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If you wake up and don't want to smile
If it takes just a little while
Open your eyes and look at the day
You'll see things in a different way

-Fleetwood Mac 'Don't Stop'


I woke up early because the last thing I wanted was to sit and have breakfast with Kevin and Kristin. I was going to get enough of Kevin's disapproving looks when we went back on tour and were trapped in the same hotel. I was going to take my time and do what I wanted while I still could. While there was still no fucking itinerary.

So I walked down the street with sunglasses covering my face and my bucs hat covering my head. Not that it mattered. In LA no one gave a shit about who I was.

I stopped into a coffee shop, ordered an iced cappuccino and sat down at one of the tables with a newspaper. See? I could be sophisticated!

The newspaper was boring though. I didn't care about politics. I read about half an article before I turned to the entertainment section.

It's kind of weird reading that when you're part of it. Not that we were part of it a lot these days. But people we knew were part of it. And it was weird because everything I read was either fake, or not the truth or they'd spun something to make it seem better or worse than it was.

I sighed and closed the paper. I wondered what kind of headline there would be if they knew about what I did and what a mess I was. Then it wouldn't just be all about AJ. Then our whole group would look fucked up.

At least then we'd drop this stupid clean cut New Kids on the Block image. Where'd people get that from anyway? They weren't so clean cut. Didn't Donnie throw a TV out of a window or something? Let Nsync have that stupid image.

I looked around the coffee shop. There were a couple girls in the corner laughing and talking about something. There was this old guy sitting by the window reading the same paper I was. But he was probably actually interested in the world politics stuff. There was another old guy sitting near that guy, writing stuff down on a pad of paper.

It was pretty boring, so I rolled up my paper and walked out of there. Maybe if I gave it to Kevin it'd distract him and he wouldn't bug me so much.

~~~


Leigh and I were sitting on the patio of a restaurant looking over the pier. I sort of couldn't believe that this was going to be our last weekend together before everything changed. Which really meant that everything was going to go back to the same. Back to being on tour. Back to having no stability.

I was excited to go back on tour. Excited to go back to rehearsals. Excited for AJ to be out to transitional care and be back with us again.

I was just sad to leave Leigh back in LA. And I knew she couldn't come with me. She had her own job to do at home – she couldn't follow me around on tour day in and day out. And in a way, that's what was attracting me to her. The fact that she had her own life and how manageable it was.

“What?” Leigh asked me, raising her eyebrow as she took a sip of her iced tea. I must have been looking at her oddly as I was off in my own little world.

“I love you,” I blurted out, surprising myself.

But I think I surprised Leigh more, because she coughed a little bit as she set her glass down and lightly held a hand against her chest. “What?” she asked again.

“I love you,” I repeated, a smile creeping up on my face.

It wasn't like we'd been dating for a long time, but at the same time it felt like we had been. This time off had felt longer than it actually was, and it was skewing my perception of time a little.

Whether Leigh realised all of that or not, she didn't seem to mind.

“I love you too,” she whispered, leaning into the small table to kiss me.

I smiled and leaned in as well, kissing her softly. Maybe it hadn't been that long, but it was long enough for us.

~~~


Packing to go on tour is always frustrating and time consuming.

Luckily I had other things on my mind as I tossed clothes from my closet into my two huge suitcases. Leighanne wasn't coming with me until we actually started the tour. I figured there was no reason for that – our days in LA were going to be busy with rehearsals and group stuff. It seemed strange, but we would have more down time once we were actually on the road.

Besides, the whole reason I was going back to LA a little bit early was to try and reconnect with the guys before we went back on the road. And I knew I'd have a hard time doing that if she was there with me.

I pulled a few more shirts off of their hangers and folded them before tucking them into my suitcase. Then I stared at them for a moment.

I couldn't believe that in a week we'd be back on the road and everything would be back to normal. I couldn't figure out why I was so worried about it. If it was going to be so normal and routine, wouldn't I be feeling less nervous about it? This past month and a half had felt more normal and mundane than touring ever had.

It was nice and I was sad for it to end.

I knew it partially that I didn't know what to expect. AJ's issues might have been on the mend, but Nick was... well, he was stupid. And he was getting worse. I had no idea what I was going to say to him once I saw him. I was lost as to how to relate to him lately, so I basically ignored him.

It wasn't like he ever wanted my advice anyway.

I flipped the lid of my suitcase over and zipped it up. In six days we'd be back on the road and for the first time since our first ever tour, I had no idea what to expect.

~~~


If Kris thought that having Nick stay in our house until we went back on tour would make me worry less, she was wrong. I worried about everything, and I especially worried about Nick – especially when he had just crashed his car into a tree.

I woke up in the middle of the night. Kris was sleeping beside me, so I got out of bed quietly and walked downstairs.

I hadn't meant to go check on Nick, but it was difficult not to when he was right there. He was laying quietly on the couch, his head against one of the throw pillows and the playstation controller in his hand.

He must have fallen asleep playing the game. I wondered what he was going to do when he finished it, because he was obviously using it as a means of ignoring us.

Which was fine. I didn't know what to say to him anyway. I'd given him more than enough lectures and heart-to-heart conversations. At least now he seemed to realise that it was better to just sit around instead of going out and trying to cause trouble.

I sighed and turned off the TV. Nick muttered something in his sleep, but he didn't wake up.

I shook my head and looked at him one last time before walking into the kitchen.

Six days. We'd be back on tour in six days. Then Nick would have more distractions than he knew what to do with.