Chapter 5


I really don't know why I had decided to invite Nick for breakfast the next morning. I guess I just needed to spend more time with him. Needed to see him again. I was afraid that after this little chance encounter was just going to be that... just a one time thing but, the more I spent talking to Nick that night, the more I really wanted to see how different he was. How much he's changed because, he has. He was the same Nick that I had known years ago. Something about him was different. His looks, his personality. Everything. And, honestly?

I think I'm starting to like this new Nick.

I know I shouldn't. Not after everything that happend between us. I really don't know what's going on. I'm confused. Nick showing up that night confused the hell out of me. Deep down, I knew he was going to show up. I just felt it then here he was. Just like that and in a blink of an eye.

Ever since this past week, I have been humming a melody in my head so I decided to take my notebook out and just start writing before Nick came over. If that's what thing you need to know about me... is that I love writing. Lyrics, that is. I love expressing myself through songs and lyrics. It's the only way I really know how to express myself. Looking at this notebook, you can say that I wrote a whole lot. It's pretty much almost filled and I'll probably be shopping for a new one soon. Most of it are just songs that I wrote when I was younger. Songs about Nick. About us. Our relationship. Most of the songs are all happy, sappy ballads but, after we broke up...that's a whole other story. I kept writing until the point that I couldn't write anymore. I was hurt. I was mad and writing was the only way I was allowed to express that.

I remember a few times when Nick and I were together where he would always playfully try to steal my notebook so that he can see what I'm saying about him or what type of songs I'm writing about him but, I always caught him in time. I never really allowed him to look at that. I know I should've since he was my boyfriend. But, I just couldn't. I just didn't want him to think that I was just a sappy romantic girl that was head over heels in love with him. But...I was. I was madly in love with him. We were both young but, it didn't matter. Love doesn't have a age. Love isn't a number. You know you're in love when you feel in your heart, in your soul, in your being and that's what I felt for Nick. We were best friends. I was his and he was mine. We were pretty inseperable during those times. Our family and friends use to always tell us that one day, when we got older, we would end up getting married, living in a big house and having a whole bunch of little Carters running around.

Funny how that's all changed.

* * *

A sudden knock on the door broke Emma away from her thoughts. She quickly put her notebook away and fixed herself up before answering the door.

"Hey."

Cat defintiely caught my tongue. I couldn't stop staring at him.

"H--hi."

"Are you gonna let me in or are we going to have breakfast out here?" He smirked at her.

"Cute but, no." She laughed. "Come on in. Make yourself at home." Nick walked inside and made his way over to the couch.

"Sorry I'm a bit early..."

"Oh, it's fine." She called from the kitchen.

"Yeah, the guys cancelled our studio time today because Baylee was sick so I figured I might as well come by here early."

"Oh, okay. That's no problem. Here's your coffee. Don't ask how I know." She laughed. "So, you guys are...back in the studio?

"Thank you," He said while taking the cup. "Uh, yeah. Yeah. We're in the process of recording our new album."

"Oh? A new album?" She asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Yeah...come on Em, I know you've been keeping tabs on us. You can't tell me you haven't."

"HA. Real funny Carter. Actually, no. I haven't. I'm not going to stroke your little ego there and the name is Emma. With a M and a A. EM MA."

"Humor me. Why do you have a problem with me calling you Em?"

She stared at him. Wondering why she did have a problem with him calling her by the nickname he had given her when they were together. "I don't know. I just..." She sighed and looked away. "It bothers me okay?"

"Why though? You had no problem with me calling you that before-- Oh, I get it."

"Yeah." She said still looking away, feeling a lump in her thought. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry.

She's about to cry. Shit. "Look, I'm sorry for bringing it up. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have even came." He said, walking over to the door.

"What? No, wait. You're fine. I mean, you're good. Uh I mean, you're great. I mean just... okay..."

"Okay?"

"No, not okay. I mean...UGH just stay! Stay for breakfast. I'll get over it. I'm sorry I'm just overeacting over a stupid name."

"No, no. You're...fine." And fuck me, she REALLY is. Can't I just pick her up over my shoulder and take her to her bedroom and have my way with her? Better yet, why don't I just push her down on his couch and get right down to business? No? I can't?

"Let's just forget about this and have breakfast, okay? I really want to know about this new album that you and the guys are working on." She said as she made her way to the kitchen.

Nick followed her right in her foot steps. "Well, we pretty much have everything written and ready. We've recorded a few songs here and there but, it's completely not ready yet."

"Oh, so when will it be out?"

"In October, hopefully. That's what we're aiming for."

"Well, that's good. How long have you guys been working on this one?" She asked, bending down to pick up the napkin that she had dropped. What she didn't realize was that when she bent over, her pants were riding low and Nick can see the small of her back. He was watching her very carefully.

Can she NOT do that? Holy shit. Is that tattoo?! He squinted his eyes to see. It was indeed a tattoo. SHIT!

"Nick?"

