I awoke on November 16th to the squeaking sound of our tour bus pumping its brakes and coming to a halt. I took a look out the window of my bunk and saw the Appalachian Mountains. Then, I burst into tears. Danny had died exactly one year ago, and we were playing Charleston, West Virginia, which was only three hours from home. Couldn’t it have been somewhere that didn’t feel so much like home? Los Angeles or New York City, maybe? Anywhere with flat land would do, actually. But no, I was ambushed with memories of hiking in the woods and skinny-dipping in a watering hole in the river that cut through the mountains. He was everywhere. Chrissy poked her head through the curtain. “Em, we’re here. We have a couple hours to get settled in before soundcheck. They have a brunch set up for us in the green room, and the guys are a little ways behind us if you wanted to grab something before Joey gets here.” I sighed and nodded as I crawled out of my bunk and into the aisle. For the past couple weeks, I’d been avoiding Joey like the plague. He had attempted to pull me aside and talk a couple of times, but I always shrugged him off. Today was not a good day to have to deal with him. After all we’d shared with each other, I hadn’t really talked to him about Danny at all. I’d had the “If you don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen” attitude, but today it all came crashing back on to me.

I ducked into the bathroom to wash my face and attempt to tame my hair, then followed the rest of the girls into the venue. I gasped when we entered the green room and Howie was lounging on the couch eating a cheese danish. “Howie? What are you doing here?”

He smiled and licked his fingers. “We had a few days off from recording, so I thought I’d pay you a little visit. Danish?” He held the half-eaten pastry out to me and a few sugary crumbs fell on to the carpet in front of my feet.

“Actually, I’m thinking eclairs today.” I turned to the table of food and grabbed a couple of the small, chocolate-covered, custard-filled confections and placed them on my plate. I added a slice of spinach quiche and some strawberries in attempt to balance out my plate. In reality, I was probably going to eat the eclairs and a couple strawberries, then go back for more fat and sugar. Howie jumped up and poured a cup of coffee, then stirred in some hazelnut creamer and one packet of artificial sweetener before handing it to me with a smile. I had no idea that he knew how I liked my coffee. “You’re going to have to stop showing up at N’Sync concerts, you know. It’s bad for your rep.”

He laughed and placed a hand on my back. “I just wanted to see you.” Howie and I hadn’t spoken since the morning he’d dropped me off at the hotel in Orlando. Actually, I was still reeling from all the events that had happened the night before that, including his confession that he’d never hurt me the way Joey had.

“Howie, I know you mean well, but it’s really not a good day.”

He nodded knowingly. “It’s November 16th. I’ve been dreading September 12th, 1999 since, well...September 13th.” That was the day Caroline died just two short months ago. “That’s why I’m here, Emily. It’s not the other thing.” He led me over to a table and watched me eat my breakfast. He remembered that it was the day I lost Danny. How in the world did he remember that? I’m not even sure that any of the other girls knew what day it was. Sure, they knew it was this time of year, and they’d been treading lightly around me for the past few days, but I’m pretty sure none of them really realized it was today. They’d lost an old friend in Danny, but I felt like I had lost a soul mate.

I stared across the table at Howie and nibbled on a strawberry thoughtfully. “Nothing tastes good,” I finally said.

He shoved an eclair in my mouth. “You need more chocolate.” I laughed and took a big bite. He was right. After I finished a brunch that left me wondering whether Stuart was going to need to get out that trusty needle and thread for me (he’d been using it about once a week for Amelia), Howie followed me outside towards the bus. It was unseasonably warm for mid-November in West Virginia, so we ended up sitting at a picnic table and basking in the sun instead of getting on the bus. That turned out to be a mistake. After a few minutes of silence, he reached his hand across the table and squeezed mine. “Seems too beautiful outside for a day like today, huh?”

“Yeah. That’s exactly what I was thinking, actually.” I’ll blame what happened next on the fact that I was a grieving crazy person. The N’Sync bus rolled up behind Howie, and Joey was the first one off. He gave me a nervous smile and stepped onto the pavement with Kelly trailing closely behind him. In a split-second decision, I reached across the table and grabbed Howie’s face with my hands, them pulled him into a fierce lip-lock. His hands went flailing in surprise for a moment before settling on my upper arms while he kissed me back. I opened one eye to peek at Joey as he passed by. He stopped at the picnic table, put his hands on his hips, and grunted before walking on towards the venue. I smiled a little against Howie’s mouth. That was pretty much the response I was looking for.

Howie pulled away with a gasp. “What was that all about?” Before I could answer, he looked past me at the group of people entering the back door of the exposition center. “Aha! Would this happen to have something to do with Joey walking by?” I bit my lip nervously. “Or is it more about the fact that Kelly’s attached to his hip?”

“I’m sorry Howie.” I looked down at the picnic table and traced the various initials that had been into the wood over the years with my fingers. “He keeps trying to talk to me and wanting to know if I’m doing okay. I know he feels guilty for what happened, and I guess I just don’t want him to think I’m all alone after he moved on so quickly. Of course, if he was a little jealous, that would be good, too.” It was easy to tell Howie exactly what I’d been thinking, because, well...he was Howie.

He sighed and moved over to my side of the table, then placed his hand on my knee and moved his face in close to mine. “Listen, I know I said that this isn’t why I showed up here today, but no matter what your motive was, you know I liked it. I’m not going to bother you about it any more today because it’s just not the right time, but I have to ask you a question. I’m not expecting an answer right now, but I do need you to be honest with me. Did you like it, too?”