I know the other guys are being really creative with their chapter starters and coming up with new stuff to tell you about, but seriously I'm not that original. I'm still hating the same thing I was hating an hour ago, and that's Nick. I'll give him credit, though, at least it's for a different reason. I mean, no, he's not running naked with llamas anymore, but he won't shut up. Yes, we know he's hungry, we know he's tired. Because we know, he does not need to keep repeating it, correct? Actually, I shouldn't really narrow it down to Nick because AJ and Brian are pretty low on my shitlist right now, too. AJ with his damn blisters and Brian with the cell phone reception obsession... I swear to God if we don't find a way out of this hole soon, I'm going to fucking kill myself in self defense.
Nick would probably eat my remains.
My name is Howie Dorough and this is my story.
"There's still no reception," Brian was holding his cell phone aloft, squinting to see how many bars he had.
Somewhere among the llamas AJ had given Brian the brilliant idea of trying to call someone for help. Brian had then turned it into talking to his wife, and had been trying to get reception in, waving his phone around and dancing like he was performing in a ballet, trying to get reception in. It was like watching a live action version of one of those US Cellular ads with Joan Cusack balanced in precarious positions around town.
"I'm hungry," Nick whined.
AJ kicked his hips with his heels like he was riding a horse.
I tried to ignore them.
"There's gotta be something," Brian muttered, walking backwards and holding his phone like it was a satellite of some sort.
"And I'm tired," Nick added, ignoring Brian's words all together.
"Giddyap, or I'm shippin you off to become glue," AJ joked, nudging Nick's hips again.
Nick stopped short, "Yo, I am not a horse, okay? Jesus, I'm trying to help you out so you don't gotta walk on your fucked up feet."
AJ laughed.
"Oh! Oh!" Brian's voice climbed, "OH!... wait.. is it?? Oh." His voice dropped. "Nevermind."
We were about to crest yet another hill. I was praying beyond all prayer that a village waited on the other side of this hill. I didn't think I could take another minute of my brothers.
"I'm hungry" Nick complained.
"You could eat the grass, like a good pony," AJ suggested, laughing.
"That's it." Nick stood upright, dumping AJ off his back. AJ slid to the ground, grabbing at Nick's shirt, trying to catch himself before he fell. The neckline of Nick's shirt flew to his throat, and he choked, clutching at it, and falling backwards.
"Aw shit," AJ groaned in a high-pitched voice as Nick landed on top of him, his elbow landing in a very unfortunate place.
Nick sat up and looked at AJ, whose hands had flown to cover his crotch. "That's what you get for being a dick," Nick said in a vengeful tone.
AJ rolled onto his side, "Could I be in just a little more pain today?" he asked, "Jeeeeeesus."
Brian, oblivious to the drama going on right at his feet, whipped around and stepped on AJ's foot as he was searching for a signal.
"FUCKING A!" AJ cried, sitting up quickly.
I sighed, "C'mon guys we're almost there," I gestured toward the top of the hill, "Can we please keep the dramatics at a minimum until we get there at least?"
Brian's eyes lit up, "I bet I get reception up there."
I closed my eyes and tried to count to ten as Brian frolicked away up the hill, cell phone high over his head, shiner reflecting the sun.
"I can't go on," AJ muttered, shaking his head, "I'm fucking going to lay here and die among the llamas." He laid back onto the grass.
"Will you all stop trying to leave your damn carcasses among the llamas?" I pleased, "Jesus. Come on." I reached out a hand for AJ's as Nick leaped to his feet.
"So we're almost there?" Nick asked.
"I think so," I answered hopefully.
"Good 'cos I'm starving," he said.
I gritted my teeth. "Come on AJ." He was just staring at my hand.
Finally, he took hold of it, and I pulled him to his feet, but he was only on his feet for a mere second before he dropped back down to the ground and curled his legs up, clutching his toes. "Shiiiiit," he moaned, hugging them to his stomach.
Nick stared at AJ. "Aw, does your feet still hurt widdle Ayy-jaayyyy?" he asked in a mock baby voice.
"I am not walking," AJ scowled.
"Nick, carry AJ again," I commanded.
"Me? Hell no, carry the prick yourself," Nick answered, "I'm exhausted, no way."
"Nick, it's just a little further," I said, exasperated.
Nick shook his head, "This horse is glue, remember?" he pointed at his own chest. "Let him ride a fuckin' llama."
"DO NOT," AJ shouted, "PUT ME ON A LLAMA."
Nick sniggered.
AJ looked at me.
I looked at AJ.
"There's only one option man," I said.
AJ shook his head, "You are not popping my blister.
"You gotta walk," I said.
AJ looked at Nick, "I'll be nice to you."
"This horse has sailed..." Nick answered. He paused. "This ship is -- I-- the horse is --" he stammered. He paused, trying to collect his thoughts and complete the sentence in his head. He squinted in concentration. Despite the lunacy of the moment, AJ and I both stared at him, waiting for him to work it out. "Yanno what?" he said finally, "Just no."