He looked up and saw her staring back at him with a confused look on her face. "Oh. Uh, sorry. I was just thinking of something..."

"Right." She smirked and giggled. "So, the album."

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Um...what was I saying?"

I felt really really stupid at that moment. She caught me staring at her. Way to be discreet Carter. I just couldn't help her. She was bending over and her tattoo was stinking out. When did she get that, I have no idea but, when we were together she was seemed against tattoos. She even hated mine for a while after I got them. She did like the "Kaos" one though. Every chance she got she would trace each letter with her tongue... God how I missed that. Emma's voice broke his thoughts.

"....then you told me out it was coming out in October." She looked over at him. He had a dazed look on his face. "Nick? You okay?"

"Uh. Yeah, I'm... uh... sorry. Just... alot on my mind..." He lied.

Something was really bothering him. I just know. "Oh, okay. So... the album." I tried again. I really wanted to hear about this new album that the guys were working on. I've always liked when they worked on new stuff.

"Right." Nick said, taking a sip of his coffee. "Well, as you know, it comes out in October." I nodded. "We wrote most of the songs. Well... technically I was the one who wrote most of them and then gave the idea to the guys."

"You? Writing? Surprising."

"Why's that?" He asked, confused.

"Considering... most of the stuff that you wrote on your solo album." I said, trying not to laugh.

I wasn't trying to make fun of Nick's first solo album. I actually really liked it. He even wrote a few songs about me. The album was totally him. I knew how much it meant to him to do something on his own besides the whole Backstreet Boys thing and I was supportive of him throughout it in. It really was a trying time because alot of people doubted him. Alot of people told him that he was just some bubble gum popstar wannabe rockstar. Everyone pretty much doubted him. But, I didn't. I was there for him every step of the way. I admit, I was a little bit scared when he first came to me with the idea. It's not that I didn't think he was capable of doing something on his own. I was just scared of the backlash he was going to recieve from all the critics and let me tell you, it was bad but, Nick was excited. It was his first time doing everything solo. Promotion, interviews, photoshoots, tours. He was having fun with it. Most of the time I was with him but, I also had my own career to establish so I couldn't always be there and we all know how that turned out.

"Hey! That's not nice." He whined. "It's not like it was THAT bad."

I laughed. I missed his whiny voice. "I know. I'm just kidding with you. It was just a bad baaaad time for you... and us."

He nodded. "Yeah, yeah. I know but, anyways. That's all in the past. We're different now. I'm different. You're different. Everything is just different." He smiled while taking a bite of his bagel.

"Yeah, you're right. Cheers to that. So what's the new album called or you guys don't have a name yet?"

"Oh no. No, we have a name. That's probably the first thing we came up with. It's called... Unbreakable." He smiled, really proud of him and the guys naming it that.

"Unbreakable, huh?" She looked up at him.

"Yeah." Nick blushed. 'Okay I seriously don't know why the fuck I'm blushing. Nick Carter never blushes. Okay, maybe once...or twice....a few times.'

"Wow. That's a pretty awesome name. Definitely fits you guys. It's been what? How many years?"

"15." He smiled proudly again.

"You really enjoying doing this huh? Love being touring with the guys and all of that?" She asked, taking another sip of her coffee

"Yeah... it's the best really. I'm honestly blessed that I was ever given this opportunity. I really don't know where I'd be at this very moment if it hadn't been for those 4 guys."

"It sucks that Kevin isn't there..."

"Yeah, definitely. I may give the other guys all the credit about the person I've become but, really? It's always been Kevin..."

I couldn't help but giggle at him. He was getting mushy on me talking about Kevin. I thought it was really cute. I know how much Nick really looked up to Kevin even if Kevin was always doing the "Dad" role and constantly getting on Nick's case for partying too late or showing up late to meetings.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?

"Nothing. I just... you're getting all mushy on me Mr. Carter."

'HA. Right. That ain't the ONLY thing I want to get on you or IN you.' He thought to himself.

"Ha, yeah. Sorry but, anyways so yeah..." He started looking around the room and noticed Emma's guitar sitting right next to her piano.

Okay, so now he's totally creeping me out with the way he's looking at everything.

"Is that your guitar over there?"

What? "What?"

"Your guitar. Over there. The one that--"

"You bought me. For a anniversary present. Yes. That's the one." She said, looking down and blushing.

"So you still play?"

"Um. I do. A little bit..."

Okay so I lied. I actually knew how to play alot and I spent most of my downtime writing and playing the melodies out on my guitar. That guitar is really special to me. It was the one that I had always wanted. I remember the day I got it like it was yesterday. It was mine and Nick's 2nd anniversary. It was the best gift I had ever gotten. I really didn't want it at first but, Nick convinced me and knew that I really wanted it. He even taught me how to play a few of his songs on it and a few Backstreet Boys songs.

"Would you play something for me?"

"You're kidding, right?" I got up and headed towards the kitchen to start up the dishwasher.

Nick got up and followed her into the kitchen. "No. I mean I know you know how to play. I was the one who taught you after all."

