Chapter Three-Hundred-Ninety-Four
AJ and Kori walked to the park in complete and total silence. When they got there, AJ led the way to the Ramada and he stood up on the bench before sitting down on top of the table. Kori leaned against the pole and she looked at him curiously.
“Well? Are you going to tell me what was so important that you had to drag me out here and away from everybody just to talk to me or what?”
“I wanted to talk to you about Ashley.” Kori raised her eyebrow.
“By all means, please do. There are about a half a dozen things you could clear up for me right now.”
“I’m not telling you what happened earlier if that’s what you’re talking about,” AJ informed.
“I think I have a right to know! She is my sister too. Actually, she is more of my sister then yours if you want to be technical.”
“I don’t know what happened earlier myself, so I couldn’t tell you what happened even if I wanted to,” AJ told her calmly. “Nick hasn’t gotten a chance to talk to me about it. But I do however, want to talk to you about this competition you have going with me.”
“There is no competition. She is my sister and that is that.”
“Legally she is my sister now too, whether you like it or not and this feud over her has got to stop - right now because its taking its toll on her.”
“I will stop fighting for her the day you stop trying to replace me” Kori insisted stubbornly.
“I’m not trying to replace you.”
“Oh yeah? Tell that to Ashley!”
“I’m trying!” AJ snapped irritably.
“Doesn’t seem like it to me. Everytime I turn around you are always being the perfect sibling that I’m not therefore pulling her one more step away from me” Kori insisted as unwanted tears sprang to her eyes but she was careful not to let them fall. “Why cant you just step the hell away from her and give me a chance for a change? I’m trying to do the best I can here, but its really hard trying to live up to you! Everytime I turn around the bar you’ve set raises a little higher!”
“It is not my fault that she loves me Kori, and there is no way that you are going to get me to apologize for that either because I treasure her love very much.” Kori crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from him. “And I am not trying to replace you either. There is no way that I could even if I tried.”
“Oh no?” Kori challenged.
“No, there’s not. Because no matter how much she loves me, no matter how dedicated I am to her, there is no way that I could ever come close to replacing twelve years of her childhood with the sister that she once loved and looked up to.” Kori looked at him tearfully and he went on. “The sister that she thought of every single moment since the day you ran away. The sister that she aches for even now when she is standing right in front of you, and the sister that she still loves very much even when she acts like she doesn’t simply because it feels better.” Kori opened her mouth to reply and AJ cut her off. “I can’t replace that Kori. I can’t fill that empty hole in her heart that belongs to you alone. But I try my darndest to love and care for her the best I can because I was an only child growing up and the day my mom adopted her, she made me the happiest son alive.”
“That doesn’t stop Ashley from trying though, does it?” Kori asked bitterly.
“She can try all she wants but what you need to realize is that the only thing she is accomplishing by pulling me near is suppressing the pain. And I am trying my very best to get her to see this and give you a chance, so the least you can do is stop hating me over nothing. I am not the bad guy here, I am on your side. Okay?”
“You started it, not me” Kori insisted stubbornly. “You were the one who got all bitchy with me the moment we became ‘siblings’.”
“No I got bitchy with you because of the way you were doubting Nick but that is a completely different subject and all in the past now.”
“It was not just over the way I was doubting Nick, you made it your personal goal to make me out to be the worst sister ever. Its because of you bitching at me about wanting to live here that Ashley is so upset over the situation! Maybe if you’d been a little more supportive she would’ve started to realize that it’s not such a horrible thing and she wouldn’t be having these breakdowns right now!”
“I thought I was doing what was best for her at the time. The two of you were constantly arguing over the situation and it was taking such a huge toll on her. I love her and it kills me to see her so upset and hurting, so yeah, forgive me if I got a little protective of her but that’s what brothers do! I was only trying to live up to my new title.” Kori stood there staring at the ground and avoiding eye contact with him. “I could be supportive of the situation all you want. Nick and I can prepare her for the day to the best of our ability and we will, but its not going to change anything. The day it comes down to you leaving again it’s still going to hurt her and you aren’t going to be the one there who has to watch her go through with it. Just so you know.”
“There you go making me out to be the horrible sister again.”
“That is not my intention. If you feel horrible at all its your conscious doing it not me. But it’s the truth and sometimes it hurts, that’s just the way it is. What I need to know is, are you moving here with Wiley when this is all over or what?” Kori looked up into his serious brown eyes as tears clouded her own.
“I don’t know, I’m a little lost in what I want right now, but you already know that don’t you Mr. Eavesdropper?”
“Well, you need to make a decision.”
“Thank-you, Captain obvious.”
