Maybe hate is a strong word, cos I'd be a liar if I tried to say that I'll never eat the stuff again (I'm a big fan of PBJ, yanno?), but right now I'm really wishing bad things upon all peanuts everywhere. I mean, sure its not really the peanut butter's fault exactly, but I gotta blame somebody for what happened, and considering the peanut butter was what made them all go berserk, I'm thinking that somebody that has a velvety-smooth texture’s got a lot of "splainin'" to do...
Who the hell knew peanut butter made llamas horny? Well, besides AJ...
My name is Nick Carter and this is my story.
I kept my eyes on the rapist bastards from that moment on as we walked through the fields, suspicious of every glance the mutant giraffe-sheep gave me. I knew, just knew beyond a doubt, that the fuckers were planning something.
We were walking across the field the way everyone else had gone - assuming there was a hacienda village or something - and the llamas were watching us closely as we walked by them. It was the fucking weirdest thing... Yanno how like in the wild west, like in friggin Montana or some shit, they got like fields of big ass buffalo thingies?? Well like in Peru apparently they got that too with these sheep-giraffe rapist bastards.
"How many do you think there are?" Brian asked looking at the sea of llamas.
"Too fucking many," I grumbled.
"Word," agreed AJ, who was the only one that I felt understood my pain. After all, he got mouth-raped by a sheep bastard, too.
"This is probably a llama farm," Howie said. He was in a really crappy mood because I'd been so hyper. Apparently I got on his nerves but I'd like to see him not get all pissed over an inappropriate llama nuzzle.
"I was thinking that, too," Brian said, always the suck-up. "I mean its not like they're wild animals."
"They're fucking twisted animals," AJ said.
"Rapist animals," I added.
Howie sighed and led the way along through the llamas. We'd been walking for like freaking ever and the plane was now a pitiful lumpy looking dot on the far horizon. We climbed a hill that had Brian winded before we reached the top. We came over the crest and AJ stopped short.
"Fucking kidding me?" he asked.
I looked over AJ’s shoulders.
"I hate you Howie Dorough!" I yelled, rounding on him.
Beyond the mountain we'd already climbed lay another fucking field of more fucking rapist sheep. They dotted the grass like giant four-legged Easter eggs. Brian even groaned when he saw the stretch of grass that led to yet another mountain, and not a single hacienda in sight.
"Why are you blaming ME for this?" Howie demanded hotly. "I'm pretty sure I didn't crash the plane."
"You made us stay on the plane!" Brian joined my bitching easily.
"And now we're stuck in a never fucking ending alternate universe filled with fucking rapist giraffes!" I yelled.
"They're llamas actually," Howie snapped, "and it didn't fucking rape you!"
"His face was IN MY ASS!!"
"FYI that isn't the body part he'd be inserting if he was raping you!" Howie bellowed.
Brian looked thoroughly disturbed.
“Do we have to talk about the damn llamas?” AJ asked.
“I’m hungry,” I bitched, and with that, I planted myself on the ground, sitting in the grass, my arms crossed and mouth turned into a scowl.
“We could barbeque a llama,” AJ snorted.
Brian looked down at me, “Nick, throwing a tantrum isn’t going to help,” he said in a tone I know he’s used on Baylee in Wal-Mart.
“I’m not,” I said in a tone that clearly meant that I was.
Howie clutched his forehead with his hand and closed his eyes, muttering something in Spanish.
“You assholes can stay here,” AJ said shrugging and walking down the hill, “I’m going on – I’m not spending any more time with these fucking llamas than I have to.”
Howie stepped around me and started following AJ, leaving me and Brian on the side of the hill. Brian stared after them as they reached the bottom and started walking between the herds.
Brian looked down at me again. “C’mon, Nick,” he said patiently. “Let’s go.”
“No, I’m done. I don’t wanna be around llamas and I’m starving to death. I’m gonna lay here and die.” I laid back onto the grass.
Brian’s eyebrow raised, “Well, I’m not staying here, so…”
“Bye then,” I said.
Brian sighed. “Nick…”
I knew he wouldn’t leave.
“I’m telling you, I’m gonna be just a rotting corpse among the llamas,” I muttered. I closed my eyes.
Brian knelt down and opened his carry on bag and started rummaging around. He finally unearthed a large ziplock bag of Ritz crackers stuck together with peanut butter. He held them out to me. “Here.”
I sat up and took the bag. “Sustenance!” I cried, opening it.
“Yeah,” Brian laughed, “They were Baylee’s from this morning, I just remembered them. Now can we go with AJ and Howie, please?” he asked. I had already stuffed a cracker in my mouth, and it was sticking to the roof of my palette and I was doing that tongue thing trying to scrap it off, like a dog. I nodded and Brian waited while I got up from the ground and shouldered my backpack. “Okay, let’s go then,” he said.
We started walking down the hill, following after Howie and AJ. I was so engrossed in eating the peanut butter crackers, that I didn’t even notice the attention Brian and I were getting as we were making our way through the herd of rapist sheep until Brian stopped and looked around. “Uhh…”
“What?” I asked around a mouthful of sticky cracker.
“I think… they may want your crackers,” he said.
That’s when I realized we were completely surrounded by llamas. It looked like a scene out of like Fight Club or something. They were fricking everywhere, every angle, staring with their beady, evil eyes. I backed up into Brian just as he backed up into me and we stood there, back to back, as the llamas closed in.
“Nice llama,” Brian squeaked, “Pretty llama…”
