Chapter 6


I couldn't help it. She looked so beautiful singing that song about me. I knew what knew when she looked at me. Everything stopped at that moment. For a minute I felt my own heartbeat stopping. I really didn't think that she still felt this way. She was always the strong one in our relationship. She use to always put in my place whenever I would get out of line. She seemed so unphased by the whole break up that I really thought she would just move on but, after hearing this song and listening carefully to the lyrics and watching the expressions on her face and her eyes when she looked at me. I knew that she was hurt. Probably far more hurt that I was. I was just a young, cocky guy. I mean sure, I was hurt because I really did love her. A part of me always did and honestly I still do but, I have never realized how much I hurt her until now.

That's why I decided to kiss her. I couldn't take it anymore. I thought she felt the same way too but, her reaction told me otherwise.

"Nick. STOP. I-i-i- I can't do this. This is just wrong." I said pushing him away.

"Wait what? What's wrong?"

"THIS. You...you...here...and...kissing me. Just--"

"Emma..."

"This isn't right. I don't know why this is happening. Stupid me for even singing that song to you. It's stupid. This is stupid. I should've just stood at that stupid club and listened to my stupid friend or better yet... I should've just let stupid Patrick bring me home..." She rambled on and on not even realizing that Nick was still sitting there calling her name.

"Emma..."

"I should've never been there... I should've never told Maggie that I would go to that stupid party. God, this is awful. This is so awf--"

"EMMA!"

His voice startled her. She stopped pacing back and forth and looked up at Nick.

"Wh--what?"

He took a deep breath and then sighed. "I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have done that."

"No, you really shouldn't have." She snapped back at him.

"I said I was sorry. No need to get all pissed off at me and get snappy."

"You want to know why I'm pissed off Nick? You really want to know why?"

"Yeah. I kind of do. I think you at least owe me that. You were fine when I saw you yesterday and you fine today. You just suddenly became a different person after I kissed you and you know what? Don't even lie to me and tell me that you didn't like it. Or that you kissed me back because you did, if you haven't even noticed. I know you felt something there because I felt it too Emma."

"You think you have it ALL figured out Nick, don't you?"

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"You really think you know me."

"I'm pretty sure I do."

She looked at him and started to laugh. "What's so funny?"

"You. You really think that you know me, THAT's what's funny to me."

"What the fuck Emma? I've known you pretty much all my fucking life!"

"No Nick, you USE to know who I was until you decided to just drop me from your life and then drop off the face of the Earth. THIS Emma that you see that's standing in front of you...isn't the same Emma that was with you all those years before. She's different. I'm different."

"I decided to drop you from my life? You think it was that easy? It wasn't easy. None of it was easy. It's funny...you didn't understand it then and you STILL don't understand it."

"Excuse me? What don't I understand? You didn't want me anymore Nick. You said so yourself or did you just forget? Well if you did, let me refresh your memory."

"Emma, stop."

"No, let me finish. YOU...left me when I NEEDED you the most." She felt the lump in her throat and her eyes begin to fill with tears. "I waited. I waited for you to come around. To take me back. To tell me that you were sorry for the way that you treated me. Treated us. You left me all alone. You knew that you were the only person that I would always talk to. Always confide in. Why? Because I trusted you. I loved you. There was no one else but you, Nick. Then you left. You decided that we weren't good anymore. You decided that YOU needed YOUR own space. That I was taking up too much of it. You wanted to be single and be free so you can do whatever you wanted without me having to find out. Well guess what Nick? I did. I found out everything and you have no idea how much that hurt me...us. You couldn't even tell me the truth. You want to know when I noticed that you started changing with me?"

"Emma just stop. Please. Just..."

"I'm not finished. You wanted to know why I'm pissed right? Well here it is. This is me telling you how I felt all these years."

He sighed, giving up. Knowing that she wasn't going to stop. "Continue..."

"When you couldn't even look me in the eyes anymore. When you didn't even bother to tell me what was wrong. What was bothering you. When you stopped calling every night like you usually did when we weren't together just to tell me that you missed me or that you love me. When you would ignore my phone calls when you usually never did. That's when I notice that you started changing on me. I tried everything that I possibly can but, it seemed like you had already made up your mind for the both of us."

