I grabbed my glass and put it to my lips, and downed the entire drink. It burned all the way down. I smiled as I felt it hit my belly, and AJ grinned back at me.
“Another!” he said, signaling for Summer. She brought us another round, and I finished the second drink quicker than the first. Quicker than AJ, even. I just looked at him.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing.” I smiled, and he smiled back. “Who was bothering you on your phone?”
“Oh, someone I used to think was a friend of mine. I’m not so sure anymore.” He stared off, looking at something I wasn’t sure was really there.
“Does the alcohol have anything to do with that?” I asked.
“Right now, or any other time?” he ran a hand through his hair. “The alcohol has a major part in it, but this is something that’s been going on for a while now. See, I work with these guys, and they all have their own opinion about what’s going on and what I’m doing. I’m trying to do right by them, but I think that’s part of the problem I am having. I need to get sober for me. Not them.” He explained.
I knew exactly what he was talking about. I went through the same thing. Trying to get sober for somebody else wasn’t going to work; it never did. “It doesn’t work like that.” I looked into his eyes.
“I’m figuring that out. These guys have this picture of what I’m supposed to be like in their heads, and I’ve tried for so long to conform to that and it’s just not working. I need to worry about me now. It’s not even just about getting sober. It’s about me being me. I’m just trying to figure out who I am in all of this.” He took out another cigarette and lit up. I did the same.
“You know, I did exactly the same thing you are doing now. Well, maybe not exactly the same, but I was trying to find myself during all of the drug and alcohol use. Some bad shit happened and I lost myself for a long time, and it took me a while to get myself back.” I turned towards him, wondering if it was really okay to be spilling all of this to him. “But you have to do it for you, and not for anybody else. It took me a long time to realize that.” I gestured for Summer again. “Can we get another round please?”
We had three more drinks, and I was feeling pretty good. Things were getting a little fuzzy for me, and I was enjoying it all. My inhibition was down, and I was feeling pretty loose. I missed this feeling.
“Hey,” AJ said, leaning into me, mouth close to my ear, “Want to do a couple bumps with me?”
I pulled back and just looked at him. “No,” I said, “I don’t think so. But go have fun.” I didn’t do cocaine. I didn’t know he did either. He got up and winked at me. I wondered if I should get up and leave, knowing that I didn’t particularly like being around drugs like that. But it wasn’t like he was doing them around me, right?
“I’ll be right back.”
I looked at Summer and she brought me another drink. “He sure is a looker.” She said.
“What?”
“Well he is! He has a great smile. You guys are cute together.”
“Oh, no. we aren’t together. I just met him recently.” I sputtered, hastily grabbing my glass. Someone placed their hands on my shoulders and I jumped. AJ started laughing.
“Not funny”, I said sticking out my tongue at him. I finished my drink and sat it down on the bar. “Let’s go outside,” I said, “I’m getting hot in here.”
“Okay”. We made our way to the back patio, where there was just one couple out there huddled up close to each other. I took a seat at one of the tables, AJ sat across from me. The breeze was a little chilly.
“Here, take this” AJ shrugged out of his jacket, leaning towards me.
“Oh, no, I am fine.”
“Take it, please.” I took the jacket and put it on. It smelled like smoke and cologne. I pulled my hair out from under the jacket. A phone went off in the pocket, and I pulled it out and gave it to AJ. He looked at it and grimaced.
“Damn, they won’t leave me alone!” he silenced his phone, slamming it down on the table.
“So what is it that you do, AJ?” I asked, curious. All this talking about these guys he worked with made me question what he actually did for a living.
He sat there for a minute, like he was deciding what he wanted to tell me. “I work in entertainment.”
I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. I didn’t push. “Your friends, do you think they feel like it’s somewhat their responsibility to help you?”
“I am not sure, but I’m assuming they feel like it’s their responsibility to help, even just a little bit. It’s just that they have these ideas of what needs to happen, and they want it on their schedule, and they want it done their way, and I just can’t do that. I need it to be on my time, my schedule. I need to figure things out for myself, and it doesn’t help when they are all breathing down my neck.” AJ said, taking a drink of his Jack and Coke. I looked at him for a minute.