"Fuck you Carter," AJ said, pointing at him, "I would've carried you!"
"You wouldn't give me oxygen on the plane!" Nick replied. He paused. "No wait, that was Brian." He paused again, looking up at the sky.
"Oh Jesus Christ," I muttered. I grabbed at AJ's chick boot.
"Keep your latin hands off me!" AJ yelled, kicking as I caught the heel and the toe of the red leather in my hand and stared yanking. He rolled on to his stomach and attempted to crawl away.
"Oh yeah! You put llama shit down my pants!" Nick said, clicking his fingers, "I knew you did something to me that made me not like you right now."
Brian suddenly reappeared as I got AJ's boot off and caught him by the ankle. AJ was clawing at the grass, digging it up and wriggling. "There's no reception up top, either."
"Did you see a restaurant by any chance?" Nick asked, "Maybe a pizza place?"
"IN PERU?" AJ, momentarily distracted by Nick's stupidity, flipped onto his back to look at him and stared blankly. I whipped out the needle I'd gotten out of the sewing kit in my bag when AJ had first mentioned his blisters to me, and quickly stabbed AJ in the foot with it. "JESUS!!!!!!" he screamed. About fifteen llamas looked over.
Nick leaped backwards - whether from the staring llamas or the waterfall of liquid that fell out of AJ's blister, I couldn't tell - his eyes wide and palms up. Brian closed his eyes, wincing, at AJ's foot.
"Yanno, I'm not really hungry anymore now," Nick said quietly.
AJ was punching me in the back, "You fucker, you fucker," he repeated over and over, "You didn't even fucking warn me."
"Well consider this fair warning for foot number too," I answered, grabbing at the second boot.
"You think I'm voluntarily letting you repeat that?!" AJ bellowed, he kicked again, catching Nick in the ankle with the toe of the boot.
"OW!" Nick dropped to the ground, clutching his ankle. "What the fuck man?" He grabbed at AJ's boot, too.
Brian had turned back to his cell phone.
With some struggle and trepidation, we managed to get the second boot off AJ and poke the other blister with the needle as well. Nick moved out of the line of fire and made a face as it gushed the pus. "That is so fucking gross," he groaned.
AJ was moaning. "I need morphine," he muttered, "The pain is too great."
"It wasn't that bad, stop it," I said, shoving the needle back into the sewing kit and dropping it into my bag again.
"It was SURGERY," AJ snapped, "I need pain killers. Christ."
"I have Advil," Nick suggested helpfully.
AJ sat up, grumbling, and muttering something about not wanting Nick's help. He grabbed the boot that sat by his left knee, and looked around. "Where the hell's my other boot?" he asked.
"Maybe the fashion police came and confiscated it as evidence," I snapped.
Nick pointed over my shoulder, a laugh growing on his face.
AJ turned around, as did I.
A llama stood a couple feet away, a bright red boot in his mouth, gnawing.
"You fucker," AJ gasped. He struggled to his feet, favoring his toes, keeping them from the ground by splaying them up and walking primarily on his heels. He moved toward the llama, arms outstretched, as the animal stood, staring blankly at him, a bored expression in its eyes, chewing serenely. "Gimme the boot, bitch," AJ whispered.
"Careful," Nick whispered, too, "They got kung-fu moves."
I rolled my eyes. "This is the most ridiculous day, ever. I swear to God, one of us better be dreaming all of this crap." I looked at Nick, "And it better be you, because I hate to think any of the rest of us is this fucked in the head."
Nick frowned.
AJ was really close to the llama now. He reached out a tentative hand.
The llama dropped the boot.
He stared at AJ.
AJ stared at the llama.
"Oh shit," Nick whispered, "You pissed it off."
"I pissed it off?" AJ whispered back, scared sounding, "How can you tell?"
"I just know," Nick answered, "I can feel it's anger."
"Shit."
The llama opened its mouth slowly.
AJ's eyes widened.
The llama's teeth were showing.
"It's gonna eat you!" Nick hissed.
AJ was frozen.
The llama puckered its lips.
"It's gonna KISS you," Nick hissed.
The llama spit.
A big... fat... juicy... phlegmy... wad of llama spit smacked AJ square in the center of his face, oozing between his eyes and down the bridge of his nose.
"Or that," Nick said.
AJ just stood there, still frozen, a look of utter disbelief on his face.
"I GOT RECEPTION!!!!!!" Brian screamed.
Nick and I turned - AJ was still in shock, staring at the llama - and saw Brian balanced precariously on the branch of a tree, his eyes bright, phone held aloft, "WHO DO I CALL? WHO DO I CALL!?" he cried.
"GHOST BUSTERS!!!" Nick screamed back.
I rolled my eyes. "CALL THE COPS!! OR THE US EMBASSY!" I yelled.
"WAIT! SCREW GHOST BUSTERS!! PIZZA!!!!!!!!" Nick screamed, "CALL FOR PIZZA!!!"
"NO." AJ's voice was dead calm, low, anger-laced. "Call a fucking llama sniper."