“I’m just saying that it’s not just yours, Wiley’s, and Scott’s hearts that are in jeopardy here, Ashley’s is too. I need to know whether or not Nick and I need to start preparing her for the inevitable.”
“And this is why I didn’t want anybody knowing about it. I’ll have the answer by the end of the trip, you can wait to hear it a long with everybody else. This is supposed to be my decision alone and I’m not going to let anybody pressure me.”
“Of course it’s your decision alone, and by all means please don’t listen to me or anybody else. It has to come from your heart and be what you truly want. I want you to be happy Kori…of course I do. I’m not the horrible guy you think I am. But I’m being honest with you here, if you choose to leave its me and Nick who have to help her through it.”
“Thanks for not pressuring me,” Kori replied sarcastically.
“I’m not trying to, and if you weren’t half as stubborn as you are, you would recognize that.” Kori threw her hands up in the air out of frustration.
“I just – I can’t think about what Ashley wants right now!” she snapped. “This is about me and what I’m going through, and the loves of my life, and a very important decision that I have to make. As selfish as this is going to sound, this is about me not her! And I wish everybody would quit trying to make it all about her!” AJ opened his mouth to argue and Kori cut him off before he could. “I know she’s been through a lot. I know I hurt her by running away. I know she is dealing with childhood wounds, but I AM TOO! I was effected by my parents’ death too I mean I’M the one burdened with five years of guilt after all and no one understands how hard it is to live with that!” she shouted, and she turned so her back was on him. “I get that whatever decision I make will effect her too, I get it. You don’t have to keep reminding me because the pressure of it is already burdening me enough and plaguing my every thought and its hard to make out which ones are MINE anymore. I just need sometime for ME, to figure out what I want. If you are the brother to me that you keep claiming to be, can you give me that ONE wish? You would give it to Ashley if she asked!” and with that, she stormed off toward the swing set and sat down on one of the swings moodily. AJ stared at her for a long moment, and then walked over there too before quietly sitting down on one of the swings beside her. “Did you ever stop think that maybe that might be a huge reason why I resent you so much?” Kori asked softly after awhile.
“All you seem to care about is Ashley. The only time you pay any attention to me is if I’ve done something to upset her. Did you ever stop to wonder if maybe that might hurt me a little?” When AJ seemed like he wasn’t going to reply and was just content in listening to what she has to say for once, Kori went on. “Maybe that’s a huge reason why I feel so compelled to be here. This is my world…I belong here. Everybody here loves me and welcomes me in and I just fit. Where as in Florida…that’s become her world. You all really love and care for her and have welcomed her into your family, and that’s great. I’m glad that she was able to find happiness after Sean and I took it all away. But where do I fit in the picture? I get that it will effect Ashley if I leave…but what about everybody else…what about you and Denise? Everytime I even start to think about trying to accept you as a family I just…don’t fit in.”
“We all love and care about you just as much as Ashley and we’ve always really wanted to get to know you the way we know her. But it just seems to us like you pull away even further everytime we try to get closer,” AJ spoke up after a moment when he knew she was finished. “You are always talking about how great Jersey is, how wonderful your friends and your new life here is…you are always reminding us that you want nothing more then to leave. Sometimes it feels like you care about your life here more then you do of us and you are just stuck with us because Stabler is making you stay.” He glanced over at her briefly as she sat there silently looking down at the sand as she swung slowly back and forth. “I tried to be your brother too in the beginning remember?” he asked gently. “And all you did was push me away so it’s only natural that I paid more attention to Ashley because she loves me and lets me in. If I had known how you felt I would’ve done everything in my power to fix it, because that’s just the kind of person I am.” Kori looked up at him in silence, finally making eye contact with him. “Maybe if you stopped and relaxed a little…instead of worrying about how much you miss Jersey and can’t wait to be back here and showed more interest in letting us in, you would get a better outcome.” When she didn’t reply, he continued. “Maybe that’s part of the reason why Ashley is so terrified of the thought of you being here. She sees it the way all of us do…you don’t care, you don’t want to be there, you aren’t trying at all to be apart of her family, you just want to run. Far away.”
“That’s not true,” Kori insisted suddenly. “Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can’t I be her sister and still live here in Jersey while she lives there? So many siblings live apart now a’ days its not such a big deal. Why can’t I be apart of her world and still have mine?”
“That’s what I am trying to tell you. You haven’t shown her that you want to be apart of both worlds. And it’s not just her that got that impression…all of us did. And that’s what’s made it so hard to connect with you. She doesn’t get it…you need to help her see that.”
“Why is it so hard for her to get? I don’t understand.”
