Chapter 34
Amanda helped Nick clean the blood off of his face and smiled at him...she loved him more than ever for standing his ground during the argument. Nick had grown up in so many ways and she was proud of the man he had become.
"How is your hand?" she asked as her eyes fell on the cuts. His right hand was scraped and bruised, it didn't seem to faze him.
"It will be fine. Sorry about the wall, I will fix it. Just seeing him kiss you made everything just...explode." Nick explained, looking away from her.
"Why? I would never leave you...."
"That's not the point, baby. I have been feeling so down lately....you said you were leaving me to AJ...it hurt. I felt like I wasn't good enough for you. I dunno why you keep choosing me....Brian is perfect. I am a mess." Nick said softly.
"Baby, you aren't perfect but that's what I love about you...I love you for your faults...you're perfect to me." Amanda said.
"Really? I have been depressed and moody, emotional..."
"I know that sweetheart, but this is who you are. I understand that you have had a hard life. Nobody is perfect, I like you the way you are." she told him, smiling. Nick was and had always been this way...mostly due to his mother and from when he went to live with Brian's family. Lance hadn't helped much either.
"Can I tell you why I have felt like that?" Nick asked as they walked back to the bedroom and sat on the bed. They laid next to each other, talking.
"Please do." Amanda said, looking at him eagerly.
"Remember when I started walking again? When I got the leg cast off?"
"Yes, I do."
"You told me I looked like I did when I was 15....remember?" Nick asked. Amanda nodded, she remembered how he had looked so sick...his mother had been starving him as part of the abuse...he was very thin and sick looking. After his car accident, Nick had lost too much weight and his hair grew out. He had looked like a teenager again.
"When I walked away from you...I looked in the mirror and saw myself at 15. I felt ugly." Nick confessed. Amanda held him as he teared up. She knew this was a sore spot for Nick.
"You're not ugly, baby."
"I know...but then my mom got into my head and I started to think. I felt ugly. I felt that you didn't want me."
"So you started eating more?" Amanda asked, recalling how drastic his eating habits had changed then.
"Yes, I did. I ate and ate....even when I wasn't hungry. I just felt empty. I started drinking more too. I wanted to fix it. Then I saw the fans saying I was too thin and looked sick. I ate even more. Then I looked at myself again...I was fat. No matter what I did I felt ugly." Nick whispered. Amanda rubbed his back gently and kissed his forehead.
"You would never be ugly to me."
"Then I heard JC was performing at the club. I heard he was taking my place."
"I would never replace you, Nicky. My club was losing money without you and JC offered to help. Without him I would have gone bankrupt." Amanda told him as she stroked his hair.
"That night after the rehearsal....I felt the worst I have felt in a few months. I came home and opened a six pack of beer....I started drinking."
"Nick-"
"I...I drank because I felt empty...I drank to make the pain stop. Then I got a headache and took the pills." he explained. Amanda held him tight, remembering walking into the empty house and finding him on the floor...unconscious and barely breathing.
"Nick, I know you said you weren't trying to kill yourself, but that night you scared all of us. I know you have been feeling depressed and I am so sorry about that...but why didn't you talk to me about it?" she asked softly, snuggling next to him.
"I was ashamed. I had started to give up on myself. I felt like I was losing everything I loved, including you. My career means nothing without you in my life, baby."
"You will never lose me."
"I am so sorry I put you through all of this, but things will get better, I am seeing a therapist and I hired a personal trainer to get fit again. I lost weight on my own but I need help." Nick replied, kissing her.
"I am proud of you. I would never leave you, no matter who tries to change my mind. We belong together." Amanda said. Nick smiled at her, she looked beautiful at that moment and he kissed her again.
"Brian still loves you....when he kissed you I saw the love in his eyes...you need to talk to him."
"He does? I thought he was over our breakup." Amanda protested, frowning.
"He isn't...I can tell. I know the kiss was a mistake because I have been there myself. I know what it's like to love someone that doesn't love you back. I am gonna overlook it but you should talk to him."
"I don't want to hurt him, baby. Brian is a good friend....I don't want to ruin our friendship."
"Brian will understand. Just trust me...its better to get things out in the open." Nick said.
"Okay I will talk to him." Amanda reasoned, kissing him again. Nick smiled at her, feeling content for the first time in a while.
"I missed being like this with you...depression sucks."
"I know a cure for that."
"You do?" he asked, puzzled. Grinning, Amanda straddled him and started undressing. Nick smiled, his eyes twinkling as he looked at her body...he hated fighting but the making up part was his favorite.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Back with a new chapter. Hope you all like it!