“These guys you work with, you’re awfully close with them, aren’t you?”
“I have known them for years. A lot of years, and they are like brothers to me. And that’s why I think it’s so hard. We are so so close and we’ve been in each other’s lives constantly for so long that it’s just hard to pull away from them and to separate ourselves. I know they want what’s best for me, but what they think is best and what I think is best are two different things and we keep clashing on how to get there.” AJ paused and took a drink, spilling a little over the side of his glass. He pulled out a cigarette and held it between his fingers, not lighting it. “But I think it was good for me to move away and put some distance between us even if I still feel like I can’t breathe. AA has to work. I need it to work. I need it work really bad. I just got out of rehab about two weeks ago and that was shit. Maybe I need to go again. I don’t know. I don’t seem to know anything at this point. Would you help me figure things out?”
“How am I supposed to help you when I can’t even help myself?” I whispered, closing my eyes. I was feeling sorry for myself all of a sudden.
“What do you mean?” he turned towards me.
“I just, look at me. I’m a mess. I just threw away my sobriety. I am not strong enough anymore. It’s been five years, A.J.” I blurted out.
“Five years for what?”
I sighed, biting my lip. “Five years since my dad and my brother died. They were my world. My mom died when she was giving birth to Zane and I. I never knew her. But my dad and my brother, we were all very close. I was devastated when it happened. I still am. It tears me up every day. It’s my fault. It should have been me!” I started crying, knowing I looked like a complete idiot. I didn’t care.
“I’m so sorry Harley. That sucks. What happened?”
I wrapped A.J.’s jacket around me tighter. “A motorcycle accident. My dad took my brother out for his first ride. They had the right of way with a green light and a semi ran his red light. They didn’t have a chance.”
A.J. scooted his chair closer to me and grabbed both of my hands, rubbing his thumbs over the insides of my wrists. “I wish I could say its okay, but it’s not, not really. I’m sorry you had to go through that. No wonder you’re such a mess.” He wiped my tears away from my cheek and laughed. I smiled, enjoying the tenderness of his fingers on my face. I snuggled up close to him, clinging onto his shirt, burying my face in his neck, and he put his arms around me and just held me for a while, letting me cry.
After a bit, I let go of him and leaned back. “Sorry about that.” I apologized, looking down at my nails, starting to pick at them. I felt better though, better than I had in a few days. Even though I didn’t really know A.J., I was beginning to feel like we could be friends, like maybe we could help each other out. We seemed to have something in common; the emotions that drive us to drinking and drugs.
“Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry for that. Ever. I meant it.” A.J. said, eyes serious. “Nothing wrong with venting.” We sat in silence for a little while, and I was thinking about everything I just told him. I don’t tell people my story, I feel like it’s too personal. “Hey, you know what? Let’s go dance. Let’s take our minds off things. You need cheered up, before we lose our buzz. What do you say?” A.J.’s eyes lit up, like he had this major epiphany and it was the greatest idea he’d ever thought of.
“Um, sure.” I got out of my chair and stumbled, A.J. grabbing my arm. He laughed. He grabbed my hand and walked me back into the bar and over to the dance floor. I stood there, waiting for the room to stop spinning. I hadn’t danced in a long time. I wasn’t very good at it, but I did enjoy it. A.J. suddenly put his arm around my back and pulled me in close to him, and I started swaying to the music. He smiled at me again and we danced together, a bit awkwardly, until finally I caught the rhythm of the music. I moved my arms up to rest on his shoulders while we grinded against each other. Touching his forehead with mine, I laughed until he started laughing, and eventually he put both of his arms around me and held me tighter, pulling me closer to him until I could feel his arousal. I pushed away from him, and started walking away.
“I’m sorry, I need to go.” I said as he followed behind me.
“What? I didn’t hear you.”
“I said I need to go, A.J. Please don’t follow me. I need to get home.” I turned around, taking off his jacket and tossing it at him. “I’ll see you around. Thanks for listening. Good night, A.J.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Chapter 5 has been reworked and contains new content.
