Nick can complain 'til his little heart's content about the llamas, but the llamas are a blessing compared to the horrors of that damn plane. Turbulence is bad enough, with the bouncing and the shaking and the weird noises and -- Ugh! But when a plane randomly decides to just, you know, stop working? THAT is the worst. I mean you pay for a plane ticket expecting to make it from point A to point B - in our case from Brazil to Peru - without having to walk. Well you know what? Next time, I don't care how tight Howard pulls the seat buckle strap - I'm getting off the plane. Because when that plane starts spiraling downward though the clouds to the earth below and there's nothing to cushion the fall except Nick's bony ass... that's freaking terrifying.
And there is no amount of damn llama body odor that will drown that out.
My name is Brian Littrell, and this is my story.
"Will you please calm down?" Howie asked, leaning across the aisle to touch my arm. "The plane is not going to crash."
"Howard," I said, my teeth were gritted, "Have you seen this plane? A slight breeze could tip it over. A gnat landing on the wing could send it flying like a rocket - a very small rocket - to the earth. This plane is smaller than Kevin's plane."
Howie rolled his eyes, but Nick laughed. "Dawg, it's true," he said, leaning forward to look over me at Howie, "The plane could fit in my bathroom."
AJ looked over the back of his seat, elbowing the woman next to him who glowered at him. "Sorry," he muttered. He turned to me. "You're still trippin' over the plane?"
"Okay, why are you people so shocked by this?" I demanded. "Have you seen this plane we're on? It's a tin can with wings..."
Nick laughed nervously. "It is sketchy."
"Brian," Howie said, his voice level, but losing patience, "I am telling you - I promise you with my soul... this plane is not going to---"
The plane shook.
Nick shrieked.
I ducked, covering my head.
AJ was thrown forward against the seat in front of his seat, arms flailing, striking the woman again, who didn't care as much this time.
Ding.
The captain spoke in rapid-fire Spanish.
Ever notice how panicky Spanish sounds when you don't have a clue what the hell is being said?
"What's he saying?!" I cried at Howie, grabbing his arm.
Howie raised an eyebrow and I dropped his arm.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. It looks like we're hitting some turbulence ahead. We ask that you return to your seats at this time and fasten you seat buckles and we will let you know when it is safe to take them off once again."
"We're going to fucking die," Nick whined, tugging his buckle across his lap.
AJ was rubbing his head and lowering into his seat ahead of us. He buckled his belt and I could see the back of his head bobbling as his hand rubbed it. Howie glared at Nick. "Will you please," he said, "Just stop panicking? Turbulence is a normal, every-flight occurr--"
Suddenly the air masks fell down.
You know the ones with the little cartoon illustrations that tell you not to put the masks on your kids first? The ones that are like let your kid die, save yourself you fool!
Only one popped out before Nick and I, though.
One mask. Two guys.
Nick and I glanced at each other for the slightest of seconds, and if Nick was thinking what I was thinking, it was something along the line of you're my best friend but no way in hell am I putting this on you before I put it on me.
We both jumped at the mask.
We clawed each other like little girls.
Nick's long fingers were no match for my longer nails. That's what you get for playing the guitar, blondie. I scratched the skin around his wrist and yanked the mask out of his hand. His fist punched at my shoulder as I pulled it on over my face.
"I'm gonna die!" he cried dramatically. "I can't breathe already!" he grabbed at his throat.
AJ glanced over his shoulder.
"Oh my God, the air is so thin," Nick wheezed.
I held the mask closer to my face.
Suddenly the second air mask fell out of the ceiling and the mouth piece clocked Nick in the head. He jumped at the impact of it. "OH MY GOD!" he yelled, "THE PLANE'S FALLING APART!"
"Its your oxygen, asshole," AJ yelled through his mask. His voice was muffled.
"Shit!" Nick grabbed at the mask and pulled it on, covering it with both hands and gasping as though he'd never breathed before.
At this point the plane was at a definite downwards tilt.
I looked at Howie.
If I wasn't scared absolutely, completely positively shitless I would've said I told you so.
But I really didn't want words of vengeance being the last words out of my mouth.
Nick, however, didn't seem to have that worry.
"HOWIE!!!!" he shrieked in a high-pitched voice that reminded me of thirteen year old him. "You fucking bastard! We told you!"
I looked at Nick.
"And YOU," he yelled at me, "You -- you ass, you were gonna let me die from lack of oxygen!"
"It says right on them to put it on yourself before a baby!" I cried.
"I'M NOT A BABY!" he yelled.
AJ turned around, "Fuckin' serious? You guys are freaking fighting and we're about to crash into the Ama-fucking-zon rain forrest?"
"We're way past the forrest actually," Howie in toned.
"SOOOOO NOT THE POINT HOWIE!" AJ yelled.
Nick's forehead crumbled, "I'm too sexy to die!"
And that, I'm proud to say ladies and gentlemen, would've been Nick's last words, had we been killed in the crash - because he no sooner got those words out than the plane hit the trees, and all we did was start yelling loudly. The plane dipped through the trees, dropped, level, to the ground, and bounced along, the trees taking out the wings with a loud ripping sound. Bang.... it bounced off the ground.... bang.... again... bang.... again...
Finally, the plane began slowing as it rolled along, the bouncing stopping, and we skid into a field... where the plane calmly stopped and rolled to its side.
We all fell to the left.
I landed on top of Nick's ass.
His ass bone was really sharp.
He really needs to eat more.
