Part 44 – Swag Bag

“I just don’t get how one person can marry her and then end up with me.  We’re like total night and day…” I told Kevin as we ate ice cream in Josef’s kitchen.  We’d made it home from the ball and had some pretty epic sex then decided to raid the fridge.  I was sitting on the island in the middle of the kitchen and Kevin was leaning against another counter.

He laughed at me, “How about we just drop it?”

“Dude, I can’t!” I laughed.  “I keep wanting to but I can’t stop thinking about it.  I mean come on… she’s tall, I’m short.  She’s blonde, I’m a brunette.  She’s pretty and all, but skinny as a rail while I have curves.  And seriously, Kev?  As much as you love my boobs, how in the world were you married to her?  She has no boobs!”  I grabbed my boobs for emphasis and shook them, “How did you live without this for so long?”

He watched me as I giggled and he shook his head, “You’re absolutely right… she’s 100% your total opposite.  I just didn’t realize until it was too late that she wasn’t my type and I should have been going for the goofy writer chick instead.”

“You want to know what’s funny though?”

“Probably not…” he teased and laughed at his own joke.

I rolled my eyes, “Come here… You’re too far away…”  He pushed himself off of the cabinet and stood between my legs which I then wrapped around his waist.  He was only wearing pajama bottoms so I got to look at his oh-so-pretty chest.  I pressed myself against him and sighed, “Much better…”

His hands slid up underneath my night shirt and roamed my skin.  He kissed my neck in what I assume was an attempt to finally get me to stop talking about his ex-wife, “So what’s funny?”

My eyes were rolled into my head as I sighed while he started sucking on my skin, “No hickies, I still have press to do…”

He chuckled against my skin, “No hickies…”

“Anyway…” I said while struggling to from coherent sentences while my hot boyfriend sucked on my neck.  “I was totally intimidated by her before and now I’m not.”

That apparently was interesting enough to stop him from his foreplay to look at me, “Really?”

I nodded.  “I always had her in my mind as this gorgeous tall blonde dancer who you loved before me and who I’d never be like.  Not that I want to be like her but you know… we’re so different, it’s always sort of bugged me that I’m not really your type or something.”

“Oh, babe…” he sighed and shook his head.

“I know…” I nodded.  “But now, she’s just Kristin.  Yeah, she’s a tall blonde dancer but she’s not the nicest person in the world and well damn it, I’m hotter.”

He laughed, “You are hotter.  So much hotter.”

“She’s like the high school chick and I’m the older experienced woman.  I feel pretty damn good about myself right now.  She’s off somewhere being tall and blonde but who has her legs wrapped around your waist and just had mind blowing sex with you?”

“You…”

“Who has curves and hips and actual boobs to run your hands all over?”

“You.”

“And who is going to fuck you like an animal tonight?” I asked and giggled.

“You!”

“That’s right… so honestly, the Stupid Whore isn’t even a blip on my radar anymore.”

He held my face in his hands and looked at me silently before pulling me toward him for a kiss. It was a really good kiss.  Afterward he ran his thumb back and forth across my cheek, “She shouldn’t have ever been a blip… I’m sorry that she was though.  I’m with you, love you, and want you.  No one else, okay?”

I nodded and found myself suddenly choked up, “Okay.  I love you too, you know?”

He smiled and nodded, “I do.”

“Good.  Know what else?”

“Tell me…” 

