- Text Size +

Part 48 – Maxwell

I paced back and forth in the living room trying not to totally destroy my manicure by chewing nervously on my nails.  Vinnie was sitting on his doggie bed watching me go back and forth.  I smiled and stopped pacing long enough to squat and rub his head, “It’s okay.  Mama’s just nervous.  We’re going to meet a baby today…”  He started wagging his tail and I nodded with a smile, “Yeah, I’m excited too.”

Just then Kevin came into the house through the garage, “I’m so sorry I’m late…  Traffic was nuts.  There must be something going on at the Speedway, there’s a ton of tourists in town.  More than usual, that is.”  He walked up to me and pulled me into a hug and kissed my head.  “Sorry, sorry, sorry…”

“It’s okay… I was pacing, Vinnie was watching.”

“Well stop pacing and just sit with me…” he said and pulled me to the couch.  “It’s going to be fine…”

I nodded, “Yeah. I really need to stop thinking about it.  Thinking is making it much worse.”

He laughed, “I might be able to help with that.”  He smiled a smile that was part adorable and part sexy as hell then leaned in to kiss me.  His kiss was one that definitely cleared my mind of everything but him.  In fact, if we hadn’t been expecting company the kiss totally would have led to some mid-morning nookie.

The doorbell interrupted our kiss and I was suddenly really glad that my living room wasn’t visible through the windows along the door.  We broke apart giggling like crazy kids who had been caught making out.  I grinned at him as I straightened my clothes, “Nice job, Heartthrob.”

“Anytime…”

I rushed to the door with Vinnie on my heels.  He had a toy in his mouth because in his mind anyone who comes to the door is of course coming to play with him.  I chuckled and rubbed his head as I opened the door.  Gena stood there waiting with a foster care parent I’d learned was named Tami and Tami was holding a car seat with a light blanket covering it.  “Come on in!” I said and welcomed them into the home. 

Gena did her introductions and made sure not to leave out Vinnie.  His tail smacked the wall as he wagged it excitedly.  There weren’t many people that Vinnie didn’t like, but he really enjoyed Gena for some reason.  Probably because she always brought him Milkbones when she came to visit.

Tami put the car seat on the coffee table and when she removed the blanket I think my heart stopped.  Sitting inside the seat was one of the sweetest most gorgeous little people I’d ever seen.

“Oh wow…” I said as I watched Tami unhook the baby so she could pick it up.

“Here he is…” she said as she turned to me and Kevin holding the baby.  “His name is Maxwell.”

She handed him over to me and I immediately sat down with him because I wasn’t sure my legs were going to hold me up for much longer.  “Hi there, Maxwell…” I said to him quietly.  He looked up at me with beautiful brown eyes.  “I heard you’re looking for a Mama and Daddy...” He smiled and made a little gurgled coo sound which pretty much made my heart melt. 

I’ve heard about that love at first sight thing that happens to parents when they see their baby for the first time. I even experienced my own version of it when Miles was born and I was there to meet him when he was just minutes old.  But when I held Max that first day in my house it was like nothing in the world was more important to me than that kid.  I’d known him less than five minutes and yet, I knew right away that he wasn’t going to be without a mom for much longer.

I took a very short moment to look away from Max so I could look at Kevin who was right next to me on the couch.  The look on his face said it all, I could tell he felt the exact same way I did.  He had this big goofy grin on his face and I couldn’t help but get choked up over it all.

“He’s pretty cute, huh?” Tami asked.

I chuckled and my tears fell, “Just a little…” 

“And he’s such a good baby.  He’s almost always happy like that.  Loves to snuggle and he’s just a little love bug.  He’s been a total joy to have around.”

“A snuggler huh?” I asked Maxwell.  “Oh you’ll fit in here just fine… We love to get our snuggle on around here.”  Maxwell cooed a little more and wiggled a bit before looking at Kevin and smiling.  I sighed and shook my head as new tears welled up in my eyes.  I looked at Tami, “How do you do it?  Take in kids and love them but then give them away?”

“It’s hard,” she said and nodded.  “But I give these kids the best home I can while I have them and fill them up with tons of love.  Then when they go to a new home I just hope and pray that they get the best life they can.”

“You’re amazing… I can’t imagine how hard it must be.  One look at this little monster and I’m ready to keep him for life.”

Tami chuckled, “That’s usually a good sign that he’s going to be just fine.”

Gena nodded, “I’ve been doing this for a long time and I can usually tell if a baby isn’t going to be a fit with a family.  There’s just something about that first meeting that feels off when it’s not a good fit.”  Before I could even open my mouth to ask, she smiled at me and said, “No, I’m not getting that feeling today.  Not at all.”

I laughed, “You definitely know me too well, Gena.”  I looked at Kevin who had laughed as well, “You want to hold him?”

