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As soon as I put my pen to my journal, pounding sounded from the front door. I rolled my eyes and sighed as I shut my journal and slid it onto my night table, next to a book I was currently reading. I knew it had to be Gage. I sat there for a few minutes, hoping that if I didn’t answer he would just leave me alone. Unfortunately, the pounding just got worse and I decided to go ahead and make my way out to the door.

I knew I should have just answered the damn phone, but the truth was, I just didn’t want to listen to him. Gage tended to be quite domineering. He always means well, but sometimes he doesn’t quite recognize that he goes overboard with things. All I really wanted to do was curl up in bed with my body pillow and blankets. Perhaps make some hot tea and just be alone. I’ve already gone to a meeting; that was the best thing I could do for myself. Now I just needed time to process my emotions over everything. I needed that to be able to continue the day, not being bombarded with countless questions that I don’t want to answer. The day had already been exhausting so far, and it wasn’t even close to being over yet. I hadn’t even determined if I wanted to make an appearance at work. I thought perhaps a distraction would be nice, but I also don’t think I should be putting holes in people when I clearly have my mind on something else.

I could physically feel the irritation of being bothered build up inside me as I walked to the door. Right before my hand made it to the doorknob, I heard Gage slide his key into the deadbolt. I stopped, placing my hands on my hips, fuming. Sometimes I really regret having ever given him a key. He pushed on the door, but it wouldn’t budge; I always made sure the chain was slid in place whenever I was home.

“Shit!” Gage exclaimed as the door wouldn’t open completely. I could barely see him through the slight opening the chain on the door had allowed. He made eye contact, and his attitude softened. “Harley! Are you okay? Can you let me in?”

“Why should I?” I questioned.

He frowned. “Because I need to talk to you?”

“No, you don’t want to talk. You want to bitch at me, and I am really not up for that. I told you I would call you.”

“But you didn’t!” His voiced raised a bit. “I have been worried about you! Now open the damn door!”

I stood there for a moment, contemplating what to do. I was distraught that he couldn’t leave me alone, and yet I knew I probably sounded irrational earlier on the phone. I had certainly felt irrational. I understood why Gage insists on keeping such a close eye on me, but sometimes I resent it.

I finally decided to let him in and threw the latch and chain back. The door opened without hesitation this time. I turned my back and made my way to an overstuffed forest green reclining chair that faced the great fireplace in the center of the wall opposite to the door. “What do you want, Gage?” I threw over my shoulder, fully aware of the answer.

He followed me over, coming around the chair and looking me in the eye. “You know exactly why I am here, Harley. Don’t be like this.”

“Don’t be like this?!” I cried. “You don’t be like this! I don’t call you when you think I should, or I don’t answer when you call me a thousand times, and I’m the one who has a problem?”

“You call me this morning, upset, saying you went and visited your dad and Zane, and then you go to a meeting, and then I don’t hear from you. I am here for you, Harley. I need to make sure you’re alright.” He expounded, anger starting to drip from his voice.

“I told you I would call you later, Gage!” I said, annoyance strengthening my voice.

He looked hurt. “Don’t get upset with me, Harley! I don’t know what is going on with you today. You can’t really expect me to sit at home and wait around for you to decide whether or not you’re okay! You had to go to a meeting today. How long has it been since you’ve done that?!”

“You told me to go home and not come in to work today! Sounds like you already knew what I was doing!” I spat out. “And why does it matter how long it has been since I have been to a meeting? I am an addict, Gage. I always will be. If I feel like I need to go to a meeting, I will damn well go to a meeting, and it has nothing to do with you!”

Gage knelt down to meet my eyes, and I could see the fury slowly creating tension. He inched closer to my face and gritted his teeth. “Did you even go to a meeting earlier, Harley? Are you sure you didn’t just decide to drink?”

I slapped him and pushed him out of my way as I got up from the chair and walked away from him. “How dare you, Gage! Does 11 months sober mean anything to you?!” I was seething now. He always did this to me, always pushed me to my breaking point when things didn’t go the way he demanded they do. “I am tired of your bullshit and your rage you try to disguise as concern!”

“Does relapse mean anything to you? Do you realize what you did to yourself today? Do you realize how dangerous the choice that you made could have been? You are right, Harley, you are an addict. You are the one that needs to remember that! I refuse to watch you die!” he had gotten in my face again, backing me up until I could feel the door handle to the basement digging into my back. He had both hands on either side of my head, and his eyes were harsh just like his words.

