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I gathered myself together before heading back into the back door of Eternity Tattoo. I wasn’t up for anymore fighting with Gage. On one hand I agreed with him, I was screwing things up, but at the same time I didn’t want to hear about it anymore from him. One thing about Gage is he gets so angry, sometimes he doesn’t see what the real issue is. He bypasses the fact that I am hurting and in pain, and just sees what he wants to see. It doesn’t matter that I am struggling.

I entered the back door and immediately noticed Gage was waiting for me. “There’s nothing to talk about, Gage. I have nothing to say to you about any of it.”

“You don’t get to decide that, Harley. You made the bad choices, now you have to deal with it. And if that means listening to me talk, than that’s what it means. I thought things were going well?”

“That’s your problem, Gage. You always assume things. When do you even really ask how things are going? You think because I don’t say anything about it to you, that things must just be perfect. You have no idea how things really are. You’re stuck in a fantasy land. You have no idea what things are really like for me.” I walked back to the front of the parlor.

“I’m living in a fantasy land? You are the one who is pretending like things are okay! You went to a bar, Harley. A fucking bar! With someone you met in AA! You’re acting like you don’t have a fucking problem. You’re a damn alcoholic! You were sober almost a year! You have more issues than you think you do!” He slammed his fist down on the counter. “I can’t stand here and watch you destroy yourself again, I won’t do it! You should just go, Harley. I don’t even want to look at you right now. You’re a mess, and I don’t want to be around it!”
I stood there in disbelief, not knowing what to say.

Tears started welling, but I would not cry in front of Gage again. I turned away and walked to the back where I grabbed my purse and slammed the door behind me as I left. I didn’t even bother locking it. I got to my car and fumbled with the key fob, finally hitting the unlock button. I sat in my car for a few minutes, willing myself to calm down. I wasn’t sure what all just happened. Or what I was going to do now. I guess just go home and try to figure things out.

I pulled out of the parking lot and turned left, towards home. I lived in a relatively small town, and it doesn’t take much time to get around anywhere. I stopped for a stoplight and noticed AJ on the corner. I rolled down my window.

“AJ!” I called.

He turned around at the sound of his name, stumbling a little bit. He face lit up when he saw me. “Hey, Harley! What are you doing? You’re supposed to be working!”
I motioned for him to come to the car. “You want a ride?” I asked.

“Sure, thanks!” he crossed in front of the car and climbed in the passenger seat. The light had turned green but nobody was behind me. I continued down the road. “So what are you doing?”

“Oh, I left. Gage was pissed and it’s probably better that I am not there right now anyway. Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. Not home. Don’t want to go there. What are you going to do?”

I thought for a minute. “I got somewhere we can go.” I said, making a right turn. We sat in silence as I drove, and it was nice. I was able to calm down a bit and was glad I didn’t have to answer any questions.

We pulled up to the coffee shop a few minutes later. AJ looked surprised. “A coffee shop?”

I laughed. “Yeah, let’s get you sobered up. Plus it’s kind of chilly out, it’ll be nice.” I put the car in Park and got out. AJ had trouble getting out, so I came around and opened the door for him. He grinned.

“Sorry! Sobering up is probably a good idea…” he shut the door behind him. We stepped up on the curb and crossed the sidewalk to the door to the coffee shop. He opened it for me.

“Thank you.” I said, sliding in quickly.
There were a few people in line. “How do you like your coffee?” I asked AJ.

“Uhhh, whatever tastes good?” he grinned, and I couldn’t help but grin back.

“Okay, I’ll order. Go find a place to sit.” I turned towards the counter and left him to his task.

I found AJ sitting on a couch in a corner. I brought our drinks over and set them on the black coffee table in front of it and made myself comfortable at the opposite end. The coffee shop was relatively quiet, considering the time of day. The music was somewhat loud without people’s conversations to drown it out.

AJ was looking out of the floor to ceiling window for a while before he grabbed the maroon mug I had placed in front of him. He took a sip. “This is good. Coffee supposed to help sober you up, right? I’m not usually trying to get sober these days.” He took another drink and set it back down on the coffee table. “Sometimes, I’m really happy being fucked up all the time. It’s like an escape. It gets me away from all the shit that I constantly have to deal with. All the pressure of every day. Pressure from the guys. Pressure from my family. Pressure from every day people. And pressure from myself.” I wondered why he felt so much pressure, but I didn’t ask. The fact that he was opening up a little bit made me bite my tongue. “Other times,” he continued, “I hate it. I feel like I’m wasting my life away and that scares the hell out of me.” he looked at me. “What about you, Harley? Do you like drinking? Is that all you do?”

I wasn’t prepared for a question, and I sat there for a minute before I answered. “I think I can relate to you, how you feel about it. I love the fact that it takes me away from reality. Away from all of the pain. That’s what I’m running away from – pain. I used to pop pills too, anything I could get my hands on. For some reason the idea that I was taking drugs that were prescribed, whether to me or someone else, made me feel like I wasn’t doing anything bad. I smoked pot too, but other drugs, harder drugs, scare me. I could never bring myself to do anything besides smoke a little weed, pop some pills, and drink. But that was enough for me. It numbed me out enough, it did its job. I didn’t have to think about all the shit I was going through. But I was killing myself. And I didn’t like that part of it, when I would get sober enough to realize I was doing it.” I took a drink of my coffee as well.

“Why are you in so much pain?” he asked quietly. I swallowed, trying not to cry. I wasn’t ready to go there yet. “Never mind, none of my business. Maybe one day we’ll get there, but not today. Cocaine is my drug of choice. All the time. I’ve done other shit, but nothing compares to the way coke makes me feel. Coke and alcohol. And pills, too. I’m with you there. I’ve been in rehab once, and got sober for a few days, but I went right to my old shit again. I’m terrified to go back and fail again. How do I know if I am ready? How did you know?”

“One day I woke up and said I was done. I went on a week-long bender and was so fucked up I wrecked my car one night. I knew I shouldn’t be driving but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything. I could have died. The following day I told myself I was done. That was enough to scare the shit out of me so bad I went to rehab, for the second time, and I’ve been sober ever sense. With the exception of that fucking sip I took at the bar, where I almost threw everything away.”

“I’m sorry,” AJ started, “I’m sure that was my fault. I probably should have left you alone, then maybe you wouldn’t have done it.”

“Nah, I probably would have drank the whole thing plus more if you hadn’t been there, actually.” I took another drink of my coffee. “So, you’re going to go to AA, right?”

“I guess.” He mumbled.

“Tonight, right?” I prodded.

“Yes, tonight. Are you coming?”

“Yes. I’m going regularly. You should too.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay. I will make it a habit. Only if you go too.” He looked at me. “Would you be willing to give me a ride there?”

I paused. “Um, sure, I guess I could do that. Only if you don’t stand me up.”

He laughed. “Nah, I won’t.”

“Alright. I’ll pick you up at 7:30 then.”

“Actually, could you pick me up around 7? Or even better,
do I have to go home? I don’t want to go home. Home sucks. Let’s go do something. Let’s go shopping!”

I just looked at him, wondering why he didn’t want to go home. None of my business, I thought. “Why not?”