“Heck yeah…” I handed the baby over to him and he held him like a pro. 

I took the moment to get up and grab tissues since I was still weeping like a moron every time I looked at Maxwell.  Once I sat back down, tried to focus on Tami and Gena instead of gushing over the baby even more.  “So you’re for sure there’s no family that’s going to pop up?”

Gena nodded, “Of course we can’t be 100% sure, but we did a lot of digging and couldn’t find anything.  The birth parents were both originally from overseas.  They’d only been here for about two years and according to neighbors, they kept to themselves a lot.  We located some coworkers of the father who said that he’d mentioned that he and his wife had come to America because they didn’t have any family left back home and wanted to start over here.  We contacted their hometown back in Europe and couldn’t find anything.  Even on the hospital intake paperwork they hadn’t listed anyone under emergency contacts except each other.  There are simply no other leads to follow.”

“That’s gotta be one of my biggest fears… taking in a baby and just getting used to being a mom and then someone showing up and saying they want him back.”

“I understand…” Gena said and nodded again.  “Which is generally why we work with private adoption in our agency...  But this little guy is a special case and he’s honestly the closest thing you can get to a private adoption without it actually being private.”

We spent a few hours talking with Tami and Gena about Maxwell and the adoption process before it was time for them to leave.  The plan was that I would think about it a little longer and then I would meet with Gena again to give her my decision.  Kevin would, of course, be part of the decision as well, but because technically I’d be adopting Maxwell alone and Kevin would just be along for the ride, so the decision mainly rested on my shoulders.

My heart hurt so much when I watched Tami and Gena leave carrying Maxwell that I was pretty sure right then and there that there was no way I was letting him go.  But, I wanted to make sure it was really what I wanted before I made my final decision.  I didn’t want to make an impulse decision based on the fact that I was holding an insanely adorable baby in my arms.

That’s of course what the logical adult in me thought.  The part of me who’d fallen instantly in love with Maxwell cried every time I thought about him.  By the time Kevin and I were in bed that night I was a total mess.

“He’s just so sweet and he needs a family so bad… how could it not be the right decision?” I sobbed while Kevin handed me more Kleenex.  “It has to be the right thing.  We were both so comfortable with him.  And he really seemed to like us…”

“True…”

I sighed, “Am I absolutely crazy?”

He laughed, “Yeah but that’s not the point.  The point is that this beautiful little kid needs a family.  We have the chance to give him that if that’s what you want.”

“But what do you want?”

He grabbed my hand and raised it up so he could kiss it, “I want what makes you happy, baby.  If you think this is the right move, then we do it and make the absolute best of it.  If you aren’t sure and want to wait for a different baby, we can do that too.”

I looked down at our hands laced together, “What if I can’t do it?”

“Can’t do what?”

“Be a good mom…” I said quietly and dissolved into tears again.  “What if I bring this baby into my life and I’m not what he needs because I’m just not good enough?”

Kevin sighed and let go of my hand so that he could pull me into a hug, “So that’s what all of this is really about, right?  You’re not worried about really wanting him, you’re worried that you’ll be a bad mom.”

I nodded against his chest, “Yeah.”

“Honey, I bet that if you ask anyone who is a parent they’d tell you they felt the same way about becoming a parent.  I’ve wondered the same thing about myself.  But we’ll figure it out.  We might not be perfect, but no one is.  All you can do is love him and hope that we give him the best life we can.”

“I do love him…” I said quietly.  “I loved him as soon as I saw him.  I don’t know how that’s possible but I swear I did.  It was like I looked into those brown eyes and I just knew I needed to be his Mama.  But then I immediately thought, ‘What if there’s a better person out there for him?’”

“What about when you got Vinnie?” he asked.  “Did you wonder if you were the right mom for him too?”

I thought about it for a minute and then nodded, “Yeah…”

“But he’s the most loved dog I’ve ever known.  You give him a great life and you’ll do the same for a baby.  You’ll learn as you go.  Weren’t you just telling me that your writing improves with each book you write?  Your parenting will improve too.”

I nodded and just hung on to Kevin listening to him breathe.  It always shocked me at how just being wrapped in his arms seemed to center me so well.  I didn’t know what I’d do without him,  Actually I did know, I’d be crying to Christian or my mom… but I really loved having Kevin there to help me work through things.  After a while I sat back up and looked at him giving him a smile, “You’re amazing, you know?  Thank you for sitting through my breakdown with me…”  We both chuckled and I wiped my cheeks with the heels of my hands.  “I love you more than I can say.”

“I love you back…”

I bit my lip and took a deep breath, “So you wanna be a parent with me?”

He smiled from ear to ear and leaned in to kiss me, “More than anything.”