“For someone who has experienced so much loss in her life it’s a really scary thing for her to come to terms with the fact that her only family member left is going to be so far away. All she remembers is you running away and she can’t let go of that. You need to help her see that you aren’t running away this time…you are just living in different state but you still love her and still want to be apart of her life as much as possible.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” Kori insisted while shaking her head. “That’s what I’ve been trying to do since the moment I walked into her life and she just pushes me away.”
“Maybe if her brother and sister got a long a lot better it would make a huge difference, don’t you think?” AJ asked while lightly nudging her in the arm the way only a brother would and despite everything, Kori smiled a little. “Let me and mom in…spend time with all three of us…let Ashley see us come together as a family. Make her see that you will be just as much apart of her world as you are of this one and maybe she might feel a little better about the idea. She just needs to know that no matter what decision you make, she’s not going to lose you again either way.” Kori looked at him in silence for a couple of moments.
“I’ll do that on one condition…” AJ arched his eyebrow at her in curiosity. “Do you want me to do this for only Ashley’s sake…or mine?” she asked him softly.
“I’m not going to lie to you – ever. So I’m going to have to say that I would really love to see Ashley happy. However, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to get to know my other sister too” AJ explained while swinging his arm around her shoulders as the two of them still sat on the swings. “I want you to know, that there is always room for more in the McLean family. You just have to want it.”
“You don’t think that I won’t be betraying my parents that way?” Kori asked softly. “Out with the old and in with the new?”
“Of course not,” AJ insisted, feeling incredulous that she would even think such a thing. “You love your mom and dad right? They’re in your heart, always, right?” Kori nodded as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “They’ve always been in my heart…they were in my heart when I ran away from them and they are in my heart now right a long side the guilt I carry.”
“Then they know it,” AJ promised while gently resting the side of his head against hers as his arm was still wrapped around her. “They will always know you love them and if they’re even half the parents that Ashley makes them out to be…and I have no doubt in my mind that they are, then they would want you to love and let in as much people as possible. My mom doesn’t want to replace your parents…not ever. She couldn’t even if she tried…the way Ashley talks about them makes it sound like they were one of a kind. You don’t even have to call her mom if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. Ashley calls her Momma Denise…that’s her way of dealing with it and we’re okay with that. We’ll be okay with whatever way you choose to deal with it in too. She just wants you to know that she cares and she is always here if and when you need her.”
“Kay,” Kori replied softly and the two of them sat there in silence for a long while, until AJ spoke up.
“So come on…talk to me. I like hearing how you feel for a change. I know you want to deal with this on your own…but what’s going on in the Wiley and Scott Delimma? I’m always open for giving advice….”
~*~*~*~*~
“Daddy? Daddy?” Ellie whimpered after flinching awake with a start and she reached back and grabbed hold of his arm for reassurance.
“I’m here princess, I’m right here,” Kevin promised and he slid his arms around her from behind and kissed the top of her head softly causing her to relax and settle in his embrace. She reached back and cupped his cheek in the palm of her hand and he leaned into it lovingly knowing she just needs to feel him near. “I love you,” Kevin reminded her quietly in her ear.
“Loves you too,” Ellie whispered back and she looked down at herself to see that sometime while she was sleeping he had put a shirt on her.
“How are you feeling, hmm?”
“Okay…” Ellie answered with a shrug of her shoulders.
“Okay enough…to go to, oh I don’t know…maybe Disney World?” Ellie whirled around and looked at him in utter surprise.
“We still gets to go??”
“Of course we do,” Kevin told her and he smiled some at the excitement in her eyes. “I think its important now more then ever that we go.” Ellie leaned up and kissed his cheek happily and he held her safely in his arms as he rolled out of bed and got to his feet. He carried her with him to her closet and he opened it up and got out a long sleeved red shirt, denim blue overalls, white vans with red hearts on them, and he began to dress her, something he has not been able to do in so long. He even went as far as doing her hair up in ribbons and even curls feeling the strong need to pamper her like he used to. “Meet me downstairs princess,” he told her when he finished and she hurried downstairs happily. Kevin grabbed her Donald Duck backpack with the leash on it that he bought specifically for this occasion and he filled it with essential needs before going downstairs and finding his family.
“Where is mom?” Kevin asked Jerald without even looking at him and he knelt down to put Ellie’s backpack on her.
“Brian’s house spending time with Jackie…what is this I hear about Disney World? Are you really still taking her?”
“What does it look like?” Kevin asked still not making eye contact. Jerald sat there quietly watching deciding that any attempt at conversation with his youngest brother right now would be useless. When Kevin got to his feet he gathered her in his arms and glanced back at Jerald briefly before heading for the door. “Are you coming or what?” he asked, and without a word Jerald hurried after him, feeling surprised that he is even still invited.
Author's Chapter Notes:
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