"Maybe I'm just out of practice, Nick."

"Oh come on, just one song. You don't even have to play the full song."

"Why are you so deadset on having me play?"

"I don't know...maybe cause...like I said, I KNOW you KNOW how to play. You're not out of practice so that's a load of bullshit. And...because, I know you've been writing."

I turned around quickly and glared at him. He must've noticed my notebook on the couch. Shit. I shouldn't have left it there. Sneaky bastard.

"What?"

"Yeah..."

"How do you--?"

"Know? Because I know YOU, Emma. I know what goes on in that pretty little head of yours. I know that you don't just stop playing and writing. That notebook that is on your couch...I know it's FILLED with songs that have alot of meaning to you. I know that you write with meaning and that's what I love about you."

Did he really just say what I think he just did? He didn't say LOVED either. Past tense. He said LOVE, right? Yeah, he did.

"Nick, I just..."

"Just play something for me, Emma. Please. It doesn't have to be the whole song." There goes to the famous Carter pout. I honestly can't say no to that. Ever.

"Okay..."

"Okay?"

"Okay I'll play something for you."

* * *

"So... this is an old song that I had written. I mean, it's not that old but, I wrote it about a year ago. Promise me that you won't laugh. Ready?"

Nick was sitting right in front of her, sideways, facing her and laughed. "I promise. I'm ready."

"Okay. God, I'm nervous." She laughed.

"Don't be nervous. It's just me..."

"Right. Okay... here it goes. If it's bad... just make me stop okay? I'm already making an ass out of myself."

"No, you're not. Go ahead. I'm all ears. You have my attention..."

"Dork."

"Emma?"

"What?"

"Stop being nervous. Play." He said, pointing at her guitar was perched up on her lap. Her fingers were already in place.

"Okay, okay." She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and counted to 10 in her head. She began to play and sing along.

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I don't know how to land and not race to your door
I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I'm not sure that I really ever could
Hold on to your hotel key in your
Bedroom neighborhood
Be sleep-walking in Hollywood


She looked absolutely beautiful singing with her eyes closed and just getting so into the song. For some reason, I knew that this song was about me. I just had a feeling that it was.


I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cause I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there
So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

I dont think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I get lost on the boulevard at night
Without your voice to tell me I love you, take a right
the ten and the two is the loneliest sight

I was right. It was about me. I remember the first time we took a ride in the middle of the night. I wanted to show her my place but I kept getting distracted and she would end up getting mad at me for not telling her where to go exactly. It was really funny and cute to see her all frustrated and annoyed. That memory still makes me laugh everytime I think about it. The line that she just sang, "Without your voice to tell me I love you, take a right..." That's how I knew it was about me. We were getting really close to my exit and she kept asking me if she had to turn but, I wasn't pay attention to her words at all. I was just looking at her and how beautiful she looked. "NICK! Tell me where to go?!" were exactly her words. After staring at her for 10 minutes straight and her getting really angry at me and threatening to push me out of the car in the middle of the road; I told her, "I love you... take a right..."

I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cause I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you

I'm gonna steer clear, oh yeah
Burn up in your atmosphere here
I'm gonna steer clear
Cause I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there
see you there

I think I'm gonna stay gonna stay in the gray think I'm gonna stay
And all the street lights say nevermind nevermind
All the canyon lines say nevermind
Sunset says we see this all the time, nevermind, never you mind

I opened my eyes after I stopped playing. Nick had the biggest grin on his face but, something in his eyes told me a different story. I think he knew that this song was about him because, it was. I wrote it after we broke up. I couldn't sleep one night and decided to take a drive around Hollywood alone. Every single thing reminded me of Nick. That's when I found myself parked right in front of his apartment. I just couldn't pass it. I had to stop. I sat there for a good two hours just thinking. Thinking about what had went wrong with us. Wondering if he was in there, sharing his bed with someone else. Wondering if there was someone right on my spot where I had always been. Wondering where I was in my relationship with him. I closed my eyes again and started to play.

Where ever I go
Whatever I do
I wonder where I am
In my relationship to you
Where ever you go
Where ever you are
I watch your life play out in pictures from afar

Because that's exactly what I did. Nick's whole life was always played out in pictures, magazines, TV, gossip websites. Everywhere and I couldn't help but not notice. Even if we weren't talking at that point, I still wanted to know where he was and what he was doing.

Where ever I go
Whatever I do I wonder where I am
In my relationship to you
Wherever you go
Where ever you are
I watch that pretty life play out in pictures from afar

I waited. I waited for him to say something, to get up and leave. To be mad at me for writing something so personal that was about him but, he didn't. He just stood there and looked at me for a long time. It was a while later when I heard his whispered voice.

"Emma..."

"Nick..."

I saw the pain in his eyes. I knew that I had hurt him but, I needed for him to hear that song. I had been keeping it inside for awhile. At that moment, everything happend so fast. Next thing I know, he was kissing me...

And I was kissing him back.