Nick sighed and looked up at Emma. He can see the tears rolling down her face. He so badly wanted to get up and just wrap his arms around her.

"I'm so sorry that you felt that way Emma. I was shelfish, I'll admit that but I was hurting too. You weren't the only one. I just...I don't know. I was stupid. I'm very aware of that. I'm stupid for even letting shit get to me the way that it did. For letting outsiders run my life and our relationship. I was even more stupid for letting you go and not realizing what I always had in front of me. You were the best thing that ever happend to me. I don't want you to ever think for one second that I never loved you."

"So then why did you give up on me? On us? You really have no idea Nick..."

"I have no idea about what? Damnit Emma, you don't think I realize how much I have hurt you? Especially after hearing that song. From the minute I heard the first few words to that song, I knew that it was about me."

"Forget it Nick."

"Just tell me. What do I have no idea about?"

"It's just...nothing. Just...forget it. Just forget it!" She yelled and walked away.

"Emma. Don't walk away from me!"

"What else do you want from me Nick?! Why did the hell did you even come over?!"

"I came here because YOU asked me to come here!"

"You could've just said NO!"

"I didn't want to, alright?! I didn't want to say no to you."

"What?"

"I couldn't say no to you. God Emma, you really have no idea how I felt after seeing you there the other night. I'm sorry that you feel that I left you but, that's not what I was trying to do at all. I loved you. We were together every minute of everyday and I wanted to know what it felt like when you weren't around."

"HA. Really? You wanted to know what it felt like when I wasn't around? You sure did one hell of a job by doing that Nick."

"Emma..."

"I know all about it Nick. I know about every single girl you fucked the minute I left. I know about all the women, all the parties, all the drugs. The drugs!"

"You really are deadset on blaming this whole thing on me. But, what about you? You sure weren't the innocent one that you are claiming to be."

"What the fuck? What about me?"

"The 2 months leading up to us breaking up you were acting like a complete bitch to me. Not even to me. To everyone!"

If he only knew why I was acting that way.

"Maybe you should stop worrying about what I did to you and pay more attention to what you did to me and then you'll find your answer as to why I left the way I did."

"REALLY Nick?! Now I know you're just saying shit to hurt me and if you're going to act that way then I suggest you get the hell out."

"Yeah. Because, I'm the asshole here. Nick is always the asshole here."

"I never said always so don't put words in my mouth. Right now, you're acting like the biggest dick. Now get out."

"Funny, you had no problem with my size and you sure as hell weren't telling me to get out the first time we fucked..." He smirked at her.

"UNBELIEVEABLE. Get out. NOW. I mean it Nick."

"Fine. I'm sorry." He got up and grabbed his jacket and started making his way to the door. "You know what? No, I'm not sorry."

"I don't care. Leave."

"No, see... you do care Emma. You do or you wouldn't be standing here arguing with me and crying."

"Nick. Just leave. I can't do this anymore."

"Fine. I'll go." He walked out of the door and turned around, looking right at Emma. "Look at me..."

"Go." She whispered softly to him. "Please."

"Just look at me for a minute."

She looked up at him and the tears started up again. "I'm so sorry that I hurt you Em. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say but that." He reached up, cupped her face with his hand and brushed away the tear that was rolling down her face with his thumb.

"Ni--"

"Don't say anything else. I'm gonna go but, I just want you to know that I have always cared about you. I have always loved you even if you are deadset into thinking that I never did. I'm sorry for some of the things that I said in there. I just said them because I was angry and you were lashing out at me. But..."

He sighed, looking into her eyes. "I loved you Em. I still do." He leaned in to kiss her forehead and walked away.

I couldn't move from that spot at the door. I still felt his lips lingering on my forehead from where he had kissed me at. I couldn't stop crying. I just wish none of this would've happend. I felt like a complete bitch for acting the way that I acted but, he needed to hear it. He needed to hear that song and he needed to hear what I was feeling. He wanted to know everything. That was pretty much everything but, there was something else that I wanted to tell him. I just couldn't. He was already hurt by what I was saying.

I didn't want to hurt him anymore.

I just wanted to be left alone.

And then he told me that he still loved me just when I was trying to get over him. It was at that moment that I wanted to tell him that I still loved him too. I never stopped loving him despite all of our problems. Despite everything that he's done to me.

I still loved him.

Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)

I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know

That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you