“Your scare tactics do not work on me, remember?” I seethed as I pushed him out of the way again. “Do not try to turn this around on me, either! You need to chill the fuck out, or get out of my house!” I once again crossed my arms, taking up post next to the front door. It wasn’t the first time Gage attempted to pull this approach on me, but I had been done letting him guilt trip me years ago.

His eyes relaxed and he lowered his voice. “Harley, no, babe, listen. I know you didn’t drink. I just get so worried about you. And you not answering your phone scared me to death. I know you. I know how you crawl up inside yourself after meetings, and how you shut out the world. I care about you, Harley. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.” He held out his arms, offering the closest thing to an apology I would get from him.

I gave up and walked into his arms. “I get so tired of you being so angry with me all the time. How long is it going to be until you will trust me? What is it I have to do to prove to you I can take care of myself?” I asked, burying my face against his chest. He was almost a foot taller than my 5’2” height. He smelled just like he always did, so familiar it put me at ease. He wrapped his arms around me and sighed.

“It’s not like that, Harley. I do trust you. But it’s difficult to let you go when I know everything you have been through and I know how you react. I just know you, and you know that.” He said as he gently rubbed my back. I let my body sag against his and started to cry, emotions coming back to the forefront of my mind.

“It’s been five years, Gage. Five years since they left me. Five years since my entire world came crashing down. Five years since I was forced to figure out how the hell to live somewhat normally. How could they do this to me? Why me, Gage? Why?!” I cried. How dare they do this to me?

“Shh” Gage said soothingly. He continued to stand there until I finally gave up and sank down onto the floor, hugging my knees close to my chest. He sat down across from me and gathered me in his arms again. “It’s going to be alright, Harley. We will get you through this. We always do.”

While it’s true, I have made it this far, his words didn’t mean shit to me at the moment. I didn’t know how I was going to recover this time. Five years hit me a lot harder than I imagined, and I felt even more lost than I had before I had visited them. I didn’t feel like doing anything, and I found myself hoping Gage would just go ahead and leave me so I could be alone.

When I was done crying, Gage let go of me and stood up, holding out his hand to me. “Come on, babe. How about I make you a bath and some tea, and then I’ll get out of here and you can have your alone time? I could come back tonight and make us dinner after I close up shop.”

I sat there, looking up at him. He amazed me. Sometimes I couldn’t quite grasp his ability to go from explosive to sweet in a matter of seconds. But this was the same Gage I’ve known since I was a kid. I had instantly gotten a crush when my brother had invited him to the house for the first time, even though we were just children. That seemed like eons ago. Gage still had a heart of gold; he’d just built up a wall of thorns around it since then. He was the one person I had left in my life, the one that knew the most of my story, the one that has stuck around for me. He was here to comfort me when dad and Zane were gone. He knew how close my family and I were.

Staring up into those now calm blue eyes, I once again realized I wouldn’t have been able to make it this far without him. As independent as I want to be, he has been a solid rock when I have needed him. He has always dropped everything to help me if it’s needed.

It was a shame things didn’t work out between us. We are much better off friends, but it would have just been so easy had it worked out for us. However, as much as I love Gage, I hate being coddled, and I hate feeling like I’m in competition with someone constantly. Gage also has to be continually on the go, doing something all the time. I just couldn’t handle it, especially with everything I was going through. It was tough to keep boundaries between us though. Thankfully, that mess of an experiment hadn’t deterred our friendship in the least.

“It sounds fine to me.” I said, grabbing his hand and pulling myself up. “A bubble bath would be preferred, and I just bought some new Lady Grey tea, it’s in the pantry.” I headed for my bathroom and got a towel and washcloth from the closet.

“No, Harley, you just sit down and relax. I will take care of it all.” He softly guided me through the bathroom door into my bedroom. After he left me to run the bath water, I shut the door and changed into my silk cerulean robe. I went out to the kitchen to get the tea while Gage was running the bath. He came and saw me standing there.

“I told you I was going to get that for you.” He said, opening the microwave and placing the tea bag in the cup of water.

“It’s okay, I’m capable.” I laughed. “You need to get to work anyway. I’ll see you later tonight.” I walked to the front door and opened it.

“You’re sure you’re going to be alright?”

“Yes, I’ll be fine. I’m going to take a bath and go to bed. I’m tired.” I waited for him to come to the door.

“Alright. I’ll see you later tonight then. Enjoy your bath and your nap.” He said, kissing the top of my head. Then he was gone and I shut and locked the door behind him. I was thankful to finally be alone. I was going to enjoy it. I grabbed my tea out of the kitchen, picked up a book from my room, and locked myself in the bathroom.