I ran my hands over his chest and down to his waist.  I tugged on the drawstring of his pants with a grin, “I’m ready to go back to bed.”

~~~~~

The day after the ball all I had another day off so I’d definitely planned on getting some sleep.   Apparently my body had different plans though because I woke up just before sunrise and couldn’t fall back asleep. 

I made coffee and surfed the internet for a while.  Pictures from the ball were already popping up online and Jules had e-mailed me the prom-like pictures as well which made me giggle.  I sent them all to my mom and wished it wasn’t so early because I really felt like hearing her voice for some reason.

After checking email, my blog and everything else I could think of to pass the time I finally decided to try going upstairs to the roof thinking that maybe the fresh air would do me some good.  I grabbed my cell phone and the swag bag from the ball from our bedroom where Kevin was still passed out and sleeping soundly.

The morning was warm but not hot and once I was situated on the outdoor bed I took off my brace and stretched out letting the breeze blow over me.  The sky was gorgeously clear and blue.  It was so clear that it reminded me of the morning of 9/11.  That had been a gorgeous morning too, until the world blew up. 

I looked to the skyline where the towers used to be and it was almost like I could still see their shadow.  Even after eight years it just didn’t seem right for those massive buildings to be gone.  I held my locket and closed my eyes thinking about Sean and sending him my love as always.

It wasn’t often that I let myself play the What If? game about Sean.  Sure, I did it in my nightmares, always hoping that I’d one day be able to save him from his impending death.  But in my waking hours, I tried not to let my mind think too much about what things would be like if he hadn’t died. 

That morning on the roof I couldn’t help it though.  I had to wonder, if he hadn’t died and I hadn’t written Tuesday Morning, where would I be?  Would I still be struggling to get my books noticed or would I have written something else that caught the eyes of readers around the world?  Would I have ever been a part of Oprah’s Book Club?  Would I still be living in New York?  Would I have met Kevin all over again?  Of course thinking about all of those questions didn’t really do any good because I simply didn’t know the answers.  All I did know was that I was where I was for a reason. 

Tuesday Morning was born from my broken heart, led me to the bestseller’s lists, and gave my career a huge boost.  I’d moved to Florida to get away from Sean’s ghost and closer to my Mom.  I adopted a puppy because I was afraid to love another person and lose him like I lost my baby brother; and my puppy grew up to be a horse of a dog that rammed his nose up the butt of a hot guy who eventually became my boyfriend.  It all made sense.  Except of course that Sean wasn’t physically there being a part of it all.

In the years since 9/11 I’d been invited each year on the anniversary to be a part of the ceremonies down at Ground Zero.  Especially after my book became a hit with so many people the invitations to visit the cleanup crew and construction workers seemed nonstop.  I couldn’t do it though.  In nearly eight years I hadn’t been back to that site because I didn’t know if I could handle it.

My mom had gone on the anniversary a couple of times and said that it was a very cathartic thing, but whenever I thought about being there I had visions of panic attacks and ugly crying.  I also worried that someone would recognize me at the site and want to know more about my inspiration for my book.  To know all of those things about Sean that I’d never talked about with my readers.

Sitting there listening to the city wake up and looking at the huge void where the towers had once been, for the first time in my life I wondered if I could actually go to see the site.  Things were just so different.  I was different.  And of course I had Kevin.

It was so weird to think that having one person in or out of my life meant such a big difference.  When Sean died I felt like all of my will to move forward was sucked out of me, but with Kevin I felt like I was able to do so much and face so many of the things that scared me. 

As I sat and looked through all of the things in the swag bag from the ball my cell phone rang a familiar tune that made me smile.  “Hi, Mama…”

“Hello, Baby… You sound very alert for so early in the morning.”

I chuckled, “I couldn’t sleep.  I’m just up on the roof looking through this bag of ridiculously expensive stuff they gave to us at the ball last night.”

“Anything worth sharing?”

“Oh my god, yeah… I already have a pile started for you.  This bag is huge!”

“I got those pictures you sent… you looked, amazing, Monkey.”

“Aww… thanks… I wish you could have been here to see me in person.  Despite my ankle, I felt pretty darn cute.”

