay, WHAT is wrong with them? No one seems to want to tell me!”
“Basically…it’s Josh and Ellie all over again,” Nick explained. Ashley shrugged.
“So why don’t they go have a mud fight and get it over with? I don’t like them bickering…”
“I’m afraid it’s not that simple baby,” Nick laughed slightly.
“Then where are the handcuffs? Lets handcuff them together like we did to Ellie and Josh. Or how about we lock them in a room together all day long and don’t let them out until they’re getting a long?”
“They would kill each other,” Howie pointed out amused.
“We don’t have the handcuffs with us, they’re back at the Orphanage. Maybe we’ll do it when we get back.”
“Do what?” AJ questioned as he suddenly walked through the door and he handed Howie his phone back.
“Nothing, nothing…” Howie answered innocently and AJ raised his eyebrow. “So what did you think about Lindsey?”
“She’s nice…”
“But?”
“She talks an awful lot about you.” Howie narrowed his eyes at him and tossed a carrot at his head.
“Stop it with your jokes will you?” he asked as AJ had caught the carrot in his mouth. AJ pulled the carrot from his mouth and began eating it.
“I’m not joking. She seriously talked about you a lot.”
“What did she say?” Howie interrogated trying very hard to act impassive, but AJ knowing him too well saw right through him.
“Why? Do you liiiike her?”
“No I think she is a stubborn bitch and very hard to get a long with.” AJ laughed.
“You’re completely infatuated with the woman I can see it in your eyes – and it is killing you to know what she said about you.”
“I could honestly careless.”
“Liar.”
“Well you obviously want to tell me so bad, so why don’t you do it and get it over with?” Howie asked irritably.
“Well not if you don’t really want to know,” AJ replied indifferently and he went over and dipped the end of his carrot that he hadn’t bitten into, in the ranch dressing and he took a bite. Howie rolled his eyes.
“Just tell me all ready!”
“Well, I have to say you two both have a lot in common.” Howie raised his eyebrow.
“She says she thinks you’re an insensitive asshole most of the time and hard to get a long with.”
“I’m an insensitive asshole? Well at least I care enough about her kid not to deprive him of something he so desperately needs!” Howie insisted immediately fuming. He then began ranting and raving about the littlest things that Mrs. Sawyer does that drives him crazy – little things that only someone who was obsessed would notice. AJ all the way stood there listening amusedly. After a few moments he moved forward and gently placed his hands to Howie’s shoulders and looked into his eyes.
“And yet you talk to her all the time,” he interrupted.
“I do not tal—“
“-You do so. You talk to her more then necessary D, we all have noticed.” Howie glared at him.
“I’m her kid’s foster parent!”
“Why are you so defensive then?”
“I’m just trying to get you to understand.”
“Oh I already understand perfectly. She drives you completely insane yet you’re hopelessly in love with the woman.”
“How can I be in love with her when our only contact has been over the phone? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”
“All right, infatuated then.”
“She just lost her husband!”
“So?”
“So…so…” Howie trailed, unable to come up with an argument to back him up. AJ grinned victoriously as he knows he had won.
“She lost her husband, it would be completely wrong if I even thought about having a relationship with her other then as someone taking care of her son while she’s in the hospital!”
“Yet you have. Just because it’s wrong it doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel right.”
“Well sometimes we have to ignore what feels right to do the right thing.”
“So you finally admit that you do have feelings for her?”
“What? No!”
“You did D, would you like me to remind you of what you just said?”
“I would like you to leave me alone.”
“Why? Because you know I’m right and you’re to stubborn to admit it?” Howie glowered at him.
“Admit it D”
“No.”
“Admit it!”
“No!”
“Come on you know you want to…”
“ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT IT! ARE YOU HAPPY? I’M DANGEROUSLY INFATUATED WITH THE WOMAN. EVERYTHING ABOUT HER! And it aches inside knowing that she is in pain! Everytime I talk to her it makes me want to be there for her and help her get through the pain! Because she hurts so much. There are times when she drives me completely insane to where I think she is a complete bitch and can’t stand her, and then other times when we aren’t arguing, she has the tendency to make me smile. And the scary part is, I don’t even really know her! We’ve only spoken over the phone! You don’t know how much I’ve talked to her Aje, you really don’t!”
“Actually, I do,” AJ laughed feeling satisfied that his best friend was finally letting it all out. “You talk to her three times during the day, and then every evening in the middle of the night – around 3:30 when everybody is asleep – when you think I’m sleeping, I hear your phone in the middle of the night and the two of you stay up until five talking. It is always a mystery how she manages to get them to let her talk to you at that time of night.”
“They didn’t at first,” Howie admitted softly. “She would sneak out in the middle of the night when no one was around and get on the phone – and when they caught her, the both of us got an ear full I’ll tell you that. I kept insisting she can’t call me that late anymore but she never listened and some how I knew she wouldn’t so I kept my phone right by me. Every night at the same time she snuck out and called me and after the first few times they gave up and just let her do it.” AJ chuckled.
“Go for it D.”
“I can’t, she’s grieving…it wouldn’t be right.”
“Sometimes a little love is just the right medicine to help a person be at ease.”
“She was already in love once. She lost the love her life Alex, how could she ever fall for anyone else?”
“I think he would’ve wanted her to move on instead of being in so much pain.”
“It’s not right.”
“Well even so, she seems to like you just the same. I couldn’t get her to stop talking about you,” AJ insisted.
“Why are you so keen on me being with her?” Howie asked raising his eyebrow curiously.
“Maybe I want you to be happy?”
“Or maybe you don’t want to lose Laila?”
“I don’t want to lose Laila, you’re right. I love that little girl with all my heart but it never occurred to me that if you dated Lindsey it would keep her in my life.”
“Really? It didn’t cross your mind at all?” Howie asked, searching his eyes.
“Nope. I didn’t put two and two together, all I thought about was my best friend being happy.” Howie stared at him for a few moments and when he decided he wasn’t lying he ended his interrogation.
“Don’t get your hopes up too high Aje…I can’t go after her after she just lost her husband.”
“I have a feeling that I have nothing to worry about.” AJ insisted giving his best friend a knowing look and he took Laila from him and turned around and walked out of the kitchen leaving him alone to think. Just as he stepped out of the kitchen Brian, Kevin, Detective Stabler, and Jerald came downstairs with Josh and Elenore.
“Aje, we’re going to the grocery store. Come with us, bring Laila.”
“Why?”
“I’ll tell you why once we leave,” Brian reassured.
“All right, just let me go upstairs and get a diaper bag ready,” AJ replied and he carried the two year old upstairs placing soft kisses on her forehead.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Here's the next chapter.
Enjoy =)
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