“I love that you were able to finally wear my jewelry too, it matched your dress perfectly.”

“Didn’t it?  It was a fun night.  We ran into Kristen though…”

“Uh oh…”

“Yeah, but it turned out okay.  She backed off and I got to go home with Kevin.”

She laughed, “That’s my girl!”

“How’s my sweet Vinnie?”

“Just as adorable as ever.  We’re outside right now.  He’s running around with a tree branch he found in the yard.”

“I miss him… and you too of course!”

“Of course… Just a few more days and we’ll get to love on you though.”

“Yep…”  I pulled a box out of the swag bag and gasped.  “Holy crap!”

“What?”

“They gave us cell phones.”

“Who gave you cell phones?”

“In our swag bag… there’s a cell phone.  It’s one of those new iPhones.”

“I have no idea what that means…” my mom said and laughed.

I laughed too, “It’s like an iPod that’s a phone too.  They’re crazy expensive and I just got one for free!  So cool!”

“Did everyone get one?”

“I don’t know… I guess we’ll find out when the boys wake up.”  I opened up the box for the iPhone and began pulling things out.  “Dude, this is so cool…”

“I’m glad you’re excited about your new phone, honey. Now talk to me.”

“Oh right, sorry…” I giggled and forced myself to put the phone away.  “So… my ankle looks better today.  The bruising is awful but it doesn’t hurt.”

“My poor, Monkey…”

 “I might try going without the brace today.  See how it holds up.  We don’t really have any plans.”

“Just take it easy.”

“I will… I promise.  You know what I really want to do today?”

“Hmm?”

“I have this weird desire to make Snickerdoodles.  I was thinking about Sean just before you called and all of a sudden I’m craving them like mad.”

“He must be thinking of you too… those were always his favorite.  You should do it.  Make some and save one for him.”

“Yeah I should…”  My voice trailed off as a tiny spark of an idea formed in my head.

“What did you just think of?”

I chuckled, “Get out of my head, woman.”

“I can’t help it…” she laughed.  “Now tell me…”

“Well, I was thinking that maybe I should finally go down there.  Now that it’s a construction site instead of a cleanup site.  I don’t know, I just feel like maybe I can handle it now.”

“Oh, honey, that would be great… if you think you can do it, go for it.  Even if you don’t make it, you’ll have at least tried and gotten that much closer to getting there.”

“Yeah… Like, maybe I could take some cookies down there and give them to the workers or something.  I don’t know if they’ll let me do that but, I could try.”

“Yes you could.”

“Then again, maybe I’m just delusional because I got up too early on too little sleep…” I teased.

“There you go again covering with sarcasm…”

“I’m just so good at it, Mama.”

“Uh huh…”  She laughed, “Oh boy, your son just brought me what remains of the branch and dropped it at my feet.”

“Nice and slimy?”

“Definitely.” I listened as she told Vinnie to take the branch off the deck and back into the yard.  “How’d you end up with a dog that minds so well?”

“Heck if I know…” I laughed.  “Although I’m afraid to know what that means when I have a baby.  I’ll probably end up with a kid who is a demon.”

“No you won’t… you’ll have wonderful babies who are wonderful like you.”

“Even from you that was a little too gushy, Ma.”

“I can’t help it… you haven’t talked about babies in a long time.”

“Did I tell you that I heard from the adoption agency last week and I’m number two on the list?”

“No, you did not.  That’s wonderful!”

“Yeah… it could still be a long time though.”

“Have you told Kevin about it?”

“Mmm hmm…” I said as I finally got bored of the stuff in the swag bag and laid down.  “He’s cool with it.  He really wants kids bad.  Apparently Jules, Josef and AJ have all been discussing that Kev and I need to have a kid right away.”

She laughed, “I’ve been in on that too.”

“Seriously?” I asked and giggled.

“As soon as I saw him I knew you had to have a kid with him.”

“Cause he’s so sexy or because he’s such a great guy?  I seem to recall you talking about how much you enjoyed his ass right away too.”

“Both…” she chuckled. 

 “You’re a crazy nut job but I love you.”

“I love you too, Monkey.” 

“I’m glad you called… I needed a Mama Call.”

“I figured.  You were on my mind as soon as I got up to let Vinnie out.  I was going to wait to call until later but something told me you were awake.”

I smiled, “I think its Sean.  I think he watches us and when he knows we need each other he makes it happen.”

“That’s a really great way to think about it.  I like that a lot.”

“Me too.  I sometimes think he must have sent Vinnie to me too.  I swear sometimes when I’m talking to Vinnie he gives me looks just like Sean did.”

“You never know… I’m a believer in reincarnation.”

“Yeah, me too.  Although sometimes if I think about it too much it creeps me out…” I laughed.  “Vinnie’s witnessed a lot of things that I’d never want my little brother to see.”

“True, but he wouldn’t necessarily remember that you are his sister…”

“I guess… It’s still creepy though.”

“Well don’t think about it then… just let it be.”

“Uh huh…” I said and giggled. 

“I should probably let you go, some of the pottery guild girls are on their way over to do some painting and I’m not set up at all.”

“Okay.  Make sure to rub Vinnie’s belly for me today. And tell him how much I miss him and love him.”

“No problem.”

We said our goodbyes and I continued to lay there just listening to the world around me.  I’d just about dozed off when my phone vibrated with a text message and scared the crap out of me.  It was from Kevin and he was asking where I was.

I laughed and sent him a reply telling him I was on the roof.  Within a few minutes he arrived and crawled onto the bed with me.  I couldn’t help but giggle, his freshly cut hair made even better bed head than the longer hair had, “Oh, honey… did you see your hair?”

He laughed and shook his head, “No but I remember how it was when I had it short before.”

“It’s kind of sexy… like I’ve had my fingers all up in there tugging it every which way.”

He laid down on his back with his head on my stomach, “You’re welcome to do that any time.”  I didn’t pull his hair but I did play with it, running my fingers through it lazily.  His eyes drifted closed and I was content just laying there watching him rest.  Eventually he opened his eyes and looked at me, “Nightmare?”

“Nope.”

“Good…” he said and smiled.

“I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I hung out in the kitchen for a while then came up here.  My mom called and we talked a bit… Oh and I totally scored an iPhone in my swag bag.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep…”

“Wow… I guess I’ll have to check my bag out later. How’s Vinnie and your mom?”

I smiled, “Good.  I can’t wait to be back home though.”

“Yeah, I love the city but I’m missing the beach and your bed.”

“You gunna move in with me officially now that someone wants to buy your house?  If Kristen wasn’t lying, that is.”

“Are you asking me to move in?” he asked with his eyes on mine.

I paused and then nodded, “Yeah.”

“Well then yes, I’m moving in.”

I couldn’t help but grin, “Really?”

“Yes, really.” He turned his head and looked at me giving me the cutest damn smile, “We might as well, right?  We practically live together anyway and I’m not planning on going anywhere else anytime soon unless you kick me out.”

“Which isn’t going to happen…”

“Thankfully…” he said with a chuckle.  “So let’s do it.”

“Get up here and seal the deal with a kiss, Heartthrob.”

He laughed but pushed himself up and then hovered over me on hands and knees.  I flashed back to our rooftop sex and blushed which made him smile, “Remembering what we did the last time we were up here?”

I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him down toward me, “Yes, and thinking of all of the things we can do when we live together.  All those sex toys you’ve yet to be introduced to…”

He laughed again, “Do they have names?”

“Most of them are just named B.O.B.  You know, Battery Operated Boyfriend?” I giggled and tugged on his shirt a little more so I could reach his lips with my own.  I kissed him and then wrapped my legs around his waist forcing him to press his body against mine.  I knew we couldn’t risk rooftop sex with Christian and AJ in the house but we could definitely make out and let our nether regions mambo a little bit.

We were both out of breath by the time we pulled apart and I know that at least I was considering taking the risk of getting it on up on the roof.  Everywhere that he touched me felt like it was on fire, in the good way, and I didn’t want it to stop.

“Kev…” I finally managed to pant as he moved his mouth down to my stomach where he’d pushed my nightshirt up.

“Hmm…” he responded and kept kissing across my belly.

My eyes rolled back into my head at the vibration of his voice against my skin, “Jesus…”

He laughed and although that vibration felt amazing too I couldn’t help but giggle at the sound of his laughter.  He perked his head up and looked at me, “I need to stop, huh?”

He was laying there on his stomach in between my thighs, dangerously close to going down on me and I wanted more than anything to tell him to keep going, but I knew I couldn’t.  I cupped his cheek with my hand and smiled, “Yeah… As much as I love the boys, I don’t need them to walk in on us like this.  Christian has seen me mostly naked but I’d rather leave AJ off that list of people.”

“Me too…” He said and pushed himself up with a smile.  “Come on… back to the bedroom.  We can be quiet.”

“Just as long as you don’t pull that shit you did on me at my Mom’s house…” I chuckled as I scooted my way to the edge of the bed.  I put my ankle brace back on and Kevin held his hand out to help me up. 

“I thought you liked that?”

“I loved it, but it’s not a move you can use on me when we’re supposed to be quiet.”